yiannalianos

[yiannalianos]

Pasta lunch followed by a dip in the pool.

[yiannalianos]

HUNGRY. Lunch, followed by a snack because that pasta didn’t fill me up at all! Roadddd to recovery baby 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[yiannalianos]

All In: My “bigger” jeans don’t fit anymore...

Good mooooorning! I feel like I have so much to say. This past week I barely posted on here because I truly just felt like I was coasting. I typically come on here when I have some ACTUAL updates for you, and today I do! I actually have a few. So where do I begin....Hm... okay yesterday. Yesterday I decided to finally go public about what I’m doing. I spoke about it on my IG story which made me feel like I lifted a 50lb weight off my shoulder. It’s important for me to share my experience with people so that I can hopefully inspire and help anyone going through similar or the same struggles. 

In terms of my body.. it is noticebly a LOT larger. I haven’t seen my stomach, well actually my entire body this soft since high school which was 8 years ago. I don’t hate it, I’m just not used to having rolls when I sit down, or skin folding over my bra. Oh ya, BRAS. Speaking of which, now I know why my mom says she hates wearing them so much. They aren’t comfy, lol. I was feeling really good yesterday, I put on shorts even though I have a lot of cellulite right now, and I decided to own it. My M came over for a swim and I felt super comfy and confident in my bathingsuit which is SO weird. I was having a great day until I tried a pair of jeans on that I bought 1 MONTH AGO when I was “gaining weight” back then. I can’t believe I thought that THAT was weight gain.... So, I officially have 0 pairs of jeans that fit me. I refuse to keep buying clothes because I know that if my period doesn’t come soon, I will be needing to gain even more weight. I can’t lie and say that I’m excited and that I’m comfortable with it, but it’s just reality! What’s the point in spending more and more money when I have no idea how or when my body is going to continue changing. I have to say, I am so proud of myself for simply taking off (or pulling down) the jeans that don’t fit, and putting them away. I’m proud that I didn’t sit in my sorrows and sulk that I have nothing that fits me. I’m proud that I wore my moms loose joggers to dinner instead. This little experience made me realize that when your clothes are too tight or not comfortable, it can greatly impact the way you feel, and the way you carry yourself. So, comfort is the MOVE this summer. Luckily I ordered new clothes from Aerie last week so they should be coming in soon. 

I remember it was 2 weeks ago when I tried on shorts that were too small on me, and it lead me to the worst place I had been in this entire month. I couldn’t stop crying (scroll down to see that shitshow). Ever since then, I made a promise to myself that I will NOT feel sorry for myself and sit in my self-loathing behavior. Instead, I wear clothes that fit my here and now body, and I rarely look in the mirror. Not because I’m trying to avoid my apperance, but because WHY do I need to look anyway? My body is MY body for me to LOVE. Not for me to scrutinize. Ever since that promise, I’ve feel handling body image a LOT better. It’s crazy to me to think that last summer I felt like I still had work to do. What a MIND FUCK! Had work to do? I had a full blown 6-pack. But, I can confidently say that now that I know what it requires both physically, mentally, and emotinally to have that 6-pack, I never want to have one again. NO thank you ma’am! 

All to say that my lesson for this week was to STOP trying to fit into clothes that just don’t fit, stop looking in the mirror, and love every little bit of myself where I am right now. +15lbs heavier. My weight is just my weight, it changes nothing about the girlfriend, sister, daughter, or friend that I am. 

Off to shower then make some breaky.

XO

[yiannalianos]

[yiannalianos]

it's okay to mourn the person you could have been. it's okay to be angry or resentful at that lost potential. it's okay to be sad about it too. but i want you to know that there are so many parts of you, the you that exists right now, that are beautiful and lovely and meaningful. just because your past is lost doesn't mean your future has to be too.

[yiannalianos]

Feeling SO fucking grateful today.

It’s only 6:30am and I woke up feeling grateful. I’m grateful that my body hasn’t given up on me. I’m grateful that I chose recovery NOW at 25 years old, rather than later on in life when it could impact more people (and my future children). I’m grateful that I have the most incredible human as a boyfriend. I could go on for hours about that man, I swear to god. He is the most SPECIAL, smart, driven, supportive, caring, thoughtful.... ugh here come the tears. I just LOVE him with my whole entire being. I’m grateful that my body is gainging weight to protect my organs and to allow me to have babies one day. I’m grateful that the sun is shining. I’m grateful that I had access to have my energy bites this morning. I’m grateful to be alive. Most importantly, I’m grateful for this All In journey because it’s teaching me how to love myself & to choose ME EVERY fucking day. I’m grateful to no longer struggle with an eating disorder. I’m just grateful to see another day. I’m ready for you Tuesday...let’s do this. 

[yiannalianos]

Pasta with meatballs for dinner, chocolate and cashew almond clusters for dessert. HA RECOVERY BABY! All calories are good calories. All food is nourishing to my body. I only had the appetite to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner today so making sure I eat plenty more through this chocolate and nuts. HA recommends eating +2,500 calories a day. That’s HARD when you’re not at all active... but, I love a challenge. Taking it day by day ♥️

[yiannalianos]

Salmon Cesar Salad by the pool today. I used to be so afraid of adding more than 1 fat source to my meals... this salad has 3!!! Salmon, cheese, and dressing. Oh and fried chickpeas. My body is changing, but I keep reminding myself that this is a body that is in the process of healing, and this is temporary.

[yiannalianos]

Just me enjoying the ice cream my love took me out for last night ♥️ he has been the most supportive and I couldn’t get through this without him. All calories are healthy nutritious calories for this healing body of mine. I can’t believe I’ve eaten ice cream 3x in 1 week.... not going to lie, it’s scary but what’s scarier is being unhealthy, infertile, and disordered. Here’s to an official 3 weeks of my all in journey!

[yiannalianos]

ALL IN: “You will get there. But for now, you are here (and here is wonderful)”.

I usually write in my journal every morning, but today I decided to just make a blog post about how I’m feeling. I’m okay... actually, I think I’m good today. I just read another chapter of “No Period, Now What?” and it helped confirm that I’m doing the right thing. I mean, I know I am but sometimes it’s nice to hear the success stories of other women who have gone through the same thing I’m currently going through. I guess today, I’m grieving my old body. The super lean, veiny, muscular body that everyone is do used to. The body that I am used too. For so long my entire identity was wrapped up in this physique. My entire life depended on how lean I was or how I would exercise to achieve that look. As much as this All In journey has been for me to regain my cycle, there is SO much more coming out of it. The self-realizations I’ve had over the last 2 weeks have been intense. The amount of stress and anxiety I would have regarding food, what people thought of me, maintaining that image, and when I���d get in my workout was quite honestly debilitating. Why couldn’t I just have been NORMAL? What’s crazy to me is that now, food gives me NO stress or anxiety. I can go to a friends house for dinner and have her choose what to eat (see below for the delicious meal we made last night), I can allow my boyfriend to choose what to have for dinner, I can say yes to icecream dates, I can eat the SECOND I start to feel a hunger ping, I can order the full fat latte from Starbucks, and I can eat an entire avocado in one day. As much as this process has been difficult, there have been so many blessings that have come from it. I’m so happy I started this process NOW because I can’t imagine still having a disordered relationship with food and exercise when I become a mom. If I did, I would pass those behaviors along to my children and I REFUSE to let them go through what I’ve gone through. It’s crazy because this “healthy eating” dieting, and restricting food groups has become so NORMAL to people now a days... and 8/10 the converastions I have with people revolve around body, weight, or food. I’ve FINALLY taken off my diet culture goggles after 8 years of being a slave to it. One thing I’ve noticed since removing those lenses is how DEEP people are into diet culture. It’s tough because there are many people around me that are STILL focused on their appearance, body, etc... as much as I love those people, in order to fully heal and set boundaries for myself, I have to distance myself and although it may sound selfish, it’s actually self CARE. 

Honestly this process makes me ME so excited. Getting my period is something I can look forward too. OMG the day that it comes, I told my bf that we’re literally having a PP-PARTY. He’s on board- of course. He’s been the most supportive person throughout this entire thing, encouraging me to eat everything, asking me how I feel, telling me I’m beautiful... I mean, what’s a better test than seeing how your boyfriend responds to PURPOSEFUL weight gain??? He keeps reminding me that this is temporary and although 6 months seems like a really long time, in a year from now I’ll be able to FULLY live my life. Workout again, eat in a more moderate way (and never restrict, so treats will definitely still be apart of my everyday life), feel confident as hell in my abilities as a woman and in my body, and the list goes on. The mental STRENGTH it takes for someone like me to go through this process is unheard of. Some days I can’t even believe I’m doing it. But honestly, today... I am SO fucking proud of myself. I have come so far in 1 year it’s almost mind blowing. My mom told me how much she likes being around me now, because I’m funny, full of life, and H A P P Y. What else would my mom want? She doesn’t CARE if her daughter has a six pack, she cares about cooking dinner with her daughter, getting icecream together, sharing laughs, and spending time RELAXING together. And for my dad? Well, dads are dads... but he’s been just as supportive. I’m lucky to have my favoruite people in my corner. 

Today is Saturday so my plan is to finish my coffee (currently sippin, don’t worry I ate before), do a 25-40 minute meditation/restorative yoga flow, shower, curl my hair and make myself FEEL GOOD, and then sit by the pool all day. Luckily I get to see my man tonight and I can’t wait. Life is just so much better when all I have to worry about it relaxing, resting, and nourishing my body. I love this little break... but trust me I can’t WAIT to start training again. One day at a time. 

Talk soon,

Yianna xxxo

[yiannalianos]

ALL IN: May 14th, 2021.

This morning, I put my foot down. I promise myself to NOT speak to myself the way I did all day yesterday. I spent a good portion of the day crying, feeling sorry for myself, hating the way I looked, and apologizing to others for the view. I refuse to spend my summer this way. No, gaining a significant amount of weight, losing the sight of all my hard earned muscle, and eating past fullness (ON PURPOSE) isn’t fun. It’s not. BUT, it’s fucking worth it. You know why? Because when I AM recovered, healed, have a healthy menstrual cycle, and am able to train like a badass again (not as much as before bc that’s what got me into this mess in the first place...), I will be SO fucking strong to have overcomed what 98% of woman fear & this is impossible. I will be able to say: I FUCKING DID THAT. I DID WHAT SO MANY WOMEN CAN’T DO, which is fully recover from an ED, recover from the obsession of looking a certain way or being a certain size, gain an appropriate amount of weight for my body to be fertile, and simply come out the BEST version of myself. I know my story will resonate with so many women. I see it on the daily... the restriction, being a prisoner of your own thoughts, killing your nervous system with hours of intense exercise, I see it all. It’s so sad... and I mean SO sad that even women over the age of 40-50 are STILL trying to lose weight. Look, diets don’t work. It’s been scientifically proven that 95% of all diets fail. Why? Because your body DOESN’T WANT TO STARVE, BE IN A DEFICIT, OR BE SKIN AND BONES. IF they did, our hormones would still function, we wouldn’t lose our hair, our mental health wouldn’t plumit, our relationships wouldn’t suck, our sex drives would be high, and we’d be CONFIDENT. Confident you ask? Yeah. Confident. When you’re struggling with the pursuit of ALWAYS NEEDING TO CHANGE YOUR BODY, you’re never happy. Trust me, at 108lbs soaking wet, with veins running through my six pack and my shoulders ready to burst, I had the WORST self-esteem. Isn’t that crazy how that works? IT didn’t MATTER that I got so many compliments, I was miserable. I wouldn’t allow for ANY deviation in my nutrition or exercise routine, and if I did, the anxiety would be suffocating. After a hard day like yesterday, it’s important for me to rewire my thoughts abou this process. THIS PROCESS IS TEMPORARY, BUT THE THINGS I WILL GAIN FROM IT WILL CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER. THE LIFE OF MY LOVED ONES, FRIENDS, AND FUTURE CHILDREN. So yeah, the cellulite is INCREDIBLY hard to swallow, my bras not fitting doesn’t feel so good, and the acne on my face isn’t helping, but it’s fucking worth it. I will do anything in my power to restore and regain peace within my body and my mind. 

It’s been especially tough dealing with this because we’ve been in lockdown for over 15 months. Going out, exploring, trying new restaurants, and being around friends would be SO helpful in this situation because it would help distract me from my thoughts. It’s tough when I literally LIVE in the middle of a gym (my homegym and room are both in the basement... currently starring at a barbell as I type... LOL) and am surrounded by dieters. What’s keeping me going in the OUTCOME. Whether it’s in 2, 6, 12 months from now, I know that I will be healthier, happier, and the strongest person I know. The strength, courage, and trust in my body that it takes to go through a process like this is unmatched. The exploration of my thoughts, triggers, surroundings, and body are going to be tools I will use to overcome any other challenges I face in life. If people thought I was tough because I could shoulder press 50′s or because I was so diligent with a 6-pack as a result, I can’t wait to see how tough people will think I am after having gone through weight gain in the middle of the summer. This isn’t easy, and it’s really only just begun.

I’m cutting the bullshit with myself TODAY. NO more comparison, no more mental restriction, no more looking in the mirror and feeling sorry for myself, no more spending hours bawling my eyes out, and no more thinking about what the future holds. I promise to myself RIGHT now that I can do this.I will do this. And I will come out WAY fucking stronger than ever before. Here’s to the weekend, and here’s to me. Let’s conquer this thing. 

[yiannalianos]

ALL IN: Food Variety.

Good morning wooooorld! As you know by now, I’m an early riser. One of my favorite things to do now, since I don’t have to workout, is sitting in bed sipping my coffee (don’t worry I ate before-see pic attached!) and blogging on here. This outlet has been so helpful for me to get my thoughts out of my mind and into these entries. Before hopping on my laptop, I journaled for about 25 minutes. I know you’re probably thinking... “first you journal, then you blog here?!”, yes, yes I do. Anyways, the first few thoughts that came up as I was journaling we’re pretty amazing. This all in journey has already taught me SO much about myself, my body, my intuition, my relationships, everything. And it’s only been 10 days!!! I’m so excited to continue pursuing healing from diet culture, restrictive eating patterns, body obsession, and exercise obsession. Those things just DO NOT serve me anymore and I’m becoming more and more okay with it as time passes by and as I continue trusting the process. You want to know what I’ve learned so far, you ask? Well first of all, all food has become totally neutral to me. I was definitely someone who had orthorexia: “Orthorexia is an unhealthy focus on eating in a healthy way. Eating nutritious food is good, but if you have orthorexia, you obsess about it to a degree that can damage your overall well-being.” Although I definitely didn’t start this all-in process dieting or limiting my intake (I was still eating around 2,200-2,300 calories), I would fill most of ALL my plates with way too many veggies, proteins, and carbs. I know it doesn’t sound all that bad, but my REASONING behind why I was focused on adding so many veggies was a fear of becomig ‘unhealthy’ and because I wanted to be FULL from all the fiber because hunger seemed “wrong”. To be honest, I don’t eat nearly as many veggies as I used too. Which is actually for me, a good thing right now because trying to get in 2,500+ calories a day while I’m NOT exercising is pretty damn hard. It’s tough for me to get in snacks because my meals make me feel pretty full. I had a big bowl of pesto gnocchi and chicken for lunch yesterday and it kept me full until 5:30pm... So, this is why, veggies need to be limited (as required in the HA recovery plan). Isn’t it crazy that the “healthier” you try to be, the more unhealthy you actually become? Blew my mind at least! Anyways, back to food neutrality. I’ve been enjoying all the things from cookies, lattes, full fat yogurt, ice cream bars, pasta, cheese, sushi, chocolate, nuts, nut butters, and bagels. By exposing myself to a variety of different foods, they simply don’t seem as appealing as they used to be back when I was dieting. Funny story... I bought some Magnum icecream bars on Monday, left them in my freezer, and totally forgot about them. If I was dieting, I would have NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT bringing that into the house... and if I did, I’d feel the need to have 1 (or all 3) within the first 4 hours. I ended up having one last night after dinner (because I realize I probably didn’t eat 2,500calories throughout the day) and it didn’t even taste good, lol. I don’t even think I’d have it again. It’s absolutely crazy how food just becomes SO neutral when you allow yourself to have it ALL. This journey isn’t just going to help me become my healthiest self physically, but mentally any disordered behaviors that were still lingering in the back of my mind will subside. As much as this journey is for me to heal physically, it’s becoming more to me everyday that it will also completely heal me from ANY past eating disorder thoughts. Honestly... I’m so proud of myself for doing this. 2-3 months ago I could not even fathom the thought of stopping exercise for even 2-3 days... NOW I’m totally embracing the rest and all the free time it’s provided me. I can’t wait to see what else I learn about my body, mny mind, and everything else in between. Thanks for reading and I can’t wait to update you again soon!!!! Off to be GREAT. 

[yiannalianos]

ALL In: Tuesday Thoughts

Good morning....

I woke up feeling anxious this morning. I woke up questioning if what I’m doing is actually “healthy” because for the last 8 years of my life, healthy meant dieting, trying to shrink my body, only eating “clean” foods, and putting my mental health at risk. So, being ALL IN where the goal of health IS to gain weight, to not exercise, to eat icecream frequently (full fat dairy has estrogenic affects that can help a women’s fertility)... it’s quite the opposite of what I’m used to. Nevertheless, I am still trucking along. This process has been humbling already, to say the least. I have so much more free time not only physically but mentally too. I don’t have to think about when or what I’ll workout every day, or question if my food choices are good enough. I simply have to just BE and CHILL. Something I haven’t done since the age of 16... how crazy? 

I’ve been spending a lot of time continuing research on HA, and everytime I listen to a podcast or read an article, it reaffirms that what I’m doing is the right thing. Honestly, it’s comforting to know that thousands of women have gone through what I’m currently going through. But the annoying part??? My doctor called me yesterday with my blood work results and told me my estrogen, progesterone, and prolactin (female reproductive hormones) are all within a healthy range. I’m sorry but HOW IF I HAVEN’T GOTTEN MY PERIOD IN 6 MONTHS???? DUDEEEEE. Doctors are soooo frustrating to me!!! Oh I forgot to mention in my first post “MY STORY” that I’m also a holistic nutritionist and took an entire course on female hormones... so... this doctor can’t fool me. I know that my body isn’t in a healthy state which is why I decided to go all-in. The furstration with the medical field is REAL but I won’t bore you with my thoughts on it. Do your OWN research if you feel like there’s something going on internally, that’s all I can say!

A new change that I’ve had to adjust is eating a meal/snack before coffee in the morning. Let me explain why. Cortisol (stress hormone) is elevated in the morning, it’s what actually wakes us up. Ever wonder why you feel like super woman in the morning or how you have energy to do a fasted workout? That’s why! BUT, having coffee (stimulant that increases cortisol even more) before having food in your stomach can do harm for females, especially those with HA. If you don’t know, I am an EARLYYY riser. I mean 5am early riser. I’m lucky if I get to sleep in until 6am some days. So, the “diet me” used to think: I must wait to eat breakfast when it’s an appropriate time (8:30-9:30am). I never wanted to “waste” my calories. HOW DISORDERED OF ME?! After sleeping/fasting for 8-12 hours, my body needs NOURISHMENT!!! OF ANY KIND!!! So now, whether it’s 5am or 6am, I make sure to eat before my coffee. Usually it’s 2 of my peanut butter oatmeal chocolate power balls, but I ran out this morning so I had a handful of candied pistachios and a banana. *CUE DIET MENTALITY= SO MUCH SUGARRRRRR THAT EARLY IS BAD FOR YOUUU!!!* But nope, my body needs to be able to trust me, and all food is fertility food for me right now. This process has been teaching me sooooo much about my body and I’m honestly so grateful for it (even though the ceullulite and weight gain isn’t my fav).  

I’m off to go do a 60 minute yin yoga (low intensity, gentle stretching practice), and then eat a bagel with peanut butter for breakfast. Which is what you see down below!!! Keep keepin’ on, Yianna. You got this. (My daily mantra...) 

[yiannalianos]

Everything feels uncertain to me right now... but what’s truly important: my health, my relationships/friendships, and my job is what’s  becoming clearer and clearer

Poetic words from Sophia Joan

[yiannalianos]

3, 5, 7, 8, and 9 <3 

[yiannalianos]

Very fitting for my curreny situation

show up for you

[yiannalianos]

ALL IN: Week 1

I decided to stop working out 15 days ago (only yoga and walking) before even considering going all in. But this week was the firsr 7 days in 8 years that I’ve allowed my body to REST. No intense exercise, not even yoga. Not moving or exercising is the complete opposite of what we’ve been taught: to always be moving, working out for ‘x’ amount each day, and ensuring you’re always on the go. So, for me, laying in bed, not sweating through exercise, and just relaxing is a very foregin concept... but honestly, I’m kinda enjoying it??? This week I I loved waking up without the voice in my head saying “go for a walk, go do yoga, make sure you start your day with movement!”. My slow mornings consisted of my homemade energy bites, and my new found obsession: oat milk lattes. Ugh just typing that made me excited to wake up tomorrow morning. I’ve found such peace in the stillness. I know it’s only been 2 weeks without vigorous exercise, but I’m starting to feel like I can do this. Stay posted.... I’m sure in a few weeks I’ll be itching to lift a damn weight again, or even do a hot yoga class but I will NOT LET MY GOAL SLIP AWAY. 

Let’s talk about food, shall we? This week was a BREAK THROUGH week for me and my relationship with food. As you already know, if you read through “My Story PT. 3″, that eating all of the things is what’s required for me to regain my cycle, and to heal my relationship with ALL food. I totally crushed this week. This week I had pizza, sushi, cookies, oat milk lattes (doesn’t sound crazy but I would NEVER “spend” my calories on liquids- lol diet culture FO-PAW), endless amounts of chocolate, and peanut butter. I ate all foods that I truly love. I know it sounds like I indulged a little “too much” but nope. I also had my fair share of fruits, veggies, and whole grains. What’s weird, though, is that the foods that used to be my favorite, I now can’t even stomach the thought of them. Sweet potatoes used to be a daily staple, now... the thought of them kind of grosses me out. It’s crazy how your taste buds change when you finally allow yourself to enjoy ALL THE FOODS you’ve been missing out on from years of falling victim to diet culture. The best thing about eating everything I want, and making sure I am always fully fueled (to show my body that it is safe and not under scarcity) is that food is literally just FOOD now. It’s pleasurable, enjoyable, and delicious. My old mindset of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ foods has subsided SIGNIFICANTLY and it’s only been 7 days.... this makes me so excited to see what the future holds for my relationship with food. I have yet to feel an OUNCE of guilt for eating chocolate, cookies, pizza, or anything else. That is the best feeling EVER. 

Overall, I’m so proud of where I am in week 1. Who knows how long this process will take, but I promised myself, my bestie, and my man that no matter how long it takes, no matter how much weight gain it takes for my body to feel safe again, I WILL get my period back. So, here’s to week 1 of being a badass recovery warrior. Talk soon! XO