#(not that) incorrect quotes

[leo-artista]

Incorrect quotes ft. Stan twins

[unsung-idiot]

Stan was not prepared

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Bruce: Today I realised I'm old

Clark: What happened?

Bruce: I fell in the kitchen and instead of laughing, all my kids came running to see if I was ok

Clark:

Bruce: I saw fear in their eyes

[fandom--incorrect--quotes]

Marcille: so what’s for d-

Laios, already grabbing the nearest monster:

[everwalldigan]

Bruce: who are you? A new crime lord?

Jason: *takes off his helmet*

Bruce: *squints suspiciously* a new crime lord who looks like a grown up version of my dead son?

Jason: *sighs in annoyance and forces a bright smile*

Bruce: JASON THE NEW CRIME LORD???

[ahfrickenfrick]

vicki vale: and what do you have to say about the rumors that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person?

12 year old, newly appointed robin, jason todd: ??? that would be really weird cause i’ve literally seen them kiss before??

bruce: *in the Wayne tower, popping up from his paperwork* …something just happened…

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[bisexualvader]

[bruciemilf]

Bruce: I know it’s hard, but you must remain forgiving and merciful, Jason.

Tim, who had to watch Bruce skin a man alive like a piece of salmon with a batarang for saying something rude about his then deceased son, throw him in the back of the Batmobile, and drive him to the hospital just to beat him up again:

[traveller-of-the-knight]

*ok, but what is Jake's stragle?*

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

Robin!Jason: I wonder if different brands of shampoo taste different

Dick: They do

Jason:

Dick:

Jason:

Dick: Wait, ask me again and I'll hesitate before answering this time.

[offical-absolute-supes]

Bruce: Damian care to explain why Dick is covered in blue highlighter ink?

Damian *who's holding said blue highlighter*: it's because he's important. I'm supposed to highlight only the important stuff.

Dick *who's face is covered in blue highlighter while also trying not to cry*: YoU tHiNk iM iMpOrTaNt?

Bruce: you can't just color on his face Damian

Dick *actually crying now*: he said I'm important-

[incorrectbatfam]

Dick: The real reason Howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion.

Jason: This sounds like a joke but I read the book. This is the literal reason.

[confused-wanderer]

Dick: Hey Bart! How’s it hanging?

Kid Flash: We accidentally travelled back in time like ten years or so

Dick: what else is new

Kid flash: .. Tim ran into his younger self

Dick:

Tim *walking past them and muttering under his breath*

Tim *mimicking*: Look at me! I’m so young and dumb! Such an annoying kid my god no wonder our parents were always trying to get away

Dick:

Tim *mimicking*: I’m so happy I’m smiling!

Kid flash: He-

Tim: Just suffer like the rest of us you coward

Tim *mimicking*: That’s not fair!

Tim: oh! Look at that! LIFE’S not fair dumbass

Dick:

Tim: Waah I’ve been hurt! I want love! Please don’t leave me!

Tim: Fool. Shut up and carry on with that pain in silence like the rest of us. Pathetic I was never like that . People are overrated and crying is underrated.

Tim *mimicking*: Oh! Batman’s awesome! And so is Robin!

Tim: Batman’s a goddamn idiot. Robin.. well okay true for the first one. But the second? The second one is a BITC-

[illusionremember]

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.