#but wtvr. the post wasnt even originally abt that | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nomairuins · 4 months ago

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the difficulty of trying 2 explain to ppl that im Not being self deprecating or belittling my mental illnesses when i say something that could be perceived as overly critical towards myself but that thise things actually r true abt me. ppl did die.

#i wrote a whole post trying to explain and then i realized it judt wasnt particularly worth it so i out it in the drafts. so i wrote for #like 20 minutes and all i got is soooo insanely dissociated . can we kill connor im sick of this fucking guy #idk. i wish often incould just project my brain on a wall or sometjing abd ppl would get it and i wouldnt have to explain it #bc everytjing i say even when it sounds crazy or it sounds oike im habing a breakdown its like. its how it actually is its the truth but #nobody ever fucking understands bc i cant. word it in a way that makes it make sense to people #like my most prominent 'delusion' i cant fucking explain it to people bc theyre like Woah thats rly rly rly concerning and sounds like its #rly harmful for yourself to believe that but it literally isnt I have to believe it bc its one of the only things that actually is keeping #me alive but if i ever fucking talk abt it nobody understands it #sometimes it is very scary and it makes me miserable that its true but i know that it is true. ive woken up in terror crying abt it Multiple #times but ik that its true and its a good thing its true bc it means i am alive roght now. as alive as i always am at least #but wtvr. the post wasnt even originally abt that #it was abt dropout stuff and like. yk. bc when i say I dropped out bc i was lazy and whiny ppl think im being mean 2 myself and erasing like #the depression and the ptsd and the Identity shit and the dissociation and the panic attacks and the seizures and grief and stuff #but its like. yes all that also was going on but i also was just lazy. if i wasnt lazy i couldve judt fucking graduated and i wouldnt be #trapped now #<- That is only true for me . ik thats like a stupid thing to say but this is why i cant rlt Be honest abt how i feel abt myself dropping #out is bc i get horrific fucking guilt bc i Was judt lazy and fucking stupid and i Am a bad person for not graduating hs #but that is not true for other dropouts for other dropouts deopping out doesnt mean youre dumb or lazy and it doesnt make you a bad person #but its different for me ik everybody thinks theyre the exception but i am i Am just lazy i am just stupid and its my fault. specifically.#idk i need to go lke slam my head into a wall.#idk what happened i wasnt fucking doing bad and then i made like. a loghthearted post abt sometjing and derailed in the tags and now its #oh i remembered. i tried to sign up for a ged class and encountered 1 obstacle and fucking gave up . God. i loterally havent changed at all #we neeedddd to get rid of connor or at least get a bew one in so fucking sick of being rhe one im so sick of being Connor i dont want it #anymore . head on pike #idk. im fine. im just habing a momey. im.probably judt pissy bc i didnt sleep. maybe ill take an edible

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