#‘my friend says they have [disorder] which I said was fine as long as their medicine works. but then I looked it up and actually

[rubysparx]

Horrrible mistske of trying to finfd advice for when you have [The Disorder] by just looking it up

[literaryavenger]

Broken

Summary: after Civil War you meet and bond with Bucky Barnes. You want to help him, but do you really realize how hard it's going to be?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Warnings: Minimal use of Y/N. Hints to eating disorder. Language probably, for now just fluff and innocent and broken Bucky. My poor attempts at being funny.

Word Count: 2.7K

A/N: This is my first story, and it's taken me a long time to even decide to post it. As of now I honestly have no idea where this story is going, the idea just popped in my head and I ran with it. I do have the first three chapters ready and I'm starting the fourth, I hope I find a plot at some point, we'll see how this one does and go from there. Also, this was a reader version of a story I had on wattpad with an OC so I had to rewrite it accordingly so if there are any mistakes that's why, feel free to point them out so I can fix them thanks.

Masterlist

You enter the kitchen of the Avengers tower and saw two people sitting at the counter, immediately recognizing the one closer to the door.

"Stevie!" you practically yell, running towards the blonde man who stands up and opens his arms in time for you to jump on him, hugging him tightly while he raises you in the air and spins a little.

"Good morning, koala bear." he says while chuckling lightly.

"When did you come back?" you ask excitedly after a few minutes of hugging, not letting go just yet.

"Last night." he answered "Nat said you had just gone to sleep, I didn't wanna wake you."

"Steve, what's happening? Is she hurting you?" a voice you've never heard says.

You let go just enough for him to be able to put you back on the ground without letting go of you.

"It's okay, Buck, it's just a hug." he say to the other man as you turn a little to look at him better. He has a confused look on his face, at which Steve adds "It's just a way to express affection, it's fine."

At this you're a little confused yourself so you look at Steve who gives you a look that tells you not to question him, so you don't.

Instead you let go of Steve, turning completely towards his friend and stepping a little closer.

"Hi," you say looking at him and introducing yourself.

He doesn't look very comfortable so you don't try to shake his hand, choosing to wave a little with a smile.

He answers with a quiet "Bucky." while looking at the ground, like he's quite sure if he's even allowed to answer.

You tilt your head to the side, considering him for a second before saying "Do you want a hug, too? I promise I won't hurt you." you add quickly after he raises his head a little and you notice a slightly worried look on his face.

He thinks about it before just shrugging and nodding his head slightly.

"Okay. Do you... want to get up?" you hesitantly ask and he raises his head a little more, still not looking at your face but slowly getting up from his chair.

You glance at Steve who seems very interested in what's happening and is watching intently without making a sound. Your eyes meet for a few seconds and he raises an eyebrow and motions slightly towards his friend as if to tell you to keep going. You nod and get closer to Bucky until you're right in front of him.

You watch him for a couple of seconds and when his head stays lowered you decide to take the lead and move to put your arms around his neck, slowly so as not to startle him.

After several seconds of you gently hugging him while he stands with his arms to his sides, you're about to pull away when you feel him slowly move his arms to your lower back and keep them there lightly, being very careful like he was afraid of hurting you.

You smile a little into his shoulder and wait a couple of minutes before pulling away.

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" you tease, your hands still on his shoulders.

He gives you a little smile and finally looks you in the eyes for the first time and, as soon as his eyes meet yours, you're transfixed by how blue they are.

You're not sure how long you two stay looking into each other's eyes, but you're brought back to reality by Bucky's voice.

"Are you okay?" he asks, seeming genuinely concerned.

"Yes? Um... if you ever want another hug I'm always up for it... I love giving hugs." you say smiling and taking your hands off his shoulders as he drops his arms to his sides again.

He drops his gaze to the ground again, while your eyes stay on his face and you see a small smile and a slight nod.

After a few more seconds of looking at him you turn around and start walking towards the fridge, passing Steve and noticing a weird smirk on his face.

"What?" you ask him with a confused look but still smiling.

"Nothing..." he says, still smirking.

"Okay, weirdo." you say back laughing a little.

"Okay, weirdo. Breakfast?" he asked.

"No, I'll just drink some water." you say casually, avoiding his eyes.

"Y/N..." he says warningly.

"It's fine, Stevie, I'm just not hungry." you say, still not looking at him and grabbing a water bottle from the fridge.

As soon as you turn around you're met with the slightly disappointed face of Steve and the confused face of Bucky.

"Besides I don't have to train until this afternoon..." Steve's worry doesn't fade, so you add "I'll eat something later, I swear." you don't know if he's convinced, but his face softens and he lets it go.

"How about you fill me in about what happened while I was gone?" he says, changing the subject with a sympathetic smile.

"Sure, I'll just take a shower first, is that okay?" He nods and you run to your room to take a quick shower.

After you come out you put on some sweatpants and a sports bra just to not have to change until after training.

You grab a hairbrush and run back downstairs where you find Steve waiting for you alone while sitting at the table.

"Hi koala, that was a quick shower." he says with a smile when he sees you.

You lean with your back to the counter in front of the table he's sitting at and start brushing your still damp hair.

"Yep, you know me it's either 5 minutes or 50." you say smiling while he chuckles. "Where'd your friend go?" you ask casually while concentrating on brushing away a knot in your hair.

"He went to take a shower. Last night he was so tired he practically passed out in the guest room."

You humm a response before asking "So, is he gonna live here now? You know, be a part of the team and all? Tony refused to share any details with me..." you add with disappointment, which you're sure he notices because of his answer.

"Tony's still not 100% okay with it, but he's getting there. You know how he is, he doesn't talk about things until he's finished processing them... anyway yes, he'll live here and eventually be part of the team, I hope."

You look up and think about his words before nodding and waiting for him to speak again, but when he doesn't you try to sound as casual as you can while asking questions about his friend. "Why did you have to tell him what a hug is?"

He doesn't look you in the eye and you know he's getting uncomfortable so you don't really expect him to answer. But he does nonetheless

"Buck's not really been himself for the last 70 years... he hasn't been shown a lot of kindness or humanity. That's why I was surprised that he let you hug him so fast. Don't get me wrong I'm happy about it, it's real progress I just wasn't expecting it so soon..." You let him talk without interrupting, pretending to be more concentrated on your hair than his word so as to not make him even more uncomfortable.

You know stories about Bucky in the 40s from Steve and you have seen photos of him, only in black and white, but it was nothing compared to having him in front of you. Something about him just made you want to know more, like you were drawn to him.

You guess Steve picked up on this because, after a little pause, he adds "Look, I know you want to know more, but it's not my story to tell. If and when he's ready, it's up to him who he wants to tell." damn him for knowing you so well.

Of course you understand what he was saying and you know he's right, so you nod and say "You're right... I won't push it, I promise." before he has time to reply though Bucky enters the kitchen with different clothes and wet hair.

To not let him know you were just talking about him Steve quickly says "So, tell me, what have I missed around here?"

You thought about it for a moment as you watch Bucky make his way through the kitchen and sit at the table next to Steve.

"Um, well, Tony made a new addition to the team. It was very abrupt and it's weird that he's so young, but he's a nice kid. His name is Peter, he's 15 from Queens and apparently he's this Spider-man that's been all over youtube. What?"

As you talked you could see a bit of guilt on Steve's face. "We've met him... didn't know he was a kid though..."

"Well, what happened?" you ask, getting more and more frustrated that no one will tell you anything.

You're part of the team after all, and, even though you don't have powers or are a super soldier, you think you have a right to know why everyone suddenly disappeared one day on some mission that you weren’t allowed to know anything about, and why it took half of the team a couple more weeks than the others to come back.

It's not that it was uncommon for you not to know details of a mission you weren't assigned to, but, since Fury chose you from the SHIELD agents to join the Avengers several years ago, it's never happened that a mission required the WHOLE team except one single person.

What pissed you off even more it's that you're not the youngest in the team, nor are you the newest or the least trained.

You started as a SHIELD agent right before Natasha, granted you were a teenager, but both of you trained a lot together with Clint and you fought alongside the other Avengers in the battle of New York.

You also fought together against Ultron, where you united forces with the Maximoff twins, Wanda and Pietro, (the latter had to spend a lot of time in the medbay after, having almost died) and then also Vision, which is still a little weird since you still have Jarvis controlling the tower.

In all of this time you developed family-like bonds with the whole team.

You honestly consider Tony a father figure, him and Pepper treat you like a daughter and you love them for it. Rhodey, Happy and Bruce are like uncles.

Natasha is like a big sister and Wanda is like a younger one. Clint, Thor and even Loki (since he's been made to spend his exile with you as punishment for New York) have been like big brothers to you, Vision and Pietro are kind of like younger brothers, and now even Peter the last few months.

Scott is another new face that's quickly becoming a chaotic best friend. Sam is like a best friend that still shamelessly flirts with you, after years, obviously knowing nothing is going to happen.

And Steve is your absolute best friend, your favorite brother. He's overprotective (to be fair they all are when it comes to you) and caring, can't really say no to you, spoils you a little and you love every minute of it.

They are your family, and having them keep what feels like a very serious and important situation from you, and only you, not only makes you extremely angry, but it's also very sad to think they don't trust you enough.

Or at least that's what it feels like even though they keep telling you that's absolutely not the case.

You can see how uncomfortable Bucky is getting, while Steve is looking more and more guilty by the second, but neither is saying anything, so you just give up.

"Fine," you say, a little disappointed. "Don't tell me. I guess I'll have to wait on Tony to know."

You don't wait for them to answer as you bring your attention to Bucky.

"Can I?" you ask him while pointing to his hair with the brush that you just finished using on yourself.

He gives just you a confused look, so you explain. "Your hair is pretty long, it would be better if you brushed it before it dries otherwise it hurts like hell to do it later."

He looks at Steve with an uncertain expression, and, when the blonde just shrugs in response, Bucky looks back at you and nods.

You go around the table and position yourself behind Bucky. "I'll be as gentle as I can, but I'm sorry if I hurt you. If you want me to stop, just say so, okay?"

He nods again and you start to slowly and carefully brush his hair while telling Steve all the things you did with the others while he was gone.

The mysterious mission happened about 3 months ago, half of the team came back after a day, the others a couple of weeks later, while Steve and Bucky were the only ones to come back just now.

You tell Steve how you bonded with Peter over being "Tony's children", how Scott became something of a girlfriend and the time you spent with him and his daughter, Cassie, who was just adorable.

You tell him about the weird best friend-like friendship that Peter and Loki developed, much to Tony's annoyance, but that you find very cute and funny.

You tell him about all the pranks that you pulled with anyone and against everyone, specially with Sam, Scott and Loki and against Happy, Clint and Thor.

Steve knows everyone in the team is very quick to forgive you, he always jokes about how you have everyone wrapped around your finger, especially Tony.

And you have to admit, he's not totally wrong. Nobody really stays mad at you for more than a couple of days, and sometimes you're definitely treated like the kid of the family. The golden child.

Even Fury has a soft spot for you, which is very rare, to the point that you're the only one allowed to call him Nick.

You also tell Steve of all the "family time" he missed, which is essentially a whole lot of movie nights, game nights and things like that.

You tell him all the jokes you can remember being said, all the funny moments, all the missions and all the times when you missed him like crazy.

By the time you're done telling him everything you could remember, he's crying laughing and you're almost done with Bucky's hair.

"Are you okay? Am I hurting you?" you ask Bucky, as Steve tries to compose himself, still laughing at the prank you and Sam pulled on Clint where you turned his whole room into a giant bird's nest.

Bucky shakes his head and says a quiet "I'm okay" that you're sure Steve doesn't even hear over his own laughter.

You gently finish brushing his hair, then sit in the chair next to him leaning in and gently turning his head towards you so you can check you did a complete job.

At this point his hair is dry and falling down both sides of his face. You push his hair behind his ears to see his face better and smile, his eyes scanning your face.

Neither of you take notice that Steve has stopped laughing and is watching you with the same smirk he had after you hugged as you're both too intent in taking in each other's appearances.

"Is that better?" you ask after a few minutes of silence.

"What?" he ask, a little confused, which makes you giggle.

"Your hair. Is that better?" you ask again.

"Oh. Yeah, thank you." he says blushing, his voice still very quiet.

"You're adorable." you said with another giggle that makes Steve laugh too, while Bucky blushes even more.

You smile at him again before getting up, giving Steve a kiss on the side of the head while you pass him and going towards the door. "I'll see you guys at lunch. I'm supposed to meet Scott and Cassie in 10 minutes. Bye, Stevie."

"Bye, koala bear." Steve answers.

"Bye, Bucky."

"Bye." he says, still kind of quiet but loud enough for you to hear.

You turn around and give him one last smile before going through the living room to the elevator and to the floor that Scott's now living in and where Cassie spent the night.

part 2

[halucynator]

YOU COULD'VE DIED!

So I had this request and I totally forgot about it and I'm so so so so so so so sorry lol

Pairing: Theodore Nott x fem!reader

Warnings: mentions of weight, anxiety attacks, eating disorder, reader has adhd, not proof read and my writing lol

Request: So the reader a long time ago like when she was eighth/9ish used to be on the bigger side before her adhd meds and then got really skinny and stuff and timeskip to sixth year her meds don’t really work aswelll so she starts getting an appetite that was usually suppressed and she quit quidditch last year because of stress and her biggest fear is secretly getting fat again and she starts to have so much anxiety about it

WARNING: I am in no way shaming any one in this text. You are beautiful the way you are. I'm just adhering to the request. I do not agree with anything horrible about weight or anything else you can think of that is in this text.

I'm also really really sorry if you go through eating disorders or something similar to what's mentioned in this text x stay strong xx you're not alone 💕

Most people have nightmares about psycho killers in white masks with a knife who are really crazily into fictional movies they try to make it reality. Most people have nightmares about falling from really high cliffs with jagged edges that could rip you in half quicker than the speed of the platform 9¾'s train. Most people have nightmares about burning in fires that could kill you probably faster than the Dursleys burnt Harry's hogwarts letters.

But not you. You had nightmares about gaining weight. About being the girl that you were when you were nine. You hated your ADHD but oh those adhd meds really helped you to stop being the obese person you were. You were disgusted by your younger self even though you shouldn't have been.

You sat in the Great Hall processing your nightmare. You knew you had a normal weight, probably even lower than healthy. And yet you looked around at all those pretty girls with effortless hourglass bodies and wished you could look like them. You knew you had a normal weight and yet your dreams, or perhaps nightmares, kept on taunting you about it.

Those thoughts clouded your mind. Filled your head. Over and over. And over. Until you felt like starving yourself. And you'd do that until you fainted and realised it's really unhealthy. But then it'd be too late and this vicious cycle continued until you felt like you couldn't do it anymore. Until you were sick of being yourself. Until you wished you were anyone but yourself. Until y-

"Hey y/n!" Theo greeted you as he entered the Great Hall. He was the first one there. After you of course. He grabbed a vanilla cupcake with strawberry icing and sprinkles for himself and a chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing for you.

"here I got you a chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing. Your favourite." Theo smiled as he passed it on to you.

Even though your heart wanted to accept it, your brain knew better.

"no I'm fine, really! Thanks so much though! I'm full" you replied. as if to reprimand you, your stomach rumbled.

"your stomach disagrees" he chuckled. "go on have it it's fine it's just a cupcake"

You knew he was trying to be a good friend. You knew he was looking out for you at yet it was so hard for you to suppress the urge to scream "just a cupcake? JUST A CUPCAKE?! well, I'll have you know that cupcake contains sugar and butter which stores in your body as fat so you wouldn't even suggest it unless you hated me" you obviously didn't say it out loud. You knew you were overreacting in your head.

"erm no thanks." You politely turned the offer of the cupcake down.

"Ya sure?" He asked one last time.

"yup." You replied.

"alright suit yourself" Blaise said as he leaned across the table to get the cupcake from your side.

You didn't have dinner that night and the couple of nights after either. You knew you should've. But you were so insecure about your weight you just couldn't. So you didn't. And you should've. You really should've.

Unfortunately for you, you realised that too late.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡*:☆

You woke up on a white bed. Where were you? You glanced around. There was no way. You were in a hospital bed. After Theo explained it to you, you realised what had happened. On your way to the dorm you had fainted due to the lack of food. You had no energy left in your body and it finally gave out. Theo had realised you had fainted and had carried you to the Madam Pomfrey's. He looked strangely cross at you.

"T-thanks" you replied to him.

"for what?" He said. "I couldn't save you."

"you kinda did" you said smiling at him.

He pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to you. It was a cookie.

Before you could say no, he cut you off.

"you are eating this cookie right now or I will never forgive myself for letting you starve yourself."

You reluctantly grabbed the cookie.

"you didn't make me starve myself. I did it to myself. It's not your fault." You replied as you broke a piece off the cookie.

"but why?" He asked.

"sorry?"

"why did you starve yourself"

"erm i well i had a nightmare I was gaining weight and I thought I was I had gained half a kilogram since last year and I just thought I'd look ugly and I just didn't want to not be liked by anyone!" there it was. The word vomit. The bundle of feelings inside of you all out to the one person you thought would be disgusted by you if you ever gained weight. The one person you loved.

"Woah! Slow down. No matter how many kilograms you put in you'll never be fat or ugly! I can't believe you let a nightmare lead you on! You can't have an unhealthy relationship with food!" He exclaimed.

"you're just saying that."

"I'm not just saying that. I mean it y/n. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I fell in love with you and a couple kilograms isn't gonna change that." He replied.

"Aw- wait you what?!" You asked realising what he just said.

"I thought it was obvious? I love you y/n. I always have" Theo said. "but I'm still cross at you for not eating food."

"ok ok I'm sorry." You replied.

"YOU COULD'VE DIED!" Pansy exclaimed bursting into the room.

"Jesus Christ Pansy! You almost gave me a heart attack!" You said shocked at her entrance.

But you knew her words were right. And so were Theo's. From that moment you tried to prevent yourself from starving yourself and with the support of Theo and all your friends it was that much more easy.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡*:☆

A/n: the ending kinda sucks lol sorry for the lateness of this x hope you liked it!!

Taglist: @m3ntallyunstable34 lmk if you want to be added to my taglist (through asks or you can message me x I'll always respond ❤️)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my mother not to do certain things?

Let me start off by saying i'm homeschooled. I've been homeschooled my entire life. I don't have any friends offline, so I've pretty much come here to ask for outside opinions from my friend groups (online).

Prefer not to state ages, if that's okay. It makes me uncomfortable.

I have ocd, suspected autism, and either auditory processing disorder or misophonia (we're not sure which.) as well as a plethora of other issues. my mother is very aware that i have ocd (she has it herself) and i've mentioned misophonia to her several times. she doesn't know about my other mental issues, as for reasons you're probably going to see here, as i don't feel comfortable or safe telling her. (or, i've tried, and she doesn't listen, or tells me i'm "being dramatic.")

my ocd is quite crippling, to the point i've tried medication, herbal tea (chamomile seems to work a bit!), asking friends for advice, and even asking her for advice. as of the last year, it's had a grip on my life and has been quite a problem for me. i'm unable to do things i want or need to a lot, and especially struggle doing most things, even basic tasks. i'm unable to see a therapist/counsellor or psychologist/psychiatrist for personal/financial reasons.

a lot of my triggers (well, not exactly triggers for the ocd, but they stop me from doing things.) revolve around sound, especially people talking. whistling is a major trigger for my misophonia/apd, as are other high pitched noises.

my mother has a tendency to watch tv a lot, and i often ask her to not do this when i'm trying to do certain things, as it makes my ocd a bit worse, and it's often rather loud. (please note i wear headphones a lot of the time for sensory issues.)

however, when i ask her either to turn it down, pause it temporarily, or ask her to turn it off for a bit, she has a tendency to get mad/upset. to the point of throwing a bit of a fit over it, in a way that to me seems a bit attention seeking (in the bad way). she says things like "fine, whatever." and flaps her arms about dramatically or slaps her legs, or she says "i don't even wanna watch it now, it's ruined."

i'll go ahead and say she's a bit self-centered in a lot of ways. for years she has said i've "targeted" her and "treated her terribly" even though any time i was (to her) doing these things, i was usually defending myself or telling her to do something that she needed to do that had been requested for days/weeks/months/sometimes years. i also have a tendency to ask her what she's doing, either out of genuine curiosity, or because she has done something strange to me that i didn't understand. which she gets mad over.

she also gets mad if i ask if she's coming over here (i have a tendency to walk/pace in certain areas to music, it helps with stress/adhd/also helps me write/act things out. she is very aware of this and this isn't really a problem.) or ask how long she will be over here. she seems to think me asking this is telling her she can't come over, or desperately trying to get her to move. admittedly sometimes i DO want her to move, but 90% of the time i am just asking so i know if i need to move to a different area to walk or just stop temporarily.

sometimes when i am having a particular peak in my ocd/anxiety/whatever else, i ask her not to talk for a moment/few minutes, either so i can do something i need to, or because i'm afraid it will make it worse. she'll either get mad about this, or go on a tangent about "not catering to me" and saying things "the real world doesn't work like this, and nobody cares that you have ocd/issues." she has a tendency to take my issues as a personal attack on her, when in reality i would ask anyone to stop for a moment.

she has a tendency to belittle me in a sense for it. i've tried to explain some of it to her (without revealing details of my trauma she doesn't know about, as most of my ocd is linked to severe ptsd.) and she says it "doesn't make any sense" and i "need to stop" and i "need to just make myself stop." she has ocd, and knows compulsions are not always rational, and yet still says these things.

part of my desire not to go to a therapist is because of her. she claims they will either try to put me away take me to another home/put me in foster care, or drug me up on medication that will make me dull. (the other part is more personal, and unrelated to her, but to my aforementioned trauma.)

one of the things i especially ask her not to do is whistle, or make a few other certain noises (eating loud, using nail files around me, etc) because they are especially triggering to me. she'll either blatantly refuse and say i "don't get to tell her what to do" or i don't "control her" (please note i am just asking, but when i DO specifically tell her to stop, it is because she either already knows this sound is triggering to me, or i've already asked, and i'm losing my patience.) or she'll do it louder/more just to trigger me further (my father also does this. sometimes as a joke which in some ways is worse.) or she'll go on the "not catering + nobody cares" tangent again.

i know my ocd and other issues can be a bit interrupting, but i don't ask huge things of her or anyone else. all i ask is for them to not make certain sounds around me, temporarily ask them to not do something/stop doing something, or ask them to do it a bit quieter for me. please note she has the ability to watch tv/videos on other devices with headphones easily, she just chooses not to. and worse of all, they treat it like it's not interrupting to me, when it affects my everyday life in ways far worse than asking/telling them not to do something.

it makes me feel unwanted and unappreciated, and i'll admit, i've contemplated....not existing, if you will, many times over this issue and others.

i just don't really know if i'm asking too much, or if they're just being shitty. i want outside opinions on this.

so, AITA?

(id put a tl;dr in here, but i don't really know what to put. feel free to do it for me. also, i know this was kinda long, but i needed to put some extra things in, sorry if thats like an inconvenience or anything!)

(adding my sideblog here so i can get notifs, @ocdaitathrowaway)

What are these acronyms?

[schizotypalpd-culture-is]

my friend says they think i am severely schizotypal like i show the symptoms quite excessively but honestly i am afraid of self diagnosing online in the case that i am wrong. i do have alot of the symptoms tho..

i get pretty strange magical thinking at times like, i feel like the right side of things when last touched gives good luck. or that there is someone in my peripheral vision at all times or that my peripheral vision can see into another dimension and thats why i see faces there and not directly. sometimes i feel like objects have observers / spirits of the passed on beings or above beings, possibly close to the concept of machine elves. i get paranoid aloooot that things are revolving around me alot of the time i constantly have to remind myself that its probably not like that but it feels extremely real alot of the time where i feel like, im in a "truman show" situation and everyone around me is actors messing with me. i felt like my dreams are a connection with the second life, where i am projecting my soul into the afterlife and interacting with it before returning to this world. lots of paranoia that friends or family are planning on killing me and coaxing me / tricking me so they can get me into a vulnerable position.

idk i really hope it is ok for me to talk abt this stuff i guess i am just wondering if other people also have similar symptoms or if it seems schizotypal at all? i am wondering what other people's magical thinking is like and if it is at all similar.

i can't say what you do or don't have, but you definitely at least have symptoms of schizotypal or another schizophrenia spectrum disorder. what you said in the ask does seem like magical thinking ideas of reference and paranoia, which are pretty big things in stpd. with the self diagnosing thing, in my opinion at least i think its fine to say you have something AS LONG AS you've done heavy research on said disorder and other disorders that are similar. if you're feeling bad about it even then, you could just specify "stpd traits" or "possible stpd" or just talk about it to a close few

[walmart-sekai]

Guess who just finished First Star After the Rain? 👀

(I did, it was me.)

Final thoughts:

Have I mentioned before that I’m chronically ill? Have I mentioned I have a tendency to push myself too hard because I’m afraid of missing out during the few times I do feel well enough to get out and do stuff?

Most importantly,

Have I mentioned I love Saki Tenma?

We as a society tend to view illness as this very temporary thing. We think someone gets sick and then after a while, they either get better or (bummer alert) they die.

But here’s the thing: Not all of us get better. Some of us keep on living and we’re never really healthy.

I spend a lot of time in bed, in pain, or both, and you know what? It sucks. It’s a tough way to live. But I still try to enjoy my life as much as I can, because even if my bones hurt I can still watch cool movies and talk to my friends and watch the sunset.

You can be disabled and still be happy. You can be disabled and still have a fulfilling life. It’s tough sometimes, but you can do it.

And bless her heart, Saki’s trying her best to do it.

Even when she’s in the hospital, lonely, anxious, and afraid, she doesn’t let herself sink all the way into depression. She looks up at the stars, and she writes letters to her friends, and she tries to be as happy as she can be. And as a chronically ill person, it’s really nice to see other people like me living and thriving as much as they can, which is why I love seeing Saki deal with the long term effects of her health issues.

It’s also why I wish they’d jUST—

LET SAKI BE SICK

I said this in an earlier post but PJSK has this weird aversion to writing Saki as actually chronically ill. They’ll give her lines like “I’m not ill anymore” or “the doctor said I’m fine,” but then they have her pass out with a fever because she’s overworked herself.

And when that happens, they say she worked so hard she CAUGHT A COLD. Y’all, that’s not how colds work.

You know what does work like that? Chronic illness flare ups. You work yourself too hard, and stress yourself out too much, and it triggers your symptoms, and you flare up.

If they said Saki had an autoimmune disorder, or was immunocompromised, or SOMETHING, her symptoms would make a lot more sense. It would also make her internal conflict more impactful, because that whole “making up for lost time” motivation of hers would be emphasized by the fear that she’ll get sick again, and that this may be the only time she has to be healthy before she’s stuck in a hospital bed for another couple years.

I’m just saying if the writers were 1. Less vague about what symptoms Saki had/has and 2. Didn’t try to make it seem like she was magically better after years of debilitating hospitalizing illness, Saki’s development would be even better and even more realistic than it is now. And it’s already pretty great, and, as a chronically ill person myself, it feels pretty realistic! But it could be better if we just let Saki be disabled.

(To be fair, this could also be a translation thing. Maybe in the original Japanese they’re more explicit about what’s wrong with Saki. Maybe not. I’m just going off what I have access to.)

Conclusion:

Overall, despite my gripes, I loved this story. People promised me Leo/Need would get better with the event stories and by god they were right. I felt 100 times more invested in this than I did the main story. I was able to get a deeper look into all the characters, not just Saki. Shiho in particular had some lovely characterization in this story.

And, best of all, Leo/Need continues to stick the landing. Just like the main story, the final episode of this event story was succinct, it was touching, and it re-emphasized all the important beats from the previous episodes. It wrapped things up nicely, but still left me eager to read the next story. Magnifique as always, PJSK.

[imqueerandadeer]

Okay it's time again for rants and personal stories no one fucking asked for. Todays topic: How fucking rampant and normalized ableism is, with comments from @pansgoobernonsense as usual.

Really long post ahead guys you've been warned.

The reason it has been featured in the last post and now this one is because it's also ND and Asian and I wanted to get other peoples experiences with ableism.

It also said that I can interview it for practice because journalism sounds cool to me and I might want to be a journalist.

Anyways obligatory disclaimer/reminder. I don't speak for all mentally disabled people because we are not a monolith!! For example I am great at masking my ADHD and Autism (I'll get into that with more context later) and it's somthing I've picked up subconsciously. Other people with my same conditions may not be good at masking.

Also this post will mostly center around mental disabilities, specifically ADHD and autism because thats what we have and know most about. Neither me nor my friend are physically disabled (to my knowledge) so I won't speak much on it because It's not my place.

Alright with that out of the way lets add some context.

Hi, if you don't know me or haven't seen my blog before (most of you probably have though in some shape or form) I'm Ollie or Cupid. I have ADHD, self diagnosed (and peer diagnosed) autism, and possible dyscalculia. Theres also a millon other things I'm suspicious about having but I won't get into those.

Lets start with this, imagine (or don't idc) that your back in *gasp* middle school. Terrifying. Now since this is tumblr I'm gonna assume most of you have autism and/or ADHD so y'all most likely know what it's like to be in middle school and be ND. But still I wanted to talk about my experiences with ableism in school.

Okay I've noticed that the difference of how I get treated because I mask and those that can't mask for whatever reason is wildly different. I have instructional support which is technically special ed and no one has ever called me "Sped" or the R-slur. Versus the the kids who visibly have support needs and their disabilities are present. They get called those things all the fucking time.

The hypocrisy of it all is what really gets me. Kids at my school will really stand there and call these other kids dehumanizing things while I stand there as a person with ADHD and autism having to akwardly laugh it off and pretend it doesn't effect me. Yes of course I tell them off but it doesn't work, because they have been taught that what they're saying is fine and people who have higher support needs are not human, which is wrong and ablesist.

Thats not even their fault really it's what they were taught. Although if they weren't taught it and they know It's wrong but still do it then it's their fault

It genuinely got so bad that me and my friends wrote a letter to the office telling them about the ablesist language at our school, I don't think the letters ever got sent but yeah it was that bad.

On another note I don't think my schools very wheelchair accessible at all, although I wouldn't know really because I don't use a wheelchair.

Now heres @pansgoobernonsense experiences woth ableism as a whole, while mine were mostly about school its are more personal

"My personal experiences with ableism are mostly from my parents, and since I have not one but two neurodevelopmental disorders I’ve experienced it a lot. The most notable of these experiences come from my parents reaction to my autism.

A notable example was the time I was crying because I didn’t want to go to a party (I had had a panic attack at another similar party at the same place with similar people) and my dad had said I didn’t need to go but my mom made me.

I tried to explain (through tears) that I didn’t want to go and my dad angrily called me “autistic”. I’ve also been told to just “act normal” in social situations (despite the textbook definition of autism being essentially “I can’t act normal in social situations”). My parents have also neglected to tell me about my diagnosis for basically my entire life.

I was diagnosed when I was 2-3 and only found out this year. The reason behind this decision was “if I knew I’d tell everyone and use it as a get out of jail free card”.

They seem to treat my diagnosis as a label rather than an actual disability. It makes sense, since historically mental disabilities haven’t been treated the same as physical disabilities, but it’s still an awful experience."

While my experiences with things like this haven't been as severe as Nicks experiences I do have some of my own.

One time I was talking to my mother and she said that they suspected I had ADHD but didn't get me tested until I was 12 because she didn't want me on meds that early, which yes is a semi fair point but still why would you keep your suspicions a secret until I startes to notice and suspect it myself. That seems so weird to me and it could have saved me a lot if trouble if she had just told me.

Anyways thats it, sorry if it's not cohesive or coherent it's 1:00 am for me, I need to sleep

[peachdoxie]

I don't think I ever really processed the trauma I went through in OCD treatment and reblogging that comic about OCD the other day really triggered me and arghhhhhhh I don't know what to do about it. Thoughts I guess.

The main thing is like, any time I would express doubts that I actually have OCD, my therapist (who specialized in OCD) would tell me that doubting that I have OCD is actually a very common symptom of OCD, and it felt like he refused to actually listen to my doubts when I was like "my avoidance happens because there's some block in my brain that I can't get past and it's not rooted in anxiety."

Like, because he thought I had OCD that meant that any thought or behavior I expressed automatically was because of OCD and not like, adhd, autism, fibromyalgia, sensory processing disorder, etc. It felt like my only options were to agree with him (which I didn't want to do because I don't!) or continue arguing and therefore just confirm what he already thought.

And like honestly it made me almost question my sense of reality when I was like "I'm avoiding this thing because I'm worried the physical exertion will trigger an asthma attack or tachycardia event or fibromyalgia flare up or migraine" and he'd be like "but what if it doesn't and you're fine?" and I was like "I can't take that risk because of how long it takes me to recover from these health issues" then he'd say "OCD treatment is about learning that you can and have to work through discomfort and, yes, even pain" and honestly if not for the fact that I have a strong sense of self and years of experience to back this up, I might have started to doubt that my health issues were really as bad (even though they are!) as I was perceiving them.

Like one exercise I had to do was increase my anxiety (to show myself that I can handle anxiety) by hyperventilating through a coffee stirrer for a set number of seconds, and I was supposed to do it even if I was going to black out but when I said I felt like that was too risky for me because of the aforementioned health issues (the tachycardia especially) he just kept trying to convince me to do it even though I kept saying I don't think I should!

And he kept suggesting things to convince me to do tasks, like if I don't do xyz by our next appointment I have to donate ALL of my savings to a political cause I disagree with, and I was like "that just creates more anxiety for me because I genuinely do not think I can do this thing because my brain won't let me!" That was the last session I saw him because I cancelled after that.

Honestly I think the main reasons OCD therapy was so traumatic for me were 1) I constantly felt invalidated when I expressed concerns and 2) I was being misinterpreted by someone who refused to listen to me. That second one is something that actually really bothers me a lot and some of the biggest falling outs I've had with friends in high school were when they misinterpreted something I said as malicious and used it against me. But the invalidation of my concerns goes right along with it.

The thing is too the part of me that does have perseverance and anxiety—not the logical side of me, that is—still worries that maybe he was right all along and I do have OCD and all of my problems are just because I don't think I can do something so I don't, even though my logical brain can point to all of the evidence contrary to that worry.

Like yeah, I do have intrusive thoughts that cause my anxiety, but I'm pretty good at handling them. And my avoidance is based in past experience of "if I trigger one of my health issues by doing one of these specific things that have triggered them in the past, it will make the rest of my week very difficult as I struggle to recover and play catch-up." It's like, what anxiety I have is most often based in very real, very tangible worries—and even now, I'm struggling not to start spiraling about it, so I'll stop before I get there.

Tbh the only good thing to come out of those six months of hell was the conclusion that the vast majority of my problems aren't caused by anxiety and that there is something else going on, whether it's autism, adhd, fibromyalgia, or whatever. I'm not sure it outweighs the trauma, but hey I learned something I guess.

Tbh I try not to be too pissed at myself for seeking OCD treatment in the first place and basically wasting my leave of absence by making minimal progress. I decided to listen to the therapist who diagnosed me (different from the OCD treatment therapist) instead of going with my idea of seeking help from an autism/adhd therapist, because I tend to defer to authorities on things like that—though I will say, the negativity and fearmongering on Tumblr around getting autism/adhd diagnoses certainly didn't help.

I think overall it's frustrating because I will never get closure with the OCD therapist. He will always have misinterpreted me and refused to listen to me, and I'll just have to live with that.

It's also frustrating because I don't think either therapist necessarily did anything wrong, per se, since they were looking at what evidence they had from their experience in their fields, which certainly biased them—and they both admitted to me that they don't know much about autism or adhd, and I should have taken that as a yellow flag and bailed sooner—and I'm going to shut up because the spiral is starting again.

Anyway if you read all this, thanks I guess. I'm mostly just train of thought writing to get the thoughts out of my head (perseveration is a symptom of OCD but also of adhd/autism and I need to keep reminding myself that). Please don't give me advice or suggest I reach out to either therapist please. Compassion only.

Please also don't try to convince me that I do have OCD because I don't need someone encouraging my anxiety spiral.

[silvexus]

Re: Sometimes feeling species dysphoria as someone who doesn't ID as non-human - would you be willing to expand on that? It's okay if not - I don't want to pry - but I've never heard of someone having that experience before and think it might be valuable to the overall conversation.

That said the comparison to cis folks sometimes experiencing gender dysphoria makes intuitive sense to me, too.

Sure! I'll try my best to figure out how to articulate this in a way that makes sense and is also respectful (as someone who doesn't ID as non-human, I obviously do not want to appropriate experiences!) but I do fear it may not be as interesting as it sounds.

This got really long, so I'm putting in a read more, oops!

For clarification, I experience psychosis (since childhood) and have neurological disorders. I think the combination of these things is what causes what I'm about to try to describe, though I would certainly not try to say that the only thing that can cause species dysphoria is this sort of experience, nor would that would make someone's experience any less valid if they chose to ID as non-human if they were in a similar situation. Everyone is different, after all!

Primarily, this thing I equate to species dysphoria manifests as two different things that I tend to describe as non-human body language and non-organic yearning.

Non-human body language isn't as encompassing as I'd like it to be, but it's hard to articulate. My limbs don't feel right sometimes; disproportionate to each other, maybe. My spine feels wrong; too short, maybe? That could be the scoliosis causing both of these things, but it happens in my arms sometimes too. I don't know what it wants to be, however. There's ways my body wants to move to convey ideas to others than I can't emulate properly. My vocal mimicry is good, but not good enough, though I wouldn't really tell you what calls I'm supposed to make. I do trill a lot, when I can.

My teeth aren't quite sharp enough, I know that. And would a tail help? Would upright, pointy ears? A crest of feathers? I wouldn't mind a crest, I think, but then the moment passes and what I have is... acceptable. Fine. I am here, in this place, and my nerves are made of fire.

In a more permanent fashion, I bunt people to show my affection, but even when I physically can't it is a constant urge. (I nearly broke poor @/sattarehi asking if I could bunt him.) It's easier to move on all fours sometimes, or just in ways that are unintuitive to a human blueprint. To curl around people while we're sitting on the edge of a bed, them sitting up, me on my side to encircle them, in a way I don't see others doing often. The way I hold my arms sometimes feels like the resting position of something else; holding them at my sides like a person is expected to feels wrong, like it'll impede my ability to flee if I need to. (From what? Is that the paranoia? The hypervigilance? The nerves again? The various and sundry neurodivergencies?) When I'm socially allowed to cross my arms it helps, but it's not quite perfect.

Sometimes, the fact that I cannot do these things more effectively (though my brain does not grant me the knowledge of what that would look like), that I am considered eccentric and strange for doing them at all, pulls at something in me that doesn't speak in any language I have access to.

As an aside that may only slightly be relevant, my social integration is interesting. People who are friends or close associates or even people I think of fondly become extensions of us in a way that isn't so much possessive, but in the same way a tight knit family group might be among certain animals. (Which is why when people ask 'do you experience romantic love?' I can't honestly say. This is already quite intense, you want me to try and define it further?) And that's to say nothing of the prey drive. The human prey drive is intense enough, and I can certainly repress it well (I can't believe PvP games were good for something) but mine feels a little overtuned.

... So the non-organic yearning is fun to try and figure out, but it provokes the same feelings, so I'll try to articulate it just in case it helps!

It feels like I am made of something deeper. Something farther. Here, there, everywhere. I feel like I am floating adrift in a dark sea, unable to drown or sink, though surely I must. Surely I must. And yet.

It isn't an invincibility. It isn't a belief in a higher power or an afterlife. For the sake of my health, I cannot believe in these things. (We shan't talk about my childhood delusions, but they were quite elaborate! You could tell I was into world religions as study subject as a child.)

But sometimes I look into the sky and feel it staring back, like I am stuck in a Polaroid that an old friend keeps looking at to remember me. I look at pictures from all of our instruments that turn into the infinite dark beyond our planet and my brain thinks I want to go home the same way I do when I see my hometown on a map. I am not from here, something in me insists. I am from nowhere, but I am certainly not from here. Is that the intergenerational trauma? The thing that infects you and fills in where your grandparents' language and food and culture is supposed to be? The remains of what a war before you were born left behind? Or is it something else?

It feels like something else, the same way sometimes my body feels wrong in the same, but different, way that it always feels wrong. It feels like whatever I am, separate from this meat suit and these mutinous neurotransmitters, is from somewhere else. That it knows this. That it wants to go back.

Not all of my body dysmorphia is neatly gender dysphoria. Species dysphoria, as a term, helps gather these experiences up neatly, even if I don't identify as non-human. I am human. I am a strange, eccentric human, even if I feel like Something Else Wearing A Human Skin, but ultimately human regardless. Despite that, almost. Maybe, in a strange, contradictory way, I'm both. Human is what I want to be, at the end of this day. But regardless, it does help me understand things a bit more than someone who doesn't have the same experiences, I think. And maybe this will change in the future as my understanding of myself grows! I'm a whole adult, but I'm growing every day, you know?

(You know that book, Casual Rex? And they made it into a show pilot/TV movie called Anonymous Rex? And it was about dinosaurs barely surviving their extinction and pretending to be human and they wore disguises to blend in? There's a scene where a character describes another character as "she's a human pretending to be a dinosaur pretending to be a human!" Life feels like that sometimes.)

[papacopia-crucified]

Well…. I have a thing for Terzo too. So here’s a little something-something. That is just wrote for all of you. Any this gif makes me come in my pants so.

I Desire You

Papa Emeritus Terzo x chubby!Reader

Summary: You knew that he’d never look at you that way, you look at him. You were the shy girl who’s like to be in the back. But your feelings for the certain Papa makes you sad, luckily Papa has his eyes only for you.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

You became a Sister of Sin years ago, your fellow siblings loved you to the bone. The Ghouls were friendly with you also, which was rather surprising to everyone. Well some sibling were bullying you for who you are. The shy sister, who’d never break a bone, harm other human being. They called you fatty, cause you weren’t the same size as them. Your thighs and arms were more bigger and your stomach was rounder but you did not care, well not many times.

“Look here’s fatty again. You came here to eat yourself to death?” One sibling was rather rude to you always.. and you hater her for this.

“Come on girls. Let the chubby girl eat.” The other giggled and left you at the verge of tears. You sat down with a tray put on the table and started to eat.

“I’m sorry you have to go through this.” Said suddenly a low voice next to you. It’s was Dewdrop. Then all of the ghouls joined you to eat.

“It’s alright. I got used to it by now.” You sighed

“But it’s not fair to treat someone like you like this. I bet Terzo wants to hear about it.” Says Mountain

“Yeah, he doesn’t like when the siblings behave like that.” Said Cirrus

“Please no. I can handle this alone.”

“For how long?” Asked Aether and bit from the bread

“I don’t know. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah.. a rather attractive one.”

“Oh stop it Sunshine.” You blushed at her answer and she just giggled.

“She’s right. Please (y/n). If you don’t tell Terzo, then we will.”

“Ugh… fine I’ll tell him, just let me be okay?” You did not even finished your lunch, and of course you gave it to Dewdrop. He volunteered to eat yours if you don’t want it. You had an eating disorder and still have but not as intensely as it was before, it happened that you ate so little for weeks that you collapsed right on Cirrus while you two were talking. When Terzo heard about it, he managed it to sneak into the infirmary to see how you were. Of course the ghouls told him what happened.

As you said goodbye to your friends, and you wanted to just get over with the conversation about being abused by your fellow siblings and headed straight to Terzo’s office. You gently knocked on the door.

“Entra.” (Enter) You grabbed onto the door handle and gently pressed on it to open the door. “Ah Sister (y/n). Come on in.” He said when he realised that it was you who decided to see him. You stepped inside and closed the door behind you, after you approached Terzo and greeted him after he motioned you to sit down.

“Thank you for your time Papa.”

“Anytime, tell me what’s troubling you?” He clasped his fingers together and put his head onto them. His intense gaze did not left you and you were burning up already. You sat down in a chair which was in front of the desk and began.

“I don’t know how to say it. Uhmm…”

“You don’t have to be shy Sorella. Just tell me.”

“You see, the ghouls told me that if I don’t tell you this they’d do it. So here we go. Some sister treats me like I’m just a pig in the piggery, they made up funny names about me, mocking me, even hurt me.” His metes widened and you saw that he was shocked by your words.

“How is that possible Sister?”

“Well it’s not that hard to notice…” you said in a sad tone.

“Don’t think about yourself that way Sorella, You’re wonderful, maybe they’re just jealous of your beauty.”

��Oh if it was the case I’d be happy, but no. I’m just a fat pig to them nothing more.”

“And you think about yourself that way? You think that this is true?” He asked now hands were on his desk holding him up by his forearms.

“To be honest, all the time. The ghouls are almost always there to take it off my mind, but when I’m inside my room, the memories get back and I just become really sad.”

“I’m heartbroken to see you in such a state mia dolce. Don’t worry, I’ll speak to them myself.”

“Please no. No I can handle it myself. The Ghouls are just protective about me. I still don’t understand why.”

“But they make you feel loved, don’t they?” Lucky them he thought

“Yes, they do Papa. I’m very grateful that they consider me as their friend.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling good around them. But the sisters should not say such thing to you. It troubles me.”

“Why Papa?”

“I teach our sibling to be loving and be kind to each other, not rude and disrespectful.”

“I know. But they doesn’t seem to care. Now I should go now, I still have to help Papa Primo with his garden. And after I have to serve dinner.” You stood up from the chair and bowed down for him. “Thank you again for your time Papa. I really appreciate it.” He stood up and took one of your hand in his and kissed it. Leaving burning sensation behind it. Your whole body was on fire. He was so handsome, his papal paint was still on, his mismatched eyes bored into yours and it send tingling sensations all over your body.

“Thank you Sorella, you don’t look so bad either.” He winked and you knew that your mouth slipped.

“Did I said it out loud didn’t I?”

“Just a little bit.” He laughed and escorted you to the door and opened it for you.

“Thank you, you’re such a gentleman Papa.” You stepped outside and bid farewell to get to you duties once again. Primo trusted you with his garden, he even helped you take care of it. You two had some long conversations about the garden and just things that happened to the two of you. He was such a father figure to you. And of course you tell him every single detail about the sisters of sin. He was rather upset that this happened within these walls, but you reassured him that you already talked with Terzo about it. And you did not even know that he’ll have a talk with them… and it’ll make your life even harder.

The next day you were assigned to do laundry for the Papa’s. You made your was over to the two Papa’s and gathered they laundry. Primo gave you a little rose and you poked it into your hair, behind you ear. Secondo already gathered what needed to be washed and you thanked him. But when you reached the youngest Emeritus brother’s chamber, you were hesitating. What if he’s still there? He liked to sleep in, which Sister Imperator did not like very much. You knocked on his door and there was no answer.

“Phew..”

You opened the door and quickly got inside, his room was beautiful, the purple with the black and the gold really highlighted his personality too. These were your favourite colours too. They reminded you of him, at this all that mattered. You saw some clothes were scattered over the floor and you decided to gather them when you done it the bathroom door suddenly opened and there he stood. His papal paint was fresh on his face, only a towel was wrapped around his waist. He had a little tummy which you adored. Your mouth made a squeaky sound and buried your face in his clothes, which also smelled so nice. Like him.

“Like what you see Sorella?”

“I’m sorry. I am here for your laundry. I knocked you did not answer so I thought you already left to work and I….. shit ummm..” you felt you gave heat up as you moved your head up to look at him. His body leaned to the doorframe, hands crossed in front of his chest. His ‘V’ line showed, little happy trail lost in the protection of his towel.

“I see. Sorry for working you up Mia dolce.”

“You did not… worked me up. I mean you’re really attractive.”

“Oh so you’re not desire me then? Good to know.” He shrugged his shoulders and grabbed his towel and tossed it into your arms. Cock hanging between his delicious legs. It was hard not to look. “Don’t forget to wash this too Sister.” He then excused himself and went back into the bathroom. Oh how you wanted to bite into his butt so bad. You liked your cake…hmmm very much so. His nakedness burned into your mind entirely. And you ran out, until you reached the laundry.

“What’s up with you? Have you seen a ghost?” Asked Cirrus who was washing her clothes in one of the washing machines.

“I… I just saw a very naked Terzo… I think I’m gonna faint.” You babbled and sat down to calm down your heart.

“How?”

“I went to gather his laundry. I knocked on his door but he did not answer, I thought that he was already at work. To my surprise he was not! He was standing there in only a fucking towel on, looking like he would eat me up. And after he grabber it and tossed it at me and it was hard not to look but you know me I looked anyway. So basically that’s what happened.”

“Was it better than an orgasm?” She laughed and sat down next to you.

“Stooop. I’m already embarrassed, I even know I looked like a fucking beetroot.”

“And now you have something to think about, and as I mean now I mean always.”

“I think it just burned into my skull.”

“I think you should go get him.”

“Me?? What? You think that he’d touch me?”

“Absolutely, why you think otherwise?”

“It’s just… well if someone say something about you all the time you tend to believe it.” You shrugged your shoulders and popped the Papa’s clothes into one of the washing machines.

“It’s sad that they treat you like this. By the way, did you talked with him?”

“Yes I told him how the siblings were treating me. He did not like it one bit. He said that he’d take care of it himself.”

“And you said to him that you can handle it like a big girl you are.” Cirrus was not surprised.

“You know me too well.”

“Well… well… well. Who’s here? Did you sucked Papa’s sick to make you worthy of his time?” Oh boy it started again.

“Stop it, he’d never be aroused by…. Her.” That ducking pause was the last straw.

“I don’t fucking care what you say anymore. I’m not a whore like you and your best friends. I’m tired of your shit!” You practically shouted now and you did not know that Terzo heard the conversation between you and the shameless sisters. He was furious, how they treated you even after he talked with them about this. He’ll not tolerate this anymore so he approached you from behind, the sisters became silent and you did not know why. When you turned around you saw Terzo, looking straight at the sisters, with such intense gaze.

“How dare you treat your sister like that? Did I not tell you to respect her and not make her feel worthless?”

“Papa we….” Said one of the sister but Terzo shut her up.

“I don’t care anymore. I should banish all of you from the Ministry and to never return here.” His voice was louder than before and you grabbed onto his hand, looked at him. He realised that he scared you a little and calmed himself down as he realised that you held his hand. Little smile painted his face.

“I’m sorry Sorella for scaring you. I didn’t mean it.” His head hung low in shame. The sisters already left. Cirrus was just watching in the two of you.

“It’s alright Papa. Thank you for standing up to me.”

“It’s nothing.”He touched your face with his hand, lingered it there. The tension between the two of you became so unbearable you let go of his hand and made a khm sound.

“I… I should go now. I’ll get your laundry back to your chambers Papa.” You said and tossed Primo’s clothes into the drier.

“Me too. I have some paperwork to do. Until we meet again mio amore.” He bid you goodbye and left you with Cirrus who was just staring at you.

“What?”

“He was just totally enamoured by you. I swear if he’ll not make a move I will.” She giggled and winked at you.

“Oh shoo. I have to finish my tasks. See you at lunch?”

“Of course. Take care (y/n).” She pressed a kiss to your forehead and left you there, alone with you racing heart and your wild thoughts. Time flew by fast and you realised that you were late for supper. You basically ran through the whole ministry and suddenly someone knocked you over and fell to the ground.

“You bitch. I fucking told you that someday I’ll kill you.” It was her again. And she was furious. He kicked you in your stomach a few times and just simply left you there. You don’t even know how long you were laying there but you heard someone shout. It was Dewdrop.

“(Y/n)! What happened? Who did this to you?!” He crouched down to you and hugged you to his body, you wanted to fell asleep. You felt at peace.

“It was her again. S….she kicked me over and over again and left me here.” Tears already flew down your cheek and Dew wiped them from your cheeks.

“What hap…. Oh no. (Y/n). Shit.” It was Terzo. He kneeled down and possessively grabbed you and hugged you to his body. “Go find her!” He commanded and Dew only nodded and left. He was so concerned about what happened to you.

“I’m so sorry mio amore. I was not here.”

“It’s… not your fault, Please Papa don’t blame yourself. I’m fine.” As you wanted to sit up ha catches you and lifted you up bridal style. A little scream left your mouth and hugged him by his neck.

“Don’t worry I won’t drop you Sorella.” And he did not drop you. His legs drove him to his chambers. He somehow managed to open the door and lay you down on his bed. You hissed and it hit a little where she kicked you. He put his hand there and caressed it. Your pain slightly reduced at the sight of him. How he put a spell on you?

“Thank you for taking care of me Papa. But you didn’t have to.”

“Please just rest. And call me Terzo. No need for formalities.”

“Terzo.”

“Hmm…. Sorella. Mi piace quando dici il mio nome. (i love it when you say my name) There it is. That fucking Italian speaking. It makes you crave him even more.

“I don’t know what you said, but I agree.” You face twisted in pain as you tried to get comfortable on his bed. Which he would like to see all the time.

“It’s good that we’re on the same page. Anyway, I’ll be back, I have an important meeting to attend to. Be a good girl and stay here.”

“Yes sir, I mean Uhmm…. Yes Papa.” You embarrassed yourself even more, but on the other hand Terzo was worked up even more. He knew that you was kinky. And it make him want you more.

“Sorella when it’s only the two if us I allow you to call me Sir. Sei una brava ragazza per Papà . (You’re such a good girl for Papa.) his dominant side was already showing and how he wished to just take you here and his bed.

“Thank you, Sir.” You were now a panting mess. Pussy wet from his words, actions.

“Quando torno, ti scoperò così forte che persino dimenticato il tuo nome. (When I come back, I’ll fuck you so hard you’ll even forget your own name.)

“Papa please, I don’t understand, but….”

“But what Sorella? Do tell Papa.”

“But I swear to Satan that you said something dirty.”

“Mio dolce, you have no idea.” He winked and you bit down on you bottom lip, he leaned in and his lips almost touched yours.

“I have to go now, be good.” He sort of commanded and pressed his lips to yours in a bruising and unfortunately quick kiss and left you. You wondered if he was about to do something with the sister who beat you up.

“I’m so glad you’re alright. I got you some clothes. Since Papa said that you won’t left his chamber for a while. And he said that it had to be something purple so these are the only purple things that I found.” Approached you Cirrus and you saw what was in her hands and did not liked it.

“I’m not gonna wear these….”

“You have to. Papa ordered I’m afraid. He told me also that I can help you bath. I don’t know if you’re comfortable enough to help you (y/n).” Cirrus sat down on the bed and held your hand, squeezing it gently.

“A bath sounds nice. Please help me get out of this habit, cause I’ll be boiled alive.” She nodded and helped you to get into the bathroom. She then proceeded to help you with undressing. You were not as shy as you thought. Cirrus was calming you down. When you were fully. Asked she gathered your clothes and folded them into one and helped you into the bathtub. Bubbles were hiding your breasts and body. A pleased sigh left your lips.

“Thank you Cirrus, I think I can manage it from here.”

“Are you sure?” But Papa t…”

“I’m fine. I’m sure Papa’ll understand it.”

“Alright, but be careful. See you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.” She kissed your forehead and left you alone. You laid back and placed not of your hands onto the edge and tossed you head up, relaxing into the bath fully. You did not know how many minutes passed but you felt someone was watching you. In the door, he stood, smiling in satisfaction.

“T…Terzo. I…um.”

“I see you’re enjoying your bath.” Ha came a little bit closer to the tub and you backed away. You don’t even know why, your body moved on its own. Terzo body tensed and slowly approached the bathtub you were seated in.

“Yes I am. Thank you for your hospitality, but I think I can manage to get back to my own chambers.”

“I won’t let you do it Sorella, you need to recover a bit. So it’d be the best option if you stay with me, to check on you and your health.”

“But you don’t have to do that, I mean why you would?” His sighed and stepped into the tub with both legs, he didn’t even bothered to pull it down. “Papa!”

“I told you Sorella, you call me Terzo. Scoot over, let me sit behind you. And don’t be so shy, you have a body to die for.” His words made you warm inside, and you obeyed to his command and let him get behind you, but before that he removed his dress shirt, leaving him bare chested.

“What are you doing?”

“So many questions mia cara. Lay back!” And you just did that. His chest collided with your back, his legs were either side of you. You felt sad in his arms, even if you were naked. And your head were filled with all the dirty thoughts about what he would do to you, how hard he’d fuck you, call you names, speaking Italian to you. You swore that it was some kind of kink you had.

“I have to say Pap….. Terzo that I’m rather uneasy. I mean I’m naked and I’m really shy about my body.” You did not dare to look back at him. He sighed and wrapped his hands around you, just above you breasts and hugged you to his body. A little sound left you lips at the sudden movement and Terzo just chuckled.

“You don’t have to be shy around me mia cara. Would you let me to wash you?” Your eyes widened in shock at his request. Your heart was ready to burst out of your chest. And you were sweating.

“I don’t think that it’s a good idea.” You just wanted to get out of the tub and ran back into your room.

“Do tell me why do you think that?” He asked and moved one of his hand to your stomach and rested it there. He was every inch of your body, which made you uncomfortable. Your skin was slightly pink in color cause of the hot water you two were in. He then moved his hand down to your thigh and squeezed it, a little sound left your mouth. You knew that you were worked up and he knew it too.

“P…Terzo. Please don’t…” tears stung your eyes and wiped one tear off from your face.

“Oh Cara. Please don’t be upset. What’s wrong? Tell me, your Papa.” With his other hand he moved your head by your chin to look at him. His eyes were filled with worry.

“My….Papa?” He caressed your face and leaned onto it. His lips were almost touching.

“I’ve always been yours amore.” You bit down on your bottom lip and did not even realised that with his other hand he started to caress you all over you body.

“Spread your legs for Papa.”

“But…”

“No buts. Be a good girl and do what your Papa said.” You bit your bottom lip and slowly opened up to him and to his hand. He slowly moved it to you pussy and moved his fingers up and down. It made you hips buckle up and moan out his name, and you felt that he was getting hard under his pants.

“Terzo…”

“Pssst. Let me wash you Sorella. As I said no funny business. I just want you to feel better and don’t worry about the sisters. I took care of it.” His fingers found your clit and circled it agonising slow.

“Did you…?” He saw your uneasy state.

“Killed them? No. But they won’t bully you anymore.”

“Th…ahh.. thank you Papa.” He added more pressure to the motion and you knew that you wouldn’t last long if he’s continuing his actions. Your head rested on his chest and did not care about the sounds you made anymore, just let them out. His other hand found your left breast and squeezed it gently, while grabbed your nipple with his fingers and pulled it a little.

“That’s some lovely noises, mio amore.” He whispered into your ear and bit down on it. “I cannot control myself, you’re so delicious.” He finally kissed you. It was a bruising one and it made you feel even more horny. To be honest you were never been this worked up in a long time. His tongue licked down on your lower lip to gain access into you mouth which you gladly accepted. His fingers in the meantime found your opening and slowly slide it in.

“You’re so tight (Y/n).”

“Please Papa.”

“Beg me some more, let me hear you.” And you knew that it was your time to speak some Italian to him. You bet that he’ll be as worked up as you now.

“Per favore Papà. Fammi venire sulle tue dita.”(Please Papa. Make me come on your fingers.)

“Parli Italiano Sorella? (You speak Italian.)

“Sí Papa. I’m still learning.” He added another finger and slowly increased the speed, fucking you faster. “Please I’m so close… don’t stop..”

“I’d not dare. As a good girl you are you’re allowed to cum. Vieni per il tuo Papa. (Come for your Papa.)

“Thank you.” He was slightly surprised be your answer, his thoughts were filled with you, on your knees before him, on his bed, fucking you into the mattress, moaning your name as you moan his. You are his and only HIS. No man would dare to touch you. With his palm, he massaged your clit and that’s when you came undone, screaming his name so loud even the whole Ministry would heard it. You gripped the bathtub with both hands

“You’re quite the screamer. Without the ‘s’.” You just laughed at his dirty joke.

“And you’re quite talented, with your fingers.”

“Wait until your pussy swallow my cock, sweetheart.”

“Terzo…”

“Sorry Love, I cannot help it.”

“My tummy starts to hurt again.” You held onto your stomach again and saw the blue and green marks on it.

“I’m so sorry, I was not there to protect you. I should’ve….” You hushed him and kissed his right cheek.

“Don’t blame yourself for something that you could not stop. Please.” You pressed your lips to his and caressed his cheek with you hand.

“We should get out. The water’s getting cold.”

“Yeah. Can you please….uhmm…”

“Dimmi amore.” (Tell me love.)

“Can you get out first? I want to get dressed myself.”

“I can help you ya know.” He winked.

“Please, I…I have a little something for you…”

“Oh… Ohh.. mio amore you’re full of surprises. I’ll be there in the bedroom. And (Y/n)….”

“Yes Terzo?”

“I don’t like to wait.” He kissed you feverishly and spanked your butt. He winked at you once more and left you, closing to door after. You were a mess, the orgasm was so intense, that you were still under its spell. Legs wobbly but it did not stop you to dress into that lingerie. He’ll like it, very much. That thong was a little uncomfortable, but the though that Terzo was so excited about your little something-something. You took a look in the mirror and fixed your hair and tucked everything is place, took a deep breath and opened the door, looking out just to make sure that Terzo was indeed in the bedroom and did not changed his mind. He was on his bed, his pants were on the floor. He leaned on to the bed frame with his back legs under the cover. When he what you were wearing his mouth made an ‘O’.

“Sorella you look….”

“Disgusting.” You frowned. He said nothing, just sat to the side of the bed, legs hanging from it, hand held out to you. You took it and he yanked you until you were on your stomach on his knees. “Papa….” There was a loud noise and then a stinging sensation. Did he just spanked you?

“Don’t you ever say something about yourself that ain’t true, I’ll spank you hell even make you gag on my cock to make you realise that you’re not disgusting. You’re like an angel from hell, I’m blinded by your beauty and kindness of your heart. And you make me so horny dolcezza I just wanna fuck you right there in my bed. Make you come over and over again. Hmm…. Just the though of it makes me hard. You feel that? It’s because of you.” He slapped your butt again but this time he stroked it gently.

“Terzo..”

“Shh… I’ll punish you amore. Are you ready?”

“Yes….”

“Yes what?”

“Yes…sir.”

“Brava ragazza (Y/n)!” Then he proceeded to spank you, it stung very much. You moaned as he stroked each blow and his hard cock pulsed on your stomach. It made you wet immediately and he noticed it right away. “Look at you. A little spanking and you’re dripping like waterfall. I see your enjoying this.”

“You too Papa… your cock… it’s so hard.” You did not even know where this confidence came from.

“You made me hard. Not to talk about the fact that it craves your pussy so bad.” He spanked your butt again, and you don’t know how many more he gave you but eventually stopped and helped you up to sit down next to him.

“I hope you learned you lesson Love.” He kissed you lips lightly.

“Absolutely and I think I can’t sit on it much more.”

“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll go easy on you next time.” Your eyes widened at his answer. “Only if you want to mia dolcezza.”

“Of course I want to. To be honest when i joined the ministry I only had eyes for you. I know cheesy.”

“No it’s not ‘cheesy’. I’m glad that I caught your beautiful eyes..” you looked down and saw that he still had that painful erection. You wanted to take care of it but he grabbed you hand and held it to his mouth and kissed it. “It’s only about you now. I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to rest now. It was a lot to take in.”

“Oh Terzo..” you hugged him and pressed him closer to you. He wrapped his hand around you and buried his head into the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent.

“Ti amo, amore!”

“Il mio Terzo, ti amo.” (My Terzo, I love you.) you touched his cheek with both hands and kissed him. It was full with love and emotions. And that’s what he needed, someone to love him, appreciate him. You were the one who he always wanted.

“We should sleep now.”

“Yes tesoro. Come. I’ll hold you close.” And you followed Terzo and hug each other under the bedsheets. Your heart was pounding in your chest, he loved you. It was all you wanted to hear. You laid your head onto his chest, arm hooked over his lower belly. His hand over your shoulder hugging you close.

“Buona notte amore mio.”

“Good night Terzo. Love you.” He pressed a kiss to the crown of your hair and let sleep carry you away… and while you slept you had the best dream you’d ask for. You were pregnant with Terzo’s baby, him kissing it gently while the baby kicked inside of you. But it was cut short when you woke up Terzo was still sleeping next to you. His paint was still on, maybe you should wipe it down before it get’s smeared off. But now you had to take care of your thirst. So headed straight into the bathroom to drink. While you were there you heard some really weird noise and when you came closer to the bathroom door you realised that Terzo was moaning in his sleep. Your name. It made you wet already and you decided that it was time to fuck him properly. So you had a plan. You exited the bathroom and made your way straight to the bed. You slowly peered the sheet off of his body and the first thing you saw that he was naked.

“When did you took off your boxers? It doesn’t matter it’ll be easy for me to sink down your cock.” You gently grabbed his cock and slowly pumped it up and down. Terzo moaned but did not wake up, you discarded your panties fast and sunk down on his cock. He was so big, it stretched your walls deliciously. When he was fully inside you he grabbed onto the bedsheet with one hand but did not woke up. Your hands roamed down his body and wanted to touch every corner of it. And you decided that it was time for you to move. Your hands were still on his chest as you moved your hips up and down.

“Ahh… yes.. (Y…(Y/n). Hmm… Ohh… what a delightful sigh to wake up to.” He smirked and grabbed onto your hips to guide you on his cock again.

“Ah.. Terzo please.” Your nails dig into his flesh making it bleed a little as he moved with you, his cock reached your cervix making you hornier.

“Merda. You’re so tight. Uhh… such a perfect pussy.” His noises were deliciously sinful and you cannot wait to hear them more and more.

“Fuck.. Terzo..”

“Yes Love. Jump on it like your life depends on it. Fuck yourself on my cock.” His hands grabbed onto your remained part of lingerie and took it off of your body, leaving you naked. Your hands immediately folded in front of you, but he grabbed them and put them on his chest, buckled his hips on the process.

“Please.. I..”

“You look like a goddess. Don’t you dare hide yourself from me.” His tone was so dominant, and you liked it.

“Yes Papa.”

“Hmm… augh.. tell Papa what you want. Confess to me.” His right hand stroked up to you breast and squeezed it, twirling your nipple in his fingers.

“Forgive me Papa for I have not sinned.”

“Hmm.. do continue my child.” His other hand joined his other and grabbed onto you other breast, squeezing it roughly. You back was straight now jumping up and down his cock.

“I… I did not pleasured myself for so long Papa.. uhhh… but there’s someone who caught my eye.”

“Do tell me about him. Hmm…. Maybe I can help you.” He suddenly sat up and started to kiss your neck, nipping at your sensitive flesh.

“Ahh… he’s a higher member, no ordinary man. He’s devilishly handsome, and ahh…. I dream about him, always. But not touching myself.”

“Everyone has needs, my child. Tell me your recent dream, where did it happen?” He now sucked on your skin biting into it after making you scream out.

“It happened is his bedroom Papa. I dreamed of having his child in me.” He stopped and looked into your eyes.

“And you want that Sorella? You want him to fuck a baby in you? Cum into your pussy so you can make him progeny?”

“That’s all I want. Because I love him.” His eyes were watery like he wanted to cry because of your confession about your dream and your confession.

“Then do not waste more time love.” Terzo changed your position and laid you onto your back his cock never left you. So he started to pound into you. His body was on yours, hand in hand. You felt that your gonna cum soon.

“Terzo…I’m so close please…ahhh…” his thrusts became more and more animalistic and brutal, but you did not mind one bit.

“I’ll fill you up so good. You’ll be round for days because of my seed. I’ll come soon amore.” It made you excited that you’ll have your own kids with him. You wanted nothing more to be the woman he always wanted. But now you only focused on him and how his cock deliciously pounded into your pussy, making you moan and cry out and knew that you were close, so close to release. His features shown that he was so close too. His and your moans filled the bedroom, skin on skin sound become so loudly with every thrust of his hips. Your lips was bruised by his needy lips, he bit down on your neck drawing blood angel he lapped on it like a vampire.

“I can feel you’re close. Come for me. Come in my cock like a good girl you are!” He commanded at it was enough to make you a writhing mess and cum for him. It was so intense you even lost your ability to see a little. His name left your lips several times. And felt his cum fill up you up to the hilt. He kissed you feverishly and stroked your hair affectionately.

“I love you (Y/n), with all my heart. You’d honour me if you’d be mine and mine alone.”

“Did you just propose to me?” He laughed and kissed you.

“You’re mine, mine to love, to fuck, to fill. My Prime Mover.”

“Only yours.”

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

OC Questionnaire

Thanks to @willtheweaver here, @theeccentricraven here, @paeliae-occasionally here, here, and here, @the-golden-comet here and here, and @somethingclevermahogony here!

Hey, this is somehow still not all the tags I have for this game but I'm cutting it off at eight again!

Previous questionnaires:

Round one masterpost

Round two: Tyler, Gwen, Liam, Noelle, Akash, Robbie, Sam, Ewan

Round two: Jazlyn, Carla, Wade, Rose, Maddie, Xitlali, Jedi, Lexi

Keep reading for Ash, Kelsey, Atsila, Teo, Carmen, Issa, Raissa, and Gabriel

#1- Ash

What would it take for you to admit you were wrong?

“That's a bit hard because I really don't like admitting it. It sucks. I hate being wrong about things. [Pause] I guess it has to be pretty bad. I am usually sure I'm right about a lot of things, but this drama happened last year with Shelby, and I did admit to Lexi that I was wrong about her. But that was only after this weird thing happened with her dad. I dunno. It freaked me out.”

Are you forgetful? If so, how do you remind yourself to do things?

“Admittedly a little. But I have Lexi to remind me to do a lot of things.”

Do you consider yourself a neat freak?

“Pfft, no. Hannah is. We share a room, so that sucks to be her.”

More Ash: questionnaire one, two truths and a lie, bingo, bag, origin, OC in three, interview

#2- Kelsey

Have you ever gone against your morals? What got you to or would get you to make that decision?

“Can't think of a lot of things. [Thinks] Well, occasionally I'll have a thought I don't like. Like once, when we first arrived in Alium, I got bored and frustrated, then I realized I was super worried about Maddie and my cousins, and felt bad for being bored. I dunno, actually. I like to stick by my morals. I guess I'd put my morals after my family, but I feel like having a family value is a moral. This is stupid; forget I said anything.”

Did you have any speech disorders as a child?

“I had a bit of a lisp, which definitely didn't make me a bigger target for bullying on top of my ticking. And struggling to read.”

Do you carry the popular opinion or unpopular opinion in your society? Or would you say you are on the fence or in the middle?

“I can't really think of an unpopular opinion. I guess I don't like Cheez-Its.”

Other Kelsey: OC in three, Picrew, bingo, questionnaire one

#3- Atsila

Would you do something illegal if you were getting paid a large sum of money? (You can choose the illegal thing)

“Pfft, yeah, who wouldn't? I can choose the illegal thing? Easy: my good friend Gwandoya is a speedster. He'll help me exceed the speed limit, and then we'll get a fine. And then I get a large sum of money, which makes the fine meaningless.”

What is your favourite non-human creature in the world and why? (Gods count)

“I must say dragons. My beloved Custos is a wonderful companion.”

If you were forced to kill one person you have met, who would it be. (Not yourself)

“Raissa Kamanzi, no doubt. I unfortunately have met her.”

Other Atsila: questionnaire one

#4- Teo

If you had a pet, what animal would it be?

“A dog or a fox, easily. Wade and I want to own foxes one day - they're so adorable!! And, like, K'Ehleyr is the best dog I have, like, ever met.”

How long would you like to live? Why?

“As long as I can! I want to, like, grow old together with Wade, and of course Parker. If we can all, like, die of old age, at, like, the same time, that would be just lovely. Sound minds at, like, 99. That sounds amazing.”

When will you be done?

“... Wait, that's, like, the whole question? Done with what? Life goals?? Let's go with that. I want to live a fulfilling life. Make, like, an impact on the world. Start a family. I think becoming, like, a YouTuber would be, like, awesome. And when I'm, like, done with making content, I'll be done. I guess. I hope I understood this question.”

Other Teo: questionnaire one, kiss picrew

#5- Carmen

Why did you leave home?

“Why did I agree to this interview? Ugh, I was a young adult, let's move on.”

What is your ideal job?

“I am perfectly happy where I am. [Pause. Pause. Pause.] Though I'll admit that I have wished I were apart of the Alii Power Database Council. I have a few words about organizing the subpowers alphabetically rather than rarity - since it makes it impossible to find anything unless you have the rarity memorized - but I suppose it is consistent. Working directly with the database council would allow me to gain greater funding to research the powers and certain potential subpowers.”

What will life look like when you complete your main goal?

“Wasn't this question asked to Mr. Attwood's Ceter boyfriend? Whatever, I just wish I was asked more unique questions. I hope to fulfill Atsila's wishes by completing her study on Alii from Ceteri and stopping the Refugae.”

Other Carmen: OC in three, OC in fifteen, Picrew, smash or pass, art, interview, questionnaire one

#6- Issa

Would you sacrifice yourself for another?

“Uh, yeah, duh. What kinda silly question is that? It would be wrong not to.”

How often do you daydream?

“Uh, quite often, actually. I find it so easy to be distracted.... Oops, sorry I fazed out for a second; thought of something CJ said earlier. Anyway, uh, my mind is a theater; constantly stuff is just happening up here.”

What is your favorite activity?

“Oh, I'm in musical theater! I love theater! I'm a champion at improv nights. I've also performed comedy skits there. I'm also in the art club and the debate club, and I'll attend book clubs! I also like baseball a bit, though I prefer to watch with CJ and Alex and Wendy. I'm not on a team, but maybe someday! Oh, yeah! Hanging out with my friends!”

Other Issa: questionnaire one

#7- Raissa

How many people have you killed?

“Ha-ha! I'm sorry, I had to laugh - what are you talking about? That's the dumbest way I've ever heard an interview start! How is that the first thing on your mind when you're sitting down with me? [Face hardens] Regardless, the answer to your question is irrelevant, and I find it incredibly offensive.”

Favorite type of drink?

“I am quite fond of green wine. Why do I have to answer such trivial questions?”

Do you smoke?

“... Occasionally.... This was a waste of time; I must get back to work.”

Other Raissa: questionnaire one

#8- Gabriel

What would you say is your greatest weakness?

“Tsk. I don't like to think of myself as a person with weaknesses. Cassidy says I'm too uptight. He's wrong, of course. Jaz sometimes says I'm stubborn. I think Traeger called me rude once. I suppose it is frustrating that I can't adapt to unfamiliar situations as much as I'd like.”

Who is someone in your life that you like but that you don't trust?

“Bold of you to assume I trust anyone.”

If you could magically learn any mundane skill right now (cooking, a particular dance, a language, singing, sewing, etc.), what would it be?

“Part of learning the skill is the learning itself. The process. I would rather not instantly learn a skill. However, if I must answer this question...I suppose it would be nice to just learn how to drive. I find it admittedly frustrating that knowing exactly how cars work and what to do to drive them is not appearing to help me.”

Other Gabriel: questionnaire one

Tagging @sleepywriter00 @finickyfelix @rehnwriter @dyrewrites @talesofsorrowandofruin

+ ANYONE ELSE

Your questions:

1) What is something you spend a lot of time worrying about? 2) Would you prefer to leave where your hometown and never come back or stay in your hometown and never be able to leave? 3) Do you own something to rarely/never use?

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

@nebula--nix @literarynecromancy @honeybewrites @the-golden-comet

[the-chaos-crew]

okay this is gonna be SUPER different than most of my posts but god ding diddly dang it I'm frustrated so hear me out

I had a bad childhood, like a really bad one, as far as I know since I was 6 but my dad and older brother think I probably was affected by the insane shit since 4yrs old. which if you don't know is pretty fucking young. and that traumatic childhood lasted until I was about 11. that's a pretty long fucking time for trauma to build up over time.

now because of this shit childhood, I developed the coping mechanism known as dissociation. I often feel like I'm in a dream or I'm watching someone else live my life and it's really really weird. now sometimes though, that dissociation is taken to an extreme. and extreme where I just suddenly BLIP lose several hours or more of time and I have no memory of it.

my IRL friends have told me that during these periods of time where I just black out, I act completely differently or my behavior shifts suddenly

I've tried denying that this is a thing and at one point I did consider Dissociative Identity Disorder. I snapped out of it of course cause I'm too young for that to start disrupting my life, right? yes my abuser is gone, she'll never return, I mean how could she when she is in an urn sitting on a shelf now. but, I'm a teen now, and in therapy, I should be fine and healthy now right?

I told my therapist about how these black outs in my memory freak me out and I just cannot keep ignoring it anymore, and my therapist told me to talk to my psychiatrist cause she might know a bit more and be able to help me

you wanna know. what my psychiatrist said? what she said about this very worrying and distressing thing that affects my life and relationships?

"you're fine, it isn't affecting you that significantly" (while I was there crying cause I am honestly scared about whatever is going on) "it sounds totally normal to me, everyone gets a bit more extreme in their emotions"

LIKE WHAT. LADY. AUGHHHFHFFHH

she completely waved off my concerns.

I don't try to get into discourse in stuff I'm not even a part of, but fuck man. this is what mental illness fakers are really doing. "erm endos aren't taking resources away erm uh" BRO. MY THERAPIST KNOWS OF DID, SHE KNOWS THE ABSOLUTE SHIT I WENT THROUGH AS A KID. and yet she isn't too sure about going anywhere in that realm of possibility other than me dealing with dissociation above the average for C-PTSD sufferers. why? because my therapist has dealt with one too many fakers trying to be fucking debilitated like I am, without the actual debilitation part!

my psychiatrist is waving my concerns and problems away because she knows that a lot of kids of my generation are just saying this shit for attention or clout or to validate their delusions

mental illness fakers are making it so no one believes the people who are actually struggling and it's making me pissed off. I DONT WANT TO LOSE HOURS OF MY LIFE TO SOME OTHER FACET IN MY BRAIN. I WANT TO GET HELP FOR THIS SHIT. BUT NO ONE WILL FUCKING BELIEVE OR LISTEN TO ME.

I WONDER. FUCKING. WHY.

okay. rant over. sorry. I'm just super fucking pissed and I just want help for whatever the fuck is going on with me dude

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for fucking around with this guy

Okay, some context. I met this guy around 4 or so years ago in a server with lots of friends and stuff. We were pretty good friends for a little.

Then he like got kind of sexual with me? I honestly thought it was a joke because there had been a long running joke in that group about things like showing titties or whatever and he always told me he was joking when I pressed the issue

Sometimes I would get really upset about it but he always showed remorse

Anyway after about 2 years of this ordeal I accidentally spilled the beans after being emotionally coerced by a friend and I wish I hadn't been

This obviously causes a big exile in our group, so he wasn't welcome anymore

They also kicked me out of their new server, which they said was "adults only" (I'm 16 but most of my friends are 18 to 22)

So I returned to the exiled friend because I honestly regretted doing all that because we had stopped doing that stuff like months before I spilled everything

Then I got into a month's long argument explaining why I should be in their server but they didn't care to listen and then tried to hold it up to a vote and clearly didn't respect me or my opinions

So I blew up at them and abandoned them forever

I was still talking to the exiled friend who we can call like Jack I guess

Jack is older than me and when he first got exiled we had a really long convo where he admitted he was into me which really surprised me and I took a few months to believe it

When I did believe it I ended up having feelings for him too but we don't want anything romantic

So now we're kind of doing fwb. Some friends I have don't know of this current situation which I'm fine with since he's very respectful, not using me, he doesn't hold any social power over me and he's not very mature

But friends who know about the 2 year thing call him a pedophile (which makes no sense, pedophilia a brain disorder that makes you into prepubescent kids) and a groomer (he didn't isolate me, ever say I was so mature, tell me to keep it a secret etc etc) and it makes me mad because words have meaning and I feel like they're dismissing me having autonomy and emotion to just wanna suck some hot guys dick

But they all think I'm low-key the AH for fucking around with him and still being his friend and not letting them save me or wtv despite not wanting to include me anymore so am I

What are these acronyms?

[circular-bircular]

hello, sorry if this question is weird, I've been thinking about it for a while. why do a lot of anti endos seem to think that endos appropriate a disorder, if systemhood is not the main part of CDDs anyway? I feel like it's diluting dissociative symptoms to focus only on "alter disorder"

I'm more disabled as a DID system by PTSD symptoms, amnesia, DP/DR, and maladaptive personality features than I am by the alters themselves, so... I really don't get why is that? as long as endos don't claim to have an endogenic CDD (which most of them aren't anymore?) I think it's fine to say that plurality/multiplicity by itself is not the disabling part of a CDD

Mm, hey there. Sorry for the wait hon.

Not a weird question at all -- it's definitely confusing. Genuinely, I think a lot of anti-endos think that endogenic systems are "appropriating a disorder" (which I already think is weird language to use, but we use what we got I suppose) because of the language being shared between communities.

Like, let's look:

Alters (which in DID is a symptom of trauma) VS Alters (which can vary between walk-ins, created alters, there-since-birth, IFS parts, a-voice-i-heard-once, imaginary friends, etc)

DP/DR (the feeling that you don't exist, or that the reality around you doesn't exist) VS "immersion in innerworld" and delineating between Innerworld and "Meatspace"

Amnesia (not recalling events in some way, shape, or form) VS... okay, yeah, no a LOT of people in endogenic spaces I've been in talk about the amnesia they experience. Emotional amnesia exists, y'all.

That's just a few.

At the end of the day, though, I think it's fucking stupid to say that endogenic systems are "appropriating a disorder" because no, the fuck, they are not. I understand where the comparison comes from, I really do, but it's fucking dumb as shit. One, endogenic systems, by and large, have already ruled out DID. Like with how much syscourse there is, it's not like they HAVEN'T looked at DID. They kinda are pretty set on shit by the time you reach them, anti-endos. Second, even if they're in Major DID Denial (which does happen), that's not appropriation. That's just being wrong.

And lastly...

Yeah. What you said. Every single fucker talking about endogenic systems appropriating DID focuses on the alter part, which just boils down the disorder to the alter part. FFS anti-endos, at least use the clarity of language, "they're appropriating the language used to discuss my disorder" or "they're appropriating a symptom of my disorder."

That's still wrong but at least it makes someone more sense.

[nerdygaymormon]

A F*cking Eating Disorder?!!!

A week ago it was determined I have an eating disorder. 

I'm having a lot of feelings about it. I mean, a f*cking eating disorder?!!! That's serious. My physician thinks I need a psychologist and a psychiatrist! I mean, yes, one is for talking and the other is for medication, but how bad is it that I need BOTH of them?

Already some things make more sense--illogical behaviors, compulsions, shame, secrecy. I’m sure even more will make sense once I begin therapy.

I'm tired of being broken. I’m tired of discovering new ways in which I was harmed. I’m mad at myself for staying in a space that caused this. Why wasn’t I brave enough to come out earlier and stand up for myself? Why did I believe all the hurtful “truths” said about queer people and use those to hate myself? I’m actually a wonderful person.

I did some really hard therapy for my social anxiety disorder. Sometimes the homework was too much and I’d sit in the car and cry, but I’d report my experience and then try again the next week. This is going to be hard, too. It scares me. I know it will lead to better physical and mental health, but the journey is going to be hell.

In therapy I learned to stop suppressing my feelings and to understand and manage them. That was a nightmare, I wasn’t used to strong emotions, I was crying all the time about everything like I was a toddler. The tests showed I’m a ‘deep feeler,’ so when I let myself start feeling again, those intense emotions were overwhelming. I’ve come a long ways, but I’m feeling so much right now that I wish I could be numb again.

I first went to therapy because I was suicidal and didn’t know what to do. I was required to share with 10 people that I was in therapy and why, and ask them if I could contact them if I needed to. This was part of my safety plan which I had to keep on me 24/7 for months. It was so embarrassing tell others and ask if it is okay to contact them if I need to. I learned people really cared. I did have to contact people a few times and ask them to say some good things about me, it was a way to break the string of negative comments streaming in my head. And they did, they always had some good things to say. Those months were the scariest of my life. Somehow I held on. I did the work. I did hard things. 

Another thing I worked on in therapy was low self-esteem. It was so bad that the first time I was asked to write a list of 10 things I like about myself, I broke down in tears, I thought really hard and felt I really stretched to get to 3. That’s it, 3 things, and it took 10 minutes to come up with them. I had minimized every good thing and accomplishment about myself to the point I had no positive feelings about them, which left only negative feelings about myself. It’s taken years to get where I can say good things about myself, accept compliments, and recognize some of the great things I do. I should never have felt that way about myself, that was self-destructive, but I believed all the negative things said about me and about people like me.

Along with working on self-esteem, I worked on my internalized homophobia and on accepting myself as a gay man. Being gay is fine, but allowing myself to try new things, have gay friends, and so on, has been breathtakingly amazing. Life is much better not having to spend so much energy trying to hide myself.

When I was a teen, I used to self harm. It was a way to change that emotional pain into physical pain. The physical pain overwhelmed the mental, it allowed me one thing to focus on. The physical pain was localized, the emotional pain seemed endless. Rather than cut or burn, I would hit my head repeatedly against the wall or lockers in the hope that I was causing brain damage and it would help lessen my ability to feel. I couldn’t see a life that wasn’t pain. I didn’t believe there could be happiness ahead for me in my life. 

C-PTSD means I have the symptoms of PTSD but it wasn’t caused by a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. Instead, C-PTSD is caused by ongoing trauma which lasts for months or years, while PTSD may be caused by a single traumatic event. YEARS. As a result, sometimes a trigger brings back strong feelings. I don’t just remember how I felt, I relive those feelings. 

As I had a serious discussion with my physician last week and talked about eating disorders and my mental health history and she asked questions screening me for depression or distress, it brought back these feelings I have around all the things I’ve worked on. 

I’ve worked hard but my life still isn’t all put together and figured out. Part of me feels like I’m drowning and I don’t know how to swim. I have to remind myself that I can swim, I’ve swum through some choppy waters. I can’t look at how far I need to go or it will feel like too much, just keep focused on my breathing and on moving forward. 

I’ve started telling a few friends because I’m sure I’ll need a support network. I know from experience it’s better if I have people who love me that I can turn to when I need them, like they’re my floaties (sorry, trying to fit this into the swimming metaphor)

[aspd-culture]

so about some of the traits and behaviours related to ASPD that can be upsetting or harmful to others (eg putting yourself and others at risk, not understanding or regarding the rights of others, etc), how do you deal with that in relationships (whether friends, dating, family, work)? like, when their side of an argument is that you’re being disrespectful or putting them at risk, but your side is that those are literally symptoms of ASPD and you weren’t actively trying to hurt them? they’re not wrong for feeling hurt still, but you’re not wrong for existing with this disorder. i realise it’s generally considered difficult for pwASPD to maintain relationships, but like, somehow you have to live your life and that involves a lot of interacting with people, plus pwASPD don’t deserve total isolation that they don’t want, obviously. apologies if the wording is confusing.

/genq /intending this respectfully

I appreciate this question and especially the way you worded it was actually super respectful, so thank you for that as well.

For me and many people with ASPD our social circles tend to be smaller and usually within that even fewer actually know about the disorder, which can make this especially tricky if they don't understand why we're acting this way. In that case, I personally do my best to take a step away from the situation and talk to people I trust who *do* know about my disorder to ask them AITA or not.

If they agree with me entirely, I stand my ground with the other person or remove them from my life if I feel it warrants that (which, with this disorder, I more often than not do if it wouldn't take much effort to cut them out of my life).

However, if the people I trust to help with my moral compass feel that I was entirely in the wrong, I will try and process that as a logical fact, practice faking remorse by myself, and apologize. Even if I don't feel remorse and the thing I did wrong came from my symptoms, I can personally still accept that the facts are that undue harm was caused to them.

My apologies tend to sound insincere so I've been told, but people tend to appreciate that I accept full responsibility, acknowledge the harm I caused, and work to change my actions, so they tend to see it as me seeming insincere vs actually being insincere. After all, I generally *don't* try to hurt the people around me, but if I did it anyway then it's probably worth trying not to repeat, if only for the practical purpose those people serve in my life.

I try really hard not to be the type of person, regardless of my PD, who says "this is how I am, get over it" without at least considering if I'm in the wrong. It took me many years to get to this point though, and I am able to admit that I was a pretty crappy friend at some points bc of my refusal to try and see where I was wrong. I used to feel that if I didn't feel remorse I should not have to show remorse, but I'm in the process of learning that's not accurate.

Remorse is best delivered from a heartfelt perspective, yes, but if that's not available storebought is fine. It's ok to have remorse be a practiced set of words and actions that you do when people are upset, so long as your apologies at least come from a place where you intend to try to change. That change doesn't have to be not having symptoms, but it's reasonable for people to expect your symptoms not to constantly negatively impact them.

All that said, if it's something I truly cannot change about myself, my side of the conversation usually looks like this, with adjustments based on what exactly the issue is (feel free to use this as a script of sorts if you have trouble talking through these things with ppl in your life! YMMV, but I spent a long time formulating it, so it deserves as much use as it can get lol). Keep in mind a lot of this is gonna sound like I don't have ASPD and that is on purpose. In my personal relationships I prioritize apologies and times when others are upset as times I choose to mask. That is honestly more for me than for them except for my Exceptions bc it’s extremely frustrating for me to navigate what is and is not coming off as angry, dismissive, etc. so I prefer to mask heavily during these kinds of conversations. You do not have to mask if you do not want to; it should not be the expectation of NT people/pwoPDs that we mask for their comfort.

If they know about my PD: "I don't want to hide behind this or use it as an excuse, but what you're talking about is a symptom of my personality disorder. I put in a lot of work to avoid these symptoms affecting other people, but at the end of the day I still have a disorder and some things are just not able to go away. What I can do is find out how this is hurting you. If it's my tone and not my words, there isn't much I can do about it besides remind you that my tone is often non-reflective of my intention and emotions. If it's my words, we can work together on a phrasing that would be more comfortable for you in the future. It will come across as scripted, but that doesn’t change the fact that I mean it. I would just be using that phrasing because it’s important to me not to hurt you. If it's a specific action, I can try to not repeat it. But I cannot get rid of the disorder and part of being in my life is understanding that and trying to find ways we can both cope without me having to mask all the time. That is exhausting and unrealistic unfortunately. Can you explain to me what exactly was the issue with what I said/did and how it made you feel so we can understand each other better?”

If they don't: "I get that what I said/did came off differently than I intended and hurt you. I'd like to know specifically what about it hurt you in your own words so that we can come up with a solution to avoid this in the future. I know it may feel obvious, and I basically already know (sometimes with neurotypicals you just need to LIE) what was hurtful. I just feel if you explain it to me, we can target it together better and I will be able to be a better friend/partner/coworker in the future. If you don't communicate that to me, I might accidentally end up making things worse and I don't want to do that. Think about it this way, if what I said made you angry and I thought it made you sad, however I try to rephrase it is probably just going to make you angrier since I’d be looking at it in the wrong context and that warrants a different response.”

If something is 100% unfixable, resort to a gentle version of old reliable "this is who I am" speech: "I understand that you're upset and the goal here was not to hurt you. I don't enjoy seeing you upset and what I did/said wasn't intentionally malicious. But that said, it is kind of just something about me that I talk/act like that sometimes. If it helps to know it isn't anything against you, great. I can give you that reassurance any time you need, just ask instead of assuming ok? If not, I think it may just not be possible for us to see as much of each other or maybe be in each others' lives. I don't want you hurt and if a part of my personality is hurting you, then you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy and I would wish you all the best in that."

The difference about saying that last one now vs when I used to is that now I am both using much gentler wording and only saying this when I honestly believe the only thing I can do to help this person protect their own peace is to not be in their life. Inevitably, people tend to push after this "no I can handle it, I don't want to lose you", and I usually try and discourage it once and say "look I don't want to be the reason you're hurt and have you bottle it up until you resent me and then lash out at me. I want to protect both of us." If that still doesn't work, gotta be honest, it's their funeral at that point bc you said you could handle it, you said it wasn't that big a deal, you're a grown person and it's your job to either mean what you say or take responsibility if you don't.

Sorry for writing a novel! This stuff is complex and it’s hard to explain my process concisely. I hope this answers your question though.