#xi’s diary

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

1/23

I’m a TA for my old history teacher during 3rd period and sometimes another history teacher at my school comes in to talk to him. This teacher who I’ll just call B, is very friendly and approachable so I asked if I could TA for her as well. I know her a little bit, she’s friends with H and their classrooms are right across from each other. So it’s kinda a win-win situation, I get to see H frequently and she gets help preparing for her lessons.

Well anyway, context aside, she came into my TA class the other day and asked me what period I wanted to TA for again, to which I responded “1st period.” She nodded and said “okay, I was just making sure. H did ask if he would be able to borrow you from me if that’s okay.” At the very mention of his name, I could feel my entire face light up, but I tried my absolute hardest to play it off and I don’t think she noticed. I tried being very nonchalant in my response and said “oh, that’s fine.” Which is not really what I wanted to say but there wasn’t much I could do. When she turned away from me I just started smiling to myself like a big dumb idiot but I couldn’t help myself. While she was turned away, I started thinking about what that really meant for me. I was under the impression that H had a student teacher in his class this year, so what would he need with me ? I also knew that 1st period is H’s prep period, which is why I wanted to TA for B’s 1st period class. It also revealed to me that H and B talked about me. When I originally asked B, it was during her prep period, so her room was completely silent and H’s happened to be too. H and B’s desk face one another in the doorway, so he was able to not only see us talking, but hear our conversation too. The same thing when I went to get my TA form signed by her. So he was aware.

But I started spiraling despite this being good news. Last night I broke down in tears. Which is alarming to me because I pretty much never cry. But I was so sobbing so bad I began to dry heave. I couldn’t catch my breath. It occurred to me that this was him seeking me out. This was in a way, a declaration. Asking me for help on work he’s not even sure he has yet ? Talking about me with B and God knows who else. I asked him last year if I could TA for him and he shot me down and everyone else who asked him, but now he’s asking B for my help. I don’t understand. Sure, this could be just a normal thing, but with all the nuances of our relationship, I don’t see how this isn’t him wavering finally. And that’s exactly why I crumbled. Combined with finding his Twitter and seeing his bedroom (which I’ve fantasized about extensively.) I just found it all so selfish of me. I got what I wanted, him to give in, but I can’t give myself to him. I leave for college in 8 months and I absolutely refuse to grieve the loss of him again. I love the ups and downs I experienced with him last year, but the low I’ve felt the last few months is not enough to make up for the high I felt when I’d heard about his asking of me. I can only imagine the immense frustration I will experience should I let him in again.

Knowing me though, I can tell myself “no, stop, use your brain,” as much as I so please, but my resolve will shatter into a million glimmering little fragments the second he says my name again. I’m less concerned about his potentially likeness of me and more so worried about how I will behave around him because of it. Though part of me does feel like I’m once again blowing things out of proportion.

[controlleddelusion]

I have a pretty face but it’s completely wasted on a fat body. Can’t be pretty when my b0nes aren’t showing 🥲

[sirseereeree]

i just wanna be somebody else's thinspo :/

[light-daintyyyy]

if i didn’t feel so weak, so much that i can’t even walk properly, i’d never eat.

i hate the feeling of food in my stomach.

[dreamy-moon-flower-blog]

My weight keeps dropping but my body looks the same??? Really gotta hit the gym.

[sugarfreeygrt]

i wanna be small enough to be held comfortably.

i wanna be small enough for my partner to pick me up and twirl me without struggle.

i wanna be small enough to sit in someone’s lap without crushing them.

[joyejoyu]

VANA'DIEL DIARIES 1 - 2

I've been playing so much FFXI that I decided to make it a 4koma series about my interesting experience! ^o^ There is more to come, so please look forward to it~

[addictionsandproblems]

Don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't eat don't give in I'll be fine

[awshititsme]

I don’t want to look “pretty”, I want to be frail and sickly. I want people to ask if I’m ok and not believe me when I say yes. I want my body to be as broken and damaged as my mind.

[vampykiim]

💞

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

9/3

Hi everyone, bet you didn’t expect to hear from me again, but here I am. My last year of high school starts tomorrow and I felt like coming back and saying some things. Some things that I realized and figured could maybe help some of you out there, things that I desperately wanted (needed) to hear when I had an active teacher crush.

This is a long one so please bear with me, I’m not sure any of it really makes any kind of sense. Sorry for any typos.

Firstly, my boyfriend actually broke up with me three days after I last posted. It took me a very long time to get over it, in fact I think I’m still dealing with it. But I wanted to come back and share my experience now that I finally had a taste of what I’d felt like I was missing out on.

Some context: I met my ex almost a whole year before we started dating. It was the 4th of July 2023, and I was still coming to terms with my friend's attachment to L and the fact that I did not have anyone to crush on. I went to the beach with some friends so we could be young and reckless and watch the fireworks and all that good American fun. And then I met him. He was sweet and just cute enough and let me light the fireworks he bought. And nothing happened. I told my friends I thought he was cute and they all said I should go for it but I never did. Until October 2023 when we went to the same Halloween party. He tried talking to me about his car to impress me but I don’t know anything about cars so it didn’t really work, but I still thought he was cute and I tried being near him all night. Again, nothing happened. But I still thought he was cute and all my friends still kept urging me to go for it. In January 2024, he added me on Snapchat and we snapped here and there but still never talked. In April, for my 17th birthday, I was throwing a party, and I was convinced to invite him. It was a whole thing, he came late and only stayed for an hour and the time that I did spend talking to him he told me to fuck off. So I did just that, and I let him go. I was upset, naturally, but our mutual friend was sure he did actually like me so he kept convincing him to reach back out to me. The following month after my birthday party we talked all day every day and by May 26th, we were dating.

So, I had basically the most normal of normal teenage relationships. I wish I could come back here and tell you all that “you’re not missing much.” But that’d be a lie. It was a wonderful, beautiful thing. I miss that feeling very much, the way I felt then was the only thing even halfway parallel to the complete and total rush I’ve felt with older men. So, yes, it is possible to find your fix in other places even though it’s entirely different than you imagined. We cuddled and kissed and held hands and he showed me off to his friends. All my friends were jealous, just like I’d fantasized about. I could say things like “oh my boyfriend loves that!” And “we.” It was all very nice. There was this one time, on our first date, we were walking around the city and it was late on a Friday night, and I had this feeling like all the other couples we passed could tell this was our first date of many more to come. Like they could somehow see through me and him. I don’t remember much of what we’d talked about that night, but I remember also feeling like he was going to be my boyfriend. It was a feeling I’ve never experienced before. With H, of course I’d hoped that we was deviant enough to try and make something out of us, but with my ex, I knew that we would be something. It’s a very strange feeling to know something to be true like that. Ultimately, I think this was one of the major factors of our breakup, the fact that I knew what I wanted and he didn’t.

I thought things would never get any better than this, that I had finally found my person. The women in my family have always found their forevers when they were 17, and I figured I was following suit just like them. Right after he’d asked to be my boyfriend, we explained to each other that we’d both pretty much accepted the fact that we’d never have a high school relationship. We talked about even despite that, we kept praying for one. To me, this was a vow. On June 26th however, he decided he wanted to break up. Basically claiming that he’s too busy and that a relationship isn’t something he wants or needs right now. Which is bullshit and he and I both know it. I’m not sure I’ll ever know his exact reasoning for doing so, but that’s besides the point.

The point is that I did a lot of self reflection in the 2 months we’ve been broken up. Probably more than I have ever done, even more than my reformed thoughts about H. I realized that I do still love older men. I still crave that kind of attention. I still actively seek it out. But it’s different now. I realized that I love the unattainability. I love when things are so far out of reach that I can only stretch and crane and sniff at the ‘what-if’ of it all. I love the security of knowing that it’s not reciprocated, that it cannot be returned. I realized that there is peace in the one-sidedness, because if it never leaves me then I never have to confront it or share it. I can live and love within it. It never has to be anything I don’t want it to be. I can be in control of it.

It’s scary when I know that on the other side, that person is feeling something towards me, and that feeling is now something I do not have any say or power over. It grows and winds through them like the roads of my hometown, familiar and unfamiliar all at once. Familiar because I’ve lived here all my life. And unfamiliar like I’m driving at night and know anything might happen to me. And that feeling inside someone, there’s no guarantee it’s going to stay or look the same way every day, it changes, and I still have no say.

But when it’s with someone who can never feel the way I do, I know exactly how it’ll play out. And it’s rather enjoyable when I know that only I have the cards. It can last for however long I wish it to, there’s no expiration date or trial period. I know that it will be there at the end of the day. I cannot say the same for anyone else’s feelings.

The breakup was so hard on me because he was living, breathing proof that I was capable of being liked. Being seen that way. And it was ripped away from me. I’d finally gotten a taste just for it to all have been for nothing. I’m willing to admit the older men I’ve involved myself with in the past have not liked me that way, I was mysterious and promiscuous and the promise of trouble that they’ve craved since they came into adulthood. I was a sexual desire. I still am that sexual desire to them. I don’t really mind that, it’s a little unfortunate that they’ve never loved me like I’ve loved them, but at the end of the day they’re my own kind of sexual desire too. He was a real person, a real teenage boy who liked me. He validated to me what I had always known deep down, that there wasn’t something horribly wrong within me and that someone out there would want to be with me. Despite it being so fleeting, I owe much of who I am in this moment to him and that relationship.

Seeing as my “roster” cleared just as we entered summer, I had so much time for all the things I had been neglecting. Suddenly I had interest in things again. I remembered how much I liked things like superhero movies and The Doors. I had time to focus on things that weren’t how he (my ex, H, any other man I’ve ever involved myself with) felt about me. It was incredibly freeing. I became a new person and it felt like without my knowledge either because of how long I’d been ignoring it. It was sweet to discover who I’d become since the last time I didn’t have a crush.

But, I really do enjoy and miss having a crush. I like the obsession, how it bleeds into all aspects of my life. It gives me a sense of purpose that I’ve never really experienced before. I don’t really care if it’s “bad” to experience this great longing for someone or something, it gives me something to do that I feel like is worth the time. How wonderful to love so deeply. Who am I to withhold that ? Why should I turn it off or dial it down ? I think there should be love in everything we do, whether it be blaring hot and heavy or a dull murmur, everything we do should be mirrored by the love we feel.

But my crushes have always felt so distinctly different from one another. Partly because they are, an older man and a boy my age, but they are also still two sides of the same coin. When I’d fantasize about H I’d mostly envision a private affair. Spending the weekend in a secluded cabin in the woods. Cooking a meal together and dancing in the kitchen. Talking into the late hours of the night, fucking. Which is not to say that I didn’t picture myself out in public with them, because I did very much wish to have a relationship with H that I didn’t need to hide from anyone and where he didn’t need to keep me a secret, I’d just always pictured that kind of a relationship as personal and intimate. A relationship where I didn’t need to perform, where I could just be me and he could be him and there wasn’t any need for saving face. But because I felt so private about it, it bubbled into something pervasive. It became a compulsive need. I couldn’t control myself around him like I’m usually able to do. And it festered within me, it grew and grew until I no longer had any room for it at all.

By contrast, with teenage boys, my fantasies have always surrounded the appearance to other people. I have always pictured him shaking hands with my father, about him winning his big game and running to find me in the stands and give me a Hollywood kiss. I fantasize about him asking me to a school dance with flowers and a big poster, about all my friends being jealous when they see us or when I post him on social media. But those feelings, those daydreams, they’re all always born out of that craving of normalcy. Whenever I like a boy my age, it’s because I get some misplaced idea that he might like me and I get so excited by this that I take it and run with it until the rose-colored haze dissipates and I’m left with the realization that I’ve spent so much wasted time liking a boy who can never give me what I really desire. But this time it was real, and I could be open about it. And it fizzled out. When my ex and I would kiss, I would feel these tiny little fireworks erupting in my stomach. Kissing him felt like everything that’s good in this world, like puppies and springtime and warm chocolate chip cookies. I’ve kissed my fair share of people, and never has it felt like that. It always felt rushed and hungry, like they were trying to extract something very vital from inside of me. It always felt hot and heavy, especially the times that I’d been with older men. And that was nothing like that. It was light and airy, sort of experimental.

I used to find myself getting very angry that H got to go home and go on with his life while I spiraled out of control and became consumed with thoughts of him. He’d go home to his girlfriend and I came home to a quiet house and an anonymous tumblr blog. I used to find it so extremely unfair, you know ? How come he got to say and do all these things that a teacher shouldn’t and carry on like normal ? How come I was the only one facing the consequences ? How come he got to do this with all his girls ? How come he got to make me feel so much, things I have no name for, no way of describing, and I’d have to just remain his student through it all ? Sit there and take it like a dog with his tail between his legs. I didn’t understand how he got away with it. I still don’t understand how he doesn’t care, how he genuinely couldn’t care less about me. He’ll come back this year and do this same routine over again with another girl just like me and rinse and repeat until he retires. I would get so angry wondering what I would get in return. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I miss it. I miss that feeling. I miss the rage, the hurt, the indescribable yearning, the highest of highs, and lowest of lows. Everything he made me feel, whether knowingly and purposefully or not, I miss. Now I’m mostly just mad that I never understood what he was begging me to know. I’m mad that I pushed him away at all. I’d say I’m mad I even met him, but that’d be a lie too. I don’t regret knowing him, not even a little bit. I don’t regret what I felt, what he made me feel. Even when I felt disgusted by him I never regretted any of it. All the times I screamed no I really was screaming yes.

And now I’m a senior. And I don’t have any male teachers. I did end up having J as my 1st period, but I’m not exactly happy about it. J is confusing. He’s too innocent. There’s absolutely nothing there besides a genuine love for teaching. And while that’s admirable, I don’t think it will grow into something. I don’t have any other male teachers besides that. So I’m really not sure what I’m going to do. I plan on visiting H, but I doubt it will really hold me over. I think what most of us like so much about teachers specifically is that we see them so frequently and it’s a guarantee most of the time. I won’t have that anymore. So, I’m feeling pretty lost. Which I bet is a reallllll shocker. I swear I am always feel confused and torn.

Anyway, I guess maybe what I’m trying to say with all of this is that maybe we’re not crazy for this. I think many of us are here and experiencing these feelings because we were born tilted towards the ‘what-if’ and I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. I think we’re allowed to feel this way towards others. I think that sometimes this is natural. I mean, I got a taste of what it was like, what we watch everyone around us experience while we remain silent and passive, and I still ended up back here the same as I’ve ever been. So can it really be that wrong ? Is it possible to love someone wrong ? Does any of it really matter in the long run ? That I spent a long time devoting myself to someone despite it not being reciprocated ? How bad can that be ? How can love ever be wrong ? On a basis, I do understand where people are coming from when they make exposés on the teacher crush community, but really, I think they haven’t the faintest fucking clue what this side of tumblr really is.

[controlleddelusion]

Maturing is realizing that having an 3d is so extremely common and probably most everyone you know has one

I honestly never knew the sheer amount of people who struggle with 3@ting until well into adulthood

[sirseereeree]

i absolutely hate hate hate when my friends force me to eat even if it's 'just a bite' like i know they just care about me but it messes everything up like how am i supposed to tell you i'm halfway thru a water fast or that idk how to calculate the calories of random bites of random foods like pls stop 😭

[light-daintyyyy]

i hate feeling full.

[porcelain-bruise]

Today I forced myself to stare at the plate of fresh cookies my sister made, while everyone else eats. I didn't have any. 🩷

[sugarfreeygrt]

ig: crystalkaro