#<- needs to find a new therapist but that takes too much fucking energy

[bonetrousled]

ohhhh the unending march of time onwards can do that

[sugardolle]

my new routine to life. 💋

how i get everything i want + succeed. 🎀

first off i don’t use subliminals neither do i participate in affirmation challenges. i use to but i grew to feel that it’s unnecessary. on my account you won’t see neither of those.

i know about affirmations, i know about non dualism, i know about states. however something about all of this did not sit right with me idc, my brain didn’t like it. all of this information and you’re bound to be confused especially with the arguments about what and what, literally for weeks. people take “do what works for you” for granted.

i didn’t throw all of these ideas and concepts away however i shaped tf out of them to fit what feels right with me, and that’s what a lot of people don’t do, hence all of these arguments for no reason ! a bunch of mad people and for what.

a @/nazdoll.e original post ( insta ).

ONE ) i know that what i want will show up for me now or what society called the future. time doesn’t exists to me, my future is my present and so is my past. manifesting on a time crunch doesn’t exist either in my book. because if i already had it, is it really a time crunch? you can’t want something so bad for it just to not show up. when you know you have this much power, whatever you want can’t not show up for you. it’s bound to at this point.

TWO ) when something isn't 'showing' up, it isn't because of me. because i know once i become aware that this thing exist in my life at some point of "time." knowing time does NOT exist. it exists now. i can easily decide on when to have it. just because i became aware of that fact. and for two; the 4D & 3D are the same exact thing. they can't exist separately it's one complete thing. so whatever it is that i want it has no choice but to show up.

THREE ) i can't fix a broken person, i'm not their momma nor a therapist. i feel like a lot of ppl should hear this! i will never take my train of thought, etc., to 'manifest' back dirt ass people !when i can use that energy to put a better person into my life that didn't fuck me over the first time. cause friendship wise i thought about it before but i thought to myself do i need this past energy in my life again?' like nooo. it’s a fresh breath of air manifesting someone new and i find it more comfortable and easier. i’m too good to do myself dirty.

FOUR ) life is effortless once you know you have zero limits, and become aware that you are in control of your own limits ! i promise just sit down one day & close your eyes and become aware of the fact that you can control the limit(s) that you think you have. you can literally erase it.

FIVE ) my mindset has no labels. if it seems correct to me, i will take this and that and follow it. what most of us need to do is relearn and go back to the "basics". the first thing we learned that got us to wherever we are now. it helped me so much, and got rid of any clutter in my mind.. with the information i have, i know i got hella options and so it was just a big spot of ink in my mind. i threw away some stuff and kept some.

i’m now one of those one people who just write down what they want and decide that i have it. fuck a state, fuck an affirmation, that’s literally how it is. obviously i’m educated about those things but i don’t take up all of my time trying to “get in a state” or “how long should i saturated for?”

if you can’t be a spoiled brat about what you want then i don’t know what to tell you. because that’s what it basically it is. 🎀

signing off — vixendolle ( kaydolle ). 🍭 ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ ʚɞ ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

[doomhamster]

Okay so since my therapist is being no use: how would YOU deal with a situation where your brain isn't even allowing you to THINK about things that make you feel bad?

[Mental health stuff under cut: nothing obviously triggering but maybe avoid if you, too, are having a bad time.]

Let us posit that you have an impressive collection of things that make you feel bad. Even ones that shouldn't!

Family occasions? Make you think of previous family occasions that you've missed, and how you may miss this one because of your shitty mental health, and what a bad daughter/sister/aunt/in-law that makes you, and how your loved ones probably think you don't care about them at all. (And *do* you really? Wouldn't you be able to Find The Energy and Just Do This if you really loved them?)

The insurance payout you got a few months ago after years of poverty? Makes you think of the relentless flood of advice from your family, all of which amounts to "don't waste this on frivolous things like you always do". Makes you feel guilty because you bought that new bed, even though your back was starting to act up from how much the old one sucked. Makes you feel even *more* guilty because some of it went to living expenses during that one month recently when you literally did not manage to cook even once.

Let's not even get started on things that stress out even normal people, like bills and appointments and important phonecalls.

I've suffered from executive dysfunction all my life, so I'm no stranger to struggling with actually doing things, but now I can't even THINK about doing it. I set the alarms and I make the notes, and I hear them and I see them, and then I just... don't. Gone. I almost miss the old days of sitting for a whole day knowing you MUST do this thing and it really would only take five minutes, and not doing it, because at least then things didn't just get deleted from my awareness?

Does anyone have any advice on what to do about this? Books to read? Videos to watch? A clue about what the fuck is even going on, because at this point I'm starting to suspect some kind of stress-induced early dementia?

[Disclaimer: if you're going to type anything on the lines of "You really need to just pull yourself together and do it"? Don't. I can't brute-force this shit or I would have, and neither of us will enjoy my reaction to that kind of thoughtlessness.]

[were--ralph]

oversharing vent time

im literally the only person in this house with a job and i can't afford to find another one right now because I'm the -only- one with a job and i don't have the luxury of not having health insurance or income at all. because of that i can't buy things i want besides the occasional furry commission once every month if that

its also like. my brother is a complete deadbeat and legally we can't put him out so he's just a cancer on this household and mooches money while I essentially take care of two disabled people, him, and his kids who are here every fucking day because their mother is a shit

then like aside from that I have to work at a place that literally makes me want to kms like actually literally daily and It's draining me so much the only real shot i have of working in an industry i enjoy im too tired to do homework or stream when i get home and i take a nap and wake up with only a few hours before i do it all over again. being at work has become an actual struggle to finish one shift to the point I often leave early and just....don't care if i get fired or what the fuck happens

then aside from all that school is the absolute worst experience ive had in my life with learning new skills and everyone has seen me talk about it but i can't learn anything from it and im too exhausted and depressed when i get home to find a way to learn on my own

then aside from all that I'm constantly plagued with lonely thoughts and not even due to like wanting sex or even romantic stuff i just need an outlet to feel normal and good and not stressed and my therapist is no help literally at all so i dropped her so I really can't do like anything at all

then the closest family member ive cared for in my life cut me off abruptly with no explanation and im still reeling over that

i genuinely like. do not enjoy being alive in the sense that pretty much every aspect of my life right now sucks. I have no escape, I have no money, I am exhausted daily, I'm depressed daily, I'm overworked, all i have are my three cats who I don't even have the time or energy to play with anymore, i keep cutting off my friends because.....i dont even know anymore

I almost want to just quit my job and not have any income just to make people have to do things and let myself just.......exist. just exist.

i just needed to vent to the void and i feel much better now but still not good

[mslanna]

Happy New Year or Something

Here I am, for now with what will have to pass for New Year's Resolutions.

1. Less AuDHD exhaustion

I will take a closer look at all the things I do and how much energy they take and make sure I don't overdo. That will suck because there is not much I can do to make work less exhausting. I had a great streak last summer where there was about nothing to do. Did wonders for my mental health. But I am already seeing the exhaustion creep in at the corners.

I will observe it (and me) and I will find a way to reduce it. Making my reduced hours official will be one step. Maybe I can get more than 2 hours per week less for the same pay. Here is hoping.

2. Less beating myself up

I'm still very good at it. Therapy helps me to do it less but I am Very Bad at finding out what the actual problem is and get hung up on symptoms. Being kind to myself is great (and helps a lot) but it won't work unless I understand where to be kind and to apply changes that help.

Like, telling myself it's fine is one thing. But telling myself where it comes from and why it happened and that it is fine because I am still learning myself and it will pass and next time I will do better because I now know – that is better help for me.

3. Therapy

I am not very good at therapy, but my therapist is so we are making progress. Small, erratic and unpredictable, but it is there. I note at the strangest times. I am happy about what we achieved already.

I will keep going. Whatever issues will pop up, I will tackle them best as I can and work on them as much as I can and it will be a little better afterwards.

4. Trans

It will take so fucking long but by the winds, I will get it done. A first appointment with an endocrinologist will be in August. My gynaecologist sees me in two weeks. I don't even know when to start scheduling consultations for the surgery in specialised hospitals.

This is dragging its feet and I hate it.

But at the end waits a body that matches my identity so I will plod on. At the moment, it is the issue that gives me the most breakdowns. I may or may have googled "boob guillotine". And it takes so much more effort to care for a body not yours. 😔

5. Writing

I shall finish the last BG3 fanfic. I fucking well will.

I will get the best and most out of my WriteHive mentorship.

If allowed with the above, I will self-pub my first novel. And novelette.

I will probably write another book. I tend to do that. I won't force it. Once the mentorship is over, I hope to et my hands on The Losing Game again. Need to dissect that bitch and put the pieces together correctly. Getting Shadows at Night or Sava II over the 1/3 and 2/3 marks would be good, too.

6. Gaming

I'll finish Veilguard and do some more romances. Lucanis is on the menu. As is Harding and maybe Emmrich. Taash keeps gutting me unexpectedly. I love that Qunari. Actually surprised I finally got a Qunari to romance I want to romance.

Get back to Baldur's Gate three and finish a Melta run with patch 7.

Melta runs in the other 3 Dragon age games. Finish the Melta run of Mass Effect.

7. Sewing

Sew some more trousers. And some more light summer trousers. The thin fabric wasn't made to last. 😔

Learn to let go. I have sewn many items I do not wear. I have to let them go somehow. (Not the shirts I just need – no boobs for. I will hang on to those until I have no boobs.)

Another cosplay. Maybe the paladin (oath of devotion) from Baldur's Gate pre patch 7. I can't believe they changed the colours: I do not like the new colours. Maybe the blue coat my Rook wears in Veilguard. Both would be very difficult. But I like a challenge in cosplay.

8. Joy

There are many good things coming for me. Holiday with my sister, meetings with friends, conventions. I will enjoy the fuck outta them. I will plan many more good things. This is my life and I will shape it into something I love doing. 😤

[sorensolsikke]

i am here with some emergency "tips" (much more like experience with my own mental illness) for teens with depression and ptsd, struggling with sh, suicidal thoughts and anxiety.

please only read further if you are sure you are stable enough rn for reading through advice. keep in mind that i am only just another survivor, my "tips" may not work for you at all (we are all different creatures), and following some advice could never replace several years long therapy. please understand that i do not want to change you, nor want to trivialize your suffering. i am just genuienly worried about your well-being, and want to pass over some knowledge i learnt the hard way, hoping it may reach some people who need to hear this.

[about me in brief/you don't need to read this, only if you are curious: hello, i am soren, 17, audhd, genderfluid pansexual. my parents are divorced, therefore i grew up in two seperate abusive households. i lived through physical and verbal abuse, sexual trauma at a young age, and was a puppet for my parents' arguments through all my life. i have four younger siblings. with mother, we lived on the streets for months when i was around 12, and just generally, we lived in poverty. her second husband was an alcoholic and beat my two smaller siblings while my mother had been working, therefore i wasn't really allowed to go out until i was 15 (when i got into a psychiatry for a few weeks.) i've been on therapy (and working hard for my mental health) for five years now, and i am more or less healed from depression and self harm, although i have had a couple of incompetent therapists too. feel free to tell me your own story: i will be here to listen. that's all about me; i told you all of this so you could make sure i am really only speaking from my own experience.]

firstly, i want to emphasize again that not all of my tips will work for you, and that's okay, we are just different. i am really proud that you are trying to find solutions: that must require so much energy of you. please don't be mad at yourself if something doesn't work out for the first time, i am sure you are doing your best at the moment, and that's more than enough.

one of my main points is that healing hurts more than staying in suffering. healing and trying to make things better is tiring, requires lots of courage and is sometimes demotivating. healing will make you ask: is it worth it? and your mind will tell you no, it never will, life is stupid. but in fact it IS worth it. it will worth it when you move out and create your own home, your own safe place with food and smells that you like. it will worth it when you leave school, and maybe start studying what you truly like, or get a job that makes you feel safe and you get your own money. it will worth it when you get your dream haircut. it will worth it when you will laugh with your friends over a campfire. it doesn't seem like all of this is possible rn, but you don't have to believe it yet, you are not a bad person because you are not believing. i just hope you will remember that some guy also thought it won't ever get better and suicide is the best solution, and this guy was incredibly shocked when it actually got better. choosing healing is an utterly hard step, especially when you are ready to throw away everything. "why would i keep trying then?" you could ask. and i would answer: out of spite. do it because those fuckers who made everything so unbearable for you have no fucking right to take your life away from you too.

accept that new (and often good) solutions will sometimes make you furious or irritated. your mind really just wants to get some fucking rest and try to survive; you won't really like the new mental tasks you may choose to perform, and that's okay. it's enough if you try.

when you feel suicidal or want to harm yourself, ask yourself "what am i really feeling now?" is it anger? guilt, shame, anxiety? emptiness? and when you got your answer, ask "what made me feel like this?"

watch your language. saying "i want to kill myself" about every minor inconvenience was very much of my usual, and it was awfully hard to get used to alternatives. but it was worth it, because saying this stuff reinforces the bad thoughts so much, and also, saying unhinged alternative crap made me a lot funnier (like "i want to fucking make this teacher dance to motherfucking macarena"). if you really really want to say it, because it helps you release frustration, try saying it like "i feel like i want to kill myself". it's basically the same, you just don't make the feeling equal to your core self.

about sh... you could say "it's my body, i do whatever i want to do with it" and you are very right. i only advise you against it because selfharm always makes you value yourself less and less, it reinforces the dark spiral of depression (i feel so bad and absolutely hopeless -> i hurt myself to get some relief and endorphines -> oh fuck, the relief is gone, i feel so bad and absolutely hopeless...), and also, why would you make yourself suffer more than once? (when i did sh, it was usually because someone hurt my feelings or i thought i needed punishment. i was wrong. the people around me would have needed punishment from me. i didn't deserve to be hurt by myself too.)

so well, only if you have energy and will to try, you can work out a plan BEFORE getting to sh itself. my Plan in order is: 1. workout (it helps me through anger a lot. i recommend considering it), 2. taking a shower with nice smelling shower gel, 3. putting on comfortable clothes, 4. eating comfort food and drinking water!! 5. (optional) sleeping. if i have gone through The Plan, and i still feel the inevitable need to harm myself, letsgo. nothing will stop me then.

if you want to stop sh, you have to accept you may relapse from time to time. that's okay, that happens, sh can be the same as drug addiction, and you can't always be in control. your only goal is to do it more and more rarely. that's all.

if you know you are going to have a hard day, try to prepare for it. put on comfortable underwear, bring your plushie with you, drink lots of water and have some breakfast. even very bad days end in a few hours.

just generally, when you are feeling shitty and completely out of energy, focus on practical things and bodily needs and healthy coping mechanisms. even mute social media completely for a few days when you feel overwhelmed by the world's problems.

friends who make you feel like they are more hurt from your mental illness than you are (absolute bullcrap) wouldn't deserve you to tell them how you are feeling. of course you might not have anyone else to share things with, and that is not your fault. just be reminded that if they accuse you for making them feel sad WHEN YOU LITERALLY WANTED TO DIE IN THAT VERY MINUTE, you are very rightfully mad at them.

through panic/anxiety attacks and meltdowns!!! they can be unimaginably scary, i know. it's hard to help yourself out of them alone. the thing you can do is 1. breathing (in in in in, hold hold hold hold, out, out out, out, out.) for at least ten times. 2. finding and naming(!!) in your environment four objects you can see, four colors you can see, four things you can feel with your skin, and four things you could smell. 3. drinking some water and give yourself as much time as possible.

general advice: go to nature regularly (if you are able to). it sounds stupid, but nature helped me through many many hard weeks. it's worth a try.

for sleeping problems, try melatonin.

learn some very basic yoga poses!! like, four of them. perform when feeling the need for it (when your back or hips or neck hurts.) will also help you sleep better.

let yourself just... do nothing sometimes. capitalism makes you feel bad for being unproductive, but that's a big word from a system that generally overworks its employees so much that their performance is at least only half as good as it could be in a better environment. you are allowed to rest when things are heavy. you will have time for everything later, when you are not struggling this much.

most of the people on the streets or in school don't care about how you look or what you are doing, if they don't explicitly mention it to you. i know social anxiety tells you otherwise, but keep in mind that nobody can read your thoughts. people can look at you and very rarely can think about what you are feeling at that moment, but they can only guess. you are safe. you can put on crazy maskara if you'd like to or dress like you feel. most people genuienly couldn't care less (just think about how much you care about other people's appearences, voices or stuffs.).

that's all for today i guess, these were the lifehacks i used for better (other than having a psychologist). if i was wrong with something, please correct me. i hope i could helped, or at least i didn't make things worse. i genuienly wish you happiness, and i hope you'll get to be safe. i am already proud of you for doing this shit for so long, no matter what you'll do in the future btw. i hope you'll have a nice day, and if i could, i would genuienly get you your favourite flowers tomorrow morning.

[alltoomanywords]

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: ALL THE ENERGY OF NOT TRYING TO BEAT THIS DEAD HORSE OF A RELATIONSHIP ANY MORE

STOP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE IN NEW AND EVER-MORE EXCRUCIATING WAYS

IF YOU WERE STILL COMPATIBLE, IT WOULDN’T BE THIS FUCKING HARD

ITS TOO LATE FOR THE BENEFITS OF HEALTHY CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SKILLS

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK HAS ALL THE PEACEFUL RESIGNATION OF NO LONGER BICKERING ABOUT DIRECTIONS AT THE CROSSROADS, AND SIMPLY TAKING DIFFERENT PATHS

MUCH LIKE THE MAJOR LESSON OF MANY COMING-OF-AGE MOVIES, IT IS POSSIBLE TO ADMIT YOU’VE OUTGROWN YOUR FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL WITHOUT DYING ON THE SPOT

TIRED OF TRYING TO DECIDE WHICH ONE OF YOU REMEMBERS YOUR LAST FIGHT MOST ACCURATELY? WITH “LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE” ENERGY DRINK, YOU DONT HAVE TO!

“LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK” IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY WITH DIFFICULT DECADES-LONG FRIENDSHIPS

SOME WORK OUT GREAT

(NOT YOURS)

(YOU KNOW IT WON’T)

(IT WILL CONTINUE TO BREAK YOUR HEART IN PROGRESSIVELY DULLER BUT MORE LASTING WAYS WITH EACH PASSING YEAR AS YOU GROW YET FURTHER APART AND STRAIN YET HARDER TO HANG ON TO THE GOOD OL’ DAYS WITH YOUR SLIPPING, ACHING FINGERTIPS)

OR MAYBE IT’LL BE FINE

MAYBE YOU WONT REGRET HAVING THEM IN YOUR WEDDING PHOTOS ACTUALLY

IT COULD HAPPEN

OR

WITH “LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE” ENERGY DRINK

YOU COULD STOP BEGGING YOUR FRIEND TO GO TO THERAPY

OR FORCING THEM TO MICRODOSE ON IT BY GIVING THEM ADVICE FROM YOUR OWN THERAPIST

LET THEM FIGURE THEIR OWN LIVES OUT

WOULD THEY LITERALLY DIE WITHOUT YOU? PROBABLY NOT

WITH “LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE” ENERGY DRINK YOU’LL FINALLY HAVE THE ENERGY TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHICH FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALSO NOT SERVING YOU

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK, AVAILABLE NOW!

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: STOP SCROLLING INSTAGRAM AT 3AM REALIZING THEY’VE NEVER POSTED A PHOTO OF YOU TOGETHER

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: WORK ON YOUR OWN ABANDONMENT ISSUES INSTEAD OF THEIRS FOR ONCE

STOP OVEREXPLAINING EVERY LITTLE COMMENT OUT OF THE DESPERATE FEAR OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD

YOUR FRIEND COULD GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT IF THEY WANTED TO

YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BEG FOR GRACE FROM SOMEONE WHO CALLS THEMSELVES YOUR FRIEND

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: BECAUSE YOUR FRIEND THINKS A HAPPY ENDING IS ONE WHERE YOU NEVER GROW OR CHANGE OR DEVELOP NEEDS THAT ARE DIFFERENT FROM THEIRS

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: LIFE’S TOO SHORT TO CARRY AROUND DEAD FLOWERS THAT USED TO BE BEAUTIFUL THAT CARRY ONLY THE REMINDER THAT SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IS GONE

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: DO NOT CONVINCE YOURSELF YOU LIKE THE SMELL OF ROT BECAUSE IT REMINDS YOU OF WHEN THERE WERE ROSES

THERE ARE MORE FLOWERS OUTSIDE

THEYRE EVERYWHERE, ACTUALLY

YOU NEED ONLY THE COURAGE TO APPROACH THEM

YOU MAY EVEN FIND VARIETIES THAT SMELL BETTER THAN THE ONES YOU REMEMBER FROM CHILDHOOD

(PROBABLY NOT)

(NOTHING SMELLS AS GOOD AS NOSTALGIA)

(YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME)

(YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME)

(YOU CAN NEVER GO HOME)

BUT LIFE GOES ON

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: HAVING A FEW GOOD CONVERSATIONS AFTER DARK

AROUND A CAMPFIRE

AT A PATIO TABLE

ON A DOCK

DOES NOT BIND YOU TO ANOTHER SOUL FOR ALL TIME

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK IS FULL OF NATURALLY RESTORATIVE INGREDIENTS, LIKE NOT HAVING TO PUT UP WITH THAT STUPID INSIDE JOKE THAT HURTS YOUR FEELINGS ANYMORE, AND GREEN TEA EXTRACT

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: ONE CAN IS THE EQUIVALENT OF 17 “LETTING A BALOON GO” CEREMONIES!

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: SCRUB THE GRADUATION SONG BY VITAMIN C FROM YOUR BRAIN FOREVER

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK HAS THE SAME EFFECTS ON COGNITIVE PERFORMANCE AS A CUP OF MEDIUM-ROAST LOW-ACID COFFEE OR NOT HAVING TO APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING THAT WASN’T ACTUALLY YOUR FAULT JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK HAS NOT BEEN TESTED ON OLD FRIENDS WHO NO LONGER FEEL WORTH THE EFFORT BECAUSE THEIR OPINIONS DON’T MATTER ANYMORE ANYWAY

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: NEVER AGAIN WONDER WHEN YOU STOPPED REALLY TRUSTING EACH OTHER

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: IF THEY’RE AS GOOD OF A PERSON AS THEY THINK THEY ARE, THEY HAVE NO TROUBLE MAKING NEW FRIENDS, RIGHT?

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: THERE ARE PLENTY OF PLATONIC FISH IN THE SEA

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: DONT THINK ABOUT THAT TIME YOU LAID ON THE FLOOR AND LISTENED TO ANTHEMS FOR A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRLS UNTIL YOUR BREATHING SYNCED UP AND TIME STOPPED AND YOU WISHED FOR LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: DONT DO IT

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: IT’LL BE LIKE THE SUMMER THEY CAME HOME FROM COLLEGE AND NEVER HAD A SINGLE FREE DAY TO HANG OUT WITH YOU FOR FOUR MONTHS NEVER HAPPENED!

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK IS APPROPRIATE FOR EVERY STAGE OF LIFE

GRADUATING MIDDLE SCHOOL

GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL

GRADUATING UNIVERSITY

MOVING TO A NEW FOR WORK

GETTING MARRIED AND REALIZING YOUR FRIENDS NEVER MATURED BEYOND LIKE 17

STARTING A FAMILY AND REALIZING YOU DONT WANT THESE PEOPLE AROUND YOUR KIDS

YOUR 50TH BIRTHDAY

MOVING TO A NICE RETIREMENT COMMUNITY WHERE YOU DONT WANT YOUR PEACE DISTURBED

AND MORE

TIRED OF BEING CALLED “OVER-SENSITIVE”? TRY LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK!

FEEL AS WELL-RESTED AS A CHILDLESS MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN WHO FOUND OUT WHO SHE WAS AND DID IT ON PURPOSE

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: NO YOU CANNOT STILL HANG OUT WITH THEIR PARTNER WHO YOU NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH AND ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS KIND OF COOL

THE DRINK ONLY GOES SO FAR

YOU HAVE TO ESTABLISH SOME BOUNDARIES SOMETIME

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: OUR ETHICALLY SOURCED PASSIONFRUIT FLAVOUR COMES INCLUDES GUARANINE, GINKGO, AND ZERO PERCENT CHANCE OF REALIZING NOW THAT YOU’RE ADULTS THAT YOUR FRIEND GREW UP WITH WAY MORE MONEY THAN YOU AND DOESN’T APRECIATE IT ENOUGH

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: NO CHAINS, NO CEMENT BLOCKS, NO BAGGAGE HANGING FROM YOUR WEARY NECK BECAUSE SOCIETY TOLD YOU LOYALTY WAS EVERYTHING

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: YOU FELT IT HAPPENING ANYWAY BUT NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO WONDER EACH YEAR ON THEIR BIRTHDAY IF YOU SHOULD TEXT THEM ONE LAST TIME

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: ITS OK

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: ITS GOING TO BE OK

LET YOUR FRIENDSHIP DIE ENERGY DRINK: YOU WILL FEEL OK AGAIN

*

*

*

Inspired by Daniel Lavery's LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK

[local-ragamuffin]

I’m in a weird spot right now.

Yesterday was my last day in a program that I’ve been in for four years. They taught me a lot about independent living, how to look for a job, and even gave me a chance to be a leader within the community during my last year. I’m sad that it’s over, but I recognize staying wouldn’t give me anything new. I have to look to what’s next.

But uh… what’s next? I’m still looking for work, and until I can land a job I don’t have any structure in my day anymore. This coming week, my therapist is out of town so I don’t get to talk about it in therapy, which I realized today might be a bad thing because this is affecting me a lot more than I thought it would. It’s on me to create my own structure in my daily life now.

I barely got any sleep last night and I think that’s because of the realization that I am more adult and still don’t have a job, still feel like I’m floating through existence. It doesn’t help that I had an existential crisis a couple weeks ago as a result of thinking a little too much about death after going to a tombstone unveiling.

I don’t… know what comes next. Or, I do, I just don’t know how much longer it’ll take to get there. I really want to get there as soon as possible because if I don’t, I know I’ll just keep feeling like I’m just floating through existence, trying my best at everything and never getting rewarded for my efforts.

I want to talk to my friends I know outside of the internet. I feel fucking horrible for not reaching out more (or like… at all) and that keeps driving me away from reaching out for some reason, but I think if I just… tried more, maybe I could get somewhere. I just need to find the energy and motivation to try, even when I don’t have it. Pushing myself to do things has always been difficult, but I need to push myself even more now that I’m out of the program that I’ve relied on for the past four years.

It feels weird posting on tumblr again. I don’t know why. I think tumblr gets overwhelming sometimes and I associate it with a lot of things now, and Discord is easier but also I still want to post on here? Everything is just… so fucking weird right now.

[vannahmontannah]

“How do I deal with rejection? I’m dealing with a lot of rejection right now,”

“Well, I mean if no one wants you, then you’re free, right?”

“That was such a fucking ignorant response. I don’t wanna be free. I wanna be loved and comforted,”

“You have your family for that,”

“Talking to you is like talking to a fucking wall. A brick cement one at that!” She rolled her eyes and walked off.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

“To find a fucking real ass therapist!”

“Wait, wait, wait! Come back!”

“What?”

“Look…I know what I’m saying is vague and blatantly ridiculous, but…dealing with rejection is hard. I know because I was right there in your shoes. Yes, I was young every girl I came across just wouldn’t give me the chance. No matter how much I’ve grown and matured, it continued. The only real way to deal with it, I’d suggest better your mind and mental energy for you. I put my mind on things I enjoyed to do and even went back to things I stopped doing. It never hurts to alter your appearance like wear something nice and look presentable. The number one rule is to always be yourself. I don’t care what the situation may be. Be yourself! If you don’t, you’re not authentic,”

“But they don’t care about that!” She sniffed.

“Someone will! Someone will! We have all the women in the world altering their bodies for a man who doesn’t give a rats ass about them not realizing the miles these women go! It’s not healthy. Sure, they get surgery for their insecurities, but it’s always for the male gaze. Taking rejection is one of the most humbling and horrible experiences ever. Just take that rejection, and come back a new person. Guaranteed they will come back,”

“How come it’s easy for a man to move on and not us?”

“Well…men just do what they wanna do. Sometimes, the person they were with…they weren’t happy with them to begin with. Some just move on quicker than others and take it differently. I know sometimes women may think they were the problem, but a lot of times ya aren’t,”

“I just feel like I’m only stuck with guys from the past who come back. And sure it’s fun and all but…we never go anywhere as far like dating. We talk like a couple but it doesn’t progress,”

“Well, you don’t have to allow it. It’s just lust at the end of the day. If they wanted too, they would. I’m sorry you feel unwanted. It can be depressing and hard to deal with. What is not for you will go away. You don’t have to feel stuck on the same people. You can do things to feel better about yourself fly like a butterfly. You’re not ugly. You’re not dumb. You are fun to hang out with and have a versatile personality. And sure, you can change your appearance, but it’s all about how you are in the inside,”

“When will they see it?”

“When they want too. Can’t force anyone to see how much of a wonderful person you are. It never works that way,”

“I just don’t wanna be alone, you know? I’m sick of people telling me that I don’t need a man and to focus on myself. And I know I don’t, but I want. Like I’m straight. I have my own everything and still working on some things. But, I want finally say I got what I wanted and not what I needed. I’ve had come across people I didn’t wanna let go, but they let me go. Watching someone you wanted to be with give someone else the world is devastating…”

“I know. I understand exactly what you’re saying. But you can’t look at that think that’s the end. It’s never the end. You have to go on and live for you look forward. Like I said before, it’s taking forever, I know…but they will come,”

“Just don’t wanna settle for someone I don’t like, you know,”

“And you don’t have too. They may seem to always come, but it’s up to you to give them a chance. Its going to come around,”

“I guess so. But the next time I get rejected, I’m fighting,”

“Let’s not do that,”

[phoenix-angel-suyari]

Y'all, I can't

I know we've all heard me say this before, but I literally cannot handle this anymore. My medical team have flat out told me I need to seriously destress. It's too much for my body.

I'm bleeding internally and have been for months now. They know this because my blood tests keep coming up more anemic than the last, my white blood cell levels are high, and other fluid checks keep turning up the presence of blood. I have had every fucking test over the last three months and they can't find the bleed. Waiting on camera results from like two weeks ago. Which is fun. I want them to find something to fix. I explained to my therapist and my psychiatrist that not having something to fight makes this whole process worse.

Not that I need something else to fight. But, it'd fucking help to know what's happening.

I've lost all interest in food. Literally, want nothing to do with it. I eat because I have to eat so I can maintain my blood sugar levels and for meds. But, even that takes so much energy. I just end up eating whatever feels less likely to make me sick just thinking about it, then adapt to account for what is and is not available in the house. Why has food become my enemy? Who the fuck knows. My medical team sure as hell doesn't.

I'm losing weight, but I have weight to spare, so that's not the worst. No, it's the fact that I've had DEPRESSION hair healthier than whatever the fuck's going on rn. I'm EXHAUSTED all the time. Literally every major organ is pulling some bullshit. I am on meds for all the things. But, meds alone can't fix what's going on. As every medical professional on my roster has gone on and on about. Repeatedly. Like I don't get it. Like I'm not trying. Like it's in any way achievable in the place I'm currently mired in.

My family, of course, remains stubbornly, willfully, intractably ignorant of my situation and my pleas despite me literally, explicitly stating that I cannot keep on like this.

I can't work because of organ complications. No work means no money. No money means having to negotiate and sacrifice and just go without for stretches sometimes. I have exactly .5 in my bank account and that's going to end up negative sometime this week. Yet, I'm still expected to care for young children, attend to older children, clean a house that is not mine and care for an ailing aunt with rapid onset aggressive alzheimer's/dementia. All for no pay, no compensation, no thanks and nothing but grief and harassment when I literally cannot scrape enough energy together to completely push through all my own shit and attend to everyone else and their needs/wants/desires. Everything I do is not the right thing, naturally. And everyone has SOMETHING to say about the state of my health and/or life (especially the lack thereof) while offering zero actual assistance or support - even emotionally, even just by being available. I keep getting bullshit like, "Well, what're you gonna do?" And, "What do you want me to tell you?" And, "You just have to take it and move on."

Three years of straight therapy working to not do that. Three years of therapy growing strong enough to not just give in and to tell people no and a whole host of other things, and now more of this shit. My new therapist is worthless for this kind of stuff. Have a new psychiatrist because my last one left. I am so fucking touch starved I feel sick over any physical contact that isn't with someone too young to care for themselves or an animal. And despite me constantly asking for something, anything all I get is ignored or gaslit or attacked.

There's nothing left for me to attempt for stress relief. I spend most of my time doom scrolling on tik tok because it's the only space that feels in any way engaging or relaxing any more. And I have all this drive to change things, but no way to actually see any, let alone all of it to fruition.

All this to say, my stress levels are incredibly high. I am not okay by any stretch of imagination or definition of the word. And at the rate I'm going, I will probably die from it before anything else happens. Which, btw, is not me being dramatic. That's straight out of several medical professionals mouths. Provided, of course, I do not do a hard reset, which, yeah.

Anyway. Just needed to rant for a bit. Thanks anyone who made it this far. I appreciate you.

[stellerssong]

what monster would you turn kiran estavez into, given the chance?

GREAT QUESTION. SEXY QUESTION. QUESTION THAT i have to think about in more depth honestly because i am still finding my way into Kiran Estevez's character. she has a grounded enough energy that she might be the Token Human tbh, especially if i were to hypothetically take the route of creechuring Saga. and i think Saga creechurs a little more intuitively. she could be a great half-whatever-the-fuck-Jesse-and-Dylan-were-in-that-one-control-creechurfic-i-did-way-back-when. i think she would look very beautiful with a variable number of eyes and also a tail.

well that was a terrible answer to that question. as a forfeit please enjoy my attempts to find my way into Kiran Estevez's character:

She dreamed about Maya last night. Kiran groans, hitches up the scratchy motel sheet, spits out a stray hank of hair. Sticky-foul taste of one too many beers on the back of her tongue. That’s what she gets for letting the old crew from Investigations take her out for drinks on what’s technically a work night. Her tolerance has gone to shit. She doesn’t go out drinking around Bright Falls much; something about a small-town bar full of good ol’ local boys rubs her the wrong way, for obvious reasons, and she’s not so textbook that she’s going to spend her evenings sitting around alone in the thin-walled apartment that still doesn’t feel like hers after seven years, a bottle of Jack in her hand and some skin flick playing in grainy Technicolor on pay-per-view. She can almost hear Maya laughing at that. How well-adjusted of you, baby. Tell your therapist about it next week. Maybe she’ll give you a good grade. Funny joke. As if the Bureau retained staff therapists for its agents. Just thinking about the potential confidentiality breaches gives Kiran a headache. Though, to be fair, that might be the mild hangover. And she dreamed about Maya last night. Right. She’d almost forgotten. Or maybe she wanted to forget. She rolls over on the lumpy mattress with a sigh, blinks at the battered desk and threadbare chair in the corner. (Doesn’t let her hand drift over to the empty spot in the bed, to the other pillow unmarked by the indent of a sleeper’s head.) It hadn’t been a bad dream. They’d been shopping together, or something. Maya couldn’t find her list and had wanted to go home to get it, even though Kiran had insisted she knew what they needed. She’d driven off and left Kiran standing in the parking lot with the shopping cart. And then it had started to rain. Phantom sensation of cold water soaking into her socks, squish-squashing in her sodden boots. They’d probably make something of that down in Parapsychology, but, like—fuck Parapsychology. Sometimes a dream’s not a message from the Astral Plane or extradimensional intelligences or what the fuck ever. Sometimes a dream’s just a sign that you’ve got to get the fuck out of New York. God, she hates that she’s even thinking this, but she’s got to get the fuck out of New York. At a certain point you can’t keep blaming the cheap beer for your maudlin turn.

[lowkeyclueless5137]

Actually, can I ask how exactly what it was like for the omnitrix users as kids to first discover the Omnitrix and uses its to actually do something with it? This applies for all routes

I have 2 asks with this here and here

For Kalim and Epel, Yuu comes in later as more of a tuturor. Same outlandish backgrounds and same wine aunt energy. :3

Now for the particulars:

Riddle absolutely didn't know what his mom signed him up for. Yuu was teaching him all kinds of martial arts, how to fight aliens, operating futuristic tech and weapon handling. There was a lot to learn, but Yuu had a reasonable schedule, nice food and actually Riddle was allowed to go outside and play with other kids in the city neighborhood (they were in another city so yep)

At one point, Yuu decides that it's time to move out of the country. Of course, Mrs Rosehearts showed no problem in taking Riddle too since it was 'for learning' and Yada Yada. The 2 end up in the city of flowers suburbs, a much less crowded city, where it's quiet enough so Yuu can properly train Riddle, now with the omnitrix to boot.

At first, the redhead was scared, but Yuu was trustable and didn't do anything to harm him up until now, so there more calmness in the situation. Everything is more controlled and overall Riddle ends up enjoying his new ability and for granted wants to use it to do a lot of good with it.

We befriend Rollo in here too! :D

Now for Kalim. At first, he and Jamil were curious lil kiddos who wanted to absolutely poke and play around with the device. Even if it was latched to Kalim's wrist.

Cue new tutor Yuu coming through. Tutoring both of them all kinds of stuff. Later on Yuu reveals that they actually trained Kalim how to use the omnitrix and fight, while Jamil on how to handle Kalim and other various aliens.

Epel has a more direct approach with Yuu. Yuu tells him point blank because how else are they gonna make this lil mf to listen to them??? The training is Epel's favourite activity since he hopes it could help him become buff in his normal form.

In here, the reason Yuu came in a bit later is because this was a small village and Yuu needed to get some land, build a nice house, establish a farm hustle and put up good with the villagers before they could take in Epel for tutoring. During that, Epel makes it his personal mission to fuck around in the woods as different aliens. Oh he's having the time of his life. :'3

And last, but not least, Idia. Yuu coming out clean and everything made things so much easier. STIX would keep the omnitrix hidden and secure and Yuu could worry less about finding a suitable wearer.

But even so, the Shroud brothers are catching Yuu's attention, especially Idia. At first Idia was the wary one, always trying to pose as a wall in between Yuu and the very excited Ortho. Idia did warm up a bit later after a lot of hanging out and wild stories, but Yuu saw that potential and deemed the kid as suitable.

Cue the incident. With Idia immediately down and ready to protect his lil bro from either Phanthoms or the aliens, Yuu decides to have a more 'spontaneous' class. Idia was already familiar with the concept of the omnitrix and how it worked in theory, yet still he wasn't that prepared in the art of fighting nor was he used to having any significant and sudden body change. Yuu thankfully was there to aid him through it.

Idia still feels guilty about Ortho losing his arm, but at least his brother was alive and mostly flesh and blood. So his grief is mostly short-lived, also bc of Yuu playing the therapist role.

After that, Idia has to go through a lot of training. And overall he gets pretty good at it, but still keeps his PE scores as bearly passing at school so that no one would question him.

[sonyadance]

Travels and Dancing 21

To start the New Year, I had the chance to spend a weekend with a group of beautiful women doing energy work in a chalet in the Laurentians.   I needed that reset and what a reset!  Wow!  I am forever grateful to everybody I’ve met on my energy work journey in the last 12 years, for all the help, the community, and the work towards an upward spiral, fighting entropy and darkness.  Then I had the honor of going to teach in a beautiful small community not too far from Montreal called Sherbrooke.  I love weekend workshops.  The fact that it is one straight line, no running around between judging, workshops, privates, shows, is one of the advantages; but what I really like is that you follow one or two group for an entire weekend.  You can see them develop together, there are generally more questions being asked because people get to connect and feel safer, there is a theme for the weekend that is always fun for me to create.  I had a beautiful welcome, great workshops and an amazing teacher’s training (which I also loooove to teach) with great teacher’s brains: everybody was asking the right questions, working hard on the art of diagnosing and enjoying themselves.  Future Westies of Sherbrooke, you are in good hands!

I was then invited to come teach for the first time in the community of Waterloo, Ontario.  A baby community of only 2 years old, which the leader, Mikaela Lewis, managed to grow in a way I haven’t seen before.  I have traveled around the world witnessing how wcs develops and, yes, there might be a part we can attribute to timing (wcs being really popular right now, thanks to all our colleagues that are pushing the social media market with IG and TT), but there is just an approach that she has to building that I think she could sell for a lot of money!  It was a beautiful weekend, filled with workshops of various levels, privates and dancing… I think 160 people showed up at the Saturday night dance.  Have you ever seen that after only two years of wcs existing in a town?

It is now the beginning of February of a really mild winter (secret and guilty thank you to global warming) and I am heading towards Philadelphia to practice with one of my partner.  I get there a bit late on Friday, plane delays as usual, and we have a great practice into the night.  The next morning, we wake, head towards the studio, start practicing, and… I mess up my neck.  Fuck.  Let’s say that I haven’t had the best run with health in the last year.  Is it the trauma of what happened last March?  An addition of all the health things I didn’t take care of until now because I felt young and invincible?  Yeah, that sounds about right.  We try to find someone to see me asap so my neck doesn’t freeze for longer than it needs to, I end up going to the massage therapist and babying it all weekend, but we couldn’t get much done.  I am not really good at dealing with health stuff that doesn’t go my way.  It makes me feel powerless and everything I do relies on my body… so I was really disappointed about investing in a plane ticket, time and energy in going to Philadelphia to get as much rehearsal as possible, for my body to say: No.  Thank god my partner is one of the chillest person I know, it helps calm me down and not add catastrophizing thoughts on top of the reality and be able to observe the facts a bit clearly.  Still shitty.

I got some osteopathic treatment when I got home so I’d be able to teach the next weekend.  Québec city it is with the amazing Nelson!  I have mentioned it before in one of the Travels and Dancing, but I love Nelson so much.  There is just an underlying level of trust that I’ve never had with anybody in dancing before (except Stephen for routines, I would have trusted him with my life), that helps us create... anything and everything!  Every time we finish dancing we are like:

- Oh my god!  That was so nice what you did! 

- I didn’t do anything.  What you did was amazing!

- I didn’t do anything either!

Lolll.  We know it now and we understand it is thanks to the immense trust we have between us as human beings first and then as dancers.  So when people ask me, I always try to have Nelson hired along side me.  We taught some workshops together, some individually, did a demo and danced with the beautiful westies there.  Thank you Québec for the amazing weekend!

Next weekend was Sacramento for Capitol Swing.  My first time at this event.  I have heard about the NorCal vs SoCal friendly feud before and I must say, I am definitely NorCal!  I found the people to be so nice and welcoming, just a bit more of a relaxed and true atmosphere than events I’ve been at in SoCal.  Nothing bad, just a difference in vibes.  It’s like if you ask: is Madjam or a chalet type of event better?  Neither.  What do you like?  Do you like big lights, want to be inspired by the best shows in the world and de surrounded by hundreds of people during the social dance or does this overwhelms you and you prefer to have an intimate atmosphere where you can create connections, have the time to dance with most of the attendees and have smaller group workshops?  I don’t think there is a better one, just what you prefer, want and need at this moment in time.  So I would suggest, before booking an event, you inquire about the general vibes and set up of it, and you take a minute to look inside of yourself and check what is best going to suit your path right now.  So Capitol was one of the best ran event I’ve attended, beautiful attention to detail.  I really like Ben and Cameo McHenry’s minds, they are always trying to push the envelop with ideas that follows what they value in dance.  I particularly liked the Champion’s choice Strictly.  The idea was that a Champion asks an All-Star of their choice whom they’d like to dance with, to do Strictly with them.  It was fun to see different pairings than the usual Champions Strictly.  I had a blast dancing with Keerigan. 

Stephen and I did our routine again for the first time since the Open.  We trained, social danced, met new people, it was awesome… until my flight back.  Worse epic I’ve been on. Loll  It started with an 11pm overnight flight and it ended up with, delay, sitting on the tarmac until 3am, returning to the hotel, sleeping for 3 hours, going back to the airport for a pushed back 2pm flight on which they couldn’t find my seat, trying to fix that at check-in for an hour, getting on the plane, getting deplaned again for a 4p, departure, getting so late at my layover that there was no other flight to Montreal for that day, sleeping at the hotel, a total of 48 hours in airport with a 45$ voucher for food (imagine the feast you get for 6 meals at an airport with ALL of that money), missing a day of work, loosing a bunch of money, getting home to sleep a bit and start working the next day.  Loll  Not my best run.  I am still waiting for compensation for that flight, my case number is currently 64 308 in line.

I was finally home for a weekend, which was my birthday weekend!  First birthday in Montreal in 13 years.  Yes!!!!  I was so happy to be able to spend that time with my friends and family.  One of my best friend lend me his apartment so I could invite my friends from school, dance, family members and have a joyous melting pot.  I also had my handsome boyfriend with me all weekend and everything felt perfect!  Thank you so much again to everybody that took the time to come and spend time with me: it means a lot.

Can you believe I had two weekends at home without working (well, still taught some privates and did online work, cause work never ends…) in March?  It felt really good to rest, see my people and finally spend time with my partner.  Time is a bit restricted when one of you works a 9 to 5 and the other one, 4 to 10 and is gone on weekends.  One of the reason I came back to Montreal is also because it is where there is the highest concentration of people I love, but I am never available at the same time as everybody to hang out, so this is something I am trying to change and establish: make enough money at home that I don’t have to go away 4 weekends a month to eat, 2 would be perfect cause I still love and want to do it!!!

I taught an intermediate competition intensive in Montreal and it went amazingly well!  Better than what I could have envisioned.  The concept is to have one for each level of WSDC competition, four hours with a really small group of people (maximum 6 leads and 6 follows) who are currently competing at that level and want a better understanding of what the judges are looking at at that level, the difference between a prelim and a final (until now pretty standard), but then receive individual attention to understand what they need to work on in order to get yeses or place.  I put my judges hat on to help them see what pieces are missing that could give a judge a reason to give them a no, then I give them drills to practice so when they get to their next competition the judges don’t have a quick justification for a no.  Again, it always depends on who’s competing around you, but your job is to make me work so I have trouble leaving you out of the finals.  The students were happy, the teacher was happy, it was a great weekend!

Then I was waiting for Aaron to get to Montreal to practice, but… he wrote me to say that they got delayed.  My first reaction after the Sacramento debacle was: oh no… hopefully it’s not as bad.  It wasn’t.  For the traveler, but they got delayed so bad and had to get rebooked.  The soonest flight he could get rebooked on was for the Sunday night and he had to leave Monday morning.  So that fell through, but!  He managed to rebook for the following week so we had a day to practice before heading to BTO Open!  It was Aaron’s first Canadian event.  I think he enjoyed it. ;-)

BTO was really great this year.  A bit smaller than the previous year if I’m not mistaking, maybe due to the fact that Boston Tea Party resuscitated!  Ayo!  So between Madjam, BTP and BTO, it was a lot in a month for the eastern Canadian westie community.  We did have a crew from Calgary come over, cheer and be absolutely awesome for the weekend, alongside the Toronto, Québec, Ottawa, Montréal, London, Waterloo westies, and more!  My boyfriend came Friday night and saw me dance live for the first time in the Invitational.  I was so excited, but then I couldn’t see him in the crowd when we got on the dancefloor and I thought for some reason he had left!  I looked like a kid looking for their parents in the crowd. Loll  I did put on a show, and obviously, he was still in the room and loved it!  Hihi!!  The Inivational with Philippe Berne was fun, the strictly with Nelson was smooth, and the Pro Show with Nelson was probably my favorite performance of my lifetime.  I taught an advanced workshop with a new concept about shaping and shifting that was really well received, a novice workshop that had a big impact on their dancing, and a strictly tune-up that was really fun.  It was a really filled and fulfilling weekend!

My family was kind enough to postpone Easter dinner for a week so I could join in my “weekend in town” of the month.  It felt so good to see everybody and way too short.  I also had the chance to meet a side of my boyfriend’s family I hadn’t met before and enjoy a long and delicious day/meal.

Then came the Calgary Dance Stampede.  I was supposed to compete in my first country ProPro division, but… life had other plans.  In my entire adult life, of teaching and performing dance, I had never cancelled anything related to work.  Well, one time in Germany, I was in pain for what I didn’t know is what I am awaiting surgery for, and I had to forgo the social dance.  I need gallbladder removal surgery, I am on the wait list, but that can be a really long wait in the Quebec health system, I have been mostly doing fine with just a few crisis here and there.  Until the end of March, I started being in pain 100% of the time.  Not the worse, but about a 5/10, just enough to slowly sap away your energy.  But when I was on the plane to Calgary, I had a horrendous crisis (I was wondering if I should ask them to land the plane) and by the time I landed, I was livid.  I had to find a doctor, get pain medication and managed to teach and judge, but I didn’t have the energy to compete or perform.  I really hope this can get resolved quickly.  Actually, as I am writing this, I have had my first day without pain for a month and I just now realize how much of a difference it makes on my life force.  Besides that, the event was purely magical.  There is something about the country side that is so relax, just a culture I love, that, mixed with wcs, creates a delicious cocktail.  So I had a great time even through all that.

Coming back to Montreal, I cancelled everything non work related so I could conserve energy for that: I can’t stop working now, cause I’ll have to stop working for a month after surgery, so as a self-employed worker, you have to come up with a way to make up for that loss.  So I’m working pain or no pain (mostly pain).  In 2020, I had booked a holotropic breath work retreat with an ex.  As you can imagine, it got cancelled, and I got credited for it.  Years went by and I couldn’t find a retreat on a weekend I wasn’t working and that was close enough for me to drive to… until!  I saw this Chester, Connecticut retreat.  So I booked it.  Four years in the making et voilà!  One of the agreement of the retreat is one of confidentiality about what happens during the weekend, because it is really intimate and vulnerable for most attendees, so I will keep it brief.  It was intense.  I don’t think someone could understand it by just having it described to them: you really have to live it to know it.  And even then, I feel like I don’t know anything about it, that I just dipped my toe in the world of holotropic breath work.  I drove six hours on Thursday to get there in time to check-in and register, we then had an opening circle which was really beautiful and set the tone for a safe, open and vulnerable weekend.  A delicious dinner was served, followed by a preparation workshop so we could be ready for what was going to happen during the weekend (we weren’t… or at least, I wasn’t even with all the talk), and we went to bed early.  My roommate was a blast, we talked and giggled every night before bed.  Friday came with the first three hour session where I was one of the breathers.  My god.  Yep.  That’s it.  30m integration, 1h lunch break, and we were at it again interchanging roles; I was then a sitter for one of the breathers.  My god.  Yep.  1h integration, 1h dinner, and sharing circle.  Everybody went to bed early because we were all absolutely trashed.  Saturday came with the same schedule, except that my partner and I exchanged breathing times.  The guesthouse lit up a ceremonial fire for earth day and some of us went out with a guitar, a harmonica, our voices and a lot of enthusiasm.  It was a great night.  We had a closing circle Sunday and a talk about integration.  I hugged everybody before hitting the road for an exquisite 6h of silence and personal debriefing.  I will have to make another article about this weekend at some point so the readers can understand something of it, but I need more time to integrate and make sure I express things in a way that is respectful to everybody and doesn’t disclose anything that shouldn’t be.

Anyways, thank you for reading until here if you did.  I don’t know who you are, but I’m sending you little particles of love and patience towards yourself.  See you next time!

[gentletomatoe]

Birthday: 6/19/2002

Horoscope: gemini

Fav colors: pink, black , sage green

Hobbies: reading, journaling, volunteering, listening to podcasts, occasional poetry writing, listening to music, thrifting , crocheting , & occasionally hate watching bad lifetime movies

Music genres: R&B, alternative , rap, pop, I like punk rock too

Fav artists: Tyler the creator, Mac miller , kali uchis , jcole , chief keef , gorillaz, summer walker, frank ocean , SZA , MJ, the smiths , young nudy , erykah badu

Fav movies : 10 things I hate about you , 13 going on 30 , legally blonde , kill bill , almost any Robert deniro or Quentin Tarantino film, cute Pixar movies , also A24 movies ( p.s I’m a horror movie fanatic)

Video games : harvest moon, Mario kart, tekken, final fantasy , street fighter , marvel vs capcom , fashion games , dbz

Tv shows : breaking bad , shameless , new girl , bojack horseman, probably any cartoon , SpongeBob fs , gossip girl , the sopranos , sex & the city

Fashion : simple , hyper feminine , skater culture , some punk/Y2K influence , 1990’s sears catalogs , minimalism , a touch of masculine pieces & some cottagecore lol

Dream cars : Porsche or g wagon or a vintage corvette ( in reality I want to have a black jeep ) lowkey I want a Volkswagen tho

Dream job: entrepreneur , pediatric nurse , BCBA, licensed therapist

Interests : makeup , stocks , books , animals , music , fashion , nature , YouTube videos about interesting stuff

Fav physical activity : hiking or yoga , I occasionally run

Comfort drinks : iced cold brew w vanilla sweet cream , iced matcha latte w boba or taro boba , raspberry arizona teas , lemon ginger tea , champagne or sweet wine , coconut redbull

Comfort foods : sushi , poke bowls , chicken wings , pizza , Mac & cheese , salads , cheese fries , crab legs , curry , butter chicken , Greek food, I could actually go on but also grilled cheese w tomato soup

Fav desserts: cheesecake , brownies , pecan pie , soft serve ice cream or sundaes , sour straws , gelato , icees

Personality traits : observant , goofy , joyful , humble , sweet , bold , smart , sarcastic , reserved

Character flaws: broken humor , I lose interest in others fast , I deem myself as “too much” , also “too nice” but I’m working on it , laughs In serious moments , can he either too withdrawn or too childish no in between

Description: hourglass figure , 5’6, fair-olive skin , button nose , big eyes , arched brows , dimples , soft features, thicc , I have a pretty cute smile >:)

Ethnicity : I’m pretty much white but moms side is Puerto Rican with a little bit of Filipino & Spaniard & dads side is completely white , French & English maybe Irish too ? Idrk I think I have an identity crisis on whether I’m Hispanic or not every other day so we’ll just go with white lol

Places you might find me : the thrift store , the book store , ulta , a park , the nearest boba shop , nature trails , the beach , animal shelter or my job

Likes : sanrio , makeup , memes , good music , $, podcasts , squishmallows , my cats , nature like a beach or river , pink , sweets , genuine people , honesty/unfiltered energy , spirituality & philosophy , the color green

Dislikes : rats both types , capitalism, bugs , dishonesty , tension , envious energy, the patriarchy lol , being lied or deceived , false media , clout chasers

I’m most likely to .. be extremely loyal to loved ones , take on care giving roles , take initiative and make decisions on my own , perform kind acts , show transparency, put a disrespectful person in their mf place , celebrate other’s accomplishments.

I’m least likely to .. break promises , talk down on others , be envious , engage in negative conversations, give into shallow mindsets , snitch bc fuck snitches lol.

Wants : commercial property, a pair of manolos , more tattoos , and a good sandwich ( maybe a loving partner & family in the future)

Needs: a long hug, a good education, a good career , a vacation out the country

Dream house : a ranch style house or villa styled house , if it’s out the country I’d love some type of cottage

Dream life : I always wanted to make passive income & work a job where I help others , I hope one day I get to experience motherhood with a loving husband by my side , the funds to support a soft life , to travel every once & a while

Relationship status : in love with myself / a cat lady

[polyamorousduckie]

A Lot Has Changed

It's been 2 years since my last post, and I've been doing a lot of things to try and take care of myself.

B and I moved in with her partner and we all bought a house together. And made our living wills together. And our power of attorney together. And started a business together.

I got to do a play that was a bucket list item. It was... tumultuous, but we all made it through. So much went wrong with that show. Not the way I wanted to end my acting career (as far as I know it).

I ended up dating someone for a little while. It was... meh. She was someone who wanted to be chased, but didn't really want to do anything apart from go out to eat and come home and get laid. Granted, the sex was fun, but I started feeling uncomfortable when she told me she had a breeding kink. Children are for NO with me. And she wasn't willing to put in the same effort I was in the relationship, because she was more interested in vibes and smoking. The last time we spoke, she was complaining to me that she had to get on Tinder. You know, instead of talking to me. Whatever.

After that, I got really dark. The spiraling thoughts were taking me to bad places. I couldn't do right at work, I couldn't do right at home. I eventually got in to see a good therapist. She's been working with me through CBT and just recently EMDR therapy. I've been making really good strides.

I'm also in a cantata for Christmas. It feels good to sing again.

But I'm lonely. What else is new, right? This is different, though.

At this point, I'm not feeling a longing for anyone. I miss being around my friends, but there's no one I want to have as more than that. It hasn't been for a lack of trying. I've been trying to get together with some people to see if I have some kind of feeling for them, and there's just... nothing. I think it's because between work and our business, I don't feel like I have time for anything else. I have to do my part to keep the business going.

But something in me has just... turned off. It's different than before, where whenever I started having feelings for someone, I'd be self-destructive and come up with reasons why they wouldn't be interested in me. Now... I take a look at others and just have no interest, or no interest in trying to have an interest. Whenever I've tried, I come up with reasons why I SHOULDN'T even try. "This one has kids and needs to find themself again" or "this one needs to grow the fuck up and learn how to support themselves" or "I am NOT about to be someone's first/rebound/savior".

Maybe it's because I'm trying to take care of myself. Maybe it's a form of hypervigilance. Maybe because of where I live, I'm tired of saying I'm polyamorous and people being immediately afraid that I'm hitting on them. Maybe I'm just getting older and I'm tired of the chase.

But on the flip side, I've lost touch with so many people. I don't get to talk to that many people these days. My days are in the office where it's too quiet and hardly anyone talks to me unless they want me to do something, or I come home and spend a couple of hours with the family before everyone goes to their separate rooms and I'm all alone again. I don't go out much. I don't drink much anymore, so bars are more or less out now. When I do go see a show or go to the symphony, I either take B or I take my best friend. And sometimes, if they're not available, I end up going by myself. And hardly anyone watches my streams anymore, so it's hard to get the energy to be just another fat white bearded guy on the internet playing video games.

It is what it is, I guess.

[outhereinnevada]

howdy!

do you think you could do some headcanons of the main 3 + 2BDamned and Tricky with a reader who seems sweet and wholesome but when the opportunity arises, will absolutely go mental and kill

-🦷

Oh ye, nothing like an s/o that'll fuck shit up when they desire it. Enjoy anon!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Killersweet

Hank

Hank found you in the bakery not too far from the base, you had cheerfully greeted him at the front counter. The place was surprisingly clean and operational the last time he saw it.

"Hello! How can I help you?"

Since then, Hank had been coming back to the bakery almost everyday to see what new sweets you had whipped up and to see your wholesome self

Everything was pleasant between you two, hell, you started to get some customers into the bakery because of him (people liked to steal the goods he got from you)

He had confessed to you via a cake with the words 'I don't think anything is as sweet as you'

His love for you grew even more when some AAHW agents had tracked him to the bakery. You didn't appreciate the rude intrusion, so you went full-on attack mode, pulled out your deadly butcher's knife and went to town on them

You and Hank enjoyed a proper baking session afterwards, in which you and Hank baked the remains of the agents into sweets for the zombies in the chasm outside

Sanford

Sanford loved your demeanour, the way you'd talk, the way you'd skip around the base, he loved every bit about you

Most days you would be seen sewing various things; clothes, plushies, etc. He found it adorable

Since you were good at sewing, you'd also stitch up his wounds when needed

On a stroll through the abandoned streets, you and Sanford got ambushed by a bunch of bandits

Oh hell nah, no-one was gonna ruin your midday stroll

Did I mention you have a custom parasol that turns into a goddamn sword? Well you do

Snapping, you quickly massacred all of those cowardly bandits turning them into fleshy ribbons

After cleaning off your parasol, you went back to your bubbly mood again like nothing had happened

Sanford was bewildered at first, but came to love this bait and switch personality of yours

Deimos

You two pretty much hit it off real well when you first met

Two goofballs looking to have fun, and you really brought the whole fun aspect into it

You were just a ball of sunshine to Deimos, always knowing how to make his day better

You were a musician, you played a variety of instruments.

You'd play the happiest, bubbliest songs you could think of, Deimos was really into it

What didn't slide with you was people hurting your friends

AAHW agents managed to find the base and shot Deimos in the shoulder. Last straw gone.

You let loose, grabbing the nearest gun you let out a vicious yell and shot wildly at the agents turning them into swiss cheese

Deimos peaked up from his position on the floor, to see your crazed expression and agents bodies on the floor

You turned towards him, a sudden soft smile gracing your face while giving a cheery wave to him

'Major chaotic energy vibes' is what Deimos liked to think of you from that day forward, you accepted it

2BDamned

2B wasn't too keen on getting into a relationship, but he had taken a liking to your endearing personality

You were always there for 2B whenever he was stressed or overworked

You were essentially a therapist for him

You like to give him physical affection to calm him down and get him to rest

Being the doc of the group, his job was stressful especially considering how many injuries the other 3 keep getting

You like to help him out when possible

2B tried some experiments with some bodies he had retrieved from a recent raid

One of them turned into a zombie and started to attack the doc

Seeing this, your cheerful nature was replaced with a bloodthirsty one

Gripping a nearby surgical saw, you stabbed it into the zombie's head sawing down to it's torso, it dropped dead on the floor

2B looked up to see your darkened expression, noticing him staring you quickly smiled at him to reassure him

Tricky

Naturally, being the insane, killer clown that he was, he enjoyed your playful, adorable manner

You reminded him of his old self, before he became zombified

Absolute. Cuddlebug. He enjoys any kind of affection you give him

You take regular trips to the hotdog stand with him, so much so that the hotdog vendor has given a regular's discount to the both of you

You'd partake in Tricky's pastimes which include; juggling, dj mixing, and anything circus related

On one of your trips to the hotdog stand, Tricky was ambushed by none other than Hank J. Wimbleton

Numerous bullets shot through Tricky's body, he laid limp on the ground

That's it, no more miss nice s/o

Hank couldn't react to the sudden form that was scratching and slashing at him

With a violent, blood-curdling screech, you ripped his entire head off

Tricky revived to see you covered in blood with Hank's corpse laying in front of you

He placed a shaky hand on your shoulder, you turned with a soft smile on your face, back to your usual self

He adored that you can be the most soft, gentle carer but also be a violent, ruthless killer at the drop of a pin

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHOOOO! Soft beans that are secretly maniacal killers! Hope you enjoyed anon!