#you might think this is just some abled/neurotypical people shit

[growling]

Hey. I'm saying this very gently in my friendliest tone. Some people (namely mentally, developmentally and intellectually disabled people) are just straight up not able to understand politics, and that's perfectly okay and not a moral issue on their part, so don't treat it like it is.

Some people may need you to explain it to them in a very simplified, easy to understand way so they can maybe get it, some people just won't be able to understand no matter how you word it and I need you to not blow up at them for it and think they're being "willingly obtuse and ignorant of the world they're living in" or whatever. Politics is a very complex and nuanced thing that nearly everybody is gonna explain differently and have wildly different opinions on what some words or stances actually mean or should mean. And some of us just simply can't deal with that and cannot be made to do so with just the right arguments and definitions.

I'm autistic (+ my schizophrenia makes my thinking very disorganized and sometimes incomprehensible which adds to that too) and I have a LOT of difficulty with understanding and learning these kinds of very complex and nuanced discussions, and a lot of the time I'm just not able to. And that's fine and doesn't make me stupid or not putting in enough effort or imply I'm "looking away" from all the problems in society. Can some of yall stop trying to make us feel guilty or even evil for not engaging in things we are not able to grasp well or at all

[homiro]

Directly messaging people demanding money that they don't have and calling them names is really not the way to get money. I stand with your people, but I don't have money for starters, and besides having Americans on this website saying my life is worthless which yes I agree, I don't need campaigners coming at me calling "friend" and then "shameful" and acting like I'm awful just because I don't have money like. Maybe consider that people can't donate and have already donated what they could. There are many campaigns, I'm sorry yours isn't getting traction, but calling people names really won't help your case, I don't think. And don't even start with the whole they don't speak the language thing, the sentiment was very clear even if it was a translation. Guess it's back to fucking chat closed as well because between being called a fag for no reason and being called a shameful asshole for being broke, I think being called a fag is pretty chill actually.

[impactrueno]

(From Twitter) I think ppl still have a right to be more comfortable with Musical BJ and or Toon BJ than with Movie BJ. No one is trying to say that either Beetlejuice is a good person. We know they’re all bad. Some ppl are just more comfortable with one than the other and that’s just their preference.

And while you said the green card thing didn’t originate in the musical it still rubs me the wrong way that movie BJ stalked and obsessed over Lydia all the way into her adulthood as she grew up when he maybe could have just found another ADULT woman to get the green card.

Most of us find more comfor in musical BJ and or Toon BJ because they both seem more relatable and we are able to see ourselves within them. Especially musical BJ. A lot of ppl relate to and find comfort musical BJ because he struggles with similar issues we do.

Those being mommy/daddy issues, depression, anxiety, being neurodivergent,

(it’s not necessarily canon explicitly within the musical but let’s be honest there is no neurotypical explanation for musical BJ’s mannerisms/behaviors/pos)

abandonment issues/extreme fear of abandonment and being alone, and just wanting to be/feel loved and desired by someone after feeling invisible, othered, ostracized, unloved, and unseen by everyone around you, including by the ppl who are supposed to love and care about you and accept you and your flaws. And I think the same could maybe even be said for toon BJ too tho I’m still in the process of watching the cartoon and i didn’t get to certain episodes yet tho I have seen clips.(not to mention him and Lydia being BFFs)

Most ppl agree that musical BJ SA’ing Adam and Barbara plus wanting to marry Lydia, and killing ppl cuz of things not going his way was not a good thing.

Ppl just feel more comfortable with the fact that musical BJ at least wasn’t attracted to Lydia in that way and viewed her as just a friend/pal. Again HE STILL SHOULDNT HAVE DONE IT EITHER WAY but I just hope you understand what I’m trying to say .

While it most likely wasn’t your intent, your most recent thread about you talking about ppl thinking that musical BJ was better than movie BJ kinda came off as you talking down to the ppl who find more comfort in/are more comfortable with musical BJ than they do with movie BJ.

Majority of us aren’t necessarily trying to say that musical BJ is a good person. We just think he’s misunderstood in some areas. Both things can be true. I rlly hope i wasn’t coming off as rude in this message. I just think you could maybe try and see it from another perspective, you know?

i responded on twitter but i'll do it here as well just to make sure (the posts this person is referring to are here and here)

i want to apologize for coming off like i was talking people down. it was not my intent but i can definitely see why it comes off that way.

frankly? i totally get you! cuz i'm the same. i find musical and cartoon bj very comforting and relatable, more so cartoon bj. i know it might not seem like it because i'm always giving him shit lol but beetlejuice (in general) is my absolute favorite character of anything ever.

if you see my replies to ppl when talking about musical bj you'll find that despite what i said in the thread, i completely understand WHY people are more comfortable with him. he's designed to be that way, you ARE supposed to sympathize with him, there's nothing wrong with that!

movie bj is absolutely supposed to rub you the wrong way, even when he's not doing anything. he's an unsettling presence. *this* bj is designed to make you feel creeped out, not sympathize with him like musical bj. this is undeniable

i guess i made that thread as a way to compare the two, how despite everything musical bj did fans are completely endeared to him and why that is. never meant to talk anyone down. hell, i would be talking MYSELF down if that were the case 😭

another thing i should add; i've been getting a lot...a LOOOT of comments recently on my beetlejuice comics so i've been getting a clear view of how people tend to look at one bj or the other, and i often comment on that because fandom sociology is interesting i guess? i'm a nerd

LASTLY (sorry this got long)

a lot of my tweets are my unfiltered stream of consciousness and me talking to myself 💀 and sometimes i don't realize how it might come off to other people. i just yap a lot when i'm doing character studies and i'm subjecting you guys (my twitter followers not here on tumblr) to it SORRY

[xiexiecaptain]

The biggest thing I've learned to help manage my ADHD in regards to getting things done is to Follow Those Impulses

(I'm not saying this will work for or is even a good strategy for everyone, but in my own situation it's helped me.)

I'm like allergic to consistency in schedule and cannot enforce one on myself so all it leads to is self-loathing and failure. Trust me, I've been attempting to will-power, shame-fuel my way through it since I was a preteen (I'm currently almost 30.) It does not work for me.

Obviously medication can give me a huge leg up on stuff. But beyond a certain point my brain is simply not wired for long-term sustained consistency.

As in many of my issues, I've found that working with myself gets better results than fighting myself.

When I follow those sudden impulses of interest and motivation, I get things done.

To the outside, I look absolutely haphazard. I'll pause a show I'm watching mid-sentence, stand up, and go empty the dishwasher because my mood/brain/chemicals *ping*ed that it was suddenly do-able and not a huge overwhelming task. Or I'll be putting away laundry and that *ping* will go off and I'll spend three hours re-organizing my closet.

To a neurotypical, this looks like distracted and disorganized behavior.

To me, it's following the way my brain naturally works in order to accomplish tasks.

My ADHD manifests in that I experience very small and unsustainable windows of motivation and interest. So when I feel that window crack open, doing the Thing right then (when the situation enables me to) can mean the Thing actually happens. Even if it's not the thing I'm "supposed" to be doing.

With a neurotypical in that situation, they might be putting away clothes and think: "Oh, I should organize my closet. I have time this weekend, I'll do it then," finish putting away their clothes, and then organize the closet when they had free time that weekend.

I used to try to do things that way too. Because it was how I was taught that "responsible, real people" did it, and had "finish one thing before you start another" drilled into my head. But I'm literally not wired to work that way. And I've been working on undoing that internalized ableism of believing one way of doing things is better and I need to change to adhere to it. I don't and shouldn't be expected to to my own detriment.

For me with the closet example, the weekend would come and I would spend 5 hours screaming at myself to stop working on whatever did have my interest in order to go organize the closet. Sometimes I might ended up doing it. More often, I would not be able get myself to do it even after all that. I would just sit there, yelling at myself, hating myself despite my brain literally not having the chemicals to initiate the activity (let alone follow through) and nothing would get done. Not even the thing I wanted to focus on instead.

The only thing I did accomplish was hating myself for not being able to do "simple" things like other people (read: neurotypicals.)

This is basically how I spent the majority of my schooling; doing simple tasks felt like running in sand. And I internalized all the messages that told me it was my own fault I couldn't run as fast and in as straight a line as those running on pavement.

The past few years, I've been trying to follow impulses more. And its honestly been really helpful.

I get more done even if it isn't a "consistent" amount or I can't always count on having a specific thing done by a certain date.

But the big thing is that I spend less time hating myself for not doing what I "should" be and more time actually doing things when I have the motivation for them. More shit happens, I'm undoing some of that self-loathing.

tl;dr: My advice for fellow adult ADHD-ers is:

Try to learn what your natural rhythms are and, where possible, try leaning into them. Without judgement, try working with your natural tendencies rather than battling them at every moment. See how it feels, see what you accomplish (and not just in the capitalistic "productivity" way--spending 3 hours hyperfocusing on researching the history of wheat germ counts!) See how your brain and body feel.

Your brain is wired different, let yourself operate different.

[gunkbaby]

Thinking about Shuu BPD headcanon again. He’s 21 in TG, and given his loneliness I think it’s fair to assume Kaneki was his first favourite person. Like I acted very similar to Shuu when I had my first favourite person - including when the ‘relationship’ (i wouldn’t call what i went through a relationship personally. It was an internet mutual lol) ended, it went on to affect me for several years, to today, mentally and physically.

I get sad when I think about it, because I don’t like thinking about Shuu going through or feeling what I have - that horrible moment where you look back on your experience with someone, and you can only feel guilt, because you can see now that all you acted so inappropriately. Being overly clingy - dependent - on someone you barely know - because Shuu doesn’t know Kaneki in TG. Not deeply. He’s still in the moment of only wanting to eat him, everything he learns is compartmentalised as knowledge to use as manipulation and such. So his breakdown when Kaneki is taken away from him is a shock to his system - because this is the point where maybe one realises that this is not just about wanting him to eat anymore. It’s indicative of Shuu feeling something more for someone, which he’s probably never had before, and one can imagine how it might feel to realise - oh. I really fucked this person I adore up, because I didn’t understand myself well enough. And that shit hurts man.

Whilst a neurotypical person might be able to look at this realisation and handle it better, for someone with BPD/neurodivergence, this can affect one’s mental and physical health for years afterwards. A known symptom of BPD is not being able to recover ‘typically’ from breakups (meeeeeeeeeeeeee), often leading to self-harm, depression, and such, as well as taking a much longer time to actually recover from the breakup (generally. Ofc not everyone has it like this).

This also explains why in :RE, Shuu is seemingly just as obsessed with Kaneki - because he can’t fucking let go of it. He goes out of his way to ‘get Kaneki back’ for his own benefit, and I wonder if maybe, Shuu wants that Kaneki back so he can right his past wrongs. His newer awareness of his past actions weighs on him, and he wants to show that version of Kaneki that he has changed, that he’s not like That anymore - but he is, in a way. He’s still ill, and this is never brought up. Shuu gets better throughout :re, but we never see how, and either man’s on Elvanse or something, or he’s actively making an effort to restrain the ‘BPD side’ of him. I compare having BPD to having a dog on a muzzle - controlling it is horrible and it’s difficult, but if you don’t, the muzzle comes off and your dog is going to maul someone. Having BPD can be really terrifying sometimes - note: people with BPD are not monsters and if I see one more person say Shuu’s feelings are ‘creepy’ istg—

In early :re, Shuu’s actions can be viewed an overcompensating - trying to fix the damage he feels he might’ve done to Kaneki. He wants Kaneki back for himself, but not to eat him, to show Kaneki that he’s not the person he was. That he’s changed - but he hasn’t. He’s become self-aware, but this isn’t enough to change someone. Shuu still doesn’t understand that. He’s like a beautiful butterfly in that stage where the chrysalis is clear and starting to shake, but the butterfly isn’t out yet, and when it is out, it still has to wait for its wings to dry. Shuu is impulsive, and fails to properly think things out especially in a social situation (another symptom of bpd is impulsivity, particularly in regards to self-destruction). So he’s bombastic in rushing in and trying to get that Kaneki back, even if he doesn’t exist, and we can argue that this brazenness, this impulsivity, goes on to foster more destruction.

Therefore, it becomes even more weird that Shuu seems to recover after Kanae’s death in particular, because I feel like Shuu was already grappling with some guilt in regards to his past self. Kaneki throwing Shuu from the rooftop is met with Shuu’s acceptance of it - it’s a passive kind of suicidality. What better repentance is there - what is the best way to say sorry - than letting the person you hurt kill you? I know I’ve attempted or hurt myself in attempt to repent and say sorry for the people I’ve hurt, (I even became Christian, briefly!) But Shuu isn’t killed. Kanae is, and directly because they save him. Shuu’s love for Kanae is evident by this point, so one has to question how someone who already seemed to be passively suicidal, who presumably held a quite a hefty amount of self-loathing - would be able to recover from someone they love dying specifically to save them. Shuu tells Kanae to save themself (in my translation), he seemed passive in the prospect of Kaneki killing him, so this turn of events should be absolutely fucking devastating to him.

His entire family, bar one person, were killed to protect him. People gave up their lives, for him - a person who was extremely mentally unwell. Shuu is egotistical, arrogant, and selfish, but too often I see people conflate this with narcissism or self-love - narcissists don’t even tend to love themselves, it seems the opposite (I am not well-versed in npd pls correct me). I don’t think Shuu likes himself, particularly in :re. I’m honestly surprised he survived through :re sometimes, because I feel like the events of the Tsukiyama extermination would eventually kill someone who was already mentally unstable.

But after the Tsukiyama arc, there is very little acknowledgement of Shuu’s mental state. It’s like, oh, he’s fine now. Kanae isn’t even mentioned again, (I think), and it’s really weird. One can argue Shuu is just pretending to be fine, maybe Kaneki being back is enough to shift his focus from those events back to his favourite person - but that’s not mentally healthy. That’s not recovery. You can argue that maybe he learnt to cope, did DBT or whatever, but I doubt he would’ve had time for that in :re? Iirc it was kind of busy, I mean…Man got fired from like 4 jobs after losing his family - self-worth must’ve been in the shitter fr

Shuu is supposedly better by :re and the end of :re, but I can’t fucking buy that. Maybe I’m projecting too much, but I still haven’t recovered from my favourite person and it’ been three fucking years, and I have a parent who is willing to literally die for me, and it feels like shit. These things don’t just go away. They condense, and they stay. It’s like the dog won’t die unless you do, and even then, the pain stays.

I’m off track - the point is. I don’t like it. I get narrative time and that - Shuu isn’t the main character, but still. TG has so much depth and nuance in its characters and I wish more work had been put into Shuu post-Tsukiyama arc. (I also wish Kanae hadn’t died but fuck my stupid Baka life i guess)

I can’t help but feel like Shuu was ill at the start of Tokyo Ghoul, got even iller. And by the end of :re, he’s still very much ill.

sorry if this doesn’t make sense I cried halfway through and im tired

[hesitantvampirealien]

i need to make a one time exception to what i said about no longer venting because this is directly related to the content i post here.

i really need to talk about my feelings regarding the mcr fandom... i seriously need to talk about this right now, or I'll just explode and end up doing something worse that I might regret later.

and before you read it, i must make it clear that I'm not holding anything back and in some moments i will unavoidably come across as mean and rude, but none of it is directed to a specific person, i don't make ANY descriptions of any particular person or blog that annoyed me, everything is entirely "/nbh" and my thoughts might, and probably will change after i finally just put all of this weight off my shoulders. I just need to unbottle this for a second. Don't take any of it to heart, reinforcing that i just... really need this out of me

Probably i won't even remember saying any of this, or I'll just delete it

>> /nbh <<

i wanna start off by saying that this is (mostly) unrelated to the ticket occurrence so you stay fucking quiet because i know your unloved pedant ass was gonna bring this shit up as if it was the main reason why I'm saying all of this. And no, this is - probably for your disappointment - not a text saying the 4 of them are awful people who should die like you were most probably hoping it was

i admit that I've considered leaving the MCR fandom for a while. I'm trying to gaslight myself into staying because it's the thing that saved me and i want to show my love for it, and i know that if i left I wouldn't have anyone to talk to about it.

Do you know how fucking shitty it feels to feel like you're the only person that doesn't absolutely despise something... while in the middle of the fandom for this same thing??

And for a while i wanted to feel like it was a loving and caring community. But if i was to allow myself to not lie to myself for one second. It fucking sucks here. And i know it's probably because, truth be told, this website is just mass produced suicide but nobody gives a shit, i end up hating more than half of the interactions i have, i hate that most of the people i talk to feel like they can't express their real thoughts out of fear of idk fucking being ostracized over stupid shit, i hate that everything becomes a weapon to be used against you, i hate that i try hard to be loving and yet all i get is more and more fuel to hate people, all while i get told that if i hate people I'm evil and a loser.

And to be honest, i think it's quite cruel for you to lie to me and tell me that you'd want me alive when you make sure to make me feel like being alive is a fucking punishment and enjoying the thing that made me want to stay alive is immoral

so i don't fucking know, call me some fucking apologist because I'm not out here saying G should've killed themself for doing shit like simply doing silly on-stage jokes with their brother or not being a perfectly stable and neurotypical conventional person writing cute fluffy stories or not being the person YOU wanted them to be i guess.

i think that's all. Hopefully that's all, i feel like i just puked out an entire week's meals saying this. Probably in like 5 minutes I'll feel better and no longer think about leaving. I just really needed to take this weight out of me, i wasn't being able to think properly anymore by continuing to bottle all of this up. Thank you for letting me talk about it, even if it goes against the thing i said I'd do, where I said i wouldn't vent anymore. This is still a one time thing though

[justanotherboringwriter]

Uhhh since u guys liked my jimcurly stuff n I'm getting back into Mouthwashing (+am probably forming a Curly fictive) here’s sum random stuff!!!! Also ig stars will be an omnipresent figure in my jimcurly works and Daisuke’s here cuz my Daisuke fictive wants 2 b included so everybody say hi to Daisuke!!!!! :3 also might add onto this later idk

╰┈➤ Gender, sexuality, ethnicity, & style hc’s

˙⋆✮ Grant Curly

જ⁀➴ cisboy, he/him.

જ⁀➴ Had a crush on a girl named Jill but really only when she wore her tomboy clothing and thought he was bicurious and would get over it and just be heterosexual. Anyways, Jill is now Jimmy. Achillean, gay, poly.

જ⁀➴ Scottish. People think he’s from Utah or smth cuz he looks white asf lmfaoooo

જ⁀➴ have u seen his in-game fit? White asf. Cowboy. Other than that, he has kilts.

˙⋆✮ Jimmy Zare

જ⁀➴ transboy, he/him with a secret side of it/zi/xe and horror themed neopronouns.

જ⁀➴ not really any changes in sexuality??? Just gender made him go from heterosexual to gay. Yeah, not much here. Achillean, gay, poly.

જ⁀➴ american, mistaken for Slavic

જ⁀➴ unintentional Y2K grunge with a side of cigarette Lana del Ray iykyk

˙⋆✮ Daisuke Juarez

જ⁀➴ transboy, he/it/zi/xe.

જ⁀➴ gay poly all da way >:3

જ⁀➴ Mexican-Japanese.

જ⁀➴ Y2K grunge but has to try unlike Jimmy. Family calls him a cholo which ig yeah cuz cholo is Mexican slang for both gangster and person who is partially Mexican.

╰┈➤ Neurodivergent/disability hc’s

˙⋆✮ Grant Curly

જ⁀➴ neurotypical. Probably a stress disorder.

જ⁀➴ low spoon, got worse with age.

˙⋆✮ Jimmy Zare

જ⁀➴ paranoid schizophrenic, depressed, probably NPD, low empathy, self harming tendencies + history of suicide attempts, alcoholism, and drug use. Probably plural from trauma :(

જ⁀➴ low spoon + chronic pain.

˙⋆✮ Daisuke Juarez

જ⁀➴ adhd, autism, depression, low empathy. Also possibly plural??? Definitely 1-3 Protogenic/ endogenic headmates then he decided to make more. History of SH (cutting + hitting).

જ⁀➴ low spoon, random body pains + gets random bruises, scrapes, etc., due to sensitive skin.

╰┈➤ Alterhuman hc’s

˙⋆✮ Grant Curly

જ⁀➴ huh

જ⁀➴ thought everybody just identified as some kind of creature as a child bc kids are just like that yk. doing his best to support his partners 🙂👍🏻

જ⁀➴ won’t admit it but likes it when they go full animal, especially during freaky time!!!!!

˙⋆✮ Jimmy Zare

જ⁀➴ wild wolf therian 100% probably also dragonkin. Both came from trauma, a desire to be able to protect himself, a desire to be free, and wanting to not feel like a vulnerable animal anymore.

જ⁀➴ will make a den and hoard stuff + scent his clothes then make Curly or Daisuke wear it/just scent their clothes.

જ⁀➴ yk damn well this mf goes feral during freaky times. Biting, drooling, growling, rutting. He bites the back of their necks type shit.

˙⋆✮ Daisuke Juarez

જ⁀➴ ouppy!!!!!!! :3

જ⁀➴ loves being spoiled + treated like a puppy. Sitting on laps, wearing clothes too big for him, wearing a collar + ears n tail. “How’s my puppy?”, “Have you been good for daddy?”, etc, he LOVES that shit.

જ⁀➴ bottom!!!!!! Doesn’t help that he’s muscular but Jimmy n Curly are much MORE muscular + stronger

[sharpth1ng]

When do you think Billy realizes he's autistic? do you think he would actually get a formal diagnosis?

This goes one of two ways imo.

1. Billy gets a formal diagnosis young because he’s an obvious autistic kid

This one is more likely if Billy is cis, because it’s a lot easier for AMAB kids to get diagnosed than it is for AFAB kids, especially in the 80’s when he would have been a kid. Also, an autism diagnosis would have made it a lot harder for him to access transition (which is a stupid but unfortunate reality).

In this case I think Nancy is just an attentive mother and notices some places Billy is struggling so she brings him for assessment. It’s the 80s/90s and the internet doesn’t exist the way it does now, so Billy might know he’s autistic but he probably wouldn’t be open about that or have the kind of language to describe his experience that we have now- meltdowns, sensory overload, ect.

Those are concepts that come from autistic communities because historically diagnosticians have been neurotypical and tend to label us based on where they are “deficits” so the language is more like “social difficulties and restricted interests and patterns of behaviour” (never mind the fact that many of us have restricted patterns of behaviour because we are avoiding sensory triggers- that’s a conversation for another day).

In this version he grows up knowing he’s autistic but all the information he gets about it is from neurotypicals and is framed in that “but you can overcome it and be totally normal” kind of way which can be really easy to internalize if you don’t have contact with other autistic folk. If you’re capable of masking at all, people start going “well I couldn’t tell!” like it’s a compliment, which just feels patronizing as hell, but you only realize it’s patronizing when you’re exposed to the idea that “normal” is both a deeply biased concept and also not something that exists objectively. It turns your identity as an autistic person into something that should be hidden which sucks. Dude doesn’t need more shit to hide.

2. Billy doesn’t get a formal diagnosis and doesn’t consider himself autistic until adulthood

This version is more likely with trans Billy for the reasons listed above. This one also hinges on the fact that he’s growing up in the 80s, when there is significantly less widespread knowledge about autism.

In my family I am the only person with a formal diagnosis, and the other family members I have who I believe are also autistic are much older and they just got treated as “weird, sensitive”. I don’t think they considered diagnosis because they were able to survive despite having some really obvious difficulties that could have been dealt with or accommodated if they had considered themselves autistic.

I think given when he grew up this could easily have been Billy’s experience, and again, with no internet he wouldn’t have access to those concepts or that language until much later in life. It would have been “he’s just standoffish and really into movies” rather than “he struggles with neurotypical social expectations and he has a special interest in movies.”

Anyways this was a long, ramble answer, hopefully it makes sense!

[fenmere]

Just what is burnout?

Something that really irritates us and troubles us about discussions of burnout is that there are different kinds and levels of burnout, and everyone is always talking about their own without specifying what it is. And that gets confusing. There's professional burnout, where you lose your ability to be creative and make decisions at a given job or task. This might happen outside of employment, but it's kinda rare. We could just call it artistic burnout for that, though. But what happens is that you work too hard at this one thing and then your brain just can't do it anymore for a while.

It might effect the rest of your life in other ways, but mostly, you just really need to move onto something else for a while.

This has happened to us regarding art, for instance, and switching to writing allowed us to continue being productive and seeking nice brain chemicals.

Then there's systemic burnout, which is usually called autistic burnout, but it can happen to people with ADHD, and we think it can happen to anybody. It just happens to autistic people and people with ADHD more because we tend to overload faster, and we have more social and sensory demands on us constantly that most other people don't experience. And maybe it's the same mechanism as professional/artistic burnout, but it happens to your whole damn mind and body.

When it hits, you might not even be able to dress yourself in the morning. It can vary.

And both types of burnout happen on a spectrum of length and severity.

Some people talk about burnout that means they have to rest for a couple of hours. Like a daily limit. We don't consider that burnout, honestly. It's more like a brown out, or just a loss of that days spoons. It's a warning sign for longer burnout. If you keep hitting it, it's gonna get way worse.

But, a lot of people call it burnout, and we can't stop them.

Then there's burnout that lasts a few days. That's more like something we'd call burnout, but, we gotta tell you this, it's still really just a warning sign.

Like, your life and career can bounce back from that. You can call in, rest, and then get back to it.

But, if you keep hitting that wall and keep going back to your usual grind, it's gonna get worse.

Then you'll see a few autistics talking about burnout that lasts a couple weeks to a few months. There you're getting into dangerous territory. That can get you fired from a job, maybe even end your career. It can definitely put you in financial dire straights. But you might still be able to take a two week vacation and hobble back to what you were doing.

Then there's what we got: Burnout that lasts years, or is maybe permanent.

We hit systemic burnout in 2012, but we didn't know what was going on and we kept trying to push through it at half pace until 2014, after which we became permanently disabled. And we started having regular meltdowns and picked up involuntary stimming habits we never had before.

And we're still in it.

Unmasking and crying for help, finding a place where we could live with most of the accommodations we needed, all helped us to recover some of our previous function. And we also now know better never to try to act neurotypical again. But even if we tried, we could not possibly perform like we used to.

Part of our permanent disability is that we've also developed a number of chronic illnesses. More than one. They were actually already there, growing since childhood, but they got much, much worse from the stress.

But our burnout itself shows itself in lower thresholds for all tolerances, emotions, senses, everything. And a frequent blank mind most days.

And we're really starting to feel like it's pretty important that people learn to recognize these different types and levels, because a lot of the time they'll write shit like, "Burnout is like [this]. [This] is what happens during burnout." And they'll inevitably be describing something way more mild than what can actually happen, and they'll make it sound definitive.

And that's not doing anybody any good.

[saltymcsaltything]

TIL that the K-12 Special Education version of "Active Listening" is called "Whole Body Listening" and it is just as fucking ableist

*CW/TW: Suicidal ideation*

Credit to the article "What's The Problem With Whole Body Listening?" at Parenting Autistic Children With Love & Acceptance (PACLA) -

https://autloveaccept.wordpress.com/2015/03/25/whats-the-problem-with-whole-body-listening/comment-page-1/?fbclid=IwAR0DsNa_wqcCUuz2PbbQARqipQvZkbdJkun346V-SqnExGn0fm4zPyX2j5s

Spoiler alert: I fucking hate active listening and it's neuronormative "body language" and nonverbal communication. Those expectations in the workplace are disabling. I won't shut up about it anytime I see some bullshit workplace training with "Eye contact, warm smile, fork handshake, open posture" and all the usual bullshit. If I am doing all of that *I am not listening effectively* because I can't fake normal for your benefit and process the words you are saying at the same time. Hell, I am lucky if I understand your jargony, vague, vapid workplace patter even when I am not busy pretending to be normal so as not to be treated like bullshit.

Unsurprisingly, but infuriatingly, the education system pushes the same compliance-based normative agenda for the comfort of neurotypicals, even though evidence shows that coercing autistic people into masking behaviors leads to long term harm including suicide. I've been in that place where I have been pushed well past my capacity to mask and was hovering on that precipice because of violence I experienced in the workplace - I reached a point where I did not see a way to survive if it continuer and an escape plan where I at least could stop the pain felt necessary. I was lucky I was able to hang on long enough to get help and wasn't pushed any further before I started to slowly recover.

So apparently, Special Education classrooms have *this little fucker* saying "for everyone else's benefit, please hurt yourself in the following ways to show you're listening!"

Hey Larry! You're a garbage ass little bootlicker! Tell the ableist shitstains that created you and shill their harmful "Social Skills" training that hurts autistic kids that I hope they hammer car splat.

It's Active Listening with bright colors and a cartoon bully.

And half of this shit doesn't even make sense. If I am faking normal by focusing on the first 6 things on Larry's checklist of self-abuse, I don't have the capacity for the last two.

Also, you have to actually care about my needs for me to care about what you're saying. If you've proven that you don't by expecting me to behave in a way that hurts me and impede my ability to communicate, then frankly, I don't give a shit about anything you say beyond comprehending enough for me to protect myself from you.

The article linked above skewers Larry brilliantly and is definitely worth a read, but I wanted to share their edited poster here because I think it might be useful. I am open about my autism and assorted co-occuring conditions at work and I want this hanging in my workspace - I will have to edit in "Active Listening" to match the workplace version, but I am hoping it will ruffle some feathers. And I am more than happy to tell anyone who thinks Active Listening is somehow an appropriate thing to force onto people in the workplace just how harmful it and other normative expectations couched as "communication skills" really are.

tl;dr - Fuck Active/Whole Body Listening

[spellscarred]

Self Dx are not real. Do not encourage this. Especially as a mental health professional you call yourself. Encourage people to go get a proper evaluation and diagnosis. Anyone can self Dx themselves with anything, it’s completely invalid to self dx and offensive to those who have been through the actual process of it.

Alright, as a mental health professional I completely disagree with you, for several reasons.

First of all, it's very classist of you to make this claim. Sincerely. There are plenty of people who can't get a professional diagnosis, because it costs a lot of money. It's great if you're in the position to get diagnosis or long-term therapy, but there's a lot of people who aren't financially capable of sustaining or affording this.

Second, professionals know near to nothing about autism in practice, and I was misdiagnosed for years, even after doing an "autism test" during my diagnostic evaluation, and I did CBT for a while before the psychologist concluded that it wasn't working, and then I finally got my autism diagnosis. After that, they dumped me because there was nothing more they could do for me aside from, "oh, I guess read some stuff about it?" In my professional life, this is a reoccurring theme, where I have to tell people what autism is and isn't. The DSM-V criteria is, while better than its previous iterations, incredibly flawed and stereotyped, and that's me being very generous — and this criteria is all most professionals know about autism.

Third, the only time an autism diagnosis will help you is for getting the accommodations you might need, such as additional help in school or disability welfare from the government. In all other instances it might actually harm you because we live in an incredibly ableist society that will punish you for not being productive to able-bodied or neurotypical standards. There's also the little fact that actual professionals won't give you a diagnosis, not because you might not have a neurodevelopmental "disorder" (see: autism or ADHD), but because the diagnosis in your situation will do you more harm than good! From this ask, I assume you don't even know that's a thing.

Fourth, please don't state your opinions as facts. You think it's invaliditing and offensive. I certainly don't. If viewing their experiences in an autistic light gets people to better balance and compassion towards themselves in their life, I'm all for it. Yes, even if it turns out, in the end, that it's not autism after all, but a secret third thing.

— Fun fact, back in ye olden days (70s and back), the autistic and psychotic communities were inextricably connected, because autistic kids weren't diagnosed as autistic, but as "childhood onset schizophrenic". To the professional mental health community, we were all considered schizophrenic, because of the lack of knowledge and understanding, and the big overlap between autistic symptoms and negative psychotic symptoms. Someone self-dxing (usually not in a whim either) as autistic might not be autistic, but they might be psychotic or another form of neurodivergent. I refuse to pull support for people who clearly need it just because they framed their experiences under a "wrong label". Psychology is fucking complex but people needing support really isn't.

Surprise surprise, it's so much more important to me that people get the help and support they need than the purity of labels, especially where something like autism is concerned. And I say this as a mental health professional professionally diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder for 13 years now. You know, since that is part of your validity criteria.

An autism diagnosis doesn't really do shit in practice. The community can help each other so much better than any mental health professional can, and I will help people, with everything I know and have learned and will continue to learn, with or without your approval.

[bonnie-is-bumbling]

"I'm not trying to steal the spotlight. I'm just neurodivergent and trying to relate to you."

My friend and I were in Discord, having a discussion, and this came up. I thought it was a worthwhile point to spread.

See, before diagnosis, I had been through the wringer over this. The most memorable was a lady in Second Life, who told me I was only stealing the spotlight and not responding to her, just continuing on my own stories.

Me? I was confused. And I truly felt awful when she told me how it made her feel. I apologized, but it was not accepted.

I was told that I was just saying that, and being told to prove I was sorry.

It was maybe a year ago, possibly two. I don't even remember her name. But I do remember how I felt. I remember it clear as day. (I actually sometimes gripe at myself for hanging onto it. My brain clearly didn't get the memo that it's waaaay done and over with.)

I felt like a horrible piece of subhuman shite. I called myself a narcissist, and went into a full panic and upset, I told everyone to block me for their own safety, I changed my username, profile, everything to just call myself a big nope and warn people away. I know- overreact, much?

I couldn't afford a diagnosis, I had been told I was Neurotypical and just 'Unique' my whole life. But it still makes me walk on eggshells. And I mean I do it with everyone. Even those I love.

The Second Life lady was by far not the only time online, or in person that I had this experience and it b r o k e me. The way I try to conduct myself is that I try to extend kindness. And to be a spotlight thief is unkind. So that must mean I am unkind?... That's how I took it. That I was lying to myself, that I was cruel, inconsiderate, a narcissist, an asshole, a manipulative piece of shit. And that's so bloody toxic to myself, and inadvertently, others.

I wanted, not to die, but to cease my existence, so nobody would have ever been hurt by me in the past, present, or future. I struggled, and still do. I still lay down like a doormat so I don't offend the people who, in all reality, would be fine if I put in my opinion or thoughts. Because my mind, even after dx, still worries about crushing the one eggshell that sends the other person into upset, caused by me. Even when I'm not the guilty party, I will still feel guilt over an upset and try to fix it.

I'm aware this isn't great, but today, it's leaps and bounds away from where I was. I've actually been able to stand up for myself some, or brush some things off. At least consciously. My self-talk has improved. I try not to rely 9n my diagnosis, but when I feel it's necessary, I will inform my partner in conversation. It doesn't always get through to them, but... After that, I can much more easily accept if it just goes awry. I do fight with myself, and have to try so hard not to label myself so horribly right away. Healing is NOT easy.

Those of us who can't afford official diagnosis, or can't access it. We're in pain and we don't know what's going on. If you see someone seeming to steal the spotlight, please don't accuse them of doing so to belittle you right away.

Look at what they're saying or why they might be saying it. Give them the same opportunity you would want. I didn't mean to be a jerk and steal the spotlight when I was accused. I know that for a fact. I thought we were making conversation, truly and honestly, and the accusations hit like a bullet to the general view of myself.

Those of us without diagnosis, please don't think of yourself as I did of myself. Look into what you truly intended, and try not to bully yourself over it. It feels horrible, especially when you don't know why it's happening, and why you're 'like this'. Your mental health, no matter your condition; no matter of your diagnosis status, does not deserve the hurt. If you meant well and were accused of being cruel, you still meant well. Hold onto that knowledge. Correct what you feel you need to. Take responsibility, but just don't beat yourself up like I did!

You've got this, and even if you don't have a diagnosis, or can't get one, know you're still valid in how you feel, function, and think.

I'm still practicing this myself, but...

Have patience with yourself. You're doin' ya best! ♡

[nautilusopus]

while i’m giving writing advice i may as well touch on my actual least favourite thing to see ever: 

past the age where they’re basically just fat flightless parrots (scream for attention, capable of mimicking speech, no real concept of good and evil, just barely clever enough to utilise all three of these to get food and love), kids are just extremely sheltered adults with little to no emotional regulation skills, or impulse control. younger children also won’t fully understand that other people have feelings and relate to things differently than they would. depending on one’s neurotype*, that might be something that you naturally grow to understand with age, or it has to be something you consciously learn and make an effort to note as you mature

*(before y’all jump on me, the empathy thing is not even a one-size-fits-all thing with autistic kids, for the record -- some struggle with empathy and never really quite grasp it, some have an unusually heightened sense of it to the point where it sometimes gives them anxiety. generally speaking, though, you learn on a conscious level that yes other people have feelings that might not be yours, which is a fundamental fact that young children genuinely do not understand. again, sheltered.)

as they get older the emotional regulation skills get a bit better but the impulse control and grasp for long term consequences doesn’t really arrive until the late teens. getting naturally less sheltered comes with age. as a side note, this is why depression is such a huge problem in teens and some tweens-- on top of the mental illness impairing their ability to imagine that they will ever have something worth living for, they physically are not able to see as far down the road as someone maybe five years their senior, but still have brains developed enough to notice things like, say, the crushing weight of capitalism. 

vocabulary varies. i was talking at six months, einstein famously was nonverbal until the age of four. HOWEVER, there is a goddamn DIFFERENCE between someone that just has undeveloped language skills that is otherwise learning a mother tongue, and fucking goddamn caveman speak. there’s a lot i could get into here but just in brief:

DO:

have little kids hyper-regulate verbs. at this age they have naturally acquired the ability to recognise patterns in language and apply it to words they don’t know, but might not know specifics to rules. a native speaker that hears the word “run” when they know that past tense for look is “looked” and past tense for “talk” is “talked” is going to automatically assume “runned” is correct. someone being taught a language would be told something like “ran” from the beginning with their adult brain. 

compensate for limited experience in the world by have them categorise an object as something they know. referring to all sauces as ketchup, lumping animals into whatever category seems best (”look at all those chickens!”)

DON’T

have your goddamn six year-old refer to themselves with the wrong first-person pronoun. i swear to god if i hear one more goddamn cro-magnon furby of a child go “me hungy! me love you!” i’m going to come to your house and bludgeon you with your own keyboard

have your child be freakishly good at reading the room and then saying super insightful shit. “mouth of the babes” happens because kids are fucking blunt and will also project their own feelings onto what’s going on because they don’t know any better, NOT because their Pure Innocence lets them sense the pain in your soul

don’t do this. i’m begging you. please. 

anyway i hope the takeaway here is that kids are also people with their own inner worlds and shit with their own actual thought processes and logic behind their actions, but also they have underdeveloped brains and no world experience. the same goes for writing FOR kids, something people, and especially fucking celebrities think they can do just because they have kids but actually is one of the hardest things to pull off! i will add that kids usually know almost immediately when they are being talked down to and they fucking hate it. 

just stop doing caveman poetry furbies. i’m begging you. please you’re killing me.

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

actually I’m moving this to a new post because fuck it

okay so I finally looked at the reply, and

Even though there is no good way to prepare for a  neuropsychological evaluation, other than to get a good night sleep and  avoid feeling hungry, it is not unusual to feel as though you could have  done something more. In regards to the self-assessment tests you took  on-line, research has demonstrated that some of them result in high  false positive rates, which decreases the validity of the results (Sara  Jones, Maria Johnson, et al Autism Research and Treatment; Bram Sizoo,  EH Horowitz, et al Autism journal).  Other psychiatric diagnoses besides  autism can result in elevated scores on these self-tests.  Neurocognitive discrepancies and deficiencies frequently associated with  autism were not part of your pattern of test results. As I mentioned in  the report  you have symptoms consistent with autism but there isnt enough to reach  the severity of an autism diagnosis. The results in my opinion are more  accurately described by social anxiety, ADHD, and a persistent anxious  mood disturbance. I appreciate your desire to better understand yourself  and the test results and hope you are also able to discuss these  questions with your therapist as well.

a) maybe I’m overly sensitive (...fine, I’m almost certain I’m overly sensitive) but this feels patronizing b) part of my entire point in sending self-test results and discussing additional things that didn’t come up in the interview was to point out, hey, I have potentially new information that didn’t come up in the interview so maybe the evaluation should be reconsidered, at least a little bit, in light of that new information? and this basically sounds like “no, I’ve already decided your social difficulties are based on anxiety and new information doesn’t affect that because the cognitive tests don’t indicate autism.”

in some ways, I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t find this upsetting because it’s not like they came back saying I’m neurotypical, they did confirm the ADHD so that’s something, especially because it's been pretty destabilizing the way my prescriber has always been kind of half-hearted about it (”yeah you fit the criteria but also it’s not a severe case, everybody forgets things sometimes, hmm wait you’re not responding to stimulant meds so maybe it’s not ADHD after all and I should change my diagnosis, idk”). and since there’s so much symptom overlap between ADHD, anxiety, and autism, maybe it shouldn’t matter that I only have a diagnosis for two of the three.

but it feels like--if it’s social anxiety, it’s on me to fix it. I have to work on it, and expose myself more, and put myself out there, and do exhausting shit that kind of makes me want to cry just thinking about it, and maybe if I work hard enough and burn myself out learning every social cue ever, I’ll eventually stop fucking up and manage to be normal, and maybe friends will stop ghosting me. I’m sure the healthier way to look at that is that it’s fixable and I should feel empowered to do something about it, but I don’t, I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed because I’m being asked to do something I don’t have the energy to do.

if I’m autistic, I’m...never going to be normal. I have to mask in certain settings, but the healthiest thing is to not mask as much as possible, to try to be authentic, whatever that ends up meaning. That’s...not necessarily good, because as I understand it a lot of people only like the mask, but at least that might mean it’s not my fault that people keep ghosting me, you know?

I don’t know, I’m probably looking at this all wrong because I just do that, because at this point my brain is so fucking rewired by depression I don’t know how to fix that either, but it feels like if it’s all social anxiety, any problems I have are my fault unless I put in the effort to fake everything, using energy I don’t have...whereas if I’m autistic, at least then maybe it’s not my fault, maybe I’m not already automatically wrong because it’s just how I am.

oh. and I did cancel my appointment with my prescriber. but I for sure do need to reschedule that one, because unlike my therapist I have her assistant actually calling back to arrange rescheduling something, plus you know I need to keep having appointments to keep refilling my prescriptions. only I still don’t want to. and I don’t really want to reschedule with my therapist either. probably I need to find a new therapist but just the thought of starting that process also makes me want to cry, so that’s not super great either

[pizzapasta23045]

Could it be that part of the reason you dislike aroace Albedo headcanon might be related to the autism headcanon? Because like. I can see two things related to it that would prickle. One- infantilization. It’s unfortunate but it happens a lot- especially with questioning gender, sexuality and such. I’ve had my own gosh darn friends do it to me, calling me an innocent bean and the thing of oh neurodivergent people don’t want/like/understand romantic or sexual things is. Frustrating.

Similarly- I can see a secondary angle but more in the Alhaitham one- where it’s mischaracterizing a character because obviously he just doesn’t like people/is a jerk because he couldn’t possibly pick up on cues! Much less to realize someone likes him! Which is. Also frustrating. Albedo reads to me as a soft spoken introvert. While I’m all for aroace head canons- and it can be very interesting to explore- sometimes there’s some unfortunate overlap between tropes. Like, neurodivergence/asexuality being represented by robots. Like they whole not human thing because you’re missing something intrinsic to what makes someone human.

Sorry for rambling. Sometimes stuff just bugs us, and sometimes there’s an underlying thing that makes it feel uncomfy, at least in my experience.

A part of it yeah.

It's both the autism and the introversion. Unfortunately a lot of sexuality hc are less based on the character but just the stereotype (like introvert=ace fun and chipper=pan ect) and like.... I'm not gonna go to specific people and point it out before it's probably just their actual HC and shit.

But yeah... Yeah... We don't gotta make the flirty onw bi every time while the copper one gets pan. Kaeya is a little bit bi imo but like, not just because of his flirtyness, you know? And also I'm firm in my demi Kaeya agenda because it's a thing.

I'm not sure if it's infantilization with Albedo specifically since it's a very hit and cold situation with neurotypicals HCing him. Either really sex repulsed or really into freaky ass sex. It is a problem, infantilization in fandom, but I think it may affect other neurodiverse coded characters like Sucrose more.

I do think it's just... The fundamental way in which they misunderstand his ability to socialize. Like he isn't shy, exactly, he will be able to talk back to people and won't turn into a putty in social situations. But he doesn't seek them out unless he finds the person interesting.

He has friends, he can make friends easily, heck! He had Tighnari and Cyno both wrapped around his finger in less than a day. But for some reason the fact that he can't KEEP a relationship or doesn't have a large friend group to them means he does not like people?

Which does not seem to be the case at all.

Also yeah, the mixing of tropes is often really weird. Between neurodivergence (but autism specifically and most of the time) and aceness.

[gwydionmisha]

A Trip to the Lake, Jet Ski Rich Asshole Crutch Thieves, and the Uncleaner Stole Some Stuff.

Sunday I took some of the Millennials for swimming/picnic at the Lake for the first time this season.  I got to watch New Millennial fall in love with the PNW landscape exactly the way I did more than thirty years ago.

You can really tell which of us grew up with cold Northern Ocean.  Me: wading steadily deeper and deeper once I'm far enough in to keep my balance by my self on the rocks and the bottom gets a little smoother, then slowly swimming out a little deeper in search of the warmer tide.  (It's a run off fed lake, and the mixing of the cold inflow with the water that's been in the lowlands long enough, makes these weird little temperature striations you can very much feel even after you cold adapt).  Everybody Else: Wading crotch deep and thinking for a while about whether they want to swim after all, then going way slower and stopping a lot to rethink.

I love my Millennials.  The other two each had one of the newest Millennial's arms to help them over the rocks because the rocks suck and I'd forgotten to warn them.  Me, urging them on:  Keep coming!  I found the warm current!  New Millennial: Looking concerned this might be hazing, followed by the moment of delight and surprise on finding I was not.  Look, it's only like ten or fifteen degrees on a good day, but it does make a difference and the activity of swimming or treading water and the adaptation once you go up to your neck and then duck your head, all add up.  You just need to get into a sweet spot.

I discovered on the way back that my fucked up arms really, really don;t want to do backstroke.  I managed a lopsided curve towards shore until I was far enough in to pull along the rocks with my hands and kick.  So Goth Millennial is hanging close on the way to the shallows, because I can't really get out safely by myself and need help getting up onto my feet and staying there until I'm reasonably sure they are working, at which point either Goth Millennial (or Techie Millennial, who couldn't come), would grab my crutch so I could use it and their arm to get out onto the "beach."

My crutch was not where I left it.  My crutch was not anywhere nearby where someone might have moved it if it were in the way of say launching a jet ski from the wrong stretch of "beach"  instead of the boat and jet ski launch area.  I mention jet skis as their were two anchored in the swimming area where they were not meant to be we we arrived, one of which way out past the swim buoys where it was meant to be, and the other parked on the "beach" where it emphatically should not be, surrounded by mostly kids, obscuring view of the corner where the "beach hits the cit off with the higher land and grass.  But I hadn't gone near that, and I needed the crutch to get out to look to see if the crutch was there.

I am still angry about that fad a decade or so ago when asshole able bodied art students would steal poor people's wheelchairs for shitty "art projects" and then brag about it on line as if stealing an expensive thing someone couldn't afford to replace and stranding them somewhere like a park or a bathroom or an inaccessible public building was something virtuous and clever instead of an incredibly cruel things to do to someone, as if their crap project was worth more than someone else's independence.  My crutch is basically one of my legs.  Someone's wheels are their legs.

Every time I go into the water anywhere, I know there is a chance someone will steal my crutch.  This is the PNW, and I think someone leaving a mobility aid next to the water makes sense to the ableds, whereas someone leaving a wheelchair on the pavement in a park doesn't for some asshole shitty lack of empathy and imagination neurotypical reason, I guess.

So I'm starting to get really upset and Goth Millennial is really worried and we are having a loud conversation along the lines of Me: shit!  I can you see my crutch anywhere?  I left it right there. I think someone may have stolen !it! Millennial standing up and going to look across the bad rock stretch craning their head around to see if some asshole maybe put it on the grassy bit above the cut:  I can't see it!  It's not there!"  Middle School age, glaring resentfully at one of the younger kids, stomps around to the other side of the illegal parked jet ski, where we had zero chance of seeing it, retrieves it and hands it to me.  Me: you're very kind!  Thank you!  Goth Millennial hoists me to my feet while I use their arm and the crutch to just barely get my balance.  This is a complicated and painful procedure, returning to gravity after freedom, and I need to stand their awhile like two or three feet away from Asshole Jet Ski Extended family.  These kids just stare at me the whole time we are doing this.  It is very, very obvious that my normally invisible disability is very, very real.  Grumpy teen in charge to a younger kid:  You better go apologize.  No one apologizes.  They keep staring at us hobble slowly and carefully up the shallow stairs.  After I went to pee and wash lake water off my hands before eating, I went to set my crutch down by my chair and all this water poured out of it.  I'd left it on dry land.  

Asshole Family who was too privileged to use the boat and jet ski launch who thus had to drive their jet skis through the swim area had stolen my fucking crutch to play with in the water and the missing adults and the grumpy teen in charge had let them, and then they hid it behind their angled jet ski so no one could see it afterwards.  They could have lost it in the lake.  They could have kept it.

We found out when our friends came out of the water that they’d also stolen and hid our blind friends flip flops, which they grudgingly had returned when it was clear they were hers.

Rich people are the worst.

So we go get dinner stuff at the grocery store and drop a Millennial off and I'm in my kitchen searching for my reusable straws, of which I own four.  I have one I was using for lemonade which I put in the refrigerator last night.  I had assumed the other three were in the wash or something up until now, but I searched the dishwasher and they weren't there.  All the flatware are in the dishwasher except the chopsticks and some specialty use items, since we didn't know which the Asshole Cleaner hadn't cleaned properly before putting back.  we’d emptied the trays.  I search there and around there anyway.  There are no reusable straws in the kitchen except the one I was drinking out of Friday when Asshole Stoner Cleaner was uncleaning the apartment.

The time she was here high as a kite she kept wiggling them and shouting "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle!"  She was obsessed with them.  They were a gift from Goth Millennial.  I don't think they were that expensive, but they were cute and had a nice texture and are earth friendly.  (Some people can't use reuseable straws for a bunch of reasons and we have emergency plastic straws here.  This is not any sort of judgement on people who use single use.  Let's ban fishing industry plastics which are most of the ocean plastic pollution before going after disabled people's straws, okay?)

I think the only reason she didn't steal the forth straw was it was right next to me so I could poke it up under the mask for brief sips.  I'd left it and the cup in the fridge because I don't like to put them to wash until I see a new clean straw I can use in situations like this or when my arms are bad, and it's easier and safer to hold the cup low, or sometimes just because.  They are reusable!  It hurts nothing.  I wanted a straw because my body wasn't working and I wanted to drink the juice I'd bought for dinner while lying down and waiting for things to stop hurting so much. 

There is zero chance the other three are still here.

I had checked my bedroom right after she left for small, easily stealable things missing from the bookshelf where I put curios right after she left because the comment about my interesting things felt like something a person might say anyway, but also a things someone who might pocket once would say and I was already upset and wary of her because of everything.  There are things it would be hard to check, like my BPAL Collection, but odds are she wouldn't steal those.  She'd have had to climb on the bed and go through the little boxes and she was only unsupervised in there for a few minutes with the sweep and mop.  I will need to see if she stole the bottle where I keep a few tramadol in case I wake up unable to get out of bet or occasionally, even roll over without an hour or more of slow, excruciating effort.  While they clean, I'm sitting at my desk right next to the bottled meds collection that mostly feed assorted pill organizers, and the shelf above where the things I need to grab quick in an emergency are not surprisingly untouched.  If anything had been stolen when I got up to go to the bathroom the parent tramadol bottle would be easiest to raid and the only really attractive thing to steal except throat pearls, and you'd have to know what they were and they are not recreational, just a little expensive and perscription.  The altar and display shelf over the sofa seems fine, and she definitely didn't go in grabbing distance anyway.

When I went into the bathroom to bathe the lake water away, I noticed some small things missing.  One of them I'd assumed was in the wash, but I have done a bunch of laundry over the weekend since the Ajax tainted clothes get washed separately and I don't want the dye to be leached by cleanser by letting them sit unwashed, and we have to wash the mop head by itself between uses to get all the ajax out.  It's not in the wash.  It's gone, a small, very useful thing.  Nothing expensive is missing that I've noticed yet, but I haven't properly inventoried all the otc things and the prescription ointments and such, but I'm guessing those wouldn't be attractive.  I doubt she'd steal books.  She didn't strike me as a reader, but when I am in less pain and less exhausted, I'll inventory them better.

Asshole.  Fucking asshole.  

I know it could have been worse.  Every little curio and most of the art except some things in the bathroom that are there because of the risk of steam or water damage have a story.  They were given to me by friends or lovers or made by me when my hands still worked right or purchased at particular events or on particular occasions.  These are memories and irreplaceable regardless because they are mostly hand made or limited edition from conventions.

We don't have money for replacing straws right now.  They haven't paid Goth Millennial for a month and a half, not even for the supposedly paid training sessions.  I owe money to the Honest Mechanic for the third time in three months and am about to burn two thirds of my bill money tomorrow on that, because you never ever fuck over a small business, just like you never ever fuck over another poor person.  (I don’t steal, but I think ethically, stealing from a big chain to feed your kids is okay, and very much better than letting you kids starve, especially given the wage theft and lobbying against the social safety net and minimum wage those chains do.  They steal from the poor, particularly their workers and if they hadn’t paid politicians to do things that prevent people from having enough to eat, then which is the bigger evil?  Mom and pops?  Family Businesses? Little micro businesses and artists and what have you?  Never, ever okay.  Small businesses are the life blood of a community online and RL, and letting me defer payment is a major fucking favor, so they are next after housing, whatever happens to my other bills.  The other few things I spotted are replaceable if we had money for it.

I am so fucking angry anyway.  I already felt my home was desecrated by her uncleaning it and distressing Tavy and the all over fuckery of it, but this small thing, this thing that wouldn't matter if I were a little better off or they weren't a gift, but feel like a big thing when added to all the rest.  

It takes a lot to make me hate someone.  We are not there yet, but if I do find something important I overlooked gone, I will, much like I still hate the ex-friend from first college who took three important things with sentimental value that were/are irreplaceable when he dropped out.  This is how he became an ex-friend.  He knew that the plaque was the last thing the artist my first freshman lover bought it from made and that it had a bunch of layered meanings in what was written on it.  The things he stole from me and another friend were like that.  Very personal and chosen with surgical precision to cause the most distress.  (He did other, worse things, then made sure everyone thought, I’d done them and I was a monster.  none of this we found out until he’d gone and we none of us could figure out why.  Okay, the terrible things he needed someone to frame, but the rest... Sociopathy was the best guess for all of it really.  Last I checked he was still working with children and there was fuck all provable we can do about it, but he really, really shouldn’t have been working with children). These things the Uncleaner stole were small, replaceable things, not something where there is no other one even if memories weren’t attached. 

All the things missing I've looked for off and on since the time she was here high, under the belief they were misplaced or in the wash.  I wouldn't be surprised if that's when she took them and that's part of why she was so embarrassed the second time, but if she were really embarrassed she could have brought them back then and I'd never have known.  Like, she could have tossed them into one washer or the other, or tucked them around the sink, and I'd have just thought that was where they were.

I know the Asshole Agency will do fuck all, but I'm going to call them anyway.  Goth Millennial said before we knew about the theft that she was the one who was a class traitor, because you don't do shit like this to another poor person.  I have no idea when my apartment will actually be clean again.  I'm doubting that an extra two hours this week even if someone turns up will do it.

We are still baffled by the thought process.  

If she'd put the dishes into the dishwasher like I'd asked, it would have been fine and not tons of extra time and work cleaning everything.  I still need to sit on the kitchen floor in the Ajax to go through all the pots and pans in case the extra cleaner does come.  If she'd rinsed and dried them before putting them away, it would have been not ideal, but likely fine.  She did neither for no reason we can understand.  Putting them away wet and soapy was actually more work than racking them in the dishwasher like I asked.  

Not only was the bottle of liquid all purpose cleaner right in front when I opened the cabinet under the sink to hand it to Goth Millennial Saturday when they decided wet mopping wouldn't be enough, there was a literal second full bottle behind it because I hate running out of things so I tend to buy two at once if I have enough cash for it and the trip to get the one I like that is effective but doesn't make bad smells is annoying if I don't want a big mark up.  It was right there.  couldn't have missed it if she'd opened the compartment.  To get at the Ajax I use only for the toilet, she had to go past the dish soap for the sink and tub and the shampoo and conditioner I bought before the engine light went on last month.  She could have used the dish soap and it would have been not ideal, but fine except for all the extra water.  A wet mop after she left would have solved it.  She had to go on her hands and knees and move things to get the Ajax.  Following directions was Easier.  Asking me to get it if she somehow couldn't recognize it as a bottle of liquid cleaner was easier.  Getting about a third to a half of a big cylinder of Ajax out of those small holes was definitely harder than doing it properly.

WTF!?!

I get that stealing small stuff you don't need is actually a symptom of mental illness that requires therapy she likely can't afford, and given how high she was she really had no observable impulse control I could see, hence her repeatedly stopping work to pet a cat I'd warned her not to, and the 'wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, and all the many other things.  This is the only explicable part of it.  Like I get it.  If that's all she'd done I would have been mildly miffed and reported and blocked her because I don't like people stealing my stuff and she might take something from someone else they couldn't eventually replace, but I wouldn't be this kind of furious.  A compulsion to steal and/or walking away with something because one is borderline incoherent high and then going oops later are pretty easy to understand motivation wise.

Doing all this extra work to do so much damage to someone you barely know makes zero sense.  I was nice to her!  I sent her home with a big bag of food each time!  We none of us think this was malice.  It can't be laziness as this took so much extra work than not doing damage would.  so seriously WTF, with the dishes and the Ajax?  This question haunts us all.