polyamorousduckie

[polyamorousduckie]

A Lot Has Changed

It's been 2 years since my last post, and I've been doing a lot of things to try and take care of myself.

B and I moved in with her partner and we all bought a house together. And made our living wills together. And our power of attorney together. And started a business together.

I got to do a play that was a bucket list item. It was... tumultuous, but we all made it through. So much went wrong with that show. Not the way I wanted to end my acting career (as far as I know it).

I ended up dating someone for a little while. It was... meh. She was someone who wanted to be chased, but didn't really want to do anything apart from go out to eat and come home and get laid. Granted, the sex was fun, but I started feeling uncomfortable when she told me she had a breeding kink. Children are for NO with me. And she wasn't willing to put in the same effort I was in the relationship, because she was more interested in vibes and smoking. The last time we spoke, she was complaining to me that she had to get on Tinder. You know, instead of talking to me. Whatever.

After that, I got really dark. The spiraling thoughts were taking me to bad places. I couldn't do right at work, I couldn't do right at home. I eventually got in to see a good therapist. She's been working with me through CBT and just recently EMDR therapy. I've been making really good strides.

I'm also in a cantata for Christmas. It feels good to sing again.

But I'm lonely. What else is new, right? This is different, though.

At this point, I'm not feeling a longing for anyone. I miss being around my friends, but there's no one I want to have as more than that. It hasn't been for a lack of trying. I've been trying to get together with some people to see if I have some kind of feeling for them, and there's just... nothing. I think it's because between work and our business, I don't feel like I have time for anything else. I have to do my part to keep the business going.

But something in me has just... turned off. It's different than before, where whenever I started having feelings for someone, I'd be self-destructive and come up with reasons why they wouldn't be interested in me. Now... I take a look at others and just have no interest, or no interest in trying to have an interest. Whenever I've tried, I come up with reasons why I SHOULDN'T even try. "This one has kids and needs to find themself again" or "this one needs to grow the fuck up and learn how to support themselves" or "I am NOT about to be someone's first/rebound/savior".

Maybe it's because I'm trying to take care of myself. Maybe it's a form of hypervigilance. Maybe because of where I live, I'm tired of saying I'm polyamorous and people being immediately afraid that I'm hitting on them. Maybe I'm just getting older and I'm tired of the chase.

But on the flip side, I've lost touch with so many people. I don't get to talk to that many people these days. My days are in the office where it's too quiet and hardly anyone talks to me unless they want me to do something, or I come home and spend a couple of hours with the family before everyone goes to their separate rooms and I'm all alone again. I don't go out much. I don't drink much anymore, so bars are more or less out now. When I do go see a show or go to the symphony, I either take B or I take my best friend. And sometimes, if they're not available, I end up going by myself. And hardly anyone watches my streams anymore, so it's hard to get the energy to be just another fat white bearded guy on the internet playing video games.

It is what it is, I guess.

[polyamorousduckie]

Reblog this if you are literally suprised when people find you attractive.

[polyamorousduckie]

A larger update is coming. This is just me saying that I’m still here.

Oh, and I have cut my abusive dad out of my life for good.

[polyamorousduckie]

Winter is such a hard time of year. Even without seasonal depressy feels.

The holidays are too stressful. There is too much pressure, too much guilt, too much stress. Being poly does NOT make that any easier.

My parents know that I’m poly. My mom accepts it but doesn’t really get it. My dad told me it is disgusting and not to bring it around his family. So explaining that my partner will likely only be joining me for one or the other of my families’ Christmases feels difficult. I know they don’t understand. And I’m so afraid that they are going to judge my partner for that. Or feel like my relationship is lesser and that I’m not valued enough by my partner. I’m afraid that they are going to judge him for always having another partner when I’ve only had one and not for that long.

I’m going to lie. I’m going to say he’s stuck working because I can’t deal with my parents potentially thinking less of my partner for it. I hate it. I hate it so much. It feels so dishonest to MYSELF. And I am having such a hard time reasoning with that. On TOP of wishing that he would be there for both.

I hate that I’m so uncomfortable with just the possibility of judgement. I hate that I’m going to lie to them and I hate that I even feelthe need to lie. I try to tell myself that it doesnt matter what others think…. but this is someone I am going to be spending my life with… i’m afraid more of what my family will think of him, and I fucking hate that so much.

Now that I have ranted and ranted, I don’t even know how to conclude this.

So I’ll just leave it at this…

For any poly folks who have a tough time on the holidays, you are NOT alone <3

[polyamorousduckie]

You know you’re depressed when masturbation doesn’t even sound like a good idea.

I mean, why bother with making myself come? I’ll still be alone afterwards.

[polyamorousduckie]

Damnit. I've had a few to drink, and I've been flirting with a co-worker, and now I'm horny and there's nothing I can do about it.

[polyamorousduckie]

Did I download Tinder and create a profile again? Yes.

Am I tempted to pay for Tinder Gold just to see the likes that are probably bots? Also yes.

Am I just lonely and want some affection? Also also yes.

Am I expecting to end up deleting Tinder after a month with zero connections? Also also also yes.

[polyamorousduckie]

Update on things with the nurse:

She gave her bf an ultimatum to change his toxicity. It worked. He’s changed his attitude and she’s much happier with him.

On one hand, I’m glad she’s happy.

On the other hand, I wish she hadn’t told me that she had considered breaking up with him in the first place.

I never stood a chance with her. It is what it is. I can be happy for her while being sad.

I guess I’m just feeling extra lonely right now. It’s been almost 5 years since I was romantically involved with someone who wasn’t B. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be with another person again. It sure doesn’t feel like it’s possible.

[polyamorousduckie]

i'm a sucker for good morning, goodnight, i miss you, and i'm so thankful for you texts.

[polyamorousduckie]

Who wants to flirt with me until I’m not sad anymore

[polyamorousduckie]

I am so hard when I first wake up. I think I’m at my horniest in the morning.

One of my fantasies is getting woken up by a blow job. Like, fall asleep with whoever my partner is, then when I get hard in the night, they take me into their mouth while I’m still asleep, and I slowly wake up to them servicing me.

[polyamorousduckie]

What’s better than losing faith in dating apps altogether?

DOING MORE DATING APPS!

Now I’m trying OKC, because they’ve apparently made some major changes to the app to include more polyamorous options. They have, but the age range and distance range are simply arbitrary.

But here’s the thing that fucked me over:

That’s PER MONTH! Just to read messages sent to you. Fucking hell. Even with the 50% off thing, it’s still renewing at $60! At least Tinder was only $8/month.

[polyamorousduckie]

Yeah, that didn't take long to delete. I lost 3 likes, and the 1 match I had blocked me. Also I found a former co-worker and got scared.

Some things never change. It was, as I expected, a lesson in futility. I highly doubt any of the other apps are any different.

Oh my GOD why the FUCK did I get on Tinder again?

To satisfy my curiosity?

In the span of a few days, I've gotten 11 likes, 1 match. And the 1 match hasn't responded, because of course they haven't.

Which tells me that the likes I'm getting are either outside of my ranges or people I haven't liked. Maybe they're actually people, or maybe they're bots run by scammers (yes, that almost happened to me before).

I mean, when the majority of profiles I see are Christian nurses with children and dogs who love hunting and fishing, it's almost hard to believe that I can't find a datemate.

*Sorkin sarcasm line*

[polyamorousduckie]

Oh my GOD why the FUCK did I get on Tinder again?

To satisfy my curiosity?

In the span of a few days, I've gotten 11 likes, 1 match. And the 1 match hasn't responded, because of course they haven't.

Which tells me that the likes I'm getting are either outside of my ranges or people I haven't liked. Maybe they're actually people, or maybe they're bots run by scammers (yes, that almost happened to me before).

I mean, when the majority of profiles I see are Christian nurses with children and dogs who love hunting and fishing, it's almost hard to believe that I can't find a datemate.

*Sorkin sarcasm line*

[polyamorousduckie]

wanna cuddle and cuddle and cuddle and cuddle and cuddle and fuck and cuddle and cuddle and

[polyamorousduckie]

Everyone needs a hug every now and again.

(Drawings done by ASU Rocks)

[polyamorousduckie]