#without writing the whole essay of feelings i have on the topic

[eldritchdyke]

The recent Signalis anticommunism discussion on here made me stumble onto your take about it from last month, and while I do believe that Signalis is very... normie anticommunist (you seem to disagree), your post made me really curious, but at the same time it was very vague, and a lot of people interpreted it as "Signalis isn't anti-communist, it's anti-authoritarian". Would you be willing to elaborate?

Oof didn't realize there was more discussion to it than I thought so I won't wade into the whole of that cuz that wasn't what I was responding to at the time. Also just to preface two things; for one I am a communist myself and that did effect my reading of the text a great deal and for two I didn't say anything about the "Signalis isn't anti-communist, it's anti-authoritarian" thing myself that was a later addition from other people (personally I don't like the term "authoritarian" as a way to analyze the faults of certain socialist states but that's neither here nor there).

What I was driving at is the idea that the DDR imagery (and beyond that, as others have pointed out it isn't solely pulling from that) is doing a lot more than simple condemnation or any sort of post-war triumphalism over "dystopian" socialism. We can read a lot based on what was given attention in the text, and I think the ways that DDR imagery show up in the game are shown with a rather loving, even reverent light at times (you don't create a bunch of intricately designed DDR robot girl ocs and name some of them after historical DDR special forces units because you totally despise everything the DDR stood for). This is intentionally contrasted with the rotting and decayed state we actively find a great deal of these things in, which provides a great deal of contrast between the lowercase i ideal and the reality of an execution which was tainted by the literal bleeding psychology of collective trauma and the attempts at domination of individuals.

What results is less a coherent world as such that can be dissected as one might dissect typical worldbuilding lore and more an emotional portrait which depicts a sense of portrayal at the way the history of the DDR played out, and you may disagree with parts of that (I do with certain parts as well) but it isn't intended to reflect a dissertation on the flaws of the DDR. It's an emotion first conceptualization of tainted Ostalgie and the hauntological traces of a future which was not allowed to be for reasons internal and external, through that lens it is, to me, quite ambiguous over whether or not the source object was a negative or a positive. Instead its a truly conflicted portrayal of the emotional state one is left in after both the (again lowercase i) ideals of that revolutionary state and its practical execution, warts and all, have passed into the realm of cultural memory.

(I'm sorry that's probably a whole lot of words to not fully answer your question but tldr I don't think Signalis is as anticommunist as a lot of people think it is, I think people are generally reading the diegesis too literally and not really delving into the full emotional depth going on with how communist imagery is used in the game)

[hailsatanacab]

A Persuasive Argument - dpxdc

"Great!" Danny says, clapping his hands together to get everyone's attention. The dinner table falls silent as everyone looks towards him. It's a full house today and, honestly, Danny's a little nervous. "I'm sure you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."

"It's dinnertime. In our house." Duke mutters, while doing a very bad job of concealing his yawn. He holds his fork poised over the braised beef, but, just like everyone else, still looks towards Danny before tucking in. It's intriguing enough to wait.

"Yeah, no one misses Alfie's dinner." Dick says, with a brilliant smile that Danny can't help but return.

"Precisely! What better time to talk to you all than when you're all actually here!"

"Wait, I thought you came round to work on our English essays?" Tim asks, blinking owlishly.

"I'm afraid I've lured you here under false pretences, Tim."

"This is where I live."

"I would still really appreciate help on that essay though, I mean, what the hell is Hamlet even about? I just don't get that old time-y language, like 'Hark! A ghost hath killed me!' - absolute rubbish, what does that even mean?"

"The ghost never kills anyone in Hamlet, he's there to tell Hamlet that he was murdered. Have you actually read it?"

"No, but it sounds like you have. Tim, I want this guy to help me with my essay instead. I know for a fact that you haven't read Hamlet, either."

"So? We don't need Jason, I've read the Sparknotes."

"Hi Jason, I'm Danny, pleasure to meet you, summarise Hamlet in three sentences or less."

"Am I auditioning to help you write your essays? I can't believe you’ve gone through your whole school life without reading it, it’s good!"

"Hamlet, along with a number of other classics, was banned in our house because it portrayed ghosts as intelligent and sympathetic beings rather than evil, animalistic beasts. I didn’t even get to see The Muppet's Christmas Carol until last year with Tim! It was surprisingly good, and I hate Christmas because everyone always argued and it sucked. But we're getting off topic. I—"

"No, no, please go back to that, because what the fu—"

"Boys, please." Bruce interrupts, looking to the world as if he wants to hang his head in his hands. "Danny, you were about to say something?"

"Oh, yeah, Mr. Wayne! Thanks!"

"Please, call me Bruce."

"Well, that very succinctly brings me to my point, because I'd actually really like to call you dad."

Nobody says a word. Nobody even blinks, all as shocked as the other, watching open-mouthed as Danny pulls his laptop out from beside his chair. Bruce can definitely feel a headache coming on.

"Before you say anything, I've prepared a 69 slide PowerPoint presentation on why you, Bruce Wayne, should adopt me, Danny Last-Name-Pending. Please save your questions, comments, and verdict until the end, thank you."

[pippin-katz]

The 5 specific details of Red, White & Royal Blue spicy scenes that make me, a demisexual, feel: 🦋🫣🦋

(not ranked in any order)

I need to write an essay about this because I want to see if I'm not the only ace-spectrum person out there that has this weird- I don't want to say "exception", but that's the only word that comes to mind- when it comes to characters. But that's a topic for another post lmfao

No. 1 - Henry shoving Alex onto the couch:

Could you tell by how I keep bringing it up and using gifs of it in my essays?

Henry being confident suits him, even if we don't get too see it much. I love how Alex's smile drops because of how surprised and shocked he is by the action.

My stomach does a flip whenever I watch this clip lmfao

No. 2 - Alex tilting his head back with these expressions when Henry starts kissing his neck:

Look, I am not immune to an attractive human, being attractive; it's men like Taylor (and Nick) that keep me from being a lesbian lmfao

No. 3 - this:

I don't think I need to say anything; this feels like it should be illegal. The fact that you know when Henry actually starts *clears throat* doing what he's doing, because you can see Alex's eyes roll underneath his eyelids. Like... what the fuck Taylor? Was that really necessary??

No. 4 - Alex pushing against Henry so hard that he ends up lifting him onto the table:

Then he continues to hold his leg and pull him back towards him. It's Alex's only real moment of leading an interaction. He's controlling where they go here; Henry is going/staying where he wants him.

No. 5 - Alex's movements & Henry's facial expressions:

This whole scene was shot/filmed/edited so well. It shows everything without even showing anything. It's also very clearly "making love" rather than "having sex". It's soft and slow, and it's so clear that they truly cherish each other in every way.

All you see is Alex's body rolling, and that's all you need to see. Then you add in Henry's expressions that show how good he feels, but in a genuine-feeling manner.

They didn't need to show anymore than this for the viewer to understand what they're doing. There's no cut to Alex's hips to "show the action" or whatever. Henry's faces aren't unrealistic or pornographic. Neither of them are portraying over-the-top pleasure that feels like it was filmed just for the audience to get their kicks.

It feels genuine, and emotionally intimate as well as physically. It makes my little demisexual heart ache, and butterflies fly around in my stomach lol

Okay that's all! There won't be a part 2 cause there's nothing to put on it, and that's kinda the point of this post lol

Thanks for reading!! If you enjoyed this essay & would like to support me, you can give me a tip on my Ko-Fi! ☺️

[sky-kiss]

Raphael x Tav: Coffee Shop AU Pt. 2

A/N: Continuing from this, because someone wanted Raphael's POV and I wanted to goof off instead of writing serious things.

______

She’s a Barista. How Did it Come to This?

______

As a professor of the English language and literature on the whole, Raphael has no small amount of experience when it comes to divining an author’s intent and reading subtext. Years of honing these talents allow him to translate Haarlep’s intended message: ask the barista out. 

What he actually says is, “It’s been seven months, old man, is this a joke? Skip dinner and fuck the poor thing sideways.” Which is uncouth, uncivil, and utterly par for the course for the younger man. 

“Why are you here?”

Haarlep shrugs. He’s currently sprawled out across the only sofa in the teacher’s lounge, both monopolizing the space and looking too cramped on the loveseat. Korilla rolls her eyes, leaning over his feet to pluck another paper from the pile. The University has afforded him two assistants this semester. Only one is pulling their weight. But Haarlep’s is not without use. Between himself and his assistant, he has never seen: 

Such positive class reviews. 

So many female students with a vested interest in classical literature. 

It’s frankly uncanny. 

“You’d be happier for taking my advice.” 

“Not everyone is playing ‘catch the venereal' disease, Haarlep,” Korilla mutters. Haarlep shoots her a look. Something unspoken passes between them. In the absence of words (and Korilla’s repentance), Haarlep digs their heel into her thigh before sitting up. 

“Oh, take me with you. One evening, Raphael. That's all I need. And you and your sweet barista will be happy little lambs.” 

“Aren’t you busy?” Raphael eyes the essays. 

Haarlep waves him off. “Unimportant. I hate to see you so solemn, dear. Please.” 

And unfortunately, there’s no denying Haarlep anything once they’re in full flow. Gods save them all. 

_________

Fifteen minutes into the drive, he insists on silence. Raphael is always one for a good discussion, but Haarlep is a peculiar breed. He whiplashes from topic to topic with an alacrity most find disorienting and asserts opinions so occasionally outlandish that Raphael wonders if he believes them. The smirk says he doesn’t; half of what they do is for their amusement, the little shit. 

“You must like her,” Haarlep mutters. “The cafe might as well be in a different city.” 

“Don’t be so dramatic. We’re half an hour from campus.” 

“Mmm.” 

He doesn’t like that sound one bit. Or the look his assistant is giving him. Raphael grumbles, motioning for the younger man to go ahead of him. The bell on the door chimes when they step inside, and he’s overcome with that feeling of peace.

Tav’s shop smells equal parts coffee shop and bookstore, the slightly spicy scent of old paper lingering on the air. He associates the smell with snowy mornings spent indoors, curled beneath his covers, safe and comfortable. There are seating areas and tables, yes, indicative of any metropolitan cafe. It’s the books he fell in love with. Shelves and shelves of books, of all genres and ages. You were as likely to find a history of naval battles as you were an airport bestseller or romance. 

Haarlep pulls a face. “It smells like a library.” 

“That will be the books, you troglodyte.” 

They accept the gibe gamely enough, stuffing their hands in their pockets. Haarlep scans the place with their frankly unsettling, at times preternatural, gaze, weighing every barista. They linger on Tav. “That one?” 

“How…” 

“Raphael, you are aware of what attraction looks like, yes? Do you have some cursory awareness? That girl looked at you with the stupidest doe-eyes when you walked in. It made me a little upset. Or nauseous.” He waved a hand. “Hard to say which.” 

“Your dramatics are noted, Haarlep. Find a book. I’ll order for us.” 

“Oh, good. More reading.” 

He is very aware of Haarlep’s eyes on him as he approaches the counter. It pales in comparison to the roiling feeling in his gut. The voice in his head (sounding too much like his father) screams every time he gets close. She’s too young; they’re from different worlds. She won’t look at him. If she’s polite, it’s because she’s paid to be polite, Raphael. Tav smiles at him; the expression lights up the entirety of her face. He thinks, in that moment, that she is one of the most singularly lovely creatures he’s seen. 

“Raphael!” She uses his name. Tav leans forward on the counter, beckoning him nearer. Her little friends behind the counter share a look among themselves, snickering. “I took your advice.” She points to a shelf on the left side of the store. He recognizes the book: one of his recommendations. “You were right. I couldn’t put it down. I figured others might enjoy it too. If you have any more suggestions…” 

“Of course. Of course! It’s…very nearly my profession!” 

“Isn’t that your profession?” 

He smirks, dipping into a half bow. “Among other things. You’ll find me a font of philosophy and tired rhetoric. Should it ever strike your fancy.” 

“Mmm. You do know how to sweet talk a girl.”

He thinks he hears Haarlep groan from across the cafe. Tav is looking at him, and the weight of that stare leaves him parched or hungry. Raphael clears his throat. “May I ask how you found the ending?” 

“Why doesn’t she explain it to you,” Shadowheart says, sliding a coffee to him. “Over dinner? Say six?” 

Haarlep winds an arm around his waist, resting their chin on his shoulder. “Six is perfect, my beauty. He can’t wait. Italian?” 

“Her absolute favorite. Passatempo?” 

Haarlep reaches out to shake the she-elf’s hand. “He’s never been. But he’s so eager to try.” 

It is, perhaps, the most surreal way he’s ever gotten a date. Tav stares at him in sputtering horror, her face a vibrant red. Raphael saves her, writing his number on one of the cafe’s business cards. He hands it to her. “My number. I look forward to our…” 

“...date.” She finishes, so conclusively, so resolutely, that he laughs. 

“Yes. Of course.” 

[tavyliasin]

Villain-Fucker Angst Hours

Good timezone, darlings~ Are you ready to get all up in your feelings? No? Me neither, loves, but here we are regardless so the words are going to flow as they usually do... This is focused on Raphael from Baldur's Gate 3 and his fandom, but the latter section can easily apply to any villain fandom.

Self-Analysis of Devil-Fuckery, Or Why Do I Adore Raphael When He Is Very Obviously Evil: A Short Essay by TavyliaSin (Who Still Cannot Name Anything With Less Than A Full Paragraph) ((NSFW)) (((Game Spoilers)))

The following may discuss heavier topics, but without specifics, so whilst it should be safe for most to read without triggering any difficult memories please be aware of Raphael's entire vibes, the content and context of his story, and I'd also like to mention that this isn't a "woe be us for we are terrible people" piece, it's actually more about:

"There is an inherent kindness and warmth to much of the Raphael fandom, and I think there could be some common threads behind that, pulling us all in closer in a comforting blanket that we wrap around each other to keep out the cold of the world."

So, what in the nine hells am I on about? Well. Raphael-fandom is a wild and wonderful place to be. The rest is in sections, so feel free to skip through to what you feel is relevant to your interests. I am so prone to waffle I should open a restaurant~

Who Are Fans Of Raphael? What Do They Want?

We are feral, unhinged, all sheets to the wind "I want that devil man, carnally, and there is no force in all the planes that could stop me". There's the vanilla to the extreme and every level in between, tops, bottoms, versatiles, Doms, subs, and switches - there are a whole lot of people who would love to get their hands on either (or both) of Raphael's forms, for a simple smooch or something far more spicy~ [edited in] To add on to this, not all of us even desire him in a sexual way, for many it is romantic, soft, or even just the rather pleasant thought of spending an evening with drinks by the hellfire because he would be fascinating company. Aces, Aros, and AroAces may all find themselves well within the devilish corners of fandom too~ which is a whole other essay~ [end edit] So, I see you. I'm one of you. Extremely loud and utterly hingeless in my fan appreciation for Raphael. He's one of my favourites to write about, I seek art of him, and the same goes for his mirrored other half, Haarlep, who I arguably love more despite there being far less content of them in the game.

And the Fandom? The Vibe?

From my experience in the Raphael Fandom areas, we have a very deep and abiding understanding of consent, respect, and treating each other with an absolute and uncompromising kindness. We've had talks about keeping each other safe in fandom, exchanged details of people we have encountered who need to be avoided, even shared details between moderators of different fandom servers to pre-ban people proven to be creeps and/or art thieves. We've also discussed consent, including the issues with it in the game, and how areas of the story can only really be considered dubious at best and could easily be triggering for people. And these discussions have been open, honest, fair, and with the acknowledgement that most of us love these scenes anyway. So there's a sense of care that runs through everything, behind the horny-posting and fan content, behind the endless thirsting after our favourite fictional characters. We have a depth of kindness that warms my sinners soul every time I see it.

What Does This Have To Do With Self-Reflection, Raphael, or Villainy In General?

Well let's look at Raphael. He's a villain, obviously. He's manipulative, devious, and inherently evil by his very nature. He keeps Hope chained in his basement, constantly subjected to endless torture. There's also mention of how Gortash was sold into his service at a young age, clearly not an enjoyable experience given the other details and how things turn out (particularly as Raphael would need Gortash's own plans to fail entirely in order for him to succeed in his own and get that crown). And as fans, we accept that. We don't sit making excuses, or trying to say "well actually Gortash is a little shit and Hope probably deserve it", and we don't shy away from or conveniently ignore those darker sides of him with malicious intent to enable more evil to flourish. What I noticed, when I allowed the thoughts to continue, is that there is a theme here.

If Evil Can Be Loved Then So Can I

That's the core. Of course, darlings, I am not claiming to be a heinous monster. I certainly do not have a laundry list of crimes that would make the devil himself say "Uh, that's a bit much." But I sure as fuck treat myself like I do sometimes. You see, I think a lot of us have that tendency, to judge ourselves far more harshly than anyone else. Our patience, understanding, and forgiveness for others runs deeper than the Mariana Trench, but when it comes to our own flaws? One minor mistake and we think ourselves to be the worst beings ever to disgrace the earth. Thus, the villainy we see reflects how we are treating ourselves. So by loving and accepting all of those things that should be terrible, hated, we are actually learning that no matter how poorly we think of ourselves that we can be worthy of that same love and acceptance. We are extending the affection we are unable to show ourselves to someone we see the worst parts of ourselves amplified within. And that's why villains attract the people with the most kindness. The most forgiveness. Because it takes someone with a truly huge amount of empathy to find love for the embodiment of evil.

Or, IDK, maybe villains are just hot and we're too far down to care.

But wait, before you go!

THERE'S SOMETHING WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT.

All of this is about FICTION. We should never be accepting of the kinds of evil we see in the game irl. We do not owe anyone kindness if they do not show it to us.

What is hot in fiction is not always OK IRL.

Look after yourselves out there, remember that consent is key in all things, and please do try to learn to love yourselves, darlings, you are worthy of it and you should judge yourself by the same standard you judge others. If you are in doubt, if you are worried, if you feel afraid - reach out, talk to someone. There are many who will listen.

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. You deserve that much.

Oh, and all Raphael fans who understand kindness are welcome around me, any hour of the day, I adore our little fandom circles and would gladly collect all of us together. I'm following a lot of you as soon as I find you, like hunting shiny pokemon~

See you in Avernus, my darling Little Mice, may we all find joy in the Cambion's Embrace~

[miel-ji]

It's My Problem

Genre: angst w/ a happy ending, established relationship 

Pairing: Hyunjin x Fem!Reader 

Word Count: 2.2k

Warning: crying, some curse words, pet names, kiss 

Summary: You’ve been overworked and stressed from university, and it causes you to neglect the one thing in your life that eases your mind from it all 

A/N: Based on this request by anon! I’m sorry it took me so long to write this, but I hope you enjoy it!!

Ever since you had gotten done with classes that day, you have been sitting in the same spot in your apartment living room working on the same essay. Your professor decided to inconvenience everyone by moving the deadlines earlier without notice, so you were rushed to get through this week's assignments. Your grade had already taken a serious blow when you failed your quiz earlier, and now you were on the edge of pulling out all of your hair trying to get done with this essay. It didn’t help that no matter how much effort you put into an essay, it seemed your professor always read it with the intent of finding flaws to be able to fail you. 

You have been staring at your laptop screen, absorbed in the mind-numbing topic, until all the words started to mold together and there was nothing but static in your brain. However, you couldn’t afford any breaks, so you pushed through just hoping you weren’t asking too much of trying to get it done in time and bring your grade up a little. This essay had brought you to the brink of tears more than once, but there was nothing you could do with your pent up energy but pour it into writing like a vicious cycle. You were mentally exhausted and didn’t have time or spare energy to devote to anything else which is how you had missed the numerous texts sent from your boyfriend. 

Hyunjin was also having a miserable day, having created a whole routine that he had to scrap at the last minute since the company decided that it wasn’t the right look for him after all. He was feeling completely drained and useless having wasted so much time on something he was proud of just to be told it wasn’t good enough. He had felt he let himself down, his members, and stay, and all he wanted was to be somewhere that he could forget everything for a moment. He just needed to go home to you and put this whole day behind him, knowing that you’d give him the encouragement to try again. 

He ignored the weird feeling in his chest he got that you haven't responded to any of his texts, telling himself that you were busy at university today. The sun had long set when Hyunjin was entering your apartment, and the darkness he walked home in reflected his mood. However, when he saw you curled up on the couch in his oversized hoodie with your messy hair falling into your eyes, he felt that twinge in his chest start to ease. His features softened as he gazed at you, and he could feel the tightness in his muscles melting. 

He wordlessly made his way over to you, and he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck. You engulfing his every sense was already returning some of his energy, and he held onto you tighter. “Hey, my love,” he mumbled, pulling away to kiss the pulse point under your jaw, delighting in the steady rhythm of your heartbeat. 

“Hyunjin, love… I’m trying to work.” You ruffled his hair without even sparing him a glance, and your voice was monotonous as your headspace remained immersed in the work in front of you. 

Hyunjin was a bit taken aback about how unreceptive you were being, his grip around you loosened and his brows furrowed with worry. “Angel… Why don’t you take a break? You seem a bit tense. Maybe you just need to clear your head.” 

You bitterly laughed before pulling away slightly from Hyunjin’s arms, “No, I just need to get this done.” He sat up from the hug, but he wasn’t ready to let you go, his hands resting on your hips and rubbing soothing circles on the skin that his thumbs brushed when he slipped his hands under your hoodie. 

Hyunjin felt a sting in his heart when you moved away from him, but he realized what class you were working on and exactly how stressed you were. What hurt more was seeing your eyes glazed with tiredness and the lingering frown on your lips, so he tried again. “Y/n-“ 

“Hyunjin,” your tone was stern, almost like a warning, and you let out a long sigh. Normally, you wouldn’t have missed the way that his hands were trembling a bit from where they still rested at your sides. You wouldn’t have missed his wide pleading eyes wanting you to look at him, becoming glassier each second that yours remained trained on your laptop. You didn’t think anything about the way that he silently got up and disappeared into your bedroom with heavy footsteps. 

You weren’t really thinking at all, your mind being on autopilot to fill in every part except for this all consuming essay that could be compared to the likes of a parasite. You’re not sure how long had passed since Hyunjin had left your side and been replaced with a deafening silence, but you were finally attaching your essay file to submit. When you closed your laptop screen and plunged yourself into the darkness of your apartment, the sense of dread never left the pit of your stomach, but it was out of your hands now. You sat there for a second, letting your mind recover from the strain that you put it through, and your eyes adjusted as you looked around and noticed just how empty everything felt. 

You had a sudden longing for your boyfriend that you remember had tried to greet you earlier, but you couldn’t pull yourself away from your work. You felt around for your phone on the couch to check what time it was, momentarily blinded by the brightness before spotting the numerous notifications from Hyunjin you had received throughout the day. The text started off cute as usual, telling you how pretty you had looked after you left him to attend classes and him wishing you to have a good day. You smiled absently to yourself as you read over these, but hours later at the company, they became less and less happy as he filled you in on the emotions he was battling that day. 

Your smile slowly faded and tears welled in your eyes as you read his last text: “I can’t wait to come home to you. I just really need you right now.” A lump formed in your throat as you remembered the way you had shrugged him off of you earlier when he came home, and you regretted that you couldn’t even make the effort to show him any attention. You took a deep breath and pulled yourself off the couch, making your way to your bedroom to find Hyunjin. 

You quietly turned the door knob and pushed open the door to be greeted by the sight of a Hyunjin shaped lump under the covers, only his black tufts of hair peeking out. Your shoulders drooped at the sight of how vulnerable he looked tucked into bed like that, on his side curled into himself, and you hated that you weren’t there for him today. You tentatively made your way over to your side of the bed so as not to wake him and gently peeled back the covers to slip in beside him. You carefully shifted until you could wrap your arms around his sleeping form and press yourself closer into him. 

You wished you could make it up to him now, but it was too late, deciding that he’s had a long enough day and just needed the rest. You let the scent of his shampoo and the warmth of his body calm you as you thought of all the ways you could make it up to him in the morning. You leaned up to leave a light kiss on his shoulder before settling back down with your forehead resting against his back. You closed your eyes, ready to try to find some sleep of your own, but failing as you still felt unease in your chest. 

You were listening to Hyunjin’s steady breathing when you felt a gentle touch to your hand that was holding Hyunjin, and his raspy voice shattered the crushing silence, “y/n?” He said your name so quietly, but your heart still picked up speed. 

“It’s me, love. I’m here.” You whispered back softly, and he shifted in your arms to face you. The room was dark, but you could still make out Hyunjin’s round questioning eyes and full lips turned downwards at the corners. 

“I’m sorry for bothering you earlier today…” Hyunjin closed his eyes and exhaled shakily. 

“Love, no. You don’t need to be sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, baby.” You reached out and caressed his face, but Hyunjin’s eyes remained closed. You went to retract your hand, but he brought his up to wrap around your wrist to keep your hand in place. 

You stayed like that in silence for a long moment, stroking your thumb over the smooth skin of his face while his thumb did the same with the back of your hand, and you waited for him to say something. When it seemed like he wasn’t going to, you started to speak up again, but you felt something wet on your thumb. 

“It’s my problem. I just keep fucking up,” Hyunjin said brokenly before more tears spilled down his cheeks. “At the company, with my members, and now you…” His brows were pinched tightly and his eyes were screwed shut, trying to get the tears to stop. 

You pulled him closer to you and stroked his hair, feeling your heart crack each time that his shoulders shook from crying. You clenched your jaw in an attempt to stop your own tears, but soon you were sniffling too. “No, love. That’s not true. You didn’t do anything wrong. I should’ve been there for you.” 

Hyunjin pulled away from where his face was buried in the crook of your neck to look up at you, “shit, are you crying too? Please don’t cry, my love.” He brushed away your tears while his own still dampened his face. 

“You needed me today. You needed me to tell you how much I love you and how proud I am of you. How you’re an amazing dancer and the company is wrong for what they did. I saw your routine, love, and I cannot fathom how you can be so talented.” You said all in one breath and continued, letting it pour from your heart while Hyunjin listened with bated breath. 

“Your moves were so powerful and every detail was perfect down to your facial expressions. Even the members knew how great it was which is why they all supported you the whole way. Don’t let the company’s greed determine your worth because they are blind. They can’t see that there are millions out there captivated by your talent and all your efforts.” 

Hyunjin’s eyes shined with tears and sparkled in the moonlight as he looked up at you, and his sad expression changed into a wobbly smile, “you really mean all of that?” He asked in a tiny voice that made him seem completely unshielded. 

“Of course I do, my love. I’m so sorry-” 

“You don’t have to be sorry either. You were stressed with university, and I should’ve realized that before disturbing you.” 

“I was stressed, but that’s not an excuse for snapping at you like that. You were just trying to take care of me, and I should’ve let you. You always know how to ease my mind and take my stress away, and I just want to do the same for you. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” 

Now Hyunjin was wearing a genuine smile that made his cheeks round and his eyes turn into crescent moons. Seeing him smile again caused your own heart to warm, and you could feel your breathing become steadier. “My love…” He pulled you close to him, closing the distance until you were both tangled together again. You were face to face on the same pillow now, and you could feel his breath ghost against your lips. “You don’t need to make it up to me. You’re all I want and need.” 

“Oh, my sweet romantic boy,” he giggled when you said that, and the beautiful sound ringing in your ears brought a smile to your face. “I’m still going to make it up to you because it’s important to me that you know how much I love you.” With that, you leaned in and pressed your lips against his soft plump ones. 

The kiss was slow at first, barely grazing each other's lips until you couldn’t take it any more, and you smashed into him. You gripped at his shirt to keep him close while his own hands made their way into your hair. He coaxed your mouth open with his own, quickly gaining access and continuing to deepen the kiss. You swallowed all of his delicious sighs, and he did the same with yours until you were both out of breath, not wanting to be the first one to pull away. 

You both were breathing heavily when you finally broke the kiss, and your eyes remained on the way his lips looked even more beautiful, swollen and shiny. You reached up and traced your thumb over them, and your eyes finally flickered up to meet his gaze watching you just as closely. “So, what did you have in mind for making it up to me?” Hyunjin finally spoke up, laughing breathily, and you laughed with him before leaning back in to finish what you started.

[bookishjules]

wait i just realized that izzy won’t be anyone’s suggenes :(((( jace needs to do some charity work and pick her to be his

izzy is close to everyone in the gang (except maybe magnus) but everyone has someone they’re closer to :( she’s the heart of the group fr

gosh.. i mean it's one thing to not be any of her best friends'/siblings' suggenes, but the implication of that?? ouch :( like obviously simon is exempt from the "everyone has someone they're closer to" because she and clary are on pretty equal footing in that regard, but he's literally the one she'll be marrying. like.. gosh i wish i could reference my own fics without feeling conceited.. but basically there's this thought i've explored before about izzy comparing her marriage to what it must feel like to have a parabatai. just bc she's never had someone THAT close.

i think that's something (among many) that the show really didn't understand. having clary ask izzy to be her parabatai is kinda counterintuitive to izzy's whole role in the story. a character who acts as glue the way izzy's does isn't usually meant to be anyone's best friend. and it's important that the character whose needs she's sometimes the only one to put first is the one most commonly and repeatedly viewed as an outcast.

she really is placed so much at the center of their little gang. it's amazing how much her role in the narrative is defined by her heart. everyone else has demons and enemies and expectations, but izzy is positioned at the heart, battling it out with the things that make them human more than anything (in the shape of the narrative i mean). grief and forgiveness and anxiety and love. not that everyone else isn't dealing with these things, but they play out prominently for her, tying all the rest of the gang together with that heart ..i don't think i'm saying this right. but i really think i could write a whole essay on this topic and i don't want it to get to long-winded

(also as an aside, i do think izzy is close with magnus. i think there's an ease about the way they interact and talk about and to one another that implies that. they have some things in common that go beyond their mutual love for alec, and add that to mutual respect.. i mean she's definitely not at the top of the list for him, but there is something to be said about that bil/sil relationship imo)

[eddyiewriting]

Hi

Soooo, I guess I owe you all an explanation, huh?

I’ve been struggling with my mental health for about four years now. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been okay ever since I was a child. I’m not writing an essay about my life, but to summarize: loneliness, death, self-harm, etc. Lots of fun stuff.

Stories have always been an outlet for me to express myself. Sometimes I spent days without talking to anyone and found comfort in every type of story I could consume—books, movies, video games. I started writing stories when I was a kid, but I never shared them with anyone. The fear of being rejected, of being told I wasn’t good enough, was too overwhelming for me.

I wanted to feel like I was good at something. That I had a purpose. So, I never let anyone see my stories because that way they couldn’t tell me the opposite. I still wanted to show what I created to the world, but I never had the courage.

When I found out about COG, I finally mustered the strength to do that, and even that only came six years after I started reading the stories. When I first posted on the forum, I had a panic attack. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out, and I nearly deleted the whole story. Seeing everyone’s reactions, though, was fantastic. That’s when I told myself, “See, you are good enough.”

As time went on, however, the doubts started to resurface. This has nothing to do with criticism. The feedback was nice and very helpful. I’m grateful for the people who took their time to read and help me improve.

The whole problem is me. I’ve been seeking treatment and trying to do better, but sometimes I still have that annoying voice in my head telling me to give up on everything.

I don’t want to give up. I gave up on so many things, and if I quit the only thing that makes me get out of bed, then I don’t know what to do next. However, I don’t believe I’m in the right mental state to keep myself focused on this at the moment. So, I’m not deleting the story, the topic, or my Tumblr. For now, I’m just taking some time away. Maybe one day I’ll be back, but for now, I need to rest.

Thank you all for your kindness.

Freddy has been keeping me company. He always does.

[familyagrestefanblog]

Sorry, I just need to get this off my chest.

You know what's shit?

That I always come back to work on my explanation posts on why Alya, Plagg, and Emonette being treated unfairly and being disregarded by Maribug's writing is by now pissing me off to similar degrees as her bad treatment of Chat Noir

But that always ends in a domino effect of me putting together more of the overall narrative that ticks me off so much cause my ADD brain can't NOT look for the continuous string of the writing pattern I follow once I'm at it.

You probably can imagine that this isn't very good for my mental health and the only reason why I'm still doing it is because I have a strong suspicion on what the new story arc will do with Cerise after this agonizing hiatus, and only once the actual new story arc proves me wrong can my ADD brain let this emotional investment of 7+ years in my "comfort show" since I was a 16 rest in peace.

Being neurodivergent is exhausting of FUCK...

So I always stop writing any of the posts about the other topics and come back to my Adrichat corner because that's the "safe space" my brain is the most familiar and comfortable with by now since season 4 to make a post AT ALL that isn't running the risk of leading me down 7 new rabbit holes I can't unsee anymore afterwards...

I MISS looking into several narrative threads in this show and voicing my opinions on them. In hindsight, I regret not having done it more when it was still possible, but I feel like it should have been alright in any other normally written show to have a fan blog dedicated to a specific part of the story. I feel like I shouldn't be the one in the WRONG for having done that.

Anyway, I honestly MISS the time where I knew that Maribug's benefit and comfort weren't the only things accepted as "valid" readings of the story. From both sides. Supporters and critics/salters.

Where saying anything that isn't immediately connected to Marinette's benefit and comfort didn't need a full-blown 20 page essay post going into any detail possible to fight for the right to even be taken seriously as a realistic reading of the story at all.

I know I'm not the only one upset at this, but I wonder how many people really realized by now how batshit insane this is right now. That only the most vanilla and vague-ass posts that do their best to not in anyway say something that would be "mean" and "non-validating" to Marinette can be posted now without it automatically being categorized as at least "critical" or running the risk of getting perceived as salt or wishful-thinking.

You can't point ANYTHING out anymore without at least one person running in and either saying "You just HATE Marinette and want to see her punished! You people never care about HERRRRRRRRRR (regarding a topic that isn't about her or is her fucking JOB as a narrative tool to DO)" or "Yeah, nah, the show would never let that happen because of the Marinette bias lol"

You can't even say anything anymore about Adrien's abuse without it being either undermined to all hell because of Marinette having been bullied and needing to be a girlboss who does to others what she's declared "tortured" for, or Félix "hypocrite and victim-blamer" Fathom. Gabriel being abusive was once the most basic ass thing to talk about, what the fuck happened?? (don't answer that, I know the answer...)

The whole analysis' side of this fandom that isn't catering to Marinette was either killed or basically exiled into the "critical" or outright "salt" tag because you can't even be interested in world-building anymore without having to fight for the post's right to be taken seriously under the crushing weight of Marinette's narrative benefits and comfort.

Because mademoiselle ain't fucking interested in ANYTHING lore wise beyond what's convenient for her (not to mention the retcons), so talking about the Guardian and Kwami lore for example counts as SALT now because it automatically implies for people that Marinette isn't all that matters and her flaws of not being interest in ANYTHING might actually COUNT as flaws she should work on. I know, the fucking HORROR! 😱

I MISS writing theories, analysis posts, and speculating about this shows future plots in even the most basic "set up and pay off" manner but I know I can't because my default approach is always complementary to the main character - meaning what challenges them and the narrative the most to grow, expand, and develop. This isn't a Marinette specific thing, I ALWAYS do this.

And contrary to popular belief in this fandom, I get by perfectly fine doing that for the majority of other pieces of media I consume. It is MIRACULOUS and this damn Fandom that now genuinely did it's best to convince themselves that this level of main character centric morality and revenge porn level writing is NORMAL when it's seriously NOT.

There is a REASON why this show hardly ever gets recommended on social media the way one would think despite its success. Or why the Fan backlash is so enormous despite a solid part of the Fandom already having left long ago and the young target demographic not uniformly having a voice in the social media discourse.

Or why people actively advise others AGAINST watching the show, AGAINST forming an emotional investment, and AGAINST going anywhere near the Fandom.

Cause no fucking shit, this isn't normal.

[creedslove]

STUDYING

Pedro Pascal x f!reader

A/N: I got the inspiration for this piece during my own spanish class this week, I was supposed to be paying attention but I was thinking of him and my upcoming test and got distracted. Also, it's worth to mention that reader studies Spanish in a language school that teaches adults foreign languages just like I do in real life (and I'm 26) which means there's NOTHING to do with highschool or underage reader at all. If this kind of school isn't a thing in your country then it's too bad, lol!

Summary: Pedro helps you study and get your Spanish essay done on time but you get distracted by your personal tutor at home

Warnings: fluff, sweet boyfriend Pedro and a tiny bit of smut towards the end

1.2k words

It was about your third or fourth sigh that caught Pedro's attention. He knew you were having your moment of studying and he always made sure to give you your space, so you could focus, do your tasks, spread all your pens and papers with endless notes across the table and finish everything on time.

However, this time he could tell by the times you ripped pages off your notebook and crumpled it things weren't going so smoothly. He'd borrowed one of your highlighters to highlight his lines in the new script he was engaging into, being comfortable in the living room when he heard you mumbling something about 'fucking that shit'

He frowned curiously as he knew you absolutely adored studying Spanish, you enjoyed it so much you often spent hours making cute and colorful vocabulary summaries you'd learned in class, and you were nerdy to the point of writing essays without the teacher requesting them, just for fun, writing about random topics you enjoyed.

And Pedro was also aware you didn't study Spanish because of him. You'd been studying it for at least a year before you two met, knowing it had to do with the possibility of getting a better position, or a new job, or a nice trip abroad or even understanding movies and series. As he knew, you loved studying languages and that was one of the things he loved about you. And also the fact he could practice it at home with you, enjoying the fact you very often got his internal jokes or pet names you called each other.

In reality, he knew he wasn't the reason why you started learning Spanish, but he knew he was the reason why you kept studying it and made sure to get good results. And he loved it.

One thing you really enjoyed about Pedro was that he never intruded in your business. He knew you were smart enough to learn it by yourself and only if you needed help he would offer some. You avoided asking him for help as much as you could, you just wanted to do things on your own and you also loved his proud face when you were able to carry full conversations on different topics or understand a whole movie without having to rely on subtitles. But that essay was driving you insane.

Your test was coming up and it made you nervous. For the first time, you began feeling the difficulties in the language as the grammar was becoming harder and harder and you didn't know what else you could do to memorize that. Your essay, or composición as your boyfriend would say, was stressing you out, as nothing seemed good enough, you've written better, hell, even Pedro had told you many times how good your writing was and he wouldn't lie to you, that's for sure. But yet, you weren't convinced and when you finished that piece of shit you called a text you were already exhausted.

You began collecting your pens and pencils and organizing them back into the case and cleaning up the table when Pedro walked towards you. He had a sweet smile on his face and gently stroked your cheek, his curious brown eyes scanned the place until they fell onto your work.

"¿Qué pasa mi amor?" He asked in his beautiful, sexy accent and pulled a chair, sitting next to you. "I know you can do everything, but if you want, I can help you" he offered gently, not really thinking you'd agree with it, but when you handed him your text he grabbed his reading glasses, those black ones you loved and that always distracted you. At that point, you didn't give one single shit about tests, grades or evaluations, you would love to climb his lap and ride your handsome boyfriend while he dirty talked in spanish into your ear until exhaustion.

You barely noticed him talking to you, you were too busy looking at him, his tight sweater looking great on him, his messy soft hair, the way he softly bit his lips unconsciously when he focused on reading and those damn glasses.

"Y/N? Princesa? Are you listening to me?" He raised his brow and stared at you, waiting for you to reply. You swallowed hard and looked at him, feeling your cheeks flushing as you were caught fantasizing about your boyfriend.

"Y-yeah, I am, sorry cariño, I was just thinking of the test" you lied and looked at what he was pointing out in the paper. Pedro had taken a red pen and circled some words, you had either misspelled those or just put them in the wrong place, but overall your text was pretty decent. He gently explained you what you got wrong and how you could fix it better, though he could also tell you weren't really caring about that at the moment and knowing his sweet little puta very well, he knew whatever was on your mind had nothing to do with tests or school.

"Are you having wet dreams about your Spanish teacher, Y/N?" He folded his arms and looked at you "because I can just tell your mind is miles away from your studies and by the way you are clenching your thighs together you are probably very wet now" he smirked and loved how red you got. You knew there was no way you could fight that and lying would be just stupid. You bit your lips and chuckled, placing your hand on his thigh "I would have these if they fired that annoying cunt and hired you instead, though I can't complain about my private tutor" you whispered and leaned into his body, kissing his exposed neck gently and before he had any other action, you got up and immediately sat on his lap, facing him and pecking his soft lips gently, feeling his facial hair tickling you. His hands immediately wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer, at the same time you raised your ass lifting your skirt up and feeling the contact of his rough jeans against your thin panties, moving your hips slowly against his, the friction on your core sending shivers down your spine just as Pedro felt his pants tightening at how hard he got.

"I know you want to help me, but we both agree this isn't my best work, so I can even rewrite it later if you want, but now…" you kissed him deeper this time and you felt how Pedro bucked his hips against yours, looking for more touch, more exposure of your skin on his.

"Y/N��� you're teasing me" he groaned and only got a smirk as a reply

"Lo que quiero decir és que podríamos hacer otras cosas ahora, papi… ¿Qué te parece?" You whispered against his ear knowing it drove him insane when you spoke with him like that.

Pedro pulled your panties to the side and ran his thumb up and down your hard clit, feeling how wet you were and nodded.

"Sí, pero si no te vayas bien and la prueba, voy a darte un castigo" he whispered back against your lips and slapped your ass hard, making you whimper and feel your cheek burn, as you definitely knew what kind of punishment he'd give you.

______

A/N: this is my first one shot after years of not writing. I hope it wasn't so bad and there might be a second part to it because I still have many Spanish tasks to carry out which means there might be more ideas, hopefully a little bit more smut this time. Also I posted it through the app and it somehow got worse when it comes to editing posts 🤌

Anyway, feedback = life

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

If I write a video essay on why S2 overall didn't work for me personally what bits should I add from fandom consensus (I'm posting this before I go to bed, I'm first breaking S2 down episode by episode, putting 'pins' in topics for after when I break down why I was disappointed, I'm already at Ep 3). I won't be discussing how Izzy's death impacted elder queers (I'm 21) or physically disabled people as it's not my place, but will be linking people's experiences. I also live in a rural Red state, I've been visibly closeted my whole life. I can't speak to finding a queer family the way Izzy did in S2.

I've already got:

Jenkins confirmed that this season was always going to be 8 episodes, so he bit off more than he could do and gave us a story as broad as an ocean with little depth.

Izzy's arc is centered on leaving Ed, only claiming to not want to be without Blackbeard, though neither character really WAS Blackbeard. Izzy suddenly becomes Ed's mentor.

How if you wanted Izzy to be tied to Ed and Blackbeard it could have been so easy to just portray Izzy as suicidal this entire season, and genuinely depressed, instead of having the time of his life.

The fact Izzy, Stede, and Ed rarely interact with the main crew. In the scenes, they are in they are framed as two separate groups. Making Ed feel like he was never brought back into the family, and Izzy as only having made friends with the heartbroken crew

Stede being shallow as fuck, ignoring Lucius' trauma, telling jim to 'hush' in ep 4 during the Ed apology scene (fuck him), telling Ed he shouldn't apologize in ep 8, the ONE TIME Ed apologizes to someone, looking at them and fully meaning it.

Ed stops trying to make peace with the crew after episode 5.

Lucius' line implying sexual assult, and Fang's line about what he did to Ed's unconscious body being the type of humor this show should have stayed away from.

Not confirming what the Olu/Jim/Archie/Zheng situation is IN CANON. Are they all together? Who knows??? I literally see it as Archie/Jim and Zheng/Olu where Jim and Olu are partnered? But the only confirmation of that is Olu called Jim Babe this season. Like????

Izzy's funeral being tearless, them making jokes atop a grave, and it is followed by a WEDDING. OH, and the ring being left there(I won't reference the leg, but will reference that some find it odd that THEY REMOVED HIS LEG, a part of his body, to use as a headstone)

IZZY'S DEATH NOT SERVICING ANY PLOT. It doesn't move the plot forward, it's thrown in for no reason.

Izzy's death set up. (IE. Two infamous pirates not checking a hostage. It's lazy and doesn't add to the plot)

The fact Izzy is fucking lying if he thought the crew loved Ed- like?.

The crew seriously thought Ed murdered Buttons, didn't they...

[astercontrol]

On the subject of problematic stories, fanfiction archive policies, and "(x) fans DNI"…

Here's my analysis on… well, how a visceral moral/ethical response can never fully work in tandem with the practical considerations of policy and enforcement.

Yes, there are some stories that I find irredeemable, stories so upsetting that I would genuinely not want the writers of them to ever interact with me. Mostly these are stories about truly horrible acts-- things like rape, child molesting, domestic abuse, racist hate-crimes, genocide--

--and I don't just mean any story that mentions or depicts these acts in any way, because lots of stories can talk about those concepts without making me hate the author or wish the story would disappear.

No, I'm specifically referring to stories that portray these things in a way that strongly suggests the author likes them… a lot, to the point of probably wanting to commit these acts in real life.

And yes, there are some stories that do convey that feeling quite strongly, without much room for other interpretations. I'm not gonna claim that every story has the right to a charitable interpretation. Some people do just… write to express really hateful, toxic thoughts without any redeeming quality about them.

And yes, I do think that there are certain stories that "All Reasonable People" would agree fit in that category.

Not many of them. The vast majority of stories have some room for sympathy. And even for the worst ones, reasonable people can disagree a lot on just what should be done with such stories. But I'd say that for those few, bottom-of-the-barrel worst stories, those same reasonable people would at least be in agreement that the writer is someone they would not want to ever be around, and that the stories do nothing much except spread hate and encourage hurtful ideas.

Practically speaking, though-- just how could you structure the rules and rule-enforcement of a fiction site to exclude those stories specifically?

For instance. Say I'm a site-owner writing my terms of service and trying to make it clear there's no tolerance for rape or abuse, underage sex, racism or sexism or homophobia…

Well, for one thing, there's all the technical detail of how you define every one of those things. And that's its own whole set of challenges, which have been explored in many many other essays. Do stories about sex-pollen or mating cycles count as rape? Can a coffeeshop AU romance between customer and employee ever truly be consensual, with that power dynamic where the employee knows she can get fired if a spurned customer makes a retaliatory complaint to a manager? And how clearly do you have to show characters planning out healthy boundaries to stop BDSM play from being abuse? Is it abusive to ship characters who have had fantasy or sci-fi battles with each other? In a world that has magical beings, robots and clones and space aliens of all kinds, what even counts as a race? And in that same diverse setting, is a character's age defined by number of years, mental maturity level, appearance, or some combination thereof?

It's all been analyzed into oblivion, without ever reaching an overall consensus.

But even on the topics where there is consensus-- even regarding scenarios that that are very obviously rape or abuse or racist violence or child molestation in the consensus of All Reasonable People-- even there, how would I word the policy so I'm not prohibiting critical discussion of those topics?

If I just say, for instance, "stories can't have child sex abuse or racial hate crimes in them" …

...then, I'd be making it technically against the rules to post a story in which, say, a traumatized character talks to a therapist about their childhood experience of being a victim of sexual or racial violence.

And of course I don't want to ban that kind of story! Being free to talk about traumatic experiences is vitally important. Being free to show fictional characters having that kind of talk can also be vitally important.

And, personally, the degree of detail or explicitness also isn't what I'd try and regulate. The gist of the rule I'd want to write would be something along the lines of, "I don't want any stories that show these things and glorify them, eroticize or romanticize them; that portray them in a positive way."

But this rule-- like most definitions and rules, honestly-- cannot be written in a way that inherently, explicitly forbids all the stories I want to keep out, while inherently, explicitly allowing all those I want to allow.

Language simply can't do that.

Apart from rules written in programming language for governing the activities of software, rules never work "inherently" and "explicitly," anyway. They work in conjunction with human rule-enforcers.

The closest I could get to my goal, here, would be to use something like that vaguely written rule, "No stories that glorify, eroticize or romanticize these things," and then have a team of moderators interpret it on a case-by-case basis.

A case-by-case basis is the most high-effort way to enforce anything. But for a LOT of things, it's the only way that comes close to working. Anything that can only be defined as "I know it when I see it!" …has to be regulated by people knowing it when they see it.

And yes, if all those people had the same general common sense that I consider myself to have, and enough time and freedom to exercise it-- yes, I think they would be able to weed out all the stories that "All Reasonable People" would consider so toxic as to have no redeeming value.

But two big problems here:

This would require the moderators to read every story-- or at least to read and make a decision on every story that got enough reports from users who felt it broke the rules. Unless the site was very small, this would be a huge undertaking, requiring many hours of labor from the mods.

Unless the site was very small, they would not be able to do it without also weeding out some stories that do have redeeming value.

Because they would have to draw the line somewhere.

And with a large enough population of site members, a large enough team of moderators, and a large enough volume of stories posted, they could not draw that line consistently.

There would, inevitably, be complaints from all directions-- writers of all walks of life making accusations of bias, citing specific stories that got allowed, and contrasting them to other specific stories that got taken down.

There would be bias. There would be unfairness. It's not avoidable. And no matter who you are and what your tastes in fiction may be, it would, without fail, happen to some things that you think it shouldn't happen to.

Now, depending on your tastes, you may feel this would be a fair tradeoff for a site that successfully kept out most or all of the fiction you consider the worst.

But, so far, that has not been the case with any big fanfiction site.

On every large site that bans certain types of fanfiction identified on a case-by-case basis, there is widespread dissatisfaction with how it is or isn't enforced. It just isn't possible to do that kind of enforcement, on that kind of scale, and keep any large percentage of people satisfied.

Even AO3, which has very few rules of that sort, still gets its share of complaints. It does have some rules-- no monetizing fanfiction, no plagiarism, no doxxing-- and those are, to some degree, things that have to be interpreted and identified on a case-by-case basis by individual volunteer moderators.

And even with these comparatively simple decisions, there is a limit to how much of that they can get done in a day, and how consistent they can be at it… and, therefore, a limit to how much of the userbase they can satisfy.

And if you want to understand why they won't make more rules about the content of the fiction--

--just try to imagine, for a few moments, adding all that, on top of the current enforcement tasks those volunteers already do.

Imagine the logistics of it, the details. The work of reading and categorizing everything that gets reported. The dilemma of where to draw the line in each and every case, without those decisions forming any unfair pattern of inconsistency.

It could be done, maybe.

But it hasn't been done successfully, on that scale, ever.

If you were in their position, would you want to take that risk?

[some-murmurings]

i'm happy that video essays are a popular format on youtube now. i've loved the genre for years and, with care, it's a reliable source of accessible education.

that said, the popularity of video essays on youtube makes me feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears. it is so easy to immediately tell when an author has no actual investment in the genre and sees it merely as a vehicle for #Content™️©️®️

There are three basic qualities I see suffering the most for this

1. Length

I see so many of these newer channels pumping out 8 hour pieces that are closer to exhaustive book reports then they are tight, well written examinations of something and, while I LOVE the diversity inherent to the video essay format, this is a terrible way to explore a topic. It's boring, lame, and extremely profitable.

Quinton Reviews is a good example; I like his work occasionally, his recent thing on Dan Schneider was genuinely pretty good. It did still suffer from the resulting pacing sickness from overloading on information and underloading on composition & organization. Wendigoon is an even better example. Most "iceberg" style vids also are (not u jan misali. never u.)

Also, there's no defined rule for the length of a video essay. They can be 5 minutes long or 5 hours, flash fiction or a full-bodied thesis. Shots of tequila or a whole bottle of wine can both get you drunk.

2. Pacing

Obviously related to length but this is another problem; video essayists have always struggled with this and it got worse recently anyways.

A lot of that "information overload" is to blame. It's important that, when researching, YOU come to a strong, nuanced understanding of a topic through disparate sources. It is, by nature of the format and genre, an extremely bad idea to try and make your audience learn the information the same way.

We don't need a thousand sources spread across several dozen sentences, we want the 3-4 (max) best sources on a given subtopic concisely synthesized into a coherent idea.

Use music, jokes and relevant graphics to make this information as engaging and interpretable as possible without sacrificing accuracy. It's okay to abridge and note that you were, in fact, abridging. We don't need to know every detail about every single thing loosely related to the topic.

Dan Olson from "Folding Ideas" is a good example of this. His script writing and camera work does an extremely good job of creating effective flow with an appropriate amount of detail & nuance. So, pacing, basically.

3. Topic

U can tell some of these jamokes don't give a fuck or shit about the thing they're discussing. Worse still when it's some inane internet drama they're recounting like its "news."

To be clear: the best video essays are OFTEN on topics you have no previous interest in. Roblox_oof.wav by HBomberguy is an easy example. This shit is a complete mess thematically but, because the author engages deeply and effectively with the topic, it literally doesn't matter. It's an insanely good video you should spend all 2 & 1/2 hours in rn. Go. Watch it.

Nor is internet drama a bad topic to cover. You're allowed, encouraged really, to discuss the weird bullshit people do to each other but like... this is closer to a soap opera than it is a national news headline. Looking at you, "Turkey Tom" or whatever the fuck your name is.

There's something to be said, too, for how quick people are to make an essay about a still moving situation. I know the algorithm is an insatiable maw of content hunger but, counterpoint, ONLY MAKE A VIDEO WHEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY DESCRIBE WHAT HAPPENED. If there's reasonable suspicion stuff isn't done, SHUT THE FUCK UP. It's okay if you misjudge a timeline here or there, you're allowed to admit fault and correct yourself, but, like, cmon.

Also something to be said about how quick so many essayists have ALWAYS been to talk about someone else's business without permission, particularly intimate partner violence.

4. Style/Presentation

Video essays are an extremely novel format, particularly for education, so there's a genuine debt of easy-to-adopt styles. And, because of the recent growth, there are a lot of new people entering the space with very little experience in it.

That said, the next time I hear that fucking "influencer cadence" I'm gonna EXPLODE. You know the one, they slow down towards the end of a sentence to lend "gravitas" and overarticulate every. single. word. to, idk, build credibility?

It's shallow and obnoxious and I hate it. Nothing makes me skip a video faster than a boring intro & a predictable cadence. Be honest about the way you speak. If you struggle to create rhythm & flow with your voice, use music! Seriously, music sampling is a super valid method, most indie artists would be JAZZED to have their stuff in parts of their video. A lot of orchestral stuff is in the public domain, especially a lot of famous "classical" works. Put Beethoven's 5th in your video about potato farming in russia, God might not be real and if she is she'd ALSO think it's funny.

Another problem: predictable cuts & generally uninspired editing. I know editing is a pain in the ass but, like, it IS still a creative process. You do have space to do interesting stuff here and, if you can't focus for that long, literally just make a shorter video.

It's okay if 95% of your transitions are purely functional, the trick is to make those 5% REALLY silly to keep your audience on their toes.

5. Tone

You don't need to be "an authority" on a topic to make a good essay about it. It helps but, as long as you're clear & honest about the limits of your understanding and you've done your due diligence, you almost certainly will be fine to talk about anything you want.

If you want to build credibility quickly, consider starting with disambiguation instead of dry recitation. Dates matter less to me than actually understanding a topic better. Even better if you come across like another autistic person infodumping about whales or w/e.

I'd keep going but my phone's gonna die. U get the gist. Lots of format problems that algorithm-brain is exacerbating.

[eeveecraft]

"Tulpa" and Cultural Appropriation

I cannot believe I feel so compelled to do this again, but after witnessing an announcement by Plural Nest that they're switching to parogenic terminology because they've been convinced by sysmeds that tulpa = appropriation while literally "sourcing" things from minors, singlets, non-Tibetans, and yes, of course, sysmeds is just so goddamn frustrating that I'm going to write this post. I will be referring to this Google Doc Plural Nest themselves linked in their announcement that contains a motley of blogs and accounts by various people:

Strap the fuck in because we're going to be here for a while.

Tulpa = Appropriation Is and Always Was a Bad-Faith Argument

I am prefacing this post with this idea because I want you to keep this in mind as you're reading. Something that has always bothered me about this "discourse" is that the people who go on and on and on about how they're protecting minorities and stopping actual harmful, real appropriation by attacking the Tulpamancy community never:

Go after actual harmful depictions of tulpa that actively profit off of sensationalizing the paranormal version of the word and deliberately linking it to Tibetan Buddhism (Supernatural, Mandela Catalogue, Slenderman, etc).

Uplift the voices of actual Tibetan Buddhists, even ones who disagree with them (which there ARE Tibetan Buddhists who are 100% okay with tulpa as a term, not just the Tibetan Buddhist AMA).

Explain how us using tulpa to describe our systemmates is actively harming Tibetan Buddhists. They just say it's harmful without providing any real examples of harm besides the word annoying them.

The intention of these people never was to protect vulnerable minorities, it was to deliberately blacklist a word a community has used for over a decade and a word that is literally being used in academic studies. If we as a community dropped tulpa, cold-turkey, 100%, we would lose access to so much of our history and access to scientific studies that the community NEEDS to be more accepted by the general public.

If these people actually cared and took the time to look into the Tulpamancy community, they would clearly see that the community very much stresses that tulpa is NOT the same as the paranormal term that IS sensationalized, and that all it means is a type of systemmate that was intentionally/unintentionally created through repeated interaction. And yet, that's not the case.

Oh, also, I found out that the Tibetan Buddhist Tulpamancer who did the AMA also has a Tumblr blog, and they even reblogged this post. And they even left this in the comments:

No one should feel ashamed of using the term “tulpa”. Buddhism, and practices related to it, are meant to be shared. That’s the whole point of the practice. And this greater community, is unique and distinct from Tibetan and related origin, it isn’t “appropriation” and even if it was, no one owns the term, and as I see it; use it as you wish!

So yeah, even further context!

Anyway, with that in mind...

Origins of Tulpa

One thing many people get wrong in the Google Doc is that tulpa directly is a Tibetan word. I have stated this in multiple places from my video on the history of Tulpamancy to my original essay back in 2020 on this very topic, but tulpa was derived from tulku and sprul-pa, which tulku specifically means the reincarnations of the Dalai or Tashi Lama, and sprul-pa means a type of "magically-produced illusion or creation." Alexandra David-Neel, a French explorer during the 1920's-1930's derived tulpa from these two words, and even in her own book, she admits they are not the same:

“These may be considered as veritable tulkus and, in fact, the demarcation between tulpas and tulkus is far from being clearly drawn. The existence of both is grounded on the same theories,” (David-Neel pg 313-314).

David-Neel, Alexandra. Magic and the Mystery of Tibet, Internet Archive, Translated by Claude Kendall, 1971 Dover Edition.

So, for all the people who keep saying that tulpa is a specific word in Tibetan Buddhism is incorrect, tulpa (paranormal) is BASED off of Tibetan language, but is not directly a part of the language, and the meaning was also changed. However, there is a further distinction I need to make:

Paranormal Versus Modern Tulpas

There is a very, VERY important distinction I need to make that a LOT of people who scream, "TULPA IS RACIST!" get wrong. Modern tulpas, the type created by the Tulpamancy community go by this definition (or any similar variation):

A sentient/sapient, typically intentionally created being that is conscious and autonomous, and can only be seen, heard, or felt by the host/system that can also think independently from the host/system. Essentially a separate person sharing a body with the person who created them.

Source: My own Tulpamancy guide.

When the term created by Alexandra David-Neel that is still used in horror media goes by (paraphrasing some bits):

A type of phantom created by a person's concentrated thoughts that when developed enough, it frees itself of its creator's to go onto be a "half-conscious, dangerously mischievous puppet" or just severely injure or even kill their creator.

This definition is cobbled together from David-Neel's own book since she doesn't directly give a definition for paranormal tulpa that I can just fully quote here that's concise enough. Another important observation I made is that David-Neel right afterwards also mentions her ability to see thought-forms, you know... the type derived from English Theosophy, the concept that's way more accurate to modern tulpas than "phantoms," that existed before David-Neel wrote her book? Funny, huh?

Why does this distinction matter?

It's pretty simple. The actual harmful word that horror media profits off of and sensationalizes for clout is the definition David-Neel derived. The word that people attack the Tulpamancy community for literally just means a type of systemmate and has no inherent paranormal or spiritual meaning. The former deliberately shows off the word's Buddhist roots for the sake of personal gain while the modern word is stressed as something on its own, its own concept and practice that is not related to Buddhism. Modern Tulpamancy is completely secular, you can be completely atheist (like me) and create a tulpa just fine. Anyone can. Not a single culture can claim something literally anybody can do by mistake.

Just that the word has a distant link in etymology to it and isn't actually a Tibetan Buddhist concept. By the logic of people who think tulpa is a racist term, any term derived from another language in English would be racist... which would account for 99% of the English language, and honestly kind of demonstrates that they low-key don't even know what racism means at that point.

So, please tell me why the latter is in the crosshairs of people who are supposedly protecting a minority? Why is it that I myself have had to call out things like the Mandela Catalogue for using the paranormal variant of tulpa and twisting it into an edgy story about body-snatchers as some kind of cryptid SCP creature, but I haven't seen anyone else do it? Why isn't there an outrage by these people on notoriously appropriative shows like Supernatural? Hmm.

(Also, important that another blog reblogged that post and mentioned that they've spoken to actual Tibetans on Facebook and how none of them think tulpa is harmful specifically because it's so far-removed from Tibetan Buddhism. Like, they're cool with it as long as the community doesn't try and link it to Tibetan Buddhism, which is literally what the community does and has been doing for YEARS. Love how sysmeds conveniently ignore that. Same with this AMA by another practicing Tibetan Buddhist on Reddit, which is REAL funny that Plural Nest doesn't link this AMA, but links another post by a person who converted to Tibetan Buddhism who agreed with their viewpoint, even if that post was extremely flawed).

People Who Tout This Claim

One thing that is extremely frustrating to see is all these POC systems go on and on and on about how white people shouldn't speak about POC issues, but then turn around and speak over other POC. In one of my original posts on this topic, I specifically made the comparison of a Chinese person trying to dictate what can and cannot happen in Japanese culture. Both are Asian, both are people of color, but they are not the same, and to imply that is racist. POC systems saying that they can dictate that a word based off of Tibetan language is racist as hell, even when they're not Tibetan, just because they're both Asian implies that POC culture is all the same that any person of color can dictate what happens in the other culture is disgusting. Full stop. It's generalizing a HUGELY varied amount of peoples and cultures, and just generalizes them as all the same, and quite frankly, that's insulting.

And even if we go by their logic that any Asian POC can dictate whether or not tulpa is racist also conversely means that any Asian POC can also dictate that tulpa isn't racist. I can literally just go to my best friend who's Asian and Buddhist and ask him if tulpa is racist as a term, he'd just laugh, and say this whole discourse is stupid. In fact, let me go do that:

(He sent me a GIF of SomeOrdinaryGamer laughing, LMAO.)

Anyway, this is what he said:

i am an asian, i believe that the word “Tulpa” is not racist nor cultural appropriation.

(FYI, he's also a Tulpamancer and has been for almost as long as I have.)

I can go on r/Tulpas or #RedditTulpas right now, make a poll for Asian POC systems, and ask them whether or not tulpa as a term is racist, and get hundreds of votes that no, it isn't. It means systems like The Cabin System who are also SE Asian who've openly stated that tulpa as a term isn't racist also have as much stake in the argument as the opposite side does.

Do you see how it devolves into a pissing contest between sides? What does this achieve? All it does is segregate the community and draw unnecessary lines, which is exactly what sysmeds want because it's ways easier to harass and kill smaller communities that way or turn them against each other until they eat each other alive. And they won't just stop with tulpa terminology, they're just using tulpa because they found a convenient scapegoat to attack it. Sysmeds literally find ANY excuse to demonize or take away a word from the endogenic community, it's no different here.

To further prove this point, sysmeds literally tried to say "system hopping" is a term appropriated from RAMCOA survivors, which was completely false. They are not afraid to pull the appropriation card on any word they can, tulpa isn't the only instance of it.

Just by looking in the #tulpa tag, you can see people who are equating people who use tulpa as racist, and want to split the community between "racists and non-racists."

Another key fact is that most people who have this view also have a comical lack of understanding of what Tulpamancy even is. For example, the system that coined willogenic specifically because they think tulpa is racist defined willogenic systemmates as:

“Willogenic system - A system that was purposefully created or “willed” into existence. There’s no connection to t/lpam/ncy at all.”

(Notice how the definition also excludes unintentional tulpas, which is roughly a third of the community? Fun!)

Yes, the actual definition is censored like that. So, the definition states that a systemmate can be ""willed" into existence," and is supposed to be a direct replacement for tulpa. No. No. Stop. You don't just "will" a tulpa into existence. If that was true, we wouldn't still get people on r/Tulpas making posts on how they've tried and tried for months or even years to create a tulpa and still failed.

Not just that, but it severely misrepresents the tulpa creation process as this super simple thing to "will into existence" when tulpa creation varies a LOT from person to person and is far more than just willing a fully formed tulpa into existence. I've mentioned this before, but I seriously do not like the broader Plurality Community attempting to force the Tulpamancy Community to adhere to their terminology that they created, and slapping, "Use our terms or you're a racist piece of sh!t!" on top of that has a REALLY bad connotation.

And remember when I made that distinction between the actually harmful paranormal tulpa definition and the community's definition? Yeah, like I said, most people who have this opinion also are conflating what we do to the paranormal definition.

All the Tulpamancy Community does is create a space where people can partake in tulpa creation and development. That's it. The majority of the community views it as 100% psychological, there's no paranormal ghost nonsense happening, and people are just trying to live their lives with their tulpas. It's not any more complicated than that, and labeling people who use a term like tulpa as racist is seriously scummy.

How "Tulpa = Appropriation" is Harmful

Ironically, this "discourse" has caused more harm to the Tulpamancy community than anything else. Like how I said that all the POC systems who said "tulpa" as a word has "harmed" them don't provide any examples of harm? Well, I can provide examples of how this whole thing has actually caused damage to people in the Tulpamancy Community.

Let's start with me. On multiple occasions, I have had multiple anons harass my inbox, calling me racist, calling me slurs, and even sexually harassing me in the comments of one of my posts specifically because of this issue. In fact, several sysmeds tried raiding our Discord server alongside harassing us on Tumblr because of what Amanitasys's post started, and this has also happened to @cambriancrew, @sophieinwonderland, and more because we happen to be blogs that intersect both communities.

The Widening Divide

Secondly, the widening divide between the Tulpamancy and Plurality communities.

The relationship between the Tulpamancy and broader Plurality community was already tenuous, and for most of the Tulpamancy community's history, it has stayed isolated from other Plurality circles. It was only within the past few years that the communities started to intermingle, but this drama can ruin that.

Because as someone who HAS been in the community for over half a decade, I can tell you that the majority of the Tulpamancy community thinks this drama is stupid and aren't going to change terminology for multiple reasons. Now, do NOT take this as the community going, "Tulpa is a completely unproblematic word!" when the community has debated the term's usage for YEARS. Nobody is saying the word is perfect, but it's what the community has used for over a decade now and every attempt to change the word has failed. And honestly, as someone who's reviewed the vast majority of Tulpamancy guides in existence, I likely know better than anyone else that if tulpa was blacklisted like some people want, the community would lose so much history and resources, it's not even funny.

Unlike the broader community, the Tulpamancy community has a focus on the creation and sharing of Tulpamancy guides and resources, and the vast majority of these resources directly have "tulpa" or "Tulpamancy" in the name, let alone the sheer volume of times the aforementioned words are used in these guides. If we completely dropped the word, the ability of new people to look up and find these guides becomes FAR more difficult. "Tulpa" is a unique and consistent word and makes it easy to look into the community, which in turn helps people discover resources that can help them on their tulpa creation journey.

And for the bottomfeeders who'll inevitably go, "Well, just change the resources!" I need you to go outside and touch some grass, please.

1.) There are literally hundreds of guides, not even including website domains like Tulpa.info, Tulpa.io. Tulpa.net, and many more. There are literally academic studies that use tulpa, and if the community (not just the Tulpamancy community) wants any hope of being accepted by the general public, we NEED those studies to back our existence (as frustrating as it is). Don't forget all the articles, podcasts, and videos we couldn't even change if we want to! Again, over a decade of history.

2.) The VAST majority of the people who wrote these guides are no longer in the community and it is disrespectful to the authors to take and change their work without their permission (if ANY of you tried taking my guide and replaced every tulpa-related term with something else, I'd be PISSED).

3.) Literally every alternative to tulpa has some critical flaw in one way or another (I made a post about this here) and literally nobody can agree on a single term. The amount of fragmenting this would cause would make the aforementioned issue of discoverability EVEN WORSE.

4.) The rate at which resources are created has slowed dramatically since the community's early days. People are just complacent with what they have now, and I don't think labeling tulpa as a racist term is suddenly going to get more people to write more guides, just to change a few words around.

I feel this issue can get to a point where the Plurality community literally starts banning the usage of tulpa-related terminology completely, thus excommunicating the Tulpamancy community from most plural spaces. Places like Plural Nest where the staff OPENLY say that tulpa is appropriative sets this precedent, and even though Plural Nest (at least right now) is still allowing people to use tulpa terminology, other places might pick up on what Plural Nest did, but worse. That ends up excluding people like us from plural spaces and just undoes all the work that's happened to connect the two communities.

Like, systems like us, Dragonheart already have to avoid sysmed servers, but now, even with "inclusive" servers, we might be run out because the owners/staff think tulpa is a racist term. So now we have an extra layer of anxiety when trying to join new communities. That's fun.

It's literally creating what endogenic systems already deal with in the plural community, but now even parts of the endogenic community are bullying another subset of their own community. It's terrible.

So, in the Tulpamancy community's perspective, we either: A.) Give up our most used word and people lose access to so much history and resources, and create a huge divide in our already fragmented community.

Or:

B.) Stick to our guns, but be excommunicated and villainized by the broader Plurality community.

There's no winning here. Regardless of what the Tulpamancy community does, it's going to cause a lot of damage. Sysmeds win regardless with their goal being to divide and fuck up our community, and it deeply upsets me.

What Tulpamancy Really Is

So, what are people trying to attack so hard and blacklist from plural spaces? What are people fighting so hard against to conform to their standards, or be labeled as racist? What Tulpamancy is, for a lot of people, is a means to living a better life. I cannot tell you how many stories I have read of tulpas stopping their hosts from taking their own lives, how creating a tulpa has hugely improved the mental health of others, or how tulpas encourage their hosts to socialize and take care of the body, or how just making a tulpa connects you to a community with the mutual interest in self-improvement and self-love, and so, so much more. Tulpamancy improves people's lives, and Tulpamancy techniques are not exclusive to us.

Any system, or even singlets can learn from the Tulpamancy community to improve their own lives. And yes, that means Tulpamancy helps a lot of people of color as well, as well as a lot of other vulnerable minorities! Whether it's learning vocality to better communicate with alters or using switching techniques to control switching, or even learning how to make a mindscape or improve visualization skills. I don't understand how this community can be labeled as a bunch of racists (even though there are scumbags like Kopase that sadly exist (why don't you guys RIGHTFULLY sh!t on people like him?)) when literally the entire point of the community is self-betterment.

And like what @dharmayokeyodasampa, the Tibetan Buddhist Tulpamancer stated before, "Buddhism, and practices related to it, are meant to be shared. That’s the whole point of the practice," and the same can be said for Tulpamancy. Tulpamancy can be for everyone if it means making their lives better. It's meant to be a positive thing that can truly be life-changing, and seeing people trying to label that practice with one of hatred and harm is just... horrible.

The Tulpamancy community doesn't have some secret agenda to silence people of color or mock any kind of religion or practice. We're just a bunch of lonely people wanting companionship and are tired of being alone.

Conclusion

"Tulpa" as a term, at best, is murky. Nobody is arguing that David-Neel was a saint. She wasn't, and she's dead and buried. Tulpa isn't her word anymore. People in the Tulpamancy community are just fed up with outsiders trying to dictate how their community should be run. We know the term has issues, we know its history is not all sunshine and rainbows. We do not need outsiders barging in and stating the obvious and acting like they know more than we do about our own community and history.

And look, I know some people who believe tulpa is appropriative have good intentions and just want to be non-offensive, but people take advantage of that. Sysmeds took advantage of people wanting to do right and weaponized people into being their mouthpieces under the guise of, "We just want to be racially-sensitive." But instead of actually protecting minorities, all it did was harm another minority while ignoring groups who are taking advantage of the word, and using it for clout and profit. That is exactly why I started this LONG essay with why this whole thing is a bad-faith argument.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: this is the Plurality-equivalent of "queer is a slur." Drama deliberately caused by bad actors who spread rumors of a word being bad, leading it to be picked up by well-intentioned people, and being turned into the pawns of those bad actors without realizing it.

I'm so pissed I had to make this post, but after seeing what Plural Nest did, and then learning that they KNEW some of their sources were by sysmeds who have ACTIVELY professed their hatred of tulpas and decided to use them anyway to a community of over a thousand users just led me to being fed up. It gave this indication that if large plural spaces like that are echoing a statement meant to divide us, things aren't looking good, and I'm not going to sit here and watch a community I've been in for over half a decade get wrongfully demonized.

If Plural Nest staff just said they're changing terminology because they just don't like tulpa or or the fact that it's conflated with horror media, I would've been fine with it. That's a perfectly understandable reason not to like the term. We're not forcing you to use the term! Use whatever term you want! It was the motivation behind it that I take issue with and the precedent it sets. I don't know where this community is heading, but I hope things go all right.

7-22-2023

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part two)

Before continuing from where I left off in part one I have to say something: I go over some heavier stuff in here. Nothing that isn't already present in the book and that I haven't seen mentioned in other people's metas, but I still want to give you a heads up: the main focus of part two is suicide/suicidal ideation and childhood trauma. I mean, this is a The Brothers Karamazov meta about a bipolar coded character so I think you all already knew these things were going to be in here, but I think that if you have bipolar disorder or are close to someone who has it some things could be upsetting or remind you of some unpleasant (to put it mildly) experiences. Writing certain things hits me at least (though not in a triggering way), but I think it's important to touch certain topics as they are core topics when it comes to bipolar disorder and it's impossible to talk about it without going over the ugly stuff. I've also been on meds and in therapy for years and I'm doing fairly well in life now so that's all in the past. Anyway don't worry, this is the only part of this essay that includes these topics.

This said, here's what I'll go over in this post: mostly what Ivan says in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion, and The Grand Inquisitor, focusing more on the former two than the latter, as I personally find a particular passage of The brothers get acquainted to be one of the most beautiful and bipolar things I've ever read and we need to talk about Rebellion to further understand Ivan's inner world. The Grand Inquisitor isn't really that useful in this case but there's one thing that caught my attention.

As I already said in part one, The brothers get acquainted is the chapter that made me decide that Ivan is bipolar coded. I've even written a specific part of it down and read it to my therapist because I am, in fact, clinically insane. At this point I don't think I can hide how biased I am anymore, not that I ever really tried anyway, so I'll start by saying that this is my favorite part of the whole book. It may seem strange because it seems like such a small and simple chapter: it's not The Grand Inquisitor, it doesn't have the dreamlike atmosphere of Cana of Galilee or the chaotic passion of Delirium; it's not the courtroom scene or the epilogue. No one's getting murdered or hallucinating the devil or getting falsely accused, just Ivan talking about himself and letting us see his humanity like we had never before. We get to know him in the same way and at the same time his own brother does.

Why is this, in my opinion, the most crucial passage? What does it tell us? This is the first window on Ivan's inner world we get and the first thing it tells us, through Alyosha, is that there's a significant gap between how other people see Ivan and how he actually is. I mean, we already had a glimpse of that in the previous chapters through Miusov, Dmitri and even Fyodor, but Ivan was never there. The difference here is not only that Ivan is present, but also that Alyosha managed to see right through him in a way the others didn't, and it's telling that Alyosha asks Ivan if he'll get angry and feel insulted after hearing what he picked up on, considering that it's just that Ivan is after all a regular twenty-three year old. Alyosha even tells him he's nice! The thing is that Alyosha thinks that to Ivan the offense wouldn't be in what he managed to see in him, but in the fact that he managed to see it in the first place. I think I'll go over this and the other characters' perception of Ivan in part three because it doesn't really fit with this part's themes and also I have a feeling this post will get long even without it (sorry!).

Ivan is not angry at all though, he's amused and he takes this opportunity to open up; after all he did say he wanted Alyosha to get to know him (and viceversa!). I think it's important to note that he ends up pretty much monologuing for three chapters straight, almost as if he's used to bottling up his feelings and keeping his thoughts to himself (I'm pretty sure it's actually stated somewhere that he does, I had some little notes I wrote in my phone mentioning something like that but my notes app crashed before I could save them and I can't for the life of me find it in the book, but I swear it's there).

Here we get to see Ivan's rather unusual attitude towards life: he's not actively suicidal in that moment, but he doesn't exclude the possibility of suicide later in life, and not only this is a very bipolar feeling on its own, but the origin of this feeling and the way he explains his reasons also are. Ivan is very tired, both physically and mentally, it's stated multiple times through the novel, but he doesn't necessarily hate life even though he has mixed feelings towards it; on one hand he says there is no kind of misery, no matter how deep, capable of making him want to stop living (after all, bipolar disorder is all about bouncing back up no matter what), but on the other hand he's repulsed by life and that's why he describes his lust for it as inconvenient and against logic. He wants to live but he hates that he wants to live and he knows he'll eventually get tired of it and just quit, and it's something he feels very strongly, all of it. The thing that really sticks out to me and that struck me is that his passive suicidal ideation is very thought out (unlike Dmitri's which feels more impulsive to me but that's another story for another post), like he's gone through miserable periods of his life several times (I mean, the narrator does also say it) and he came to the conclusion that yes, this is bearable, but only for a limited number of years. He says he asked himself a thousand times if it's worth it and after a thousand times he gave himself the illusion of choice: I will kill myself but I won't succumb to my misery, I'll just be too tired to keep living, it will be my choice. With Ivan (just like with bipolar disorder in general) it's all about control and it's something that hits very close to home to me to the point I had to stop reading to stare at the wall and go he gets it. He really does, this is a very common sentiment and experience among people with bipolar disorder and that's why it's sadly one of the mental disorders with the highest suicide rate (and most historical figures with bipolar disorder I know about actually did die by suicide). The constant up and down is exhausting and that's exactly the feeling Ivan's words gave me, he describes the bipolar experience so well I was genuinely impressed considering The Brothers Karamazov was written and is set in the second half of the 1800s, when psychiatry and psychology were just starting to be born. I think it's also important to mention that he doesn't really give himself much time either: he's only twenty-three and he set his own life to end at thirty. It's only seven years, but seven years can seem like an infinite amount of time when you have to deal with what we have to, especially if we consider my interpretation of Ivan and his childhood. What do I mean by that? I mean that this is about to get interesting (and kind of personal).

Now, in the past almost two-hundred years, no one has still figured out the exact cause of bipolar disorder as the exact mechanism behind it is still unclear (to the point we don't even know why the meds used to treat it work, we just know that for some reason they do) but it mostly comes down to two factors: genetic and environmental. It's usually a mix of the two and it's most likely that once again it varies between individuals, but a very common bipolar experience is the one of a traumatic and overwhelming childhood: many of us had to deal with a mentally ill parent growing up due to the genetic factor and many of us went through so much stress and trauma that the end result could be nothing but bipolar disorder. And this is where Ivan's character stumbles in: I think his protectiveness towards children and his impossibility to accept their suffering stem from his impossibility to accept his own traumatic childhood. Let's be clear, all four brothers had a traumatic childhood, but Ivan seems to be the one who's most impacted by it. Dmitri was abandoned by his mother at the age of three and his father forgot about him (just like he forgot about Ivan and Ivan also seems deeply affected by that considering how he reacts when Fyodor doesn't remember Aleksej's mother was also his own), Pavel never got to know his due to her death in childbirth, and Aleksej's only memories of his mother are fuzzy and dreamlike, which leaves Ivan as the only one who actually has clear memories of his mother: an ill woman who probably couldn't take care of him and his little brother properly because of that and who died young (very traumatic for a child); he probably still remembers her screams. There's a very well written post about how each brother was affected by their respective missing mother figure so I won't go into that because there's no need and it doesn't really fit in here, but I think this is a very important part of Ivan's life that also obviously reflects in his adulthood (again, I'll talk about it in the future), and that we have to take into consideration as an example of what kind of pain a child has to go through to turn out a certain way.

But why am I saying this? I'll be honest with you: mere projection. Ivan's words on the injustice of children's suffering resonated with me so much, especially in relation to his refusal to accept God's existence in a world that allows such things to happen. As you probably figured, I'm an atheist myself and I am for the same reasons he is. There's a quote by Sylvia Plath, who also had bipolar disorder: I talk to God but the sky is empty. I won't elaborate because I don't feel like this is the place, but I relate to it a lot and I think it's applicable to Ivan as well. Mind you that I'm not here to talk about religion, I mean no disrespect and I wouldn't have mentioned my atheism if it hadn't been relevant, so please don't say anything unnecessary about that.

My projection went even further when I realised that Ivan is young (we're the same age actually!), what business does he have to be talking like that? Why does he talk like that but his brothers don't? But I also talk like that so here's that and here's connecting the dots, as I started doing a couple paragraphs ago.

Symptoms of bipolar disorder on average start manifesting during early adulthood, which checks out because Ivan is twenty-three. But he already seems to have a lot of experience "on the field" and it's unusual for someone that age, so it got me thinking a lot, mostly about my own experience. I was "lucky" enough (I still haven't figured out if I'm being sarcastic or not, as it can be both a blessing and a curse, how ironic) to develop symptoms way earlier than the usual onset age of twenty-five, which led me to being diagnosed and starting treatment as a teenager (blessing, the earlier you start treatment the more effective it is on the long run), but which also means I was a terrified child fighting for my life on a daily basis (curse, for obvious reasons) and I thought that maybe Ivan's background could be similar to mine considering what I said earlier about his very strong feelings towards the suffering of children; it's still projection but at least it makes sense. I genuinely don't know how common this experience is, apparently cases like mine are quite rare (I've had this disorder for most of my life), so I guess I also take some sort of comfort in Ivan's character due to this.

And with that, we're done with both The brothers get acquainted and Rebellion, so where does this leave The Grand Inquisitor? As I said earlier, there isn't much to say about it in my opinion when it comes to the point I'm trying to make, but there is one particular thing that I noticed: Ivan thanks Alyosha for listening to him, he thanks him for caring. I found it very sweet but also quite sad and I think it's useful insight about how Ivan lives his life and his relationships with other people. If everything goes as planned, part three should be mostly focused on that and Ivan's particular (and partially self-inflicted) loneliness (which is also tied to how other people perceive him, I already mentioned that, I know) so I won't talk about it now. I also want to highlight that Ivan makes a joke! It's not the usual kind of joke he makes though, as we previously see that Ivan's humor consists mostly of taking the piss out of people he doesn't particularly like or agree with, this time he makes a lighthearted joke about his poem that isn't at the expense of anyone ("that's plagiarism") and he's even described as being delighted in that moment. I personally found that cute and I think we don't talk about this side of Ivan enough.

I'll stop here because I think I covered everything I wanted to regarding these particular parts of the book. I'm not completely satisfied with this, but I got stuck for days because it was a little hard for me to write this part, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible because I had to treat matters I'm sensitive about (hence the slight change of tone between this and my other posts, I noticed and I hope it wasn't too depressing, I tried throwing in some humor here and there), so I wrote in as little sittings as possible and I barely gave this a couple rereads, sorry. It feels more emotional than part one, which is something I am not a fan of but I'm not surprised and there isn't much I can do about it (other than fix my own discomfort with human emotions I guess but I'm working on it). I wanted to write this but at the same time I didn't but there was no way for me to completely exclude my personal experience as it's the main reason why I saw what I saw in Ivan and I'm writing this essay in the first place, but please don't dwell too much on it. I managed to edit most of it out anyway but still.

I wanted to go over Ivan's implied problem with alcohol as well and also the comparison with Dmitri (I mentioned him at the beginning for this reason) because I see the two of them as being two sides of the same coin, but I didn't really know how to include them (I think I'll briefly talk about the former in one of the next parts but I'm not sure how or when) and then I realised these topics can be treated together (as I think they're related) in a separate and more elaborate post that is not part of this essay, so look forward to that (and the rest of this long ass thing).

[the-way-astray]

HEY so I skim read your new Keefe hate post and I have some thoughts I'd like to share (all good ones!!)

As someone who also wrote a very long essay about [a] fictional character(s) while citing the page number and book word by word, you freaking ACED it. I'm always gonna be impressed when people take the time to cite your source and give a in depth explanation about it

You're lowkey not too wrong about Keefe infantilizing Sophie. For something silly and stupid, like "Iggy ate my mallowmelt!! >:( Now im mad!!" yeah I bet Sophie would seem cute lol. But for when she's genuinely angry and pissed?? Maybe lay off a little bit dude 😭 Like cmon she can murder you with her mind- There are moments where he does talk about how powerful she is though, throughout the series, but tbh as much as he does that he probably inhantilize her too *shrug* I need to reread the series, but you are making some sense.

I need Keefe getting mad and someone asking him if he's on his period LMAOOOO

Anyways as someone who loves Keefe you're making valid points. He has his flaws, and sometimes he isn't the best person. In summary

Never post that on pinterest. Those crazy Keefe loving, Fitz hating, Sokeefe shipping 11 year olds will MURDER YOU. I will respect your opinion, but they sure don't.

(your opinion is valid and you have facts *clap and approving nod* you have my respect.)

the post in question

okay, first of all, i need this essay immediately. i literally do not care what it's about but words! lots of words! about kotlc! need.

ooh, thank you so much! i mentioned this in the post itself, but this is a rework. the quotes were originally in one post (copy-pasted from another post) and the explanation was in a reblog, which was hella annoying, so i condensed them. i suppose it does make much more sense now. and my explanation is based in the fact that i don't think people were understanding why this isn't a good thing to be saying, period, when i posted it for the first time. even without context.

yeah, keefe displays a consistent attitude of "sophie is so adorable and small and cute and ditzy and soft". seriously, if you don't believe me, read his perspective in unlocked (or don't, because i'm going to do it for you in my part two keefe rant). it's why i don't buy his accepting sophie as a leader in stellarlune (done in a very, very tell-not-show way, may i add), unless he went through some serious development in unraveled. i may have to dedicate a whole post to that topic . . . anyway, yeah, him calling her powerful and talented feels very, very, very tell-not-show, and when you look at his internal thoughts in unlocked, it portrays her very differently. i'm not a fact of the way he sees her, truly. it feels very dumbed down and uwu-ified. no quotes from unlocked have been put into the post, so i'll have to update it later, but if i included unlocked quotes, this post would be like sixteen times its length. but yeah, you should reread the series before you come to a serious opinion. i'm obviously incredibly biased.

GOODBYE I WAS CITING THAT POST BECAUSE IT GAVE OFF THE EXACT ENERGY I FEEL KEEFE GIVES OFF . . . I DON'T EVEN THINK ELVES HAVE PERIODS (please nobody bring back that cursed discussion again, please, i beg) BUT YOU'RE SO CORRECT. SOMEONE WRITE A HUMAN AU WHERE THIS HAPPENS IMMEDIATELY

yay, a level-headed keefe lover, i love you guys. lol . . . i don't plan to go on pinterest anytime soon, or ever (and i also don't even think pinterest's format even allows for a long post like this . . . ). honestly the thought would have never even crossed my mind, because keepblr is my one true love and i'd never cheat on her. but now that you mention it, it might be funny . . .