#I WANTED TO LEAVE THE CLASSROOM
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Moving to college tmr guys …………
(Special shout out to tumblr user lotus pear who dropped by at my place to wish me off and then nearly killed off my entire team in persona 4)
#is it normal to have all this stuff 😭😭😭#bro my roommate was so nice she gave me a whole dorm tour and ever#ything#sorry it cut off#this WILL NOT be like highschool#I WILL socialize this time and make friends (trust)#I’ll never forget the girl who sat next to me in ap lit#and told me she was scared to talk to me for the first few weeks#cause she thought I was mad 😭😭😭😭😭#I WANTED TO LEAVE THE CLASSROOM#praying for good social interactions 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼#haliai rambles
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i won’t hold people to the same standards i have on myself in terms of friendship bc everyone shows they care in different ways
#this is a part affirmation and part intro to a rant i need to unleash#but i’ll leave it in the tags here bc it feels safer lol#it’s abt my housemate the other day when we had our last class which is online but our previous classes were in person so as a class we#usually just pull it up on the main computer and broadcast the zoom in the classroom#but on this day the class before this zoom class got out early so lots of people went home early to just watch it on their own zoom or wtvr#so the row i sit in was pretty empty except for me my housemate and our two friends#and usually my housemate sits on my right but she got up and moved to sit on the other side next to our other friend and said nothing#and i didn’t want to say anything bc i was kinda sad/offended even though#her moving seats probably has nothing to do with me and much rather her personal preference i can’t help but think negatively abt myself#also one morning we were both off she went to the smoothie shop and coffee shop and just went to pick up her orders and i felt the same#reaction of like sad/offended bc she didn’t consider me at al like what if i wanted a smoothie too! TF#or coffee even though i don’t drink coffee anymore wtvr#my thoughts on her and my friendship are kinda rocky bc we feel so out of sync#i feel like she’s always in her own world and it’s hard to get through to her and become real friends#it’s whatever not all friendships can be deep and meaningful
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the imposter syndrome i feel every time i even slightly think i might be autistic is insane, specially for a person who highly relates to the lived experiences of people who are professionally diagnosed.
Like I was just watching this one youtuber, and she was talking about very specific examples in her life and childhood where she saw autistic traits that made her realize she was autistic and then seek a diagnosis and then get one, and everything she was saying was like she was describing my life! But yeah no, I can't be autistic tho
#and one thing that has been filling me with dread (as if it was relevant lol) is the idea of seeking a diagnosis and#either not geting it because it's already so hard to find a diagnosis for '''''''women''''''' (afabs)#and that will make me doubt myself even more! but most importantly those around me who already don't believe me#but also i'm very scared about this one thing in particular which is the talking to your parents portion of the diagnosis#where the therapist will want to talk to people who knew me as a child... and that person will have to be my mom#and i'm pretty sure she will dismiss most signs. like she would either not bring them up because ''they're normal''#or play them as less important than they were#or maybe she didn't even notice them! because most of my struggles are internal!#things like being bullied or having no friends or liking a routine#idk if she'll be able to talk about all those#because my bullying wasn't violent it was mostly dismissive#my ''friends'' weren't really friends like i didn't CARE for them as maybe someone would have#and also they would leave me for no reason at all out of the blue... so i don't think even THEY considered ME a friend#and liking routine i guess she could say i prefered it but she doesn't know to the extent i hated going off it#i'm sure she forgot about the time i cried (as a 10 year old so not THAT young) because they made us change classroom#and i didn't know that was gonna happen... it was added to the anxiety that i thought my mother wouldn't be able to find me#but like the unknown classroom traumatized me (to this day i get anxious just thinking about that)#like... all those things i don't think she would bring up (if she could even) and i fear that will make me not get a diagnosis#not that this is a thing that's gonna happen cause as i established i cannot afford a therapist nor i'll ever get a diagnosis i don't think#so like it's not relevant#but i am anxious about it nonetheless#angel talks#personal#idk what's my point with this post btw i'm just venting and creaming to the void#dkfjhgdfg
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there is a teacher I have i hate her so much ugh (vent in tags includes mild homophobia so uh. ig don’t read it if you don’t wanna see that)
#We were having a class discussion and we ended up on the topic of lgbtq rights.#afaik I was the only queer person in that room. I’m not out to them. But still.#I disagreed with her on an issue and she proceeded to cut me off and ignore me for the rest of the class#Later I brought up how a political party in our province mentioned how they want to keep “political biases” out of classrooms#And I said that’s literally a front for them to say they want to keep queer stuff out#And she proceeded to “correct” me with something else and not let me talk??#And the issue from before was like if queer people should be allowed in the bathrooms they identify as.#My stupid teacher said no because it’s her “motherly instinct” cause she has three cis sons and is straight and cis herself#And i said literally most of the time queer people are not gonna be doing anything in those bathrooms and just want to use the bathroom-#They identify as?#Then proceeded to ignore me almost every other time I tried to make a point for the rest of the class.#Like I’m cis too but I have a lot of queer friends.#Lissis vents#My favourite part of her class is leaving 🫶
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I just wanted to say your art is extremely inspirational to me. Your fluidity is something I'd kill to achieve and whenever I feel unmotivated I look up your art. Art school's rough but you make me feel like it can be enjoyed
I'm touched to hear that. Proud and honored to be a source of motivation / inspiration to you.
It is tiring. I won't deny that . . . but don't lose sight of the fact that you're in this track because you love art ! I know sometimes that can get lost beneath the ceaseless workload but hold on to that love and don't let it go.
You've got this !
#trashtalk#anonymous#I know how important it is to stay inspired in the doldrums of school. . . and I was lucky enough to have some teachers who knew this too !#One term I had a teacher who would bring in art books and leave them at the front of the classroom for us to peruse during our break#it was very motivating and definitely what I needed in the midst of an eleven hour school day#another teacher had a huge file of character designs he thought were cool and he'd share the zip file with anyone who wanted it#actually I had two teachers who did this#they both ruled
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there's no one i relate less to than people my age who have/want kids
#literally everyone i went to high school with has kids (in my classroom) and everyone i went to uni as well (in my all women group)#all this talk about people not having kids anymore is so ??? because there's like very few people ik other than my friends who are childfre#and there's always people that aren't even close to me who ask me: “when are you going to have kids huuuh??? tik tok biological clock”#and whatever bullshit. like please have kids in peace i wish you well but leave ppl who don't want kids alone? i don't understand#also i've noticed it's so easy for men to have kids they literally do nothing. they don't change diapers they don't put them to sleep#they don't care for them when they're sick. literally nothing? so ofc they want kids they act like they have a pet they don t take care of#anyway what i wanted to say is why are people who have kids so obsessed with people who do not? it's so weird and deranged#my cousins always ask me: WHEN ARE YOU HAVING KIDS you will never know love if you don't. pls your husband is cheating on u mind your own b#txt
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being moved to a different classroom for my last week while the head of the program pretends she's doing me a favor but she's really doing my supervisor a favor 🙃
#she said she wanted me not to feel bad and be in a bad situation#but im p sure she did it bc my supervisor was up in the office talking shit ant me again this morning#she was acting all nice but 🤨#she's not nice soooo#also she didn't even follow up when i mentioned safety concerns for the kids when she asked why i was leaving#and she didn't ask me to stay#she did seem sympathetic but idk my co teacher thinks it was a favor to our supervisor to keep her happy#bc thry still think she walks on water#im so worried for the kids but it should be less stressful in t2#also the teacher i swapped with today saw me two hours later and she was like: girl i get it 💀💀💀#lmao#so sad for the kids tho#but excited abt new opportunities#but i did want to have the time to say goodbye to the kids#its probably better to transition them this way bc they'll still see me a little bit the last week but not all day#and get used to me not always being there#so they won't care as much when i'm completely gone the week after 😭#but they were crying at thebgate between the playgrounds today and it was really hard#i was holding finn's hand over the gate 🥺#then we combined classes for the end of the day on the playground and that was like 10 minutes before i went home#so they got happy for a bit then broke down again when i said goodbye 😭#teddy was screaming at the door the whole time after i left 😭#i watched thru the classroom window while the other teachers were consoling them and it was so sad 💔#i've only had one cry when i went home before but this time it was half of them#bc they barely saw me all day then i left as soon as they thought i was going to stay#anyway#i have a job interview tomorrow and surgery#and maybe a second job interview#trying to focus on that rn#still glad i'm quitting but 💔
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hey does anyone know how we’re supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang we’re really in it now#i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i can’t even pretend at work anymore#i’m so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and it’s not their fault they’re just kids and they’re tired and it’s almost summer#but god i can’t fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class i’m taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didn’t buy the textbook bc it’s 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i can’t keep up with friendships and feel like i’m constantly letting them down#and there’s nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i haven’t been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner who’s also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i don’t know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc i’m so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i don’t have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad it’s gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i can’t make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that they’ve stopped working#and yet i still worry that i’m making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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Nope, I'm still crying
#i wish literally anybody from school remembered me#literally only 2 people i was friends with hace talked to me in the past four years#i had the realization tonight that i was never given the choice to nurture most of my friendships#everytime i tried outside of school hours including trying to join clubs my mom would make me leave halfway through then lecture me#that she didn't have time to drive to town and get me#but as soon as my brother wanted to join junior air force she suddenly had all the time and energy in the world to devote to that#so what I'm getting here is that my friendships and interests weren't important enough or worth her time#i wasn't interested in Junior air force 1 cause it wasn't offered to me and 2 I'm not a boit licker#no#i was interested in the video game and board game clubs cause my friends were in them and they WANTED me to join#but after not getting to stay for more than one full session after a month i left the board game club cause it wasn't fair to the others#and i only went to the video game clu once and i don't remember much of it cause i was too anxious that she was gonna flip on me#i kept waiting for her text but instead she showed up at the classroom and made me leave#so when the same teacher that ran the board game club asked if i wanted to join the chess club cause he knew i liked chess#i told him i couldn't cause i was too busy because i didn't want to deal with begging my mom to let me join#she would have said yes but would have continued not letting me stay and being super passive aggressive#I'm not even in the year book for the year my friends graduated#the one thing she did let me do was drama and i hated every second of it. it was genuinely a bad experience for me#yeah i had friends in drama but it's not the same as hanging with my nerdy guy friends playing a star wars ttrpg#the worst part is she gets so defensive when i bring it up and won't give me a reason outside of 'I guess I'm just the worst parent'#it's in those moments i really remember she's the youngest in her family#OH!! it gets worse! she told me when i was younger that she had to be an honorary cheer leader cause HER MOM absolutely refused to#let her join cheer and she's alsways been bitter about it but then she turns around and did basically the same thing to me ffs#at least she was allowed to hang out with people after-school i wasn't allowed to do that either#no. instead i spent the hours after shcool alone most days and my weekends home alone in my room. and she wonders why my social skills are#maybe if I'd been allowed to work on my relationships outside of a classroom i wouldn't have felt so abandoned when everyone i knew#graduated without me. maybe if i didn't have to start back at square one socially again and had people to text and hang with after class#i wouldn't have dropped out. and i think only atlas knows i dropped out. idk how to text these people without spunding like I'm looking for#sympathy when they ask what I'm up to. like yeah I'm stuck at home with an anxiety disorder and unemployed trying to get on disability#prisma vents
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“are you okay?” “You alright?” “Do you need a break?”
Tf you think?
#Ahh I hate the end of school.#All I wanted from my ELA teacher today was a fucking hug but I missed my shot and now I’ll never see him again.#i fucking hate this. Just let me stay here. Let me sit here and rot away in the classroom until the end of time.#I don’t want to leave what i know and have grown to be so familiar with.#the people I’ve grown to know. The places I’ve grown to love.#it seems horrible until you have to leave it.#I’m leaving my art teacher now. I fucking love that woman. She’s the nicest person on planet earth.#now they’re making me leave her for fucking high school. I don’t have any art classes next year.#i know nothing about this new school. Its too much for me.#I hate leaving school so fucking much.#Uhhh#vent
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🕯I'm going to have a 10/10 in my Job Orientation exam 🕯
#just girly things#my life#school#job Orientation student#Last exam of the term 🥳🥳#I'm afraid that I'll have to leave the classroom crying just like last year#Like I get that is a very usefull subject because we'are about to become adults but why is the need of being so hard?#I don't want to do a exam on june to no fail#manifesting 🕯️🕯️🕯️#manifesting
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anyway there is a girl in my section that i realized is legit exactly my type & she’s so pretty & ive decided i’m in love w her……yes she is blonde
#michelle speaks#we have the same friends but i didn’t talk to her until thursday when i stayed late for the review#bc she sits in a different part of the classroom & she usually spends time w them after classes but i leave after classes#bc i hate studying in the library lmao i just want to LEAVE#anyway……i would wife her if i could but she’s prob straight 😔 she is my type exactly tho it’s so…….#i’m sure there’s a bible quote abt temptation i could put here but my 14 yrs of catholic school fail me once again smh#her voice is a bit deep it’s so s*xy…….i want to take care of her so bad i’m abnormal 😔😔😔
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my history teacher, my english teacher, and the history teacher i will have next year all watched me sob in the hallway today. they made fun of me 👍
#it was so pathetic I was just like watching them go and crying#and they were like god it’s just the summer what’re you gonna be like at graduation#sometimes opal says stuff#my history teacher literally had to make me leave her classroom she was like it’s literally summer why do you want to stay here go have fun
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this is just a rant for myself but i’m really tired of running into people at every turn of the grad school application process going “but… why??” or telling me about how much they hated their grad programs and being in grad school or that i need to “delay” going to grad school. not only do i genuinely need at least a masters to do any kind of public history work, but like… why the fuck is it a crime to be excited to be going to grad school? eat rocks.
#kylie rambles#i get wanting students to be prepared for the reality of grad school#but why shit on me#i’m an excellent candidate for grad school#and i’m genuinely excited to be in a classroom and learning again#leave me alone
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i gotta say, a cool $5k in my bank account would be really cool right about now
#combo of my good gas mileage car getting held ransom and my brother suddenly moving out and raising my rent 50% has me. augh#mostly making the post bc the barely-more-than-interest payments on my credit card feel Fucking Bad and if i could just. not have that. wow#like i can still get takeout on occasion and eat gluten free bagels and chicken breasts. i will be fine. but also. augh.#also though dont even get me started on the gluten removal tax. it triggers my fibro shit really badly so if i want to work..#i will pay $6 for a box of crackers and $9 for a loaf of bread. and thats most of the easy lunches to take to work right there.#and the adhd makes it hard to plan other lunches in advance... you can see the issues#i cant even have. like. backup lunches or anything. no cup noodle in my classroom or anything like that. cos they have BREAD#and FLOUR.#actually though now that i think about it i could leave some cans of soup in my classroom. thatd be a good idea. anyway.#contribute to the random-tumblr-asshole's curry takeout and can of soup fund today#squawk
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Health and social care students don’t make fun of disabled people challenge !!!!
#I’m sick of being insulted and degraded for being autistic actually it’s not very nice#Especially when you know these people are going to be going into professionals where they will be responsible for keeping disabled people#Safe and empowering them it just feels so disgusting.#Cause I’m scared to speak up! And nobody else will. So I’m just sat here hoping that they’re not gonna bring this sort of attitude into#Their workplace in the future.#Man fuck this so much I had verbal shutdown today and I didn’t listen to my boundaries and leave the classroom as much as I know I should#have and I was lucky enough to get permission to leave early and get the quieter bus#Only for these people to make fun of the way I walk and act on the way out. Yeah thanks exactly what I needed#Same ppl who were really not it in the caring for ppl with autism and Down’s syndrome lesson ofc! Fml#The fact that these people want to be mental health/psychiatric nurses actually horrifies me tbh. I really should say something
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