#and fuck i just dont want any food! i dont want any in the house! i dont care i dont care if i starve at this point i dont fucking care any
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I genuinely can't stand it anymore, the whole "get a job" as a comeback, the whole shaming people who are unemployed, shaming people who live in their parents basements. Can we stop that already? "Get a hobby" is a lot better anyway.
#jobs aren't accessible and a lot of people who don't work actually have a valid reason like disability like me?#somehow im too disabled to work but at the eyes of the government I'm not disabled enough to get any sort of help#so im kinda doomed to stay at my parents house forever#it's getting hard trust me because woth age i kinda want my own money but we can't really do anything for that i have less than#50€ a month to have hobbies and all so yea it's really difficult but at least i dont pay food and bills#i fucking hate capitalism#i just wanna enjoy my life without stressing out about starving to death#grem stuff
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the closest ill ever get to being a pick me girl is the joy that fills me when the chefs at work so clearly favouritise me. like im there nicely cleaned up in my smart-casual uniform just a 20 year old waitress smiling my customer service smile and behind me spawns Scary Dog Privilege 10x in the form of several burly middle-aged chefs at least three of which have criminal records and would all stick a bread knife in someone for bothering me
#like it's really funny bc i worked HARD with back of house bc i knew my job would be significantly easier if they liked me#(it speeds your orders through. you can ask for things without being told to fuck off during a rush. they'll get you food on shift etc)#and also there's a stereotype especially in fancier places where floor staff look down on kitchen staff and i think that's shitty#so i was always going to be try with them and be nice but ALSO when i first started my job it was in a peak era so while these days#we're struggling a lot and have had to employ a lot of college kids that dont know what they're doing#when i joined it was all private school girls that would swan about the place very snootily. so the divide between front and back of hosue#was INTENSE when i joined. and there i was a little state school girlie and the chefs immediately recognised that#and took me under their wing. so even though the class angle doesnt exist so much anymore and theres majority state schoolers#im still very much in with the chefs in a way not many of the other floor staff are. and there's also the fact im not scared of them#like chefs ARE rude and a lot of them DONT like or even respect floor staff but i will GLADLY tell them to fuck off if i think it necessary#and that's a language they understand like ironically there's one chef that doesnt get on with ANY of the waitresses#(i talked about him on another post he's the soup one) but he likes me bc when he tried that rude dismissive act i told him to shove it#and now the other waitresses literally SEND ME TO TALK TO HIM when they have questions/want something bc they know he'll listen to me#and me and the head chef are besties and the one kp will talk OVER THE OTHER WAITRESSES' heads and completely blank them#so she can talk to me and it's all just really funny bc the kitchen staff LOVE me and that's not even me being arrogant#it's like a known thing at work that they love me and im just. a 20 year old 5'2 waitress with my little pearl necklace and blouse#and some tattooed ginger mohawked 6ft chef is there getting angry for me when i come in complaining about a table#or the kp that is literally on probation will give me a sticky toffee pudding and tell everyone to leave me the fuck alone LMAO#hella slaves to capitalism
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#i dunno man#everytime i read some new thing about covid and long covid#i just feel like im losing my marbles#im the only one still masking it feels like#nobody at my drs offices wear them even the soecialists#my therapist acts like this is an irrational fear of mine#so i dont talk about it as much#shes happy im not isolating myself. and not full of crippling guilt when i do go out#which is good#i agree with her on that#but. ive been numbering my bags with my n95s since i rewear them a few times#ive been using n95s since i took this job. three years in october#which is wild the longest ive worked in one place is just over a year--all seasonal work or short internships. not because i leave#or get fired/laid off#but im getting down to the end of the alphabet#i dont know what ill do when i do#literally as far as labels but also like. its a lot you know?#im debating trying new mask styles. i wanted to ages ago but hoped. i wouldnt need to wear them for much longer#now it feels like i always will.#so. second best time to plant a tree and all.#i want to get out and make friends and do fun stuff. but it's so fuckibg hard and scary#how can i make friends when i cant relax in small indoor spaces#when i. cant eat out at restaurants (due to food issues and masking)#when inviting people to my house makes me anxious for days#how can i make friends under those circumstances?#im so lonely. and so envious#of my friends who do stuff and gave partners. i want that for me but i cant have it. before it was because i moved. ecery 3-6 months#now its this. is it realky any wonder that i nearly cried reading that fic the other day#when Etho took off his mask. and it was treated so fucking kindly and like the trust geasture it was? that it would be. for me?#maybe trust is the wrong word. i dont know. comfort? feeling safe in a space with someone who respects me and my health?
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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Sometimes I hope moving will magically make my relationship with my parents better and then I feel guilty because everyone thought I had such cool parents so I must be making up everything that made my childhood suck and I did have good childhood memories it wasn't always like this so really truly it must be me faking for attention
#and then j think how for ages I thought the only way to be my true self was going no contact but i couldn't even imagine getting a job bc it#was a struggle to make kt through the day#and its not gotten any better.#lots of people hoard food in their rooms for snacks n such. its different when i do it to avoid going out bc going out makes me wsnt to do#unspeakable things because it feels like nobody really wants me in the house#im gonna be so fucked if i csn even get a job bc if my current eating habits and sleep schedule lol#sometimes wish i could go back to being younger where i didnt know my hunger cues as much#i could probably make kt through the day without eating almost anything if i did what i know but i also knoe thats bad lol#but like i need control of something bc i dont have any control or say otherwise#i just hope i can get out soon
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was gonna try and get to some of the replies i owe but my mood has suddenly tanked into "bad" so i guess im putting them off another day. :(
#« ooc post#cw: venting in tags#im just fucking tired. not like physically but mentally.#i just want to not feel like im constantly teetering on the edge of overload#i dont do much i feel like but ive been trying to keep the house clean and take care of everyone in the house#and i just dont even have energy to take care of myself. its hard to even remember to take my meds.#i just finished making myself some food and i dont even want any of it#i just want to hide in my room and cry or break something
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its 1am so i thought people wouldnt be in the kitchen and i could cook in peace
i was wrong
there was a bloody candlelight vigil
#what the fuck#i speak i ramble#i just wanna cook without needing to talk to people for once in my god damned life#cant cook at home and cooking at uni kinda scary#why cant i cook at home?#parents dont like the kitchen smelling like food#parents dont like it when someone is in the kitchen and they move through the house#parents dont like it when someone is in the kitchen and they want to use any adjacent rooms#parents dont like it when someone is in the kitchen and they want tea or coffee or diet coke#my parents want me and my sister to be out of sight out of mind and still give them affection#they want us to be dolls. pretty‚ to be shown off to others‚ but not alive.#not to be our own living people with our own lives‚ personalities‚ and issues.#argh i hate my parents. AAAAAA#i feel like i need to say im doing a degree - im an adult who pays taxes and shit - and im the youngest in the house. we all adults. argh#vent
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I want their fuckin freedom they have no chores no responsibility they can go out with their friends when ever they want for however long they want they can sleep in there bed all day they eat drink drive vehicles use the phone have a home with no bills no expenses they can spend their money on stupid things that bring them joy with no worry of the gas they burned in someone else's vehicle or if there's dinner at home they have no worries about laundry no worries about dishes no worries about the messes they make because they know I'll clean it up always I want to be viewed by my family and by my friends as someone who is an actual person with limits and boundaries and who has goals and dreams they'd like to accomplish in the day besides laundry for 16 people and not a tireless cleaning machine. I want to be able to rest and have hobbies I want to be able to do things with my partner and my friends again I want to be able to fuckin daydream and make up stories again for Christ sake I want to feel like a person and not a corpse forced into playing "tradwife" I want the freedom they all have while I'm in the background doin they're dishes.
#i don't mind helping with chores but it's the fact I'm the only one qnd i can get my four youngest to help me with bribes of sweets#but there's several adults living here who don't care that they make. more mess then a four year old#and could definitely start doin their own laundry#or take the trash out if it's full instead of cramming more into it so that the bag splits and is to heavy for me to lift#and I'm actually kinda strong like I've def lost a lot of energy n strength this year tbh but this bitch can lift pretty heavy boxes at work#and i split logs pretty regularly so im not the strongest gal by no means like of lord i had to carry my mother around everywhere#because she was a stubborn asshole who refused to use any mobility aids and then wanted to go shopping or go out and i had to just carry her#like i can carry an adult women but fuck if it didn't hurt me bad doin it and i had to stop several times to catch my breath#like I'm not super Strong but I'm not weak the trashbag cant weigh more then an adult#it takesn nothing to rinse a bowl out so your food don't turn into cement#or throw away the wrappers of your bandaids instead of tossing them on the floor#or wipe your shoes before you come in and track big chunks of dried mud and grass all over the home#my parents wanted 12 kids wnd our house to look like a magazine and they beat that mentality of the house must be clean as a whistle#because what if Jesus was to stop by we must have our home look so clean that we would be unashamed if jesus stopped#so clean we encourage him to look in cupboards and under the bed clean#i dont think that's a Bible verse but there was a biblical book that was all about having a home that was so clean constantly#just so you wouldn't be ashamed when Christ cand because cleanliness is closer to godliness#i really hate my mother like so much I'm glad i can finally say it I'm glad i don't have to work to earn her love or buy it#you shouldn't have to have to earn love especially from your parents I'm glad she can't constantly condemn me#i have nightmares about my mom condemning me or being smug n proud and ruining my life in the name of her cult#like throwing away all of my belongings and only having a bed a Bible some christan fiction four floor length Jean dresses baggy tshirts#also her giving my sister she favored a bunch of my organs since I'm broken anyhow and slowly dieing because i don't have a liver anymore#or her ruining my relationship and friendships because she didn't think they were godly enough so i have no one in my life except church#she tried to have an arranged marriage for me not a dream that happened#i know she loved me i hate that i think so low of her but her love felt like hate most of the time#i know she loved me though andni love her to I'm just glad i don't have to constantly hve to perform for her#i have so much garbage in my brain
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not gonna lie man it is not all good in the neighbourhood rn
#i was getting homesick when i was on holiday but now that im home its just so. ugh.#The Darkness Creeps Forth Once More#the food is shit im annoyed at my family im annoyed at myself the house is always messy#i dont get anything done i just rot in bed forever and ever#except now at least i have work#which is either a good or bad thing#good for money and getting out of the house but kind of. ugh.#im sleeping too much but im always so tired all the food tastes the same and makes me feel nauseous#the cats don't have any food and it's stressing me out and it's like i don't recognise them anymore#after being away for less than a week ?? but still#my sense of time is so skewed im fucked in the head i just want to go to school again#my dysphoria is so bad and my dad is so fucking unsupportive but cant admit it#hrrrrrrvhvhbdj its fine it will be okay I Will Persevere#at least im seeing my friends tomorrow :(#i just want my depression to fuck off#for one goddamn minute
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god i love fish
#NOT THE FOOD but the food is good too#added some baby tetras to my tank and theyve successfully started schooling w the older ones already there and im weeping#theyre so little theyre almost entirely transparent and i almost never see them except if im feeding them bc they blend into the background#but like theyre so cute even tho i barely can see them i just 😭😭 theyre friends they are friends#got one of them for free bc the lady getting them for me stressed them out so much he almost died but hes doing fine now so#only got some ember tetras and a couple of catfish i love looking at them swim. stop hiding in all the foliage i want to look at ur face#I DIDNT EVEN GO IN FOR FISH I wanted another frog for my tank but they didnt have any and the other fish stores were too far away so#ended up settling for some other little guys instead I dont NEED a 4th frog right now#MY OTHER FROGS HAVE STARTED SCREAMING AT NIGHT AGAIN i love them. just sit there sometimes giggling over their tiny croaks#need need need to live near a pond when i have my own house i fucking LOVE pond animals
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Crazy to be 20 years old and my mom casually mentioning that she was so glad i decided of my own volition that I didn't want to see my bio father anymore bc she knew that he and his mom were smoking meth when I came to visit but didn't want to tell me unless I brought it up cuz she didn't want me to have a bad impression of them 😭 that woman is a saint if I found out my baby daddy was tweaking in front of my toddler I would've poisoned his supply and sent them both to the graves from "overdose"
#my mom hated her babydaddy so much but she was so worried about me growing up to think that she purposefully turned me against him#i remember her sitting me down like ''i want to move somewhere far away for grad school but that means u might not see ur father as much#anymore. so if you think that would be sad for you we'll stay put''#and i was 6 years old like ''i dont care about him at all''#2 years later i forgot his fucking name and my mom had to remind me XD he was such a non presence in my life#cant tweak around ur daughter if u never spend time with her!!!#even when i was over there my grandma and some of his uncles were the ones who took care of me#and i didnt like any of them they were mean to me they didnt understand me or my personality at all even when i was a baby#and had a baby personality (toddler with what was probably ARFID)#i started denying food based on smell and look before i was even out of the high chair#i spent years and years beating my mom and aunts and maternal grandparents into submission#the dinner table was a warzone and i did not quit the fight until i won. and then i would go to meth daddy's house#and i had to start All Over Again cuz they were never around my moms family. in hindsight im sure thats bc of the tweaking#but yeah me not wanting to eat ''gross'' shit (like bread. not even pizza dough) was the main source of strife between me and every adult#it continued well into my adolescence (altho realizing i was wrong about bread opened me up a lot to trying new things)#but i dont think arfid was recognized as a thing when i was a kid and my family was convinced i was just stubborn and that they could#break me so i was never checked out for any eating disorders
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came up with the script i wish i could yell at my parents while walking home. they've gotten so much worse in the last half year and i need to fucking escape !!!!!!!! it is not fucking healthy or sustainable to live like this, to be in this environment.
#you would never assume i go to a nice university if you saw the state of where i live#and its entirely bc of them they refuse to make any real purchases like a working oven or groceries they just want cigarettes#and nonsense from amazon and fast food that i cannot eat#the house smells like fucking smokes and trash bc they can't keep the space clean wven after you clean up#the car smells like smokes bc my dad smokes in the fucking car#and they smell like smoke and i cant breathe around them#they take off all the fucking time and leave me and my siblings to take care of ourselves (im the eldest theres children still!!)#they have no interest in my life bc its too much for their attention spans i begged them to read any articles i wrote bc i was so proud#and they just went hmm no i dont want to#they just.... they weren't great parents to begin with but they really did just fucking give up#my dad is absent emotionally and chooses to remain miserable & my mother is a teen sister that hates how her kids are more mature than her#it sucks it just fucking sucks and i need money to leave but its just impossible to save the funds while also funding my existence now#yeah im hating on smokers right now bc that alongside alcohol and gambling are fucking ruining my life and it's not even me doing any of it#I can't even drink and have fun bc i am reminded of my fucking family who get drunk and act horrible#I can't ever pick up a cigarette again either bc its like i just inhale the air in my house and its in me#i just fucking hate it so much their misery is ruining everything for all of us not just them#i dont fucking care if they want to make bad choices but leave your children alone you fucking freaks
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I hate my job... why do I let myself stay somewhere I feel fucking miserable at....
#im not even treated badly i just hate every aspect of working food. and being a manager is fucking awful.#and in like 2 weeks im being moved to food manager and i just want to kill myself right there. its not that i dont think i cant do it#its that i kmow its gonnna be hard and its gonna. take me forever to get right and its just something i Do Not Want To Do.#i just dont fuciubg care!!!#food managers shoudl care if the company loses money with soemthing and i jsuyt dont fucking care#its going to kill me#my hours are gojgn to be even worse and i just feel so fucking dead e ded#where am i going i. life????#where is this fucking path going to take me??? NOWHERE!!!!#its just not fucking fair this isnt what i wanted for myself and now i just feel fucking stuck#like balhblah nlah im only 24 so much life in front of me#but when? when will something good happen to me#instead i work a dead in shitty food service job that i hate!#people fucking suck and i dont want to do it anymore#i wanted to work with kids i want to have my own house i want a child of my own#im never going to fucking get there#i cant focus in school and any child care job doesnt pay enough to even get by or is part time and built with rich ass college kids in mind
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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
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vent thingy
#im so sick of everything- is it so wrong that i just want someone to directly ask me shit?#or like directly ask what i might want and let me have any agency???? this month i just keep consistently having others constantly making#choises and decisions for me when i can do that myself! i just want to actually have a fucking say in anything! fuck#like i know friends care for me and brother cares for me but fuck if i just want them to actually ask what i want??????#thats all i want. thats it. i want them to actually just fucking ask insted of assuming and choosing for me.#i hate hate just everyone constantly trying to choose stuff for me on whats my best interest#i dont want to be pressured to not go to collage one year and then be pressured to go the next#i dont wanna have random things i dont even like gotten for me because people think i might like them#i just dont want anything! is that wrong? i just want to be treated like my own person and asked things!#if you wanna do smth for me ask! i will try to fucking find something! i just want to be a part of it if its for me! i dont want fucking#suprizes i hate suprizes i like when things are actually asked and planned when everyone fucking consents im sick of all of this#i dont even want the yogurt pretzles anymore even just thinking of them makes me want to hurl now cause i didnt! get! any! say!!!!#and fuck i just dont want any food! i dont want any in the house! i dont care i dont care if i starve at this point i dont fucking care any#more i cant keep fucking doing this i cant both bend over backwards to try and comfort others and be under this fucking much#fuck i havent even been able to tell my partner becaude theres been too much happening in his life- and i dont want it to worry or dote over#me i dont want anyone doing any worrying for me anymore its god#i dont know i feel bad for being ungrateful but im not in a mental state for this stuff#i just want to have a say in anything. anything at all that could actually affect me in a way bigger than the smallest shit
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#i need to get out of this house somehow and i dont know what to do#i had to dip into my gofundme just to buy food to be alive#i cant pay any of my bills coming up this week#my shop is completely stagnant#i have pennies to my name#i dont have any savings#i dont have a car or id be long gone#im stuck in this stupid moldy dirty buggy apartment with people i dont want to be around and im fucked#i need to get out and i cant#fuck this
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