#xi’s diary

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

9/3

Hi everyone, bet you didn’t expect to hear from me again, but here I am. My last year of high school starts tomorrow and I felt like coming back and saying some things. Some things that I realized and figured could maybe help some of you out there, things that I desperately wanted (needed) to hear when I had an active teacher crush.

This is a long one so please bear with me, I’m not sure any of it really makes any kind of sense. Sorry for any typos.

Firstly, my boyfriend actually broke up with me three days after I last posted. It took me a very long time to get over it, in fact I think I’m still dealing with it. But I wanted to come back and share my experience now that I finally had a taste of what I’d felt like I was missing out on.

Some context: I met my ex almost a whole year before we started dating. It was the 4th of July 2023, and I was still coming to terms with my friend's attachment to L and the fact that I did not have anyone to crush on. I went to the beach with some friends so we could be young and reckless and watch the fireworks and all that good American fun. And then I met him. He was sweet and just cute enough and let me light the fireworks he bought. And nothing happened. I told my friends I thought he was cute and they all said I should go for it but I never did. Until October 2023 when we went to the same Halloween party. He tried talking to me about his car to impress me but I don’t know anything about cars so it didn’t really work, but I still thought he was cute and I tried being near him all night. Again, nothing happened. But I still thought he was cute and all my friends still kept urging me to go for it. In January 2024, he added me on Snapchat and we snapped here and there but still never talked. In April, for my 17th birthday, I was throwing a party, and I was convinced to invite him. It was a whole thing, he came late and only stayed for an hour and the time that I did spend talking to him he told me to fuck off. So I did just that, and I let him go. I was upset, naturally, but our mutual friend was sure he did actually like me so he kept convincing him to reach back out to me. The following month after my birthday party we talked all day every day and by May 26th, we were dating.

So, I had basically the most normal of normal teenage relationships. I wish I could come back here and tell you all that “you’re not missing much.” But that’d be a lie. It was a wonderful, beautiful thing. I miss that feeling very much, the way I felt then was the only thing even halfway parallel to the complete and total rush I’ve felt with older men. So, yes, it is possible to find your fix in other places even though it’s entirely different than you imagined. We cuddled and kissed and held hands and he showed me off to his friends. All my friends were jealous, just like I’d fantasized about. I could say things like “oh my boyfriend loves that!” And “we.” It was all very nice. There was this one time, on our first date, we were walking around the city and it was late on a Friday night, and I had this feeling like all the other couples we passed could tell this was our first date of many more to come. Like they could somehow see through me and him. I don’t remember much of what we’d talked about that night, but I remember also feeling like he was going to be my boyfriend. It was a feeling I’ve never experienced before. With H, of course I’d hoped that we was deviant enough to try and make something out of us, but with my ex, I knew that we would be something. It’s a very strange feeling to know something to be true like that. Ultimately, I think this was one of the major factors of our breakup, the fact that I knew what I wanted and he didn’t.

I thought things would never get any better than this, that I had finally found my person. The women in my family have always found their forevers when they were 17, and I figured I was following suit just like them. Right after he’d asked to be my boyfriend, we explained to each other that we’d both pretty much accepted the fact that we’d never have a high school relationship. We talked about even despite that, we kept praying for one. To me, this was a vow. On June 26th however, he decided he wanted to break up. Basically claiming that he’s too busy and that a relationship isn’t something he wants or needs right now. Which is bullshit and he and I both know it. I’m not sure I’ll ever know his exact reasoning for doing so, but that’s besides the point.

The point is that I did a lot of self reflection in the 2 months we’ve been broken up. Probably more than I have ever done, even more than my reformed thoughts about H. I realized that I do still love older men. I still crave that kind of attention. I still actively seek it out. But it’s different now. I realized that I love the unattainability. I love when things are so far out of reach that I can only stretch and crane and sniff at the ‘what-if’ of it all. I love the security of knowing that it’s not reciprocated, that it cannot be returned. I realized that there is peace in the one-sidedness, because if it never leaves me then I never have to confront it or share it. I can live and love within it. It never has to be anything I don’t want it to be. I can be in control of it.

It’s scary when I know that on the other side, that person is feeling something towards me, and that feeling is now something I do not have any say or power over. It grows and winds through them like the roads of my hometown, familiar and unfamiliar all at once. Familiar because I’ve lived here all my life. And unfamiliar like I’m driving at night and know anything might happen to me. And that feeling inside someone, there’s no guarantee it’s going to stay or look the same way every day, it changes, and I still have no say.

But when it’s with someone who can never feel the way I do, I know exactly how it’ll play out. And it’s rather enjoyable when I know that only I have the cards. It can last for however long I wish it to, there’s no expiration date or trial period. I know that it will be there at the end of the day. I cannot say the same for anyone else’s feelings.

The breakup was so hard on me because he was living, breathing proof that I was capable of being liked. Being seen that way. And it was ripped away from me. I’d finally gotten a taste just for it to all have been for nothing. I’m willing to admit the older men I’ve involved myself with in the past have not liked me that way, I was mysterious and promiscuous and the promise of trouble that they’ve craved since they came into adulthood. I was a sexual desire. I still am that sexual desire to them. I don’t really mind that, it’s a little unfortunate that they’ve never loved me like I’ve loved them, but at the end of the day they’re my own kind of sexual desire too. He was a real person, a real teenage boy who liked me. He validated to me what I had always known deep down, that there wasn’t something horribly wrong within me and that someone out there would want to be with me. Despite it being so fleeting, I owe much of who I am in this moment to him and that relationship.

Seeing as my “roster” cleared just as we entered summer, I had so much time for all the things I had been neglecting. Suddenly I had interest in things again. I remembered how much I liked things like superhero movies and The Doors. I had time to focus on things that weren’t how he (my ex, H, any other man I’ve ever involved myself with) felt about me. It was incredibly freeing. I became a new person and it felt like without my knowledge either because of how long I’d been ignoring it. It was sweet to discover who I’d become since the last time I didn’t have a crush.

But, I really do enjoy and miss having a crush. I like the obsession, how it bleeds into all aspects of my life. It gives me a sense of purpose that I’ve never really experienced before. I don’t really care if it’s “bad” to experience this great longing for someone or something, it gives me something to do that I feel like is worth the time. How wonderful to love so deeply. Who am I to withhold that ? Why should I turn it off or dial it down ? I think there should be love in everything we do, whether it be blaring hot and heavy or a dull murmur, everything we do should be mirrored by the love we feel.

But my crushes have always felt so distinctly different from one another. Partly because they are, an older man and a boy my age, but they are also still two sides of the same coin. When I’d fantasize about H I’d mostly envision a private affair. Spending the weekend in a secluded cabin in the woods. Cooking a meal together and dancing in the kitchen. Talking into the late hours of the night, fucking. Which is not to say that I didn’t picture myself out in public with them, because I did very much wish to have a relationship with H that I didn’t need to hide from anyone and where he didn’t need to keep me a secret, I’d just always pictured that kind of a relationship as personal and intimate. A relationship where I didn’t need to perform, where I could just be me and he could be him and there wasn’t any need for saving face. But because I felt so private about it, it bubbled into something pervasive. It became a compulsive need. I couldn’t control myself around him like I’m usually able to do. And it festered within me, it grew and grew until I no longer had any room for it at all.

By contrast, with teenage boys, my fantasies have always surrounded the appearance to other people. I have always pictured him shaking hands with my father, about him winning his big game and running to find me in the stands and give me a Hollywood kiss. I fantasize about him asking me to a school dance with flowers and a big poster, about all my friends being jealous when they see us or when I post him on social media. But those feelings, those daydreams, they’re all always born out of that craving of normalcy. Whenever I like a boy my age, it’s because I get some misplaced idea that he might like me and I get so excited by this that I take it and run with it until the rose-colored haze dissipates and I’m left with the realization that I’ve spent so much wasted time liking a boy who can never give me what I really desire. But this time it was real, and I could be open about it. And it fizzled out. When my ex and I would kiss, I would feel these tiny little fireworks erupting in my stomach. Kissing him felt like everything that’s good in this world, like puppies and springtime and warm chocolate chip cookies. I’ve kissed my fair share of people, and never has it felt like that. It always felt rushed and hungry, like they were trying to extract something very vital from inside of me. It always felt hot and heavy, especially the times that I’d been with older men. And that was nothing like that. It was light and airy, sort of experimental.

I used to find myself getting very angry that H got to go home and go on with his life while I spiraled out of control and became consumed with thoughts of him. He’d go home to his girlfriend and I came home to a quiet house and an anonymous tumblr blog. I used to find it so extremely unfair, you know ? How come he got to say and do all these things that a teacher shouldn’t and carry on like normal ? How come I was the only one facing the consequences ? How come he got to do this with all his girls ? How come he got to make me feel so much, things I have no name for, no way of describing, and I’d have to just remain his student through it all ? Sit there and take it like a dog with his tail between his legs. I didn’t understand how he got away with it. I still don’t understand how he doesn’t care, how he genuinely couldn’t care less about me. He’ll come back this year and do this same routine over again with another girl just like me and rinse and repeat until he retires. I would get so angry wondering what I would get in return. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I miss it. I miss that feeling. I miss the rage, the hurt, the indescribable yearning, the highest of highs, and lowest of lows. Everything he made me feel, whether knowingly and purposefully or not, I miss. Now I’m mostly just mad that I never understood what he was begging me to know. I’m mad that I pushed him away at all. I’d say I’m mad I even met him, but that’d be a lie too. I don’t regret knowing him, not even a little bit. I don’t regret what I felt, what he made me feel. Even when I felt disgusted by him I never regretted any of it. All the times I screamed no I really was screaming yes.

And now I’m a senior. And I don’t have any male teachers. I did end up having J as my 1st period, but I’m not exactly happy about it. J is confusing. He’s too innocent. There’s absolutely nothing there besides a genuine love for teaching. And while that’s admirable, I don’t think it will grow into something. I don’t have any other male teachers besides that. So I’m really not sure what I’m going to do. I plan on visiting H, but I doubt it will really hold me over. I think what most of us like so much about teachers specifically is that we see them so frequently and it’s a guarantee most of the time. I won’t have that anymore. So, I’m feeling pretty lost. Which I bet is a reallllll shocker. I swear I am always feel confused and torn.

Anyway, I guess maybe what I’m trying to say with all of this is that maybe we’re not crazy for this. I think many of us are here and experiencing these feelings because we were born tilted towards the ‘what-if’ and I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. I think we’re allowed to feel this way towards others. I think that sometimes this is natural. I mean, I got a taste of what it was like, what we watch everyone around us experience while we remain silent and passive, and I still ended up back here the same as I’ve ever been. So can it really be that wrong ? Is it possible to love someone wrong ? Does any of it really matter in the long run ? That I spent a long time devoting myself to someone despite it not being reciprocated ? How bad can that be ? How can love ever be wrong ? On a basis, I do understand where people are coming from when they make exposés on the teacher crush community, but really, I think they haven’t the faintest fucking clue what this side of tumblr really is.

[pink-evilette]

I can't believe saw xi got delayed I am so sad 😞 but hopefully this means they are taking extra care to make it even better than saw x

[skopostheorie]

I'm so annoyed no matter what I do I just never actually do this stupid work. It's not OBSCENELY difficult but it doesn't come naturally to me and I just struggle with it

[grievd]

( #𝚐𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚟𝚍 ) — tag drop !

[icycoldninja]

Masterlist XI

Let's do this the right way; save space.

REQUESTS ARE CURRENTLY CLOSED

Last updated: 11, 14, 2024

Icycoldninja's rules

Masterlist I

Masterlist II

Masterlist III

Masterlist IV

Masterlist V

Masterlist VI

Masterlist VII

Masterlist VIII

Masterlist IX

Masterlist X

DMC:

Sparda boys + V x Aerith-like!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Sophia-like!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Zookeeper!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Paranoid!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Constantly naked!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Jazz singer!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Kneading!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader with gift related trauma headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Maiden!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader with a mini-me headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader with a non sexual tickle kink headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader who is shy about noises headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader lactation kink headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader who has never seen snow headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader anime accident headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Pianist!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Psycho!Reader with a gun headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader with Marie Antoinette syndrome headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader with low life expectancy headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader Reader who makes otter noises headcannons

Sparda boys + V reacting to Reader giving them a wedgie headcannons

Sparda boys + V x People pleaser!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Best friends to lovers!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader first date headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Male!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Hurt dog-like!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Goth!Autistic!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader with weird cooking habits headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Haphephobic!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Sunburnt!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V Reading Reader's diary headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader with anger issues headcannons

Sparda twins + V x British accented!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Surprisingly strong!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Reader kitten situation headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Shy!Praiser!Reader NSFW headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Shinobu like!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Fem!Reader who gets stalked by a monster headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Knitter!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Visual-kei!Flutist!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys x Reader double proposal headcannons

Sparda twins + V x Old friend!Reader headcannons

Sparda boys × Daughter!Reader dating a bouncer headcannons

Dante x Chubby!Insecure!Reader headcannons

Dante + Vergil x Black Magic using!Frail!Reader headcannons

Dante + V x People pleaser!Reader with abandonment issues headcannons

I can't trust you (Dante x Traumatized!Reader angst/suggestive)

Dante x Autistic!Reader headcannons

Awkward things the Sparda boys + V do during sex headcannons

Dante + V x Reader who meows for attention headcannons

How the DMC boys would carry their SO

Sparda boys x Younger!Fem!Reader headcannons

Anal destruction (Vergil x Reader NSFW)

Naked encounter (Vergil x Reader NSFW)

Nightlight (Dante x Male!Neko!Reader)

Dante x aspec!Reader headcannons

Braids (V x reader fluff)

Second place (Dad!Vergil x Daughter!Figure skater!Reader platonic)

Too shy (Dante x Shy!Fem!Reader)

Super Spicy Shower Time (Dante x Fem!Reader NSFW)

Time (Nero x Reader angst)

He loved you (V/Vergil x Reader)

I don't feel pretty enough (Dante x Insecure!Fem!Reader)

Noise (Dante x Male!Neko!Reader)

Sparda boys + V x Reader with a southern accent headcannons

Sparda boys + V x Supposedly Dead!Ex!Reader headcannons

MGS:

MGS4!Raiden NSFW alphabet

It's Jack! (NSFW)

Jack the Ripper's grand appearance (angst/fluff/crack/NSFW)

If you slapped his butt (MGR)

X Blind!Male!Martial artist!Reader headcannons

Raiden imagine (NSFW)

Another Raiden imagine (NSFW)

FF7:

My superstar (Yandere!Sephiroth x Reader)

Pegging headcannons (Genesis x Reader)

Post-Nibelheim!Sephiroth x Creepy!Reader headcannons

Rescue (Sephiroth x Reader angst)

JJK:

Dating Gojo headcannons

Dating Mahito headcannons

HXH:

Dating Hisoka headcannons

Dating Illumi headcannons

Fairy Tail:

Dating Midnight headcannons

[bookish-bogwitch]

Hello! Thanks for the tag @ivelovedhimthroughworse. I am so so excited for your monstrous spawn to wreak devastation across our screens. And thank you to everyone else who's been tagging me the past month or so while I tumbled inconsistently. I appreciate you.

Here are eight sentences from chapter 7 of Basil Pitch's Diary, which I'll post next Saturday.

Accidental outing not disaster, but opportunity. Father can hardly pretend I’m straight once Snow has alerted entire World of Mages otherwise. Will set proud example as first out member of an Old Family. (Dev doesn’t count.) Will usher in queer golden age.  But if I return to school still single and virginal, even Snow might do the math. Two weeks’ bunny snuggles plus zero other love interests equals one big fat crush on roommate. Very idea makes me want to puke blood of woodland creatures onto duvet.

What will our hero do in the face of this dilemma? Whatever it is, I'm sure it's a really good idea.

More thanks and tags below the cut.

As I wrote before, I skipped an update on this fic because I needed more time to lay track for the ending. Thank you @facewithoutheart and @thewholelemon for your patient help figuring how I'm going to get Baz from points A, B, and C to E. You talked me off the ledge and were so insightful. I'm now confident that I won't stall out writing this thing right after its angstiest chapter, which was a danger. 😂

No-pressure tagging / a friendly hello to @blackberrysummerblog, @alleycat0306, @alexalexinii, @artsyunderstudy , @aristocratic-otter ,

@angelsfalling16 @brilla-brilla-estrellita @carryonsimoncarryonbaz @dragoneggos , @erzbethluna, @emeryhall ,

@fight-surrender @gekkoinapeartree , @ic3-que3n , @ileadacharmedlife , @ionlydrinkhotwater ,

@j-nipper-95 , @larkral , @nausikaaa , @nightimedreamersworld , @martsonmars ,

@messofthejess , @onepintobean , @otherpeoplesheartachept-2 , @pipsqueakparker , @penpanoply ,

@rimeswithpurple , @letraspal , @twokisses , @urban-sith , @valeffelees ,

@wellbelesbian , @whogaveyoupermission , @shrekgogurt @whatevertheweather , @xi-vz ,

@yellobb-old , @you-remind-me-of-the-babe , @comesitintheclover , @iamamythologicalcreature , @imagineacoolusername

@skeedelvee, @youarenevertooold, @paper-beats-writers-block, @stitchyqueer,

[atlasthegreatest]

- Atlas Masterlist - [Requests are open]

▪️Male reader

▫️Female reader

🔲 Gender neutral

🔳 Male/ Female Oc

Avatar: The Legend Of Korra/ The Last Airbender:

Asami Sato:

🔳 - War of Hearts- I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, XI, X , XI

Avatar Korra:

Butterfly Effect

Lin Beifong

Katara

Suyin Beifong

Mako

Bolin

Azula

Senna

Kya

Kuvira

Percy Jackson:

Annabeth Chase:

🔲- Strategic Minds and Wild Hearts

Percy Jackson

Jason Grace

Thalia Grace

Piper McLean

Hazel Levesque

Nico DiAngelo

Sally Jackson

Silena Beauregard

Drew Tanaka

Harry Potter :

Hermione Granger

Harry Potter

Narcissa Black

Lily Evans

Daphne Greengrass

Narcissa Black

Ginny Weasley

Fleur Delacour

Penny Haywood :

- Baby Problems

Cassandra Vole:

▪️- Unexpected Surprises

▪️- Tme Wrap: Bizarrely Adventures!

Scream:

Sidney Prescott :

- ▪️ Flight or Figth

Tara Carpenter:

▪️ A Nigth Out

Gale Weathers

Sam Carpenter:

▪️A Nigth to Remember

Fairy Tail:

Erza Scarlet:

🔲- A Taste of Love

Natsu Dragneel

Grey Fullbuster

Lucy Heartfilia :

🔲 - Friends…? Friends.

Mirajane Strauss

Juvia Lockser

Irene Belserion

Attack On Titan:

Mikasa Ackerman:

-▫️ Fake It ‘Till You Break It - I

Eren Yeager

Historia Reiss

Annie Leonheart

Pieck Finger

Jean Kriestean

Sasha Braus

Hange Zoe

Marvel Universe:

Natasha Romanoff:

▫️A Hero’s First Flight

▪️Breaking the Chains

Laura Kinney:

▪️Into the Wild

▪️Into the Void

Jean Grey

Emma Frost

Wanda Maximoff

Maria Hill:

▫️A Hero’s First Flight

Cindy Moon:

▪️ The Bat, The Spider, and The Mutant

Gwen Stacy:

▪️ Tangled in the Web

Felicia Hardy

Mary-Jane Watson

Ororo Monroe

DC Universe:

Cassandra Cain:

▪️The Bat, The Spider, and The Mutant

▪️The Super’s Bats

🔲- Silent Glances and Secret Smiles

🔲- Shadows of the Past — Birds of a Feather pt.2 — Weight of Memories pt.3 — Weight of the Past pt.4

▪️Shadows of Grief

🔲- A New Begining

▫️ Quiet Echoes of Love

▫️ Cracks in the Shell

Helena Bertinelli:

▫️Under the Spotlight

Barbara Gordon:

▫️- Cards on the Table

Dick Grayson

Poison Ivy

Kara Zor-El:

▫️The Flight of the Owl

Wonder Woman:

▪️The Wonder and the Guardian of Themyscira

▫️Unseen Bonds

Cassandra Sandsmark

Zatanna Zatara

Talia al Ghul:

▫️Duty and Devotion

▫️ A Not-So-Quiet Visit

Lady Shiva

Starfire

The Vampire Diaries/ The Originals:

Caroline Forbes:

▪️ Late Night Talking

Katherine Pierce:

🔲- Blood Ties

Rebekah Mikaelson

Hayley Marshal

Bonnie Bennett

Hope Mikaelson:

🔲- Bound by Blood

Davina Clare

Freya Mikaelson

The Witcher:

Cirilla of Cintra

Geralt of Rivia

Yennefer of Vengerberg

Acotar:

Feyre Archeron

Nesta Archeron

Morrigan

Elain Archeron

K-pop/K-drama girls (to add more):

Aespa:

Yu Jimin:

▪️ Where it Begins

Red Velvet:

Bae Joohyun:

▫️ Nobody Knows

Park Sooyoung:

🔲- The Way You Make Me Feel

Ive:

Ahn Yujin:

🔲- Bound by The Distance Between Us

Twice:

Sana Minatozaki:

🔲- Operation: Sweet Serenade

Katseye

Le Sserafim

Girls Generation

All of us are dead

Doona

Manhwa/comics ( to add more):

Navier Trovi :

- 🔳 Honor me of this dance

Penelope Eckart

Samantha Wilkins/ Atom Eve

Mark Grayson /Invincible

Video game girls ( to add more):

Laura Croft:

🔲- Between Adventures — Beneath the Surface pt.2

▪️ Treasures of the Heart

▪️ A Game of Hearts and Ruins

Jill Valentine:

▪️Through Fire and Ruin Against the Clock pt.2

Haley Carter (Stadew Valley):

🔲- Daylight

Sadie Adler (Red Dead Redemption)

Sam Giddings (Until Dawn)

Kitanna (Mortal Kombat)

Sonya Blade (Mortal Kombat)

Claire Redfield

Ada Wong

TV Shows/ Series (to add more):

Miraculous Ladybug:

Marinette Dupain- Cheng/ Ladybug

Kagami

Chlöe Bourgeois

Arcane/League of Legends:

Caitlyn Kiramman:

▫️The Edge of Loyalty

Mel Merdada:

▪️ Alchemy of Minds

Luxanna (Lux)

KD/A

Got/HotD:

Rhaenyra Targaryen

Daenerys Targaryen

Alicent Hightower

Teen Wolf:

Lydia Martin

Kira Yukimura

Allison Argent

Bridgerton:

Daphne Bridgerton

Francesca Bridgerton

Kate Sharma

Fate: The Winx Saga:

Bloom

Stella

Flora

Scooby-Doo: Mysteries S.A:

Daphne Blake

Power Rangers:

Rpm:

▪️Reunion Amid the Chaos

Naruto ( to add more):

Hinata Hyuga

Sakura Haruno:

▫️A New Tide

Tsunade Senju:

▫️Quiet Storm

Kushina Uzumaki

[myemuisemo]

Laura Lyons, the mysterious typist of Coombe Tracey, has my heart in chapter XI of of The Hound of the Baskervilles in this week's Letters from Watson.

Watson himself does not. He is determined to be lyrical in his diary, and it sometimes bites him.

I had no difficulty in finding her rooms, which were central and well appointed. A maid showed me in without ceremony, and as I entered the sitting-room a lady, who was sitting before a Remington typewriter,

Sherlock Holmes would have deduced twelve things from the furnishings of those rooms, before he got as far as bowing to the lady. On the plus side, knowing that the typewriter is a Remington, we can now browse this database of historic Remington typewriters.

The first impression left by Mrs. Lyons was one of extreme beauty. Her eyes and hair were of the same rich hazel colour, 

Let's presume Watson means "golden brown," as the greenish-golden-brown that hazel commonly means in the present-day U.S. would not be a successful hair color.

and her cheeks, though considerably freckled, were flushed with the exquisite bloom of the brunette, the dainty pink which lurks at the heart of the sulphur rose. 

Here's a beautiful picture of Rosa hemispherica, the sulfur rose. Note the lack of pink at its heart.

There was something subtly wrong with the face, some coarseness of expression, some hardness, perhaps, of eye, some looseness of lip which marred its perfect beauty.

Sure. Jan. I mean, John.

After much to-ing and fro-ing about the letter received by Sir Charles Baskerville -- because society was not kind to women in her position -- Laura Lyons reveals a reason for the letter.

“My life has been one incessant persecution from a husband whom I abhor. The law is upon his side, and every day I am faced by the possibility that he may force me to live with him. At the time that I wrote this letter to Sir Charles I had learned that there was a prospect of my regaining my freedom if certain expenses could be met. It meant everything to me—peace of mind, happiness, self-respect—everything. I knew Sir Charles's generosity, and I thought that if he heard the story from my own lips he would help me.”

The Matrimonial Causes Act of 1857 had made civil divorce possible for ordinary people, which is not the same as making it easy. A man could obtain a divorce for his wife's adultery -- which Mr. Lyons does not want, so either suspicions that Laura Lyons was "loose" are simply wrong or he doesn't care. A woman had to prove both her husband's adultery and an additional cause, such as desertion (not applicable here since he wants to get back with her), cruelty (difficult to press due to social acceptance of domestic violence), bigamy, or incest.

From what little Laura Lyons discloses, it seems most likely that her husband has another living wife somewhere, giving her bigamy as the additional grounds. She still has to prove it! The evidence-gathering, travel, and court appearances could take years and cost a great deal.

“Then how is it that you did not go?” “Because I received help in the interval from another source.”

Watson then decides there's nothing he can do but look into whether Laura Lyons did indeed file for divorce. Personally, I'd be looking to see if someone helpfully murdered Lyons. And yes, I'm curious who or what the other source was. In real life, this would be none of my business, but this is a constructed story where Laura Lyons' connections and motivations contribute to the plot.

In a disappointing show of male solidarity, Watson has no problem (other than boredom) with socializing with the litigious Mr. Frankland, estranged father of Laura Lyons. I'm also disappointed in Mr. Frankland, as his law suits now appear to be nothing more than mischief-making.

Meanwhile, count off another invisible person -- Dr. Watson has had no idea that all this time, he's been followed and observed!

[the-amazing-spider-bi]

depersonalization/derealization, part i.

i. wiki ii. out of body by jodie howard for unreal iii. impostor syndrome by sidney gish iv. diary entry from 2021 v. normal people by sally rooney vi. disconnected part 2 by inkipiri vii. coming soon by annie dirusso viii. wiki ix. impostor syndrome by sidney gish x. normal people by sally roony xi. poem submitted to dissociart xii. art by rubyetc xiii. poem submitted to dissociart

[mesetacadre]

The arrival of the XI International Brigade in Madrid

The XI Brigade finished their very rushed training the 3rd of November. It was composed of three batallions: Edgar André (Austro-German), Paris Commune (Franco-Belgian), and Dombrowski (Polish-Balkan), under the command of general Kléber, a Ukranian Jew member of Soviet military intelligence, real name Manfred Stern. The three batallions in turn were led by Hans Kahle, Jules Dumont, and Boleslav Ulanovski, respectively. That very same day, president of the Republic Largo Caballero gave the order to the XI Brigade to go to Madrid. In the night from the 4th to the 5th, went by train from Albacete to Alcázar de San Juan, and from there were shuttled by truck to the towns of Vallecas and Vicálvaro, where they were posted for three days. Even there, to the west of Madrid, they experienced the bombs and planes of the fascistic side, they were looming over Madrid.

The 7th of November, as they had feared, general Valeria had launched an assault on Madrid with 5 columns. 2 advanced on the southern bridges, while the other 3 attempted to take the open spaces around Casa de Campo in the east, take the French Bridge and access Madrid through the new university campus, and the neighborhoods of Argüelles and Cuatro Caminos. That very same day, what came to be known as the miracle of the Defense of Madrid started.

1,900 international volunteers traveled from Vallecas to Atocha Station, in Madrid's southwest edge. When they took formation in the station's esplanade, they did not know the results of the previous day's fighting, not even if the city had already been accessed. While they had a warm coffee and it rained lightly but coldly, they were able to see Stalin's portrait hanging on the National Hotel's facade. After a rally by Kléber, and the rain had stopped, they began their march towards the northeast. As they marched through the streets, some people warned them not to slip on the wet streets. It was early in a Sunday morning, but as it moved to midday, more people began to populate the streets, and cheers began to be heard from windows. From Atocha, they marched through the Paseo del Prado to Cibeles fountain, they turned into Gran Vía up to Telefónica's building. From here, all foreign correspondents would transmit their reports, and its height served as an advantageous position to spot for the artillery. It also received numerous strikes from the fascist artillery.

Along the Gran Vía, New Zealander correspondent for the London Chronicle, Geoffrey Cox, heard shouts "Long live the Russians!". He saw women with teary cheeks from emotion, one of them raised her small daughter, who raised her fist. The Yugoslav Veljko Ribar (Karl Anger) would note "Those old ladies with closed fists filled us with bravery and determination". Cox, who heard orders being shouted in French, noticed they were not Russians.

Once at the city's east, the battalions distributed themselves as follows: The Paris Commune Battalion defended the sector between the San Fernando Bridge and the Faculty of Philosophy; the Dombrowski Battalion was in the center, between the Faculties of Philosophy and Medicine; the Edgar André defended the front between the Model Jail and Cisneros roundabout, with their main focus being the French Bridge and the East Park. The 11th of November, according to the diary of Kléber's helper, Gustavo Durán, the fascist artilleray began to batter their positions at 12:20 with 10'5" and 15'5" shells.

The official report for the night of the 8th says: "The columns that defend Madrid in the south and southwest have suffered a terrible attack, carried out by effective forces with air support and tanks. Our forces have valiantly weathered the clash, maintaining their positions along the entire front. At midday, the Republican troops made a counterattack, taking new positions and capturing a tank along with its occupants. Morale is excellent, and today has been a harsh trial, the enemy has ended it gravely broken". The arrival of the XI Brigade fortified this morale, and in the 9th it had to defend against the first charge: Valera's forces crossed the Manzanares river through the French bridge and made it all the way to the Model Jail (today the headquarters of the Air Force). Heavy fighting ensued, in which both Spanish and International forces participated, but by next morning, the remaining assailants were forced to retreat back across the river.

Translated, adapted, and expanded from the first volume of International Brigades' Sites in the Center of Madrid, Vol. 1, published by the Association of the International Brigades' Friends

[curiousb]

The Kellynch Hall Yearbook: Volume XI

Nothing says that you've finally made the break from your parental home like holding your own raucous house party - complete with arguments over fish.

Keziah's preferred beverage for the morning after the night before is a strong coffee.

Sally on the other hand goes for a bit of 'hair of the dog'.

Louie and Edward just have the munchies. Is Louie judging him for his table manners, just a bit?

We learn that William has no discernible musical talent.

Marmaduke is still wondering why the ladies haven't fallen for his obvious and multiple charms.

Sally and William indulge in a bit of Watcher worship. And who can blame them - I'm just so good to my Sims!

Of all the Kellynch students though, Keziah and Nathan are probably having the most memorable year.

And she has so much to tell her diary about her experience so far of being a young adult! (Has anyone else noticed that all Sims are left-handed?)

Is William just feeling a little left out of the lovefest, however?

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

4/22

today was one of the best days we’ve had in a while. earlier this morning i wrote in my diary about how i missed feeling what i used to feel with H, that i was screaming yes, and that i felt very guilty for loving him that way despite wishing to feel that way again. and somehow that manifested itself.

he’s growing out his beard again, and when i saw it i wanted to throw up. but in a good way. he looked so good in fact i started whispering hail mary under my breath. when he was stood in front of me, i couldn’t help but smile up at him. i felt that same feeling of being overwhelmed that he existed i felt when i knew i loved him. he complimented my warm up answer and just like that, we were back. back like we’d never left.

later, he came up to me. bent at the waist to be close to my face, and spoke to me first. i don’t remember the last time he spoke to me first. it felt sort of like an honor. for some context, i wrote H a letter asking him to come to the teacher appreciation game and how much i appreciated him last week.

H: when’s your next softball game ?

me: tuesday

H: any other games ?

me: thursday, are you going ?

H: what about friday ?

me, shaking my head: are you going on thursday still ?

H: it’s the only thing i go to all year, but i’ll probably only stay for 30 minutes.

me, now desperate: what, why ?! please stay.

H: i have shit to do !

me: like what ?!

he sighs and then walks away. i frown to myself and start my class work. maybe 15 seconds later, he comes back. bent at the waist again.

H: what time do your games usually end ?

me: around 6 ish.

H, nodding: okay.

he said it with a tone that said he’d come and stay for the whole game. i can’t describe how i was feeling in that moment. something along the lines of my heart went soaring far above my head and no matter how hard i tried to squint and crane my neck to see it, i couldn’t. my head wanted to loll backwards and i felt suspended. i felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

a little while after that, me and him kept talking. but sometimes me and him talk so fast with each other that we end up interrupting the other, and this was no different. i interrupted him and he quieted down for a second, allowing me to speak, and my friend sitting next to me said “let him finish !” and his face went red and his eyes shot open and he stumbled on his words as he tried to regain composure. me and my friend giggled for a second as we’d realized what she’d said.

this has gotta be something, right ? it can’t be nothing. i won’t let it be nothing.

[verona2314]

Judgment of the Damned (translation) Chapter 18

link chapter 17

Summary:

In the realm of Limbo, where souls deemed too good for Hell but not virtuous enough for Heaven reside, Victoria finds herself thrust into an unprecedented mission. When a notorious sinner, Sir Pentious, achieves redemption and ascends to Heaven, it sends shockwaves through all realms. Tasked with unraveling this mystery, Victoria, a minor judge of souls, is sent to the infamous Hazbin Hotel in Hell. For the first time, an emissary from Limbo steps foot into the fiery depths, tasked with observing and judging the denizens of Hell for their potential for redemption. As Victoria navigates this unfamiliar territory, she captures the unrequired attention of the enigmatic Radio Demon, Alastor. Amidst the chaos of demonic antics and the pursuit of understanding redemption, Victoria must confront her own beliefs and judgments. As she delves deeper into the secrets of the Hazbin Hotel, Victoria uncovers hidden truths about sinners, redemption, and the ultimate fate of souls caught between damnation and salvation. With each soul she encounters, Victoria's journey becomes not only a quest for answers but a personal voyage of self-discovery in the heart of darkness.

Chapter 18: Complications

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Hello! This time I'm posting a bit earlier because I won't have signal over the weekend. I wish you all the best! As always, thank you for reading and don't hesitate to leave your comments.

What has been your favorite chapter, scene, or dialogue?"

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Aody's Diary

What Is Happening to Me? Is a fog covering my thoughts? Why can’t I say anything coherent? Why have I been reduced to a professional babbler? What have you done to me? Why do I long for your face, your smile, your scent, and your gaze? Why do I desire you with such overwhelming intensity?

My ordeal began after my conversation with Seilmon. At first, he didn’t seem very convinced, but after presenting my arguments, he agreed to give me permission to descend into hell. I had heard many rumors from the minor judges who dealt with the beings of those realms more frequently. However, the scene I encountered was very different from what I had imagined.

Hell is nothing like heaven. It is dirty, chaotic, noisy, and unrestrained... but it is also full of vigor and unpredictability, which fills me with excitement. Red is abundant, but in shades so varied I never imagined possible. It is a marvelous color. Unfortunately, my first day was not incident-free as on more than one occasion they tried to take advantage of my naivety. I am sure Dagmar will be furious when she finds out… Anyway, luckily, a friendly imp took me to Lucifer’s palace, sparing me further setbacks. Once there, I expected to be received by an imposing, firm, and confident king of hell. Instead, I found a nervous, cheerful, and friendly Lucifer. The one who really surprised me was Lilith. The first woman stood with admirable elegance and dignity, demonstrating a strong will and the desire to rise as high as possible despite her situation. Her enigmatic smile and gaze allowed me to perceive great cunning and intelligence. And I could only feel that she and Lucifer were, indeed, the perfect couple. Could it be that the Almighty planned it that way?

Without digressing much, I understood that the one who had directed the growth and development of hell was the queen, with the support of Lucifer, although the archangel seems increasingly dim and pessimistic, which contrasts with Lilith’s enthusiasm. She carries a great weight on her shoulders. I hope Lucifer can find relief in his sadness, because otherwise, it will only consume him, slowly taking away every source of joy in his complex reality.

Lilith received me with great kindness and enthusiasm. We talked a lot about the future of hell. Some of her ideas seemed extreme to me. Allowing direct contact between sinners and minor judges of Limbo to speed up processes? Impossible. No supreme judge would allow it. I didn’t want to break her illusions, so I just listened attentively… It was very intriguing.

Late at night, the queen of hell introduced me to a member of the nobility. Prince Seire, in command of 26 legions. The only word that came to mind when I saw him was “beautiful.” Seire was tasked with guiding me through hell and being my escort. At first, I had doubts because I had no idea how to interact with his kind, but the noble turned out to be someone of good nature, indifferent to good and evil, a lover of horseback riding, and with a great sense of humor. As the days went by, I began to miss his presence and long for our rides. Every word that came out of his mouth hypnotized me with an ease I am ashamed of. He helped me see that sinners were not inherently evil creatures devoid of all light, but rather humans who had made bad decisions and that, given the right circumstances, everyone was capable of vile acts. I understood that absolute evil was an exception.  Seire’s compassion was a balm for my soul. I had never felt understood by anyone. We both seek the best in people and to ease the pain their wounds cause them. I am captivated by the prince and the tenderness he shows in caring for his son. He is a wonderful father. But lately, I cannot control these feelings, and my brain stops working whenever he is near, even worse when he smiles at me with that mischievous look, making the charm of those eyes shine even more! I don’t want to return to Limbo; I don’t want to be away from him. But on the other hand, my heart aches because I see no way for Seire to reciprocate these feelings. How could he? I am a Supreme Judge of Limbo. I cannot have preferences or bonds. Besides, I am just a weak sentimentalist, as Dagmar would say. Despair is painful, but the addictiveness of these emotions prevents me from staying away. I am... I am in love. Seire is my curse, and I love it.

Vox

“SHIT!” he exclaimed, sitting in his office. How was it possible that the judge had rejected his invitation to appear on television? It was humiliating and unacceptable. Who did she think she was? Didn't she realize the great opportunity she was missing? It’s not like she had refused to have a conversation with him, but she wanted nothing to do with spotlights and cameras. The worst part was that her popularity was increasing just because she was a novelty and, of course... her skills.

“If you keep yelling like that, your antenna is going to get damaged,” Valentino mocked. “Why do you care so much about this judge?”

“Because she’s a valuable ally,” Vox replied with some brusqueness. He had been in a bad mood for days, and his patience was exhausted. “You’ve seen what she’s capable of. And according to the information obtained, she could modify or even nullify a contract. Do you realize how dangerous and beneficial that is? But the damn bitch won’t cooperate!”

“Hmm, is that really all there is to it? Or is there something more?” Valentino asked, lighting a cigarette.

“What do you mean by that? Of course not! It just makes my blood boil that fucking Alastor got into my plans again and ruined everything with his shitty radio.”

“Ah, I see. Does it bother you that the deer has a new toy? Do you want to take it from him? You’re being a bit petty.”

“Don’t say stupid things!” Vox grumbled, crossing his arms as he turned his chair to look out the window. Partly, Valentino was right. He hated that Alastor made her appear on his broadcast. Not only because it had ruined his plans, but also because it showed a certain camaraderie on the radio demon’s part, and knowing him, it wasn’t out of mere altruism. No. Alastor had an interest in the judge, and Vox wouldn’t allow him to obtain it. The problem was that he couldn’t even figure out what that interest was. Besides, deep down, he felt a certain envy because Alastor had never invited him to his show.

“You two don’t know how to think,” Velvette grumbled, miraculously taking her eyes off her phone for a few moments. “Don’t you know that fast fame is easy to tear down? Ruin her reputation, and she’ll come crying to you to fix her image. Or find some secret of the bitch and blackmail her with revealing it. The only thing that matters is that she’s not on the side of the princess or that Bambi, because that’s a risk for us and our plans.”

Val nodded in approval of the girl’s words, but Vox felt his irritation grow. He took a deep breath before letting out a long sigh and smiling.

“Velvette, dear,” he said in a conciliatory voice. “Do you think I didn’t think of that? But it turns out, ehem, impossible to discover something about a person who has NEVER lived here. She’s a fucking being from Limbo. A CELESTIAL. If she had any stain, that information would be guarded in Limbo.”

“And an enemy from the past, perhaps?” interrupted an unknown voice that echoed throughout the office in a deep and unnatural tone.

Vox immediately turned towards the voice. It was a hooded figure whose presence he hadn’t noticed. How had he managed to enter without being noticed? The intruder walked slowly until he took a seat in front of his desk. Vox felt a chill run through his body. This person did not have good intentions.

“Who the fuck are you?” Valentino said threateningly, pointing one of his guns at the unwanted guest.

“No one important. I’ve just come to negotiate,” replied the enigmatic presence. “I recommend putting that toy away.”

“Toy? You’re going to see your mother fucki…”

“Val,” Vox interrupted, looking around. Velvette seemed calm, but all her attention was focused on the strange visitor. Vox felt a drop of sweat run down his back. He tried to identify any features under the hood, but it was complete darkness. However, he was interested in hearing the proposal, so he made every effort to compose himself. “So, you said an enemy from the past?”

“Precisely,” the stranger continued. His voice was neutral and androgynous. “A resident of hell who arrived a couple of years ago. He holds a lot of grudge against the dear judge.”

“What? That doesn’t make sense,” Velvette interrupted. “Why would a mere sinner have issues with a judge from Limbo? It’s the first time one has come to hell.”

“I can’t blame you for your ignorance,” the mysterious person said simply. “It’s not the first time an emissary from Limbo has walked among us. But that has nothing to do with Judge Victoria. But this sinner… is a ticking time bomb.”

“I imagine none of this is free. What do you want in return?” Valentino inquired.

“For the moment, just to cause her some problems. She is a… risk to my interests. Find the sinner I’m talking about, and you’ll be able to discover the secrets of the judge. That way, you’ll have her eating out of the palm of your hands.”

“I don’t buy that you just want to bother her a little. You want her out of the game,” Vox deduced. He didn’t like being told half-truths. Besides, he had to try to get some benefit out of the situation. But the mysterious person did not respond. Instead, he stood up and slowly walked towards the door. Vox sighed. It seemed he hadn’t had any luck. He didn’t like the idea of getting involved with someone who gave him such a bad vibe, but he didn’t have a better option. “What is the name of the sinner?”

“Joshep Cooper,” the person replied, opening the door. “Regarding your observation… in short, what I want is simple. Eliminate all the judges of Limbo,” his interlocutor confessed, revealing for a few seconds a macabre smile before closing the door and disappearing from his sight.

Vox’s eyes were fixed on the door, shocked by what he had just heard. Was his sound input damaged? Had he heard correctly? Was it possible to erase a celestial from Limbo from existence?

“What the fuck?” Velvette exclaimed, checking her phone. “He doesn’t appear on the security cameras,” she pointed out, showing her companion the screen of her phone, which displayed different frames with the camera recordings.

“Ghosts don’t exist, right?” Valentino said, shaking off a shiver.

“Of course not,” Vox confirmed with some doubt in his voice. Who was this person? Or rather, what?

Victoria

The embrace had been more than unexpected. Alastor leaned closer to her, while the crackling air indicated an unspoken tension. Her amber eyes widened in surprise, remaining completely still, trying to process the situation. Were the walls of the radio demon crumbling? If so, what were the implications? Confusion swirled within her. The broadcaster's touch was surprisingly warm, sending a shiver throughout her being. It was a sensation she couldn’t fully decipher, a mix of surprise and a strange, unfamiliar warmth. Her ears were deafened by the erratic beating of her own heart against her chest. This wasn’t part of the plan.

“What the hell are you doing to me, Victoria?” Alastor’s voice growled in a low tone against her ear, laden with raw emotion that sent shivers through her again. He was not the calculating and mocking being she had come to know. His words were a stark contrast to his usual confident behavior.

“Alastor, I…”

He interrupted her, his voice close to her ear again. “Don’t answer. Just... stay still.” His grip tightened, a possessive embrace that comforted and unsettled her at the same time. The conflicting emotions were as disturbing as the sudden change in the red demon’s behavior. “How dare you, Victoria?... How can you bring old memories to the surface with such audacity? Do you want to lay bare the scars of past wounds? Are you willing to resort to something so perverse just to achieve your goal? I should be angry with you, but instead… I want to hear more.”

Victoria was speechless, but curiously, a strange sense of calm washed over her. She decided to interrupt the moment with a soft yet firm voice. “I am trying to understand you, Alastor. Maybe my method was rough, but sometimes the past holds the key to understanding the present. It’s my duty to understand you.”

“Your duty?” the broadcaster responded, chuckling dryly, producing a humorless sound. “Very... proper of a judge, Victoria. Always so focused on maintaining order and propriety, aren’t you?” He pulled back slightly, his crimson eyes searching hers.

“Perhaps, in your case, the curiosity you stir in me plays an important role,” she admitted, looking away. Had she gone too far with her methods? “You are an enigma, a walking contradiction. You claim to find amusement in chaos, yet you possess a knowledge that borders on... depth. You crave control, but seem disturbed by a connection from your past.”

Alastor laughed, a low rumble that vibrated through her. It wasn’t the cruel, mocking laugh she had heard before. This one had a touch of something else. “Depth, hmm?” The radio demon tilted his head. “Perhaps you give me too much credit, dear judge. Or perhaps... not enough. And a connection?” He continued, this time mocking, his voice tinged with a bitterness that seemed forced. “Don’t be ridiculous. That bridge burned a long time ago.”

Victoria shook her head. That couldn’t be. His abnormal reaction was evidence that the memory of his mother still caused something strong within him. “Do you really believe that the being who existed before the Radio Demon, the one with a name chosen with love, is completely lost?” Victoria insisted, cursing herself. Why couldn’t she hold her tongue? Alastor was right. She had brought up the topic of his mother knowing it could cause him pain. She felt guilty, but something inside her prevented her from stopping.

“What do you know of that being, Victoria?” Alastor responded, snorting with disdain. “He disappeared a long time ago, consumed by hell in life and in this existence. Life, no, existence itself is a crucible. It strips away illusions, leaving only the raw core of a being. What you see before you is the mere product. There is nothing more.”

“The past shapes us, Alastor. Even someone like you.” The Overlord’s gaze flickered momentarily with a glint that Victoria caught, a glimpse of something dark and turbulent beneath the surface. It was fleeting but solidified the judge’s suspicions. Alastor was not just a sadistic showman. There was depth to him, a well of pain he desperately tried to hide.

Alastor snorted, but there was a flash of something in his eyes, a spark of something she couldn’t yet define. “You delve too deeply, my dear Victoria. Be careful not to lose yourself in the abyss you seek to explore. You’re walking a dangerous path. Delving into the past is a pastime best left to the damned,” the broadcaster responded, leaving her at arm’s length. Victoria couldn’t decipher the emotions swirling in those crimson eyes. Was this a power play, a calculated move to destabilize her, or something else?

“And you,” she replied, meeting his gaze with defiance, “be careful not to let the abyss consume you entirely. There is still a spark of light within you, Alastor. Don’t you feel it? Even the most cynical heart can yearn for something more.” She met his gaze head-on.

“You are... troublesome,” the Overlord finally whispered, his voice rough with unexpressed emotions. He remained silent, his expression neutral. The tension in the air was palpable, dense, and heavy. Then, with a sigh that seemed to shake the very room, Alastor released her. “You see through me, Victoria. You see things no one else has seen.”

Victoria felt her heart race at that confession. What was happening? “You’re not completely lost, Alastor. I don’t know if there’s a possibility of redemption for you. But for now, my judgment is that you’re not a hopeless case.”

“Ha! Hope? That persistent fly that has a way of buzzing at the edges of even the most jaded soul. But let me assure you, Victoria, I harbor no illusions. This place is a cesspool, and its inhabitants are no better. You’re wasting your time. There’s no redemption to be found here, only the slow and agonizing decay of all that is good and decent.”

“Alastor,” Victoria insisted, “this unexpected... event tells me that maybe you yearn for something more than simple entertainment. Perhaps you crave a connection, someone who understands the darkness within you, just as you seem to understand the complexities within me.”

Suddenly, Alastor pulled away, the warmth of his presence disappearing like a cruel phantom. His voice, when he spoke, was laden with a barely concealed growl. “Do not mistake this, Victoria,” he said, his words sharp and cutting. “What happened changes nothing. This is nothing more than a simple game, a way to pass the time in this monotonous existence. My goals remain unchanged.”

For some reason, Alastor’s words made her feel a pang of pain and shame. For the first time in a long while, Victoria let her emotions flow through her facial expressions. “So do mine! But walls have a way of crumbling, don’t they? Even yours. You can’t deny that your behavior is... out of line,” she blurted out without thinking.

Victoria felt a slight dizziness when a flash of something resembling pain crossed Alastor’s features before his expression returned completely to a mask of indifference. “Out of line, you say?” he mocked, a sardonic edge to his voice. “Maybe it’s you who’s out of line, Judge. Didn’t you come here seeking to understand the depths of Hell? Well, consider this a glimpse into the abyss.”

The broadcaster’s words were laced with a bitterness that surprised her, but her pride overcame the shock. Victoria narrowed her eyes, refusing to be intimidated. “Exactly, but that doesn’t mean I’ll tolerate deceit and manipulation,” she retorted. “If there’s going to be any understanding, it has to be built on honesty and transparency, things you seem to reject even though you secretly crave them.”

Alastor’s eyes narrowed, a dangerous glint emerging in them. The air crackled with sudden tension. Just when Victoria braced herself for his anger, a slow smile spread across his face. “You’re persistent, aren’t you, Judge?” he laughed, the sound devoid of amusement. “Very well. Perhaps you’ve earned a glimpse behind the curtain. But be careful, Victoria; what you see may not be what you expect. And don’t be surprised if all you find is a bottomless abyss that consumes everything it touches.”

Victoria sighed, giving in. She took a few steps back, needing air, feeling her head heavy with the frustration Alastor caused her. It wasn’t just his persistent refusal to acknowledge that there was more to him than he believed. No, it was also the conflict of emotions his proximity caused. Was she attracted to him? How foolish. Alastor only sought to manipulate her with his sudden gesture, to unbalance and leave her vulnerable. She reprimanded herself for her weakness, gritting her teeth to contain the shame. Frowning, she looked at the radio demon to give, hopefully, her final response. “Trust, even in its most fragile form, is a necessary foundation for any kind of... collaboration.”

Alastor let out a sharp sigh, a sound that seemed laden with frustration and something deeper, more unsettling. Victoria wanted to walk away, to create as much distance between them as possible, but to her surprise, Alastor gently took her wrist.

“Victoria...” he called softly, almost a whisper, as one of his hands rested on her cheek and then slid tremulously to her nape, tangling his long fingers in her brown hair. “You speak of trust and transparency, but you can’t even tell me why your blood isn’t silver. You want to tear down my walls without giving me a bit of that trust.”

She opened her eyes wide, her pupils trembling as she studied Alastor’s face. He had a very valid point. How hypocritical she had been. The radio demon’s eyes seemed to show genuineness despite that usual smile remaining. How could he have such expressive eyes? She wanted to believe his words, to trust, but she simply couldn’t. She couldn’t blindly place her trust in someone, not again. Moreover, she couldn’t ignore that the reason why Alastor had hugged her remained a mystery. Was it a desperate attempt at control, a moment of vulnerability, a test of her resolve, or perhaps something else? Now wasn’t the time to take risks. If she made a mistake, the entire redemption project and the potential purgatory could be reduced to ashes. She needed to be the judge first, not Victoria.

“Alastor... Our interactions have been... stimulating, to say the least. But I think it would be wise to maintain a professional distance,” she stated, forcing herself to regain her calm and dignified demeanor.

Disappointment flickered across Alastor’s face, a flash so quickly masked by his usual theatricality that Victoria almost doubted she had seen it at all. “Professional distance, you say?” He chuckled, an uncomfortable sound. “How fitting of you. The problem, my judge, is that your closeness brings me calm. It relaxes me. Our conversations entertain me so much that I always look forward to the moment we can match wits again. Your depth of thought fascinates me. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? But I think the way you challenge me makes me question many things about myself, and in doing so, I’ve come to know myself better.”

"What are you trying to say? What do you want from me?" Victoria's head was spinning. Her stomach felt tight, and she had an urgent need to breathe.

"I don't know. But you can't deny there's a mutual understanding between us. With just one look, you can understand many things about me, and I about you. I'm your greatest ally, Victoria, don't forget that. You can flutter around Hell, meeting sinners, attending concerts and events, but at the end of the day, the only one who can see all that you are, is me. That includes your darkness, that ambitious side of yours. You'd do well not to neglect our friendship, my dear Judge."

Victoria could feel Alastor's hand sinking deeper into her hair, causing her heart to beat faster. Could it be that the radio demon genuinely appreciated her as more than just a pawn in his game? No. It couldn't be. The judge prayed it wasn't the case because otherwise, everything would be much more complicated. There was too much at stake to think about feelings, especially if they involved the radio host. He was a dangerous variable.

Victoria took another deep breath to suppress the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts invading her. She delicately removed Alastor's hand and then spoke to him in a detached voice, "I wasn't aware our camaraderie had turned into friendship. But I suppose that's no problem. Being you, I don't think I have another choice."

"Oh, don't think I decided this willingly, Judge. Some things just naturally arise whether we can avoid them or not," Alastor replied, returning to his usual self, as if unaffected by Victoria ignoring his moment of honesty” or dismissed it.

Victoria didn't respond to the radio demon's statement, who calmly walked over to the corner shelves filled with boxes. He picked one up and examined its contents.

"Aha! As always, Rosie was right," Alastor exclaimed enthusiastically. "This color definitely suits you better. I must say, dear, I'm looking forward to going to the concert with you. Oh, don't give me that confused look, Victoria. Do you really think I'd let you go alone, knowing how exposed you'll be? Your companion might try to take advantage of you in the darkness of the theater."

"What on earth are you talking about now, Alastor?" she replied, using all her willpower not to lose patience. "Don't you get tired of inventing problems?"

"Invent?" Alastor exclaimed, feigning dramatic offense. "Of course not. Who do you take me for? I have evidence that substantiates and supports my concern."

"What evidence?" she replied, crossing her arms.

"Your appearance in a magazine and its list proclaiming that you, dear Judge, are among the most... coveted women in the city. Aren't you going to admit that's concerning?"

"You! That... I...," Victoria tried to string together something coherent, but the sensation of her cheeks reddening with embarrassment disrupted her concentration. "Don't exaggerate. They put me at number 100. The last place."

"Yes, true. How unfortunate for you, isn't it?" Alastor said mockingly.

"Don't mock me! Besides, why do you even know that? Don't tell me you read those kinds of magazines. I didn't expect that from you," she inquired, attempting to strike back.

"Of course not! I don't waste my time reading those absurd and unrefined magazines that Angel enjoys so much. It's my personal cross to burn each one of them," the radio demon replied, frowning. Victoria raised an eyebrow, not understanding why he had such a strong aversion to a few sheets of paper. Alastor cleared his throat and adjusted his coat. "Anyway. I'll go with you to that concert. One can never be too cautious. Who's your companion?"

"Alastor, I don't have a companion as such. The pianist invited me to the concert," Victoria finally said, letting Alastor know there was no reason for him to worry.

"Splendid! It means there's no seat taken next to you. All for your safety, dear Judge."

Victoria was about to protest when she heard the door open. Rosie peeked her head in and smiled broadly at them.

"Sorry for taking so long," the Overlord said. "There were many customers. Did you at least make good use of the time?"

"Definitely, dear. Very productive," Alastor replied, walking toward the stairs without waiting for Victoria. "But I would advise you, dear Rosie, to be careful when going down to the basement. You wouldn't want to end up locked in there the next time."

"I'll keep that in mind," replied the owner of the emporium with a wide smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TAGLIST!!

@slytherin4ever

@empressofashed ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[sizhui]

I am so autistic about my books if I don't take them out and rearrange them once a week its over for me 🙂‍↕️ listed under the cut for the like minded

Mo Xiang Tong Xiu: The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System (1-4), Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation (1-5), Heaven Official's Blessing (1-8) [Legally buying MXTX's entire opus may just be the worst thing I have ever done, and I ran Stardoll scams of young children when I was in middle school]

Rou Bao Bu Chi Rou: Remnants of Filth (1-2), The Husky & His White Cat Shizun (1)

Meng Xi Shi: Thousand Autumns (1)

Gothic & Lolita Bible, volume 45

CLAMP: Cardcaptor Sakura (Collector's edition), volume 3

Min Jin Lee: Pachinko

Charlotte Brontë: Jane Eyre

Nakahara Chuuya: Collected Poems (Translated and edited by Paul Mackintosh and Maki Sugiyama)

Franz Kafka: The Metamorphosis (and other stories) (translated by Cristopher Moncrieff)

Pat Barker: The Silence of the Girls

R. F. Kuang: Babel

Masashi Kishimoto: Naruto (volumes 22 & 24)

Yoshihiro Togashi: Hunter x Hunter (volumes 8, 14 & 36)

The Diary of Lady Murasaki (Translated by Richard Bowring)

Silvia Moreno-Garcia: Mexican Gothic

Milivoj Solar: Literary Theory

Sophocles: Tragedies (volume 1, edited by David Greene and Richmond Lattimore)

Liu Cixin: Death's End, The Three-body Problem (translated by Ken Liu)

Veljko Gortan, Oton Gorski & Pavao Pauš: The Latin Grammar

Masashi Kishimoto & Shin Towada: Sasuke's Story [Sunrise]

Osamu Dazai: No Longer Human (translated by Donald Keene)

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: Faust (1-2)

The Penguin Book of the Prose Poem

Oyinkan Braithwaite: My Sister, the Serial Killer

Toni Morrison: Love

Joan Anim-Addo, Deirdre Osborne & Kadija Sesay: This is the Canon: Decolonize Your Bookshelves in 50 Books

Ovid: The Metamorphoses

Zen Cho: Black Water Sister

Judy I. Lin: A Magic Steeped in Poison

Sue Lynn Tan: Daughter of the Moon Goddess, Heart of the Sun Warrior

Xiran Jay Zhao: Iron Widow

Kazuo Ishiguro: Klara and the Sun

Toni Adeyemi: Children of Blood and Bone

N. K. Jemisin: The Fifth Season

[19dayz]

Zhan Zi Qian: If there’s anything that you’ve been hiding from me or lying to me about tell me now I promise I won’t get angry.

Zhan Zheng Xi: Okay I guess I’ll go first. I read your diary when we were kids, do you still wanna marry Aladdin?

Zhan Zi Qian: ……

Zhan Zheng Xi: You don’t have to answer.

He Tian: I also read your diary once, but it was when we were older. It was today actually, like an hour ago. I picked it up by accident then I really got sucked in, you’re an excellent writer.

Zhan Zi Qian: ……

Jian Yi: I stole your sketchers shape ups because they made me look taller

Mo Guan Shan: You wear the same shoe size as Lil Zhan?

Jian Yi: No I ball my foot up like a little fist that’s not the point.

[3m0t10nal-cr1s1s]

9 fandom facts to get to know you better

Tagged by @poldrawer :33

3 ships I like:

Ruikasa (Project Sekai)

Haikaveh (Genshin Impact)

Jinmao (Apothecary Diaries)

3 ships I like from current fandom:

Ronghao (Xu Rongyuan x Mu Linghao) [I find them cute]

Shangjin (Shang Xingjian x Jin Ruohong) [I think the dynamic is funny]

Ruochuan (Ling Ruo x Mu Lingchuan) [I like the girlboss x boyfailure dynamic]

First ship ever:

Moonbli (Moonwatcher x Qibli from Wings of Fire)

Last song I heard:

Hello worker, Leo/need cover

Favorite childhood book:

Witches by Roald Dahl

Currently reading:

On Writing by Stephen King

Currently watching:

The Apothecary Diaries anime

Currently eating:

Ruffles

Currently craving:

Fries 😔😔

Thank you for tagging me, Xi ge 🥺🥺

I don't have anyone to tag so I guess if you wanna participate, go ahead!