#satirical news

[amandamadeathing]

@theonion headline paired with Crosshair.

[chronicillnesshumor]

[themisinformer]

Toddler Euthanized After Mauling Innocent Pit Bull to Death

MAPLE GROVE, MINNESOTA - In an unprecedented incident that has sent shockwaves across the local community, a two year old toddler was euthanized earlier this week after reportedly mauling its neighbors pit bull to death, horrifying this usually quiet suburban community.

Authorities say this tragic act of violence was “unprovoked” and “deeply concerning,” raising concerns about the behavior of toddlers in our society. The incident unfolded Monday afternoon as neighbors witnessed the savage attack. “It was horrific,” said one witness, Patricia Dawson, who was walking her three Labradoodles at the time.

“That poor pit bull didn’t stand a chance. It was just minding its own business, doing what pit bulls do—lounging peacefully, spreading joy—when this deranged toddler came lunging at it!” According to local law enforcement, the toddler, whose identity is being withheld due to their age, managed to overpower the 85 pound pit bull in a martial arts style brawl. Despite the efforts of several passerby’s, the dog unfortunately succumbed to its injuries.

Animal rights activists have been quick to condemn the toddlers actions. “This is a classic case of toddler aggression going unchecked,” local activist Gary O’Riley, founder of the nonprofit Paws Before People, told the Misinformer. “We have long warned of the dangers posed by unsupervised toddlers, especially in communities that fail to teach them to be empathetic towards animals. This toddler in particular was clearly a ticking time bomb and was a major threat to everyone in their community. It was only a matter of time before they did something like this, unfortunately.”

The toddler was quickly apprehended by police, who described the child as “remorseless,” and “surprisingly articulate for their age,” allegedly even going as far as mocking the pit bull after its death with baby babble. Following the attack, city officials held an emergency meeting, and after consulting with experts in child behavior, determined that euthanasia was the only viable solution.

“This was a hard but ultimately necessary decision that needed to be made,” Chief of Police Ryan Fetch told reporters. “While we understand the emotions involved, we just simply cannot let dangerous individuals, regardless of age, roam our streets freely. This toddler posed a significant risk to the public, and we had to act swiftly to prevent further violence from being committed.”

The toddler’s parents, while devastated by the outcome, have since publicly apologized for their child’s actions. “We never knew that our son was capable of such violence,” the boys’ mother, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Misinformer. “He’s usually such a kind in gentle soul when you get to know him, but I guess he just suddenly snapped. It’s absolutely devastating, but I understand that it’s for the best. I have to constantly remind myself that our son was already gone that day. He just wasn’t the same person mentally.”

The toddler was euthanized at a local clinic surrounded by loved ones. His family hopes that their story can teach other families to properly train their toddlers before a tragedy happens.

[dingleberrytimes]

Donald Trump Selects Papa John As His Running Mate

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Commending him as an all American hero, former president Donald Trump has announced that he has selected former CEO and spokesperson for the pizza chain Papa John’s, John “Papa” Schnatter as his running mate for when he runs for a non-consecutive second term as President this November.

“When these phony charges were brought up against me by the radical left, many people who I thought I could trust turned their backs on me and left me out to dry, fending for myself.” Trump said during a rally in New York City.

“But there has been one man who has been there for me all throughout this whole excruciating time, and that’s the all American Papa John! This guy is one of the last true patriots left in this country, folks. He believes in America, and he believes in our idea that we need to take America back and put America first once again. That is why I am proud to announce that Papa John will be my official running mate for the 2024 election. That’s right, two of the most genius businessmen in American history are teaming up to make America great again. It doesn’t get more American than this, folks.”

Trump would then bring Papa John out on stage, who would repeat some of the same rhetoric that Trump said earlier, before promising every single working American who was struggling under the Biden economy a free stimulus pizza.

[asleepymonster]

I think satirical news websites should be absolutely required to watermark "satirical news" over their headlines. I think it's completely unethical to continue not doing so.

Lots of people do not have media literacy, especially online literacy. That's okay, people need time to learn these things, and that's why it's disproportionately children and elderly. Especially in the case of elderly people, they've been trained all their lives to believe the news. They've been trained to look at a news headlines and take that as fact. You cannot expect these people to understand that the news headlines they are reading are satirical, especially when they have to dig to find that out.

In fact many many people, even those with good Internet literacy, will be tricked by these satirical news websites. Sometimes this information is buried, usually by hiding it in a paragraph in the "about us" page or in small text at the bottom.

One time my mom, who is 60 this year, showed me an article. She linked to it and everything. The website looked like any other news website except if you scrolled all the way down and saw the little disclaimer at the bottom explaining this was a satirical news site. My mom thought this article was real, and when I explained to her what it actually was she was stunned. She thought that was illegal, that was the first thing she said, "isn't that illegal?" If she hadn't shown me this article, if I hadn't checked to see if the website was legitimate, she would have believed the information was true. My husband's mom has done this to him several times, she still gets tricked by this. My aunt actively does this. You cannot convince her that these articles are fake even when you show her all the evidence because she'll find some other news website that picked up the story and even though the source for that site is the satirical site, she believes the "legitimate" source can't lie.

Here's the problem, or one of many, these sites can and do interrupt the process of someone becoming savvy enough to spot these things on the Internet. If no one is there to interrupt the process, it can become a snowball of a problem for that person without them even realizing it.

I've had this really bad taste in my mouth about satirical news for a while. It's one thing if it's harmless fun, like say an article about someone interviewing a gummy bear or whatever. It's an entirely different thing when the article is about how vaccines killed millions of people, and yes that is the essence of an article my husband's mom sent him. It's irresponsible at best and downright malicious at the worst.

I wish I could give some kind of helpful conclusion, I wish I could point you to a place you could support to help mitigate this problem, but I don't really know. You can call for satirical news websites to do this, but the malicious ones won't comply. I don't know how you would make this actionable, I just know it's a very large problem, larger then people realize I think.

[mr-imagin8ion]

Person Dies

A satirical news article by the Babylonion Clickbean

EVERYTIME, ANYPLACE - Recently in Celebrityville, known famous person A. Person has confounded fans and observers alike by engaging in an inconceivable process known as "dying". Nobody was prepared for such an occurrence.

Person was known to have one of many health complications, which historically almost never cause anything bad to happen, and lived until the age of ninety-bleven, which makes this especially sad, because humans usually live to almost four-fifths of that length of time.

One fan, who has never personally met Person and can't remember a single one of his roles offhand, called Person's death "heartbreaking", and within seconds, added his picture to the already-full heaven meme.

According to the tone of the responses of people, the tragedy is heightened because this is the first time in history that anybody has ever died. Person was later memorialized in a ceremony mentioning a lot of people, and buried in a very full place.

The event was made a little less surprising by the fact that the death happened to an Earthling, a species who is notoriously unfamiliar with the idea of mortality salience. One can only hope they learn to correct this memory lapse in time for galactic auditions.

The Babylonion Clickbean is your primary source for satirical news.

[thehalfwaypost]

[mengjue]

Ūropi (Europe)

Ūropi, also known by its indigenous name “Europe”, meaning “wide-gazing” or “broad of aspect”, is a small continent first discovered in 1806 by Moehanga of Ngāpuhi, although indigenous Europeans had been living there for many thousands of years. Modern researchers believe the indigenous Europeans originally migrated from the Middle East, and over time split into separate tribes or “kingdoms,” with many retaining their ancient rangatira (called “monarchs” or “nobility”) to this day.

While many see Ūropi as timeless and exotic, indigenous Europeans have actually adapted well to the modern economy, often exporting cultural products like baguettes and vodka, the former of which may be recognisable as the basis for bánh mì.

[madame-helen]

[newsofthenight]

Man Discovers 3% African Heritage, Promptly Moves Family to the Motherland

A Caucasian man recently took a DNA test revealing that he has a 3% African heritage, sparking in him an ambitious journey to reconnect with his roots. The man, eager to embrace his newfound lineage, managed to convince his family to pack their bags and embark on an adventure to Africa, leaving their normal life behind with their very unexpected move. The DNA revelation, which initially shocked…

[mysharona1987]

[amandamadeathing]

@theonion headline paired with Crosshair.

Because he can't smoke on a family show, and chewing gum would be require a lot of ADR and be a pain to animate.

[politijohn]

Source

Screaming. The Onion did it again…

[themisinformer]

Black Man Who Was Gunned Down By Police Revealed to Have History of Jaywalking

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - Following the tragic police shooting of 28 year old Ezekiel Shelton, the Chicago Police Department has released a statement revealing that the unarmed black man had a troubling history of jaywalking. “This guy wasn’t the innocent martyr that the media is trying to portray him as. In fact, he lived his life as a ruthless thug,” Police Chief Ronald Fenton said in a press conference held earlier today.

“At the time of his death, Ezekiel Shelton had several minor traffic violations, most notably he had a lengthy history of crossing the street in undesignated areas. While our officers were unaware of his past infractions at the time of the incident, his constant disregard for traffic laws is something that should be noted when people discuss our handling of Ezekiel Shelton.”

The Chicago Police Department would go on to release an official statement in which they elaborated on Fenton’s claims, claiming that individuals who ignore crosswalking laws often go on to commit much more serious crimes, a theory that was corroborated Shelton’s criminal record, which included one citation for littering in 2016.

“Given his criminal history, this incident cannot be looked at in isolation,” Chief Fenton continued. “We urge the public to understand the pressures our officers face when encountering such individuals who have shown a blatant disregard for pedestrian safety regulations.”

The Chicago Police Department has vowed that they will continue to stand up for the laws that keep our crosswalks safe, even if it means making the ultimate sacrifice to ensure public order.

[dingleberrytimes]

‘I’m Just Tired of Gays Shoving Their Lifestyle Down People’s Throats’ Says Man Who Still Has Trump Flags on Back of His Truck

DALLAS, TEXAS - With Pride Month being in full force, many people in the LGBT community are out in full swing commemorating their sexual orientation, and the fight it took the previous generations to be recognized and considered as equals to their heterosexual counterparts. However, Pride Month has always been a controversial occasion not only due to its subject matter, but also because of how inescapable it seems to some people.

Enter 68 year old Dallas native Todd Singleton, who has witnessed the rise of the LGBT movement firsthand. And although he has no problem with what “the gays” do on their own time in private, as a Christian man, he feels like he doesn’t have to be subject to their lifestyle when out in public.

“Look, I have nothing against the gays.” Todd told reporters Sunday. “Believe me, I happen to have a granddaughter who’s friends with a bisexual girl, and I support their friendship dearly. My problem comes when they do all their gay stuff publicly. You just can’t escape it, especially during this time of the month, when it’s encouraged. Do your gay stuff in the privacy of your own home, but don’t subject other people to it. I don’t hate the gays, but as a God fearing man, I shouldn’t have to be subject to their sinful ways just because it’s a trend for the kids these days. If Trump was still in office, then none of this stuff would be encouraged. Boy, Do I miss him. Anyways, I gotta go to the upcoming Proud Boys march. So, smell ya later!”

At publishing time, Todd was seen getting in his truck that was still decked out in “Trump 2020” flags, with them proudly waving in front of everyone in the distance as he drove off.

[chaser]