#and my friends especially are so fucking talented it makes me ill. and they engage politely with me about my writing but its also

[carnivalls]

.

See the thing is. I know I'm good at writing. Like I have my weak areas or things I need to improve in, but it's not a skill I otherwise spend a lot of time feeling insecure about because a) if I don't believe in my writing literally who will b) if I want to publish my writing I ought to at least feel a resting level of good about it because editors and agents likely will not be cradling my face like a prize cat and telling me how talented I am while asking for their edits c) I've always had an audience for my writing even at its worst– I started sharing my original works online when I was around 16 & that really helped sell to me the idea of 'there will always be someone out there who likes what you do' d) untalented men never think this hard about the quality of their works and they always end up published anyway and e) I don't have many other thoroughly developed skills so why not have one I feel good about. Having said this. Awkward feeling to realize you're one of the authorial weak links in your postgraduate creative writing degree's social circle

[roo-bastmoon]

Antis say that Jimin is doing fanservice and Jimin talked about it, and you think jikook don't care about bad comments? Jungkook told to people "so what" if they don't like him...clearly they care. The point is that Jungkook doesn't care about Jimin's feelings, he doesn't care that his words bring hates to Jimin. He is selfish.

Hmm. I think it’s probably not as straight forward as that.

I think BTS are sensitive and emotional artists. I think Jimin in particular takes many things to heart. Especially criticism.

I’ve seen plenty of instances where JK cries with and for Jimin, worries for him, makes every effort to be in his orbit and on his team, goes out of his way to spend personal time with him, hypes him up, and compliments his skills. I trust that wasn’t all facetious fan service.

It would be really nice if he’d say something along the lines of “An insult to one of my members is an insult to me—please don’t do it.” Because I’d understand if he can’t aggressively smack down haters without it becoming a huge news story. But something like “I really hate doing fake things” or “Get out of your imagination” or “please love all seven of us” and “protect our hyung” sounds a bit softer; these are more roundabout ways to make the point but still show support. Sometimes JK doesn’t even wish members a happy birthday on social media and that takes like two seconds and no effort. Drives me nuts.

I don’t know why JK has stopped mentioning hanging out with Jimin. I don’t why he isn’t more demonstrative in his affection and support. I don’t know why Jimin seems a bit more withdrawn and muted these days. I can guess. But I’m not sure it would be helpful.

If we only to go off social media in 2022, he and Jimin seem to lead mostly separate lives and he and Tae are spending more time together. But social media is a construct, not reality. They’ve been traveling, working on solo projects, dealing with illness, and preparing for a concert. They still make time to celebrate White Day together…

Having worked in an entertainment company myself in LA years ago, I know there’s always protocol around how talent can engage with the public. The fact that he can get on instagram at any moment and say anything he wants without running it by a publicist first is an insane amount of freedom for an artist. And with it presents some real danger for drama.

I think he could use some serious schooling in how to tactfully address problematic fans. But also, BTS has been getting bombarded with online hate and cruelty for over a decade. They still smash every record, top every chart, produce their own work, and each member has a net worth of well over 20 million; they are doing creative projects and trying to have concerts despite the pandemic challenges. Thus far, they’ve successfully navigated these waters.

I really hope this last year before Jin goes into service that they are able to have fantastic performances and make good memories. I hope the online bullshit—especially the horrible stuff in English—hardly ever reaches their awareness.

Jimin himself seems to love and trust JK and he knows him best after all this time—he knows the man’s flaws and quirks. He knows his love languages. He knows if someone appreciates him or is using him. I don’t think Jimin would look at him quite so fondly if JK didn’t do emotional labor and be considerate of him in their real lives.

If someone asks me if they can kidnap my best friend and I joke back “sure” that does not mean I don’t care about my friend and wish their enemies to pick on them; it means I have a teasing, banter-filled relationship with my friend, and haters will find any excuse to hate. I really believe JK never imagined people would interpret that obvious joke as “I don’t give a fuck about Jimin/get him away from me!” But here we are.

Try to recall all the soft moments between Jimin and JK over the years—sharing food, neck massages, whispered compliments, giving gifts, holding each other, carrying each other, sleeping in the same bed, their families spending time together. Jungkook may not be defending Jimin on social media, but there’s plenty of evidence that he loves all his members, particularly Jimin. He just kinda sucks at verbalizing it.

Would I like JK to be more demonstrably considerate of my bias? Bet. But also—it’s their relationship. How they relate is for them to decide. All I can do is take them at their word and support their content—but I haven’t a clue what’s really going through their minds right now.

So I’m just giving each member the benefit of the doubt, you know? I’d rather assume someone failed to be considerate out of misunderstanding or lack of capacity, rather than choose to be inconsiderate out of deliberate selfishness.

JK is young but still strikes me as humble, dedicated, gifted, and caring. I can’t attribute the cruelty of his fans to him. That’s their wrong, not his. It’s not his job to lecture or police them. It’s our job as ARMY to try to keep our fandom kind.

Just my way of thinking—I’m not out to say your viewpoint is wrong—and I’m open to changing my mind as more evidence unfolds of course! But for now, I think JK just does and shares what he thinks fans will enjoy and he truly doesn’t realize psychos will twist everything in to death threats and bullying posts. Someone at HYBE needs to give the maknae line a detailed lesson in how to navigate the waters now that the waters are infested with sharks.

But as for me, I could totally be clowning, but I still believe JK cares for Jimin like crazy.

[fireemblems24]

Post Grondor Field AM Analysis

I'm prefacing this by saying that I'm still not sure I can write a good analysis of this scene for two reasons:

1. I don't know what comes after, and

2. I'm very emotionally involved in what happened.

But I tried my best. One thing is for sure though, what happened in Grondor in AM was an incredibly significant turning point for AM and Dimitri and my thoughts and analysis on it will definitely expand as I keep writing about and playing the game.

Part of me is just so happy I got to see Dimitri's supports, have the inevitable turn around, and get to do things like tea and dinner time again that it's hard to be objective about this scene.

And by "this scene," I don't mean that actual fight at Grondor, but everything from Fleche's attack to Byleth's words in the rain later.

It wasn't all about Byleth . . .

Given how poignant Dimitri's character arc has been so far, I had a deep rooted fear player-pandering would ruin it. Byleth, as a concept, isn't bad, but too often the heaps of praise feel underserved and other things (like Claude's intelligence, Edelgard's relationships with everyone else) get ignored to make more room for player-pandering.

Thankfully this did not happen. Byleth, throughout the early chapters of AM's part 2, failed to reach Dimitri. And, honestly, seeing Byleth actually struggle for once has done wonders for how I view her character. Still, I worried that player-pandering-power, rather than something that felt earned, would cause the inevitable eye-opener for Dimitri.

But it wasn't just Byleth. Fleche's vengeance kicked everything off, what veered Dimitri away from his fate in other routes. He accepted his death at her hands, not bothering to defend himself. Rodrigue stepping in the way and his parting words forced Dimitri to confront things he'd ignored. Throughout AM so far, people have posed questions to Dimitri who refused to answer them because he didn't want to face what they asked. But Rodrigue dying for him, spending his final words telling Dimitri to live for himself - combined with Fleche's attack - forced Dimitri to confront things he avoided. It wasn't until after all of that when Byleth steps in.

And Byleth didn't "fix" him either. Dimitri's supports show a young man who's still very much struggling with his mental health, poor self-image, his previous actions, and wondering if he deserves not only to live for himself - but if he even deserves to live. Byleth didn't hand-wave Dimitri's problems away.

Everything about the scene is stronger because it didn't fall back on player-pandering, but more earned, realistic, and dramatic actions and consequences - including Byleth's involvement which felt far more earned than usual because of prior failure.

But I wish Dimitri's friends played a bigger role.

Not everything was perfect though. I wish we got a little more than we did from Dimitri's house mates - especially his childhood friends Sylvain, Ingrid, and extra special mention to Felix and especially, especially Dedue.

Throughout all of AM, none of the above mentioned characters feel utilized to their full potential. This isn't a problem exclusive to AM, and by all means it's far from the biggest offender, but given how close all the ties are in AM, it's felt when it's not there.

I still don't know what exactly I would've done with them. Maybe I'd need to make the game an actual novel to do it, and you can't forget how perma-death has historically held back games at times, limiting major moments to a select few "retreat" candidates.

Still, though, getting a bit more from Ingrid, Sylvain, Felix, and Dedue would've made the scene even more powerful.

I actually really liked the scene in the rain.

I haven't made it a secret that I dislike Byleth. Or maybe disliked is more accurate. Lately I've been rethinking my stance on Byleth, in part because I've heard from people who like her or found ways to make her work and from my own thinking about the game while planning future write ups.

I don't think it's Byleth I really dislike, but the player-pandering. Separating the two isn't easy, but it's easier since I've starting coming around to seeing Byleth as her own character.

There's been a few moments that made me care for Byleth, and this scene in the rain was one of them. Because she didn't just fix everything. She tried and failed for months to reason with Dimitri, and despite everything she never gave up on him or failed to keep offering her hand.

I'm not going to lie. I got all the bubbly, heartwarming, heartbreaking feels the writers wanted me to in this scene. Seeing Byleth reach for something and fail, and then finally, finally get through was rewarding in a way many of Byleth's prior accomplishments aren't because this one felt earned. And by God did she earn it.

Some people will likely disagree with that last point, but I disagree with them. She asked Dimitri hard-hitting questions, forcing him to come to unpleasant conclusions rather than trying to force him into anything. She kept Dimitri from veering to far off course, even at expense to herself when she killed Randolph. She saved Dimitri from Fleche when he refused to save himself. She quietly supported him, coaxing out the good she knew was still there and refused to give up on.

I'd never in a million years say someone in real life should put up with Dimitri's toxic behavior and verbal abuse, even considering his extreme trauma and aggravated mental illness. But seeing someone fuck up so badly still get forgiven, still get supported, still struggle but honestly change for the good, still get loved, start to accept and forgive himself through the power of love and forgiveness from others is very powerful, especially since media so often downplays those "softer" things as weakness in comparison to the "badassery" of ambition and stoicism. Using Byleth, who previously had little experience with feelings, who was encouraged to experience them in healthy ways by Dimitri, return the favor isn't really the worst choice.

It's cliche, but cliches aren't always bad.

The mentor dies. Redemption in the rain. Revenge against the protagonist's actions opens their eyes. Etc . . . This scene was chuck full of cliches, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Tropes serve an important narrative purpose because a writer can rely on them to convey a message to the audience that either saves time or sets them up for something unexpected or even expected. Fire Emblem has always and will always be incredibly cliche and full of tropes. It loves tropes so much there's in-universe ones that make some unit or character discussions sound like a foreign language to people outside of or new to the fandom, talking about "Ests" and calling someone a "Camus."

What matters is if a story pulled something off well, not if it's terribly unique. A mentor dying is powerful because it forces the student to grow. Redemption in the rain is high symbolic of water washing things away + the somber atmosphere rain creates. Someone trying to get revenge against a character provides an eye-opening experience about the ripple effect of their actions. We see these things in fiction all the time because they work.

All the tropes worked like expected in this scene. Using images instead of cut scenes did make less of an impact, but more on that later.

Tl;dr: There's nothing unexpected or terribly unique about what happened. It was honestly painfully predictable, but that doesn't make it bad and is in a series that does this all of the time.

The voice acting carried because those images can't.

A major downside to this scene is that it used vague images instead of a cut scene. I get that budget and time were likely concerns, but many cut scenes from earlier in the game seem rather trivial. Did we really need that dance one? Really? I don't think so.

This was a hugely important, action heavy moment. Using one or two still images to convey everything that's happening and all those emotions, really makes it less than it could've been.

That said, the voice acting saves it. I've raved about how amazing Chris Hackeny is as Dimitri, so nothing new here. Rodrigue's and Fleche's VAs also did a fantastic job. No one oversold or undersold the emotions. Even without the cut scene, you felt what happened thanks to the skill of the actors. This scene would've been so much harder to engage with without them, if this was an older FE game where all you got was text. This is 100% one of the moments highly elevated by the decision to have a fully voiced game and choosing high caliber talent (let's not talk about Radiant Dawn's voice acting).

Questionable support timing.

One issue I had came right after the scene when I viewed Dimitri's supports. The nature of some - like his with Raphael and Alois - didn't quite line up with the character I saw in dialogue right after. I wish they staggered them a bit more or got picker about what you could get in part 1 or 2.

This isn't limited to Dimitri either. In the same support batch, I also got a Marianne B support where she still had no confidence or self-worth. And then like 10 minutes later I talk to her in the monastery and she mentions about how seeing all the death in Grondor made her value her life even more.

In the past, I've also received entirely valid opinions that Dorothea in part 2 is hard to understand because she's cherry and flirty in her supports, and morose and hates the war in her monastery stuff, making her seem inconsistent.

It's a bit jarring. It's not really an issue for characters who don't change much like Edelgard or Raphael, but even for characters with more subtle differences than Dimitri, Marianne, and Dorothea - like, say, Lorenz - you get a lot of weird stuff because of supports. I just think Dimitri's stands out because he's a main character with a really prominent, important turning point for his growth.

[vampdeathbystereo]

Match-up please? (Preferably which male vamp) I am pansexual, female, and 5.3. I have brown shoulder length brown hair, brown eyes with glasses. I am shy and quiet at first and may come off as rude, but the more I know a person the more I open up. I am protective, sassy, emotionally guarded, stubborn, clumsy, tough, touch starved, and introverted. I like the paranormal (even tho I am a skeptic), the 80's, superheroes, videogames, horror movies and true crime. I like any metal, rock, punk or alternative band. I am a major bookworm, collector of anything. I do embroidery, baking, painting, and I am a self taught SFX artist. I have an anger issue, I make stupid jokes at wrong times. I am a tomboy, a farm kid and I have huge wanderlust. Aspiring horror writer.

Thanks I appreciate it. Sorry that I am kinda all over the place

Ahhh no worries homie! I can get like that too so I feel you, Plus nothing’s bad about being all over the place, Just means you wanna give me the best explanation you can and I wholeheartedly appreciate it! <3 :) ALSOO: You sound like a really cool person to vibe with, So don’t let anyone tell you otherwise bud ;D 

I match you with: Paul!! 

Lucky you! Paul’s a great guy and would absolutely adore you! Head over heels!!

He’s 0.7’’ taller than you, Expect him to fiddle with your hair and MAYBE lean down and steal your glasses. He’ll give you them back, don’t worry. But not without a kiss 👀 ( not that he would force you. It’s just the quickest option )

Enjoys your sassy remarks a lot, Gonna maybe expect a lot thanks to his flirtatious remarks but he enjoys them a lot, they add spice! Your rebuttals are always humorous to him! 

Touch starved? o h that will not do. Paul is gonna give you all the physical affection you could ask for! Probably goes to hold your hand a lot, slink his arm around your shoulder or waist. 

Did I mention this guy is like??? THE BEST FUCKING SNUGGLER?? He’s going to snuggle you for the rest of his unlife so if you don’t suffocate between his chest then uh, Yeah your living the life. 

Out of all the vampires, Paul is the friendliest. So being emotionally guarded or introverted won’t stop him from getting to know you. Do what you want but if Paul loves you, He’s not going anywhere anytime soon, even if you don’t feel the same. He’ll put in the effort because in the end, He knows you're worth getting to know, even if it's just as a friend. He wouldn’t be infatuated if you weren’t.

Your into Paranormal things? You're very lucky to have a vampire boyfriend right? ( Vampires are kinda paranormal right?? I mean they do stupid mind tricks?? Look I don’t know but Paul would probably say that ). He’d probably use this to try and convince you to become a vampire and join him in the wondrous party of the undead. 

He’s not one for comics, let alone books, But if you like it. He’ll try to get into it. He wants to be genuinely engaged in your stuff so he can have a conversation about it with you. He just really struggles with focusing and staying still for prolonged periods of time. 

You and him and the rock box? He’s here for it. Please listen to the rock box with him. He’ll let you pick the song just please listen and dance with him, p l e a s e 

Probably goes through all the bands you enjoy just to find a song you guys can call your song. Then proceed to play that hit 24/7 because he thinks it’s very romantic

Loves all your creative creations. Paintings, Embroideries, They’re all amazing to him. Your so talented and he loves it!!! Gonna try put your creations all over the cave, fuck what the others say, He’s going to flex on how cool and creative you are! 

Though I wouldn’t use him as a model because he probably couldn’t sit still long enough

Please don’t freak him out too bad with your SFX, Especially if it’s gorey. He’s a little drama queen and will probably scream in a mix of fear and confusion.

How the fuck did he not smell the blo- oh its fake!

Then proceeds to ask you if you could do some for him because he wants to freak out the rest of the boys with your talent and basically flex like: HI YEAH, MY STUNNING PARTNER CAN DO THIS LOOKIE. Probably gave the others a heart attack because it’s not everyday a vampire is harmed but as soon as they understand it’s fake. Marko is next on the list of “ please make me look gorey “. You're gonna be getting a lot of practice that week. 

Sadly, Paul is kinda sensitive / a drama queen. He might upset you, and if your anger issues come into it he might get hurt emotionally. He loves you genuinely and when you are angry, He does try his best to calm you down and make sure your okay. But he knows that showing emotion and getting your anger out is important so he encourages you to come talk to him.

He makes stupid jokes at wrong times too, what a coincidence. You two probably upset so many people without meaning too but that’s okay, You never have the ill intent to after all. 

He really enjoys your tomboy style and finds it very flattering to your physique. Farm kid?? That’s awesome! Paul is constantly asking questions about farm stuff because he’s genuinely never been too one and since he can’t really go out during the day, It’s not like he could go visit one. 

You sadly can’t travel with him however for the same reason. Unless you're really careful. Like, it can be done but if you're taking him, you're taking them all. At this point the lost boys are all conjoined at the hip.

Your a horror writer? Well good to see you have all the inspiration you’d need from good ol’ Paul. Need to get some gritty descriptions for a book? Better yet images. Paul would never say any of this regularly but if you want him to talk about it, You came to the right guy. He gives very in depth and fun descriptions of things. Whether they actually help with your book? Eh. However he swells with pride when you ask him because if he can, He wants to help you with everything he can! :)

All in all, he loves you dearly and will do his best to make it known your loved and appreciated. He won’t have anything other than that 

I did a lot of thinking on this one, especially since this is one of the first matchups I’ve written and I hope you like it! If not, let me know why. I tried to go over everything. Remember this is just my opinion. You can date / ship yourself with whoever you want. This is just my opinion! :)

Also don’t mind some stuff about Paul, I just kinda hc him to have undiagnosed Adhd because we act very similar in some regards ,so like, Yeah relatability.

[eldritchsurveys]

834.

How have you been feeling lately? Have you been doing ok? >> Eh. As long as nothing unpredictable happens, I’m mostly fine... but I’ve also had at least two meltdowns in the past week, so “mostly fine” is obviously a cover-up of some sort. I don’t really know what to do about it, so I am kind of just holding my breath through every day, hoping I don’t lose it over something trivial.

Are you currently in quarantine? >> No, the stay-at-home order has been lifted. Still not really going anywhere, though.

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? >> We didn’t this past weekend, which I don’t feel great about, but I ordered a bandana yesterday so I’ll hopefully have it before this coming weekend.

Does your state require people to wear masks in stores? >> Well, they say they require it, but we were definitely not the only people in stores without masks on. So I don’t know what the deal is with that. I think maybe stores are weighing how much it’s worth having to deal with irate customers who can’t stand being turned away for not complying with the mask rule (Michigan is, after all, the state where armed protesters stormed the capitol building to harass the governor for extending the stay-at-home order...). Regardless, now that I will actually have a face covering next time, I’m going to use it.

Do you know anyone who's had the coronavirus? >> No.

What was the last sweet treat you ate? >> I ate part of a lemon coconut cookie.

Was it a nice day out today? >> It’s pretty nice, yeah.

Is the weather nice where you live usually? >> Usually? I wouldn’t say that. Winter lingers around here for a long time, and winter does not usually bring pleasant weather (in my opinion). Also, we get a lot of wacky lake-effect weather.

What was the last thing you ordered online? >> A bandana. It has a Baphomet on it, heh.

Are you expecting a package right now? >> Well, yeah, the bandana. Should be here Thursday or Friday (it’d better be, considering I paid extra for quicker shipping).

Have you ever ordered anything from Wish? If so, what did you buy, and did you feel it was worth it? >> I haven’t, but Sparrow’s ordered stuff from them. I think she likes everything she’s gotten (although she hasn’t gotten everything she’s ordered, which is annoying).

Are you a youtuber? If so, are you consistent with uploads? and how many subscribers do you have? >> I am not, nor would I ever be, a youtuber.

What is one thing you hate about summer? >> Heat waves. I like warmth, but too hot is too hot.

Did you go outside today? >> Not yet.

What is the name of your youtube channel, if you have one? >> ---

What was the name of the last store or restaurant that overcharged you? >> I can’t recall being overcharged anywhere.

Is your room more often messy or clean? >> On the cleaner side than the messier side.

Who is someone you miss? >> ---

What is something you miss? >> ---

Do you feel like your emotions are often haywire? >> I feel like that pretty frequently, yeah. I’m either having no emotions or having a veritable perfect storm of them, and I’d really like to find a fucking balance at some point.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? >> I’ve mostly received misdiagnoses from doctors.

Have you ever been "diagnosed" with a mental illness from an online friend? who is not a doctor? If yes, isn't that frustrating? >> Nah, I’ve not had that experience.

Do you have any friends that you can trust and tell everything to? >> ---

What was the name of your favorite roommate you've had? >> ---

Do you have a favorite book that you've read multiple times? >> Yeah, there are a few books I’ve read multiple times.

What's one book or book series that you've read multiple times? >> I’ve read Dreamcatcher by Stephen King at least twice.

Have you ever had an embarrassing bathroom accident? >> Yeah.

What was the name of the funniest kid you've ever babysat? >> ---

Do you enjoy babysitting? >> Never done it.

Do you have any big regrets? >> No.

Are there things about your past that bother you? >> I mean... I’m post-traumatic, lmao.

What was the last thing you saw or read on social media that made you angry? >> That doesn’t really happen to me.

Do you often post about controversial topics on facebook? >> I don’t post on facebook at all.

Do you think it's a good idea to post about serious topics on social media? or do you think that it's better to discuss serious topics in person? >> I think that a lot of misunderstanding happens on social media that could possibly be avoided or at least worked through with more efficiency in person. I do say possibly, because like, who knows, really. But there are many discussions I wouldn’t bother getting into on social media (especially where other people can see it and jump in with their two cents), that I might be more willing to discuss one-on-one with a person in a controlled environment. Which is why I hate that people don’t use IM/DM functions more often for working through sensitive topics (like “I have a problem with something you said in [x] post and I would like to work it out with you” or whatever), instead of turning it into a public fucking debate.

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? >> Their Eyes Were Watching God.

Have you ever failed a class and had to repeat it? >> No, I got no credit for a class and had to repeat it.

What class in school did you hate the most? >> All of them lmao

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? >> Fuck no.

What's one childhood dream that has stuck with you, and one that has not? >> ---

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? >> FUCK NO.

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? >> I vastly prefer being an adult where I have at least some semblance of agency and control over my own life, instead of being subject to the whims of people who don’t actually care about what I want or need or feel but are mostly thinking about what they want out of me.

At what age were you when you started to feel like you were mature enough to offer others advice? >> I don’t recall having this thought, like, ever. I offer advice when someone’s asked for it and I feel like I have some to offer. I don’t give a fuck what my age is.

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? >> No.

Do you enjoy bonfires? >> Yes.

Have you ever stepped on a sparkler? >> No.

What, do you know of, are you allergic to? >> Nothing.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? >> Yep, front and back.

What is your favorite version of the Bible to read, if applicable? >> I prefer the NIV for just regular reading, but ngl, the KJV has some turns of phrase that can be really poetic-sounding in certain verses.

Do you follow trends? or are you a trendsetter? >> Literally neither. I just do what I want.

Has anyone ever described you as a trendsetter? >> No.

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold? List three people you've known whom this has happened to. >> I don’t know anyone like that, which is good, because that is definitely red-flag behaviour.

What SAT subjects, if any, did you get a perfect score in? >> ---

What were your best subjects in school? and what was your favorite subject in school? >> ---

Have you ever been abused by a parent or legal guardian? >> Yes.

Do you have a lot of wounds from your past? >> Nope. Not a single one.

Has anyone ever called you a jerk? >> Probably.

Are you a jerk? >> Probably.

What color were your bedroom walls in high school? >> I assume they were the Nothing(tm) colour that is standard in apartment complexes.

Is there a girl or guy you wish you hadn't let slip away? >> No.

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? >> No.

Who has hurt you the most? >> Sigh.

Have you been bullied? >> Yes.

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for? and have you auditioned for one? >> I would rather die.

Do you know anyone who's auditioned for American Idol? >> No, but I know someone who auditioned for X Factor, which is largely the same concept.

Is there someone you think should audition that hasn't yet? >> No. I don’t think anyone should audition for those stupid ass shows.

What time of day do you usually feel your best? >> There is no time of day when that’s likely to happen. It depends more on my actual mental state than what time of day it is.

What's one way in which you've changed within the last ten years? >> Oh, you know, stuff.

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? >> To me, it just... passes?

Who do you know who has died of cancer? >> No one.

Has there been cancer in your family? >> I don’t know.

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? >> Yeah. For being suicidal, or for being self-injurious, or because people just plain thought it’d be a fun thing to do to me, I don’t fucking know.

Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? >> No.

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? >> That... would be such a strange response to being angry at someone. For me, anyway. I don’t know, maybe it makes sense to other people. I stick to Old Reliable -- wanting to beat them to a pulp or something.

Have you ever been a victim of racism? >> I mean, probably.

Have you ever deleted a friend on facebook for making racist comments? >> No. Luckily, that’s never happened to me.

What was the last thing you ate? >> Veggie burger and chips.

What was the theme of your senior prom? >> Damned if I remember, that was like 15 years ago.

Did you go to prom? >> Yeah.

Have ever been engaged or married? >> Yeah.

Are you an aunt or uncle? >> Technically.

Do you live to glorify God and to do His will? >> No.

Are you happy with the way you are living your life day-to-day right now? >> I mean, there are worse ways to live. At least I get to decide for myself what I do with my day.

Do you feel like your life was better or worse six years ago? >> It was definitely worse. That’s not even something to question.

Have you ever made a huge, catastrophic mistake? >> I don’t think any of my mistakes qualify for such a dramatic adjective.

What's one need of yours that is currently not being met? >> ---

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? >> Not that kind of suffering, no -- I’ve been in that state, where most of my basic needs were not at all being met, and I’m very grateful to not have to live like that anymore. Unfortunately, living like that for extended periods of time tends to have lasting effects, which is [part of] what I’m dealing with right now.

Do you hate social injustice? >> Nah, I love it. It’s just great. It’s the best thing ever--

Are you happy with the current social class you are in? >> I’m in that strange limbo where I, as an individual, am poverty-class, but since I am part of a household where the other person works a relatively okay job for a living, I get the benefits of being working-class. We’re still low-income by modern urban standards, though. Anyway, I’m fine with that for the most part, but that’s also because I’m used to being literally penniless so anything is better than that.

Do you feel like you are being given what you deserve right now? >> What the fuck do I deserve? What does that even mean? No one owes me anything.

Life isn't fair. True or false? >> I mean, true, I guess.

Do you hate that life is so unfair? >> I don’t really think about life that way. It’s people who have the option to be fair or unfair (and who have the option to perceive of things as fair or unfair); life is just... life.

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. >> I don’t know anyone like that.

Who do you go to when you're upset? >> Can Calah.

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? >> I didn’t pray then and I don’t pray now, so... the same.

Do you pray a lot? >> No.

Do you frequently have back pain? >> No.

What's the worst side effect you've experienced for a medication? and what's the worst withdrawal effect you've experienced from a medicine? >> The last time I recall having side effects to medications is when I was being put on various psychiatric drugs as a teenager, but I don’t really remember any of the specifics except... being exhausted all the time (because I remember falling asleep in classes and being reprimanded for it like I’m doing it on fucking purpose).

Have you ever used an epi pen? >> No.

What's a name that you like but probably wouldn't use for one of your kids? >> ---

What's you name, and do you like it? >> Mordred. Of course I do.

Would you prefer to give your kids common names or unique names? >> ---

Do you feel like anybody values you in the way that you deserve? >> There’s that word deserve again. Anyway, yes, I’m sure someone values me well enough. Probably.

Who have you felt the most valued by? >> I guess Sparrow values me, or we wouldn’t be married. That’s how that works, right?

Have you ever been treated like you were inferior? >> Yes.

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? >> ---

Do you ever sleep outside? >> I’ve slept outside before, yes.

How many siblings do you have? >> ---

Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, or only child? >> I was raised as the only child in the household. I was the youngest of my father’s children.

How many kids do you want to have? >> Zero, ideally.

Do you want to get married? >> It’s already been done.

Best date you've been on? >> ---

Dream date? >> ---

Ever kissed someone on New Year's? >> Yeah.

Have you ever had an experience so good you felt like you were flying? >> Probably.

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? >> Yep.

What brings you the most joy? >> Uh... hmm. Good question. I’ll get back to you on that. Someday.

What is your passion; what is it that would bring you the most joy and fulfillment in life? >> I don’t think I have any passions.

Have you ever laid your dreams aside because someone else wanted you to? >> Well, fortunately for everyone else, I don’t really have any dreams.

Who supports you in everything you do? >> Sparrow is pretty supportive when I bother to do stuff.

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? >> ---

Do you believe in following your heart, in going after your dreams? >> I think that if someone has a dream, then sure, they should try to see it through. But I also think that sometimes it just ain’t worth it. It’s up to the person to make that determination, though, not me. Personally, I don’t really know what it’s like to have a dream, so it’s not like I can relate or anything.

Do you wish other people would want you to be happy? >> I don’t think people want me to suffer or anything. I think that in general, people aren’t really thinking about me at all.

Do you wish you had someone who loved and supported you? >> I do. I wish I had the capacity to feel loved and supported.

[kinktae]

hi babe !!! i’m starting on my journey through the whole bitchin’ series today !!! and i just wanted to say that it really reminds me of that 70’s show (even if i know urs is set in the 80’s lmao) !!! and i want to congratulate u on the job well done !!!

All the bitchin’ asks I didn’t get to answer in time uwu. Spoilers ahead:

prince-jjk said: just read your beyond the story for bitchin’ and i literally cried twice 🥺 especially in the 10yrs later when, for the wedding gift, jk gives y/n the contract they wrote all the way back when they barely knew eachother, that part just made me be like skfkskckskfkd on the inside, that was adorable.

Anonymous said: bitchin is so soft 🥺 it was love at first chapter for me, i loved watching y/n and jk grow throughout the story both together and on their own and i love all the soft lil moments and reading every chapter warmed my heart so damn much 🥺 thank you 💕

Anonymous said: okay so i finally read bitchin’ all in one day and 🥺🥺🥺🥺 they are both idiots i love them sm,, thank u for writing such an incredible story!!💕💗💕💘💗

Anonymous said: MISS ROSE?!?!?!?! BITCHIN' IS BACK AND WITH YOUR BEHIND THE SCENES COMMENTARY?!?! I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED MA'AM!! AND WELCOME BACK QUEEN WE'VE MISSED YOU AND THESE LOVABLE DORKS!!!!💛💓💙💕💜💖💚💞❤💘💗

Anonymous said: I LOVED WHAT YOU POSTED FOR BITCHIN OMGGG i actually LOVE seeing behind the scenes of writing so i really enjoyed reading about the details of bitchin. nOT TO MENTION HOW CUTE THE EPILOGUE WAS PLEASE I DONT THINK ILL EVER GET OVER THEM but overall i really liked it and thank you so so so so so so so much for this

Anonymous said: i swear Yara and Taehyung do be the cutest couple :(

beifong-bitch said: So im new around here and just started reading bitchin and oh god- I KEEP IMAGINING TAES VOICE SOUNDING LIKE THAT ONE SURFER DUDE FROM TOTAL DRAMA.

Anonymous said: beyond the story: bitchin’ got me so emotional like??? i think i can’t live without them:( thank you for this beautiful story🤧 you’re so talented

sapphireprinces5 said: can I just say that the fact you called it Behind The Story as BTS is so genius and the best chef’s kiss of the century. reading this made me tear up like I miss the two so much and to see them happy forever was just 🤧 it was so cool to see how the stories developed and your thoughts as you wrote them. thank you for giving this to us - probably one of the best gifts i’ve ever received as a reader. amazing, you’re amazing

mochiieberry said: JUST READ THE UPDATE FOR BITCHIN AND FINALLY I CAN START MY DAY(ignore the fact it’s 3 am :) ). But honestly after reading BITCHIN I questioned what happened afterwards and thank you for writing the behind the scenes and giving us 10 year update!!

ggukcangetit said: oh my gosh i was missing bitchin' and you posted the most incredible companion piece. also love how its called beyond the story (BTS) so sneaky rose (¬‿¬) you really spoilt us with the connect i am sad and happy so thanks for that. lastly, just wanna appreciate how much effort, hard work, and care you devote to your stories, characters, and readers. since you are a LOT younger than me imma go ahead and say this- uWu rose is the best liddol bean in the world. okay bye.

Anonymous said: I just wanted to say thank you for the extra bitchin' content! It's one of my favorite fics ever (mainly bc I am a woman in stem who takes shit from no man and I hardcore identify with yn) and to see how much you love the fic and genuinely get excited about the little details you slip in to make it more enjoyable for you to write just makes my heart !!! bc i love nothing more than hearing writers talk about their works with pride. love you lots and thank you for always putting out great content!

Anonymous said: Yara refusing to put a label on her relationship after 10 years sends me. For one thing, as an independent woman who is terrified of commitment, I can 100% relate lol. The titles she gives him instead killed me as well. Her outrage at the crustaceans was also so something I’d do. Like “no ma’am my best friend ain’t sign up for this and as far as I’m concerned she’s gonna get exactly what she wants”. Yara is my spirit animal.

Anonymous said: I have a lot of questions. #1- How dare you? Bitch I am sobbing. I love those Bitchin fools and I ain’t ever gonna stop loving them!

lee-u-ne12 said: I may have giggled one too many times during my "beyond the story: bitchin'" reading. Dammit it's just so cute! I found it charming how instead of just giving us an update on the characters you included some commentery on each chapter! Ngl i was rlly sad earlier but this made me smile :)

Anonymous said: I definitely noticed the sock thing and thought it was stupidly cute (like this entire fic tbh) and djjdjdjdjjd I wish I had commented on it when I first read it! I loved the behind the stuff and loved all the reasoning as to why you didn't want y/n to be a 'popular guy gave me confidence' type of character 👏 honestly loved it all thank you!!!!

Anonymous said: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING BITCHIN’!! ITS A WORK OF ART AND SO AMAZING QND I LOVE U SO MUCH MISS ROSE 😭😭😭💕💓💖💕💗💞❣️💖💝

Anonymous said: AHAHJAJAJAJJA THIS MADE ME SOOOOO HAPPY AND I HAVEN’T FELT THIS HAPPY AND SAPPY IN SUCJ A LONG TIMEEE!! i absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE READING THE BACKSTORY AND BEHIND THE SCENES OF WRITING THIS FIC AND THE 10 YEARS LATER AND WEDDING MADE ME SO FUCKING HAPPY AHAHAHJAHA I ALSO LOVE TAE AND YARA SO MUCH AND I LOVE THAT THEYRE SO HAPPY BRO AND LIKE THEY DIDN’T NEED A LABEL LIKE yES PERIODT!UGHUGHYGHI I LOVE YOU SO MCUH MISS ROSE AJHSJS I HAVE SO MUCG LOVE FOR YOUU 😭😭😭💖💓💕

Anonymous said: ROSE YOU SON OF A BITCH I LOVE YOU

cheeky-kookie said: ROSE, I am so happy this is the best birthday present wowza ily thank you bitchin' update I cry

Anonymous said: oh my gosh yara and tae are gonna get married someday and she's still gonna be like what? husband? you meaN my matChing riGg wEareR.

Anonymous said: Just wanted to let you know, I just read BITCHIN' AND IT'S THE BEST STORY I'VE READ IN A WHILE AND NOW ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITES. I would totally read it again in the future . Thank you for writing it and sharing it with us and you're awesome!

Anonymous said: Bitchin' was amazing. I cried. Thank you for writing it 🖤

Anonymous said: I think I've read bitchin like 3 times now but in never fails to put a smile on my face. The 80s slang kills me every time. Just wanted to say it's one of my favourite fics I've ever read :)

Anonymous said: i just finished bitchin’ AND IT WAS SO GOOD i cried at the end when it came full circle about the paper 😭❤️

Anonymous said: Hi I just binge read bitchin I’ve always ran into it but I hesitate Bc I knew it wasn’t completed I’m the worst but,,, ow. Ow. My heart physically melted you developed two characters so well and there’s no way I’m not going to reread again and again because of how good and genuine their relationship was. Uhh that’s it sorry I just wanted to let you know I’ll need money Bc my heart is unfunctional because of how full it is

Anonymous said: i just wanted to tell you that you made me feel so 🥺🥺🥺🥺!!!! with bitchin', that it is one of my favorite stories ever and that it's just so amazing and well written i just- don't stop doing what you're doing please !!!!!

Anonymous said: hi sorry this is random but im a huge fan of your work! i havent checked in with tumblr too much lately but last night i binge read camellia, groovy, and bitchin and oh my goodness i was so enthralled !! you have such a wonderful ability to engage readers with such relatable and dynamic characters! like wowowow i cant wait to read more of your writing! thanks so much for putting in the time and effort you do to create your work, its great and im glad you get to share it with the world! 🌟

Anonymous said: hi so i may or may not have read all of bitchin in one night BUT I LOVED IT AND IM AMAZED BY YOU 🥺♥️

Anonymous said: hiii! bitchin’ has been the best thing i have ever read and im so sad that its over, but im so happy you wrote it! u are an incredible writer❤️❤️❤️

emdancing said: Hi! I’d just like to say I binged bitchin and i absolutely loved it! It just might be my favorite koo fic 💕 your writing is awesome and so are you!!

Anonymous said: i binge read bitchin this weekend and i don’t even like fanfics but kept seeing it get recommended so decided to check it out and i loved it �� jungkook in that fic is so perfect and cute (except for his mess up with kiri) and that note at the end got me emotional 🥺 your story and writing was too too good, i skipped all the smut but still loved it 💗 thank you for sharing one of the most heartwarming and lovely stories i have ever read! 🤧

lowlifeoeuvre said: Hi i just read bitchin and i only have one thing to say about it... A WHOLE MASTERPIECE MAN!! literally almost cried and actually made a very inhuman happy noise at the end. I will for sure be reading anything else you write or have written.

babeewiththepowerr said: I just finished reading Bitchin and now I’m crying 😢 it was soooo pretty and well written 💜

[leggigoesabroad]

we’re only here on borrowed time

Sitting on a lovely, smooth, high-speed train from Nuremberg, Germany to Paris.  Yesterday was a day from hell which I'll lightly get into but not dwell on, but for now, I'm so happy.  I'd be remiss to not mention why!!  Part of the reason I decided to book the train instead of flying from Prague to Paris was for many uninterrupted hours to listen to this new book my doctor recommended for me, called "Stress Less, Accomplish More" but Emily Fletcher.  It obviously sounds like a typical self-help book, but I have a crush on my doctor and she really sold it for me.  (BTW she's no older than like, 32, is married with two kids, super pretty, and totally gets me.  She's very female-centric and one time said 'I'll never let you leave here without a prescription for more birth control, we will never let the system be the reason you're struggling with something' after asking if I had enough for the foreseeable future.  Joke's on her, I'm single AF, but it really spoke to me.)  She said it's a book about meditation and although I've tried meditating before, I am a little bit of a natural skeptic as to allllllllll of its listed benefits.  She said this super simple technique helps you sleep better, greatly reduces anxiety/depression, get sick less often, be more effective at work, eliminate jet lag, on and on.  She said she honestly can't say enough about it and it completely changed her life.  I took this as a way to be more like her and immediately bought it.  Also because I wanted her to like me.  Incidentally, she texted me a few days ago inviting me to a new women's group she's developing for people in my demographic who are going through the same things.  Because like of COURSE she did!! She also tells me to call her Casey instead of by "Doctor" and man I should stop now this is getting weird.

Anyway, this book is by an ex-Broadway performer who noticed she was going grey at age 28 (cough cough I am too) and was sick of all the medications she used to treat these symptoms and wanted to get more at the root.  She talks about how simple this meditation method is - 15 minutes twice a day - and how it is literally the best thing she's ever done for herself in her life.  After her course, she asks people how much money it would take to stop meditating.  They all say something between "500 million dollars" and "no amount of money in the world, because what would be the point without everything else meditation gives me?"  I booked the train so I could set aside several hours to listen to the book, especially on this trip, because we all know from the Thailand blog era that being far away in new countries is often what helps me make decisions in life and really self-reflect.  Yes, I hear how extra that sounds, but I'm fine with it.  I'm only on Chapter 5 and I keep intermittently crying!!  We haven't even gotten to the part where she tells me HOW to meditate!  Just her background on why it works and the entire theory behind it.  The author talks about one case in which a guy with advanced Parkinson's started her sessions and after literally the first one, his tremors disappeared during the entire 15 minutes and for 5 minutes after.  She said when they both opened their eyes he asked if she had noticed, and she said she did, and started crying because it was arguably the most profound moment of her career.  I'm crying typing this.  Ugh.  She doesn't claim that meditation will cure chronic illnesses of course, but rather that it's the best thing one can possibly do to supplement medical instruction and for some ailments, it can indeed end up replacing them.  She said after she started the practice, she didn't get sick again (cold, flu, anything) for EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS!!  Because when the body can use sleep at night to fully rest and not just as a band-aid for stress relief, your immune system can work at its intended level and not allow any of these small things to come into play.  You'd think I'd be getting paid for this post, but alas, I'm only 5 chapters in and get ready for me to be even more insufferable than usual when I get home.

Onward.  Last I left off I was in a cafe with Lizzy in Prague.  We stayed for a few hours and actually got a lot of work done!  Turns out my freelance deadlines don't disappear when I go to Europe, hmm.  We then walked to an area called Petrin, which from afar just looks like a tree-covered hill.  It's actually an uphill path in an expansive park that ultimately overlooks the entire city of Prague.  The more we went up, I kept thinking "we must be at the top by now" and then new buildings and castles and paths and orchards would appear.  It felt like a hidden fairyland with twists and turns and new beautiful sights along the way.  I posted a pic on the gram, but at one point we came to a clearing and there was a picture-perfect snapshot of the entire city through the trees.  With the red roofs and striking architecture I again almost felt like crying.  Also saw a bunch of couples making out in the orchards with no shame all, so that was something.  Good on 'em, ay.  We stopped for a glass of wine at the top (duh) and ended up chatting about work/management styles/feelings about jobs/etc.  Something great about Lizzy is that it turns out for everything I'm interested in, she's in grad school for.  I felt like she was the manifestation of all things fascinating to me.  Kinda like when you meet someone really smart who is able to vocalize all the things you feel about things, but better.  Like Hilary, but not my sister.  Like Jay Wong, but not my boss!  We talked about Kitty and her job search and then got into the concept of finding a job by figuring out what you love and what comes naturally to you, and then seeing how you can get paid for it.  She loved hearing about Kitty and SpotX and the proposal she had to do about team-building and customer engagement, and we chatted all about different marketable skills.  I remember crying to Hil many years ago (Hil if you read this, do you remember??) about how I *thought* I was smart but I hated studying/learning/school and my grades reflected that, and how I've squandered all my potential, I'm actually really dumb, etc.  BTW in retrospect I now see a lot of that as my undiagnosed ADHD and I wish I had understood it earlier to get ahead of it, but it's okay.  Hil at the time told me that she may have great grades and a good job, etc., but that she can't walk into a room and command attention or just become friends with everyone, and that skills come in all shapes and sizes and one isn't better than another.  I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL AGAIN.  Remember when my blogs used to be carefree and funny?  Me either.

After that, Lizzy and I walked all through the grounds of the Prague Castle and wound our way down the hill to the Charles Bridge, and stopped for another drink.  Then we got into a whole discussion about relationships and sexuality.  Later, when we were hanging out with her husband, Rob, I found myself saying over and over: "It's like what Lizzy and I were talking about earlier..." and he was like "how did you guys somehow talk about EVERYTHING today?!"  Females, man.  Eventually she went back to her place to shower and I checked into my Airbnb across the street.  Got SO EXHAUSTED and almost fell dead asleep while waiting for her before dinner, but rallied, and so glad I did.  We took the tram up the hill to a nice restaurant for dinner, then went to an Irish pub to watch the Liverpool/Barcelona game.  No one there remembered the epic call from 2010 World Cup that Ned and I quote all the time, but hey, we do and that's what counts. ("AND YOU COULD NOT WRITE... A STORY LIKE THIS.")  We got there at halftime and were ordering drinks at the bar when a guy sitting at the bar was a real dick and says to me and Lizzy, "just so you know, when the game's on again, you've gotta move.  I sat here on purpose for a good view, so make sure you move." Then turned to his partner and we could clearly hear him saying things like, "Fuckin' ridiculous they're standing right there during the game... I'm not going to let that happen... no fuckin' way" Um, a) it's half time. b) it's a bar and we're at the bar ordering drinks. c) WE KNOW. d) fuck off.  He kept talking about us after we moved and she and I briefly thought about starting shit but you know, foreign country and all that.  Luckily he was cheering for Liverpool and they got stomped in the second half to lose the game and we rejoiced. :)

Went to a weird, dark "Books" bar after that and we were almost the only people there.  There were condoms in the bathroom and I took one as a joke to show Rob and Lizzy, but now it's still in my bag and freaks me out every time I reach for my Chapstick.  We went back to their house afterwards and I kid you not, just watched Harry Styles videos.  Turns out they both love him, especially Rob, which is so rich to me.  He was like "this guy is just like coolness personified and he's so talented and he's weirdly attractive in kind of a feminine way but also masculine and he has such a nice voice and swagger...." you'd think I planted Rob to say this to me, but no.  We watched the entirety of his Carpool Karaoke as I told them all of my favorite parts ("I was back middle." "Why am I always Julia Roberts??" "I cry in like, a cool way.")  It's like when someone says to me, "you know, I'd love to know more about the meanings behind Taylor Swift's songs but I never learned, what are all of the albums about?" And I look around expecting that I'm being Punk'd.  Parted ways with them and thanked them for everything and told them I was very grateful for our summer camp relationship.  You know, the kind that is intensely strong, and very brief.  I may never see them again and yet we spent 15 hours straight together on Wednesday and I had one of the best days ever.  See you in another life, brotha.

A series of hiccups led to a very stressful morning on Thursday that I won't fully get into because my poor family already lived through it with me via WhatsApp... but it started with extreme random nausea, (the kind you have a serious internal talk with yourself about: "no.  you are okay.  take deep, slow breaths.  do not throw up here.  you are completely fine, this will pass.  breathe.  you're not sick.  this is just random.  you cannot throw up here.") and then I got on what was supposed to be a train from Prague to Nuremberg with a stop in Schwandorf, but there was a service interruption on the first leg and everyone knew but me.  Probably because everyone speaks Czech and I, ya know, do not.  BTW so far Czech is the least intuitive language I've ever come across.  I could read an entire book in it and wouldn't be able to give you even the slightest context, like you can with French/Spanish/German.  I know, romance languages and all that, but man I really underestimated how important it is to know some of the language when you're traveling through remote towns.  I notice everyone in Plzen has gotten off the train and I think "well that's weird, but maybe they're all local commuters."  A lady comes by and yells at me to get off, I say, "English?" She says, "NO.  Bus." and shoos me off.  In the panic I forget my suitcase from where I stored it - thank the heavens above, it was still there when I realized 15 minutes later and fought my way back on a closed train.  I have such PTSD today and can't fathom what would have happened if the train had left.  Imagine my suitcase just taking off on a train to the Czech countryside by itself.  Zero percent chance I get that back.  Work computer, my treasured leather jacket from Kathy that I swear I'd save in a fire, all of my toiletries and pills and prescriptions...ugh I can't even think about it.

No one spoke English except for a kind man at the info desk who spoke very little, and gave me directions ("directions" is a loose term here, I did a lot of critical thinking and problem solving to vaguely understand what I was supposed to be doing next) to take a bus in an hour that would take me to Stod, where I could then catch my train to Schwandorf and hopefully ultimately Nuremberg.  After a series of mishaps and incredible uncertainty, eventually all of that happened.  I walked into the hotel in Nuremberg and almost kissed the floor.  I had big plans to wake up early and explore, but alas, I'm embarrassed to admit that all I did in Nuremberg was buy some wine/chocolate/gummy bears and stay in all night and sleep late this morning.  Bodies need rest, y'all.  My audiobook author would tell me that my body is in recovery mode after releasing an unnatural amount of adrenaline and cortisol.  NEVERTHELESS SHE PERSISTED!

I'll be staying with rig friend Angie and her family in Paris, and seeing rig Aaron there too.  He messaged me yesterday and said, "so do you want to see museums and such? Or I can show you my favorite brasseries?" I said, "I've been to Paris, I'd just like to day drink honestly."  Luckily he is on board, shawoooooooo.  Oddly there's no WiFi on this train like they said there would be, but it's not that bad because it's so smooth and comfortable and I still have my audiobook.  Will post this blog sometime later when the WiFi shows up.  Cross your fingers that I get the romantic countryside train ride I pined for.  And happy weekend!!!

[owletstarlet]

ritsu from mp100!!!!

What I think about this character:

For this, I’m just gonna straight-up copy and paste a post I made about Ritsu a couple weeks ago, because it sums up how I feel about him pretty well:

“I really wanna write something about Ritsu, because boy howdy do I remember a thing or two about being 12-13 years old, sitting on my own pile of corrosive and self-sabotaging mental illnesses that I had no idea about, with none of the adults around me suspecting anything was off because I was one of those goddamn gifted-and-talented kids who was a diligent student and nice to people. 15 years later and this is still Quite The Mood for me—”

(Important to note that his issues manifest themselves way differently than mine ever did, with all the anger and spite just bottling up until they exploded outward at everyone and everything. As to my own issues, they manifested a lot more like Serizawa’s did, with a buttload of paralyzing fear and hiding from the world.

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Really only with Shou, but I gotta note that I am a person more than twice Ritsu’s age who teaches junior high schoolers for a living (I see their birthdays in the school computer and marvel at how these lil goblins were all Just Born Two Seconds Ago), I gotta say the concept of romantic shipping for the majority of the mp100 characters is a little weird for me. It’s more important to me that Ritsu has good friends and people supporting him. And Shou is definitely that for Ritsu. He’s the first person to tell him frankly and objectively how much potential he has to become a strong esper, and continues to tell him that, and comes to him for help because of it, and I know that means the world to Ritsu. But more importantly, of course, I think he immediately sees what kind of person Ritsu is without any of his bullshit pretenses he puts on for everyone else, and he genuinely likes him for it. I am all for Shou sending him terrible memes to make him smile if only at how stupid they are, and inviting himself over for video game tournaments and marathoning awful animes and Perfectly Average And Sweet adolescent pastimes that they both really need to engage in for their own sanity and healing.

People I ship non-romantically with this character:

I’m super charmed/amused by the idea of him being friends with Teru. I do think their personalities would grate on each other a bit (a good 80% of that is Ritsu being annoyed with Teru just for Being Himself), but there’s a lot to be said for them being the heart of the support group of People Who Said/Did Horrible Things To Mob And He Forgave Them Immediately Anyhow And They Still Feel Shitty About It. They’re both actively trying to become better people and I kind of want to see them supporting one another in that, even if it’s mostly unspoken. I also wanna see them sparring with each other, to practice/improve/blow off steam. (Also: “I swear to god I’ll reshave your head if you ever try to take my brother clothes shopping again—”)

My unpopular opinion about this character:

I’ve not interacted enough with the fandom to really know what’s unpopular, so it’s shameless headcanon-listing time! Fun ones first:

I think he likes cats, a lot, and the more hateful and standoffish the cat is the more he loves it. He’s probably too self-conscious to go around petting strays all time, but he’d really want to and would probably do it if he was with Mob or Shou.

I think he’s seen Breaking Bad at least five times. *whispers* He is the Danger.

I think the only meme-speak he will deign to use in regular conversation, much to Shou’s delight, is “Then Perish.”

I think he’s actually pretty terrible at board games, especially shogi or chess or something strategy-based, because he’s canonically prone to making crappy snap decisions, and the more he wants to beat the person the worse his game gets. He’s never played Reigen at anything because his dignity would not be able to handle the guaranteed loss.

More Serious Headcanon is that he’s got sensory issues—which is shameless projection of my own neurological disorder onto a character I love but I do not fucking care. The way Sensory Processing Disorder manifests for me is physical pain/serious discomfort and certain touches and sensations (it can be completely arbitrary what sets it off and what doesn’t), pain or tingling around your spine at certain pitches or volumes of sound. Even stupid things like needing a billion blankets on you to sleep so you feel weighted down properly or clothing tags bothering you way too much. And the big one is not being able to maintain physical contact with someone for very long/avoiding it when you can, which people can easily take personally. This would work really well for Ritsu, I think, who probably the least touchy-feely person in the series, and who spends so much time alone. Being sensory-avoiding is isolating in itself, and it’d give a believable extra layer to the things that already make him feel isolated. (Also, the canon fact that he almost never listens to music—headphones can be a bitch sometimes for SPD because if you’re not careful your own music can hurt you because of the pitches in your ears.)

One thing I wish would happen/had happened to this character in canon:

Here, have three:

A proper, cathartic conversation with Mob after the 7th Division arc—in other words, let this child have a good long cry, not just the 5ish seconds/single page of it we got in canon.

Ritsu figuring out something’s seriously wrong after Mob comes home at the end of the Mogami arc. I’m of the mind that Mob probably didn’t ever tell anyone what happened in his six months of Mogami-hell, because he didn’t want to upset anyone or make it their problem, but damn it I wish he had, and I think if Ritsu were to figure out something was up that it’d be when Mob’s going around thanking everyone like he said he would. It may be wishful thinking that either of them would be good enough at communicating with each other for a conversation like that to get off the ground and actually be healing for Mob, but I want them to have fumbled through it and tried.

And finally, I want him to have some actual meaningful bonding time with Reigen. Ritsu may not like Reigen as a person, but you can’t tell me that somebody who’s chosen to make a living out of deceiving people doesn’t know a thing or two about self-loathing, self-sabotage and hopelessness, and how to identify it in others. It’d be a tall order for him to get Ritsu to sit down and listen to him, but it’d it be so goddamn good for him to feel validated by an adult who genuinely understands and wants the best for him.

Anyways, @fmobbu, I’m sorry I’m wordy, but I hope you enjoy anyhow! Thanks for giving me the chance to ramble about the spoon child ;)

[uhhhhhhokay]

My Unpopular Opinions of 2018

This is messy, a bit mean, and full of my mad/irritated feelings. You’ve been warned. No slipping into my asks as an anon to fight with me because I’ve posted this on my account. These are my opinions and I’ve already said that they aren’t that nice to some shows

1) Charmed and Black Lightning are the only good CW shows and it has the best lesbian rep of 2018 (and Rosa from b99 would be the best bisexual rep)

2) Melanie Scrofano/Wynonna Earp is the best part of Wynonna Earp. Honestly lately the rest of the characters for me have either awful or boring or funny but given nothing to do

3) Also even though she’s the main actress, Melanie is somehow the most underrated actress/character in the show. She’s disregarded by so many fans, either in favor of Wayhaught or Doc, and the show treats her like shit by constantly putting her with Doc

4) Descendants fans who pit Dove Cameron and China Anne McClain against each other in the hopes of making the other seem superior are doing absolutely nothing for their careers and are contributing to the unnecessary comparison between successful women

5) Also I don’t care if you don’t like Dove Cameron, but hating her for that Mal/Harry comment she made months ago is so fucking ridiculous. She’s a girl in love who also loves her character, god forbid she make her own headcanons for it, and it wasn’t like she was asking for it to happen (and no she wasn’t disregarding Mal’s current relationship Ben because she was talking about Mal and Harry being exes god damnit) 

6) I can’t believe i have to say this in 2018 BUT STOP WITH THE INCEST STORYLINES! IT AIN’T CREATIVE OR SURPRISING BITCHES JUST GROSS

7) ALSO STOP SHIPPING INCEST GOD PLEASE STOP

8) Timothee Chamalet or whatever his name is, isn’t that great. Like he’s fine I guess but like....Have you seen other actors? I mean, there’s Fady Elsayed, Jack Black, Jordan Renzo, Greg Austin (rip Class), and so many more actors that are, in my opinon, significantly more talented

9) Letterkenny and Galavant are the best comedies out there

10) Riverdale is shit for erasing Jughead’s asexuality and queerbaiting fans at the beginning with Beronica 

11) I’ve said this before, but people disliking Cole Sprouse because of the abuse allegation against him is incredibly valid. 

12) Mike Flanagan, Jordan Peele, and Kate Siegel are the only people I trust to write some bone chilling horror stories 

13) The Haunting of Hill House is better than American Horror Story and The Chilling Adventures of Sabrine combined 

Now it’s time to get serious.....

14) I have no respect and cannot get along with people who talk about how ugly people are 

15) The hellsite is shit for so many reasons but some of its worst qualities are when people take a situation and make it black and white, have zero sympathy or empathy for other people, and twist peoples words and put in meanings that were never there

16) I also hate how how people only care about mental illness when it doesn’t come to their jokes or memes. For example, mental health has been talked about a lot in regards to Ariana Grande, which is good, but once her engagement with Pete Davidson ended, no one hesitated to attack him in almost every way possible even though the man has been very outspoken about his depression. I don’t know shit about Pete Davidson but I’ve seen him relentlessly be attacked and have his depression and suicidal thoughts be joked about. 

17) Stanning is a fucked up culture that we need to leave behind in 2018. There are some celebrities who have a lot of projects that I love and I admire their talent, but the concept of stanning either includes an unhealthy amount of devotion to a celebrity or it erases them as a human being and reduces them down to objects. In some cases, both of these are true. It’s a sick thing for both fans and the celebrities. If a celebrity does something wrong, call them out, and if they don’t listen, well forget it or move on. Cancelling them as if they can be thrown in the garbage and disposed of promotes negativity and hatred, which is doesn’t solve anything, and it can inhibit any growth from that celebrity. They are human and will inevitably fuck up. It’s the only way to learn and grow. 

18) This is about Wynonna Earp but it’s a serious post. I’ve made my thoughts about this show abundantly clear but there is one thing I haven’t talked about at all and that’s the racism in the show and in the fanbase. Disclaimer: I am white. This show hasn’t treated any of their poc or black characters well. The latest example would be the treatment of Dolls and Kate. The last two seasons Doc has had two women of color as his love interests, and both of these characters have been treated as objects to make Wynonna jealous. There is also the lack of story and villainization of these women. There is also the major lack of story with Dolls, which most likely led to Shamier Anderson’s decision to leave. I won’t get into anymore, this is how I’ve always viewed these poor storylines, but I will say this: white fans of Wynonna Earp, we do not get a say on how black viewers should feel about any of these storylines. White lesbians, you would be livid is Waverly or Nicole were killed, and rightfully so. Black people or people of color probably felt the rage you would’ve felt if you lost one of those characters when Dolls was killed off. Telling people to get over it is cruel. If people want to stop watching, that is their right. We have no place in telling them how they should feel about the treatment of their representation. 

19) I made this post a while ago but it holds true: https://uhhhhhhokay.tumblr.com/post/179314393735/shows-with-good-lgbt-rep

20) Everyone needs a break from social media. I know that for some people, it really helps because we have friends on here that we can talk to, but it also has so many negative effects. The real world is nothing like this toxic website. You should take breaks from it every once in a while. You need to get hobbies. You need some other past time than this website. The majority of people on this site aren’t good and everyone should take a breather from it. I take breaks from this site on a regular basis and when I do it feels so fucking good. 

21) Random but The Lodgers is the worst movie ever and it’s an even worse horror movie. Would not recommend. Unless you feel like roasting something for an hour and a half. The only good part about watching that movie was that I watched it with my roommate who I am good friends with and we laughed our asses off and made fun of it so much. It is truly awful. Even though I had a blast roasting it, I will never get that time of my life back. 

22) The Last Jedi does not deserve that 91% on rotten tomatoes. Just like how The Lodgers deserves far less than 56%.

23) Time to get serious again. I get that a lot of us wished that the shows we loved were real, but they aren’t. That’s a fact that everyone needs to realize and accept. To me, hating an actor for their character’s actions is just as fucked up as stanning. They aren’t their character. They are not responsible for the shit their characters pull. They are carrying out the story written for them. As for writers, sometimes the writers do not support their characters actions either. Just because the character is evil or mean or whatever does not always mean that the people who work behind the curtain support that. 

24) Shipping real people and harassing them is sooo inappropriate and messed up. I shouldn’t really have to explain this one but too many people on this site don’t seem to grasp it. I mean, didn’t Harry Styles say a while ago that all the smutty fanfics, tweets, and fanarts about him and his bandmates effect his friendships with him? Him reacting that way is not homophobic, btw. It is him reacting naturally to people fetishizing and sexualizing him and his friends. These are real people. Their relationship, sexuality, and god just so much of their lives is none of our business. They don’t owe us any information about their personal lives. We don’t own them. They are their own people, which also means that they make their own mistakes. 

25) Random again, but original Charmed fans put their show too high of a pedestal. I never got really into show. I tried it, think I watched half of the first season, and I did a little research on it and I was in the fanbase for a hot sec but it was very short. From my research, it seems to me, that for a feminist show, the cast (except Shannon Doherty) was the opposite behind the scenes. I know you can’t help who you don’t like but you can control how you talk about someone, especially to the public, and from what I’ve seen there’s been more negative comments from them about their castmates than positive. I don’t think anyone will know the whole story but to me the feud between the og’s leading ladies has always very catty to me, and it’s gotten even worse with the remake. You can be protective of your show without being rude. You don’t have to support the remake, and you can do that without being rude either. By the way, this is more directed towards Holly Marie Combs, who I believe has been the most outspoken about being against it. Three young actresses are doing the job they love and they were given a chance to be the new charmed ones for a new generation. There is no reason to be so negative about it. It looks even more immature when you see the cast of the original Sabrina who gleefully gave their support to the new cast. 

26) Adults please stop thinking every show is for you. it’s not. Some shows are for kids, some shows are for teenagers, and some shows are for you. If you enjoy the show that’s directed towards a younger audience then that’s great. If you don’t enjoy it, then that’s fine too. What is not fine is you acting like that show was meant for you and tearing it apart and bullying people of that directed age group online. I can’t believe the amount of times I’ve seen some 19-40 year old dipshit on the internet go and bully a 15 year old only because they said they loved a show. That is not only sick and immature but it’s uncalled for. 

27) Also 15 year olds or younger, do not use your age as an excuse to be mean either. You might be young and you will definitely make huge mistakes, but there’s is nothing to justify you telling someone to kill themselves or insulting them just because they don’t like your favorite character or something. You might not be as experienced as some adults, but you’re old enough to know what the fuck you’re doing and how wrong it is. Don’t be cruel and blame it on you being young and stupid. You maybe young and all of us will always be a bit stupid, but that does not excuse your behavior. And @ older people who do that shit too, your older age and power does not excuse your cruelty either. Nothing excuses telling someone to kill themselves. Ever. Especially if it’s over a goddamn tv show. 

28) Can Ryan Murphy please just make one tv show and stick with it until it ends? He has so many great concepts but because he wants to do all of them at once they all go downhill after one season. 

29) On the same but different note, fuck Ryan Murphy for having Violet and Tate get back together. My girl deserves better than a serial killer/rapist that also got her mom killed because he impregnated her with the anti christ. Fuck that.

I never intended this to be so long lol no one will read this

30) The Hormone Monster is literally a metaphor for hormones. Stop twisting it into pedophilia. That show is so sex positive and is so much better than most of the sex ed that we got. 

31) Let’s leave monster fucking behind please

32) Puzzles are a treat to do

33) Funko pops are cute but they make a lot of dumbass decisions regarding which ones to make (like I saw pops of that new nutcracker movie a while before it was released like maybe wait and see how it does first????)

34) Also lets stop thinking of ships/shows as a way to up yourself as more progressive or whatever. We all have our trash shows and ships, stop acting like a saint. Just because someone has a trash ship, does not mean they are lesser than you. 

35) Fanbases are usually always trash. This didn’t change at all in 2018. 

36) Class’s first season was significantly better than Torchwoods first season. You guys are just mean. 

37) While I adore Class, Patrick Ness’s dialogue was really YIKES sometimes (the Charlie April deleted scene nearly killed me). Overall it was good though because it was the closest depiction of how teens speak.

38) Also any teen drama show that has a teen speak seriously in a hashtag should burn in hell (if a hashtag is used in dialogue as joke then it’s fine because it’s funny)

39) An actor being on a show you don’t like does not warrant hate

40) It’s been two years since Class but still, fuck the dw fans who were/are so mean to the class actors, especially Vivian Oparah and Sophie Hopkins. 

I think that’s it.

[allow-me-to-speak]

Why Mr. Darcy Is Such a Well-Rounded Character

So I texted my friend an entire essay this morning on Why Mr. Darcy is the Best Character Ever, and I figured I would write it down here, too. Buckle in, friends, I have nothing to do today and I know Pride and Prejudice way too well.

People who don’t know Pride and Prejudice well think that Mr. Darcy is literally the classic example of Tall, Dark, and Brooding, but that’s not really the case. He’s actually a really well-rounded character. He does have the right traits to be tall, dark, and brooding, yes, but those aren’t the only, or even most important, parts of his character. He’s also a hopeless romantic, completely shy, an utter dork, and an arrogant asshole all in one - and the best part is, all of these traits play a critical role in how he’s perceived both in the book and by the audience. He’s got layers to his personality that blend seamlessly into a whole person, and it’s just so well done.

EVIDENCE

Hopeless Romantic:

As soon as he declares that Elizabeth is “tolerable, I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt me”, he almost immediately takes that back. Not only does he spend the entire rest of the book admiring her, he openly admits it to Caroline, and spends the rest of the book taking flack for his sappy commentary. And every time, he essentially goes “Well, her eyes are pretty, so fuck off.”

But no sooner had he made it clear to himself and his friends that she had hardly a good feature in her face, than he began to find it was rendered uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. To this discovery succeeded some others equally mortifying...

“My mind was more agreeably engaged. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow.”

“I am afraid, Mr. Darcy,” observed Miss Bingley, in a half whisper, “that this adventure has rather affected your admiration of her fine eyes.” “Not at all,” he replied; “they were brightened by the exercise.”

[Mr. Darcy], however, could not be prevailed on to join in their censure of [Elizabeth], in spite of all Miss Bingley’s witticisms on fine eyes.

“...I believe you thought her rather pretty at one time.” “Yes,” replied Darcy, who could contain himself no longer, “but that was only when I first knew her, for it is many months since I have considered her as one of the handsomest women of my acquaintance.”

He saves her sister from total disgrace on his own, and forbids anybody involved from telling Lizzy that he did this (at great personal cost). Entirely did it to save Lizzy of a broken heart and tainted reputation by association. Biggest Romantic Gesture Ever, and he never wanted her to know that he did it.

“He was to come there with Wickham, you know. But gracious me! I quite forgot! I ought not to have said a word about it! I promised them so faithfully! What will Wickham say? It was to be such a secret!”

“...you may rest perfectly assured, that your uncle would never have yielded, if we had not given him credit for another interest in the affair.”

“I thought him very sly;- he hardly ever mentioned your name.”

“I am sorry, exceedingly sorry,” replied Darcy, in a tone of surprise and emotion, “that you have ever been informed of what may, in a mistaken light, have given you uneasiness. I did not think Mrs. Gardiner was so little to be trusted.”

“If you will thank me,” he replied, “let it be for yourself alone. That the wish of giving happiness to you, might add force to the other inducements which led me on, I shall not attempt to deny. But your family owe me nothing. Much as I respect them, I believe, I thought only of you.”

Completely Shy:

He’s completely incapable of talking to strangers, and instead appears aloof and distant because he just doesn’t know how to hold a conversation.

“Perhaps,” said Darcy, “I should have judged better, had I sought an introduction, but I am ill qualified to recommend myself to strangers.”

“I certainly have not the talent which some people possess,” said Darcy, “of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.”

Stutters when nervous, and asked Elizabeth the same question like four times in a single conversation.

Nor did he seem much more at ease; when he spoke, his accent had none of its usual sedateness; and he repeated his inquiries as to the time of her having left Longbourn, and of her stay in Derbyshire, so often, and in so hurried a way, as plainly spoke of the distraction of his thoughts. At length, every idea seemed to fail him; and, after standing a few moments without saying a word, he suddenly recollected himself, and took leave.

Utter Dork:

He came back to Longbourn to win Elizabeth over and instead spent the entire time staring into space and talking to nobody because he was literally too overcome with how much he loved her.

Darcy...said scarcely any thing. ...Now several minutes elapsed, without bringing the sound of his voice; and when occasionally, unable to resist the impulse of curiosity, she raised her eyes to his face, she as often found him looking at Jane, as at herself, and frequently on no object but the ground. More thoughtfulness, and less anxiety to please than when they last met, were plainly expressed.

“What made you so shy of me, when you first called, and afterwards dined here? Why, especially, did you look as if you did not care about me?” “Because you were grave and silent, and gave me no encouragement.” “But I was embarrassed.” “So was I.” “You might have talked to me more when you came to dinner.” “A man who had felt less, might.”

Invited her uncle to go fishing as a way of proving that he had changed since April and was not inclined to immediately abuse all her relations.

The conversation soon turned upon fishing, and she heard Mr. Darcy invite him, with the greatest civility, to fish there as often as he chose, while he continued in the neighbourhood... Elizabeth said nothing, but it gratified her exceedingly; the compliment must be all for herself. Her astonishment, however, was extreme; and continually was she repeating, “Why is he so altered? From what can it proceed? It cannot be for me, it cannot be for my sake...”

Asked to introduce his little sister to her as soon as he thought he might be in her good graces again.

“Will you allow me, or do I ask too much, to introduce my sister to your acquaintance during your stay at Lambton?” The surprise of such an application was great indeed; it was too great for her to know in what manner the acceded to it. She immediately felt that whatever desire Miss Darcy might have of being acquainted with her, must be the work of her brother...

Arrogant Asshole:

Mocks people behind their backs.

“At such an assembly as this, [dancing] would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room, whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with.”

“I particularly recollect your saying one night, after they had been dining at Netherfield, ‘She a beauty!- I should as soon call her mother a wit!’”

Separated Bingley and Jane because he looked at them over the course of a single evening and decided that, clearly, Jane doesn’t love Bingley back, despite not knowing her At All.

“From that moment on I observed my friend’s behaviour attentively; and I could then perceive that his partiality for Miss Bennet was beyond what I had ever witnessed in him. Your sister I also watched.-Her look and manners were open, cheerful and engaging as ever, but without any symptom of peculiar regard, and I remained convinced from the evening’s scrutiny, that though she received his attentions with pleasure, she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment.-If you have not been mistaken here, I must have been in error. Your superior knowledge of your sister must make the latter probable.”

Asked Lizzy to marry him in the same breath as insulting every member of her immediate family.

He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority - of its being a degradation - of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit.

Didn’t apologize for separating Bingley and Jane, even when confronted.

With assumed tranquility he then replied, “I have no wish of denying that I did every thing in my power to separate my friend from your sister, or that I rejoice in my success.”

And you know why this is so great? Because whenever, he’s shy, arrogant, or overcome with emotion, he acts the same way - by being silent and not talking to people. So everybody gets this vibe from him at the beginning that he’s just an arrogant ass who thinks he’s better than everyone. But as you get to know him, you realize there are layers to his silence. Maybe he is being an ass, but maybe he’s being shy! Or nervous! Or emotional! So he’s great because he’s only Tall, Dark, and Brooding to anybody who didn’t pay attention past surface level, which is one of the most important themes of the book.

The part that makes this so well written is that they all directly contribute to the First Impression (ha) he gives off. It’s not some “badass gets caught in secret feeding stray cats” development, where you’re not going to know this about him unless you catch him at the right moment. It’s all there for you to see, if you’re willing to look past the surface level - and your own prejudices - and see it.

[mangled-dreams]

Septic egos go out to dinner, and some guy gets angry because Jameson doesnt talk, and he slaps the mute ego. How does that work out for the guy, seeing as he just slapped the youngest ego in front of all the other egos (and maybe Sean too)

OKAY! So I did a lot of internet looking for the right kind of words to use and how to use them, so please, if you’re Irish or know a lot about how the Irish speak, please call me out and correct me about the phrases and word choices. I tried to have more of a true Irish feel to the story as far as dialog goes there is a bit of British in there too, so if it seems wrong with that let me know. I will update the dialog as needed. But there you are:

Mute

Gettingthe “family” together always proves to be difficult. Withdifferent work schedules, butting heads, and indecisiveness it's astruggle to get everyone to agree on something. Nevertheless Sean andhis egos try to get together at least twice a month for a few scoopsat the pub.

Tonightis one of those nights. Robbie, Jacequet, and Jackieboy are out ofcity—unable to attend in person but send their regards.

“Cheers!”voices raise as pint glasses clank together in joy.

“Solads, how's yer day?” Sean asks downing his pint within a fewminutes. The group falls into conversations and laughter sharingevents that have passed and to come and sharing spirits.

Antiactually joins in on the conversations, smiling and toasting his“brothers” as they talk. It's really the only time anyone see thetrue Anti in public. May are put off by the carefree appearance hegives off.

“Morescoops!” Marvin cheers loudly at a barmaid that passed by. Shegauges the table, nods and walks away. He looks around the table,happy to see his “brother” look so happy and carefree for oncesince their last outing.

Thinghave been busy and overly so. Marvin has been booked out for monthsnow. Shows almost every night for the next three months. Jameson hasbeen the greatest of help with both behind the scenes and on stage.Then Anti and Sean are on tour together, much to Anti's“displeasure”. Everyone knows he'd rather keep his joy at meetinghis fans and being able talk so candidly with people. Chase has beendoing pod casts and going to extreme sporting events as a guest staror as a competitor. Henrik has his clinic with Dr. Iplier in Americaand rarely comes over because of his shifts.

Jacquetis in the middle of getting pieces ready for an art gallery event ina few months, so he's bee cooped up in his studio drawing andpainting and cursing. Robbie generally just wonders around with oneof the egos mainly Jackieboy just in case he gets unruly, but that'srare. He has to have gotten really railed up to cause a disturbance.

“Whereis your tour headin' to now?” Chase asks looking to Anti and Seanrespectively.

Seansmiles. “We're gonna hit the west coast in America. We're going tohang out and have a laugh with Mark and Dark.” Sean answerscheerfully. The other nod, glancing at the dark look on Anti's faceat Dark's mention. It's not that the two hate each other, they justhave “creative” differences.

Turninghis gaze elsewhere Anti people watched as his alter selves continueto talk about the tour and up coming conventions in the UK andAmerica. He's looking for the troublesome character to keep away fromhis younger siblings. He knows each one—with the exception ofJameson, are fully capable of defending themselves, but he'd ratherjust avoid any kind of confrontation.

Takingnotice of a large male with a tight t-shirt on at the billiardtables, Anti makes a mental note to keep and eye on him. The guy isyelling at a poor barmaid about the drink in his hand, but even if hewasn't Anti can see the darkness in the man's soul. It's a talent herarely speaks about but uses on a daily basis to keep his familysafe.

Chasesmiles at Jameson, laughing at the joke the youngest member had justtold. A little on the racy side Chase just knows he learned it fromsome of the other stage hands. “You hear this boyo?” He laughs.

Theothers join in on the merriment. Henrik burps, his hand covering hismouth as he quickly apologizes for the action. The others get a goodchuckle. Out of everyone Henrik is the easiest to get langered.Jackieboy would be a close second followed by Jameson, Chase, andMarvin. Lastly Sean, Anti, and Jacques. Robbie doesn't drink and evenif he does it does nothing for him being dead and all.

Jameson'sshoulders bounce with his silent laughter. He do so enjoy his timewith his older selves. He likes seeing everyone look so happy andlaid back, especially Marvin and Sean. It's been non stop for thepair with small glimmering speckles of days off. Standing up Jamesonexcuses himself to the restroom. Chase offers to walk him over incase someone tries to talk with him but Jameson declines polietly.

Forall their hovering he knows he can go to the bathroom withouttrouble. Not to mention he wants to prove he can do a few things onhis own. Because of his age in comparison with the others, they arevery protective and strict on him. He knows that his older siblingslove him. Pushing in his chair Jameson disappears into the crowd tothe bathroom.

Antikeeps and eye out but resumes engaging the conversation. Minutes tickby and no one worries about the youngest Septiceye (McLoughlin)family. The pub is busy but small and mainly filled with local thatknow the brothers fairly well.

Itisn't until the ten minute mark that Anti notices something abnormal.“Oi, what's goin' on there now?” Anti asks noticing a gatheringof people around the thick chested man from earlier.

“What?Nothing to say, eh? The fuck you thinkin' mate? Fucking apologize yatwat.” Anti hears the now obviously drunk Englishman say to someoneAnti can't see, but he has a bad feeling.

“Lads,I think James is in trouble.” Anti says shooing Sean out of hisway. The others stand up and head over to the crowd.

Upontheir arrival to the gathering the local part ways with looks ofguilt written on their faces. The egos give each other confused looksuntil they make it through. Muscling their way through the last fewpeople much to the people's displeasure they're shocked at the scenebefore them.

“Youtell 'im Rob!” Someone to the Englishman's left says sneering at avery unsure Jameson.

“Well?”Rob snaps not catching on that Jameson is a mute. Jameson tries toshow with his hands that he didn't mean to bump into the brute butit's not enough. “Ya fuckin' quiet tosser, fuck off.” Rob snapsback handing Jameson across the face. The force of the blow sendsJameson clamoring backwards.

Chaseshoots out from the crowd as first to react. No one touches hisbrother. With a wicked right hook Chase sends the man to the groundas the others gather to back him up and to get Jameson off the floor.

“James!Shite, how to do you feel?” Henrik asks his Irish upbringingslipping out over his German accent. He looks Jameson over,instructing him to follow his finger to test his neurologicalresponse.

Jamesontakes a few moments to respond but tells Henrik and the others whathappened. Someone had shoved him in favor of leaving his sick in thebathroom rather than on the floor. When the person shoved Jameson hebumped into the man and quickly tried to apologizes but couldn't saythe words out loud and the man got angry, demanding that he apologizeand buy him another round of pints.

Antistands next to Chase glaring at the man—Rob before reacting toprotect Chase from the friend that egged on the ill set man on thefloor. Switching space with Chase, Anti catches the punch and throwsthe man back watching him knock into the wall.

“JaysusChrist. Who the fuck taught you manners? A heathen?” Sean askshelping support James to his feet.

Robrubs his cheek as he stand to his full height, glaring down at Chasewith murderous intent. Anti steps in front of Chase again. “Touchanother one of me brothers and I'll bust your dial, mate.” Antiwarns glitching ever so slightly to intimidate the man before him. Itworks for the most part, but Anti can tell it's all the attentionthey're getting that's keeping the thick fuck from backing down.

Jamesonlooks at Anti with a little bit of concern. He asks Anti not to killthe man but at this point, if Anti is glitching Jameson knows its notvery promising.

“Whothe fuck you think you are? Eh? Yer fucking brother knocked into me.The little shit couldn't even say sorry for spilling my pint.” Robsnarls back getting closer to Anti.

“Thefuck he did. He told us what happened ya gobshite. 'e's a mute. Can'ttalk.” Marvin challenges earning the giants heated glare.

“What'dyou call me ya chav?” Rob sneers.

“What'dyou call 'im?” Chase asks ready to throw a hook. Rob's shakenfriend stands up and stands at the ready next to him, a littlehesitant about going rounds with Anti.

“Chav,ya gotta problem, mate?”Rob challenges attempting to loom over Chase.

“Anti,don't—“ Sean doesn't get a chance to call Anti off the attack.

TakingRob by surprise Anti catches his with an upper jab with enough forceto knock the man off his feet and halfway across the hall. To keepfrom killing the man with one blow Anti held back. He knows Seanisn't happy with what just happened, but it'd be worse if the guydied too. Rob's friend stares in utter shock at the power Anti'sslimmer frame put out.

“Onyer bike then, if ya know what's good fer ya.” Anti snarls ready totake the man's head off. It only takes a few seconds after Antisnarls for the man to run off leaving Rob laying unconscious hangingoff the billiard table.

Jamesonsits in awe of his older brother. He wants to be that strong. Lookingat Henrik he can see the admiration in his eyes. In fact all theother egos and even Sean look at Anti with a sense of pride. Jamesonis helped to his feet and tells them he's ready to go home. His headhurts but so does his cheek. For as strong as the guy would beagainst a regular person, Jameson was more thrown off his balancethan physically hurt. The fall had been more painful than the actualslap.

Antinods, walking through the crowd that quickly parts out of his waycameras following his movements. He gathers their things tosses a fewnotes on the table to completely cover their tab and then some andwalks over to everyone dispensing the jackets.

“Le'sget ya home, Jay.” Sean says clasping his arm around Jameson'sshoulders in case he needs help walking. Jameson nods and thanks hisbrothers for being there for him.

Antijust nods.

Everyonegathers in the large white van and heads back to the house. Slowlythe merriment returns to the egos as they reach their destination.Between Chase and Sean there is plenty of spirits to drink when theyget home.

PullingAnti aside Jameson asks him to teach him how to fight. Anti chuckles,ruffling Jameson's teal hair. “If ya wanna learn I got ya. Littlesteps ya?” Jameson nods his head thanking Anti for agreeing to helphim before joining the others for a few shots.

[protecteugeneporter]

Incomparable {Christmas Fic} || Eugene x Reader

Summary: It’s Christmas time in Alexandria and the reader has managed to pull of a HUGE surprise gift for Eugene. He might just end up upstaging her though. FLUFF. JUST A LOT OF CHRISTMAS FLUFF. Also the reader in this is apparently Southern AF given her vernacular. That’s just the way it came out idk.

(Eugene making notes, it’s relevant. Thanks to joshmcdermittfans for the gif, posted through gif search hope that’s ok just hmu if it isn’t uwu) 

It took an apocalypse for you to really enjoy Christmas. That probably says something unfavorable about you...or maybe not. Maybe it means only that Christmas used to be a hectic time of year that stole everyone’s freewill and money and now, due to obviously very unfortunate circumstances, it’s become something more...human. It was awkward at first, attempting Christmas in this new world, in the wake of all the death and grief and fear, but being in the bosom of somewhere as safe and comfortable as Alexandria made it hard not to. 

Now, there are odd little traditions everyone follows that somewhat mimic how things were before. Some people have synthetic trees that were left behind in attics, but some make them out of their creativity and whatever is available; bottles or books stacked in a tree formation, tinsel stapled on to the walls, and so on. 

Gifts are no longer measured by material wealth but rather meaningfulness, usefulness. People gift others as they think will best suit them or make them happiest; a pocket knife, some bullets, maybe something handmade that means all the more for being so. Then there’s usually a meal at some point, a potluck, usually, that combines everyone’s talents and whatever they could scrape together, and then everyone gets drunk around the bonfire. Usually on Abraham’s homebrew. 

The world as a whole might be a fucking mess, but Christmas is something that can be enjoyed and savored now in a way it wasn’t before. It’s more authentic, more honest, less fake and forced. You’re not sure Eugene sees things this way, however. He’s participated the past couple of years without complaint or any noticeable hesitation, but as for whether or not he gets and enjoys the spirit of things the same way you do is a little bit hard to decipher.

You don’t badger him about it though. Having the person you love with you is all that really matters. What’s more, you’ve found him an amazing gift this year that you think might just turn him on to Christmas that much more. It was a helluva thing to keep hidden over the months of having it built, especially from someone as observant and quick as Eugene, but between yourself and friends, you all managed. Somehow. 

That, or Eugene was just being really gracious about pretending to be unawares. 

“I hope you didn’t think I’d forgotten you,” you say teasingly as you hold his hand and walk through the snow laden streets of Alexandria from the annual gift-exchange and potluck. “Your gift just...couldn’t have been transported, so I have to take you to it.” 

“Gracious of you, but also wholly unnecessary. I meant it when I said I don’t care for the holiday and I certainly don’t expect tribute paid.” 

You laugh. His way with words charmingly reflects his roundabout way of understanding things. 

“It’s not a paid tribute. We gift each other things to make each other happy. That’s it.” 

“Yes, that’s what I meant-”

“Oh, forget it, Eugene! I got you something and that’s all there is to it. It’s done.” 

You throw your hands over his eyes as you guide him into the empty building on 5th and Main (albeit somewhat awkwardly, he’s tall of course and it’s hard to reach that high up even on your tiptoes). 

“Okay, I’m gonna turn on the light. Keep your eyes closed! No peeking!” 

It’s very clear Eugene doesn’t get the appeal of this at all, but he’s keen to humor you and obediently does as he’s asked, keeping his eyes closed and drawn to the floor. 

“Alright, open them!!” 

You’re practically dancing in place to see his reaction- which, at the moment, can only be described as stunned disbelief. 

“I ask only because I can hardly believe what I’m clearly seeing right now- is this a fully functional research lab?” 

“Yes!!” you all but squeal. “I went entirely off the notes you’ve made about a potential research facility here, schmoozed a bit with Deanna, went on several hundred scavenging runs to various hospitals and labs in the area and-”

Eugene’s already gravitated to the pièce de résistance in the middle of the room.

“This is a genuine electron microscope...” he says in something of a daze, as he runs his fingers across its framework. 

“Yes! At least...I’m pretty sure. It was a bitch getting here, especially under your nose, not to mention setting it back up. Hopefully we did alright? I’m sure if there are any issues you can see to them-”

Eugene’s turned around to look at you now, confused, and you’re a bit put off that he isn’t as elated as you thought he might be.

“Well, it’s just-...you’ve talked about wanting to research the virus more,” You’re scrambling for an explanation because you can’t figure out why this hasn’t made him happy. “You’ve argued, rightfully so, that we should have a lab and research facility here...granted, it’s a bit of a humble start but everyone has to start somewhere, right?”

“You did all this...for me?” 

“Well...the good of the future of the community aside...yes. Selfishly, I admit, I did it to make you happy.”

Eugene’s looking down at the floor now, seemingly in an attempt to fight tears.

“No one’s ever-...” You can tell from the breaking in his voice that’s definitely what he’s doing. “Never. Nothing like this.” 

You sidle over and take him into your arms, which he accepts gratefully. You understand now these aren’t angry or even remotely unhappy tears, but that of someone so overwhelmed by this gesture that he doesn’t know what to do.

“I love you,” you assure him. “And you deserve to be happy. That’s all there is to it.”

“As do you,” he replies, pulling away slightly, enough to tilt your chin up to look at him. “And I don’t know how good of a job I do at keeping you content, but I’ll be damned if I don’t keep trying. I’d like to do so for whatever remains of our lives here.”

You smile up at him, though curiously as you feel he’s verging on something deeper than just the sentiment. 

“For full disclosure, this isn’t as remarkable, nor did it take nearly as much time and manpower to procure, but I hope the promise behind it provides something of a fitting reply to this gift that can’t ever be repaid.”

He’s reached into his inner shirt pocket for something and now he’s-...oh god, he’s getting on one knee and taking your hand into his own. You think you might hyperventilate. 

“Eugene...you had best be fixing to propose or I’m going to have to ask you to get right back up to standing this very minute, because I’m about to have a come apart-” 

“Well, I was, before you snatched the words straight out of my mouth-”

You gasp and throw a hand over your mouth in shame. “I’m sorry! I just had to be sure!!” 

“You’ve had your moment with this incomparable, life-altering gift. Kindly let me have mine, however small in comparison.”

You know its his stoic way of teasing, the closest Eugene will ever get to such a thing. Besides, he’s right. So, you shut up and wait impatiently for him to do the thing that you already have an answer to.

“I...had a speech, but all things considered, I think I’d be better off cutting to the chase. It comes down to this; will you be my wife?” 

Now you’re crying, and quite rightly so. 

“Yes. Of course. In a thousand lifetimes and timelines, yes. And only because I can tell you welded that ring long before you knew about this lab.”

“I would’ve done it a lot earlier, had I been certain you would’ve had me. I knew long before.”

You kiss him hard and long under the bright florescents of the research facility, with only the various flasks, beakers and microscopes as witness to your new engagement. Anything else would’ve been ill-fitting. 

[mrsjeontobe]

Family Riches || 01

A/N: Here is another series I’ll be updating along with Away We Happened for the summer also tagging @bluekyun because she knows about doctor!tae ;)

Summary: Born into a family full of doctors, you followed the dream in spite of having a different goal. One day, you are told to be engaged to Kim Seokjin but is it worth the time, money and emotions to be with him when you were once engaged to him three years ago? 

 Pairing: Seokjin x reader + (other pairings to be revealed) 

 Genre: Doctor AU/Angst/Drama

Word Count: 2,287

“You’ll be marrying Kim Seokjin.”

Five words you never wanted to hear in your life. Especially with the word marry and his name who shall not be said incorporated into the same sentence sounded absurd. Your stomach dropped and you immediately fell ill, there was no way in hell you were to marry or be engaged to him. This was all an arrangement by your father. His last wish was to see his daughter be happily married with a man who could help out with the family business. Especially a man who was also an heir to a well known hospital meaning that it would help with yours become much more stable than before.

Before you could even form words, your father had added another gist of sentences as if he knew that you would rebel against this request of his. “You have no say in this, y/n. You are to remain silent and nod agreeingly. You are the only heiress to this hospital.”

But, being the aggressive and rebellious woman you are, you rejected his request. “Dad, there is no way I’m going to marry Seokjin. There’s no chance for him with me anyway. You of all people should know this!”

“Honey, I’m doing this for—”

“Don’t you dare say that you’re doing this for me. It benefits this hospital, not my life or myself as a person. You know how I feel about this and about him.” Your face was formed in an expression that held disgust. Your past with Kim Seokjin was not one to remember and yet you remember it as clear as crystal. You hated the fact that your father wanted you stay put and silent, for crying out loud you were twenty-seven and if that didn’t say much then you didn’t know what to do.

Always forced into many things you’ve never wanted to do because your father thought it was the best for you. He was proven wrong because as you grew up, you became more rebellious and did more of what you wanted. Disobeying the rules meant you were against your father, but as you entered college, everything became different. You followed in his footsteps and became a neurosurgeon, it’d be a waste for you to not go to medical school although you were talented in almost everything, becoming a surgeon was the best option because it meant money and it meant security in your life. Everything was always about money no matter what because it’s what corrupts the mind. It blinds people from what their true goal was; happiness.

Your hands were by your side as you suddenly had them turn into fists while you bit your lip to refrain from saying anything else that would be unnecessary. Words of venom were surely to have left your mouth if you didn’t keep them shut. Tears were ready to fall from the inner corner of your eyes as your thoughts began to swirl. This was not your happiness as you were basically living in the shadows of your father.

“If mom were alive, it wouldn’t be like this,” you blurted out as a silence followed the sentence. Your footsteps could easily be heard as there was a sign that you had left the room; the door was slammed shut. The tears fell. Your sight blinded by them as you could no longer see anything as your vision was blurred. “Fuck,” you muttered out as your hands began to wipe away the tears. You suddenly felt an impact as you backed up a few steps realizing that you had just bumped into someone’s chest. You immediately bow in a ninety-degree angle apologizing over and over. When you retract from the bow, your eyes immediately meet with the strangers. A familiar mop of of blondish-brown hair appears before you along with a smile that has always been contagious.

Taehyung.

His smile faltered once his sight appeared on you but a look of worry then washed over his face. “Y/n,” he said your name so easily as his voice echoed throughout the hallway. He began to reach out towards you only to hesitate. His arm then stayed by his side as he couldn’t do anything because you already flew past him quickly. He was struck with awe as he didn’t know what was going on. To him it was a regular day until whatever had just happened. He stood there for a few seconds thinking whether he should just cancel his meeting or catch up to you and obviously he chose the latter. He quickly turned around and began to chase after you, “Y/n, wait up!”

You heard his voice echo through the hallway as his footsteps could be heard loud and clear. You still ignored the fact that the man went through his way to chase after you and still went on. But, it wasn’t until he finally caught up and brought a hand up to grasp onto your shoulder. You stopped in place very abruptly as you cursed yourself and Taehyung’s long legs. Wiping away the leftover tears very obviously as you faced him while faking a smile. But Taehyung wasn’t dumb and could tell that you were crying due to the fact that your cheeks were rosy along with a few tear stains on your face. He gulped as he hesitated to ask, “What happened?”

A sigh left your lips as you said, “Nothing. It isn’t any of your business, Taehyung.” You brushed him off not wanting him to be a part of the mess that has already happened. You didn’t want anything to blow out of proportion even though you knew that Taehyung would somehow bring himself into the chaos. It would be better for him to stay out of it for now. “Look, I gotta go—”

“No, y/n. You’re not going anywhere until I get an explanation,” he interrupted you with a voice filled with concern. This wasn’t just anyone he was talking to, it was you. He obviously held onto some feelings as he could never detach himself from you. Although you shared a friendship since high school, there was much more to that. He truly cared for you unlike those in the hospital who only thought of you as their gateway to success. “Y/n, we’ve known each other for years. The least I could do is listen.”

You gave him a quick glance as you then had your eyes shut while your thumb and index finger came up to pinch the bridge of your nose, “Fine.”

—

Sitting across from each other in the hospital’s cafeteria was the only place that you two could comfortably talk. Plus the part where the both of you were on duty and an emergency could easily pop up out of nowhere, this was your only choice. You began to fidget in your place as the thoughts began to take over your mind. You didn’t want to really think about what has been said and done from today’s argument.

An awkward silence was placed among the both of you until Taehyung cleared his throat, “So, tell me what happened. You know I won’t judge.”

You gave out a small gulp and cursed yourself even more as you wondered why you even agreed to telling him about your crisis. It would just make things even more awkward to tell him that you were about to be engaged to his brother.

It wasn’t like you could just easily say, “Hey, I’m marrying your brother so that my hospital and yours can have a bond while helping benefit the both of us with this marriage.”

Yeah, not going to happen. You soon shook yourself out of it as you glanced back up to Taehyung, a worried expression taken over his face as he watched you snap out of it. A small chuckle of embarrassment left your lips as you straightened yourself out. You cleared your throat as you inhaled a lot of air because you would need to give a lot of explanations later on. “I’mgoingtomarryyourbrotherbutit’snotmychoiceandIdon’twanttobutI’mforcedtobecauseofmydad.” You quickly breezed through the sentence like nothing as Taehyung just sat there with a confused expression trying to reiterate your quick response.

A bit dumbfounded as he soon realized what he had heard, he rubbed the nape of his neck in response because he truly didn’t know what to say. “Ah,” was all that could come out of his mouth as he began to drop eye contact. It became awkward once again. “So, you and my brother…” he elongated the sentence because he himself didn’t want to even say the word engaged. It would be too much to take in for him as he would have to watch everything unfold right in front of him. “But, he’s in America right now so how can this be possible?”

You gave out another sigh as your head banged against the table. “Obviously it was arranged by our father’s.”

“So, what are you going to do?” He questioned as he waited for a reply. His hands laid upon his thighs as his fingertips gripped onto his lab coat. He somehow felt uneasy about this. You marrying his brother? Quite absurd. He knew how you’d always say that men were a waste a time, being in a relationship was a waste of time. Maybe somewhere beneath his uneasiness was most likely because he had feelings for you, but he couldn’t dare to think like that. The both of you were just mere friends, let alone the thought of being together.

You lifted your head back up as your eyes met with his. Your lips a few centimeters apart to mouth words that you could barely say because you honestly didn’t know what to do. You could feel tears beginning to form once again. You sighed for the umpteenth time, “I don’t know what to do.” Sincerity in your tone as you basically had no choice but to agree. You couldn’t run away, you couldn’t change your identity or anything at all. Your father had you on the palm of his hand and if you did any of those things, he’d be sure to find you without a doubt. “I’m stuck, Taehyung,” you whispered as the tears finally fell. “I can’t do anything about it. All I can do is just nod and say yes because I don’t have control over my own life.”

“Y/n…” He muttered out your name as he didn’t know how to respond.

“No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Look, I should go—” you began to regret telling Taehyung about the engagement as it was too much for him to handle as well. You got up from your seat as you began to stroll away from the scene only to have Taehyung grasp onto your wrist to refrain yourself from leaving once again.  “Taehyung, let go. I need time alone.”

He didn’t budge as his hand was still on your wrist. He basically pulled you back just a bit. You then removed yourself from him as you hurriedly rushed towards the exit.

Rushing away from everyone in your view everything began to blur once again. Doctors and nurses yelling out your name in concern only to have been ignored. And once again with your luck, you bumped into another. The force pushing you back a little as you then began to do another bow apologizing for the incident. You truly had no luck today. You began to wipe away the tears once again as you heard Taehyung’s voice calling for you from behind. You cursed yourself again as you then straightened yourself up and had your eye met with the strangers. A gasp of surprise left your lips as your eyes had widened while your hands covered your mouth.

“Jin?” His name left your lips surprisingly as you said his nickname.

You heard Taehyung’s breathing behind you as he was panting and had finally caught up to you for the second time. “Y/n, for christ sake— Jin!” He yelled out his brother’s name in surprise just like you. “Why, but, you— you’re supposed to be in America.”

“I came back for some obvious reasons,” he replied as his sight went back to you. “It’s been awhile, y/n.”

“No way,” you blurted out. There was no way that Kim Seokjin, the eldest among his brothers was right in front of you. Your soon to be fiancé stood at the entrance of the cafeteria. You gulped as you stood still not knowing what to say or do. You were frozen and felt as if time stood still. The way his eyes looked you up and down as that smile— that sweet smile that hid mischief caught you. You were about to go back to a past you wish never happened. “Why did you come back? Wouldn’t it have been better to have stayed there?” You asked as your questions were filled with venom. The atmosphere around you began to get dark as you did not welcome him.

“I came back to fix things, to fix us—”

“There’s nothing to fix, Jin. You left three years ago and should’ve left it at that.” You interrupted him stating what you truly felt. You did not want to go through pain once again and to have him show up out of nowhere didn’t help.

“Y/n…” Jin called out your name.

“No,” you brought a hand up to make him stop. “Don’t say my name and don’t try to fix things. You left me alone without a word and I don’t want to hear it,” you walked right past him as you gave out a sigh not giving him a single glance.

[antiques-for-geeks]

Game Review : O’Leary Manager 2000

Game Boy Color / Ubisoft / 2000 / Originally £19.99

In this exciting title, you play the manager of Dermot O’Leary, taking care of your charge as he makes his way through the fickle world of TV presenting!

The cream of presenting talent rising to the top, yesterday.

You start the game negotiating appearances for him on local radio, before taking his cheeky-chappy persona to TV auditions and onwards. Disappointingly, due to rights reasons no doubt, Channel 4’s flagship Sunday morning teen programme isn’t available as one of the presenting gigs you can sign Dermot up for by name, however you can still chose for him to be part of an edgy presenting team for a teen strand on national television. The co-presenter types are all there. The really good one, the needy one, the model-turned-presenter who can’t really do the job but looks good, the fat ginger who's only there to make shows seem less elitist and the one who thinks that they’re incredibly funny oblivious to the possibility that it might be the comedian they’ve been paired with is the one the audience’s laughing with.

There are pitfalls to negotiate - such as unflattering pictures in the papers after spilling out of a club in the early hours, awkward interviewees, bad hair cuts, disastrous suits and dodgy head-gear, but play for long enough and you will soon avoid them.

O’Leary Manager’s multi-player feature is neat, but don’t forget to bring your link cable or you’ll have to make do with standing around with your hands clasped and your tops off like these two.

Do well enough on this and inevitably larger gigs open up, such as the Big Brother’s Little Brother (try as we might, we can’t unlock the main Big Brother presenting gig), a weekly slot on Radio 2 playing his own music and not worrying about the station’s playlist, the National Television awards (a tricky negotiation awaits) culminating in the biggest prize of them all, presenting a prime-time television talent show whose format was ripped off from it’s predecessor.

Ubisoft have really put together a curious title here. They should be applauded for producing this instead of a rehash of 1999’s Total Soccer with a management element tacked on, endorsed by sometime Leeds and Aston Villa manager David O’Leary.

Innovative indeed.

Back of the net! The soccer game is very much in the style of Kick Off; here QPR open the scoring with a sizzling Dowie shot, helped home by a ridiculous amount of after touch.

Buying it today

Yep, you will have no trouble getting hold of this. Some versions might have a tired backup battery after 19 years and it’s unclear how it would be replaced. It’s cheap as chips without a manual or box; add those in and depending on condition you’ll be paying somewhere in the £10 to £20 region.

Commentariat

Tim : I was introduced to this on Pop’s Game Boy Advance one summer holiday when after an ill-judged trip to the beach, I could not walk for a couple of days. Between reading The Ipcress File out loud doing a Michael Caine impression and playing O’Leary, I staved off boredom and a sweltering room where we had to pay extra to have the ceiling fan on.

I love Kick Off and Sensi on the Amiga and the football game is pleasantly consistent with those games. It’s certainly no looker, but holds up well enough against those early 1990s titles. The game is well paced and the controls are simple, but the after touch is infuriating having the sensitivity of a Shakespearean sonnet meaning that more often that not the ball will swing viciously and all over the shop. Set pieces are near impossible to control at times, but the good thing about that is that the computer can be as inept as you at them so it kind of evens itself out.

The management element is on a par with games like Football Manager from 1982 with about the only things you having to remember to do is train the players as well as trade them. After a while, once you have the best players trading becomes academic and it’s just a matter of remembering to train your players to keep them nice and fit.

O’Leary Manager is a fun way to spend your time, but I’m not sure I’ll be coming back to it that often.

Pop : ‘What ‘t fuck does O’Leary know about football management?’ opined a workmate when he saw this gem on my desk after I’d bought it on impulse one lunch time. I got quite a bit of entertainment out of this back in the day, and it still holds up fairly well - at least the footballing bit does. As Tim says, it’s reminiscent of the better Amiga titles, though I seem to remember that once mastered the insane after-touch makes it too easy to score, leading to some ridiculously one sided matches against the computer. As far as I’m concerned the basic management part is really just there to add a bit of background atmosphere as you plow through the seasons. It’s fine as long as you don’t want to take Queens Park from Scottish League 2 to the Champions League final like I did on the super realistic Football Manager on the PSP...

Meat : I really enjoy this, but the thing that is most enjoyable is playing the soccer game. Add in the ability to challenge a friend via a link cable and it’s even better. The management side is lightweight but has enough there to just about hold your attention. Playing in full management mode isn’t that engaging, even if the replays of the action (not just goals scored) help. Playing O’Leary this way is fundamentally dull, truth be told.

So, if the fun really is the soccer game, it makes me wonder why you’d buy this over Total Soccer? Answers on a postcard to Ask Meat...

High octane, this mode ain’t.

Score card

Presentation 7/10

Not bad at all; you can’t expect much from the Game Boy Color and it certainly doesn’t over-promise either. Details like the correct squad sheets are a nice touch though. The clear cartridge case is very much of its time and looks great.

Originality 6/10

It’s been done before and at the time it was released, it was more common to have a straight soccer game or management game so it scores a little more.

Graphics 7/10

To be fair, there is not much you can do here and what it does, it does ably. A higher viewpoint would have worked a bit better for the soccer game, but with screen real estate limited, it does well enough.

Hookability 7/10

Draws you in quickly and is simple enough to keep you engaged.

Sound 5/10

The in-game effects are not that good; the crowd are silent until a ball hits the back of the net. Obviously the programmers were regulars at Highbury. While the chiptune that you hear when in the management screens is far from being bad, it’s inevitable repetition grates quickly, especially the whiny tune played when things aren’t going your way. Might have been better without it.

Lastability 6/10

It’ll keep you occupied trying to get your team to the top of the league. Long term, it’s not got the depth of games like Championship Manager to keep you coming back. The ability to play over a link cable with a friend is a nice touch.

Value for Money 6/10

Not bad, but bear in mind that it’s more or less just Total Soccer with a basic management element. If you have that already, then it’s not going to add much to the experience.

Overall 7/10

If you want a fun, football game for your Game Boy Color where you can do some basic management too, then this is a good choice. Just don’t expect a massively immersive experience.

[rohitkkumar]

New barriers put up at George Floyd Square in Minneapolis after old ones removed

My wife and I spent the first couple years of our marriage living under my parents roof. As anyone in that predicament would tell you the situation was less than ideal. The only saving grace was that my parents weren't especially nosy, and the house itself was large enough to offer us at least a sliver of privacy. It never caused any major problems between us, but our intimacy definitely took a backseat because of it. I really began focusing on progressing my career and getting us out of there. As luck would have it, I finally landed a big promotion I was aiming for and we moved into a relatively high end apartment downtown. It was closer to my finance office and my wife was also closer to the daycare she worked at.

I met Ashley during our last year at University. My roommate at the time introduced us and it wasn't long before we began dating. I still remember the first time she walked into the room. To say that my wife is gorgeous is somewhat of an understatement. Ashley is built like a sex pot. She has long dark hair with blueish gray eyes that compliment her porcelain pale skin color. Her face has been described as classically beautiful, featuring a distinctly feminine bone structure and pouty lips. She stands roughly 5'-5" tall and has it where it counts. She's blessed with large natural D cup breasts and a plump ass that is incredibly tight despite it's larger than average size. When you combine all of that with a very slender frame and a slim stomach it's almost as if her womanly assets defy the laws of physics. During that last year away at school I had sex with her every chance I could, sometimes two or even three times a day. You couldn't separate the two of us, and I think that's part of the reason she agreed to move home with me after we graduated. I proposed to her only a few short weeks after graduation, and we were married soon thereafter.

My name is John, as I already mentioned I work in finance - basically brokering trades or helping upper middle class people with investments, the usual kind of dollars and cents business. I guess I'm what you would consider an attractive guy, about 5'-10" with masculine features and up until recently, I was very much in shape. The stress of the move and the more intensive hours that came along with my promotion had yielded an unfortunate byproduct of 20 unsightly pounds, but I planned to work those away once things settled back down.

Even though I was a decent enough looking guy - my friends, and plenty of co-workers, were never shy of informing me that I married up. "Wow. That's your wife?" was a comment I had heard countless times. I really couldn't complain, even though I felt a pang of annoyance by these sorts of remarks I also beamed with pride. Most men, and I mean ninety-nine percent of men, would love to say Ash was their wife. Without question I lucked out, and sometimes I still pinch myself when I roll over in bed and see her laying next to me.

One of the reasons the move was such a positive was the obvious potential to revitalize our sex life. Now don't get me wrong, we did find our moments to make love living under my parents roof, but it went without saying that us having a place of our own would lead to more freedom in the bedroom. I hadn't thrown Ashley down on the couch in the middle of the day since college, and I looked forward to spicing things up again.

I was day dreaming about the possibilities when the phone rang in my small office, which I had newly acquired via promotion.

"John Morefield." I answered in my usual professional tone.

"It's me baby." my wife replied.

I smiled at the sound of her voice "Sorry babe, no caller ID yet - what's up?" I made a mental note to get the IT department in to finalize my office install.

"I was just wondering when you'd be home. I'm making a nice meal to celebrate us finally having our own place." My wife was a bit traditional when it came to gender roles. Don't get me wrong, she was progressive minded when it came to social issues, science, race, and things related to world outlook - but she loved to cook and clean. She was talented in the kitchen and would often be the one who cooked dinner when we were back at my parents place. If I'm being honest, I think even my mom was a bit jealous of her skills as a chef.

"Shouldn't be too late tonight, maybe around six-thirty. Let me run though I need to send something out to a client, love you."

"Love you too." The call snapped me out of my day dream and I resumed typing an overdue memo. A few minutes had passed when my cellphone buzzed from within my suit jacked. I reached in and pulled it out. As I glanced down at the screen my heart nearly skipped a beat. I was greeted by a naughty picture of big breasts that were ill-contained within a lace black and red bra. It didn't take long for me to realize that Ashley had just 'sexted' me a picture of her tits, something she had never done before. Accompanying the image was a subtext that read "Don't be late." I immediately felt my dick stiffen from within my slacks. I quickly adjusted myself before replying "On the way!"

I slammed my laptop closed and headed out the door.

Even though the drive home was technically only five minutes long it felt like an eternity. When I finally unlocked the door to the apartment and walked inside I was greeted by an erotic sight. It was dark despite it only being late afternoon, Ashley had closed the curtains. Candles littered our spacious living room, my eyes scanned the space before falling upon my wife. She was laying face down on our new plush couch, ass up in the air. My jaw nearly dropped at the sight of it. Her ass was prominently on display, as was her pussy, clit concealed by her luscious mound. The combination of her supple ass and sex was framed in almost artistically by a lace red and black undergarment. My dick immediately strained. I tossed off my jacket and instinctively began unbuckling my pants. Ashley looked back at me smiling devilishly, but she didn't say a word. This was hot, really hot - we never did anything like this.

I ripped my shirt off and basically jumped out of my pants, completely undressing in record time. I could hear her giggling from the couch. I approached my wife completely naked, my rock hard dick jutting outwards as I reached out and finally grabbed her ass.

"Fuck yes... look at this sexy thing." I spoke in a gritty tone, fueled by lust.

She wiggled it in response, lace skirt swaying. "You like? I bought the outfit today... and a few others."

"It's the sexiest thing I've ever seen." I pulled the skirt up, exposing the entirety of her lily white bottom. I slapped my palm down on her right cheek hard as I positioned the head of my dick at the folds of her sex. She moaned in response, arching her head back in anticipation.

"Fuck me baby... I've been waiting all day." her request was a whine, a whisper.

I gently thrust forward, entering my wife. The warmth and tightness of her sex sent waves of pleasure coursing through my body. It didn't take long before I was pumping away with full speed. Ashley was moaning softly in response, gripping the couch cushion as I pounded her. I looked down as her large ass bounced back and forth, consuming the view of my dick upon collision.

I wasn't exactly small in the genitalia department, my dick was almost six and a half inches in length, and it had decent girth. My wife, however, as I described - was stacked in every category. She was freakishly gifted when it came to sexual assets and I often cursed myself for not having the same genetic luck. I had seen enough porn in my day to know cocks came in much larger sizes than mine.

I shook the thought from my mind and gripped onto her hips, I felt an orgasm brewing from within me as I thrust into my wife. I hoped I could hold out until Ashley came. I often could, but today's unexpected eroticism had me more excited than normal. She looked back at me with her gorgeous eyes, probably sensing I was about to unload. "It's okay baby, cum. I want you to cum for me." Her tone was sultry and engaging, she bit her plump lip naughtily as the words escaped her mouth..

I relented, unleashing, legs shaking as the pleasure filled waves of my orgasm spread out from my groin. I came, hard, unloading my cum into my wife's willing sex.

She moaned softly as she felt me blow, continuing to bounce back onto my dick, milking me as my body locked up. I leaned down over her body, kissing her back and feminine shoulders while my orgasm subsided. We stayed in that position for a moment, until she spoke "Mmm... That was nice."

I stood, giving her some room to breathe, agreeing "Hell yeah it was... very nice."

She stood, turning to me and leaning in for a kiss. I noticed her tits within the bra and recalled the picture she sent me. After we locked lips I mentioned the text "I'm not sure what came over you, but that text was awesome - It got me rock solid. I almost had to cover myself as I ran out of the office."

She laughed "I don't know... I've been horny all day." She blushed. "I think finally having our own place has put me into a sexy mood. We should have moved years ago!"

I chuckled "Yeah, I'll say."

Ashley headed towards our bedroom, she spoke "I'm gonna hop in the shower, do me a favor and get the roast out of the oven please babe."

I watched her as she disappeared through the doorway, that incredible ass bouncing as she strode - inexplicably getting me excited despite my orgasm mere moments ago. God, I was a lucky man.

Dinner that night was lovely, we ate in the candlelight - lighting only a single lamp in the living room so we could see where we were going. We enjoyed a succulent pot roast with accompanying gratin potatoes and sliced buttery carrots. Ashley had picked up a few bottles of a delicious Cabernet, that we drank readily. I noticed an extra bottle on the kitchen counter, dressed with a bow - as if it was a gift.

"Who's that bottle for?" I inquired.

"I thought we'd give it to Richard, for helping us. Maybe you could invite him over for dinner next week as a proper thank you?"

I nodded in agreement "Great idea."

Richard was our new neighbor across the hall. We were having a hard time during our Saturday move and I assume he heard our struggle from inside his apartment. He spent almost five hours helping us carry the larger pieces up from the moving truck. If it wasn't for his help we probably would have been forced to delay until the next Saturday, costing us an entire week and more money. We thanked him profusely at the end of the move but the bottle of wine and invitation to dinner was definitely the right way to handle it.

He was a tall, older man, black - probably about forty-five years old, which would have put him roughly twenty years older than Ash or myself. He seemed rather soft spoken, but had a deep voice and an impressive physical presence. He appeared to be an attractive man, although sometimes it was hard for me to gauge the attractiveness of men, clean cut and seemingly well put together. He also appeared to be in great shape for a man of his age. He lugged large dressers and various pieces of furniture down the hall without really breaking a sweat. We hadn't learned much about him as of yet but we did find out he was widowed, his wife had passed away nearly 10 years earlier from a rare blood disorder. There was a certain melancholy about him, but Ash and I were both good judges of character, and we had a good feeling about the man. Surely dinner would be an ideal way to get to know him better.

Once we had finished the meal and cleaned up I grabbed the bottle and headed out our front door, it was only a few paces across the hallway before I was knocking at his.

The door opened "John, what a pleasant surprise." Richard spoke with kindness in his voice, smiling.

"Hey there, we wanted you to have this." I handed him the bottle. "Nothing fancy, but we wanted to thank you for helping us the other day. Ashley and I also wanted to invite you over for dinner next weekend - if you're available."

Richard looked genuinely grateful "Oh wow, you guys didn't have to get me anything. I was happy to help." He glanced at the label. He was dressed in slacks and what looked to be an expensive sweater. There was some music emanating from his apartment, it sounded classical, moody. I realized I might have came at a bad time.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything." I offered as a potential apology.

"Oh not at all, I work from home, I was just taking care of some things. I would love to come over for dinner, I'm afraid I don't get out much these days."

"Excellent. I'll let Ashley know."

We exchanged phone numbers and some more small talk, he thanked me again - and we and said our goodbyes.

The week passed relatively quickly, and on Saturday night we found ourselves sitting down at our dinner table with Richard. The wine flowed and the glazed pork loin that Ashley cooked was devoured by the three of us. We discussed a number of topics ranging from careers and politics to entertainment and hobbies. Richard seemed to really love kids, despite not having any of his own - and admired Ashley for working with them on a day to day basis. Richard himself was a writer of sorts. He provided articles and short stories to a number of online outlets who contracted him on a case by case basis - it seemed to make him a good living. When he heard that I was a finance manager he actually seemed interested in attaining my help in setting up some investments. He had never dabbled in the market, and it was apparently something that always interested him.

"I really do love what you've done with the place." Richard also spent a portion of the evening complimenting Ashley's taste and her abilities as a homemaker. "I was over here a couple times when the last tenant occupied it. Let's just say its a night and day difference."

My wife smiled at him as she took the last sip of wine from her glass "Thanks a lot Richard. I spent a good amount of time planning it out. I'm glad someone's taken notice."

"A designers eye, for certain." He smiled back, and wiped his mouth clean with his napkin.

One thing that I couldn't help but notice was a sort of relaxed energy in the room. Even during the move, upon initially meeting Richard, we seemed to get along with him as if we'd known him for years. Ashley took to him immediately, joking with him, and much to my surprise - flirting with him. Smiling at him with excited eyes or jokingly complimenting his strength while he positioned furniture for us. Richard didn't really instigate any of it, he was respectful, but obviously felt the need to return her smiles and go with the flow. I mean, just like any man - I caught him stealing plenty of glances at Ash. It didn't bother me though. I was very much used to seeing men ogle over or flirt with my wife, I would have gone insane if I let those sort of provocations bother me. But it was sort of out of the ordinary for Ash to be the initiator when it came to flirting, and I planned to give her a hard time about it later.

"So, Richard. Are you, um, dating - or seeing anyone?" Ashley asked with raised eyebrow. The question was a tad forward, although harmless, and I jokingly scolded her for asking it.

"...Now now Ash, that's personal..."

Richard chuckled "No, no. It's quite alright." He took another sip of the Cabernet, and continued "Not really, to be honest. It took a good five years after my wife passed to even think about another woman's company. A few of my friends eventually got me to go on a date, and then another. Over the last few years I've seen a handful of women, but only for brief stints." He paused, seemingly thinking for a moment "... I haven't made much of an effort really."

Ashley was now standing and picking up the plates from our table. "Well, that's too bad. You seem like quite the catch." I stood to help her with the silverware.

Richard smiled again, slightly chuckling "Well... My goodness. That certainly means a lot coming from a woman as beautiful and talented as yourself." He looked in my direction for a moment. "John, I don't think I'd be the first to tell you that you're a lucky man." He raised his wine class in acknowledgement. I looked at Ashley for a moment and caught her blushing.

"You certainly wouldn't be. I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I'm certainly smart enough to know that I'm the luckiest." I leaned in and gave my wife a heavy kiss on her cheek.

Ashley replied with a sarcastic, but loving "Aww. Isn't that sweet." she raised her hand to her face, shielding her mouth from me. She spoke in a fake whisper so that I could hear "Psst.. He's lying."

Richard began laughing as he stood. He picked up his plate and moved towards the kitchen. "You guys remind me of my wife and I, when we were newlyweds - it's really great to see."

"Richard don't you dare help clean up." Ashley playfully swatted at his arm. "Let me have that. Go have a seat in the living room."

He gently dropped the plate and put his arms up in amusement "Yes ma'am. Don't know what I was thinking." I couldn't help but notice that my wife's ass grazed against his trousers as they moved past each other. Richard gently grabbed her waist as he slid past her. Ashley's eyes darted open for a moment, but she continued placing the dishes in the sink as if nothing happened.

The meal was over and I was in the mood for an after dinner drink, "Come Richard. Would you be opposed to a nice scotch? I have a 30 year and I've been looking for an excuse to crack it open. Received it as a gift." I waved his attention towards the living room.

"Oh wow, a thirty year? I could never say no." He followed me towards the sofa, where we both sat.

Ash called from the kitchen "Guys, do you want it on the rocks, or straight?"

Richard looked at me and then replied, loudly so she could hear him "Straight please." I nodded in agreement, couldn't in good faith water down a thirty year malt.

A few minutes later Ashley arrived with two glasses of scotch. I quickly noticed that the top of her dress was soaking wet, causing the thin green fabric to appear sheer. Her black bra was as clear as day underneath it, the skin on her exposed cleavage was also drenched. She was moving in a hurry.

"Here take these, the sink just attacked me." She quickly handed one drink to me, and one to Richard. Richard couldn't help but stare as she leaned forward, her tits nearly spilling out of the top of her dress. It seemed to catch him off guard, because as she turned to go he continued to gaze at her ass, which was admittedly popping in the tight dress she was wearing.

I didn't want to make it awkward for him, so I simply called out "Don't drown in there babe." That seemed to get him to break away from his tunnel vision, turning his attention back towards me.

Richard hung around for another half hour or so, enjoying the scotch and discussing sports and his love of basketball. He was incredibly thankful in his departure, shaking my hand firmly and giving Ashley a kiss on the cheek. "Incredible meal, and an incredible couple." were his departing words.

Later that week Ashley and I were cleaning up around the apartment, playfully annoying each other during our respective tasks.

I decided now would be a good time to press her on her flirtation with Richard, smacking her ass as she bent down to dust an end table "You know... I think you might have a crush on our new neighbor." I smirked smugly as I spoke.

Ashley immediately stood up "Excuse me? Who?" I made a face at her implying a sort of 'Who else?', and she quickly realized who I meant "... Richard?! What on earth would make you say that?"

I continued smirking "I dunno, maybe it was you giggling at his every word, or you being especially touchy, or you going on about his strong arms..." I rattled off the evidence with auctioneer like speed.

[idolizerp]

[ LOADING INFORMATION ON MIDAS MEDIA TRAINEE XUEFENG…. ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 22 TRAINEE SINCE: 20 SKILL POINTS: 03 VOCAL | 08 DANCE | 00 RAP | 04 PERFORMANCE

INTERVIEW

it’s a problem, really. having to stick to an image and perform it well. but this is the industry, and the industry is built on expectations and crafted ideas, yet he doesn’t mind. the one thing they tell him is to be well-behaved, and a little more considerate. they can’t afford another article on behalf of a silly idol running his mouth about a male idol being utterly good for nothing, but it’s his visuals that save the group from tanking.

it’s not a bother when they’re thrilled by his wittiness and sharp tongue, though it’ll become an issue if he’s not careful. to many, his playful mischievousness isn’t taken well. with all the subtitles in the world and multilingual fans, inside jokes between hopeful trainees become tweets to be analyzed on twitter.

the company entertains the idea, but only cautiously. they need somebody a little playful and with a dash of dark humor, self-deprecating or not, and just the right amount of it.

but they like it when he’s modest and generous. it’s an amusing contrast to threatening his equals after practice, pinching at their cheeks and asking if they’re still working on losing their baby fat since it shows. sometimes he cares for others a little too much and forgets his own priorities in the dust. he’s not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve and be vulnerable, as there needs to be a reminder that he’s sensitive. it’s relatable, and it’s a method for the fans to be engaged with him and take his side of sympathy.

they’re almost done, outlining the new rookie male idol with unpredictability and wary disobedience. “are you comfortable with your body?” he answers well to go along with their speculations, and it’s not because they care about what xu xuefeng has to say in butchered syllables. he gets complimented on his physique, the diet plans and workout routines are working. be a sex symbol, but execute it tastefully, do it with rhythm. the key is to be effortless. an ill-timed appeal can quickly become cheap.

they praise him for his natural attributes, yet he’s seen at a disadvantage. he’s from mainland china, his language skills is not quite there yet, and he’s been reprimanded far more harshly than his korean peers. they want to market him to the vast chinese public, and representation is powerful when anybody sees themselves in a place where they don’t dominate. that’s where the money is, and he has to work ten times as hard and complain less when his muscles ache.

BIOGRAPHY

beijing, china (home)

home, a strange sanctuary it was.

half controlling, partially comforting, yet incomplete. the person of authority whose voice would carry from floor to floor was none other than mother. embraced by the heart of the city, home stood as a desolate structure in the middle of traffic.

“don’t raise the heater’s temperature than seventy-five degrees, it’s gonna cost the heating bill.”

“how do you expect to fit in the next recital’s costume if you’re eating like shit?” “your skin is so dark, it’s almost like you’re dirty.”

“only animals lie down after eating.”

the walls were cold. ventilation was poor, and the floorboards often creaked when xuefeng made midnight visits to the sink when in need of drinking water.

there was always dinner cooking on the kitchen stove.

beijing, china (beijing dance academy)

the stage had the same amount of sentiment and nostalgia, very similar to the essence of a close friend. he’d revisit it, on and off, through the changing of seasons, old and young. he was no stranger to the art of performance, being one of the many passionate bodies swaying down the wooden flooring. “it’s a curse!” he’d exclaim. “i have nothing else to contribute to the world but dance, nothing else. and it’s so hard to make a living out of an art, what if i die of poverty before age thirty? my mom wants me to go to a good university and study something like business or accounting, but i hate numbers and technical fields.”

this is his life, and it’s all he has. not that he’s incredibly bothered by it, no. the imprisonment of having to go to school and land a corporate career right after, very much unthought of.

“do you see now? do you see how useless i am?”

beijing, china (beijing dance academy)

“if your son fails to raise his gpa to a minimum of a 2.0, he may not be able to graduate and walk the stage.”

it’s embarrassing. the feeling of the headmaster’s room is stuffy and uncomfortable. xuefeng’s eyes tread everywhere but the focus of the subject that lies in front of him, his transcript and grade reports.

though it’s nothing new. being met with disappointment in one semester or another, in another time or to be saved for the future. and it’s always like this. all dance and no study. he’d rather work at the corner vendor selling kebabs on one of beijing’s most populous streets than be in the books.

it’s a shame, really, as mother would say on the ride home from school. “i sent you there to study. and i’ve always told you, academic first, dance second. you can do anything when you have high marks, you can study anything when you make the grade. now what are you going to do? it’s unlikely to make a living out of dancing, and you know that.” god you have so much talent but you’re but so fucking stupid, and he’s clinging onto his final year of high school with a pinch of hope.

she turns at an intersection.

“well, you could pursue a career in dance. it’s just that you’d be starving on top of having to pay student debt after attending a performing arts university.. that is, if you can make it with these grades.”

his mother is nowhere to be found on graduation day.

beijing, china (wangfujing street)

“here’s my card.”

the oil popping isn’t a match for the searing heat of the weather. he slides off his gloves and steps away from the small vendor. his curiosity has been well endorsed now, taking the stranger’s business card into his hand. “an entertainment agency, huh?”

“we have weekly to monthly auditions and we’re always looking for–”

xuefeng flips the card around and in attempts of handing it back, he gives a shakes his head. “i don’t think i’m cut out for that,” he interjects. “here.”

the agent is incredibly persistent, and he’s positive that those alike her must be trained in a course for being relentless. “please, just give it some thought.” her smile is molded to guarantee.

seoul, south korea (gangnam-gu)

delete. delete. delete.

scroll.

delete.

fingers tapping haphazardly against the cracked screen of his phone. on occasion, he has to refresh the front page of weibo. in one entry he’s calling a girl from so-and-so’s group a visual hole and in another, he vows to marry either fan bingbing or zhang xinyu, whoever is objectified first by the male gaze.

he finds a few posts that he was tagged in by friends from months to years ago, and stares at the image until a weight of nostalgia drops in his stomach. it’s difficult to turn in bed with a sore lower back, and it’s not healing any faster as his days are spent under the control of mentors, as ruthless as they come.

but that’s not the point.

scroll.

delete. delete.

he hovers above the deactivate account button. not quite yet.

seoul, south korea (gangnam-gu)

Z1ZZXFG

2-12 from iphone 6s

if koreans don’t like chinese idols proudly claiming their chinese heritage, then maybe talent scouts should think before collecting chinese kids off the streets like action figures

korea spends so much money sending their idols to china, making singles in chinese and hosting concerts in china.. yet, they send death threats to li yutang after stating he wishes to go back home for lunar new year

china rivals japan in the amount of how much korean idols sell, without our money your plastic idols would die of hunger!

seoul, south korea (gangnam-gu)

the washer machine located in the basement of the company’s building broke. a fellow trainee who often reminds xuefeng of home offers to take a trip to the local laundromat, two stations away from the dorms. “it’s an hour by walking distance,” he says, time provided by google maps.

on the train they board, with bags heavier than what they intended to bring.

“shouldn’t we be practicing speaking in korean?” he asks.

“for what?” xuefeng chuckles, “we’re brothers. of course i’m going to talk to you in chinese.”

learning to speak any language is a habit, something that he has yet to obtain. instead, he puts korean on the backburner, a silly choice especially if he wishes to debut.

they’re loud and boisterous and comfortable on the way, everything that breaks the known train etiquette in a country that’s not theirs.

you can’t put lipstick on a pig after all.