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#(the only way to help her is to just do it ;'D)
tanoraqui · 12 hours
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D&D 5e Adventure Concept: Wild Magic Siblings Dungeon Crawl Unwilling Reunion
Plot/Party Backstory: Four siblings whose mother (gender-neutral) is some sort of inhuman entity who is a font of wild magic, who serially has children then promptly abandons them with their dad (gender-neutral), who is basically a normal guy, well-adjusted except for his unceasing dedication to this objectively Not Great relationship.
The siblings all have at least 1 level in Wild Magic Sorcerer, innate (and causing problems!) from birth. But they’ve all coped with this familial situation and the struggles of their magic in different ways, often at odds with one another. They’ve all gone totally separate ways in life, some may not even be on speaking terms…until they’re all drawn back together because their mother has somehow gotten Dad into real trouble this time, not just the ongoing struggle of uncontrollable bursts of magic from four kids in about ten years. She hasn’t left him with a new baby in years, in fact—hasn’t so much as dropped by since the youngest was like six!* But he’s truly stupid about this woman, so even two decades* later, he agreed to go on a romantic trip with her…and now he’s trapped at the center of some deadly dungeon because their flighty bitch mother just left him there.
*years based on human lifespans; modify as appropriate for other races
So now it’s up to these four siblings! All together again for the first time in years, can they get along for long enough to survive this dungeon and rescue their (generally agreed upon) one good & beloved parent?
The Party:
(May or may not be in descending order of age; it’s up to you.)
The Wizard (lv 1 Wild Magic Sorc, lv ?? Abjuration Wizard): Specializes in negating magic (first tutelage from their Dad, who picked up stray tricks while raising this lot). Has been in academia since they left home, probably no adventuring experience. Roll 1d20 with disadvantage for potential wild magic surge on any spells that are on Sorc list as well as Wizard.
The Sorcerer (lv ??+1 Wild Magic Sorc): The only one still in contact with their mother, who has served as somewhat of a mentor on their adventures. Primary business is adventuring! Uses Tides of Chaos and has wild magic surges CONSTANTLY.
The Barbarian (lv 1 Wild Magic Sorc, lv ?? Wild Magic Barbarian): Prefers to just not use magic! Vents it a little through cantrips, and has figured out how to focus it into a limited range of effects when it slips out when they loses their temper in battle (rages). Sometimes risks Mage Armor (stacked with Unarmored Defense!). Has definitely been adventuring, though maybe not as primary occupation.
The Cleric (lv 1 Wild Magic Sorc, lv ?? Arcane Cleric): Turned to a god NOT associated with their mother for help. Has worked in a temple since they left home, may have some adventuring experience. Roll 1d20 with disadvantage for potential wild magic surge on any spells that are on Sorc list as well as Cleric/domain spells.
Party Level: They should all be an odd-numbered level, so the Sorcerer’s sticking with their birth class has paid off in granting them higher level spells than the Cleric or Wizard. (Cleric and Wizard do both have access to 1 of those higher-level spell slots, but they can only upcast into it.) I suggest at least level 7, so all PCs can be at least two steps down their subclass paths, and no higher than 13, so the Sorcerer still has no control over their wild magic surge.
The Dungeon: Any level-suitable pre-made dungeon will do!
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choslut · 2 days
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˖ ࣪ ، ◞ せ⌇ LUCKY GIRL. featuring d. sawamura.
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↻ you might be a ditz, but daichi thinks he’s lucky to have such a pretty ditz as his good luck charm.
tags : panty kink, bimbo!reader, locker room, panty fucking, slight dubcon, overstimulation, squirting, clit stimulation, light dirty talk // wc. 0.9k
author’s note : sorry this one is so late (by like a day) !! work managed to finally bite my ass last night and i literally passed out the moment i got home. woke up, got tired and remembered i totally forgot to post this :( welp better late than never, i hope you guys enjoy this one (notes n reblogs always appreciated) <33
this work is NSFW. minors and ageless blogs DO NOT INTERACT.
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that fucking g-string. 
DAICHI will never understand why you decide to dress your absolute sluttiest when you’re attending his practices, wearing tiny skirts and tiny tops that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. 
it also doesn’t help that you’re sitting up in the stands either, because every time he looks up, he can just about make out the outline of your puffy pussy against the sheer pink fabric of your panties. 
fuck, he can barely even call them panties at this point. 
it’s hard to focus on directing the team when his girl is up there in the stands tapping away at her phone with her perfectly pristine acrylics that he paid for, showing off her miniskirt and a pair of panties that he also paid for. 
fuck you. 
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“you tryin’ to get me bricked on purpose or what, babydoll?” he’s cornered you in the common room, backed you up against the locker with both hands on either side of your face. one of his hands come down to trail against your side, toying with the fragile string of your panties. 
you, on the other hand, stare up at him dopily, with not a single clue in the world what he’s talking about. “not sure what you mean, babe. you don’t like my outfit?”
daichi scoffs. “no, it’s not that. it’s just…” he twirls the string around his thick finger before snapping it back against your hips. “you’re distractin’ me.”
you’re such a fucking ditz, the way you’re looking at him. your lashes (fake) flutter as you stare at him, eyes wide as he plays with your panties. “i thought you liked these ones. i wore them for good luck.”
“i only need good luck at games, baby, not at practice.” does he have to spell it out for you? “turn around for me, angel. hands on the lockers.”
you obey, as always, presenting your barely covered ass to your sexually frustrated boyfriend proudly. daichi’s large hands push up your skirt and scope your ass, a low whistle escaping his lips as he drinks in the beautiful sight of his girl bent over for him. 
you may be stupid, but you’re his, and as long as that’s the case, you’ll do whatever he wants. daichi silently praises himself for landing such an easy catch as he pulls down his shorts and boxers in one fell swoop, latching his hands onto the meat of your ass. 
you only realise he hasn’t taken your panties off after he slips his cock through the seat. 
“baby!” your whine is shrill, but daichi pays it no mind. “this is my favourite pair! you’re g’na ruin ‘em!”
“i’ll buy you a new pair, doll,” he grunts, slowly moving his hips back and forth. he isn’t inside you but he’s inside your panties, and he relishes in the way the silk rubs against the underside of his shaft whilst your pussy drenches him from above. 
it’s sick. it’s nasty, so much so that daichi tips his head back and groans. 
he pulls backwards, and the girthy veins on his cock drag through your drenched cunt. he pushes forward and his tip just catches your clit, nudging it before meeting resistance at the silk front of your panties. it’s an amazing feeling, and he loses himself to it completely. 
meanwhile, underneath him, you’re mourning the ruin of your favourite g-string, but you can’t ignore the way daichi feels so hot and heavy against your weeping cunt, his tip nudging your clit and making you see stars. “o-oh, baby…”
“what is it, doll?” 
you bite your lip in embarrassment. “might cum soon…”
are you being serious right now? he’s barely done anything, barely even fucked you, yet you’re squirming against him, acrylics digging into your fleshy palms as you squeeze your eyes shut and try to focus on anything but the feeling of his mushroom tip poking at your clit. 
daichi regrets that he can’t be inside you when you cum, but god does he feel it. you let out another shrill whine when you climax, cunt growing ten times sloppier as you push yourself backwards to meet his thrusts. 
“want you- hah- want you to cum in my panties. please, baby.” your eyelids are flickering from overstimulation but you couldn’t care less, your empty brain now filled with the potent need to make your boyfriend cum all over you.
“shit, is that what you want, babydoll? want me to cum all over your favourite pair?” even though he isn’t inside you, daichi swears he can feel your cunt clench, and so he speeds up, tip bumping your overworked clit over and over and over until-
you cum again, but this time it’s even messier than the last time, your juices all but spraying everywhere and staining daichi’s shorts. he pulls out of your panties just in time to jerk himself over the curve of your ass, translucent white ropes of his release painting the hot pink silk of your panties and dripping down in between your thighs. 
he’s lucky enough to catch you just before you crumple to the floor, and as he admires his handiwork, daichi comes up with a wicked idea. 
“don’t wash these, baby. want you to wear them to my next game.” he can almost imagine the silent look of shock forming on your face. 
“for good luck, right?”
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PREVIOUS : BITE ME ft. miguel o'hara NEXT : SURVIVAL ft. sniper mask
liked that? check out the WE'RE SO BACK main masterlist.
© choslut 2024 — do not copy, repost or translate my works without permission. chain divider by @/cafekitsune
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xshimaeraxx · 2 days
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okay ik that the fandom LOVES making logan the one who’s the cat-like mutant in the relationship and i LOVE that and it is so canon but like
hear me out here! catboy!! wade!!
a wade who was a mutant long before francis got his grubby little hands in him, wade who was a mutant but it wasnt crazy regenerative abilities or an inability to stay dead/immortality or super-human strength, but a wade who was (still is) a mutant who had the abilities of a fuckin’ cat
a wade who has semi-night vision, not entirely but good enough to help out on jobs; a wade who has lil pinprick pupils like a cat’s and who hisses damn near 24/7 on bad pain days (bc chronic pain-having wade has my entire heart and i will go to the grave w this hc alr); a wade who purrs when happy or in the middle of slicing someone’s head off during a job; a wade who has a cat’s heightened senses- hearing, sight, taste, smell, all of that; a wade who has a cat’s un-fuckin’-canny ability to jump from heights that would’ve killed a human and have at most a small, gone-in-a-day bruise; a wade who has tufts of kitty-cat fur on his elbows and on + behind his knees
and then francis comes along, and the torture happens, and he loses his looks, and then the fur grows back bc fuck but he’d thought he’d lost his og mutation when francis torture mcgee had triggered this new one, had lost the one thing that ness might still recognise him for,,,
and then the start of d&w happens, and during the birthday scene wade’s purring, happy, quietly (so quietly no one hears it half the time, and when they do they assume it’s the faulty heating of wade & al’s shitass apartment, but ness looks at him with a pleased, proud little smile when the sound starts back up after the others’ initial investigation for the source of the sound proves fruitless and it, he gets louder, purely for the way ness’s smile gets wider, prouder in a way that is purely, unabashedly so ness wade wants to go other and kiss her, right then n there) yes but he’s still purring like he hasn’t since pre-cancer-diagnosis him & ness (and also bc francis’s little angel-killer had found the sound annoying as all hell [bc wade also purrs to self-soothe bc I Say So)and so he’d rarely done so since, half out of new-born habit, half out of some primal, hard-learned fear he still hasn’t managed to completely shake, even years later)
and then the honda odyssey scene happens, and wade’s purring, purring, purring, loud and proud and rumbling and happy and he’s also hissing playfully at logan- a motion logan doesn’t notice due to how distracted he is putting his claws thru wade’s left thigh and christ, kittycat, how long’s it been since you had a good hookup for you to be THIS tense?- and logan only notices after wade’s pinned him and his minorly blood-soaked grin freezes; doesn’t drop, but freezes.
wade’s purr stutters a tad, doesn’t stop. he asks, licking the blood off of his cheek underneath his mask and for some reason logan’s sharp eyes follow what he can see of the movement underneath wade’s mask: what’s wrong, peanut, cat got your tongue?
are you- are you fuckin’ purring? asks logan, and the sound abruptly stops, and then deadpool’s stabbing him through the gut with not one word and then they’re fighting again, and while logan notes the moment to think about later, wade also doesn’t say another word other then excited/frustrated grunts and little “haha!”s for the next half hour, and for some reason that about takes up the majority of logan’s attention until he finally, finally, punches wade’s already-broken nose literally not even a millisecond after he’s broken it hard enough that it actually takes a few seconds for wade’s healing to kick in, and for some reason he feels strangely relived when wade lets out a muffled-by-blood ugh! foulplay, wolvie, foulpla-
logan interrupts him via stabbing wade and a like you don’t play just as foul as i do, bub, and wade stabs back in response with some quippy comment or another, and by then the fight’s back on, deadpool-typical quips and all.
like. when i say catboy wade, here, do you see my vision. do you see what i’m imagining. dO YOU SEE IT I SAY
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featherwurm · 1 day
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Thiking about how the Teif Beef move their tails - Teiflings aren't cats or dogs or snakes or monkeys or anything else... they're people and the ways they move their tails reflect that. Some folks pick up habits from family members (or even the family pet) to express themselves, but it's like trying to quantify hand gestures - it's going to vary region to region, person to person.
Karlach:
Her tail moves a lot, just like her, she thumps it around, waves it when exited, and plays with it when she's bored. Her motions tend to be big and unafraid of taking up space.
a) Dozing off - it's still on the ground.
b) Stimming - she swishes it against a nearby surface, the ground in this case (Tav does the same thing)
c) Holding it still while it's twitching - holding the end of it means the middle of it can still move freely.
d) Lazy stretch - Just a normal little flick because it doesn't hold still long
e) Killing a bug - keeps her sharp
f) Self hug - keeps it out of the way (although this is something she'll usually just do by herself)
Tav:
Tends to be a little more still than Karlach, or at least smaller in her gestures (she's a monk), but she's still expressive with it, and sometimes it has a mind of it's own. She holds it and plays with it a lot too (which her family found rude - but her mentor at the monastery figured out helped her concentrate).
a) Dozing off - also still on the ground, usually the only time it will be flat on the ground unless she's ill
b) Meditation - it's still but she'll have it wrapped around herself or be holding it off the ground
c) Grooving - someone's playing something nice
d) Alert - listening attentively
e) Irritated - tail buzzing
f) Thinking - tapping her tail as she thinks
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bohemianblasphemy · 2 days
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can you write maybe billyxreader where reader finds out he slept with maeve and it bothers them and billy reassures them that it wasn’t serious and he loves reader, and they ask him to prove it.
i love a lil angsty smut ✨
@billybutcherrtrash
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Numb.
That was all that you could feel in that moment. The abundance of tension in that room where the Boys had their meeting was so thick that you could cut it with a knife.
Butcher had dropped some intel for their mission to take down Homelander; the superweapon that had supposedly killed Soldier Boy, as well as a small supply of Temp V.
It was however, when he casually dropped the bombshell of how he got this information, which was in the form of sleeping with Queen Maeve.
“Purely transactional, nothin’ else.” He’d grin, before continuing the meeting as if it didn’t mean anything- especially to you.
Billy was a complicated man- He’s determined to get what he wants, even if it meant to sleep with the enemy.
Nothing could have prepared you for that news, the pressure of his words hung on you like dead weight. Uncertainties filled your mind as you thought about the obvious feelings that you and Billy shared for each other.
“Did what we have matter to him? Or was it just to fill in the void?”
It seemed that everyone besides Butcher, who was still yapping away was focused on you and how you were feeling; sending invisible messages of sympathy and pity toward you as you sat there motionless trying to subdue your pain.
Trying to avert your mind to anything else than what you just heard had proved unsuccessful, the image of him and Maeve burned into your brain.
The day was unbearably long, it was too much for you, choosing to feign illness and left for home early. Butcher saw right through your getaway, knowing deep down why you did.
As night fell, your apartment was quiet. Sitting on your small couch as you looked out the window, ruminating thoughts of his ‘transaction’ still fresh in your head.
Knocking on the door snapped you out of your thoughts as you made your way to look through the peep hole, seeing none other than Billy himself.
A part of yourself wanted to tell him to fuck off, the other begging to open the door. The latter of your thoughts won as you opened the door- Butcher waltzing in without so much as an acknowledgement.
“Well yes, of course come right in!” Your voice oozed sarcasm and annoyance as you shut the door. He snapped around to look at you.
“You ain’t sick, i know that.” he grumbled. “talk to me, i ain’t leavin’ till ya do.” You couldn’t help but scoff, crossing your arms as you stared at him- staying silent as you figured out the words to say.
“Why her, Billy?” you choked on your words, not looking him in the eye. “How could you think that was okay to sleep with someone else?” Butchers expression showed regret and annoyance at himself, punching the bridge of his nose.
“Love, it wasn’t serious. It was just for the job- nothin’ more, nothin’ less!” his voice rose. “you know the shit i gotta do for the Boys.”
“just for the job?! are you serious right now?” you echoed his words, disbelief laced through your tone. “How do you expect me to believe that?”
Silence fell over the both of you, surrounded by uncomfortable tension. “You didn’t think of me at all?” your voice cracked, Butcher looking over at you with a guilt ridden expression as he strides over to you- placing his hands on your shoulders.
“Listen to me.” he looked into your eyes, his gaze piercing through your anger. “I. Love. You. only you, you get me?” He looked for a sign in your eyes, anything to indicate how you felt.
He sighed. “Maeve and I… it was nothin’, she means nothin’ to me. Nothing like how i feel about ya. You’re the only one that matters to me, the only one i want.”
Your heart raced at his words, but the hurt you felt in your heart still lingered.
“Then prove it…”
You challenged, seeing Billy’s eyes widen.
“Show me that i am the only one you love.” you stepped toward him, the short distance closed between you.
“Oh I’ll prove it to ya alright…” he murmured, his voice dropping to a sultry whisper. Before you could even speak his hand reached to the back of your neck, pulling you in for a bruising kiss.
The kiss deepened quickly, his tongue invading your mouth as he backed you up toward the nearest wall; he hands running up under your shirt and pulling it over your head.
Goosebumps formed along your now bare torso, Butchers calloused hands roaming around your body.
“God you’re just… fuckin’ stunning.” he mumbled as his lips attached to your neck and sucking a red mark onto you, making you purr.
His lips trailed further down as he sat on his knees in front of you you, his digits working on the drawstring on your pants as he pulls them down your thighs along with your underwear.
With a swift movement he turns you around, your chest pressed against the wall. His hands running up your thighs, pushing them apart.
“Bend over f’me…” he growled, his voice laced in arousal. Obeying his word, you pushed your hips backward, hands braced against the wall- hearing him groan softly at the sight before him.
You heard him shuffle forward, his large fingers dug into your fleshy backside. “I can’t get enough’f this pussy…” he whispered as he dragged his tongue along your folds, burying his face between your legs.
The sinful mix of your moans and Butchers mouth moving along you filled the room. Your legs shook as Billy continued lapping his tongue on you, occasionally smacking you ass causing you to yelp.
Your orgasm came quickly, Billy’s hands holding you up as your legs shook from the overwhelming pleasure of his skilled tongue. “God lovey, i could taste you for hours…” he chuckled, gently biting your ass cheek as he stood back up behind you, unzipping his jeans.
“I’m gonna make you feel so fuckin’ good love…” you felt him line up with you, moaning as he started to tease your sopping cunt with the tip of his cock before plunging deep inside of you.
Hot breath invaded your ear as you were pounded into from behind, Billy taking a grip of your hair.
“You feel me huh? you feel how f-fuckin’ ‘ard i am f’ya?” he grumbled, grabbing your hips roughly. “It’s all f’you. no one else but you, ya hear me?”
You couldn’t reply, the pleasure was too overwhelming for you. Rough fingers snaked down towards your middle, rubbing your sensitive clit.
You whined at the added sensation as your second release was near, Butcher nearing his as his cock pulsated within your walls.
Heavy groans erupted from behind you, his fingers moving faster as he felt you clench around him. “Fuck Billy!” you cried out, your body convulsing as your orgasm washed over you like a tidal wave. “that’s a good fuckin’ girl, cum on my cock…” he growled in your ear.
His thrusts became sloppier as he came inside you. “fuck… i can’t get over you, my sweetheart…” he praised, turning you around and bringing you in for a passionate kiss.
Pulling away from the kiss he looked you, looking in your eyes - hoping to find a glimpse of convincing you of his love.
Your eyes look at him with a neutral expression.
“As good as that was…” you giggled, moving your mouth closer to his ear.
“it’s gonna take a lot more convincing…”
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googleitlol · 1 day
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If Dove's store went into the Lmk universe/storyline, how whould dove react to Mk? And Wukong being put into another circlet??
I'm sorry for how off the rails this ask is going to get, I'm including a lot of other stuff besides your questions cuz I've already thought about this a lot.
@marcu-bug and I have brought it up to each other before, and in LMK… Dove is reincarnated. Will I explain why?
…Not yet :D
For this, Dove is sort of like a maternal figure to MK (He's got so many dads, why not add a mom friend?). I have a oneshot planned where I'll go more into her character, but I imagine in the lmk universe, she’d be a paramedic that usually stops by Pigsy’s for lunch. Dinner too if she’s had a long day. Which is most days.
She definitely gets a lot of those ‘worried-parent’ feelings around MK and Mei, with how often they go jumping at the chance to do dumb shit. She’s seen a lot of things, but dear lord do those to take the cake for number of calls she’s had to respond to. Actually, that’s probably how she first discovered the noodle shop, responding to a call Pigsy made when Mei took MK for a ride on her motorcycle and they crashed. I imagine like an old bartender, Pigsy would listen to her rants about her shift with Tang enjoying a bowl next to her. Being a paramedic is tough, having her gift is helpful but sometimes Dove is running into hostile situations on the job. Sometimes she sees something that shakes her, but Pigsy and Tang are there to listen at the end of the day. It also helped her to unwind by hearing Tang tell MK all about the Journey to the West and the Monkey King. It'd be a lie to say she wasn't a little intrigued by his stories, just a bit.
She joins the monkie gang when the pilot begins and helps out when she can, and funnily enough, Red Son gets pretty uncomfortable around her. Not that she gets to join her friends too often, and for a very specific reason. Sun Wukong. At first, Dove thinks he's a generally cold guy, he's always on his mountain, doesn't socialize much, and he's pretty standoff-ish around her. But after seeing how he is with MK, she quickly realizes that isn't the case.
Okay, he's just an ass, then. A confusing one, at that.
It seems like Monkey King will do whatever it takes to avoid her, but at the same time, he pushes himself into her life in the most frustrating ways imaginable. Nearly anytime she's invited to do anything fun with her friends or go on any sort of adventure, she gets a call from her building manager that something is leaking in her apartment, or a strange call from her boss asking if she can do another shift last-minute, only for them to be none the wiser about ever asking her to do that. Dove didn't realize who was behind these strange happenings, but when she figured it out, boy was she pissed.
It's not uncommon to see Dove and Wukong arguing, much to MK's dismay. She just doesn't get why he's decided to hate her, he doesn't even know her! One time, he asked her to help a monkey of Flower Fruit Mountain that needed medical help, but when she got there, he left her stranded on the mountain while he went on vacation! Dove couldn't see the mainland for days until MK and Tang visited the mountain for a separate reason about some giant dumpling. It doesn't get much better when the team has to go looking for the Samadhi rings. If anything, it gets worse. Monkey King is so aggravated to even have Dove with them, she'd half-expect that he wanted her left to be frozen in the city with Lady Bone Demon! He doesn't want her anywhere near the ritual where they form the fire. The unfriendly behaviour doesn't stop until, well, Amnesia Rules…
When Monkey King loses his memory and gives her this look of shock, the last thing she expects is for him to scoop her into his arms with the tightest hug she's ever experienced. A flip switched in his attitude towards her, and it's made all the more confusing after he explains that Pigsy is Zhu Bajie and Tang is Tang Sanzang
"Who do you think I am, then?"
"You're my one and only, Love-Dove!"
She's not sure what's worse, that god-awful nickname or the fact that he thinks he's in love with her! Although, as the day goes by… she can't say she's unopposed to seeing this much friendlier side of him. Even if she only got to see it for a little while.
It likely wouldn't be until Wukong is about to face LBD that he finally admits to her why he was so upset about her being there, how she was the reincarnation of his one and only love. A love he lost, in a way that he could only blame himself. He couldn't bear the thought of putting her near harm's way again, not when their mission revolved around a power that was responsible for her past life's death (I might go into it in another ask/post, this is getting long)
After learning all of what they'd gone through in her past life, Dove is… apprehensive, to say the least. Some of his actions from the past, they make sense to her now, but it doesn't make her forgive him completely. Still, she remembers how Sun Wukong was when he had lost his memory… she would like to see that side of him more.
It takes them time to get past their rocky start (these two can never just start off liking each other smh), but in time, Dove starts to see more of that side she'd seen during Amnesia Rules. And she starts to fall for him all over again. He tells her about her past life, their time together on the journey, all of it. He admits how he robbed her of immortality… and how she tricked him into wearing the circlet. Their ups and their downs, he tells her everything. By the time season 5 rolls around, they're happy together. He's even offered her an immortal peach from the tree he's grown on FFM, so that he can finally make up for the mistake he made all those years ago.
Then… Li Jing puts the circlet on Wukong, again.
The moment Dove finds out, she's furious. How could they hurt him like that again?! Wukong tries to put her mind at ease, but it takes a lot to calm her down. "It's fine, Dove… I was honestly pretty disappointed. He put it on and just left, at least you were creative about it back in the day." That night, in the back of Sandy's van, Dove is littering his head in kisses, she can hardly imagine how painful it must feel. You best believe the moment they see Li Jing chasing them, she's aiming whatever she can find straight for his head. If he thinks he can induce some magic migraine on her man like that, she'll find a way to pay back the favour, tenfold. Nobody touches her Sun Wukong but her.
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goodlucktai · 16 hours
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Would you maybe do 8 with Leo talking to Usagi? :D
dialogue prompts
8. “Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do—fuck.”
x
The subway tunnels are dark, half-collapsed, and the purest pitch black. Leonardo’s eyes are hooded white when Usagi sweeps the beam of his penlight towards him. Usagi’s never gotten a straight answer from any of the turtles about what, exactly, they had been genetically modified for in the first place, but he watches Leonardo pass his own light to one of the frightened humans behind him and figures he could add ‘built-in night vision’ to the column of weird abilities he’s seen firsthand proof of. 
The woman takes the light from Leo and passes it to her young daughter, who clutches it like a lifeline. No one from their group makes a sound, hyper-aware that the Krang hounds they barely managed to outrun could make a reappearance at any second. 
“Okay,” Leo says, in that steadfast, fearless tone of voice that made heads swivel from every corner of the room to pay attention when he talked. “Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do—fuck.”
“What?” Usagi blurts, jolting forward. “Leonardo, what?”
He tries to keep the panic out of his voice, for the sake of the humans they had not quite managed to fully save just yet, but he can’t help the way his heart starts to race. Leo doesn’t swear. He never swears. Every time he used to, he would look around guiltily, waiting for his big brother to swoop in out of thin air and scold him— “I don’t care if you’re a hotshot resistance leader,” Raph would say, “you’re still my brat of a baby brother, and I’m still bigger than you.”
But Raph died two years ago, and is no longer around to scold him for it. It didn’t stop Leo’s knee-jerk reaction of looking over his shoulder for him, as if he still might appear. And Usagi knows that hurt him every time. So Leo doesn’t swear. 
For him to break out the big guns, something must really be wrong. Usagi sweeps the light over him, his pulse pounding in his ears, and freezes when he finds what definitely looks like a piece of metal sticking out of Leonardo’s arm. 
Leo tilts away from him, putting the injury in the dark, and says, “Hush, Cottontail. We can’t let the hounds know we’re here.” 
But what was already a tricky situation has become a ticking time bomb. The hounds are nearby, their warbling, high-pitched croons reverberating down the dark tunnels, making it nearly impossible to pinpoint their location by sound. They’ll follow the scent of blood from a quarter of a mile away, like sharks. And Leo’s losing it fast—alarmingly fast. 
He unties his mask from around his eyes and uses his teeth to knot it around his arm instead, tight above the wound. He’s perfunctory and businesslike about it, and when he looks up Usagi knows he’s going to say something horrible.
Sure enough, “I’ll draw them away,” Leonardo says. “Once I do, you get these people to safety. We’re not that far from the safe zone, you’ll make it.”
Only that’s not how it’s going to go. Because Leo’s siblings are waiting for him. Because Mikey still hugs Leo like an octopus any time one of them leaves without the other, every single time, almost thirty years old and made ancient by grief and fear but still very much someone’s baby brother. Because if Usagi goes through with this, he’ll have to look April and Mikey both in the eye when he returns, and he doesn’t have the stomach for that. 
A crooning howl creeps toward them, alarmingly close. The hounds are getting excited, as if they’ve picked up the trail. Usagi shifts one step back, then another. 
Leonardo says, “Don’t. Don’t you dare.” It’s his leader voice, but it doesn’t work on anyone who grew up with him. And they were kids together before the end of the world. 
“Sorry,” he whispers, because he is. If he had a choice, he wouldn’t go. But this—him or Leo—this isn’t a decision that needs to be made. This just is what it is. 
He runs as far as the end of the track, sticks his fingers in his mouth and whistles piercingly, and Leonardo’s stricken face, fuzzy and indistinct just within the range of Usagi’s flashlight, is the last thing he sees before he turns and runs for his life. 
They’ve used these tunnels for training exercises more than once, and that’s the only reason he makes it as far as he does, counting on muscle memory as he sprints and ducks and climbs. He crawls into a pipe just barely big enough for a rabbit yokai, much too small for a Krang hound—but not before he feels the drag of claws in the meat of his calf, not before a cry of pain is wrenched out of him, the immediate sting of the alien toxin setting in like a chemical burn. 
There are four of them screeching and digging at the mouth of the pipe with their horrible hands, and Usagi presses as far back as he can and hopes the metal holds. Hopes Leo got away. Hopes he won’t look over his shoulder for Usagi the way he does for Raph, because that would be—that would be so—
The sun comes out, flooding the tunnel with gold. The hounds shriek and peel away. A familiar, powerful force thrums in the air, like the charge before a lightning strike but consistent. 
Usagi thinks it’s strange to see a sunrise underground, and stranger still to see the sun at all when the sky has been overcast with dust and smoke for years, but it’s nice. It’s warm. 
And then he wakes up, which is super disorienting because he doesn’t remember going to sleep. He’s in the infirmary, the one room in the base guaranteed to have working lights and clean linens. The soft pillow beneath his head feels like a luxury he didn’t do anything special enough to deserve.
There’s a pressure on his hand, and when he looks he discovers Leonardo is holding it while he sleeps on the edge of the bed, slumped forward in his chair. Michelangelo is conked out beside him, his hair doing the funny curly thing it does after he uses too much ninpo, the whole of him blanketed in leftover static electricity. 
On the other side of the bed, April is watching Usagi with brown eyes that see everything. 
“That was close,” she says. “I don’t need to tell you that.”
No, she doesn’t. The memories limp and crawl back, and Usagi rips his eyes away from Leo’s face. He looks stressed even when he’s sleeping. Usagi contributed to those lines under his eyes, the chasm between his brows. It doesn’t feel good to know that. 
“I won’t ask you for a miracle,” April murmurs, “because that isn’t fair. But—it feels like I’m holding onto him by a thread sometimes. And I know Angie isn’t gonna let him out of his sight again for at least a week. Usagi, he can’t lose anybody else, okay? He can’t.”
The distress in her voice triggers something in Usagi that just bleeds, all through his ribcage, all through his heart. 
“I know,” Usagi whispers. He really does know. Donatello’s funeral was three months ago, and it still feels like they’re walking through a minefield. They’re balancing on a tightrope. Leonardo hasn’t laughed once since he buried his other half. 
“So just,” April says, “come home, okay? No matter what, make sure you come home.”
“I promise,” Usagi says, and holds his free hand out to her. She clasps it, and her fingers are human, the shape of them entirely different, but they have had a decade to make the gesture familiar and second nature. She’s his sister, as much as she’s Leo’s and Mikey’s, and Usagi would do anything she asked of him. 
So he keeps that promise for a long time. But he doesn’t keep it forever. 
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moodymelanist · 3 days
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Nothing But Treble
happy day 3 of @nessianweek! I didn’t quite finish this in time but I thought it would be a fun little drabble anyway. if anyone wants me to complete this… you know where to find me!
Summary: Cassian manages to piss off the prettiest flute player he’s ever seen.
Word Count: ~400 words
Read on AO3 here!
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Cassian
“Do you not know what pianissimo means?”
Cassian looked up from his sheet music to see the most gorgeous woman he’d ever seen staring daggers at him from the row in front of him. She’d turned halfway around in her seat to talk to him, her silver flute resting at textbook attention on one of her perfect thighs, and if he didn’t believe in love at first sight, then holy shit did he now.
“Huh?” Cassian managed to get out. Her eyes were so mesmerizing, especially now that they were narrowed at him.
“Everybody’s sheet music,” she said slowly, like she was talking to a child, “says pianissimo. As in quiet.”
“Okay,” he said back just as slowly. She was so beautiful that he’d probably agree to anything she had to say to him, and if she looked this gorgeous under the shitty lighting in the orchestra rehearsal room, he could only imagine how lovely she’d look with the sun shining in her hair to bring out more of the gold amongst the brown strands.
“So if you understand that,” she replied, staring down her nose at him before motioning to his trumpet, “why in God’s name do you keep blasting that thing right into my ear?”
“Maybe I wanted you to turn around and yell at me,” he responded with an easy grin.
She scowled at him. “If you wanted my attention, there are far less irritating ways to get it.”
“Like what?”
“Like using my name, for starters.”
“I would do that if I knew it.”
“Nesta,” Nesta told him with a roll of her eyes. Cassian just grinned back at her, unable to help himself now that he knew her name. “Now stop blasting that thing like you don’t know what dynamics mean.”
“Cassian,” Cassian introduced himself back. He raised his trumpet before adding, “And no promises.”
Nesta heaved a heavy sigh before whipping around in her chair, momentarily dazing him as the scent of her perfume — or maybe her hair products? — blessed his nostrils. Between her pointed glare, the perfect way she was holding her flute, and the way she hadn’t hesitated in turning around to tell him off, Cassian could tell he was in for something special.
What it was, he wasn’t quite sure of yet. All he knew was that it was going to be a beautiful semester.
tag list: @perseusannabeth | @bookstantrash | @fieldofdaisiies | @goddess-aelin | @c-e-d-dreamer | @talkfantasytome | @whyisaravenlike-awritingdesk | @sv0430 | @talibunny30 | @unlikelypersonalknight1 | @champanheandluxxury | @lilah-asteria | @burningsnowleopard | @sayosdreams | @readskk | @simpingfornestaarcheron | @bellaful08 | @readergalaxy | @podemechamardek | @pearlfortears | @nerdperson524 | @jmoonjones | @kale-theteaqueen | @autumnbabylon | @hiimheresworld | @illyrianshadowhunter | @dustjacketmusings | @live-the-fangirl-life | @that-little-red-head | @sweet-pea1 | @brieq | @queercontrarian | @jsmelodies | @afflicted-with-wanderlust
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crimsoncold · 3 days
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Just me reflecting on Sansa Stark, her Show Character Arc, and how one aspect of the show that I was critical of (some of the later costume design choices for Sansa and what they meant for her character arc and what they indicate about the attitudes of the writers) in turn helped inspire my art...
So I've been working on an art piece on and off since February and it might just be my favorite portrait I've ever done-both for how it turned out and for the inspiration behind it...
Before I started this piece I was dwelling a bit on my dissatisfaction with some of D&D's handling of this character in the later seasons... and soon came about the desire to do a portrait that incorporates the intensity, strength, and resilience of Sansa Stark while still getting to embrace and maintain some of the general softness, feminity, and romanticism that characterized her appearance and personality in the book and earlier seasons of the show...
It always seemed shitty to me that the show felt it had to squash out any traditionally feminine or more girly aspects of her appearance and personality to show that she should be taken seriously as a character
....As though these aspects are some sort of flaw Sansa had surpassed and that erasing her "softer" traits is some powerful cumulation or amazing visual cue for her character arc.... "Look she dresses all in black... she doesn't need or trust anyone...she put away all her childish dreams and hopes...doesn't she finally seem like a real stark....isnt she now so gritty and impressive - isn't this the best sort of ending/arc for Sansa!"
In reality this trope is lazy, over done, and reeks of underlying misogyny (Sansa was hardly the only character to get- or suffer from- this visual treatment in the later seasons of Game of Thronew but I'd argue that for her this choice was distinctly disappointing and had some important consequences/implications for her character arc)
Sansa’s biggest strength should have always remained her ability to maintain her kindness and compassion despite the horrors and mistreatment she experienced... and a satisfying arc should have involved her having the ability to demonstrate both her natural empathy and the burgeoning ability to apply said compassion in a more careful and considered manner which would live up to the values of her parents/family and ensure that the north (after experiencing such immense betrayal chaos and hardship) once again thrives under a just and fair ruler.
So I wanted to make a portrait of that would embody the sort of ending/arc (and be the sort of tribute) I think she deserves... (that the unfinished book series has not provided and that she certainly did not get in the tv series)
Looking at the core of this character and the ways the writing/narrative of the show ultimately let her and the audience down I have the following thoughts...
Sansa is strong enough to face and outlast every villain who targeted her family and tried to manipulate and use her as a child...
....Fierce enough to rally support to reclaim her ancestral home and land
... determined enough to hold Winterfell and the North's independence against any invader that wished to subjugate them...
....who- in a manner deserving far more praise than it gets-kept her integrity compassion even when at her most powerless and vulnerable...
... whose love of stories and songs or even beautiful dresses is not something that deserved erasure or ridicule
...who had hopes and dreams about family, marriage, motherhood, and being reunited with her siblings that despite how hard life - and the showrunners- tried to stomp out of her actually deserved to evolve into something grounded and real ... (fulfilled in winterfell with a worthy partner rather than being abandoned entirely as she is left isolated in the north without any of her surviving kin).
The sort of ending I want for the QITN is one celebrating her survival, her resilience, and strength of character... as well as rejoicing and still embracing who she is as a person... including her more traditional and feminin interests/hobbies/appearance, her hopes and dreams for her future and family, and her inherently compassionate nature (which is a strength all on its own).
Ned Stark's daughter, the blood of Winterfell, who will rule the north with the reverent support of her people, with an incredible mix of ferocity in the face of adversity and compassion in the face of need, who will not stand idly by and let vultures pick away at her remaining family, (or fall for any of the bullshit spewed out from an invading conquerer and their yes men advisors)...
...all the while she should still get to eat lemoncakes, sew, listen to stories, sing songs, experience love and family with her siblings and one day through her marriage and children, while she still gets to wear whatever fucking beautiful dress she wants 💙
And while this portrait may not cover every aspect of her ending that I hope she gets in the books and wished she got in the show- i'll save those aspects for my other sansa (or jonsa) centric art pieces- I am satisfied that it managed to captured some of her determination and strength while also presenting her in a way that does not judge or erase her more feminine characteristics.
Now For anyone who decided to read through my very rambly thoughts thank you and have a little glimpse at what the ongoing process has been like for this portrait as a treat...
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- Crimson Cold
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donaviolet · 2 months
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Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps
#SHES AMAZING I LOVE HER AHHHHH#I hope we manage to find a cute bsd pfp it would be literally my dream#little vent tw!!#it's been so long since I matched pfps last time was with my ex who started being wayyyyy too weird..#and the other time was with a friend who started ghosting me some months later just because I didnt give her enough adopt me pets or smth 💔#and like. her stopping talking to be literally broke me as a person. it was devastanting for like 13yo me#woahhh thank you k. now I have social anxiety and keep dobting whether people really want me there or not#I still have a sort of love hate relationship w her but like its been over 2 years maybe 3 why do I still care abt it sm :<#especially since our other bestie is wayy more affectionate w k than w me it just makes me feel so weird like im sort of a 3rd wheel#but at least the friend im gonna match with is the sweetest person ever and we can be silly together :333#unfortunately we only know eachother from a course so we always have to wait 2 weeks to see eachother#and even tho i still see k almost every day shes pretty different now#but ive been feeling so so happy the last few days since school started and im afraid I might go back to being how I was when she returns#because. I bet my two friends will keep being silly together and ill have to sit w my ex again cuz hes still part of our friend group#I mean hes a nice and funny guy but I figured that a relationship wont work with us. I tried it and I just wanna be friends#I have a lot of fun w him but like in a platonic way#and im afraid he still thinks we should be together#meanwhile my besties keep flirting w eachother like??#I mean its pretty funny as a joke but I cant help but feeling kinda jealous especially because I used to have a huge crush in one of them#talked a bit too much ooopssss#Im just trying to move on but I hope k coming back doesnt start everything over again#anyways!! I love my bestie from the course smmmmmm Im still so so happy :D wish we could see eachother more#random stuff#chaos#friendship#violet rambles
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aelswiths · 4 months
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this shot haunts me
#the look on her face as she listens to alfred say that his time would be worthless if his work doesn't continue#and the way that she wants to console him and help him but also is hurt because he's telling this to someone else#he's revealing his deepest fears and vulnerabilities and she's just there on the outside#she's only able to ever look from the outside#only able to get these glimpse through accidents like this#kept at arms length even though she would do anything for him and the way you can see the heartbreak and anguish in her face#and this is before she really knows that its uhtred that he's talking to#g o d#also disclaimer#I do think its easier for alfred to tell uhtred all of this because to alfred all of this is an act to manipulate uhtred#he's telling uhtred all of this so that uhtred will feel important and thus feel compelled to do as alfred wishes - serve edward#alfred can't tell aelswith these things because that means he'd have to be vulnerable to her#and he can't do that because then he'd also have deal with hurt he has caused her#he would have to deal with that and he can't because he's not certain of her forgiveness (even though she will always forgive him)#and he can't bare the thought that she doesn't forgive him#anyway#a n y w a y#I'll save the rest of this essay for another day#moral of the story#I love them#I'm obsessed with them#they drive me insane#the miscommunication between them and the fear of rejection and the insecurities are just sooooooooo compelling
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juniestar · 3 months
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Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE
#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night#im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an#d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me#mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi#tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon#d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not#to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time#his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie#ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told#to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA#times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses#to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to#a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what#he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p#rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go#into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are#not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee#n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro#ving that right all the time#it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts#oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac#he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from#our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud
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kits-ships · 1 year
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hey tell my why, looking at my f/o list, every one of these bitches are renegades
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kavehater · 5 months
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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slippery-minghus · 6 months
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hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.
and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.
i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.
where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).
but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?
#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady#but i don't ACT on it#and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human.#and at work we're stuck together#the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness#that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever.#bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't#i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention#i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you#you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it#it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments#to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy#and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you#that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit#like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to#modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind#and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill#3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO.#i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen#and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way#and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her!#'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!!#and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused??#like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ?#personal#*exhales* okay i feel better now#i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!!#but until i process it i can't let go#and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow#it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!
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pepprs · 1 year
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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
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