#worst case scenario I have my friend do it for me but
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Finale Thoughts
This is a very special thank you to all the Fast Passers. Y'all did amazing, truly, because I actively read anything and everything without any attempt to shield my eyes from spoilers and I still knew nothing. This post is dedicated to you guys.
Alright guys. You know the drill. Get the hot coco and strap in.
Lets start with Deacon:
Deacon acknowledging that Chase is more likely to interact well with Buddy is actually so good to see. It's so nice to see Deacon prioritize Prunella's safety and to be more comfortable with being put in "lesser" positions, like babysitting! (Think back to sick! Chase, and look at how far Deacon's grown)
Deacon and Prunella's talk: Prunella calling out Deacon for always talking about being great instead of just being great. That's so good, genuinely--Prunella shrugging and being self-confident and Deacon finally really hearing it. He needs to just be what he wants.
Deacon's relationship with horses symbolizing his frustrations with his inability to control his life was NOT something I expected and I openly applauded. That's brilliant.
Don't be mistaken: Deacon sacrificed himself. He knew the risks of making the horse play bridge. He watched the horse fall victim to the spread of the pages. The horse was still neighing when it's legs started to turn--Deacon could have yelled, but he didn't, because he was too focused trying to make sure that Chase and Prunella, at least, could escape.
The speech Buddy gave him, which I will reference so many times, about there being a time to be the hero and a time to be the helper, is SO applicable. Deacon "is happy to help." He isn't trying to be the hero, and he isn't trying for glory, and he just wants his cousin and his friend-ish to be safe. And it's specifically when he's not trying to be the hero that he ends up being the hero, by taking control of the reigns and getting Prunella to Chase and risking his life. He follows Bronze and Prunella's advice, and listens to the speech, and listens to himself: He stops asking for permission. He steps up. He becomes the hero.
Cannot wait to see Deacon's reaction when Chase undoubtedly tells him how they escaped. I can't decide if Chase is immediately going to say "Buddy and I kissed" or if he's going to say "I figured out an escape and stop asking questions" but no matter what, Deacon's going to be squinting at his cousin and groaning.
ALSO can't wait to see how this arc impacts his relationship with his parents. Like I'm so excited. A Deacon that's more confident being able to step forward and say "No, I don't want to devote my life to something I'll actively hate. That's ridiculous." might be the end of me ngl, I love him.
Prunella!
Prunella my love
Prunella my LOVE
She has this confidence that we only see falter twice: when she struggles with the other kids, and right now. And in both situations, she didn't know what to do, and she was in over her head, and she reminded us that she's just a KID
Her arc has been the exact opposite of Deacon's, and it's so cool to watch them both experience opposite lessons in the same arc. Deacon learning how to step forward and lead while Prunella learns how to step back and follow.
Prunella hearing, constantly, about how dangerous the books are and finally SEEING the books as dangerous. Prunella finally understanding why Deacon was so strict about the books she could travel in, because most of their worst-case scenarios came true in a single swoop.
Prunella also has not met Buddy yet. She saw him, described him as the mean guy, and then perished. Truly an icon.
I am so convinced that Prunella and Buddy would be friends. Even if it starts rocky, I think they both enjoy humbling the Hollow boys too much to not grow to like the other's presence. I can't believe I have to wait for season 2 to get confirmation of this but I am going to be so smug when I am correct
Chase:
CHASE
CHASE EVERETT HOLLOW i have never in my life ever loved a character like I love Chase. I talk so much about Buddy but that is me being a wing-woman, Chase my love Chase, I love him so much
Fun fact I didn't even like Buddy until the first Cinderella story. I was so convinced I wouldn't like him, but I resigned myself to cheering for Stargoth anyway (I was part of the Canvas/Discover Squad, i had a LOT of hiss hiss Buddy) solely because if Buddy made Chase happy then sure I'll accept it, and now i adore Buddy, Punko is just that good
Every single moment of Chase in this arc stole my attention. every single panel. God I could do a dive longer and deeper than my Buddy analysis but exclusively on Chase during the finale arc. i could do it exclusively on Chase during the finale. I could do it on any singular panel.
Chase being guilty about lying to Buddy alone was heart-wrenching, but Chase literally only got more and more heartbreaking. Him constantly trying to help everyone--the keys, for example, with a resort for them to enjoy--only for things to go wrong--the resort, for example, drowning the book. He just wants to HELP
Buddy was 100% correct in calling out Chase for pinning the blame on Deacon, but what he didn't realize is Chase wasn't trying to do that. Chase truly felt terrible, and he truly wanted to apologize, and him bringing up Deacon was him being honest and factual because he did argue with Deacon about it, but he did end up listening to Deacon. And Buddy gets more frustrated because Chase is misunderstanding the problem--it isn't Chase hiding Prunella, it's Chase refusing to trust Buddy
And when you think about it. Chase absolutely has no reason to. Chase doesn't even know his name WHICH I WILL TALK ABOUT LATER bc kdjfherigh but! In Chase's eyes, yeah why would he. He's literally desperate to have Buddy prove that hes legit and good and kind and Buddy keeps shoving that away (Buddy saving Deacon's life and then pointedly not mentioning that, for example).
It's also the fact that Chase is trying so hard to stay optimistic despite such extreme levels of guilt. It's the fact that he stays clutching to that persona of optimism even after seeing paper! Deacon and Prunella, and it's only when he's staring at a bleeding Buddy that the full situation sinks in
Chase finally breaking. Oh my God you dont know how long I was waiting to see Chase splinter apart. This is a kid trying to do the impossible, and every single time something goes wrong, he feels like it's his fault. The book got destroyed? Buddy got betrayed? Admitting that he doesn't trust Buddy? Getting way less narratonin than Deacon or Prunella? He blames himself for all of it, first and foremost, and it's finally on full display
Chase even trying to send Buddy away? Pushing and pushing because he is so desperate to save someone, anyone, even though that's literally a death sentence for him. And he doesn't hesitate, either--it's practically instinct, even though Chase would never agree to leave if the roles had been reversed.
And like...augh Buddy hugging Chase, and Chase hugging him back? That was painful enough, but you add in Chase admitting that he doesn't want Buddy to leave?
This is not the post for me to point at Chase and accuse him of abandonment issues, but know that I am pointing at Chase and I am accusing him of abandonment issues. I am looking at him feeling hurt that Deacon left him in the Toffee arc, I am looking at him constantly repeating that he's not going anywhere, I am looking at him running to apologize to Buddy after spending so much time bitter about Buddy avoiding him, I am looking at his avoidance of talking about his mom in situations where "My mom is dying and this is important to me" would be really helpful, and I am thinking accusations
But anyway
Chase and his abandonment issues: literally all he wants is for someone to stay, safely and securely. His mom, Deacon, Silver, Buddy, even his dance partner. He's always at risk of losing someone, and he's about to lose everything, and all he can do is admit that he just wants Buddy to stay, because he's scared
Chase you are my sun you are my stars you are my whole solar system I will give you the world
Also, I absolutely knew the repeated comments about Chase being an idiot would get to him. Chase is SMART, guys. He's perceptive. He knows when he messes up, and he tries to look past the mistake and into how to rectify it, but that doesn't mean he isn't aware that he did something wrong. And people (Buddy) kept snapping that he was stupid, or an idiot, or ridiculous, bc Chase would make a mistake (or stick by a decision), and he would NOTICE that people thought it was ridiculous. He just didn't care, because he was either sticking with it, or trying to fix it.
And he DOES. He notices the words in the sky, realizes the solution, figures out the entire thread behind the stories (they want to be enjoyable and they want to have a good ending), and explains it all to Buddy. Chase figured it out, because he's so much smarter than everyone assumes.
Anyway Buddy hugging Chase and telling him he can stay a while longer (this is a scene burned into my heart) (more on that later) and telling him he's not stupid and that he's trying his best is SO important. This might be the first time in the entire story that someone finally sees Chase. Someone finally prioritizing Chase and putting Chase's wellbeing first and telling Chase yeah sure maybe you messed up but you're doing the impossible every single day and you're TRYING.
And for it to be Buddy? Like ignore the romance entirely--if someone who always insults you and is notoriously difficult to please tells you "No, you're not stupid. You're trying your best" while hugging you? thats the most sincere thing in the world. that's tears immediately.
Chase suggesting kissing is also askdjns because (again, ignore the romance part of it)--he always skips the kissing scenes. We know thats because he wanted to save his first kiss, and he's the one who offered. Yeah, okay, sure, it was life or death, but Chase didn't hesitate, and didn't weigh his options, and didn't even consider saying "a kiss on the forehead would probably suffice." guy went straight for "i need the mouth to mouth"
the grin. The bright eyes. the pressing fingers to his lips. He's so happy, so genuinely happy.
I truly, truly, TRULY cannot wait to see what this means for our idiots. I can't wait for someone to try to have a conversation and for someone else to not want a conversation, or for them to be so awkward with each other, or for Deacon to want to skin them both, or for WHATEVER turn this takes. And im SO happy for Chase.
Buddy:
I wrote this whole thing and it just deleted. i am furious
NOX
NOX I LOVE THAT NAME NOX NOX NOX
Punko i cant believe you were worried we wouldnt like it. nox nox nox nox nox i love that
okay first: the two theories for key Nox, as they are rn, are 1) that Nox has always been the villain key, or 2) that Nox was tricked/manipulated/experimented into becoming the villain key.
1) If he'd always been the villain key, it makes sense why he never told Chase his name. Chase would have immediately told Silver and company, who would have had to stare at Chase and ask them if he had a crush on their brother
1) if he'd always been the villain key, his distrust of Chase could be explained by him distrusting all humans. This would follow course with him also being frustrated by Deacon, which yes was partly because of jealousy but also partly because Deacon was a new key holder.
1) ALSO of course he was a nightmare about Chase with the key--he had no reason to believe Chase would treat the keys well. it's also possible that he knew Silver had a crack, and thats why he helped Chase in the first cinderella book--so that Chase could meet Silver.
2) if he BECAME the villain key, it makes sense why he never asked Chase details about his key. Why he never asked about Silver or Bronze, or if they were okay, or how they were settling, despite routinely trying to get details about other factors of Chase's life. He assumes Chase is selfish, true, but he doesn't ever accuse Chase of being cruel with them.
2) if he BECAME the villain key, the line of "Don't you want to be human again" holds a lot of power. Yes, it's possible that the keys were once people and Nox wants to go back to that, but its been CENTURIES.
2) if he was always the villain key, the line of "Don't you want to be human again" would be applicable to all the keys, bc it would assume they were all human once (obligatory Keys are People Too mention, it's an amazing ao3 fic by incomple shoo go read it). Silver, Bronze, AND Goldie never mentioned that, and Punko likely would have foreshadowed it earlier.
2) if he BECAME the villain key, it makes sense why he wasn't included in the dream Silver had! Where she dreamt about her family!
2) if he BECAME the villain key, his constant reference of Silver as "the key" or as "it" also makes sense. Earlier, like episode three or so, he mentions needing to get Silver back before the old man returns. It's Silver specifically, without mentioning trying to track down anyone else.
2) if he BECAME the villain key, his name being objectively different from the other keys makes sense. Silver, Bronze, and Goldie were all named after the metal they were made from! Violet is purple! Yes, Nox means night, and yes, Nox has a moon on his back, but if Goldie isn't called Sunny, then I would argue Nox's name should count as way more subtle than everyone else's.
anyway theres a lot of points on either aspect
I could do into the character growth of Buddy, but I'm actually going to focus on the hug. Not the kiss, even though it's nice to see the fixation on Chase's hair stays strong, but Buddy immediately recognizing a hug is needed and immediately giving him one.
Buddy love language is touch, or something
Chase says "I think we need to kiss" and there's not a single arguement from Nox's lips. He literally stares at the sky, turns slowly, and goes "Not a problem"
actually the whole "I've never been the hero. Not even in my own story" goes so strong when you remember the speech he gave Deacon about needing to act as the hero, the helper, and whatever other role when need be. Nox was given the chance to be the hero, and he took it. "I'd like to be your hero" isn't just a romantic one-liner to preface a kiss--it's Nox genuinely saying that he wants the happy ending that Chase always skips. And Chase, this time, doesn't skip it.
Nox, returning back to his space with Violet, immediately says he doesn't think he can keep doing this. But he wants to be a human, more than ever, which implies that "keep doing this" isn't just travelling into the stories, but doing something additional. Something that, we can infer, is hurting Chase.
i am wrapping this up its snowing outside and i cant feel my fingers, how do you snow people do this
if you read all of this! grab a treat <3 hope you enjoyed and love you all
#happy birthday fastpassers#cinderella boy#chase hollow#cinderella boy webtoon#stargoth#buddy#buddy cinderella boy#i live in the hot place#and its snowing#so ive been in the snow#all day#because it NEVER snows#this was a once in a lifetime opportunity#i had classes and i pretended that i was sick#lied in the snow and let the snowflakes bury me
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update on my y0 platinuming endeavors: two trophies left until platinum. frothing at the mouth
#its just the one where I have to do three co-op attacks with oda or tachibana and then finishing on legend mode#that’s it#I am…….close#I’m not rushing too much tho becuase I like 0 and becuaee legend mode is (shockingly) not super easy so I wanna be able to get#most of my abilities and some good weapons and whatnot#which. of course takes money. so I have to do Business Stuff in order to make money to get abilities and weapons and then do other things#to get completion points for other abilities and blah blah blah#anyway I’m not worried about anything except that fucking awful car shootout that’s immediately followed by protecting makoto in the that#warehouse. cause you can’t save in between those two sequences and they’re both Hard As Hell in legend mode from what I’ve seen#makoto dies in like. two hits I believe. so. not great#worst case scenario I have my friend do it for me but#id feel unaccomplished if I did that………#we’ll see I guess#rambling#y0
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Year abroad declaration of intent due in 12 days and I'm kind of freaking out about it 😭
#this isn't my official application but it's telling my uni what i intend to do and somewhat committing to a path#the reason i'm stressing is that teaching assistant is my first choice of option but if i get rejected from that (not unlikely if they can't#find a school able/willing to accommodate my stammar) then i won't have an easy time getting into study abroad as a backup#but if i list study abroad as first option then i can't apply for teaching assistant#so if i get rejected from teaching assistant then it's very likely i'll end up in a uni i wouldn't have chosen in the first place#it's only a year of my life. worst case scenario i'll stick it out and be done with it#besides the real point is to improve my french so as long as that happened then it's grand#but idk there's so much hype about the year abroad and former students saying it was the best thing ever that i'm very scared i'm gonna be#disappointed when i struggle#one again having thoughts of Maybe I'm Too Disabled For This. which is obvs stupid because many people in france have stutters too#idk man i'm so so grateful my french tutors are all going above and beyond to support me in class and for my year abroad application#but it feels very isolating being the only one in my cohort going through this and even though my friends are understanding it's.....yeah#i'm tired of putting on a brave face about it. i'm so scared and i feel so incompetent. i don't wanna be an inspiration#well for other people w speech problems wanting to do languages yeah. but not for able bodied people (aka my family 'you're overcoming so#many challenges')#i know they mean well but i'm tired. i'm so tired. i wish i was able bodied i wish [redacted] didn't happen so i wouldn't talk like this.#ellis exclaims
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me and who
#nosferatu#willfulchaos#i just scrolled through the nosferatu tag for an eternity looking for this post only to realize it's from twitter. well we have it now too#anyways. specifically inspired by this tweet i ALMOST did the same thing today#but chickened out last min and gave the other person 1 seat worth of space between us...#which by my social anxiety standards is not chickening out AT ALL actually#my bet is that the other seat is another deranged woman who (like me) couldn't find a friend willing to watch it with her#the worst case scenario would be a horror expert dude who (in the ABSOLUTE WORST case) would ask me abt favourite vampire media#when in truth it's like. i like edward cullen and nandor the relentless and damiano from maneskin#and i objectively hate horror but i'm weirdly captivated by eggers's work and really have a hunger for sick haunting shit these days#i'm doing so much overthinking and in the end the other person won't even turn up or won't even want to talk sksksksk#in all cases i'll report on saturday
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🫂
#i've had many people ask me in the DMs what could be done to help me out given the orange menace is coming back into power#the best things for me right now (I can't speak to others) is this: 1. Keep supporting my creative endeavors#no matter how little I might post or interact. Please hype me up. I need community. I need spirit to survive.#2. Help me find resources that will help myself and others. Food banks. Community meets. Passports. Finances. Mental health etc.#these are important and I don't want others feeling like sitting ducks. Even though I'm scared I want to be a solution to the problem.#I am going to be a helper in this mess cause that's who I am and I need ammo in this capacity#3. Donate so I can up my ration storage. I've been collecting food water and nonperishables and I'm trying to stock up on medication#and other basic necessities. I'm collecting as if I'm preparing to be homeless again and if I am over capacity I'm giving rations to others#I've had to make peace with the fact I can't run away. I can't move to another country as I'm broke and poor like the rest of my loved ones#4. If you have friends who are disabled or a minority or lgbtq etc. do what you can to protect them and show them that you love them#and build community#5. Share my work and that of others. Who knows if we're gonna have sites like AO3 in the future or even access to tumblr.#this is all I can think of at the moment and again I can't speak for others this is what comes to mind for myself#And I admit I'm coming from a place of the worst case scenarios#because in my mind if I imagine I'm dead or homeless etc. and work my way backward to the next worst thing before that it unravels my fear#and it gives me back my power in the situation by sitting with those fears and giving them time to speak#because in my mind if I'm already dead if I'm already homeless or at war etc. etc. then its already happened and what else is there to fear#if I've been through everything already in mind?#I'm hoping that the worst case scenarios don't transpire but I can't ignore the fact many of them could and probably will happen#in some capacity but I can control the actions I take through prep and facing these fears one by one#and most importantly sticking to routine by making sure im healthy to help people#anyway this is why ive been quiet for a while besides for spending time with friends and loved ones recently to get over what happened#im going to keep going to my classes keep helping people through my jobs try to be creative when I have spoons and little by little#make sure I have enough of what I need to get through the storm and outlive the bastards in power#I'm not sure what sort of pink variant to assign this to but its along the magenta spectrum#love you guys#we'll get through this
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Again, always very confusing to me when people suffering from The Obsessive Compulsives are Antis™, like these people will not protect you. They believe thought crimes are real. They inherently hate you and WILL throw you to the wolves if they ever come to know about anything related to your intrusive thoughts or the """""weird""""" things they ask you to do in therapy to manage/cope with them.
#you know how in erp a big part of it is writing down/thinking about the actual worst case scenario? you know the scenario that#often leads to people being harmed in a permanent way? you know creating a fictional scenario where bad things happen to good#people and you are the cause of them? THE VERY KIND OF FICTION THESE PEOPLE ARE AGAINST EXISTING IN ANY FORM BECAUSE IT#'NORMALIZES' WHATEVER TF THEY'RE ON A CRUSADE ABOUT ON ANY GIVEN DAY#THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. THIS WAY OF THINKING IS /ACTIVELY ANTITHETICAL/ TO RECOVERY FROM THIS DISORDER#this is related to the 'does anyone else get Themes™ about writing' question I posed a while back and some of these people..........#if you knew the specifics of what I was writing about you would COMMIT ARSON#IT'S NOT REAL! NONE OF THIS IS REAL!! YOU ARE ONLY GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE FOR YOURSELF BY MORALIZING FICTION IN THIS WAY#I USED TO HAVE CRISES OVER SYMPATHIZING WITH AND ENJOYING VARIOUS HORRIBLE FICTIONAL WOMEN TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS DIRECTLY!!!!!!!#and ngl a lot of these arguments about why xyz is Irredeemable™ sound a LOT like my disorder.#(especially in the way they try to like...twist things into fitting into a definition of [insert type of problematic dynamic here] a la#'character raising their voice at someone one time during a high-stakes situation is abuse' or 'people who were friends as children#are Related Actually')#like. you get why. you get why this VERY disorder would think in similar ways to that right. because it tries to convince you that#everything you do is violating various human rights correct? you get why this would be unhelpful right?#IF YOU SOUND LIKE MY FUCKING DISORDER!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!#In the Vents#okay I'm done. this just. It BUGS me.
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Re-tag drop: Yelan
#tag drop#[ yelan. ] i can't change the facts. but if it's a choice between the cold; hard truth and blissful unawareness: i'll take the former.#[ yelan: ic. ] that's a worst-case scenario. but all too often; the most pessimistic speculation turns out to be the closest to the truth.#[ yelan: inquiries. ] oh? you'd like to know more about me? what will you give in exchange then?#[ yelan: countenance. ] an old friend of mine once privately commented to me that ] yelan “is always smiling; but never with her eyes.”#[ yelan: introspection. ] like a phantom she appears in various guises at the center of events; and disappears before the storm stops.#[ yelan: wishes. ] that which hides inside her… that constant calling; it is the blood of heroes which has been howling for 500 years.#[ yelan: etc. ] every round of finger-guessing is a tiny adventure; and every roll of dice sends sporadic thrills down her spine.#[ yelan: liyue. ] liyue will never plunge into disaster without clue of the danger like it once did. she will see that it is not unprepared#[ yelan: home. ] i'm guessing you've fallen for the rumors about me being very wealthy; having high demands for my standards of living?#[ yelan: yanshang. ] the teahouse has really brightened up after the boss took over and kicked the fatui and gamblers out.#[ yelan: lantern rite. ] every year on this day; the lanterns light up the night. may the fire never die and may humanity endure.#[ yelan: chasm. ] perhaps she will plunge into that darkness one day; and the ill fate that once befell her ancestors shall find her too.#[ yelan: scope. ] i serve ningguang. the tianquan of the qixing. the scope of my work includes some of liyue's biggest secrets.#[ yelan: weaponry. ] water. divided it is as streams uncounted: close yet untangled. united it is as a giant wave: inexorable; unstoppable.#[ yelan: wriothesley. ] don't fight over fleeting gains or losses. focus on where your heart is leading you and move forward. [ delusionaid#[ yelan: uncle tian. ] there's nothing wrong with wanting to win other people's respect. but when has uncle tian looked down on anyone?#[ yelan: ningguang. ] we both made a mistake: we shouldn't have involved ordinary folk in what we do. / ordinary folk?#[ yelan: xiao. ] you think you're oh-so cold and ruthless. i'm not buying it. - losing one of us so the rest can escape? some victory that#[ yelan: keqing. ] if something happens that they didn't anticipate; it throws their plans into oblivion. but the yuheng is different.#[ yelan: ganyu. ] i could never work non-stop like she does. certainly not at that level of efficiency. i guess being half-adeptus has its#[ yelan: yanfei. ] when i help her out; i always get some invaluable leads in return. gotta say though: i think she respects me a little mu#[ yelan: traveler. ] you don't have to be on guard around me. i never scheme against people who have my stamp of approval.#[ yelan: v. youth. ] you're still young. be patient. believe in yourself; and don't look outside yourself to prove your value.#[ yelan: v. pre-qixing. ] i don't do these things to help the powerful or mighty get rid of dissident forces. but because water too has a s#[ yelan: v. qixing. ] seeing isn't always believing. and if you can't trust your eyes; you certainly can't trust rumors.#[ yelan: meta. ] the chances are if i open this door; there can be no witnesses left alive. is that a sufficient reason for you?
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A hard pill for me to swallow lately has been that, despite everything, I'm probably the best version of myself that could've existed. And that's not really a comforting thought.
#it's a special kind of doomed imo.#every other path most likely led to something worse#maybe it's pessimistic to think of it that way. maybe I should be more grateful that it isn't worse#but it's hard to find that within me atm#the best of bad outcomes doesn't mean good. it doesn't mean I'm happy.#it just means every other option would have been more miserable. and it's disheartening to think like that ofc#and I know the logic is flawed. but I know myself and even with the advantages I have I'm unable to make anything of myself#had I chosen differently it would only be worse. I'd still be impoverished. I'd still be depressed.#I might just also be stuck in a cult and married w kids in the middle of fucking nowhere wisconsin on top of it all#<- that's the worst case scenario. probably. really hard to say#biggest bullet I've dodged yet tho. completely unintentionally too.#another hard pill to swallow: sometimes the things we want the most WILL ruin your life and it's a blessing when it falls through#unfortunately you don't get to know this until years later#as you watch your ex best friend marry a man almost 2x her age and birth kids she never wanted into this world#and then you're like OHHHH that would've been my fate... I get it now 😐#still. there's no relief in the realization because while you would've been miserable w a shitty husband and 3 or 4 kids#you are in fact still miserable without them. but oh well.#I would say 'anyways. I just need to go to the beach.' but honestly. I haven't felt the desire to do anything at all lately.#we're past the point of letting the sand and waves heal me. we're almost past the point of needlessly venting online!#there's so much I usually would vent about here but I have hardly had the urge to do so.#I'm just tired. life has drained me dry. my heart aches constantly and I barely know why
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waking up at 4am because team meeting is in bumfuck NOWHERE
#i love my friends and cherish getting to see them (getting motion sick by the most convoluted train route you've ever seen in your life)#context: in the social circle im one of the bitches that lives 2 hours away on default settings#but today it's even “bumfuck nowhere” for them!! which means im going into oblivion. fun!#mind you this is europe#in europe you'll HAVE trains that go in the middle of nowhere but sometimes the train station are like. two bricks and an old sign.#great for pictures! not great for feelings of safety!#*shrug* it'll be fine! if it isn't then *shrug 2* worst case scenario i die! (me dying is not a likely scenario and ill be okay)#don't mind me im just giving myself a peptalk in the tags#remember what you're doing this for maiora!!!!!!!! PEOPLE LAUGHING AT YOUR JOKES IN PERSON!!!!!! /hj#okay but genuine real talk ill be fine there's nothing that can go wrong that i can't handle#shut up maiora
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Bahhh
#been feeling crummy#doesn't help my eliptical machine finally gave up#but I've been obsessing again#i hate it when I do this because I don't feel like I have any control over it#no matter how hard I distract myself I just keep thinking about the pains and stuff#this morning I couldn't stop thinking about how abandoned I feel/felt#yesterday and today i just feel ugly. unsightly.#and i wanna make friends but also i know I'm super intense with my feelings and reactions.#and i know. we just live inna day and age where people just. don't have the patience for it#it feels like if i ever complain to anyone they'll just abandon me and complain about how like#self absorbed and emotional I am#and I know this is all irrational but when it actually happens to you when the worst case scenario actually happens#you get so jumpy and frightened#my problems seem so intense and so much cause everytime I bring it up I judt get hit with#“oh.” or “wow.” or “im sorry.”#and its like you're clearly uncomfortable! and now I feel bad! and its like I can never tell anyone whats wrong.#and the few people who do listen I can never get them to talk to me in normal circumstances#so i feel like you're a therapist more than a friend and thats worse bc its like im using you#vent#i just feel like crying but I know it wont fix anything and i'll just get another nose bleed
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^ nervous but excited
#the senior picnic is tomorrow and i’m genuinely looking forward to it#i’m also kinda scared shitless bc i am going to. ask someone out lmao#SCARED !!!!! i have literally never directly asked someone out with my words before#bc like. okay. when i was a kid and had my first crush#i told EVERYONE in the class except that kid. so eventually someone accidentally told him#since then i have sworn myself to secrecy with crushes. i tell my most trusted friends and NOBODY else#….iiiincluding the person i’m crushing on#i once wrote a note to a kid in middle school but 90% sure i was bearding so i don’t really count it#anyways point is i have liked this person like literally all year. and i do not know what i’m doing#i’ve done tarot readings. i’ve had dreams (they kissed me in my nap dream earlier it was O-O). like i am being given the green light#and i know if i DON’T say anything i’ll regret it#and worst case scenario it’ll be a lil awkward and then we’ll go back to being friends (they’re not an asshole and neither am i)#but i’m still so so so fucking nervous bc i’ve never done this before!!!! and it’s new and i’m not in control and idk what will happen like#at all#bc ok. i don’t think i’m definitely going to get rejected. but i also don’t think it’s definitely gonna be mutual yaknow???#bc i’ve been looking for signals. and i think there have been some????#i’m normally very good at knowing when ppl are flirting with me#but when i like the person i become COMPLETELY oblivious no matter how hard i try#i am fully unsure of how they feel about me#like offering to do heart hands with someone for a picture and regularly complimenting their hair and foot positioning and laughing at jokes#when nobody else does and and and#they do a bunch of shit like that! and it’s just like. they’re such an overall nice person that idk if they’re flirting w me#or if that’s just who they are. i do not know#ANYWAYS. i gotta go to bed so i’m well-rested and don’t chicken out#bc i will kick myself forever if i do#uhhhh#goodnight tumblr#wish me luck !! please i need it very badly
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still can't decide if im tryna hang with him today
ugh its not MY fault he wasnt clear about what day he was tryna chill. but i feel bad bc like he was clearly looking forward to seeing me as much as i was looking forward to seeing him but now we both just feel like idiots
but its like bruh i have plans. and im not trying to be disappointed AGAIN today. like mf i wanna see u so bad but also if u ruin my 4/20 i will mcfreakin lose it
#thots et al#'i dont need ur love i just need a friend'#and whatnot#i finished my half of the project thats due tomorrow during class which was the real main thing i needed to get done#and my ADHD is just not letting me be functional about statistics today#so fuck it we ball#its 420 biiiitch#ugh i messaged his ass again#worst case scenario we dont chill and i still have fun smokin up w my girl#but if we do link up even if just for a blunt#that would be something
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(same anon from before) tighnari & kaveh (friend?)ship dynamics!
hmmm i definitely don't hate it (wow, i know, unbelievable) but i think partially that's because i have never seen it? 👁👁
i simply can't imagine it at all rn, gotta see some sort of content to even figure out how their dynamic would work
but again ... out of all potential evils of this world (insert every ship i hate)? this ??? is completely fine.
and i am def very into the idea of them being friends because that sparks joy in my soul heh
#k-aveh should simply be friends with t-ighnari and c-yno and all 3 of them ignore that one other dude <3#jksadlhjsdhkasdhkdas#ask adry#anonymous#let me know if u would ever want like a special tag or smth btw#ALSO i do have a soft spot for rare ships and i think this is prolly a very 'rare' one given... how popular some other ones (🤢) are#the more i think about it... i get no bad vibes...#worst case scenario - i dont care but in a good way aka it's not my ship but i respect it#best case - i'd consider it a ship i enjoy#but to repeat myself for 23848903284 time i literally never seen it 🤧
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ok the slight panic is setting in now. I will write my latin end of secondary school exam tomorrow for real for real
#earlier today a friend told me that I studied for this exam for 9 years and thus my inability to study the last month isnt the end of the wo#rld. it was only 7 yrs but I will take her words and hold them so close to my chest#worst case scenario: Diogenes wants you to have nothing and be happy. Aristoteles wants you to be human meaning use your fucking brain.#Camus is absurdism/nihilism. Nothing makes fucking sense you are free make your own fucking happinness. Science says it‘s all hormones#Epikur wants you to follow your desires but not too much#Guy with extremely long russian name which I don‘t remember also wants you to do something#but i dont remember#Seneca wants you to use your brain and also be self sufficient fucking suffer and deal and improve your life. Lust is your enemy. Friends w#ill use you.#work out. read philosophy.
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worst case scenario, i have a bunch of mediocre garlic. best case scenario, i'll never have to buy garlic again. Either way, I planted garlic today, with my brother's help, and now i feel a lot less bad.
#espy talks#espy gardens#actual worst case scenario is either it never grows or it rots#but the realistic worst case is it's just gonna be meh#i'm a beginner gardener and i'm completely self taught so *shrugs* i'm just doin my best#but yeah! i fortunately had help with my chores today so i got very important stuff done#and now that the weight of that burden's gone for now i can focus on fun stuff#ive gots a project ive been workign on that i wanna finish for the holidays#i'm fairly certain i can finish it in time#if not i'll just post what i have done#also my friend gifted me a really strong pokeman for item grinding so i wanna do that for a bit#he?? gave me a shiny irion hands ??? like he ev trained it and everything????#like i know it's not super hard to do any of that nowadays. just takes time. but still??#like. i hope i never take my friends for granted. they're amazing people#anyways i'm gonna go finish the laundry and take a break
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while i am very scared for my american friends, especially my trans, immigrant, and muslim friends, i can't help but remember that the genocide in gaza is still happening. they are already facing the worst case scenario that we will only get a short glimpse of while trump is in office. and he promises to do worse, hard to fathom as it is.
i never had any faith in the democratic party but with the federal government now entirely run by republicans i hope we can all wake up to the fact that we cannot trust it to help anyone. we have to care for each other ourselves.
which is why i'm asking you guys to donate to palestinian, lebanese, sudanese, and congolese fundraisers whenever possible. this post will center on my friend @ahmedpalestine. he's a close childhood friend of hazem khalil, who i also posted for in the past, but his campaign isn't receiving even a fraction of the support. he's vetted by @bilal-salah0 and gaza-evacuation-funds and he's a diaspora palestinian who immigrated to europe for college.
ahmed's cousin was martyred in september. they're stuck in al-maghazi camp on the coast of gaza, where there is a tank invasion and intense bombing. he told me he is now struggling to focus on school because every waking moment is spent worrying about his family. franky it's insulting that has to continuously beg online. he has no time for this. we have to do it for him
donate here.
his instagram
#og#palestine#palestine resources#gaza#free palestine#free gaza#gaza strip#save palestine#i stand with palestine#all eyes on palestine#palestine genocide#gaza genocide#uspol#us politics#usa news#usa politics#united states#election#america#usa election#election 2024#election day#election results#politics#2024 election#2024 presidential election
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