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tavyliasin · 2 days ago

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Would July To Me?

➹pairing: Astarion x female Tav reader she/her ➹cw/tags: Angst, Spice, Smut, Hurt ➹summary: Trust is to earn and what happens when you have been lied to and manipulated for so long? Even when loving someone, your head and heart does not know all the truth in reality. No insight checks, no detecting thoughts. Just nagging doubts and vomiting fear. Lies are necessary, but sometimes THAT is what they leave when they are not and have been overused on the wrong person. Because the death of an abuser cannot be the fixing thing of all troubles. For none. Astarion seeing the all the spawns again, his victims, Sebastian, getting Scratch into danger, lies to Tav. She forgives him, but while a night of passion, the doubts creep into her thoughts. What if nothing ever changed? What if she is just one of them? Always were? What if he still just performs? What if her touch just hurts him? ➹word count: 9,471 ➹ao3 ➹prompt: BG3 2025 -July by @tavyliasin

𝖂𝖔𝖚𝖑𝖉 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖑𝖎𝖊 𝖙𝖔 𝖒𝖊?

Cold are the waters of Cocytus, filled with the tears of lies.

Filled with the agony of traitors.

Cold are the frozen bodies of liars stuck in eternal ice perishing floating.

But treachery suffers near their own victims.

Because the ocean of hurt fills also its salty water with tears shed about untruth. Tears spilled and beautiful faces distorted into masks of pain because of the lies that destroyed their lives and trust.

The waters of Cocytus in a world below, before a judgement beyond.

Not so well known as the way more gruesome Phlegethon, with the boiling waters of blood. Melting the skin and flesh from your bones, to punish you for your hate and violence.

Is it? Is it more gruesome?

Or is the forever silent scream of frozen grief; a weary heart shattered in the winter’s cold in a million shards of ice more painful? Does it more suffer, knowing which ache it caused? Paved Cocytus' path with good intentions that were nothing but synonymous of own damnation and that of your loved ones. Forced to forever hear their silent moans of pain and sobs carried by the icy, stinging wind.

We lie to survive.

We lie to protect.

Even protect what and who we love.

We lie maybe every day.

We lie even to ourselves. Maybe this perhaps most of all. We ourselves are the person we lie to the longest.

But in the end, we are the person we can lie to the least, because our reflection will always show us our truth.

Our own eyes cannot contain a lie.

Until the mirror eventually breaks and the truth seizes us.

And just like our eyes, we cannot lie to our true love either, because what happens when the moment of truth is retrieved in all our lies?

Would it have been better to stop sooner?

Or at what point can you no longer stop and only continue, ultimately lying to every other person and yourself?

Until in the end, only loneliness remains in a pile of broken pieces?

The truth you feared so much remains last.

Then all you can do is hope.

Hoping that enough remains; that there is enough left in these ruins.

Broken fragments.

Pile of shards. Smithers. Edges sharpened in the cold of Cania and Stygia.

…

The light of the sun refracted through the glass windows of the upper floor of the elfsong and danced across the old wooden floor, which housed at least as many stories as dried wine and beer stains. And certainly, as many stories as Gale knew how to tell them, or at least at that very moment tried to be able to win over Karlach to listen to them. This prompted Shadowheart to start looking for a bottle of wine – just in case. It was still early, but that also meant there was an opportunity for Gale to persevere.

Tav pushed the still empty wine goblet back to Shadowheart with a friendly smile in thanks, before she came up with the idea of filling it in broad daylight. Her companions were checking their equipment, while Wyll patiently tried to explain the game "Who Am I?" to Minsc.

"Minsc is always Minsc and Boo is always Boo."

"Oh, oh Minsc...", Wyll sighed, gradually becoming desperate, and ran his hand over his face as his brain devised a new tactic to make him understand.

"That's right, I'm Minsc!" the Rashemaar grinned at him, as if proud that the horned Ravengard had recognized this "correctly".

"No, I didn't mean that. So, from the beginning," the Warlock gestured with his hands as if they could really sort out the thoughts of the Ranger Berserker, wishful thinking, "let's assume now that I had pulled the piece of paper that says, I am Drizzt Do'Urden..."

"No," the eyes in the bald skull flashed less with confusion than with disbelief, as the eyebrow rose in great wonder at Wyll's ridiculous statement while he shook his head, "you are Wyll Ravengard."

Minsc leaned to the side and whispered more or less: "Jaheira, I don't think Wyll is doing well. He seems a bit confused in his skull up there. Talks very confused stuff."

"Haha," the harper just laughed and didn't intend to help even one of them, "do you think it's because of his heavy horns and that he hasn't gotten used to them yet?"

"Shadowheart, what do you say? Is there something wrong with our friend Wyll?" Minsc turned to her while the Warlock stared at the group for help, who seemed to ignore him skillfully, while they left him alone with Minsc's tutoring and made him his victim and his questionable care.

“I don't care,” Shadowheart snorted as she walked past, her resolve as firm as the wine bottle she was holding.

"So the ladies are more interested in wine than in men. Or are there not the right ones present? I'll document all this exactly...", Volo's voice stood out just as much as the loud scribble of his quill.

“What was that?!” Shadowheart and Tav exclaimed almost simultaneously.

“Nothing, just act naturally!” Volothamp Geddarm quickly interjected.

"Chk! I think we have found something that might interest you..."

Tav's gaze was quickly drawn away from Volo when Lae'zel opened the door to the large common room above the tavern and caught her attention.

Minthara was the first to enter the room, in her usual cool elegance. Lae'zel followed her with a frowning look, and between the two:

"Scratch?!", Tav stood up jerkily, the empty metal cup tipped over, clinking to the floor.

"He was walking around alone on the streets of the city when we spotted him," Minthara added and closed the door behind her, leaving the world and hustle and bustle of Baldur's Gate behind them for a short moment.

The dog ran towards Tav, wagging his tail, his flews twisted into a pant, but his eyes were restless. At least as restless as his tail when he began to bark in such a way that it resembled telling a story. He was too excited and especially he was alone, so something was wrong anyway.

Astarion had gone into town with Scratch, and the fact that the dog had suddenly run through it without him and returned was not only strange, but possibly even a little disturbing.

"Take Scratch with you!", Tav still heard her words echoing in her memory.

"I don't need a guard dog. I just want to run a short errand. Cazador is dead. No Gur or other vampires will lie in wait for me anymore, I'm sure, my darling," Astarion's soothing voice nonchalant as always, but also a little offended and uncomprehending like his look, as he really couldn't understand the suggestion to take the dog with him. Perhaps someone else's worries were newer to him than to her.

"I know, but I would be more comfortable if you weren't completely alone. Besides, Scratch would be happy if he could go out with you," she had answered him with an undeniable smile that could ignore any objections.

Now the four-legged companion stood in front of her, without Astarion.

"Scratch, where did you come from?", Tav immediately knelt down, her hand expertly reaching for the small bottle on her belt. She opened it with a click, drank, and looked directly at Scratch, while magic briefly flickering in her eyes.

"What happened? Where is Astarion?"

The dog shook himself with a short whimper, stepped closer, and laid his head on her shoulder.

"Master Astarion talked to people who smelled similar to him. But badly. False. Their eyes were also red like his, but glowing. Like dangerous animals. That scared me. I didn't like them. I barked. But Master didn't hear. Was too long with a man with scars on his chin and long pale hair."

Tav's heart contracted. Her breath became shallow.

'Sebastian,' she thought, and the syllable burned unspoken like cold icy steel on her tongue.

The spawn. The damned souls and remaining vampire spawn of Cazador.

Neglected, depraved vampire spawn, that's why they had scared Scratch so much, unlike Astarion who had never made him uncomfortable, despite his undead nature or unnature.

They had let them go, after everything they had been through. Into the darkness of the lower city. Into freedom. Apparently, however, they had visited Astarion again. To ask for his support? Or was it Sebastian in particular who wanted to talk to the elf?

"Why did you run away, Scratch?" she asked softly, "did they wanted to do something bad to Master Astarion?", somehow it sounded strange to call him that, at least as sweet as it was to call him the same name as Scratch called his master. Because for her it was incredibly sweet and beautiful that the faithful companion had taken the vampire to his heart and saw him as a new family. It was good. For both. Both deserved it. Tav just didn't know if Astarion knew how much he deserved it and how good it was for him, this sincere love of an animal that was as honest and devoted as Scratch.

"Bad? I..." Scratch's fluffy ears twirled, briefly flattened as he tilted his head before raising them again and turning his dark, beady eyes back to Tav, "...I don't think so. Master seemed to know them. They wanted him to come with them. Pleaded for help, I think. I just didn't like them. They didn't smell good. Didn't look good. Their eyes were strange, and they hid in the dark. But Master Astarion kept talking to them, while walking more and more into the shadows. He didn't let me stop him. I wanted to get you. The others were strange, but they didn't say or do anything bad. I waited. Then I started running. I wanted you to come."

Tav closed her eyes. Her forehead leaned against his warm fur.

"You did the right thing. You're a good boy."

But internally? Something was wrong. Like a shadow that couldn't be quite grasped.

Tav's loving, delicate fingers scratched Scratch's chin, behind his ears, and finally his tummy as she assured him: "You don't have to worry about Master Astarion. These are fleeting old acquaintances who are not doing well because they have experienced something similar to what he once did, but if they were a danger, he would not talk to them."

"All right. So we don't have to look for him? But...then why do you look like that?"

…

Hours passed.

The rays of sunlight shining through the windows into the Elfsong were gradually replaced by the redness of the dusk, the flickering lights were created by the fireplace and candles inside the room.

The door opened again – this time quietly. Hardly a sound.

And there he stood.

Astarion. Elegant as always, but with slightly tousled hair and a smile that was forced. For anyone else, it would have looked the same as always. Playful and flirtatious. But not for her. Tav looked through it and could see behind it, realized that it seemed stiff and a little rushed.

He was finally back.

"You're late," she greeted the vampire with the silver hair and eyes like deep red Burgundy wine and the words rolled over her lips were completely non-judgmental, merely stating a fact. The tone as always gentle, like the gaze of the empathetic eyes. That was how she always met him. Since their first meeting and for all time since they had become a couple, in the night at his grave.

"I know, my dear," he smiled. Too charming. Too smooth. A bit too much of everything.

Astarion's eyes, on the other hand, darted around, only able to meet her gaze briefly, whereas he was usually the master at looking so deeply and sinking into it, letting others sink into his eyes - or rather, letting them drown.

Almost guiltily, his two red rubies nimbly searched the corners of the tavern room.

"Is something wrong?" Tav asked almost knowingly, raising her eyebrow and chin, but she had no intention of putting the pale elf out of his misery. It might have been mean, and she should really throw her arms around him and ask if everything was all right, but the way he was behaving, and the way he behaved in the city that Scratch told her, made Tav hold back.

"Hm?", Astarion's searching eyes looked up at Tav and he tried to regain an impassive expression, "no."

For a few moments, she watched the vampire she knew so well. She observed his gestures, his facial expressions, and waited, waiting to see if he would say something.

But when Astarion made no move to take the chance to say something further, Tav raised an eyebrow while her arms crossed in front of her chest.

"Is there a reason why Minthara and Lae'zel had to pick up Scratch alone from the street?", her voice was calm, but had become a little harder, as had her gaze.

"So he's back in the Elfsong?", he blurted out a little hastily before clearing his throat. A hint of nervousness flickered across Astarion's face. Then his expression twisted again into a mask of feigned innocence.

"Scratch slipped away from me. He just went crazy - he must have been chasing something. I lost him in the crowd. That's why city life and dogs aren't a good combination. I spent the whole day looking for him."

Silence.

Tav simply stared fixedly at Astarion, simply staring, simply because the disbelief of him blatantly lying to her hit her so hard.

She just hoped to be wrong, to have simply misheard, but Astarion was just deceiving her and not just like that, but quite consciously. She saw that in his eyes, beamed at the fake, appeasing fake smile that played around his fangs and could be seen in every fiber of his theatrical hand gestures. It was an Astarion how he appeared and performed in front of others, giving answers, as when Shadowheart asked what immortal vampires would use gold for or whose blood tasted better, even though Tav knew that they had been his first and the only one.

It was an Astarion like right at the start, who held a knife to her throat and told her something about the city, where he was a magistrate, and him moving in other circles.

This was not her Astarion, with whom she shared the bed, a life and, above all, her heart.

"With Scratch, it sounded more like he was worried about you and like you didn't listen to him . That's how he described it, because he said he wanted to come get me," again she wanted to give him a chance to explain himself so that she understood what had happened, or so that Astarion could just say what had happened on his own.

"Oh? Did he?", the burgundy eyes flashed sharply and dangerously for a moment, "and what did my furry traitor say?"

"That you talked to others who are like you, but not like you. And that you probably didn't even notice that he disappeared because you talked so much with a man with glowing red eyes, bright long hair protruding slightly over his shoulder and combed over the sides and scars on his chin. Can that be?"

Astarion avoided her gaze. Just a moment. But it was enough.

It was enough for Tav and something turns briefly in her stomach and heart.

Not so long ago, you all had stood in front of them, and with Sebastian, Astarion had revealed what was happening to his conquests, whether he liked them or not. A moment of truth, a recognition of his guilt and yet he had pushed it aside very quickly, even if he had never really forgotten him, like his name.

"That's nonsense. Surely he was wrong. Maybe they were simple travelers or traders. I think you put too much emphasis on a dog's words. Sorry, the barking of a dog."

"And I don't like you dismissing his words," Tav's words came back a little more angrily than she intended, as she pursed her lips. They had taken Scratch in after Gomwick's death, but it still felt like he had done so much more for the group simply by being there, and that's why Tav felt the need to defend him, because he belonged to them like everyone else.

"You should have told me," her voice had taken on the soft sound again.

“Tav…” Astarion tried to dismiss the topic with a roll of his eyes.

"Yes, you caught me, I lied, so what? Come on! That was just one lie! I could have told you a lot more!”, the rogue just shrugged ignorantly and grinned crookedly with a raised eyebrow that said she shouldn't act dramatically like that.

The adventuress’ flat hand slapped against his cheek and Astarion grimaced in pain before rubbing his red cheek.

"Ouch! Gods, damn it! You're not usually like that!", he cursed and whined with a grim face that was a mixture of angry and pouting. Because Astarion knew that he deserved it, but of course he didn't really want to see it that way when he could prevent it.

"Neither do you! Since when have you been lying to me again?!" Tav hurled at him, uncomprehending and angry, her face blank and devoid of bewilderment.

"With all the things I've done to you, it's not even in the top 10," Astarion still didn't understand her sudden sensitivity.

He had only fibbed that he had been distracted by his previous victims and had been held up by them all day, so he hadn't noticed that the dog was gone, but he had run back to the tavern by himself anyway. So what was her problem now?

She'd already had to put up with and endure a lot more from him. Until now, it hadn't bothered her.

He was just the way he was. It was his nature, he had told her and he had thought it was okay for her.

But he hadn't understood that forgiving someone was not a free pass to do it again.

Actually, he knew that. Astarion knew it damn well. As well as he knew he had messed it up. That he had messed up something great and hurt a great woman, that she didn't deserve to be treated badly in the slightest. That's exactly why he reacted the way he did, so that she might not notice it, unlike him... that she deserved better than this treatment... him, perhaps.

"You're right, Astarion. You can allow yourself a lot. I would even forgive you if you were sleeping with someone else. It would hurt, hurt a damn lot, but still it wouldn't change the fact that I love you. That you belong to me, that my heart belongs to you and you gave me yours and I don't give it back willingly. But why do you think you have to lie to me again?"

A sting. Not out of jealousy. Not because of Sebastian.

But because of the lie.

At first it had really buzzed around in her head that it might be because of the old conquest of Astarion and because he had spoken to him so softly. But that was not the point. Not at all. It was about Astarion lying without remorse and without digression. He didn't even seem to have tried to tell her the truth.

"Exactly for the reason that you don't get unnecessarily upset like you are now," the vampire grumbled and took his hand from his cheek, his mouth still twisted offended.

"No," her voice cut through the air like cold iron, "not only did you lie, you also put Scratch in danger. If the crazy angry Mar'hyah from the Swoard Coast Courier had caught him – he would now be locked up in a kennel there again. Or on a cart from a dog catcher to Calimport. Or who knows something worse. But that's not the point. You didn't tell me the truth. I thought we were beyond that."

Astarion blinked indefinably for a moment, he took a step closer, his hands raised in a soothing gesture, a sparkle flickering in his eyes.

"Darling", his voice became softer, flattering, as well as his soft lips that released his words, "I didn't say it because I didn't want to scare you unnecessarily and upset you for nothing. If Scratch were already here, everything would be fine, and if not, I'm sure I could find him again soon without you going completely worried, especially when you know I've encountered the other vampire spawns and they've come to me. Not because I don't trust you. But because I…", he paused, searching for words, then leaned slightly toward her, "because you're too important to me to burden you with any more worries. It was stupid. Infinitely stupid of me, I know that now."

Tav didn't avoid him, but her gaze remained hard, expectant, while Astarion looked at her all the more gently. The corners of his mouth curled around his teeth, forming a face that was hard to be angry with, given the twinkle in his eyes, especially the approaching, familiar scent of bergamot, brandy, and rosemary.

“I thought that if I just kept quiet about it, it would be like it never happened. I just wanted you to feel safe and not immediately think that I was losing myself in my past.”

He lowered his eyes briefly, then lifted them with the full effect of his red eyes, which now had nothing seductive, but almost pleading There it was again, that shimmer of endless red.

"I didn't want to lie to you to deceive you, but to protect you and so that you wouldn't be angry with me," he pouted, "I can't stand it when you're mad because of me, so please don't be angry with me, yes? I can't help it, Tav. Sometimes I think I don't know any other way. But I'm still learning. Every day. From you."

Tav felt the anger begin to crumble inside her. His voice, his gaze, his closeness – it was like a familiar spell, one that she saw through, but that still worked. Time after time. In any case, she couldn't stand being mad at him any more than he did.

"You can trust me," Astarion said quietly, taking another step closer, his fingertips carefully searching hers, “you are my anchor. When I forget the truth, remember me. And I also find a way to make up for it."

Astarion grinned broadly and his fangs slipped over his lips, while his tongue ran over it in joyful anticipation and in propitious promise, his eyes an allusion come true.

Tav released the pent-up tension with a laugh and shook her head playfully, snubbig at his incorrigibility: "It's good, it's good. I'm not angry with you anymore."

The forgiving lips of Tav rested against Astarion's cheek as proof and she stroked her thumb lovingly over it after she had leaned back again. The gentle loving expression had returned to her eyes, which was reserved for the white-haired vampire of her life.

"I know none of this was intentional or ill-intentioned, Astarion. So everything is fine again."

…

It was a relief not only for the lovers, but also for the rest of the group, who had kept their distance as long as possible while it sounded like a relationship dispute and, unfortunately, had taken place in the middle of their guest room.

The other companions had inevitably noticed the argument, but no one had said a word. The boundary created by the love between Tav and Astarion was respected. A love that was sometimes turbulent, but deep.

Fortunately, the two now had their own room to sleep in. After the investigation into the Bhaal murder next door had been concluded—thanks to their excellent work—and Stelmane's room had been refurbished, Tav and Astarion had taken it over.

Peace at last. Closeness at last.

None of the other companions had discussed or wanted to swap, everyone was happy that the couple had their privacy and thus the camp had more peace and quiet at night.

They retreated back to their “love nest” after the last rays of sunlight had completely disappeared from the windows and the candle wax had become very liquid while they were planning the next day with the others. Astarion had told Tav what the vampire spawn wanted from him, that he had wanted to offer them some guidance and help, as much as he had available at the moment. Which wasn't all that much anyway. He knew as much as they did, because in the end he was in the same position. He, too, had only just gained his freedom and had to learn what it meant and learn to be part of society again. With all its advantages, disadvantages, consequences, rules, and sacrifices if one wanted to exist in it. Oh, and by the way, he was supposed to defeat a world-destroying Elderbrain. Just a side note totally by the way.

After wishing their friends goodnight, Tav and Astarion found themselves in the welcome silence of their own room.

Just the two of them and the moonlight that threw its silver play of colors on the inviting double bed.

In bed, snuggled up in the soft blankets, Tav lay at Astarion's side, her head on his shoulder, his fingers playing with a strand of her hair. He whispered her little nothing in her ear, flattering, sweet, almost sappy – what he did only for her.

And she laughed. Laughed honestly.

Gradually, however, his lips began to feel increasingly dangerous against her ear, as did his hand, which slid slowly over her body from her thigh to her breast.

Perhaps less dangerous than inviting, welcoming, and, in its slight coolness, warm and benevolent.

"I'm glad you're not angry anymore..." his voice murmured with a breath into it, eliciting an undertone from his throat that Astarion used quite deliberately. He knew what it sounded like – oh and he also wanted Tav to know exactly what he wanted from her.

Having her in bed with him every night without any games was nice.

Just as much as simply her closeness, her body when she lay next to him, asleep. Astarion could then observe her hair in the moonlight and her eyes behind her closed eyelids. He could hear her breathing as she slept, see her chest rise and fall. Just as he could take the tips of her breasts into his mouth when he felt like it.

Let his hand run between her legs, kiss her and bury her whole body under his own until they both moaned sweating when he wanted to.

Just like now.

„… so you have a clear head for other things when you go to bed. I think it's much nicer that way."

Again only this strip of air on her ear and yet it was a whole string quartet that made her senses go crazy.

Astarion’s hand that cupped her breast, squeezed it gently, before getting a firmer grip, was also a not very fair play.

But Tav knew as well to play a wicked game.

As her hand tangled carefully into the locks of Astarion and her Nails gently massaged his sensitive head, while soft lips already found its way to his.

At first, they stroked it gently, so that the delicate skin tickled each other, while Tav's nails continued to send electrical impulses from Astarion's head, to his neck, over his entire spine, down to the tips of his toes.

Tav lovingly enclosed Astarion's lower lip with her lips and with a pleasant sigh the two began to kiss each other.

Despite the intimate kisses, the gentle woman's hand slowly conjured up her touches on Astarion's ear and Tav heard him breathing into her kisses, whenever she touched a seemingly very special spot with her fingertips.

Her hand continued to dance slowly while Astarion's own slid under her nightgown and his skin could be felt directly on rib cage was tingling, but not as much as the subsequent feeling of her nipple between his fingers.

Their lips parted and their tongues played around each other, careful not to touch the sharp vampire fangs, although by now a few drops of blood were a tribute, which Tav liked to pay again and again, but Astarion took care of her and didn't take anything she didn't give up voluntarily.

Slowly, their tongues parted again, just so that their lips could collide all the more intensely and suck on each other.

Tav's dancing fingertips continued to wander and slid under Astarion's shirt and first they stroked his sides, from the hip back up to his shoulders, then slowly glided back and along the path again, this time gently with the tips of her nails. The filigree sensation immediately conjured up goosebumps on Astarion's pale skin and Tav heard him moan with delight into their shared kiss.

Tav continued to spoil Astarion with gentle touches, stroking his groin and hearing him sigh softly and puff pleasantly as he broke the kiss briefly to catch his breath and his lips slowly rested on her collarbone to caress the skin there.

But when silence came, another feeling crept into her heart. A quiet, gnawing doubt. A cold breath that settled like fog in her thoughts. Thoughts speaking to her:

What if he does it again? To lie?

Just like he lied earlier. As he did back then. With you. With everyone. Again and again. What if you never know everything? You think you know him, but he also knows you and knows exactly how to calm you down and manipulate you.

A very clear fear began to manifest itself in Tav and a question crystallized, which she asked herself at that moment and did not let go:

Does he really like the way I touch him while I enjoy what he does to my body? Or is he just playing a role again? As always? Am I like them...

Tav pressed her eyelids tightly together for a moment, as if she wanted to blink away the thoughts. Astarion seemed satisfied. Deeply relaxed. But there was this voice inside her—not loud, not strange. More like an old familiar, getting back in touch.

Distrust. Fear. The idea that love alone may not be enough.

“How many women have you touched like that?”

"What?"

“How many women have touched you and you pretended to like what their hands did to your skin and body?", her voice was absent, as if she were talking to herself much more than actually talking to Astarion. And despite this trance, there was a strange kind of pain in it.

"How can I ever be sure...?", she whispered.

"Tav," Astarion leaned back and looked at her in confusion. Even if her words didn't make sense to him right away, he saw her pain and already now he understood a little bit what she was getting at and it gave him a sting, because it was something he didn't want to hear. Not for either of them.

"How can I be sure that you really like what I do? If you certainly reacted the same way to their touches in the past. How am I different from them? I would have ended up in these dungeons just as well!"

Tav pushed Astarion away, hurriedly threw on a coat, and ran out.

In the darkness behind her, Astarion remained motionless – as if he could just sit out the night, but he knew that unfortunately he couldn’t.

…

They lie close together, the dimensions of truth that we fold and bend

and the storms of flames that we let pass over our tongues that call themselves lies

Untruth

But will this inferno only break out over others, or will it also seek us out? Will it return to us, enveloping us, whipping and scourging us for eternity? Without respite? Without any possibility of escape?

A slave to the awareness until the burning flames torn into a hell of shivers and before you realize, before you can turn your fate, all your misdeeds are frozen before your eyes and held in an abyss of ice forevermore until the end of times.

While you still feel the heat on your tongue, the flames of your lies, and wonder if you can still change what you've said, what your actions cause, you already feel the rot of the ice on your fingertips and feet, eating its way up your limbs and holding you tight.

Holds you captive.

Nothing can change what has happened. Nothing can change your words.

While your limbs slowly wither from the eternal cold of the ice.

In the distance, they echo again, your words, the ones that brought you to this place.

And in the distance, you hear the cries of the people you once loved so much, who now hate you, who no longer care about you, or who are now suffering. Unfortunately, an infernal torment like you.

Lies.

Can they protect?

Can they save?

How many of them are right?

And when does right become wrong? And when does wrong become right?

…

The night crept deeper into the streets of Baldur's Gate and into Tav's heart. Like the darkness and doubt in their hearts and minds, the seeds of Astarion's lies from back then. Or was it much more just her own uncertainty? Or are they both victims of circumstances? Of all the darkness and suffering they had encountered on this journey and their lives? No matter what they did and no matter who they killed, they would never free themselves from the guilt and what had happened.

One could only work on it bit by bit and silence these evil voices that wanted to poison one's heart and soul with trust and pronunciation.

And like the shadow between two hearts, Astarion's own pushed across the roof platform of the Elfsong Tavern, on whose parapet Tav stood and stared out into the night.

Her hands clung to the cloak around her shoulders, but it wasn't the cool night air that made her shiver, but rather her own thoughts, the fear in her heart and her own behavior that frightened herself.

The ravishing woman had not heard that her lover had entered the roof plateau, but she had felt his presence immediately. She felt his presence like cold fog – hard to grasp, but there.

Silence enveloped Tav, and Astarion wondered if she had already found her way to a decision. They hadn't spoken since she had turned away. No ironic remark. No excuses. Only this quiet, mute silence that was worse than any word.

“Does my past bother you?”, with these words, Astarion approached Tav, “what I did? Since - since you saw them? Their faces... shocked me... as well. I would be lying if I said it would have been different.”

It. The past.

It – them. Their faces.

„Me talking to Sebastian, my other victims and the other spawn again, did it remind you of seeing them in the cells of the dungeons below?”, an almost silent cursed hissed over his otherwise so smooth gentle lips , “that is why I didn’t wanted you to know I was with them again. I knew this can only cause trouble!”

The past. Past time, past years of life that meant infinity for him, a perpetuum mobile of almost repeating agony in limbo, past deeds. But the past had become tangible and visual, with the dirty faces of Cazador's prisoners in their worn-out, rancid clothes. His victims.

Astarion's victims...

His voice became brittle and the vehement denial and otherwise to crush and reject as in a courtroom faded and made room for something else: guilt.

Painful reproaches and feelings of guilt.

Responsibility for his own actions and participation in the wheel of infinite suffering, of which he was just as much a victim and in the end was a cogwheel, and he had seen this in the glowing eyes of the victims. Of suffering, of hatred, of giving up.

Down there, Astarion had denied it, denied it in order to maintain his attitude before Tav, to be allowed to be anything in order to be able to continue believing it himself in the end.

Although the truth at that moment descended on him and in him like flaming blows and almost made him vomit if he had thought about it just one second too much.

And now he saw that he was not the only one who had suffered this fate, or rather, still felt the same way. It had only been the spark of a flash in the pan, and it was a mistake to try to ignore such a fire.

A smoldering fire underground could harbor an inferno of hell for all time. A never ending enternal life time. Damned for all time. If you would ignore the moment of truth in all of your own lies.

"And no matter how many times I've told you I've only done what I had to, I probably haven't thought enough about the fact that I can't fool you any more than I can fool myself. But I've been lying to myself longer than you, but I still thought I could do it just as well. At least I had hoped so. That was stupid of me."

"Your past doesn't bother me, Astarion. That has never bothered me. And it doesn't and never will."

"What is it then? It must have been something. Are you no longer sure about us? Then say it right away. You went further with me than most would be, I don't blame you..."

It was a night full of doubts.

"Don't say something like that!" came from Tav instantly, her eyes sparkling more than the stars at the firmament.

Her next words were a little less harsh, but not filled with little sadness, confusion and despair: "The fact that you lied to me, the other vampire spawn, Sebastian and then again your flattering way of talking you out of everything, that suddenly scared me and made me think: What if you never stopped lying? What if never something is genuinely true? Would I even recognize it or am I just blindly trapped in a dream and don't even realize when it turns into a nightmare? And in the end, it's just a prison for you and I'm hurting you? The idea that you look at me with contempt behind your shining eyes, like some of your victims who are not like Sebastian, that eats me up inside."

"You're not like him or like the others. Like none of them. Never in any respect. Do you understand that? I want you to never forget that!", the high elf was almost vehemently angry to make it clear to her.

"That's why I don't understand why you didn't just tell me what happened in the city. Why did you decide to pretend to me again and deceive and lie to me?"

A soft, barely audible sigh. "Because I thought you wouldn't understand. That's exactly why. Because of everything that has happened now."

Tav's muscles in her face twitched a little. Her voice was calm, but with a dangerous undertone, like the last gust of wind before a storm.

"I understood you when you told me what Cazador had done to you. I understood you when you told me, crying, that you no longer want to be the monster he made of you. I was there. Every damn time."

Astarion's shoulders shrugged. Not out of remorse. Rather out of defiance.

"It was nothing more than a conversation. They asked for help. Lead. Or recognition. I don't even know exactly. And I knew that if I told you about it, you would make it something bigger than it is."

"It's something big. Not because you talked to them and went with them. But because you lied to me. If you keep things to yourself and twist the truth, it always turns into something big."

Tav's voice sounded harder than usual as she uttered these words coldly, as if she had to teach a villain from a story right and wrong.

The vampire looked at Tav's stern expression, which he hadn't seen in a long time when it comes to lookg at him. His own profile sharply in the light of the moon. For a moment he looked old. Tired.

Then he sighed, "I'm just scared, Tav."

"Of what?"

"That you see how little distance there really is between what I was and what I want to be. And that at some point you decide, it's not enough."

Silence. No romantic, meaningful silence. Rather the kind that grows between two people when a rift can no longer be bridged. It was a look behind his mask. The mask that was worn to walk upright through everyday life. The mask Astarion wore because it had always meant survival. The mask he wore because he was used to it.

Tav pushed herself off the parapet and walked over to him. No closer than necessary. But close enough that he had to hear her words.

"You want to keep me by taking the truth away from me. But you'll lose me much faster this way. If that's what you fear, what the consequence of it is."

Astarion looked at her. There was no more shine in his eyes, only tiredness.

"I know," he sighed heavily and hung his head with the white curls and it seemed as if not even the moonlight would shine on it anymore

"Astarion...", his name now gently rolled from Tav's lips, almost made his pointed elf ears twitch and he quickly looked up again.

His beloved was now standing closer to him, their hands almost touching each other and her harmonious face was gently kissed by the glow of the stars.

"Just because something doesn't go as planned and something stupid happens, like the Scratch running away in the city, because you want to show the vampire refugees in the sewers hiding places and give advice on how to control their hunger, because you feel responsible and guilty about them, you don't lose me. If it comes to a situation that I don't like and maybe makes me grumpy, there is no consequence that my love for you suddenly changes. You can be sure of my love for you," she assured him gently, before she had to confess and teach him something that might not have been so easy.

"But I'm also scared," she whispered. The words came slower than she thought, and heavier, "not of you. Not of what you are, but of who you might still be and that I realize it too late."

Astarion did not withdraw his hand. But his jaw tensed. No shock, no anger – but disappointment, quietly and sincerely.

"You think I'm playing with you." It wasn’t a question.

"No," Tav said immediately. But then: "Maybe a little."

He looked out into the night. Only briefly into the infinity of darkness under the silver glow of the sea of stars and the mystery of the moon. Then back to her.

"If I were still and only played with you like with a piece of prey, you wouldn't notice. You would feel it. And flee. Or fight. That's what you're doing. Always do."

She was silent. Her throat was dry.

"But you stay. Because you don't believe yourself that I'm betraying you, do you? You don't distrust me; you distrust the possibility that I can't be better."

Tav's eyes had become a reflection of shame as she stared at him in surprise before avoiding his gaze.

A moment passed. A deep, silent breath in two bodies that sought each other, but were separated from the truth that stood in between. But it was not truth. It was the night with its monsters and ghosts. Not the kind of creatures you could dispel with silver and spells. It was the phantoms that infected the thoughts from the pineal glands of the brain, poisoned reason and from there slowly rotted the heart and soul.

"No, it's all right, that's exactly what it is. It doesn't bother me how many people you've slept with. It bothers me that it had to be unpleasant for you. I don't want to be one of them. But... since deception, lies, manipulation were part of the daily routine I don't know, I can never be sure if you don't do to me...again.", Tav added a little quieter

Astarion's expression slipped away for a moment.

Do it again.

His own deeds hit him in the back with her words like a sharp splinter of ice, boring through to his heart.

He had done that, hadn't he? Using her? Lied? Manipulated? Exploited? Betrayed?

And he had told her to her face. Proud in her face how worthless she was for him, he didn't care about her and he just wanted to wrap her around his finger. That she fought for him and used for her like a living shield.

He had been so proud of his plan, but he had been doomed to failure from the start. With her smile, her insane personality. Funny, cheeky, indestructible...full of love and devotion. A good heart. She was kind and always gave more than she got. The perfect victim.

But she had also given him more than Astarion had wanted in the end.

Her heart, which she thought so small herself, bubbled over and had infected his and brought his drowned heart to the surface.

He thought she understood when he explained to her that his plan was a farce from the start. Only an excuse was to seek her closeness. But he had hurt her with it. Because he had slept with her anyway without being serious, because he didn’t want to mean it serious. His unconscious is excluded.

She didn't seem to be able to forget knowing that.

Just as he never could forget Sebastian's face down there. Tav had seen them all, too. She saw herself in them. He hadn't thought that it could also have an impact on her.

He always wanted to look better in front of her than he was. Never weak. That's why he didn't think about it.

"I saw how you looked at Sebastian in the dungeon and had to think about it again," Tav said quietly and Astarion pricked up his ears, "it wasn't jealousy. But it was an echo of something I don't know. And that you don't tell me."

Astarion looked at her for a long time before he answered.

"You want the whole truth? About everything I was, everything I did?", he spoke quietly and careful, unsure what to think.

"Not everything. Only what you still carry with you today. Because it is not up to me to demand everything from you, that you have to relive everything by telling me. Only as much as you can, so that I understand you better and know you better," Tav admitted.

"And if I don't know myself?" Astarion objected. Not as an excuse, they were simply his true thoughts.

"You have to start trusting me more, Astarion. I'm not made of glass. I can deal with your past, but not with lies. Just tell me you're ready to find out. With me."

It was not an ultimatum. It was a request.

He leaned towards her, not seductively – but vulnerable. And she allowed it. Her forehead rested against his. His voice was little more than a breath:

"I can't promise you that I'll never lie again. It seems I am a mess in progress. I will try, hard, to do my best. To give you what you deserve. But I can promise you that I will never stop loving you. And that I will stop fleeing if you stay with me."

Tav closed her eyes. She took him in her arms – because the part that believed, lived and loved. And it was the one she wanted to preserve, for all time. Because this part would love Astarion forever, no matter what.

She had told him that and that was the whole truth.

Worlds might perish and he himself could ram a sword into her heart, but still this heart would bleed, but it would only bleed and sing his name, while she would weep tears in the reminiscence of himself.

"As I said, your past and what you did never bothered me. But, Astarion... you are a walking warning sign. Nevertheless, we both found love when we least expected it. You were just there. Right in front of me. I would never have expected someone like you. And this can go to your head as you wish: Yes, you are great."

"No darling...", Astarion shook his head and took her hand, "but I don't feel great if I make you feel that way. I want to make you feel unique. You're the only one for me. The best in the world. I'm sorry if I ever make you feel any different. And please please please, believe me when I tell you:

No one has ever touched me like you. Never."

"Sure?"

"Never. Never. Never. Only your hands take the emptiness out of my body and replace it with love, darling."

Astarion noticed how her eyes searched in his, rowing around like a drowning man. Looking for help. Searching for truth. She tried to recognize a lie in this.

She wouldn't see any.

Many had touched him.

Some only to hurt him and punish him, some only out of greed and selfishness and had hurt him with it. Possessed his body while he tried to turn off his mind to somehow stay alive. Astarion believed that he had lost his soul and his heart.

She had shown him that it wasn't like that. Thanks to her, he had learned to love a bunch of lunatics. A weirdo who called himself of Waterdeep, the next Shadowheart, plus a gecko, a dog, a hamster and an owlbear cub that slept under his blanket.

"And I don’t touch you like the others, I promise. That's something completely different. Can you believe me? I can't change the past. Believe me, I would do it immediately if I could and if it were just to take this pain away from you."

"I'm sorry, that was so stupid of me!"

Suddenly all the tension fell away from Tav and she shook her head to not have to withstand Astarion's gaze anymore.

"No, it wasn't. These are your feelings. I am special to you. Is it bad that you want to be special to me because of that?"

His understanding caused Tav to release the tears she had been holding back: “Gods, I didn't mean to accuse you of all the things I said...”

“I understand, Tav. If I had to deal with something like you, I wouldn't know if I could, and you have every reason to consider whether you want to...”

"There's nothing to consider, Astarion!" Tav exclaimed, almost protesting, and the last tears flew from her cheek, which glistened in the moonlight, almost vehemently as a testament to her courageous decision. Just like the eyes, which stared at the vampire elf with an unprecedented conviction.

Filigree rogue fingers seized the opportunity and the flash in his red eyes was clearly visible even in the moonlight. Like a feline predator in the dark.

Astarion brought Tav's hand to his mouth and began to kiss the back of her hand tenderly.

"So that means you can forgive your foolish vampire elf?" Astarion grinned at her, before he got down on one knee, but his kisses still lingered on her hand, never stopped caressing.

His lips began to kiss her wrist and its delicate, thin skin far too lasciviously and the adventuress and her beating heart could not decide what was the most tingling thing about it:

Astarion's lip and tongue glided between her palm and fingers, and the expression in his eyes as he looked up at her from below, staring directly into her eyes.

“Just say the word and I'll be your slave,” he promised her with a tone of his voice more binding than all the chains in the world.

"You shall not be my slave, Astarion. By no one." "But if I want to, darling?"

"No, Astarion," Tav smiled patiently and pulled her charmer back up to er.

"That's not you, none of that. I don't see that in you and I don't want you to ever see that in you. I believe...that's also one of the things why it made me react that way earlier."

The white curl of hair with the pointed ears crooked.

"I don't like the way you talk about yourself, Astarion. In front of others. Call you a prostitute and let Shadowheart and Minthara make jokes about you and talk like your whole life takes place only between the sheets. That's not true. Hearing that bothers me every time and hurts me, but not because of me, but because of you. For why you don't have to put up with that, but you certainly shouldn't do it yourself. You're not an object for nobody," Tav spoke much more doggedly than he had thought, to Astarion's surprise.

"I admit, on our first night together, I also fell for your flattery. Because I wanted to. I probably wished that the words were true. That it can be true that someone like you can feel this way for me, that anyone can feel this way at all. It was nice to just be able to believe in it and let yourself go. Yes, I probably wanted to be a little deceived. I was also to blame for it. But always be sure, Astarion... you yourself as a person are enough, not what you have to give or what you could promise someone, what benefit a person could derive from you."

"I will not apologize for acting in the only way I knew at the time. Lying, deceiving and manipulating has always meant survival for me. Every day of my immortal cruel life. But if I could turn back time and do it differently, then I would definitely change my mind and not lie to you and deceive you, but start the relationship with you differently, Tav. Because you didn't deserve that I wanted to take advantage of you and I still mistrusted you, even though you only wanted my best. You're not like the others. You've never been. I realized that quickly, I just wish I had seen it immediately and treated you accordingly immediately. I can guarantee you that."

The moon above Baldur's Gate had become only a narrow crescent, little more than a faint promise on the horizon. Through the nocturnal firmament above the elfsong, his light fell on the worn stone slabs of the roof plateau of the tavern, which led like a scar over the terrace.

Silence now reigned over the city. Even the taverns had closed and the nightlife had gone to sleep even with black cats. There was silence between Tav and Astarion as she stared at him almost aghast after his last statement.

"What?", he asked and looked at her with lowered eyebrows.

"That's one of the most honest things you've ever said to me," his beloveed breathed, still impressed and visibly moved by his sincerity. Astarion's statement had shown Tav how important she was to him and how much it meant. There was no fun and games in his words, no sarcasm as usual.

And Astarion almost had to keep to himself not to destroy the moment with this one again.

So he sealed his lips as he pulled the woman he loved into his arms.

Tav put her forehead against his chest, letting go of all fear, and erasing the whispering voice in her head. If anyone whispered in her mind, it should be Astarion. Should it be sweet nothings, dirty secrets, evil plans and evil deeds and possibly sweet lies. Then it was like that. She would swallow the emptiness. Tav wanted it to never be any different. She wanted to be with him in love.

"I forgive you my foolish stupid vampire...", she murmured into his shirt.

Astarion kissed her gently on the crown of her head, then on her temple, before he lifted her chin with his index finger and the gaze of their eyes met.

„You and me against the rest of the world, my darling.”

"To damnation, whether you like it or not," Tav grinned broadly at him.

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