#you eating EARWAX

[andromedasummer]

i just. walked into my parents room. and found opal. chewing the earwax. off of my fathers foam earplugs..

[scientia-rex]

As a doctor, do you have any hygiene tips you think most people could use hearing? Like things people seem to neglect or do wrong that pop up and cause problems? Thanks!

EARS. Earwax is genetically determined. Some people get dry, scant earwax and others get wet, copious earwax. The biggest mistake I see is relying on Q-tips. Every time you stimulate the inside of your ear canal it makes your ears go “oh shit, there’s a threat! I better make more protective wax!” and next thing you know you’ve managed to jam a bunch of wax you told you ears to make back up against your ear drums and you can’t hear as well. Don’t rely on Q-tips. When you’re in the shower, let warm water run in, mush it around by pushing on your tragus (the cartilage flap in front of the canal), and let it drain. Repeat. Blot dry your ears with the edge of a towel or a Kleenex or something afterwards. If you tend to get really stubborn wax, use Debrox drops once or twice a week.

And vaginas. They’re mucus membranes once you get past the labia majora! You wouldn’t soap the inside of your mouth, don’t soap your vagina! It’s a self cleaning oven and if it smells weird GO SEE A MEDICAL PROVIDER because over the counter shit probably isn’t the right answer.

Dandruff isn’t because your scalp is dry. It’s because of a microorganism called malassezia furfur. It eats scalp oils. Dandruff shampoos mostly work pretty well.

Those are the three I can think of off the top of my head. Never use Irish Spring soap! It’s so heavily fragranced it’s a contact dermatitis waiting to happen! I once had a guy develop full body itching and I was JOKING when I said “what, did you just switch to Irish Spring?” and from then until he died he was convinced I was a witch because I was RIGHT.

[deliciousangelfestival]

Nothing Has Changed - 8

Summary: Returning home for peace, you're faced with your tormentor, Bucky Barnes, who is now involved in your family's business.

Character: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Warning: Angst, Tragedy.

Nothing Has Changed - Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist || support: Ko-fi

Thank you to anyone who gave a like, reblog, and left a comment. It motivated me to write more. 💖💖💖

Bucky read the report you made. His expression was unreadable. He closed the book and said, “Thank you. I’m satisfied with your work.” He said it as if he finally got the answer he wanted. He added, “I’ve got all I need.”

His eyes looked at the ground as if he were deep in thought. Then he returned to his cheerful demeanor and looked at his watch. “Let’s go home, it’s already late. Tom has called many times because he can’t get through to you.”

After he said that, you quickly grabbed your phone and saw the notifications of 20 missed calls from your dad. You scratched your head, realizing this was the consequence of being too focused on work, forgetting to eat or sleep.

As you headed back to your car, Natasha blocked your way. “Stop what you’re doing.”

“Why?” you asked, crossing your arms. “Why should I listen to you?”

Natasha’s face hardened. “This isn’t your business.”

You couldn’t believe her audacity. Did her ears clog with earwax when Bucky told everyone he hired you? Of course, it was your business since you were hired as an auditor in this hotel. You ignored her, got into your car, and left.

Watching the sports car get farther away, Natasha clenched her fists. She felt terrible, especially knowing that you were more successful than her. The sports car, the designer clothes, and the expensive bag you carried—gosh, she hated it.

She felt her phone vibrate. She saw the caller ID and hesitated to answer. When she finally did, her voice trembled. “I think…” She took a deep breath and released it. “Bucky has found out.”

👓

The next day, you woke up and went to Bronze Lodge again. This time, you were grateful that Natasha wasn't there. Such a great way to start your day.

As you headed to your office to continue your work, you heard someone call your name. You turned around and saw a man waving at you excitedly. He wore a blue shirt, light brown pants, and a tie. He came closer and pointed at himself with a happy smile. “Do you remember me?”

“Jake Jensen,” you nodded.

“I heard a rumor that you’re back. I thought it was a lie. Glad to see you, old friend. Do you want to grab lunch together later?” Jake asked.

You politely declined, “I’ll have to say no. I have to fix the lousy job of the previous auditor.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, the previous one didn’t work at all. Next time then,” Jake said before leaving.

You smiled awkwardly and quickly entered your office, closing the door behind you. You peeked through the blinds, making sure Jake was gone. With a sigh of relief, you sat down at your desk.

You declined his lunch invitation because you made boundaries after what he did to you.

You and Jake were friends in high school, but "friends" didn’t fit. He was more of a classmate with whom you shared some things in common—both of you were nerds and outcasts.

But the difference between you and him was that you didn’t mind being a loner. Jake, however, desperately wanted to join Bucky’s group, where the popular kids gathered. He thought there was a chance because a guy like Steve was in that group.

What makes Steve different is that he and Bucky are childhood friends. And Steve's mom used to be Bucky's nanny.

Jake tried so hard to be cool but always failed. You wanted to feel bad for him, but you couldn’t because of what he did that made Natasha and her group act like jerks toward you.

One day, when you entered the classroom, Natasha and her minions confronted you, accusing you of being a snitch. You didn’t understand what they were talking about until your teacher said, “I’m glad you saw what they did on the last exam. I’m surprised Natasha and her friends could give answers like that.”

Then it hit you. No wonder Natasha was mad at you; you were seated next to her. But you knew you didn’t tell your teacher about her cheating. You knew who the real snitch was.

It was Jake.

He sat at the back, where he could see everything. He was the one who told the teacher. He then told Natasha’s friend that you had informed the teacher, and her friend told Natasha. Jake did it so Natasha would feel like she owed him and invite him into the group. But she didn’t, and Jake’s plan was futile.

Since then, you have never trusted him. Even now.

🎩

You continued working until you heard a knock on the door. Thinking it must be Bucky, you called out, “Enter,” without even bothering to lift your head. But it wasn’t him.

“I see that you’re busy,” a voice said.

You looked up and were shocked to see the mayor of the town, Mayor Martin Reynolds, standing before you.

“Good morning, sir,” you greeted him, trying to mask your surprise.

“I won’t bother you for too long. I just want to tell you something,” Mayor Martin said.

“Yes?” you replied, feeling a sense of unease.

He rested his hand on your table, crumpling some of your papers in the process. The tension in the room grew as he leaned closer and said, “Stop what you’re doing and leave everything.” Then, without another word, he left.

You were stunned. What’s going on? Why were Natasha and the mayor of the town both telling you to stop?

Did both of them know about the money embezzlement?

🍽️

Because of what Mayor Martin said to you, you lost your focus. Bucky didn’t come to visit you either, so you decided to go home early after work.

You headed to a diner for dinner. It was crowded, and the only empty seat was at the counter. You ordered some food and waited.

A moment later, another customer sat beside you. It was Steve.

You ignored him and looked at your phone.

“I’ve talked to my dad, and I’ve sent an application to art school,” Steve said.

“Hmmm…” you replied noncommittally.

Steve continued, “I hope I can leave this town just like you. This town is too greedy.”

‘Greedy?’ That word caught your attention. You turned to him, surprising him slightly that you finally acknowledged him. “What do you mean by greedy?” you asked, curiosity piqued.

Steve was slightly surprised you wanted to talk to him; he answered, “This town’s full of greedy people. It’s all power and money. I need to get out.”

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Author Note: Hey friends,

If you've been enjoying the content, I've set up a Ko-fi account.

Your support through tips would mean the world and help me keep creating.

Only if you feel like it!

Here's the link: Ko-fi

Thanks a bunch for being fabulous followers!

[fourquartertoast]

Marauders-era characters as conversations incited by my cat, pt.1

Regulus *on the phone with Barty, who's just been arrested*: If you're high I refuse to pick you up. I'm warning you. James: Love, he needs food. Regulus: Do I sound like I fucking care, bitch?! Remus: I sincerely hope that's ketchup you're covered in. Sirius: *very obviously soaked in blood* ... Peter: If it helps, it's someone else's. Remus: *sarcastically* Oh, joy! My sense of dread has completely dissolved!

Marlene (about Mary): She could probably cause mass destruction if she wasn't so obsessed with her hair. Lily: Bold of you to assume she can't do both. Marlene: No, I mean full-scale riots. National headlines. Political assassinations, Franz-Ferdinand style. That bitch could bring about World War III. Lily: ...give her a few years. Pandora: *dreamily* What do you think the flowers tasted like? Barty: *fast asleep on the floor after eating fifteen wildflowers* Evan: Dunno, but they smelled like bone marrow and earwax. Regulus: *from behind the couch* That would be Dorcas' casserole, I believe. Dorcas: *poking her head in from the kitchen* Honestly, fuck you. Mary: You look like Thomas Jefferson with an ocular disorder. James: *screeches and sprints out of the room* Mary: ??? Sirius: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever told him. Mary: ?!?

[koolades-world]

More Obey me! Headcannons

had so much fun last time I wanted to do it again

Satan is so smart, but has issues doing basic math and refuses to admit it, like he can’t figure out fifteen plus seven without his fingers or a calculator (is this me projecting? maybe)

Belphie bought himself and Mc matching house slippers. Mc thought Beel felt left out and made Belphie buy a pair for him too

Beel has a huge green thumb, and takes upon himself to save plants he thinks are sad or lonely. He buys the dying plants from the store to bring back to life (partially inspired by the chat where someone, forgot who, told beel that if he talked to plants they would grow faster my precious baby)

Lucifer is the best cook at the HoL, but rarely has time to cook. Beel is the second best but usually eats the ingredients before he can make anything with them. Mammon is probably the worst because Levi can make food from animes almost perfectly

Asmo once almost set a store he was collaborating with on fire with his rage alone because they spelt his name wrong

Beel probably needs a new toothbrush every couple weeks. Belphie probably gets toothbrushes mixed up and uses ones that aren’t his

Lucifer and Solomon like prune juice haha old men

The one thing Luke and Simeon have seriously disagreed on is if raisins belong in dessert. Michael likes them, so Luke does too. Simeon thinks they’re awful but never directly says it, so Lucifer usually says it for him

Despite always being online, Levi had not once checked his RAD email. He has 9,999+ emails, probably a lot more because 9,999 is where it stops counting

Mammon collects cool rocks and keeps them in a box under his bed

Satan’s hands are always freezing, so he sticks them under Mc (or a cat) when possible, or uses a charmed hot water bottle from Solomon that stays warm for days at a time

Solomon and Asmo have had matching bracelet sets for as long as they’ve known each other, and since they didn’t make them anymore, they got some custom done for Mc so they could also have them

For about 1,000 years, Thirteen though jelly beans were an actual kind of bean and Solomon never let her let it go

The first food Mc and Mammon ate on a date in the human world together was Taiyaki, so he made it a point to learn how to make them to surprise Mc (even though he’s a terrible cook) (I might make this a fic since I like this idea so much)

Diavolo has always wanted a Devildom version of a hamster but Barbatos refused to have any kind of rodent in the castle, rat or not

Luke probably downloads those stupid app games with the ads unironically

Satan’s favorite Disney Princess is Ariel because she ran off to do what she wanted without caring what her father thought, it’s giving daddy issues. He’s probably considered running off and marrying Mephisto to make Lucifer angry

Raphael unironically enjoys off brand chips and soda

Lucifer is a nail biter, and Asmo is helping him curve the habit by putting a nasty tasting top coat when he does his nails, and it’s also why he wears gloves all the time.

Belphie and Satan once went up to the humans world together to mess with people in Salem, Massachusetts with magic, which spawned several conspiracy theory books. They read them together and laugh as a past time

Diavolo once went to the human world in his demon form for,, reasons, and accidentally got written into ancient mythology because he got spotted by humans

Barbatos had a home garden for cooking and sometimes lets Asmo have leaves from some of the plants to make homemade skin care products

Mammon probably has lots of earwax. Don’t share your earbuds with him unless you make him clean them afterwards

Belphie has a really large water bottle that’s always on his side table. He wakes up randomly though the night, chugs an ungodly amount of water and then passed out again. In the mornings he has to piss really bad but is too lazy to get up and actually do it, so he just sits and complains. Even Beel isn’t sure how he’s able to drink that much water in a short amount of time

Satan likes waking up early to enjoy the morning air and read outside for a while since mornings can get hectic with his brothers

Thirteen’s favorite torture device is the Iron Maiden. She had her own that she bedazzled. Even Asmo is jealous and wants her to make him one too

Mammon introduced Diavolo to Gatorade, and instead of sneaking behind Lucifer and Barbatos’s backs to drink Demonus, they have secret Gatorade meetings

Diavolo and Lucifer definitely both had a hidden Dialuci stash of things and probably clash trying to collect limited edition things online

None of the Obey me cast took birthdays or passing of years seriously until Mc entered the picture and suddenly time was precious, and they actually kept track. Because of this, nobody is really sure how old the twins are

Mephisto thinks roosters want world domination

Asmo thinks cilantro tastes like soap and Levi thinks anything cola flavored tastes like cough medicine

Mammon's favorite party trick is one Mc taught him, which is rolling his tongue Everyone he meets, including his brothers, thinks it's so cool when really it's just a genetic thing

[desigirldairies]

Ear care — the most unspoken body care.

- ear care if one of the most neglected and overlooked body care it is as important as your face routine. Each and every, part of your body needs attention and care 🫶, and my desi babies if you really want to slay those jhumkes you really need to take care of your ear. Anyways let's get started.

1. Cleaning : Clean your outer ear gently with a washcloth. Avoid inserting anything into your ear canal, such as cotton swabs or other objects, as this can push wax deeper or even cause damage.

2. Earwax Management : Let your ears naturally clean themselves. Earwax helps protect your ears from dust, dirt, and bacteria. Do not use eard buds DO. NOT. Baby girlies please don't it can cause problems in hearing and affect your eardrum.

If you have excessive earwax buildup that causes discomfort or affects your hearing, consult a doctor for safe removal.

3. Protection: Wear ear protection in noisy environments, such as concerts, construction sites, or when using loud equipment like lawnmowers or power tools. Earplugs or earmuffs can help prevent hearing damage.

4. Avoiding Water : Keep water out of your ears while bathing, swimming, or showering. Use earplugs or a shower cap to protect your ears, especially if you've had ear surgery or have a history of ear infections.

5. Electronic devices : use airpods, earphones or headphone max 3 hours not more than that and always keep the volume at the adequate level in order not to affect your ear and brain.

6. Regular Check-ups : Visit an audiologist or healthcare professional for regular ear check-ups, especially if you experience changes in hearing, ear pain, or other ear-related issues.

7. Healthy Lifestyle : Maintain a healthy lifestyle, as conditions like high blood pressure and diabetes can impact your ear health. Stay hydrated, eat a balanced diet, and manage stress levels.

Taking these simple steps can help keep your ears healthy and functioning well. 🫶

This is my first blog btw please support 😭🎀 .

[incognitopolls]

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[live-laugh-legolas]

What candy the fellowship likes

Aragorn:

-I don’t think he is a candy man, but he does have a sweet tooth

-Man loves a good cake, especially chocolate

-He also likes DOTS like a fucking weirdo (sorry if you like those)

Legolas:

-Legolas definitely eats the most sour candy with a straight face

-Snorts tartaric acid

-Actual grave mouth

-It’s kind of concerning

Gimli:

-Eats the spicy candy

-Not because he particularly likes it

-But he wants to prove to himself that he can take it

-Face goes really red, doesn’t handle spice well

-Also loves grandma candy, especially butterscotch

Boromir:

-Eats candy like a little kid with no taste buds and just wants the big swirly lollipop because it looks cool

-Seriously those things have no flavor

-Those paper slips with the colorful sugar dots that you use to decorate gingerbread houses

-If he’s feeling spicy he will have rock candy as a special treat

Frodo:

-Gummy boy

-But the old fashioned ones that sit like rocks in your stomach

-Like the one that looks like eggs

-And those circus peanuts; would eat a packing peanut for science

Sam:

-I don’t think this hobbit has much of a sweet tooth

-Probably likes gourmet dark chocolate and a cheese platter

-Chocolate covered strawberries will put a smile on his face though

Merry:

-Likes the nutty chocolates

-And nougat; would swallow a Three Musketeers whole

-Really likes toffee as well

Pippin:

-As long as it is labeled as candy he will eat it

-Keep any fake food away from him in general because he will eat it even once he realizes it’s fake to prove a point

-Goes feral for a Nerds Rope

-I also think he loves carrot cake with the cream cheese icing

Gandalf:

-Jelly beans, but doesn’t care if they taste bad

-“hmm *smacks lips* alas! Earwax”

-I’m not comparing him to Dumbledore but he definitely would do that exact same thing ^

[takeachillpillshawty]

Very specific TWST head cannons

Jack was accidentally given alcohol by a third year at a party because they thought he was also a third year.

Ruggie would make bets with students if they can guess Jack's age correctly.

Malleus would stay back at after the final class of the day just to sing, he likes the sound of the empty class room. He stopped doing that because a rumor about a "haunted class" was spreading.

Sebek yelled so hard one time, he couldn't talk the next day due to the pain.

Vil watches those self care videos, as in the earwax removal, black head removal, technically any of those gross removal videos. It's a guilty pleasure of his.

Cater is a hot cheeto girl, he and Idia would make ramen and put hot cheetos in it.

Silver is a heavy sleeper...like heavy sleeper. One time a fire broke out in Diasomnia and everyone was screaming. Only after the fire was out did he wake up.

Malleus used to talk to stuff animals as a kid.

Sebek monologues to himself, and everyone can hear him.

Sebek when he was a kid chased another child with a broken ruler for saying Malleus' name in vain.

Riddle and Jamil have this weird friendship, basically it's just them trying to relax but remembering there are idiots who are in the dorms and can't rest until they get things done.

Each dorm has their own WiFi router, Idia usually hacks into the others in case Ignihyde's one is down or he just want to see people's search history.... Let's just say he's not comfortable around certain classmates.

Idia permanently puts Ortho on child lock so people won't ask him to look up not so friendly things on the internet.

Ortho can get sick from viruses or corrupted data he accidentally downloaded.

Jade and Rook have a passive aggressive rivalry. Like imagine them in the botanical garden having lunch and Jade handed him a poison mushroom infused tea and Rook just 'accidentally' pours it in a plant watching it wither. While looking Jade dead in the eyes, both have smiles on there faces, as they passive aggressively try to kill each other.

Cater x Jade or Rook would be so fucking funny. Like imagine dating the most dangerous students in the school but hey at least the dick is crazy.

Trey has a collection of his baby teeth and his siblings baby teeth on his night stand. No-one brings it up...ever.

another reason why Cater doesn't eat sweets is because he'll get a tooth ache just eating a smore.

A student once asked Crewel if it was possible to make 'crack' in potionology..... Crewel wasn't getting paid enough for this.

Crowley has committed tax evasion.

Azul Is thicc. I said what I said, and don't boo me. I'm right.

Ruggie is banned from Monstro Lounge due to finding loop holes in Azul's contracts and getting free stuff.

Malleus hates cake with too much frosting, It defeats the purpose of the cake.

Malleus would use fae circles to teleport prefect to him.

Floyd likes to just bite things, especially his phone case.

Rook takes the best photos.

Sometimes people forget that Vil is an actor and model, so when seeing him in a movie, commercial or magazine they just get jump scared and remembered .

" oh yeah....Housewarden Vil is a celebrity.."

I think prefect is desensitized to meeting famous or high status people that they're not a big deal to them. Imagine Prefect going to a cafe and THE KALIM AL ASIM Is paying for their drink, everyone is shocked that someone who's richer than royalty is paying for you and all you say is " Oh thanks Kalim. "

I feel like up to book 6 every dorm leader helped out in repairing Ramshackle adding there own piece of their dorms in there. A gaming room from Idia, A luxurious bathroom with skin care supplies and designer clothes from Vil, pantry and groceries from Heartslaybul and Scarabia and a cook book from Trey and Jamil respectively. An indoor and outdoor pool from Savannah claw, wallpaper and decor from Azul, and finally furniture and jewelry from Malleus.

[theyhitthepentagon]

how i think all pikmin would taste but ive never actually played the games except like an hour of the first one

red yellow and blue pikmin all taste like celery or carrots, probably celery. would devour these things as a side to chicken wings. DIP THEM IN RANCH

2. purple pikmin would taste like an apple i think. maybe a peach. you can eat these things on their own honestly

3. white pikmin tastes like a burger. or onion ring. cant decide. probably poisonous based on the red eyes

4. pink pikmin are like wild strawberries. either that or black berries

5. green one is fucking awful. tastes like earwax. dont eat it

HONORABLE MENTION: bulborbs taste like crab but are as easy to eat as shrimp

[neon-chemicals]

Headcanons for Troll Hearing Aids (no fun name yet)

In case you can’t read my handwriting:

- Kept in a terrarium

- They will wander away

- Use antennae to transmit sound

- Cleans off and eats earwax off its body before sleep

- Switch presses a pressure point that makes it stop transmitting

- Sheds every three perigees

-

Additional information

- They do indeed hook themselves in with barbs so they’re hard to take out during the day

- They will crawl into other people’s ears if left to their own devices

- Lots of people name them :>

[uhohwhathaveidone]

Can I request Sebastian x m!Hufflepuff MC

Them spending their first date in Hogsmeade :>

HiHi! There was another request asking for a M!Hufflepuff mc with their first kiss with Sebastian and I smashed them together and this was the product!

First Date (S.S)

I've never been on a date but if I did it would be to an art museum, probably. I visited a whole bunch one time maybe 2-3 years ago, was very fun. And again, I know I said maybe yesterday that this would be late, I didn't mean to be this late! I hope you enjoy <3 Why do I keep the reader and Sebastian bantering, I will never know. Also, I wanted to tag this on AO3 with hand holding and? That was not an option, ya nasties.

      You smiled as you followed Sebastian down the path to Hogsmeade, your scarf blowing into your face as a cold breeze blew by. “Should we go out today? It’s a rather cold day out.” You said, speeding up to walk beside Sebastian. He shook his head as he smirked at you. “Chickening out already? We haven’t even walked into the village yet!” He laughed, making your cheeks heat up. “I am not chickening out! I just don’t want to get a cold while we’re out here.” You said, shaking your head as you wrapped your yellow and black scarf tighter around you. “Those are the words of someone trying to get out of a date with his favourite person, you know.” You sighed, giving up as you raised your hands in defense. “Fine, but if you get sick, I told you so. Hate to get sick on a date, though.” Sebastian chuckled in response, pointing to the sign that read Hogsmeade. “Just up ahead, last chance to back out.” Sebastian said, turning back as he raised his brows at you. You shook your head as you walked past him, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him into the village. “Now you sound like you’re trying to get out of a date.”

      Sebastian led the way as he pointed to Honeydukes, smiling at you in a way to ask if you wanted to head in. You smiled back, nodding as you made your way to the entrance. You were hit with a mix of sweet scents as you walked through the door, the warm atmosphere greeting the two of you. “We should pick up some sweets, I hear that the Fizzing Whizbees are really good!” Sebastian stated, grabbing your hand, and pulling you to where the balls of sherbet were. “What are they, exactly?” You asked, peering into the container. Sebastian shrugged as he picked out a few, handing some change to the cashier. “Only one way to find out, hm?” He asked, holding out the treat for you to take. You smiled nervously as you took it from his hand, watching Sebastian pop the candy into his mouth before taking a bite yourself. You smiled in excitement as it began to pop in your mouth, a tangy orange taste mixing with the sherbet base as you chewed. Sebastian furrowed his brows in confusion as his eyes widened, not expecting the fizzling pop that now invaded his mouth. “Popping candy? That’s a new one.” He said, covering his mouth as he spoke to not drop any of the treat. You nodded, enjoying the sweet yet tangy delight as you watched Sebastian’s face change with each new pop.

      You pointed to another shelf of candy as you walked past Sebastian, picking up a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. “Say’s here that you could get popcorn or…. earwax? How would you even?” You said, reading off the box as Sebastian walked over. “Are you afraid of some earwax?” You raised a brow at him, a small smirk tugging at your lips. “Definitely not. But could you handle…. Squid ink?” Sebastian frowned in disgust, grabbing the box from your hand as he read the flavours. “Squid ink? Who would ever want to risk that?” You shrugged, paying for the box and turning to Sebastian, motioning for him to open it. “I’m not eating these with you.” He said, handing you the box. You frowned as you bit the inside of your cheek. “Sounds like you’re afraid you’ll get all the gross flavours. But it’s fine, I’ll just eat these on my own.” You shrugged, picking out a bean and popping it into your mouth. Sebastian watched you in horror, taking the box from your hands and looking at the label. “You didn’t even check what that could have been! You could be eating grass right now, you know.” You shrugged, smiling as the taste of green apple started appearing as you bit the candy in half. “I’m already winning.” You said, pointing to the green bean on the back of the box. “Green Apple.” “You’re a crazy man, you know that right?” You shrugged, offering a piece to Sebastian. He sighed as he took it, eyeing it suspiciously. “Which one is this?” You looked at the box, smirking. “Blueberry.” “Go on.” “Or soap.” Sebastian let out a frustrated sigh as he popped the candy into his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut as he prepared for the worst. You watched him, smiling as he opened his eyes in confusion. “It doesn’t taste like either of those things. Are you sure you read it right?” You shrugged, looking at the box again. “What do you taste, then?” Sebastian frowned, taking in the taste as he tried to put a name to it. “Earthy? It doesn’t really have a taste, to be honest.” You snorted, covering your mouth as your shoulders shook. Sebastian frowned at you, snatching the box from your hand. “Dirt?! You didn’t say it would be dirt!” You continued to laugh as you shook your head. “I didn’t read that far, I figured those were the only two options!” Sebastian sighed, closing the box up and placing it into his bag. “I’m going to grab us some Sugar Quills for the road, please don’t try anymore strange candy, yeah?” You nodded, smirking as you looked at another shelf containing Chocolate Frogs.

      You chatted with Sebastian as you walked down the cobbled path, looking at shops as you passed by. “I’m feeling quite parched from all that candy, what about you, Sebastian?” You asked, nodding in the direction of The Three Broomsticks. Sebastian thought for a moment before nodding. “I could go for a Butterbeer, I’ll buy for us.” You shook your head as you walked over to the doors. “I’m buying, it was my idea.” You said, opening the door for Sebastian. He scoffed, shaking his head as he waved to Sirona. “The date was my idea, so naturally I feel like I should be the one buying for you.” You sighed as you walked over to a table in the corner of the tavern, smiling as Sirona made her way over to you. “Welcome back! What can I get you lads?” You went to open your mouth, only for Sebastian to put his hand on your shoulder as he smirked. “Two butterbeers, please. I’ll be paying for it too, so don’t ask him if he wants the bill.” You looked at Sirona, tight lipped as you sent her pleading looks. She smiled as she nodded, leaving to make the drinks for you. “You are impossible to deal with some times, you know that?” You asked, looking over at Sebastian. He shrugged, smirking at you. Sirona came back with the drinks as she sat them down, sending you a good luck wink before returning to the bar.

      “Look at that! Never in my life have I seen something more beautiful.” Sebastian sighed, taking one of the drinks as he smiled. You shook your head as you took a sip, smiling as you tasted the butterscotch. You glanced over to Sebastian as you set the drink down, coughing as he smiled at you, pointing at the foamy moustache he had received from the drink. “It suits you, though I doubt you’d be able to grow one as marvelous as that.” You joked, shaking your head as he frowned. “I would certainly be able to grow a moustache like this, and it’d be even better.” He scoffed, wiping the foam onto his sleeve as he looked over at you. You took another sip of your drink, feeling the soft foam at the top decorating your lip as you sat it down again. “You know, I think mine might be better.” You said, smiling. Sebastian shook his head as he crossed his arms. “We can’t both have a cool looking moustache. So, leave that to me, yeah?” You shook your head. “No way. I look way better with one.” Sebastian sighed, a slight blush on his cheeks. “I suppose you do.” He muttered, biting the inside of his cheek. You smirked, straightening up in triumph as the foam began to drip off your lip. You quickly wiped it off as you chuckled. “What else do you want to do? We have the whole day, you know.” Sebastian asked, resting his head in his hand. You brought a finger up to your chin, pretending to ponder his question. “You didn’t plan very far ahead, did you?” “To be fair, I didn’t think you’d actually agree to something like this.” “And yet I did.”

      Sebastian paid Sirona for the drinks as the two of you left the tavern, looking around for the next shop to visit. “How about Madam Puddifoot's? Might find some new tea blends we could try.” You offered, gesturing to the small tea shop. Sebastian nodded as the two of you walked over. “Our supply in the Undercroft is getting low, it would be best if we refilled it before Ominis got upset.” You smiled as you walked into the shop, the strong aroma of different blends of tea leaves mixing as they filled your senses. “Well, that wasn’t here the last time I visited.” Sebastian whispered, picking up a bag of tea leaves as he read the label. “What kind of tea is it?” You asked, looking over his shoulder. “Butterbeer. Apparently, it’s new.” You picked up the teacup with a sample of the leaves inside, sniffing it. “It certainly smells like butterbeer. Perhaps we could try it out?” You breathed, continuing to smell the leaves as vanilla and butterscotch warmed the air. Sebastian shrugged, keeping the bag in his hand as he looked through the other bags of tea. “What kind of tea would you want? I’m sure you have a cup or two in your dorm.” He said, peering at the different bags. You looked with him, biting your lip as you browsed the different flavours. “Elderflower tea is rather good; I could make some for us every now and then.” You said, picking up the bag labeled with a flower. Sebastian gently took the bag from your hand as he studied it, reading the ingredients. “Elderflower blossoms, good choice if I say so myself.” He said, sending you a smile as he handed the shopkeeper some coins. “Where to next then?”

      You gently pet the small Pygmy Puff as you softly cooed at it, its big eyes looking up at you. You called for Sebastian, gesturing for him to join you. “Look how fluffy it is! Most of it is just fur too, without it this little guy is probably the size of a small mouse.” You said, patting the fluff that surrounded the creature. Sebastian looked at it skeptically, slowly raising a hand to pat its soft fur. “Is it a Hufflepuff thing, liking these kinds of creatures?” He asked, eyes widening as you shifted the Pygmy Puff into his hands. “I wonder if I could keep him as a pet?” You asked yourself, walking over to the shopkeeper. Sebastian sighed as he looked down at the small puff of pink fur. “You’re almost as cute as he is, you know. Almost.” He said, poking the top of its head with a finger. It squeaked at him, as if it understood what he said, turning around in his hand and looking back at the cage it came from. “Oh, did I insult you? My apologies. You can go back if you wish.” You stood behind Sebastian, smiling softly as he talked to the Puff, gently placing it back into its cage. “What did you say to upset him?” You asked, causing Sebastian to jump. “You can’t do that! What if I had that thing in my hands still?” He gasped, frowning at you as you laughed. “Didn’t mean to scare you. Let’s go, it’ll get dark soon.” Sebastian looked back at the Pygmy Puff, furrowing his brows. “I thought you wanted to keep it?” He asked, following behind you. You nodded as you opened the door, slipping out with Sebastian. “I did, but the shopkeeper said that he was a bit stubborn. Told me to come back another day and have a look.” Sebastian scoffed as he shook his head. “Stubborn is right.”

      You continued to walk around the village, checking out a few more shops that caught your eye. Sebastian smirked as he pointed to the Shrieking Shack, watching as you shook your head. “Absolutely not, they say it’s actually haunted!” You said, stopping at the trail that led up to it. Sebastian scoffed as he walked ahead a bit, turning around as he raised a brow. “Scared of some ghosts? One of our professors is a ghost, you know. You can’t be that scared.” He said, crossing his arms. You shook your head as you frowned. “I’m not scared of ghosts, but it isn’t even time for scary stuff yet. You’re the one that gets scared easily anyway, how do I know you’re not using that as a ploy to grab onto me?” Sebastian felt heat rush to his cheeks as he dramatically placed a hand to his chest. “Me? A ploy? If anything, you’d be the one holding onto me.” You scoffed, walking up to him with a brave face. “If you’re so sure, then let’s find out, yeah?” “After you then.”

      You stayed close to Sebastian as you sneaked into the building, going through a door in the back. Cobwebs littered the corners of the walls, and you felt the urge to sneeze as you kicked up some dust. “So much for being scary, seems like it’s just an abandoned workshop or something similar.” Sebastian sighed, looking around. You shook your head as you followed him, the hair at the back of your neck stiff as you turned the corner. “Perhaps the ghosts are taking a break?” You said, shrugging as you stood next to Sebastian. He sighed, taking a final look around the room before turning around. “I guess we will never know if you would grab me if you were scared. A shame really.” You lightly swatted his shoulder, puffing your cheeks. “I knew it was just a ploy! You were never good at hiding your plans, Sebastian.” You said, turning to see Sebastian in the doorway, frozen. “Sebastian? Come on, I can’t move it you’re in the way.” You sighed, grabbing his shoulder. “Shut up.” “What?” “Look.” Sebastian pointed to a corner of the hall, a rocking chair by the window occupied it. “It’s a chair, Sebastian. You’re not telling me you’re afraid of a lone chair.” He covered your mouth with his hand as he kept pointing, your eyes widening as it rocked slightly. You grabbed Sebastian’s hand from your mouth as you got closer to him, whispering. “Maybe it’s just a draft? It’s pretty common in old houses.” He shook his head, still watching the chair as it slowly rocked. You sighed as you watched it with him, glancing over at him every so often in confusion. “Okay, maybe it is just a draft. Let’s get going, then.” He breathed, releasing the breath he had been holding. You nodded, taking the lead as you walked toward the door. You reached for the handle, about to turn it when a crash sounded behind you. Your eyes widened as you quickly turned, met with Sebastian who grabbed onto you, pulling you with him as he opened the door and ran outside.

      You stood outside the shack with your hands on your knees, trying to catch your breath. Sebastian stood next to you, shaking his head. “What was that? That wasn’t a draft back there!” You shook your head, smiling as you looked over at him. “What are you smiling about?” He asked, his cheeks red as he tried to steady his heart. “You grabbed me. Looks like you were the scared one.” You breathed, your shoulders shaking as you laughed. “I was trying to get us out, thank you very much. If anything, you squeezed my hand until just a moment ago, I can already feel it bruise.” You shook your head as you straightened up, walking over to Sebastian with a smile. “Sure. Come on, I’m starving.” “You’re starving after all that?” “Wasn’t scary. If anything, it was funny to see you so scared.” “Shut up.”

      The two of you sat at a table in the Hog’s Head, talking as you ate. “You should have seen your face; it was like Professor Sharp caught you sleeping in his class. Pure horror.” Sebastian scoffed, chewing his food. “Laugh it up, next time you’ll be the one running away with your tail between your legs.” You smiled, taking a sip of your drink. “I look forward to the day that happens.” You continued to eat as the warm air kept you cozy and away from the dropping temperatures outside, Sebastian’s cheeks were slightly pink as the two of you talked. “Would you want to head back to the Undercroft after this? I’m not sure how late it is, but if we make it back in time we could still hang out before we have to be back in our common rooms.” He asked, glancing over at you as you nodded. “I would like that, but I’m not sure we will have time for it, we’re already pushing curfew as we speak.” Sebastian sighed as he nodded in agreement, looking down at his empty plate. “I suppose you’re right. We should head back then.” You nodded, standing up and walking over to one of the servers, smiling at Sebastian as you paid for dinner. He scrunched his nose as he watched you, glaring at you playfully when you walked back. “Shall we head off, then?” You asked, offering your hand. Sebastian flushed a bit as he nodded, taking your hand as the two of you walked out of the pub. You shivered as the cold air bit your nose, causing you to shuffle closer to Sebastian as you walked.

      “You wouldn’t be so cold if you had your scarf on properly, you know.” Sebastian stated, stopping in the middle of the trail back to Hogwarts as he turned to you. You huffed in response, your face heating up as Sebastian unwrapped your scarf, sighing to himself as he wrapped it around you properly. You shivered once again as you rubbed your hands together, the cold breeze that had blown through making both of your noses red. “I’d offer my scarf to you as well, but then you’d be blind. Although,” he said, biting the inside of his cheek as he looked over at you. He took your scarf once again, causing you to frown. “If you keep taking my scarf, I’ll be a popsicle before we even make it to the castle.” You huffed, crossing your arms. Sebastian shook his head as he took his own scarf off, wrapping the Slytherin styled fabric around you instead. “Mine’s warmer, trust me.” He said, taking your scarf and wrapping it around his own neck before taking your hand again. You blushed as you pushed the scarf up with your shoulders, covering your cold nose with the fabric. Somehow, it did feel warmer. Perhaps the Slytherin’s got specially made scarves for them, or maybe it was because it came from Sebastian, but you didn’t question it. You smiled as you breathed in the lingering scent that Sebastian had, hints of cedar and smoke soaked into the warm fabric.

      You sneaked around the halls as you made your way back to the Hufflepuff common room, Sebastian walking next to you. “I don’t see any Prefects around, perhaps curfew hasn’t started yet.” He said, pulling you behind him as you walked up a flight of stairs. “No one really sneaks around the Hufflepuff common room either, so I doubt they need to stick around for long.” You whispered, pointing down a hall that led to your house. Sebastian sighed as he slowed down, taking his time as he walked with you towards the barrels that led to the cozy interior of the common room. “You’re stalling.” You smirked, glancing over at Sebastian. His freckled cheeks turned a light pink as he shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m walking at a normal pace, thank you very much.” You chuckled as you kept hold of his hand, basking in the dim lights of the hall and the warmth in your face. You reached the entrance shortly after, and you stood there awkwardly as you said good night to Sebastian. “This was fun, right?” He asked, avoiding your gaze as he looked around at the walls. You nodded, grabbing his shoulder. “Of course, why wouldn’t it be. I wouldn’t want to be with any other Slytherin.” Sebastian glared at you for a moment, raising a brow. “Just a Slytherin?” You chuckled as you shook your head. “Not just a Slytherin, of course. I had a lot of fun, though. Perhaps we should plan for another one soon?” Sebastian’s cheeks grew darker at the thought, stuttering out a response. “I- yeah! I mean, yeah. Sure. Whenever you want?” You nodded, blushing as you moved closer to Sebastian, placing your lips onto his in a small kiss.

      Sebastian stiffened up at first, not expecting the sudden contact, but he quickly melted into the kiss, placing a hand to your cheek. His soft, perhaps a little chapped, lips tasted like a mix of butterbeer and dinner, both of which you had in the past hour, and you smiled. You continued the kiss for a few moments longer, pulling away for air as the two of you smiled. “You can keep the scarf; it looks good on you.” Sebastian breathed, adjusting the scarf around your neck. You nodded, poking your scarf that decorated his neck. “You can keep that one too, it’s a nice pop of colour compared to the dark wardrobe you usually wear.” He chuckled, placing another kiss to your lips before waving to you as he walked away.

[nitewrighter]

While we're on the subject of Harry Potter fuckery, there's a memory that recently popped up for me.

So like... in 2001 the first Harry Potter movie was coming out, and like, even before the movie was in production there was actually a lot of Harry Potter merchandise--a lot more than pretty much any other kid's fiction you might find-- but the movie allowed the merch market to really explode with all of these promotional materials. Among them was Jelly Belly releasing Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. And like, you know anyone who read the book or saw the movies can tell you there was this running gag about "They mean every flavor! Some flavors are earwax or vomit or boogers!" And like, in the book, those flavors were supposed to be very rare and you had to be incredibly unlucky to get one--this was not the approach Jelly Belly took. Jelly Belly made a point of including earwax, vomit, grass, skunk spray, and booger flavors among the butterscotch and strawberry and green apple. Like any Jelly Belly box, they had the little flavor guide for the different beans, so you would actually know full well when you were biting into a nasty one. So being kids, and being as obsessed with Harry Potter as a 90's kid might be in 2001, we got our hands on a box.

So like, normally when you eat a jelly bean that's a flavor you don't like, you just go "Ugh, buttered popcorn" or "ugh, black licorice" and move on. This was not the case with Bertie Botts. After eliminating all of the reasonable flavors the consumption of the candy soon turned to a morbid ritual where we would dare each other to eat the nasty flavors. Grass wasn't so bad, but vomit and earwax would literally have you running to the bathroom to spit them out into the toilet.

I just remember my dad looking on with disturbance edging into mild horror as my brothers and cousins and I dared each other to eat the terrible beans and would promptly sprint to the bathroom to spit them out in the toilet and desperately try to wash the flavors from our mouths from the sink faucet. Despite being a teacher, and very passionate about kids reading, my dad never got into the Harry Potter craze ("He doesn't do anything, he just reacts to things happening to him" my dad would always say) and like, it got to the point where he said, "Why would they even put those flavors in there?"

And we were like "Dad, it's Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans."

And he's like, "Okay, but don't have to eat them if they're that bad."

And we were like "Ugh, Dad, you don't get it, it's Bertie Bott's Every Flavour beans and we're wizards."

I wrote recently on re-watching The Chamber of Secrets and being surprised at all the "sucks to your ass-mar" casual cruelty of the kids in that movie. And like looking back, it is crazy to see a younger version of yourself eating this nasty thing, and inflicting the nasty thing on your siblings and cousins just for the sake of feeling closer to a fictional world. I dunno, watching all the Kotaku article writers and streamers try to justify themselves for playing a game that has a super antisemitic plot and actively lines the pockets of a hateful transphobe, on some level I kind of feel what my dad felt... watching his kids eat vomit-flavored beans.

[demeteruntouched]

You may as well know about the time I dated a necrophiliac.

Before we met, she had told me about her fantasy of having her tattooed skin one day turned into leather and used to bind books. She told me she watched earwax removal TikToks as pornography. She wanted to run her tongue along each of my scars.

It was the year that I got the bump on my lip -- a blocked salivary gland caused by too much needy lip biting. I got it frozen off with liquid nitrogen, painfully, while my all-female surgical team gently told me what a tough girl I was being. (I take not flinching as a point of pride, even if it makes me cry. Flinching is for me. Tears are for the person in control.)

In the weeks that followed, my lip swelled and became enormous. Think less "fillers for free" and more "how does she eat with that thing". (By sucking protein shake through a straw, honey.) The tissue became blackened, necrotic, like it was meant to. And finally, my phone began to light up with messages from her.

It was really happening this time. He'd left her. We were going on our date. I could barely use a fork -- I couldn't look pretty at dinner -- but your girl has mad confidence and I wasn't letting her get away again. I walked home with lipstick kisses marking my forehead and neck, as the restriction on my mouth only seemed to provoke her.

By our second date, I was more of a human being again. My lips were starting to be inviting to the general public. And when she kissed me for the first time, she sweetly asked for permission to see inside my mouth.

When I showed what remained of the pale tissue and the black necrosis inside my lip, she lost control like I've never seen, moaning, taking my lip into her mouth and sucking, her controlling hand on the back of my neck. There is nothing like feeling someone use your body to fulfil a kink they likely will never find another legal, consensual opportunity for. Who else would agree to this? I love that we shared it together.

[gothicprep]

i wouldn't exactly call the jim carrey grinch movie good. it has its moments, but it's best described as a novelty that only really could have come out in 2000.

i won't mince words: it's an absurdly horny movie. christine baranski very blatantly wants to fuck the grinch – none of my business, i guess.

the actual point i want to make here is that it's very geared towards a certain generation of people. "90s babies" were very much the audience for this. watching it, i was reminded of how kids entertainment was in that era – nickelodeon gak and mega babies. this, the mike myers cat in the hat movie, and arguably invader zim mark the end of gross out oriented kids stuff. gross, creepy, nasty, offensive, the stuff your mom would call "potty humor" which is what makes it funny. in that point in time as kids, we liked to be disturbed, and grossed out, and scared a little bit, which is something you forget it as an adult. freaky and weird was peak comedy, because kids don't necessarily get freaked out the same way, given none of what's being depicted could realistically happen to you. it's not something you're internalizing, but it feels taboo. it's very much a product of the decade that kicked off with ren & stimpy.

the production design is also very 90s. blatantly artificial but elaborate sets. sort of like the casper movie, in how it leans into the spectacle.

it's also interesting to compare it to the 2018 grinch in terms of how tone preferences for children's entertainment have changed. carrey's grince lives in garbage and eats glass bottles, cumberbatch's grinch is... like... a guy who takes ssris and is grumpy. it's way more anodyne.

maybe shrek was the beginning of the end? by shrek 2, they weren't really doing gross-out gags anymore. there are fart jokes, but he's not making candles out of his earwax.

it's simultaneously funny and fascinating that this was made because it's alien now in many ways. or maybe the better way of phrasing this is that it's a cultural artifact.

also, an elderly lesbian couple raising a grinch baby? i'm so sick of this woke shit 🙄🙄🙄