#with fried rice (shrimp kind)

[pureseasalt]

The Bear S02E10

Please give the shrimp who fried this rice pepto-bismol, paid vacation, and also therapy. (ft. @girlsavingherlife​)

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

Hunt!Wolfwood is such a sexy concept, thank you so much, holy shit.

Consider: Wolfwood going all Hunter mode and growling at an enemy, or an ally he's disagreeing with. That'd be so fucking hot. Also Wolfwood with fangs. Also hot.

(Wolfwood and Vash are arguing over the moral ethics of killing vs non-killing and Wolfwood just growls at him, showing fangs a little bit. Vash is trying to focus on the moral issue, but gets distracted by how hot Wolfwood is.)

uhm. can someone please come get this rabid dog off of my lawn please

[sugar-and-spite]

what are some things i could put in the world's saddest, blandest fried rice to make it taste better? it's also smothered in black pepper. like i ordered shrimp fried rice from a local place i've never been to before and i think the Only thing they seasoned it with is black pepper. there's also basically no vegetables in it, it's mostly rice and shrimp. thoughts?

[sommerbueckers]

HI BABY OKAY SO I HAVE A LITTLE ONE SHOT IDEA⁉️⁉️

so basically reader and paige know each other but aren’t exactly close just flirted a few times wtv wtv. so reader goes to a game and she’s wearing the other teams jersey😋😋 after the game paige sees her, they hang out have a few drinks and hookup.. and paige is like “take this shit off” then pulls the other teams jersey off reader

ALSO CAN I BE 🤍 ANON??

yes ofc you can !!

𝐚/𝐧: okay i literally love this idea , and congrats on being my first anon love !

𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞

➪ 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭

THREE DAYS AGO you had been sitting quietly in your apartment, the tv displaying an episode of Gilmore Girls that you, if prompted, could recite word for word. Leftover Chinese food sat cold upon the coffee table, your roommate occasionally returning to her forgotten bowl of beef broccoli.

“What’re you doing this weekend?” her voice abruptly cut through the silence, drowning out the show which could hardly be heard to begin with.

You leaned your elbow against the arm of the couch, shrugging your shoulders. “Probably nothing.”

“Per usual,” she snorted, amused. After reaching to pause the tv, she pulled her legs up under her and twisted around to face you. Her face held a look of mischief and you typically tried to steer away from any kind of conversation with her at this point, but there was nowhere for you to go. “Do you wanna take a little road trip?” she raised her eyebrows, hopefully.

“A road trip?” you repeated, your tone laced with confusion. “It’s the middle of February and you wanna take a road trip?”

Excitedly nodding her head, she scooted closer to you. “You know how i’ve been talking to Noa a lot lately?” She hadn’t even given you a chance to respond before she continued on. “Well her school plays UConn on Friday night and she said she could get me courtside tickets! How sick is that?!”

Courtside tickets to any game would be exciting, but courtside tickets to see UConn Paige play was an entirely different level of excitement.

You had met the basketball star at a penthouse party last summer. It was being hosted by some trust fund NYU student whose parents were out of town. It was said to be ‘select invite only,’ the hierarchy groups of the social food chain would be there along with whoever else they wanted to bring. You originally weren’t supposed to go, but after finding out your name was on the invite list, you and a few friends couldn’t think of any better way to spend the night.

Paige had been wearing a white crop top and a pair of jorts, and she looked far too good not to entertain for the night. All night you two had mingled and flirted, dancing together and taking shot after shot. Nothing came out of it other than another follower on Instagram, but you were just happy to have made the night a good one.

“Yeah, that’s pretty cool,” you admitted quietly. You leaned forward to grab the box of shrimp fried rice, aimlessly picking at it with your fork in an attempt to hide your clear interest in the conversation.

“Pretty cool?” your roommate gaped, “it’s fucking awesome! I finally get to meet her and you get to see Paige play in person.” She was practically bouncing off the walls at this point, her cheeks red from how hard she was smiling. She was biting her lip, no doubt to keep from squealing.

You sucked your teeth unconvincingly, your mind scattered as it tried to provide you with a quick response. “Why would I wanna see Paige?” you frowned, avoiding her eyes.

“Aren’t you guys friends?”

“Why would you think that?”

“Well you follow each other on Insta, and you’re always watching her games,” she shrugged innocently, thankfully not picking up on the way your eyes refused to meet hers or the blush that had unknowingly crept onto your face.

“Oh,” you mumbled, “well we aren’t.”

Unfortunately, it was the truth. You and Paige hadn't interacted with each other since the party and you chalked the night up to the two of you just having some drunken fun.

"Oh, so, do you wanna come down or no?"

You weighed your options, though the answer was clear. Stay in your apartment with nothing to do other than binge watch shows by yourself or join your roommate on a trip down to good ol' Storrs, Connecticut. You sighed and leaned back against the couch, crossing your arms.

"When do we leave?"

⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡

That was how you ended up sitting courtside at a UConn versus Creighton game, a white and blue jersey over your sweatshirt, the number seven displayed on the front. Your roommate had insisted that you both wear Noa’s jersey, that way she felt ‘double the support.’ You didn’t mind despite the fact that you couldn’t name a single player on the team.

The game ended with UConn sweeping Creighton, you had tuned out sometime during the third quarter after accepting the fact that the blue jays wouldn’t be able to come back. You hadn’t even noticed the game was over until the blonde beside you stood up with a groan, throwing her hands in the air.

“That’s it? It’s over just like that?” she turned to you with wide eyes.

You shrugged your shoulders, “Guess so.”

She was beyond upset, you would’ve thought she had been the one on the court. She went on a tangent after the teams disappeared into the locker room, expressing her opinion on why the game should be longer and what Creighton should’ve done. She had no idea what she was talking about, and you knew that, but still listened nonetheless.

“Are we getting something to eat?” you asked when you were sure she was done talking.

“Yeah,” she sighed out, “not sure what Noa wants to do but we can figure it out when she gets out here.”

“Okay, ‘m gonna use the bathroom real quick.” You stood from your seat, brushing off your jersey and heading toward the bathrooms.

Never before had you been to Gampel Pavilion, and curiosity got the best of you as you disregarded the large ‘Restrooms’ sign for a more enticing place. You ambled down one of the corridors, looking at all the pictures and awards that were up on the walls. Pictures of alumni in all the different uniforms through the decades, different championship trophies and plaques.

Your eyes stopped on one picture in particular; it was from the 80s and the men had bright smiles on their faces as they held up a large trophy. Their shorts were incredibly short, and you laughed to yourself as you wondered how they’d ever played in them. Before you could bring your attention away on your own accord, a familiar voice did it for you.

“You’re not supposed to be back here.”

There stood Paige Bueckers in all her six foot glory, her eyebrows knitted together as she stared at you. For having just played a game, she looked amazing. Her hair was still pulled up in its usual braid and ponytail but it was now partially covered with a gray beanie, she had put on a jacket and sweats over her uniform and looked about ready to slip out without being seen. That’s probably what she was doing.

“Oh sorry, I—I didn’t know,” you shook your head, embarrassed.

“Nah it’s cool, usually it doesn’t matter but they’re tryna clear the place out now,” she explained with a shrug, a keychain jingling from the movement of her bag on her back.

You nodded your head, silently walking past her to make your way back to the gym.

“Wait,” she called out.

You whipped your head around quicker than you should’ve, your face holding a look of innocence as you waited, no, hoped for her to say what you thought she was going to say.

“Don’t I know you?”

‘Yeah, we met last summer,’ was what you would’ve said had you been able to think straight. Instead, you stared at her dumbly until she finally spoke again.

“I think I do, we met at that one kid’s party last year,” she said. Was she trying to remind you? Like anyone would forget meeting Paige Bueckers at a party.

“Yeah, yeah I remember,” you nodded. You rubbed your forehead with a breathless laugh, thinking of what to say next. “That night was pretty blurry to be honest…”

That’s all you could come up with?

It wasn't even the truth either. You remembered everything from that night; every look, every touch.

“No yeah I get what you mean,” she laughed, “don’t even remember how I got home.”

You nodded your head to feign agreement because you knew exactly how you had gotten home.

“Creighton fan, huh?” Paige asked, gesturing to your jersey.

You glanced down, pulling the material away so you could examine it yourself. “No uh, my friend’s girlfriend or — whatever is on the team and we just came down to support her.”

“Ah, so I take it you’re not a UConn fan either?”

You laughed, “I’ve watched a couple games.”

Another lie -- you've watched every game.

“I’ll take it,” Paige smiled. “It was good seeing you again,” she said, beginning to back up. Had you not been so captured by the shade of blue that her eyes held, you would’ve missed the way they'd scanned your body. Running up and down your legs, gently biting her lip. Her eyes once again met yours and she flashed you that signature smirk before she turned around and headed out.

⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡

"This place is fucking packed," Noa commented, surveying the bar with narrowed eyes.

"Yeah, i'm gonna go see if I can get us a table."

Your roommate left your side and approached the hostess podium, you and Noa now being alone near the door. She awkwardly rocked back and forth on her feet, hands resting comfortably in her pockets. "Y'all came down here together?" she asked suddenly.

"Yeah, got here a little bit before the game actually," you smiled.

Noa hummed, "Hope you aren't driving back tomorrow," she said with a small laugh.

"What do you mean?"

"The couch at the apartment isn't the most comfortable," she sighed, scratching the back of her neck, "so I was just saying you'd probably be better off making blondie drive."

As if on cue, said blondie motioned for the two of you to follow her. "The wait was like forty-five minutes but the bar has the full menu," she said and gestured to three open seats right beside each other. You all gladly took them, sighing as you finally put your feet to rest.

The bartender came around and took your orders and the three of you finally settled in. Conversation came easy, you and Noa bonded over all things basketball. You discussed the calls that were made during the game, how a lot of them were made in favor of UConn because it was their home gym and all. While it hadn't been a complete lie, UConn would've won even without those calls.

You sipped casually on your martini, letting your two friends fall into their own conversation while you busied yourself elsewhere. Your gaze moved from table to table, scouting out someone who could turn your night around from the eventful one it had been. Once again, as though the man above had been listening solely to you, Paige and her teammates waltzed right in.

She had changed out of her basketball uniform, now dressed in a pair of cargos with a long sleeve and a vest.

Instinctively, you straightened up in your chair. They'd seated themselves on the other end of the bar, Paige sitting perfectly in your line of view. You felt like a creep the way you were watching her, but you couldn't help it. There had been a point in time where Paige had been focused on you. Her hands roaming your body as you danced together, her eyes locked on yours only, determined to make you laugh. You smiled unconsciously at the memory of that night, wishing over and over that you could relive it.

When you looked up again Paige was gone, missing from the rest of her group.

"If I didn't know any better, i'd think you were following me," her voice came from close behind you, and you found her standing there with an untouched drink in her hand.

"Well if I remember correctly, I was here first," you smiled, tilting your head. You were hoping you looked cute doing it and not dopey like you had pictured yourself. "So who's really doing the following?"

Paige chuckled, "You got me there." She moved to take the seat beside you, glancing around for a sign that someone was already sitting there. When she didn't find one, she proceeded to get comfortable. You watched contently, sipping your drink with crossed legs and waiting for her to settle. "That's the girlfriend?"

You nodded your head without looking behind you.

"Whatchu got?" you pointed at her glass.

"Dirty Shirley."

"Ah, your favorite."

Paige pursed her lips, a smile threatening to break through. "How'd you know that?" she asked.

"It was all you drank that night," you reminded her.

"Hm," she smirked, "thought you said you didn't remember much."

'Fuck,' you thought to yourself.

"I remember bits and pieces," you shrugged, distracting yourself with your drink.

The blonde playfully narrowed her eyes. She remembered everything from that night, she had only pretended not to because she felt embarrassed that she remembered everything and you didn't. She had visited your Instagram multiple times in the weeks following that, cursing herself for not having the courage to ask you out or do anything other than pointlessly flirt with you.

But here she was, being presented with the opportunity to turn things around, and she planned to take advantage of it.

"So tell me, what else do you remember?"

⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡

Two martinis and four rounds of shots later, you and Paige found yourselves in an intense game of pool. She was currently beating you, her only objection to sink the eight ball in while you still had a few balls left to knock in.

You leaned over with focused eyes, carefully lining up the stick with the ball. You could feel Paige's presence beside you, her breath hot on your ear as she spoke. "She's crumbling," the blonde teased. She sensed your stress and she was feeding off it, a thrilled expression upon her face. "Will she sink it? Or will she fumble?"

You pulled the stick back, and with a swift movement, jolted it forward. The ball flew quickly across the table, ricocheting off the side and rolling back toward the middle.

"Oh! She shoots, she misses!" Paige commentated enthusiastically, the alcohol running through her system and giving her a buzz. She pointed her finger annoyingly in your face as she backed away, getting closer and closer to her position behind the eight ball. She mimicked the stance you had done; leaning over the table and zeroing in on the ball.

A beat of silence passed and Paige still hadn't moved, her eyes slowly moved upwards to meet yours. A smile broke out onto her lips, she stood up and twirled the stick around in her hands. "How about we make this a little more interesting," she suggested lowly.

"Interesting how?" you snorted, leaning against the table.

She stepped closer to you, towering over you with a gaze that had you practically foaming at the mouth. If Paige wanted to take you on the pool table right at that moment, you would've let her. Of course, that was just the alcohol talking, and there was quite a lot of it.

"I need one shot to win, and I want a reward when I do."

"A reward, huh?" I raised my eyebrows, noticing her step closer, "What kind of reward do you want?"

"I can think of a few things..." she murmured. Paige was trying hard to be seductive right now, and she couldn't tell if it was working or not. She had already failed to hookup with you once last year at the party, and she'd be damned if she failed again.

"Like what?" you took a step closer, batting your eyelashes at her. You were teasing her and she knew it. The alcohol coursing through your system was giving you a confidence boost like no other, and you couldn't think of a better way to make use of it other than flirting with Paige.

"Well for starters," she sighed, pulling gently on the Creighton jersey that you had yet to change out of, "I don't wanna see this anymore tonight."

"Oh yeah?" you quirked a brow at her.

"Yeah, and when I win, i'm gonna take it off you," she said confidently.

You could feel yourself sweating beneath your clothes, the pool stick in your hand suddenly becoming difficult to grip. You cleared your throat when she finally stepped back, a knowing smile tugging at her lips as she repositioned herself on the other side of the table and focused on the ball. With a quick and calculated shot, the ball swiped cleanly across the table before falling into the desired slot.

The noise from the bar seemed to fade away as the realization of Paige's victory sunk in. People drunkenly moved around; dancing, singing, cheering at whatever was playing on tv, but none of that mattered to you anymore. You were unable to focus on anything other than Paige's blue eyes staring into yours, the color seemingly darker than it was just moments ago.

You rolled your eyes and set the stick down on the table, reaching for the hem of the jersey to take it off. Paige's hands quickly found your wrists, her face contorted in utter confusion. "What're you doing?" she asked.

You were playing with her.

"Taking the jersey off, isn't that what you wanted?" you frowned innocently.

Paige scoffed, "Don't test me. Let's go back to mine, you can take it off there."

You both bid your goodbyes to your friends, your roommate tossed you a questioning look that you dismissed with the wave of your hand. You waited impatiently outside for an Uber, Paige holding you close in attempt to shield you from the cold. Her eyes were fixed on your lips, the very ones that were trembling, begging to be warmed up by hers. From the moment she had seen you in the hallway she immediately recognized you, she'd recognize that ass anywhere. She had planned to send you a message tomorrow, running into you tonight had been unexpected but not unwelcome. It just gave her less time to think of what to say.

The car ride back to Paige's house left the two of you bright eyed and rosy cheeked; the radio was switched off and the driver spelled like he had just played in a basketball game and didn't bother to shower afterward. The backseat windows appeared to have a child lock on them, preventing either of you from breathing in fresh air. Between the buzz from all the drinking and toxicity of the car's air, you and Paige couldn't stop yourselves from laughing the whole way there. Her hands didn't leave your legs, but in the midst of all the welcomed chaos you hadn't even noticed.

You rolled out of the car, basking in the cold air with open arms. Paige trailed closely behind you, her hand on the small of your back as the two of you made your way up to her apartment. The second the elevators doors shut and you two were alone, your lips met hers in a searing kiss. She tasted sweet, like Dirty Shirleys and peach CÎROC shots. With your hands tangled in her hair, you pulled her closer, wanting needing to taste more of her.

Her tight grip on your hips, fingertips pressing into you, sent shivers throughout your body. She backed you into the wall, her tongue exploring every inch of your mouth while you lowered your guard and let her. So caught up in the taste of you, she almost missed the elevator opening up to her floor. Hardly even breaking the kiss, you two made your way out. Paige knew exactly where to go and you were blindly being led by her, stumbling over your own feet.

Paige fumbled around in her pocket for her keys, roughly jamming them into the lock and pushing the door open. The apartment was dark with the exception of a few city lights pouring in through the windows. Standing in place for a couple seconds longer, you felt the kiss slow down before Paige stopped it completely.

"Fuck," she spoke breathlessly, running a hand through her hair. She reluctantly backed away from you, turning on the lights. With the apartment's kitchen now being fully lit, you could see into the living room as well. The place was beautifully furnished, with little fake plants placed around on the shelves and pictures of Paige and her friends framed up on the walls. Her couch looked far more comfortable than the couch Noa had described earlier and you were dreading having to return to it later tonight.

Paige appeared in front of you, her hands coming up to cup your face. "I want you to go into my bedroom, turn the light on, and then sit down on the bed and wait for me," she instructed lowly. You nodded silently, backing up in the direction of the bedroom while giving Paige the sexiest smile you could muster. In reality, you were absolutely panicking.

Once you got to the bedroom, you switched on the lamp that rested on the bedside table and seated yourself on the edge of the bed. You were unsure of how to sit, or maybe you should try lying down? You decided on taking your shoes and socks off first, neatly dropping them on the side of the bed. You didn't have time to further your thoughts on how to sit because just as you had finished putting your things aside, Paige entered the bedroom and shut the door behind her. She was carrying a bottle of water that she set down on the nightstand, laughing when she noticed you awkwardly staring.

"You look uncomfortable."

"I'm not, just waiting for you," you replied, hoping the shakiness in your voice didn't betray you.

Paige walked over and stood before you, enticingly biting her lip. She leaned down at the same time that you leaned back, a seductive game of cat and mouse as she crawled forward whilst you crawled backward. Your smiles grew when your back hit the headboard and you realized you had nowhere else to go.

"You've been staring at me all night with those eyes," she murmured, and you felt her breath on your lips.

"What eyes?"

Paige rubbed her own nose against yours before she reconnected your lips. She pushed your legs apart with her hands, running them up and down the smooth material of your leggings. You let out a soft moan into her mouth when her knee came in contact with your heated center, bucking your hips in order to feel more of her.

Paige took it upon herself to quicken the pace, instinctively grinding into you. Her lips eventually left yours, trailing down your neck and leaving wet pecks all over. Her teeth bit softly into your skin, marking you as hers. You pressed her further into you, hands snaking under her shirt and roaming all over her back. Her attack on your flesh was violent, the pain pulling a pathetic whimper out of you.

"Fuck, do that again," Paige mumbled against your skin, repeating her actions a little rougher this time to gain a bigger reaction from you.

"Ah, Paige!" you slammed your hand against her shoulder, screwing your eyes shut.

She yanked harshly at the jersey still clinging to your body, "Take this shit off," she spat out. She pushed you down into the mattress, ripping the garment from your body and discarding it somewhere in the room. Your sweatshirt came off next, leaving you clad in only a bra and your leggings. Paige pulled her own shirt over her head, her necklace dangling over your face. You used it to pull her back down into you, hungry for a taste of her again.

Her fingertips crept underneath you and she hooked them onto your bra strap, skillfully unlatching it and pulling it off you. Dilated pupils gazed down at your exposed breasts, her hands hastily coming up to touch them like a child in a toy store. She kneaded, sucked, licked, kissed, her attention focused solely on your hardened nipples, leaving your neglected pussy uncontrollably dripping.

"Paige," you whined desperately, your back arching so far off the bed that Paige's hands forced you back down.

"Hm?" she hummed inattentively.

"I need you..."

A loud popping sound came from Paige letting go of your nipple, holding your stare as she lowered her body closer to where you needed her most. Just as she had hooked her fingers on your bra strap, she hooked them on the waistband of your leggings and slowly pulled them down.

Your panties were downright soaked, earning a mocking laugh from the blonde.

"So wet for me mama," she purred, a smirk on her face.

She took her thumb and ran it straight down your clothed slit. You sucked in a sharp breath, hands already grabbing at the sheets on the bed. To Paige, you looked like an angel lying there, like a good girl with those pleading eyes as you waited to be fucked senseless. Finally, Paige removed your panties and tossed them aside with the rest of your clothes.

She shamelessly played around in your slick, soaking each and every one of her fingers in it.

"Tell me you want it."

"I want it Paige," you breathed out.

Paige's face appeared overtop of you, her jaw clenched tightly in disapproval, "Beg."

You were so turned on you didn't even protest, instead just propped yourself up on your elbows to be closer to her. Her fingers danced around in teasingly slow circles on your clit, a knot gradually forming in your stomach. "Please I want you to fuck me, please baby I need it so bad. Want your fingers inside me," you exhorted pathetically.

Without wasting another second, the blonde inserted two lengthy fingers inside of you. It was like looking into a mirror the way Paige's face copied yours; when you bit your lip, she bit hers, when your mouth involuntarily gaped open, so did hers. She was taunting you, forcing you to see how undone you were becoming. Tightly gripping her bicep, you dug your nails into the large muscle.

Her fingers pumped in and out of you, thumb doing work on your clit to bring you closer to the edge. The squelching noise that filled the room sent heat to your cheeks, and if it wasn't that then it was the look Paige was giving you as she fucked you. She was proud of the mess you were becoming, the mess she was making you. She kissed your lips over and over again even though you couldn't kiss back.

Your head was spinning with thoughts of Paige, the feeling of Paige inside you. Your toes curled involuntarily, noises you had never heard yourself make before echoed off the walls of the room.

"Yes yes yes, i'm close," you cried out, "fuck just like that!"

Paige hurriedly kissed her way back down to your pussy, replacing her thumb with her tongue. She mercilessly sucked you like a starved woman enjoying her first meal, or a guilty one enjoying her last. Her tongue moved nimbly against you, fingers fucking in and out of you and feeling the tightness as you clenched around her.

"You gonna come for me, huh?"

"Uh huh," you fervently nodded.

"Hmm," she hummed into you, the vibrations nearly sending you over the edge, "let me hear you say it. I want to hear you say it."

"Yes! I'm gonna come for you..."

Paige expertly curled her fingers inside you, lying her tongue flat against your clit and forcing you to do none other than let go. The knot that had been building in your stomach finally fell apart, your legs snapping shut and trapping Paige's head there. You pushed and pulled at her, your desires becoming fuzzy as the orgasm swallowed you whole. Moans and strings of curse words unconsciously spilled from your lips. They were a stark contrast to the sweet things Paige cooed as she left kisses along your stomach, and your chest, and back up to your lips.

"Such a good girl," she whispered on your lips, "you were so good for me."

You shivered at the empty feeling you got from Paige pulling her fingers out of you, they were covered in the same slick that her chin was, glistening under the lamp's light. You smiled tiredly at her, snaking your arms around her neck and pressing your lips to hers.

"You tired?" she asked, observing your face.

"Yeah."

She pulled away from you and reached for the water bottle on the nightstand, twisting it open and bringing it to your lips. "Sleep here tonight," she said, "I can take you where you need to go in the morning."

Swallowing the water you said, "You sure?"

"Yeah, you probably can't walk after that anyway."

"Shut up," you snorted hitting her chest.

The two of you settled in bed together, your naked body finding warmth against her clothed one as she cuddled you close to her. You smiled to yourself, nuzzling your face in her neck and drifting off to sleep.

[keeksandgigz]

thinking of eddie helping you braid your hair when you’re getting ready to spend the night

made this about eddie and witchy because i cannot stop thinking about them- this is also for the anon who said they can't stop reading it (thank u hehehe)

fluffy fluff below the cut, witchy being jealous and thinking of hexing his exes <3

He had to drag you into his apartment.

In a hilarious turn of events, due to some kind of San Francisco strike, all metro routes were suspended and there was no way you were going to walk in heeled boots all the way to Twin Peaks.

"Why call an Uber, baby? You can literally come upstairs at mine" Eddie says, watching you huff as you read over the e-mail about the strike.

"No Eddie you don't understand. I need to be home. I have a whole ritual! And silk pillowcases! Why can't you just drive me?" you whine, hoping he'll fold to your requests like he always does.

He grabs you by the shoulders, giving you a tender look.

"Because, my lovely witchy, metro routes being down means there will be absolute pandemonium in the streets. And I'm not trying to stay fifteen minutes stuck in downhill traffic" he laughs as you follow him around the store.

He's still working, you got off an hour before and after walking around the vintage stores for an hour there wasn't much else to do. It's just him in the record shop, working the closing shift. You follow him around trying to convince him to drive you back as he puts back the vinyls in the milk crates, folds band t- shirts, and rearranges patches in the display case.

"C'mon, witchy, just go up. I have Chinese takeout from last night or spaghetti if you wanna cook, I'll stop by the hair place across the block to get you a silk pillowcase. Promise" he says, leaning over the counter to kiss your forehead he opens up the cash till.

"But Ed-" you whine, you've never slept outside of your apartment before.

"No buts, I'm sorry witchy. Now get your cute butt out of here, I've got money out" he says, puckering his lips, ready for a kiss.

You lean over the counter and give him a quick kiss before he hands you the keys to his apartment.

"Don't forget to call Lorraine to get her to feed Circe!" he exclaims before you're out the door. You roll your eyes, of course you'll call Lorraine, your neighbor, if Lorraine existed.

But he doesn't have to know you can feed Circe with a snap of your finger whenever you forget to leave food out in the morning.

So you groan and you go through the backdoor of the store to reach the small, dingy courtyard of his apartment. Second floor, apartment 5C.

This building is so old it doesn't even have an elevator. You reach the door and open it, the rattle of keys falling over the counter is the only sound that can be heard, along with the clack of the short heels of your boots.

You take your shoes off and go through his fridge. Day- old Chinese takeout, a carton of eggs and milk. Three cans of Sierra Nevada, a half- drunk bottle of Coke Zero. You open his freezer.

Honey walnut shrimp and fried rice from Trader Joe's, a bottle of vodka, and a tub of ice cream from the last time you were craving it.

You roll your eyes and pick up the phone.

"Hey Ed, you have jack shit in your fridge. Can you stop by the Greek place down the block? I’ll have a gyro with chicken and falafel on the side” you request, hearing his groan at another chore he has to do post closing.

“Baby the Chinese food in the fridge is pretty good, it’s from the place we always go to” he’s not very convincing, but he’s tired and now lost count of the cash he was counting.

“‘kay i’ll put an online order for it so you just have to go pick it up, sound good?” you ignore him.

“Ugh fine but I better get, like, the biggest kiss in return.“ he groans, but it’s true. He is a weak, weak man when it comes to you. “Get me the pita wrap with lamb and fries, and lemme also get seasoned fries on the side. Thank you witchy, love you gotta go” he says, hanging up the phone.

So you order the food and then sneak in Eddie's bedroom to change into something comfortable. Getting rid of that fine line when clothes felt too much like clothes, the stitching pressing into your skin, the cuffs of your sweater feeling a bit too tight against your wrists, your jeans too tight on your legs.

So you venture in his closet and steal a pair of sweats and a ratty black t- shirt. One of his many. You go to the bathroom and notice there's no mirror. This dude.

So you tie your hair away from your face and use the nice face wash you got him- which you're sure he rarely uses- and wipe the makeup off your face. You go look for a clean towel, 'cause God knows you will not be wiping your face with the hand towel sitting on the rod on the wall.

After your face is clean you plop yourself on the couch and watch TV to pass the time.

Thirty- odd minutes later a rattling of keys startles you. Eddie walks through the door with his arms full of plastic bags. He places them on the counter.

"Hey witchy, I see you've made yourself at home?" he says, as you walk towards him and bury yourself in his arms. At least he smelled nice.

"Hmmm missed you, Ed" you mutter against the fabric of his t- shirt.

"You missed me?" you give a little nod, followed by a hum. His heart beats a bit faster, it's nice knowing you think of him when he's away.

"Aw, witchy. I missed you too, are you hungry?" he says, giving you a sweet kiss on the head as he detaches from your grip and reaches for the bag with the food, taking out the boxes.

"Also stopped by the hair place, got you that silk pillowcase and some shampoo and conditioner to keep here. Doubt you'll wanna use my three in one shit" he snickers, and you blush timidly. He's not sweet in the way that he'll kiss you in the middle of the street, but he is for sure sweet in the way he thinks about you an embarrassing amount of times a day.

"Thanks Ed, you didn't have to do that" you say, and he blushes, the boy tinges himself pink because you appreciate him.

"Y'know, anything for you" he says, giving you a kiss on the forehead as he brings the takeout boxes to the coffee table.

You follow him and plop down on the couch "I was watching 'Sex and the City' while you were gone" you explain, biting into your gyro.

"Was Samantha being her usual crazy self?" he doesn't even know who Samantha is, but he thinks it's funny to ask you every time. You giggle as he puts on a random show for you to watch.

After an episode Eddie stands up and stretches.

"I'm beat, I think it's time for bed" he says "c'mon, witchy"

You rise from the couch and follow him into the master bathroom.

“I have a toothbrush here for you, I kinda uh-“ from his tone you can tell he’s embarrassed “I got one for here the first time you came over, in case you ever, y’know, wanted to sleep over” he says sheepishly, while you wrap your arms around him.

He offers it to you, it’s pink. Your favorite color.

“Aw, Ed. You’re so sweet, thank you” you say and you swear you can see him blush as you place a delicate kiss on his warming cheek.

This slice of domesticity taken away from the mystic vibe of your apartment really makes you wonder. It makes you think about a normal life, with him.

The way he washes his face like a madman (without face wash), letting the water wet his bangs instead of pulling his hair back, the way he ties his hair up before brushing his teeth.

You take the toothbrush out of your mouth "Ah shtill don' undestand why you don' have a mirrah" you sputter, mouth full as you spit the toothpaste in the sink.

"Why I don't have a mirror? Previous tenant broke it and my asshole landlord still won't fix it" he says, taking off his shirt. Your eyes linger on the lines of his back a little too long, bordering the line between looking and staring.

So you turn around and you try to braid your hair without a mirror, but to no avail, every strand seems to be three different sizes.

You groan in frustration as Eddie approaches you.

"Lemme help, witchy" he says, standing behind you and tending an arm out for a hair tie.

He divides the hair into three strands. Your hair is so soft between his fingers.

He wishes he could stall so that he could caress it for longer, but an impatient yawn escapes your mouth as his hands deftly get to work. Over, under, over, under-

"Where did you learn to braid hair?" you ask, feeling the way he softly holds each strand, making sure he's not pulling at your scalp. You don't see him, but a smile forms around his tongue, peeking out of his lips in concentration. Over, under.

"I had girlfriends before you, witchy. They taught me to braid my own hair" he chuckles, as you try to tune out the word girlfriends. Under, over, under.

He can see a pout form on your lips, he smiles.

"Why'd you need to braid your hair?" you huff, thinking of going on a spiraling rampage and hexing every one of his exes. Over.

"Well" he begins "one time, an ex braided my hair and it came out super curly, so I wanted to try it myself. Turns out it needs to stay in the braid for a while for that to happen" he shrugs.

Under, over, tie.

"All done," he announces, placing a kiss on the crown of your head.

"Thanks, Ed" you examine the braid, flinging it over your shoulder "looks really nice" you say, and give him a small kiss at the corner of his mouth.

He gets himself into bed. His bed is oddly comfortable and his sheets smell of laundry detergent.

"I might have been washing my sheets every other day in case you wanted to sleep over" he confesses, blushing, as he lifts his arm, opening the warmth of his chest to you.

"You" you give him a kiss "are literally" another kiss "the sweetest guy" another kiss "in the history of always" last kiss.

He gets flustered when you call him sweet, because under the hardening exterior of black chains and shirts with exploding heads and hooded skeletal figures, there's just a sweet guy who loves you and wants you to like him for being himself.

"Just want you to, you know, have a good experience with me" he says, caressing your head.

"You get an 11/10 Yelp rating, can't recommend to anyone, though. You seem to be preoccupied with a really cool girl, and it seems it's going to go on forever" you giggle, as he smiles and gives you a kiss.

"Go to sleep, cool girl. Goodnight, love you" he says, before turning off his lights.

"Goodnight, Ed" you say, turning over so he can spoon you.

"You have to say it back" he whispers in the quiet of the dark room.

"Right, sorry. I love you too, Ed" you correct yourself and close your eyes, falling into one of the best sleeps you've ever had in your life.

The morning after, Eddie wakes up to his landlord bringing in a new mirror, his hair extra curled and all his exes blocked on his social media. But he doesn't have to know about that last one.

[would-you-like-a-scooby-snack]

Hey There Scooby Doo! Here's a Promo for you!

*The screen turns on as it shows a blonde haired jock adjusting the camera.*

Blonde Jock: "I got it working everyone. It's up and running." *The jock backs up a bit.* "Hello everyone. You're probably wondering who we are right now. Well we are Mystery Incorporated, a gang of 5 who travels the world solving mysteries of many kinds. I'm Fred Jones, the Ultimate Quarterback and Ultimate Trap maker.....Or I would be if my title didn't get give to *Kevin McCallister*....!!" *An orange haired girl taps Fred on the shoulder.* "*Ahem* Right. Anyway, i'm tough, I can bench press 220, I'm an expert driver, and I am a master of setting traps. Could've been called the Ultimate Trap maker, but noooooo. I get Quarterback instead...."

Orange haired beauty: "Freddy, calm down." *Fred groans and walks off screen.* "*Ahem.* Hi everyone! My name's Daphne Blake, the Ultimate model. I'm a master at all things fashion, I'm highly resourceful, and I dabble in a bit of martial arts here and there." *Someone comes up to Daphne.*

Shaggey haired fellow: "Hey, Daph. Can you cut this wood?"

Daphne: "Sure." *She chops through the wood with ease, slipting it in half.*

Shaggey haired fellow: "Thanks."

Daphne: "You're welcome, Shaggey." *Shaggey walks off screen as cooking noises is heard.* "Anyway that's enough out of the most beautiful member of the gang, now to the smartest and cutest member of the gang!" *She turns the camera to a girl in glasses reading a book. The girl jumped from surprise.*

Girl in glasses: "W-Wait, I thought you were the beautiful one, Daph."

Daphne: "I am. But you and Scooby share the title of the cutest members. Not even beauty can compete with that. Or would you like to argue with Marcy about it, Velma?" *The girl in glasses blushes brightly and covers her face with the book.* "Hehehehe! See, cute? Whenever you're ready, Velma." *Daphne pats Velma's back and moves to the side. Velma slowly lowers the book.*

Velma: "I-I'm Velma D-Dinkle.....Brains of the group, investigator of the mysterious, a-and Ultimate Activist. I...I.....Darn it, Daph! Now I can't get my words across!" *She covers her face with the book she was ready, blushing like a mess.*

Daphne: "Hehehe! Sorry, Vel. I'm turn the camera over to Shaggey and Scooby. Ok?"

Velma: ".......Ok......" *Daphne turns the camera over to a the shaggey haired guy from earlier and a dog cooking some pineapple shrimp fried rice. Daphne whistles to them, getting their attention.*

Shaggey: "Huh? Oh, like, hello! I'm Norville Rogers. But my friends call me Shaggey. I'm the Ultimate Cook and this is my pet dog and Mystery Inc's mascot, Scooby Doo."

Scooby Doo: "Hi there. It's nice to meet everyone."

Daphne: "That smells yummy, Shaggey."

Shaggey: "Thanks. it's almost ready. I'm making pineapple shrimp fried rice."

Daphne: "Got it, Shaggey." *She turns the camera back to her.* "And that's all the members of the gang. We would love it if you would give us a promo. Looking forward to talking to you all." *Daphne smiles.*

@a-house-divided @full-course-for-people-pleasers @salmon-running-octoling @tinyronpa @needy-girl-overload @disheiress @d4y-0f-judg3m3nt @candy-cocktail @carnivore-and-cannibal @mxfia-kingpins @ask-the-steel-gray-admin-rp @ult-aikido-princess @excitement-to-consumption @fabled-fauna @y0u-f4il3d-m3 @mikado-sannoji @mercy-of-the-ashes @little-miss-noire-detective @little-miss-succubus @rxnowned-vxmpire-hxnter

[rottenpumpkin13]

Don't yuck AGSZC's yum

Genesis: Banora White apples in everything. In his stir-fry. Slices of it in his soup. Banora White soup. Banora White with rice. Banora White juice mixed in his pasta sauce. Banora White on his pizza. And Genesis is the type to put ketchup on pizza.

Sephiroth: Maple syrup and pasta. Leave him alone.

Cloud: Pickles dipped in warm milk with honey.

Sephiroth: Milk-cooked pasta with chocolate sauce. Please leave him alone.

Zack: A peanut butter- cheese-bacon-nacho chips-ham-chicken-yogurt-beef-spam-pickle-banana-and jam sandwich. Downed with an energy drink.

Sephiroth: Macaroni and cheese with jam mixed into it. Leave him alone.

Angeal: Whatever leftovers are in his fridge thrown into a giant pot because he'd rather die than let food go to waste. His favorite combinations are those that have rice, then he can use the argument that it's "just fried rice" when he has nachos, a cut up slice of pizza, shrimp and two kinds of pasta in the pot.

Sephiroth: Lasagna but one layer is cake because he needs to feel alive. Leave him alone.

[queenie-the-court-jester]

Ok I was seeing all The Farm headcanons again (No joke your talent for this Is amazing), and I love how all of The animals dont have any kind of respect for The reader with The constant insinuatons. But how you Think that they would react with The Reader being MAD?, AND i dont mean a bit angry, I mean Totally Hatefull. Like Brutus ir Cotton try to talk The reader AND just One Stare Is needed to send their asses to The other sise of The farm, I can imagine The dogs whimping of fear AND The Cats Hiding from The rage of their Darling.

Anyway Congratulayions for your first 100 followers.

-👍

thank you I'm over 200 now 💋

Princess: DARLING! OH WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? YOU'VE LEFT YOUR POOR PRINCESS ALL BY HERSELF-

y/n: stares

Princess: d-darling..?

Boss music starts playing

Princess: DARLING!?

Y/n: come one step closer I'll be mounting your head on the wall mutt.

Brutus: ...>:))

Threatening was unaffective, now you must use violence

Miguel: bet I can be a better boyfriend than-

Y/n: walks away

Miguel: hey!? Where are you going!? Come back-!

Maya: anyways like-

casper fucking snatches y/n

Maya:..NOO GIVE THEM BACK! GIVE THEM BACK. THEY'RE MINE-

Bubba: if I hear one more-

Y/n: let me do it for you-

Bubba: SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU IMBECILE

Molly: have you ever wondered what happens when we all die

Y/n: why are you like this.

Riley: you're telling me a shrimp fried this rice!?

Mimi: oh my god that joke IS SO FUCKING OLD.

Maxine: exists

Y/n: k!ll yourself asshole.

Maxine: that's not what you said last night lapin~

Y/n: can you stop talking about among us Damien, it's hard enough having to carry your baby

[REDACTED]: I thought you liked it when I talked..

Y/n: whatever gave you that idea.

Benny: excuse me sir! Have you seen my partner!? They're about this tall, clearly stupid but somehow still passes their classes!?

[shoku-and-awe]

JAL meals! Happy to get so many vegetables. There was also ice cream, which I couldn't eat and that's fine (though the stewardess looked like she might cry when I told her that).

Lunch was steamed pork with sesame sauce and ginger rice (very ginger) and wine. Sides were roast squash with broccoli and seeds, yummy fried tofu with shibazuke pickle and enoki mushroom slaw, and potato salad with dill (rare spice!!!) and shrimp.

Breakfast was curry rice with a side of some kind of bell pepper escabeche—weirdly great combo—and green tea. And the orange glob was a blood orange jelly, also delicious!

[indecenthoney]

As Sweet as She Tastes

-------------------------------------------

"You know... I never really understood why he had flashback when he ate the rat's pepperoni thing... What the fuck do you mean it's not pepperoni? You know... Ratatouille's dish? The thing he made... His name is not Ratatouille... Remy? Hey! Chill chill... I was watching I promise... Hahaha... But damn... You're telling me a shrimp, fried this rice? Hahaha... Okay okay, I'll stop... So what? You want another gummy? Or..."

It's been some time since me and friend hung out. Luckily, our schedules matched up giving us a couple of days to spend as we please. What better way to catch up and have than to get high and binge Disney movies? I've always been quite a lightweight. I could never seem to focus but every other sense was always heightened. It was a fun little experience. Sometimes I think about this day a lot. And what would've happened if I acted on my urges a little more.

"Hm... Good movie... Mm... Maybe 8/10... Well it's my opinion now, isn't it? C'mon, let's go take a little breather outside... We can watch another movie when we come back... By the way, did you make sure to hide my spare house key? You really gotta start telling me when you let yourself in here... You're always giving me heart attacks... Ugh fuck.. Alright, let's go... I need to stretch my legs ... I don't know how you girls do it sometimes... but I can't sit in place all day... Oh yeah? Stop being lazy... I will literally carry you outside if I have to... H-hey let go... Dude... Seriously... I'mma trip... Ow fuck... I told you... You okay?"

I'm not one for cliches but as fate would have it, I ended up tripping over her. Landing on top of her. Gazing into each other's eyes; completely silent. At that moment, I panicked and tried to pay attention to something other than the look she gave me. As I mentioned, every sense of mine was heightened while high. She smelled of strawberries. Lips coated in strawberry lip balm. Even her personality was as sweet as a strawberry. Despite treating her like one of the guys, she was still a lady. And within an instant, her arms coiled around my neck pulling me in for a kiss. That moment of awkwardness must have felt like an eternity to her. There was a sense of desperation as her lips interlocked with mine trying to seek some sort of reciprocation. My mind was all too hazy to process all of this and I pulled back.

"I... uhm... S-sorry I was... H-hey wait... Where are you going? We should... talk about this..."

Without a word, she rushed out the door with a pained look on her face. I felt deep regret and wondered where it would have gone if I had just been a little more greedy. A little more honest with what I wanted. My mind sometimes wanders back to that day every time I smell strawberries fills my head. Nothing really happened after that day, we never spoke of it either. She had acted like she always has with me. A jovial entity that let nothing ruin her day. Even if we did spend a lot of time together, it felt like I never really knew the real her. Always putting on that brave face; putting people first.

"Sorry? Did you say something? I was kind of blanking out... No, I am not high... I just had some things on my mind... What did you want to talk about? Yeah, dude... You can tell me anything... If it's bugging you then we should talk about it... Oh? Good news... That's good! What's up? You... got a boyfriend? Wait wait wait... since when? You didn't tell me you were talking to anybody... I... well... yeah... You don't exactly tell me everything... but... What? No, I am happy for you... Are things going to change between us? You know like... are we going to hang out less?"

She reassured me that nothing was going to change. I was relieved at the moment, but I started seeing less and less of her. Maybe, this was my punishment. Weeks and months went by without a word from her. I really was glad that she was happy. But I missed her. I thought it was high time to finally move on. See new people. Try new things. Forgive and forget. Or that was the plan. Until one random day, she called.

"Y-yo? It's been a while... No no no... No need to apologize I know you have things to do and you have your own life... How's uhm... the boyfriend? T-that's good... That's good... So what's up? You wanted to tell me something? You're what? No way... You're getting married? Isn't this a little too soon? I... no... I'm happy for you... Y-yeah I'll be there, of course... Are you going to have like a bachelorette party? Oh? My house... Just the two of us? S-sure... Consider it a wedding gift... I'll plan everything... It'll just be like old times... Yes yes, I'll grab your favorite snacks... Mhm... Yeah... I have class until 6 and should be home by 7... Mhm... See you then!"

I really am a disgusting person. I should be happy for her, right? That's what a best friend should feel, but why do I feel so lost? This felt more than just some hangout, it felt as if it'd be the last time I'd ever really see her. And that made me sad. I went about my day; dreading our hangout. I wasn't sure what to say. Or how to act. All I knew was I had to greet her with a smile and survive the night. I could feel myself slowly getting anxious as time went by. I knew I had to face her eventually. The tension increased as my class was cut short leaving me with no choice but to start heading home. I couldn't think straight and before I knew it I was at my front door. It was open. She must've let herself in again.

"Hey... I'm home... I got the snacks... That's weird... She usually rushes over to see me... Where is she? Hm... Probably watching TV... Hey are you-..."

No words escaped my lips. What I saw left me in complete shock. There she was. Touching herself with such desperation. Like she's never known the feeling of pleasure till now. To make things worse, her clothes were scattered all over my floor. Wearing nothing but my jacket which was too oversized for her. Her huffing and sniffing the remnants of my dirty clothing. A little goblin that felt as if she'd struck gold. This was so wrong. But she wasn't in the right either. She was getting married. Why? Unless. Something switched inside of me.

"Sorry... Am I interrupting something? Hey... Don't stop now... You were just getting started, yeah? Well, this is my room after all... Well, classes ended early today and I thought I would get some rest before we hung out... By the way, you have a really bad habit of walking in here... Tell me... Is this what you always do when I'm gone? What would your fiance think if I showed him this video? Of course, I took a video... How could I not? Dude... I'm not kidding... Sure... I can delete it... But I can always show him the mess you made on the bed while wearing my jacket... Hey... Woah there... and where do you think you're going... You think this is all a prank because we're friends but... What you did was a bit scandalous, don't you think? What do I care? No no no... You walked away... and you never gave me the chance to talk about it... And yes I didn't kiss you back then... and I regret it... But we're here now and nothing is going to change that... If you leave now... I really will show your little boyfriend how pretty you are fingering yourself on my bed... What do I want? Oh c'mon... You're a sick pervert, right? I'm sure you have a few ideas to shut me up..."

My cock stiffened. Not because she was on her knees. But because the same sweet scent hit me once again. It reminded me of that night. Her desperation. She left me wanting more. In a way, you could say I was addicted. But then again, I would be lying if I said seeing my best friend take the full length of my cock down her throat had no effect on me. In different circumstances, I would have wanted her to do this. Looking up at me with such love. But right now, she looked at me with such disdain. I couldn't help but push my cock down even deeper as punishment. Watching the little furrow in her brow fade away as her eyes roll back in pleasure. Hearing the quick schlicking of her cunt as she fingers herself silly in such a moment.

"What's with that look, huh? Do you really think you're in a position to show me attitude, sweetheart? I own you now... The sooner you learn that the better... Me? Disgusting? I'm not the one sniffing my best friend's clothes... Aw c'mon, don't be mad... You know you love me... Let's make up for lost time... It's okay... Don't be shy... I don't bite... Here... Lemme help you with that... That's it... That's a good girl... All the way to the back of your throat... Right right... As much as you pretend to hate this... Even now... you're still rubbing yourself stupid... Aren't ashamed of yourself? You really are fucking pervert... Does it feel good? Hm? Taking another man's cock in your mouth? Cheating like the filthy whore you are... While he's at home... smiling like an idiot... wondering how lucky he was to land a girl like you..."

I wanted to see a side of her that no one else did. She was loved by all. Something about this raging slut pumping my cock into her mouth with relent brought me euphoria. It was something only I could see. Did she not feel guilty? No. How could I blame her? Interrupting her like that. She must've been so close to a release. I bet she can barely think with how roughly she's fucking herself. I couldn't help but grab her hands. Forcing her to stop. Keeping her eager. Needy for more.

"And what do you think you're doing? I didn't give you permission to cum... But? But what? You're close? And you think I care? Bad... Bad girl... So needy... Does it hurt? Hm? Me stepping on you filthy cunt? Oh? Was that a fucking moan? Did you really get turned on by that? You really are sick... Aw, what's wrong? You wanna get off, don't you? I'm giving you my shoe... Be thankful... Go on... Hump it... That's it... Rub into my shoe... What a fucking slut... grinding and humping as you please... This is so embarrassing for you, isn't it..? A literal bitch in heat... Gonna cum? Yeah? Yeah? And stop... What? You really think I was going to let you cum on my shoe? I'm not a monster... Shhhh you'll get your release..."

Picking her up from the floor; guiding her onto my lap as I lay against the headboard. Instructing her to sit on my lap as her bare pussy pressed my cock. Quickly I grabbed her hips holding them in place to prevent any movement. Only the constant throb of my cock hitting her needy pussy. Leaving her a whimpery mess; mindless I pulled her by the chin giving her a kiss. Soon after her actions reflected mine. Sloppy wet yet gentle kisses; one after the other. Her hips gradually moving in anticipation. Not caring for the consequences to come.

"Needy little brat, aren't you? What? You don't care anymore as long as you get off? Tell me... You missing my kissing? Too dumb to think, huh..."

My mind flooded with her scent as we kissed. My cock reaching the peak of its hardness as her tongue coils mine. It was just like that night. She smelled of strawberries. Desperation. Her lips tasted as sweet as she was at that moment. If only stayed, I would have been the man marrying her. Those thoughts sent me into a spiral. I became greedy. Kissing her with a more intense rhythm. Licking and sucking her tongue. Plunging myself deeper into her moaning mouth. My fingers slowly creeping toward her ass; gently massaging her hole. Her body jerked up in surprise. I continue my assault to keep her busy as I loosened her ass with my middle finger. The tension slowly increasing as she knew my intent. Making the process easier by sliding my finger in her already wet pussy. And once again working on her rear. Her moans turned breathy leaning her head onto my shoulder as I play with her ass.

"Shhh... Shhh... It's okay... You're doing so good for me... Mhm... It's going to hurt a little, but I'll go slow... That's it... Relax... Such a good girl... Look at that... Taking it so well... Does it feel good? Yeah? Can you take another finger? If it hurts too much... You can bite down, alright? There we go... s-slowly... I'm right here, sweetie... It's okay just breathe... Why don't you lay down for me okay?"

Pulling her ass up into the air as I continually pump my fingers into her slutty hole. Spitting and slapping it. Biding my time. Prepping her for my swollen cock. Unholy sounds emanating from my bedroom. It gave me a certain high. Watching her give herself up for me. Rewarding her patience by running my thumb across her clit; sending shockwaves of pleasure I assault both her princess parts. When it was time, I pulled her over placing her onto my lap.

"You know what to do, princess... It's okay take your time... Slowly lower yourself for me... Fuck me... You're so tight... Almost there... Mhm... I won't move I promise... There's no need to cry... I know it hurts... It's over now... As I promised, I'll let you cum... There we go... Does that feel good? Hm? Me rubbing your clit like that?"

Passing the time by making her cum. A literal wave of pleasure soon flooding my lap staining me and my sheets. A smirk painted across my face as she jerked and twitched on my lap. I couldn't quite tell whether she was covering her face due to embarrassment or taking another whiff of my jacket. I wondered.

"Enjoying yourself? Here... Take it... It's my underwear from today... What? You like my scent, don't you? Here... Don't be shy... You look goofy as fuck with my underwear on your face... I'm sorry I'm sorry... Wait... Are you... actually enjoying this? You are, aren't you? I didn't think you could get any wetter but my scent does the trick, huh? God, you're disgusting..."

Pushing her down into the bed; grabbing my underwear to shove into her mouth. After all, we wouldn't want the neighbors hearing her scream as I fuck her ass. Tears ran down her face as I rammed into her. Her spirit slowly breaking with each thrust. I was nearing my climax until I slipped out. You wouldn't believe the little slut pulling her ass pussy apart to invite me in once again. Fucking relentlessly into the ass I trained. My personal anal slut. My mind went feral seeing my cum leak out of her. I used her over and over and over. Making sure to send a little wedding gift home to her boyfriend.

-------------------------------------------------------------

After the incident, she never really talked to me or called me. I guess it's a good thing. If she we ever in my vicinity, the scent of strawberries would probably get hard again. It's troubling enough trying to hide that in public. On my way home, thoughts of her lingered in my head. I was surprised to see her waiting outside my house. She looked a bit antsy or well, scared, as if she's seen a ghost.

"You... okay? Woah woah... It's okay... It's just me... What's up? Can you take a deep breath? I'm not going to fuck in the middle of the streets... What do you want? Your fiance... wants to have a gathering? And he invited me? What a nice guy... I'm starting to feel a little bad... Okay okay, that joke was in poor taste... You know what? You tell him... I'll even host it... Tomorrow... 6 PM to whatever time he wants... You guys can even crash at my place for the night... Alright... See you then..."

I kind of regret saying I'll host everything, but it'll be worth it in the end. I greeted our close friends and even met a couple of new people. By the time it was about to start, there they were the soon-to-married couple. It brought an ick to my stomach. But even then, I played the role of the host. Tending to people's needs. Even if I was busy, my eyes would always find its way back to her. Slowly one after the other people started leaving the party as the clock reached midnight. The fiance was already 8 drinks in and knocking down shot after shot. Luckily enough, I could handle my own when it comes to drinking. It pissed me off seeing him get mad at her for ruining his buzz. I held the temptation of cracking my mug over his head. She sat quietly as the two of us drank. His consciousness slowly fading away. I was tipsy, but not enough to knock me out.

"He's kind of lightweight, don't you think? Okay, I may have given him a drink or two... but I didn't make him guzzle it down... So... You gonna babysit him all night or do you wanna make out in my room?

She was reluctant. But trailed behind me as I gently guided her hand. As soon as the doors closed, I pulled her into me and leaned in for a kiss. This was what I was looking for. There was no hate or doubt. She wanted this as much as me. A kiss as sweet as she was. Not caring for her fiance or for the consequences of getting caught. Just appreciating each other's existence. She falls to her knees; kissing the tip whilst maintaining eye contact. The tip of my cock gently pressed against her lips. Guiding it slowly into her. Watching it disappear from sight. A perfect little mouth pussy to fuck to my heart's content. She quickly got up placing herself comfortably on my bed. Bring her ass up to the air as she's done before. Wriggling it and teasing me as she spreads her pussy apart. A devious little girl. To my surprise, she came prepared. Plugged and wet. Waiting for my cock. And who am I to keep a lady waiting?

"Oh? Well, look at you... Fuck me... Wet already? What? Don't tell me you were waiting for something like this to happen... Such a bad girl... Moaning already... It's just a couple of fingers... Whimper and cry all you want... But you've been dying for me to use this hole, huh? That's why you went ahead and plugged yourself? How sly... Alright... For your wedding gift, I'll fill you to the brim, yeah? Aw, what's wrong? That's just the tip, sweetheart... Any louder you'll wake your hubby up... Unless... that's what you want... You know what? That's a good idea... Why don't we show hubby how much of a fun time we're having without him, yeah?"

Carrying her off to the couch where we first left the husband. Still knocked out cold from the drinks. Moans filling the room. Wet and desperate as she hops carelessly on my cock. Moving her hips in a way that's only meant for her husband. An unholy communion of lustful souls. Load after load. Fucking it deeper and deeper into her without a care. She slowly loses her vigor; resting her poor head on my shoulder. Addicted to my scent. Her hips not giving in just yet for a couple more pleasurable strokes. A few shared kisses. The taste of strawberries lingers on my lips.

A grumble and a mumble as the fiance wakes up from his drunken nap. We've already cleaned up long before he was awake. She probed worryingly about his condition only to be met with a nasty reply. Lifting him by his collar I met his attitude with a punch to the face. I'm not one for violence, but if this was her way of treating her I'd gladly steal her away.

"If you ever hurt her... I'll make sure to cut your hands and legs off... Is that understood? Get the fuck outta here..."

-------------------------------------------------------------

The wedding never did happen. I was a bit of a home wrecker but anything to keep her safe. I haven't seen her much since then. It's just been school and work. As I entered my house, I found hands coiled around my neck pulling me into a kiss. She still has a habit of sneaking into my house.

Did I mention I didn't see her much? Woops. I just meant she went to deal with the remnants of her ruined engagement. But I've never seen her happier hogging all my jackets. I could happily tell you, that I can freely enjoy the taste of strawberries whenever I please from now on.

------------------------------------------------------------

With love and lust,

Honey

[randomprose]

“What are you doing?”

Guan Shan doesn’t pause as he drops a piece of stir fried carrot on He Tian’s bowl.

“Feeding you, you ungrateful dick.” Guan Shan says over a mouthful of sweet and sour fish. And then, just to prove his point, he also picks up a slice of mushroom and deposits it on top of He Tian’s rice. “Eat up.” 

“What am I a rabbit?” He Tian grouses as he picks at the different vegetables Guan Shan kept on piling at his bowl over the course of dinner. There’s not even any meat in it. “I don’t remember being a vegetarian.”

“Oh, believe me. I know you’re not.”

He Tian makes a face at the greens on his bowl which Guan Shan pointedly ignores. Beside them, Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi are fighting over the last piece of shrimp. On both ends of the table sit Qiu-ge and He Cheng quietly eating and the only ones exercising proper dining etiquette. 

Zhan Zheng Xi snags the last piece of shrimp but willingly relinquishes at Jian Yi’s pout. Qiu-ge rolls his eyes at the exchange as he reaches between them for another slice of pork feet.

They weren’t supposed to be part of dinner. The whole affair was supposed to be just for two. He Tian got a new place downtown and asked (read: demanded, made) Guan Shan come over and cook them a housewarming dinner. Ten minutes into Guan Shan bossing around He Tian to cut vegetables, the doorbell rang because somehow Jian Yi found out and wanted a free meal as usual. He bodied his way in with Zhan Zheng Xi in tow because where Jian Yi goes he goes. 

He Cheng and Qiu-ge arrived just as they were setting the table. He Tian had hit Jian Yi over the head for being a blabber mouth and didn’t want to let them in, but Qiu-ge muttered something about a burned house and a flooded bedroom as he pushed He Tian aside. He never did forget that incident the one (and only) time he bought them dinner. At least they brought dessert and wine. The good expensive kind. 

Guan Shan just thanked all fuck he followed his gut and made enough food to feed more than four.

He moves to put a piece of bok choy on He Tian’s bowl but his chopsticks get intercepted. He looks up and meets He Tian’s eyes. 

Stop. Don’t you dare.

His hand moves and drops it on the bowl anyway, delicately balancing it amidst the rice and all the other vegetables He Tian has moved around and still refuses to eat.

I dare.

“Fuck, Guan Shan. If you insists on shoving a balanced meal down my throat at least put some meat in it too.”

“Fine,” Guan Shang sighs muttering ‘picky eater, fucking child’ under his breath. “There.”

He puts a piece of chicken breast on He Tian’s bowl. Steamed. No Sauce. White meat.

He Tian sends him an annoyed smile. The glint in his eyes tells Guan Shan he’s about to try his patience some more and do something stupid.

“I’ll eat the vegetables if you feed them to me, darling~.”

He Tian says this with a sugary smile not caring if He Cheng is literally on the same table and witnessing his brother acting shamelessly. His tone is lilting with the pet name as an annoyingly cloying cherry on top, all meant to embarrass Guan Shan, he knows, but years of being exposed to He Tian’s shamlessness has somewhat immuned him to his antics. Somewhat.

This is one of those times. Guan Shan takes food and nutrition very seriously. 

“Fine.” Guan Shan picks up the piece of bok choy and puts it near He Tian’s mouth. “Open up.”

He Tian rears back as he looks at the piece of vegetable like it personally offended him. Then he looks at Guan Shan, nonchalantly but expectantly holding up his chopsticks as if feeding a child, and glares.

“Mo Guan Shan.” A warning.

“He Tian.” A challenge.

The table has grown silent as everyone watches the exchange. He Cheng sips at his wine and continues to eat, acting like he doesn’t care and pretending the scene in front of him doesn't interest him, but He Tian knows he’s waiting as well. No one has ever succeeded in making him eat his vegetables. Not the baby sitters, not the maids, not He Cheng, not even their own mother.

He Tian’s glare intensifies, feeling like a cornered animal. There’s oyster sauce dripping down the bok choy’s stem. He tries to convey a promise of wicked retribution to try and scare Guan Shan into backing down but he just meets He Tian's glare with a look that says 'If you don't eat your vegetables I will never cook for you again. Ever.' 

And He Tian can say he doesn’t care. It’s just food after all and he's got the money to eat good food whenever the fuck he wants if he feels like it. But the truth is it’s a real threat because he’s always really liked Guan Shang’s food. His cooking has truly elevated ever since he started apprenticing under a chef that own’s a famous family restaurant at Dongcheng. He’s saving up money to go to culinary school next year. Get proper professional training and get certified. When that happens, Guan Shan’s food is gonna be stupidly hella good and if He Tian doesn’t yield now Guan Shan will surely make good with his threat. He'll probably still cook for Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi just to spite him and He Tian really doesn’t want that.

So He Tian opens his mouth and lets Guan Shan feed him his stupid vegetables. 

Beside them, He Cheng stifles a smile through his wine glass. ‘Whipped’ his eyes taunts and He Tian glares at him acidly through his mouthful of bokchoy. 

Later, when the table has been cleared and they’ve all had dessert, He Cheng gets a call and he and Qiu-ge excuse themselves to leave. He Tian walks them to the door, anticipating an order or a job assignment. There usually is something whenever He Cheng gets a call that requires him to leave immediately.

“Nice wife you got there,” He Cheng comments as he puts on his coat.

A teasing instead of an order.

It catches He Tian off-guard. His eyes stray to where Guan Shan is making Jian Yi do the dishes while Zhan Zheng Xi cleans the pots and pans. He’s got a plain white apron on and a towel drying a plate Jian Yi has finished washing. He makes him redo it when he deems it not clean enough. The kettle sounds off and Guan Shan goes to turn it off. There’s three mugs with instant coffee on the counter and one with a teabag of green tea for Jian Yi.

And suddenly, He Tian is hit with the word. Wife. Guan Shan will blow his top off if he finds out he’s being referred to as such so He Tian thinks of another word. Husband. The word hits him like a freight train, heady with the images it implies. 

Fuck. He Tian will gladly be called the wife if he gets to call Mo Guan Shan his husband.

“He’s uh—Huh. Hm. Yeah. That’s—He’s…Yeah.”

He Cheng follows Qiu-ge out the door. He lights up a cigarette, shaking his head at his brother and thinks, 'Whipped'.

[vampiric-succulent]

OUAW EP 20:

It’s not even past the bean footage yet and already I have a thing to comment about—

“Hey. Keep working. Keep your hands down.” Idk if it’s just Mace or if it’s me but this is an interesting thing to start the episode with

Also I lowkey already watched this but considering that I wasn’t really paying attention due to Sleep im rewatching

Oh this is the Silly Goofy episode. Got it.

Watching this is so different now that I know how tall each of these people actually are in real life

“Mr Kremyyyyy….. Torbek had a nightmaaaare………..” torb <3

Hot jones?

Why is Mikey using the King Shmebulon voice

Oh the energy here is so weird today

NEXT YOURE GONNA TELL TORBEK THAT A SHRIMP FRIED THAT RICE and they’re gone

The improv shenanigans here are SO GOOD— “the wee hours” watches and the blue J and the bottle of something

HOT JONES!!!

“There was that guy and he was like… woah.” Bi Gricko!!!! “Why you always watching these kingly types and looking at their woah?” Lmfao Gideon you are no better

Degenerate Jones

TABAXI TORBEK and eughhh Mammon Tiefling Gricko (applying for all Mammon Tiefling Gricko)

I love how Kremy is super paranoid thinks everyone is out to get him but still immediately tells Gideon everything (I need to see Gideon do some sort of something back bc coalecroux is feeling increasingly one sided and it is making me sad)

“Torbek was happy with the infinite abyss”

THE FEDS

Poor Twig she went from dealing with absolute loneliness to dealing with all this bullshit. She needs to have the space to Bogart out a little bit like get this woman a destruction room

Twig 🤝 Torbek

coping mechanisms

Gideon has such older brother who acts like a father figure to Twig vibes

THE FEDS THEYRE IN THE CLOTHES

Torbek is simply following suit… following the suit to the ground lmfao

PENIS NOSE?????? HOW IS THAT AN OPTION

Gideon is overwhelmed by Penis im sorry

This is just reminding me of when Frost got the proud nudist curse and Derek made that slapping turn joke 😭

Obligatory “im walkin here” please stop

Nvm we have the coalecroux and also poly party affirmations (long shots and headcanons)

OH!!! Woah there Kremy

“Think of the Federal government!” Quick Gid take your clothes off!! The government!!!

OH NO THE ORCIFICATION

NO THE FUCKING CABINET

DEREK. DEREK WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT DEREK WE COULD HAVE NEVER GONE DOWN THAT ROAD

Love Torbek’s Spring Aladrin voice. It’s like some sort of old English aristocratic friend of Oscar Wilde.

Oop! Theseus’s Ship mentioned (kind of)

“Did we do a bunch of drugs before bed again?” Funny you should have asked that Gideon given what is now happening

“Tentacles probe me” “yes Gideon join us the time is now get naked”

WHY IS IT ERECT NOW DEREK. PUT THAT DOWN. “Something about beekeeper helmets…” HUH

Oh god Twig is gonna bogart out

PUT IT DOWN. PUT THAT THING DOWN AND AWAY.

“STOP BEING ERECT. STOP EATING MY BONES”

Love how Nikkie says “your mind is back to Gricko” and Mikey just starts screaming

Whoops!

It is so impressive how Twig is so controlled. Like she has every justification to absolutely freak out right now and she’s keeping calm and trying to manage things.

Thank god Hootsie is out of this lol

NO TWIG LOOK AWAY

“Torbek was *very* thorough.”

Okay seriously how old is Twig?? This is a very important question. Like REALLY important.

I’m imagining Spring Aladrin Torbek lying on a couch like he’s gonna say “draw me like one of your French girls”

Guys. Please. We are nearly halfway through this video. Please.

YES CAST SILENCE. HUSH MICHAEL.

No Twig it’s not your fault!!!!!!! No!!!!!!!!!!!

Not the Pennsylvanian sperm trees

“After what I’ve watched today I don’t think you’ll accomplish anything of value.”

Not the milk joke PLEASE y’all not the cilk

Frost is so sweet tho

No more Hot Joneses :(

Yesss Twig establish those boundaries!!!!

Tom is such a deep cut

Okay so Twig is at least 200 years old. Good. That’s really good. Good to know.

Grinko is having a stronk. Please call the Gronkulance.

WHAT HAPPENED TO HOOTSIE.

Omg she’s their niece!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But also HOLY FUCK HE HIT HER??? WITH A CABINET????????

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

Menasith, and their older sibling Menapauthe.

The Glowing Anus 😭

Oh this is Nikkie’s fault. Fantastic.

MORNING FROTH CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE

“That’s very funny Gricko. Your daughter is possibly bleeding out.”

Ohhhh Hootsie’s okay thank god

Gricko however is really not

Okay so I know this is a fantasy campaign and we are in the literal Feywild so this like kind of doesn’t matter but how does Gideon get energy??? Does he need to absorb nutrients or is it just sort of as long as he keeps his internal furnace alive he’s okay?

Twig boundaries 100 with regards to Torbek but fully get the party’s concerns

Also Twigsy ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Not Gricko being hypnotized by Spring Aladrin Torbek’s hip sway

Torbek does not know but Torbek must dance!!!!

Oh Torbek’s ticket is so sad

“This is an Acorn Satchel!!!”

Mikey annoying Nikkie so much that she just takes things away

Frost getting jealous over the Gricko impression 😭❤️

What is a mud meffet?????

I love Andy so much. Oh he’s wonderful. So glad he’s here.

KLUTZY RETURNS for like two seconds

Love these guys. Oh my lord. Also what the fuck happened in the first like hour???? Still a fun little episode.

[15-lizards]

In honour of George’s cookbook.... Food headcannons please! I’d love you to do one of the free cities like Myr 

Order up while we wait another ten years for Winds… 👩‍🍳🥘🧆🍛

Myr, the fertile heel of Essos, reminds me a lot of Spain and the Iberian Peninsula in general. A port city with a warm climate good for growing. This means lots of staples like rice and other grains, and plentiful olives/olive oil as well. Seafood is a huge part of the diet too. This leads to large fried grain dishes topped with mollusks or fish or shrimp (like Paella), and versatile seafood soups and stews with plenty of spices being quite popular in Myr.

Volantis’ climate reminds me of Thailand, Vietnam, and other surrounding SEA countries, so let’s say the food is similar too. Plenty of rice and noodles to pour your main dishes on top of. Multiple courses consisting of spicy stews/curries, fried meat and veggie dishes, fish platters, and gelatinous rice dishes. Cold noodles and other chilled foods are very popular too, due to the relief it provides from the sticky heat

Lys is kind of a a mishmash of the Greek islands, so let’s go with classic Mediterranean foods. The island is very fertile, so I think they like to make use of their abundance of veggies. Cold salad-like dishes are very popular, drenched in oil and spices. Cooked vegetables are usually the main course, often stuffed with rice, chicken, or other filling foods. There are also dips and sauces bc they seem like dips and sauces ppl.

I know Braavos is supposed to be like Venice but it’s also cold and wet there so…✨Polish and general North Eastern European food✨ but it works hear me out. Multicultural blends of vegetable and fish stews that have changed over time to become uniquely Braavoisi. Veggies/fish/meet/fruit/literally anything wrapped in dough bc things wrapped in dough surpass borders. Overall just a mash of differing cultures the city was founded on plus the environment in which they live. (Shoutout @ludcake for the help 🫶)

Croatian food is notably heterogeneous so that’s why I think it’s perfect for Pentos. There’s no one major inspiration for its food, being a major trade city, its people take knowledge from whichever foreigner has pulled into port and uses it for their cuisine. Flavorful and random seafood stews. Simple cold salads with vinegar and potatoes. Very daring raw octopus dishes. The list goes on

[buffetlicious]

The lazy Susan was quickly filled with dishes as we continued with our reunion dinner. The Prawn Paste Chicken (虾酱鸡) featured plump and juicy mid-wings coated in a batter of fermented shrimp paste. Also known as Har Cheong Gai, it is crispy with an umami aftertaste and a hit with young and old.

The stir-fried French Bean with Dried Shrimp (虾米四季豆) might look deceptively plain but plain and simple it is not! The string beans or green beans is flash-fried with minced hae bee (dried shrimps) to absorb the wok hei (wok thermal radiation or breath of the wok) yet maintained the crunchy texture and aroma of the sea (dried shrimp). This dish was one of the highlights of the dinner.

My nephew asked for this Fried Rice with Chicken (鸡丁炒饭) as he preferred it over the steamed white rice the rest of us are having. The Yam Ring (佛钵飘香) featured a ring of deep-fried mashed yam (taro) and filled with sautéed seafood such as prawn, squid and also various vegetables. Normally one would also find cashew nuts in it, but I didn’t notice any this time. Plating is done haphazardly as the chef just poured everything into the yam ring. If I will to do it, I would place the vegetables at the bottom and present the seafood on top with a sprinkle of crunchy cashew nuts over it. Anyway, dish is passable but not fantastic in taste and an “F” for presentation.

Popeye’s power booster canned vegetable is reimagined into Spinach with Trio Eggs (三皇苋菜). To enhance the power, three kinds of egg are used – normal chicken egg, preserved century egg and salted duck egg. Finally, the eyes is also protected with goji berry or wolfberry added into the thick soup. With all the above ingredients used, how can a vegetable soup like this not be good for you?

Fish Maw & Crab Meat Soup (蟹肉鱼鳔羮) is the most expensive dish of the night at S$45 (large portion) due to the two premium ingredients. The thickened soup is chocked with the spongy fish maw, succulent crab meat and I also detected mushrooms in there. Before eating, drizzle a few drops of the black vinegar and add a dash of white pepper.

The Emperor Chicken (皇帝鸡) is also known as herbal chicken. In the olden days, the emperor’s diet was strictly prescribed and monitored by physicians, because it was important for the emperor to be in excellent health in order to focus on governing the Kingdom. This was one of the healthy dishes the emperor ate! The chicken is wrapped in the waxed paper and aluminum foil then steamed for a few hours until the meat is tender and the flavours of the herbs is infused into the chicken.

The last dish to be served is the Poached Prawns (白灼虾). If the ingredients are fresh, you just need minimum condiments and simple cooking style to bring out the best in taste. So here the prawns are boiled in basically water, ginger and scallion for a couple of minutes at most. Chinese cooking wine is then drizzled into the broth to enhance the overall flavours.

For this reunion meal, we spent S$331.76 for the dishes, steamed rice and drinks including 10% service charge. I can foresee the next year we will be back here for our dinner again. After all the food is good and the place is nearby our houses.

[orpheusilver]

that was. fucking glorious

some lady just came out of the vietnamese restaurant by the bus stop we were waiting at and gave us free dinner????

[najia-cooks]

[ID: Rice noodles topped with yellow fried tofu and chives; piles of chili powder, peanuts, and chive stems to the side. End ID]

ผัดไทย / Phad thai (Thai noodle dish with tamarind and chives)

Phad thai, or pad thai ("Thai stir-fry") is a dish famous for its balance of sour, sweet, savory, and spicy flavors, and its combination of fried and fresh ingredients. It's commonly available in Thai restaurants in the U.S.A. and Europe—however, it's likely that restaurant versions aren't vegetarian (fish sauce!), and even likelier that they don't feature many ingredients that traditionalists consider essential to phad thai (such as garlic chives or sweetened preserved radish—or even tamarind, which they may replace with ketchup).

Despite the appeals to tradition that phad thai sometimes inspires, the dish as such is less than 100 years old. Prime Minister Plaek Phibunsongkhram popularized the stir-fry in the wake of a 1932 revolution that established a constitutional monarchy in Thailand (previously Siam); promotion of the newly created dish at home and abroad was a way to promote a new "Thai" identity, a way to use broken grains of rice to free up more of the crop for export, and a way to promote recognition of Thailand on a worldwide culinary stage. Despite the dish's patriotic function, most of the components of phad thai are not Thai in origin—stir-fried noodles, especially, had a close association with China at the time.

My version replaces fish sauce with tao jiew (Thai fermented bean paste) and dried shrimp with shiitake mushrooms, and uses a spiced batter that fries up like eggs. Tamarind, palm sugar, prik bon (Thai roasted chili flakes), and chai po wan (sweet preserved radish) produce phad thai's signature blend of tart, sweet, and umami flavors.

Recipe under the cut!

Patreon | Tip jar

Serves 2.

Ingredients:

For the sauce:

3 Tbsp (35g) Thai palm sugar (น้ำตาลปึก / nam tan puek)

2 Tbsp vegetarian fish sauce, or a mixture of Thai soy sauce and tao jiew

1/4 cup tamarind paste (made from 50g seeded tamarind pulp, or 80g with seeds)

Thai palm sugar is the evaporate of palm tree sap; it has a light caramel taste. It can be purchased in jars or bags at an Asian grocery, or substituted with light brown sugar or a mixture of white sugar and jaggery.

Seedless tamarind pulp can be purchased in vacuum-sealed blocks at an Asian grocery store—try to find some that's a product of Thailand. I have also made this dish with Indian tamarind, though it may be more sour—taste and adjust how much paste you include accordingly.

You could skip making your own tamarind paste by buying a jar of Thai "tamarind concentrate" and cooking it down. Indian tamarind concentrate may also be used, but it is much thicker and may need to be watered down.

For the stir-fry:

4oz flat rice noodles ("thin" or "medium"), soaked in room-temperature water 1 hour

1/4 cup chopped Thai shallots (or substitute Western shallots)

3 large cloves (20g) garlic, chopped

170g pressed tofu

3 Tbsp (23g) sweet preserved radish (chai po wan), minced

1 Tbsp ground dried shiitake mushroom, or 2 Tbsp diced fresh shiitake (as a substitute for dried shrimp)

Cooking oil (ideally soybean or peanut)

The rice noodles used for phad thai should be about 1/4" (1/2cm) wide, and will be labelled "thin" or "medium," depending on the brand—T&T's "thin" noodles are good, or Erawan's "medium." They may be a product of Vietnam or of Thailand; just try to find some without tapioca as an added ingredient.

Pressed tofu may be found at an Asian grocery store. It is firmer than the extra firm tofu available at most Western grocery stores. Thai pressed tofu is often yellow on the outside. If you can't locate any, use extra firm tofu and press it for at least 30 minutes.

Sweetened preserved radish adds a deeply sweet, slightly funky flavor and some texture to phad thai. Make sure that your preserved radish is the sweet kind, not the salted kind.

For the eggs

¼ cup + 2 Tbsp (60g) white rice flour

3 Tbsp (22.5g) all-purpose flour (substitute more rice flour for a gluten-free version)

1 tsp ground turmeric

About 1 ¼ cup (295mL) coconut milk (canned or boxed; the kind for cooking, not drinking)

¼ tsp kala namak (black salt), or substitute table salt

Pinch prik bon (optional)

To serve:

Prik bon

2 1/2 cups bean sprouts

3 bunches (25g) garlic chives

1 banana blossom (หัวปลี / hua plee) (optional)

1/3 cup peanuts, roasted

Additional sugar

Garlic chives, also known as Chinese chives or Chinese leeks, are wider and flatter than Western chives. They may be found at an Asian grocery; or substitute green onion.

Banana blossoms are more likely to be found canned than fresh outside of Asia. They may be omitted if you can't find any.

Instructions:

For the eggs:

1. Whisk all ingredients together in a mixing bowl. Cover and allow to rest.

For the noodles:

1. Soak rice noodles in room-temperature water for 1 hour, making sure they're completely submerged. After they've been soaked, they feel almost completely pliant. Cut the noodles in half using kitchen scissors.

For the tamarind paste:

1. Break off a chunk of about 50g seedless tamarind, or 80g seeded. Break it apart into several pieces and place it at the bottom of a bowl. Pour 2/3 cup (150mL) just-boiled water over the tamarind and allow it to soak for about 20 minutes, until it is cool enough to handle.

2. Palpate the tamarind pulp with your hands and remove hard seeds and fibres. Pulverise the pulp in a blender (or with an immersion blender) and pass it through a sieve—if you have something thicker than a fine mesh sieve, use that, as this is a thick paste. Press the paste against the sieve to get all the liquid out and leave only the tough fibers behind.

You should have about 1/4 cup (70g) of tamarind paste. If necessary, pour another few tablespoons of water over the sieve to help rinse off the fibers and get all of the paste that you can.

3. Taste your tamarind paste. If it is intensely sour, add a little water and stir.

For the sauce:

1. If not using vegetarian fish sauce, whisk 1 Tbsp tao jiew with 1 Tbsp Thai soy sauce in a small bowl. You can also substitute tao jiew with Japanese white miso paste or another fermented soybean product (such as doenjang or Chinese fermented bean paste), and Thai soy sauce with Chinese light soy sauce. Fish sauce doesn't take "like" fish, merely fermented and intensely salty, and that's the flavor we're trying to mimic here.

2. Heat a small sauce pan on medium. Add palm sugar (or whatever sugar you're using) and cooking, stirring and scraping the bottom of the pot often, until the sugar melts. Cook for another couple of minutes until the sugar browns slightly.

3. Immediately add tamarind and stir. This may cause the sugar to crystallize; just keep cooking and stirring the sauce to allow the sugar to dissolve.

4. Add fish sauce and stir. Continue cooking for another couple of minutes to heat through. Remove from heat. Taste and adjust sugar and salt.

To stir-fry:

1. Cut the tofu into pieces about 1" x 1/4" x 1/4" (2.5 x 1/2 x 1/2cm) in size.

2. Separate the stalks of the chives from the greens and set them aside for garnish. Cut the greens into 1 1/2” pieces.

3. Chop the shallots and garlic. If using fresh shiitake mushrooms, dice them, including the stems. If using dried, grind them in a mortar and pestle or using a spice mill.

4. Roast peanuts in a skillet on medium heat, stirring often, until fragrant and a shade darker.

5. Remove the tough, pink outer leaves of the fresh banana blossom until you get to the white. Cut off the stem and cut lengthwise into wedges (like an orange). Rub exposed surfaces with a lime wedge to prevent browning. If your banana blossom is canned, drain and cut into wedges.

6. Heat a large wok (or flat-bottomed pan) on medium-high. Add oil and swirl to coat the wok's surface.

If you're using extra firm (instead of pressed) tofu, fry it now to prevent it from breaking apart later. Add about 1" (2.5cm) of oil to the wok, and fry the tofu, stirring and flipping occasionally, until golden brown on all sides. Remove tofu onto a plate using a slotted spoon. Carefully remove excess oil from the wok (into a wide bowl, for example) and reserve for reuse.

7. Fry shallots, garlic, preserved radish and tofu (if you didn't fry it before), stirring often, until shallots are translucent. Add mushroom and fry another minute.

8. Add pre-fried tofu, drained noodles, and sauce to the wok. Cook, stirring often with a spatula or tossing with tongs, until the sauce has absorbed and the noodles are completely pliant and well-cooked. (If sauce absorbs before the noodles are cooked, add some water and continue to toss.)

9. Push noodles to the side. Add 'egg' batter and re-cover with the noodles. Cook for a couple minutes, until the egg had mostly solidified. Stir to break up the egg and mix it in with the noodles.

10. Remove from heat. Add half the roasted peanuts, half of the bean sprouts, and all of the greens of the chives. Cover for a minute or two to allow the greens to wilt.

11. Serve with additional peanuts, bean sprouts, banana blossom wedges, chive stems, and lime wedges on the side. Have prik bon and additional grated palm sugar at table.