#I WANT TO KILL MYSELF I CANT DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE I CANT I JUST CANT
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#i cant fucking wait to get this over with for good#it kills me to have to look in the mirror and see someone else and know ill never see myself because i cant be myself alone.#i hate that i have to scream and write stupid silly shit to get even a modicum of attention and have even that just be a like on a screen.#im not me anymore ive devolved into nothing and i have no one to help me become real again. sorry i csnt do it alone bc isolation isnt-#-conducive to healing esp for this long#no one will care but thats fine. ive known this for a while#i just want to get it over with and never feel this bullshit again. at least ill feel like me for a second before i die. its whatever.#i can try to play pretend until it comes but it wont work. bc its all pretend#god i cant fucking take another day of this detached horror of existence#i fucking *despise* having my only reactions in a whilebe some hug emoji by a stranger on a serious post. im fucking pathetic. that's why i#gone#gone gone gone. gone.#and i still have to wait for release to be mine. idk how long i can.
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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God I'm so fucking annoyed how come she gets to treat me however she likes and then gets to say she didn't mean it?????
#have u considered not constantly comparing me to ur abusive husband who hit u??????#since i was like 8 its really fucking weird#like who in their right mind tells their child theyre naturally destructive just like their father and then says ohhhhh but i didnt mean it#are u fucking insane#doesnt help that i look like him too everyone tells me that#and now she acts like me raising my voice once means she needs to walk on eggshells around me wtf#what about how u treated me from ages 13-16#freak#i cant believe this shes treating me like im some scary stranger as if shes not the one with full financial control and that im this horribl#person go kill yourself omgjdjsjsjwjwwhwhhw#fuck u#last year was the worst year of my life and that was wholy bc of u you showed me what place i really have in this family and that it was not#hing. how is sveryrone so ready to throw me away??#yet everyone else gets to say shes sooo proetctive and loving fuck off you wouldnt even tell them youre treating me badly diedie diediediedi#i want to cut so bad bro#but i promised myself i wont so#i mean i dont even have any way of gettibg blades so whatver#just remembered her reaction to me cutting#nothing. yeah absolutely no reaction. i thought the worat thing that could happen was her gettjbg mad at me again but no#i realised there was somwthing worse. she just straight up doesnt care#useless mother#im fine w u treating me like shit ive accepeted it that i have no place in anyone's life unlesss i hive into this but at least#at least stop trying to confront me like this#just let me rot in peace#i really dont want to do this anymore#any time now she'll ask me if i was pretending to cry so i wpuldnt have to go out w her now#as if that isnt insulting#and then she'll say i wasnt trying to be rude!!! as if she hasnt always treated me like none of my feelings r real. i only ever overeact. ok
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I'm so fucking sick of people I'm around having everything I ever could've wanted and then having the nerve to cry about how they have nothing. Your parents love you. You have enough money to spend on toys and games and food. You have tons of friends who care about you and hang out with you. You don't spend every waking moment of your life alone. You have everything I've ever wanted and more.
You fucking know I have none of that. Why do you continue to rub it in my face.
#im so sick of this#at this point id rather be at school than home#but then its like#i dont wanna be there either#its like#i dont belong anywhere#wow guys this social anxiety + depression + possible autism combo is getting craaazzyyyyy#I WANT TO KILL MYSELF I CANT DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE I CANT I JUST CANT#WHY CANT I JUST BE HAPPY WHY CANT I BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE#WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL#my fucking head hurts now#i might just#go to sleep. its better than living my miserable life#ill probably delete this later sorry i need to shut the fuck up about my feelings but if i dont say any for long enough ill have a meltdown#vent#shut up hazel
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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i so sad
#thoughts#i think im having like a panic attack or something#like#something attack#i dont want to talk to anyone anymore i keep messing things up#i called a mentally ill person disgusting because i didnt see their other anon confessions in the server about their mental illnesd#they menyioned how they shower once a month#and i saw that i didnt see the other messages#i asked them how they didnt get uncomfortable “being that disgusting”#i meant it like. The feeling of#Not having taken a shower in a month. I didnt want to imply they were inherently disgudsting for their mental illness and everyone was like#wow rayman what the fuck is wrong with you why would you say that about someone. and they vented about me in the vent channel#it was a horrible thing for me to say and like yesterday i also fucked up i said mean shit to someone. I dont know whats wrong with me why i#cant stop doing bad things. i need to kill myself or something i need to lock myself away so other people dont get hurt by me#i was clawing at my head crying hitting myself with my knuckles because i just fucking loathed myself i pretend im so happy and like yeah im#happy but like really i fucking hate myself so so much more than anything in the world the only reason im not dead is because i love this#world enough to stay on it. i hate myself so much. i get so so sad when i look in the mirror because im not who i am im no one im always#trying to be a person or something when im nothing im so worthless coping off the “smart” compliments i got in 2nd grade when in reality im#just some stupid fucking rancid asshole with rage anxiety lonlieness stewing in my soul for 5 years i cant be normal around anyone im not#supposed to be friends with anyone i shouldnt have a partner he needs to kill me i need him to beat me over the head with a shovel and keep#beating me and stabbbing me with it until im alll brutally mauled unrecognizable and he should call me worthless the whole time and i#deserve it
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when people argue against AI art they should stop pushing the narrative that the Labour of the process and the Practice is what makes art Art. like, AI is bad just as Many Technologies are bad because it was built on exploitation and its use on a corporate scale would be Detrimental to everyone, not just artists. it's not bad because it's easy.
If i could make art super easily through a press of a button i would 100% lmao, but like with most things under capitalism. making things isn't just about Making Things, it's about making money. its about a corporation ripping more people off with their shit content or an artist struggling to make ends meet because their days-long processes can't compete with a few button clicks
#hell. commission work do not pay shit.#and original work pays Negative shit. but its passion so i want to do it still but its just like. My Goddamn Energy.#is so limited.#world hard. we can only focus on what we can do#and when you only have so few functional hours in a day. well. sorry but i cant work a day job or do studies and then draw comms after#i know many people can. i cannot.#and ive stopped trying to think that i can brute force my way through it. i used to value myself greatly for my output but#we aint doing that anymore.#we make just enough money to live. if thats even possible. then we have fun. so we dont kill ourselves.#krill livestream#if commission pays me enough to move out and go to my therapist regularly then ill do it lmao.
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I HATE MY FUCKING JOB
#barks#i literally FUCKING hate it#i worked 40 hours this week AT MY PART TIME JOB WHILE ALSO WORKING 35 HOURS AT SCHOOL#I'm so fucking tired#i cant do this anymore#if they make me work this much again I'm literally killing myself instead#I'm so fucking stressed out and the best part is we're closed next week due to being understaffed so working this much isnt even#going to make my pay check bigger!!!!#i only even took the extra shifts bc they were gunna make my coworker open EVERY SINGLE DAY this week on top of her 9-5#so we alternated opening at 4 am - 8 am respectively before goinf to our other jobs at 9#and im STILL FUCKING BROKE#i didnt save nearly as muvh as i wanted to in june bc shit kept coming up#and now i have fucking debt collectors calling me every day for idk why#I'm just gunns kill myself literally i hate my life i cant do this anymore
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anyone else learn about the nuclear arms race and mutually assured destruction at an impressionable young age, had an existential crisis about how we almost ended all life on the planet in thermonuclear hellfire and made it uninhabitable for thousands of years multiple times because of political differences, and we still have enough warheads on earth to destroy it a hundred times over sitting in the hands of insane megalomaniac politicians who could just end it all with a press of a button and never fully recovered since?
#hahhahaahhahahaa#im fine :-)#in high school i had a bad case of 'no hope for this world' disease which was real hard to parse out from the major depressive disorder#it got real bleak! not gonna lie!#its hard to care about your math homework when youre convinced the world is going to fucking end bc we live under the rule of insane people#looking back now its easy to think i overreacted a bit. but holy shit being a teenager fucking sucks#you cant do anything about how bad the world sucks. all u can do is sit there and look at the news and get fucking depressed#cant vote. cant protest. cant articulate how i feel bc my brain is still growing and i have a math test tmrw.#its like. i just wanted a fucking break.#i didn't want to kill myself. i didnt necessarily want to die. i just wanted a break. bc everything fucking SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!#god im so glad im not a fucking teenager anymore. wow this derailed a bit. hi. im okay now pls dont worry about me#personal#but yeah i still have nightmares now and then about nuclear war. shits scary as hell#and then u look at all the fucked up shit happening around the world and its hard not to lose hope for humanity :|#i want to like humans but unfortunately a lot of us seem to fucking suck. hopefully its not the majority#im doing waayyyyy better as an adult but damn its hard sometimes :/
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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i tried so hard to be kind and sweet and all of these things that are supposed to be good? and valued? but im alone again and i dont think ill ever not be
#if you recently asked me how i am doing. sorry#i do remember and value that. its just very hard to trust that as something i could ever actually lean on#like even to say that feels like maybe i am overstepping. so. yeah thats where im at haha#ive just gotten burned way way too many times at this point#forged in fire??? burnt to ashes#i used to think phoenixes were relatable but not really anymore#the vibe has changed completely#and really im on my way out. not in like a super depressing way im not about to kill my body but when i say#im transitioning to a p zombie its . not a fucking joke im done here#my support group of all things went to shit yesterday too so i really have nowhere to stand im just breaking breaking. breaking. breaking .#dissolving. dying. and im like kind of hurt that nobody even cares enough to know these things about me#but how can i blame people for not knowing that asking me how im doing is not enough#or like how can i blame people for not caring#ppl got their own lives or whatever idk how this shit works.#man im just so so so done.#my friend told me about some future worries today and i was just sitting there like man. how do you even.#talk like you will have a future#like anything matters like any of this is real#because to me it's pretty clearly not#i didn't say that shit to him obviously#id like to keep a friend or two around just in case idk#someone to go on a walk with#sometimes he asks me what i think about stuff#i like listening to myself talk. so i benefit from that#anyway the point of this post was that while im done being a self im also very fucking done being selfless#acting like i think i can help people or something. i cant. i dont want to. i dont care.#i just dont fucking care anymore.
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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imsoo normal about guys byw
#sprry this is the start of my downfall im actually going to theow up and vomit and die#fronting daily actually sucks!and i have no restraint on my curiiusity and i have to figure shit out and i literally want to die#cause like i found out shit i didnt want to and its entirely my fault too bro i cant even be upset cause i went looking for it ughhh#i should be allowed to die afterschool so i dont have to feel anything else tbh thatd be a pleasure great thing whwatever#this is genuinelky the repeat of my downfall again literally september all over again and its just march jesus fucking fhrist bro need todi#the nervous system is so dumb what is ooottfvgvsh or whagevr i hate that dumbass acronym i hate healrhcare#serenity save me 🙏 save me serenity 🙏 come home#everyone keeps sayng that but qith donald trump#anyway back to me i need to scream and not just to serenity cause i feel bad🤭 no emojis are tood enougu anymore bro im going to kms#killing myself so fucking hard like a vampire driving a stake through his heart sort of shit ykwim like a siren drowning ro sokething poeti#save me sid 🙏 sid save me actually hed laugh at me for hthis lowkey which is soo deserved cause real bro why am i breaking down at midnight#on a dchool day too bro again and again i dont want to go to mf schooll and be obsessed w k. hes fine but i genuinely cant do my work#lowkey would iet be weird to talk to my ex ab my relationship with him cause like yea i miss him ykwim and i need closure but i got a crush#cause like on one hand its like i was the one who brokenup ykwim like even if the circumstances werewei4d whatever its like why would i hav#the right to even bring it up and i alr crushed on a new guy and like ignoring the uguult i do like him ughh broni want to kms#i love love i just dont love lvoe for myself cause ugh bro i hare one guy idc ab his crushes but he made me hear ab them lke idc idek him#sorry u had a bad experience w bi girls like idk what u want me to say ??? surprise me too ??? tff ugh i hate love girls#i need a gf but the thoigjt of liking a girl genuinely deeply scares me to my core cause i like girls but ppl dont like that i do ykwim#all mu friends are fucking gay bro idek why im so worried ab liking girls like who is there to disappoint but myself and my entire family#noo pressure qt all being oldest and queerest like ok yeah its midnight happy new years. i need this blanket tobsuffocste me#sleep wrappedup alr like a borito burito i dek and its not enoughh i need a soul crushing embrafe to sleep#ok im done i got post vent clarity i need to sleep#post#erics tag#delete later#serenity needs this as a ref in the morning#i beed my mom to cry to but j cant tell her any of this id rather be eaten alive by bugsbro and if i just cry to her without a reason#shell fs go througj my phone and fimd out why anyway so wjats the pointtt my god i tqlk too much and vent too much#gota flair forbthe dramatics ivguess mb
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woke up from my sleep angry because I take too long to do anything like I'm so fucking annoyed rn I genuinely cannot comprehend how ppl have full time jobs and go to school and also fully indulge in their hobbies and get them done in timely manners because if I'm doing anything I have to either finish it in a day or it will take a year to complete it
#anyways im not working on that hobie thing anymore its stressing me out that its taking me a month to make a fucking collage 😭😭#u thought i could have real progress yesterday but after 3 hrs of working on it i got tired and wanted to sleep#*i thought#also the reason why i barely ever make videos im either too tired or it will take me 5 months to edit because#i can't focus on more than 1 thing at a time. if im editing something don't fucking ask me to go anywhere i need yo finish this shit#or it will never be done#been trying to edit my Beyonce and spiderverse vlogs and its just taking too long i just abandoned them#and then like. school.#that fucking university has done nothing but waste my time. wasting my time travelling for 6 hrs so by the time i get home#i cant even do anything but eat and fall asleep because if i stay up to work on what i want to do i will basically get no sleep#cant even indulge in my hobbies without wanting to kill myself because even those stress me out OH MY GOD
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my 2 favorite tops dont fit me anymore i think i might cry
#shut up sender#gonna talk about weight and stuff in the tags so this is your warning#ive been gaining weight on T and like body image wise it's been fucking with me but the clothes thing is making me lose it#dude i cant just buy 2 new 60€ button downs whenever i want#i spent such a long time building up my personal wardrobe and for what. nothing fits me anymore.#im slowly reverting back into the hoodie 24/7 look i had in high school i hate it i hate it i hate it#and like on top of that i also feel guilty for wanting to lose the extra weight#because like to my brain thats obviously just me being a self-hating fat person which is worse than killing puppies#im supposed to be more confident than that. i get good grades in therapy why cant i be doing great about myself all the time.#but noooo sender always has to be sad about something. look at this guy. nothings ever good enough for it.#so yeah that might have something to do with why ive been feeling like shit lately huh
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tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(
#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever#and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!!#i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved#and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad#like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause#unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided#to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also#but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee#i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested#man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading#and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier#and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!!#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago#and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man#u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever#insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc#ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone#gn#.vent
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