newsofthenight

[newsofthenight]

Underfunded Research Team Stumbles Upon Salt in Seawater

A severely underfunded and wholly unprepared independent research team has stumbled upon a revelation of extremely mild proportions. They just figured out that there is salt in sea water. This attempt at a groundbreaking discovery has left the scientific group excited for the future. Their story began simply when a ragtag team of researchers, armed with little more than hope and a few pieces of…

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Elderly Embrace Extreme Sports, but Is It Just a Senior Moment?

A growing number of seniors are swapping shuffleboard for skydiving and front lawn socials for BMX biking. These geriatric daredevils are golden age adrenaline junkies and they’re defying expectations and gravity as they embrace extreme sports with gusto. Some local retirement communities, once known for their tranquil gardens and leisurely bingo nights, are now loud with partying and roaring…

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Community Plans Intervention for Caffeine Addict

A local man has recently been adamantly denying his addiction to the beloved beverage, but his family, friends,and local gas station owners with a “free refill” policy, are claiming his addictions are going too far. Mark Fetterman, the “Coffee Enthusiast” , as he says, keeps an unwavering insistence that he can quit caffeine anytime he wants. He continues to claim this despite the mounting…

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Scientists Unveil Genetically Engineered Chocolate Milk Cow

Scientists have recently unveiled their latest creation, a cow capable of producing chocolate milk straight from the tap. Dubbed the “Hownow Browncow” by delighted researchers, this bovine breakthrough promises to revolutionize the dairy industry and satisfy chocolate cravings in unprecedented ways. The concept, as ridiculous as it sounds, began as a brainstorming session among a group of…

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Man Awakens from Coma In Time For Election

A man who has been in a coma for for nearly four years has regained consciousness just in time to face the impending chaos of an upcoming election. Upon learning the length of his long rest, he became horrified suddenly, says his family who were in attendance at the time. Jason Brumble was in an accident shortly after getting off work in November of 2020, right after the last election had just…

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Local Chef Lands in Hot Water for Free Sample Cannon

A local chef’s innovative approach to distributing free samples has recently landed him in hot water and local authorities steaming mad. The daring chef, Jamie Renner, was cited by local authorities for his unorthodox method of dispersing delectable delights by using an actual cannon to distribute them. The controversy began innocently enough, with the Renner’s attending a baseball game. He…

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Muscled Mime Keeps Quiet About Bodybuilding Secrets

Recently a rather muscular mime has been making waves in the performance and fitness world, all while keeping tight lipped about the mysterious methods behind their massive physique. The city’s resident mime, known as “Muscle Maestro,” has people gossiping about the clandestine training regimen that turns invisible resistance into visible gains. The enigmatic mime, often spotted silently…

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Viral Prank Claims Mayonnaise is the Ultimate Deodorant

Unfortunate as it is, a recent viral prank video has convinced unsuspecting individuals that slathering mayonnaise on their armpits is the secret to the perfect deodorant. The mayonnaise as deodorant craze has caught on like wildfire, leaving a trail of confusion, stains, and the unmistakable stank of expired condiments. The viral video, titled “MayoMagic,” features a pair of overly enthusiastic…

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Letters to the Editor #6, The Littlest Planet That Could

In the vast cosmos of astronomical debates, one celestial body stands resilient against the scientific snubbery it endures and that planet is Pluto. I stand with those that would recognize the little dwarf planet as a member of our planetary family. I’m here to declare, with unwavering conviction, that Pluto is indeed a planet, and I’ll gladly set up camp on that distant, icy hill, and then die…

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Ghostly Founders Express Displeasure with Current Management

Fast food establishments have been recently reporting an increase of mysterious apparitions appearing in their kitchens and dining areas. Witnesses claim these ghosts are back from the afterlife to deliver a paranormal message. They say the founders are not happy with the way things are being run and they are planning a return to set the wrong things right. These ethereal figures have been…

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Midwest Town on Edge Over Government Birdwatching

There’s some reports recently of a Midwest town that seems to be finding itself thrown into a hub of avian anxiety. Residents there are now on high alert amid rumors circulating about the federal government employing trained birds for covert surveillance. The once relaxed, small town atmosphere now is filled with fear, suspicion and a heightened awareness of anything bird related. Whispers of…

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Couple's Dream Vacation Turns into Nautical Nightmare

A tale that sails the seas between expectation and reality, a couple embarked on their dream vacation to a pirate-themed resort, only to discover the harsh realities of the pirate lifestyle isn’t exactly as fantastical as the movies made them out to be. What was envisioned as a whimsical escapade into Caribbean history and lore quickly turned into a nautical nightmare, leaving the couple with…

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Special Report: The State of the Union

A brief history of the State of the Union address. The ‘State of the Union’ is the name given to a yearly speech by the president of the United States of America, delivered to congress, outlining key issues concerning the country. In reality it gives the sitting president a chance to get on television, say some flowery words, get people into arguments, and ultimately accomplish little more than…

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Ghost Laments Choice of Cheap Hotel

A local ghost has reportedly expressed their regret over choosing a budget friendly hotel while they were alive. The spirit, known in life as Chester Douglas, met his untimely end inside an extremely cheap motel room, and it seems regret has quickly set in. Some witnesses claim to have heard eerie wails of misery echoing through the corridors, with occasional statements like, “It always smells…

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Local Braggart Challenges Gorilla to Boxing Match

Recently, a local man’s bold claim that he could outbox a gorilla has led to a surprising invitation from the Atlanta zoo. The somewhat intoxicated amateur pugilist, bragged to those around him of his prowess in the ring. A caretaker of the gorilla exhibit overheard this boasting and now he is facing the opportunity to prove his mettle or be called out for his lies. Andrew Blythe, boldly…

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Charcuterie Boards Declared Must Have Items of the Elite

Charcuterie boards have officially been added to the list of must-have items for insufferable people worldwide. The decision was made by the International Council of Pretentious People (ICPP), a prestigious organization dedicated to identifying and endorsing activities that make people more interesting than the common rabble they are sometimes forced to mingle with. What was once simply a humble…

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Man Discovers 3% African Heritage, Promptly Moves Family to the Motherland

A Caucasian man recently took a DNA test revealing that he has a 3% African heritage, sparking in him an ambitious journey to reconnect with his roots. The man, eager to embrace his newfound lineage, managed to convince his family to pack their bags and embark on an adventure to Africa, leaving their normal life behind with their very unexpected move. The DNA revelation, which initially shocked…