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jackslocket · 9 months ago

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i finally had time to read this and omg... rae you could NOT have worded any of this better, recently have been feeling the exact same way with the tifosi and the quote-unqoute ferrari civil war happening right now.

"just have a bit of fucking fun once in a while PLEASE ." EXACTLY!! it is so simple, i hope the internet tifosi can realise how fucking dense some of them are being and just!! stop!!!

thank you for posting this - SOMEONE had to say it! 🙌🏽

The Internet Tifosi

an informal reflection of online fan spaces by me, a recent member of the tifosi.

I love being part of the tifosi. I love the colour red. I love seeing the passion of the tifosi at races. I love Charles. I love Carlos. I love watching races and highlights from old team lineups I love the greats like Schumacher and Lauda and Prost I love Ferrari.

My path in f1 didnt start with Ferrari, it started with McLaren- my dad is a huge McLaren fan, he introduced me to Lando (and Carlos but primarily Lando) in lockdown and sure it didnt click with me right away; I watched some races with him, he showed me the highlights from the races I didnt watch with him (including several videos of Grosjean's infamous crash) and despite the fact that I wasn't heavily invested it gave us something to bond over. That September when I left home for university it gave us a reason to call each other. When I developed a genuine interest (after I decided I wasn't coming back home after I graduate university) my dad wasn't bothered by the fact that I had shown up at Christmas with a Ferrari hat on, in fact he took it off my head and tried it on himself; "do I look good as a Sainz fan?". From my dad introducing me to Lando, Carlos was the natural next step in immersing myself into the fan community. From Carlos, we found Charles and the Tifosi. I don't have many (or any) friends in real life with the same level of interest in Formula 1 that I have developed, naturally I found myself creating this blog hoping to find a community within online spaces that wasn't available to me in the digital world.

My experience within the tifosi has been... unique, to say the least. I have been engaged in online fan spaces since I was around 14- I made my Tumblr account in 2016 to talk about supernatural, before moving on to buzzed unsolved, and marvel and so on as my interests developed and changed. Within each of these communities I have found a group of people that I felt comfortable around enough to call them genuine friends. some of whom I still keep in contact with despite the fact that our interests have changed. that hasn't quite happened to the same extent with the internet's Tifosi; and there is a multitude of reasons why.

The 'Versus' Predicament

To be rather blunt for a moment- I have never been part of a community that has been filled with so much vitriol for other members, and I was part of the Marvel fandom when Civil War was released (team cap). In fact, it seem that the tifosi are constantly engaged in a Civil War of their own- devoted fans of Charles as the self-labelled Lecfosi and Team55 practically always appear to be at odds with each other. And publicly so.

It is natural for people to have a favourite driver- we've just discussed how ive come to find myself as a devotee to Team55. But as with other areas, fan spaces have seen negative impact in communication due to internet dependancy in recent years.

From my perspective, the issue appears to be a mixture of cancel culture and virtue signalling. Now cancel culture is in itself a manifestation of virtue signalling in which creators or whomever else face mass criticism and attempted deplatforming as the internet becomes aware of potentially problematic past or present behaviour; however given its internet context and usage I've elected to view it as a separate entity.

Internet fan spaces have regressed to a state of defensiveness- in order to promote and validate your approval of one subject you must justify why in comparison to another. This is where the effects of cancel culture come into play. Cancel culture reached its peak performativity during quarantine as the internet and social media became the primary method of protesting and spreading awareness of activism whilst maintaining social distancing and quarantining requirements. As morality became monitored and policed by a younger and younger average user base, it is natural that there was a bastardisation of the phenomenon resultant in the mass cancelling and calling out of any person who spoke or acted in a manner that wasn't deemed correct; not necessarily related to politics or activism at this point, I myself received an influx of mass hatred and cancellations to the point where I was borderline shunned by an entire gaming community for making a joke about everyone hating one of the event mini games ('whats everyones favourite game and why is it not buildmart').

This same mindset is so visibly present within the Tifosi today- both extremes find themselves comparing one driver to the other in order to justify their favour. For example, tensions have been high with Lecfosi and Team55 almost in a panicked state looking to justify why they chose to support their favourite driver with 'Carlos is gifted every achievement Charles would have beaten him if he wasn't held back ' and 'Ferrari fired the wrong driver' filling the comments of Ferrari's Instagram and Twitter posts. This has prompted fans to flock to defend their preferred driver, often in ways which contribute to the animosity. Drivers face this pseudo-cancellation as a result with twitter bios seeing additions of 'Carlos fans din' 'if you like CL16 unfollow me' after every race. Criticisms of the drivers themselves increase, they are placed under heavier scrutiny as the violence between fans increases leading to a never-ending circle of driver-to-fan hatred. it is seen as almost a moral failure within fan spaces to support the wrong driver.

I, personally, have witnessed arguments between fans in comment sections on tiktok- the most memorable being a 'share your favourite driver and why' tiktok in which a Carlos fan received comments of 'Well you know Charles is actually better because x y z'. (I'd like to point out this is not an antagonisation of Charles fans, but this is what actually happened nor am I excusing Team55 from the ability to make similar comment). The notable point here is that Charles was never mentioned, yet the mere fact of someone else preferring the wrong driver in this commenter's eyes lead to them purposefully targeting another Ferrai fan to chastise them on their decision effectively boiling the interaction down to 'you're not allowed to support this driver because I don't like him'.

This is where virtue signalling comes into play. For those unaware, virtue signalling is the public expression of opinion with the intent of alignment with a moral correctness. The internet especially in fanbases weaponises that frequently through the examples of 'dni of you support x' as discussed prior. The followup to that mindset is the feeling of requirement to discuss. For example, when a driver races poorly or is subjected to penalty, fan spaces will see an influx of posts demanding fans to defend their driver (How can you support him when he drives like that), mass criticising the driver (he doesn't deserve his seat why isn't he fired), or public statement of disapproval because of the social requirement to misalign yourself with the incorrect actions of another person without genuine belief behind the statement as oftentimes excuses will be made for their preferred person in a similar situation. At times it appears that the primary interaction of some people within the Tifosi is to engage in critical commentary on their disliked drivers.

Criticism? Or extreme negativity?

With call out and cancel culture leaving the political sphere it has severely impacted the positivity of fanbases as criticism becomes a primary, almost necessary, aspect of fan culture. Of course we talk about critical consumption in which you are able to analyse and evaluate the content which we consume and become aware of its biases and flaws, however this has snowballed to become criticise everything you consume. Thus, the animosity of the fan spaces rises once more.

Of course every driver is bound to face warranted criticism- the majority of the grid are socially unaware rich white men, they are destined to say or do something Wirth criticising. but that does not mean every single one of their actions are worth dissecting under the microscope. And the prevalent attitude of analysing drivers mannerisms, behaviours emotions and heat-of-the-moment radios doesn't display the analytical eye a lot of people think it does.

A lot of attitudes in the 2024 spaces that I have personally seen have centred a Carlos negativity- there have been dire criticisms of the journalistic bias towards him across the first 3 races of the year. Of course, if you don't like him then you're bound to be tired of hearing about him. But what I found interesting was the theories being circulated that he was paying his way into the media or that there was a behind-the-scenes scheme to keep media interest on him. Now, a lot of people perceived this to be a theory based on the culture surrounding Sainz's family wealth and his father's influence when in reality it was likely to be because of the increased interest around his circumstances going into the season- no seat for 2025, rumoured negotiations with several teams, surgery and first non Red Bull win of the season. to analyse this situation critically is not to say 'well there must be a secret reason and I will investigate' but to recognise that journalism is reliant on attention grabbing headlines- a man with no job and no appendix winning a race while still in the post-surgery recovery period is exactly the kind of narrative that will garner clicks. It would have been the same had it have been any other driver in that specific set of circumstances. There is a difference between critical thinking and assumptive analyses and oftentimes they can become conflated in the desire to prove a point.

This is the issue- a lot of people engage analytically with media in order to suggest a particular narrative. Every person is subject to bias, and when that bias is unchecked it can lead to a lot of analysis that are reliant on theory, speculation and assumption in order to maintain the subconscious perspective of the writer. This is why we see a lot of people ruse demeaning nicknames towards Charles on twitter an simultaneously view Carlos as undeserving- the highlighted points of their perspective on the driver rests on the moments which will develop their narrative view of the driver as the lesser. Critical engagement cannot rest solely on one the positive or the negative, otherwise you failing ti engage critically by cherry picking a perspective in order to maintain a narrative. That is tabloid journalism at best.

I Am In Misery

It is also just not healthy for you as a fan to consistently engage in negative commentary and discourse. I mean that seriously this is a PSA if your fan engagement sees your negative criticism and commentary of your disliked driver outweigh the time you spend enjoying your interest then you need to take a step back and reassess how you want to participate because that is not sustainable for your mental wellbeing.

This is not to say that you must never hate, you must never criticise or say anything bad about someone we all do it- it's natural. But you have to ask yourself if you truly enjoy using another driver to uplift your favourite. Aren't his accomplishments enough to validate him alone?

Ive noticed a complete lack of will to celebrate- in my inbox right now are maybe around 15 asks all talking about how I shouldn't be happy with this weekends performance or else I dont understand F1. I argue the inverse,

I understand F1. I understand that this weekend was not the best performance Ferrari had to offer. I understand the impact of the team racing each other and Carlos' aggression during the sprint. And I have mentioned as much. However, I choose to focus on the positive aspects of the weekend. The tyre management from both drivers was impeccable to gain 2 positions each and maintain them finishing on tyres that were 40 laps old. They made an excellent recovery from the mishaps in qualifying that ultimately earned the team and themselves more points. We maintain 2nd in the constructors championship and 3rd and 4th in the drivers. There are issues that need to be discussed and resolved but ultimately this is not the worlds worst performance.

F1 is entertainment. I want to win, I want to succeed but I also want to be entertained. My mental health has seen a series uptick since I decided to directly seek entertainment. Sure, the drivers shouldn't have been racing the way they were, it had the potential to put both cars in a detrimental position, but it sure does make things more interesting!!! There's almost a sense of parasocialism within the community- a lot of people are hesitant to look for relief beyond the emotions of their favourite driver, and subsequently view every race as a failure in some aspect (just outside of the podium, on the podium but not p1, could've done better if it wasn't for xyz) and that negatively affects their experience as a fan and for other fans who don't share that perspective. It's almost like people have forgotten to enjoy the race, they're so preoccupied with looking for something to criticise.

Now this isn't to say you're not allowed to enjoy critical assessments of the success of races. But thats not what the majority of us are posting (it might be what some of you think you're posting, but you're not). I love watching video essays on races that are done properly with acknowledgement and awareness of bias. I don't love reading 'why this race actually sucked' because it's not built from an analytical or critical perspective, just a discussion of the race and outcome through a lens of destructive pessimism.

End

Now this behaviour isn't specific to the Tifosi, it's an internet wide phenomenon. But I've chosen to directly comment on it here because as I said, I've never sen a community with so much hatred for itself. As of 2024, we are all on the same team right now. We have the right to hold our own opinions of the drivers and express those. We do not have the right to argue on the validity of other fans preferences, we do not have the right to directly enter fan spaces (ie the main tags) and spread destructive negativity about a driver nor do we have the right to harass blogs for whom they chose to support.

The inherent negativity is so calamitous to the community. It perpetuates the infighting, it furthers the negative narratives we have constructed of drivers, it only contributes to divide the community as both sides earn reputations of being toxic towards each other. And to an extent, yes . It is true, and that is disappointing. Charles and Carlos are both talented drivers, there is no need to drag one down to uplift the other. It is instigating behaviour and I'm sure a lot of people comment that way purposefully.

Be aware of your parasocial connection to a driver. if you find yourself criticising a driver for an action that you would not criticise your favourite for executing ask yourself why you view the action as negative circumstantially. If you are only able to assess races based on what could have happened, what better could have happened then ask yourself if you find this enriching; do you leave race weekends feeling good and excited for the next race or soured because things might have been better under different circumstances. Don't ignore the problems, acknowledge them and say but what are the positives as opposed to letting the failures undermine the successes.

just have a bit of fucking fun once in a while PLEASE .

this is a mass response to the people in my inbox thank you for your patience I didnt want to answer like 15 different asks about everything in slightly different ways

#rae <3 #i am sooooo fucking sick of opening comment sections and there being a fucking war going on between cl16 and cs55 fans #JUST RIPPING EACH OTHER'S JUGULARS OUT #WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM HERE HELLO???#you can have a fav driver sure whatever i CLEARLY do #but at the end of the day this is a team sport is it not?? does it really matter *which* ferrari driver is winning? or which is losing?#i dont know tbh maybe the way i consume f1 is just different to the rest of the f1 fanbase #but that's my 2 cents #even if it didnt REALLY add much to the conversation #i'll have more to say about this later when i'm actually running on >5 hours sleep #ferrari #carlos sainz #charles leclerc

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coquelicoq · 26 days ago

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how to write a sympathy card

so someone you know recently lost a loved one and you would like to extend your sympathy, but you have no idea what to say. here are some ideas to get the juices flowing. i did not even try to keep this short, so i've broken it up into four sections: general advice, what to include, some example cards i've written, and takeaways.

general advice

first, if you're reading this i'll assume that you have decided to express your sympathy in some way and just don't know how. the thing about doing this is it will always feel inadequate. it will often feel very awkward. you may be worried that everything you say sounds weirdly insincere even if it isn't. i'm here to tell you that that is all okay and normal and to be expected. i've written a lot of sympathy cards and afterwards i've never been like "wow, i nailed it!" and yet i've gotten a lot of comments from people thanking me for showing up even when all i did was send a measly insufficient card, because most people don't do that. it will mean something to the person that you did it at all, even if it's not perfect.

should you send your sympathy in a card or some other method? if you never send mail, if you don't have their address, if you don't even own stamps, maybe sending a card is not for you. but everything below also applies to an email you could send. i personally prefer a card because i like the physicality; it's something they can keep and look at later if they want to, and it's a way of showing a small amount of deliberation and care (i went to the store and picked this out; i sat down and handwrote this). more importantly, i feel like there's less pressure to respond to a card than an email, and a phone call can be overwhelming to someone who is already dealing with a lot of shit, while a card is just there whenever they feel up to looking at it. but that is entirely my own perspective; there are differences culturally as well as personally. you should do what makes sense for you.

do think about what you're trying to accomplish by sending this card. you may not be able to make things better, but you are certainly trying not to make things harder. one example of this might be: if your friend has just lost her mother, you might have a lot of complicated feelings about this that aren't really about your friend or her mother specifically (you also have a mother!), and that's natural and okay, but those feelings would perhaps be best to share with other friends of yours who didn't just lose their mother. another example: it's okay to be worried about your friend and how they're doing, but try not to imply that they owe you updates or that they're causing you a lot of stress by not keeping you in the loop. (of course, if they are instead sharing more with you than you can handle, it's important to set boundaries around that! though probably not through the mechanism of a sympathy card.)

it is okay to keep it really short and generic. again, i think just the act of thinking to get a card, getting a card, writing something in it, and mailing it already means something regardless of what is written in it. if you feel overwhelmed trying to figure out what to say, it is okay to keep it to "I'm thinking of you in this difficult time. I'm so sorry for your loss." i also sometimes add "I don't know what to say, except that [I'm thinking of you, etc.]."

one thing i've learned that makes this harder is that you cannot assume you know how anyone else feels. you may be thinking, "i also lost a parent, so i know how it feels," but you only know how you felt about it. there are infinite ways to feel about losing someone, including:

sadness for the deceased, that their life is over

sadness for themself, that the deceased is gone

sadness for the other people who lost the deceased

fear of their own mortality

fear of dying in the same way

fear of how their life is going to change without the deceased

relief that the deceased is no longer suffering

relief that their caretaking duties are over

relief that the deceased can no longer mistreat them

anger at the deceased for dying or for not doing something before they died

anger at god

anger at others/self for contributing to their death or not saving them

overwhelm from all the logistical things there are to deal with when someone dies

overwhelm from all the emotions

confusion at their own reaction

guilt for outliving the deceased

guilt for not feeling sadder or for feeling other things in addition to sadness (or for being numb/in shock)

this is an incomplete list!!!

i try not to project onto my friend or put words in their mouth, because it can be very isolating to be told how other people think you should feel if that's not exactly how you feel. because you're sending them a sympathy card, there is some baseline assumption that there is something to feel sympathy about. but beyond that i try to be careful not to get super specific about how "you must be feeling" or how hard "this must be". generally i try to avoid the word "must" because it implies that there is a certain way this is supposed to go, when there isn't.

if i know that they are struggling in some way but haven't talked to them much about it, i personally usually feel okay saying "Loss is hard" or "It's hard to lose someone", which might seem similar to "This must be hard", but avoids the word "must" and the direct reference to their situation ("loss" in general vs. "the particular instance of loss you are experiencing"). if i don't know much at all about how they're doing, i might say "Loss can be hard", which presumes even less, or i might not directly mention the difficulty of loss at all.

but also, it's okay to be more specific and personalized if you have been in contact with your friend as they've been processing the situation. it's good to acknowledge specific feelings that they've told you about, but try to also leave room for other feelings and/or ways their feelings might have changed.

what to include

here are some categories of sentiments you may want to include (all optional!):

thinking of you: even though it's kind of self-evident that you're thinking about them, this is something that is always appropriate to say and always nice to hear. examples: You're in my thoughts. I'm thinking of you often.

wishing you comfort/support: comfort and support are very safe things to wish somebody because they don't assume anything very specific about how they're feeling, and they express care for their wellbeing without putting pressure on them to be fine. I hope you can find moments of comfort in the coming days. I hope you're feeling supported by friends and family.

sorry for your loss: this is one of those things everyone knows is a stock phrase, but it's the kind of stock phrase that imo actually communicates something, so i do generally use it. I'm so sorry for your loss.

my heart goes out to you: this stock phrase is a little iffier, meaning it can be kind of a toss-up on whether or not it will sound insincere. it might depend on how close you are to the person. use your discretion. again, even things that sound insincere to you can still mean a lot to the recipient. My heart goes out to you. My heart is with you.

i'm here for you: offer logistical and/or emotional support if you want to and if you're reasonably sure that you could provide it. if you're able to be specific, that can be very helpful; one thing that can be overwhelming in the aftermath of a loss is dealing with lots of people wanting to help and having to come up with ways for them to do that. Please reach out anytime if it would help to talk about it. If you ever need to be distracted, I'm good at that! I'd love to bring over some food/help out with chores and errands; I'll text you to see if that would be helpful and not disruptive.

prayers: if you and the recipient are both religious/spiritual and it feels right to say, you could say "I'm keeping you in my prayers" or similar, in addition to or in lieu of "I'm thinking of you." if you are religious but the recipient isn't (or you're not sure if they are), i suggest not saying this, but use your judgment. some people don't mind hearing that someone is praying for them even if they don't believe in prayer and may in fact expect you to say it if you are known as someone who often expresses care through prayer, but for others, this can be actively offensive. i would say when in doubt, stick to "thoughts" instead of "prayers". You're in my prayers. I'm praying for you.

there are many ways to grieve: this one is harder to describe, but i like to include something that validates whatever the recipient may be feeling, despite not knowing how the recipient is feeling. the downside of a card is that it's not in real time, so you really have no way of knowing how your friend is feeling when they read it, even if you talked to them previously and know how they were feeling during that conversation. so i like to, in addition to not assuming any particular emotions, make space for the fact that their emotions may be shifting in ways that are confusing or distressing. but you have to be kind of vague about it, because you don't even know if that's happening. I hope you have the space to grieve in whatever way you need to/is meaningful for you. I hope you're getting through this time in whatever way is best for you.

you may want to express your own grief over the loss of this person, if you knew them. i think this can be comforting for the recipient to hear, but i suggest keeping it brief and not overwrought. the last thing you want is for your friend to feel they have to manage your emotions in addition to their own. if you can, do the below instead of or in addition to this.

now i will share my LIFE HACK!! for the very best thing to put in a sympathy card. this will not always be possible, because it relies upon a) you yourself having a relationship with the deceased (which is not always the case) and b) you being able to remember things (which i often cannot, especially when i'm sad). but if you can, i highly suggest something along the lines of the following.

say what you will remember the deceased for. (I will remember them for their wry sense of humor. I will remember them as a compassionate/driven/curious person.)

give an example of a memory you have of them in which they exemplified that characteristic.

if you can't do both, it's also good to do just one and not the other. if you have a favorite memory but it's too hard to think of adjectives to attribute to them, just share the memory. if you tend to think of them as [positive adjective] but no specific evidence is coming to mind, that's okay, this isn't a debate. in general it is comforting to people to know that they are not the only ones who will remember their lost loved one.

example cards

i will now give some examples of cards i've written. these all feel really awkward and inadequate to me, and you can see i didn't always stick to my own advice! but they were all deeply appreciated.

[to my coworker. i didn't have much detail except knowing her dad had been in the hospital a lot, and she was sad that he died]

I was so sorry to hear about your father. It seems like the last few years have been hard on your family, and loss is especially hard. I hope you are able to take the time you need to be with your family and cherish your memories of him together.

[to my friend's mother after the passing of her husband. i knew from talking to my friend that her mom was struggling especially with outliving him, because she was sick and had expected for a long time to die before him]

I'm thinking about you and [friend's name] a lot. I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing someone is so hard. Adjusting to their absence is, too. I hope that you're finding moment of comfort and feeling supported by friends and family. He will be missed. I will remember him for his wry sense of humor; I still have a "card" from him on my fridge (he cut out a sample "thank you" card greeting that said "The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention" from a list of things to write in different kinds of cards (a sample message for a "Get Well Soon" card was on the back, crossed out) and simply added my name at the top and his name at the bottom. It's one of my favorite pieces of mail I've ever received and it's been on my fridge for many years). I am so sorry that he's gone. You are in my thoughts and my heart goes out to you.

[to my close friend and her husband i don't know as well, after a late-term abortion for a baby they had been very excited to raise. in this case i knew some of my friend's feelings, but not her husband's, and while i knew that many things about the pregnancy had been hard (lots of waiting for test results about the viability of the fetus, for one thing), i didn't want to imply that the decision to abort was hard, because my friend said it wasn't]

I'm thinking of you both lots. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. It sounds like it's been a difficult and fraught process, and I hope you're getting space and time to grieve and to come to terms with the loss. I hope you're getting whatever kind of support you need. If there's anything I can do to help, whether logistical or emotional, please let me know. I would love to be of service to you. I wish I knew what to say. You've just had such a fantastically shitty year. I do believe that things will get lighter for you both, and I hope that happens soon. Take care, and know you are cherished.

[to my grandmother after the loss of her estranged brother, when i was extremely unsure how she was feeling about it and had my own complicated emotions]

I just wanted to send you a card to say I'm thinking of you. Mom let me know about Uncle [name]. I know things had been strained for many years and I haven't seen him in a long time, but I'm sorry to hear that he's passed. I hope that you and [grandmother's sister] are able to reminisce in whatever way feels appropriate and meaningful to you. I'm not sure what else to say, other than I'm thinking of you, I love you, and I'm sorry. It was really nice to see you at [family member's] graduation the other day. The next time we're together, I look forward to giving you such a big hug! I feel very lucky to be your granddaughter and to have you in my life.

[to my grandmother after the loss of my 38yo cousin, which was hitting me really hard]

I don't know what to say, but I just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you and that I'm thinking of you, and [cousin], and [uncle], and [father], every day. It's so hard to lose someone, and I'm so sorry for your loss. My grief is a strange animal that sneaks up on me at the strangest times. I hope you are finding moments of comfort and feeling supported by friends and family. I'm looking forward to the day when I can hug you in person.

[to my close friend on the loss of her father after a long illness. she had been leaning on me for support, as another person who has lost someone after a long illness]

I'm thinking about you lots. I hope you're getting through this time in whatever way is best for you. Loss is hard even when you know it's coming and even when you get to say goodbye. I hope you are finding comfort and feeling how loved you are. He was a special person, and I'm so sorry he's left you. I know part of him will live on in you and the other people who learned from and admired him. It's still so hard to lose him, and grief is a strange animal. Take care. Reach out anytime. I love you so much.

takeaways

it will probably feel inadequate to you, but chances are it will still be appreciated.

remember that though you may not be able to make things better, you are trying not to make things harder.

it is okay to keep it really short and generic.

you cannot assume you know how anyone else feels. there are many ways to grieve. that said, it's nice to acknowledge any specific feelings your friend has expressed to you, while also leaving room for other feelings you may not know about.

if you want to offer support, it can help a lot to be specific in how you are able and willing to help.

it is usually comforting to people to know that they are not the only ones who will remember their lost loved one.

even if you do it awkwardly, just the act of reaching out is meaningful! people don't know you're thinking about them unless you tell them.

and remember to take care of yourself, too! watching friends lose loved ones can be hard for you as well for a variety of reasons. reach out to other friends for support when you need it.

#grief #support #cards #my posts #long post #unfortunately this has been very relevant this year #i dug this out of drafts because a friend just lost her mom after losing her dad earlier this year. and then her unborn child #what a shitty year she has had. what do you even say? well past me had some advice about this

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sandplague · 2 months ago

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pathologic 3 save & sound 2024 presentation

this is a quick attempt at a transcript of the presentation. I think I got most of it but there are some words I was unable to hear, I can't say I have a lot of practice doing this and that's on me so if any of you guys can help me I'll edit it asap

Ressa Schwarzwald: I'm Ressa from Gameowdio. Our team has been working on Pathologic 3 with Vasily Kashnikov and his apprentice Nikolai. This video will feature some of the audio stuff we've made together.

Our goal regarding audio direction was to give the real experience of being in the epicenter of an epidemic. Fully realistic, no bullshit. So we are obviously shooting this video in The Town. We realized pretty early that the game was quite different from the original Pathologic 2 because of the time travel mechanics. So for the prototype we built a time travel machine [the date November 1924 shows on screen], which appeared to be quite useful to record some source sounds, and [date changes to November 3024] make this video in just half a second using existing technology.

Let's start with the music.

Vasily Kashnikov: Hi, I'm Vasily Kashnikov, audio director of Pathologic 3 project. I'll tell you how our music is structured. We were already thinking about how the Bachelor's game would sound when we were working on Patholgic 2 and writing music for Haruspex. In Pathologic 2, the music had more ethnic and real motives (motifs?) and instruments. Since the city and its customs are familiar with Haruspex since he was a child, he is involved in the traditional way of life. In the case of Pathologic 3, this is the view of an outsider who evaluates everything from the point of view of rationality and science. Therefore, we are trying to make the Pathologic 3 soundtrack colder and more detached from the steppes and ethnicity in character. There is more synthesis, guitars at the same time, the Bachelor communicates with those in power so the soundtrack contains a large share of minimalist so-called furniture music that could sound in the beginning of the last century. Piano etudes and references to composers of that time: Satie, Debussy, etc. The soundtrack is a rather eclectic mix of dreampop, downtempo, and (?) minimalism.

In the city when the Bachelor is alone with himself, we emphasize the cold mind of the rhythm section: less emotional harmony, and sometimes electronic timbres. In the rooms where we need to separate the main character from those he interacts with, we use more expressive harmonies and more classical instruments: piano and guitar passages.

When we designed the interactive music system, we assumed that time is finite, and the music had to change depending on the amount of time the Bachelor had left. However, we later abandoned this system and now the music changes depending on the state of the Bachelor himself, who can fall into apathy or psychosis. To emphasize these states, we apply filters and effects to different layers of our tracks and get a slower, muffled sound in the case of apathy, and wired (?) nervous, glitchy in the case of psychosis. In the infected quarters, there are interactive systems that... [screen begins to distort] oh my god, Nataliya! Please stop this!

Nataliya Radina: Whoops, hehe, sorry. But yeah, basically the other system we created reflects everything you hear in the game. Such as... If we use our gun when dealing with the local thugs, the longer we aim the weapon at the people, the less sounds of the outside world we hear and the louder becomes the heartbeat. To add to the intensity, sharper tone was used along with a high pitch tinnitus sound. If the psychosis level goes to the maximum, it starts to damage Bachelor's health, which is accompanied by flashes on the screen, as well as low heartbeat and short breathing sounds.

Vasily Kashnikov: In the infected and rebel's quarters, there are also interactive systems that change the character of the music by adding or disabling instrument layers depending on the state of the world or the Bachelor's equipment to fight the plague. As a result, we have 12 tracks for each day spent in the city. they can freely switch between each other and several dozen themes for locations and characters, and all the music is subject to change depending on the state of the Bachelor.

Nataliya Radina: Since the game has a weather changing system, we also wanted to reflect that in our audio feedback as well. The game has global wetness parameter that shows how intense the rain is. The more it rains, the more squishy and muddy are the steps of the outside surfaces. Moreover, if you come closer to the window, you can hear the rain pondering on the glass. Even in the middle of the plague, we always have room for cozy moments, right? My favorite part of that system is involving cows. [cow moo]. So, when it's raining, you can actually hear very very soft sound of raindrops dropping on those bovine butts. And I personally think it's beautiful.

Artur Ramanouski: Hi, my name is Artur, and I was also involved in creating some sound assets for the game.

Probably the hardest thing to record were the footsteps. I had everything planned out: bought the equipment, got every type of surface, but...there was one small thing I overlooked: I live in a city with over 12 million people. Noise everywhere. The solution was simple and ingenious: I recorded everything on a Sunday, because in Buenos Ares, Sunday is the one day when no one does anything.

Nataliya Radina: One of the most important places in the game is the cathedral. There we have a system of ladders that control the speed and direction of time. Direction wise, we can have it flow normally, or reversed. [entire presentation is rewound very quickly so it's back to Ressa]

Ressa Schwarzwald: She is super professional.

Nataliya Radina: As for the speed, we can make it stand still, go twice as fast, or half normal speed. We created an audio system that has to (?) understand what is actually happening around (inaudible). When we reverse time, spatial effects are added to the surrounding sounds. Ambience, steps, and the mechanism itself. When time stands still, we increase the low frequencies in the ambience, and all the other sounds are muted to zero. Now lastly, when the time goes twice as fast, or half the original speed, the pitch of the surrounding sound changes accordingly.

The coolest part of this system is that it's been actually implemented into the game engine using only one parameter.

Ressa Schwarzwald: Thank you for watching. See you here, later!

#pathologic #pathologic 3 #save & sound 2024 #info #daniil dankovsky #vasily kashnikov #audio #soundtrack

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thesovereignsring-if · 5 months ago

Text

Welcome everyone! Lili here <3

Read the update here

NOTE: YOU WILL NEED TO START A NEW SAVE FOR THE NEW CONTENT.

The time as come to celebrate the new year with the Festival of Eostre. It will be your first one without your mother, but at least you will have your friends and family with you. Today will be filled with good memories. This will be part 1 of 3 updates for the prologue.

NOTE: The Festival of Eostre is the second prologue that takes place between the introduction and Chapter 1. Until this section is complete, players will not be able to read Chapter 1 anymore. You will also need to start a New Save otherwise your game will break and miss content. Sorry for the inconvenience!

Update Log:

Story:

13+ word update.

Prepare for the festival with your friends and family

Spend sometime with them in 2/4 routes.

Go boating with Alberich and Finn or visit the Markets with Thea and Sieghardt.

Meet Grand Cardinal Lior, the leader of the dominant religion in Nibelheim.

Gameplay/UI Changes:

Dark Theme colours have been slightly adjusted. (If people have a colour theme they wish to see, I'll be more than happy to add them)

Character Creation has been updated and streamlined: (Gender/Pronouns and Sex are separate categories for both adult and child character creations. Attributes chosen during Child Character Creation will be stored as different variables in the event I choose to do anymore flashbacks later on in the story.)

Please note, that choosing after your sex (as an adult) I will assume your character will have the corresponding equipment down there.

Music Credits have been updated.

Fixed typos.

What to expect for the next update:

The remain routes with Linnet and the Empress.

Some Codex Entries + childhood artwork of characters

Have fun! The Festival is only beginning :)

#tsr #the sovereign's ring #devlog #game update #twine if #twine wip #twine interactive fiction #twine #update #interactive ficition

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cuteandhughesy · 4 months ago

Text

Never Let Me Go | Jeremy Swayman

summary: jeremy thought he lost his chances after charlie beat him to you - but years later with jeremy becoming your best friend, a weekend at the carlo’s lake house may just prove otherwise.

15.0k

link to masterlist

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june 2021

your forearms rest against the sticky counter top of the bar, the action elevating your cleavage to any viewing eye. the bartender slides the tray of drinks towards you, a sweet smile on her face.

"wanna start a tab?" she asks you. you're just about to answer as you feel a body press into your side, arms big and strong against yours.

"add it to mine," the voice says beside you.

the bartender nods and walks away, presumably taking more orders at the other end of the bar. you look to your left and see a tall man, a smirk on his face. he's handsome, sure, with a body that definitely works out like, every day - the thought had you blushing.

"thanks," you say, "i'm y/n."

"charlie," he shakes your outstretched hand.

"you didn't have to get my drinks," you reiterate with playful smile on your face. you're sure your friends were watching this with amused faces.

"I wanted to," he leans against the bar top. he wasn't your typical type - he had lighter hair than you preferred, clean shaven and straight forward. but there was nothing wrong with a bit of flirting.

so you leaned over, batting your lashes up at him. "you buy every girls drinks or what?"

he laughs deeply, eyes glancing over his shoulder before meeting yours again "only the pretty ones."

you giggle, grabbing the a drink off the tray and twirling the straw with your tongue before sipping it slowly. you watch charlie gulp, rolling his shoulders back. "you think i'm pretty?"

"yeah, I -"

"dude what's taking so long?" a voice interrupts.

your eyes are drawn to charlie's left. he's about the same height as charlie, but looks a few years younger. presumably around your age. he's got dark features, and a polite smile. you feel yourself wanting to swoon in his direction. he's smirking, and his voice is soothing.

"sorry jer, just chatting to..."

you give charlie a look because there's no way he's already forgotten your name. you save him the awkwardness, "y/n," you smile, shaking the hand that he's outstretched to you. his grip is nice, soft.

"jeremy," he smiles softly, and if he doesn't drop his hand until you do...well you just have to ignore that. "sorry to interrupt," he says, eyes darting to charlie quickly before meeting yours again.

"no worries, charlie was just paying for my friends and I's drinks," you say, "he's trying to tell me he doesn't buy drinks for just any woman..."

jeremy laughs like it's a joke and charlie shoots him a slight glare. "correction, I said only the pretty ones."

you smile, "right of course. and how many pretty ones have you boughten for tonight?"

"just you," charlie says back.

jeremey clears his throat, turning slightly and flagging down the bartender, seeing as charlie came over here to order the team drinks and had yet to do that: too busy flirting with one of the prettiest girls jeremey has ever seen.

"good," you laugh, "I should get these drinks back to my friends."

"too bad," jeremey hears charlie say, "I was going to see if you wanted to sit with me and my table."

"is that so?" you say back. "i'll have to check with my friends. can they come?"

"yeah," he nods, "i'll go make room," he walks away, into the VIP section that's roped off in the back corner of the bar. you watch him walk and then eye your drinks again. you try to pick them all up, failing as the six glasses clink and almost slip from your hold.

"need help?" jeremey asks beside you, tracing the label of his beer.

you smile shyly, "yeah, if you don't mind."

he nods, grabbing four of the six drinks in his very large hands, following your lead back to your table of friends.

"sorry guys," you say, setting down two of the drinks, "I got busy talking the bar,"

your friend ashley laughs, "we saw."

it seems all at the same time your friends notice jeremy behind you and they go quiet in the presence of an attractive man. "this is jeremey," you take two of the drinks he's holding, "he's helping me carry the drinks,"

"we can see that," danielle nods and jeremy smiles politely in the face of five staring eyes.

"actually, him and his friend charlie were wondering if we wanted to sit with them." you watch their reactions to your words with a hopeful glint.

"you guys don't have to if you don't want to," jeremy held his hands up in surrender, "it's just charlie is wanting to...mingle."

"i'll come," danielle says, standing up with her hand bag. ashley says she would come as well but the rest claim they were tired, and would be leaving. you don't push them and you say goodbye. then jeremy leads the three of you over to his table were you meet the rest of his friends.

jeremy ends up sitting beside you, with charlie against your other side. the table is loud, conversation bustling with the addition of three new personalities. after 40 minutes, charlie throws and arm around the back of your chair, and jeremey's stomach plummets slightly.

jeremy had noticed you immediately when they walked into the bar that night. you had a nice laugh - it was loud and could be heard if he was at the bar and you were at your table. you had a beautiful face, and were wearing a sweet perfume that had his stomach flipping.

charlie was in a conversation with pastrnak who sat on his other side, while you looked around the table, knawing on your lip.

"what do you do?" jeremey asks. you dart your head in his direction, to make sure he was in fact talking to you. he's got a soft look on his face and your shoulders drop.

"oh, i've just graduated actually. i've got a degree in journalism."

"wow, you must be like super smart. did you like school?"

"yeah," you smile. "well as much as one can actually like school," you're laughing at yourself slightly. "what do you do?"

"I play hockey."

"really?" you give him a slight once over, "i thought hockey players had like missing teeth and black eyes."

you're joking, he can tell by your tone. he laughs, "well, some do but i'm a goalie so it's hard for me to loose teeth and get black eyes."

"I like that," you smile. you look around the table and then lean in closer to jeremy, whispering, "do you guys all play hockey?"

"yeah," he leans in too, whispering to try and be as conspicuous as you. it has you giggling slightly while staring into his eyes, crinkling at the edges as he laughs. "how could you tell?"

your eyes flicker to pasta, "I think I see a chipped tooth."

he's laughing, sitting back up in his chair. he has a nice laugh, you think. "your eyes do not deceive you."

you nod, taking a sip of your drink. "how long have you played hockey for?"

"well, my whole life," jeremey says, swallowing a mouthful of beer, "but I just finished my first year with the bruins."

"so you're a rookie? is that the right word?"

"yeah," he says. "see? I knew you were smart."

you laugh gently, "one day i'll write an article on you, jeremey. the best upcoming bruins goalie."

"I don't know about that," he laughs sheepishly, "i'm just a backup."

"for now," you smile reassuringly.

and jeremey really believes you. maybe it's the tone of voice you use, or maybe it's the way your eyes twinkle when you talk - he would believe anything you said.

the end of the night approaches not long after, your conversation with jeremey only stopping when charlie butted in to talk to you.

you are all standing outside the bar, waiting on ubers. the boys uber arrives first, and they start to climb in. charlie doesn't move though, turning to you with a smirk. "I had a really good night, I like talking with you."

"thanks, I had a great night as well."

jeremy is nearby, standing at the open door of the car, waiting for charlie.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me? we can get dinner or something."

you suck in a gasp of air. your eyes dart over charlies shoulder to catch jeremy's. you thought maybe...maybe he would intervene and ask you out with him instead. but he looks down at the pavement, breaking eye contact.

you look back at charlie and nod. "yeah, i'd like that."

the next morning, you had a text from charlie asking you for dinner.

june 17th 2023

you were elbow deep in soap suds when your apartment door opened, a brief knock was heard before jeremy entered, kicking off his shoes before moving to your couch. he flopped down and groaned, which made you laugh, working the sponge against a mug as you glanced over your shoulder.

"hello to you too, jer."

he rolled over so he was on his back. "hi."

"what do you need?" you finish up your scrubbing, rinsing off your hands as drying them with a little bumblebee towel.

jeremy sits up, walking over to you in the kitchen knook, leaning back against the counter top. "who says I need anything?"

"you just have that look on your face. what is it?"

"can I not just come hang out with my best friend without her questioning my motives?" he blinks at you innocently and you cross your arms.

in 2021, charlie and you had dated for four months. it was nice, sure, but it wasn't fulfilling. he was so kind, and sweet and the two of you decided to be friends. you had actually set him up with your friend danielle, and now the two of them were like engaged, so there's that. throughout that time, you grew close with the bruins roster - how could you not? but nobody got you like jeremy did. the two of you grew close pretty quickly, and now he has the code to your apartment, which is...nice.

you blink. "no. you want something, what is it?"

he covers his face with a hand and mumbles, "I fucked up."

concerned, you reach forward, rubbing his shoulder. "why? what's wrong?"

jeremy groans again, head falling back to stare of the ceiling. thinking back to the phone call he had right after his gym session, wincing at the memory. he shouldn't of said it. jeremy knows he shouldn't of said it, but he couldn't help it. "you can't make fun of me."

"that's no fun," you laugh.

"y/n, i'm being serious. I kinda got myself into some shit and I need your help."

"jer, you're kind of scaring me. do i like need to call the police?"

"what? no. no, I just...." jeremey groans once again, thinking back to the phone call with his teammate.

"sway, dude," brandon carlo said through the grainy phone speaker, "mason wanted me to check and see if you were up for the lake house again this year."

jeremy sighed, "sure, yeah. who else is coming?"

brandon's wife pipes up in the background, "charlie and danielle, us, charlie and kiley a couple others and you..." she trails off like there's something else she wants to say.

"right," jeremy responds. "anything else?"

"mason wants to know if she should prepare for a plus one." brandon says.

he rolls his eyes. "oh."

"don't worry about it," mason says quickly, no doubt giving her husband a deathly stare, "It's okay!"

brandon laughs, "jer, I told her you wouldn't have one, that there was no way you would -"

"actually, I have a girlfriend...so I do have a plus one" he face palms because, no, he doesn't have a girlfriend.

mason gasps, "what?"

brandon laughs like he doesn't believe jeremy.

"what's her name?" she asks.

jeremy gulps but then he says, "actually, it's y/n."

"y/n?" mason questions, "our friend, y/n? I thought you said you'd never see each other that way?"

he shrugged, even though the couple couldn't see him. which was good, because if they could, they would know he is lying. "something changed."

"well, that's great! how long??"

"a few months," he lies, "we've been keeping it pretty low-key. nobody really knows expect you two."

"this is so exciting, jeremy. I told you brandon."

jermey ignored that last sentence.

jeremy was almost guilty because mason was so happy based on the confession and it wasn't even the truth. so there he stood, in your kitchen looking into your soft eyes. "I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend."

you laugh, doubling over. "what? why?"

"brandon and mason are doing the lake house this year and they asked if i had a plus one and i said yes because I had a girlfriend and when they asked me who...well, you were the first person I thought of."

you stand up straight because, oh, he was being serious. then you grab that same bumblebee towel and whack his chest with it. "why would you do that?"

"ow! what else was I supposed to do?" he says, hand holding the peck you had just smacked.

"tell the truth?" you shrug, a raise to your brows. "did you forget that these are our friends - like we both know them...they are the last people who would believe this."

"you don't understand!," he walks over to your living room and flops on the couch cushions once again, "it's just i'm so tired of going to all this shit without a girlfriend and it's going to be like all couples and i didn't want to feel...left out. I don't know. just the way brandon sounded so unsure, I mean can you believe him? is me being in a relationship that big of a deal?" he takes a breath, "maybe I should call him back tell him I can't come."

you follow him and sit down, "no don't do that."

he scoffed, "think I should just show up by myself? no thank you."

you narrow your eyes, "that's no way to talk to your girlfriend."

his eyes dart over to yours and he sat up a little straighter, "what?"

you smiled at him softly and leaned deeper into the cushions, "I mean..forget what I said earlier. I can do it - we can do it, but...only if you ask me nicely."

he rolled his eyes but a smile was pulling at his lips, "y/n, will you please be my girlfriend?"

you smirked, "i'd be honoured jeremy."

he laughs, pulling you into his side so he can hug you, squeezing you tight. "I owe you."

—

june 19th 2023

"okay so, remind me how long did you tell them we've been dating?" you're sitting in the passenger seat of jermey's car, your hand resting out the window to catch the wind. you loll your head over against the head rest so you can look at your friend.

"a few months," jermey's eyes leave the road briefly to look into yours before darting back out the windshield. "I said we've been keeping it under wraps." he can smell your raspberry hair oil through the breeze flowing through the car and it has him shuddering.

"and why's that?"

he sighs slightly, "because we wanted to see if it would work before telling everyone."

"that makes sense." you hum. "so when did you realize you liked me?" you tease, knees pulled up to your chest.

jeremy laughed quickly, "nobody is going to ask that."

"they might!" you counter, a teasing smile still tugging at your lips that has jeremy joining in.

"if they ask...i'll say, I don't know, last year sometime?"

you nod, "okay...that makes sense."

jeremy thinks you're done with the questions for time being, so he turns up the radio slightly, the SZA song flowing through the speakers for only a moment before you're reaching over and turning it back down. "okay who's all going again?"

if jeremy wasn't so enamoured by you he would've thought you were being annoying. "the usual group, I think monte mentioned that beecher and matt poitras will be there."

"I haven't met them yet," you hum, "it will be harder to lie to them if they ask questions."

jermey groans, "don't remind me."

"my job is to constantly remind you," you tease, reaching over and patting the top of his head of curls, hair grown out from the summer. "don't worry jer, i'm the best liar I know."

"you're not the best one I know," he says, "maybe I should've just canceled."

"no." you insist, slapping your hand against the thick of his upper thigh quickly. "don't worry," you sigh, "we may not be dating, but it's not like we hate each other, right? we just have to act like we usually do... but in love. we got this, jer, we are the dream team."

jeremy blinks and looks over at you, the warmth from were your hand once sat now ice cold. he watches as you lean over, fiddling with the radio until the start of a new taylor swift song, one he's grown to love, is playing full blast. you're smiling, chest pushed against your folded legs, unknowing of his stare. jeremy swallows thickly at your words and nods. "yeah."

you smile at him then, grabbing his hand to get him to sing along to the familiar chords of bejeweled.

the two of you arrive at the lake house just over an hour later, jeremy waisting no time parking the car in between two other vehicles that sat along the side of the dirt driveway.

you were too busy admiring the large lake house to notice jeremy leave his seat and round to the passenger side, opening your door.

the sticky heat of the summer air snapped you out of your stare, "this is...really nice." your mouth is totally hung open in shock and jeremy takes notice of your expression, laughing softly.

"cmon," he helps you out of the car, letting you settle on your feet before jogging to the trunk, pulling it open so he can start unloading the weeks worth of luggage you claimed you needed (jeremy told you that you definitely didn't need two suitcases but it didn't take long before he was folding in your favour, wheeling both down to his car.)

"hey guys!" a voice calls out from the house. you look up from your small pile of bags to see mason carlo, accompanied by wren (who was like a whole toddler now which is crazy) and the two dogs. winnie and emmy are faster than their mom, their paws smacking on the wood, both running down the steps and jumping up at you and jeremy, tails wagging and panting.

"hey!" Jeremy calls out just as you drop down on your knees to except the puppy kisses. he heaves the last bag over his broad shoulder just as mason reaches you, wren tucked into her neck. "are we the last ones?"

"yeah," mason nods, "how was the drive?"

"it was good," you say. you place your hands on your knees, pushing up from your crouched position. you don't realize how close jeremy is standing and on your way up, your ass bumps against his crotch. he lets out a gentle grunt.

"sorry!" you wince, but before you can move away, jeremy's arm wraps around your waist, fingers flexing against your lower stomach as he pulls your back into his chest, holding you in place.

"it's okay baby." he says. you try not let your eyes widen at the nickname or the way you can feel his semi poking at your lower back. you're sure the blush you're now sporting is visible by anyone in the general vicinity.

mason must not notice your flustered face or jeremy's awkward smile because she coos,"aren't you too so cute, I'm glad you two are finally together." she squeezes her daughter, "right wren? aren't you glad the two are together?" wren laughs at her moms baby voice.

"finally?" you question, your eyes squinting from the sun and the tone of your friends voice but somebody calls out before mason can answer.

you see brandon and mac jog down the wooden steps of the porch, already sporting tans and wide smiles.

jermey clears his throat behind you, dropping his arm from your waist and turns around so he can adjust himself. you try not to frown at the loss of contact, smiling brightly as your friends greet you in big hugs.

"hey dude," charlie smiles, cheeks becoming even larger (which you didn't think was possible), wrapping you in a tight side hug.

brandon takes over, ruffling your hair after a quick embrace. "so," he smirks, "you and jer huh?"

you stutter, trying to form words under his inquisitive gaze but charlie's loud voice distracts you both, effectively ending that conversation.

"sway, dude, how's it going?" charlie smiles, dapping his goalie up before pulling him into a brief hug, like the handshake usually entails. you've never understood that, even though debrusk has tried to teach you multiple times - you've stayed confused.

"ready to relax," jeremy sighs. the guys laugh in agreement, ruffling up their friend a bit more before they each grab a suitcase, charlie proposing a race which has the two defencemen jogging away towards the house, mason trailing behind, calling the dogs with her.

you smile, picking up your duffle bag containing your skin and hair care, slinging it over your shoulder and you start to walk up to the house. you can hear the trunk click shut before you can hear jeremy's air forces move through the dirt. he slides into step beside you, grabbing the bag off your shoulder and slipping it over his free one.

"hey!" you protest.

"what?!" he laughs softly, "i'm not going to let my girlfriend carry her own bag, i'm a gentleman."

you send him a look as the two of you make it up the steps onto the porch. you stop before entering and you turn to look up at him, "i'm sorry about earlier, with the accidental grinding...it got awkward and now i'm feeling weird - i'm sorry."

jeremy blushes but laughs, even though it sounds awkward. "no, ugh that's my bad. you didn't do anything wrong so don't apologize."

you nod, "okay..." your smile is sheepish.

"and i'm sorry if me calling you baby made it awkward...I just thought-"

"no! I get it - it makes this more believable." you interrupt, gesturing between your bodies.

"hey, you guys don't need to be like, invited in...you're not vampires right?" brandon makes an appearance by the open door, now holding his daughter.

you send him a tight lipped smile and nod, sneaking past him, not without a tickle to the babies side, and walk into the home.

jeremy watches you leave with a look on his face that has brandon snickering. "you good?"

"yeah," the goalie scoffs, walking through the threshold into the house, avoiding eye contact with the defensemen all together.

brandon smirks at his retreating figure. "you can leave the bags at the stairs!' he calls out.

weaving through the kitchen, jeremy can hear your laugh before he can spot you. he feels that burning smile tugging at his lips, chest filling with that familiar warmth that always found its way into his body at the sound of your laugh.

he finds you on the back deck, mingling with the rest of the group. you're sitting beside danielle, who is hugging your side in a greeting, and jeremy assumes your old friend is the reason of your laughter.

"sway!" the group shouts in a greeting, a course of hellos echoing at him as he is spotted standing staring at you by the open patio door. he smiles politely at his teammates and their significant others, hugging and greeting his friends as he makes his way around the table they were all sat at. jeremy makes his way back around to where you are sitting, the sun hitting your face, leaving you squinting and flushed.

jeremy smiles at your expression, taking the only free chair beside you - which was probably left open for him purposely.

you're still squinting as you look over at him and wordlessly he unhooks the pair of sunglasses attached to the round of his tshirt, sliding them onto your face.

you're glad the sun is beating on your skin because you're blushing at his gesture, "you don't need them?"

he's squinting too but shrugs, "gotta protect your pretty eyes." he almost shocks himself with his statement but he doesn't show it, looking away before he has no choice but to kiss you.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me," danielle says and you're blinking hard, head snapping away from jeremy and towards your blonde friend. she pushes your upper arm with a teasing grin.

"tell you what?" you question, brows drawn together behind the rim of jermey's large sunglasses.

she laughs softly and gives you a bewildered look. you're still giving her a clueless expression so she wildly gestures between you and the net tender on your left. "about the two of you! dating."

"right!" you say, blinking fast. you toss your hand on jermey's thick thigh, rubbing it briefly. at your touch jeremy tenses slightly, you can feel it under your palm. he turns fast from his conversation with kiley, eyes meeting danielle's from beside you.

subsiding his fluster from your touch, jeremy smiles politely at the blond, throwing an arm around the back of your chair like it was second nature. "it's new, we didn't tell anybody until...recently."

"It's just surreal!," she gushes, "I always thought the two of you would be cute together. i've been telling y/n that since, what, like january last year?" her last question is directed at you, which has jeremy also looking, awaiting your answer.

it's clear danielle has no real intention of obtaining an answer because she turns away, pulled into a conversation with mason and a babbling wren.

you let out a breath, retracting your hand from jermey's strong muscle. jeremy is quicker than you though, grabbing your hand before it's gone, interlocking his fingers with yours and setting them back against his thigh.

the two of you smile at one another, and it feels like time is slowing down, thick like syrup and for a moment you let yourself pretend that it was real. but then coyle is grabbing jermey's attention, and kiley wants to show you pictures from her last dress fitting and the syrup is gone.

the rest of the afternoon goes buy quickly, brandon takes charge of grilling up burgers and hotdogs for lunch that are inhaled quickly. after that, mason drags you to the local grocery store, the two of you loading up the cart with the healthy amount of food and drinks.

an hour later you're back at the lake house, and the two of you along with kiley and danielle immediately start unloading the plethora of groceries you bought that was needed to feed the amount of athletes being housed.

you're on washing duty, fruits and vegetables alike. you're standing at the sink, laughing at something danielle says as you strain the strawberries when brandon and jeremy walk in from outside. brandon walks up to mason, giving her a kiss and swiping his card out of her jean short pocket. you're smiling sweetly at them over your shoulder when jermey slides in beside you, dropping a couple plates in the empty side of the sink.

you're looking at him as he reaches across you to grab a sponge, getting to work on scrubbing the dishes. you bite your lip and look back down, switching out the strawberries for raspberries, repeating the rinsing process.

he finishes the washing up quickly, and then moves behind you, reaching around your body to grab a strawberry. you shiver as his arm brushes your hip. "hey!" you scold, "they're not even dry yet."

"I can help it," he says around chewing, "they're so juicy when they're fresh." he says the last part in your ear, trying to sound sudective but all you can hear is his chewing and it has you laughing, pushing him away as his voice tickles your neck.

"you're so gross." you laugh, putting the raspberries to the side. you're done cleaning all the food so you turn to face him, grabbing the last bit of strawberry in his fingers and popping it in your mouth.

he tongues his cheek as you chew up at him, the both of you caught in a staring match, too afraid to let the moment pass.

but then mac is pushing jermey away in favour of grabbing raspberries and you walk away to hide your blush.

the night approaches fast, everyone winding down in the living room or in their respective bedrooms - watching movies or scrolling social media. you're watching some funny tiktok on kiley's phone, the two of you giggling together when mason descends down the stairs, retuning from putting the toddler to bed.

charlie is then plopping down between you and his girlfriend which has you laughing, pushing away from him and unknowingly into jeremy, your back bumping his broad shoulder.

"oh, god," mason breathes, having you look over at her, "i'm a terrible host. i'll show you and jermey to your room."

"oh my god, no worries," you say, using jermey's thigh as leverage to push yourself up to stand, "you've done so much, I wouldn't care if we had to sleep in a tent outside."

she waves you off, "alright you two, cmon." jeremy's hand touches your back ever so lightly, as if to guide you in the direction of the blonde. "brandon," mason calls from the stairs, "can you start bringing up their bags? when you get a moment."

she doesn't wait for a response and starts leading you and jermey up the steps and then down the hallway until you're all at the second last door.

the room is nice, you think when she opens the oak door - cream coloured walls decorated in homey artwork, accompanied by a large wardrobe and an even bigger window. there's a mahogany desk with neatly folded towels on top, a couple shower essentials in a bin beside them. the bed looks heavenly, a queen sized mattress covered in four fluffed pillows and a matching duvet, a throw blanket hanging off the end.

"it's not much," mason laughs, "but it'll do."

"no, mase, it's beautiful," you say, fingers brushing over the navy bed spread. "this is more than enough."

brandon walks in then, with the rest of the bags he hadn't brought up earlier in the day. he rolls your suitcase beside the closet. "well," the defenseman says, "we will let you two settle in, it's been a long day i'm sure you two want to...canoodle."

you blush deep at his insinuation, jeremy rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly and mason laughs, slapping her husbands chest as she slips into his side. "let us know if you need anything. we're the last door by the stairs."

"thanks guys," jeremy says after clearing his throat awkwardly, waiting until the door clicks shut before he turns to you and lets out a deep breath. "are you okay?"

you raise your brows, dropping down to sit on the bed. jeremey walks over, taking the spot beside you. "are you okay?"

he leans back on his elbows and look over at you. "i'm sorry I didn't even think about having to share a bed, I can sleep on the floor if you want."

"what? jer, no. we've shared a couch before! it's just like that but it's a bed. not a big deal, right?"

jeremey gulps, "yeah...right." he laughs, snapping himself out of his own thoughts, "as long as you promise not to stare at me when i'm changing we should be good."

you send him a look but smile anyways, falling on to your back. before you think too hard, you're moving, rolling into the side of jeremy's strong torso, the action pulling out a sigh of content.

he chuckles as your breath tickles his ribs, absentmindedly rubbing a hand up and down your back. "you okay though? really?" jeremy whispers.

you smile into his shirt, nodding gently. "yeah. I think i'm going to head for a shower though, i've been sweating all day." you see the tiny clock on the nightstand says 8:45, and it has you standing up - grabbing your toiletry bag from your luggage and a set of appropriate pyjamas for sharing a bed with your guy best friend. "i'll be back soon." you nod.

"okay," jeremy smiles, standing up as he moves to unpack his bags, assumingely grabbing something to sleep in. "i'll be here."

"you better be," you laugh, heading towards the bathroom. its 20 minutes later when you return to the shared bedroom. your hair is wet, sitting against the gray tank top on your back, water darkening the material.

jeremy is slouched against the headboard, watching a video on his phone but looks up when the door is clicked shut. he smiles lazily at you, sleep clear in his eyes. he looks so cuddly under the covers, only illuminated by the bedside lamp. you're fighting the urge to swoon.

you have to not read too deep into the way he took the right side of the bed knowing you prefer the left, and the way he gave up one of his two pillows because you can't sleep comfortably without three. so you don't pay it any mind, smiling at him gently and climbing into bed, tucking into his side until you're both falling asleep to the sound his his youtube video.

—

it was wren's squeal that woke you up right as the sun was rising. you groaned into the pillow, burying your face deeper into the soft fabric. a thick arm tightened its grip around your waist. for a moment, you panic, trying to wriggle away from the person who had you locked in bed, but the mystery person grumbled and groaned.

"y/n/n if you keep moving like that, i'm going to need a cold shower. so stop."

oh.

jeremy.

oh.

immediately you stop moving, relaxing into your friends arms. "sorry," you stifle your laugh.

he's clearly still sleepy because jeremy doesn't let you go but instead he pulls you closer into his chest, breathing into your mess of frizzy hair. "mhmm it's okay."

you hear wren again, followed by charlie's distinctive laugh and then the smell of breakfast wafts upstairs, invading your nostrils and that makes your mouth salivate. "I can smell breakfast." your voice is quiet and you turn your head so can look at him properly. you find jeremy's eyes already on you softly.

suddenly you feel hot under the covers, his eyes burning into your exposed skin. "should we go down?" you ask with a small gulp.

he shrugs, "I kinda like laying here with you."

you playfully roll your eyes, looking away before he can see the wide smile that takes over your face. but jeremy does see it and he can't help but smile even wider than you had, feeling successful in his attempted flirting.

"let's get up." you insist, pushing away from him a little.

feeling bold, jeremy grips you tighter with a smirk, "oh, i'm already up." on cue you feel something hard around your hip and your eyes widen. it isn't much longer until your squealing and falling out of bed with laughter.

"jermey oh my god! you're such a douche." but it had no real bite, your angelic laughter music to jermey's ears.

"i'm sorry," he laughs, "It literally happens almost every morning and it's even worse when i wake up with a pretty girl pressed against me. I can't ignore nature." jer shrugs.

you raise your brows, "you wake up beside pretty girls often?"

he looks so serious when he says, "only you."

it has you feeling flustered and you pick yourself up, trying to keep your expression neutral: searching through your bag for a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to change into. "get dressed you big flirt."

by the time you made it downstairs after taking care of your hair and brushing your teeth, brandon was just about done frying the eggs at the stove. "hey you two."

you look behind you at his words and see jeremy, rubbing the last bit of sleep from his eye, wearing much more clothing than the last time you saw him.

"breakfast is just about ready," brandon continues.

jeremy moves past you on the stairs, running a hand over your tamed hair as he passes. you follow after him with a shove to his shoulder, the other hand smoothing your hair back out.

you take a seat on a bar stool, right in front of the breakfast making. your stomach growls at the sight of melted butter and perfectly cooked bacon.

you assume not everyone is awake yet, as you don't spot the macavoys or beecher anywhere, any lingering feeling of being late to the informal breakfast seeping away.

brandon and charlie coyle stand in front of you on the other side of the kitchen island, setting out sausages and eggs in a buffet style sequence, not finishing without fighting about the best style of eggs, which has everyone joining in. not long after that, everybody is serving themselves a plate and sitting back down to dig in.

you end up between jeremy and matthew, still in your original seat. breakfast is filled with small chatter, and you're laughing at something danielle says from the dining table when the stairs creek. you look behind your shoulder and see john beecher coming down the stairs, still clad in pyjama bottoms and a plain white tshirt, eyes not long open as he stumbles to the island. he greets the room as he begins to load his plate with a heavy portion of home fries.

"so, y/n," john says, meeting your eyes briefly before loading some eggs onto his platter, "how did you and sway meet? i feel like everybody knows the story but me."

"I don't know the story," matthew says from beside you, shoving toast in his mouth.

beecher's question is innocent enough, so you find yourself swallowing your piece of bacon quickly. charlie snickers pleasantly, like he usually does when the story is about to be told, from a few seats down. you take a sip of coffee, "we met at a bar." you settle on, avoiding charlie's stare for shoving some eggs in your mouth.

"that's it? give me detail, y/n. paint the picture," john says, dragging a stool around so he could sit across from you, plate sitting right in the middle of all the serving trays.

laughing awkwardly, you nod, "umm, okay...it was summer so it was hot in the bar, and I was doing the drink run for my table. so I went up to get drinks for my friends and I, one of them being danielle." you looked over to your blonde friend, but she was busy at the table watching mason feed wren. "and umm, a guy came up to me and started hitting on me."

"ouuu, was it sway?" matthew asked beside you, chuckling as he plopped a handful of blueberries in his mouth.

you laughed and shook your head, "no, actually it was charlie."

john coughed as he choked on his sip of orange juice. "what?! coyle?"

charlie laughed, "yeah, don't look so suprised. I was hitting on her and it was working and then sway walks over, babbling about something - totally kills my game."

jeremy rubs his eyes in embarrassment. "oh my god I hate this."

"and then at the end of the night charlie asked me out." you continue.

"so wait," john says, brows furrowed, "you two used to date?"

"only for like four months," you say, "but that's how I met jer."

john and matthew laugh, but it's john who says, "so charlie beat you to her huh? asked her out before you could."

you can feel jeremy looking at you, so you keep your eyes forward.

"yeah...he did." he says.

oh.

"but, it all worked out in the end." charlie says, oblivious to the way the air grew thick between you and the bruins goaltender.

john hums, chewing on a sausage. "im just suprised is all - the way sway talks about you y/n, is like you two have been together since like forever...I can't believe it."

oh wow.

"I wasn't expecting that," matthew says beside you, forking some of his egg into his mouth. "it's kind of like you guys were just...one step out of order which each other."

"yeah," you nod gently. sipping on some more coffee.

jeremy tosses an arm around the back of your chair, his plate already devoured. his fingers itch to rub along the expanse of your exposed arm, the black ink of your tattoo tempting him.

"so sway, what did you think when you first saw her." the question has him looking away from your skin, eyes blown wide.

you are looking at john with the same expression, crossing your legs nervously, accidentally slapping your foot against matt's calf. you were actually going to die because of john beecher.

jeremy laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with the hand that once sat behind you. "well, I can remember her laugh. I really liked her laugh. it was loud but unique- it matched her perfectly." he gulps, looking into your eyes for the first time since the conversation started, "and she was wearing a black skirt and some black strappy top and I remember thinking she looked really...beautiful. and then we started talking and I thought she was so smart, she still is one of the smartest people I know. I fell for her that night, charlie be damned."

then jeremey smiles sheepishly, looking away from your gentle gaze and back over to the rookie, john, who is staring at the two of you with a look you can't decipher.

"but it all worked out in the end." jeremy reiterates the words said earlier by charlie, "we're here now. right baby?" the nickname has you freezing and that pretend world you'd been in once again disappearing.

"yeah," you clear your throat. jeremey's words laying heavy on your heart. "it did."

you think it's a shame it was pretend, because when guys usually talked about you, the first thing they bring up is something superficial or objectifying...never your laugh or your brains. it has you melting back into that pretend land and reaching over run your hand through jeremy's curls, smiling in thanks.

kiley and charlie descended down the stairs then, a mix of greetings and heckling being thrown at them about their late wake up time as theyre grabbing their breakfast. the conversation grows normal again, less talk about yourself and jermey's fake love story and more about plans for the day.

the boys all head out after breakfast to workout at the local gym, claiming they needed to burn off the grease. that left yourself and the girls to sit out in the sun for the morning, each taking turns tanning and entertaining wren and/or the dogs in the peak summer heat.

you're holding wren in your lap when the boys get back two hours after their initial departure, the sound of vehicles rolling into the driveway alerting you all. wren claps her hands at the mention of her dad, which has you smiling with her as she talks your ear off.

it feels like 5 minutes later when the boys are entering the backyard in their respective bathing suits to join you all. bare feet thumping down the back deck steps and onto the separate wooden platform.

suddenly a shadow covers the sun from your skin and you glance up to find jermey smiling down at you two, "hey," you whisper.

"hey there," he smirks.

"hi," wren laughs in her adorable little voice, leaving the two of you laughing.

"move your legs a little," he tells you, to which you do, the once occupied space now being taken over by jeremy's large frame. he wraps a hand around your ankle, squeezing slightly. you try not to squirm from his touch.

"how was your work out?" you ask to try and distract yourself from the way jeremy was playing with wrens little feet, making her smile up at him. if you keep watching him interact with the baby you're ovaries will surely light themselves on fire.

"it was good," he says, eyes darting up to meet yours. "how is tanning?"

"nice but i'm very hot now." you huff, pulling hair away from your neck.

he smirks, eyes dancing over your now exposed throat, "yeah you look it."

instead of dissecting that comment you tickle the girl sitting against your bent legs, "did you hear that? jer is trying to make moves on me."

he laughs loudly, head thrown back which makes the little girl laugh as well, her barbie hitting against your lower stomach, "well you are my girlfriend in case you couldn't remember."

"how could I forget?" you tease him, digging your foot into his thigh.

jeremy is leaning closer into you and you can smell his body wash. his tongue darts out to wet his lower lip and you have to resist the urge to lean in to close the gap, wanting to use your own tongue on his mouth instead, licking and kissing until you can't breathe.

as if brandon can hear your thoughts, he walks over. "okay lovebirds, i'm going to take my daughter back before she sees something she shouldn't."

you roll your eyes playfully but let him grab a laughing wren from your lap without fuss, brandon immediately kissing her chubby cheek and bouncing her in his large arms, leaving you and jeremy alone.

when you look back over at him, he's already got his eyes on you. he wraps and arm around your legs now that they aren't occupied by a small human, and tug them into his side. the way he moves you around has you feeling warm, clenching your thighs together.

he runs a hand down your thigh, feeling the heat of your skin he ticks his tongue, "are you wearing sunscreen?"

"I put some on earlier but I haven't re applied it recently..." you can see his smirk forming, a dirty comment desperate to make an appearance, "and before you get any ideas, you're not rubbing sunscreen on me, this isn't a porno."

"I wish it was," beecher teases in passing, beer clutched in his hand.

that has jeremey laughing, his chest vibrating against your legs. "I was just going to suggest that maybe you should head into the lake for a bit...cool off. I'll come with you."

in a moment of boldness you smirk, "well if you're coming with me I won't be able to cool off,"

surprisingly jeremey catches your suggestive tone and raises his brows at you, tonguing his cheek in a way that has you sweating. I mean, you weren't blind. your friend was stupid good looking, you've thought that since that night at the bar and that was back when he wasn't quite as built as he is now. but now he's filled out, grew a inch or so taller and uses all that expensive cologne that makes him smell ridiculously good.

"that's good then," he says, "because I haven't been able to cool off since the moment we met."

jeremey is leaning close enough so even if prying eyes and ears wanted to eavesdrop, they couldn't, his whisper too slow and too quiet. suddenly the situation feels too real and you're gulping, sitting up a bit straighter.

"i'm going to get a drink." jeremey lets go of your legs and your up standing immediately, walking away from him and into the house. and if you have to stick your head in the freezer to calm down that's nobody's business.

when you return outside 5 minutes later, you don't go back to where jermey sits and that has him frowning.

jeremey gave you space for the rest of the day, going as far to look away when the two of you made eye contact. he sat with matthew during dinner while you sat with mason and brandon, claiming you wanted more time with their daughter so your and jeremey's distance didn't seem suspicious.

the day in the sun had tired you out and you headed to bed just after 8. you lay awake for awhile and you can't help but think of the day as well as your conversation with jeremy on that lounge chair.

you have to remember that your friendship has always been touchy and flirty - it wasn't new but that doesn't mean your stomach didn't flutter anytime his touch lingered, or when his breath tickled your skin, or when his words have you wondering: wondering if maybe he felt the same way about you that you've always felt about him.

jeremy comes upstairs an hour after you had, and you pretended to be asleep when he whispered your name. regardless he cuddled into you, leaving your heart beating rapidly.

you're the first one awake the next morning, the sun just barley peeking over the horizon through the open window. you gently push jeremy's arm of your waist and sneak downstairs, pulling his discarded hoodie on as you descend down the hallway quietly.

you make yourself a cup of coffee, stirring in your sugar as the room is enveloped in the first hour of sunshine.

the sound of feet dragging have you glancing over your shoulder to see john. he's wearing the same pyjama pants as the previous day but no shirt this time, which has you looking away like you've been caught staring when you shouldn't have been.

"good morning," he sighs, moving so he is standing beside you, making himself his own morning coffee.

"morning," you smile politely, testing your drink before deciding you need another sugar.

"brandon mentioned taking the boat out today," he adds his creamer to the mug, "you going to come?"

"that sounds nice," you agree, "i'll definitely be joining."

"good," he takes a sip of his drink, turning to face you, "he said there's a decent sand bar like 10 minutes out that's never busy - should be a nice spot."

"yeah," you take another sip, "I hope nobody is there, i'm not in the mood for conversation with strangers."

john laughs which makes you giggle along. "I hear that."

"hey," a voice interrupts and you look over and see a very sleepy jeremy. he's shirtless too which has you feeling warm, eyes darting down to look into your mug "i wondered where you went." jeremy says to you and you shrug, peeking over the rim of your drink to look at him.

"sorry, woke up early." you shrug. "I didn't want to wake you."

just as jeremy looks like he may say something more, brandon jogs down the stairs behind him, wren babbling in his ear about food. "oh hey, didn't think i'd see anybody yet, I would've put pants on."

suddenly you're very aware of the fact brandon's only wearing boxers and you laugh, looking away.

"I was just talking about the plans for today and that sand bar you mentioned." john says, grabbing some ingredients to make what looks like a smoothie.

"yeah," brandon nods, adding apple juice to a sippy cup, "i'm so down for that, you all coming?"

so that's how you ended up on the boat, jeremy sitting beside you as the two of you, brandon, john, matthew, mason, danielle and kiley all clad in beach attire as brandon drove out to the sand bar.

your arm brushes against your friends anytime brandon hits a wave, but you don't dare look over at him. you keep your eyes straight forward, even when you can feel jeremy's burning into the side of your head.

it isn't long before you're all arriving, anchoring down only 3 or so meters from the hump of sand that has formed a sand bar. there wasn't anybody else there, like brandon claimed, so your prayers of no conversation had been answered.

just as the engine shuts off and people start moving around, grabbing floaties and drinks alike, you can see jeremy look at you again. "y/n?" he whispers quietly.

you weren't wanting to be confronted on the boat in front of all your friends, so you pretend you don't hear him, standing quickly and making your way to the back of the boat were you see the girls chatting and changing out of their cover up's and into their bathing suits.

"you getting in?" kiley asked as you approached. she is standing, peering down into the water below like she may be unsure.

"yeah," you say and without much longer, you reach for the hem of your loose tank top, pulling it up and over your head to reveal your halter bikini top.

danielle whistles from her spot sitting with her feet in the water, "looking hot y/n!" the girls start cat calling you and you blush, throwing your top at your blond friend.

at the commotion, jeremy looks away from his conversation with charlie just as you're bent over in favour of taking off your jean shorts, giving him the perfect view of your bikini covered ass.

he blows out air, turning away as a blush rises to his face. charlie just laughs at him, patting his shoulder as he makes his way over to the girls, leaving jeremey to collect himself.

charlie rushes past you, cannonballing into the lake, effectively soaking his fiancé and drenching your legs.

"hey!" danielle scolds, wiping her face. charlie then swims back over, dragging her into the water.

you're laughing at your friends protests when suddenly hands are on your hips, arms bringing you to a chest before their launching you both off the boat, plunging into the chilled morning water.

you are submerged and the hands let go, allowing you to freely swim up to the surface. you splutter, pushing your hair away from your face. turning around you find jeremy just as he emerges and you shove his shoulder. "what the hell."

you're thankful other people have started jumping in, their screams and laughter drowning out your harsh tone.

he wipes his face before sending you a stern look. "why are you ignoring me?"

"i'm not."

"you are." he fights back. "did I do something?"

he looks genuinely concerned and it has your stomach dropping. "no...no you didn't do anything."

"so why are you mad at me?"

"i'm not mad at you," you say quickly, "sorry just yesterday I just..."

"look, if I made you uncomfortable..." jeremy starts and you shake your head, shoulders starting to burn from shredding water. "you didn't do anything, Jer. I was just feeling sick or something." he's looking at you all warm and it has your shoulders deflating. "I shouldn't have been cold towards you."

he breathes out a sigh, "well, are you okay?"

"i'm fine, I promise."

"okay, just, I don't want to ever upset you and I was going crazy thinking I did something wrong. I miss you like every moment we don't talk, it's kind of insane - and I never want to be the reason we don't talk, y/n. dream team remember?"

you nod, "dream team. i'm sorry."

he shakes his head, "don't apologize."

a beat passes and then your sighing, "my arms are going to fall of soon if we keep talking here, I can't reach the bottom."

without a word he grabs one of your moving legs, dragging you through the water until he can wrap both of your thighs around his hips, holding you against him. "is that better?" he whispers, eyes searching your face for any signal of your emotions.

you nod once, "yeah..."

the moment feels too real again so you laugh, "screw you for being tall and reaching the bottom."

expect jeremy doesn't laugh but holds an expression you can't quite pinpoint. "what were you and johnny talking about this morning before I came down?"

"oh," you breathe out, "nothing really. just the boat I guess, we just kind of woke up at the same time and made coffee," you see his expression is sour so you smirk, "why?...are you jealous?"

he laughs at first like he's going to deny it, shaking his head slowly. but then he says, "maybe I am,"

"don't be," you whisper, fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, your legs lightly squeezing his torso to keep yourself grounded.

his face changes again, "I don't want him taking you away from me with his stupid charm and stupid face..."

you're looking into his eyes with the same look you had given him that night outside the bar. "nobody could ever take me from you, jer."

your tone is gentle and it has him melting into your touch. his eyes dart down to your lips and you take a shallow breath, anticipating swirling deep in your gut.

just as it looks like jeremy might lean in, you're interrupted. "hey! you guys hungry?" mason calls from the boat, "we are gunna head back soon to get the grill going!"

you clear your throat, unraveling your legs from jeremey's torso to which he sighs, dropping his hands from your waist. "okay! yeah sounds good," you call back. your pray nobody could tell your voice was shaky, too pumped up on adrenaline of what almost happened.

your turn your gaze back to jeremy and you find he is still looking at you, a blush starting to form on his face.

you smile brightly, splashing him with the water before darting away, letting him chase after you in the water as you make your way back to the boat.

the rest of the day is spent relaxing, especially now that jeremey has brought you back to earth from your previous self pity party. everybody ends up hanging outside for the rest of the day, drinking and snacking until the sun was setting on the lake, to which they headed inside to get a start on dinner - which was going to be pasta.

the last lingering person slips inside as the stars start to twinkle, leaving you still lying on your sun bed, staring up into the now night sky. you're sure it's chilly now, but the six white claws that are flowing through your blood stream are effective in keeping you from feeling cool.

a familiar face appears above you which has you smiling softly. "you're blocking my view."

jeremy laughs, "oh my apologies your highness," he teases, "aren't you cold?"

you shrug, "nah...i'm too busy trying to find the dippers."

jeremy looks up briefly with lip stuck between his teeth. he chuckles, looking back down. "okay, make room for me, i'll help you look."

"and how are you going to fit on here?"

"sit up," he instructs and you roll your eyes playfully but obey. just then he slips in behind you, his legs falling in line beside yours. just as you go to question him he pulls you back down so your pressed into his front. then he pulls his knees up, trapping you in. "that comfortable?"

you nod, too nervous to speak. your eyes search the stars again but it isn't long before you can feel jeremy chuckle, "got it."

"what? where is it?"

"look carefully," he tells you, grabbing your hand and bringing them both into the sky, where he then points in the direction of the constellation with both your fingers. "see it now?" his breath is warm against your ear.

you nod. "I do." a beat of silence passes, "isn't it beautiful?"

your eyes are still dancing through the stars when jeremey looks down at you, a smile tugging at his lips. "the most beautiful."

"are you guys like fucking or can you come eat with us?" you recognize charlie macovy's voice form the back door and it has you sitting up.

laughing you say, "don't be gross." you push away from the man behind you, leaving him to take a deep breath and follow behind you.

the next couple days end up being pretty tame. the group ends up either tanning, swimming to walking on the nearby trail. all eating together and packing in early every night and each night john jokes that you're all old, but cuddling into bed with jeremy at the end of every day made you not care.

it's the second last night at the lake house and instead of being boring like you all had been for the past couple nights, matthew and john beg for a bonfire which brandon agrees wasn't a bad idea. so he sends the two youngest out to get some drinks and smore necessities while the rest of you stay back and start the fire.

matt and john get back just as the sky turns dark and you have all taken a seat on makeshift chairs and benches. it doesn't take long after smore making for you to start feeling the affects of your consumed bottle of wine.

your laugh becomes louder and your face becomes redder, which has jeremy laughing amused at your tipsy state.

a few hours pass and mason has to put wren and the dogs to bed, which ends up with brandon following for a much needed sleep. kiley and charlie head up to bed too, followed by matthew which leaves not many of you by the fire.

never be like you is coming out the mini speaker, loud enough so you could dance and sing along, but quiet enough where it wouldn't disturb anybody sleeping in the lake house.

jeremey watches you and danielle twirl each other around, smiling and laughing amongst yourselves.

"sway, there's something I want to say," charlie says beside him, which catches the goalies attention. coyle laughs, "I should've said this along time ago but, back at the bar when I asked y/n out...I knew that you wanted her, I could tell by the way you looked at each other." charlie takes a sip of beer, "I really thought you would've beaten me to her that night so I was shocked when she said she'd go out with me."

"really?"

"yeah," charlie says, "even on our first date, she asked about you. I thought she was just curious about my friends, but she didn't ask about anyone else. you're her home, jeremy. so...I don't know, I guess i'm apologizing for dating her and not giving you a chance because I think you both wanted it."

jermey gulps, "oh. it's, ugh, its all good."

"she's like really awesome, and a great girl and an even better friend for setting me up with my now finance. now that you finally have her, never let her go."

just as he goes to respond, you stumble over, tripping over some uneven ground but before jeremy can get out to break your fall, you catch your balance, laughing. "whoops."

"you okay?" jeremy asks amused. you're clearly drunk, he can tell by the way your eyes have glossed over and how your chest was red with heat.

you nod with a smile, "jer...come dance with me?"

"I don't know," he laughs softly, eyes moving over your body as if he was assessing you.

you frown playfully, "please? just one dance. please, I love this song."

you can already see the answer on his face before jeremy speaks and that is enough. his slight smile and shy eyes have you breaking out into a grin, grabbing his hand and pulling him out of the camping chair.

he does all the work of pulling up his body weight though, too heavy for your intoxicated sate. you're smiling when you start dancing, arms wrapping around his neck. the synth pop tune is suddenly quiet, and you're focused on the way jeremy is breathing, staring down at you with the most gentle smile. "if you're sick of me after this week and never want to see me again, I understand." you say.

jeremy draws his brows together, "what? no. nothing could make me never want to see you again."

you bit your lip to try and stop your smile.

"and honestly," he lowers his voice, "this has turned out easier than I thought it would be - I think that's why I chose you to be my fake girlfriend for this trip. I knew we could do it."

you take a shaky breath, choosing to ignore the fake part of fake girlfriend. "why do you think that is?"

your question seems simple enough, jeremy not catching the underlying tone of real wonder. he looks away from your gaze and over to the lake. shrugging his shoulders, he swallows thickly, "I'm not sure, maybe I knew that I didn't really have to pretend with you"

he looks back over to you with a sheepish expression but the look on your face has him frowning slightly. you're eyes are starting to close, the affects of your wine finally catching up to you. "y/n..." jeremy says your name in a whisper. it has you blowing your eyes open wide and you stumble again. he blinks hard, running a hand flat over your hair before keeping his hand resting on where your neck and shoulder meets. jeremy laughs slightly. "I think it's time for bed."

you let jeremy tuck you under his arm, and you use his body weight as support while you both bid goodbyes to the remaining bonfire enjoyers. he's practically walking for you as the two of you climb up the stairs and slip through the back doors of the lake house: slowly pattering up the carpeted stairs with jeremy guiding your hips to ensure your stability.

jeremy shuts the bedroom door once the two of you are inside the room and when he turns back around to face you, you're lying flat on the bed, smiling lazily over at jeremy.

"you can't fall asleep yet," he teases, walking over and tracing a pattern on your thigh, "you have to change out of your bonfire clothes."

he's referring to your jean cut offs and oversized bruins shirt. his words have you groaning out, "can you do it for me."

you miss the way jeremy gulps nervously, eyes darting away when your legs fall open and your pink underwear become slightly visible. you call his name and he looks back over. you have your hands out, "please, i'm tired."

he nods quickly, grabbing a hold of your outstretched hand and pulling you into a sitting position. you're still sporting that lazy smile that has jeremy feeling nervous. "stand up for me." he says quietly and you nod, standing on unsteady feet infront of your best friend.

he's not looking into your eyes when his fingers pop open your shorts metal button, running down and pulling on the small zipper. your chest starts heaving at his gentle touches. he drops down to his knees infront of you, slowly pulling down the material off your legs. his knuckles grazing your smooth skin has you sighing, mouth hung open.

he's still avoiding your stare, his eyes focused on the knitted blanket beside him. the alcohol is still in control of your actions and it has you giggling quietly just as jeremy reaches your ankles.

"lift your foot." he says, eyes finally falling on your feet to make sure you keep your balance. you grab a hold on his strong shoulder so you can lift your feet one at a time so the shorts can fall to the carpeted floor.

the room is only illuminated by the moon light, which jermey is thankful for. he's sure his red face is very bright, his semi even more noticeable under his lulu lemon shorts. you’re left in the same shirt and your underwear, the tshirt just barley covering your exposed butt cheeks.

"jer," you whisper as he moves to a standing position. he's still not looking in your eyes so you reach out, hand resting over the stubble on his jawline and cheek. "you can look at me."

his eyes finally flicker to yours and you smile, your other hand moving to rest on his chest. instinctively, jermey grabs your waist, your tshirt bunching up and exposing your hip, covering by your pink thong. "can I ask you something?"

he's nodding wordlessly so you continue. "if charlie didn't ask me out that night...would you have?"

jeremy doesn't answer right away, only the sound of his breathing lets you know that he's actually still infront of you.

he thinks back to earlier in the evening, and his conversation with his teammate. he thinks you're just curious, no other reason why you could possibly want to know. jeremy tries not to let his mind wander back to how your half naked infront of him. how not even the smell of smoke could over power your fruit hair oil he can smell. he also thinks about how you're intoxicated, and how you aren't going to remember this interaction when you wake up tomorrow. so, jermey sighs, squeezing your hip, "yes, I would have."

"jeremy...I should tell you- "

"it's okay," he whispers, embarrassment of his confession wanting to badly take over, "it all worked out, right. best friends."

no, you think. we aren't just friends, please just confess. lean in and kiss me and take me to bed and just finally love me -

"you're still drunk," jermey interrupts your racing mind, "let's just go to sleep."

—

the sun beating on your back is what wakes you up the next morning. it has your groaning out, pulling the covers up and over your head to further bury yourself in the cocoon. it doesn't take long to realize you're alone, the bed empty next to you.

you sit up, frowning at your lack of pyjama bottoms but then you start to remember the night before. the dancing, jermey's calloused hands on your legs, his confession, you're longing need for your best friend. you feel like crying, groaning and covering your eyes.

you slip on a pair of sweatpants and a different shirt, trying your best to eliminate the smell of bonfire before you need to take a shower. mason and danielle are the only ones downstairs, greeting you with sweet smiles and an avocado bagel. your stomach growls at the sight, devouring the breakfast quicker than the coffee pot finishes its brew. "where's everybody gone?"

mason looks at you over her shoulder from her spot on the stove. "oh! the guys went for a run and I think kiley is still sleeping."

you nod, taking a sip of fresh coffee.

danielle giggles, biting down on her own bagel. "why? missing your man?"

you try not to frown at her question and you just nod once.

your mid sip when the boys return from their run, all shirtless, tan and sweaty. when you spot jeremy, you choke, his sweat glistening off his body making him look even more desirable. danielle pats your back while you collect yourself, the boys making fun of your reaction as they pass.

jeremy sends a quickly smile your way before turning to make his way upstairs. in that moment, you're sure he thinks you don't remember the night before, so you decide that you'll pretend you don't: that you'll go on about your day as you two usually would.

that way it wouldn't be awkward or tense and even though all you wanted to do was finally tell jermey how you feel - finally confess everything after all these years, you won't. because you think if he felt the same way...he would've told you last night. he doesn't want to embarrass you, you think.

so when jeremy returns from his shower 15 minutes later, smelling like woody cologne and old spice products you smile normally, pulling him in for a hug that has mason cooing and danielle giggling. he squeezes you back and kisses the side of your head and in that moment you smile because ignorance is bliss and you can't loose him.

wren is very active, so in the afternoon you all take her for a walk on the nearby trail, dogs dancing throughout all your feet as they move. jeremy has to ignore the urge to kill his teammate when you trip, beecher catching you and letting his hands linger on your waist for a few extra seconds. it's whatever.

dinner approaches quickly, and brandon uses whatever is still left in the fridge to cook up a meal. it ends up being a mix match chicken taco feast, with masons famous garden salad - which was super tasty. the conversation was flowing, everyone trying to make good use of the last night all together before parting ways.

jeremy has been holding a sour expression since the hike, jaw clenched with white knuckles. only speaking when spoken to. even during dinner when you placed your arm on his bicep, he tensed, but didn't look at you: shoving more leafy greens into his mouth.

wren goes to bed not long after, followed by beecher and matt who claimed they needed rest for their early morning. so brandon suggested a movie night, which was highly praised. everyone occupying chairs and couches alike, snuggled under throw blankets as monte slid are we there yet? into the old dvd player.

you're chuckling quietly when jeremy glances over at you. the room is pretty much dark now, only illuminated by the tv screen. he can't help but let a smile tug at his lips, they way you looked so happy made him feel better. he knows he's been acting a grouch all afternoon, he just can't get over how john touched your body, or the way the rookie never failed to make you giggle. it was so...infuriating.

you catch his eyes but jeremy looks away. it has your frowning before looking back at the tv, movie nearing its end.

when the credits roll everybody bids goodnight, climbing the stairs to their respective rooms and/ or bathrooms to get ready for the last night. jeremy beats you upstairs, his back turned when you enter the bedroom. his muscles are flexing underneath his shirt and the action has you drooling, wanting desperately to run your hands over the expanse of his back.

you clear your throat and shut the door. jeremy doesn't look at you, still rummaging through his duffle bag.

"are you mad at me?" you question, taking a small step towards him.

"no," he says quickly, tossing a towel over his shoulder. he turns to face you and you see him gripping his toothbrush, presumably wanting to get to the bathroom. jermey tries to side step you but you block him, standing in front of him.

"then what's wrong?" he doesn't answer so you sigh, dropping your shoulders, "did something happen today? you've been acting weird since we got back from the walk."

at the mention of the hike earlier, jeremy's eyes flash. you let out a satisfied laugh, "what happened on the hike?"

jeremy take some look at your curious face and sighs, placing his toothbrush down behind him. "nothing, really, it's stupid."

"it's not stupid if it has you this upset, jer."

your eyes are all soft as you look up at him and it has him faltering, eyes darting to the ground briefly. "it's just...the way beecher was touching you. yeah, he helped you before you could fall, fine, but he lingered and then he just kept touching you - which is crazy because hello, like i'm the one supposed to be touching you and making you laugh, not him."

he kind of spews that all in one breath so it takes you a moment to digest what he's said. you giggle slightly, "I told you you don't need to be jealous."

he groans, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I know, I know! it's just...you're mine and he doesn't even care."

you gulp. his eyes open and he's looking down at you, the dawn of realization of his own words raining down over his head. just as he looks like he may apologize, take back his possessive statement, you're pushing closer, grabbing his hand and placing it on your waist. "yeah, I am yours." you whisper.

instinctively his other hand grabs the back of your neck, so you have no choice but to keep looking up at him. his eyes go hazy, tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip.

you push up on your tippy toes, bumping your nose against his a few times. then jeremy leans in, placing a fast kiss on your mouth. he pulls away, scared you'll turn and run, but you don't, hands sliding up his chest and around his neck, bringing him back down to kiss him again.

the kisses turns hot and fast, jeremy's back burning from leaning down to keep your lips together. his hands leave your waist and neck, sliding down over your ass until he's gripping the back of your thighs. he pulls you up, letting you jump up until your legs are secure around his waist.

he walks blindly until he finds the desk, dropping you down with a thud so you're sitting on the top, not once stopping the heavy mess of wet kisses and hot breath.

you're tugging off jermey's shirt then, hands sliding up the hard front of abs until he's sighing, pulling you close until your pelvis is bumping his dick. the friction has you moaning, head falling back.

"can I take this off?" jeremy whispers, hands fiddling with the hem of your shirt. you're nodding quickly, lifting your arms so he can easily strip you of the top, leaving you in your string bikini, nipples hard through the fabric. you begin to untie the last article covering your breasts, jermey helping you remove the orange material and exposing you.

"you're so beautiful," he sighs, leaning down and sucking one of your hard buds into his mouth.

"jer," you sigh, hands running through his hair as he licks, your other nipple being played with by his fingers. pinching and pulling until you're grinding against him. "need you inside me," you say when he comes back up to face you.

cheeks flushed he nods, "yeah, okay." his fingers start to tug on the zipper of your shorts, "lift up for me," he tells you. you lift your ass of the table just enough for him to slip down your shorts, discarding them on the floor with the rest of the clothing.

"your turn," you giggle quietly, tugging on the hem of his basketball shorts until they drop to his ankles, leaving him in just his briefs, cock straining against the fabric.

he grabs your face, kissing you hard. your hand slips down so you can palm him, his mouth falling open against yours as you move. "I don't have a condom," he says.

"I don't care," you bite your lip, "can just pull out." your breath is heavy and it has him nodding against your forehead.

"sounds, yeah, that sounds good." his fumbling has you laughing slightly.

"put it in me."

jeremy nods, pulling down his underwear enough so his dick springs free, standing hard and strong below his belly button, right against his happy trail. you moan at the sight, reaching forward to kiss his neck.

he pumps himself a few times as he pulls your bikini bottoms to the side, your glistening sweet pussy, wet and ready with anticipation. "fuck you're so hot." he says, running his top through your folds to collect your arousal.

"please," you wither.

without being asked again, he slowly sinks into you, both of you moaning out in sync at the stretch. he grabs one of your legs, hauling it up and over his shoulder for the deepest possible angle.

it has you crying out, hand slapping over your mouth. he begins thrusting into you, hard enough where he has to hold your hips to keep you from jittering up the desk and away from him. you're both moaning out as quietly as possible, very aware you're surrounded by your friends and a child.

it isn't long before jermey can feel you clenching around him. "are you close baby?" he asks through heavy breaths and it has you whimpering, nodding your head. "yeah? I can feel it. you feel so good, like you were made for me."

"you feel so good jer," you moan, "i'm going to cum."

his thrusts increase and it has you gripping his shoulder harder, your other hand digging into the wood desk. "cum on my cock, I wanna feel you."

his words have you pushing over the edge, the coil in your stomach snapping and releasing all over his length as it moves inside you.

you're moaning as you recover, his thrusts still fast as he chases his own release. you pull him in for a messy kiss, "are you close?"

jeremy breaths, "i'm gunna cum on your stomach, okay?"

you nod, kissing his neck until he's groaning, pulling out of your warmth and releasing his load over your lower stomach, pulling on his cock until he's empty.

your heaving breaths are in sync as you both come down from a high, the room enveloped in almost full darkness saved by the one beside lamp. "you okay?" jeremy asks, pulling you from your post - orgasam daze. you nod, letting jeremy man handle your leg until it's back on the table top.

"you okay?" you reiterate and he chuckles softly, picking up his discarded shirt.

"i'm great," you says, softly wiping away his mess from your torso.

once you're both clean (clean as possible from the wiping of a tshirt) he leads you to bed silently, both of you slipping under the soft blanket. jeremy smiles at you softly before pulling you into him, kissing your shoulder once before closing his eyes.

it isn't long before you follow suit, letting sleep overcome you as you think about how jeremy is the first man who's ever given you an orgasam without touching your clit. it's no big deal....really.

—

on the last morning at the lake house, you had woken up before jeremy. his naked chest is warm where its pressed to your side, his arm heavy were its resting under your chest. his soft snores tickle your shoulder, breath gentle as it raises goose bumps on your skin.

your mind reels over the night before, face immediately flushing at the thought of jeremy all over your body, wet kisses and strong hands running over every inch of you.

gently, you slip out of his hold. you're quiet when you slip on a hoodie and sweat shorts, leaving the room just as the sun is peeking over the horizon. the house is quiet, not even wren or mason are awake. beecher and matthew had left an hour before you woke, catching flights home to spend their rest of the summer with their respective families.

you grab one of the last pre-made protein smoothies from the rather empty fridge before quietly slipping onto the back deck. your bare feet are tickled by the grass as you make your way down to the dock, the cast of orange and pinks illuminating the worn out wood platform.

you're in your own head as you sit, phone gently playing taylor swift as the gentle waves lap against the docks posts. pulling your knees up to your chest, you rest your head on top, staring out into the peaceful morning water.

the sound of footsteps fill you with a momentary panic, turning down your music and looking behind you. jeremy is there, now dressed in his own hoodie and shorts, hood pulled over his head.

you're clearing your throat of its thickness as he sits down beside you, "hey, what are you doing out here?"

you just shrug, watching as his legs stretch out before him, thigh bumping your hip.

he clears his throat which has you darting up to his face. "I thought you left."

you sigh, "no I wouldn't do that."

jeremy nods and you watch his adam's apple bob as he swallows. "I feel like we should talk about what happened." his words are so quiet it has you question if he even said it. then you find him looking at you with an expression which leads you to bite your lip.

"we don't have to," you say quickly, "jeremy I don't want to embarrass you."

he thinks he sees your eyes start to fill with tears and it has him sitting up straighter, wanting to bring you into his chest and kiss your hairline until you're happy. but at the same time he's also thinking the worst. that you know about his feelings, and you're about to tell him that you don't feel the same. that the week has been nice, but you think the two of you should stay friends. he's thinking that you'll say thanks for the sex but that's all this would be. but then jermey thinks maybe that's okay, because he'd rather you only ever want sex from him that one time than loose his best friend all together n

he looks over at you carefully. "why would I be embarrassed?"

the sun is higher up now, but the sky is still casting a warm glow over the lake house. you take a moment to admire jeremy, his beard is grown out and his hair is long at the nape of his neck, curling around his ears. he looks so handsome in the summer - he looks handsome is very season though, so your thoughts are biased. "embarrassed because you know I want more than just sex...and it's okay if that all you needed from me, jer, really. I can't push my feelings aside because i'd rather give you that one thing than loose you all together."

jeremy can't even think straight at that confession, his own thoughts bouncing around his head, contradicting one another as they swirl. "what?" he settles on, his breath heavy.

you look at him with a soft look, "I remember the other night about what I said to you. even my drunk brain couldn't forget something like that."

his face falls momentarily.

you continue, "I remember what I asked you and I remember what you said and i'm sorry okay, I don't want to put you in a tough spot. I thought that there was a small possibility that maybe, just maybe you'd like me back but we're friends, like you said -"

"wait. what?"

you swallow thickly and feel like crying. "no it's okay," you whisper, "we can pretend it never happened - I don't mind, but I can't loose you jer, we have to still be friends and if we need to forget about my feelings for you to do that, we can!"

jeremy sits up straighter and breaths out a laugh. it has you furrowing your eyebrows. he grabs your face in his hands, "y/n, every day since that night at the bar... I have regretted not asking you first. that's what I wanted to say the other night but I didn't want to scare you away."

it's your turn to look confused, "what are you implying?"

"It's never been about just having sex with you: never. I've never not wanted you in every way humanly possible but I just didn't think you felt the same way." he pulls his hood down, the heat of the sun and his confession too much, "nobody has been like you, y/n, in fact - how many girls have I dated since we met?"

you blew out a soft breathe, wiping a tear that had fallen down your cheek, "i don't know...none."

jeremy nods, "none. do you want to know why?"

"why?" you whisper.

"they're not you."

"what?"

"they're. not. you. that night at the bar, when charlie asked you out...you looked at me and that's when I should've asked you, charlie be damned. I love you and I have for a long time."

his confession has you breathing out shakily, hand creeping up so you could ground yourself onto his wrist. he doesn't let your face go. "jeremy," you smile wetly, "I love you. i'm sorry for not telling you sooner, I was too scared."

he laughs, "there's nothing to apologize for," jeremy rubs his thumb along your cheek bone, stroking your tan skin. "I wasn't brave enough to tell you back then, but I am now."

then he leans in and finally kisses you. a long peck until your lips slot together in a dance of their own. this kiss was different form the ones the night before. this was was soft, full of love and time and longing. your free hand settles at the nape of his neck, running through his curls.

jeremy pulls back slightly, his lips still brushing yours as he spoke, "now that I finally have you, i'm never letting you go."

"good," you kiss him, "I don't want you too."

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

A/N: I kind of hate this ? but I wanted to get it posted so here yall sway girls go - feast my queens.

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bteezxyewriter12 · 2 months ago

Text

Never Let Me Go

Pairing- Seonghwa x Named Reader

Word count- 7.7k

Includes- Angst, mean girl co-worker, pussy eating, blow job, deep throating, cum eating, cock riding, missionary, love making, multiple orgasms, fluff

Tag List- @mingtina @jaxminnie @yeosayang @delightfulmoonbanana @tannie13 @y00nzin0 @marsstarxhwa

@yeosxxx @seokwoosmole @jjongsbebe @wisejudgedragonhairdo @meowmeowminnie @woo-stars @borntowalkaway @usagionthered @san-realblkwife @seonghwasstar @jejeyeppeo @soulseobi05 @kpop-bambi @prayerofthehaim @realisticnotes @insomniacatiny @stephy-nicole13 @mknae-jongho @bykeynote @amyz78 @blueie-things

Masterlists- check out for more fics

📝Masterlists 📝ATEEZ Masterlist 📝Seonghwa Masterlist

J POV

I separate a section of his hair at the side of his head, then use a clip to hold the rest back

"Tilt your head this way a little Hwa", I tell him, slightly leaning his head to the right

He does and I take the section of hair, spraying it with hair spray

I separate that section of hair into two and start the tiny twist braid on the side of his head

As I twist the silky strands, I add more hair into the braid, making a sort of Dutch twist braid

Stopping when the braid is just past his ear, I take a small black elastic hand and tie the braid off, making sure it's tight and flat against his head

Then another layer of hair spray

I do three more tight twist braids, then another looser one, leaving hair out to frame his face

Moving behind him, I tilt his head back and start the Dutch braid where his part is, braiding the hair back off his face

"It feels good jagi", he murmurs, "You do it so gently"

"Well I don't want to hurt you baby", I tell him

As a hairstylist for ATEEZ, I definitely don't want to hurt any of the members when I do their hair

That'd be disastrous

I know some of the hairstylists are rougher than me sometimes and I see the guys grimacing in the mirror

I make sure I do the job right and as gentle as I can, especially with my boyfriend

I remember my mom pulling my hair when she brushed or did mine when I was a kid and I hated it

I'd run when she came near me with a hair brush

When I started cosmetology school for hair, I vowed never to be rough with someone's hair

"It never hurts jagi", he smiles at me, taking my breath away

He's so fucking beautiful it's a crime

Barefaced or made up like he is now, he is the handsomest man I've ever seen

I smile back at him, then continue to work on his hair, making another Dutch braid next to the first one, then five more twist braids on the other side of his head

Once those are done, I turn on the flat iron and section off his hair again to straighten it

I go slowly so I don't accidentally burn him, making his soft black hair pin straight

Moving in front of him, I run the flat iron over the pieces of hair framing his face, then spraying it again

Finally I walk around him running my fingers in his hair to mess it up slightly, then strategically "mess up" the hair framing his face

"Done Hwannie"

He nods, standing up, "Thanks baby"

"Yeah Hwa", I answer, turning the flat iron off and putting it on the table

"Jagi", he says softly, his hand on my arm, turning me to him

I look up at him just as he leans down, his soft smooth lips against mine in a gentle kiss

My head spins, my heart pounding just like it does every time he kisses me

All too soon the kiss ends, a smile on his face

"I'll see you later ok?"

I nod, "Yeah baby, ok"

He kisses my cheek, then goes across the room to the tables with makeup

I watch him sit down, one of the make up artists, Eun, glaring at me

I just raise my eyebrow

I don't know what her problem is

She's always been mean to me since I started over a year ago

She was never nice, gives backhanded compliments and is just rude

Like a popular mean girl except the other stylists and staff don't really like her

I stay away from her, I don't engage in her bullshit

She's never said anything directly to me but when she does, I'll shut her down, no problem

Ignoring her, I call Mingi over for his hair to be done

--------------------------------

I watch my baby dance, sweat pouring down his face as he smirks and sticks his tongue out

A group of us staff are watching the guys perform on a monitor in the dressing room

He's so beautiful, everything he does so effortless

He's amazing to watch

"God, Seonghwa is so hot", Eun says, when a close up of Seonghwa breathing hard after the performance ends appears on the screen

"Eun!", Rose shushes her

"Oh what?", Eun rolls her eyes, "Joanne knows she's dating an idol. A hot idol at that and she knows girls are going to talk about him, lust after him"

Eun looks right at me, smirking haughtily, "Right Jo?"

I just nod because she's right

I know Seonghwa is lusted after by lots of women and some of those women work with me

I'm used to hearing people talk about him

Wishing they could have him

He's not only hot but he's the whole package

Sweet, kind, so caring, so affectionate, so gentle, so loving, attentive, supportive

He's honestly the perfect guy

"His duality is insane. How he goes from hot to freaking adorable is crazy", Eun continues

Again she's right

And its such a turn on seeing it happen during sex

How he can go from a cute cuddly baby to a dominating rough demon in seconds can give someone whiplash

Not me though

Not anymore

I'm used to it

"I wish I could fuck him"

Ok that's a new one

"Jesus Christ Eun! His girlfriend is standing right there!", Kamou snaps

"Please, I'm just saying what everyone is thinking", she answers, "Every woman here wants to fuck him"

Again, she's not wrong but really she doesn't have to say it in front of me

"I'd do it too", she says, looking at me, "Nothing against you Jo, but if Seonghwa came on to me while he's with you, I'm going for it"

I guess that's supposed to be a warning but I'm not worried

I made Seonghwa swear up and down before I agreed to go out with him that he won't cheat on me

I'm not dumb, I know he's around beautiful idols and beautiful ATINYs all day, almost everyday

I know he'll be hit on, he'll be tempted

But I made him promise to break up with me if he wanted to fuck someone else or just fuck around in general

I was cheated on before, I told him about it and I made sure he knew that was a condition of me saying yes to him

Do not cheat

So the only time Eun would ever get him is after he breaks up with me

By then he's free and it doesn't matter who he sleeps with

"Goddamn Eun. Rein it fucking in and stop talking to her like that", Kamou growls

"Please Kam. I'm just giving her a reality check", Eun says pompously, "Seonghwa is twenty five years old. He knows he's a hot guy who millions of girls want. He can have his pick of anyone and he chooses Jo? C'mon"

What she's saying is insulting and I am offended but she's also right

I often wonder why he did pick me

I'm definitely not the prettiest staff member here, not the smartest, not the most outgoing

In fact, when I was first hired, I didn't speak to any of the members for months despite them trying

I was just nervous and I knew I'd make a fool of myself

Seonghwa was the one who actually got me to start talking

He was just so sweet, trying to make conversation and I didn't want to hurt his feelings

But once I opened up to Seonghwa it was easy to open up to the other guys too

Four months after I started talking to Seonghwa, he asked me out and we've been together for almost a year

But really if you look at us, it's clear we don't belong together

He's way out of my league

Anyone can see it

"That's so fucking rude", Kamou snarls

Eun scoffs, "The truth is rude. She's definitely not his type. Not with her tattoo sleeves and that weird piercing on her face. They don't go together. They look weird together. He should be with a girl who's classically pretty, whose skin isn't all inked up. That's probably why he hasn't gone public with her. Because of how she looks. He's probably ashamed of her"

I hate how she's talking like I'm not here

Like if you're gonna talk shit, talk to my face

"That's so out of line", Rose tells her

Eun just shrugs then actually turns to me

Finally she's not being a coward

"Not for nothing Jo, you and Seonghwa aren't end game", Eun says snottily, "He'll leave you eventually, probably for an idol"

"Eun what the actual fuck is wrong with you?", Rose gapes

"Nothing. I'm telling her reality. Her and Seonghwa aren't going to last"

"I know", I say, all of their eyes landing on me

The thing is Eun is telling me this shit as if I don't know it already

As if I haven't painstakingly thought of and worried about every single thing she said

I know me and Seonghwa aren't endgame

There's just no way

I don't look like a "normal" girl

I have lots of tattoos

Visible tattoos

I don't have sleeves on my arms but I have a lot along the length of my arms

I have more on my thighs, my ankles, my calves, my body

And I have an anti eyebrow ring, a barbell on my cheekbone under my right eye

Big no no's, especially in the idol world

I figured Seonghwa would never go public with me

I'm not exactly idol girlfriend material

And it doesn't help that I told him I love him a few weeks ago and he said nothing

We had just finished being together and were cuddling and I just said it

I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't complete silence

It wasn't the look on his face like he wanted to be anywhere but with me at that moment

And that moment confirmed what I already knew

He doesn't love me

After two minutes of complete silence, I had to get out of there

I kissed his cheek, disentangled from him and went right to the bathroom

I cleaned up and desperately hoped he wouldn't bring it up ever again

When I got back to my room, he acted as if I didn't say anything to him

And I just went with it

He went back to acting normal, never bringing up my love confession again

And I just let it go

I decided to just enjoy the time I have with him, however long that will be

"Jo?", Kamou asks

"Look, I know Seonghwa and I aren't going to last ok? I know he'll probably end up with an idol or even an ATINY. I'm not stupid", I tell them, "I know how lucky I am to have the chance to be with him. I know I'm not good enough for him. But I'm just going to enjoy being with him. However long that is. And when he's tired of me and wants to break up, I'm gonna let him go"

I'm not about making someone who doesn't want to be with me stay

I can't make him love me, I can't make him want me

And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me

It'll hurt but I'll just have to find a way to get over it

"So anything you think you have to say to let me know about Seonghwa and my relationship, save it", I tell Eun, "You can't tell me anything I don't already know or thought about"

Eun just shrugs, "Well just know that once he dumps you, I'm going after him. I'm at least going to fuck him"

I snort, glaring at her, "Why wait? Why don't you go after him now?"

She sneers, "Because I don't get into girl fights and I know you're the pathetic type to fight for a guy who won't want you soon. Seeing as how I know you two won't last anyway, I can wait a little while longer"

"I'm pathetic?", I snort, "You're the sad desperate skank who's pining over someone else's boyfriend"

She huffs, glaring at me, "We'll see how much of a smart ass you are when your boyfriend is with me"

God, she's so full of herself

I know Seonghwa would never go for her

He doesn't go for bitches

And she's a mega bitch

"Whether Seonghwa is with me or not, it won't stop me from shutting your fucking ass up", I growl, "It won't keep my mouth shut when you're acting like a bitch. So how about you go fuck right off?"

She sneers but doesn't say anything, instead walking away to the other side of the room

She's a fucking coward, all talk with nothing to back herself up

"Don't listen to her", Kamou says, "She's an idiot. She's just jealous"

I shrug

I don't care about her

As long as she stays away from me and keeps her mouth shut, there will be no problems

Now that ATEEZ is done performing, I take my phone and sit on one of the chairs, starting the long process of waiting for the show to be over so Seonghwa and I can go home

🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉

Seonghwa POV

I stand outside the dressing room completely horrified at the conversation I overheard

I came to find my jagi after the performance when I saw she wasn't backstage

I heard everything Eun said to her

The fucking audacity she has saying those things to my baby

As if I'd ever be with Eun

Not a chance in hell

Eun can chase me to the ends of the earth, I will never be with her

She's nothing I'd ever want

She's mean and nasty to all the staff and it's a huge turn off

I'm so upset hearing everything Joanne said....everything she thinks- how she "knows" I'm going to get tired of her, that I'm going to break up with her...that I'm out of her league....that she thinks I'm ashamed of her....it breaks me that she thinks she's not good enough for me

Because it's completely not true

She's out of my league not the other way around

She's my everything

I love her with all my heart, she's my one, she's all I want

I hate how clear it is that she thinks I don't love her

It's because of what happened when she told me she loves me

I was completely shocked, I was happy but also unsure if I heard her right and I choked

Badly

I didn't say anything and then she ran away

I was horrified and yelling at myself when she left her bedroom

I don't know why I just didn't say it back

I just froze like a dumbass

And when she came back, she had a look on her face, almost like she was begging me not to bring up what just happened

So I didn't and acted normal

But I've been kicking myself ever since that day

I've been trying to find the right time to tell her that I love her more than anything but every time seems wrong

It's like that moment was the right time and I blew it

One thing is clear though, I have to tell her that she's wrong

Tell her everything she's thinking is so wrong and I love her so much

I will

Tonight when we get back to her apartment

I'm telling her everything I should of said that night

I walk into the dressing room, looking for her

I spot her in a chair, scrolling through her phone, lost in her own world

I smile watching her

She's so oblivious sometimes and it's adorable

"Jagi", I call when I get to her

She looks up at me and gives me her gorgeous smile that takes my breath away

"Hi Hwannie", she says, "What are you doing here baby? Shouldn't you be in the viewing room with the guys?"

I nod, "Yeah but I wanted to find you first"

"Oh. Well here I am"

I smile at her, reaching out and running my fingers in her hair

God, she's so fucking beautiful

I can stare at her all day

"You still want me to come over after?", I ask

She nods, "Yeah. Unless you don't want to"

"No I do jagi"

"Ok Hwa", she smiles

Leaning down, I kiss her soft lips, my head spinning just like every time I kiss her

I love that feeling

"I'll see you later jagi"

"Ok Hwannie"

Kissing her forehead, I reluctantly leave her in the dressing room

I don't want to go back to the guys, I want to stay with her but I can't

'Just a little longer', I tell myself as I enter the viewing room

--------------------------------

I follow her into her bedroom watching as she kicks her shoes off in the closet

"What do you wanna do baby?", she asks, "Are you hungry? We can order food"

I am hungry but I want to address what I overheard first

"Jagi, can...can we talk?", I ask

She freezes, a look of fear on her face

And I mentally palm myself in the face when I realized what I said

What it sounds like to her

Those words are the words everyone who's going to break up with someone uses

She swallows, then nods, forcing a smile on her face, "Yeah sure Hwa. I uh ...I'm just going to change first ok?"

"Yeah jagi, ok", I answer, hoping that by using a pet name she realizes I'm not breaking up with her

She faces her dresser as she changes, her body slightly trembling, her breathing increasing, her nose sniffling

I immediately get up and get to her, knowing that she's either crying or trying not to cry

Taking her arm, I turn her to me and wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly

She clings onto me, her face buried in my shirt, her fingers gripping the fabric hard

She's standing stiffly in my arms as if that will protect her from any hurt she thinks is coming

"Jo", I whisper, needing to tell her how I really feel, so she knows she had nothing to ever worry about, "I love you"

I feel like a weight is lifted off me now that I told her

Silence fills the room and she doesn't move a muscle

It takes a minute before she moves her face away from my shirt, slowly looking up at me, confusion in her beautiful eyes

"What?", she whispers

I push her hair off her face, looking in those dark brown pools I drown in every time I look in her eyes, "I love you Jo. So fucking much jagi"

"You don't have to say it just because I did Hwa", she says quietly

"I'm not jagi", I assure her, "I...I'm sorry I didn't say it before. When you said it. I was just shocked and I froze. I...I was worried I was hearing things. But baby I love you so much. I never fell in love with anyone before but fuck, I love you so much"

"You're....you're serious?", she asks hesitantly

"One hundred percent", I answer

I breathe in preparing to talk to her about what I overheard

"Jo....I heard....what Eun said to you. And what you said to her"

Her cheeks turn pink as she looks away

"Baby", I say softly, touching her cheek gently, her eyes slowly moving back to me, "Everything she said, everything you think, it's not true"

"It's not?"

I shake my head, "Jagi, I'm not ashamed of you baby. I never would be. I think...I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen"

"C'mon Hwa", she says, clearly not believing me, "That's not true"

"Of course it is Jo. The second I saw you, I was mesmerized. All I wanted was to be near you. To get to know you. But you were so shy and I backed off, giving you time to get adjusted to everything. Until I couldn't wait anymore. That's when I started talking to you. From the moment I saw you, I wanted you. Only you"

Her cheeks turn an adorable shade of pink and I smile softly, running my fingers in her long hair

"You're stunning to me Jo. And I absolutely love all your tattoos. I love looking at them, I love tracing the lines, I love how they look on you", I confess, "And I love your piercing too. It's unique and interesting and looks so fucking good on you"

Leaning down, I kiss her cheek where her piercing is

She is honestly the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen

Like an ethereal angel

An ethereal tattooed angel

"I happen to think we look incredibly good together", I tell her, smiling

"Yeah?", she asks, giving me a small smile

"Oh yeah", I confirm, "We are definitely a hot couple"

She giggles, the sound warming my entire body

"We look perfect together", I tell her honestly

"I...I thought we did too", she whispers, "But I could be wrong"

"You're not, baby", I say, "Jo, I know that you think I'm going to leave you eventually but I'm not"

"You don't know that Hwa"

"I do", I say firmly, "See jagi to me, we are endgame. I went into this knowing you're my one, knowing we're endgame. The only way we're not together is if you walk away. If you leave me because I'm never going to walk away from you. Never. Of that I'm sure"

I can't be without her

I don't know how I lived without her before

And I know if she ever left me, I'd break completely

Just thinking about it makes my heart pound, makes tears spring to my eyes

"You are more than good enough for me baby. Too good", I tell her, "I'll never get tired of you Jo. I'll never hide you like you think I will. I was waiting to tell you I love you before I go public with us"

"You were?", she questions, surprised

"Yeah jagi. I actually can't wait to show everyone the beautiful girl I love with all my heart. To have the world know I have an amazing girl", I answer, looking in her gorgeous eyes, "I don't want you to ever let me go baby. Please don't"

She shakes her head, hugging me tightly, whispering in my ear, "I never will Hwa. I love you more than anything Seonghwa. You are the one I want, always. I was scared you weren't going to want me"

"Don't be afraid jagi", I whisper, "I'm never leaving you. I'm never letting you go. You're my everything"

"You're mine too Hwannie"

I breathe in relief, holding her tightly

"I love you", I tell her

Now that I said it, I don't want to stop

"I love you Hwa"

Leaning down, I kiss her softly, pouring all my love into it

She kisses me back, her arms moving around my neck where they belong

Picking her up, I carry her to her bed, laying her on it, kissing her desperately

I need her right now but what's more, I need to show her how much I love her, how much I want her

As her tongue plays with mine, I move my hands down her body, pulling her pj pants down

Sitting up, I get them off her, her panties and the rest of her clothes following

She sits up, taking my shirt off, then tugging on my pants, whining a soft "off"

I do as she asks, taking everything off, then gently pushing her back on the bed

"Fuck jagi", I murmur, my eyes and hands roaming her body, her soft skin under my fingers, "How could I ever want anyone else when I have you? You're perfect baby"

Leaning down, I press a kiss to the skin between her boobs and keep going, making my way down her body, giving kisses along her pretty tattoos

She whimpers, her body pressing up into my lips, her skin trembling

I open her legs as I kiss her lower stomach, forcing myself to go slow and not just bury my face in her sweet cunt

Finally I get to where I want to be and give her little pussy a kiss, then run my tongue up her cunt eagerly

We both moan at the same time, her from pleasure, me from how utterly sweet she tastes

I swear I can never get enough of eating her pussy

I can eat her out every day, for hours

The whole rumor about me loving to eat pussy is right

I love it and I love hers

With every lick I give her, I move my tongue faster and faster until I'm swirling it around her cunt, pushing my face right into her

I grip her thighs hard, keeping her wide open for me as I eat

"Seonghwa", she moans, her voice sending shivers down my back

I can never get tired of hearing her call my name

It turns me on like nothing else

My tongue runs down her pussy and I dip just the tip into her hole, feeling her trying to clench on it

I pull away, listening to her cute whines

"Mmm jagi, want me to tongue fuck you?"

"Yes Hwa", she whines, her hand sliding into the back my hair, pushing my face right against her cunt

"Anything you want baby", I promise her

"You, I want you"

"You have me baby", I answer, "Always"

I kiss her pussy again, then slide my tongue all the way in, moaning as she squeezes my tongue hard

I moan in her cunt, pulling my tongue out then slipping back in

I thrust in and out of her hole, slowly increasing my speed with every thrust

Her pussy soaks my face, drowning me just how I like it

I swallow her juice over and over, so much of it filling my mouth, while her pussy creams my tongue

"Mmm jagi", I moan, lost in her cunt, "So good baby. Fuck, taste so good. Love eating your cunt"

"Hwannie", she whines, her hips moving against my face as I pleasure her

"Good girl", I praise her, continuing to fuck her little hole

We move together, her cunt throbbing around my tongue faster with each stroke, with each grind against my face

"Seonghwa", she moans,

I thrust my tongue as far as I can inside her cunt just as cums, her legs shaking hard around my head

Her pussy spasms so tightly around my tongue, her cream coating it and pouring into my mouth

I moan as her delicious taste fills my senses and I keep swallowing until I get it all

God, she's the best tasting thing I've ever had in my mouth

As soon as I get it all, I slide my tongue up, flicking her clit

"Yes Seonghwa!", she cries just as I wrap my mouth around her throbbing clit, sucking harshly on her

I close my eyes, reveling in the way her clit pulses against my lips, each spasm sending pleasure down to my already hard aching cock

I alternate between licking her clit, flicking it and sucking on it, her cunt getting even more drenched, it's dripping down my neck

She cries my name as she squirms on the bed, the pleasure in her face so fucking pretty

She's fucking perfect

I slip my tongue down, just to taste her cream and swallow it, then I return to massaging her clit

"Seonghwa", she moans, "So good, fuck"

"Mm, gonna cum for me again?"

"Yes!", she yells, "Yes. Please...need...need"

"I know what you need baby", I murmur, sucking her clit in my mouth and slurp hard on it

"Oh my fucking god yes, Seonghwa!", she screams and I watch the gorgeous sight of my jagi coming

So fucking pretty

I suck her through it, not wanting to let go but wanting to be buried in her cunt at the same time

I reluctantly let go, then lick up her cum from her hole, reveling in the sweet taste

I make sure I clean her pussy up completely before sitting up

She reaches out for me and I take her hands helping her sit up, her chest heaving

"Good jagi?", I ask, tucking some hair behind her ear

Her beautiful brown eyes meet mine as she nods

"Good baby", I smile

"Come lay down baby", she says

I comply, laying against the headboard, waiting for her

She moves on top of me, kissing me and I eagerly kiss her back

There is no time where I will not kiss her

Anytime she's willing to give me her kisses I'll gladly take it

After awhile she breaks the kiss, her lips moving to my neck, making me whimper from how good it feels

Her kisses keep moving down, spreading all over my chest so slowly

It feels amazing and I feel so loved, so wanted

She's the only girl who's ever taken the time to kiss my whole body, like I do to hers

"I love you", she murmurs into my skin, her fingers running along the side of my body

"I love you Jo"

I feel her smiling against me, her lips moving lower, kissing along my abs and lower stomach

She moves lower when I stop her

I don't need a blow job

Tonight isn't about me, it's about her, about me showing her how much I love her

"You don't have to jagi", I tell her

"I want to", she says

I shake my head, "I don't need it jagi. I-"

"Please Hwannie. Wanna suck your cock baby", she pleads, making her eyes big and innocent

Fuck, those eyes, they can get me to do anything

"Are you sure baby? You don't have to if you don't want to", I assure her

"I want to Hwannie. I love blowing you just as much as you like eating me out"

Huh, I didn't not know that

Now I do

"Can I?", she asks

I nod, "Yeah jagi"

She smiles and it blows my mind that she's happy to go down on me

Her head dips down, her lips pressing kisses along my hard length, my body shivering with pleasure

God it feels so fucking good, it's insane

She kisses my head, her tongue pressing against it, licking and getting my leaking cum on her tongue

She swallows, her eyes looking at mine, smirking, "So good Hwannie"

I swallow hard, so turned on

My girlfriend is the hottest girl on this planet

Her tongue runs up and down my cock, wetting me, then swirls around my head, pleasure creeping into my veins

I watch her mouth wrap around my head, sucking softly, sending bliss exploding into me

I groan, watching her move down my cock more and more, her sucking getting faster

Harder

"Oh god jagi", I moan, her mouth feeling utterly amazing

She bottoms me out quickly, deepthroating me, it feeling so good in her tight throat

Her mouth sucks desperately on my dick, her hands holding my hips hard

I can't tear my eyes from her as I move my hand in her hair, wrapping it around into a ponytail

She bobs her head, going up my cock, then back down fast, taking me in her throat hard, stars blasting in my eyes

She moves quickly, up and down, tears filling her pretty eyes

She moans loudly, spit all over, making the blow job so messy, just how I like it

"So good", I whimper, my body tense with bliss, "Doing such a good job, sucking my cock like this jagi"

"Mmm", she whines, her teary eyes moving to my face

It's too good and my body has a mind of its own, my hips lifting up as she comes down, meeting her bob and sliding in her throat faster

"Oh fuck", I cry

We start moving together, my hips lifting and thrusting into her mouth while she slides up and down, meeting my thrusts, a mix of throat fucking and deepthroating that feels phenomenal

With each move, we go faster and I'm right there

She takes my cock deep in her throat, bliss tsunaming over me as I cum

"Jo, baby, fuck", I cry, her mouth sucking and swallowing as I shoot cum in her mouth

"Mmmm", she moans, sending shivers up my spine, her mouth sucking all the cum from my dick

"Don't stop baby", I moan when I finish, oversensitivity hitting me

I can get past it soon, I want her to keep going so she can get me hard again

After a few minutes, I'm hard and I stop her

"Baby, come here"

She moves off me and I pull her into my lap, kissing her, my head spinning

How can her kiss always make me feel so good?

How?

She slides her hands in the back of my hair, her tongue playing with mine while my hands move up her body slowing, tangling in her hair

One of her hands slowly moves down my body, her fingers running along my chest, then abs, my skin on fire from her touch

Her hand moves between us, grabbing my cock, holding me up

Without breaking the kiss, she moves up then sinks down on my cock, her arm wrapping around my neck again

She moves down slowly, her pussy splitting around my hard cock, soaking me completely

God, it feels so fucking good

I lift my hips up, helping her get me inside her, her hips moving as she wiggles down my length

Once I get all in, we both moan from how tight of a fit we are

Fuck me, she feels so goddamn good

Always

So fucking tight, so wet, latching onto my cock and pulsing hard

She gently pushes me back until I'm laying down, looking down at me

Bouncing on me, she moves slowly but hard, taking my cock in deeply, her pussy squeezing along my length as she moves

Taking my hands, she puts them on her body

"Touch me Hwa", she murmurs

"Always jagi", I whisper, running my fingers up and down the sides of her body, her skin trembling against my fingers

She closes her eyes, biting her lip as she moves and I'm completely hypnotized

The way her boobs jiggle, the pleasure on her face, the way she rocks on my cock when she takes me back inside

She's so fucking gorgeous

"Hwa", she moans, when she rubs her spot on my head, shivers running up my spine

God, I love the way she moans my name

Screaming it, calling it, moaning it, saying it, I love hearing my name in her voice

The next time she comes back down, I thrust up, right into her spot, watching her pretty body shiver

Gripping her hips, I thrust up every time she comes down, my cock slipping in deeper, making her stomach bulge with each move

That's such a fucking turn on

"Fuck", she moans, her gorgeous pussy lips petaling open for my cock, her pretty hole slipping up and down my length, straining as it gets down to my base

As we move together, I keep hitting her spot over and over, stretching her wide open, her pussy clenching my cock in a vice grip, cream pouring out of her, soaking my cock and lap in it

She's close

"Look at me jagi", I call, wanting to see her cum

Opening her eyes, she looks down at me, meeting my gaze

"Cum jagi. I want to watch you", I say softly

Bringing herself down on me again, she explodes, shaking on top of me, her legs quaking around my body the sight of her coming so fucking ethereal

"Seonghwa, Seonghwa", she moans softly

"Fuck jagi, you're so fucking beautiful", I whisper, intense pleasure coursing through my body from her orgasm

I don't know how or why her orgasms give me so much pleasure, but they do and I'm fucking addicted to them

When she finishes, I sit up, wrapping my arms around her waist and turning us, getting her on her back, going on top of her

Slipping back inside her welcoming cunt, I begin thrusting in and out, slowly, feeling every inch of her pussy stretching for me

As I move, I can feel everything- every clench, every drop of her cream all over my shaft, every move of her fingers running along my back, her fingers running in my hair

It feels so fucking good

"Seonghwa", she moans softly, clinging onto me tightly as I make love to her

I bury my face in her neck, kissing her, breathing in the scent that is just her

"My jagi feels so good for me. All the time", I praise her, feeling her pussy pulse rapidly

She close

"Almost baby", I whisper, lifting my head

I kiss her jaw, then down to her boob, knowing what will get her over the edge

Taking her nipple in my mouth, I suck lightly and gently, loving how her hard nipple feels in my mouth

That's just what she needed because the next thrust and suck have her climaxing around my cock, her body arching into mine

"Seonghwa", she cries, squeezing my length so hard, over and over, throwing me into ecstasy

"So good jagi. Fuck me. I'm coming, I'm-", I moan, burying my throbbing cock in her pulsing pussy, shooting my cum deep inside her, "Yes, yes, yes Joanne, yes!"

"Hwa, baby", she moans, holding me tightly, milking my cock for every drop

"Yes jagi", I groan, the bliss so fucking amazing

As the pleasure slowly leaves, she pulls me on top of her, my head on her chest, her fingers playing with my hair

"I love you Jo", I tell her

"I love you Hwannie"

I smile, snuggling into her, so unbelievably happy

I stay in her arms for awhile, feeling sleeping as she runs her fingers in my hair

"Hwannie, don't sleep yet baby. I have to take your hair out"

"Mmm. Ok", I murmur

She giggles, "Lay on the pillow baby"

She helps me move, putting my head on the pillow, turning so I face her

I feel her sit next to me, her fingers gently taking out the rubber bands and undoing the braids, then finger combing my hair

It feels so good, she's always so gentle with my hair

She finishes one side, then turns my head to get the braids out of the that side, making me sleepy

No wonder she loves when I play with her hair

It's relaxing and feels amazing

"There baby", she says, "All done"

"Yeah?", I yawn, "All done?"

"Yeah", she confirms

"Good jagi", I say, then pull her down to me, cuddling her

"Hwannie", she giggles, settling in my arms, pulling the blanket over us

"Sleepy time baby", I murmur, "We have another performance tomorrow and we both need sleep"

She needs to be up at the same time with me since she's one of the hairstylists

"Yeah ok Hwannie", she says softly

Leaning down to me, she kisses me softly, her kiss full of love

I pour all of mine into the kiss, hoping she feels it too

"I love you Hwa", she smiles, touching my cheek softly

"I love you Jo", I smile, "So much jagi"

She nods, "So much Hwa"

She kisses my lips again, then lays her head on my chest, her arm around me

I move my arm around her, holding her as I play with her hair, relieved that she knows I love her more than anything in this world

🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉

J POV

Seonghwa holds my hand tightly as we walk into the dressing room

Whispers begin, every one looking at us, Eun glaring at me angrily

Uh what the hell?

"Hwannie", I whisper, "Do you notice people are looking at us and talking?"

He looks around, "Yeah"

Uh ok, is he not worried?

"Don't you care why?"

"I know why jagi"

I blink in surprise

"Ok well why?"

He takes his phone out, presses on it a couple of times and hands it to me

It's his Instagram

I look at the picture and my mouth drops in shock

It's a picture of me and him

Standing by a pool

Him in his swim shorts and me in a bikini

That shows all my tattoos

I remember Hongjoong took this picture of us a few months ago when ATEEZ went to perform in Japan

The comment under the picture is- Me and my jagi. She has my whole heart. I love you jagi"

I look up at him, shock in my body

He smiles softly, taking my hand, "I told you I was waiting until I told you I love you before announcing us"

"Well yeah but so soon?"

He just told me he loves me yesterday

He nods, "I didn't want to wait jagi. I told you I was excited to show the world the girl I love"

My god, that's so sweet

But I'm also worried

"Baby, this isn't going to get you in trouble?"

I'm worried about ATINYs giving him and ATEEZ hate

"No jagi. I cleared it with the managers. They're ok with it"

Ok that's a relief

But there's still ATINY

"And ATINY?"

"They're ok baby. If you look at the comments most are supporting us. Of course there's some hate but we can just ignore those"

I look at the post, clicking on the comments, reading them

He's right

Most are positive, congratulating us, saying how good we look together, wishing us happines, praising Seonghwa for being brave and going public with his relationship

There are a few mean comments, mostly about my tattoos and scolding him for dating but they're certainly not the majority

"Are you...are you mad?", he asks quietly

"No baby", I answer right away, shaking my head, "I was just surprised that all"

"Is it a good surprise?", he asks shyly

The fucking best

I nod, smiling, "The best surprise baby"

He smiles, leaning down, his lips against mine in a kiss

"So how did you do it?", Eun growls

I turn to her, rolling my eyes

I'm on a break, waiting for the guys to finish with their outfits before retouching their hair

"Do what?"

"Get Seonghwa to announce your relationship"

"I didn't do anything", I snap, "He did it on his own"

"Yeah right", she snorts, "You had to do something. He'd never announce you"

God, I want to punch her in her bitchy face

"I didn't-"

"Did you beg him? Ask him to post the photo?", she says snottily, "Did you fuck him in exchange for the post? Blow him? Let him do whatever he wants to you like the whore you are? That's the only way I can see him posting this career ending post"

Clearly she didn't read the comments

"She didn't do anything of the sort", a growl coming from behind me

I turn to see Seonghwa standing being me, an angry look on his face

"She didn't beg me, she didn't have sex with me to get something out of it. She didn't even know I did it. It was a surprise", he snaps

"A surprise? For what?", Eun asks, giving me a dirty look

Seonghwa steps in front of me, blocking me from Eun's line of sight

"Because I love her"

"You...what?", Eun splutters, "You love her? You can't"

He snorts, "I can and I do. Not that it's your business but I told her I was waiting to tell her I loved her before I announced us. I told her last night and I announced us today"

"ATINY-", she starts

"Is happy for us", he cuts her off, "Read the comments instead of guessing. This is not a career ending move. And if it was I don't care. I love her more than anything. She's worth it"

My mouth drops at his words, my heart warming at his love for me

"And by the way, I heard all the things you said to her yesterday", he snaps

Eun's face pales, worry on her face

"To be clear, I would never date you", he says coldly, "You're very rude and just a mean girl. That is not attractive in the slightest. So they're is no way you'll ever have me or fuck me. So you can get that out of your head for good"

Oh my god this is amazing

The shock on Eun's face is hilarious

She really thought she had a chance with him

Even I knew she didn't but I let her talk

"I love Joanne more than anything. We are end game. I'm going to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. She's my one and only. That's the end of it"

Oh my god, I have the best man in the world

I mean I knew that already but hearing him makes me so happy

Eun nods, her face so red, looking as if she's gonna cry

Seonghwa turns away from her, to me, looking down at me, "Are you ok jagi?"

I nod, "Yeah baby. I'm fine"

"Ok", he nods, "I'm sorry I cut you off from answering her but she just got me so mad. After what she said to you yesterday, hearing the shit she said today was the last straw"

I smile, moving closer to him, my arms around his neck, "Thank you for defending me baby"

"Always jagi", he smiles

"Oh and by the way", I tell him, looking in his eyes, "You're my one and only too Hwa. I'm gonna marry you, spend the rest of my life with you baby. My perfect man"

His smile brightens as he looks at me, "My perfect girl", he says softly

Leaning down, he kisses me in a searing kiss that has me seeing stars

I feel his love for me and bask in it

"I love you", I whisper after the kiss

"I love you jagi"

Smiling, I take his hand, "C'mon baby, let's go make sure your hair is good"

He nods, grinning, "Ok jagi", then follows me to a chair

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