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yunwangja · 3 days

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undercurrents | signal no. 17

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"i’m alisa. i was kuroo’s partner for his project."

you freeze. this is her. the girl from the date. your heart sinks as you picture them together, imagining all the worst possibilities.

did he leave his phone? why was she the one who picked up the call? is he still there? your mind begins to spiral, creating scenarios you can't control, each more painful than the last.

"oh," you manage to say, struggling to keep your voice steady. your throat feels tight, and your words come out slower than usual. "can i ask for kuroo?"

"uh, actually, kuroo left his phone here with me," she replies, "it’s a good thing you called - i couldn't open his phone on my own because it's password protected. i was thinking how to get it back to him. im at my place right now."

her place. your thoughts race, filling in the blanks with every worst-case scenario.

what does this mean? what the hell is happening? and what happened before this? and how could kuroo possibly accidentally leave his phone with her? the more you think about it, the harder it becomes to breathe.

"i can let his friends know," you force out, the words feeling heavy on your tongue. "they can come get it from you."

alisa agrees without hesitation, without ending the call, you quickly message the others, your fingers trembling slightly as you type.

after alisa says yes to the arrangement, you both settle to the conclusion that she'll call you back when she's arrived at the campus lobby where bo would be meeting her.

you sit in silence after the call ends, staring at your phone, thoughts swirling in your head. the quiet of your room seems louder now, every second stretching longer than it should.

where is kuroo right now? since she picked up the call at her place, was kuroo there before he left his phone? if they did, what did they do? does this mean he was that interested in her?

you try to shake off the uneasy thoughts, but they linger. you tell yourself not to jump to conclusions, but that’s easier said than done. your mind can’t help but imagine things of what might’ve happened after their date. it’s a battle between rationality and your emotions, and right now, the latter is winning.

then, your phone vibrates, pulling you out of your spiraling thoughts. kuroo's name appear on the caller id, and you assume it's alisa calling back, just as she promised.

“hello?” you answer, your voice a bit shaky but still composed.

“hey, i’m in the campus lobby,” alisa says. “bokuto isn’t here yet, but i’m sure he’ll be along soon.”

“thanks for letting me know.”

the silence stretches for a moment. it feels awkward, hanging between the two of you, and you can’t help but feel like you should say something - anything - to fill the void.

you fidget with your fingers, unsure of what to talk about. after all, you barely know this girl, and under any other circumstances, you wouldn’t be having this conversation at all.

alisa breaks the silence first. “so... are you and kuroo close?”

her question catches you off guard. “uh, yeah, i guess you could say that. we’ve known each other for a while.”

“that’s nice!" alisa replies, her tone friendly. “he’s been super focused on this project. it’s kept him really busy, huh?”

you nod again, though the weight of her words makes your chest feel tight. “yeah, he’s been juggling a lot.”

the conversation stalls again, leaving you with your thoughts. you’ve known kuroo’s been busy, but hearing it from her, someone who's been spending that time with him, feels like a punch in the gut. you hesitate before asking, “where is he, by the way?”

“oh, he didn’t say,” alisa responds casually. “he just told me he had to go and left. i noticed his phone when he was gone already, and i was going to chase after him but it was too late...”

you thought nothing suspicious about her answer, but nothing that assured you that nothing happened between them. the quiet between you both stretches again, heavy and uncomfortable, and you find yourself scrambling for something else - anything - to fill the silence.

“how’s the project been for you guys?” you ask, trying to make small talk.

“oh, it went really well!” she says brightly. “we worked hard, but it all paid off. i think kuroo was really happy with how it turned out.”

you try to smile at her words, but your curiosity is eating away at you. you feel the urge to ask more, even though a part of you is scared of what the answers might be.

your thoughts drift back to earlier, to the idea of them spending time together after their date, and your stomach knots with unease. but you have to know, even if the answer hurts.

desperate to distract yourself from the silence and your spiraling thoughts, you finally blurt out, “so... did you guys have a good time?”

it feels like a casual question, but the weight behind it is unmistakable to you.

alisa chuckles softly, "oh, it was nice. he’s really sweet, isn’t he?"

you force a smile, even though she can’t see it. the words feel like a punch to the gut, as if someone else is confirming how amazing kuroo is. "yeah, he is."

there’s a brief pause, and the silence returns uncomfortably. your mind is racing as you struggle to keep the conversation going.

"i’m glad you were with him while he was so busy. as i said earlier, he seems to take on a lot by himself." you say, trying to fill the void, but the words come out weaker than you intended.

"he really does," alisa agrees, her voice light, as if she’s completely unaware of the storm raging inside you. "we ended up spending a lot of time together because of it. it’s been fun. and he really knows how to make you feel at ease, doesn’t he?"

the words twist in your gut, and you have to bite your lip to keep from letting out a sound of distress. you know exactly what she means. you’ve felt it too; the way kuroo can make you feel seen and heard.

and now, to hear someone else describe it, to know that she experienced it too, feels like a betrayal, even though you know it’s not.

"yeah," you manage to say. "he’s always been good at that."

the conversation drags on, each passing moment feeling like a slow unraveling of everything you thought you knew. your heart sinks deeper, weighed down by the uncertainty, the fear that maybe you’re too late. the realization that someone else has shared in those moments with him, that she knows things about him you might never know, is almost too much to bear.

"i’m happy you guys enjoyed your date," you say, trying to sound normal, but there’s a slight tremor in your voice.

alisa laughs again, this time with more amusement. "he told you it was a date too, huh?"

you blink, caught off guard by her response. "wasn’t it?"

"no, not really," alisa explains, her tone light as if it’s no big deal. "i just asked him out to coffee because of the success of our project, nothing more. he thought it was a date until he thanked me and mentioned it. so i cleared things up."

you don’t know what to say, the relief washing over you in waves, but mingling with confusion. before you can ask what happened after, alisa interrupts.

"oh, bokuto’s here," she says, her tone signaling the end of the conversation. "i’ll give him the phone. thanks a lot,"

"okay," you reply, still dazed, your mind racing with all the things you didn’t get to say or ask. bo takes the phone and tells you everything’s good, but his words barely register. you nod, barely listening, too caught up in your own thoughts.

you’re left with a thousand questions, but no answers. you want to know more, to ask her what happened next, but you guess you won’t get to know anymore.

did they talk about you? was kuroo relieved when she clarified it wasn’t a date, or was he disappointed? the uncertainty gnaws at you, leaving you with nothing but doubts.

all of a sudden, there’s a knock on your bedroom door. your heart jumps into your throat. you hesitate, then get up to answer it. you bid bo goodbye on the other line and end the call as you approach closer.

maybe it was one of your roommates checking up on your or asking for an update about what has happened. you wondered who it might be as you opened the door.

and there he was.

kuroo, breathless and panting, his hair slightly disheveled as if he ran the whole way. his eyes lock onto yours, wide with urgency.

"kuroo," you begin, confused. "what are you doing-"

"i want you, y/n."

notes

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

next signal will be LOADED also bc we will see kuroo's pov !!

idk if this was a long update or not (than usual) but yeah

i had to edit this a lot of times bc i had to make sure that everything would be laid out well

taglist: @lvtilzs @rarararararq @iamfontenlos @kurooswifeyy @secretsunsetsociety @kagsnumnine @yumiecheesecrackers @tojirin @jaynawayna @noxva08 @zahrawr-writes-fanfics @mawenskiblue @smellysluna @cccccccccccleo @winniethepooh-lover @akirqx @cupidsblonde @kukkurookkoo@emotiandon @urslytherin

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hockybish · 2 days

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Imagine Ava with a drugged up and needy Jack after a surgery-I know they meet post shoulder surgery but maybe he just gets his appendix out or we imagine if they had been together for it idk

*During the shoulder surgery they are still good friends. And after when he was all loopy he had a moment with Ellen where he confessed how much he loved Ava but he doesn't remember it. Ellen now giggles when she sees the two together before they get together.*

Jack's appendix burst in the middle of the night and Ava woke up to him practically crying because he was in so much pain. This is were the clinginess started. He was all sweaty and had a fever. Jack wanted Ava to hold him, but not to touch him becaue that hurt too much.

Eventually she convinced him to let her take him to the hospital to get check our, best case it was nothing and they could give him something for the pain, worst case it was something more severe and maybe he need surgery

It the was worst case scenario. Jack needed immediate surgery. Ava stayed as long as she could with him holding her hand until they needed to take him back.

During the hour long procedure Ava took the time to update the necessary people and the rest of Jack's family. Maisie and Svea brought her coffee and breakfast afterwards.

After surgery Jack was a joy. He was so goofy. When he woke up he telling the nurse to keep her hands off, he has a really pretty girlfriend and she was waiting for him.

When they finally let Ava back to see him, he thought she was another nurse. It took him a minute to realize it was his Avy.

"You're not my Avy. My Avy is prettier" "Yes, Jack it is me, Ava" Jack squinted harder "It is you! I missed you." He got the biggest biggest smile on his face "Avy you left me. And I was so sad, now your back and I'm so happy!"

Since he couldn't have Ava holding him, Jack grabbed a hold of her left hand and started playing with it. He created a new handshake that he insisted they do everyday. Eventually he fell asleep and he cuddled her hand so she couldn't leave him again.

Ava had to pee and struggled get her hand free. When she got back Jack was crying becasue she left him again and he couldn't find her. "Don't do that again! I was so scared"

side note, I am completely convinced that Jack likes to be the little spoon and held by Ava.

#nightingale au #jack x ava #ava johnson #jack hughes

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designernishiki · 1 year

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update on my y0 platinuming endeavors: two trophies left until platinum. frothing at the mouth

#its just the one where I have to do three co-op attacks with oda or tachibana and then finishing on legend mode #that’s it #I am…….close #I’m not rushing too much tho becuase I like 0 and becuaee legend mode is (shockingly) not super easy so I wanna be able to get #most of my abilities and some good weapons and whatnot #which. of course takes money. so I have to do Business Stuff in order to make money to get abilities and weapons and then do other things #to get completion points for other abilities and blah blah blah #anyway I’m not worried about anything except that fucking awful car shootout that’s immediately followed by protecting makoto in the that #warehouse. cause you can’t save in between those two sequences and they’re both Hard As Hell in legend mode from what I’ve seen #makoto dies in like. two hits I believe. so. not great #worst case scenario I have my friend do it for me but #id feel unaccomplished if I did that………#we’ll see I guess #rambling #y0

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musical-chick-13 · 8 months

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Again, always very confusing to me when people suffering from The Obsessive Compulsives are Antis™, like these people will not protect you. They believe thought crimes are real. They inherently hate you and WILL throw you to the wolves if they ever come to know about anything related to your intrusive thoughts or the """""weird""""" things they ask you to do in therapy to manage/cope with them.

#you know how in erp a big part of it is writing down/thinking about the actual worst case scenario? you know the scenario that #often leads to people being harmed in a permanent way? you know creating a fictional scenario where bad things happen to good #people and you are the cause of them? THE VERY KIND OF FICTION THESE PEOPLE ARE AGAINST EXISTING IN ANY FORM BECAUSE IT #'NORMALIZES' WHATEVER TF THEY'RE ON A CRUSADE ABOUT ON ANY GIVEN DAY #THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. THIS WAY OF THINKING IS /ACTIVELY ANTITHETICAL/ TO RECOVERY FROM THIS DISORDER #this is related to the 'does anyone else get Themes™ about writing' question I posed a while back and some of these people..........#if you knew the specifics of what I was writing about you would COMMIT ARSON #IT'S NOT REAL! NONE OF THIS IS REAL!! YOU ARE ONLY GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE FOR YOURSELF BY MORALIZING FICTION IN THIS WAY #I USED TO HAVE CRISES OVER SYMPATHIZING WITH AND ENJOYING VARIOUS HORRIBLE FICTIONAL WOMEN TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS DIRECTLY!!!!!!!#and ngl a lot of these arguments about why xyz is Irredeemable™ sound a LOT like my disorder.#(especially in the way they try to like...twist things into fitting into a definition of [insert type of problematic dynamic here] a la #'character raising their voice at someone one time during a high-stakes situation is abuse' or 'people who were friends as children #are Related Actually')#like. you get why. you get why this VERY disorder would think in similar ways to that right. because it tries to convince you that #everything you do is violating various human rights correct? you get why this would be unhelpful right?#IF YOU SOUND LIKE MY FUCKING DISORDER!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!#In the Vents #okay I'm done. this just. It BUGS me.

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iniziare · 3 months

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Re-tag drop: Yelan

#yelan: ic. [ that's a worst-case scenario. but all too often; the most pessimistic speculation turns out to be the closest to the truth. ]#yelan: inquiries. [ oh? you'd like to know more about me? what will you give in exchange then? ]#yelan: countenance. [ an old friend of mine once privately commented to me that yelan “is always smiling; but never with her eyes.” ]#yelan: introspection. [ like a phantom she appears in various guises at the center of events; and disappears before the storm stops. ]#yelan: meta. [ the chances are if i open this door; there can be no witnesses left alive. is that a sufficient reason for you? ]#yelan: little notes. [ how can things ever be the same again: knowing your life was saved when others weren't? salvation can be a burden. ]#yelan: wishes. [ that which hides inside her… that constant calling; it is the blood of heroes which has been howling for 500 years. ]#yelan: etc. [ every round of finger-guessing is a tiny adventure; and every roll of dice sends sporadic thrills down her spine. ]#yelan: home. [ i'm guessing you've fallen for the rumors about me being very wealthy; having high demands for my standards of living? ]#yelan: yanshang. [ the teahouse has really brightened up after the boss took over and kicked the fatui and gamblers out. ]#yelan: lantern rite. [ every year on this day; the lanterns light up the night. may the fire never die and may humanity endure. ]#yelan: chasm. [ perhaps she will plunge into that darkness one day; and the ill fate that once befell her ancestors shall find her too. ]#yelan: scope. [ i serve ningguang. the tianquan of the qixing. the scope of my work includes some of liyue's biggest secrets. ]#yelan: weaponry. [ water. divided it is as streams uncounted: close yet untangled. united it is as a giant wave: inexorable; unstoppable. ]#yelan: uncle tian. [ there's nothing wrong with wanting to win other people's respect. but when has uncle tian looked down on anyone? ]#yelan: ningguang. [ we both made a mistake: we shouldn't have involved ordinary folk in what we do. / ordinary folk? ]#yelan: xiao. [ you think you're oh-so cold and ruthless. i'm not buying it. - losing one of us so the rest can escape? some victory that is #yelan: keqing. [ if something happens that they didn't anticipate; it throws their plans into oblivion. but the yuheng is different. ]#yelan: ganyu. [ i could never work non-stop like she does. certainly not at that level of efficiency. i guess being half-adeptus has its pe #yelan: yanfei. [ when i help her out; i always get some invaluable leads in return. gotta say though: i think she respects me a little much #yelan: traveler. [ you don't have to be on guard around me. i never scheme against people who have my stamp of approval. ]#yelan: v youth. [ you're still young. be patient. believe in yourself; and don't look outside yourself to prove your value. ]#yelan: v. pre-qixing. [ i don't do these things to help the powerful or mighty get rid of dissident forces. but because water too has a sou #yelan: v. qixing. [ seeing isn't always believing. and if you can't trust your eyes; you certainly can't trust rumors. ]#yelan: liyue. [ liyue will never plunge into disaster without clue of the danger like it once did. she will see that it is not unprepared.#yelan: wriothesley. [ don't fight over fleeting gains or losses. focus on where your heart is leading you and move forward. ] delusionaid.#yelan. [ i can't change the facts. but if it's a choice between the cold; hard truth and blissful unawareness: i'll take the former. ]

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dykedivorce · 9 months

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dreamt about reuniting with my friend on the 5th anniversary of the last time we talked. hm. not a big dream interpreter but I feel like it might mean something

#wrote her a text it's in the send box. i feel sick. being vulnerable with someone with whom you dont know where you stand is agonizing tbh!#conjuring my therapist's voice while i white-knuckle my phone ''there is strength in vulnerability it's the first step to #a richer emotional landscape''#okay ELISA but the emotional landscape is too rich it's overflowing with riches!! in fact. it could stand to be poorer #realistically worst case scenario she answers yeah i fucking hate your guts for the way being in love with me made you a terrible friends #best case scenario she goes omg nooo i thought YOU hated me all this time im so happy 2 hear from u i miss you exactly as much as u miss me #most probable scenario though is just. mild response.#oh hi it's been a while! idk why we stopped talking either. my life is very different now and we dont have much in common anymore. xoxo #i sent the text im gnna frow up . i hauve covid from being 2 open emotionally remind me to never do that again

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kittlyns · 4 months

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A hard pill for me to swallow lately has been that, despite everything, I'm probably the best version of myself that could've existed. And that's not really a comforting thought.

#it's a special kind of doomed imo.#every other path most likely led to something worse #maybe it's pessimistic to think of it that way. maybe I should be more grateful that it isn't worse #but it's hard to find that within me atm #the best of bad outcomes doesn't mean good. it doesn't mean I'm happy.#it just means every other option would have been more miserable. and it's disheartening to think like that ofc #and I know the logic is flawed. but I know myself and even with the advantages I have I'm unable to make anything of myself #had I chosen differently it would only be worse. I'd still be impoverished. I'd still be depressed.#I might just also be stuck in a cult and married w kids in the middle of fucking nowhere wisconsin on top of it all #<- that's the worst case scenario. probably. really hard to say #biggest bullet I've dodged yet tho. completely unintentionally too.#another hard pill to swallow: sometimes the things we want the most WILL ruin your life and it's a blessing when it falls through #unfortunately you don't get to know this until years later #as you watch your ex best friend marry a man almost 2x her age and birth kids she never wanted into this world #and then you're like OHHHH that would've been my fate... I get it now 😐#still. there's no relief in the realization because while you would've been miserable w a shitty husband and 3 or 4 kids #you are in fact still miserable without them. but oh well.#I would say 'anyways. I just need to go to the beach.' but honestly. I haven't felt the desire to do anything at all lately.#we're past the point of letting the sand and waves heal me. we're almost past the point of needlessly venting online!#there's so much I usually would vent about here but I have hardly had the urge to do so.#I'm just tired. life has drained me dry. my heart aches constantly and I barely know why

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just-rogi · 4 months

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im so fucking tired of going to the doctors. i cant keep up. every week its a new test or a new lab or a new specialist. i'm just exhausted. i have to go in for blood work AGAIN- this is the fourth time since april. its expensive, and time consuming, and honestly? im tired. im just tired. all the fucking time im tired of the lack of answers, and the phone calls in the middle of the day, and crying at work in front of my students, and opening my email to new lab results every other day. IM TIRED OF IT!!! im not even afraid of hospitals or needles i never have been, even as a kid, but i couldnt stop crying last time i got bloodwork. ive never been upset by bloodwork before what the fuck. last week i had an ultrasound of my liver and i got a call in the middle of the work day today that i need to get a BONE SCAN?? are you kidding me?? im scared. and im tired. and im angry. and i dont want to do any of this. i just want to cry and isolate myself and go to bed and not see anyone ever but i cant fucking do that because i have to go get injected with radioactive contrast material and wait four hours so they can see what is wrong with my bone enzymes.

#i think the worst of it is i can FEEL myself being a bad teacher #and i can FEEL myself being less patient with my students #and yelling more #and crying at work every day #its not fair to them and i should go back on medical leave but i need to get paid.#i dont qualify for FMLA as a teacher #i can also feel myself being a worse friend #and just being emotionally so heavy to be arround #or #isolating entirely #and not texting back or talking to people i love #because what do you even say to someone you love a lot who wants to comfort you #but who you dont want comfort from at the moment #like #im scared #and there arent any answers #and maybe something is wrong and maybe something isnt wrong and maybe its all in my head and maybe its bone cancer #its not cancer lol #like there is no evidence of that im just being dramatic and frealing out about the worst case scenario #its probably my thyroid or my vit d or malnutrition or a fracture we didnt know about or something else #but it doesnt make me feel any better to be rational #and im hurting my friends and my students and myself by being as anxious as i am all the time #but like what choice do i have i feel hysterical #but also they wouldnt be ordering blood tests and ultrasounds and bone scans and x rays and heart monitors and tilt table tests and neuro #if they thought it was all in my head... right? like my lab work SHOWS that there is a problem..but i still feel like im crazy

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lightbulb-warning · 1 year

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waking up at 4am because team meeting is in bumfuck NOWHERE

#i love my friends and cherish getting to see them (getting motion sick by the most convoluted train route you've ever seen in your life)#context: in the social circle im one of the bitches that lives 2 hours away on default settings #but today it's even “bumfuck nowhere” for them!! which means im going into oblivion. fun!#mind you this is europe #in europe you'll HAVE trains that go in the middle of nowhere but sometimes the train station are like. two bricks and an old sign.#great for pictures! not great for feelings of safety!#*shrug* it'll be fine! if it isn't then *shrug 2* worst case scenario i die! (me dying is not a likely scenario and ill be okay)#don't mind me im just giving myself a peptalk in the tags #remember what you're doing this for maiora!!!!!!!! PEOPLE LAUGHING AT YOUR JOKES IN PERSON!!!!!! /hj #okay but genuine real talk ill be fine there's nothing that can go wrong that i can't handle #shut up maiora

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theygender · 9 months

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If I reblog anything weird please feel free to alert me, I'm currently sick and on medications that make me drowsy/confused so some things are not fully processing for me when I read them

#reblogged a post earlier like telling people to stop being mean if they want friends and i thought it all seemed okay #but i guess my brain turned off after the line that was like #'the worst case scenario is actually not that you end up alone but that you end up with other mean people'#bc i didnt realize that it directly followed that up with 'and end up a drug addict' until one of my followers just pointed it out ☠️#so. thank you to the follower that pointed that out. i cant remember your username unfortunately #we do not demonize addicts in this household so i have deleted the post #but if anyone else notices any weird stuff like that on my blog feel free to let me know bc it almost certainly was not on purpose #i maybe shouldnt be on tumnlr rn but its easier than playing video games #and watching youtube/tv/etc just keeps making me fall asleep :(#rambling

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dixiedingo · 1 year

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Bahhh

#been feeling crummy #doesn't help my eliptical machine finally gave up #but I've been obsessing again #i hate it when I do this because I don't feel like I have any control over it #no matter how hard I distract myself I just keep thinking about the pains and stuff #this morning I couldn't stop thinking about how abandoned I feel/felt #yesterday and today i just feel ugly. unsightly.#and i wanna make friends but also i know I'm super intense with my feelings and reactions.#and i know. we just live inna day and age where people just. don't have the patience for it #it feels like if i ever complain to anyone they'll just abandon me and complain about how like #self absorbed and emotional I am #and I know this is all irrational but when it actually happens to you when the worst case scenario actually happens #you get so jumpy and frightened #my problems seem so intense and so much cause everytime I bring it up I judt get hit with #“oh.” or “wow.” or “im sorry.”#and its like you're clearly uncomfortable! and now I feel bad! and its like I can never tell anyone whats wrong.#and the few people who do listen I can never get them to talk to me in normal circumstances #so i feel like you're a therapist more than a friend and thats worse bc its like im using you #vent #i just feel like crying but I know it wont fix anything and i'll just get another nose bleed

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mars-ipan · 1 year

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^ nervous but excited

#the senior picnic is tomorrow and i’m genuinely looking forward to it #i’m also kinda scared shitless bc i am going to. ask someone out lmao #SCARED !!!!! i have literally never directly asked someone out with my words before #bc like. okay. when i was a kid and had my first crush #i told EVERYONE in the class except that kid. so eventually someone accidentally told him #since then i have sworn myself to secrecy with crushes. i tell my most trusted friends and NOBODY else #….iiiincluding the person i’m crushing on #i once wrote a note to a kid in middle school but 90% sure i was bearding so i don’t really count it #anyways point is i have liked this person like literally all year. and i do not know what i’m doing #i’ve done tarot readings. i’ve had dreams (they kissed me in my nap dream earlier it was O-O). like i am being given the green light #and i know if i DON’T say anything i’ll regret it #and worst case scenario it’ll be a lil awkward and then we’ll go back to being friends (they’re not an asshole and neither am i)#but i’m still so so so fucking nervous bc i’ve never done this before!!!! and it’s new and i’m not in control and idk what will happen like #at all #bc ok. i don’t think i’m definitely going to get rejected. but i also don’t think it’s definitely gonna be mutual yaknow???#bc i’ve been looking for signals. and i think there have been some????#i’m normally very good at knowing when ppl are flirting with me #but when i like the person i become COMPLETELY oblivious no matter how hard i try #i am fully unsure of how they feel about me #like offering to do heart hands with someone for a picture and regularly complimenting their hair and foot positioning and laughing at jokes #when nobody else does and and and #they do a bunch of shit like that! and it’s just like. they’re such an overall nice person that idk if they’re flirting w me #or if that’s just who they are. i do not know #ANYWAYS. i gotta go to bed so i’m well-rested and don’t chicken out #bc i will kick myself forever if i do #uhhhh #goodnight tumblr #wish me luck !! please i need it very badly

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mejomonster · 1 year

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One of my favorite anxiety tips i read, was this: if you tend to fear the worst outcome will happen or be very stressed about something (like say going to the grocery store, a party, going to the doctor visit, riding the bus, whatever)

Before you go, take a moment to think out a few things. 1. Think the worst case, that you're possibly fearing, and what you might do if it happened or what consequences it might have. Say you're worried about going to the grocery store. For me, I may be worried worst case they won't have what I need, I'll forget what I need, the cashier tries to talk to me and i royally fuck up what I say, they call me a bitch, maybe I run into an ex at the store who tries to follow me. For me maybe I'd plan to just leave asap if any of those things happen: just go straight home, never go to that specific grocery store again, do my shopping online next time from a different store. Basically I think of what I'm scared of, and what my plan maybe is if it happens.

2. Think of your best case scenario. Really be indulgent, whatever is your personal best case. For me, if I don't want to see anyone, my best case is the grocery store is quite empty and I don't have to look at anyone, everything I need is there and easy to get to AND the Jean jacket I really want is there for sale for like $6 and in my exact size, and maybe when I check out I get complimented on my hair (or the cashier barely notices me). For you, it might be that you get tons of compliments on your cute clothes, everything is cheaper than usual, you meet the love of your life in the baked goods isle and they get your number and ask you on a date, you run into your best friend there and she talks to the cashier for you (if you don't like talking to the cashier), and you get to pet a puppy outside the store (if you like puppies). You can make the best case scenario as awesome as you want it to be. (And honestly you'd be surprised how potentially awesome the actual outing could be... I did my "best case dream scenario" for a vacation I was worried about once and 90% of my unrealistic best case stuff happened).

3. Now think of a realistic case of what will probably happen. Something in between your worst fear and best hopes. For me, for grocery shopping, the realistic case I'd think about would be: I go, some stuff is for sale and somes expensive but I mostly end up spending what I planned, it's a bit busy but no one talks to me because I don't talk to them, if I see anyone who lives around here i dont want to talk to then i just walk away from the area they're in, I get most of what I went for but maybe forget a couple things or they don't have them, I check out and maybe say "have a nice day" to the cashier and feel stupid but I leave and the cashier forgets what I said because they don't know me and see hundreds of people a day. I leave. It's not a super great time but it's not super awful.

When you actually go, the realistic case you thought of is the closest to how it will probably actually go. The realistic case is usually something that can be gotten through. (And if you thought of worst, best, and realistic cases, and the realistic is still "i get physically hurt badly" or "I have a panic attack and have no safe escape and try to kill myself" then it's probably fair to just Not Do it even if people are pressuring you to).

If something worse happens, you might already have a plan for it (my plan is to leave immediately if something I really dislike happens and pick a different grocery store in town in the future), if something better happens (like if you love puppies and get to pet one) then maybe scary outing had some parts you enjoyed.

This doesn't work for everything. It's helped me with some everyday situations though.

#anxiety #rant #advice #so like. personal examples of when it has worked versus has not:#when i moved out of my parents i had an unhealthy codependent and quite traumatized relationship with them #it was simply NEVER safe to bring up certain topics with my mom. and visiting my mom #always included in the worst case scenario: leave immediately if she screams or hits you. drive a neighborhood away and park #immediately call friends so you dont try to kill yourself in the middle of a panic attack.#and also included: if you cant call a friend when you go? then do NOT go to moms. if you cant safely escape if #a panic attack starts? do NOT go over there.#so like... even with worst best realistic cases? there were times it simply was not safe to visit my mom #because the worst case risk of suicide attempt with no one to reach for support was Not something safe to risk #likewise say your situation is you left TV at physically abusive ex's house and want to pick it up #the reality is. if you have no people to back you up. then worst case the ex may hurt you if you #go over alone to get your TV. in which case you simply Cannot go get your tv. not without friends. the worst case isnt #worth the risk.#now situations where best worst realistic often helps me? doctors #im horribly afraid of them. worst case: they refuse to treat me while im actively dying and i need to go to ER #when that happens i dont usually risk shit with doctors #but if i AM stable enough im not actively dying? then worst case is they hate me and refuse to help me #and then i go find a New Doctor who treats me respectfully and helps me (ultimately a bad outcome that i can endure and fix)#best case: doctor greatly improves my quality of life and helps figure out whats wrong and treat me #normal case: doctor orders some possibly useful test and prescribes a possibly useful med afterward #and if it helps yay. if it doesnt help i call them or have another appointment and they try some #more tests and meds.#best and normal case are good. even worst case i can endure (as long as im not actively dying)#this also works good for: should i go to party. to fair. to store i like. to discord chat. etc #if its something you Really Like then your Best Case Scenario might be so wonderful it will make you want to bear the fear to do it anyway

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