#<- needs to find a new therapist but that takes too much fucking energy

[bonetrousled]

ohhhh the unending march of time onwards can do that

[sugardolle]

my new routine to life. 💋

how i get everything i want + succeed. 🎀

first off i don’t use subliminals neither do i participate in affirmation challenges. i use to but i grew to feel that it’s unnecessary. on my account you won’t see neither of those.

i know about affirmations, i know about non dualism, i know about states. however something about all of this did not sit right with me idc, my brain didn’t like it. all of this information and you’re bound to be confused especially with the arguments about what and what, literally for weeks. people take “do what works for you” for granted.

i didn’t throw all of these ideas and concepts away however i shaped tf out of them to fit what feels right with me, and that’s what a lot of people don’t do, hence all of these arguments for no reason ! a bunch of mad people and for what.

a @/nazdoll.e original post ( insta ).

ONE ) i know that what i want will show up for me now or what society called the future. time doesn’t exists to me, my future is my present and so is my past. manifesting on a time crunch doesn’t exist either in my book. because if i already had it, is it really a time crunch? you can’t want something so bad for it just to not show up. when you know you have this much power, whatever you want can’t not show up for you. it’s bound to at this point.

TWO ) when something isn't 'showing' up, it isn't because of me. because i know once i become aware that this thing exist in my life at some point of "time." knowing time does NOT exist. it exists now. i can easily decide on when to have it. just because i became aware of that fact. and for two; the 4D & 3D are the same exact thing. they can't exist separately it's one complete thing. so whatever it is that i want it has no choice but to show up.

THREE ) i can't fix a broken person, i'm not their momma nor a therapist. i feel like a lot of ppl should hear this! i will never take my train of thought, etc., to 'manifest' back dirt ass people !when i can use that energy to put a better person into my life that didn't fuck me over the first time. cause friendship wise i thought about it before but i thought to myself do i need this past energy in my life again?' like nooo. it’s a fresh breath of air manifesting someone new and i find it more comfortable and easier. i’m too good to do myself dirty.

FOUR ) life is effortless once you know you have zero limits, and become aware that you are in control of your own limits ! i promise just sit down one day & close your eyes and become aware of the fact that you can control the limit(s) that you think you have. you can literally erase it.

FIVE ) my mindset has no labels. if it seems correct to me, i will take this and that and follow it. what most of us need to do is relearn and go back to the "basics". the first thing we learned that got us to wherever we are now. it helped me so much, and got rid of any clutter in my mind.. with the information i have, i know i got hella options and so it was just a big spot of ink in my mind. i threw away some stuff and kept some.

i’m now one of those one people who just write down what they want and decide that i have it. fuck a state, fuck an affirmation, that’s literally how it is. obviously i’m educated about those things but i don’t take up all of my time trying to “get in a state” or “how long should i saturated for?”

if you can’t be a spoiled brat about what you want then i don’t know what to tell you. because that’s what it basically it is. 🎀

signing off — vixendolle ( kaydolle ). 🍭 ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ ʚɞ ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

[were--ralph]

oversharing vent time

im literally the only person in this house with a job and i can't afford to find another one right now because I'm the -only- one with a job and i don't have the luxury of not having health insurance or income at all. because of that i can't buy things i want besides the occasional furry commission once every month if that

its also like. my brother is a complete deadbeat and legally we can't put him out so he's just a cancer on this household and mooches money while I essentially take care of two disabled people, him, and his kids who are here every fucking day because their mother is a shit

then like aside from that I have to work at a place that literally makes me want to kms like actually literally daily and It's draining me so much the only real shot i have of working in an industry i enjoy im too tired to do homework or stream when i get home and i take a nap and wake up with only a few hours before i do it all over again. being at work has become an actual struggle to finish one shift to the point I often leave early and just....don't care if i get fired or what the fuck happens

then aside from all that school is the absolute worst experience ive had in my life with learning new skills and everyone has seen me talk about it but i can't learn anything from it and im too exhausted and depressed when i get home to find a way to learn on my own

then aside from all that I'm constantly plagued with lonely thoughts and not even due to like wanting sex or even romantic stuff i just need an outlet to feel normal and good and not stressed and my therapist is no help literally at all so i dropped her so I really can't do like anything at all

then the closest family member ive cared for in my life cut me off abruptly with no explanation and im still reeling over that

i genuinely like. do not enjoy being alive in the sense that pretty much every aspect of my life right now sucks. I have no escape, I have no money, I am exhausted daily, I'm depressed daily, I'm overworked, all i have are my three cats who I don't even have the time or energy to play with anymore, i keep cutting off my friends because.....i dont even know anymore

I almost want to just quit my job and not have any income just to make people have to do things and let myself just.......exist. just exist.

i just needed to vent to the void and i feel much better now but still not good

[sorensolsikke]

i am here with some emergency "tips" (much more like experience with my own mental illness) for teens with depression and ptsd, struggling with sh, suicidal thoughts and anxiety.

please only read further if you are sure you are stable enough rn for reading through advice. keep in mind that i am only just another survivor, my "tips" may not work for you at all (we are all different creatures), and following some advice could never replace several years long therapy. please understand that i do not want to change you, nor want to trivialize your suffering. i am just genuienly worried about your well-being, and want to pass over some knowledge i learnt the hard way, hoping it may reach some people who need to hear this.

[about me in brief/you don't need to read this, only if you are curious: hello, i am soren, 17, audhd, genderfluid pansexual. my parents are divorced, therefore i grew up in two seperate abusive households. i lived through physical and verbal abuse, sexual trauma at a young age, and was a puppet for my parents' arguments through all my life. i have four younger siblings. with mother, we lived on the streets for months when i was around 12, and just generally, we lived in poverty. her second husband was an alcoholic and beat my two smaller siblings while my mother had been working, therefore i wasn't really allowed to go out until i was 15 (when i got into a psychiatry for a few weeks.) i've been on therapy (and working hard for my mental health) for five years now, and i am more or less healed from depression and self harm, although i have had a couple of incompetent therapists too. feel free to tell me your own story: i will be here to listen. that's all about me; i told you all of this so you could make sure i am really only speaking from my own experience.]

firstly, i want to emphasize again that not all of my tips will work for you, and that's okay, we are just different. i am really proud that you are trying to find solutions: that must require so much energy of you. please don't be mad at yourself if something doesn't work out for the first time, i am sure you are doing your best at the moment, and that's more than enough.

one of my main points is that healing hurts more than staying in suffering. healing and trying to make things better is tiring, requires lots of courage and is sometimes demotivating. healing will make you ask: is it worth it? and your mind will tell you no, it never will, life is stupid. but in fact it IS worth it. it will worth it when you move out and create your own home, your own safe place with food and smells that you like. it will worth it when you leave school, and maybe start studying what you truly like, or get a job that makes you feel safe and you get your own money. it will worth it when you get your dream haircut. it will worth it when you will laugh with your friends over a campfire. it doesn't seem like all of this is possible rn, but you don't have to believe it yet, you are not a bad person because you are not believing. i just hope you will remember that some guy also thought it won't ever get better and suicide is the best solution, and this guy was incredibly shocked when it actually got better. choosing healing is an utterly hard step, especially when you are ready to throw away everything. "why would i keep trying then?" you could ask. and i would answer: out of spite. do it because those fuckers who made everything so unbearable for you have no fucking right to take your life away from you too.

accept that new (and often good) solutions will sometimes make you furious or irritated. your mind really just wants to get some fucking rest and try to survive; you won't really like the new mental tasks you may choose to perform, and that's okay. it's enough if you try.

when you feel suicidal or want to harm yourself, ask yourself "what am i really feeling now?" is it anger? guilt, shame, anxiety? emptiness? and when you got your answer, ask "what made me feel like this?"

watch your language. saying "i want to kill myself" about every minor inconvenience was very much of my usual, and it was awfully hard to get used to alternatives. but it was worth it, because saying this stuff reinforces the bad thoughts so much, and also, saying unhinged alternative crap made me a lot funnier (like "i want to fucking make this teacher dance to motherfucking macarena"). if you really really want to say it, because it helps you release frustration, try saying it like "i feel like i want to kill myself". it's basically the same, you just don't make the feeling equal to your core self.

about sh... you could say "it's my body, i do whatever i want to do with it" and you are very right. i only advise you against it because selfharm always makes you value yourself less and less, it reinforces the dark spiral of depression (i feel so bad and absolutely hopeless -> i hurt myself to get some relief and endorphines -> oh fuck, the relief is gone, i feel so bad and absolutely hopeless...), and also, why would you make yourself suffer more than once? (when i did sh, it was usually because someone hurt my feelings or i thought i needed punishment. i was wrong. the people around me would have needed punishment from me. i didn't deserve to be hurt by myself too.)

so well, only if you have energy and will to try, you can work out a plan BEFORE getting to sh itself. my Plan in order is: 1. workout (it helps me through anger a lot. i recommend considering it), 2. taking a shower with nice smelling shower gel, 3. putting on comfortable clothes, 4. eating comfort food and drinking water!! 5. (optional) sleeping. if i have gone through The Plan, and i still feel the inevitable need to harm myself, letsgo. nothing will stop me then.

if you want to stop sh, you have to accept you may relapse from time to time. that's okay, that happens, sh can be the same as drug addiction, and you can't always be in control. your only goal is to do it more and more rarely. that's all.

if you know you are going to have a hard day, try to prepare for it. put on comfortable underwear, bring your plushie with you, drink lots of water and have some breakfast. even very bad days end in a few hours.

just generally, when you are feeling shitty and completely out of energy, focus on practical things and bodily needs and healthy coping mechanisms. even mute social media completely for a few days when you feel overwhelmed by the world's problems.

friends who make you feel like they are more hurt from your mental illness than you are (absolute bullcrap) wouldn't deserve you to tell them how you are feeling. of course you might not have anyone else to share things with, and that is not your fault. just be reminded that if they accuse you for making them feel sad WHEN YOU LITERALLY WANTED TO DIE IN THAT VERY MINUTE, you are very rightfully mad at them.

through panic/anxiety attacks and meltdowns!!! they can be unimaginably scary, i know. it's hard to help yourself out of them alone. the thing you can do is 1. breathing (in in in in, hold hold hold hold, out, out out, out, out.) for at least ten times. 2. finding and naming(!!) in your environment four objects you can see, four colors you can see, four things you can feel with your skin, and four things you could smell. 3. drinking some water and give yourself as much time as possible.

general advice: go to nature regularly (if you are able to). it sounds stupid, but nature helped me through many many hard weeks. it's worth a try.

for sleeping problems, try melatonin.

learn some very basic yoga poses!! like, four of them. perform when feeling the need for it (when your back or hips or neck hurts.) will also help you sleep better.

let yourself just... do nothing sometimes. capitalism makes you feel bad for being unproductive, but that's a big word from a system that generally overworks its employees so much that their performance is at least only half as good as it could be in a better environment. you are allowed to rest when things are heavy. you will have time for everything later, when you are not struggling this much.

most of the people on the streets or in school don't care about how you look or what you are doing, if they don't explicitly mention it to you. i know social anxiety tells you otherwise, but keep in mind that nobody can read your thoughts. people can look at you and very rarely can think about what you are feeling at that moment, but they can only guess. you are safe. you can put on crazy maskara if you'd like to or dress like you feel. most people genuienly couldn't care less (just think about how much you care about other people's appearences, voices or stuffs.).

that's all for today i guess, these were the lifehacks i used for better (other than having a psychologist). if i was wrong with something, please correct me. i hope i could helped, or at least i didn't make things worse. i genuienly wish you happiness, and i hope you'll get to be safe. i am already proud of you for doing this shit for so long, no matter what you'll do in the future btw. i hope you'll have a nice day, and if i could, i would genuienly get you your favourite flowers tomorrow morning.

[alltoomanywords]

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: ALL THE ENERGY OF NOT TRYING TO BEAT THIS DEAD HORSE OF A RELATIONSHIP ANY MORE

STOP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE IN NEW AND EVER-MORE EXCRUCIATING WAYS

IF YOU WERE STILL COMPATIBLE, IT WOULDN’T BE THIS FUCKING HARD

ITS TOO LATE FOR THE BENEFITS OF HEALTHY CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SKILLS

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK HAS ALL THE PEACEFUL RESIGNATION OF NO LONGER BICKERING ABOUT DIRECTIONS AT THE CROSSROADS, AND SIMPLY TAKING DIFFERENT PATHS

MUCH LIKE THE MAJOR LESSON OF MANY COMING-OF-AGE MOVIES, IT IS POSSIBLE TO ADMIT YOU’VE OUTGROWN YOUR FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL WITHOUT DYING ON THE SPOT

TIRED OF TRYING TO DECIDE WHICH ONE OF YOU REMEMBERS YOUR LAST FIGHT MOST ACCURATELY? WITH “LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE” ENERGY DRINK, YOU DONT HAVE TO!

“LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK” IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY WITH DIFFICULT DECADES-LONG FRIENDSHIPS

SOME WORK OUT GREAT

(NOT YOURS)

(YOU KNOW IT WON’T)

(IT WILL CONTINUE TO BREAK YOUR HEART IN PROGRESSIVELY DULLER BUT MORE LASTING WAYS WITH EACH PASSING YEAR AS YOU GROW YET FURTHER APART AND STRAIN YET HARDER TO HANG ON TO THE GOOD OL’ DAYS WITH YOUR SLIPPING, ACHING FINGERTIPS)

OR MAYBE IT’LL BE FINE

MAYBE YOU WONT REGRET HAVING THEM IN YOUR WEDDING PHOTOS ACTUALLY

IT COULD HAPPEN

OR

WITH “LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE” ENERGY DRINK

YOU COULD STOP BEGGING YOUR FRIEND TO GO TO THERAPY

OR FORCING THEM TO MICRODOSE ON IT BY GIVING THEM ADVICE FROM YOUR OWN THERAPIST

LET THEM FIGURE THEIR OWN LIVES OUT

WOULD THEY LITERALLY DIE WITHOUT YOU? PROBABLY NOT

WITH “LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE” ENERGY DRINK YOU’LL FINALLY HAVE THE ENERGY TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHICH FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALSO NOT SERVING YOU

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK, AVAILABLE NOW!

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: STOP SCROLLING INSTAGRAM AT 3AM REALIZING THEY’VE NEVER POSTED A PHOTO OF YOU TOGETHER

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: WORK ON YOUR OWN ABANDONMENT ISSUES INSTEAD OF THEIRS FOR ONCE

STOP OVEREXPLAINING EVERY LITTLE COMMENT OUT OF THE DESPERATE FEAR OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD

YOUR FRIEND COULD GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT IF THEY WANTED TO

YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BEG FOR GRACE FROM SOMEONE WHO CALLS THEMSELVES YOUR FRIEND

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: BECAUSE YOUR FRIEND THINKS A HAPPY ENDING IS ONE WHERE YOU NEVER GROW OR CHANGE OR DEVELOP NEEDS THAT ARE DIFFERENT FROM THEIRS

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: LIFE’S TOO SHORT TO CARRY AROUND DEAD FLOWERS THAT USED TO BE BEAUTIFUL THAT CARRY ONLY THE REMINDER THAT SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IS GONE

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: DO NOT CONVINCE YOURSELF YOU LIKE THE SMELL OF ROT BECAUSE IT REMINDS YOU OF WHEN THERE WERE ROSES

THERE ARE MORE FLOWERS OUTSIDE

THEYRE EVERYWHERE, ACTUALLY

YOU NEED ONLY THE COURAGE TO APPROACH THEM

YOU MAY EVEN FIND VARIETIES THAT SMELL BETTER THAN THE ONES YOU REMEMBER FROM CHILDHOOD

(PROBABLY NOT)

(NOTHING SMELLS AS GOOD AS NOSTALGIA)

(YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME)

(YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME)

(YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME)

BUT LIFE GOES ON

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: HAVING A FEW GOOD CONVERSATIONS AFTER DARK

AROUND A CAMPFIRE

AT A PATIO TABLE

ON A DOCK

DOES NOT BIND YOU TO ANOTHER SOUL FOR ALL TIME

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK IS FULL OF NATURALLY RESTORATIVE INGREDIENTS, LIKE NOT HAVING TO PUT UP WITH THAT STUPID INSIDE JOKE THAT HURTS YOUR FEELINGS ANYMORE, AND GREEN TEA EXTRACT

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: ONE CAN IS THE EQUIVALENT OF 17 “LETTING A BALOON GO” CEREMONIES!

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: SCRUB THE GRADUATION SONG BY VITAMIN C FROM YOUR BRAIN FOREVER

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK HAS THE SAME EFFECTS ON COGNITIVE PERFORMANCE AS A CUP OF MEDIUM-ROAST LOW-ACID COFFEE OR NOT HAVING TO APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING THAT WASN’T ACTUALLY YOUR FAULT JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK HAS NOT BEEN TESTED ON OLD FRIENDS WHO NO LONGER FEEL WORTH THE EFFORT BECAUSE THEIR OPINIONS DON’T MATTER ANYMORE ANYWAY

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: NEVER AGAIN WONDER WHEN YOU STOPPED REALLY TRUSTING EACH OTHER

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: IF THEY’RE AS GOOD OF A PERSON AS THEY THINK THEY ARE, THEY HAVE NO TROUBLE MAKING NEW FRIENDS, RIGHT?

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: THERE ARE PLENTY OF PLATONIC FISH IN THE SEA

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: DONT THINK ABOUT THAT TIME YOU LAID ON THE FLOOR AND LISTENED TO ANTHEMS FOR A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS UNTIL YOUR BREATHING SYNCED UP AND TIME STOPPED AND YOU WISHED FOR LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: DONT DO IT

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: IT’LL BE LIKE THE SUMMER THEY CAME HOME FROM COLLEGE AND NEVER HAD A SINGLE FREE DAY TO HANG OUT WITH YOU FOR FOUR MONTHS NEVER HAPPENED!

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK IS APPROPRIATE FOR EVERY STAGE OF LIFE

GRADUATING MIDDLE SCHOOL

GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL

GRADUATING UNIVERSITY

MOVING TO A NEW FOR WORK

GETTING MARRIED AND REALIZING YOUR FRIENDS NEVER MATURED BEYOND LIKE 17

STARTING A FAMILY AND REALIZING YOU DONT WANT THESE PEOPLE AROUND YOUR KIDS

YOUR 50TH BIRTHDAY

MOVING TO A NICE RETIREMENT COMMUNITY WHERE YOU DONT WANT YOUR PEACE DISTURBED

AND MORE

TIRED OF BEING CALLED “OVER-SENSITIVE”? TRY LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK!

FEEL AS WELL-RESTED AS A CHILDLESS MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN WHO FOUND OUT WHO SHE WAS AND DID IT ON PURPOSE

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: NO YOU CANNOT STILL HANG OUT WITH THEIR PARTNER WHO YOU NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH AND ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS KIND OF COOL

THE DRINK ONLY GOES SO FAR

YOU HAVE TO ESTABLISH SOME BOUNDARIES SOMETIME

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: OUR ETHICALLY SOURCED PASSIONFRUIT FLAVOUR COMES INCLUDES GUARANINE, GINKGO, AND ZERO PERCENT CHANCE OF REALIZING NOW THAT YOU’RE ADULTS THAT YOUR FRIEND GREW UP WITH WAY MORE MONEY THAN YOU AND DOESN’T APRECIATE IT ENOUGH

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: NO CHAINS, NO CEMENT BLOCKS, NO BAGGAGE HANGING FROM YOUR WEARY NECK BECAUSE SOCIETY TOLD YOU LOYALTY WAS EVERYTHING

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: YOU FELT IT HAPPENING ANYWAY BUT NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO WONDER EACH YEAR ON THEIR BIRTHDAY IF YOU SHOULD TEXT THEM ONE LAST TIME

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: ITS OK

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: ITS GOING TO BE OK

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: YOU WILL FEEL OK AGAIN

*

*

*

Inspired by Daniel Lavery's LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK

[local-ragamuffin]

I’m in a weird spot right now.

Yesterday was my last day in a program that I’ve been in for four years. They taught me a lot about independent living, how to look for a job, and even gave me a chance to be a leader within the community during my last year. I’m sad that it’s over, but I recognize staying wouldn’t give me anything new. I have to look to what’s next.

But uh… what’s next? I’m still looking for work, and until I can land a job I don’t have any structure in my day anymore. This coming week, my therapist is out of town so I don’t get to talk about it in therapy, which I realized today might be a bad thing because this is affecting me a lot more than I thought it would. It’s on me to create my own structure in my daily life now.

I barely got any sleep last night and I think that’s because of the realization that I am more adult and still don’t have a job, still feel like I’m floating through existence. It doesn’t help that I had an existential crisis a couple weeks ago as a result of thinking a little too much about death after going to a tombstone unveiling.

I don’t… know what comes next. Or, I do, I just don’t know how much longer it’ll take to get there. I really want to get there as soon as possible because if I don’t, I know I’ll just keep feeling like I’m just floating through existence, trying my best at everything and never getting rewarded for my efforts.

I want to talk to my friends I know outside of the internet. I feel fucking horrible for not reaching out more (or like… at all) and that keeps driving me away from reaching out for some reason, but I think if I just… tried more, maybe I could get somewhere. I just need to find the energy and motivation to try, even when I don’t have it. Pushing myself to do things has always been difficult, but I need to push myself even more now that I’m out of the program that I’ve relied on for the past four years.

It feels weird posting on tumblr again. I don’t know why. I think tumblr gets overwhelming sometimes and I associate it with a lot of things now, and Discord is easier but also I still want to post on here? Everything is just… so fucking weird right now.

[vannahmontannah]

“How do I deal with rejection? I’m dealing with a lot of rejection right now,”

“Well, I mean if no one wants you, then you’re free, right?”

“That was such a fucking ignorant response. I don’t wanna be free. I wanna be loved and comforted,”

“You have your family for that,”

“Talking to you is like talking to a fucking wall. A brick cement one at that!” She rolled her eyes and walked off.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

“To find a fucking real ass therapist!”

“Wait, wait, wait! Come back!”

“What?”

“Look…I know what I’m saying is vague and blatantly ridiculous, but…dealing with rejection is hard. I know because I was right there in your shoes. Yes, I was young every girl I came across just wouldn’t give me the chance. No matter how much I’ve grown and matured, it continued. The only real way to deal with it, I’d suggest better your mind and mental energy for you. I put my mind on things I enjoyed to do and even went back to things I stopped doing. It never hurts to alter your appearance like wear something nice and look presentable. The number one rule is to always be yourself. I don’t care what the situation may be. Be yourself! If you don’t, you’re not authentic,”

“But they don’t care about that!” She sniffed.

“Someone will! Someone will! We have all the women in the world altering their bodies for a man who doesn’t give a rats ass about them not realizing the miles these women go! It’s not healthy. Sure, they get surgery for their insecurities, but it’s always for the male gaze. Taking rejection is one of the most humbling and horrible experiences ever. Just take that rejection, and come back a new person. Guaranteed they will come back,”

“How come it’s easy for a man to move on and not us?”

“Well…men just do what they wanna do. Sometimes, the person they were with…they weren’t happy with them to begin with. Some just move on quicker than others and take it differently. I know sometimes women may think they were the problem, but a lot of times ya aren’t,”

“I just feel like I’m only stuck with guys from the past who come back. And sure it’s fun and all but…we never go anywhere as far like dating. We talk like a couple but it doesn’t progress,”

“Well, you don’t have to allow it. It’s just lust at the end of the day. If they wanted too, they would. I’m sorry you feel unwanted. It can be depressing and hard to deal with. What is not for you will go away. You don’t have to feel stuck on the same people. You can do things to feel better about yourself fly like a butterfly. You’re not ugly. You’re not dumb. You are fun to hang out with and have a versatile personality. And sure, you can change your appearance, but it’s all about how you are in the inside,”

“When will they see it?”

“When they want too. Can’t force anyone to see how much of a wonderful person you are. It never works that way,”

“I just don’t wanna be alone, you know? I’m sick of people telling me that I don’t need a man and to focus on myself. And I know I don’t, but I want. Like I’m straight. I have my own everything and still working on some things. But, I want finally say I got what I wanted and not what I needed. I’ve had come across people I didn’t wanna let go, but they let me go. Watching someone you wanted to be with give someone else the world is devastating…”

“I know. I understand exactly what you’re saying. But you can’t look at that think that’s the end. It’s never the end. You have to go on and live for you look forward. Like I said before, it’s taking forever, I know…but they will come,”

“Just don’t wanna settle for someone I don’t like, you know,”

“And you don’t have too. They may seem to always come, but it’s up to you to give them a chance. Its going to come around,”

“I guess so. But the next time I get rejected, I’m fighting,”

“Let’s not do that,”

[phoenix-angel-suyari]

Y'all, I can't

I know we've all heard me say this before, but I literally cannot handle this anymore. My medical team have flat out told me I need to seriously destress. It's too much for my body.

I'm bleeding internally and have been for months now. They know this because my blood tests keep coming up more anemic than the last, my white blood cell levels are high, and other fluid checks keep turning up the presence of blood. I have had every fucking test over the last three months and they can't find the bleed. Waiting on camera results from like two weeks ago. Which is fun. I want them to find something to fix. I explained to my therapist and my psychiatrist that not having something to fight makes this whole process worse.

Not that I need something else to fight. But, it'd fucking help to know what's happening.

I've lost all interest in food. Literally, want nothing to do with it. I eat because I have to eat so I can maintain my blood sugar levels and for meds. But, even that takes so much energy. I just end up eating whatever feels less likely to make me sick just thinking about it, then adapt to account for what is and is not available in the house. Why has food become my enemy? Who the fuck knows. My medical team sure as hell doesn't.

I'm losing weight, but I have weight to spare, so that's not the worst. No, it's the fact that I've had DEPRESSION hair healthier than whatever the fuck's going on rn. I'm EXHAUSTED all the time. Literally every major organ is pulling some bullshit. I am on meds for all the things. But, meds alone can't fix what's going on. As every medical professional on my roster has gone on and on about. Repeatedly. Like I don't get it. Like I'm not trying. Like it's in any way achievable in the place I'm currently mired in.

My family, of course, remains stubbornly, willfully, intractably ignorant of my situation and my pleas despite me literally, explicitly stating that I cannot keep on like this.

I can't work because of organ complications. No work means no money. No money means having to negotiate and sacrifice and just go without for stretches sometimes. I have exactly .5 in my bank account and that's going to end up negative sometime this week. Yet, I'm still expected to care for young children, attend to older children, clean a house that is not mine and care for an ailing aunt with rapid onset aggressive alzheimer's/dementia. All for no pay, no compensation, no thanks and nothing but grief and harassment when I literally cannot scrape enough energy together to completely push through all my own shit and attend to everyone else and their needs/wants/desires. Everything I do is not the right thing, naturally. And everyone has SOMETHING to say about the state of my health and/or life (especially the lack thereof) while offering zero actual assistance or support - even emotionally, even just by being available. I keep getting bullshit like, "Well, what're you gonna do?" And, "What do you want me to tell you?" And, "You just have to take it and move on."

Three years of straight therapy working to not do that. Three years of therapy growing strong enough to not just give in and to tell people no and a whole host of other things, and now more of this shit. My new therapist is worthless for this kind of stuff. Have a new psychiatrist because my last one left. I am so fucking touch starved I feel sick over any physical contact that isn't with someone too young to care for themselves or an animal. And despite me constantly asking for something, anything all I get is ignored or gaslit or attacked.

There's nothing left for me to attempt for stress relief. I spend most of my time doom scrolling on tik tok because it's the only space that feels in any way engaging or relaxing any more. And I have all this drive to change things, but no way to actually see any, let alone all of it to fruition.

All this to say, my stress levels are incredibly high. I am not okay by any stretch of imagination or definition of the word. And at the rate I'm going, I will probably die from it before anything else happens. Which, btw, is not me being dramatic. That's straight out of several medical professionals mouths. Provided, of course, I do not do a hard reset, which, yeah.

Anyway. Just needed to rant for a bit. Thanks anyone who made it this far. I appreciate you.

[stellerssong]

what monster would you turn kiran estavez into, given the chance?

GREAT QUESTION. SEXY QUESTION. QUESTION THAT i have to think about in more depth honestly because i am still finding my way into Kiran Estevez's character. she has a grounded enough energy that she might be the Token Human tbh, especially if i were to hypothetically take the route of creechuring Saga. and i think Saga creechurs a little more intuitively. she could be a great half-whatever-the-fuck-Jesse-and-Dylan-were-in-that-one-control-creechurfic-i-did-way-back-when. i think she would look very beautiful with a variable number of eyes and also a tail.

well that was a terrible answer to that question. as a forfeit please enjoy my attempts to find my way into Kiran Estevez's character:

She dreamed about Maya last night. Kiran groans, hitches up the scratchy motel sheet, spits out a stray hank of hair. Sticky-foul taste of one too many beers on the back of her tongue. That’s what she gets for letting the old crew from Investigations take her out for drinks on what’s technically a work night. Her tolerance has gone to shit. She doesn’t go out drinking around Bright Falls much; something about a small-town bar full of good ol’ local boys rubs her the wrong way, for obvious reasons, and she’s not so textbook that she’s going to spend her evenings sitting around alone in the thin-walled apartment that still doesn’t feel like hers after seven years, a bottle of Jack in her hand and some skin flick playing in grainy Technicolor on pay-per-view. She can almost hear Maya laughing at that. How well-adjusted of you, baby. Tell your therapist about it next week. Maybe she’ll give you a good grade. Funny joke. As if the Bureau retained staff therapists for its agents. Just thinking about the potential confidentiality breaches gives Kiran a headache. Though, to be fair, that might be the mild hangover. And she dreamed about Maya last night. Right. She’d almost forgotten. Or maybe she wanted to forget. She rolls over on the lumpy mattress with a sigh, blinks at the battered desk and threadbare chair in the corner. (Doesn’t let her hand drift over to the empty spot in the bed, to the other pillow unmarked by the indent of a sleeper’s head.) It hadn’t been a bad dream. They’d been shopping together, or something. Maya couldn’t find her list and had wanted to go home to get it, even though Kiran had insisted she knew what they needed. She’d driven off and left Kiran standing in the parking lot with the shopping cart. And then it had started to rain. Phantom sensation of cold water soaking into her socks, squish-squashing in her sodden boots. They’d probably make something of that down in Parapsychology, but, like—fuck Parapsychology. Sometimes a dream’s not a message from the Astral Plane or extradimensional intelligences or what the fuck ever. Sometimes a dream’s just a sign that you’ve got to get the fuck out of New York. God, she hates that she’s even thinking this, but she’s got to get the fuck out of New York. At a certain point you can’t keep blaming the cheap beer for your maudlin turn.

[lowkeyclueless5137]

Actually, can I ask how exactly what it was like for the omnitrix users as kids to first discover the Omnitrix and uses its to actually do something with it? This applies for all routes

I have 2 asks with this here and here

For Kalim and Epel, Yuu comes in later as more of a tuturor. Same outlandish backgrounds and same wine aunt energy. :3

Now for the particulars:

Riddle absolutely didn't know what his mom signed him up for. Yuu was teaching him all kinds of martial arts, how to fight aliens, operating futuristic tech and weapon handling. There was a lot to learn, but Yuu had a reasonable schedule, nice food and actually Riddle was allowed to go outside and play with other kids in the city neighborhood (they were in another city so yep)

At one point, Yuu decides that it's time to move out of the country. Of course, Mrs Rosehearts showed no problem in taking Riddle too since it was 'for learning' and Yada Yada. The 2 end up in the city of flowers suburbs, a much less crowded city, where it's quiet enough so Yuu can properly train Riddle, now with the omnitrix to boot.

At first, the redhead was scared, but Yuu was trustable and didn't do anything to harm him up until now, so there more calmness in the situation. Everything is more controlled and overall Riddle ends up enjoying his new ability and for granted wants to use it to do a lot of good with it.

We befriend Rollo in here too! :D

Now for Kalim. At first, he and Jamil were curious lil kiddos who wanted to absolutely poke and play around with the device. Even if it was latched to Kalim's wrist.

Cue new tutor Yuu coming through. Tutoring both of them all kinds of stuff. Later on Yuu reveals that they actually trained Kalim how to use the omnitrix and fight, while Jamil on how to handle Kalim and other various aliens.

Epel has a more direct approach with Yuu. Yuu tells him point blank because how else are they gonna make this lil mf to listen to them??? The training is Epel's favourite activity since he hopes it could help him become buff in his normal form.

In here, the reason Yuu came in a bit later is because this was a small village and Yuu needed to get some land, build a nice house, establish a farm hustle and put up good with the villagers before they could take in Epel for tutoring. During that, Epel makes it his personal mission to fuck around in the woods as different aliens. Oh he's having the time of his life. :'3

And last, but not least, Idia. Yuu coming out clean and everything made things so much easier. STIX would keep the omnitrix hidden and secure and Yuu could worry less about finding a suitable wearer.

But even so, the Shroud brothers are catching Yuu's attention, especially Idia. At first Idia was the wary one, always trying to pose as a wall in between Yuu and the very excited Ortho. Idia did warm up a bit later after a lot of hanging out and wild stories, but Yuu saw that potential and deemed the kid as suitable.

Cue the incident. With Idia immediately down and ready to protect his lil bro from either Phanthoms or the aliens, Yuu decides to have a more 'spontaneous' class. Idia was already familiar with the concept of the omnitrix and how it worked in theory, yet still he wasn't that prepared in the art of fighting nor was he used to having any significant and sudden body change. Yuu thankfully was there to aid him through it.

Idia still feels guilty about Ortho losing his arm, but at least his brother was alive and mostly flesh and blood. So his grief is mostly short-lived, also bc of Yuu playing the therapist role.

After that, Idia has to go through a lot of training. And overall he gets pretty good at it, but still keeps his PE scores as bearly passing at school so that no one would question him.

[sonyadance]

Travels and Dancing 21

To start the New Year, I had the chance to spend a weekend with a group of beautiful women doing energy work in a chalet in the Laurentians.   I needed that reset and what a reset!  Wow!  I am forever grateful to everybody I’ve met on my energy work journey in the last 12 years, for all the help, the community, and the work towards an upward spiral, fighting entropy and darkness.  Then I had the honor of going to teach in a beautiful small community not too far from Montreal called Sherbrooke.  I love weekend workshops.  The fact that it is one straight line, no running around between judging, workshops, privates, shows, is one of the advantages; but what I really like is that you follow one or two group for an entire weekend.  You can see them develop together, there are generally more questions being asked because people get to connect and feel safer, there is a theme for the weekend that is always fun for me to create.  I had a beautiful welcome, great workshops and an amazing teacher’s training (which I also loooove to teach) with great teacher’s brains: everybody was asking the right questions, working hard on the art of diagnosing and enjoying themselves.  Future Westies of Sherbrooke, you are in good hands!

I was then invited to come teach for the first time in the community of Waterloo, Ontario.  A baby community of only 2 years old, which the leader, Mikaela Lewis, managed to grow in a way I haven’t seen before.  I have traveled around the world witnessing how wcs develops and, yes, there might be a part we can attribute to timing (wcs being really popular right now, thanks to all our colleagues that are pushing the social media market with IG and TT), but there is just an approach that she has to building that I think she could sell for a lot of money!  It was a beautiful weekend, filled with workshops of various levels, privates and dancing… I think 160 people showed up at the Saturday night dance.  Have you ever seen that after only two years of wcs existing in a town?

It is now the beginning of February of a really mild winter (secret and guilty thank you to global warming) and I am heading towards Philadelphia to practice with one of my partner.  I get there a bit late on Friday, plane delays as usual, and we have a great practice into the night.  The next morning, we wake, head towards the studio, start practicing, and… I mess up my neck.  Fuck.  Let’s say that I haven’t had the best run with health in the last year.  Is it the trauma of what happened last March?  An addition of all the health things I didn’t take care of until now because I felt young and invincible?  Yeah, that sounds about right.  We try to find someone to see me asap so my neck doesn’t freeze for longer than it needs to, I end up going to the massage therapist and babying it all weekend, but we couldn’t get much done.  I am not really good at dealing with health stuff that doesn’t go my way.  It makes me feel powerless and everything I do relies on my body… so I was really disappointed about investing in a plane ticket, time and energy in going to Philadelphia to get as much rehearsal as possible, for my body to say: No.  Thank god my partner is one of the chillest person I know, it helps calm me down and not add catastrophizing thoughts on top of the reality and be able to observe the facts a bit clearly.  Still shitty.

I got some osteopathic treatment when I got home so I’d be able to teach the next weekend.  Québec city it is with the amazing Nelson!  I have mentioned it before in one of the Travels and Dancing, but I love Nelson so much.  There is just an underlying level of trust that I’ve never had with anybody in dancing before (except Stephen for routines, I would have trusted him with my life), that helps us create... anything and everything!  Every time we finish dancing we are like:

- Oh my god!  That was so nice what you did! 

- I didn’t do anything.  What you did was amazing!

- I didn’t do anything either!

Lolll.  We know it now and we understand it is thanks to the immense trust we have between us as human beings first and then as dancers.  So when people ask me, I always try to have Nelson hired along side me.  We taught some workshops together, some individually, did a demo and danced with the beautiful westies there.  Thank you Québec for the amazing weekend!

Next weekend was Sacramento for Capitol Swing.  My first time at this event.  I have heard about the NorCal vs SoCal friendly feud before and I must say, I am definitely NorCal!  I found the people to be so nice and welcoming, just a bit more of a relaxed and true atmosphere than events I’ve been at in SoCal.  Nothing bad, just a difference in vibes.  It’s like if you ask: is Madjam or a chalet type of event better?  Neither.  What do you like?  Do you like big lights, want to be inspired by the best shows in the world and de surrounded by hundreds of people during the social dance or does this overwhelms you and you prefer to have an intimate atmosphere where you can create connections, have the time to dance with most of the attendees and have smaller group workshops?  I don’t think there is a better one, just what you prefer, want and need at this moment in time.  So I would suggest, before booking an event, you inquire about the general vibes and set up of it, and you take a minute to look inside of yourself and check what is best going to suit your path right now.  So Capitol was one of the best ran event I’ve attended, beautiful attention to detail.  I really like Ben and Cameo McHenry’s minds, they are always trying to push the envelop with ideas that follows what they value in dance.  I particularly liked the Champion’s choice Strictly.  The idea was that a Champion asks an All-Star of their choice whom they’d like to dance with, to do Strictly with them.  It was fun to see different pairings than the usual Champions Strictly.  I had a blast dancing with Keerigan. 

Stephen and I did our routine again for the first time since the Open.  We trained, social danced, met new people, it was awesome… until my flight back.  Worse epic I’ve been on. Loll  It started with an 11pm overnight flight and it ended up with, delay, sitting on the tarmac until 3am, returning to the hotel, sleeping for 3 hours, going back to the airport for a pushed back 2pm flight on which they couldn’t find my seat, trying to fix that at check-in for an hour, getting on the plane, getting deplaned again for a 4p, departure, getting so late at my layover that there was no other flight to Montreal for that day, sleeping at the hotel, a total of 48 hours in airport with a 45$ voucher for food (imagine the feast you get for 6 meals at an airport with ALL of that money), missing a day of work, loosing a bunch of money, getting home to sleep a bit and start working the next day.  Loll  Not my best run.  I am still waiting for compensation for that flight, my case number is currently 64 308 in line.

I was finally home for a weekend, which was my birthday weekend!  First birthday in Montreal in 13 years.  Yes!!!!  I was so happy to be able to spend that time with my friends and family.  One of my best friend lend me his apartment so I could invite my friends from school, dance, family members and have a joyous melting pot.  I also had my handsome boyfriend with me all weekend and everything felt perfect!  Thank you so much again to everybody that took the time to come and spend time with me: it means a lot.

Can you believe I had two weekends at home without working (well, still taught some privates and did online work, cause work never ends…) in March?  It felt really good to rest, see my people and finally spend time with my partner.  Time is a bit restricted when one of you works a 9 to 5 and the other one, 4 to 10 and is gone on weekends.  One of the reason I came back to Montreal is also because it is where there is the highest concentration of people I love, but I am never available at the same time as everybody to hang out, so this is something I am trying to change and establish: make enough money at home that I don’t have to go away 4 weekends a month to eat, 2 would be perfect cause I still love and want to do it!!!

I taught an intermediate competition intensive in Montreal and it went amazingly well!  Better than what I could have envisioned.  The concept is to have one for each level of WSDC competition, four hours with a really small group of people (maximum 6 leads and 6 follows) who are currently competing at that level and want a better understanding of what the judges are looking at at that level, the difference between a prelim and a final (until now pretty standard), but then receive individual attention to understand what they need to work on in order to get yeses or place.  I put my judges hat on to help them see what pieces are missing that could give a judge a reason to give them a no, then I give them drills to practice so when they get to their next competition the judges don’t have a quick justification for a no.  Again, it always depends on who’s competing around you, but your job is to make me work so I have trouble leaving you out of the finals.  The students were happy, the teacher was happy, it was a great weekend!

Then I was waiting for Aaron to get to Montreal to practice, but… he wrote me to say that they got delayed.  My first reaction after the Sacramento debacle was: oh no… hopefully it’s not as bad.  It wasn’t.  For the traveler, but they got delayed so bad and had to get rebooked.  The soonest flight he could get rebooked on was for the Sunday night and he had to leave Monday morning.  So that fell through, but!  He managed to rebook for the following week so we had a day to practice before heading to BTO Open!  It was Aaron’s first Canadian event.  I think he enjoyed it. ;-)

BTO was really great this year.  A bit smaller than the previous year if I’m not mistaking, maybe due to the fact that Boston Tea Party resuscitated!  Ayo!  So between Madjam, BTP and BTO, it was a lot in a month for the eastern Canadian westie community.  We did have a crew from Calgary come over, cheer and be absolutely awesome for the weekend, alongside the Toronto, Québec, Ottawa, Montréal, London, Waterloo westies, and more!  My boyfriend came Friday night and saw me dance live for the first time in the Invitational.  I was so excited, but then I couldn’t see him in the crowd when we got on the dancefloor and I thought for some reason he had left!  I looked like a kid looking for their parents in the crowd. Loll  I did put on a show, and obviously, he was still in the room and loved it!  Hihi!!  The Inivational with Philippe Berne was fun, the strictly with Nelson was smooth, and the Pro Show with Nelson was probably my favorite performance of my lifetime.  I taught an advanced workshop with a new concept about shaping and shifting that was really well received, a novice workshop that had a big impact on their dancing, and a strictly tune-up that was really fun.  It was a really filled and fulfilling weekend!

My family was kind enough to postpone Easter dinner for a week so I could join in my “weekend in town” of the month.  It felt so good to see everybody and way too short.  I also had the chance to meet a side of my boyfriend’s family I hadn’t met before and enjoy a long and delicious day/meal.

Then came the Calgary Dance Stampede.  I was supposed to compete in my first country ProPro division, but… life had other plans.  In my entire adult life, of teaching and performing dance, I had never cancelled anything related to work.  Well, one time in Germany, I was in pain for what I didn’t know is what I am awaiting surgery for, and I had to forgo the social dance.  I need gallbladder removal surgery, I am on the wait list, but that can be a really long wait in the Quebec health system, I have been mostly doing fine with just a few crisis here and there.  Until the end of March, I started being in pain 100% of the time.  Not the worse, but about a 5/10, just enough to slowly sap away your energy.  But when I was on the plane to Calgary, I had a horrendous crisis (I was wondering if I should ask them to land the plane) and by the time I landed, I was livid.  I had to find a doctor, get pain medication and managed to teach and judge, but I didn’t have the energy to compete or perform.  I really hope this can get resolved quickly.  Actually, as I am writing this, I have had my first day without pain for a month and I just now realize how much of a difference it makes on my life force.  Besides that, the event was purely magical.  There is something about the country side that is so relax, just a culture I love, that, mixed with wcs, creates a delicious cocktail.  So I had a great time even through all that.

Coming back to Montreal, I cancelled everything non work related so I could conserve energy for that: I can’t stop working now, cause I’ll have to stop working for a month after surgery, so as a self-employed worker, you have to come up with a way to make up for that loss.  So I’m working pain or no pain (mostly pain).  In 2020, I had booked a holotropic breath work retreat with an ex.  As you can imagine, it got cancelled, and I got credited for it.  Years went by and I couldn’t find a retreat on a weekend I wasn’t working and that was close enough for me to drive to… until!  I saw this Chester, Connecticut retreat.  So I booked it.  Four years in the making et voilà!  One of the agreement of the retreat is one of confidentiality about what happens during the weekend, because it is really intimate and vulnerable for most attendees, so I will keep it brief.  It was intense.  I don’t think someone could understand it by just having it described to them: you really have to live it to know it.  And even then, I feel like I don’t know anything about it, that I just dipped my toe in the world of holotropic breath work.  I drove six hours on Thursday to get there in time to check-in and register, we then had an opening circle which was really beautiful and set the tone for a safe, open and vulnerable weekend.  A delicious dinner was served, followed by a preparation workshop so we could be ready for what was going to happen during the weekend (we weren’t… or at least, I wasn’t even with all the talk), and we went to bed early.  My roommate was a blast, we talked and giggled every night before bed.  Friday came with the first three hour session where I was one of the breathers.  My god.  Yep.  That’s it.  30m integration, 1h lunch break, and we were at it again interchanging roles; I was then a sitter for one of the breathers.  My god.  Yep.  1h integration, 1h dinner, and sharing circle.  Everybody went to bed early because we were all absolutely trashed.  Saturday came with the same schedule, except that my partner and I exchanged breathing times.  The guesthouse lit up a ceremonial fire for earth day and some of us went out with a guitar, a harmonica, our voices and a lot of enthusiasm.  It was a great night.  We had a closing circle Sunday and a talk about integration.  I hugged everybody before hitting the road for an exquisite 6h of silence and personal debriefing.  I will have to make another article about this weekend at some point so the readers can understand something of it, but I need more time to integrate and make sure I express things in a way that is respectful to everybody and doesn’t disclose anything that shouldn’t be.

Anyways, thank you for reading until here if you did.  I don’t know who you are, but I’m sending you little particles of love and patience towards yourself.  See you next time!

[gentletomatoe]

Birthday: 6/19/2002

Horoscope: gemini

Fav colors: pink, black , sage green

Hobbies: reading, journaling, volunteering, listening to podcasts, occasional poetry writing, listening to music, thrifting , crocheting , & occasionally hate watching bad lifetime movies

Music genres: R&B, alternative , rap, pop, I like punk rock too

Fav artists: Tyler the creator, Mac miller , kali uchis , jcole , chief keef , gorillaz, summer walker, frank ocean , SZA , MJ, the smiths , young nudy , erykah badu

Fav movies : 10 things I hate about you , 13 going on 30 , legally blonde , kill bill , almost any Robert deniro or Quentin Tarantino film, cute Pixar movies , also A24 movies ( p.s I’m a horror movie fanatic)

Video games : harvest moon, Mario kart, tekken, final fantasy , street fighter , marvel vs capcom , fashion games , dbz

Tv shows : breaking bad , shameless , new girl , bojack horseman, probably any cartoon , SpongeBob fs , gossip girl , the sopranos , sex & the city

Fashion : simple , hyper feminine , skater culture , some punk/Y2K influence , 1990’s sears catalogs , minimalism , a touch of masculine pieces & some cottagecore lol

Dream cars : Porsche or g wagon or a vintage corvette ( in reality I want to have a black jeep ) lowkey I want a Volkswagen tho

Dream job: entrepreneur , pediatric nurse , BCBA, licensed therapist

Interests : makeup , stocks , books , animals , music , fashion , nature , YouTube videos about interesting stuff

Fav physical activity : hiking or yoga , I occasionally run

Comfort drinks : iced cold brew w vanilla sweet cream , iced matcha latte w boba or taro boba , raspberry arizona teas , lemon ginger tea , champagne or sweet wine , coconut redbull

Comfort foods : sushi , poke bowls , chicken wings , pizza , Mac & cheese , salads , cheese fries , crab legs , curry , butter chicken , Greek food, I could actually go on but also grilled cheese w tomato soup

Fav desserts: cheesecake , brownies , pecan pie , soft serve ice cream or sundaes , sour straws , gelato , icees

Personality traits : observant , goofy , joyful , humble , sweet , bold , smart , sarcastic , reserved

Character flaws: broken humor , I lose interest in others fast , I deem myself as “too much” , also “too nice” but I’m working on it , laughs In serious moments , can he either too withdrawn or too childish no in between

Description: hourglass figure , 5’6, fair-olive skin , button nose , big eyes , arched brows , dimples , soft features, thicc , I have a pretty cute smile >:)

Ethnicity : I’m pretty much white but moms side is Puerto Rican with a little bit of Filipino & Spaniard & dads side is completely white , French & English maybe Irish too ? Idrk I think I have an identity crisis on whether I’m Hispanic or not every other day so we’ll just go with white lol

Places you might find me : the thrift store , the book store , ulta , a park , the nearest boba shop , nature trails , the beach , animal shelter or my job

Likes : sanrio , makeup , memes , good music , $, podcasts , squishmallows , my cats , nature like a beach or river , pink , sweets , genuine people , honesty/unfiltered energy , spirituality & philosophy , the color green

Dislikes : rats both types , capitalism, bugs , dishonesty , tension , envious energy, the patriarchy lol , being lied or deceived , false media , clout chasers

I’m most likely to .. be extremely loyal to loved ones , take on care giving roles , take initiative and make decisions on my own , perform kind acts , show transparency, put a disrespectful person in their mf place , celebrate other’s accomplishments.

I’m least likely to .. break promises , talk down on others , be envious , engage in negative conversations, give into shallow mindsets , snitch bc fuck snitches lol.

Wants : commercial property, a pair of manolos , more tattoos , and a good sandwich ( maybe a loving partner & family in the future)

Needs: a long hug, a good education, a good career , a vacation out the country

Dream house : a ranch style house or villa styled house , if it’s out the country I’d love some type of cottage

Dream life : I always wanted to make passive income & work a job where I help others , I hope one day I get to experience motherhood with a loving husband by my side , the funds to support a soft life , to travel every once & a while

Relationship status : in love with myself / a cat lady

[polyamorousduckie]

A Lot Has Changed

It's been 2 years since my last post, and I've been doing a lot of things to try and take care of myself.

B and I moved in with her partner and we all bought a house together. And made our living wills together. And our power of attorney together. And started a business together.

I got to do a play that was a bucket list item. It was... tumultuous, but we all made it through. So much went wrong with that show. Not the way I wanted to end my acting career (as far as I know it).

I ended up dating someone for a little while. It was... meh. She was someone who wanted to be chased, but didn't really want to do anything apart from go out to eat and come home and get laid. Granted, the sex was fun, but I started feeling uncomfortable when she told me she had a breeding kink. Children are for NO with me. And she wasn't willing to put in the same effort I was in the relationship, because she was more interested in vibes and smoking. The last time we spoke, she was complaining to me that she had to get on Tinder. You know, instead of talking to me. Whatever.

After that, I got really dark. The spiraling thoughts were taking me to bad places. I couldn't do right at work, I couldn't do right at home. I eventually got in to see a good therapist. She's been working with me through CBT and just recently EMDR therapy. I've been making really good strides.

I'm also in a cantata for Christmas. It feels good to sing again.

But I'm lonely. What else is new, right? This is different, though.

At this point, I'm not feeling a longing for anyone. I miss being around my friends, but there's no one I want to have as more than that. It hasn't been for a lack of trying. I've been trying to get together with some people to see if I have some kind of feeling for them, and there's just... nothing. I think it's because between work and our business, I don't feel like I have time for anything else. I have to do my part to keep the business going.

But something in me has just... turned off. It's different than before, where whenever I started having feelings for someone, I'd be self-destructive and come up with reasons why they wouldn't be interested in me. Now... I take a look at others and just have no interest, or no interest in trying to have an interest. Whenever I've tried, I come up with reasons why I SHOULDN'T even try. "This one has kids and needs to find themself again" or "this one needs to grow the fuck up and learn how to support themselves" or "I am NOT about to be someone's first/rebound/savior".

Maybe it's because I'm trying to take care of myself. Maybe it's a form of hypervigilance. Maybe because of where I live, I'm tired of saying I'm polyamorous and people being immediately afraid that I'm hitting on them. Maybe I'm just getting older and I'm tired of the chase.

But on the flip side, I've lost touch with so many people. I don't get to talk to that many people these days. My days are in the office where it's too quiet and hardly anyone talks to me unless they want me to do something, or I come home and spend a couple of hours with the family before everyone goes to their separate rooms and I'm all alone again. I don't go out much. I don't drink much anymore, so bars are more or less out now. When I do go see a show or go to the symphony, I either take B or I take my best friend. And sometimes, if they're not available, I end up going by myself. And hardly anyone watches my streams anymore, so it's hard to get the energy to be just another fat white bearded guy on the internet playing video games.

It is what it is, I guess.

[neverluckygoldfish]

27 -

Life creeps up on you - I’ve slipped back into it and have gotten a little disconnected from my greater She.

Too much worrying about the future & unknowns, caught up in trying to control it. True, there have been a ton of changes in the past few weeks and there are more still to come (hello big cross state move in two weeks!!).

I feel a little numb. Also I’m on welly b and let me tell you that the increase in anxiety is so REAL. I feel on edge and a sense of foreboding. I haven’t slept for more than 4-5 hours a night in weeks. And those hours are spent tossing and turning. I keep waking up in panic mode, having nightmares. But we just adjusted the dosage so hopefully things improve. They have to.

With that being said, I recently hit 60 days of sobriety. I barely even acknowledged it because we were busy flying back and had gotten some really awful news that day. In fact, I’ve felt more of a craving to drink. But I don’t want to start the clock over and that keeps me going.

I feel stressed. And I don’t know how to let it go. It’s just sitting in my chest, heavy and tight.

The hospital slammed me with a $35k bill for 3 days because that’s our healthcare system. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m going to manage that seeing as I’m unemployed and living off of savings. But I’m allowing the fear and stress to enter me and sitting with it. What will it show me?

Part of me feels like I’m going to implode. Like I’m teetering at the edge of a cliff.

I tend to focus on the negative - negativity bias, I think it’s called. I’m always searching for something to fix within myself, my life. And I’ve stopped prioritizing my mental wellness.

Once I get something down, I move on quickly to the next thing. Before I know it, I’m eating skittles for breakfast / not drinking water / feeling tightness in my chest / ignoring meals / pulling out my hair / unable to sleep all over again. I need to give these things time to form habits that will actually stick.

Blame ADHD and the dopamine rush lol

So a gentle reminder for me to pause, slow down, focus on the good because I have so much to be thankful for.

Gratitude list:

My rock, my life partner, my best friend - my husband. Our love is full of understanding, compassion, trust, laughter, kindness, honesty & affection. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Life dreams. We are moving to the PNW in two weeks! It’s really happening. I’ve dreamed of living there (maybe romanticized it a little lol and no, not because of twilight *rolls eyes*) my whole life and now I am doing it!

My body. It’s not as skinny as it was but that is a good thing. I have been waging war against it - filling it with poison, not supplying its essential needs, neglecting it. But it stays true to me and has not let me down health wise even through addiction. I have more energy these days and my thinking isn’t so cloudy.

Therapy. Having access to therapy & finding a good therapist is a privilege.

My mom. We don’t agree and she drives me nuts. But truly, she wants me to be happy and although overbearing at times, she protects me and anchors me.

Friends - I have some really good people in my life. I must not be so terrible as I think I am in my head if so many people love me LOL. But I have friends who have shown me grace and understanding as I try to navigate who I am now.

Recovery. I’ve been sober and am committed to staying sober. What a beautiful blessing and something I used to think was totally impossible.

Good food. Been cooking my own meals with loads of veggies and fruit - let me tell you that quality makes a difference. I firmly believe in a holistic approach to healing, not just taking a pill and calling it good.

Haven’t felt much of a desire to journal. Have spent way too much time trolling social media and it’s slowly having an impact. Pulling me back into the black, the space of self-loathing and hopelessness.

So I am making some changes. Going back to the basics. To be continued I suppose.

[readingiskeepingmegoing]

OK buckle in, cos you know I've been taking notes. This whole chapter had me kicking my feet and squealing with glee!

Here we go...

His sweet temperament and eagerness to learn didn’t help the situation. His puppy dog eyes and golden-retriever energy made it hard to not like him.

There were times when his large brown orbs would look up at me through his lashes because he was unsure about something, and it would literally take my breath away.

There is no escaping the puppy eyes Kat. Accept your fate now, it will be so much easier for you 😆

I could hear Dieter laughing loudly in the back near the fitting area as one of the tailors, who I didn’t know, came to the front and told the costume coordinator behind the desk to update Dieter’s measurements because his shoulders were too broad for what they had put him in, causing him to pop a button off the shirt already. A look passed between the two women that said they were clearly smitten with the actor.

Goddamm, those shoulders are lethal!

His broad shoulders, toned chest, and sculpted arms were now seared into my brain. He had a slim waist but was a little soft around the middle. I found it to be more attractive than Alec’s overly chiseled abs. Yeah, I’m definitely going to hell.

That right there! That's the point of no return. When you realise you want the tummy instead of the abs.

He glanced over at Dieter and reached his hand out to introduce himself as my “soon to be husband”. Oh…it’s because of Dieter. He’s getting territorial. For fucks sake.

Dick move Alec! But that tracks seeing as he is in fact a massive dick!

“Dieter, we’ve talked about your aversion to intimacy before. I think that’s where this is coming from. I don’t know much about ballroom dancing, but I do know it involves a lot of intimacy and you are not used to that.” I shook my head, “But it’s not like that…it’s not sexual.” Not physically anyway…my thoughts are another story.

Oh bless him, telling fibs to his therapist and trying to convince himself at the same time.

Sure, I thought she was physically attractive and normally that alone would’ve been enough for me to pursue her for sex. Aside from the fact that she was taken, I actually didn’t want to ruin what we were potentially building for a quick roll in the sack. I wanted more. I enjoyed spending time with her, and she made me want to be better. I found myself wondering what it would be like to spend time with her outside of the dance studio - doing something as simple as getting lunch or stopping into a bookstore to find a book together that we could discuss after reading. I had never wanted something like that with someone. It was both scary and exciting.

Sweet boy! This is looking a lot like personal growth! Makes me proud 😘

A quiet moan escaped her lips causing little Bravo to involuntarily twitch in my pants. Fuck. That was hot.

And there we go!

I was giddy at the thought of spending time with her outside of rehearsals.

He's just too sweet. I can't!

“What about the plants? Why plants?” I chuckled, “I don’t fucking know. That’s a fairly new obsession. I guess…I like learning about them. They all have different needs. There’s something about watching them grow and thrive from the care I’m putting into them. They also add a little extra something��makes the house homier.” I shook my head and laughed. Geez, I sound ridiculous.

He wants to make a home! 🥹🥹 He's just growing as a person all over the place isn't he.

The way she moved her body was hypnotic and the way she looked at Alec was almost carnal. I couldn’t imagine her dancing like this with me. The thought of it made me dizzy and anxious. I wouldn’t be able to handle that level of emotion from her.

Give it a couple of weeks. Won't take long. Alec is gonna be tearing his hair out with jealous rage.

I couldn’t help the laugh that slipped between my lips as he started purring. This fucking cat. My arms slid around his small frame and cuddled him closer. I realized he felt a little boney under all that fur. I sighed louder this time, “I fucking knew this was gonna happen. You finally got me dude…come on.”

It was always going to happen! He is now also a cat dad! I think his caring side coming out with the plants and now the cat just shows what he is desperately craving for himself.

I don’t know what it is about Dieter, but I feel comfortable with him. Even though most people would probably call me crazy for it, I actually trust him. The realization hit me this morning after the production meeting. As I drove toward the dance studio, I made a conscious decision to build a friendship with him because I felt like he really needed it. Maybe we both did.

Oh yes! They both need this friendship, and they need each other 💜

Then my thoughts jumped to a shirtless Dieter from the day before. I suddenly felt that familiar throb between my thighs. Fucking hell, don’t go there Kat.

They are as bad as each other! 🤣 I feel like they are going to fight it for a while yet though.

He didn’t last long, and I got no satisfaction from it. When he was done, he got into the shower without a word.

Alec you really are a twat-waffle! And I dislike you greatly.

He again began whining through it. I had to appreciate that he didn’t make it awkward like most people did, but it was near impossible not to laugh at his dramatic behavior. We went through several more partner stretches, both of us trying to keep it together as his dramatics increased with each new stretch.

He raised an eyebrow at me, “I have loose hips?”

I chuckled, “Surprisingly, yes.”

He smirked, “I take it that’s a good thing?”

I nodded, smiling back at him, “It’s good for a lot of things.” I did not just say that.

Flirty banter. Love it, love it, LOVE IT!!!

As the week progressed and the dancing got more intense, Kat was going heavy on stretches to start the day. While it was torture, the partner stretches were quickly becoming one of my favorite things to do. I made sure to bust out the dramatics just to make her laugh. God, I loved hearing her laugh.

He's on the fast track to falling for Kat isn't he?

A short time after I got home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Kat had gone out of her way to come check on me. Most people wouldn’t bother to do that these days, not that I blamed them. I didn’t deserve anyone’s concern after the way I treated people when I was deep in my addiction.

🥺 it breaks my heart that he thinks that. Someone needs to give this sweet angel cuddle. Kat you're up hon!

I rolled my eyes and chuckled, “Yeah, whatever. You’re just lubing me up.”

But you trust me?” More than anyone. I waited a beat to answer as my eyes roamed over her face, “Yeah...I do.”

This was just so amazing. The song choice was perfect. And I can see them doing the dance in my head.

Stacia is going to get on my nerves. I think it's only a matter of time before either Kat or Dee snap at her.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if Alec is already knocking boots with Lana. He is living up to his slore persona. And Lana seems no better than she ought to be. They deserve each other. I hope he is just as sexually unsatisfying for Lana as he is for Kat.

Because Kat is gonna be levelling up!

Closed Position: Week 2 (Foxtrot)

Closed Position Masterlist ||| Main Masterlist Dieter Bravo x OFC (Katarina)

Series Summary: Dieter Bravo, now sober, was looking to change his bad boy image after hitting rock bottom. His team hoped that having him join the nationally televised family friendly dance competition would be a good first step, if they can keep him out of trouble. 

Katarina Stamos expected her last season as a professional dancer on Dancing with the Stars to go the same as it had for the past thirteen seasons. That all changed when she was partnered with the infamous Dieter Bravo. 

Dieter and Katarina are reluctantly thrown into their partnership and must learn to work together to succeed in the competition. In the process they form a deeper connection beyond the dance floor that neither anticipated.

Chapter Word Count: 15.7k

👉 Warnings: Themes dealing with intimate partner violence, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn. Read at your own risk. Dieter Bravo comes with his own warnings.

Week 2 Quote:   “What’s wrong, do I have too many buttons open or something?”

Katarina’s POV Our first week of rehearsal had gone well after the initial awkwardness dissipated. I admit, I was extremely nervous about how our introduction was going to go and didn’t really know how to handle it. I had hoped Dieter and I would get a chance to talk before filming, but that didn’t happen. I was surprised by how effortlessly he pretended it was our first-time meeting, like we hadn’t had a somewhat confrontational interaction the day before. He had put on a good show, but I could still sense the tension rolling off him as we did our quick filming session. 

I knew that we needed to discuss what happened, so as soon as we were alone, I bit the bullet and brought it up to get it out of the way. I apologized for my behavior. I had to because the things that I had said to him were eating away at my conscience. My reaction wasn’t fair to him. Was he part of the problem? Yes. However, he wasn’t the cause. He was dropped in the middle of the situation just as much as I had been. He wasn’t intentionally trying to cause trouble between me and Alec. It was Stacia and Joe who were hoping that something would develop from their plotting. Dieter was just doing as he was told.

I could tell by the look on Dieter’s face that what I said had hurt him. I had a feeling that he didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t mean it. I hadn’t intended to tell him about my father, but at that moment I felt like he needed to hear it. I wanted him to know that I was sorry and that I wasn’t like everyone else who had been doubting him. He was willing to be open with me about his sobriety, so I felt like I needed to share something personal with him as well. We were going to be partners after all. That meant we needed to learn to communicate effectively and trust each other. Starting out the way we had would’ve caused us to fall apart quickly if we didn’t right it as soon as possible.  

Dieter seemed to accept my apology and appreciate what I shared about my father. He relaxed almost immediately, which led into a teasing banter between the two of us. He ended up being nothing like I expected. He was very respectful and put in a lot of effort to learn everything I was teaching him. I had a feeling he would be a decent dancer, but I was surprised at how quickly he was picking things up and how good he was in executing the moves. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I might actually have a shot to make it to finals. I just had to make sure I stayed on top of my game to help him get there. I also had to make sure I didn’t allow myself to be attracted to the man. 

The thought of finding Dieter attractive never crossed my mind when I was told he would be my partner. I had seen pictures of him before rehab and he usually looked like a mess. However, I had to admit that the man did clean up nicely. His sweet temperament and eagerness to learn didn’t help the situation. His puppy dog eyes and golden-retriever energy made it hard to not like him. There were times when his large brown orbs would look up at me through his lashes because he was unsure about something, and it would literally take my breath away. After spending up to seven hours with him every day last week to go over the basics of ballroom dance, I couldn’t deny that I found him to be alluring. 

I found myself brushing thoughts of Dieter aside often. I couldn’t allow myself to think about him like that because I had Alec. Though, Alec did have me in a constant state of frustration that left me questioning our relationship. He had been even more insufferable since I started working with Dieter, becoming more possessive than he normally was while also being less forthcoming than normal about how things were going with his own dance partner. I couldn’t help the distrust that I still felt toward him. I had a feeling this season of the show was going to be our final test. It was either going to strengthen our relationship or break it. The way it stood after the first week, the tighter he tried to hold on, the further away he was pushing me. It was adding a lot of stress to my personal life, which was quickly causing my time with Dieter to turn into an escape and that concerned me.  

We were now into Monday of week two. The week that things really started kicking off for our grueling schedule. The agenda for this particular Monday was fairly light, physically, since Mondays would normally be a live show day. Instead of the show, we were shooting promo material, which meant all the dance couples had photoshoot sessions lined up. Dieter and I were scheduled for 11 AM, but we still had to go in early for hair and makeup. The entire cast is required to use the show’s hair and makeup team which is set up in a large room inside Television City Studios. There are stations lining the perimeter of the room, each having a large mirror surrounded by lights, a counter stocked with all the needed utensils and products, and a barber chair. 

Dieter and I both arrived around the same time and grabbed some terrible coffee from Craft Services to get us through the morning, making small talk as we headed toward hair and makeup. As soon as we entered the room, we were whisked off to stations on opposite sides of the space. He was seated directly behind me, which meant we could see each other in the mirrors. It was hard not to stare, given he was right in my line of sight. I quickly noticed him doing the same thing. When our eyes would meet in the reflection, he would often give me an exasperated look as the hair stylist struggled with his tresses, then smile. I smiled back as I watched them tame his unruly curls into a more sophisticated style. They had gelled it back, but left a hint of curl to it. I couldn’t help thinking how handsome he looked as I watched him stand and head toward the wardrobe department.

Once my ridiculous amount of makeup was applied and my hair styled into an elegant low bun with sparkly diamond-like accessories, I made my way to the wardrobe department as well. They confirmed that Dieter was my partner before going to pull a couple of dress options that would coordinate with what they had put him in. I could hear Dieter laughing loudly in the back near the fitting area as one of the tailors, who I didn’t know, came to the front and told the costume coordinator behind the desk to update Dieter’s measurements because his shoulders were too broad for what they had put him in, causing him to pop a button off the shirt already. A look passed between the two women that said they were clearly smitten with the actor. I figured he probably charmed them as soon as he walked into the room. I had already noticed that he had a way of doing that. 

As one of the costumers led me back to the changing rooms, I passed by Dieter standing in front of a mirror, bare chested as the tailor from earlier handed him another black button up shirt to try. He gave me a cheesy smile, “I’m already causing trouble. I’ve busted out of my shirt.” Fucking hell, he looks good. I was taken off guard by the sight of him, and his comment. The best I could manage was a quiet chuckle as I continued toward my destination. His broad shoulders, toned chest, and sculpted arms were now seared into my brain. He had a slim waist but was a little soft around the middle. I found it to be more attractive than Alec’s overly chiseled abs. Yeah, I’m definitely going to hell. I felt hot and flustered suddenly as I took the black and silver Latin style dress from the costumer to try on and made my way into a changing room.  

After I was dressed, I walked out to the fitting area so the tailor could look over my attire. Dieter was now fully dressed but had left several of the top buttons on his shirt open and rolled the sleeves up - which wasn’t unusual for the guys on the show. However, I was finding those small areas of exposed flesh to be incredibly distracting. It was ridiculous because it wasn’t like I hadn’t seen his forearms during rehearsals when he wore t-shirts. I had to force myself to look away from his reflection as he stood nearby chatting with the tailor about the fit of the shirt in the shoulders. I almost snorted as she recommended he continue to leave several buttons open to give him room to move freely. He didn’t say anything in response, but I did notice a slight upward twitch of his left eyebrow. A small smirk formed on his lips as the tailor smiled up at him. Smooth. I can respect her game. I looked away quickly as his eyes briefly wandered over toward me. 

Once the tailor stopped fawning over Dieter, she moved to stand in front of me, eyes roaming over me to check the fit of the dress. She reached to tug at the fabric around my breast, pulling it tighter and adjusting the straps. I rolled my head back and chanced a glance in Dieter’s direction to find him watching with a furrowed brow. The tailor backed away, “Do you want sticky inserts or do you want me to pin it back?”

I sighed, “Inserts are fine if that’ll work.” She nodded before disappearing to the back. Dieter cleared his throat, his face now looking slightly flushed, “I’ll uhhh, wait for you up front.” I gave him a tight smile as I tried not to laugh at his embarrassment over watching the tailor grope at me. After doing this for 13 years, I was used to it. A few minutes later, the tailor, who I later learned was named Amy, returned with a new set of stick-on bra cups. Luckily that helped solve my issue and she sent me on my way so that we could get to the photographer on time. 

As I emerged into the front waiting area, Dieter gave me a mischievous smirk, “Did you get everything sorted out.”

I looked down at my chest, cupped both breasts in my hands briefly before looking back up at him with a blank expression, “Yeah, I think so. They aren’t popping out now.” His eyes widened before he burst out laughing. That hadn’t been the response he was expecting. I chuckled as I turned him to face the exit and pushed him toward it. 

When we walked into the room where the photographer was set up, my eyes were drawn to Alec and Lana being photographed. They were full of giggles and smiles as they posed for their promo shots. They weren’t doing anything inappropriate, but there was something about the way they kept glancing at each other that made my stomach churn. I’m being such a fucking hypocrite right now. I had literally been devouring Dieter with my eyes a few minutes prior, so it wasn’t like I had room to speak. Then again, I wasn’t the one who had a history of cheating either. I felt Dieter lean in next to me, “Hey, you ok?” 

Snapping out of the glare I was surely throwing their way, I glanced up at Dieter, “Yeah, I’m good.” I gave him a tight smile which didn’t seem too convincing. He looked back toward Alec and Lana, his face shifting as he studied them. I wondered if he could see what I saw between them. There was definitely chemistry there. A moment later, I felt his hand on my shoulder as he gave it a small reassuring squeeze. It seemed like he was trying to communicate something without words, but I didn’t know what to make of it. 

Alec and Lana were finished soon after our arrival. Alec seemed surprised to see us once he finally looked in my direction. He made a beeline toward Dieter and I, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me on the cheek, “Hey baby, you look good.” 

I gave him a confused smile. He wasn’t usually this touchy while we were in work mode. He glanced over at Dieter and reached his hand out to introduce himself as my “soon to be husband”. Oh…it’s because of Dieter. He’s getting territorial. For fucks sake. Dieter didn’t skip a beat, immediately turning on that Bravo charm. Alec didn’t seem to buy it, but that didn’t stop him from making small talk as he sized Dieter up. The two men were of similar height, but Dieter was much broader and thick, while Alec was leaner and more sculpted. There was no contest there. 

In my periphery, I noticed Lana giving me the stink eye from the other side of the room. Well, that tells me all I need to know about her. I awkwardly moved to extract myself from Alec’s hold, noting that the photographer was ready for us. As we listened to the photographer’s instructions, I could tell Dieter’s energy was off. I glanced back in the direction we had come from, realizing Alec was still standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. His intimidating gaze now focused on us. The photographer politely suggested a few poses for us, we complied but I could tell Dieter was hesitating when it came to touching me.

After Alec left the room, the energy shifted. Both of us eventually relaxing enough to have fun with it as I instructed him into several less intimate dance poses. We spent a lot of time laughing over his failed attempts. Once our hour was up, the photographer seemed happy with the shots he had taken. Even commenting that we had been one of the more fun couples that he had worked with so far. Dieter took the credit for that, citing that he was just a fun guy to be around. I couldn’t help but to roll my eyes at him. At that point, we were finished for the day. We quickly got changed and said our goodbyes so we could go home to rest and prepare for what was to come. 

Tuesdays started with production meetings. Today we would be having our first one to go over the details of our routine - the dance, costumes, and music. I always hated these meetings and felt like it was something that could have been given to us in writing. However, I suspected these meetings served another purpose. It was an opportunity for Stacia and Joe to see how the dancers and celebrities were getting along. A chance for them to learn about our relationships and see where they could throw the gasoline next. Knowing that was most likely the real reasoning caused my frustrations to grow. It made me feel anxious in a way that had never been an issue in the past because I knew they were looking to manipulate us in any way they could. I knew I would need to be vigilant and make sure we were not playing into their games. 

I had debated warning Dieter about Stacia and Joe and was still considering it while I ate my breakfast. As I was finishing up, my phone pinged with multiple texts from Alec with an absurd number of questions about my schedule for the week. I let out a controlled breath as I read through them - rolling my eyes before throwing my phone down on the counter without responding. I didn’t have time for that, nor did I want to deal with it. Instead, I moved toward the bathroom to shower and get ready for my day. 

Dieter’s POV My Tuesday had a ridiculously early start. My upcoming schedule was so packed my assistant had to work hard to squeeze in appointments with my therapist wherever he could. So that’s how I ended up in Dr. Smith’s office at 7 AM. Of course, the topic of the day was how things were going with my dance partner and rehearsals. Dr. Smith seemed to zero in on the topic of feelings when I made a comment about how weird it was being so physically close to someone for so long - that it almost felt inappropriate and uncomfortable at times. She immediately asked me to expand on that. After a few minutes of struggling to put it into words, she finally spoke up to share her thoughts. 

“Dieter, we’ve talked about your aversion to intimacy before. I think that’s where this is coming from. I don’t know much about ballroom dancing, but I do know it involves a lot of intimacy and you are not used to that.” 

 I shook my head, “But it’s not like that…it’s not sexual.” Not physically anyway…my thoughts are another story. 

She chuckled, “Intimacy isn’t just sexual. You can have intimacy with friends and family too. It can be emotional, intellectual, creative…there are so many ways to connect with someone that doesn’t involve sex. It’s something that quite frankly, you’ve been starved of and avoided most of your life. So, I can see why it would make you uncomfortable and why you would have the urge to shy away from it.” 

I snorted and spoke before I realized what I was doing, “But I don’t wanna…” Fuck. I caught myself too late.

Her brow furrowed, “You don’t want to what?” 

I sighed, “I don’t wanna shy away from it. I actually enjoy being around Kat. It’s just a little…intense, I guess. It makes me feel anxious and something else…that I don’t really know how to explain.”

Dr. Smith tilted her head slightly as she took in my words, “Dieter, are you attracted to her?” 

Yes. “No…I mean she’s nice looking. I can’t deny that, but she has a fiancée. It’s just…s-she treats me…like a person. She doesn’t look at me and see a fuck up. She’s giving me a chance and not just automatically assuming that I’m gonna fall back into old habits. You know what I mean?”

Dr. Smith nodded, “So, you’re developing a relationship with her that isn’t based on sex or favors.” 

I rubbed at the deep crease between my brows, “Yeah, I guess so. I suppose it’s probably the closest thing that I’ve had to an actual friendship in a long time…but I mean, it’s only been a week. So, I’m not even sure if I can call it that…but it does feel like more than just working together if that makes sense? We laugh, we joke, we vibe. I guess it does feel like we have some type of connection….and…I find myself wanting to…please her?” I cringed as soon as the words left my mouth, “NO! Not that. Umm, I guess…do a good job is what I mean. I don’t wanna let her down.” 

We stared at each other for a beat, Dr. Smith had a thoughtful look on face as she digested my words. “Dieter…this might be a good thing for you. I want you to work on being open with her. Develop the friendship between the two of you. I think it would be good practice for you, emotionally, to connect with someone in that way. It sounds like she’s willing to build a friendship with you and give you the benefit of the doubt. I know you’ve been seeking that…and it would be good for you to have a friend that’s supportive of your recovery. You don’t have a lot of that right now…and it’s important.”

This is a bad fucking idea. “Ok…yeah. I’ll try.” 

I left that therapy session feeling more on edge than I did before I had gone in. I was feeling a lot of conflict and confusion about my feelings toward Kat, which was ridiculous because I hadn’t known her for that long. Sure, I thought she was physically attractive and normally that alone would’ve been enough for me to pursue her for sex. Aside from the fact that she was taken, I actually didn’t want to ruin what we were potentially building for a quick roll in the sack. I wanted more. I enjoyed spending time with her, and she made me want to be better. I found myself wondering what it would be like to spend time with her outside of the dance studio - doing something as simple as getting lunch or stopping into a bookstore to find a book together that we could discuss after reading. I had never wanted something like that with someone. It was both scary and exciting. 

I soon found myself parking outside Television City Studios for our first production meeting. I now had a fluttering in my stomach that was almost foreign. As I sat rolling up the sleeves of my dress shirt, I decided it was nerves related to the impending live show in less than a week's time. The production meeting made it feel more real and imminent. 

Walking into the main entrance, I spotted Kat waiting in the lobby. Her eyes locked on me as I approached. She had an odd expression, her eyes seeming to roam over me before she met my gaze with a smirk on her face.

“What’s wrong, do I have too many buttons open or something?” I asked, jokingly.

She laughed nervously as she shook her head, “No. Your buttons are open just the right amount…That shade of blue looks really good on you.”   

I smiled as my face heated from the compliment. I leaned my head downward and swiped my thumb across my bottom lip before glancing back up at her. Is she blushing? She looks flushed. 

She cleared her throat, “Umm…before we get called in there, I wanted to warn you about Stacia and Joe. They like to…try and…”

I smirked, thinking back to my first interaction with them, “Create drama?” 

Kat huffed out a laugh, “Yeah…that. I have a feeling they’re gonna try and manipulate things with us and with Alec and Lana. It’s all about ratings with them.” 

I nodded, “I picked up on that during our first meeting. I figured. Don’t worry about it. I’m not gonna play into whatever it is they’re trying to do.” 

She had a sad smile on her face now, “Thank you. I appreciate that. At least two of us are on the same page.” 

Two? What does that mean? I opened my mouth to ask but was interrupted by a production assistant who was sent to lead us to the meeting space.

Once we entered the conference room, we were greeted with a smiling Stacia and Joe. Kat and I took our seats on the opposite side of the table from them, careful not to sit too closely together. I could tell they were studying us as soon as we walked through the door, looking for their angle. Stacia spoke first, “So, how is everything going with you two? Did you have a good first week of rehearsals?” 

Kat and I gave each other a knowing look before I responded. “It’s been going good. Kat is a great teacher…I seem to be picking things up quickly.”  

Stacia and Joe stared at me for a moment. Stacia’s brow arched slightly, like she was waiting for me to say more. When I didn’t, she finally smiled, “Well…that’s good to hear. We want to make sure you two are getting along ok.” 

Kat leaned forward and tilted her head slightly, “Is there a reason that we wouldn’t?” 

Stacia laughed and shifted nervously in her seat, “Of course not…just making conversation.” 

Well, that’s interesting. I had a feeling that Kat made Stacia uncomfortable, maybe even intimidated her some. Kat did seem to be giving off dominating vibes, which was fucking hot. Stacia cleared her throat as she pulled a couple sheets of paper out of a folder and slid them toward us. It appeared to be sketches for our costumes. They were both completely black. Kat’s gown was long and flowy with a very low back and front. 

“Your first performance will be the Foxtrot to the song Fever. You’ll be doing the behind the scenes filming on Friday this week. Do you have any objections to the costume sketches?” 

I glanced over at Kat, ready to agree with whatever she said since I wasn’t sure what she was comfortable with. 

Kat glanced down one last time, “I’m fine with them, Dieter?”   

I shrugged, “I’m good if she is.” 

We sat in an awkward silence for a beat, staring at each other. What the hell is this?

“Is there anything else?” Kat finally asked. 

Stacia nodded, “No. I guess not…unless you guys have anything to discuss?” 

Kat and I both shook our heads with confused expressions. 

Stacia eyed Kat, “Have you met Lana yet? I know she was excited to meet you.”

The energy around Kat shifted, her eyes darkened, and her jaw clenched at the question. Fuck. Please don’t react to that. “We did yesterday.” I said, speaking before I had time to think through my response. “She seemed very nice…Alec too. We had a lovely chat during the photoshoot.” I forced a smile and hoped it didn’t look fake. We need to get out of here. “Well, it was nice seeing you two again. We need to get to the dance studio to start working on our routine. I need all the practice I can get.”  

I looked over at Kat, who was giving me a grateful smile as she moved toward the door. We said our goodbyes as we exited the room, walking in silence until we reached the lobby. Kat turned to look at me, her brows furrowed as she chewed on her bottom lip.

“What the fuck was that?” I asked, completely confused by the interaction. 

“I dunno, it was bizarre. I guess they’re trying to figure out how to stir up drama between the four of us. I can guarantee it won’t be coming from either of us.”  

I arched my brows, “What do you mean?” 

She shook her head, not saying anything as she reached for her phone to check the time. “Our rehearsal space should be open soon. I’m gonna run home and grab my bag. I forgot it.”

I nodded, “Yeah…I’ll meet you there.”

That was an odd response from her. It made me wonder if something was going on with her and Alec. I could sense tension between them during the photoshoot but couldn’t exactly work out the cause of it. Whatever the reasoning, I felt like Stacia was aware of it and was actively trying to work it in her favor for ratings. That did make me sad for Kat because she didn’t deserve it.   

Kat moved to leave, but stopped, waving her phone as she turned to face me, “I guess we should probably exchange numbers…” 

“Oh, right. Of course.” I quickly typed my number into her phone. She followed up by shooting me a quick text with a waving emoji so I would have hers, then we said our goodbyes for now. 

I decided to grab an early lunch before heading to the dance studio. I briefly wondered if I should have asked Kat if she wanted anything. I was tempted to text her but didn’t want to start abusing my texting privileges already. She probably only wanted me to text if I was running late or something anyway. 

As I sat in the parking lot of the dance studio, eating my burrito, a hand smacked against the driver side window. It startled me, nearly causing me to drop my food. I hit the button to lower the glass and was met with Kat’s laughter as she moved to lean against my car. 

I sat smiling at her until her giggles finally subsided.

“Thanks for that. You were very close to cleaning the inside of my car.” 

She smiled, “I would have too, because it would’ve been my fault. I’m sorry. Totally worth it though.” 

I rolled my eyes at her, taking another bite. 

She leaned down, nearly sticking her head inside the car, “That looks good, where’s that from?”

“That Mexican place on Spring Street. I’ve got another, you want it? They’re fucking huge. No way I can eat it.”  Which was the truth. I wasn’t expecting them to be so big. She scrunched her nose, “What kind is it?” She’s too fucking adorable when she does that. 

I reached to pull the foil wrapped burrito out of the bag and held it up to her, “Cheesy steak and rice.”

She snatched it out of my hand, “If you insist. I’m never gonna turn down food.”

I laughed at her, “Good to know. Next time I’ll get your order.”

She moved to lean against the hood of my car as I got out with what was left of my burrito in one hand and my soda in the other. I leaned against the hood beside her and set my drink down between us as she started eating. A quiet moan escaped her lips causing little Bravo to involuntarily twitch in my pants. Fuck. That was hot.

“Ugh, this is so good. I’ve never been to that place. Clearly, I need to go.”

All I could muster in response was a nod. We ate in silence for a few minutes before she reached for my drink, tilting it forward and raising a brow at me as if to ask if it was ok. I nodded again and she took a quick sip before setting it back down. Once I finally got my thoughts in check, I was surprised by how at ease she seemed around me today.

Kat licked at the juices running down the side of her hand. I laughed at her and reached into the car to grab some napkins, handing them to her as she spoke, “Maybe we can start grabbing lunch on Tuesdays after our production meetings. We could get a head start discussing our routine since we have this odd break before our scheduled studio time.” 

“Yeah, I’m cool with that.” More than I should be. I was giddy at the thought of spending time with her outside of rehearsals. 

Her eyes narrowed on me as I finished up the last of my food, “So what does Dieter Bravo do in his free time?”    

I gave her a small smile as she stared at me with a soft gaze, “These days, not a whole lot. I moved into a beach house in Santa Monica about six months ago. I mostly just hole up there with my plants, music, and art supplies. I’ve pretty much had to change my whole life around since I got out of rehab.”

She had a sad smile on her lips now, nodding as she swallowed her latest bite. I had a feeling she knew what all that meant. “Plants and art supplies? So, you grow things and paint?” 

I laughed, “Yes…and I do mean houseplants. Don’t get any ideas.” 

She chuckled, “The thought didn’t even cross my mind.” She paused, rolling back the wrapping on her burrito, “It’s unexpected and cool, actually. I love art. I don’t have an artistic bone in my body, but I do love looking at other people’s work.” 

I raised a questioning eyebrow at her, “Dance is an art form…”

She rolled her eyes, “You know what I mean…painting, drawing…those kinds of things.”

I nodded, “Well, anyone can paint. So, don’t sell yourself short on that. You should give it a try. It’s a good stress reliever.” 

She shrugged, “What about the plants? Why plants?” 

I chuckled, “I don’t fucking know. That’s a fairly new obsession. I guess…I like learning about them. They all have different needs. There’s something about watching them grow and thrive from the care I’m putting into them. They also add a little extra something…makes the house homier.” I shook my head and laughed. Geez, I sound ridiculous. 

She smiled at me, “What’s wrong? Are you embarrassed by your love of plants?” 

I could feel my face heating up, “No…I mean, maybe. It’s a little weird, don’t ya think?”

She shook her head, “It’s surprising, but not weird. I kind of love it. It’s sweet.” 

Her eyes sparkled as she gave me an endearing smile, which caused knots to form in my stomach. She moved to take another drink from my soda, and I suddenly found her lips wrapping around the straw to be a little distracting. I had to force my line of sight elsewhere. 

She groaned as she stuck the last bit of the burrito in her mouth, “Ugh, I’m probably gonna regret that. Good thing we have some time to digest while we talk about our routine.” I laughed as I reached into the car to grab my bag so I could change once we got inside. 

After I got changed, Kat found our song and played it. We listened in silence while we did some basic stretches. After the song concluded, she sat quietly with her legs stretched out in front of her, thinking. She let out a controlled breath as she rubbed her hands down her face.  

“Ok, so…the foxtrot is probably one of the more difficult standard dances to learn. We haven’t gone over it yet. It requires a heel lead and gliding steps that should appear effortless and elegant. It’s a box step similar to the waltz, but the timing is different…it’s a mixture of slow steps that take up two beats and quick steps that take up one beat. It’s a slow, slow, quick, quick movement while maintaining a closed position with your partner. Let’s start with the basic steps, then we’ll start adding the flare to it.” 

I sat on the floor in front of her, listening intently, nodding along. She moved to stand, reaching out her hands to help pull me up to my feet. We spent a good amount of time working on the basic steps. She started with having me do the steps alone so she could watch my movements. It took a little longer than I would have liked to get the timing right, but I eventually caught on. Once I had it down, we assumed the closed position and began moving together. Initially her proximity was distracting, but I was able to move past it and focus on our movements. After we mastered the basics moving both forward and backwards, she added turning box steps to the mix.   

Now that I had the footwork down for the foxtrot, Kat wasted no time jumping in to craft a routine for us. I mostly watched her as she talked through ideas, occasionally stopping to work out the steps and movements on her own. She asked for input, but I didn’t feel confident enough to really have an opinion on any of it at this point. Overall, it was a light day as we worked through our plans. The afternoon flew by, and our rehearsal time was up before we knew it. 

As we were leaving, Kat warned me that we would be hitting things pretty hard for the rest of the week, so I needed to prepare myself. I laughed it off, but honestly, I was terrified. I was nervous about the increased physical contact with her. I had done well ignoring it so far, but I knew once we started getting into the routines, the contact was going to increase exponentially. It wasn’t just the fact that I found her to be incredibly attractive, but also because physical closeness was something that I never did with people that I didn’t have an active sexual relationship with. Even in those instances, it was about pleasure and nothing else. This was going to be weird for me and I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

When I got home that evening, I had a quick dinner then grabbed my tablet with the thought that I would look up some foxtrot videos on YouTube. I figured it might give me some ideas so I could have input on our routine since Kat insisted that she wanted me involved. I made my way out back to sit on a lounger next to the firepit - allowing the sounds of the ocean to lull me into relaxation before I went down my YouTube rabbit hole. 

I was honestly shocked at the range of routines I watched. Some were very serious and professional while others favored the more sensual side of the dance. I could feel my stomach fluttering at the thought of dancing like that with Kat. Sure, the idea was slightly arousing, but also imagining her looking at me the way these dancers were looking at each other caused my heart to skip a beat. It was a new kind of feeling that I couldn’t really find the words for. 

At some point, a video of Kat popped up from a previous season of the show. I watched it a couple of times, studying her face and the way she moved with her partner. It all felt very cold, like she was just going through the motions. She seemed focused on trying to get her partner through the routine rather than feeling the emotions of the dance. I eventually scrolled down to the ‘suggested videos’ section, finding a few of Kat and Alec from professional dance competitions that were several years old. In these, Kat was different. It was clear that she and Alec had chemistry on the dance floor. The way she moved her body was hypnotic and the way she looked at Alec was almost carnal. I couldn’t imagine her dancing like this with me. The thought of it made me dizzy and anxious. I wouldn’t be able to handle that level of emotion from her.  

Sighing, I set the tablet down on the ground beside me. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the lounger, trying to get that visual out of my mind. After a few minutes of contemplative silence, I sensed movement near my feet. When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the furry intruder that refused to leave my yard. He sat for a moment, staring at me as if to ask if he could approach me. When I didn’t react, he hopped up onto my lap and meowed loudly in my face. I sighed, finally giving in to his cuteness and scratched behind his ears. He wasted no time crawling up my chest to rub his head against my beard, “Alright little dude, don’t get too excited. This isn’t gonna be a thing.” 

I couldn’t help the laugh that slipped between my lips as he started purring. This fucking cat. My arms slid around his small frame and cuddled him closer. I realized he felt a little boney under all that fur. I sighed louder this time, “I fucking knew this was gonna happen. You finally got me dude…come on.” I sat him down on the ground, grabbed my tablet, and got up to walk toward the house. He followed behind me, swishing his tail. I walked through the sliding door into the kitchen in search of something for him to eat. I found a few packets of tuna in the pantry and grabbed one. When I turned around, I was met with two green eyes staring at me from the floor. I chuckled, “Please, do come in.” I grabbed a bowl and emptied the pouch into it. He waited patiently for me to set it down in front of him - immediately digging in once I did, making little growling noises as he ate. I guess I have a fucking cat now.   

Katarina’s POV As I drove home, I took the time to reflect on my day. Stacia almost got a rise out of me this morning. I couldn’t let her do that because it would only add fuel to the flames she was trying to create. It was clear to me now that she was hoping Lana would drive a wedge between Alec and me. My fear was that it was working. I could already tell he had been more distant since rehearsals started. It wasn’t unusual given our schedules, but he would usually send texts throughout the day. I hadn’t received one from him since yesterday. I could feel the hurt creeping in. However, there was also a part of me hoping he would fuck up again because it was all beginning to be too much. I wanted to give up and I wanted out. 

Then there was Dieter. It was obvious that he sensed my unease at the mention of Lana, and he jumped in to cover for me without hesitation. He was damn near believable in his response. He and I hadn’t discussed anything related to Alec and Lana in detail, but I felt like he knew there was more to it than I had shared. I had to appreciate that he didn’t try to pry for information while also acting as the supportive dance partner. 

I don’t know what it is about Dieter, but I feel comfortable with him. Even though most people would probably call me crazy for it, I actually trust him. The realization hit me this morning after the production meeting. As I drove toward the dance studio, I made a conscious decision to build a friendship with him because I felt like he really needed it. Maybe we both did. 

When I finally got home, I quickly ate some leftovers while I waited for the bathtub to fill up. I knew I needed to start taking extra steps to keep my body happy if I was going to make it through this season. I was doing ok so far - seeming to have no pain or inflammation present in my joints. I knew that could change at any time. Especially once we really got going in rehearsals. I was already dreading the Latin dances. I knew that the knee and hip pain would start quickly with those. The foot pain would come soon enough. The dance shoes always got that going, which was why I hadn’t worn any during rehearsals yet. I had planned to limit those as much as possible. After I finished eating, I took all my daily supplements that I had forgotten that morning, then got into the tub to relax. 

I found my thoughts drifting back to Dieter, remembering how the blue color of the dress shirt he had on this morning looked amazing against his skin. Then I remembered how my attention was drawn to his exposed forearms – to his tattoos peeking out and the way the muscles flexed as he moved his hands when he spoke. As the day went on, I began having a ridiculous urge to touch his hair. That started while we were outside the studio, leaning against his car. The soft waves were gently blowing in the breeze begging to have my fingers run through them. He was so effortlessly handsome and clearly lacked the confidence to go with it, which was surprising to me. 

Then my thoughts jumped to a shirtless Dieter from the day before. I suddenly felt that familiar throb between my thighs. Fucking hell, don’t go there Kat. I was tempted to let my mind continue down that path, but I knew it would be wrong. I couldn’t entertain those thoughts, no matter how good I thought he looked. Especially if I wanted to establish a legitimate friendship with him. I sighed and dunked myself under the water for a moment, hoping that would clear my head. It didn’t. I got out of the tub and went to bed frustrated. 

I awoke to the sound of pounding on the front door. Glancing at the clock, it was close to 1 AM. I sighed and got out of bed. As I got closer to the door, I could hear Alec drunkenly rambling to let him in. I was half tempted to leave his ass out there. When I opened the door, he stumbled inside, hugging me against him and almost pulling both of us to the floor.

I pushed him off me, “Alec…what the fuck?”   

He blew his beer laden breath across my face as he spoke in a slur, “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t wanna drive home. I was at the bar up the street with the guys…I can’t find my phone.” 

“You realize we have a group rehearsal in the morning, right?” 

He waved his hand at me like it was no big deal and stumbled off toward the bedroom, collapsing on the bed, fully dressed. This was a good reminder as to why we hadn’t moved in together yet. I huffed, moving to take his shoes and clothes off while he mumbled something about wanting to fuck before fully passing out. Once I got him situated, I crawled into bed and settled in for a night of restless sleep. 

Alec woke me before my alarm went off, kissing down my neck. I admittedly was still a little worked up from the night before, so I went with it. I briefly stopped him, reaching into the nightstand for a condom. He rolled his eyes in protest as I handed it to him, but I wasn’t taking any chances. He put the condom on before flipping me over, pulling my hips up to meet him, then pulling my shorts down so he could roughly take me from behind. He didn’t last long, and I got no satisfaction from it. When he was done, he got into the shower without a word. This dismissive behavior wasn’t out of the ordinary for him, but something felt different. I felt like he was staking his claim, reminding me that I belonged to him. I suddenly hated myself for allowing it to happen like that. It made me feel dirty somehow.  

After he was showered and dressed, he gave me a quick kiss on the forehead and said he would see me at group rehearsals. I nodded, watching him as he walked out of the bedroom. He seemed off, but I couldn’t figure out why. Maybe it was just a bad hangover and everything else was all in my head. 

Wednesdays were always the worst. Every week, the professional dancers did a group performance at the start of the show. I really wished they wouldn’t do these because it just added more to our plate. Luckily the first few weeks were not as bad since we still had so many cast members to take up airtime. The burden of the extra performances would increase as more groups were voted off. Eventually, the celebrities would be added to the group performances. I wasn’t looking forward to that as we progressed through the competition. Since it was the first week, this rehearsal went fast, and it was fairly easy. Alec struggled through it, clearly hung over from the night before, but I didn’t feel bad for him.

After five hours of rehearsals with the professional cast, I had to rush to grab a late lunch. I didn’t have much time before meeting with Dieter for our late afternoon rehearsal. When I arrived at the dance studio, Dieter was there waiting. He was laying on the floor, his head propped on his bag with a tablet sitting on his chest. His eyes met mine as he smiled up at me. 

“What are you doing?” I asked through a chuckle. 

He grabbed the tablet and quickly sat up, “I hope you don’t mind…but I pulled up some videos last night to get some ideas.” 

I don’t know why this surprised me. I figured he would leave most of the choreography to me. However, I loved that he was trying. He looked a little sheepish as he asked if he could show me a couple of things. I smiled and nodded as I sat on the floor beside him, mirroring the way he was sitting, with my legs stretched out in front of me. He gave me a shy smile as he turned on his tablet, “Don’t laugh, but I made a playlist and saved them.” I didn’t laugh, but I couldn’t help smiling at him. I watched as he opened the YouTube app to the ‘home’ tab. He quickly tapped on the ‘foxtrot’ playlist, but not before I saw my name in the title of a video under the ‘watch history’ section. I could feel my heart rate pickup as he glanced over at me, fighting a shy smile. 

“Yeah, I saw that…you watching videos of me, Bravo?” I asked with a teasing tone.

He shrugged, still trying not to smile as his cheeks flushed, “I watched a lot of videos from previous seasons. You may have been in one or two of them.” 

“Mmmhmm. Right.” 

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Anyway…I was thinking what we have so far feels almost mechanical…if that makes sense?” He’s not wrong. Dieter glanced at me; his dark eyes rounded as he took in my expression. I think he was worried it would upset me. 

I pursed my lips, “I don’t disagree with that. Thank you for pointing it out.”

His shoulders relaxed, “Ok, good. I was afraid that would piss you off.” 

I rolled my eyes, “It takes a lot more than that to piss me off. I always want you to be open about what you’re feeling. Besides, I didn’t think it felt right either. So…what are you thinking?” 

He inhaled deeply before launching into his thoughts, “Well, I think we need to add some emotion to it to start…nothing too crazy…I’ve saved a few videos. I think if we can find a good balance in the emotion and feel of all these dances it would be perfect. I don’t mind doing a little acting with it.”  

He had picked some very good examples. The first few videos showed professional choreography infused with different dance styles. The last few included a lot of acting and storytelling with the dancers' movements and were more toward the sensual side of things. During the last few videos, I could see the tension in his face. He was worried it would bother me. It didn’t of course since this was what dancing was about. I, however, was concerned about what that meant for me emotionally. It was going to require a lot of trust and a deeper connection that I usually didn’t have with my dance partners on the show. There was also the tiny issue of me finding Dieter Bravo to be incredibly attractive. 

Once the last video ended, I glanced up at him. “You're ok with doing that kind of stuff?”  

His eyebrows shot up, “I mean, maybe not that intense. Those...are a lot… but I’m comfortable with whatever you're comfortable with.”  

I nodded, surprised of his willingness to try something different. “You know…our song has sort of a jazzy sound. Maybe we can infuse some jazz elements into it?”

Dieter’s eyes lit up at that suggestion, “I’m actually digging that idea.”

“Ok…well, this dance isn’t gonna figure itself out. Let’s get going.” I stood, “We need to make sure we stretch more going forward because it’s about to get a lot harder on our bodies. You’re probably about to hate me.” 

He looked worried as I told him to lay back flat on the floor and moved to help him with some leg stretches - leaning against him to push back on his leg first with it straight in the air then against his knee to push it into his chest. He whined and groaned through it the entire time. After completing the same steps with his other leg, I had him sit up and put his feet flat together in front of him in a butterfly pose. I took the same position in front of him, keeping his legs in place with my knees and pulled him forward by his hands. He again began whining through it. I had to appreciate that he didn’t make it awkward like most people did, but it was near impossible not to laugh at his dramatic behavior. We went through several more partner stretches, both of us trying to keep it together as his dramatics increased with each new stretch. 

By the time we were done with the stretches, Dieter was already breaking out in a sweat. He gave me the stink eye and huffed as he got up off the floor, “I’m fairly certain that could be classified as some form of torture.”  

I laughed, “Stop being a drama queen. We’ve gotta keep those hips loose or you won’t make it through the Latin dances.” 

He raised an eyebrow at me, “I have loose hips?” 

I chuckled, “Surprisingly, yes.”

He smirked, “I take it that’s a good thing?” 

I nodded, smiling back at him, “It’s good for a lot of things.” I did not just say that.

“For dancing…it’s good for a lot of different dance moves. There’s umm…a lot of hip thrusting…in Latin dances, is what I mean.” Fucking hell, Kat. Shut up. 

The longer I rambled, the bigger his smile got. I could feel the heat creeping up my neck and into my cheeks. “I’m just gonna stop there. That came out so wrong.”  

Dieter laughed, “It’s kind of cute when you're flustered.” 

I put my hands on my hips and blew a strand of hair out of my face, “Just…shut up.” He snorted, shaking his head at me as I moved to stand in the center of the room. “Alright, let’s focus and get this figured out.” 

He made his way over to me, still trying to hold in his chuckles while I ignored him and moved to stand in position. I tilted my head and arched my brows. I now had my serious face on, needing to move past that minor embarrassment. “Let’s go through what we have so far. Ok?”   

From that point on, the both of us were all business. Dieter was laser focused and I found that we collaborated well together. As the minutes ticked on, he seemed to be more comfortable expressing his thoughts about the routine, however, I could tell he was still holding back when it came to physical closeness. He would hesitate anytime he had to touch anywhere outside of my arms or waist.  

“Dieter, I really need for you to get over this physical contact phobia, ok? I’m telling you now, it’s ok to touch me while we’re dancing.” 

He squeezed his eyes shut and let out a controlled breath, “I know, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I’m just trying to be respectful, and this kind of goes against all that.” 

I placed both of my hands on his cheeks and squished them together causing his plump lips to pucker slightly. His eyes popped open and focused on me in shock, “I promise, I’ll give you a warning before I throat punch you if I feel like you're being inappropriate…k.”  

I patted the side of his face with my right hand, then pulled away. His eyes rounded as he stared at me, unblinking, “Is that supposed to be comforting? Because it isn’t.” 

A small chuckle bubbled out as I took in his expression. His puppy eyes were in full effect. I both hated and loved when he looked at me like that. It made me feel things I shouldn’t be feeling. 

I smirked, “I’m joking, I won’t throat punch you, but I will smack you if I think it’s necessary.” 

His brow furrowed as he shook his head, snorting out a small laugh, “Oh… okay. That’s sooo much better.” 

Rolling my eyes at him, I moved to our starting position. 

“Alright, stop your whining. Let’s take it from the top with what we have so far.” 

Dieter nodded and stepped closer, setting his frame, and taking hold of me. He was still too far away. I tilted my head and narrowed my eyes on him, sighing as I stepped even closer to his front so that we were in a proper closed position. He gave me a tight smile before looking off to the left. I began counting our steps as we moved around the room in perfect synchronization until Dieter’s timing faltered. We kept going, but I could feel his posture changing. I glanced over at him and realized his jaw was tense. 

“Is something wrong?” I asked without stopping. 

He kept going, not looking in my direction as he said, “It appears we have an audience.” 

During a reverse turn, I glanced toward the hallway windows - instantly finding the cause of his disturbance. Alec was watching us. His piercing gaze made me feel uneasy. What is his fucking problem? 

“Just keep going and ignore him. You’re not doing anything wrong…box turn, then promenade.” 

Dieter inhaled deeply following through on those instructions before moving to lead me into an inside turn. As we reached the end of the choreography that we had so far, I glanced toward the windows. Alec was gone. 

My eyes met Dieter’s, “Let’s take a water break.”

He nodded before pulling the hem of his shirt up to wipe the sweat off his forehead. I couldn’t help the way my eyes raked over his exposed skin. I had to force myself to turn away from him as I drank from my water bottle. 

“Alec doesn’t like me, does he?” Dieter asked from behind me before taking a drink of his own water.

I casually turned to him, “He’s concerned about your womanizing ways. I guess he’s worried you're gonna steal me away from him or something.”  

Dieter smirked, “I mean, I would never do anything you didn’t want me to…”

My brows arched in surprise at his words. I absolutely can’t handle him saying shit like that to me. I could already feel the effects of his words and that devilish smirk pulsing between my thighs. 

Dieter was quick to add, “That did not come out the way I meant it…” He shook his head and laughed nervously as he raked his hair back out of his face, “I just mean…I respect you too much to do anything like that. Your friendship is important to me. I don’t wanna ruin it by being a dick…and I’m not that guy anymore. Besides, he should trust you. You’ve been nothing but professional.” 

Friendship...I actually kind of hate that word. A crease formed between my brows as I looked down at the floor, “Yeah, well…you can’t tell him that apparently. Just don’t pay any attention to him. He’s being ridiculous over nothing. I’ll tell him to knock it off.” 

“Hey.” He was standing directly in front of me now as I looked up to meet his gaze. His obsidian eyes were burning into mine, nearly taking my breath away. “If I’m doing something to make things harder on you, please tell me. I can tell this is causing tension between you two.”  

I gave him a weak smile, “The fact that you even exist is enough to bother him. You’re not doing anything, so don’t stress about it.” 

His lips were set in a tight line as he studied my face, taking in my words. He didn’t look convinced, but he nodded and dropped the subject. We continued with building our routine for the next hour. Then our studio time was up for the day. 

By the time Friday rolled around, we pretty much had our routine planned out. It was a ‘behind the scenes’ filming day, so we had to put up with the camera crew being in our space as we ran through the full routine to the music for the first time. We also had to periodically stop to film their interview questions. The questions were beyond frustrating - mostly focusing on our chemistry and how well we worked together. It was clear they were trying to drive a certain narrative and were not getting what they wanted from us. I could tell Dieter had picked up on it too based on the looks he was shooting my way. It felt like such a waste of our time. Once we got rid of the film crew, we managed to complete a few run-throughs with the music without error. We were both feeling pretty good about it. However, Dieter admitted that his nerves were starting to flare up as we got closer to show day. He looked vulnerable at that moment, and I just wanted to pull him into a hug. Instead, I settled for a quick squeeze of the hand and told him everything would be ok because we would get through it together. That seemed to calm him some. 

Dieter’s POV This week had gone by in a blur. I attributed it to enjoying the time that I was spending with Kat. She and I were working so well together. I couldn’t recall ever having such a positive or productive experience with someone in a work setting. We were both clearly more comfortable around each other now. She was quick witted with her banter and often kept me on my toes with her jokes. I loved that we had a similar sense of humor. During the more serious moments, we worked together with such intense focus that it was almost like we shared a single brain - often on the same wavelength and anticipating what the other was saying before they said it. She was very receptive to any suggestions I had and often praised me for my involvement with crafting the routine, which only made me want to do more. There was nothing more satisfying than seeing her face light up when she liked one of my suggestions.   

As the week progressed and the dancing got more intense, Kat was going heavy on stretches to start the day. While it was torture, the partner stretches were quickly becoming one of my favorite things to do. I made sure to bust out the dramatics just to make her laugh. God, I loved hearing her laugh. I also didn’t mind the close proximity that some of the stretches put us in. When she made the comment about me having “loose hips” being good for a lot of things I was a little stunned. Her descent into embarrassment afterward was so fucking adorable. It was hard not to wonder if she had thought about me like that. Was it a Freudian slip? This was a thought that kept creeping in when I would least expect it and caused me to think all sorts of inappropriate things. Especially when she would give me that look that was somewhere between teasing and flirting that made my dick twitch. The logical part of my brain kept reminding me of that big shiny rock on her finger. The wishful side hoped that she did indeed feel something for me. 

The feelings that I was having were very complicated and I wasn’t sure how to navigate them. Alec was adding a whole other layer to things with his possessiveness over Kat. The guy honestly worried me a little bit, so I was determined to be on my best behavior when it came to her no matter what my emotions said. I didn’t want to give him any reason to do something stupid, because my gut told me he was that type that would.   

Sunday was our last rehearsal for the week in the dance studio. We spent our hours fine tuning things with the music the best we could without hearing the live band’s version of the song. Kat warned me that we may have to make last minute adjustments during the dress rehearsal, which was stressing me out a little. It just gave more room for me to fuck something up once we got the live show. Kat seemed surprisingly calm about the whole thing. Then again, she had been doing this for years. Her confidence in me did help alleviate some of the anxiety I was starting to feel, but not all of it.

After rehearsals, we made our way to Television City Studios. It was spray tan day for the entire cast. This was one of the things that I was not looking forward to. Upon arrival, I made my way to my dressing room to get undressed down to my boxer briefs and threw on the robe that was provided. I followed the robe clad group toward a big open room where everyone waited their turn. I quickly found Kat scrolling through her phone in the far corner, away from the crowd. I went to wait with her since I hadn’t really met any of the other cast members yet. We stood chatting as Alec and Lana slowly walked down the hallway; eyes fixed on each other as they shared a smile. Lana reached out to hook her arm with his, but once he noticed Kat, he pulled away from her and walked toward us. Yeah asshole, I see you.  

Alec was quick to wrap himself around Kat, putting his body between us as he did so. Alright man, I get it. You think you own her. He attempted to make small talk but was coming off as an arrogant asshole as he bragged about how great of a dance teacher he was. Kat honestly looked embarrassed by him. As I stood listening, a production assistant walked by. I took the opportunity to interrupt Alec to ask the PA what sort of spray tan they were using. The PA gave me a look of annoyance, “What does it matter?” she asked with a rude tone. Damn, who pissed in your cheerios this morning. 

“It matters because I don’t want a bunch of chemicals sprayed on me. That shit can cause a disruption in cellular metabolic processes…it can be carcinogenic. Is it all natural?” I had a slight irritation to my tone.

Her brow furrowed, “You’re worried about a spray tan when you used to do coke, LSD, and who knows what else? Is this a joke?” My eyes widened at her response. Ok. That’s probably a fair question. 

I sensed Kat was about to say something, but Alec stopped her. I gave the PA a sarcastic smile, “Well, I’ve gotta live a clean life now to make up for all that damage I did. Humor me, please.”

The PA rolled her eyes, “Yes, we use an all-natural certified organic spray tan solution. So, you're safe from the carcinogens.” She said that last bit with a snippy tone. I should be used to being talked to like this by now, but it still pissed me off. 

“Thank you, that’s all you had to say.”  

I heard Alec laugh as he turned his back toward me to talk to Kat, effectively dismissing me from the conversation. I could tell Kat wanted to say something to me, but he was blocking her from doing so as he asked her if she was free tonight. 

Another PA with a clipboard approached me at that point to let me know it was my turn. I gave Kat a tight smile as I was led into the large room that was set up with individual pop-up privacy tents for cast members to step into to remove their robes and get sprayed. 

Once I was finished, I went directly to my dressing room. My good mood had been soured by the PA’s comment and Alec being a jackass. I sat down in the chair in front of the vanity wondering what Alec and Kat’s relationship was actually like on a good day. I didn’t get good vibes from the guy. I really hoped that he treated her ok. She deserved that.   

I was drawn from my thoughts by a knock on the door, “Come in.” 

Kat came through the door, looking behind her as she entered. I assumed to check if anyone was around to see her enter my dressing room. When she finally turned to face me, she paused, taking in my state of undress with wide eyes. I was still wearing the robe and boxer briefs. I now realized the robe was no longer closed, “Oh shit…sorry,” I mumbled as I stood from the chair and tied it shut. I didn’t care if she saw me like this, I was used to it, but I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. 

She let out a breathy laugh, “No, you're fine. I just wasn’t expecting…that.” 

I chuckled, “Sorry, I’m used to being in various stages of undress on set…I don’t even think about it anymore. I’ll try to keep my clothes on around you.” 

Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip to hold back a smile as she continued to stare at me for a beat, eventually clearing her throat to speak, “Umm…I-I just wanted to come check on you. That PA was kind of an asshole.”  

I waved my hand, “Don’t even worry about it. I’m not.” I’m more bothered by Alec. 

She nodded, “Ok, good…yeah, don’t let that get to you. It’s not worth it.” She shifted her weight and stuck her hands in her back pockets, “How are you feeling about tomorrow?” 

Moving to lean against the vanity, I huffed out a small laugh and scratched at the back of my neck as I stared at the ugly gray stained carpet, “Honestly, I’m nervous as fuck…but…I know you won’t let me mess up too badly.”  You make everything ok. 

My eyes flicked up to meet hers. We stared at each other in silence for a moment. I felt like there was a weird electricity in the air between us. I really wanted to reach out and touch her, to hug her, but I knew that wasn’t a good idea. 

Her lips finally broke into a small smile, “Don’t worry Bravo, I’ve got you. I think you’ll do just fine. You’re better than you think.” 

She turned on her heel to move toward the door, “Well, I’m gonna head home…try and relax and get some rest. We have an early start and it’s gonna be a long day.” 

“You mean you’re not going out with Alec?” I blurted out the question without thinking, like it was any of my damn business what they were doing.  

Kat shook her head, “No, he wanted to go out with some other castmates. I’m not about that kind of lifestyle these days. I have to rest…and he knows that.” 

It made me happier than it should have to know she wouldn’t be spending the evening with Alec. I knew that I shouldn’t be having those kinds of thoughts, they were engaged for fucks sake. They were going to spend time together whether I wanted them to or not. I really needed to get my thoughts under control before this became an issue. 

I pursed my lips, nodding as I forced a smile, “I’ll see you in the morning then. Have a good evening.”

She seemed reluctant as she nodded and reached for the doorknob, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

A short time after I got home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how Kat had gone out of her way to come check on me. Most people wouldn’t bother to do that these days, not that I blamed them. I didn’t deserve anyone’s concern after the way I treated people when I was deep in my addiction. I had to make sure I didn’t fuck this up with her. I sank down into the sofa as I unlocked my phone and pulled up Kat’s number. I started typing a text message and hit send before I could second guess myself. 

Dieter: Thank you for checking in with me. I should have said that earlier. I appreciate it more than you know. I don’t have a lot of people in my life that would do that right now.

I watched as the message status changed to ‘read’. The bubbles started bouncing, telling me that she was typing something, then stopped. That happened a few more times before her response came through. 

Kat: You don’t have to thank me for that. I’ll always check in with you. That’s what friends are for.  

Seeing the word “friend” was sort of a punch in the gut, but I needed that. It helped get my head back where it should be. However, that word also meant that she viewed me as more than just a castmate, which was somewhat comforting. At least I could have a friendship with her. It was more than I had with anyone else at the moment. I decided to push all those thoughts aside and head to bed early before I lost my focus.

My alarm went off at 6 AM the following morning. After a quick shower, I threw on some gym clothes and headed to the local coffee shop. I wasn’t about to try and sustain myself with whatever it was that Craft Services was handing out. I picked up a cup for Kat too, since I now knew how she liked it. I pulled into Television City Studios parking with minutes to spare before we had to be in the ballroom to meet with the band, lighting team, and the cinematographer. We had to make sure the music was right, discuss the lighting scheme, and determine camera blocking for our performance.

As I walked in, I spotted Kat already chatting with the music director and walked over to greet her, handing her coffee over as I stood at her side. They were discussing the tempo of our song to make sure the band hit the mark with it since it had so many variations. As Kat talked, she looped her hand through my arm and gave it a squeeze. I assumed she could sense my anxiety and it did help alleviate it some. As we went through the details, I noticed other cast members starting to file in and sit around the dance floor.  

Once Kat was done going over everything with the band and lighting, Alec came over to offer her some coffee. She gave him a tight smile as she held up her cup, “I’m good, but thanks.” 

His brow furrowed, “Alright, maybe Lana will want it then.” What a fucking dick. 

I felt like he was purposely trying to throw her off her game with that comment. She watched him with narrowed eyes as he walked off toward a small crowd of cast members. I could see her jaw muscles flex before her eyes met mine, “Alright, we’re gonna do a quick run through with the band. There are 18 cameras, so they’ll work on adjusting those as we go through it. If we need to make changes, they’ll let us know. We’ll come back later for the dress rehearsal and run through it a few more times with everything in place.” 

I took a deep breath and nodded. She leaned in to meet my gaze with a small smile, “Hey, we’ve got this. Don’t worry.” 

She reached down and grabbed my hand, pulling me over to our starting mark. As the band began playing, I was already thrown off by how different the music sounded from the track that was provided to us. I think Kat could sense it as she quietly called out some verbal cues at the start. Once we got going, I was on track and made it through the routine with only a few small errors. 

Luckily, there were no last-minute suggested changes to the routine. I’m not sure if I would have retained it if there had been. We had another quick discussion with the producers about the lighting before they cleared us for hair and makeup.  

I suddenly felt like all eyes were on us as we exited the ballroom. It was a little unnerving. Kat leaned in, “Ignore them, they’re just sizing up their competition. There are pros and cons to going first.” 

I chuckled nervously, “And what exactly is a pro for going first?” 

“We don’t have to deal with a frustrated production team. Trust me, they turn into assholes real fast dealing with this bunch.” 

I laughed, “Yeah, that makes sense. How do they decide the order?” 

She smiled, “Well, I got here first this morning…”

I nodded, “So that should be our goal then? Get here first. Got it.” 

The rest of the morning was a blur. Kat and I spent hours in hair and makeup getting poked and prodded at. Luckily this time, we were seated next to each other so we could at least chat through it - mostly focusing on our routine. Once that was finally finished, we headed back to our individual dressing rooms where our costumes were waiting for us. After getting changed, we met back up outside the ballroom to go in for dress rehearsals. Kat looked amazing of course, but I did prefer her more natural look. They had slathered so much makeup and hair gel on the both of us we looked like completely different people. She joked that it was going to take multiple washings to get all the gel out of our hair. I was already not looking forward to going through that process. 

As we walked toward the dance floor for our first run through in costume, I couldn’t help but notice the amount of exposed skin Kat’s gown was showing. I realized for the first time that my hands would be on her bare skin while we were dancing. It was both thrilling and anxiety inducing. I had to quickly shove that thought aside because it threatened to completely derail my focus.

We went through our routine several more times. By the last run through with the music, cameras, and lighting in place, I was feeling more confident about everything. Kat took a minute to give me a small pep talk before she had to run off to change costumes for the group rehearsal. I had to give her credit; she had been very patient with me. She made sure to take time to explain each step of the process to help ease my anxiety. She had been very positive and encouraging as we worked through it all.  

I sat and watched the group rehearsal while I waited for my final fitting time slot with the wardrobe department. The performance was some sort of Latin style dance. Kat did amazingly well. I couldn’t take my eyes off her rhythmic hip movements as she whirled around the floor in time to the beat. I had to chastise myself for looking at her in that way, but it was hard not to. She was electric and commanded the attention of the room above everyone else. 

Stacia stood nearby, watching the performance, just as she had been for all of them so far. However, I was now noticing her occasional glances in my direction. As she was moving toward the other end of the dance floor, she stopped in front of me, “Kat is on fire today. I’m not sure I’ve seen her do this well in a while. I take it that things are going well with the two of you?”

I felt the crease form between my brows as confusion etched my face. What is she actually asking me? “Yeah, I mean…we work well together. She’s a good teacher.”

Stacia narrowed her eyes slightly at my response, then smirked, “Right, you’ve said that.” Fuck. Did I just tip her off on something? I felt like she could see through me as she turned and walked away. Surely, she didn’t think something was going on between Kat and me? I sighed and turned my attention back to the group performance, hoping I didn’t just have a serious fuck up.     

As I watched the third run through for the group, I realized something. Kat had been partnered to dance with Alec, which wasn’t surprising. What was surprising was the vibe between the two of them. It seemed different from the videos that I had watched of their competitions. Her face was expressionless. There was no longer a fiery look behind her eyes as they moved together - almost like there was no connection between them. Maybe she was just focused on getting the choreography correct. They hadn’t practiced the group routine that much after all. That had to be it, right? I couldn’t allow myself to think that it was any other reason. 

After their last run through, Kat walked off the dancefloor, directly over to me to get her water bottle. After taking a long drink, she turned to me, “We need to get to wardrobe for our final fittings. They’ll have our heads if we’re late.”   

I followed behind Kat toward the wardrobe department. She had to pop into her dressing room to grab her other costume on the way. They took us to the back as soon as we walked in. The tailor that we had worked with before, Amy, gave Kat a once over. They both seemed satisfied with her first costume, so Kat went to the changing room to switch to the black gown she would be wearing for our performance. While Kat was changing, Amy turned her attention to me, “Well, your buttons don’t seem to be hanging on for dear life this time, so I think we should be good. Do the pants feel ok? Not too tight?” 

I shook my head, “No everything feels like it fits perfectly. Thank you for making the size adjustments.” Amy seemed proud of herself as she gave me one last look over. Kat returned in her gown minutes later.

“Does everything feel ok on this one Kat?” Amy asked as she stood back to look over the fit of the gown.  

“Yeah, it fits like a glove. Perfect as always. I do have a request though…would it be possible to get a lower heel for both costumes?”

Amy’s brow furrowed, “You know production won’t be happy if you have different shoes for the group performance. Do you not wanna wear regulation heel height?”

Kat sighed, “Fine, I’ll keep the ones for group, but I would like lower ones to go with the gown. If we can try to keep them lower for the rest of the season as much as possible that would be great.”

Amy gave her a sympathetic look, “Are you having foot pain already?”

Kat huffed out a laugh, “No... not yet, but I’m trying really hard to avoid it as much as I can.” 

Amy nodded before disappearing to the back. 

I knew Kat could see the confusion on my face when she glanced up at my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t understand what they were talking about. “Everything ok?”  

She gave me a tight smile, “Did you know that for every inch added to heels, the weight on the pad of your foot increases by 25%. Regulation heel height for ballroom is two and a half inches…for Latin it's three. Heels change your gait and the way you move. I have arthritis in my feet, knees, and hips. The heels and Latin dances really do a number on me because I’m too fucking old to be doing this. So, I’m trying to be proactive before it gets too bad to dance.”   

Suddenly everything made sense. My mouth fell open in shock. Fuck. I had no idea. “That’s why this is your last season?” 

She nodded, “Yep. I’m retiring from competitive dancing.” 

I could tell this wasn’t an easy decision. I could see how much she loved dancing. My heart was aching for her. That would be like me giving up acting. Just the thought of doing that freaked me the fuck out. 

I gave her a devilish smile, “Well, that settles it then. We’re gonna win this fucking competition. You’re going out on top.”

She laughed, grabbing my hand to pull me in for a quick side hug, “Thank you…for trusting me to be your partner.” 

I pulled her in closer for a tight hug, realizing she had multiple meanings behind her words. I could feel my chest tighten as I worked to steady my emotions. It seemed that both of us had demons to battle. As we pulled away, Amy appeared from the back with a different pair of shoes for Kat, “Best I can do is a one and a half inch. We don’t have a lot of lower heels on hand.” 

Kat took the shoes from her, “That’s perfect, I’ll take them. Thank you.”  

After we finished with Amy, we stopped in hair and makeup for quick touch ups. While we were getting touched up, I could tell Kat was starting to get nervous, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly as she looked up at the clock on the wall.

I glanced her way, “You good?” 

She chuckled, “Yeah, I always get a little pre-show jitters. It’ll pass. It’s 3:40…They’ll be bringing the audience in now. It’s almost time.” 

I pursed my lips then laughed, “You can’t be nervous. It’s gonna make me nervous.” 

She reached her hand across the space between the chairs, I grabbed it in mine so she could give it a comforting squeeze as she looked at me intently, speaking in a low voice, “You have no reason to be nervous. You’ve got this. After seeing some of the rehearsals, I honestly think you're one of the best on the cast this season. At least in the top three.”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled, “Yeah, whatever. You’re just lubing me up.”

She gave me a toothy grin and laughed, “No, I’m serious.” 

Alec and Lana’s reflection caught my attention in the mirror as they walked into the room. I dropped Kat’s hand and gave her a small smile. Alec approached us from behind, walking around Kat’s chair to lean down and give her a quick kiss, “You look beautiful, baby. Good luck out there. Your dress rehearsal looked great.”

Kat’s brows arched as she chewed on the inside of her cheek, “Thank you. You too.” She gave him a small smile, but it looked forced. Alec moved to sit at the empty station beside Lana, but I could tell he was watching us through the mirror. Kat didn’t say much after that, not until we were finished and walking toward the dressing rooms so she could change back into her group performance costume. 

I waited for her in the hallway - going through the routine in my head as I stood there. It was only a few minutes before Kat joined me with her phone and wired earbuds in hand. As she walked over to me, I noticed she was looking down the hallway with an annoyed expression, I laughed quietly, “What’s wrong?”  

“Anika is looking at you like you’re a fresh piece of meat.” 

“Oh?” I turned in the direction Kat had been looking. Sure enough, there was a short blonde giving me a flirty smile. I gave her something between a grimace and smile back as I turned toward Kat, “Yeah, sorry about her luck. That’s not happening.” 

Kat laughed, “Why? Not your type?”

I shook my head, “No, not anymore. I don’t date party girls. Actually, I’m taking a hiatus from dating at the moment. They recommended that in rehab. At least until I’m sure I have my shit together.”  

Kat arched a brow in my direction, “So you haven’t…dated…anyone since you went to rehab…eight months ago?

I scratched at the back of my neck nervously, “Since before that. It’s been like eleven months since I hooked up with anyone.” 

She was now raising both eyebrows at me, “Hooked up?” 

I grimaced, “Yeah, I didn’t really do the whole relationship thing before. I was kind of a mess and an asshole.”

She chuckled, “I’m sure you broke a lot of hearts.”

I sucked air in through my teeth, “Ehhh…Doubtful. Most of them were just as fucked up as me. They were usually trying to get something outta me…money, fame…the list goes on. It’s part of the reason I have a hard time trusting people.”  

Kat was giving me an intense look now. It was that look that made my stomach do flips and my heart race in my ears. I could feel the electricity crackling between us again. 

“But you trust me?” More than anyone. 

I waited a beat to answer as my eyes roamed over her face, “Yeah...I do.” 

Joe and Stacia chose that moment to walk by, yelling out a 20-minute warning to start time. Stacia gave us a wide smile as they continued past us. I looked back at Kat, now realizing how closely we were standing. I backed away slightly as we gave each other an awkward smile. 

“We should probably head to the staging area.” I nodded and followed closely behind her. 

Before I knew it, the show was starting. I stood in the staging area, watching the group performance. Kat of course did the routine to perfection. Once they were finished, she had to run off to change. Luckily our performance was toward the end of the show, so she didn’t have to rush. I sat watching the show until she reappeared at my side, smiling and breathless. I gave her a lopsided grin, “You did amazing.” Her cheeks flushed at the compliment before she murmured a quiet “Thank you.” 

She busied herself with untangling her corded earbuds. As I watched her, I had to appreciate that she didn’t use the wireless kind. Once she had them untangled, she handed one of them to me. I gave her a confused look, “I like to listen to music to get hyped up before performances. It helps with the nerves.” I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. This was something I often did while filming to get into character. 

I stuck the bud in my ear just as the familiar opening beats of Lose Yourself started playing. I glanced up at her, “Eminem…really?”   

She gave me a toothy grin, nodding before she started bobbing her head to the music. I laughed, following her lead. She grabbed my hands, shaking my arms and forcing me to move in time with her to the beat as she started quietly mouthing the words. If her goal was to distract me, it was working. By the time the song ended, it was nearly our turn. We stood bouncing on our feet to keep the energy going until it was time for us to walk out onto the dance floor and take our places. 

I could hear the blood pulsing in my ears as we waited for the music to start - both of us breathing heavily in anticipation. The electricity between Kat and I only seemed amplified by the audience's excitement as we walked down the small set of steps to the opening notes, arm in arm. The moment I took her hand for the inside turn, something just clicked between us as we moved in perfect synchronization across the dance floor. Our connection felt differently than it had during rehearsals. The heat of her bare skin caused my fingertips to tingle as they slid down her back and sides. I could sense that Kat felt it too because her eyes were blazing from the energy passing between us. It was almost like we were moving as one. I found the intensity of the moment was strangely intoxicating.

I was in a daze as the performance came to an end. Kat quickly pulled me in for a hug as she jumped up and down while the crowd applauded loudly around us. The performance went by so quickly I didn’t even have time to think. It was more muscle memory than anything. All I could do was let out the breath I had been holding and smile down at her as we walked over to speak with the judges. 

The judges mostly gave compliments, noting that we had pulled off the elegance of the dance, making it seem effortless and magnetizing. One of them even commented on the electricity and connection between us. I guess I wasn’t the only one that felt it. The feedback they gave was that I needed to make sure I was holding my frame all the way through the performance. That didn’t surprise me as Kat was constantly calling me out me on it. Holding the frame absolutely wore my back out, so it was a struggle.

After getting the judges feedback, we moved over to the interview area to answer a few questions about our performance while we waited for the scores to be chosen and verified. Kat grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly as I rambled on about the challenges I had during rehearsal. As I finished answering the question, the host went back to the judges for scoring. They gave us three 8’s and one 7. It was the highest anyone had scored so far. I was in shock as Kat pulled me in for another hug.  

Once we were back in the staging area, I burst out laughing. I couldn’t believe it. Once I finally got it together, I glanced at Kat who was smiling at me. Her eyes were still bright with emotion as I grabbed her, pulling her in for another tight hug, “I cannot believe we just did that…you were so fucking amazing.”

She pulled away, still smiling, “You were too. I told you, you’re good at this. If we keep that up, I think we have a real chance of making it to finals.”    

I nodded, suddenly feeling much more confident about this whole thing. 

We stayed around to see how the last few performances went, letting the adrenaline burn off as we critiqued the competition. There were only two other couples who had scores near ours. Anika and her partner were a few points below us. Alec and Lana were tied with us. I could feel Kat tensing beside me as the judges read off Alec and Lana’s scores. I knew she had to be considering how those two being our biggest competition could affect things going forward. It would undoubtedly create even more tension between her and Alec. There was also the narrative of the show to consider. Kat and I both knew the executive producers would somehow use this to their advantage.  

Week 3

A/N: Whew, we have soooooo much to unpack for this chapter. We had lots of bonding and some mild flirting with Dieter & Kat. You know I want to hear all your thoughts and thots about these two.

We had more shenanigans from Stacia and Joe. What do you think they are up to? Now we have Anika throwing some attention Dieter’s way. Then there is the Alec & Lana nonsense going on…and just Alec’s nonsense in general.

Also…Dieter is totally not being honest with his therapist AND he has a fucking cat now. 🤭

Of course they nailed their first performance. They are going to be a force to be reckoned with. Speaking of their performance, I’ve been watching A LOT of DWTS episodes and videos as I write this fic. So, for each week I’m going to share one or two videos that inspired Dieter & Kat’s performance for the chapter. This chapter’s inspiration is linked below. The first video is more of what I envisioned for their first dance. The second is a sexier foxtrot that would have had Dieter’s head spinning, but he’s totally down for it. Don’t worry, they will get there eventually.

✨More good stuff below the videos.✨

👉In case you missed it, head on over HERE to check out this amazing video that @survivingandenduring was kind enough to put together for Closed Position. It's hot and has all the Dieter & Kat ✨vibes✨. I’m still screaming over it!

👉I have started working on a playlist for Closed Position. I will be adding to it as inspiration strikes. I plan to add the songs used for Dieter & Kat's performances as we go along too.

Taglist: @secretelephanttattoo @titlee78 @maggiemayhemnj @legendary-pink-dot @morallyinept @survivingandenduring  @wannab-urs @harriedandharassed @hisandsnakes @misstokyo7love @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @sin-djarin @cakipy-blog @missladym1981 @guelyury @weho2kcmo @alokaerza @girlofchaos @trulybetty @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @madnessofadaydreamer @darkheartgatita @jazzloveslatte @timpletance @musings-of-a-rose @samiamproductions @myloveistoolittle @for-a-longlongtime  @copperhalfcent @auteurdelabre @drewharrisonwriter @burntheedges @stevie75 @bunniboo0015 @quicax3 @jackie923 @sherala007 @pastelnap @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @jessthebaker @rebel-held @gwendibleywrites @pedrostories

*If your name is marked out, it wouldn’t let me tag you. ☹️

If you would like to be added to the tag list, let me know in the comments or shoot me a DM.

Credits: Support/MDNI Dividers: @cafekitsune Disco Divider: @deadbranch

[twilight-resonance]

And So It Ever Goes

Well, I have once again fallen into the trap of not journaling regularly and sliding into a hole of all the bad things that happen to my general wellbeing when I don’t do that, so we’re here trying to rectify that. I am sitting here on a rainy day in the mostly-dark, bundled up in a cloak to stay warm; and we’re going to see what we can say that might part some of the internal cloud cover.

I’m not doing okay. Haven’t been since October, really. I knew going into this year that I was going to need to be going to therapy regularly in order to stay sane in this job, but I’d had a few not-great experiences with my current one by about that time and didn’t want to keep seeing them. So here we are, several months later, and I’m doing absolute dogshit. The worst part is, it crept up slowly; I didn’t think in October that things were getting bad- just weird - but by early-mid November it became clear that things were in fact getting bad and had started about then. So it snuck up on me. So now I’m trying to find a new therapist because it has become abundantly clear that I would rather do nothing than go see my old one, and we’re... doing our best in the meantime.

It’s just... so isolating, this job. Don’t get me wrong, I love working with the kids and with my assistant, and the staff at the schools have all been very supportive; but at the end of the day, I wish I had an actual colleague to talk to. Someone that I can compare notes with and collaborate with, and say “hey, are you seeing this trend in players?” and “here’s this neat game I came up with, want to workshop it some?” and “how did you handle this kid, and can you tell me anything about what you’re seeing on your end?”. But see, that’s the trouble of doing a job that’s so niche. There are... four people in the world total who can do what I do the way I do it, and only one other who can do it on my same level. And it just so happens that they’re the one person in the world that I can’t talk to, about any of it. And it really fucking sucks. 

Brings up a lot of feelings too, of course. Like I said some posts ago, I think - long drives too and from, and lots of time to have all kinds of unresolved thoughts and feelings swelling up and swirling about. I watched Treasure Planet twice in a row the other day, and that sort-of helped work through some of those. But I need to actually have someone help me work through it, better than that. It was something, but it’s better than nothing.

Creative burnout is... only as much a problem as it is because of the feelings. I am doing so much better on the writing and storytelling and creative expression fronts than I was a year ago - in that I can do this at all, even if it is perpetually in my ZPD. Yes, once upon a time being endlessly creative and having the stamina for that was not a problem; but what happened happened, and we’re still working on regrowing into whatever shape we can. It’s definitely taking a toll on me, though. The big one that would help is more creative input - new stories, learning new things, new activities, new games, etc - but because of the aforementioned emotional toll, I don’t have energy to do any of those new things that would be good for me creatively. So I come home, do the easy things because it’s better than doing nothing, and fall further.

Like I said: don’t get me wrong. It’s not wrong that - as one of Hearthsnail’s co-workers said - this is my dream job, and I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. It does present me some unique challenges though. The last month or so has been particularly rough. Which has been tiring in its own way, because the emotional stamina it takes to wrangle the feelings... Just one more compounding factor.

So yes, I’m tired. Spiritually, truthfully, more than anything else. But that’s nothing new. We just carry on, as we always do.

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We went to Zion National Park for Hearthsnail’s birthday. Long drive out, but well worth it. Absolutely gorgeous, for one; and such a different landscape than we’re used to. Naturally, he and I spent large portions of the time nerding out about geology shit, because thinking about the formation of the canyon and what was happening contemporary to each of the rock layers and how geology in our area and Zion share some common bedrock (so to speak) and so on was a lot of fun. Lots of interesting stuff. Otherwise, too, it just did us some good to be out in nature for a few days and walking around and exercising and getting some intellectual fresh soil.

It was cold. We’d come prepared with a thicker sleeping bag, and it still wasn’t enough. I slept each night in layers, a blanket, and a hat. That’s what you get for camping in the desert in basically winter, of course, but I still wish we had warmer clothes in the first place. Like, at all in our wardrobes. Again, still well-worth it. Speaking of clothes and worth it, what we had done was get Hearthsnail some actual hiking boots instead of his Vans, and that made a huge difference in how willing he is to tackle longer or more strenuous hikes. He was talking about them all trip, and I think were definitely a good thing.

We also went to Bryce canyon for one of the days while we were there. My only memory of it is also in the wintertime, from a road trip my family did to visit my grandparents; we stopped for maybe half an hour to look at all the orange spires covered in snow, and so that’s my memory of the place. Sure enough, there was plenty of snow on the ground the day we went, too. I was so happy driving up through Dixie Forest, and had Hearthsnail stop the car so that we could get out and play in the snow. Once we were there, we actually hiked down into the canyon, too; almost didn’t make it back up before dark, especially with my asthma and his discomfort with heights kicking in, but we made it. Honestly though, if I had to pick a favorite part, it was the drive to and back from Zion. Something about the landscape and the clouds and the snowswept plateau really captured my imagination.

Poetry came back while we were there. I started a couple different poems, in a way I haven’t done since Before. Small things, and unfinished, but there at all; and it was good (”and God said, ‘let there be Light’ - and there was light, and it was good”).

(Again, don’t get me wrong - I’m not Christian, nor religious in that way. I think I feel sometimes that which Christians call god and which my strictly atheist friends don’t seem to see or feel, but I wouldn’t call it god. God is too small a word for what it is. Nevertheless, the sentiment still echoes.)

Speaking of light, fire was the last thing. I didn’t realize til this trip that I’m used to building fires with a particular kind of wood, so when I was faced with a wood that behaved very differently, it was a challenge to wrangle the fire and keep it from going out. I almost killed it once or twice the first night we had a fire, which I never do. I did learn what it needed - to be packed closer together and with more fuel altogether than I’m used to - but I went through four bundles of wood figuring it out. Not great economical conditions for cooking in, which is unfortunate because we’d finally gotten a dutch oven for campfire cooking and I wanted to try it out. We cooked one meal - that night - and didn’t cook much of anything else while we were there. Just snacked, and went into town for big meals because Springdale is very much set up for that.

It was a good trip. Like I said, good for both of us. We missed Thanksgiving because we spent the day driving back, so we cooked Thanksgiving food at the beginning of this week and have been enjoying it immensely. Thanksgiving food is the best.

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Before we went to Zion, we’d been trying to get a fair amount of practice hiking in. One part to break in Hearthsnail’s new shoes before we were actually on the trip, and one part to get even slightly more in shape before we arrived. Neither of us has been in good shape for a while, and it would have sucked to get there and not been able to do much of anything hikes-wise.

So we got to a point where we were ready to do a trial run of a much longer hike, and thusly took a friend to one of our favorite hiking spots nearby. This friend I will give the usename Squigglefolk for lack of another name. This particular hike is one that we’ve never finished before - only stopped about halfway - but is always interesting because it passes through so many different environments and varied geology and some special added-in human features too. We figured Squigglefolk would enjoy it and we’d been wanting to invite them to come do something with us anyway, so that was the pick.

It was a good trial run. In addition to the shoes, we were also testing out our new hiking pack and how much food and water we could/should carry. It was a lot of fun. A relatively quiet day - windy and cloudy and quiet, and I think it repelled a lot of folks - and it was fun just all climbing around and talking and sharing together. 

We did eventually reach the end of the trail. Clearly not many folks do; most of them must turn back where we usually do, because the trail further out was overgrown and littered with logs and rivulets and, towards the end, almost disappeared entirely. The end of the trail was really cool, though - it was this just blasted volcanic landscape, and it looked like Mordor with a better view. I wish we’d had more time to spend up there - gotten there earlier and eaten our lunch there and had more time to explore - but we weren’t up there long when something in the weather turned and I had the sense that we needed to go back now.

Glad we turned back when we did. The wind picked up and it got dark fast - it was just shy of full darkness by the time we reached back from the car, and we had to be wary of falling trees knocked over by the wind on the way back. To say nothing of big animals that tend to come out at twilight, and keeping an eye for those. We were all exhausted on the way back, especially on a particularly punishing uphill section - but we made it. Got some warm drinks once we were out of the mountains and listened to silly music, courtesy of Squigglefolk. It was a good day, and we all had a good time. We might have to go back again all together sometime.

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There have maybe been a few other things here and there. Doctor’s appointments, game days, elections, and the otherwise ceaseless turn of chores and tasks. Running D&D for Hearthsnail’s coworkers has been a lot of fun, and probably the thing that’s been most fun for me to run of all the things I’m doing right now. We don’t play often, but it’s always good when we do. I also took over running D&D on the weekends for Hearthsnail’s sister-and-brother-in-law’s crew - so I’ve been running Multiversal here and there as well. D&D before that was fun too, as is being able to be a player for a bit. More things to run, though, which stretches me ever-thinner. 

Our save-the-dates are almost done. Just gotta get them stamped and mailed out. Oughta do that sooner over later, if we can. Sometime in the midst of it all.

Anyway. I’m sleepy. And I have other work to do. I’m going to move along, as one does, and see what else I can get done. And so it ever goes.