#wow they would hurt someone
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man I realize how much Yellow VS Pink episodes in Power rangers
-Trini and Kimberly over the club
-Cassie and Ashley over cleaning
-Kendrix and Maya over Damon’s cake
-Dana and Kelsey over the whole model job
-Emma and Gia over.. (I mean that one was a spell so)
Man Saban sure liked making the yellows and Pinks fight
#In the Disney Era#I don’t think any of the yellows and pinks fought for an episode idea#Despite how different they were to each other#Syd and Z insulted each other occasionally but they still got along pretty well#Chip and Vida are best friends. They snapped at each other once but got over it#Rose and Ronny.. I mean they shared some mutual confusion and hugs with each other#Power rangers mighty Morphin#power rangers in space#power rangers lost galaxy#power rangers lightspeed rescue#power rangers megaforce#Also dam#The pink rangers insults#wow they would hurt someone
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When someone says JohnLock is canon in *insert adaptation* but it's just one-sided, unrequited love johnlock
#irregulars johnlock#im talking to you#i got fooled by this gifset of john saying he always loved sherlock and then proceeded to watch the most fucked piece of johnlock i have#ever consumed. it was bad enough that sherlock didnt return johns feelings but for him to love someone else? i....wow. hurted like hell#granted there was only one season and there was a possibility that maybe it would turn diff but for the season we got it was so painful#i cried when watson talked about watching sherlock fall in love with someone else in front of him omg#and yes i just finished watching the irregulars (i love the paranormal detective genre) but the johnlock part just made me sad#sherlock#sherlock holmes#john watson#johnlock#the irregulars#bbc sherlock#the private life of sherlock holmes
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i hope in future multidoctor crossovers that ten and thirteen both get lumped into being the emo phase doctors. embarrassing cringe ass emotionally constipated idiots. putting them at their own table in a corner while the other doctors judge them about it (<- also so terrible at emotions but at least theyre subtle about it.) theyre both pouting, bundled up in the giant coats, refusing to acknowledge each other.
#ten & thirteen 2 me are like. thats twinsies right there. thats the same guy. thats the same guy but perpendicular.#(tenth doctor voice) wow every time i love someone it hurts me and makes me worse <3#(thirteenth doctor voice) oh i have a solution for that. never love anyone. this is a normal response and totally wont backfire on us.#so soo bad at being normal about anything ever. theyre like cats who would bite each others ears but sleep in the same bed to me.#i know theres a thirteen/ten crossover comic i saw it at the store the other day. i need to read it.#thirteenth doctor#tenth doctor
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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everyone agrees that the patriarchy teaches men to hide their emotions, and that this is a bad thing, so why is it that when men actually show an emotion everyone jumps to call him an abuser or manipulator or whatever :\
#99.txt#im so sick of this#you all have no faith in people. you just see the word boyfriend or he pronouns and go !!ABUSER!! DUMP HIM! and dont see how there could be#any negative reprocusions of that................#i still cant forget that ANONYMOUS message where someones boyfriend was worried they were cheating. & the person who got the ask was like#''wow HE'S definitely the one cheating.''#on an ANONYMOUS message ????? how could you possibly say that with confidence with ZERO information ?#some guy was worried and thats what you have to say ????? and you act like you have no hand in men supressing themselves ?#someone who might have had mental health problems or have been cheated on before and been hurt. like.#whoa call me a red flag or whatever for saying this but. no one would say that if it was a woman ! no one !#we all have a hand in society and we all have a hand in the patriarchy and if you dont get your head out of your ass and wise up#then ur just gona get more people hurt#i know circumstances are different sometimes but you actually DO need to consider how you would feel if the tables were turned !!!!#if you still feel the same thats fine ! it was a good thought exercise !!!#but you need to consider these things even if they are uncomfortable to you 🤨 in order to challenge your mind#this is how we get those bullshit ''crying is a manipulation tactic 🥺'' takes#im SICK OF IT !!!!!! everyone use your brain NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#stop assuming everyone is the worst person NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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rewatched arrival for the hundredth time. this movie never fails to gut punch me with its approach to determinism. louise embracing her future that she knows every moment of, despite the tremendous loss and pain it contains, with open arms. she doesn't hesitate, or ruminate on how she can try and change it. she accepts it all, the good and the bad, because what she gains is worth it, so many times over for her. she steels herself against a certain future and runs forward to meet it all, to love, learn, and lose, and trusts and leans on herself to live through it all. because that's what life is; it's the joy and the suffering. to try and isolate the joy alone is madness, futility in its purest definition.
comparing her line of thinking to a palindrome (how she named her daughter, hannah), the movie kept emphasizing, "it's the same backwards as it is forwards." it doesn't matter if you can see the end; life is the same whether you live it "forwards" (without knowledge of the future) or "backwards" (with foresight). it doesn't change the significance of your life experiences; to try and avoid certain future pain just because you have the knowledge of it is a zero sum game. you think you win because you avoided pain, but you also avoided the joy that preceded it. the metamorphosis. so you still lose if you try to win, and vice-versa.
all you can do is rush forward and take it all head-on. see this whole beautiful mess as your one most precious gift; this one life, this one chance, a laughably miniature blip on the colossus that is linear time, to experience all there is to feel before you return back to an eternity without perception. it's all worth it, because only in living a full-fledged life open to everything it has to offer does the experience of living turn out to be greater than the sum of its parts; it's in trying to beat the system (avoid pain) that we actually lose.
"if you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change things?"
"maybe i'd say what i feel more often. i...i don't know."
#arrival 2016#pleaaaaase this movie has a chokehold on me#the perfect sci-fi imo is one that blends the scientific and the emotional realms seamlessly and wow does this do that#this particular movie speaks so personally to me#because i lived so much of my life in stagnation trying to avoid pain i could see on the horizon#a couple of years ago when beginning my last relationship i could see the end as early as 3 months in#you know when you just realize early on there are cracks in the relationship foundation that are not repairable and will only get stressed#the more you build on top of it? yeah#it terrified me like you couldn't believe and i spent so much time in denial and fighting against it#fighting against this future i was intuitively certain would materialize#i watched this movie around that time and decided to just go for it#to not let my intuition rob me of joy in the present#as someone who lived so prudently and always tried to make the “right” choice this was monumental for me and so out of character#for a while i wished i'd just listened to my instincts about how this person would ultimately hurt me so i could avoid the suffering#because i really did have foresight everything i was scared would happen did happen almost to the letter#and i wondered does that make me stupid?#that i marched forward anyway? i didn't have the degree of certainty louise did so i thought i could change things#if i loved hard enough if i was patient enough if i did what i knew in my heart to be the right thing#but it changed nothing#but no i wasn't stupid and i would do it again#because it was still a beautiful experience at its best and it taught me valuable lessons at its worst#i have undoubtedly changed as a person i will never be the same again and THAT is living#not rotting away in an unchanging state. unchanged by joy or mundanity or by adversity. that is not living#undoubtedly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. i never rly agreed with that until i saw this movie#personal#favourite movies#scifi#movies#this applies to everything not just love. take that chance! do the thing that scares you. bc that's the only way to really live#regardless out of the outcome
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ummm um fic recs….in a horrible turn of events garak and bashir have to babysit the ds9 kids?
ive been wracking my brains over how Garak and Julian would end up babysitting a bunch of the kids and I had a hard time figuring out something that would work with Jake and Nog, since theyre older and dont really need a babysitter, so I went with them babysitting Molly and Yoshi! I hope that's alright <3
Garak isn't sure what to expect when he the door to the O'Briens quarters slides open. All he knows is that Julian told him to come, and his only answer to Garak's many questions was to repeat himself with a don't ask just do it tone.
So, Garak had. He'd come. In the middle of the work day, something he's not planning on letting the Doctor forget. He'd come, and he steps inside as the door slides open, and he doesn't know what he was expecting to find here, but it certainly wasn't... this.
Julian is sitting on the floor by the coffee table, the infant Kirayoshi cradled securely in one arm. He also has what appears to be a plastic crown on his head, which is several sizes too small, and perches awkwardly atop his hair. The older of the O'Brien offspring, Molly, is sitting beside him, in what Garak would guess is a human princess costume, all shiny fabric and very, very pink.
Garak comes to pause, considering the scene before him. There are little plastic teacups and plates set out. A few larger plush toys are also around the table, with teacups and plates of their own. It's quite the little set up.
"Good morning, Doctor. Molly," He greets, turning a quizzical raised brow on Julian, "Might I ask why I was called here?"
Julian gives him a look that is very, very tired. "Good morning, Mr. Garak," He replies, "You were called here because you have been invited to Princess Molly's tea party." He informs him.
"Tea party?" Garak echoes.
"I'll explain later," Julian tells him, "Just come sit." He gestures to an open space at the other end of the coffee table.
"Wait!" Molly pipes up, quickly standing. Julian winces at her volume, quietly shushing her as he looks at Kirayoshi, who appears to be sleeping. Garak turns his attention to the child, who holds her head up high and informs him, "You have to bow first."
Garak considers her for a moment. He catches Julian stop himself from laughing in the corner of his eye. Of course, Garak knows about royalty systems, so he knows what a princess is. And he can't imagine himself bowing to one, but Molly has a very stern look on her very little face, and he has a feeling he's in for a fight if he doesn't comply.
He bows. Dramatically, with a flourish. Molly giggles, and the sound is... pleasing.
"Thank you for the invitation, Princess," Garak bids her, continuing to play along as he straightens himself, "May I...?" He gestures to the open seat.
Molly, to his surprise, shakes her head. "Not there," She tells him, "You have to sit with Uncle Julian. Miss Flutterhooves will move." She gestures at the plush sitting on Julian's opposite side- an equine, if he remembers his Earth animals correctly, except this one is... purple, and it has a shiny silver horn protruding from its forehead.
He goes with it. Why not, at this point? He's clearly not getting out of this. "Of course," He says agreeable, stepping closer. Since the plush toy can't move, for obvious reasons, he gently picks it up, "Pardon me, Miss... Flutterhooves," He shoots Julian a quick glance, who nods approvingly, and he proceeds with moving the toy to the open spot at the end of table, and then going to take his own seat beside Julian. He shuffles in as much as possible, awkwardly crossing his legs and trying to keep his knees from tucking under the table, "There we are. This is... very lovely." He compliments as he settles into a somewhat-comfortable position.
"Very lovely," Julian agrees, looking at Molly, "You've done a wonderful job, Princess Molly."
Molly gives Julian a pleased little smile. "Thank you!" She squeaks. Then she suddenly perks up again, like she's heard something, "Oh! I have to go get the tea. It's done sleeping." She stands and, tucking up her skirts like a proper lady, she hurries off to go and... wake the tea, apparently.
"Steeping," Julian offers, as Garak gives him a confused look, "She means steeping."
Garak nods. That doesn't explain... anything else that's going on here. "Tea party?" He asks. Again.
"An old Earth game, of sorts," Julian replies, "Human children commonly pretend to hold tea parties, usually with their parents and their toys involved. Hence," He gestures around the table with his free hand, "All this."
"I see," Garak says, "And I was invited, why...?"
Julian suddenly won't make eye contact. "Molly insisted," He tells him, quick and clearly not the entire truth, "And I just got Kirayoshi to sleep for the first time all day, so I wasn't about to risk Molly getting upset and waking him," He does look at Garak again, this time with a surprising amount of desperation for a man sitting in front of a plastic teacup, with a plastic crown on his head, "He cried for three. Hours. Garak." He stresses each word, exhaustion and desperation oozing from every syllable.
Garak knows of the infant's tendency towards tears. He has no idea how Kirayoshi manages to wail for so long, considering how tiny his lungs are, but he's been able to hear the shrieking from across the promenade.
"I'm not sure the Chief would approve my being here," He points out, "Or Mrs. O'Brien, for that matter."
"I won't tell if you won't. Just play along," Julian implores him, "That's all I ask, just play along. Molly is very sweet, and also very stubborn, and I promise you I'll make it up to you if you just humour her." He's very nearly begging.
Garak has seen Julian less desperate in active crisis situations. He sighs, making a point to be melodramatic about it. "Very well, my dear," He agrees, "I suppose I can find it in myself to play along with the whims of a little girl. What's the worst that could happen?"
"Don't invite that on yourself," Julian warns, "You haven't seen her when she's cranky."
At that moment, Molly returns. In her hands she carries a teapot that matches her teacups, and she proudly brings it to the table and sets it down in the middle of everything. "Ta-da!" She announces, prompting Julian to gently shush her again, "Tea time!" She does not heed his shushing, "Want the first cup, Uncle Julian?" She asks, holding the pot out to him.
Just like that, Julian is smiling again. "I would love the first cup, Princess Molly," He says. He holds the teacup up, and it's comically small in his hand, "Thank you very much."
Molly tips the teapot forward. No actual tea comes out. Still, she holds it like that for a few seconds, before she tips it back. "There you go!" She chirps. Right, pretend. She turns her smile on Garak, and offers him the pot, "Tea?"
Garak delicately picks the teacup up by the handle, which he has to pinch between two claws. "I would be honoured," He says, laying it on thick. Molly pours the pretend tea into his cup, and he gives her his most winning smile, "Thank you, Princess."
Molly goes around the table, pouring tea for the other guests. Garak resists the urge to comment on the teapot apparently being bottomless, and instead glances at Julian. "Uncle Julian?" He questions, an amused smirk curling on his face.
"I'm her favourite uncle." Julian grins.
"I'm sure," Garak murmurs. Molly retakes her seat, and he turns to her, "Ah, Princess, allow me," He reaches across the table to take the teapot, and he pours her her own cup. He's not sure of the exact method to this, but he counts to 3 and then stops, and she looks satisfied, "Could I ask you a question, Princess?" He asks as he sits back, setting the pot down.
"First, cheers," Molly insists. She thrusts her cup up into the air, and Julian raises his, so Garak follows their lead. They clink their little teacups together- literally, "Clink!" She says.
"Clink." Julian echoes.
"Clink," Garak adds. Then Molly sips, and so does Julian, so he follows. When that's done, he inquires, "May I ask my question now?" Molly nods, and he smiles, "Ah, thank you. Yes, my question is, what made you invite me to the tea party, Princess Molly?"
Molly sets her teacup down. "For Uncle Julian." She replies.
Garak can see Julian looking pointedly away from him in his peripheral. "I see," He says, "And why was I invited for Uncle Julian?" He follows up.
"Cause you're married." Molly replies, like it's the most obvious thing in the Quadrant.
Julian chokes on nothing. Garak's eyes widen. "Married?" He echoes. He turns to Julian, who's gone a truly impressive shade of red, right up to the tips of his ears, "Married?" He repeats.
"Yeah!" Molly says, apparently an expert on the subject, "That's what grown-ups do when they're in love! Like my mommy and daddy. You," She points at Garak, "And Uncle Julian are in love, so you're married."
"She's 5." Julian hisses under his breath, just loud enough for Garak to hear.
Garak needs to take a deep breath. He's not often truly caught off guard, but that... he feels like he's just been knocked flat on his back. Alright. Married. He can go along with that. He's certainly gone along with far worse things.
Suddenly he understands Julian's exhaustion and desperation a few moments prior.
"Well, it was... very polite of you to invite me, Princess," He manages to get out, trying to slot back into his role here, "It's nice to spend time with my... husband." That makes Julian turn even redder. He looks like he's about to start glowing.
"Mommy and daddy wanted together-time today," Molly tells him, looking oh-so-serious for a girl of 5 years old, "So you and Uncle Julian probably want together-time, too. That's what married grown ups want." She explains.
Garak can't help but chuckle. "You're very wise," He says. Because she isn't... wrong. When it comes to him and Julian, at least, "I did want together-time with Uncle Julian today." He admits. They were supposed to see each other for lunch today, but then Julian got called away to babysit the O'Brien children, so it was to be rescheduled. And, soft as it makes him, those lunches are truly about... the only thing he looks forward to, so, yes. He did want together-time, as she put it, with Julian.
Molly glances at Julian, and then she leans over the table. "He did, too," She whispers, except it's very loud, and Julian can obviously hear her, "He told me he missed your lunchtime."
Garak glances at Julian, who's again very much not looking at him. He can't help but melt, just a bit, just enough to soften up. "Did he now?" He hums, "Well, that's alright. We have this tea party, don't we?" He puts his hand on the table, holding it out to Julian.
Julian looks at his hand. Then looks up at him, all round eyes and surprise. And then he smiles, all warm and affectionate. "That we do." He says, taking Garak's hand and giving it a squeeze.
"Ew," Molly pulls a face, "You're being gross like mommy and daddy."
Julian snorts a laugh. Garak chuckles. They let go of their hands and go back to their teacups, following Molly's lead as she sips at air again. Then she insists on refilling their cups, and they sit back and let her.
Julian's hand finds his on the floor. Garak takes it, brushes his thumb over Julian's knuckles. They exchange a private look, a small smile, Julian still red in the cheeks.
Maybe this isn't such a bad way to spend an afternoon, after all.
#star trek: ds9#fic bitching#elim garak#julian bashir#molly o'brien#kirayoshi o'brien#otp: I need to know that someone forgives me#wow this turned out WAY fluffier than expected#I went into this to write pure comedy and shenanigans and got all this fluff??#this is so sweet my teeth hurt#but also I like it a lot#so I hope you do too anon!#sorry for not getting all the kids involved#I tried to think of something that would work to have Jake and Nog involved#but I couldnt think of anything that really made sense#I hope I did Molly justice and made up for the lack of other kids#because I love her and she was fun to write#I had to look up her age and calculate how old she was when Yoshi was born for this dkfgjhdkfjghd#but the tea party idea possessed me and this practically wrote itself after a certain point#soooooo much fun to write#anyways this is a lot of tags now#hope you like!!!!
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it’s 3am and i’ve spent the past few hours drawing a bunch of doodles of me and anton hanging out together like we’re the bestest of friends because it’s my art and i can draw whatever i want forever
#i’ll post the drawings this weekend probably#anton oc#wyrms says stuff#wyrms lore#it’s 3am and i am not tired but i also have to get up early so#hey at least i don’t have any classes on fridays so that’s good#wow anton is so cool#wow#wow i love him so much more than anything really#platonically obviously we’re both very aroace#and i know if he was real we’d be best friends we’d do everything together#we’d go see that absolutely horrendous looking minecraft movie on opening night together#he’d talk to me about rats and science and snakes and i’d talk about undertale and tma and gravity falls#we’d have so much fun i’d teach him how to play video games and he would love it so much#and he’d show me all of his weird and wacky science experiments and he’d be so silly about it#and we’d go on walks in his forest and he’d show me all the animals#and we’d comfort eachother when we’re sad and it would be so cozy and safe#we would have eachother and understand eachother that’s all we will ever need#wow he’s just so real to me guys#like he feels so real#and i’m so genuinely sad that he’s not#he deserves to exist he deserves to be happy#the fact he doesn’t exist feels like i lost someone extremely close to me and will never get them back#it’s like i’m grieving the loss of someone who never existed and it hurts#he deserves to exist :(#ouughhh#this is devastating#it hurts#i should go to sleep#:(
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Having stumbled into like. Mild success with a few fics that were waaay canon divergent and get them praised for the worldbuilding I did makes it all the more bleh that anything else I do outside of that fandom is still just. Crickets.
I wish I was one of those artists/writers who can grab people with their style or creative ideas so people will give their wild ideas a try even if its not something that's their usual pairing/fandom...
#shut up tc#it doesn't help that my interests are really fucking niche usually#but it's like. a few friends have been encouraging me to write original fiction#especially when I was getting all those comments raving about how much they loved my writing and worldbuilding#but how could I draw people in to read my original ideas when I can't even make them consider#trying something that's not their usual pairing#even if they are familiar with the fandom#had a chat with someone today who's really disappointed that I haven't made progress on my sv fics lately#and honestly same. I want to continue those stories but my inspo is not there atm#I knew they are big on fantasy rpgs like bg and da and they play ff so I tried to. you know. maybe tempt them towards those stories I have#and they were like wow these ideas are crazy. they are so out there. I don't think anyone can makes these good I'd rather not waste my time#which hurt a lot ngl. like. they are not any more weird than whatever I did with In Tune#or Wolf#so I tried it like. hey you know how I write. don't you trust that *I* can make these ideas interesting enough to at least give them a try?#apparently not. haha haaa#maybe I didn't try to sell it the right way but#if I can't even get someone who's a relatively close acquaintance read my shit then what chance would I have doing og fiction?
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For The Alliance.
#world of warcraft#anduin wrynn#tw blood#blood#okay so#A few things went poorly with this piece and thus it warrants a future redraw#I wanted the ally symbol to look almost knife-like like it was sharp and shiney#that it'd cut into Anduins neck which the symbol is pressed against#The idea was based on how Anduins title and job end up harming him- the real him. the person he wants to be.#that in being king you dont get to be you you have to be someone else#as in everyone elses' needs go above your own#i think alot about how Anduin as a teen was much more sassy and joked alot about things#and since being king Anduin hasnt really had many moments like that#if you listen to Anduin's Heros of the Storm voice lines they do a really good job of depicting a king anduin who retains his humor#humor which WoW anduin had to push down to focus on war#anyway thats just one idea this piece also sorta could reference how working for the alliance has physically hurt him too#or#that it is his neck we could consider how kings often are beheaded and what that symbolizes#That his job is slowly killing him#look Anduin would be happier and could do more of what he wants to do if he walked away from the throne#the other thing that went poorly with the art was that i just couldnt do blood properly
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my extremely corny and indulgent but satisfying and symbolic ideal scenario for Kazuya and Jin to fully Break The Cycle™️ would be for one of them to grab and save the other from falling off a great height. perhaps even a cliff.
#LIKE YEAH ITS CHEESY AND A BIT OOC AS OF NOW#BUT IMAGINE WITH THE PROPER BUILD UP FOR THIS TO HAPPEN#cause jin already *kind of* accepted his father by accepting himself. he's not *there* yet but he left him alive after all#and kaz has a lot of work ahead of him before he would even take that action but PLEASE. PICTURE IT.#i dont even know who i want to save who bc both works so well regardless#if its jin saving kaz. not only has jin never participated in the cliff-tossing curse of the family but he's actively preventing it#and as for kaz: for the first time someone is NOT letting him fall. kaz who sees falling as a proof of weakness.#of course he would probably see him getting helped as an humiliating form of weakness but just as jin learned in t8 that hes not alone#well maybe he could see that wow someone (other than jun) his blood- his SON is helping him despite it all. must be a weird feeling.#that right here right now for arguably the second time in his life- hes not alone.#and as for kaz saving jin... well frankly i dont even have the words.#it feels too indulgent to imagine kaz preventing his son from suffering a similar fate as him. and would confuse the hell out of jin#smth about both of them having lost their wings but still not being at risk of falling if theyre willing to have each other in this fight#or in their lives.#also its kaz willingfully breaking the cycle HIMSELF even after hes convinced himself that family hurting each other is part of their blood#idk. i love on-the-nose symbolism#ok im done being sappy#tagging later#tekken
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i so sad
#thoughts#i think im having like a panic attack or something#like#something attack#i dont want to talk to anyone anymore i keep messing things up#i called a mentally ill person disgusting because i didnt see their other anon confessions in the server about their mental illnesd#they menyioned how they shower once a month#and i saw that i didnt see the other messages#i asked them how they didnt get uncomfortable “being that disgusting”#i meant it like. The feeling of#Not having taken a shower in a month. I didnt want to imply they were inherently disgudsting for their mental illness and everyone was like#wow rayman what the fuck is wrong with you why would you say that about someone. and they vented about me in the vent channel#it was a horrible thing for me to say and like yesterday i also fucked up i said mean shit to someone. I dont know whats wrong with me why i#cant stop doing bad things. i need to kill myself or something i need to lock myself away so other people dont get hurt by me#i was clawing at my head crying hitting myself with my knuckles because i just fucking loathed myself i pretend im so happy and like yeah im#happy but like really i fucking hate myself so so much more than anything in the world the only reason im not dead is because i love this#world enough to stay on it. i hate myself so much. i get so so sad when i look in the mirror because im not who i am im no one im always#trying to be a person or something when im nothing im so worthless coping off the “smart” compliments i got in 2nd grade when in reality im#just some stupid fucking rancid asshole with rage anxiety lonlieness stewing in my soul for 5 years i cant be normal around anyone im not#supposed to be friends with anyone i shouldnt have a partner he needs to kill me i need him to beat me over the head with a shovel and keep#beating me and stabbbing me with it until im alll brutally mauled unrecognizable and he should call me worthless the whole time and i#deserve it
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sobbing at every heart event ...
#stardew valley#sdv shane#farmer koi#as someone who grew up thinking i would be fine with death at 18#as someone who struggled so hard with connecting with others because everything felt suffocating#being able to tell shane that im happy hes here is like telling myself that and hoo boy im crying#the things id love to hear and the things said to me being options in the six heart event#really impacted me#as someone who related to no after plan in the four heart event because i still dont even have a real plan in life#just wow the flashbacks to being unhappy in school the thoughts of being condemned in sunday school#and the fact you can tell him its a sin as a reason to not roll off a cliff is just enough to remind me of how much that hurts#as if im so bad you have to try guilting me into living... gosh#shanes heart events are therapy for me to actually tell someone i relate to YOURE STILL HERE AND THATS GOOD#like does concernedape know how therapeutic its been to tell shane the things i wanna hear#anyway sorry for the possibly depressing tags that is why i kept them in the tags#watch me go back and just delete all the tags but yeah this has been emotional to see from a diff perspective#im so used to being shane that its wild to see what it might look like and its kinda crushing me
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hm.
#fucking hell. do you guys ever think about how normalized racism against indians is? I know i do#god.. why can't i just exist? why is it so normal to be so fucking disgusting about my people? i've spent my whole life thinking i'm#unattractive and ugly because of my body hair and my brown skin and the shape of my nose and the smell of my food#why can't i have all the sweet things the pretty girls have? will i ever be perceived as the same as them? will i always be unattractive?#my relationship with my culture is.. complicated. but still... it hurts so much. it weighs on me so heavily#sure i make jokes so often but i'm not exactly a shining beacon of peak self esteem. i think that how my people are percieved is a huge par#of why i feel that way about myself. it's to the point where i think my f/os would be better off dating someone else or wouldn't like me#because they'd think my culture is 'weird'#idk man. i've just been having a night#i saw some a.qua ship art and fell down a rabbit hole and spiraled. wow... would she even like me at all? or find me attractive in any way?#this is so unlike me y'all LMAAOOO you know how they say you should never listen to your thoughts past 9pm? yeah. it's almost 1am rn-#i should go to bed. i'll be okay. just been a lot going on and even more on my mind#sigh..#vent#i'll delete this later gamers#goodnight pals
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im gonna fucking throw up istg PAY ATTENTION TOO EMEEEEEEEE PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
#theres something WRONG WITH MEE AAUUUGGHGHGHGHGHGGHGHHGHHHGHG BAPPING MYSELF ON THE HEAD WHY CANT I BE ALONE#vent#car seat headrest isnt making it any better man. ive just guh#ive just been having a bad week mental heath wise dude. like ive been having thoughts of hurting myself and shits insane and i just guh.#i feel like im only desirable when i can give something to someone guh. laying on the floor and taking damage#maybe i should stop making self depreciating jokes about myself that could be it too#idk why ive been having thoughts of hurting myself either idk what could be causing it.#maybe i miss how it felt to do something i knew was wrong and that could get m in trouble if my parents found out.#idk what they would even do if they found out. theyve never noticed anything wrong with me wow im that good at hiding shit#grgh. kicking things >:[ idk what's wrong with me. maybe it's just a bad week or something i dont know#i wish i could get loved the way i love people#anyways back to our regularly scheduled posting!!! no more of all that :] normal again chat tee hee
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one-shot for @lonelyfreddles dream theory revamp au, except i destroyed any semblance of a timeline to make this interaction possible
Footsteps fell quietly against shag carpet. The caution with which he carried himself was deeply ingrained; it told him to be smaller, quieter, and escape notice at every opportunity.
Sometimes, he wondered if his life depended on it.
Evan had one goal in mind: a cold glass of apple juice.
Father wasn't home. He hadn't been home all week, actually. Evan had been told ahead of time, for once; the man had rattled off something about a meeting, or a conference or... something, but his words hadn't made much sense. He'd been frazzled at the time; rambling and agitated, as he often was these days. The behavior was odd enough for Evan to note, but he knew better than to question William directly.
Normally, Evan and Michael would have been left home alone. They were old enough, after all. They'd been old enough for as long as Evan could remember.
This time was different, though; Henry was coming to look after them. It was a precaution, Father had said. He hadn't seemed very happy about it, and Evan didn't think it was his idea. It didn't matter, though; Henry was nice, and Evan hadn't seen him in a long time. He was happy to hear that the man would be around.
Michael hadn't been home for very long, yet. He'd only been in the hospital for a week or so, but he'd had to stay in another place for a few. Evan wasn't sure what it was actually called– Father had called it the looney bin, but he knew that wasn't right– but it hadn't seemed so bad when he'd gotten the chance to go visit. Mikey had seemed healthier there than he had in the hospital.
Evan had jumped at the chance to go see him. Of course he had. He needed to see him; to see that he was still real and still here. He didn't want his brother to die. Evan had been so scared when—
His hands were red the towels were red red red red the voice on the other line said to keep him awake they said they said—
Evan felt tears starting to well in his eyes, and he wiped at them with his sleeve. He didn't need to do this right now. He needed to get his drink first, and then he could go cry in his room. It felt good to cry, sometimes; to let things out, even if the kids at school teased him for it.
There was no use in getting rid of something that obviously helped. He'd just have to hide it as best as he could.
His steps continued again; past the grandfather clock, into the living room. He'd get his juice, go back to his room, and hang out there for a while. It was going to be fine; everything would be fine.
Michael hadn't scared him since he'd been back home; Evan thought it might have been because he still didn't feel very good. Why did Mikey want to die?
Still, Evan checked underneath the sofa; behind the TV.
No Michael.
He pressed on towards the kitchen, but stopped when he heard voices.
Evan recognized his brother's first. He heard Michael almost every day; his voice was higher than most men's, and accented, just like Father's. Unlike their dad's, though, Michael's voice was quiet, and he dragged his words. William's speech was much more clipped.
The other voice, low and clear, was Henry's.
"You can't keep acting like this, Michael."
"Yeah, well, why not?!"
Mikey wasn't quite shouting, but his voice was louder than normal. Was he in trouble?
Evan paused to listen.
"You know it doesn't help to keep egging him on like this."
Michael laughed, but something about it was wrong. The sound was short, sharp, and almost shaky. Evan thought he'd heard him laugh like that before, but he couldn't place where.
"There it is again. You know." There was a pause. "That's the worst part. You know exactly what he's like, and you don't do shit."
Evan wandered closer to the door; he wanted to hear what they were talking about.
"Michael..." Henry's sigh was barely audible from the other room, muffled through wood and paint. "Language."
His last remark felt strange. Evan furrowed his brow; he didn't think that had been what Henry really wanted to say.
"Fucking really?!"
Evan flinched back. Michael was angry.
He took a deep breath.
It was going to be okay. Mike wasn't angry with Evan; he didn't even know his younger brother was nearby. Nobody was going to hurt him, and everything was going to be fine.
Evan didn't think he'd ever seen Henry angry. He hoped he wouldn't snap and hurt Mike, the way that Father did. Evan hated that, even when Michael had been especially cruel to him. Something was wrong with the way it made his brother stiffen and cry, even when it was just words. Sometimes, Evan thought, the words hurt the worst.
"I'm just trying to keep things from getting any worse."
Henry's tone was insistent, but Michael was having none of it.
"Keep it from–" The teenager cut himself off, steadying his breath to keep from shouting. "You could have stopped it from happening in the first place, Uncle Henry."
He spat the man's name. Evan wasn't sure if he'd ever heard him sound so...
Evan didn't have a name for that emotion, he didn't think. It wasn't anger; his brother sounded hurt, he recognized, but there was something else. Disgust, maybe?
"Michael..."
"You could stop it now." The pace of Michael's speech picked up again, his tone rising. "We still live here. He's mad at me for this, you know that?"
Silence.
When Mikey spoke again, his voice was becoming frantic.
"Don't you believe me, Henry?" Evan could hear the sound of fabric rustling. "Do you see this? Do you think this was an accident, too?"
Evan froze.
His mouth was dry; something in his chest felt cold. He suppressed the urge to shiver.
They were talking about Father.
Evan hadn't seen it happen, this time, but he'd heard Michael crying. Michael hardly ever cried.
He lost track of the conversation for a moment, falling into his own thoughts. Evan knew that Father would be livid if he knew one of the boys was talking about the way he could be sometimes; he had a reputation to uphold, after all, and the way a man raised his children was nobody else's business. The idea that Mikey might have actually talked to anyone about it was alien to him.
"You know," he'd said, but that couldn't be right.
Henry wouldn't ever hurt them, Evan didn't think. Maybe hitting sometimes was okay, but he'd definitely intervene if he saw it get really bad...
Right?
Henry's voice pulled him back.
"–sorry, Michael."
"Then do something!" Michael was yelling now; every breath came short and quick. A small collision sounded; a noise Evan easily recognized as someone's hand being smacked away.
Mikey didn't like to be touched. He knew that sound very well.
Evan felt his cheeks burn, tears brimming. The turmoil taking place in the next room was overwhelming, and he felt it bleeding into him with each word that was spoken.
He made no move to leave, though. He couldn't.
He needed to know.
It was quiet for a little while.
Sometimes, Henry would start to speak, but stop before getting any words out. Evan wondered if he was struggling with what he wanted to say.
It seemed like ages before he really spoke again.
"Mikey, you know I can't do that."
Evan dropped everything, looking up at the door in disbelief.
Henry did know.
He knew, and he...
He didn't do anything.
Henry left them there.
Evan felt sick to his stomach.
Maybe he just needed a moment to process it. Sure, he wasn't always certain what was normal and what wasn't, but it had been bad enough for Mike to reach out for help, right? It had been bad enough to make Evan cry himself to sleep every night. It left scrapes and bruises, and, sometimes, it was too bad for either brother to even talk about.
It had been bad enough that Mikey had wanted to die.
Evan wasn't feeling very thirsty anymore. He turned to leave; to run back to his room and never, ever look at Henry the same way again.
As he left, he heard a sob echo from behind.
#i am so sleepy#people not intervening when they should is its own special flavor of trauma#as is witnessing someone else being hurt and not being able to do anything#it would be interesting to explore the ramifications of seeing michael hurt from evan and elizabeth's perspectives further#i wonder how it would impact their relationship with him#i wonder if michael feels embarrassed. it's not his fault but william definitely seems like a humiliation punishment type#'really? crying on the floor like a baby? great example you're setting for your siblings there'#wow actually i think i just unlocked a memory. time to go process that ig. what the fuck#fnaf#evan afton#cc afton#michael afton#henry emily#cw abuse#tw sui attempt#tw suicide#tw suicide attempt#tw abuse#mike's actual writing
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