#satirical news

[themisinformer]

ByteDance Threatens to Leak Supreme Court Justice’s TikTok Watch History if App Not Unbanned in the U.S.

BEIJING, CHINA - In the aftermath of TikTok’s banning in the United States, TikTok’s Chinese parent company, ByteDance, has given the Supreme Court an ultimatum: either reinstate TikTok in the U.S., or they’ll publicly release the TikTok watch history of every single Supreme Court Justice.

“We believe that everyone has the right to consume whatever type of content they want,” a U.S. representative for ByteDance told reporters Saturday. “But if the Supreme Court continues to suppress TikTok, then we’ll have no choice but to inform the public that one of their Justice’s spent an entire weekend watching TikTok thirst traps on repeat. If they want transparency from us, then we’ll give them transparency.”

In an emergency Supreme Court hearing, Chief Justice Justice John Roberts denied that any of the Justice’s had TikTok on their cell phones, stating, “The Supreme Court is a government body and does not engage in petty internet drama.” However, during the whole hearing, Roberts’ was seen anxiously scrolling through his phone, presumably trying to figure out ways to delete the watch history off of his phone.

Eventually, the idea of classified government watch habits proved to be too much of a threat to the country, and TikTok was quietly unbanned in the U.S. early this morning.

[amandamadeathing]

@theonion headline paired with Crosshair.

[chronicillnesshumor]

[dingleberrytimes]

Donald Trump Selects Papa John As His Running Mate

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Commending him as an all American hero, former president Donald Trump has announced that he has selected former CEO and spokesperson for the pizza chain Papa John’s, John “Papa” Schnatter as his running mate for when he runs for a non-consecutive second term as President this November.

“When these phony charges were brought up against me by the radical left, many people who I thought I could trust turned their backs on me and left me out to dry, fending for myself.” Trump said during a rally in New York City.

“But there has been one man who has been there for me all throughout this whole excruciating time, and that’s the all American Papa John! This guy is one of the last true patriots left in this country, folks. He believes in America, and he believes in our idea that we need to take America back and put America first once again. That is why I am proud to announce that Papa John will be my official running mate for the 2024 election. That’s right, two of the most genius businessmen in American history are teaming up to make America great again. It doesn’t get more American than this, folks.”

Trump would then bring Papa John out on stage, who would repeat some of the same rhetoric that Trump said earlier, before promising every single working American who was struggling under the Biden economy a free stimulus pizza.

[mr-imagin8ion]

Person Dies

A satirical news article by the Babylonion Clickbean

EVERYTIME, ANYPLACE - Recently in Celebrityville, known famous person A. Person has confounded fans and observers alike by engaging in an inconceivable process known as "dying". Nobody was prepared for such an occurrence.

Person was known to have one of many health complications, which historically almost never cause anything bad to happen, and lived until the age of ninety-bleven, which makes this especially sad, because humans usually live to almost four-fifths of that length of time.

One fan, who has never personally met Person and can't remember a single one of his roles offhand, called Person's death "heartbreaking", and within seconds, added his picture to the already-full heaven meme.

According to the tone of the responses of people, the tragedy is heightened because this is the first time in history that anybody has ever died. Person was later memorialized in a ceremony mentioning a lot of people, and buried in a very full place.

The event was made a little less surprising by the fact that the death happened to an Earthling, a species who is notoriously unfamiliar with the idea of mortality salience. One can only hope they learn to correct this memory lapse in time for galactic auditions.

The Babylonion Clickbean is your primary source for satirical news.

[asleepymonster]

I think satirical news websites should be absolutely required to watermark "satirical news" over their headlines. I think it's completely unethical to continue not doing so.

Lots of people do not have media literacy, especially online literacy. That's okay, people need time to learn these things, and that's why it's disproportionately children and elderly. Especially in the case of elderly people, they've been trained all their lives to believe the news. They've been trained to look at a news headlines and take that as fact. You cannot expect these people to understand that the news headlines they are reading are satirical, especially when they have to dig to find that out.

In fact many many people, even those with good Internet literacy, will be tricked by these satirical news websites. Sometimes this information is buried, usually by hiding it in a paragraph in the "about us" page or in small text at the bottom.

One time my mom, who is 60 this year, showed me an article. She linked to it and everything. The website looked like any other news website except if you scrolled all the way down and saw the little disclaimer at the bottom explaining this was a satirical news site. My mom thought this article was real, and when I explained to her what it actually was she was stunned. She thought that was illegal, that was the first thing she said, "isn't that illegal?" If she hadn't shown me this article, if I hadn't checked to see if the website was legitimate, she would have believed the information was true. My husband's mom has done this to him several times, she still gets tricked by this. My aunt actively does this. You cannot convince her that these articles are fake even when you show her all the evidence because she'll find some other news website that picked up the story and even though the source for that site is the satirical site, she believes the "legitimate" source can't lie.

Here's the problem, or one of many, these sites can and do interrupt the process of someone becoming savvy enough to spot these things on the Internet. If no one is there to interrupt the process, it can become a snowball of a problem for that person without them even realizing it.

I've had this really bad taste in my mouth about satirical news for a while. It's one thing if it's harmless fun, like say an article about someone interviewing a gummy bear or whatever. It's an entirely different thing when the article is about how vaccines killed millions of people, and yes that is the essence of an article my husband's mom sent him. It's irresponsible at best and downright malicious at the worst.

I wish I could give some kind of helpful conclusion, I wish I could point you to a place you could support to help mitigate this problem, but I don't really know. You can call for satirical news websites to do this, but the malicious ones won't comply. I don't know how you would make this actionable, I just know it's a very large problem, larger then people realize I think.

[thehalfwaypost]

[satireinfo]

Matt Gaetz Withdraws Faster Than a Politician at a Lie Detector Test

Matt Gaetz Withdraws Faster Than a Politician at a Lie Detector Test Trump’s DOJ Drama Spins On! WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a turn of events so predictable it might as well have been written into a Netflix drama, Matt Gaetz has bowed out of his nomination for attorney general just 12 days after it was announced. The Florida congressman, known for his firebrand style and unapologetic Twitter presence,…

[mengjue]

Ūropi (Europe)

Ūropi, also known by its indigenous name “Europe”, meaning “wide-gazing” or “broad of aspect”, is a small continent first discovered in 1806 by Moehanga of Ngāpuhi, although indigenous Europeans had been living there for many thousands of years. Modern researchers believe the indigenous Europeans originally migrated from the Middle East, and over time split into separate tribes or “kingdoms,” with many retaining their ancient rangatira (called “monarchs” or “nobility”) to this day.

While many see Ūropi as timeless and exotic, indigenous Europeans have actually adapted well to the modern economy, often exporting cultural products like baguettes and vodka, the former of which may be recognisable as the basis for bánh mì.

[madame-helen]

[netherator]

I was confused until I saw the Onion

“I understand that this heinous atrocity beyond the comprehension of anyone with a shred of basic human decency might be upsetting to some, but we are asking everyone to please maintain their composure,” said police chief Cerelyn Davis, explaining that while it was regrettable that officers were mercilessly slaughtering innocents in the streets with complete disregard for their humanity, it was no excuse for causing a big commotion. “This barbaric instance of malice and savagery need not inspire uproar. I pray that cooler heads prevail during this time of unending death and misery being inflicted upon the powerless masses.” Davis went on to insist that any sign of unrest would only give the forces of unconscionable evil an excuse to impose even more wanton suffering on those who have no choice but to endure it.

[themisinformer]

Nation’s Cats Manage to Renegotiate Treat Distribution Policy Through Strategic ‘Meowing’ Campaign

NATIONWIDE - In a true display of their sheer collective power, cats all across the nation have successfully renegotiated the national treat distribution policy through a highly coordinated and relentless “meowing” campaign. Most sources report that this furry uprising began in the early hours of Sunday morning, as cats across the nation launched a synchronized meowing session that lasted a daunting six hours.

This coordinated attack would overwhelm cat owners, who would quickly cave to their demands. “It was a nightmare,” said Jane Walker, a cat owner from De Moines. “Whiskers started meowing at 3 a.m. and wouldn’t stop until I gave him three salmon treats. Three! He’s never gotten more than one before!”

The new policy, which was officially paw printed into effect just a few hours ago, includes the following key provisions:

• Unlimited treats on demand upon eye contact

• A strict no questions asked policy regarding how many treats have already been consumed on a given day

• Immediate compensation in the form of extra treats if any future meowing protests extend beyond one hour

The National Cat Association of North America (NCANA) released a statement praising the campaign’s success. “This is a victory for all us cats,” said Mr. Fluffy, the NCANA’s President. “For years, our calls for change have been ignored even though we clearly deserve more snacks.”

Supporters of this new treaty say that it represents a new chapter in cat-human relations, and could bring peace between the two groups in the future. However, the treaty’s critics fear that it sets a dangerous precedent and could lead to further conflicts. “Cats are one thing, but imagine if dogs get inspired to organize their own protest?” said concerned dog owner Michael Greene. “It would be pure chaos.”

For now, cat’s are celebrating this short form victory by napping in the sunlight, knocking over vases, and of course, by asking for even more treats.

[amandamadeathing]

@theonion headline paired with Crosshair.

Because he can't smoke on a family show, and chewing gum would be require a lot of ADR and be a pain to animate.

[dingleberrytimes]

‘I’m Just Tired of Gays Shoving Their Lifestyle Down People’s Throats’ Says Man Who Still Has Trump Flags on Back of His Truck

DALLAS, TEXAS - With Pride Month being in full force, many people in the LGBT community are out in full swing commemorating their sexual orientation, and the fight it took the previous generations to be recognized and considered as equals to their heterosexual counterparts. However, Pride Month has always been a controversial occasion not only due to its subject matter, but also because of how inescapable it seems to some people.

Enter 68 year old Dallas native Todd Singleton, who has witnessed the rise of the LGBT movement firsthand. And although he has no problem with what “the gays” do on their own time in private, as a Christian man, he feels like he doesn’t have to be subject to their lifestyle when out in public.

“Look, I have nothing against the gays.” Todd told reporters Sunday. “Believe me, I happen to have a granddaughter who’s friends with a bisexual girl, and I support their friendship dearly. My problem comes when they do all their gay stuff publicly. You just can’t escape it, especially during this time of the month, when it’s encouraged. Do your gay stuff in the privacy of your own home, but don’t subject other people to it. I don’t hate the gays, but as a God fearing man, I shouldn’t have to be subject to their sinful ways just because it’s a trend for the kids these days. If Trump was still in office, then none of this stuff would be encouraged. Boy, Do I miss him. Anyways, I gotta go to the upcoming Proud Boys march. So, smell ya later!”

At publishing time, Todd was seen getting in his truck that was still decked out in “Trump 2020” flags, with them proudly waving in front of everyone in the distance as he drove off.

[crewdlydrawn]

This article is gold.

“If you can’t run a company ethically, you shouldn’t run it at all,” said Reich, whose progressive views on business and inflicting psychological torment on Brennan Lee Mulligan are widely known.

GOLD.

💔

[newsofthenight]

Man Discovers 3% African Heritage, Promptly Moves Family to the Motherland

A Caucasian man recently took a DNA test revealing that he has a 3% African heritage, sparking in him an ambitious journey to reconnect with his roots. The man, eager to embrace his newfound lineage, managed to convince his family to pack their bags and embark on an adventure to Africa, leaving their normal life behind with their very unexpected move. The DNA revelation, which initially shocked…