#Because for one I am also mentally ill
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Masterpost
#Dark Meta Knight#Shadow Kirby#Meta Knight#Kirby#King Dedede#Daroach#marx kirby#Magolor#Bandana Waddle Dee#Bandana Dee#Marx#Kirby series#kirby headcanons#text post meme#text post memes#disability headcanon#okay I wanted a particularly exhausted Dedede so I snagged him from triple deluxe#i just think Dedede would have chronic pain from. you know. getting torn in half that one time#before you come after me for Magolor's panel: I do not think ocd and intrusive thoughts make you do bad things#I just think he already had it and the Master Crown made it worse (via lingering magic from the possession)#i dunno how mental illnesses work in aliens that use magitech#I had a lot more here but I decided I'm not going to continue rambling in the tags#I can expand on any of these headcanons at any moment if you want feel free to ask#also I saved that Kirby one for last because I thought it would hit with oomph#she speks#she speks originale#she edits#yes I'm working on the masquerade I am just obsessed with making text post memes
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To be honest I don't really want mutuals who instantly assume I commented in bad faith to act "condescending" when I was nothing but light-hearted in disagreeing about a point in the post about one of the characters and agreed with everything else. 🤔 Especially not when I apparently pissed them off so much it made them post TWO (passive-aggressive) posts on the topic of disagreement afterwards instead of.... actual discussion? At least if I assume someone is being mean on purpose I ask them about it
#/vent#I softblocked them tbh#I mean apparently they think ill of me and thing I disagreed on is something they're passionate about#so I probably stepped on a landmine anyway and from my experience these can't be fixed#also it strongly reminded me of subparzero#they got hostile upon assuming I commented in bad faith for literally no reason#and then said I baited them for conflict over disagreeing at one djura point#and told me to go hang out with other neurodivergent folks instead#likewise entirely ignoring obvious signs of support and otherwise loving the post#so yeah having this bad memory resurface just. dealt massive mental damage.#I just don't now what's in such people's heads#I said I should stop vagueblogging about negative interactions lol#but honestly this made my blood pressure jump super high#needed almost an hour to calm down and type this#mostly because I'd think a *mutual* would not assume I am just here to trash on them#especially when there was no reason to!!!#at this rate I don't even actually want to know what in my comment was 'condescending'#either language barrier or autistic barrier the answer is always the same#something I physically can't fix so its whatever
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I won at buying doujinshi today
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So cute explodes
#yeah ill scan this. its only like the second half tho. and i dont remember the first half lol#i opened my package around 8 am then went back to sleep. its mostly a blur#distracted by testament being mentally ill and so cutesy pie#there isnt a ton of testament in the other stuff i got but there is an interesting gender moment from 1999#kind of changing my perception of when daisuke started really thinking about their gender.#because it is presumably a reference to that one transcending humanity daisuke quote. its so interesting.#best source we have is from march 2002 but ive seen it mentioned october 2001. and well. december 1999 now. crazy#i cant use doujinshi as a source though. few credibility steps below a 2ch post. which is already pretty rough.#but theres other evidence and also they are literally nonbinary now like its plausible we dont have to think too hard abt it its okay pleas#ive spent too much time thinking too hard about it.#the kat goes meow#gg
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lord its so dark in here the sahara desert of tsaritsa content you are like a shining oasis. your characterisation of her compels me & mihoyo would be hard pressed to top it imo.!! caaaaan i humbly request yr thoughts on her first meeting w a reader of any kind, or maybe even multiple kinds (sagau, sagau god au, isekai, etc) if you so desire...
it really is like a desert here. being the fan of a character we aren't getting until the last damn nation is driving me up a wall but i will persevere bc if nothing else i support morally bankrupt women in media. we r in a severe drought over here but i do my best. unfortunately nothing i say is ever coherent so pull out your translation notes its abt 2 be messy
also this got out of hand but thats bc first meetings w the tsaritsa are tricky to write + a LOT of her characterization lies in deeper exploration then just surface level yknow...NOT A DIG AT YOU this is just my excuse for rambling. gently pats the tsaritsa she can hold so much complexity i do not have the word count to delve into it completely :]
gonna talk cult au for a bit here though because that's 99% of my content. and honestly? she thrives in sub au's of the cult au like villain au + imposter au. it's basically made for her. i mean, early days, the imposter au had been going around for a little while but one of the first few ideas was the Fatui taking reader in so like. it kinda technically actually was. pretty sure cult au Tsaritsa popped up because of the imposter au. a lot of it's writers kinda left though which. man am i getting old or.
anyway.
there isn't much of a chance her first impression is all that positive. at best it's usually neutral, imo, but rarely if ever positive. specifically because i view the Tsaritsa as someone who isn't as fanatical as most of the acolytes typically are towards the creator. she's not exactly going to worship the ground you walk on unlike a certain geo lizard. which is partially why i think she thrives in the sub au's i mentioned.
imposter au, for example. she meets you at your lowest. there's no gaudy extravagance or pampering from the acolytes waiting for you because your own acolytes have turned on you. for all intents and purposes you aren't a "god" at all. which is why i don't think she meshes well with normal cult au reader. the Fatui are made up of outcasts, basically, and imposter au slots right in just perfectly. you're weak, at your lowest, when you meet the Fatui in the imposter au. and the Fatui can help you, too.
a mutual exchange, really. the Tsaritsa sees a tool she can use to one up the rest of the nations and especially Archons, and she has no qualms about you using her and the Fatui in turn. you both want something out of it, after all. whether you just want to be safe from the rest of the acolytes, or you want revenge, or whatever else..she'll give you the power to fulfill it, and she gains the strongest piece on the chessboard when all is said and done.
the best way i can describe the first meeting is "practical", i suppose. she sees an opportunity in you. the ultimate gamble. because if she "saves" you, and you dont trust anyone else because they tried to kill you, well..she holds all the cards, doesn't she?
but the Tsaritsa, imo, is just as capable of being just as fanatical towards you as anyone else. she just won't worship you as the creator. but as yourself? clawing your way back to your divine power and taking back what belongs to you? the Tsaritsa is, to me, a character who's character flourishes in long-term fics more because she changes a LOT between "just met reader" and after having been with reader for some time. she's practically apathetic at the beginning but a lot of her character, in my characterization, shines through LONG after the first meeting.
#asks#Anonymous#sagau#tsaritsa#like. am i explaining this coherently?? first meetings r GOOD and i could go on a tangent of like. first meetings w zl and make it work#but first meetings w the tsaritsa is like. you just cooked a 5 course meal. took one bite. called it a day.#so much of my characterization lies in the “after” of the first meeting#because her first meetings are generally the same. she's apathetic at best!! she does not gaf abt the creator in the SLIGHTEST#but show that you are more then the creator? that you do not cling to the title like a shield? that you do not rely on it?#youve got the worst person youve ever known ready to kill a man for you.#tsaritsa is very like. EXTREMELY hard to earn the trust of but when you do she will kill someone for you no hesitation no question#which is why she works SO WELL in villain au and imposter au!!!!!!!!!#esp if theres a fake “creator” calling you the imposter. she hates their ass and was .5 seconds from dethroning them anyway#you just made it 10x easier#also cant do just first meetings bc i am incapable of not shoving themes of love into every fic w her SORRY#tsaritsa going on a full multiple month long mental breakdown bc she is not in love with you but she would destroy everything for u..#(shes in denial)#tsaritsa and complex themes of love and what it means for the god of love to be incapable of feeling it + what it means when reader shows u#LIKE UGHHHHHH okay. i guess ill write another tsaritsa fic and put it in my vault#aka my drafts#i hold so many fics hostage there its crazy#this answered like 0 of ur questions sorry i see tsaritsa and black out and this happens#i just think first meetings dont let her character really come thru but my response got out of hand so uhhhhh everyone look away. please#putting tape over my mouth now so i shut up before this gets worse#basically tsaritsa gravitates more towards outcast reader rather then one who has already become accustomed to the adoration of the acolyte#does that make sense........#i havent slept in forever and im running on nothing but spite and dreams atp dont expect coherency when it comes 2 the tsaritsa from me#head in hands someone please stop me i keep rambling abt the tsaritsa it makes me go NUTS#lays down. explodes
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wanna ask how you feel about the eridan bpd headcanon/theory(?? not sure what to call it!) you're so good at your character analysis and i'd love to see your outlook on it
Since I don't have a degree or any formal training in psychology, I feel deeply uncomfortable diagnosing characters. I've made an autism joke before but only because I'm on the spectrum. He's definitely traumatized and anxious, but I mean those as descriptors of his behavior rather than capital-D Diagnoses. I try to focus on those when I can - the cause and effect of cognition, self-image, and behavior - and those factors may very well match up with DSM criteria, but I try not to touch an actual diagnosis with a ten foot pole unless the author has explicitly stated that X character has Y condition.
#there's a variety of reasons for this#part of it is that im GROSSLY unqualified to be handing out diagnoses when it takes a full on PhD to do that in real life#part of it is that psychology is inchoate and we are still very much in murky waters#for example: complex ptsd isn't even IN the DSM yet#and iirc my therapist told me it was because theyre still figuring out how to classify it (attachment disorder? trauma disorder? etc.)#part of it is that (from my limited and undereducated understanding) there are diagnoses that you can assign by completing a checklist...#but some that require a hell of a lot more testing and ruling out other potential causes#and the cluster-b personalities are (IIRC) not even ones you're supposed to diagnose minors with#bc of fears of self fulfilling prophecy and because minors in general are still developing personalities In General#and like the fact that i can't say that with authority speaks to how unqualified i am to do any diagnosing right? hahaha#and part of it is just because like#unless the story is specifically About That and the author has stated so explicitly#i think diagnosing characters tends to put blinders on analysis#like if i were to seriously go 'eridan is autistic' then it would massively bias my reading and understanding of his character#and we have 0 indication that eridan was ever explicitly intended to be autistic or that the author was trying to do an autism specifically#that doesn't mean that the reading is invalid because like thats what death of the author means#all readings are technically valid including stuff the author didn't necessarily intend#but that's just not the way i like to engage with media and not the way i like to approach character analysis#because PERSONALLY it just feels kind of reductive - but also -#i'd wager MOST of us don't have degrees in psychology#so when i say 'X character has Y condition' it might mean something totally different to somebody reading my analysis#even people who have Y condition aren't exempt because a lot of mental illnesses differ from person to person#whereas if i explain “X character has Y thoughts and Z behaviors” there's no ambiguity in that#eridan struggles with noticing that people are suffering and with realizing that he should care#at least part of this is due to his horrific murder-filled upbringing which rendered empathy a detriment & so he learned to ignore it#it could be autism - but it could also be trauma -#or he might just be Like That without actually meeting the diagnostic criteria for autism#& you can't even technically be diagnosed with C-PTSD#or maybe he has a burgeoning personality disorder but you aren't supposed to DX those too early anyway#or maybe hes just 13. see what i mean hahaha. ive reached the 30 tag limit
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#tw vent#tw suicide#this is my diary#i cant stop crying its so annoying i start tearing up every other minute#nothing in my life is the way i want it to be#and i cant fix any of it#and i just feel horrible all of the time#i wish i would just die already#like.#im done here. ive nothing more to do#i wouldn’t really mind#i think i might be doing way worse than i have ever before because i cant stop or ignore things anymore#like i cant stop myself from saying it i cant bottle it up like before#i mean. i didnt even mean to admit to it but i fucking slipped up and said it earlier todsy#and suddenly the words ‘im doing bad’ slipped out of my mouth. which is crazy because i would never admit to anything like that.#its so scary to think about that im doing bad because that means im doing bad#wdym i would just give up wdym wdym wdym im. like thats not me its not me. its not me its not me thats not me#i feel like theres two uh idk brains inside me and the one that wants to live is being completely overstepped by the other one#i have so many feelings all the time and i still do but its also like. i dont care. like theyre somehwat muted or number now#and i dont think thats a good thing#also i feel horrible for admitting im doing bad because i know myself and i would never do that so im not me i cant be because me woulndt#and i feel bad that that worries people because as much as i feel like dying i wont do that and i know it sounds like i will but i wont#but i feel bad about making people worry#so pls dont worry because i Am doing fine. well. enough to live but like#i sound mentally ill
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Full on believe that the writers made chozen go back to Okinawa before the whole Johnny and Daniel argument because they knew that Johnny wouldn’t even have been able to finsh that sentence about mr miyagi being a liar and theif if chozen was there because chozen would have kicked his ass right there wouldn’t even let Johnny get the sentence out
And I also believe that he definitely would have went after Tory and helped her calm down or calm everyone down and let them take a break and definitely he would have agreed with Daniel and Amanda about stopping the fight
Dude, I hadn't thought about it but you're not wrong.
Like. They (thought they) needed that conflict to happen. (For some reason) And it wasn't going to if they had given a shit about character growth. Chozen very much was a steadying presence between Daniel and Johnny. He was Daniel's ride or die. He wouldn't have let that stand. Not only because it was stupid to fight, but also due to the blatant disrespect tbh. He has shown clearly he stands up for Daniel and miyagi do above all else.
I feel like he got the same treatment a girlfriend gets? Oh, the plot would be simpler with them involved, get them out of there. And like, where in the world is Carmen Diaz because she has so been reduced to a lamp. (And would probably give him a piece of her mind, which she never used to be afraid to do in the first two seasons. But i guess if you're in a relationship with someone you're not allowed to disagree) Like, for a while he was "confused but got the spirit" about other cultures, but as with everything else to do with Johnny's character they seemed to walk that back for some reason?
Literally, Mr zabka. I am so sorry they did this to you. They nerfed you hard.
Re, the thief comment, I still can't believe that made it in the show. That's an entire new level of disrespect. I know I'm using that word a lot but it fits. It's not just shoddy writing or bad character development, but feels legitimately mean spirited as a sort of "take that" to the original trilogy and its themes.
Which they obviously had to take some offense to given they were still caught up on it 30 years later, enough to write their own fanfic about it from their own POV. But it seemed more fair and even in the first two seasons before a lot of, what seems like petty dislike, came out through the show. Which also happened to coincide with COVID and a new wave of fans who Didn't Get It. And I do think them taking away all of Johnny's development was a way of appeasing those "he's so cool because he's un PC" fans
I still can't get over how the show seemingly turned into the antithesis of the movies. How there was so much promise and character growth only to throw it away for a bigger budget, more fight scenes, and memes.
R.i.p Chozen. You got written off because you made too much sense. I'm sure there's a specific name for that type of trope, like fridging.
#*rolling in the deep by adele ays loudly through my boombox as i stare out the window forlornly*#also also somewhat unrelated but i am so confused about how they treated Johnny's alcoholism as something Genuine.#like a mentall illness. a disease. a terrible coping mechanism. they were actually pretty accurate roflmao#and then it turned into more surface level jokes like him practicing swaddling a six pack#and then they just... kind of forgot about it? and transferred it to Chozen? who did not show hints of that earlier?#and then they dropped that as well?#ck negativity#a nonny mouse#yes i did say “their own pov” because sadly i also feel like they're just using johnny as a self insert at this point#🧂#dont get me started all over again about the “we have to humanize miyagi when he was ALREADY HUMANIZED and flawed and angry etc#and if they thought daniel had forgotten that it was because they were trying to write him as a strawman#like. you're the one who pushed the karate yoda agenda and now you want to undo it and blame it on the characters?#im FINE
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actually. the specific phrasing that boy Kevin wants to kill older Kevin with "I must disassemble him, piece by piece, so that everything inside of the Old Kevin comes out. Only then can the New Kevin truly begin." is so incredibly the idea that to heal from trauma and "improve" you have to destroy every "wrong" part of yourself, that everything "tainted" by it has to somehow be replaced by something untouched (which isn't possible)
#reading back that phrasing I do think that'll be the way brinknor takes it#this arcs seeming like it'll be so. breaking the cycle of abuse and violence and coming to terms with yourself#and maybe understanding that you can never remove the parts of you impacted by trauma and start again completely ''pure''#but you can treat yourself with the kindness you should've been given#which i hope it is that because. and understand i am biased. but i'd love that direction for Kevin#it feels much more satisfying than any more. angsty way this arc could go imo#like he's been through enough!#because of the way Kevin is portrayed in fanon. not as frequently anymore but still pretty common. I worry about coming off as woobifying#by saying I want him to heal I want him to have nice things I think he deserves them#when he's also simultaneously Not A Good Person#yknow the poor little innocent cinnamon roll baby etc etc fanon#but. well for one im Not Like That about him. but my main point of bringing that up is. him not being a good person is why I want to see hi#get better and generally have a good life. why does someone have to be good to deserve to heal from trauma#especially when trauma is a big reason for the way they are#like its fiction yeah yeah i'm still tired of mentally ill people having to be ''good'' to ''deserve'' to get better yknow#i mean especially in fiction you tend to either see mental illness as the poor traumatized one who's allowed recovery because they're nice#or the insane psychopath who cant be ''fixed'' so ''deserves'' bad things-up to deserving to die!- for it#i didnt mean for this to be a rant erm. oops#wtnv#wtnv spoilers#joyousposting
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See the thing is. I know I'm good at writing. Like I have my weak areas or things I need to improve in, but it's not a skill I otherwise spend a lot of time feeling insecure about because a) if I don't believe in my writing literally who will b) if I want to publish my writing I ought to at least feel a resting level of good about it because editors and agents likely will not be cradling my face like a prize cat and telling me how talented I am while asking for their edits c) I've always had an audience for my writing even at its worst– I started sharing my original works online when I was around 16 & that really helped sell to me the idea of 'there will always be someone out there who likes what you do' d) untalented men never think this hard about the quality of their works and they always end up published anyway and e) I don't have many other thoroughly developed skills so why not have one I feel good about. Having said this. Awkward feeling to realize you're one of the authorial weak links in your postgraduate creative writing degree's social circle
#part of the issue is definitely also like. i am good at what i do! its just that im the only one doing it#40 people in my fuckass degree and im the only one who writes fantasy fiction. we had one more girl but she did romance & dropped out#(to be an agent) (this isnt a sad story)#but yeah no im mostly surrounded by very talented poets and screenwriters. which makes my works seem a little. frivolous. in comparison#and my friends especially are so fucking talented it makes me ill. and they engage politely with me about my writing but its also#superficial and i cant blame them because its simply not what they write/what theyre interested in! i feel the same about poetry#but my friend actually seemed surprised a while ago when i mentioned a thing id been writing and i joked that it looked like she was#surprised i could have good ideas and she didnt answer. and like. man.#i am a good writer! i fucking know im a good writer but im a good FANTASY writer and these people are. different writers and theyre good an#im floundering in this environment next to them and theres something not as like.. artistic in what i do its so fucking embarrassing#and they also display just such a lack of curiosity as to others' writing like.. they wont check the moodle forum to read what the others i#our module have uploaded for each assignment?? like arent you even just CURIOUS? but now im also just wondering if theyre like 🤞 this#with each other in a way that excludes me and my stupid flop ass fiction. i dont know. its just so silly. everyone always talks about#finding community in writing groups & degrees & such and that is exactly the last and most isolating place ive ever been insofar as my#writing goes. like at least way back in high school no one cared in general. here people do care. just not about what i can bring to the#table. although again i really dont know if this is a larger scale lack of curiosity/involvement in others works so i digress.#notnow#tbd#sorry this is a very priveleged complaint to have i AM deeply enjoying my degree and ik im so lucky to get to go where i attend. i just#occasionally feel sad. and knowing i failed my last assignment (which WAS fiction) (one chance to prove myself! cute) isnt helping much#if the poetrypeople are better at me even in the thing im meant to be good at. baby we're about to enter the mental health meat grinder.#but we stay silly. i think i just need to find people online etc to talk to about writing again like i did at 17.#just full insanity paragraph analysis. that was fun. i enjoyed that.
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sorry i’m not done talking about chaos walking actually. i’m just thinking about todd hewitt as a ya sci-fi protagonist like you just open the book as a 12 year old or whatever and you’re like can’t wait to read about this young hero’s thrilling adventures on this far off planet! okay he’s illiterate. oh he’s mean to his dog. ok he self harms. oh now he’s committing a hate crime. and that’s like. before we even get to book two and the whole complicit in a genocidal regime situation. todd hewitt the character that you are 🫶
#chaos walking#interesting complicated characters my beloveddddddddd#also todd���s self harm is like very much not talked abt enough in my opinion.#patrick ness does an incredible job of capturing the need to externalize your pain and the idea of depression as anger turned inward#pain and grief and rage being too much and hating yourself more than anything for all of it. like yeah#feeling like you’re not enough and punishing yourself for it.#so furious and devastated about whatever it is in your life with nowhere to put those feelings so you turn it all back on yourself#because what else can you do?#you can never be angrier at anyone more than yourself. no one can destroy you more than yourself.#oooouuughh it’s sooooooo good. it’s sooooo good. being a mentally ill teenager is really Like That#because literally of course todd is mentally ill. of course. in the circumstances in which he grew up literally who wouldn’t be#like everything abt his life was already traumatic. and then he goes through more truly unspeakable trauma#whole second half of book two he’s fully just passively suicidal.#but love and connection saves him. viola saves him!! which is why the loss of her in book 2 is so devastating.#he was shown what life could feel like. what it should feel like. and it was not only taken away but corrupted (in his mind).#she was his salvation and then not only abandoned him but put him thru the most horror he’d ever seen (spackle genocide) (he believed)#but still she comes back. still she saves him. and her love is bigger than the trauma than the rage than the pain than anything.#you need to love something so much that you can never be controlled.#anyway!!! patrick ness i am in your walls
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Fandom: Tekken
Relationship: Kazama Jun/Mishima Kazuya
Rating: Explicit (this one has sexy times so not for kiddos)
THIS IS POST TEKKEN 8. BIG TEKKEN 8 SPOILERS. DON'T READ IT WITHOUT FINISHING THE GAME UNLESS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT SPOILERS.
Additional Tags: Reunion, Reunion sex, Vaginal Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Awkward Conversations About Not-So-Accidentally Trying to Murder Your Son and Actually Murdering Your Dad and Kind of Accidentally Abandoning Your Unknown Baby-Mama, Forgiveness, Getting Back Together, Dealing with the mental fallout of Tekken 2 to Tekken 8, which for both of them is...a lot, but they're getting there
"I am not the man you want me to be," Kazuya admits. "But that does not mean the man I am does not love you."
"...Still?" Jun asks, the word the only thing that can quite get out of her throat.
#tekken#jun kazama#kazuya mishima#kazjun#kazujun#kazjun week 2024#kazujunweek2024#yes this is SO GOD DAMN LATE#But it took on a life of its own and it's 16K so#;_; I throw myself on the mercy of the Kaz/Jun shipping court#this is the last prompt so now I gotta finish the others I started lol#There will probably be a sequel to this with Jin's perspective at some point because I am mentally ill for the Mishimas atm#because I imagine it would be so fucking weird to seeing your dad and mom get together after all...that#my favorite part of this fic is the repetitive aspect where they mirror one another a lot#....and tbh Kaz going GET USED TO YELLING MY NAME WOMAN which I think is the most in character thing I've ever written for him#this man is a service dom and a terror#I tried to write more realistic sex scene for them here and that was also quite fun!
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i really, truly, terrifyingly am unaware of who i am as a person. obviously, interests don't make up an entire personality. but what am i without them? the labels i use to describe myself no longer fit me. i have these swathes of names in my head that i don't want to belong to me and they do nonetheless. i am rotting. i am dying on the inside. one day i will fit to my own ideals and i will be happy and healthy and see beautiful sunlight stream through my windows again.
#random thoughts#(probably being dramatic because i watched another review of those lacey flash games and those always scare the shit out of me.#stop that crispin your language is so cheap and disgusting!!)#conflicting labels and interests and terms to describe the amalgamation of personalities i refer to as mine.#i have no concept of time and it is making me sick to my stomach. i do not remember. so many things.#this is only recent. i have not gone outside in a while.#not properly at least. there was yesterday (or whenever tuesday was) but that was for. legalities.#i sit in my room and i lose track of time and i drink water and i rot and i rot and i rot.#hey what's all this talk about rotting i need to promote the album......... 60 streams in just four days wow!!#listeners in japan and new zealand and germany and all that. amazing.#spotify no longer has malice mizer on the podcast i used to listen to. but there's another one.#i need to talk about random things. i have so much to say.#i've been speaking every day but i need to extend my reach to more people. there is a chance i am very mentally ill and i can't even tell#any of you.#in more ways than one now ! ! ! ! !#the term “crazy person”. i really do feel like it.#and i can't tell if it's properly me or myself in a way that. is. i will not elaborate.#something something four years of speculation.#that's cured momentarily i had a human interaction. i think i need to write meaningless words now. (sorry.)#torturous cloth bleeding desperately for the shrines you see nothing is ever really anything when you look at it beyond the surface of seas#and pretty intricate little cobwebs dancing a tune and spelling out the number 50 which is insignificant and means nothing obviously you#know this now#but as a member of us do you isolate yourself place yourself on a pedestal ever i think we're really all just that purple-blooded syndicate#i got into the things you like so i could be a part of you and now you are a part of me altered in the back of my mind though here you see#he took his own face and name now so he is different in some respects#no i don't like this i can see his face peeling in the forefront of my mind perhaps it is something i ought to share to the world through#song#(okay i just needed to do this. fine now. this post is also scheduled. may or may not delete.)#the internet is really scary!!!!
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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Breaking news: the sky is blue
(Further stats under cut)
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#not TWO hades songs being on my top five 😭#also can I just say I’m super surprised that epic the musical didn’t get a MENTION like ANYWHERE?????#I genuinely thought it would be there somewhere but it’s radio silence#my deepest apologies to jorge rivera-herrans I will be sending you $100 in the mail to compensate for my misgivings#probably because spotify is one of two places I listen to music#I download music for whenever I’m not home because fuck spotify premium#tbh I thought this would be more mentally ill#maybe I’m getting better! (I am not)#anyways#spotify wrapped
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currently at That Point which occurs once every few months where one briefly begins pacing around the house teary eyed contemplating selling their own organs or becoming an online scammer or getting on anxiety meds so you can bear the risk taking required to be a hitman or so on and so forth.... why must everything so Expensive... Surely all would be healed in life if only I had one big plate of lasagna and a simple loan of $40,000 ... auoughhh....
#And then you just eventually shrug and go 'welp. nothing i can do i guess' and sad cartoon music plays as you shuffle back to your room#It's just hard with my specific physical and mental issues since it's like.. I couldn't really handle most jobs. I can't handle school. I'm#100% aromantic and asexual so I'll never get married so I can't get money that way. I have too much issues with social cues#+ too nervous temperament + too low energy to put effort into lying and having a fake relationship just for money. so on and so forth etc.#Really I should have just been born into a middle class family. Which I guess everyone says. but ESPECIALLY considering my#chronic conditions kind of hampering my ability to function 'normally' or be Independent in a regular way. I'm always going to be#in some way sort of beholden to the whims of people around me who I must depend on. so... well of course they might as well have been rich#lol like that would have been better for me of course.#AAANyway... Just thinking about another stupid fucking climate change summer... months keep going by so fast.. soon it will be so again#And it's like such SMALL things would make drastic improvements for me. Literally if I just had a place with central AC#then like 75% of my issues with summer would vanish instantly. literally. But instead it's like.. having a cheap hot apartment + only#half functional dinky window ac + my illnesses that make me heat sensitive + living in a part of the country that keeps getting hotter +#inability to leave the house much meaning I can't just go spend time in a cooler place etc. all factors which combine together to make#it just utterly miserable for MONTHS and mentally draining. And literally ALL I would need to fix that is just...#have a place with central AC that works.. (or move to a colder country/area but that also takes money. Or just not have illnesses#that make me heat sensitive. but that I can't control). etc. etc. I guess it's just the nature of the constant background frustration of#being part of The Masses under our current manifestation of unmitigated capitalism. Such minor details would make such huge#quality of life improvements and yet will remain ever out of reach. ONE little thing could change your whole life but you can't even have#that. so many 'If only' scenarios. etc. And of course obviously I am incredibly thankful just to have anywhere to live at all. food to eat#. any sort of stability whatsoever no matter how fragile it feels/is. But that still doesn't make it not frustrating occasionally to look#around and see how relatively little would have to change in order for you to be a decent percentage more comfortable and yet#how still far away even those ''small'' seeming goals are. etc. etc.#Seriously think I've been traumatized by the summer or something somehow lol like thinking about it being warm weather eventually#makes me nauseous with panic. It's just SOOO much labor. micromanaging windows and fans and blocking every ounce of light#and not being able to cook (cant even afford a single degree of temp increase due to the stove) for months and barely being able#to sleep for months and the claustrophobia of days on end crawling out of your skin because it doesnt even get cool enough at#night to offer relief so you're just always feeling trapped.. hgrhh...#It starts getting hot here sometimes in May but mostly June then lasts through October now.. thats like half the year almost.. ARghhH#anyway... If any extremely rich person reading this would like to buy me an air conditioned house in exchange for multiple years worth#of art (I will paint murals on all of your grand dining halls and make all the custom sculptures you could ever want etc) then.. hewwo :'3c
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if you switch off mags after dying in a magneto mirror match in rivals i am judging you. btw.
#marvel rivals#snap chats#‘how was the movie snap :)’ just as fun as i remember …. im gonna rewatch the last two later 🥰#but yeah Legally i had to end my night with rivals. cause my bro watched the last thirty mins of GoG with me and so i legally had to play#as if i wasnt gonna play anyway ……… anyhow … I Am Judging You djOWSJSK#NO CAUSE 70% OF THE TIME IT WILL HAPPEN#i will enter a game and the enemy team will have a mags and the Second they die i see them switch#like commit ……. idc if its Tactically Superior to swap off you will commit#you will not survive the winter. now watch me dunk this meteor on your team and yall lose anyway ….#im jking we all know im whiffing that meteor. the enemy team Does usually still lose tho skOWJDSJ#‘snap are you ego posting’ NEVER I JUST NOTICE THESE THINGS#listen mags isnt the strongest tank in rivals- hes a good one but most people would prob say strange has more to offer#so i will laugh when i see the enemy mags switch to strange and still lose like the meta pick will NOT save you#tho if you can argue mags is Also a meta pick …. got accused of that today like no im not playing mags cause hes meta#im playing mags because im mentally ill and i just so happened to win hard with this game#if mags was Low Tier Do Not Play i would still play him ok. my mental illness will make a mfer work no matter what#ok im sleeping bye
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