#and i wondered does that make me stupid? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

novadreii · 5 months ago

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rewatched arrival for the hundredth time. this movie never fails to gut punch me with its approach to determinism. louise embracing her future that she knows every moment of, despite the tremendous loss and pain it contains, with open arms. she doesn't hesitate, or ruminate on how she can try and change it. she accepts it all, the good and the bad, because what she gains is worth it, so many times over for her. she steels herself against a certain future and runs forward to meet it all, to love, learn, and lose, and trusts and leans on herself to live through it all. because that's what life is; it's the joy and the suffering. to try and isolate the joy alone is madness, futility in its purest definition.

comparing her line of thinking to a palindrome (how she named her daughter, hannah), the movie kept emphasizing, "it's the same backwards as it is forwards." it doesn't matter if you can see the end; life is the same whether you live it "forwards" (without knowledge of the future) or "backwards" (with foresight). it doesn't change the significance of your life experiences; to try and avoid certain future pain just because you have the knowledge of it is a zero sum game. you think you win because you avoided pain, but you also avoided the joy that preceded it. the metamorphosis. so you still lose if you try to win, and vice-versa.

all you can do is rush forward and take it all head-on. see this whole beautiful mess as your one most precious gift; this one life, this one chance, a laughably miniature blip on the colossus that is linear time, to experience all there is to feel before you return back to an eternity without perception. it's all worth it, because only in living a full-fledged life open to everything it has to offer does the experience of living turn out to be greater than the sum of its parts; it's in trying to beat the system (avoid pain) that we actually lose.

"if you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change things?"

"maybe i'd say what i feel more often. i...i don't know."

#arrival 2016 #pleaaaaase this movie has a chokehold on me #the perfect sci-fi imo is one that blends the scientific and the emotional realms seamlessly and wow does this do that #this particular movie speaks so personally to me #because i lived so much of my life in stagnation trying to avoid pain i could see on the horizon #a couple of years ago when beginning my last relationship i could see the end as early as 3 months in #you know when you just realize early on there are cracks in the relationship foundation that are not repairable and will only get stressed #the more you build on top of it? yeah #it terrified me like you couldn't believe and i spent so much time in denial and fighting against it #fighting against this future i was intuitively certain would materialize #i watched this movie around that time and decided to just go for it #to not let my intuition rob me of joy in the present #as someone who lived so prudently and always tried to make the “right” choice this was monumental for me and so out of character #for a while i wished i'd just listened to my instincts about how this person would ultimately hurt me so i could avoid the suffering #because i really did have foresight everything i was scared would happen did happen almost to the letter #and i wondered does that make me stupid?#that i marched forward anyway? i didn't have the degree of certainty louise did so i thought i could change things #if i loved hard enough if i was patient enough if i did what i knew in my heart to be the right thing #but it changed nothing #but no i wasn't stupid and i would do it again #because it was still a beautiful experience at its best and it taught me valuable lessons at its worst #i have undoubtedly changed as a person i will never be the same again and THAT is living #not rotting away in an unchanging state. unchanged by joy or mundanity or by adversity. that is not living #undoubtedly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. i never rly agreed with that until i saw this movie #personal #favourite movies #scifi #movies #this applies to everything not just love. take that chance! do the thing that scares you. bc that's the only way to really live #regardless out of the outcome

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charlie-dowds-migraine · 30 days ago

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(Arin Hanson voice) Oh that guy died (๑•᎑•๑)

Had to take a break from reading The Man in the Mirror on ao3 (go read that if you haven't) to draw something that would make me happy because I only just finished Arkham ch2 and I've cried like 4 times

Featuring John:

#confession time #I've never read any of the man in the mirror up until this point #because I was scared #I knew it would make me sad :(#but I also knew I wouldn't be able to stop reading it because it's really freaking good #gray if you're seeing this #amazing wonderful writing thank you :“)#clown art #john doe malevolent #arthur lester #stupid idiot motherfucking arthur lester #malevolent podcast #arthur lester malevolent #john doe #john malevolent #horig malevolent #curse of horig #>:)#malevolent fanart

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sammygender · 8 months ago

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i’ve never been as angry on behalf of a character as i am for sam winchester

#currently thinking about season four and five. absolutely fuckibg mental #the world literally reshapes itself around him to prove him wrong #its all framed as God. Sam was so stupid and selfish and reckless for drinking demon blood. He just liked the power of it and he chose a #DEMON over DEAN.#but. that’s not the story they tell in s4.#like even aside from every single other complexity. Sam is literally right. he has ZERO WAY of knowing that killing lilith is the final seal #AND DEAN DOESNT KNOW TJAT EITHER. like sam is literally right he can kill lilith and he does kill lilith. dean wants lilith dead just as #much. sam’s cardinal sin is disobeying dean and then the world flips around on him and plot twist sam and dean were both wrong all along and #killing lilith is what will bring back lucifer :)#but. it’s not framed like that either. it’s framed like SAM BROUGHT BACK LUCIFER BY KILLING LILITH WHILE HIGH ON DEMON BLOOD #dean you wanted to kill lilith too?????????#but. doesn’t matter dean despite being mostly motivated by jealous anger is retroactively proven to be Right #and sam is retroactively proven to be Wrong. he is bad #i just. jesus. sam’s not evil ever. he’s hardly even that fucking morally grey #and he still thinks there’s something wrong with him that he’s a freak that he’s inherently evil and needs to be purified #why?? cause of something fucked up that happened to him when he was a baby #and because he’s disobeyed his father and his brother and been angry at awful things that have happened to him #makes me feel fucking insane actually #no wonder narrative frames sam as evil no wonder he’s inherently marked as Bad by the forces in supernatural like even on a meta level #in supernatural gods just another shitty father. embodiment of the familial patriarch. and from sam’s very first moment on the show he’s in #opposition to that he’s ran away from john and he argues with dean. therefore he is evil #i don’t think my words r really making sense right now but. fucking hell #and sam is so swamped in guilt all of season five and he just fucking accepts that everything bad is his fault #and he gets tortured in the cage to save the fucking world and it’s STILL not enough. not to appease his own guilt and not to appease deans #anger at him. dean is still throwing his perceived violations back at him in like season nine!!#and whenever he tries to get out it’s treated as yet another Sin. narrative acts like sam thinking dean was dead and having a life outside #of hunting is The Worst Thing He Ever Did #worst sin sam ever commits in the eyes of the show is disobedience. Absolutely awful actually #spn #sam winchester

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dollypopup · 6 days ago

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Not a question per say but I thought this was an interesting Reddit post and I know you've said similar stuff in the past (https://www.reddit.com/r/BridgertonRants/comments/1ibjy0z/do_some_polins_even_like_colin_bridgerton/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)

Oh man, I was sick of the 'make Colin grovel/beg/suffer' nonsense all the way back in SEASON 2!!!!! It's a shame it continues to be all too prominent of a theme in Polin in general. (honestly, this is why I stopped reading and writing fics) but whoever the person who made that rant is, I wanna be friends with them! I feel like a lot of Colin fans have been outspoken about how unfairly he's treated in what should be his fandom, but because we're a minority in the fandom, we get pushed out by polin fans who just. . .don't like him? (Why they gravitate to this ship I will NEVER know) And the people talking about how 'Oh, they're not *really* Polin fans, they're Pen stans!' like. . .they're still the ones that went on Polin fics (including my own?) and talked about how Colin didn't deserve her? They still wrote so called 'Polin' fics with no pushback at all of Penelope abusing him and it being totally fine? They were all too happy to see Colin pushed to the wayside time and time again? Can't lay down with dogs and be surprised you have fleas in the morning, you know?

Like it's genuinely no surprise to me that Pen stans who hated Colin but still shipped Polin for the sake of Pen getting her prize became Nicola stans who hate Luke because they're mad that they didn't get together.

I miss the Polin that were *both* ride or die for each other in fandom. Since S2 I feel like it's just Pen being an OOC girlboss queen and Colin being her footstool in way too much of this fanbase. God forbid he have any emotion other than full fawning over her. smh

I think we go through cycles in the fandom. Maybe we're in a new era of people recognizing how toxic Polin is/was/can be and people are calling out how weird it is that the fanbase seemingly hates half the ship. But idk, I feel like this is just another person who will be pushed off to the side because though what they said was true, people just don't wanna hear it. I will always ALWAYS stand by the fact that people can write whatever they want and deserve respect in fandom. I avoid any of those fics because I try not to say negative things to or about creators. But sometimes I so badly want to be like 'if you read this from his perspective, is it a love story, or is it a tragedy?' and like. . .most of the time, from his POV in these stories, it's a tragedy. And there's really not a lot of variety (most of the stories that countered the typical 'colin begs and suffers and grovels and is called an idiot' narrative have left) so it's all there is. And you just can't help but come to the conclusion that this fandom just. . .doesn't like him.

Which sucks, he's fantastic. Polin deserves love stories where they're both treated well.

#polin #colin bridgerton #justice for my boyyyyyyy #remember when polin actually liked colin? pepperidge farms remembers. . .#i remember the good old days #could legit cry about what happened to the fanbase #no wonder this fandom hemorrhaged creators #like almost all the colin fans who were writers quit because we got bullied or there was no love left after seeing how our fave was treated #once upon a time i was a hopeful young fan waltzing into polin with a 50k fic i wrote in a week #now i'm just a bitter baba yaga pushing colin behind me as i rant with my cane #there's a consensus in the fandom that penelope deserves a narrative where she's treated like a queen and openly adored and loved on #(WHICH IS TRUE!!!! she does!!!)#but that colin's narrative of being loved on is getting the privilege to be with penelope #which like. . .if you just write her mistreating him. . .does not a love story make?#newsflash: if someone talks down on their partner and think he's stupid and want him to beg for them as they hit on his brothers and friend #he's not the idiot- they are

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transmascutena · 11 months ago

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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder

#akio and utena #m #long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human #he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims #he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios #(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her #i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing #not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did #but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway #idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims #the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive #but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her #but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had #reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly #wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.

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selfinflictedgunshotwound · 5 days ago

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men are so disappointing in so many ways i know i shouldn't expect most of them to be dignified humans but it's crazy. i need to get over this guy he's making my sense of self crumble even faster than it usually does. like he's just so unlike my usual type and i'm pretty convinced he's stupid and slutty and not discerning whatsoever. not to mention boring like i know even if i did have a chance with him he wouldn't Get Me at all so it's a bigger waste of time that usual and i'm actually pretty tired of men in general and definitely tired of parasocial relationships because they drive me insane for months typically. thankfully it's only been like 2 weeks if that at this point. idk. sigh. i know literally virtually nothing abt him as a person and ofc liking any public figure who you know nothing about is only setting yourself for heartbreak and disappointment to begin with bc you already know nothing is gonna come from it but. in a way it's almost addictive to become obsessed with someone and not be looked at with the same level of scrutiny. i don't think anyone in real life would ever try to get to know me as much as i try to get to know people who i'll never even meet. lmao! but that's the thing... idk... i have a lot of love in my heart and it consumes me and i reject my pride usually when i'm into someone. i want to know more... like VORACIOUSLY consuming anything with information about them involved simply because i think knowing someone is a very deep form of love but of course you can never truly know anyone. not completely. and that scares me i think which is why it's always probably been easier for me to never really TRY to be with anyone or have anything real. idk. this turned into me psychoanalyzing myself real quick but SOMEONE needs to bc i need to understand what the fuck is wrong w me.

#like i'm not gonna lie and say i do this every time i'm even vaguely interested in someone. most of the time i'm just like 'ooo hottie'#and then save a bunch of pics before either the shame gets to me or i just stop caring and move on. happens quite a bit more than my #obsessive episodes. the worst one was absolutely the fact that i was obsessed with jeremy for basically 3 years and spent two hating him #simply because i thought i was owed anything. honestly i think i was just very very insanely depressed. that's probably why those #obsessive periods even happen to begin with because i have felt so so horrible like soul ripped out horrible the past few weeks lmao #and i think i'm just a grasp for any light in the dark type person like it doesn't even necessarily mean anything the person is just someon #i attach significance to them when i do this shit but i know deep down that i'm owed nothing and that i truly expect nothing #it's just nice to have a distraction from my life. and dgmw that doesn't make me any less schizo about certain details and happenings #like i'll still think that 'oh they're only doing that because i'm into them' or 'they only went here because it was related to something i #was thinking about earlier' and whatever else. i know what i am. i don't claim to be anything else. and i know it puts people off.#and that i'm not likely to get any better if i keep doing it. if it's even possible for me to get better. but idk. it's interesting bc i've #thought more about what my life means to me and the kind of person i am and how my brain works and how everything affects me #more in the past few weeks than i seem to have in the last 5 years. i think i'm really getting better at accepting hard truths.#time spent by yourself is still time spent with the world.... and the more i think... even if it's hurtful... i'm growing and changing all #the time. i don't think if this was 4 years ago i would've even acknowledged the fact that i can't write off on This Guy's zionism #and other things about him that give me the ick (hate that phrase but whtevr) like him playing that gay hogwarts game and being a nepo baby #like bro you have trans friends and supposedly always 'look out for the small guy'. he's also never dated a fat girl despite his mom being #kind of a trailblazer for fat women in the entertainment industry. there's always rumors of him dating literally ever costar he's ever #worked with i guess simply because he seems like that kind of guy. and to be fair he does LMAO #honestly i don't know if i believe he's a bad person but i won't sign off on a guy i like being boring and stupid. that's just me #i'm sure ppl reading this who also don't Get Me are wondering why any of this even matters and the point is that it kind of doesn't lmao #but it's my life and i typically choose to care about people who will never even know i exist. unpopular girl instinct i suppose. maybe i'm #destined to be unloved or something but for now i wear fantasies like a blanket. maybe one day i won't need them anymore. but i def #do not need to center my romantic ideals on a guy i would be embarrassed to tell people i'm dating if i were actually dating him. rough #now just give me a month to get over it and finish the 2nd season of a show i like that he's in and i'll be rid of it hopefully. we'll see

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planetarythorns · 2 months ago

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post pjsk headcanons when they least expect it

Alternatively for Toya:

#Ruikasa makes it look like im a wxs oshi LMAO i actually prefer vbs more I just have complicated hcs for those two specifically #anyways POLYSHO LESBIANS ARE REAL IN MY HEART OKAY #Also note shizuku and mafuyu I put under sapphic are more towards unlabeled imo but I wanted to make it clear THEY'RE WOMEN KISSERS #Kohane I just prefer calling her sapphic over lesbian. Does she like boys? Whoooo knoooows #pjsk #project sekai #pjsk headcanons #jupiter rambles #if you're wondering if it was twt and their stupid hc fighting getting to me that sparked it #yes it was #why am i not taking this to twitter?#they cannot handle my genius (i WILL be beaten to death over my rui and tsukasa hcs)

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teddybeartoji · 6 months ago

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PHOBIA OF SEAWEED IS AN ACTUAL THING?????????????????? you see i am not afraid of the open waters nor am i scared of the things that live there,, like i regularly spend time watching deep sea videos i think they're so cool but oh my fucking god the idea of KELP IS MAKING ME LIKE ACTUALLY TWITCH EEEEEEEEUUUUUUUGHHH okok actually looking at it is kind of fine but the thought of it touching my feet is genuinely making me wanna throw up😭😭😭😭😭

#this is such a stupid thing bc sometimes it's fine #i live by the ocean i am a fish i have seen seaweed i have touched seaweed but it's different when you grab it on purpose compared to it #just randomly touching you #DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE #OMFG I'M GONNA SPIRAL #like once i thought i was gonna drown #mickey lore time #we were paddleboarding with my family and then me and my brother got off it and we started swimming to the shore and like we're both very #good swimmers so this was nothing insane aaand there were no waves or anything and my parents were still close by #but then at one point i was like oh i wonder how deep this actually is and i went under and i tried to touch the ground and sEAAWEEEDDDDD #EEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I FEEL SICK JUST THINKING ABT ITTT #and it freaked me out so fucking bad and then i suddenly felt so tired and i just wanted to get out but i was still far away and i couldn't #stop thinking abt how it's gonna touch my feet again lmao #and i was very very very close to a panic attack in the water😭😭#oops #anyway i survived and i never told anybody i thought i was gonna drown bc i am not a pussy like that whewwwww #also. when i played subnautica (i only played for a few hours) i was more afraid of the fuckass kelp forest than anything else😭😭😭#i started thinking abt this bc i saw a video of a man in this dark scary cave (????) and like it was fine i was super intrigued until he pu #his fucking foot on the rock and you can just see the layer of seaweed i almost jumped out of my bed FUUCKKK THATTT

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squirmydonnie · 19 days ago

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Me and my dad are finally getting somewhere again

( he agreed and understood me. And be said fucked up. And we don't curse or cuss in the house. So I found it a bit exciting. Because he listened to me. I think its because he used to draw a lot and paint some. He also did pottery. He used a pottery analogy for my art)

#my mom has been making me redraw things from this book shes made.#but its my old art from when she rushed me and i stayed up till 4 or 5 in the morning to finish it. ( i think 2 years ago #so while its sucks and is old. id perfer it stay shit and still get published #all the new edits make me feel like im defacing my own work. and i perfer the shitty version.#now the style is inconsistent and looks really stupid.#i dread going home to work on it.#i understand the gift aspect. but boy does it suck anyway.#my face is so warm #my ears are hot and my hands are cold #i already know how my mom will react.#sometimes i wonder if my dad wants to be Christian or if he just does it. he doesn't seem like the type sometimes #i forever greatful to no longer see my parents as saints.

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faksyan · 30 days ago

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Have you ever looked at the list of autism traits and very confidently said well I don't have that one only to notice years later you are doing the fun leg movements from a show you just watched in your kitchen at six in the morning and you suddenly Get what they meant by copying body movements and stuff and surprise you've been doing it all that time actually and now you are Aware of it so your body feels weird but you also still want to do it so your brain just bluescreens. or is that too specific.

#I knew about speech sure. I was so confident about the movements one. yeah no they just DONT GIVE FUCKING CLARIFICATIONS THAT MAKE SENSE #the fucking. is your movement coordination weird thing that I also went no ^_^ to #only to realize also a few years later that's the thing when I hit wall corners and cupboard doors in a house I lived in all my life #and why I miss pots and pans and pour water onto myself. occasionally. I don't know what the standard amount of thaat would be.#and also trip whity nothing in the way. flat surface. flat as hell. I'm pretty sure I do that a bit more than average.#why the fuck does it always correct to thaat that shit pisses me off #whatever whatever #need to go sleep but arcane is treating me well so far if you're wondering the way jinx moves scratches my brain just right #evidently.#faksyan talks #god I used to imitate the way girls walk in the fucking winx movies it's so stupid that's an unlocked memory.#I don't even remember liking that show that much but apparently I did to an extent that my mom had to throw out the disk #and lie that we lost it cause I wouldn't stop watching it which is funny as hell #can't tell you a single thing that happened in this show like not one #I should sleep I ramble too much when I don't #not diagnosed and likely never getting for country reasons but you know. there are signs.

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mr-moonfucker · 1 month ago

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my lightcone-less acheron was doing fucking 200k and i got so mad at her 💀💀😭😭 so sorry queen, never again

#same with firefly except idk even with her relics back she still does 2 damage per amber era #mf you have fugue step up #okay 2 damage per amber era is mean but still give me one reason your ungrateful ass is doing less than 200k per target #everytime i try to build superbreak welt and then Forget i feel like an abusive parent #like yeah no firefly shouldn'tbe doing less damage than hmc but you see she has himekos old stuff on #so i was mad for no reason and would like to apologise #she was built in one and a half evenings never will i het that lucky with artefacts again bro but it shows #on the matter of acheron goddamn im never making it out of that stupid fucking relic domain #anyways i wonder why i wasn't able to do jack shit in apocalyptic shadow #hsr #acheron

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dreamieparadise · 7 months ago

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Can- can I ask about the Somali pirates?

Hi hi, Lili! Yes, of course. Tbh I shouldn't have called them "pirates" they are known as such and treated like villains, but they're more like unofficial naval guard! The official naval guard was disbanded in the 90's due to the civil war that broke out [btw this civil war is why I'm diaspora! My maternal family fled to Djibouti or elsewhere. My dad came to Canada due to it.] Anyway! Other nations took advantage of this as they tended to do and started fishing illegally in the waters! Somali citizens rely on fishing to live [also farming and agriculture bc I also recall there was a drought and famine going on] so they turned to "piracy" to stop these thieves from stealing from them! Of course, these outsiders didn't like it and called it "piracy." they shouldn't be there in the first place!!!

BFJRKRKRKR I TALKED IM THE TAGS AND REACHED THE LIMIT I AM SO SORRY LMAOOOOO

Other than Puntland there is also Jubbaland ok lol I love talking about my people's history too much