#HE MOVED ON A BIT BUT HE'S STILL SAD
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*Inside of the box is two statues, one of Tomb's crown and another of a very familiar weapon*
"Heya Sean"
"Merry Christmas. I made you a little something to remember"
"I'm sorry I haven't been around lately, I've needed time away from the dangers for a little while and give myself time to teach myself more, I'm sorry I haven't come back. Honestly I might never come back, I'm safe here and nobody has bothered me. Not only that but I've unlocked a better form of myself, a stronger form of myself."
"I love you still. I miss Tug all of the time."
"But I haven't been able to think about you without getting reminded of that. Thing."
"But I know how you are, you determined thing..."
"Follow the lanterns once you decide its a good time to see me. Other than that, burn this note. I don't want anyone else knowing I'm around."
- @tomb-the-god
(Sean walks closer, reading the note entirely as he just bursts down into tears, putting it into his dimension that nobody can access)
By the crowns... It's been many years and this is what I get to see again....
I need to see you, I WANT to see you. I will follow the lanterns you speak of, my old love...
(He immediately puts on his coat, walking outside to follow the lanterns, it's snowing yet he feels warm)
#NO. NO... NO NO!! WE CANNOT BE SAD THIS TIME BRO. PLEASEEEEE#HE MOVED ON A BIT BUT HE'S STILL SAD#ask sean#retired god of war#cult of the lamb#oc askblog#rp
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was feeling 'fine' (all things considered) then spent 3 hours daydreaming about oc stuff without moving and inch and now i feel very much not fine, i really cant win can i :(
#ganondoodles talks#personal#yes it was sort of sad stuff#but new stuff i hadnt thought about before that arent part of any of the planned stories#i dont even know if im feeling worse again bc it was kinda sad#or bc i didnt move a muscle for hours#or by its late and i barely got sleep last night#or bc i yet again wasted so mayn hours doing essentially nothing#or its all of the above#going to bed :(#you can still send me asks btw!!#im trying to answer them all and i got the next week off work so maybe more time for this#for soem reason i keep struggeling trying to get shargons design into a shape i like#i feel like hes still the one with the most 'boring' one#i want to make him more bird like but i cant seem to get it right#................................also that comic i mentioned in a previous post is haunting me#i keep seeing bits of it and it looks so cool but i cant get myself to actually read it#why am i like this q-q
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Usopp briefly needing a high vantage point, so Sanji launches him into the air with "Armée de L'air: Darling Shoot!"
Usopp is not pleased with the name because it doesn't sound tough enough. (Also maybe this is something they've practiced a few times on the ship. It's uniquely suited to them because Usopp is long ranged and trusts Sanji to catch him after. Also, Sanji is very used to catching, launching, and kicking Usopp, so he knows what works and what doesn't)
(this doesn't work with the others consistently because either they don't want to/fighting style doesn't fit with it, they know Sanji won't bother catching them, and/or Sanji himself does not want to launch them if he doesn't absolutely have to [Zoro; he is fine with that])
(alternatively, this works just fine with the others, but Sanji wants it to be his and Usopp's 'thing' unless absolutely necessary)
#one piece#nemotime#sanuso#usopp#sanji#Usopp bans Sanji from crawling into his hammock for a couple nights the first time Sanji says the name in battle#he pouts and sulks about it. Usopp i mean. Sanji is being sad and pathetic about his punishment too but in a different flavour#can't decide if Sanji should just keep the name and have this be a recurring cycle with them every time they use it#or if Sanji should try new names each time that are progressively more sappy and get him even more time in the dog house#both are funny so it's a hard choice hmmm#oh Usopp's suggestions aren't good either btw. they sound cool to him (and Luffy and Chopper who were his brainstorming buddies for it) but#they are very lame. in a cute way. Sanji refuses to use any of them though#he definitely kicks Usopp's shins a bit if he starts insisting on something too much#Usopp will get all dramatic and whine about it but Sanji is basically just tapping him. its barely a kick. Usopp will still say he should#get recompense in the form of sole naming rights. Sanji kicks him noticeably harder for that#hmm. i could move this from the tags to the post but. nah
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Wake up somewhere better, maybe (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#Harvey Dent#ZEX#Blood#Ask to tag#Stepping back even further - I'm sure you can understand needing a little extra time on this#For multiple reasons haha#It took such a while to finish the first one and not just on an editing front! Honestly that didn't take very long at all haha#There's a frame somewhere that's bothering me - I ''animated'' that movement frame-by-frame myself so if it's a bit strange it's my eye#At least it's mostly like what I wanted! Mostly like what I saw in my head! The three overlapping and then drawing back to show the depth#It really was such a strong mental image for me - it's amazing how simultaneous things can be despite being described separately#The dog - Harvey - ZEX - all moving at their own pace! A split second can be so expanded like a slow-mo shot ah#It's honestly a very beautiful medium#Hhhh ZEX's death was very affecting to me ;; I so very much wanted him to go out the way he wanted to#Befitting his Admiral status - strong and confident and surrounded by his crew#But by that point he was so tired and ready to rest - it would have been sadder to watch him continue to barely scrape by#Not even killed by his Beauty! Just one good chomp from one big sick dog :'0#The others trying to protect him - they didn't know him just out of whatever empathy they had for their fellow!#Zero was a hero so that kind of character is easy enough haha but even Harvey! Even after ZEX made him uncomfortable with his long looks lol#He was still willing to help in whatever way he was able ;; And it still ended the same#His last word being just ''pain'' hhhwehhh ;;#It is always the saddest-saddest to me to have such an articulate and eloquent witty verbose and silly character reduced to singulars#Something so simple and still so expressive hh </3 ZEX dearest hweh#But loving also means letting go! Death was a release he needed even if it's sad#I'm a real sucker for Meet Me In The Afterlife kind of stories so I may or may not have batted that around as an idea down the line#He has plenty of loved ones that have seen the other side - even from the Institute specifically!!#It's not exactly a happy ending but it's something <3
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no matter how much my life is improving, i still feel empty and alone
#i got a new job#i like it so far but i thought it would make me happier#it has a little bit i still just feel.. strange#like it isn’t enough#i’m lonely#it’s hard to make friends and i don’t know what to do anymore#i want a boyfriend#i just want someone who cares about me and accepts me#i miss freddy but he hasn’t talked to me in years#i miss the way he made me feel#i worry i’ll never have that again#its still hard to move on because i haven’t experienced anything since#i miss having friends#doing things#life is so lonely#i want to have fun#i want to go out a d have dinner or a picnic avd play in the grass and swing on swing sets#but my life is passing by and i’m still alone#and i’m sad#no matter how much money i make or clothes i buy make me feel better#i just feel worse#because it’s not meaningful#i just want to find something that gives my life meaning#i want love#i want to be in love#but i am starting to wonder if im just unlovable#anyways i’m just yapping cause i have no one to talk to
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I cannot rely on one person for me to be happy my happiness isn't allowed to be only triggered by one person I can be happy at every little thing it doesn't matter about this one person
#im in too far fucking deep again#and when he leaves again its gonna hurt just as much. but more.#finch posts#he makes me happy beyond belief and i goddamn love having a friend who knows me inside out and has done for so long#but. your love is my drug by kesha comes to mind. its fucking intoxicating talking to him#and last time he left (we were 12 and his parents moved their family) it made me kinda depressed and i was so fucking needy to talk to him#and now we're three and a half months into rekindling the friendship and i feel the same like i get really sad already >#>if i just dont talk to him for a couple of days without like a trip or friends or smthn else to entertain me#songs are starting to remind me of him#fuck fuck fuck#1am in the morning makes me too honrst#i think im still a bit (a lot) in love with them#ohmygod i dont even think it i know it#i should go to sleep earlier#it would stop me having so many thoughts#i havent seen him in multiple years but i can still imagine kissing him#oh fucking hell fuck my actual whole fucking life#and his closest friend where he lives now well they were starting to be a bit of a thing and surely its not fucking normal>#>to daydream about kissing a girl who ive literally never seen a photo of#holy fucking hell i am such a hopeless poly bisexual#WHY DONT WE REWRITE THE STARSSSS#oh this is circling round to my suspicions i might be kinda like demi romantic??#i should buy myself flowers . wait. no. i grow flowers 🫠#well i could still buy myself flowers . and i should#i need to go to the beach#cant wait to get a proper drivers license#if youve made it this far down my crisis hi youve gotten to the stage where u can tell what songs im listening to!
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funny to think while ayano & haruka were plagued by The Horrors shintaro was just an asshole for NO apparent reason other than he felt like it and takane was just. living her damn life. just a girl in the world....
#jin: i offer you takane enomoto. kagepro's most fleshed out female character#us: yaaay!#jin: so she's ene right. well in the past she was sick.... and get this.... she was... IN LOVE!#us: that's an interesting character point worth exploring past 'it makes me grumpy' can we see more of that#jin: you'd be right. that's why the illness is such a relevant part of haruka's story...#us: haruka??? takane. we were talking about takane#jin: ah yes takane. well you see she is in love with haruka#us: okay yes you said that#jin: well yeah. then he dies and she's sad.#us: RIGHT AND??#jin: and.... she moves on to get obsessed with shintaro! yayyy!!#kagevinnie#the point im trying to make is that its crazy that ene is such an important AND SUPER EXPLORED character in kagepro yet you still have#to kinda analyze her yourself to find her depth?? especially during the hs days not so much as post aug 15 and having opening eyes#i think the media that best portrays her are the songs but since they are songs it also requires analysis#whereas almost everyone else gets their lives a lot more fleshed out...#pre aug15 takane has so many little bits they never explore cuz haruka's made so much more relevant than anything else but theyre THERE#hs quartet ayano and haruka have their whole stuff and while shintaro isnt explored back then he IS a burnout gifted kid with depression#and takane's just. she has a crush teehee#anyways#on one hand it pisses me off on the other i just. love how unbothered takane is.
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I knew Stain was gonna die because he wasn’t a LoV villain but I'm still bummed.
Like he wanted to die, so he got what he wanted, but I sorta hoped it would be a bit more heroic, I guess. I mean, he honestly didn't do anything helpful except cheer on All Might and get killed. Just like with his past contribution, he could have been removed, and nothing changes.
I will forever be disappointed we never got tenya meeting him again or even thinking about him given this was supposed to be the villain redemption arc.
I also find it funny that so far, he's the only villain that has died trying to actually stop AfO/trying to do good. Like yes, Toga might have died saving Ochako, but it was from a wound she gave her. Meanwhile, Touya might have had his last breath, wishing his family was dead.
I'm just bummed it was so pointless and quickly moved on from. It wasn't even the end of the chapter. AfO turns him into juice, and that's the end of it--on to All Might, thinking of his other dead friends.
Which, yes All Might is far more important then Stain, but it does make it feel as if Hori just tossed him in so AfO got a kill and he tied up a lose end as fast as possible.
Given the past villain death scare chapters, I know hori can do touching ends. Like it would not have killed him to have a one panel flash back of Stain as a kid holding an All Might doll when he thinks about how he didn’t even have a high school education. It would have humanized him before becoming a blood splatter and renforced that villains used to be kids once.
Instead, we get panels of him sniffing blood on rocks. 😒
#bnha 401#hero killer stain#akaguro chizome#bnha spoilers#bnha#like again knew he was most likely gonna kick the bucket#and it was always gonna kill me a little because hes my fav#but still i expected a bit more effort#like at least Hori had him think about how he learned to be a hero from AM#but its really shallow and a waste of a death the way its done#like stain was more integral to the plot then the dude saving bakugou#but he got a way more touching end#i swear if someone makes one of those is stain dead or alive blogs im going to lose it#bitch is super dead#even if we didn’t see the body#the fact its so quick and moved on from is all the proof u need#will he be alive in the au i have in my head?#yes very much#but canon wish hes mush now#and the sad thing is#no one will care#and its clear hori always just saw him as some crazy guy#only a little more sane then flesh eating body suit Moonfish#stain as a concept had great potential and now hes meat paste#waste of a character 😒
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hmmm so it seems like i’ve forgotten how to stitch scenes together bc i’m working on the next chapter for FoD and…all i’ve got are two parts. 1. a golden trio situation and 2. a harry & sirius scene. no filler bits, no bridge dialogue/prose. it’s so weird but a very large part of me is tempted to post it as is. hmmmmmm.
#i also need to#start thinking of my plot lol#i’m having entirely too much fun w the interpersonal dynamics#there’s so many more on the list#but still#i think it’s time for harry to leave for hogwarts#:(((#sadness abounds#but the quicker that happens#the quicker we can do the blood quill arc#and iiiiiif i still go ahead w my original plan for it- it would set up a major conflict b/w sirius and harry also hm#not sure ab that rn bc of how i’ve written those two#but let’s see#i need to fit in dumbledore also#altho it does help thwt this is the year he cuts all contact#oooooh occlumency woth snape 👀#forgot about that#dude there’s so many plot points in OOTP wtf#how is a person supposed to do a proper rewrite smh#i’m also thinking of moving up some of the timeline#but that would negate the xmas scene. hm.#also where to put sirius’ nightmare#summer or xmas#so many decisions to make my god#okay brainstorming in the tags over#back to writing my jilypad#we’ll come to this in a bit#fic: foundations of decay#pen’s writing
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...
#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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How is skeleton shaped (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Papyrus#Sans#Some redraws! I just don't feel like scanning the originals so they'll stay contextless for now lol#I apparently used to draw Papyrus' scarf/cape with a little squiggly bit down the middle of his chest as well :0 I think it looks silly now#The donk-pecks I was talking about! :D Give your sibling a family kiss ♪ As much as skeletons can anyhow lol#Papyrus was being silly and then leaned down fully expecting it lol - another thing smol and I do a lot haha#Sometimes doing the cat thing of headbutting for attention lol#Sad skele doodles! Oh no! D: Best boy is the saddest around </3#I used to draw Papyrus' mouth as having teeth behind his teeth so I gave it another go - I think I'm good on it now lol I like his weird jaw#I don't know if I based the original eye-glows off anything specific :0 I wasn't as particular about my notes back then haha#He is still very fun to draw crying tho poor lad :')#Originally the second one of Papyrus with his eyes glowing had Sans comforting him with a forehead donk - even in this redraw!#But I got the angle wrong so I removed him and then had brainworms about it lol#Something something the player (the artist) controlling the appearance/experience and moving the pieces (the characters) around as they like#I already know all that! I've been metaphorically playing with dolls for years years years! It just never stops being weird#It's like being aware of my own breathing and blinking - it's ''natural'' and normal and there's obviously nothing wrong with it lol#There's just a level of awkward....Feeling surrounding awareness lol - intentionality! It's not like I can stop just because I'm aware of it#It's just so whimsical /neutral - if Sans had turned out how I wanted him to he'd be there comforting his brother! But because I...#As stated I have brainworms please excuse me lol#The level of weird feels between the various mediums is really interesting to me tho :) Being a player or reader or watcher or artist!#They all feel different - more or less in control of what happens to them and yet never fully without culpability hehe#Obviously as an artist it feels the most in control - even to my own empathetic detriment! (It's not that serious lol)#The difference between being a player and a reader is a lot closer than being a watcher tho imo it's like a spectrum of responsibility#Though that's kinda also just how I feel about media consumption in general lol - I guess one of those is technically media production#Anyway! Lol#I don't know where I got the idea that his hoodie is two-tone other than the separation of his pockets?#It is a cute design! Dunno if I'll keep it going forward just for convenience but I'm not mad about it lol
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I love playing Pokémon in a way that would absolutely kill anyone who knows a thing about the game. No I don’t know most weaknesses and strengths of typings or what I should be using. No I’m not building a well rounded team. No I don’t remember battle to battle what moves are effective against what Pokémon’s even if I just fought them and lord knows I don’t really understand their power or literally any stat my mons have. I am heavily brute forcing my way through this game with my team full of Sunflora fusions because this is Infinite Fusions and I can do that. Yes having everyone a grass type presents problems. No I don’t care! I will beef them up enough they can tank hits until I can destroy whoever I’m fighting and if all else fails I have potions and revives and everything I need on stock to keep going. I do not know what I’m doing but I’m having fucking fun with it!!!!
#ravenpuff rambles#there are few moments I want to be a streamer but good lord it would be funny to play Pokémon for people who actually understand the game#everyone would be so angry with me#meanwhile I’m tehehahaing because I accidentally made a good move and one shotted a man with my Alakazam fusion#I only play to have fun and also have cute Pokémon’s#even if this wasn’t a fusion game I would have a problem not having a lot of grass types because I love them#worst news is that I can’t afford to have a grass/grass Pokémon because I need some coverage#I miss my Sunflora/Leafon the little legend#but I do love my team they’re all so cute#I did have to replace my Sandslash/Sunkern fusion who was an absolute cutie but unfortunately had low hp because I could evolve the Sunkern#there’s no custom sprite for Sandslash/Sunflora and I couldn’t have the default horror on my team#I do still have my Alakazam/Sunkern fusion though because despite being a hella glass canon he’s fast and hits hard and psychic moves are so#good!! He also does have a Sunflora sprite which is sad but the Sunkern one is fucking epic#the rest of my team includes Vensaur/Sunflora (my starter)#raichu/Sunflora fusion (Who I had in my last run and an absolute cutie) Ninetales/Sunflora (who thankfully has an ability that makes him#immune to fire moves) Umbreon/Sunflora (Literally baby. also a bit of a heavy hitter)#and my Lapras/Sunflora (my newest edition who replaced the Sandslash mostly so I can surf)#I can’t wait to destroy the Elite 4 when I eventually roll up there with my crew#Truly they’re all unstoppable as long as you don’t use fire and also that one move that literally takes them all out#anyways I need to get a photo of them all because they’re so cute but for now take my word#and know I’m playing Pokémon in a way that will piss off so many people. because I’m just quirky like that
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being a girl is getting a lil high and turning on music that you can cry sing to while thinking about your ex who did you so wrong even though you’re literally the happiest you’ve ever been and don’t miss him at all at all at allllll!!!!!
#hey i hope it’s sooo shitty in the black dog btw#why wasn’t i good enough#i hate that he makes me ask that#why is he doing all the things i wanted him to with her#if he’s capable why didn’t he want to for me#i am sooo thankful for music#bc when gracie abrams said and you look stupid going out if she’s got a pulse she meets your standards now…#and when she said AND ALL I EVER DID WAS CONSIDER YOU UNTIL ALL I COULD DO WAS CONSIDER ME#and when she said you really thought you would get what you wanted#and when taylor swift said does it feel alright to not know me??#and when gracie said bit the bullet didn’t hurt but i still hate the image of you kissing her…#like i’m over him why does it bother me so much he’s moved on#oh maybe it’s bc it’s with the girl he told you he was in love with all throughout high school#i’m just glad B came along when he did#lol me when i remember i was technically still in a relationship when we first met#hehehe oopsies :3#i’m just a girl!!!#plus i was already planning on breaking up with him after he didn’t get me anything for my bday not even a card#so like i was practically single hehe#anyway time to stop feeling sad for myself bc i have a hot ass dilf who is unbelievably perfect in every way for me#B - i love you!
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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