#Because My Plans Are Fucked i cant fucking get them anything
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(It’s all Danny and Lancer with the Waynes crack) (probably)
New rare pare just dropped??? Why do I kinda love Bruce/lancer
what is Mr lancers first name?? *one google search later* we don’t know but it starts with an L :/
I dub thee: Lucas
Lucas “Luke” Lancer (hell yeah, alliteration!)
So anyway Tim and Danny meet and are suspicious of each others odd behavior but ultimately end up with a more or less “I don’t ask questions about where you sneak off to and your spontaneously unimportant injuries and you don’t ask about me and mine yeah? Alr.” Type relationship, and actually hang out a lot.
The first few times Tim asked Danny about that Danny would always say that “you haven’t unlocked enough of my backstory” and move on. Tim doesn’t like this but he gave up on trying because he cant find anything weird about his paper trail and Danny’s a chill guy so it’s probably fine, I mean it not like he’s a vigilante right?
In the show his top speed was 112 mph so ima say he keeps improving his speed as he goes back n forth from Gotham to amity because let’s be so fr Valarie is handling most of the ghosts but there are some nights where it gets too much and she hast to call in backup, and by some nights I mean twice a month at least. What can I say? Amity park ghosts are mean and don’t care about your education
After Jason gets back whatever plot shenanigans you want make it so that lancer is checking up on Danny at the same time Jason has to pick up Tim for whatever and Jason recognizes Lucas but he doesn’t recognize jay yet (he will later), see where I’m going with this? Ok so they get talking (the literature nerds) and Jason decides to double down on shipping Luke with Bruce. Bruce could seriously use the normal and positive influence and hey he’s good with kids so why not? It’ll be funny!
How could he do this the most efficiently, effectively and flamboyantly?? A gala probably, but first Bruce and lancer need to be to the level of friends where they would interact/maybe even seek each other out at a high society event, so *sigh* I guess he’s going to have to invite Danny and lancer to a family dinner or something, but he’s not close enough to either of them do do that without it being weird! His whole plan is falling apart!
Oh Timmy!!!!!~~ has Jason ever mentioned that your his favorite brother?? and he’ll give you his desert at the monthly family dinners for three months if you do this one little thing for him?
So Danny ends up being invited to a Wayne dinner and oh Mr. Lancer you come in too, you came all this way, we insist! (He realizes Jason is Jason Wayne at the dinner btw)
Tim is floundering around Danny because this is the first time Danny looks well rested and with actually styled but also messy hair and what the fuck that’s his roommate! He has no right to look this cute! Tim can see his freckles instead of the ever-present eye-bags and-! wait what why is his heart beating so fast, he’s been trained by the bat! A cute boy should not be able to affect him as much as it is. He need to do some more heart rate exercises because why is Danny so cute all of a sudden and maybe it’s one of his meta powers? No they’re roommates, they live together, he would’ve noticed, and now he’s spiraling but he can’t really stop and-
Bruce is similarly struggling but he can deal with it by being such a clueless bimbo and tired dad because why are so many of his kids here? It’s not even the monthly dinner yet? Is it because of Danny and Lucas? It probably is, he should invite them over more, jay is here and talking passionately about whatever lit thing with Lucas and he will totally invite Luke over more, I mean see how much he cares about his kids? Gah he’s just so perfect- wait what?
DCxDP: The Roomate
Despite all their madness, it's no secret in Amity Park that the Fentons are certified geniuses. When Maddie and Jack Fenton first move to town, they are all anyone can talk about.
Maddie was well known among women because, at the time, women in STEM were rare, and it was even rarer for them to actually gain recognition for their efforts. Her work, confusing to most of the public, meant a lot to the women in Amity Park.
Before she arrived, she had been featured in three separate magazines: one for science, another for sponsoring a scholarship for STEM women, and the last for her inventions of self-defense accessories to arm young women. Yes, most didn't know about her until they learned that she was moving into their small town, but that was beside the point.
Her husband was a little less known, but it came as no surprise that he was also said to be rumored as a well-educated man. He had two PhDs. Two.
At the time, almost everyone in Amity Park had a high school diploma, the highest degree level of the masses. Sure, some well-off families could send their children four towns away to the closest college, but it was rare.
It was also a privilege—a means to show off at the annual street market, where the proud mothers would smugly describe their children's dorm rooms or majors to the tightly smiling neighbors.
In the early eighties, having a higher education made people appear more respected, and here was Jack Fenton, a man who had two Ph.D.s and was rumored to be working on his third. The man who had bought out the old Steward faculty building by the main street was having a crew removed into a home/laboratory.
Everyone buzzed for weeks about the new neighbors, and sharing any new details about them was exciting. It may be strange to people outside their little town, but with a population size of at least five thousand (at least in the eighties when the Fentons arrived. and the population grew well into the thousands when Axion Labs was built), news of changes was rare and few in between.
Amity Park didn't have big-shot names on their roads, much less stay to live. Heck, they only recently started getting a carnival to go by, and that was at least seventeen years since the Fentons moved in.
So, it was no surprise that Fenton's daughter showed just as large a brain as she did. Yes, the Fentons were less academic types than they were expecting, showing a rather odd obsession with the paranormal, but no one could deny their ability to build anything.
The Fenton boy was the only one who didn't live up to the family name. Danny was on the right path until Freshman year, when his grade rapidly dropped to the bottom of his class, he vanished for hours on end and went into destructive fits randomly.
He has been found among enough rooms ripped apart to know that Fenton was out of control. School staff spoke to Mr. and Mrs. Fenton often, and the two parents genuinely seemed to take their conversations to heart, attempting to instill better behavior within Danny.
Nothing seems to work. No grounding, detentions, community work, or group meetings seem to get through the boy's head. The Fentons were at their wit's end with their youngest. Mrs. Fenton, fretting that her son had never behaved like this.
Then, ghost attacks started appearing around the same time to make things worse. While the town laughed at them at first, everyone quickly realized the Fentons were one of the few who could provide defense against the ghosts. Throughout more and more attacks, the people started to defer to the Fentons in times of crisis.
The people who once booed them now rallied around them, and it took no time for everyone to acknowledge that the Fentons were now among the highest in the town's social ladder.
That came with some benefits.
"Are you sure this would help Danny?" Maddie asks, staring at the pamphlet in obvious doubt.
"Mrs. Fenton, I assure you that I would not have recommended Daniel for the program if I didn't think it would help him," Mr. Lancer responds with great patience. "It is apparent that he is dealing with something that needs more support than the school staff can provide."
"But to send him away?" Jack cuts in, looking close to tears.
"Don't think of it as sending him away. Think of it as putting him in an environment that can help him. Frankly, Daniel is struggling here. He's been having more and more destructive fits, his teachers have noticed he's paying less and less attention in class, and a few students have even approached me saying he seems to be hiding weapons in his bag."
"Weapons?" Maddie gasps. "Our Danny?"
"Rest assured, we have done searches and investigations as these accusations are not accepted without reason. Daniel does not seem to have any on him, but I worry he may be facing severe bullying if children were willing to lie about something so serious." Mr. Lacner sooth swiftly. He sighed, leaning back in his seat as neither adult looked particularly happy by his words. "The staff and I attempt to step in when we can, but bullies always find ways to slip past us. For example, bothering him off campus. I just think Daniel will be better away from those causing him harm, especially if he really is dealing with a previously unknown mental illness."
He pulls out more pamphlets, one with testimonies from previous program participants. When Lancer left Amity Park for college, he never planned to return. He got his teaching degree alongside his associates in English and History.
Lancer had taught at a different school, a more well-known and better-funded school, but he missed his small town. He missed the neighborly people, the less noise, and Amity's clean, crisp air. He found himself quitting his Gotham Academy job in Grades six to eight, moved back home, and attempted to drag Casper High out of its failing pit.
He still struggled as the school couldn't find enough teachers. He taught four different subjects—math, History, English, and Science—whenever he could, and there was almost no funding.
But Casper High was slowly getting better every year due to the connections Lancer had made in his seven-year tenure as a Gotham Acadamy Professor. One of these connections was the father of his favorite English student.
Bruce Wayne.
Mr. Wayne attended every single one of Jason's plays, and as the Drama Club sponsor, Mr. Lancer would chat with him. Most people knew Wayne was an airhead, but Wayne was delightful to be around. Like Mr. Lancer, he cared deeply about education and always took the teacher's suggestions to bring up at PTA meetings.
When Lancer chose to move back to Amity, Jason was devastated and insisted he had Bruce's number. It was heavily implied that the board wanted Lancer gone due to his "questionable" teaching plan—he tried to teach empathy a little too much, according to some parents—and the boy thought his sudden departure was due to this.
Mr. Wayne assured him if he had been let go or pressured into leaving, he would provide Lancer with an entire team of lawyers. Touching as it was, Lancer assured them he was leaving on his own accord.
He contacted Mr. Wayne, asking for advice on how to apply for school grants or any other tips the billionaire could give him. The man was the most involved Father Lancer had ever met, including fundraising and supporting art programs.
Casper High had been this close to removing Band, Drama, Cheerleading, soccer, and Baseball because it needed more money to afford them. Not to mention all the other clubs that had vanished when Lancer was a Casper student. Bruce was happy to help him save the programs for the students.
It was the main reason Lancer was made vice principal so quickly. He was basically keeping Casper High running.
Two years later, he heard the news that Jason had been murdered. It shattered Lancer's heart. He went to the funeral and watched Mr.Wayne slowly fall apart. Even as he returned home, he tried to reach out to the man whenever he could.
It may have felt different to the other man, but Lancer always thought they were friends. Eventually, Mr. Wayne bounced back—never forgot—from Jason's death, and slowly, the gap between them was reconnected.
The reason for Mr. Wayne's mental recovery was the one that suggested this program. He had personally invited Mr. Lancer to send Daniel.
"Tim Drake is a brilliant boy," Mr. Lancer continued, watching the two couples struggle to decide. "His team is filled with trained psychologists, he has the facilities to deal with Meta children, and Daniel won't be uncomfortable rooming with him as a teenager himself."
Maddie looks at Jack, but while she sees the hurt in his eyes, she also sees his resolve. "Alright, we'll send Danny to the Meta Mentoring Program. It's what's best."
"I'll let Mr. Drake know he'll have a roommate."
#if dead tired happens and Bruce/lancer happens then Mr lancer is going to be Danny’s father in law and Danny doesn’t like this#i don’t know where i was going with this#but god damn was i going#dead tired#Bruce x Lancer#i don’t know their ship name#bruce wayne#danny fenton#tim drake#mr lancer#prev tags#danny phantom x detective comics#dcxdp crossover#dcxdp#dpxdc crossover#dpxdc#dcxdpdabbles#the roomate#mr.lancer is one of those teachers that care and single handle keeing the school open#part 1#I see that part 1 tag and I have decided to ignore it in favor of giving the people shenanigans#sorry op#i had to#Jason sees the moment Bruce realizes his crush is back#he is rejoicing inside but it ends up with him just looking smug#to be fair he is also being smug about it#everyone else catches on quick about what’s up with Bruce and Tim and their crushes#either immediately is on board ride or fucking die#or is hesitant and is reluctantly okay with it they guess but only because b is happy#I reached the tag limit lmaooooo
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IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF
#me when the plans i had are messed up and my heater broke and i cant get this stupid song right and i have work to do tomorrow and#my dad was in my room for way too fucking long and i was forced to talk to him And my friends stupid birthday is tomorrow and#Because My Plans Are Fucked i cant fucking get them anything#and my hands are sweaty and they never Fucking stop sweating and my body is uncomfortable and i fucked my knee up today and GOOOODD#I FUCKING HATE TALKING TO PEOPLE OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UURUGHGHGHGHGHHGRH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#IM FUCKING HYSTERICAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and all anyone ever does is speak to hear their own fucking voice#just fucking talking to talk. theres no fucking point behind it#like fucking god. shut the fuck up for once in your life . your fucking voice is annoying as fuck too#god just shut the fuck up#and i cant fucking LEAVE everything because id be making a scene . id be overreacting#like jesus christ i need none of you people. and none of you need me . None of you even fucking like me#so . fucking . Whatever ! Whatever !
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sometimes it’s just… ‘oh had so much fun on vacation!’ ‘went to a cool concert!’ ‘had a fun day out with my friends!’ cool??? don’t remember what the fuck that’s like since i’m constantly the one forced to be in charge of everything ever.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[i have a car? of COURSE I must be the ride if anybody wants to do anything. that’s my fucking JOB. birthday? figure out my own plans. can’t#exactly make them because Mia’s sick. have a devastatingly depressing birthday in my house trying not to cry all day. vacation??? lmfao I#haven’t gone anywhere in three fucking years what’s that like??? I am absolutely bitter and exhausted and fucking angry. I have no family#left because they all died. and the last person I DO have is so sick the only enrichment I can receive is taking care of her. until#hopefully she gets better. but when is THAT guaranteed in my shithole fucking life??? I love spiraling with no way to remedy the issue#because I literally live with the fucking issue and she’s the last thing I have. basically: fuck life and fuck this. I don’t even know what#it’s like. I don’t even know how to fucking enjoy anything anymore because I CANT. THERE IS NO OPPORTUNITY TO. I DO NOT HAVE ONE. In fact I#have to do MODULES FOR WORK. THAT. THAT is the most FUCKING stimulation I can get. whatever. I fucking hate everything. I fucking hate#everything everything everything. and this is purposeless because it ain’t gonna stop! anytime soon! ever!]#medical /#negativity /#negative /
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☔️
#having a family has never been anything but a burden for me sadly#i always feel like a burden who drags my family down#but truth is i dont bother them. i only let things affect me and myself#i never do anything that affect my family#this is harsh but i have to vent....#because of things and my mom not making it work#she'll be completely without money for july and august#that is really bad bc we are already poor#and without her income we're basically screwed#i feel frustrated bc i do mine. i do what i need to do#they've always been mad at me for being a failure and a fuck up but i've always made sure i do what i have to to get my income#but my mom didnt plan well enough and here we are#i know i shouldnt be angry but i just feel so angry#i've done what i can do as to NOT stress about money#but she didnt and now it'll spill over me and affect me#im so fucking stressed omg sskkskskskksksks#will we be able to make rent?#it's just so frustrating#for every little thing that happens i realize more and more that for me#family will never be anything other than a burden i dont want or need#if im on my own i take care of my shit and that's that#i wont have three other ppl dragging me down and fucking things up#jesus christ... thanks mom#why didnt she plan better to avoid this? i dont understand ppl#im so meticilous with having plan 1 b c d e etc etc#i know things go bad and i want to be sympathetic with her#but the situation she's put us in.... i cant be anything but angry rn
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It's angst on a new level tbh
#there was a school shooting today#words cannot express how fucked up it is that this is even an issue#or how fucked up it is that when the news broke me and the second grade team were in a data meeting with RTI#and the teacher who was leading the meeting saw the news and told us and then we went on talking about data#bc there's nothing we could say or do despite being just a few hours away#and so we just went on with our meeting#i never dreamed this would be the world I'm teaching in#talked to a friend today who said he was glad his mom only had a year left before retirement#just one more year in what should be a safe place but could turn into a combat zone at any moment#I've thought a lot about my kiddos today#people talk about how teachers without personal children just Don't Get It in a lot of ways#but as dramatic as it sounds i honestly cant imagine loving my personal child any more than i love these kids. not that I wouldnt love them#just...that i really love my kiddos#and I can honestly say that i think i would do anything for them#im going to go cry some more#and then plan for tomorrow as best as i can#and im going to cherish every second tomorrow. even the ones that are not the best. because they're seconds we get.#just my ramblings#cw vent#personal vent#teacher sadie rides the struggle bus#student teacher sadie ✨
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ventie in tags
#isnt that really wonderful having a major surgery that greatly effects your physical and mental health tomorrow and literally almost none of#your friends say anything about it to you#in the main server i talk in wirh just friends they literally didnt even respond#and went straight to talking about their lives#fucking thanks guys really making me feel seen and listened to#ive gotten more messages from my old guildmates on wow wishing me luck for surgery than i have any of my friends#and thats fucking 3 messagss#it really really huets and makes me super upset#i have literally had a fucking countdown going for this that multiple people have seen and still nothing#it honestly feels like a majority of the people i talk to could care less considering#none of them talk to me unless i initiate a conversation#i feel incredibly alone with this and i just want someone to talk to thatll listen to me#i cant even fucking get into any support groups near me because theyre all fucking dead links or dont exist anymore#endometriosis has been the most isolating experience of my life#i just want somebody to talk to thats it#im miserably lonely and i hate it#and im getting to be more and more angry and bitter about it because of the lack of care i recieve from#people who i consider friends#ever since i first got endo my friends have dwindled in number so much#if its not fucking me making the plans and going out people just do not fucking care#and the fucking people i was close with ended up using me for fucking sex and making me their therapist while dealinf with this#it feels a lot like people dont want me unless they can date me or i pay to do things with them#i legit feel like the last crumbs in the bowl
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ball dur's gait 3 is ruining my life
#mine#I THINK I LOCKED MYSELF OUT OF AST4RI0N ROMANCE BY ACCIDENT#AND THE WORST PART IS I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW!!!!!!!#LIKE. WHAT SCENE DID I FUCK UP IN. WHICH DIALOGUE DID I MISS. WHERE DID I GO WRONG#i just got to act 3 and i had the option to ask him why him and my char haven't [ahem] in a while and i decided to click on it#and he finished the conversation by being like 'yeah theres never going to be anything between us'#i insta-reloaded to my save right before the convo because i refuse to accept that as being canon#even though i know the structure of this game well enough to know the fact that i have the option to have that convo#is like a 99% guarantee that i cant romance him#but fuck me man i wanna be a little delusional and keep believing#but if it's really over...............then 1. i'm very upset especially because this is my self insert#(although that is oddly fitting in its own way)#2. i still care him so much and in my heart i want to believe maybe after the events of the game something happens between them#3. im going to kill myself#and 4. on the upside i guess this does offer some interesting story/rp aspects i could play with in my silly mind#but fuuuuuuck me man i was counting on being able to do it i really thought i could get this to work...................#fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck man#so many things have gone wrong in this run it's almost kinda funny#i guess this also adds another playthrough to my planned list cause even though i watched the supercut and i know his romance already#i still kind of want to experience it for myself...even if it's not with my insert :(#but then again my tavs and durges will always be a little bit of an insert cause i'm going to project on them and they'll always#have something in common with me#i can try again in the future...#my 2nd run is going to be durgestarion with durge resisting the urges which i think will be really fun#but i guess im gonna need to use a guide LMAO#fuuuuuuuuuuck dude even though i reloaded to make the convo uncanon i feel like me and my little tav guy are sharing a deeply painful momen#ok this is too many tags WHATEVER i have a call in 30 minutes and then i'm playing the game for the rest of the day#even if he doesn't want me i will still care him......#oh i guess that's the other upside is i can see nonromantic dialogue i might not have seen otherwise#i'll probably see friend dialogue in future playthroughs when i romance other characters but who knows
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#guess who fucking fried 3 very fucking expensive machines today. me. i did#bc a fucking cabled decided to burn out and there was only one little symptom so i switched out the sensor head and inadvertently fried#another instrument. then when i was wait. hang on wtf happened here? and i was trouble shooting. i fried another one. so im down to one#machine. fucking holy christ. one mother fucking cable. a problem i cant fucking control and then i just fucking spred the problem#god dammit. which means i either have to do 20 additional days or we cut the number of reps to 7 or 8#and because of this. ive Disrupted the plans of 4 different labs bc it takes at least 3 months for them to do calibration#ugh. i was so angry. whatever. its fine. these things happen in labs and u kinda just have to deal with it. i dont really feel bad on a#personal level bc ive been working with these things for like 4 years and if i mishandled the problem something was pretty fucked up#bc ive fixed a lot of fucking problems on those machines. bleh. and as im like simmering with rage my family is texting eachother like#yayyy vacation soon ☺️#ugh. its just so frustrating bc i onlu had like 7 days left and i could have got thru all 10 reps. its gonna b maddening on one machine#ans ill have to do more when i fucking get back from vacation when i want it fucking done now but whatever ive bought#my fucking plane tickets and i leave in less than 2 weeks. plus ill get to spend at least one day at home#god im gonna be such a fucking bummer tho. im gonna get of the plane and my fam will b like how r u? and im gonna b like not fucking great#i am barely a functional person and im sure ill b so stressed abt thr fact i have to come back here that ill b on edge the whole time bc#thsts what happened over winter break. whatever. next weekend ill b fucking outta here for like 11 days#and just a few more months until i can leave for good. never walk into thst fucking building again. not that i have anything ready for thst#move. bc again. im barely a functional person#god. now i have to fucking ask for thr stupid bottom of the chamber for this last machine. i swear to christ if i have to fucking drive#down to [redacted] i fucking dont even kno#unrelated
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#my thing is always gonna be this#how are you upset with me because im trying to have a boundary???#how are you upset with ME that YOURE ALWAYS OVERSTEPPING MY BOUNDARIES#like yes i babysitter im a babysitter but you cant expect me to babysit just cause you need a babysitter!?? like what??!#“oh we needed to go to another church and the kids didnt wanna go” okay?? so you just dropped them off without saying anything to me??!#you didnt even ask if i could you just assumed i would cause im home??? like i dont deserve a moment???#like im not a parent#i dont have any kids and i definitely dont fucking plan on it so why tf do i feel like a single mother in my day to day??#why do i never have any free time to myself why is my free time volunteered to making sure children are supervised??!#“well since you decided this im just gonna come get the kids” yeah im within my fucking right so why are you phrasing it like im wrong#god ive never been this frustrated that im fucking crying like can i have some fuckinf breathing space AWAY from other ppls kids#blymi rants#update:: my sister did in fact come and get them#and told the kids “yall cant stay home cause auntie doesnt feel like watching yall”#definitely feels like shes putting the blame on me cool cool cool#just peachy.#love that for me lets make it MY fault whatever#god i really cannot catch a fucking break#and trust and believe im gonna have to hear some stupid ass better than thou speech about how i need to help out my sister#“because shes a student a mother AND working” as if any of those choices are my fucking concern yep wonderful#especially for a sister. that while i love her. feels entitled to peoples help because shes “going through so much”#and now i cant even fucking relax or draw or write because im so fucking pissed#which is why i wanted the afternoon to myself ANYWAYS so no matter what the fucking days a goddamn bust for me regardless
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mom is bitching at me how i need to wear short sleeves TOMORROW, and just get over it
#‘you NEED to wear them tomorrow’ or what.#youre gonna take my phone away? im just AnXioUs and need to get the fuck over it?#woman youre lucky i dont fucking take my car and leave. youre lucky i don’t disappear without a trace.#‘we love you and dont care and dont judge!’ i understand that. i do.#but sometimes that just doesnt matter. you can say that to me all you want and ill always have a voice saying otherwise!#i cant just get over this hump. i dont know how to explain it to you but i just cant. its not that simple.#i cant just.. get up and get moving like you want me to. i dont know how to tell you that im absolutely fucking exhausted.#‘youve been taking a break for 6 weeks now’ and? i worked my ASS OFF. FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT. I DESERVE A BREAK!#IVE EARNED A GODDAMN BREAK. IVE EARNED A FUCKING SUMMER OFF. THIS IS MY FIRST SUMMER OFF IN 5 GODDAMN YEARS WOMAN#i dont care if you think im being lazy. im sorry i dont work the same fucking way you do! but thats a you issue!#‘you need to get your life together’ WELL I DONT WANT TO! I DONT WANT TO RIGHT NOW! I WANNA BE A STUPID COUCH BUM!#i basically just learned that EVERYTHING. I WORKED FOR! IS USELESS! i pushed myself to the edge a constant amount of times over the past 5-#years for NOTHING. because i am incapable of doing anything without someone telling me to or holding my hand.#how do you expect me to know what to do with my fucking life when the life i thought i always had was just shattered?#ive trailed off my planned path! i didnt plan for this! i never thought it could happen! i thought id be PERFECT!#imagine being told your entire life how smart and capable you are only to fail right as someone isnt holding your hand anymore.#just#whatever man. if i dont wanna wear short sleeves i wont. if i dont wanna go outside i wont.#i didnt want to interact with the world anyways. especially after finding out that i dont fit in whatsoever.
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okay. what is so hard about giving your autistic service user a simple heads up if theres gonna be strangers in their shared living space like. I’m not even asking for timings, names, or an introduction. I literally just wanna know if im gonna be seeing strangers while i try to do my washing or if someone is moving in that day and i will be seeing them from now on. i do not get why that is so difficult and unreasonable and crazy. i feel insane because i get why NT people might not care but i just feel like i shouldnt have to repeatedly explain to everyone why it DOES matter to me and have everyone act like i just need to get over it. screams of agony and so on.
#brought to you by a bunch of strangers being in my way as i try to collect my washing from the communal laundry room#theyre here to clear out some old furniture from a flat#i dont need to know literally anything about them at all btw i just want a heads up that. you know. theyre here.#like simply ‘hey just to let you know theres some people clearing out a flat so if you see any strangers coming in and out dont worry’#see how easy that was? i did it in 15 seconds. boom. done. easy fucking peasy.#did not inconvenience me in any way shape or form.#BUT i know if i had said that to. say. an autistic service user who has this kind of thing in their care plan#it would probably ease their anxiety and intrusive thoughts they have surrounding this kind of thing. something they have disclosed#many many times to multiple members of staff.#and it is literally in their fucking care plan. which staff wrote.#whatever point is that sometimes things matter to me bc of my diagnosed disability and MH conditions and i’m very tired of pretending they#dont matter because they dont ‘get it’ or cant take 15 seconds out of their super crazy definitely busy days.
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argh if I can figure out the water thing, it could work. i gotta learn more about rainwater collection and wells and the regulations surrounding surface water use. but anyway i just learned that pear trees can grow in that state which is like fucking huge for me
#pears were his favorite food so ofc im gonna dedicate a huge part of my life to growing them#but you know what pear trees need to survive? fucking WATER#diary post#I might make a new tag for my future plans because I know its going to get sooo complicated and i cant keep anything straight.#maybe like a#hopes and dreams post#which is like sappy lol but yeah i really want to farm someday. that was the whole point of everything#also i might do a poll at some point for farm names and logo ideas but idk i'm nervous people will steal my idea#anyway. im drafting an email to the extension department basically being like what the fuck is water and also what is grass#im gonna cry to my advisor tomorrow and see if he can calm me down a little :(#although i will say. i just made a savings goal on my bank app for 100k and i put some money in there and you know what?#that little green progress bar has given me more hope than any of the research ive been doing today.#i WILL get to 100k by 2030 i WILL be farming at some point i WILL grow pears and i WILL make cheese#i am fucking manifesting it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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but i would give anything for just one day spent in the life i had when i was 15. it may not have been perfect but i felt like i belonged somewhere. and i didn't worry so goddamn much about the big picture
#sighhh i miss when my biggest worry was my crush liking me back#i was such a typical teenager in hindsight bc of that#it seems a lifetime ago but it was only 4 years#2 years since we broke up thats crazy. everything changed i built my own life from nothing#im a completely different person#figuratively and literally though i will not use that to excuse my past actions haha#discord was like my whole damn world my center of the universe talking to my friends on there the highlight of my day#we had plans we had goals we had all thse big ideas and things we could do in our free time#now we go days without really talking to each other#in 2020 i said 3 more years and then we meet irl now 2023 is over and i am sure i will never see you. i wouldnt want to see you#i guess adulthood caught up to all of us. okay. most of us#i am just so sentimental#things had purpose back then and i wasnt this afraid#and i loved them#and i had someone who loved me#its fucked up how you dont even realize it wont last forever until its over#i wish it had ended differently. the whole friend group.#sometimes i wish we wouldve stayed friends. but thats just hopeful thinking because in my heart i know there is no way#were too different and theyre too committed to fucking up everything they have always#it makes me sad. makes me think they truly dont feel like they deserve happiness. i am kind of that way too#but i dont complain about losing the people i push away. so thats how were different lol#and i also dont suibait my mentally ill followers every other day because of some drama that only 15 year olds care about#so in that regard thank fuck i grew up. but also. thinking of them reminds me of simpler times#when this petty shit mattered to me. it really doesnt matter to me anymore and i cant get myself to care about anything that happens online#maybe its time for me to leave the internet behind for good. i dont know what its doing for me anymore.#i dont have anything im excited about on my laptop anymore lmao i have to desperately cling for straws for things i could do#to avoid sleep and being alone with my thoughts
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Like it was never about me or what was best for me...I have to laugh because of how absolutely ABSURD it is
#and i let it HAPPEN#i genuinely dont know how else to react like.#stepping away and seeing it all for what it is in the light of day...with sober eyes...like wow. goddamn#like i just?? dont understand#'i told my friends about what you did to me' 'that's ur right' and then not even 2 weeks later 'i cant believe u told them..'#because i did it 'to make them hate you' like 1. then why did u do it. why did u do it then?#2. all i said was what you did.#then my friends said 'hey you deserve someone who listens to your boundaries that's not okay'#i shpuld be able to tell ppl how my partner treats me it shouldnt be smth i hide from them.#telling them was for me. but that didnt matter. your image did#well now they know. and now you know your actions have consequences.#it's just so infuriating. the amount i poured and poured and looking back it's like.#now i see so clearly it was all a fucking mirage it was never fucking real.#it's so unfair. i dont understand how it went on that long#not that he cares he gets to move on because he never really put in anything. no steps were taken no real truth was given#meanwhile i opened my life and bore my soul so.#like good for him ig he can just move on and get what he wants from someone new#and good for me because now i know more#but i still have to deal w this bullshit future i planned w someone who i now realized never wanted it really#like fuck. fuck#goddammit#so whatever i guess#and i hid SO MUCH because i KNEW how it would look#but to ME who had all the 'context' i didnt want them to just see what i told them#but i now realize the 'context' was all bullshit and i should not have been trying to protect someone who didnt even care enough to listen#to me saying no. god. i wasnt even asking for that much either.#i wasnt crazy. i wasnt acting like my dad. i was being a normal adult. it just crushes me.#because if i was in his place and i truly believed i was with my soul mate i would have simply done the hard shit.#but he didnt believe that ig so! now i know!!#yippee!!!!!
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#i am actually so unbelievably livid right now#like i do not know what to do with the anger that is being held in my body at the moment#ive just tested positive for covid after being sick for a few days#i just tested negative on saturday before i went to a concert and before i saw my partner#so i thought i was fine#but no! actually if i have plans or want to take a fucking break literally ever someone gets sick (me this time) and the plans are ruined#i am legitimately struggling so badly with my mental health right now this might genuinely be a breaking point for me#i am fully at risk#yknow?#anyway#i feel fucking awful because i saw everyone and was doing normal stuff and i just have an immense amount of guilt about it#like#several people have said its fine but i dont believe them at all#ive asked my partner twice if theyre upset with me and theyve said no but i dont think thats the case#i dont know#i was supposed to go on a trip with them this weekend and weve had it planned for a month#and now im sick and we wont be able to go unless shes sick too or i test negative before saturday#and i have a fucking final on thursday and im feeling like im going to fucking **** ******#maybe im blowing it out of proportion! i dont know#but seriously this just happened like last month as well with another family member#we were all supposed to go on a trip to the beach and my brother got sick so only three of the seven of us went and it was kinda miserable#i swear to god i cant have anything good#i cant handle anything anymore#i dont want to live in this house and i dont want to speak with my family and i dont want to do school or work or anything else ever#the burden of being alive is immeasurable and i cant keep living with the responsibilities that come with it
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Also I may be cranky but I find it insanely frustrating that day 2 of getting billy, I told my parents how to take care of her and then they totally ignored me once I was out of the house.
And Then today I started feeding dust in the hall outside of her room to start the Jackson galaxy introduction method, and my mom came out of her room 10 minutes later to be like "I don't think it's a good idea to put his food there, you should have them eat separate" (NOT how the JG method, which I explained to her, works) because her room is within eyesight of Billy's door, so now when the dogs try to steal dusts food, she can actually See them doing that and feels obligated to stop them.
Even though no matter where I put his bowl, if either dog can reach it, they will steal from it. and they Do that every day. And I'm the only one who gets onto them. Like it's an ongoing issue but it doesn't bother her that her dogs steal food, it bothers her that She has to intervene to stop it now.
#i told her i cant really feasibly move billy to any other room in the house (i could keep her in mine except my mom wont accept that#bc if i keep my door closed at night then dust will scream and that annoys her)#and she was like 'im not saying you should move billy im just saying you should feed dust somewhere else'#like literally 20 minutes before this i walked her through the JG steps to introducing cats#and then her very next request was ''can you do the complete opposite of this plan now''#its so fucking annoying like she will take 0 responsibility for her animals bad behavior and try to be like#'its all my husbands fault cuz he spoils them'' and she is totally full of shit cuz she will actively enable bad animal behavior#and especially with cats like she has never owned a cat before in her life before getting dust for me#she has No Idea how to socialize a cat (part of why dust doesnt like her very much) but for some reason she won't defer to Anybody elses#opinion on how to do it. she is like Surely these creatures that i have never understood or gotten along with will respond well#to trial by fire and blatant disrespect for their boundaries :)#whats the most annoying is i didnt even ask her to do Anything aside from feed billy when im out of the house#she doesnt have to clean the litter boxes or give her medicine or even help hold her down while i do those things#and all she fucking had to do to stop the dogs from stealing was close her own bedroom door#but noooooo she would much rather insert herself into this situation that she has no idea how to navigate#because she knows SHE doesnt have to deal with the consequences of a poorly socialized cat#i told her i was going to cut off visual contact between billy and dust and she was like 'that seems like too much'#GIRL I GOT PEED ON 3 TIMES LAST NIGHT. DID YOU???#like who the fuck does she think she is? first ignore my instructions outright and then refuse to accommodate my new plan after her idea#clearly failed
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