#(and I never knew that much to start with tbh)
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Ooh! I'm super late to respond to this, but I love the question :) Unnecessarily long reply incoming.
I think that a canon-compliant argument could be made for basically any answer to this question, on both the "when did Sirius find out" axis and the "how much did Sirius know" axis of the hypothetical graph. (Which is my favorite kind of canon ambiguity, tbh, because I love being surprised by different takes).
That said, one headcanon of mine that I'm quite fond of rests on the idea that Sirius knew everything that James knew — and that James knew 100% of it — basically from the time that the Potters went into hiding.
Because, if (1) Sirius did know the entire text of the prophecy, and (2) Dumbledore's biggest priority in OoTP is to hide that text from Voldemort, then Dumbledore's adamance that Sirius not leave Grimmauld Place makes a lot more sense.
Per Sirius:
"I've been stuck inside for a month...Because the Ministry of Magic's still after me, and Voldemort will know all about me being an Animagus by now, Wormtail will have told him, so my big disguise is useless."
The Ministry of Magic never learns that Sirius is an Animagus, as far as I can tell. (Maybe there's a risk that someone like Malfoy might tip them off? But he never actually does.). And Sirius has demonstrated that he can successfully evade the Ministry in his dog form for two years prior to OoTP — even before allies like Kingsley and Tonks are available to help him out by misdirecting other Aurors. The major threat preventing Sirius from going on Order missions as a dog, then, seems to be the Death Eaters, not the Ministry.
But Death Eaters are a threat to any member of the Order of the Phoenix, not just Sirius! Maybe he's slightly more at risk than others because of the way he's been marginalized by society — the mysterious death/disappearance of Ministry employee Kingsley Shacklebolt, for instance, might be harder to keep secret than the murder of a fugitive — but Voldemort did show that he was willing to kill Order members when Nagini attacked Arthur Weasley. So why should Dumbledore single Sirius out so completely? Why prioritize Sirius's safety over literally any other contribution that he could make to the Order, when other members are also facing risks to their lives?
(This is also where I notice that Dumbledore's insistence on keeping Sirius in hiding doesn't start right away after Voldemort's return. He's perfectly willing to ask Sirius to seek out "the old crowd" at the end of GoF, even though Wormtail has had a year to tell Voldemort everything he knows by this point, including the details of Sirius's Animagus form. The decision to confine Sirius indoors happens sometime after the Order begins to regroup — quite possibly around the same time that Dumbledore learns that Voldemort is after the prophecy.)
Considering the close attention Voldemort pays to Harry's personal ties, it's very plausible to me that Wormtail told Voldemort everything he knew about Sirius, including the fact that he was James Potter's closest confidant. From this, Voldemort might surmise that Sirius knows the text of the prophecy and target him as a result. (Or, even if Voldemort doesn't specifically target Sirius, a random incident resulting in his capture could yield the text of the prophecy through Legilimency if Sirius does happen to know it). If so, Dumbledore's insistence on keeping Sirius inside Grimmauld Place at all times could be read as a direct response to this risk.
I don't think that this take even requires a terribly Machiavellian read of Dumbledore in order to work: if Sirius knows the text of the prophecy, and is at high risk as a result, then hiding Sirius from Voldemort — aside from being essential to the Order's aims — could also be an honest attempt to "[try] to keep Sirius alive," as Dumbledore tells Harry at the end of the book.
Everything mentioned above can absolutely be explained in other ways, of course, but I do think this possibility is quite fun. Loved seeing all of the competing reads too!
When do you think Sirius learned about the prophecy?
I think Dumbledore didn’t tell the Potters much—I think he would’ve kept the most important details to himself. I say this because Voldemort didn’t know the whole prophecy despite having Peter as a spy. If James trusted Peter enough to use him as Secret Keeper, he probably would have shared the knowledge of the prophecy with Peter. And since Voldemort didn’t know the whole thing, we can trust that Peter must not have known it all.
James probably would have shared what he knew with Sirius, but what parts were missing?
I sort of wonder if Dumbledore shared more with Sirius during OotP? But how much?
Clearly, by OotP, he knew there was a prophecy obviously, but how much did he actually know? Did he know the last bit?
Basically, I wanna see that conversation.
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au Impa 👁️💧
#legend of zelda#zelda au#loz au#zelda oc#zelda#impa#loz impa#zelda fanart#daeyumi art#character design#cycle of the stars#cycle of the stars au#legend of zelda au#impa’s design was the easiest to come up with tbh#like fr ever since i decided to include her as one of the main charas in my au i pretty much knew what she would look like#& actually the 3/4ths view of impa at the top of this sheet is just a colored ver of my very first sketch of her#(i think i drew that sketch in like 2021 but didn’t rly get started on the au proper til late last year#& her ref sheet i drew this year#oh well i was never planning on rushing anything since the au is just smthn i wanna explore for fun#anyways i always liked the idea of a sheikah with their tattoos on half their face idk why i just thought it would be cool#OH & since it’s not explicitly mentioned on the ref sheet impa’s partner is zelda 🩷
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Thanks for thinking of me! ___________ いつもリブログありがとです!
thank you for the drawing! your kirby is very cute <3
絵をありがとう!あなたのカービィはとてもかわいいです ❤️
#kirby#daily kirby#my art#not my art#0o-kamenozoki-o0#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#asks answered#I have been too sick to practice any japanese at all for several years so I hope I picked the right words >n<#(and I never knew that much to start with tbh)#but it seems only fair that I make the effort too.#this made me very happy to see in my inbox thank you!#(I have no confidence at all in my ability to translate that thought though lol)
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Reading shit comics kind of sucks but at least I get the satisfaction of proving my own point w this
#like damn if i really was 100% right about this before i even knew what i was talking about#anyways one of the many many problems with new 52 wonder woman is the fact that diana isnt religious enough#also that azzarello and chiang are incapable of imagining a feminist utopia which is the original genre that wonder woman comics were based#in in the same way that batman for example is connected to the noir genre. and the mythological aspects of the og wonder woman comics were#in fact a common framing aspect of the feminist utopia genre of the progressive era (with many of the deeper greek mythology aspects being#established as the foremost ww genre later on)#anyways this failure to understand this layering of genres in the ww mythology i believe is the principle contributor of why this run which#is popular with many and has such a footprint in other more mainstream media is hated by so many longtime wonder woman fans in that it not#only neglects but actively goes against key parts of her premise#a comparison could be made to a superman run that is heavily based in science fiction and exploring deep sci fi genre plots without any#understanding by the creators of why it matters that superman is champion of the oppressed and disrespecting that core part of him by in#some ways making him actually go against that in service of the high sci fi genre plots and conflict#and then ofc to translate better in this reality this run would function like a can of worms in that while dc in comics would eventually#course correct back to the base version the public opinion would become divided and especially adaptations would need all the canon changes#from that run torn viciously out of their hands bc they refuse to LET IT GO#anyways yeah teehee i swore to someone id never read it but i needed it for fic research purposes unfortunately so i started it. only read 6#issues but meh. first one wasnt terrible tbh id read worse but after that i got much more unhappy#anyways they simply dont understand why people like the amazons or why people should like the amazons. which again is like half the freaking#point bc like. feminist utopia genre. but i digress#its bad but its bad in a way that proves me right about why its bad so at least theres that#someday when i post my rebirth ww fic ill post the analysis of nu52 ww and the comparison to the beat movement/ginsberg that ive got in my#drafts. finally get that A in comic book literary analysis#blah
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Looking back, the way Garroth was acting in the last episodes of season one of diaries was ridiculous. Like, you're a grown ass man WHY are you, as the head guard, sulking in your room all day just because you saw the girl you've liked for literally 2 months kiss another guy when your village is on the brink of war???
#the pyre#in retrospect this is when the Garroth/Laurence character assassination really started#like the last 20 eps of mcd or atleast the eps after they get back from the wolf village quest#are my favorite in the entire series but I've never actually properly rewatched them#I usually get to ep 70 and then drop my rewatch bc something else came up#I haven't watched these eps since they first aired 9 years ago#and it's so crazy how much I'd changed bc middle school me probably felt bad for Garroth#but adult me is kinda resenting him and wondering how this manchild was ever my favorite character#like I used to hate Laurence and his fans and his ship with aphmau that until I rewatched diaries as an adult#I didn't fully appreciate his character#in retrospect he was prob the best option for aphmau or at least he was until he became weirdly possessive in season 2 lol#like I said charcater assassination bc now in ep 95 he's taken the role of head guard bc Garroth is throwing a tantrum#and he's not using his newfound power to make aphmau feel like she owes him or smth like that#which is a very low bar but this is str8 romance it was only ever going to have a very low bar#but this laurence is v different from season 2 laurence but tbh I never rewatch season 2 bc I hate it#so I can only think of it the same way that pessimistic middle school me who already knew that diaries would never be as charming as it was#in season one but I still watched anyway bc I wanted to see those small garroth moments#I was watching a ytube video about romantasy and honestly if jess wrote mcd as a book series#you couldn't tell me she wouldnt be popular#all this feels very melodramatic ya fantasy post twilight book to me
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Mitsugi squatting everywhere is the only highlight of this damn game
#paradise vn#pil/slash#blvn#AND I THOUGHT MATSUDA'S ROUTE WAS FRUSTRATING#I THOUGHT MATSUDA WAS ANNOYING!!!#takara is literally just a spoilt rich kid i can't fucking stand him adzuvivefnjn#ugh i usually like to keep the best for last so it's damn annoying when the 'true' route is shit#looking at you fujieda#haven't finished it yet but i got both bad ends and rn azuma just told matsu and mitsu what happened on the island#okay so everyone's ancestors were on the island at some point and fought against the takaras#who have then been monitoring their enemies' descendants/killing them off#they have control over the fucking hospital and with how much details takara knew of azuma's past i'm assuming they straight up had cameras#dunno how far it'll go with the 'superhuman' strength bullshit and the takaras needing to eat human flesh#like if it's gonna be straight up fantasy or a bit more 'realistic' with like genetic mutations from their ancestors being fucking cannibal#even though ~100 years isn't that long ago#unless that family was fucked up even before takara's (great?) grandpa's era#anyway at this point i don't really care about the story anymore#that route kinda ruined it for me tbh#like i guess it was obvious since the beginning with a whole boat never showing up#but i don't particularly like when it just turns out everything was being controlled by some big bad ultra powerful organization#and that 'everything was decided when you were born' and shit#i was hoping for smth a bit more organic when i started playing#like mitsugi's and matsuda's routes were fine if i ignore the hints of 'big bad ultra powerful organization'#i'll just have to wipe takara's route from my brain i guess
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I suspect it’ll take me a hot second before I can get this sketch right, so here is the wip just for fun hehe
#I’m putting it here bc I have sooooo many in progress doodles and drawings so I’m gonna post one of them here lol#just for funsies#(if u see this ignore the line weight situation and the height situation)#again idk what I’m doing. but it’s something#they're sitting at the roundtable probably. legislating. idk I'm not a monarch#also I’m having sooo much fun colouring in Guinevere rn#I always tell myself I’ll start colouring after finalizing the actual sketch but then I start colouring before it's done anyway#(yes it’s a whole mess... adjusting things becomes a real pain)#but oh well that’s the uh. fun of it?#anywhoways. idk why merlin looks like that but I'M WORKING ON IT. gonna see if I can find a reference#also I have drawn merlin without a starry robe for once. gasp!! the jacket+tunic+neckerchief combo got to me again#I just think it’s so iconic tbh tbh. it’s why merlin never changed his outfit it’s bc he knew it too#merlin#gwen#my art
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Let him call, because again, Agasa was the one who set up this secret, he should be the one defending it. Again, the parent shows up out of the blue here, but I kinda wish they didn't. Because Shinichi's the protagonist, he has to deal with everything in the end, but I want Agasa to be confronted. Have him make up more lies. Bring in the parents slower, have them contact Kogoro to arrange for Conan to stay long term and work out payment. Ran asks about the parents and Kogoro is like 'oh it's fine, they're covering his stay', and Conan's going '...? ???????'. Agasa denies having anything to do with it on Yuusaku's orders. Conan frets about it for a while and they actually see how he'd react to potential unknown danger. And then spring the 'kidnap him' trap to fully show him what could possibly happen.
But I guess just 'kidnap him and potentially give him a heart attack to prove that death is a real possibility' without any setup or warning is fine, too, sure.
#ch 49#vol 5#I actually don't mind the kidnapping as much as many other people#But now I've made a more fleshed out scenario in my head that I'm sad isn't how this goes#But mostly I just want more acknowledgement that Shinichi never set up any of the identity drama#Agasa made up the story; he's the one who put secrecy in Shinichi's mind; and if there's any poking at the story; Agasa should be defending#Instead he just sits at home not having to deal with anything except occasional vents from Shinichi#And I guess fiddle with gadgets that might help#But really he was just 'oh you shrunk; well that sucks but no you're not staying with me; go with Ran'#Like; I know he justifies it with Ran's dad running an actual detective agency and thus can potentially get criminal info#But lbr; both of them knew that Kogoro wasn't going to get anything useful from where he was at the time#And even if he told Shinichi to increase Kogoro's reputation; there wasn't any planning on how to make that happen#Which almost got Shinichi killed /immediately/ after getting shoved onto Ran#Agasa doesn't even know about that near-death experience; and it would 100% be his fault tbh#Many times Shinichi was going to die would be because of Agasa insisting on secrecy and giving Shinichi the responsibility-#Wait; no; hold on; he might have not actually been trying to help Shinichi hunt for the org#He might have just shoved him into a place he was relatively certain would be safe#And told Shinichi he could just make Kogoro famous if he wanted to put the detective in a position to get info#/But he wasn't actually supposed to be able to do it - Shinichi wasn't supposed to succeed at doing that/#He was sent into hiding with a former cop; Agasa probably didn't realize he'd actually be in the fringes of BO activity#Or that Shinichi is just /that/ reckless when it came to crime solving#It was supposed to be a placebo while he and probably the parents tried to think about what to do#But Shinichi not only gets very close brushes with death on a regular basis#He can't even keep up the kid act with Ran and needs help#Agasa took his eyes off the teen child for two seconds and found that he started a bonfire of danger somehow#(Look at that; yes; I /can/ think myself in many circles to make almost anything justified)
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hang on are cougars like panthers
#'the cougar also known as the panther' SCREAM#dont mind me rewatching carmilla as a side effect of my newfound interest in vampires#you'd think it was renewed interest in vampires but no#i actually have never been all that interested in vampires as their own thing i was just gay#and i dont think carmilla really explored the concept itself#like A* in using the medium. D or whatever in exploring their subject matter#actually tbf their subject matter was lesbianism so. again probably an A. they knew what they wanted and they did it well#idk how letter grades work tbh#also not actually sure how much they got into the vampire thing which is why im rewatching to check#bc i was reading iwtv and i was like damn carmilla left stuff on the table#but i also think a lot went over my head#even just english wise im a little stunned at how much i didnt catch. like i was fluent in 2015 for sure but. you do keep learning words#also carmilla is like a popculture remix and i dont have a lot of popculture knowledge so a lot of that went over my head too#now i have just enough to know that im missing a lot#like theres a line in s1 where laura goes 'im living with a vampire. an honest to lestat vampire' and like. never caught that#bc i didnt know how the fuck that was fhkjghgh#but anyway im watching s2 and laura's like 'vampire seductress here is just crabby bc im not falling for her 17th century idea of game'#and like they keep calling armand Ancient right? but carmilla is not much younger#just the difference in framing is what made me start thinking abt it all#like carmilla is 400smth and laura is aware abt that to joke abt it and probably thinks it's a little hot but then you think abt how they#depict that kinda age with armand like what he says to madeleine. 'how do you go on when everything from your era is gone'#and sure carmilla has that loneliness but DAMN. like fuck. shes been doing this same trick. being like the abigail hobbs to the dean for#centuries? i mean there was that century or idk how long where she was buried alive or whatever. but THAT TOO#like damn fuck!!!!!!!!!! ive been going through the fanfic again this week and like there really isnt much#at least doesnt seem to be much that explores this. unless it's in all the aus bc i filtered those out (and still got them)#also interesting difference is if i remember correctly the hollstein happy ending is that carmilla becomes human#in iwtv of course like every important relationship is between vampires. and every lover turns vampire. and every vampire is a lover#sorta. bc abuse themes and stuff. so the inversion makes sense but wouldnt it have been kinda cool if she turned laura tho#anyway. can you believe they were like 'well shes a cougar thats her job and also her supernatural power' dhfkhjgkh as i said: A*
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okay wait I'm writing an actual post so I can start handling all these emotions
#in the tags#because I am extremely aware of the privilege involved in buying extra content and even getting it shipped so fast#if seeing madison/kickstarter talk bothers you feel free to ignore this post! it'll likely be my last one on the subject.#but the thing is: three and something years ago I was deeply depressed and confined to my house because of covid#I hadn't been active in any fandoms in 3-4 years at that point and I started to think I'd never feel this passionate again#and then I read omgcp in a fit of insomnia one night#and then waited with baited breath for the last episode to go up so I could write a completley canon compliant madison fic#I spent six months obsessively writing it.#it was my first long fic in 5-6 years and working on it honestly - genuinely - dragged me out of that bad place.#when I posted it I knew one day it'd be jossed by canon madison but I was so okay with it. I couldn't WAIT#and tbh I thought it'd happen much sooner than it did#but now we're finally here and it weirdly feels like a big moment for me#like a: look where we were and where we're at now kind of moment. like a: end of an era kind of moment.#by no means the end of my omgcp era#but I think a part of me just felt unfinished as long as this moment was still unfulfilled#anyway. if you were here when I was completely new to this fandom and just started talking about that 2015 summer nonstop#just know you were a major part of my mental health journey during covid and that I appreciate it so fucking much#rip madison fixation 👋 you've served me well#text
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I think it's a hatecrime against me that there aren't any slugs as big as the giant African snail. Why do the snails get to have all the fun I just want a giant slime noodle.
#I don't want to keep a snail as a pet because theyre kinda prone to shell injuries#and then they die. id be in a constant state of stress#i can't have tarantulas even though i really want to for the same reason - spiders molt and they can actually fuck up#and they fuck up kinda frequently. and if they fuck up they die#because they either tear off their organs in an attempt to free themselves or they essentially turn themselves to stone#or they suffocate. i know that I'd be extremely stressed every da#id be like 'what if it happens what if they fuck up molting i have to stand here on guard in case they start molting and mess up'#because sometimes if you're really fucking lucky you CAN manage to save them. but you have to#be there on time and you have to pray. because its much easier for you to kill them than save them#and i would never forgive myself for that#in general it's very stressful for me to keep pets who don't have very clear signals of joy and displeasure/pain because i#constantly worry about possibly taking bad care of them and them being unhappy#i loved my hamster but i did breathe a breath of relief when she died of old age because every day with her was just#so unbelievably stressful for me. i wouldn't help but be preoccupied with trying to figure out if i was doing something incorrectly#if i was a bad foster parent to her if she was content etc etc#she was a great hamster but the experience was very much 0/10 for me i would never own a hamster again#in the same vein i probably couldn't have a tarantula due to this as well.#plus tbh I didn't even want a hamster my parents got her for me because they wanted me to feel obligated not to kill myself#they said that if i killed myself they wouldn't care for her and she'd die so i had to stay alive.#a part of me knew they were bullshitting but it still freaked me out super hard and made me unimaginably anxious about#getting run over or anything happening to me and paradoxically that made me even more suicidal and depressed#didn't help that my mother didn't even believe in her own plan and accused me of planning to kill myself AND my hamster#she accused me of that several times. I've always had a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting animals so it#made me break down and self harm every time. obviously that made my mother even angrier and many a time it led to#her accusing me of being a danger to her and others#if she felt particularly hysterical she screamed i was just like my father and that she feared me as much as she had feared him#when he still had a gun. you can imagine how that made me feel considering i jsed to have nightly night terrors about my father#killing my mother.
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the 'clark has father issues' development over the years has been catastrophic
#man went from like 'Yeah Im super unbothered by that idiot B)' to like#no. no you have attachment and abandonment issues because of that fucker#and ur constantly scared of becoming this man you never even knew#hate to see it tbh but not surprised lmAO.#long term ocs are so cool tho because like you dont really have this stuff go down until you start fleshing#aspects of a muse out you hadnt initially. like clark and his feelings towards his father were never something i put much thought into#beyond surface level for YEARS but once i did it's like. oh no. oh yeah he's kinda fucked up from it a little actually
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disjointed thoughts abt like. various anti-'normalization' takes i've seen and how actually i think like. expanding the range of things people are aware of & comfortable with is in fact often a helpful step towards becoming less dependent on the concept of normality to determine acceptability, because once you understand that normal isn't in fact a narrowly fixed range but is subjective and can be widened, it becomes a much softer yardstick & less of a bludgeon
#this connects in general to like. pushback against stances that i know from personal experience to have been valuable stepping stones#in the process of broadening my thinking#like idk if some ppl really never knew what it was like to feel totally ruled by social pressure to be Normal or if they've just forgotten#but i think like. our efforts at radicalization have to contain room & compassion for ppl who are starting from very normie places#thinking also abt like. tiktok(?) shit like 'neurospicy' here which like. is WAY too twee for me personally#and i def get where ppl are coming from who feel like it's bc the kids are scared to claim words like disabled#but it's like. no shit the kids are scared to claim words like disabled???? i would have been too??#having a stepping stone out of Normality that they can feel good about for themselves is like. good in those circs imo!#like there's just. SO much pressure to fit yourself into the Normal box if it's even halfway possible#where 'possible' VERY much includes 'shutting yr eyes to‚ or even cutting off‚ the bits that don't fit'#like. i thought i was a cishet teen! i had body worries i now think are incredibly stupid! Normal absolutely had power over me!#and it's just like. idk. if under that kind of crushing pressure ppl are coming up with cutesy little escape hatches?#seems defiant and resourceful to me tbh!#anyway this is 100% an off-the-cuff beta edition post and may have bugs#but i just kinda think the general concept of like. stepping stones. evolution. learning rather than always-already-knowing.#could use a little more love than it sometimes gets
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bro he is literally just laying there saying whatever in their head talking about anything and everything but not sleeping.
#thinking about junior high#specifically it started with me saying i should relearn the clarinet i should get one again#then somehow to getting stuff i missed from teachers 'before or after class' because they were busy or i didn't want to be late for class#then to how i was usually on time so i had like no reason to worry#except for pe because i had math all the at the bottom of the junior high hallway then pe at the entire other end of the school#and we had to change but he was pretty lenient and i was usually one of the first kids out#also how most of us left our stuff in the locker room and not the lockers because they were a hassle and somehow we never had any theft#then i thought about how this kid next to my actual locker in fifth grade (no locks) took one of my pokemon magnets im pretty sure#and i never got it back#then i remembered another thing that happened in the fifth grade hallway#where that guy i had a crush on gave me a golf ball he found in his bookbag#well he asked if i wanted it and i said yes (like having things and liked him) and im pretty sure it stayed in my bookbag the entire year#if i knew which bookbag i used that year and if i still had it it might still be in there tbh#also when i was thinking about band i couldn't think of my study hall in 8th because i quit and then suddenly i membered#and idk how i forgot she was like my fav teacher and i had so much fun cus my 2 best friends (like the waterparks song?) were also in it#and since it was like the end of the day she let us like talk and mostly do what we wanted if we didn't have any late work#and me and andi probably spent like 75% of it doodling our little oc guys#i think our other friend spent a lot of it drawing aswell.#wait. now that i think about it. was she in our study hall? doubting myself all of a sudden.#yeah she was because we walked home together and i dont remember waiting in the hall for her or anything#i do remember that when me and her were still in band andi came and got us basically because we always took our time#i miss them :(#winona has something to say
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ngl. unconsciously disengaging from this website has been hdjfkg kinda good for my mental health overall? like yes im still dhdjfjf left out of a lot of stuff BUT i see it less so that means my feelings don’t get as hurt lmao. functionally that’s more or less the same thing probably?
going recluse isn’t what i ever want to do (& I didn’t even do it on purpose, just got busy and had a low social battery because of it) but aside from me being overall comfortable by myself, it just kind of seems like it’s where people are content to leave me. doesn’t feel great but it is what it is.
#not rly on discord servers for the same reason tbh#got tired of trying to interject my awkward attempts at participation#I mean people can still @ me but i just don’t have it in me for the server stuff#my social perception is low enough that I can’t tell what the right move is but high enough I know when I fucked up#idk if I’m just not built for larger groups or if it’s something else :(#wish I knew so I could work around it but it’s not exactly a perfect experiment#so w/e. I do kind of miss it a bit but I also feel like my absence doesn’t make a difference#which is a sad thought in itself but that’s how it goes#idk I think in general I’m in a weird spot where I make an impression but it’s never a vital one to the dynamic ?#I do sometimes doubt like. what I bring to interactions in general lately#doesn’t feel like much if I’m being honest. I mean I think I’m at least moderately interesting but djfjf who knows#weirdly settled with myself as a person but I’m thinking that cost is probably an isolating one#knowing a lot of people just never breaking past that surface level#sucks. not much else to describe it as.#idk I’m sure this is bad for me but I think I’ve kind of already messed up first impressions#it’s so stupid but I keep encountering the same dynamic of either we Click fairly quickly or we just don’t really at all#and I feel like that’s wrong of me bc I know some people need time but unless that initial click happens I just seem to falter??#idk idk idk I guess lately it’s like I feel alone/lonely but I don’t feel like I’m wanting to return to anything#bc I never felt like I really had a place there to start with#weird feeling. very weird feeling.#logging back off now dhjfkf
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I’m not sure if the seasonal depression is hitting especially hard this year or if I’m just grieving for Mabel or if I’m finally going irreparably insane or if life/people is being unfair towards me or all of the above
#i cry super hard every day now. sometimes multiple times a day#sometimes something sets it off specifically (like arguing with my mom earlier)#but sometimes i just think about mabel too much and start sobbing#i thought i was okay. i mean i knew i wasn’t okay but i knew time would do its thing#the first few weeks were the worst but earlier this month i felt like i’d kind of plateau’d#like i was still sad but i could look at photos and videos and talk about her without crying. i was even laughing#now… now i can’t even think of her. again#it just feels so fucking unfair that i’ll NEVER see her again. like what the fuck do you mean. what do you MEAN#what do you mean i have to live out my whole life… god knows how fucking long i’ll live; and N E V E R see her again. shut the fuck up.#that’s so fucking unfair. and everyone else is okay. i’m like how can you POSSIBLY just go about your life#the best dog in the world is dead and she’s going to stay dead and i won’t see her again for however many fucking stupid cursed decades#i live and i might not even see her when i die. how the HELL am i supposed to be okay with that. is that a joke#and there’s a part of me that’s like ‘maybe i could adopt another dog’ but i don’t know#i think i’d feel better and worse at the same time. i wouldn’t feel so alone but they wouldn’t be mabel#i put in an application for a terrier that’s at a local rescue but if i don’t get him i’m not trying again. i’ll take it as a hint#cats aren’t an option btw i found out i’m allergic. which was brand new information.. i’ve been around cats that didn’t set my allergies#off at all. but i guess there’s a difference between spending an hour at your friend’s house who has one cat#and living 24/7 with a cat that gets fur and dander and saliva everywhere#and i don’t think other pets would suit me. i just don’t feel comfortable caring for any animal i haven’t done research on#i had hamsters when i was a teenager but… tbh never again. they are so much fun but i have anxiety dreams about them now#so it’s dogs (well.. one dog) or nothing#i do have plans to speak to my doctor about my depression btw because i genuinely find this unsustainable#like i do think it’s situational (seasonal/grief/everyone around me seeming to want to argue with me lately) but i still need#mood stabilisers while i’m in this situation lol#personal
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