#-about having hair on my body lmao
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also like i partially found out i might be intersex because i was looking at trans stuff and there was like "(however many) months on t and finally seeing some bottom growth" and like pictures of t-dicks and i was like.... um.... that's kind of just what my clit looks like anyways. so i was like "hey google give me a quick rundown on this" and learned what clitoromegaly was and then i was like. hm. intersex resources. and it's like a sign? symptom? side-effect? of certain intersex conditions
#i mean like pcos runs in the mums side of my family but i dont have all the symptoms of that#i do also have like. more hair?? than the average afab person#like dark hair on my stomach and chest and back#and my face. whats disappointing about the face hair is that it isnt enough to be able to grow a beard#so i cant even fuck with gender that way#tagging as nsft just because of like genital mention#genital mention#nsft#shoutout to transmascs on t who show their t-dicks on the internet it was really helpful#also i dont know how to describe it but like. my natural face shape is kind of masculine??#like it would be plausible for a cis amab perisex man to have my face without looking feminine#if you get what im saying??#if it sounds like im reinforcing sex or gender essentialism please say i am struggling to find words#unshoutout to the boys in primary school who made fun of me for having hair under my arms and starting a whole decade of insecurity-#-about having hair on my body lmao#for the record i dont think certain face shapes are indicative of gender and all im just going by like. patterns?? in afab vs. amab faces#also not that i think afab vs. amab is the entire categorisation of human sex characteristics but um. working with what vocab i have here#i think what also really kicked it off. was relating to a fair few experiences intersex people have socially#particularly intersex ppl who were afab and faced a lot of pressure to make their bodies conform to feminine beauty standards#and it was like.... oh lol.... my mum did that to me!!#it comes from her own internalised shit bc she has pcos (idk if she identifies as intersex even tho she could if she wanted) but still.#dont project that onto a 10 yr old lmao. she keeps buying me hair removal products#ALSO floored by an experience i have. in which apparently half my friends dont feel pressure to shave their legs#because the hair on their legs is like. light and thin and barely visible and i was like?? huh??#what do you MEAN your legs don't look like your brothers/fathers if you dont shave??#im starting to think they dont shave their arms. their arms might just naturally not have a load of hair#i dont shave my arms though. cannot be bothered with that and also like. why would i do that#also you know that like. happy trail i think its called?? on “men's” stomachs??#yeah i have that naturally yeah thats right im naturally sexy#if you cant tell i am putting “girls” “mens” “boys” “womens” etc. in quotes to indicate that is just the normal society way of saying it
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im like the lorax when it comes to women's body hair. we should let it grow.
#eliot posts#the other day my roommate was talking abt how she hates shaving#but does it anyway bc she doesn't want people to be mean to her about her body hair#and i was like yeah i mean i used to#also worry about that bc my mother was always so fucking cruel to me when i didn't shave#but as an adult i find that it's extremely rare that anyone even mentions it (tho my body hair is pretty light so that could be a factor)#but even when people are shitty i find that i no longer give a shit about what what those idiots have to say about my body#but i understand that that can be a hard step to take so if you need to keep shaving for your own comfort then i won't judge#but on the inside i was just like#*ibuprofen hand meme* ''let's get called disgusting hairy d*kes together <3''#i had a great time showing off my pit hair at the pool today!#(i get read as a woman when im swimwear cuz i can't hide my body as much. so i get read as a hairy masculine woman.)#i show off my leg hair every time i wear shorts but like. my leg hair is Pathetic#i look practically prepubescent vis a vis my leg hair (my mother still calls it disgusting lmao)#but my pit hair is pretty good#i occupy a weird gendered place in society where i am more of a man in identify but society genders me as a woman#the only time i feel remotely okay being seen as a woman is when i am seen as a BAD woman. a woman who cannot/will not be A Proper Lady#it's not an entirely ACCURATE view of me but there's Something in it
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everyone loves the parallels going on with isaac braiding jeannemary’s hair and colum braiding silas’s hair in gtn, and then gideon tying back harrow’s hair in htn, but when we consider that:
in chapter 17 of gtn, when everyone is down in the labs attempting to call back the ghosts of abigail and magnus, coronabeth “only drew close to the work to pull Ianthe’s hair away from her face” and then
once abigail and magnus’s bodies are brought upstairs in the next chapter, ianthe is seen with “pallid hair falling in two smooth braids down to bloodless shoulders” which is followed up by
coronabeth saying ianthe “can’t hold her arms up long enough to braid her hair” prior to her interrupted swordfight with gideon in chapter 29
...i think we can pretty safely add the tridentarii to our list of cavalier/necromancer pairs doing each other’s hair
#also corona scolding ianthe about not doing naberius's hair right in ntn lmao#oh man you know what would have been cool?#if we’d gotten Palamedes doing cam’s hair while in her body 🥺#maybe we’ll get something in that realm with paul lol#coronabeth tridentarius#ianthe tridentarius#tridentarii#gideon the ninth#gtn#the locked tomb#tlt#tlt meta#my tlt thoughts#nona the ninth spoilers#(because i can’t help myself in the tags apparently)
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ARCANE EPISODE 7!!!!
MY GOD I WASNT READY FOR ANY OF THIS!!! WHAT WAS THAT!!!
Also ekko wallpaper I got with my fries lmao
#OH MY GOOOD!!!!!! POWDER AND EKKO!!! AND BENZOOOOOO#ITS LITERALLY WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN OMGG!!!!! POWDER LOOKS SO CUTE 😭😭😭😭 IM CRYING ALREADYYYY#VANDER WITH A BUN!! AND EVERYTHING IS SO FULL OF LIGHT!!! HER EYES!!! MYLO LOOKS SO RIDICULOUS AKDJSK THIS GIRLAAA#“where would you be without her” WELL BUDDY IF YOU KNEW HOW HE IS WITH HER!!! VI IS DEAD????? OR SHE WAS TAKEN FOR THE INCIDENT!!!#LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID JAYCE!!! MY GOD!!! THE GEMS KILLED VI SO THEY JUST COMPLETELY PROHIBITED THEM!!! JAYCE IS IN JAIL PROBABLY!!#the fact we are seeing exactly why jayce should be sorry about what he has done.... and we are seeing him suffer because of it... cinema 🚬#also mel fading into viktor.... also has he realised how she manipulated him in the beggining??? there is so much stuff...#jayce eating contaminated animals and his wound being infected with the arcane too..... is that what will push him....#omg.... ekko likes powder so much... he apologised by painting actual adult vi portraits where the fallen are in his universe 😭😭😭#“she looks so badass” if you knew... is he gonna ask her to help him make hextech.... that is so sick and twisted....#also jayce hurting his leg loke viktor and having to use a cane and brace.... damn and you know whats worse..... that ekko could be like#this with the jinx of his universe IF ISHA HADNT DIED!!! AND IT IS BEACUSE OF JAYCE!! AGAIN!!!!! THIS MAN!!!!!#the drawing with the anomaly and the two men and the inifite symbol... we get it... jayce and viktor forever intertwined by fate....#powder is sensing something is off.... omg time travel..... THE LIMIT IS FOUR SECONDS AFTER HEIMERDINGER EPXLODED ALDHAKSHSKSJSOJSOSLS#i dont want a time travel ending.... if its done for plot to an extent is okay but idk about solving it all.... it makes it feel worhtless#claggor looks so fine its not even funny..... i cant wait to see what everyone thinks. WHERE IS THE LITTLE LADY bc hes called little man 😭#and vander with arm tattoos.... why did they hipster fied him.... he looks younger somehow ajdhakj he went from taking care of 4 kids to 3!#SILCO!!!! AND HE DID TRY TO KILL HIM!! ALSJAKSKAK Ekko just laighing at it.... girl i would be pissed STROMAE??? OMG POWDER!!!!#I JUST REALIZED THE PINK IN HER HAIR IS FOR VI!! AND HER JACKET!! AND A DRESS LIKE HER MOTHER'S!! CRYING!!! FULL BODY CHILLS!!!#CAN WE JUST PRETEND LIKE ITS THE FIRST TIME!!! I GAVE UP ON YOU!!! WHAT HAPPENED BACK THEN I NEED TO KNOW!!! IM SOBBING!!! EKKO!!!!#NOOOOOOO THE ANOMALY NOOOOO!!!! HEIMERDINGER NOOOOO!!!! AND THATS JAYCE!!! IS THAT MAGE VIKTOR???? the monkeys......#the vi toy with the out love song machine.... my god i wasnt expecting any of this i need to breathe i am stil tearing up my god#what a fucking punch in the stomach christ i cant breathe right akdhsksso#the credits saying the deries has benefited from a spanish tax rebate in the canary islands??? you're welcome i guess lmao#animation production carried out there and has ben collaboration with the Spanish gov... alright another win for perro sanxe#talking tag#watching arcane#watching arcane season 2#watching this i dont think im ready for caitvi sex.... after reconciliation even like what will be of me.... now im scared#i am still scared bc idk what happened to jinx and vi and cait still... thats what worried me and boom!! ekko powder with the steel chair..
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The problem is. When I go, "Oh, this system is bullshit" and try to live outside it. My choices are still defined by that system. And that makes me feel really weird.
#I love being a woman so much but jfc am I having strange feelings about what that means in a societal sense lately#and like. obviously the most important thing is to unapologetically be my authentic self. which I try to do every day.#but sometimes it's VERY hard to tell what my authentic self is versus what I'm rebelling against versus what society tells me I am#and it would be GREAT if I could find OTHER PEOPLE who felt like this but that would require me airing out all my baggage and#no one wants that.#(okay. like. tame example. I think it's absolute bullshit that women are expected to shave. and for the most part I don't. and I don't care#whether other people do or not. but I HATE the way that armpit hair feels on my body. so I do usually shave that. I would shave that even i#there was no cultural expectation for women to shave at all. but I feel like a bad person for complying with this cultural standard even if#the reasons for it have nothing to do with gaining general acceptance or appealing to some Standard of Femininity.)#(and it's not that me making this choice is like. Inherently Feminist™ it's not. but it feels ANTI-feminist. and then if you map this to#a bunch of other more serious shit..............)#it's rough out here!#(and then there's the fact that I'm CONSTANTLY bombarded with '''''takes''''' claiming that women don't actually suffer under the patriarch#and that misogyny isn't real. but the t/rfs keep trying to have a monopoly on THAT conversation and I do NOT want to be associated#with them because THEY ARE ALSO WRONG. AND THEY DON'T ACTUALLY SUPPORT THE LIBERATION OF WOMEN LMAO)#(so then it's just like wow! I really do feel incredibly alone! nothing resonates with me at all!)#In the Vents
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Hira's year in medical review:
Me, August 2023: *experiencing extreme fatigue, fainting spells, mood swings, sudden and drastic increase of suicidal thoughts, and intense hair loss*
P.A: let's do blood work
Me: ok!
Bloodwork: *normal except for prolactin*
Doctor: sometimes that's a fluke so let's retest
Me: ok
Bloodwork: *exactly the same*
Doctor: your values are higher than normal range, but not high enough to be in range for a pituitary gland tumor.
(P.A: go see an endocrinologist and get an MRI, that might be indicative of a pituitary gland tumor.) <- bless this person and only this person in particular
Endocrinologist, seen earliest available which was January 2024: *wants to retest blood work instead of ordering an MRI*
Me: ... ok
Bloodwork: *the same*
Me: can we please do an MRI now?
Endocrinologist: Well. Your values are above the normal limit, but it's highly unlikely that's it's a pituitary gland tumor because they are not high enough for that. Let's retest blood work in four months.
Me: ...................... ok
Bloodwork, May 2024: *THE SAME*
Endocrinologist: hmm, I recommend an MRI
Me: *gesturing angrily*
MRI, June 2024: 🎉 pituitary gland tumor 🎉
Doctor, when I went in for something else: I doubt your endocrinologist will want to treat that, we typically don't treat adenomas that small
Endocrinologist, who took 3 weeks to review my results: I recommend just monitoring. It's highly unlikely that this is causing your symptoms, it's too small for that.
Me, July 2024:
#like im sorry but 'highly unlikely' =/= 'impossible'#sure it might be rare but like thats not a reason not to check it out???#idk wtf is with this resistance to treat it#like SO WHAT if in the majority of people a microadenoma of that size doesnt cause symptoms?? all individuals are different#like y'all didnt even think i had one because it was atypical presentation so maybe that's the case with my symptoms too#what would it hurt to do meds for it?#if i do meds to shrink it and my symptoms resolve; great!#if i do meds and my symptoms dont resolve? thats also great! it means we've ruled one thing out#and can continue exploring why THE FUCK my body is acting the way it is#why wouldn't you want to rule things out if you can?????#the healthcare in this country is so fucking broken#its been almost a year since i went in for my symptoms and still no resolution#ive lost about 2/3 of my hair at this point. ill probably have to chop it off if it keeps going like this#not even gonna talk about the fatigue#nor gonna talk about my sis's current experience where an untreated infection (not for lack of her trying to get it treated!)#is potentially now developing into something more serious. like kidney stuff. 🙃#(and they apparently have no record of the labs she submitted 🙃🙃 so she's gotta go do it all over again otherwise they wont give her meds)#it's okay. its just nausea to the point she hasn't really eaten in days and constant pain and dizziness. difficulty standing#but its fine right lmao#ughhh#dont mind me im just frustrated beyond everything and need to yell into my little corner of the void#withoutwords
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i dont trust any big scale production of animal products but i think free range organic eggs is the best i can do cause i dont know anyone with hens that can sell me eggs on a regular basis. That would be good though if i could get in contact with a small hen farm. Also are eggs bad for you im only doing this if its good for my body nothing else
#some ppl are like eggs r so bad cholestrol etc others r like nothing is more nutrient packed and the cholestrol thing is a myth idk#I feel quite guilty about this idk if ill be able to do it#Im going to eat mussels too…feel scared to do that#I dont think im changing anything else though#Cause ive decided no dairy products and no fish and definitely no other animals#Oyesters lmao but im scared and they r alive when u eat them yuck#Also whats it called the like eggs in shrimp and fish etc#Theres a great vegan alternative but probably doesnt have the same nutrients#Its called like roe in english?#Hm i should eat more nuts and seeds also#Maybe more greens#I wonder what else#i rlly should eat fish and meat…if i reallt wanna do this..#Like i just know thats the best thing for my body#Oh yeah yeah heart diseases whatever yeah probably#But like. Some. I dont mean a lot i just mean enough to get some good iron and stuff#I feel like my hair needs red meat. Lmao#But im not going there#…#i cant..#I dont want animals to die but then im like. Its natural. Its the way of life you die so i can live#Im only considering hunting like animals from hunting now#No way im eating industrial beef
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tim bisley my beloved (but like in a transgender way)
#i’m on season 2 of spaced and the simon pegg jealousy is so fucking real#i have to focus on the blorbo thoughts otherwise i just start crying about my gender lmao#but ANYWAY he’s just like me fr and i want his clothes#and also his hair and face and body and voice but that’s a different much more depressing conversation#spaced#cornetto trilogy#shaun of the dead#sotd#the worlds end#hot fuzz#paul 2011#tim bisley#simon pegg
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I sometimes don't know what to say when people are like, "ugh it sucks being a woman - I hate shaving my legs!!" because it's easy to be like, "then don't", and for some people that works, but I also understand that it's a deeper problem than that, and whilst personally, I revel in the queerness of my hairy body, not everyone wants that, but also that body hair shouldn't be seen as un-feminine anyway and body hair shouldn't be some kind of statement and....idk.
#shaving legs can be replaced with like. styling my hair. or wearing foundation. or whatever#this isnt specifically about that#mostly this is work colleagues because all my friends have nuanced genders lmao#we were talking yesterday about shaving and waxing and my manager was so shocked when i said i didnt shave my legs#and asked to see 😂😂#what made me sad was that she said her daughter will have problems because her dad has dark hair so her#body hair is going to be dark#her daughter is like 7 or something#it's just. it goes so deep!!!#my manager was so close to being like. well its fine because you're a queer lmao#when i was like. i just. dont shave lol. just dont do it#she was like. hmm. well. that's fine for you because. actually. why /don't/ you shave....#😂😂 i was like. oh. it was a covid decision! (kind of true)#anyway. if anyone has any legit advice for this i will hear it#i find it hard to sympathise and connect with this anymore idk#well. no. like. i do understand. i just dont know how to relate anymore i guess#woes of emily
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#not sure if i talked about this here yet but I'm a recovering nail/cuticle biter#and last fall i started getting gel manicures to incentivize me to stop so i wouldnt be wasting my money lol#and it WORKED. because i got really really into nail and cuticle care#so now my nails are grown out and my nail beds have completely reattached#i have normal nails now and you could never tell i used to demolish them#i spent my ENTIRE LIFE with stubby little bitten nails and gross ripped up dried cuticles#and now i have BEAUTIFUL natural nails#except for the damage i accumulated from the gel removal over seven months lolllllll#so recently i stopped getting gel and i switched to regular lacquer#at first i was still going in to my nail tech but then i started taking the polish off in between appointments and practicing on my own#and in just a couple weeks i was good enough that i just stopped going in!#i just do my own nails now!!!#it takes me four hours to do it right lmao but its worth it because it's been a week and they're still perfect#only one tiny chip and NO LIFTING#im gonna take it off and redo it with a new color today because I'm bored of this color#but i could probably keep wearing this for another week and it'd hold up#I can't take all the credit because I'm using the Dazzle Dry system and just switching out the color with ILNP lol#Dazzle Dry is another fucking level omg#but anyway. I'm proud of myself#my nails look just as good as when i was getting them done professionally 😭#i am NOT a girly girl i don't wear makeup or shave a single part of my body#i get my hair cut specifically in a way that requires minimal styling#so the nail obsession isn't something anyone would have expected from me...#and yet my nails are always immaculate nowadays 💅
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(she/they)
#my face#i’m being bonsignorefluenced into liking my body#real talk having my tummy in a picture i post is scary but i am so so brave about it#i have felt somewhat good about my body 2x in the last week ans that is minorly a miracle tbh#also we are ignoring how messy my hair is on all of these lmao
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okay stressful event done, hopefully i can be calm and normal again starting tomorrow 🙏
everyone put your lucky clovers and horseshoes together for me to hope that I did not get covid because I was the ONLY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE VICINITY WEARING A MASK. OUT OF 200 ISH PEOPLE. FUCK !
#but i wore it and i ignored all the stares and strange looks ppl gave me#i do not want to be further disabled jesus christ please i am hoping against hope I'll be okay#i did not have a choice in the matter of going or not but holy shit it was not worth going even 😭😭 it was so bad fjfkdl#I can't say much abt it bc I'll end up doxxing myself but it was so bad. and i wish i had not gone dbfkdl#also my mother was so mean and saying some random guy was disgusting and meanwhile i was like ummm awooga 👀#she is so fucking awful and i hate it. he had a bit of a belly sticking out from his shirt bc he was stretching and he had body hair#and um. well. we all know how Normal i am about that sort of guy.... Not Normal At All LMAO#it just makes me feel more affirmed in choosing to not ever share my art w my mother lmfao#she would hate what i draw. and I'm trying not to let that get to me but .... oh well i guess !#even though i learned at like age 11 that i shouldn't even try to share my creations w her i still yearn for approval or whatever#UMMM LOL WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT RN OOPS SORRY. I'll go skitter off into the night now DBFJDKL#HOPEFULLY I'LL BE NORMAL TOMORROW BLEASE... also i need to go see what Chase was posting earlier augh#dandy.cmd#vent //
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#tw ed#saw a picture of myself from when i was *checks notes* at my fucking worst with my ED but that meant i was also Thinner.#i really should Go Back huh. maybe if i did i wouldnt feel. Like This.#it'd prolly mean id start losing my hair again which. not a big fan. BUT.#if i was really dedicated i could also lose my period which. huge fan. that was one of the best things that ever happened to me tbh#i could have it all back. maybe i could even get farther than the last time. all it would take is uhh feeling utterly fucking miserable#having no energy for the most basic stuff let alone singing and thinking about nothing and i mean NOTHING but calories 24/7.#but hey. maybe i could like. lose 5 kg for my troubles and then gain back twice as much when i decide again that i just Cant Live Like This#totally worth it huh#anyway. i miss hating my body A Little Less and people being Nicer to me and everyone telling me how good of a job im doing#and encouraging me to keep going. and i miss the sense of Accomplishment and the Pride and the Not Feeling Disgusting#or at least Making Up For It by just. not eating lol#cause like its not like im actually much better mentally am i lmao clearly im not. only now im both miserable AND fat.#obviously ill never be s/kinny let alone as s/kinny as my friends. ill still look like a glitch in the system and a mistake next to them.#but if i have to be miserable anyway i could at least be. less f/at about it right. maybe then ill be worth something <3#...and other delusions you keep cultivating because there's something deeply and inherently wrong with you#my new bestseller coming soon to your nearest bookshop dont miss it its only $free.99!
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You know. I spent so long wondering if testosterone would make me unhappy that I never paused to think what I would do if there was a chance it could make me happy
#unpacked a lot of testosterone injections at work today and. i was really thinking about it today#as well as having watched the ad gilette did with a trans man#i think. i think t could make me very happy.... of course i also live in florida so who knows how that'll work out#i might just microdose it if i can get it.. my estrogen metabolizes faster than normal so my body already takes to testosterone#the only things are 1) i do not want to shave my face i hate everything about the idea of facial hair actually#and 2) i already forgot what i wanted to say here whoops#OH i probably won't see a lot of results for the fat redistribution bc. im only 115 pounds so there isn't much to redistribute lmao#i think i just want to be a beautiful androgyne.. always keep em guessing#it would of course. open me up to a variety of slurs i could be called but to feel comfortable........ i could do it#shai speaks
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kokeshi doll but of arakawa durin his theater days......... do we know what i mean.......
#snap chats#i looove kokeshi dolls so much... my dad bought me one during a trip toooo#new york ? i think ? maybe it was philadelphia.... some east-coast city like that#i cant remember i just know we were walking around and we passed by this little japanese stand#and my dad bought me a kokeshi doll and i loved it so much..#it was mostly beige with white hair and was decorated with red flowers and had a sort of rigged body#i remember i kept the box too and i put this old metal and ceramic hair pin in there#but i those at my dad's one day so now it's lost to storage since he moved a lot. amongst a bunch of my other stuff LMAO#i should prob ask about that someday... but anyway let me continue this post...#but yeah anyway.... for context... kokeshi dolls are As They Sound little wooden dolls#they're typically designed with the influence of the artist's hometown in mind but they can also be based off of celebrities#so... legally... arakawa could have been a candidate to have a kokeshi doll... in my opinion...#at the very least maybe there was a big ol fan of his out there that felt like making a doll or somethin#i just know i miss my doll.. now all i have is my kokeshi tea set. its cute tho so im not mad#speaking of tea i drank two tea bowl's worth of matcha to hopefully keep me awake so i could work#but i feel laggard but Not Sleepy so i cant really muster up the direction to work on comms.. oops..#im gonna try tho lemme end this post bye
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sometimes I get weirdly in my own head about 'is the way I draw nyssa Good Representation For Fat Women' and then I remember she's my fucking OC and Good Representation is not actually my job
#[frank n furter voice] I didn't MAKE her for YOU#I'm fat I'm allowed to have a fat character with a figure designed around what I personally find visually appealing okay#it's not my job to redefine what it means for a fat woman to be sexy#god this is such a chronically online thing to feel this worried about. in the normal world she's already unsexy because she's fat lmao#like... idk I don't draw stretch marks or body hair because those are levels of details I simply don't care to fucking bother with#and good news! it's not my job I can do whatever I want#my OCs are my own personal dnd characters for the private games I'm in it is not their job to be Good Representation for anything#you know it IS a bummer that the internet is so discourse laden that I'm flinching at imagined discourse#despite never having been personally involved with any myself#I've just seen other people get discourse'd enough in weird unfair bad faith ways that it's poisoned my brain a little bit :')#about me
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