#BUT ILL HAVE THEM IN A FEW HOURS!!!!
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Guys my plushies are in the mail. My plushies are in the mail. Coalecroux. Plushies. My plushies are in the mail. My plushies are in the mail. My plu-
#THEY ARE IN MY HOMETOWN#BUT IM NOT HOME#WRAAAA#BUT ILL HAVE THEM IN A FEW HOURS!!!!#OH MY GAAAAAAHIFJMN#CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY#ouaw#ouaw plushies#once upon a witchlight#kremy x gideon#gideon coal#kremy lecroux#coalecroux#legends of avantris
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hey remember that old goat+lamb comic with the kid? (probably not,) here's their adult design.
i think i drew the original one the same day, just never posted it (and i still won't,)
they steal their parents crowns i guess! im allowed to be a little edgy on main. the comic doesn't really have context.
#cult of the lamb#cotl narinder#cotl oc#henry's oc hour#i have some ideas for this guy. mostly for artworks. i might finish that last sketch#also narinder isnt reffering to combat. the lamb beat his ass afterall!#kid's generally more willing to sacrifice followers for his gain#theres a few detail that i consider kinda cool. if you guess them ill smile wide#i like yapping...if i dont draw some of the ideas ill just write it on a post
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♥ happy valentine's day! ♥
#animatic#curse of strahd#rahadin#strahd von zarovich#hrmm i guess i should tag the brides..#escher#ludmilla vilisevic#anastrasya karelova#volenta popofsky#chicago#volenta is my gfs favorite so she has a little extra spice. and escher is now a player character and another friends favorite so he does to#i have a few other chicago songs i have animatics for... but i really want to work on gestalt for a long time before doing them!#i know this is not the ideal posting hour but if i dont send it out today ill cry#ill reblog in the morning or whatever!! goodnight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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we spend the entire show watching house do anything to treat his pain — he goes to (understandably) insane, destructive lengths just to ensure he never has to suffer being sober. his entire life is focused around a cycle of distraction, thrill-seeking, and avoidance. we know that his home is filled with hundreds upon hundreds of pills, so he can always prolong and maximise those moments where his agony is muffled. and yet, in the final scene, we see him dive head-on into the end, and despite this being the most gruelling, insurmountable prognosis of his entire life, we see him smile bathed in the sunlight; those muted tones are dauntingly lifted, yet there’s no echo of a bottle rattling.
#this is a pretentious way of wording it but#it’s driving me insane that house — at the peak of his addiction and for most of the years following the infarction — was seen to take#HANDFULS of vicodin every few hours#because it hurts for him to even just EXIST#he’s never gone long stretches without relapsing#and yet!! and yet!! it’s so visibly clear that they don’t have much on them when they run away#not enough luggage space for a chronically ill AND a terminally ill person’s worth of painkillers anyway#it’s absolutely certain that there will be pain.#for both of them#this will be no doubt the most excruciating months they’ve ever lived through#but it’s worth it#and they’re more content than they’ve ever been#I JUST. AUGHHHHHHGGGH#house md#greg house#gregory house#hatecrimes md#hilson#james wilson#house/wilson
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Are you going to participate in Dronetober?
Sadly I am not allowed to draw constantly. They make me work in the Michigan grocery store... very sad. Can't believe they'd do this to me
#asks#i get like 40 hours a week lol. plus i have to work on MD:TFE#i must sell meats and cheeses so i can buy my cat expensive food and treats and toys#idk. maybe ill try a few of them. but ill probably forget.#i dont tend to do things like that bc i forget or cant keep up#i was supposed to be more in my work uniform but. its just the hat
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share my love to you. share my heart for you
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#carmen lobcorp#just a quicker one that i did. i was going to originally do anatomy studies or the sort with her but this works too#i think i still might depends on what i have on me . im a few hours away from my room so none of my diagrams or models....#ahh depends. i do have another piece similar to this one ill likely post soon. probably will end up posting older art as i get this whole#anyways i wanted to try to have some aspects added but i didnt quite fully add all of them#the body melting towards and blending into the water like substance tinged red but also the green prominent inside still a little#uhh brain jar reference. yayy..#it isnt quite clear what is happening. she was supposed to be opening herself so the heart could be seen#organs do NOT look like that but in my defence i didnt have connection at the time to look it up#...should i add something for gore or the sort?... uhm#tw: gore
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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Oopsies my hand slipped and I drew this
#FINALLY gave into the urges and drew them. sorry guys the mental illness won this time#tbf i’ve been deranged about this pairing for almost a year now i think i have a right to indulge myself after so long#GOD this is embarrassing to post. my sense of shame is too strong to be posting cringe art of my godawful ships even on here#if you hate me for drawing this don’t worry i’ll go die in a hole after posting this!!!#just kidding i’ll actually probably draw more even though i find it embarrassing#death note#death note fanart#mello#mihael keehl#soichiro yagami#soichiro x mello#mello x soichiro#soichello#<— some of you may want to filter those last three tags considering that i post about them semi regularly#if you don’t know how i’m pretty sure you just go settings —> account —> filtered tags and put in whatever tag you want to filter#chara’s art#first time drawing soichiro and i draw him at the most difficult angle possible. why did i do that to myself#i mean it’s not bad for my first attempt but he looks. thinner?? then i intended???#mello’s face looks off here but i had fun drawing him#anyways happy new years. i spent the last few days of last year and the first few hours of this year drawing this#what an amazing and productive way of spending that time#new years resolution is to go outside and touch grass#i can’t stop writing in the tags. i think it’s because i’m hesitating to post this lmao#oh my god whatever just shut up and hit post
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apologizing in advance for the person i will become when the next pjo show season comes out
#and the one after that etc#IM GOING TO BE SO NORMAL OK. ill be the normalest guy ever. nobodys gonna be more normal than me about this#iv. eive. been reading the pjo books (first time actually) and. I care them all so mcuh. the books ever#so so many things i cant wait to see in the show. ive been imagining how some stuff could be translated into the show as i read#im so excited ougfhhh i love these books. life changing reads and im not even really halfway done with them#i just started the third one today actually :mindblown:#i sat down just to read the first few pages before i go to sleep. and erm. i ended up sitting there reading the first ~60 pages for over#-an hour instead. Its so good man the only reason i stopped reading is bc if i dont go to sleep now ill pass out lmao#anygays i love pjo forever and ever and when the next seasons come out im going to be insufferable (/pos)#Also i feel like im always saying this but#im not actually apologizing like i said in the post. im not sorry for shit!! im having a good time#cam.txt#side note omfg i wish i didnt get so much of pjo spoiled its ruining my fun. everything couldve been so much more enjoyable#its my fault im always spoiling media for myself just bc of my insatiable need to know everything Smh. im my own worst party pooper.#a killjoy but not in the cool mcr “killjoys make some noise” way 😞😞 big ol spoilsport right here
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i am very grateful that im not someone that has to deal with daily seizures but it is evil when it takes like a week and a half's worth of business days to recover from a seizure
#if i had them everyday or every other day i would be so fucked 😭#id like to say they dont bother me per se but the entire week after is laying in bed after 11 pm and wondering if jts going to happen again#bc my head feels like its about to explode#and then do not get me started on the fear of getting in the shower within the first few days of one happening .#reasonably i understand that my seizures happen from 11pm to maybe 3 am on average .#but ill have a seizure and then have to hype myself up for like 2 hours just to take one 3 days later st like 2 pm#my seizures do not interfere with my day to day life in extreme ways but existing knowing that i have them during a certain time frame is#like. Hey man can you grow up#also it is really funny being told theyre probably hormonal or stress related and should 'probably stop' as i get into my mid 20s .#Well im turning 25 next month and evidently i still have seizure activity in me#also also heres a fun fact: my epilepsy does not have an actual named diagnosis they just said i certainly have a Form of it ❤️#they dont know what causes them and i have no real warning signs (bc a headache =/= potential seizure)#they dont bother me but i do have to live with the knowledge that i could have one any day now and wake up to my mom asking me questions#hope everyone can tell i have a lot of feelings about my epilepsy despite not talking about it like ever ❤️#the only thing that really bothers me is the no warning signs. ive been perfectly fine and had them. ive had massive migraines when i was#unmedicated and didnt have one. very bizarre#and ofc all my brain scans come back normal all the time so they dgaf Lol
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Bleh
#I gotta rant n I don’t really have a place but here lol#but man is my past relationship weighing heavy on me today#(caveat of pls don’t be weird and make this his problem)#but I still just feel so lost over it#like obviously breaking up with no ill will is the ideal situation#but being forced to confront that someone you spent so much of your life growing with#can just decide they don’t like you like that anymore#like there was distance for a while before the breakup#that I don’t hold against him at all#but reflecting on the first several years of our relationship compared to the last 6months or so#feels like night and day#like you can go from someone being obsessed with you and you obsessed with them#enjoying all the parts of growing into adults together#to just feeling so unwanted bc the reality is they stopped wanting you a while ago#like going from telling friends my only holdup on polyamory was that I didn’t know if I could love another person as much as them#to having to bring to their attention that it wasn’t okay that I came to their family’s house n all he said was hi to me for the first hour#and then confronting that you didn’t do anything wrong#that shit just happens sometimes and neither of you knew how to navigate it#and fuck it makes me so scared for future relationships#because how can you not be scared when you can lose such intense love as the result of a few years passing#I almost wish it had been something I did :/#bc at least then I knew what to work on and mitigate going forward#but I can’t stop people just..#not liking me anymore
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the forest looks like heaven today i woke up feeling the heaviest weight at the top of my heart
#yesterday on the study they said they were dating two others and it was going well and i cant imagine fucking you but#you have great tits. they got upset at me not inviting them to a party. my research partner told me to write a 1000 word essay on why they#should come. they spoke about how much they wanted theiir ex and they wouldnt tell me much about who theyre dating bc#they thought i still had feelings for them which. god. theyre right but the assumption is so arrogant#the streams r rly beautiful im walking to a date and shes gorgeous and some of my friends know her but i look#exactly like ive slept on my friends floor for the past few days so . aaa anyway#god after that whole call i just felt so deflated like i felt over it but now its all . back. like seeing them being happy w smn else#inflicts active misery upon me which means ii think im becoming a worse person bc of them. i called my friend and i just . idk i walked home#i kept wanting to weep but . woah the sun is so pretty#there are petals and dandelion seeds floating in the air#med school students walking to their lectures#she does biochem btw. the person im meeting now#there are two butterflies dancing together. i cant make this shit up the past few days have looked like actual heaven#ive spent them being on survival mode and not even bc of my studies like ok focus on log functions while the person kn the screen#tells u abt how if her ex were to call shed fold immediately and the new girl is a singer and its going well and maybe ill tell you#more abt it in a few months. SO YOU KNOW IT HURTS ! SO WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME YOUD MAKE OUT W ME AT THE CLUB WHY WOULD U FALL ASLEEP NEXT TO#ME WITHOUT CLOTHES ON ! WHY WOULD YOU CARESS YOUR OWN SKIN LOOKING AT ME IN THE MIRROR !!!!#anyway im like . sane.#i just . felt like it was over#i realised i kept seeing ppl who i thought were more attractive etc etc than her bc i needed to prove to myself#that im attractive enough to be liked or that i can be liked at all and a part of me wanted to prove it to them too#its just a horrible mindset to have and yh not only do they not care but they also bring out the worst in me actively like . I DONT KNOW#BUT THEN WHO ELSE KNOWS THAT THE GOLDEN HOURS IN TEHRAN ARE PINK AND LILAC WHO GOES TO TECHNO RAVES AT THE BASE OF DAMAVAND#WHO CAN PIN YOU AGAINST A WALL LIKE THEM !!!#anyway#standing up it just feels so#exhausting#like this the most exhausted ive felt from all this ever
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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#5 for the karamazov brothers!! :)
(character ask game!)
5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?
OOOOO boy you have no idea how crazy i am about making character playlists. i have so many. one day i will post each of their playlists but as for the very first songs that come to mind........
mitya - you probably couldn't see for the lights but you were staring straight at me (arctic monkeys)
okay so my first thought was depeche mode but we already went over this so this was my next thought LOL these simp ass lyrics are just so very mitya <3
ivan - beach life in death (car seat headrest)
this part of the song physically hurts me bc it's so ivan. just (radiohead) is another ivan song of all time for sure, also basket case (green day)
alyosha - she's a rainbow (the rolling stones)
he is SO beatles-coded but this is the first song that i thought of for alyosha! the lyrics aren't even applicable really but the vibes are PEAK alyosha, the little piano bits & the strings & the whole song just sounds like a sunny afternoon & i could totally see him listening to it!!
smerdyakov - people are strange (the doors)
this is literally pavel. out of the 4 brothers i think his playlist has the most songs that are PERFECT for him (mr self destruct - soft cell, walking in my shoes - depeche mode, hell even you're gonna go far kid - the offspring etc.) but the one that i associate w him the most is people are strange!! it's got the vibe of that positive feedback loop of isolated from society -> hates society for it -> society isolates him even more -> etc
#THANK U FOR THE ASKKKK i need to make playlist posts for them Yesterday. theyre all hours long tho rip#anonasks#anon ask game#sorry 4 no art recently my finals are this week and im SWAMPED#i have a few wips (remember that mitya i posted a while ago?? yeah) but theyre not anywhere near done enough to post :(#will post some low effort memes soon tho :D#the brothers karamazov#ivan fyodorovich karamazov#mitya fyodorovich karamazov#alyosha fyodorovich karamazov#pavel fyodorovich smerdyakov#ivan#mitya#alyosha#smerdyakov#<- i dont remember if i tag their patronymics or not. oh well. ill have to do an overhaul of my tagging system at some point#tbk#edit: fixed the ss for ivans lyrics so there isnt a bigass space lol
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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