#… i need to like. actually vent about how bad i am at everything but idk if the person I’m talking about will see this post

[llitchilitchi]

.

[whimsyprinx]

i think I just need to stop clinging to and getting so attached to people

[x-birdsong-x]

GODDD OKAY OKAY okay it's not in her playlist anymore just because I heard Florida through a wc playlist and GOD that is her song but if Miss Americana's bridge fit better i'd have kept it - but gooddddddd okay like. obviously platonically for the second verse it fits so well with 8x01 and the first verse is SO 16!adams coded and it drives me insane i'm sliding down the wall and punching the air projecting like she's a little whiteboard thinking about adams when she ran away (and when you got along with your pets better than your family what can you do but snap when you get home and find out you weren't there when your oldest dog died)

FIRST tho I just need to yell about the repeating "You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes" fitting Adams so perfectly. It's how she thinks of herself; it's how she's been taught to think of herself. What happened when she was a kid was her fault, the one time she reads House correctly is you took the first deal they offered you because you wanted to punish yourself, she gets herself fired doing House's test that for a second they both think was a mistake, as far as her opinion goes the accident in Nobody's Fault was her fault. Typical of me to put us all to shame something something

Second I can just link this post for a better explanation but watching Runaways and overanalyzing every little bit about her there is not a chance in the deepest parts of hell that Adams had good parents. They did SOMETHING to make her snap before she left. The way she responds to Callie is you could at least let her in the room and your mom knows she messed up, she's determined not to do it again and she's your mom, and for the first time she's acting like it and beyond everything else Callie is upset that her parent is not listening to her. Something something nothing scares me more than the stranger at my door who I fail to give shelter time and worth they are THE firewatcher's daughter patient/protag matchup

okay god where was i going. these are actually from last year so there's absolutely ways i'd change it now given i've dug into runaways' lines even deeper now and also my unholy amount of brain-animatics are rooted in warriors fandom song-matching so,,,, but here have the first verse(?) of my original freak-out about this . leaving out the second verse with ep 1 because there's too much i can't decide my opinion on looking at it now lol . never did anything past those verses because it just doesn't fit as well

also sorry i can't do anything about the quality firealpaca and tumblr do not get along

GOD there's SO many ways i'd change that now if i had time i'd redo it right now but they're all in pngs and idk where the actual files went

im so sorry i could go nearly line for line for everything before the bridge which is where it becomes more of a stretch but the first half of miss americana and the heartbreak prince works with adams and i can not be obnoxious enough about this she is a fidget toy to me

wait i love this. please tell me more I love hearing your Fidget Toy Adams thoughts

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anonymous Advise Asks - February 10

6 anon, three hearts anon, angry anon, unnamed anon (new), confused 2 anon (new)

6 anon

We made it to states on a wild card placement, and the chances of that were like 2 percent! TWO, and we got it!!! I am very happy. I got 2 superior awards and 1 excellence award. However the downside is that it's in Detroit, but it's ok because my best friends are going to watch so yippeeee

OMG that's amazing, I'm so excited for you!!! Please keep me updated and tell me how it goes!

_____________________

Three Hearts Anon

So if I'm understanding correctly, you can't go to therapy because of something your aunt did? I mean I don't know the whole situation but...I don't think you should sacrifice your mental health to protect her. Like...you're the kid in this situation, you know? You deserve to get help.

Also I promise you that everyone you love does not hate you. I have definitely felt like that before and I get how it feels all-consuming, but there are people who care aboutyou, I swear <3

________________

Angry Anon

Hello, Cas! Angry anon here lol

I want to say THANK YOU for taking the time to reply!! It helped me quite a bit to calm down.

I started writing fanfics for the first time and also made some art that people liked even tho they were pretty messy :D It helped me vent A LOT. I could even talk about stuff that could potentially trigger other people but in fanfics they're just there (like eating habits).

I feel guilty talking about stuff with friends. I think I weight them down and they already have their own problems to deal with, I hate being another one of those.

My situation still kinda sucks but for the first time in like two weeks they actually let me sleep for six hours three days in a row ayy, I think that's improvement (?)! I think one of the reasons I was so upset was them not letting me rest at all, it's different if someone stays up so late and wake up in the middle of the night and has to go places early morning because they just do but was kinda frustrating that I needed to do that because they didn't give me any other choice.

Anyway, I also tried the paper crumpling, didn't really work for me and there's no rage rooms nearby but I put googly eyes on my phone and that somehow worked?? Idk

I might vent here occasionally (you're free to ignore it if you feel like it) but yeah, thanks

Hi! I'm so proud of you for finding ways to cope! Writing and drawing are amazing ways, and though I've never tried putting googly eyes on my phone- if it works and it doesn;t hurt anyone I'm all for it! I'm also really glad you've gotten some sleep <3 Keep it up with the healthy coping!

Also yes, you are always allowed to vent here <3

_________________

Unnamed Anon

Hey cas

I'm not gonna use my anon name cause I feel kinda bad about this but.

Backstory- I think I might be bi? But I live in a very religious very homophobic community and I'm not interested in dating yet ( Honestly im super confused) so I'm not out. And I probably won't be. Which is. A whole other thing.

But. This girl (I'm a girl) I've had a crush on for the longest time. I think she's straight. Anyway I really like her. And like... romantically, platonically, however she'll have me, pathetic I know but she's amazing. I applied to the college she's going to just... because of her. Which no one knows. But anyway.

She was dating this guy. I never met him. I only knew in passing. And she apparently just broke up with him. And like, secretly I'm a little happy. Which I feel terrible about! But she's handling it okay, not heartbroken, and it means she has more time for me (it's not like she'd date me now, she's just not doing boyfriend stuff) So idk. I just feel confused and yucky.

Side note, it means she probably doesn't have a prom date? She'll probably get one cause she's super pretty and amazing and everything but like... idk. The delusion lives on.

Even if she wasn't straight and I was out, she's kinda out of my league. I think I'll never forget her tho.

Thanks for being you

Hi <3 I think it's absolutely okay and natural to feel confused about all this, especially with your upbringing. But please know that none of what you're feeling is wrong or bad- even the mixed feelings about your crush's breakup!

Honestly, I think we've all felt like that before- a bit happy (and a bit guilty for feeling happy) when something like this happens. It's not like you're celebrating over a tragedy like a death or a fire or anything like that. You're not even outwardly celebrating! If it was one of those things, then I might say you should feel guilty. But you're not, so please don't beat yourself up. If it makes you feel any better, once I asked a guy out like four hours after he broke up with his girlfriend bc I was so excited he was single...it happens.

_________________

[kowwpow]

ik I don’t normally talk abt stuff like this, but it’s been really weighing me down a lot. This is a major vent(rlly bad and prob rlly triggering) and I’m talking to no one in particular, just in general. I would encourage ppl not to say anything abt it or just not read it at all bc I’m mostly just typing what I cannot say out loud.

Okay, so the presidential election is this year. Yeah, I’ve heard abt project 2025 😐 I’ve read about it. And I want to scream. How has trump managed to make something that infinitely worse than Kosa(imo)

because holy fuck, I know this is not what I should be focusing on and it’s low-key selfish, but reversing women’s rights?! I’m not 100% sure what that entails, but I’ve seen a screenshot of the actual legitimate document saying that the only “valid family” is with a working husband and a stay-at-home wife.

Do you not understand how frustrating it is to have the ability to do whatever you want with your life dangled in front of you for your entire life, and be told you could be whoever you want to be, just for it to very possibly be ripped away from you right as you get close to adulthood.

Everything about this is so horrendous?!

I already wished I lived anywhere but the us, but it’s so much worse now.

If Trump becomes president again, and if this project gets put into place, would I even be able to leave the country??! Would I be allowed to live in another country, or would I be forced to stay here, miserable.

like, in all seriousness, completely 100% genuine right now. I might actually just kill myself if and when I get to adulthood if this happens, and if I am forced into a life I don’t want. I’m already suicidal, and the thought that I won’t get to experience life as I told I would be able to would absolutely crush me and would probably be the final straw tbh.

It feels like I’m being toyed with, why are some(<- important, i know good Christians) Christians so fucking entitled and cruel and just horrible. This is going to drive people AWAY from your religion, it’s going to make people hate it! Why does trump think he gets to shove all of his beliefs onto everyone else and force everyone to comply. I don’t want to be a stay at home mom, hell, I don’t think I want to be a mom, period!!

I thought we stepped away from all the toxic stuff before lgbt and women’s rights. But no, apparently not.

I am actually raging and crying over this, you cannot do this to me! Or anyone! It’s not fair!!

I hate this place, I don’t want to be here anymore, genuinely :(

likely will take this down later, but I desperately needed to get this off my chest bc idk if I can trust my dad enough to talk abt it. Bc my family is super religious and I’m guessing my dad is a trump supporter. God, I hope not.

[the-sonic-crew]

First off Trigger warning (for sh, and kms mentioned)

Heya shadow!

I just wanna talk, but i made some cookies try one, made them my self sure i almost burned the kitchen down but its fine

So i just need to get this off my chest but i also don’t wanna bother anyone i know personally, im really great at doing that… but on new years this year i was ready to off myself but decided “no, no,” and instead ended up just relapsing and ruining my self harm clean streak,

I was so down and crying and stuff i wanted to call the help line, I stared at it and didn’t know what to even say, i never ended up calling them, i just wanted at least someone to tell me a story, everyone i knew was having fun, so was some family, but not my mom or my sisters dad they were having a bad argument, its nothing new, but i absolutely hate yelling and they just idk it’s not a healthy relationship, its actually the relationship that makes me so scared of dating and falling in love.

My family is broken, and since i have basically witnessed this broken family since childhood, it became one of the reasons that i held in my pain, and how i felt, i would watch my mom silently cry in her room, witch also led me to go “no i should not talk to someone, im just going to hide in my room and cry” that also led to my self harm i need somthing to stop, and the pain i felt was good, i never used sharp sharp objects, i used siccors it gave me pain but never left marks at least i thought but it still left marks just really faint marks…. I don’t do it often but when im in alot of emotional pain i would physically hurt myself just to stop it….

There is alot of times in my life where I thought everyone’s lives would be better off without me, i do still think that and I don’t know, i always get in the way. I don’t feel good, I don’t like who i am, I don’t like being told that im annoying, and its true i know im annoying, i also didn’t like the fact that when i finally after years of holding back that i had planned to die the very same day i moved out and started living with my aunt, that I would not have, it hurts being told “you wouldn’t have” after saying “i would be dead today if i didn’t leave” and it hurts, it hurts my heart to think about it, im not good at communicating, my jokes are always so bad, and i just always feel like im a terrible person, i want someone to just sit next to me, listen to be rant and vent and let me cry while hugging them but at the same time i don’t wanna be a bother, i hate that feeling i get.

Ever heard of the bone theory? Basically Where if you never broken a bone it means that your already bearing so much pain compared to having a broken bone, or something like that im not entirely sure.

But i never broken a bone before and i have gone through so much mental abuse and my mom wants me to just forgive the person that constantly brought us pain, there are times i have sat in my room crying headphones blasted because of the yelling, i had jumped onto the road to get hit by a moving car only to find out that was my aunt driving, i almost stabbed my self in the gut, i used to bang my head against my wall, i hit myself, im just so tired of everything, life isnt fair. I hate living like this, no one wants to hire me so i genuinely cannot leave this house as badly as i want to I can’t.

Im really tired, I don’t wanna be here anymore and no one has listened to me they don’t see my pain and it hurts me from the inside out, i try, and im still trying to hold on i even swore to god that if i died before my cat dies then no questions asked send me to hell, because i would basically leave her at the hands of the family that don’t even care about her….

Am i a bad person for feeling this way, because i feel like i am i feel like i should not be allowed to feel like this, i feel like i shouldn’t even have the privilege to feel like this….. I just I don’t im hurt, im sad, and no one believes that i am, probably because i always have a smile on my face and i never show physical signs…. I don’t know im sorry if this is alot to hear….. i just needed to get this off my chest somwhere…. I have been called childish even though im an adult… is this childish, i feel childish… my feelings never feel validated and only are just childish…

Thank you for listening :(

You're not childish it's okay kiddo.

I've been where you are, George was always a little... Harsh, I suppose, on Maria. It made me feel scared to each out for things.

I'm glad you felt strong enough to send this ask.

You're so brave and strong.

If I could offer any advice, it would be to keep yourself safe and stay alive.

We need you alive, want you alive, I want and need you alive.

I know you're an amazing kid, you just need to hang in there Anon, alright?

C'mere.

He holds his arms out for you to hug him if you'd like

/mod undercut/

Hey there, Anon.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, you don't deserve it at all.

I understand how you feel, I have my own history with sh and attempts, but I feel so much better now, and if I could get better, I know you can too.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you the world is an amazing place filled with sunshine and rainbows, because quite frankly, it's not.

This world is shitty and it beats down people when they're already down on the ground.

But that's why you have to get back up and prove you're stronger then what you might even think.

If I may, I have a Google Doc full of resources that you might find helpful if you want to look at that. I believe in you, Anon <3

HELP I'M PANICKING AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

[cookinguptales]

guess it's time for the vent post

(note: I will be okay. usually my ketamine treatments help with pmdd symptoms, but occasionally a treatment won't hit quite right and things will get worse for a couple days. I'll be okay, though, I'm just feeling... well, a cocktail of self-doubt, anxiety, loneliness, and overthinking. lmao)

anyway, full disclosure, this won't be a very nice or happy post and is probably the kind of thing I would've posted in a locked LJ entry back in the day but that doesn't really exist in the same way anymore so just bear with me. I need to just. get it out somewhere.

lately I've really been worrying that I'm not capable of being in a normal relationship anymore. like, I was never great at social interaction, but I'll admit that things really took a fucking nosedive after a particularly bad relationship with a woman who. well, I don't think it's a night for particulars. she was an adult and I wasn't. I was very lost, very lonely, and very sick back then, and she really enjoyed being the only person I felt like I could count on.

I... was wrong, I guess.

and... idk, I've definitely had a lot of nights since then (and days with therapists) where I try to sort through how exactly that affected me and my ability to form meaningful romantic relationships. I have a difficult time feeling safe with people. honestly, I did even before her (I had... a very fucked-up home life) but it was harder after. and let's just say that a lot of my friends at the time turned out to be... less than friendly when the shit hit the fan.

so... yeah. hard for me to open up to people in a meaningful way, I guess. like, I can tell strangers about my anxieties, but it becomes harder for me to do once we're friends. and even then, I guess I can trust people with my thoughts but not my... idk, emotional safety.

once when I was pretty tipsy I told a friend that I didn't think I could love the kind of person who would actually love me back, and I still worry that it's true. I allow myself feelings very rarely, and when I do, it's always for people who don't feel the same way.

I never... like... set out to do it... I don't think it's a conscious thing. I fell for straight girls a few times. then bi girls with boyfriends. I did eventually make it to single lesbians, but they always ended up either getting girlfriends, not wanting to date at all, or just not wanting to date me.

to be clear, I don't blame any of them. but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should be blaming me...? like, I never knew that any of them were straight or coupled or uninterested when I developed feelings myself. but I wonder if subconsciously, I picked up on it...?

for a while now, I've been genuinely worried that My Type is girls who aren't into me. :')

like, not consciously. but subconsciously, am I just picking up on the fact that they're not attracted to me? or they're safely ensconced in another relationship? or they are comfortably not dating at all? but either way, they're not looking at me like a potential partner, and I like that?

some days I feel like I've mostly healed from everything that happened, and other days I feel like I'm just going to be broken and fucked-up and unlovable forever. like, jesus christ, have I learned to associate people who actually want me with danger? do I only feel safe with people who aren't attracted to me? is that why that's the only kind of person I ever want to date?

good god, that's fucked up.

I mean, the only two alternatives, really, are that I am just incredibly unlucky or the meaner parts of me are right and people really just don't want a fat cripple with a mediocre personality.

the latter probably isn't entirely true. men are easy, unfortunately, and I'd be happier if they didn't want me.

(and then you run into the special kind of anger that happens when a woman that a man thought was beneath them actually turns them down, oof. guess they thought the girl with the cane would be more desperate, huh?)

and I've been on a few dating app dates with girls who seemed to like me well enough, but like. just no chemistry whatsoever.

is the special spark??? a woman not wanting me???

food for fucking thought.

anyway, I guess I just kind of avoided thinking about it for a long time but I'm in my mid30s now and it kind of feels like I have avoided things for too long now! that's pretty old to have never had a long-term relationship! other than with the fucking creep who wanted to ~teach me about sex~ back when I was young and less disabled and maybe still worth something!

I guess that was uncalled for, but some days I really do feel like there was a window and boy did I fucking miss it. like everyone else had this chance to learn their way around a romance and I spent mine hooked up to hospital wires and texting with a grown-ass woman who fed on youth.

I recognize that a key part of grooming -- and abusive relationships in general -- is their ability to make you feel like they are the only person who will ever love you. I also recognize that these people are very good at finding the one kid in the room who believes at their core that they will never be loved. (or even make it to age 20, I guess. didn't know if the whole intermittent blindness thing was going to kill me or not back then.)

but goddamn do I still feel like she hollowed me out and took all the parts of me that were lovable with her. like maybe she will be the only woman who ever wants me, and that's fucking horrifying to think about.

there are nights where you just stare at the wall and wonder what made you so damn attractive to pedophiles, y'know? I knew enough at that age to shake off the men, but her? didn't even see it coming.

and I suppose there are the worse nights, the ones where you wonder if normal, well-adjusted, not-creepy people never would have wanted you even if you weren't too damaged to carry on a real relationship. like maybe I was insufferable enough without the ptsd. catnip for creeps and not much else.

damn, dude, why am I so good at pulling men who follow me home from the bus stop but not women who actually care about my well-being. that's the question.

idk. I feel like at this point, like... 75% of me has come to terms with it. like, I guess it's just not something that happens to everybody. not everyone finds someone who loves them and who they love in return. not everyone is cut out for that life.

but then I look at my own writing and the way I just keep doing it, I just keep latching onto broken characters who have had the best parts of them hollowed out, who believe that they are unlovable, and I write a story that says no, you're not. Here, I've made someone for you who loves you wholly and desperately, even broken as you are.

and I feel like that must be the last 25%, huh? or at least the part of me that wants to comfort broken creatures, whether those creatures are characters I made up or ones I didn't or my readers or the people I read about on the news or maybe a 15yo kid who just wanted someone to fucking love her.

I want to take care of her so badly now. I want to love her in a good way, not the selfish kind that takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left. But I guess I just don't know how.

I realized the other day that I just wrote a book that I would have loved at that age. Now I kind of feel like I've been writing bedtime stories for a ghost.

I'll be okay. I always am. It's just... a rough night. They come and they have always come and they will always come and all I can do is write.

Just wish it were something more comforting this time. :')

[fangirlingtod3ath]

Been seeing lots of Alien Stage content during these past few days and I'm glad! Idk if it's because the next chapter is coming soon and fans are hyped or because people found this series and decided to join too. I think both.

So since the community is spreading I thought it'd be a good moment to give my opinion on chapter 6 because I wanted to do it for a while now but didn't have anyone to talk to (the community was too small), so this is kind of like a vent?

I'm going to talk about the reason why the kiss scene bothered me. I'm not here to criticize or anything, the chapter was amazing and I love it (I still have faith Ivan is alive) A masterpiece.

But am I the only one who felt weird about the kissing scene? I like ivantill, but the kiss scene just made me feel sorry for Till.

If in the end it is confirmed that Till was SAed by an alien (and I think it was already done in a post recently, because I see a lot of people talking about this lately. But I still don't think confirmation is needed because that scene says it all) I don't want to imagine how Till must feel seeing one of the people closest to him "disrespect" him like that. He has already been through it, so I don't want to know how he must feel when a friend does it too.

Of course I know there's context behind and I know the reason why Ivan did it, but Till didn't know. So I wouldn't be surprised if he got some flashbacks of that moment. After all his body language says everything.

I don't see many people talk about it so idk if I'm being delusional because for everyone the scene was cute and "oh finally they kissed!" But it wasn't the same experience for me. I actually feel really bad for Till and I hope people talk more about, I've only seen a few and others are too hyped to notice. Idk

[star-on-a-beach]

Okay um. I really don't like doing this, like, ever

But

Tw for vent post, Bc idk, maybe it'll help if I talk about this where it'll be seen and not on a vent blog where I know no one sees it

So it's pretty obvious that pretty much everything right now is in kind of a shit state and I'm really at the end of my line trying to be optimistic about it. Presidential election, rp, guard, college, art, writing, all of this shit, even stuff I'm supposed to enjoy, makes me want to fucking shatter a rock because I don't want to do anything anymore other than scroll through social media on my phone which, I've probably developed an addiction, and of course that makes me feel even fucking worse bc I told myself I'd never get addicted and look at where I am now

So many things I'm unhappy with are really kind of tying back to me and I'm so angry at everything but especially myself now, but theres nothing I feel like I can do about it but try and break it all down I guess?

There's shit going on with color guard and, other than the friends I've made within it and the actual performances, I don't fucking enjoy it anymore because our coach is apparently super fucking shitty and a liar and unfair and argumentative and never sticks with the drill she writes and doesn't give us the resources to put it together correctly, WHEHN SHES LITERALLY OUR COACH AND THATS HER JOB, IVE TRIED SO HARD TO STAY KIND TO HER BUT WITH EVERYONE AROUND ME TALKING SHIT AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BAD PERSON SHE IS IM STARTING TO DO IT TOO AND I HATE IT

And then obviously there's the actual schoolwork that needs to get done, I thought I had not one, not two, but 3 FUCKING ESSAYS DUE ON THE 11TH, WHICH WERE ASSIGNED TO US ON WEDNESDAY, AND EACH HAD TO BE 700 WORDS LONG. Granted it doesn't actually have to be like that but teachers are talking about finals now and I'm going to have SO many essays for that and I have a whole debate too. I'm tired and sick of waking up at ridiculously different times for classes and not being able to have a goddamn nap bc I'm either working, procrastinating with the screens addiction again, or I don't have enough time because god knows I can't take power naps for SHIT, and I'm not fucking paying for coffee in this economy

I can't even relax how I normally want to because I'm so tired from everything, too. Writing big things for TAOCC or drawing feels like a chore, and then I feel obligated to draw others characters or I want to actually do so but I have no energy for it, and I can't get my art to look how I want it to perspective-wise, no matter how many tutorials I look at, and it never ends up the way I want and I haven't even finished TAOCCTOBER or Memoryquest, both of which I feel shitty for, because then they're both more things that I'm giving up on, and I give up on so much shit so easily unless I'm being pushed over and over and over and over, although rn I really wanna just say to hell with it and kill both of them entirely

And with taocc as a whole, I don't even know where to begin. I mentioned in my earlier post that I'm struggling to be assertive and actually say what I want with RP, which results in me feeling really unsatisfied with it a lot. I feel like people aren't interested in my characters and I need to be the one trying to build the characters' connections by asking questions, which. I love when other characters ask mine questions, because so much would be revealed if PEOPLE JUST ASKED. I know you guys don't mean it in this way but I feel like I'm trying to push all of this out, but I barely get anything back except for maybe one question or comment or smth, but it feels like the characters aren't interested in my characters' pasts, and that means the mods aren't either. Which, is really no fault of yours, whether you are or not, it's my fault because I can't bring myself to get off my high horse and actually say "hey, are you willing to have your characters ask about mine?" because I have the firm mentality of "if they wanted to, they would", and I'm trying to make other characters feel important while also craving mine to feel important, but the moment they do, I wonder if I'm taking the main-character roles too much and I need to even it out so I immediately divert the attention back to yours and feel shitty about it. Once again, this is no one's fault but mine, and this is partially why my relationship with my last rp partner, aka my ex bsf, ended, because I wasn't assertive enough and kept wondering if I was hogging the spotlight any time focus did switch to my characters which just isn't enjoyable for anyone. So I'm angry and terrified that these patterns which are repeating are going to lead to a similar outcome.

It isn't even just that though, I just really hate how I write as a whole rn. I used to be so poetic and good with words but now they read difficult unless I'm writing a great wall of text, and my characters aren't acting the way I want to, partially because I'm trying to morph them to get along more with other characters and diminish their flaws so they're liked by others, but it just takes away from who they were originally and I hate that as well. It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the rp but for fucks sake I expect myself to be a better writer than this.... and I haven't even gotten around to fixing the fucked-up-with-a-side-of-cheddar timelines, which have been NAGGING at my mind for FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, but once again, I don't even want to do anything anymore and I get mad bc the only things I wanna do are just self indulgent shit and like hell I'm asking for that from anyone (see, that's part of the problem, right there.)

I think the only thing I hate more than not being assertive with rp is the fact that I'm an adult among you all. Yes, being 18 now while the majority of you are minors is a massive fucking deal to me, and I'm realizing why exactly adults generally avoid friendships like this, because I'm constantly worried about being a good example to you all. I have to have the good advice, I have to be available, I have to be good with assertiveness and boundaries, hell part of the reason I try and avoid venting so much is because you all do not fucking need to have that burden. Every time I do something like this post I immediately think "these are kids and I'm an adult, it's kids trying to help an adult who should not be saying this stuff or laying this burden on them", as if I'm some kind of weirdo. I really try my damndest to not be one of those adults who dumps all their problems on adolescents in order to feel better about their own shitty life, I don't want to be the adult who their younger friends are comforting all the time and have that burden on them (yes, I am completely aware this post contradicts that, and yes, I am very ashamed but I feel Im at rock bottom and you guys deserve to know (but don't deserve the burden of it)). I don't feel like the example I want to be to you guys, I'm incredibly dense, and half the time, I feel like an oblivious idiot for the simplest fucking things in rp even when no one says anything that implies any of you guys think that. I get so annoyed as well, and that's another part I especially hate, it's that I get annoyed with the smallest things so damn easily, whether it's someone saying something random in call and breaking silence, or someone talking about a subject after we've moved on, or a rant that's gone on for a really long time. All of those are ridiculous things to be annoyed by, and I'm completely aware of that. I'm not proud of it whatsoever. It might also be the weather, but I'm so, so, so annoyed by so many tiny, insignificant things nowadays that it's ridiculous, and I've snapped on call a few times which I feel horrible about. I'm trying so hard to be a good, strong role model for all of you, because that's what you deserve and I want to be like that for you. But, both here and in real life, my own idiocy and density and emotions make me feel like I'm never going to escape being a dense, emotional, spacy child who keeps trying to catch up. And as an adult, I'm really, really, really upset that I feel like this because once again, you guys are the minors, not me. I'm not saying you guys should feel like that (I really hope not, no one should feel like that), but it feels even worse since I'm trying to be the adult for you guys to look up to, but I'm looking up to all of you instead. And then, even worse, I get jealous. Not of the bad shit you guys go through, but like. Insignificant things. Art styles, friends, activities, actually having your family around. I really hate myself for being jealous of that and always comparing and trying to match it since it's completely hypocritical of me otherwise.

I'm closing up this vent, but tw for some darker themes in the next paragraph

I'm really just kind of sick of life as a whole. I'm done being an adult, to hell with this, just let me be the younger friend again so I don't have to see myself as an old baby. I'm tired of all of this and the dark jokes I make, they're horrible, but they're becoming more common and I think about the content of them a lot. I'm so tired of this shit and feeling like this and I'm mad and ashamed that I'm making this post because of everything I said above. I'm so done with everything. To hell with this country, to hell with my future, to hell with drawing and writing and trying to put stuff out. At the time of writing this I'm crying, because I'm really really missing my dad. I want to hug him and be with him. I want my family overall to be okay. I want to feel happy and content with myself and my life like back in summer. I'm so sorry for having to say all this but it's the truth and, again, this is my last resort for trying to feel better because hell knows I don't have the initiative to make an appointment and talk to a therapist on campus. Ik this will go away later but ffs i don't know if I can wait until later.

Ok, heavy vent part is over

I've said a lot so I'm ending it here. If you choose to ignore this, that's fine. I'd appreciate some kind of acknowlegement, tbh, whether it's a like or a comment or something, or just a kind word (whatever you do, please don't just put *hug* and leave it at that, hugs dont really feel like they have much more meaning at this point). It feels ridiculous to ask you for comfort especially after kinda dumping all of this here for you guys to see but I might as well try ig. Idk, I'm gonna just try and not delete this out of shame.

I hope you all know that I love you guys so, so, so, so much. This community has brought me so much joy and leaving is the last thing I'd ever dream of unless I had to. I hope you guys don't mind me doing this too much. Logically Ik you probably don't but, really, none of what I just vented about is based in logic regardless.

Thank you for reading, whether it was skimming or fully reading it. Kind words are appreciated but obviously not forced and I love you guys so much. Goodnight ❤️

[ourceliumnetwork]

Personal vent post:

this isn't even about my health issues because SOMEHOW, every time, my communication issues with my one partner overshadow my own personal bullshit to the point of obscuring it entirely.

it would be a lot easier to work through the compulsion to explain in excruciating detail to the best of my ability exactly what i'm doing and exactly why and how i got there if talking to them about ANYTHING and bringing ANYTHING up didn't lead to them jumping to the worst possible option even when there is no indication that was even a POSSIBILITY open to interpreting.

like. i do not feel comfortable telling them when i'm having health problems come up because if i do it ahead of time they jump to the conclusion that i'm going to fall to pieces on my own and that nothing will be done about it and that i'm just going to crumble and i do not know without shoving it in their face that i am actually really well supported and cared for up here, and i'm not alone and without connections - and truly i never have been it's just whether or not the connections i had were reliable or easy to access like.

Like i get it i was there i was alone and didn't have anyone and worried that any bad thing that happened to my people far away that i learned about was a bigger catastrophe than they were telling me. But after MULTIPLE times of being told that no that's not what was happening - or even just idk like *waiting* for more information??? i got over it so long as the wording isn't too ominous.

if it's important it will get back to me, and even if it's not important i'm probably gonna learn about it at some point. And i just want them to get to that point with me too - we've been chatting regularly for years now, and i've brought stuff up previously, we had the whole debacle of confusion, and i really thought i'd been clear and i know, i know that they have things to work on on their own but like.

if i don't give enough information they panic and assume something REALLY bad is going on when i'm just like. giving them a heads up about what i'm doing because i don't want them to worry. If i give too much information it's an attack and they assume they've done something wrong so i then have to turn around and comfort them and hold their hand through telling them that it's not even a little about them but in a nice way.

and god forbid i actually have something that concerns me i'd like to bring up because if i don't explain EXACTLY what i mean covering as many unlikely conclusions to be leapt to as possible, they're just going to start beating themself up for being the worst person in the world and i don't know that i can DO that right now.

Especially with everything else that's just come up like.

i'm glad i've made the decision not to allude to the current health concern when talking to them because like. i've barely processed that and they will be of NO HELP in comforting me through this process, and like i understand it's scary to hear especially if you care about me, but like. i understand that because I'm currently the one experiencing it thank you very much. I do not want to have to coddle and hold someone else's hand when i'm barely processing that it's a thing i finally brought up with the doctor at all.

like.

that's a surefire way to learn you don't get to learn any more about my health concerns, is either making yourself the one who needs to be cared for about it, or dismissing things and like. no they don't dismiss my health concerns but they also don't read the messages I send.

....i think that's what bothers me. They are receiving the messages they are skimming them, making interpretations and connections that aren't there, and then reacting to that. They're not even reading between the lines they're reading between lines i didn't fucking write. And it's exhausting! I.... I want to be there for them while they work on this and figure it out because i know they are working on it. but god i don't think i can. i have doctor appointments to schedule and get to. I've got a surgery scheduled. This isn't. like.

i don't have time to walk you through healing and becoming yourself, i barely have the time and energy to work through my own and i'm helping you because i love you but for fucks sake you're making this fucking difficult.

....and it's not a good sign i wish they'd remembered they'd broken up with me so i wouldn't have to go through all this. i'm STILL reeling from that revelation frankly and i'm very concerned they're expecting me to be cool with progressing the relationship back to a point we hadn't been at in almost a year in just a few months after SIX MONTHS of me thinking we were just friends again. L I K E. what.

how is my life this. how is this the thing that overtakes my day when i just found out my tits might be sick like. are you serious. i was just warning you that a flare up/crash was coming because i've been pushing myself too hard and sometimes that makes me tired and incommunicative and i didn't want to drop off the face of the planet because i CARE ABOUT YOU STUPID.

i just. i want to be so mean. i want to be mean and cruel and nasty about this because like. bitch. how can i ever think of leaning on you for support if every time i do you make me pick you back up and walk you through the whole thing *please* do your own hard work please please PLEASE.

like.

and i know they are i know they're working on their own things and stuff and i get it, i get that they haven't had as much time to consider their healing and such and GOD i hope i wasn't this difficult to talk to back in the day but if i was i am so fucking sorry for putting anyone through this holy FUCK.

but like i've just learned it's entirely possible i could end up with a state-sanctioned top surgery, and like. I can't talk to one of my partners about it because doing so has the very high likelihood of me having to support and comfort them through it and frankly right now, that should be *me*.

like the warning i gave them was BEFORE the dr visit - i was just warning them about a normal and pretty foreseeable flare-up that i go through every time i overdo some shit because i forget i'm disabled like that just happens and it happens pretty regularly but i didn't warn them about previous ones because the worst ones i've had in recent history happened over the summer when i was under the impression we were not dating. like are you KIDDING me. this is just normal shit i'm sorry you're not a part of it normally i'm sorry i dno't keep up with you as best as i could i know the long distance is a two way street but like.

c'mon man. please. please just. be a safer place dammit. people i just met 3 months ago are being better about offering me comfort and shit in these tryingtimes and i haven't even explained what's going on to them yet. we've known each other for 11 years now you NEED to get on the program or I'm going to need to let you heal by yourself until we're both different people and we can maybe try again like GOD.

...anyway i'm not like. actively dying everything is fine i'm okay. it's scary and unknown but it's also been a thing for 15+ years and at this point like if it was gonna kill me dead i'd be long gone. i'm just Scared and Overwhelmed with the implications and also scheduled a whole surgery (unrelated, but important) so like. it's Fine and everything is going to be Fine whatever the outcome is, because worst case scenario the email that will blow my tits clean off will come in and like as a trans person who would enjoy the ability to have removable tits i'm not *mad* about that option it's just. on a bit of a quicker time scale than i was anticipating.

also the catholic hospital system says i don't need any other reasons to get my tubes out so like i'm not gonna be mad about my dr visit today

just a little scared. which i feel is super fine and normal and actually i'm probably underselling it a little. which is okay! because i'm okay! i'm not dying i'm just. got more health shit.

[the-s1lly-corner]

gender dysphoria comfort for afab reader x spot?? :p

Spot comforting an AFAB/trans reader

Rubs my autistic little hands (in a cool nonbinary way)

Not gonna specify if reader is a trans man/nonbinary or somewhere in between/else where so!!!

Heavy projection on my end because my dysphoria is kinda. Raging

But also idk how to comfort myself so this is gonna translate into spot bouncing around

It shows so bad that I!! Am bad at outright comfort <\3

Happy pride by the by! Not sure if I said that over here yet

YEEEAAAAAH 4am posting REAL

Right off the bat I wanna make it clear that this man would snag some stuff for you

Of course he does this in general, but hes more than willing to get you things that may help you express yourself

Clothes, are a big one! Need a new wardrobe? Hes already on it! Same applies to other things you may need

On the fence on if he would snag some hormones for you; since he doesnt wanna risk taking them from someone else

Actually ykw

Bros a scientist

Be can probably make his own solutions

Anyways onto the actual

Ask

Admittedly Spot is not the best at comforting others, so his go to is self projection; if that makes sense

Applies what he knows cheers him up to you?? Like venting and physical affection can help him get through rough patches, so he'll try to urge you to vent during a cuddle session

Reinforces that you look handsome; though hes down with calling you anything if that isnt your cup of tea

Hes a scientist, he does research! Listens to every word you say and sucks up any information regarding the topic he can find

Offers some tips on passing, if that's what you need

OOOOOH BRAIN BLAST

You guys have self care days together as is, but you guys tend to have them on days things get rough

Basic.. self care things. Low stress activities, you both go shopping (stealing) (hes wearing s shitty disguise), things like that

He toooootally doesnt target anyone who purposefully gets your pronouns or name wrong! What? What do you mean that rude person lost everything out of no where, y/n? He doesn't know what you're talking about, he doesn't know anything about anyone

Easily your biggest fan and supporter, your personal hypeman

Generally he let's you know that he loves you, and that regardless of how you present youre amazing and valid. He may not know the best way to comfort you all the time, but he's trying his best to hear you out and advocate for you! While he may not be the most... ferocious.. man out there, but he's quite vocal to anyone who dares try to tell you otherwise! Whether you present more feminine, masculine, or androgynous; he'll be right at your side

Also now that I think about it, if he got his hands on the material he'd definitely try to make a way to literally. Just change your sex right there to align with how you feel

If the dude can make a mini collider on his own he can probably make the transgenderinator

[hetalia-club]

Giving you this bc ur like, the only hetalia blog i still follow that still posts. But like.

Okay back in 2018-2019(?) i had a pretty big hetalia phase, i watched hetafacts videos n every episode that was on YouTube, i listened to the music on repeat. It was a major hyperfixation before i knew that i was autistic.

For the longest time after i stopped, engaging with hetalia for some reason i would. Cringe really hard whenever i saw anything hetalia related. Like. On ao3 when you go to search things it tells you how to search things and one i got (and keep getting) is like "hetalia tag:f/f" or something idk how proper ao3 searches work. Id like screenshot it and go to my friends n say "it haunts me" or some shit.

But like recently ive been. Embracing that part of my past? I guess? Like. Almost like coming to terms with it? Idk i started having a less bad reaction n like, realized it probably one of the more normal fandoms i was in. I was, cringe, as all kids are, but i was. Happy.

And then like. At a sleepover a few weeks ago, one thing leads to another and im telling my friend abt the songs and how ich leibe is. Just a recipe, and how i used to listen to almost all of the songs. I show them the clip of France trying to get England to sign a marriage contract, America ordering fucking condoms from Russia.

It has been at least 2 weeks since, and i can feel the hyperfixation coming back, half the music ive been listening too again is hetalia character songs (theyre so fucking good???) and ive been getting. Urges to watch the show and. I dont know how to feel or what to do?? Like. I'm afraid almost to get back into hetalia? Like i watched black butler a while ago, and i realized how. Theres some weird fucking tension between ceil n sebastian n i think im afraid im going to have that same reaction to hetalia?

Cause like there is shit i just completely forgot about. Like. The Bad Touch Trio. And im scared man.

Im sorry to fuckin, give you all of this, but i just. I dont know what to do ig. None of my friends like or used to like hetalia, the one i do info dump hetalia stuff too does not like hetalia and is learning shit about it against their will.

Idk, should i watch the show again? Is it, good? I genuinely can't remember anymore.

Sorry for using ur ask box like a confessional

I mean I’m right there with you man. The sole reason I am still in the Hetalia fandom is because hetalia got me through some real dark chapters and events in my life. I discovered Hetalia years ago in Highschool while with a very abusive ex who had to know everything I was doing at any given time. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere without him there. I tried to break up with him but he actually wouldn’t let me. He would threaten to off himself if I did so I felt bad because his mom was an alcoholic and his houses burned down. I stopped really going anywhere at all because if I did he would come with me and he ruined my relationships with most of my friends just by being ‘the worst’. I stopped cheerleading, I got depression really bad, I started to do terrible in all my classes but I discovered Hetalia while on deviant art and was instantly intrigued. It was like “idk what this is but I will now make it my personality”

Years later while with my most recent abusive Ex that I just broke up with last November I got back into Hetalia when our relationship started to get really bad and hard to cope wit on my own. I needed an escape and something to help me avoid him and no care so much about his insults something that I could think about instead of being sad all the time. Hetalia is something that just brings me joy. Instead of venting to people, getting therapy or increasing my meds Hetalia was just always there to go back to and escape. No idea what it is about it. Won’t go into details about the relationship, it’s irrelevant right now but I’m sure you can guess.

To answer your question, no Hetalia isn’t ‘good’ it makes zero sense and is confusing as hell. But for me it’s fun to use as a spring board for basically any kind of AU I could think up. The characters can fit into any type of situation you want to shove them in.

I would say give it a rewatch, as much as you want anyway. What is the worst that could happen? You continue an interest that brought you joy? Worst case. You are a bit cringe? Who cares if you are cringe if you are happy? Also not encouraging you to live a double life but if you are embarrassed to like Hetalia you don’t actually have to tell anyone how obsessed with it you are. No one but my ex knows how much I like Hetalia and he really has no idea just how deep I am in this shit. But if people knowing about one of your interests humiliates you then just don’t share it. At the end of the day it’s your comfort and it makes you happy it’s no one’s business.

There are a lot of old fandom tropes that have disappears the BTT being one of them. They put them as a group still but I guess they call it ‘bad friends ti’ now. There are still some things that make me side eye. But that’s every fandom I feel. You can choose who you wish to associate with and who you want to block or avoid. It’s your blog you don’t own an explanation to anyone.

Personally I don’t interact much with the people of the fandom itself I got a few people it talk to every now and again but really i just do my own thing. I write my own fics for myself. I got my little tumblr, discord and TikTok, I post about my little AUs and dumb thoughts and continue on. If people want to follow me that’s great, welcome. If they don’t that’s cool to!

Thanks for sticking around with me even after your Interest in Hetalia fizzled out tho haha! That had to be difficult I am very annoying at times I’m sure 😭.

Again worst thing that could happen than if you are a bit cringe. But not being cringe is boring as hell. Irl I’m one of the most normal bitches you could find. Carbon copy white girl. Absolutely no one would guess I were a Hetalia obsessed loser irl. In a line up you could not pick me out and guess my interests. So in February I got my hair done right? I got like. 500 dollar biolage it fades from brown to strawberry blonde. Want to know the reason I got this hair style? Because of Italy that’s why. I wanted red hair like him. Did I tell anyone that? No. When people said they liked my hair and asked me why I went red I would just go “idk just felt like it” but I would be thinking about him knowing the real answer.

Good luck anon, if you stick around welcome back the water is fine. If you don’t can you toss me that life vest up there if you don’t mind? Thank you!

[jarvislover]

If you’d like to talk about what’s eating you but not publicly, I may get a new account just so I can stay 🎲 for you.

Please, share your art! I really like it!

You can call me anytime, but please please don’t feel any pressure. Yes I saw the tags and I don’t want you to feel bad or think you owe me anything.

🎲 will always be lurking, with this identity or another. I lurk on several blogs, you may spot me here or there, but very few know who I really am.

-🎲

awww 😭😭I really appreciate you doing that for me, and I took a second to think about this, because like idek whats eating me up!!Its like so much crap all at once,,,, and idk,,

just a whole paragraph of me js kind of venting about anything and everything all at once would be hard to like reply to (either that and or I would forget everything that's bothering me and stuff, ,and I also realized that idk why I'm worrying about replies when just being able to yap to someone and be like..heard is enough?? As corny as that sounds)

and like, also I cannot take anything seriously, I mean like if your eager to put up with my mess of a "vent" and such, then of course!!

Also, I just feel rlly guilty when I don't reply/and or reach out, because I can do all of those things(like reaching out and talking ig??),, but it's kind of out of my control because i just can't get my brain to start braining.. Yeah.. 🧠🧠??

and to add, when it comes to talking I always feel pressure, it's not anything I can change, but I just feeel the need to talk, , as much as I don't enjoy talking and especially about; what's actually bugging me, I still try to step out of my comfort zone ?ye???

i feel like im overthinking this shit but honestly idgaf because like ?? I never had anyone to vent to that I'm comfortable with venting to yk,??so like this is a better change of pace???? who knew all it could take for me to open up was 🎲 anon

istg I feel like I'm overthinking this, (yes this is how my average thought process looks like)

OK I NEED TO CHILL WITH THE YAPPING OK WAIT,

basically yes 🎲 , chop chop get that account to read my absolutely horrendous yapping sessions like ur a diary or something ??😭

AND, TY, I WILL POST MY DRAWINGS!! *!!! (soon,,probably tomorrow😓)

🎲 will always be lurking...🍳🍳heh..

oh and btw, I'm going to sleep now because I could barley stay awake when writing this xd,,, talk to you tomorrow ig? if u didn't scare u off yet that is😭

goodnight sillies

[fictionfixations]

LMAO ZEN (doesnt it happen for everyones routes though? i havent done like another story yet tho)

anyway before i get into talking about jumin (as the route im on rn) i wanted to wonder

yknow how certain things happen but only on someones route?

like zen has the echo girl thing, idk what yoosung has i forgor but i think jaehee had that one project??? that got her interested in like coffee stuff? jumin has the arranged marriage?? and seven has like. well. the hacker stuff.

but it never gets mentioned on someone elses route ? i dont think? i feel like itd be more cooler if it was all happening at once as like little references (but either something they can handle or cant handle outside of the route. just like maybe a vague mention of trouble to interest the player in that route, while still making sense from like a timeline standpoint???)

like. people doing things but its not because youre the one pushing it towards that. i like that more. and im curious how chaotic itd be

anyway

JUMIN. (disclaimer: I dont like him)

WARNING i start venting in this post. theres only one mention of a triggering thing (which is warned before the actual vent part but i dont want to put here to bring the mood down more cause in all honesty im over it. im just kind of projecting.)

i think ive said before how i can understand the liking of possessive partners

but. okay maybe its just that i dont like jumin as much as the others but. this is kinda way too much. or maybe its that i value my own independence a whole lot or maybe its because i really dont like the thing with his cat (and i LIKE cats. so giving me a character who likes cats and making me not like them??? ahgeiudhf)

like 'dont leave or ill go insane and make your face known everywhere so i can find you again' like the fuck no w h y CAN I LEAVE

I want to leave i dont care if i get the bad ending get me out of here 😭 (actually i think the bad ending mightve been if we encouraged being compared to like his cat and like. was willing to stay forever.)

e w NO like CHILL

maybe. im. being too extreme. and im just too on edge. but like. can you not. i am not your property?? i am not an object??

now LISTEN i understand marking. like like yknow biting and so and so as like a claim over your partner. and now that? thats hot and i like that. but thats ONLY for the bedroom there comes a point where too much of a thing is a bad thing

ALSO we've known each other how many days has it been. eight?? WE've known each other EIGHT days dont be horny bonk

g o o d . this is good.

STOP. dont talk like you know whats best for a person. like its some thing that'll happen, not a what if.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. now if he was being more weird id say go home but hes. OKAY. ish. now. like hes trying. and anyway getting him to not do it takes time. and also this is a game of romance fantasies where creepy shit gets played off as kinky or something. (not a jab towards mysme its just the kind of thing its trying to do which can result in uncomfortable parts if you take off your rose-tinted glasses of wOAH ROmANCE. its expected since ppl think certain things are hot when in reality its kind of very not that great)

…CAN I GO HOME???? like BRUH im not gonna accept you just cause you do so and so

why does this feel like a 'nice guy'. maybe this is my bad because this is making me really want to leave buth gdiuhfuih

trigger warning. i vent. mention of kermit sewer slide but nothing actual.

ive been pushing the 'stay here to help jumin feel more calm' but. i do also need to prioritize my own well being and my well being is not happy here rn 😭 (on a serious note though while its important to be there for your partner, its NOT a good thing to give everything to make sure your partners okay, because y'all are equals and as you help them stand they need to help you stand too or you'll collapse under all that and it really wont be a good time. im telling you its very draining. and why i promote the idea of get your shit together before you get with someone because there comes a point where you can be too dependent on your partner which isnt good for you or for them [and they can feel hesitant to express their feelings because they dont want to hurt you, or hesitant to do anything too stressful because theyre like that support pillar for them, and they dont want to do anything that causes otherwise because they dont want their partner to get hurt. it can also mean they go along with what the other wants even if they dont really want to because they dont want to hurt them. am i projecting? ithink im projecting. cause like. ive been there. and honestly i think it kind of fucked me up cause there was like a power imbalance in that one was significantly more fragile and vulnerable then the other, which made me feel like i should be going along with it because i didnt want them to be hurt when they didnt have anyone else they could rely on but me. [i tried to get them to make more friends cause relying on a single person is very unhealthy but no dice] but that also meant that they didnt respect my boundaries or respect me when i say no and instead just gave off excuses to make me change my mind or made me feel like i had to do what they wanted or theyd deliberately hurt themself. so.. it was a lot. anyway it really fucked me up cause i felt like i was in the wrong for not going along with it. blah blah blah. we split. i genuinely have no idea if it was true or not but they'd started saying things to make me feel bad and just not a fun time at all. they were probably in a really dark time in their life but im gonna be honest. i dont know in what scenario its okay to go 'im gonna kermit sewer slide if you dont [blah blah blah]'. so yknow. and this is not really the same but it still feels the same in walking all over boundaries and lines and is especially why i do not like this character a bit. yay trauma.])

i might actually get a bad ending because i. really dont like this.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi cas, now I'm gonna rant a bit because there's no one I can talk to rn. I'm already gonna say sorry because it's currently 2 am and English is not my main language.

I have so many problems and things to figure out rn, but idk how. First, the biggest thing, I want to see a psychologist so bad, but idk how to tell my parents. They are really not in a good phase, one of my brother barely talks with them, they're not very happy as a couple and they're constantly so tired bc of their work. I need to talk to someone who can actually help me, and not just giving me shit advices, like my friends telling me to try to change "my point of view".

I also think that I may have ADHD, because I made some research and I and I find myself in many of the symptoms. Obviously only online quizzes and random sites are not very accurate, so here why I want to see a phycologist.

Then I have a lot of anxiety and pressure from everyone, because I always was "a perfect daughter" and now they all expect no less from me, but I can't keep up with it. I hate how now everything I do is taken as normal, what "she does normally". Like today I received two grades, a 10- and a 9½, but when I told my mom she didn't say anything, and when I asked her if she was happy of my results, she said "yeah, it's your usual, maybe next time try to reach a full 10". Like,,, ma'am? I don't have a motherfucking lower grade than 8-. Eight minus. Everyone in my class has taken an insufficiency excpet me! Because I don't want to fail as a daughter and student.

And then every time I do anything slightly wrong, it seems like I do nothing all day. Like,, excuse if with my period cramps I didn't clean the stairs and forgot to do my homework, but ladies and gentlemen, I am in pure pain. Sorry if I didn't clean my room, but between trying to keep up with your expectations and not having a mental breakdown I don't have energy. Sorry if I keep eating without timetables, but my stupid brain want to kinda starve myself until I'm about to breakdown and start eating as comfort.

And next my motherfucking sexuality, I'm lesbian, and out to 2 person, both of my age. But idk how my friends (especially my best friends), my parents and my relatives are gonna react, because I'm motherfucking 13, I don't want to lose my relationship with all of them. Idk how to tell people, bc I don't open up so much with people, and surely not abt this. I accept myself so much, but I'm scared of what the people I love will say, because if I don't know you, then I don't give a shit abt what your homophobic brain thinks, but if like my mom tells me that I'm a disgrace and that being lesbian is a sin, idk how I'm gonna recover.

Oh, and next my religion. I live in a Catholic country, literally everyone here is catholic, especially my grandma. I figured out that in fact I'm very much not catholic, I'm probably atheist. But if Ik that my parent are probably not gonna give a shit abt it, my grandma and some more relatives are gonna be so angry w me. Like rn my grandma lives with us, because she broke her leg, and if I tell her, she's gonna make a motherfucking catholic speech everyday.

Sorry for the rant but I needed it. I also gonna have a shitful night because of the headache I have rn, and I didn't help it by writing all this. Thanks <3

Hi!

That sounds like a LOT to be dealing with, I'm so sorry. I hope you know you're allowed to vent to me any time <3

As far as going to a therapist, is there an acceptable reason to go to a therapist where you're from? Like I know you said your parents might not want you to go for the reasons you're describing but what if you lie? Like just to get them to take you to one. Because once you go, it's not like they'll know what you talk about, right?

I'm sending you love and I hope things get better.

Naming you evermore anon!

[velvetvexations]

Since venting is allowed...

I had to start off pride month with aphobia, which really shot my mood. I've already got an entire history full of going to mental health professionals for help with debilitating depression, only for them to find out I'm not interested in a relationship and hooking up and immediately swerving course to tell me how i should be, and it's weird I'm not, and i should do it anyway even if i don't want to- if the topic of relationships is ever brought up i genuinely get this feeling of impending doom. A therapists brings it up and i immediately mentally categorize that therapist as a failed attempt, because it's inevitable they'll be weird about it, they'll hurt me and I can't trust them.

This specific time i was talking to a social worker who was getting my info for accomodations - Conversation went great, talking about my past history i offhandedly mention how the last therapist in particular just spent 6 months trying to hook me up with my (also aroace) best friend, even though i have no desire for any of this - of course, i get told that romance and sex are normal and what EVERY human on earth desires and needs and that therapist had a point. I realize my mistake. Just sit there and silently get lectured how I'm weird and wrong and need to be fixed.

Now, my mom was also there for that, and while she's really not well versed in anything queer, she knows about me being aroace and was supportive from the get go. Just like she did when she talked to that therapist, she tried to diffuse and lead the conversation away by arguing how that isn't relevant and i have much more pressing problems. And just. I appreciate it, i do, not everyone has a parent like that. But I'm thinking about and i just. Wish I'd had someone who would put their hand on the table and shut that down, hard, that I'm fine like this and don't need fixing and others need to stop being shitty to me and ignoring my feelings and wants.

I'm just so tired and resistance has been soundly beaten out of me. I screamed, i cried, i wrote 3 page essays explaining everything i think and feel, and it just feels like i didn't do any of it. At this point I've stopped trying, the topic shifts to relationships and sex and i just heave an inward sigh and prepare to sit through a 20 minute lecture of how wrong i am.

The only real queer spaces i have access to are online, and i just don't find spaces where it's taken all that seriously. At best it's just kind of downplayed, at worst people just deny that it's any kind of problem at all and i should just stop whining. As if a life of people telling me my sexuality is broken and trying to "fix" it just becomes harmless when you're aspec instead of gay.

Going through those mental health problems at all is bad enough, but i also gotta deal with this, and then not having anywhere where i can actually talk about it and get taken seriously. Or have people who get angry on my behalf. Idk where I'm going with this, I'm just so mad that this is how things are.

I'm sorry, anon. Being aroace is completely okay and healthy, you're not broken and you don't need fixing. You're perfect the way you are.