#satirical news

[themisinformer]

Tragic: Luigi Mangione Commits Suicide By Shooting Self in Back of the Neck While Tied Up to Chair

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - In a tragic turn of events, Luigi Mangione was found dead in his jail cell Tuesday with a gunshot wound in the back of his head while tied up to a chair. The death was ruled a suicide by authorities. This came while Mangione was awaiting trial for the murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson.

“Cases like this are always tragic,” said Detective Roy Hansen, who was in Mangione’s jail cell seconds after his death to declare it a suicide. “He was just about to go to trial, and then boom, he’s just gone. It’s a real shame that we won’t be hearing from him anymore.”

Hansen also made note of the circumstances surrounding Mangione’s death. “He clearly went to great lengths to end his own life,” Hansen stated. “He was tied up to a chair with duct tape covering his mouth. There was a gunshot wound on the back of his head, maximizing the impact. It’s clear that this act of suicide was deliberate and not an accident. I just can’t believe it.”

With Mangione gone, he was posthumously found guilty and all evidence against Thompson and all evidence against UnitedHealthcare was summarily shredded.

[amandamadeathing]

@theonion headline paired with Crosshair.

[chronicillnesshumor]

SATIRICAL NEWS

[dingleberrytimes]

Donald Trump Selects Papa John As His Running Mate

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Commending him as an all American hero, former president Donald Trump has announced that he has selected former CEO and spokesperson for the pizza chain Papa John’s, John “Papa” Schnatter as his running mate for when he runs for a non-consecutive second term as President this November.

“When these phony charges were brought up against me by the radical left, many people who I thought I could trust turned their backs on me and left me out to dry, fending for myself.” Trump said during a rally in New York City.

“But there has been one man who has been there for me all throughout this whole excruciating time, and that’s the all American Papa John! This guy is one of the last true patriots left in this country, folks. He believes in America, and he believes in our idea that we need to take America back and put America first once again. That is why I am proud to announce that Papa John will be my official running mate for the 2024 election. That’s right, two of the most genius businessmen in American history are teaming up to make America great again. It doesn’t get more American than this, folks.”

Trump would then bring Papa John out on stage, who would repeat some of the same rhetoric that Trump said earlier, before promising every single working American who was struggling under the Biden economy a free stimulus pizza.

[literaturenews]

Onyx Storm, sequel to Iron Flame and Fourth Wing, breaks records

The latest book in the popular (for reasons unknown) romantasy series called the 'Empyrean series' has shattered records. Middle-class white women couldn't wait to get their hands on 'Onyx Storm' as the series's third instalment is the fastest selling adult novel in twenty years, with 2.7 million illiterate people purchasing copies within the first week of the book's release. Rather than being ashamed of her work, author Rebecca Yarros has announced that she'll be cursing the world with a forth novel, something which is bound to get booktok girlies excited.

[mr-imagin8ion]

Person Dies

A satirical news article by the Babylonion Clickbean

EVERYTIME, ANYPLACE - Recently in Celebrityville, known famous person A. Person has confounded fans and observers alike by engaging in an inconceivable process known as "dying". Nobody was prepared for such an occurrence.

Person was known to have one of many health complications, which historically almost never cause anything bad to happen, and lived until the age of ninety-bleven, which makes this especially sad, because humans usually live to almost four-fifths of that length of time.

One fan, who has never personally met Person and can't remember a single one of his roles offhand, called Person's death "heartbreaking", and within seconds, added his picture to the already-full heaven meme.

According to the tone of the responses of people, the tragedy is heightened because this is the first time in history that anybody has ever died. Person was later memorialized in a ceremony mentioning a lot of people, and buried in a very full place.

The event was made a little less surprising by the fact that the death happened to an Earthling, a species who is notoriously unfamiliar with the idea of mortality salience. One can only hope they learn to correct this memory lapse in time for galactic auditions.

The Babylonion Clickbean is your primary source for satirical news.

[asleepymonster]

I think satirical news websites should be absolutely required to watermark "satirical news" over their headlines. I think it's completely unethical to continue not doing so.

Lots of people do not have media literacy, especially online literacy. That's okay, people need time to learn these things, and that's why it's disproportionately children and elderly. Especially in the case of elderly people, they've been trained all their lives to believe the news. They've been trained to look at a news headlines and take that as fact. You cannot expect these people to understand that the news headlines they are reading are satirical, especially when they have to dig to find that out.

In fact many many people, even those with good Internet literacy, will be tricked by these satirical news websites. Sometimes this information is buried, usually by hiding it in a paragraph in the "about us" page or in small text at the bottom.

One time my mom, who is 60 this year, showed me an article. She linked to it and everything. The website looked like any other news website except if you scrolled all the way down and saw the little disclaimer at the bottom explaining this was a satirical news site. My mom thought this article was real, and when I explained to her what it actually was she was stunned. She thought that was illegal, that was the first thing she said, "isn't that illegal?" If she hadn't shown me this article, if I hadn't checked to see if the website was legitimate, she would have believed the information was true. My husband's mom has done this to him several times, she still gets tricked by this. My aunt actively does this. You cannot convince her that these articles are fake even when you show her all the evidence because she'll find some other news website that picked up the story and even though the source for that site is the satirical site, she believes the "legitimate" source can't lie.

Here's the problem, or one of many, these sites can and do interrupt the process of someone becoming savvy enough to spot these things on the Internet. If no one is there to interrupt the process, it can become a snowball of a problem for that person without them even realizing it.

I've had this really bad taste in my mouth about satirical news for a while. It's one thing if it's harmless fun, like say an article about someone interviewing a gummy bear or whatever. It's an entirely different thing when the article is about how vaccines killed millions of people, and yes that is the essence of an article my husband's mom sent him. It's irresponsible at best and downright malicious at the worst.

I wish I could give some kind of helpful conclusion, I wish I could point you to a place you could support to help mitigate this problem, but I don't really know. You can call for satirical news websites to do this, but the malicious ones won't comply. I don't know how you would make this actionable, I just know it's a very large problem, larger then people realize I think.

[thehalfwaypost]

[s3znl-gr3znl]

Heartwarming: Worst Guy Ever Saves Children From A Lion In Zoo By Not Throwing Them Into The Enclosure.

Chud Doofusson (56) was hailed as a hero today after he saved several children on a school trip by deciding not to throw them into the Lion's enclosure, likely saving the life of the lion as well.

Witnesses say "he just stood there and did nothing," and "i was really impressed with how well he didnt throw those kids into the lion's enclosure."

We got a chance to speak with Chud after he was recently made Mayor of America for his heroism, who had this to say:

"Fuck, man i really wanted to throw those kids in the enclosure with the lion. But somebody had to not do it, and i just thought, well, why not me?"

[the-new-mr-imagin8ion]

Cute Animal Fails To Provide Adequate Distraction From Unjustified Living Costs

A satirical news article by the Dodon't

2020-DUE, STAGVILLE: In a local town, a tiny and extremely adoptable yellow-headed prairie kitten, Surfeit, has saved his human from a tall tree. Now, the owner can continue to provide Surfeit with all the best care and supplies, an act that's universally perceived as patronizing and an insult by the overcharged and underpaid masses in town who are living day to day and have to spend the rest on making less deserving people richer.

Surfeit has been described by the people who knew him as "costs only the best", "top dollar", and "worth the expense". Now he and his human can roam around their paid-off two-story house, and afford to rescue as many more adorable animals as they wish. Meanwhile, the owners of Surfeit's rental properties are barely able to buy breakfast, are forced to ask their mutually hated parents for loans every week, aren't allowed to go to driver's ed, are booked too tight to even be able to get jobs that actually pay and have no time to be who they really are, have to pass through indecipherable social gantlets to only be rejected anyway, and have to give Surfeit's owner more every month than Surfeit's owner's house ever cost.

Surfeit has promised that if everyone works hard, he'll be able to do even more good deeds, and they can make his life even more adorable. "I just wanted to show off that I can make a difference, because I have the tools and you don't." He hopes that one day, all news will be good things happening to animals, so nobody ever learns that anything is wrong or how to make anything right.

The Dodon't is your primary source for how all feel-good animal news sounds like to some people.

[themisinformer]

Trump Renames New Mexico to ‘New America’

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a groundbreaking piece of legislation, President Donald Trump has just signed an executive order that would rename the state of New Mexico to the state of New America by 2028, making it the first time a state in the union has ever changed their name in the United States’ entire 245 year history. According to Trump, the name change is being done in an effort to decrease Mexico’s ever growing influence in the country.

“This is America, not Mexico,” Trump said to reporters in the Oval Office in regards to the executive order. “If the New Mexicans want to be Mexican so badly, then they can go to the real Mexico. But we don’t need any New Mexicans here in America, we only need New Americans.”

The executive order states that the name change won’t officially go into effect until January of 2028, giving the state three years to prepare for the name change by updating signs, drivers licenses and other official documents.

As a part of the name change, Trump has also stated that he’s been considering changing the name of Santa Fe, New Mexico’s capital city, to “Santa Claus,” because “it just sounds more American.”

In response to this executive order, New Mexico’s state government has issued a statement condemning Trump’s actions towards the state, calling it “ridiculous” and “erasing their history and cultural heritage.” Trump would brush these criticisms off, however.

“There’s not even American, they’re Mexican,” Trump said. “They have no say in how we run our country as Americans.” New Mexico’s state court disagrees with this, however, and has officially filed a lawsuit against the federal government, demanding that they reverse the executive order, deeming it unconstitutional.

The lawsuit has yet to make its way through the courts. Follow The Misinformer to continue to be updated on this situation.

[amandamadeathing]

@theonion headline paired with Crosshair.

Because he can't smoke on a family show, and chewing gum would be require a lot of ADR and be a pain to animate.

[chronicillnesshumor]

[mediawizard]

SATIRICAL HEADLINES: HEADLINE: The U.S. continues to pretend to be polarized about politics, continuing the perfect excuse to ignore distant family.

HEADLINE: 9 out of 10 doctors are paranoid that some patients are 'hypochondriacs'! HEADLINE: All cosmetic brands discontinue all product testing on animals. Animal adoption rates plummet as public realizes most animals are actually a bunch of uggos.

[dingleberrytimes]

‘I’m Just Tired of Gays Shoving Their Lifestyle Down People’s Throats’ Says Man Who Still Has Trump Flags on Back of His Truck

DALLAS, TEXAS - With Pride Month being in full force, many people in the LGBT community are out in full swing commemorating their sexual orientation, and the fight it took the previous generations to be recognized and considered as equals to their heterosexual counterparts. However, Pride Month has always been a controversial occasion not only due to its subject matter, but also because of how inescapable it seems to some people.

Enter 68 year old Dallas native Todd Singleton, who has witnessed the rise of the LGBT movement firsthand. And although he has no problem with what “the gays” do on their own time in private, as a Christian man, he feels like he doesn’t have to be subject to their lifestyle when out in public.

“Look, I have nothing against the gays.” Todd told reporters Sunday. “Believe me, I happen to have a granddaughter who’s friends with a bisexual girl, and I support their friendship dearly. My problem comes when they do all their gay stuff publicly. You just can’t escape it, especially during this time of the month, when it’s encouraged. Do your gay stuff in the privacy of your own home, but don’t subject other people to it. I don’t hate the gays, but as a God fearing man, I shouldn’t have to be subject to their sinful ways just because it’s a trend for the kids these days. If Trump was still in office, then none of this stuff would be encouraged. Boy, Do I miss him. Anyways, I gotta go to the upcoming Proud Boys march. So, smell ya later!”

At publishing time, Todd was seen getting in his truck that was still decked out in “Trump 2020” flags, with them proudly waving in front of everyone in the distance as he drove off.