#will report as soon as I get 50 hours of sleep

[nnobodoodles]

Just posting some fancy 1920s characters I made to mess around with ☕✨

(aka things that happen when I read Wodehouse, Lackadaisy and binge Downton Abbey)

From left to right: Priya, Freddie, Matthew, Arthur & Marion

1928

Lord Dalham's son has succumbed to illness and the next heir to his title, his nephew Frederick Barlow, a solicitor, is to return to England after spending the last two years in India.

"Freddie", isn't quite the reserved, serious man that everyone remembered upon return; because they are in fact, Frederick's unruly twin that was travelling by his side to be engaged to an English officer.

After their brother's unexpected death, Freddie assumed his identity, recruiting the help of Frederick's former valet, one Matthew Halkett.

Through gentlemen's clubs, fancy country houses, speakeasies and gambling pits, dog shows and county fairs, Freddie discovers alarming and conflicting information regarding their twin, as well as people who seem to have curious ties to him.

Freddie Barlow (28)

Despite being born in the upper classes and having the privileges that come with this, Freddie never quite found their calling in life, nor were they considered a particularly graceful aristocrat; not being the one for sports like tennis, or the arts, desperately failing at music and painting.

They would have liked to pursue acting, but that option was of course, off the table. They were supposed to be a socialite like their mother, and their acting skills were required to put on a mask and pull on strings. That seemed to keep everyone pleased until in an effort to protect their best friend from a predatory suitor, Freddie allowed scandal to soil their name and was sent to India to get married, accompanied by their twin, Frederick.

After Frederick's death in a railroad "accident", Freddie discovers a plot against their family, and assumes his identity upon arriving in England, after a 2-year absence. Their alter ego is assumed to still be in India and married to an English officer.

Freddie is constantly discovering alarming and conflicting information regarding their twin and bears guilt, doubt, and identity issues over their actions.

(Freddie is afab & non-binary/genderfluid by today's standards, all pronouns apply but in the context of the story, Freddie leans towards masculine terms)

Matthew Halkett (30)

Matthew Halkett was Frederick's former valet, who was let go before the twins' trip to India.

Halkett grew up into poverty and was a thief and an underground boxer as a youth, before turning his life around in his teens. He dedicated his life to service, when his uncle, butler at Lord Dalham's big estate, helped him get into service as a footman. He soon found he has a particularly keen eye for detail, and a strong work ethic that made him shine amongst staff. He also served in the Great War before his employment at the Barlow household.

Upon receiving news of his potential title as heir to his uncle, Frederick required a valet, and when the two met at Lord Dalham's estate the offer was made.

As Frederick's valet Halkett knew most of the secrets of the household, including Freddie's. Due to an unjustly blamed incident of theft, Frederick fired him with no reference which left him in a rather unsatisfactory position, under the employment of an old bubbling arrogant Colonel.

His previous position also makes him a target of Frederick's enemies after his death. He is the first ally Freddie seeks out upon returning to England, and is offered, once again, the position of the valet on their side instead.

Priya Curtis (21)

The youngest daughter of middle class merchants, Priya Curtis is an sweet and elegant young lady of British-Indian heritage who seems to have followed Freddie all the way on his trip back to England. Or more like, she seems to think she's following Frederick.

The reason? Why, revenge, of course.

If they get past that misunderstanding, Priya and Freddie might discover they are connected by something of a familial nature.

Arthur Pennington (28)

Arthur Pennington is the son of an English earl & an American heiress, and Frederick's friend from their university days in Oxford. Despite his wealth, he also studied law but remains rather unworldly and naive due to a rather sheltered lifestyle. He makes up with his infectious energy, friendliness, and unending loyalty, and he's eager to recount old stories to Freddie, initially not realizing he's not talking to their twin.

Marion Ellis (36)

A Renaissance lady; writer, poet, and predominantly a journalist, she spent many good years in Paris and Montmartre, where her fiancé, John, awaits her return. An extremely romantic soul with a love for the arts and a social butterfly, Marion is well aware of the ins and outs of high society and has written under a nickname for ladies' magazines. She is an acquaintance of Freddie's lord-uncle, and apparently, had some mysterious ties to Frederick.

[venoooo]

457 / Inhun hcs <3

(These r set in nosquidgame!au)

- Inho genuinely thinks Gihun is the single most handsome man alive, and he *adores* admiring his face like it's a work of art (it is).

- Inho usually goes to sleep later than Gihun, but not because he's working or is busy. He purposefully stays awake a little later to have time to admire Gihun sleeping.

- If the games didn't exist, Inho would work as a police detective with Junho and Gihun would own a small business.

- If it hadn't been for the games, I hc their meeting would've been due to Gihun visiting the station to file a report on whatever burglar when he sees Inho. They would lock eyes and the attraction would have been immediate and mutual.

- Inho loves black coffee, Gihun prefers tea.

- Without paranoia, Gihun can sleep anywhere in almost any position, as opposed to his boyfriend, Inho, who suffers from insomnia.

- Though he tries to hide it, Gihun finds Inho's bad jokes hilarious.

- Inho gets cold easily, whilst Gihun is usually warm.

- The first people to know of their relationship were Junho and Jungbae, both on accident.

- Junho really likes Gihun as his BIL, because he can tell Inho's never been happier, and that he's genuinely cared for.

- They like to gamble amongst themselves + they play poker together a lot.

- The winning ratio is about 50 / 50.

- Gihun is a sorer loser than Inho.

- Inho has a surprisingly decent singing voice. Gihun found out about this when, one night, after a couple drinks, Inho performed for him.

- Gihun will sometimes just *remember* that he's actually dating Inho, and that he actually gets to kiss him and- holy shit, *he's dating Inho*.

- Gihun loves spicy food and can handle it well. Inho likes it too, but his tolerance for spice is fairly low.

- At one point in their relationship, Inho seriously considered starting to wear tall hats or even chunkier platforms to match Gihun's height.

- When they kiss, Inho doesn't stand on his tippy toes, Gihun tilts his head downward.

- Inho's greatest loss in life was his wife and kid, the second was Gihun's long hair.

- Inho has several moles on his neck, and Gihun likes to kiss and count them (especially at unfortunate times).

- Inho is very fond of Gayeong, and Gayeong likes him a lot too.

- She (Gayeong) knows Inho as one of his dad's "closest friends", but suspects there's something more to their relationship.

- Neither can cook to save their asses.

- Inho probably knows other languages / codes, and he teaches Gihun a few words so he can call him cute names without anyone noticing.

- Sanguine × Choleric temperament 100%

- Gihun is prone to sudden cramping. Like, they'll be walking and suddenly he'll clutch his ankle, crying in agonizing pain. Inho thinks this is hilarious, but would never laugh in his face for it.

- Their lucky numbers are 6, 7 and 8.

- They like cafe dates a lot.

- Gihun likes to take selfies of themselves a lot, but Inho absolutely despises photos.

- Inho gets easily jealous when Gihun talks to other men, while Gihun get's self-conscious when Inho does the same.

- Both are the "13 in 1 soap" typa guys.

- Gihun's stubble is one of the many things that drive Inho absolutely wild.

NSFW hcs?!?!? 🤯

- Inho has a very high libido. This is a result of being under constant stress and years of repressed urges.

- Gihun was a moderate libido, but won't hesitate to reciprocate as soon as Inho initiates.

- There's nothing more satisfying for Inho than 3+ hour long sessions of *making love*. He greatly enjoys foreplay and loves to drag things out as much as possible. Gihun, on the contrary, gets whiny and desesperate.

- Gihun isn't exactly an inexpressive man, but he sure brings out his most responsive side in bed. He's loud and shameless, and the faces he makes are downright obscene.

- This is one of the main reasons why they can't get touchy outside their home.

- Blowing and eating Gihun out is one of Inho's greatest pleasures.

- When Inho gets home from work, all stressed and tired, the first thing he asks of his boyfriend is to please sit on his face.

- Something they both want but would never admit to each other is Gihun wearing lingerie.

- Gihun has naturally well-sculpted thighs, and Inho just *loves* to fuck them.

- One of the things that can get Gihun off almost instantly is getting spanked.

- He also likes being choked and bittten and having his hair pulled.

- Gihun's cock is particularly sensitive. He'll get all swollen and red with the slightest touches, and he leaks *so much* pre.

- It's not so often that Inho likes to boss Gihun around in bed, but when he does, he'll make an absolute *bitch* out of him. So much that Gihun is shaking and limp for the following days.

- Gihun masturbates often, and more than once has Inho walked in on him.

- Inho wants Gihun to cum on his dick and his dick alone. So if Gihun tries to touch himself, he'll either cuff him or just restrain his wrists.

- This isn't my headcanon, but I read on twt (I think), that Gihun is canonically older than Inho (51 and 49). So Inho will be pounding him and suddenly ask "Does it feel good, hyung?" to an incoherent Gihun.

- They love to fuck in the shower.

- What places have they fucked inside their home? More like what places have they *not*.

- Once Gihun wakes up in the middle of a wet dream, he won't ve able to go back to sleep unless he gets off. This is why Inho has woken up to many pleasant surprises.

- One of the things that get Inho really going is hearing Gihun actually *sob* his name while he pounds him.

- Gihun can't really control his spasms once the pleasure starts building up. This results in several scratches down his boyfriend's back (HE LOVES IT).

- Dacryphilic Inho is real.

- Inho is a traditonal man, his favorite positions are missionary and doggy.

- Gihun's are cowboy / reverse cowboy, front face and g-whiz.

[do-androids-dream-ao3acc]

The Day That The World Breaks Down

(Buck/Tommy, 3,329 words, angst – this one's a bit dark)

It rarely happens, especially since Tommy started dating Evan, but occasionally he'll sleep in the hangar's tiny shelter. Today he does, because another very rare thing is going to happen in L.A., at least if the weather services are right: there'll be black ice. An absolute rarity, even in winter – well, „winter“ usually means temperatures below 50°F, not below the freezing point. Today, the city will turn into chaos for sure. 

When he wakes in the morning, the air is freezing cold, feeling strange; not a hint of the usual acrid smog in the back of his throat, simply different. Technically, his shift begins in an hour, but he turns on the radio and is greeted by a flood of messages reporting massive traffic chaos. Black ice in the City of Angels – today they're frosty angels. 

Tommy starts his shift early, and not a moment too soon, because the day begins with a pileup on the I-110. Over the course of the morning, he flies twelve patients to the clinics, which is a lot even for a busy day. Lunch break is mandatory, though he cuts it a bit short. There's still time to check the phone for Evans' daily messages between bites, a sometimes corny but also very sweet habit they picked up after their reconciliation. However, Evan seems more than busy today, too – no new smart facts or good wishes from him. Before Tommy can even start to miss his daily dose of serotonin, he’s up in the air again. 

The sky, which has not really cleared up all day, is already softening its edges to a dark grey as Tommy has the next breather. His phone is still silent. No messages, not even a missed call – he checks the connection, but it's working, despite the blizzard. It’s the first, delicate hint of concern that creeps into his thoughts; yet it’s still possible to push it away. An hour later, he can’t. Because an hour later, Chim calls asking, “Say, is Buck skating on your garden pond?”

“I’m still on shift,” Tommy replies as the vague feeling in his muscles, tense from dozens of flights today, intensifies, “and you know that my garden pond doesn't freeze over, that would be bad for the fish.”

Tommy doesn't have a pond or fish, but Chim, who usually cherishes every joke, no matter how flat, doesn't even chuckle.

“He's not with you then?”

“I thought he was working.”

“We thought so too. He probably took time off at short notice or something.”

That doesn't just sound half-hearted, it doesn't sound like Evan at all.

“Which your captain definitely wouldn't have approved of today.”

“No,” his friend admits, “he should have started two hours ago. Bobby’s furious, but I think he’s masking concern. There’s been a lot of accidents today.“

“You don’t say,” Tommy grits between his teeth. “I don't know how long it's going to take me to get to his place in this traffic.”

Chim sounds hesitant as he goes, “Well, I can tell you he’s not there. We made a small detour.”

Tommy’s heart drops. The 118 is notorious for stretching their responsibilities every now and then, but taking a detour during shift in the middle of the worst traffic chaos in years... 

“What exactly are you not telling me, Howard?”

There’s a pause, filled only with Tommy’s own heartbeat, Chimney's breathing and sirens in the background. Tommy looks at his watch, and then he realizes.

“It's not been two hours. It's been five, hasn't it?”

“His shift should have started at noon,” Chimney confirms. 

Tommy puts him on speaker and starts scrolling his phone. Last night, just before he’d slipped into his temporary harbor bunk bed, they’d texted. Evan's “Sleep well,” accompanied by 💕, has been sitting in his chat history for around 16 hours now. His shift would have started at noon, so he would have left at around 11; upon arriving at the fire station, he’d have texted Tommy, knowing that he would be on a break at the time. Not only did he never arrive at the firehouse, he’s also been missing for about five hours. Five hours. People can bleed out in less than that,  cardiac arrest can lead to death in minutes. A dozen other possible fatal injuries race through Tommy's mind. But of course there could be other, less dramatic reasons why Evan – who can be a slob, but is also surprisingly level-headed in the face of danger – didn't show up for work today. Why he's not answering his phone, not even to Tommy’s tries right now. 

The idea that he’s been stuck in traffic for so many hours, his phone without battery… well, it’s absurd. Evan likes to prepare, to run scenarios in his mind; he’s got an extra battery and a charger in the glove compartment, Tommy knows that.

“Have you checked with the hospitals?” Tommy asks with strained patience. 

He doesn’t want to rely on that idea too much. Him and Maddie are Evan's emergency contacts, and the fact that Chim is only getting in touch now suggests that Maddie doesn't know about it yet. But her husband seems to have run out of options, and the little edge on his voice suggests that he’s worried, too. 

Howard lowers his voice, “We sent out an internal request, but no fire station reported a case with a man matching his description.”

“There are also private ambulances, which make a lot of money in this weather, Howard.”

That comes across as much harsher than intended, causing the very confusing effect of softening Chimney’s voice. 

“He could, of course, have been involved in one of the serious accidents this morning and be lying in a completely overburdened hospital as a John Doe.”

This morning's accidents were horrific. Tommy didn't lose any of the patients he transported, but he knows there have been deaths. He also knows that the situation will get worse again as evening approaches, it never really stopped snowing anyway.

“But you don't believe that,” he says.

“Gut feeling,” Chimney confirms. “Most roads have been cleared, some routes are also closed. But what if someone has gone off the road?”

Evan is not a particularly level-headed driver. And like the vast majority of Southern California's population, he knows not all too much about hydroplaning, let alone has he ever been exposed to black ice. Half an hour ago, Tommy was still in the air, and he saw and heard over the radio that some roads were being provisionally closed off, even though some vehicles were still wedged together on them. From above, that had been a curious view; a morbid junkyard that would come back to life when the wreckers from the north, which they've been waiting for hours for, would clear the way for the tow trucks. First responders would certainly not have overlooked anyone stuck in these vehicles. But a car that has drifted off the asphalt... Tommy suddenly has an idea, it shoots into his brain like a bullet that invigorates instead of kills. 

“Your gut feeling,” he urges Chimney, who’s still on the line as if there weren't plenty to do out there, saving lives, “does it have something to do with the fact that Evan knows all the shortcuts in town?”

“The shortcuts…”

He can almost hear it click in Howard’s brain. Every firefighter knows the shortcuts, secret and not always entirely legal routes to get to the scene of an emergency in a city that is constantly congested. It's as if a map is unfolding in Tommy's brain, a map that marks the route from Evans Loft to the fire station, all the streets, all the alternatives. He’s sure that Howard’s thinking the same, only that his map will be much more earthbound. 

“The eastern part of Mulholland Drive,” Chimney blurts out. 

“Griffith park?”

It's a bit of a detour, but there may not have been an alternative at the time he set off. This part of Mulholland Drive is closed to public traffic, but fire departments use it frequently; it’s as fast as you can get in the Hollywood Hills. 

“When does your shift end?”

“When does yours end?” Chimney asks. “Because even if I convince Bobby of my gut feeling, you'd be faster with...”

“I'm working overtime,” Tommy interrupts him.

He knows it's crazy. Not the fact that he voluntarily extends his shift, that's part of his daily routine, so to speak. But the fact that he abandons all reason, doesn't report to AirOps and just takes off, that's daring at best. Sooner or later he will be contacted by radio, there will be questions, and his fake mouth static probably won’t work another time.  

Tommy doesn’t care. Something has happened, something bad; a situation potentially life threatening, and it’s his job to save lives. Not just any life, this is about Evan. The man who sends him messages at lunchtime and often voicemails when they can’t spend the night together. If they can, he’s the man who will steal Tommy’s best sweater out of his closet in the morning only to replace it with his blue hoodie, a day later, and it will still smell of fabric softener and his aftershave. A man soft to the touch, vulnerable, but extremely tough. That’s a thought Tommy wants to cling to.

It’s dark now, and he has to push away the thought that if his fears are true, Evan has been missing for almost six hours. The blackness of the sky above this city is more of a violet gray, with all the lights, but Tommy sees the world below him in razor-sharp focus. Mulholland Drive winds through the city, with traffic flowing on it to a large extent, but up on the hills it has almost come to a complete stop. The situation was particularly bad up there, and it’s especially difficult to recover the vehicles here. 

He descends, almost grazing the tops of the redwood trees, at least that's how it feels. The world is getting a bit smaller, but not a bit more understandable. There are red, rotating lights flashing somewhere to the south, and Tommy would like to think that Howard has persuaded his captain that there’s an explanation, a dire explanation to Buck's mysterious disappearance. It could be any other fire truck, but it’s the only one currently trying to push its way towards Griffith Park, through stationary traffic and cordoned-off streets. 

They could, of course, be wrong. They could be searching in the wrong part of town, losing valuable time or arriving too late, all based on a gut feeling. Tommy, however, wants this to be right so badly that it feels like manifesting his thoughts. 

He descends even further, now approaching the unpaved sandy path that connects Mt. Hollywood Drive with Mt. Lee Drive, it stands out clearly despite its rather sparse lighting. Then he sees it, and his hand clutches the cyclic so tightly that he’s closer to a crash than ever. 

There's a single vehicle parked crosswise at the side, either out of carelessness or because the road was slippery. Tommy doesn’t feel the slightest relief, even if the car doesn’t seem broken. There are a handful of reasons why Evan, who actually was on his way to work, stopped in the middle of a road he wasn’t even allowed to drive with his private vehicle, and none of them are reassuring. 

Just before landing, Tommy realizes that Evans' car is not the only one out here. To the right and left, the road is sloping, a barely maintained embankment lining the ever steeper curve. At the bottom, far below the road, there’s another car. In the dark, the tracks are barely visible, even with the helicopter's headlights, but a car has gone off the road and is lying upside down there. 

Maybe the driver was right in front of Evan, maybe the secret route isn’t just that secret. The truth is even more tragic, but first, Tommy has to land. He won't really be able to remember later how he ducked under the still-spinning rotor blades, desperate to get closer to the scene. To Evan, who must be somewhere. Evan, who probably just wanted to help, but something must have gone very, very wrong. 

Tommy shines his flashlight down, but it's hard to see anything. The snowfall has increased, thick flakes are dancing in the light. It is the most absurd of all possible weather conditions in a city full of tanned people, and all he can think of is that Evan doesn’t own a winter jacket. Well, most people in L.A. probably don’t. The only consolation is that it takes hours for a human to freeze to death. Tommy shakes his head to clear his thoughts. 

“Evan,” he calls, pointing the flashlight in the direction of the overturned car, but there’s no response. 

It's a steep descent, and Tommy hesitates, if only briefly. It would be sensible to wait for the fire engine, whose sirens he can already hear approaching, but they’re still too far away. It would be sensible to reach for the radio, give his location and ask for help. But this is not about reason, it’s about Evan. 

Tucking the flashlight between his teeth, Tommy digs his heels into the frost-covered slope and prays that his numb hands will find a hold. He crawls, slides and climbs downward inch by inch, listening intently, hoping. But apart from a few distant crows, which seem like an evil omen, and the sirens in the background, everything is quiet. As still as the grave; a thought that creeps in and must be suppressed. Instead, Tommy simply forces his mind to think of nothing at all, only of the next step. 

Somehow, sometime, he reaches the ground, still frozen, no thaw in sight. It might be the biggest weather-related disaster to hit the region in many years, with the number of casualties approaching those of the tsunami. Was Evan scared when he climbed down here – because that must be what he did? All this snow and ice, nothing but frozen water, and Tommy sees Evans gaze when they walk along the ocean. There’s respect in his eyes, as blue as the sea, checking the level of the waves, just to be safe. 

He thinks he hears a noise, and although his feet can barely find a grip on the slippery, uneven ground, he rushes towards the car. 

“Help!”

The voice is weak, and it's not Evan; it's a woman, and she's inside the car. It’s toppled on its roof, dented by the weight of the vehicle, and a young woman is trapped inside, strapped in her seat belt. The blood on her forehead has obviously dried up long ago, ice crystals are clinging to it. 

“Hey,” says Tommy, as he squats his body to peer through the window that has been torn out by the impact. “I'm Tommy, I'm a firefighter. Who are you?”

The woman, one of those well-trained blondes of whom there is no shortage in L.A., looks at him in amazement, but she answers immediately. 

“That's funny,” she says in a shaky voice. ‘I'm Tammy.”

Tommy smiles wryly, “Yes, that is funny,” he replies. “What happened here?”

“The road was slippery, the car somersaulted... and before I knew it, I was hanging upside down with no chance to free myself. Hey, are you really a firefighter?”

Talking seems to have invigorated Tammy somehow, and Tommy thinks that she probably does a lot of exercise – because that, combined with her young age, has ensured that she has been able to hold out for so long without her circulation failing. 

“I am,” he confirms, “even if my shift is just over.”

“Funny,” she says again, “that's what the other guy said. No, wait, he said his shift was about to start.”

Suddenly, she seems restless, just like Tommy, albeit for a different reason; turns out the reason is, actually, the same.

“I've lost all sense of time. But...  but the other man, he also said he was a firefighter.”

“Where did he go?” Tommy urges. 

“He said he wanted to help me, that he could help me, that he just had to... something about the center of gravity? I'm... I'm afraid I haven't heard from him in ages! Oh my God!”

Tammy's eyes widen, and now she starts to tremble. She’s been trapped in her seat for hours, upside down, and has bravely endured it; but now that help is within reach, her body seems to realize it for the first time. 

“You’re gonna be alright,” says Tommy, reaching out and placing his hand on her trembling arm, which has been clinging to the seat belt for hours as well. “Just hold on a little longer, okay? Do you hear the sirens?”

“Sirens?”

Tammy listens, her brows knit in concentration, but then her lips twist into something resembling a smile. There’s no ignoring it now, there’s a fire engine on the road above them, and they will have to stop on the middle of it, because there’s Tommy’s helicopter blocking the street. 

“Can you look for the other firefighter?” Tammy asks him. “He said he wanted to tell this story to his boyfriend later. I want him to be able to do that. Please.”

Tommy wants that too, but he's not saying it out loud. Why would Evan mention the center of gravity? Tommy makes a guess, a wild assumption, and he comes very close to the truth he will learn much later. Tammy's car hadn't gone down completely, at least not at first. At first, her car was hanging off a rocky ledge, a freak of nature that had cushioned her fall. That was where Evan found her, where he tried to calm her down and explained that he was going to stabilize the car before he could get her out. It was risky, but not impossible, and maybe it would have worked, but nature's whimsy chose that very moment to give way. The ledge crumbled, the car toppled, and Tammy lost consciousness and a few precious minutes of her memory. 

Tommy’s guess is close enough. He stumbles around the car, supporting his shaky knees on the scratched and dented chassis, and finally gets hold of the bonnet. The car crashed and Evan landed underneath it. That’s the plain fact of the matter, but that doesn't help Tommy. 

Is he calling his name? Maybe, but maybe it's just a hoarse sound in his throat. Tommy drops to his knees and realizes that the car didn't fall entirely on Evan, that he's not completely buried under the hood. Yet he’s been lying here for hours, with nothing but frost under his back and tons of steel above him. Tommy's fingers tremble as he puts them on Evans's carotid artery, he hardly dares look at his closed eyelids, his pale face. 

There’s a pulse, like a faint flapping of a particular delicate bird. But just like the woman in the car, Evan is not that delicate, he’s tough. He can make it, he must. 

“LAFD! Anybody down there?”

The voice echoes somewhere above him, but Tommy has no strength to answer; all his strength is currently in the thought that Evan is still alive and that he has to keep him alive. He shines his flashlight up, in the direction of the street, swinging it in a way that the men up there will recognize. Then he strokes Evans forehead, which feels cold and clammy, and whispers, “You’ll be fine soon, you'll see.” 

That's a slight exaggeration. A few hours later, Tommy’s listening to the monitors beeping, holding Evan’s hand, and it’s almost true. He will be fine, again, some day, and he’ll open his eyes, and Tommy will tell him a crazy story of the day that the world broke down. His world, at least. 

Some day. 

[AO3 version]

[sugolara]

𝐖𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐓𝐨 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝

Feat. Katsuki Bakugo, Shoto Todoroki, Izuku Midoriya x fem! reader

An ongoing series.

Synopsis: After a deadly virus leaks all over the world, every country is forced to close down its borders and airports to prevent anyone from coming in and out. Though, it's too late for some people. The dead have risen and are looking for revenge.

Cw: gore, quirkless! au, apocalypse! au, zombie! au, weapons, death, heavy angst, lots and lots of blood, cannibalism, suicidal thoughts, updates thursday/sunday, slow burn, wd: 1k - 5k, its a quirkless! au, so u.a is a  private high school with general education along with classes that have hands-on experience; like a trade school.

✓ HEAVILY EDITED: s1 - s5 has been heavily edited as of 7/15/24 - 9/16/24, s6 - s9 has finally been edited as of 9/16/24 - 11/22/23, so a few things may not make sense if you are re-reading or the comments do not make sense.

Inspired by, ''The Walking Dead''

Table of contents:

Season 1: The beginning of us. Episode 1: Begin Episode 2: Not alone Episode 3: Gone but not forgotten Episode 4: You belong in this world Episode 5: Because all life is precious Episode 6: Musutafu, we'll meet again Episode 7: Izuku: I'd always thought there be more time

Season 2: The setting I lived for. Episode 8: During these two weeks Episode 9: Diopside, like your eyes Episode 10: For the first time in a long time Episode 11: Determined to survive, stay alive Episode 12: Imperturbable Episode 13: Almost complete Episode 14: Katsuki: You are going to beat this world

Season 3: The completion of us. Episode 15: Away with you Episode 16: Three months ago Episode 17: Disappear Episode 18: Thin ice Episode 19: Nothing else to lose Episode 20: My savior Episode 21: Shoto: Everything you would be will be gone

Season 4: The torture realization. Episode 22: Trouble Episode 23: For however long that'll be Episode 24: The fallen city Episode 25: Stay who you are Episode 26: Here with you Episode 27: All together Episode 28: F/n: A soul yet to be mourn

Season 5: The dawn to you. Episode 29: Back on road Episode 30: Lost Episode 31: Safe in your arms Episode 32: And so it begins Episode 33: At stake Episode 34: To be forgiven Episode 35: Familiar face

Season 6: The journey to you. Episode 36: Solace Episode 37: A stab through my ticker Episode 38: Never to easy Episode 39: To good for death Episode 40: Dreams of my hateful memories Episode 41: A stroke of luck Episode 42: Be aware Episode 43: Bait Episode 44: A thump in my heart Episode 45: Belong to me Episode 46: One step closer (Towards you)

Season 7: The ache in my heart. Episode 47: Sorston Episode 48: Bitter tenderness Episode 49: Here to stay Episode 50: The start Episode 51: Powder Episode 52: Good morning and goodbye Episode 53: For they may be my last Episode 54: An end to sorrow, grief & regret Episode 55: Even when I'm sleeping Episode 56: Reporting to duty Episode 57: I dream of you like I'm afraid tomorrow will be the last I see you

Season 8: The beauty of choice. Episode 58: Not who you were Episode 59: Just you, me and the others Episode 60: The Plaza Episode 61: The other side Episode 62: To be ready Episode 63: You're here Episode 64: My dear Episode 65: Secrets you'll soon share Episode 66: Discard me Episode 67: To wish you well Episode 68: For as long as we live Episode 69: Like a flower I bloom and then later fade away

Season 9: The missing. Episode 70: I'll see you in a while Episode 71: So wait for me Episode 72: Hushed secrets Episode 73: I wanna get it through to you Episode 74: It won't be long Episode 75: My heart echoes Episode 76: Amend Episode 77: Consumed in dark Episode 78: When you wake up, you'll remember this, I promise you Episode 79: Just a little longer Episode 80: Last man standing

Season 10: The end of us. Episode 81: The day came in which you left me Episode 82: And all I have is nothing but memories of you Episode 83: While I pass these lonely hours listen to my lullaby Episode 84: Flurry night Episode 85: Pang Episode 86: Keep you close

To be continued...

Playlist!

Space junk - Wang Chung Wolf - First Aid Kit Into The Black - Chromatics My Life In Rewind Run Boy Run - Woodkid Bad Before Good - Day One You're so Cool - Jonathon Bree So Bored - Gorgeous Bully Operations - Duster Civilian - Wye Oak Can't Stop - Red Hot Chili Peppers Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N' Roses Skyfall - Adele Up the wolves - The Mountains Goats Be Gone Dull Cage - Kiev Into Dust - Mazzy Star Tomorrow Is a Long Time - Bob Dylan Poison Tree - Grouper Rhymes Of An Hour - Mazzy Star You Are The Wilderness - Voxhaul Broadcast Running - Delta Spirit People, Turn Around - Delta Spirit The Lion's Roar - First Aid Kit Pain - Boy Harsher Setup - Favored Nations This Old Death - Ben Nichols Revolution - Red Shahan Mr. Splitfoot - Paris Motel The Man Who Sold The World - Nirvana Beautiful Mess - Balian The Day The World Went Away - Nine Inch Nails Empty Words - Bowery Electric No Longer Making Time - Slowdive Hush - Trills Struggling Man - Emily Kinney The Last Pale Light In the West - Ben Nichols Blackbird Song - Lee Dewyze Step Away From the Cliff - Blue-Eyed Son Take Care (To Comb Your Hair) - Ty Segall Paradise - Silverberg No Peace At All - Aldous Harding Glad I Had a Friend - Galt MacDermot Machine Gun - Portishead Shadows of Planes - Duster Save Us from Ourselves - Digital Daggers Salt in the Wound - Delta Spirit I'm No Heroine - Emily Wells It's All Right - Sam Cooke To Build A Home - The Cinematic 6 Underground - Sneaker Pimps Edge Of The World- Dayshell Bye Bye Bye - School of Seven Bells You Are Not Alone - Mavis Staples Welcome - Harmonia & Eno '76 Hope We Can Again - Nine Inch Nails outside - Oneheart sleepless - Odyzon Arsonist's Lullabye - Hozier It's All Over - Johnny Cash The Stars Just Blink for Us - Say Hi Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division Knockin' On Heaven's Door - Guns N' Roses Runnin' Down A Dream - Tom Petty Fly Like An Eagle - Steve Miller Band Alesund - Sun Kil Moon Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd Wicked Game - Chris Isaak 1908 - Repulsive Rule of Rose OST - Playing Airship I Shall Cross This River - The Black Atlantic Easy Way Out - Low Roar Don Abandons Alice - John Murphy Wherever You Are - Ulrich Schnauss Waitin' Around to Die - Townes Van Zandt Hope Prevails - Jesper Kyd Take Me Home - Lazyroom A Song For You - Leon Russell

taglist: @mikeyswifie @k0z3me @sky-angel101 @stevenknightmarc @nahwajinswhore @mn-0p @a-helen113 @azrral @mary-jinx @chixkadee @flowers-4-you @im-the-groot @v3n7s @karishaetheblog

[wcters]

𝗣𝗔𝗦𝗦𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗦

pairing: nate fick x fem!reader

word count: 1.4k+

summary: you and nate hated not being able to act like a couple sometimes, but you never broke the rules . . . at least you tried not to

warnings: established relationship, angst, weapons, swearing, sexual innuendos, some outdated wording, war, war language, wounds, blood, violence, etc | this is based on the fictional characters from the series generation kill, not the actual war veterans. this is no way intended to hurt or disrespect the veterans

You knew what you were signing up for when you joined the marines: stress, rough work, misogyny, mostly men, and passing moments.

You had met Nate Fick when you were a teenager. You had met in high school through mutual friends and you had clicked. Soon enough he got the courage to ask you out and it's been the same ever since. You'd been through everything together. You'd graduated together, you moved with him to Dartmouth College, and signed up for the marines together. Seemed fit that you were stationed together.

You felt good knowing you were fighting for a good cause, but you never thought it would be this hard. Yes, you see and work with him everyday, but you don't get to kiss him, hug him - even hold his hand. Sometimes, when you both managed to sneak away, you'd get some time to catch up and act like a couple, but after that it's back to coworkers. You hated that, but you never broke the rules.

The sound of the Humvee's engine lulled you into a sense of calm. It never really was calm, but it did feel nice being in the one place you recognized. Ray was rambling about something stupid while Brad looked like he was just about ready to shoot him. Trombley was with the gun, probably tired of Ray's rambling too, and the reporter was asleep beside you.

"How much ripped fuel have you ingested?" Brad's voice broke you from your trance. You snorted, "too much. He's going to be shorting out pills." Ray laughed, lack of sleep clear, "I'm on it like a motherfucker Brad! At this point, I think my whole stomach is those fucking pills!" You looked to Evan and rolled your eyes. "No more of that shit." Brad told Ray. "Yeah, you'll overdose. Even though that would be great, we need a driver."

Ray started ranting again while you got into the least neck-breaking position you could and tired to fall asleep. You had gotten used to his insane rambles and it lulled you to sleep.

When you finally work up, the sun was out and you were still in the vehicle. "Y/n, you're finally awake after 50 fucking hours." Brad said as he saw you sit up. "Damn, I thought you were dead. I wanted to put Rudy in your place so I could see his beautiful gay face every time I looked back there instead of your hideous one." Ray added, looking at you through the mirror.

“Hideous? Wow Ray, that's a big word. I didn't know you knew words like that, let alone speak anything other than the simplest terms out there." Before he could rebuttal, Brad was on the radio. "Hitman Two, this is Two One. Do you want my victor to provide overwatch on the northeast corner of the M.S.R?" "Roger that. This is Hitman Two. All Hitman Victors align of Two One." Nate's  voice was heard through the radio and you smiled when you heard it.

“We're not done this conversation you bitch." Ray pointed at your reflection. You just posted back.

Your Humvee pulled into the group of cars and it stopped. You opened the door and got out, stretching your arms and legs as you did so. You had seen Nate when you passed by so you made it your mission to find him. Right when you got close, you heard the sound of tires on cement. You turned your head towards the sound and saw two white trucks coming towards you.

“Sir, I observe men with A.K.S. They're in the lead vehicle." Rudy explained as you leaned down with your gun out. "Hitman, this is Hitman Two. We have two victors with armed Iraqis approaching. How copy?" Nate spoke into the radio. "Hitman, solid copy." "Hitman, I am seeing armed Iraqis in civilian clothes in white pickups marked with red diamonds."

“We should smoke 'em, sir!" Someone called out from behind you. You did a slight chuckle. Only a marine would be this desperate. "Hitman Two, this is Hitman. Interrogative. Can you . . . Can you wave them off? Over." A voice replied back. You looked to Rudy in front of you and raised your eyebrow. He did the same. "Hitman, this is Two. These are armed Iraqis in marked Victors with weapons pointed at us. Over." Nate was persistent with what he was saying and probably thought the same thing as you and everyone else did.

“R.O.E. States uniformed soldiers only, and they should be firing at us." This time, you turned back around to look at Nate and made eye contact with him. "This is Two. I'm requesting to at least snatch one victor, find out who these guys are. Over." "Negative. Wave 'em off." "Hitman out."

A couple of voices rang out saying things like "this sucks!" and "what the fuck?" until it was silenced with the sound of A.K going off. You stayed still while the marines shot at them while they drove off, and didn't realize anything was wrong until there was a hand on your shoulder. "You okay, y/n? You haven't moved." Right when you turned to face Nate you felt the pain in your side and groaned. You dropped your gun on the ground and instinctively put your hand to you side, then pulled it off. Red.

Nate must've realized this too as he caught you before you fell backwards. He sat down and pulled your head into his lap, his hand going to where your bullet hole was. "Corpsman! Shit, shit, shit. Corpsman!" You moaned in pain as he hand pressed harder and his yelling caused a headache. "I know honey, I know it hurts." You mumbled out a Nate as you started getting delirious. He slapped you cheek lightly to keep you awake. When your vision was clear for a couple seconds, you saw Doc Bryan.

“Hey y/n. You doing okay?" He asked as he grabbed a bandage from his bag. "Great." You joked with slurred speech. That was the last thing you said before you passed out. While you were out, Nate was worried. Probably the most anxious he had been in his entire life, but he managed to compose himself and lead his group. He watched as you were taken away in a stretcher to the Doc's Humvee.

Nate didn't see or hear from you again for a week or two, which felt like forever. He hated not knowing how you were. Doc Bryan had assured him that you would be fine, that it wasn't too bad, but Nate being your boyfriend worried no matter what the man said.

He was sitting and talking to Brad while the mail had finally arrived. He didn't really expect anything, and was surprised when one was dropped on his lap. He picked it up and noticed the handwriting on the front. It was yours.

"Y/n?" Brad asked him. "Yeah. At least I think so. That's her handwriting." Nate replied. Brad patted him on the back and got up. "Well, if you right her back let her know we miss her. And that we need her back to get Ray to shut the fuck up." Nate laughed at that and began to open the letter.

"Dear Nathan,

It's me. I think you would've figured that out from the handwriting on the front. Sorry I couldn't write you sooner, I've been in the hospital and haven't been able to get stamps. I'm doing good. It hurts, but doesn't hurt more than being away from your stupid face.

As much as I hate to say it, I miss Ray's stupid rambling about how pussy would solve the war and Brad's hate for country music. Hope they're doing well, and hope Brad can get Ray to shut the fuck up.

I also hate to say I miss out passing moments. They kept me sane out there. They were what I was waiting for everyday. I miss your touch, your smell, your face.

I've been wearing your shirts to bed. They still smell like you, without sweat and dirt. It feels weird being home, especially without you. I've been keeping up with the news and it's sounding like it'll end in the next couple months. I don't think I'll be able to come back. I'll keep writing you though, and when you get internet, maybe send you something else.

Don't let your hair out too long, and don't get shot. Who else is going to keep those stupid fucknuts in line.

Love you,

Y/n.”

He smiled and closed the letter, shoving it in his pocket. God he couldn't wait to see you, in real life, or in a picture that he would make good use of.

[skyloftian-nutcase]

@kikker-oma Have a little hurt/comfort/fluff(ish) Healthcare snippet to help you get through being sick. I hope you feel better soon! ❤️ (@hermitdrabbles56 come get your healthcare au soup 😂👍🏻)

Legend wasn’t the best at emotional support and care, and he’d be he first one to admit it. But he also knew when to recognize that a situation was rough and when someone would probably need help through it. The matter was what was he supposed to do.

When Hyrule walked briskly into the emergency department, blood trailing up his arms and seeping into parts of his clothes, hair a frizzy mess, Mo equally disheveled, and a firefighter Legend didn’t know at his side… he knew it was bad. He’d known it was bad based on the incoming report.

The trauma room had been packed, as it always was for alpha alerts. Voices layered over each other as they worked to transfer the patient to the bed from the stretcher. Machines beeped as devices were unhooked and reattached. The emergency attending called for silence so Hyrule could give his report.

“Unknown age male, approximately in his 20s, found down on a back road. He’s been unresponsive for us the entire time. He’s got a ton of bleeding from the back of his head and it feels depressed in the back, unequal and soft, likely has a skull fracture. Pupils unequal, right side larger than the left, but both reactive. No step off or anything palpating c-spine, flail chest with deformity on the left side, large laceration on the left arm that we’ve got wrapped, and just road rash all over. We don’t know if it was a hit and run or what the deal was. He was originally 88/50, and tachycardic in the 130s, SpO2 in the 80s. We intubated him with a 7.0, it’s 20… something—um, 22 at the teeth. Lots of blood in the airway that we are clearing out. He’s got two bilateral 16G IVs, we gave him 1.5L normal saline, he’s gotten TXA as well. His BP improved to 108/74, was the last one we got. He’s been sating in the 90s since we got the tube in. I don’t have a medical history or anything, no witnesses to what happened.”

As soon as Hyrule had finished, other providers were calling out findings. Legend noted out loud when vitals were dropping again. The emergency nurse glanced at Hyrule as he walked away and saw the medic belatedly realize just how much blood he’d gotten on himself. Mo was already washing his own hands at the nearest sink.

He barely had time to even consider saying anything to the kid, but he certainly didn’t have time to talk to him right now. So he made a note for later as Time talked to the emergency physician and they prepared to go to CT.

Hours later, Legend sat down in the locker room, exhausted, and grabbed his phone.

Hey Rulie, wanna hang out?

He didn’t know Mo that well, but he knew Hyrule. He knew that medic didn’t really hang out with anyone who he didn’t know from work, which meant his circle of friends—though expanding since they’d recently met some new people—was fairly limited. And he’d never heard of the teenager mention family. Four was working a day shift today, Time was still in surgery, and Warriors was coming in to work today as well. Wind was in school, and Wild was out sick with Twilight holding him hostage so he rested. Legend didn’t know what Sky was doing—he disappeared off the face of the planet sometimes, it was a little disconcerting—so he couldn’t rely on him. Which was unfortunate because Sky (and Twilight, Legend was discovering) was fairly emotionally supportive.

Which meant it was up to him.

I’m not built for this, he grumbled in his head, but his worry for his friend far outweighed any awkwardness and anxiety on the matter.

When he didn’t get an immediate reply, he started wondering if Hyrule had just gone home and gone to sleep. A part of him was relieved and a part still worried. By the time he got to his car, though, a text popped up on his screen.

Hang out? Didn’t you just get off work?

So he was awake. Legend’s fingers moved quickly. I mean we don’t have to now but like in general. Later today?

Sure

Perfect. This was going to be fine. Yeah. Legend could offer support. He could, thank you very much.

Six hours later, he groaned as his alarm went off, and his confidence and concern on the matter were far lower than earlier.

Maybe we can hang out tomorrow, he thought as an exhaustion headache thrummed against his skull. But when he grabbed his phone, Hyrule had already texted him.

I was thinking we could go hiking! There’s a trail where we can watch the sunset.

Ah. Well, now he was committed and his friend was excited. He definitely wasn’t delaying this.

Except it was butt cold outside, he discovered to his dismay as he wrapped himself in several layers of jackets.

Be a supportive friend, yeah, it would be great, terrific, wonderful, WHY IS THE WIND BLOWING IT’S COLD ENOUGH—

Legend nearly scampered to the safety of his car, the bitter wind held at bay, and then yelled at how frozen the seats felt. “Damn it all, why is—what the hell made Hyrule think today was a good day to hike?!”

After too short a time to warm the car up, he finally met Hyrule at the designated spot at the edge of town.

“Why the hell are you biking here?” He exclaimed as he rolled his window down. Hyrule, cheeks flushed and smile bright, jogged over and slid into the car from where he’d locked his bike at a post. “It’s eighty thousand degrees below zero out there!”

Hyrule sniffled with a chuckle. “It’s not that bad. Was your last travel assignment at a beach or something?”

“No, it was somewhere where people didn’t hike just as winter’s moving in,” Legend fired back irritably before remembering he was supposed to be helping right now.

Well, you know what, being here is helping. So there.

He needed to drink more of his energy drink.

Legend’s next great discovery was that the hiking trail in question was blessedly short, much to his relief, but made up for its lack of mileage in a steep gradient that was fairly equivalent to rock climbing.

“You said hiking, not mountaineering,” he noted as he crawled on all fours to get over some rocks on the trail.

“Don’t worry, this means we’re almost at the top!”

Hyrule was correct in his assessment, allowing Legend to finally catch his breath and to freeze in place at the view.

The valley was littered with color, duller now that winter was beginning its long hold on the land, but notable nonetheless. Browns, oranges, yellows, reds, greens all intermingled like paint mixed on a canvas, contrasted against an autumn blue sky, which was slowly staining gold and crimson with the oncoming descent of the sun.

“It’s nice, right?” Hyrule prompted as he glanced at his friend.

“Yeah,” Legend had to agree quietly. Then he remembered his purpose for this outing and felt his stomach twist. “So I got blankets and food and stuff, let’s sit down and chill.”

Hyrule cheerily agreed, and the pair settled with their feet hanging over the rocky edge of the mountain. The wind was still stupidly cold, but now Legend had blankets wrapped around him, and he was already warmed up from the exertion.

“Hey, so…”—great heavens above he sucked at this—“Um. About that call last night. You… uh, you wanna talk about it?”

“What was the verdict?” Hyrule asked. “He still alive?”

“He was when I left, though I doubt it’ll last. Massive head bleed and skull fragments in the brain. Anything he could break was broken in some way or another.”

Hyrule hummed. “Figured.”

“They found out how it happened, though,” Legend noted.

“Was it a hit and run?”

“Nope. Alcohol in his system, dude was having an argument with whoever was driving, they were going 55mph and this guy decided he was going to end the argument but stepping out of the vehicle while it was going that fast.”

Hyrule stared. “He… did that to himself? And not SI, just like straight up—wow. We sure there weren’t drugs involved too?”

“Tox screen was negative for everything except EtOH.”

Hyrule huffed, leaning back and looking out again. “Wow.”

“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes,” Legend muttered, glaring at the scenery. The careless idiocy of the maneuver still got under his skin. They’d all worked damn hard to keep that moron alive.

And that’s what he was. A moron. Because life was precious and he’d literally tossed his out the window because of poor choices.

And now they had to pick up the pieces.

“So… you good?” Legend glanced hesitantly to his right. “I mean… that was a lot. Even in the hospital. I can’t imagine being the one scraping him off the pavement.”

Hyrule chuckled nervously now, shifting in place. “I mean, it was… a mess but yeah. I’m ok.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Great.”

The wind blew again, and Legend didn’t feel it, turning sharply to face his friend. “Okay but most people aren’t okay after that.”

Hyrule scrunched his nose. “Are you okay?”

“This isn’t about me!”

“You seem like you’re not okay.”

“Rulie for the love of G—”

“Hey, you said to Sky you wouldn’t swear like that.”

“Fine, for the love of all things holy, you can just not be okay with me!” Legend continued, waving his arm in a frustrated manner. Because he was frustrated, he was tired of everyone having to be okay with what they saw and dealt with, he was tired of the taboo behind being hurt and affected.

He wasn’t that affected by it, but people usually were!

“You want… me to be not okay with you…?” Hyrule repeated, clearly confused.

Damn it all he sucked at this.

Legend took a steadying breath, rubbing his face. “I want. You. To be okay. With not being okay. That call freaking sucked.”

Hyrule was silent for a long time after that, and Legend was again wondering why he’d thought any of this was a good idea. He took a swig out of his energy drink and looked away awkwardly.

“Do you ever wonder if it’s worth it?”

Legend glanced over at his friend to see him staring out at the valley below, eyes distant, shoulders slumped. The nurse sat up straighter, choosing his words carefully. “If what’s worth it?”

“All the effort we put into it. Like… we all knew that guy wasn’t going to make it.”

“He… might…” Legend lied helplessly.

Hyrule continued to look at the scenery before huffing and smiling. He closed his eyes, bowing his hand and leaning forward with his hands on his knees.

Legend reached out hesitantly, settling a hand on the teenager’s shoulder. Hyrule let out a shuddering sigh, and Legend squeezed his hand in support.

“It’s always worth it for the chance that they do,” Hyrule said softly. “But yeah… that call sucked.”

Legend bit his lip and nodded, offering silent support as the two huddled close against the wind. No more words were exchanged for the hour that they stayed there. No words were needed. But when Legend finally felt too frozen solid to sit there any longer, the gentle peace was finally broken.

“Okay, now you get to carry me down because my knees aren’t tolerating that rock climbing shit.”

Hyrule laughed, bubbly and joyful and free, face more radiant than the sunset, and Legend smiled.

They’d be alright.

[kangals]

kep report card, month 3! wild to think he's been with me for 3 months already:

food (drive, appetite, sensitivity): 🟢/🟡 eating 2200+ calories a day like a fucking maniac. is getting very annoying about countersurfing.

leash walking: 🟢 still doing really well, pulls a bit sometimes but re-adjusts with enough reminders

sleeping: 🟢 - tentatively giving this one a green, he seems to be doing better during the day about settling (even if he does nap very lightly). still great overnight.

crating: 🟢/🔴 - leaving this as is bc i haven't re-visited it. great at night, presumably still shit during the day but he'll get his big boy crate in next week and we'll re-visit how he does during the day.

potty training: 🟡 can hold it 10 hours overnight, 5-6 hours during the day no problem - EXCEPT in my living room. the ONLY potties inside in the last 2 months have been in my goddamn living room. i am getting ready to just rip out my entire rug until he gets the hell over it. annoying as fuck.

general training: 🟢 mensa student. too bad i suck.

manners: 🟡 countersurfs incessantly

grooming: 🟢/🟡 as long as there's food, he's good for whatever.

cars: 🟢 rides quietly and calmly

outings/socialization: 🟢 loves a good adventure

other dogs: 🟡 finally seems to have gotten over his urge to maul stellina, they play very nicely now and he rarely needs correction. did try to hump once or twice but stopped immediately when i scolded him. very friendly with other dogs, still barky and over-focused onthem but typical for a herding puppy.

other people: 🟢 BEFRIEND THE KEPPY

small animals: 🟢 polite with butters, chases but doesn't obsess over backyard critters and bugs

overall he's still a 🟢, and frankly if he could control himself in my fucking living room and countersurf like, 50% less i'd call him perfect. we'll be re-integrating the crate during the day now that the weather's heating up, we'll see how it goes - he will willingly nap in stellina's, and he's better about sleeping during the day, so hopefully he's not too obnoxious. as soon as he's housebroken and stops taking everything off of my counters he's fine to free roam, so this is on him at this point. will adolescence turn him into a little demon? find out next time!

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Daughter of the Rain and Snow

Concept: Around ten years after the events of Crooked Kingdom, 25-year-old Captain Inej Ghafa frees Maya Olsen from a pleasure house in Ketterdam. Maya is looking for revenge against the man who put her in her position, a man who she knows nothing about except his name: Kaz Brekker.

Tags: @wraith--2 @lunarthecorvus @just2bubbly @real-fragments7 @cartoon-clifford @origami-butterfly @lady-a-stuff @thelibraryofalexandriastillburns @inej-ghafa-deserves-the-world @thatdelusionalnerd

If anyone wants to be added let me know :)

Content Warnings: in more general terms I want to remind people to be aware of the nature of Kaz and Inej's experiences and relationship since even if I'm not directly addressing these things they tend to be implicit in any writing about them, but specifically to this chapter there's ptsd references, anxiety, violence references, blood, wounds, and fear of losing loved ones

Note: Oh my goodness we only have the epilogue left to go... this is insane I can't believe we've reached the end

AO3 link: Daughter of the Rain and Snow - Chapter 145 - She_posts_nerdy_stuff - Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo [Archive of Our Own]

Chapter 144 - Kaz

At least the Crow Club was back in working order. Beyond that things weren’t looking at their best. Kaz knew from Anika and Pim’s reports that the damage was mostly repaired and they’d reopened the closed wing a few months ago, but he also knew from the income reports Yara had been sending him  that they’d taken a hit. Her projections looked sunnier for next month, but Kaz wasn’t feeling particularly confident. There was a nervous energy about the Slat when he walked in, still as rowdy as it usually was in these early hours of the morning but with a slightly frantic edge. Kaz had known his extended absence would take a toll, but he’d tried to keep in control of what he could. 

“I assume there are rumours going round about -”

“Your mysterious disappearance? Yeah,” said Anika, “We’re treading water trynna cover up for you being missing,”

“Anyone get wise?”

“To the fact you weren’t here or to what you were actually up to?”

Kaz shot her an unamused glare. Clearly he needed to stop telling Anika up to 50% of the truth, because she was getting too good at picking up what the rest of it was. 

“I don’t think so,” she said, “Not with any proof you weren’t around. Few people here and there are convinced you’re dead,”

That didn’t particularly surprise him.

“Any attempts at territory grabs since you last wrote?”

“Liddies are still riled up, but nothing new except a pretty hollow looking threat from Black Tips,”

Kaz sighed. They weren’t staying in Ketterdam for long, he’d have to get through work quickly and make a few choice appearances if he could spare the time.

As far as Kaz and Inej knew, the plan was for them to drop in on Jesper and Wylan for the afternoon, then go to the house overnight whilst Nina stayed on the Geldstradt. They didn’t have the space to have her at the house by the harbour - especially when Alyssa was staying with them too - and anyway she would only be kept up all night by Sadja. But apparently Jesper and Wylan had other plans, as soon as they were through the door it was all but a demand they at least stay there the first night. They’d even set up a room for Alyssa upstairs, so she was close if Inej or Sadja needed her.

“How are you feeling?” Kaz had asked, watching Inej’s hand find the railing on the porch of the Hendriks house.

“I’m fine,”

Kaz shook his head, looking down at Sadja.

“Once you can talk I’m going to teach you to shout at your Mama every time she says that,” he told her, gently readjusting the sling in hopes of helping her settle.

Nina laughed.

Sadja had done well on the boat, Kaz thought, for a stubborn two month old who had never travelled further than the Grand Palace until a couple of weeks ago, but she hadn’t slept well last night and still didn’t seem to be interested in sleeping now.

“Kaz, really,” said Inej, shaking her head, “I’m okay. I’m just tired,”

Kaz nodded, but he and Nina had shared a brief glance. Inej rang the doorbell and Sadja immediately jutted out her bottom lip in indignation; for a moment Kaz thought she was going to cry but she settled again, still looking a little grumpy. He readjusted his cane so that he could remain balanced whilst he offered her his finger, and once she’d acknowledged it he gently rubbed his hand up and down her tiny tummy.

“Do you not like doorbells, Sadja?”

“I think it’s quite normal for babies not to like loud noises, Kaz,” said Nina, peering over the sling, “You’re okay, aren’t you Sadja? You’re a brave little muffin,”

“Brave little muffin?” asked Kaz.

“Hey, that is just about the highest compliment I’ve ever given anyone,”

“Well, you are brave aren’t you Sadja? You’re just like your Mama,”

She wriggled a little in the sling, as though she was trying to look up at him properly, and smiled. Kaz glowed. 

The door had barely been opened when they were met by the practically shouted words:

“Where’s my niece?”

“Well, hello to you too, Jesper,” said Inej, sharing his soft laugh.

She leaned into the arm he offered and he kissed her on the cheek, ushering her over the doorstep. Kaz followed, nodding at Jesper.

“Saints, I’ve missed you,” said Jesper, hugging Inej again.

“Oh, I’ve missed you too,”

Nina cleared her throat, glaring teasingly at Jesper. He threw an arm around her shoulders.

“I’ve missed you too, darling, obviously. And I guess I missed you Kaz,”

“Always with the compliments,”

Where’s Wylan?” asked Inej.

“Couldn’t get out of a meeting,” Jesper replied, shaking his head, “He won’t be long. Now, where’s this little Sadja you’ve been withholding from me?”

“Withholding-? She’s only been alive two months - and you were in Novyi Zem for one and a half of them,”

“Withholding,” Jesper repeated

Inej laughed. Kaz gently scooped Sadja out of her sling and into his arms, rocking her for a moment before he passed her to Inej so Jesper could lean over and greet her. He looked like he was about to burst with glee.

“Oh my goodness, you two she’s so beautiful. Aren’t you? Yes you are, yes you are,”

Jesper looked up at Kaz and Inej, grinning.

“She’s wonderful,”

“She most certainly is,” Kaz smiled, pushing the door to behind him before they walked together towards the living room, “It’s good to see you, Jes,”

“You too. And honestly you with a baby is quite possibly both the funniest and cutest thing I have ever seen, so thank you for that,”

Nina snorted. Kaz glared at them both. 

“And how are you?” Jesper had asked Inej, as they sat on the sofa together.

It was about twenty minutes later and Wylan had just got back, all apologies for being late and overjoyed to see them all again. He was now sitting in between Inej and Kiada with Sadja in his arms, smiling.

“Well, I haven’t slept in about two months,” Inej smiled, leaning her head onto Jesper’s shoulder, “But other than that I’m doing pretty well. How are you? - How was Novyi Zem?”

“I’m good, we’re all pretty good at the minute, actually. And Novyi Zem was lovely, good to see my Da, and everyone did a very good job,” he squeezed Aimee’s hand lightly, from where she was perching on the arm of the sofa next to him, “There were a few moments where we thought we’d have to come home early - that was always in the plan as an option, if anyone needed it - but we ended up staying the whole time,”

“How’s Colm?” asked Nina, leaning forwards to pick her coffee up from the table.

The conversation floated on, and Kaz had drifted in and out of paying attention to it as he kept his eyes on Sadja. She started wriggling uncomfortably and Wylan passed her back to Inej, then a moment passed before she started crying. 

“Is she alright?” asked Kaz.

“She’s just hungry,” said Inej, looking at Kaz in a way that meant calm down, she’s a baby, she’s going to cry, you do not need to worry as she stood up and gently rocked Sadja against her chest, whispering to her in Suli, “I’ll take her upstairs,”

At some point, Kaz wasn’t exactly sure how long it had been, it was only him, Nina, and Jesper still sitting in the living room. Focus had switched freely: the trip to Novyi Zem - two weeks with Colm followed by a month and a half through in Weddle and Shriftport, then another two weeks with Colm - Kiada had struggled with the boat, Aimee had struggled on the farm, Kiada has struggled in Weddle; news on the Ravkans and their new little prince and princess, twins about three months older than Sadja; Clemmie Boscht had started renting an apartment in the city and came to the house to share roast dinner with the family once a month; updates on something Kaz had forgotten to pay attention to as he was wondering how long Inej and Sadja had been gone and if he should go upstairs to find them. Now Nina was asking about wedding plans - the original date should have been last month, but it hadn’t been set in stone when Kaz and Inej first went to Ravka so Jesper and Wylan had decided to postpone and visit Jesper’s father instead of him coming out to them. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Jesper was saying, “Nothing will ever make up for the fact that Kaz Brekker got married before I did,”

Nina flopped against the back cushions of the sofa.

“Yeah, it’s a real blow to the ego isn’t it?”

“Aren’t you two just the height of comedy?” said Kaz drily.

“To be fair, Jes,” Nina added, “I think we were all surprised you weren’t the first to get married. I mean how long had you two known each other before you moved in, two months?”

“No, well I really only joke,” said Jesper, glancing briefly at the door and lowering his voice, “Wylan told me ages ago he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to get married, after everything with his parents he just kinda… lost faith in it,”

Jesper had told Kaz about it at the time. It was years ago, around the time of the Van Eck trial, and Wylan was having an unsurprisingly bad time of it. He said he’d burst into tears and told Jesper that it had been evil of him to trap him in a relationship that would never go anywhere, and that he could leave if he wanted to and Wylan would understand. Apparently Jesper had stared at him for almost a full minute, and then said:

“Wy, you’re seventeen,”

“Well, clearly,” Kaz had said, “You handled that well,”

“I helped him afterwards!” Jepser had cried defensively, “That was just my first thought,”

Now Kaz sat behind his desk at the Slat, flicking through the endless pile of papers laying in wait and watching the hands move on his timepiece. Almost five bells. He wanted to be back by six.

Sadja had woken up not long before three bells, screaming loud enough to bring the entire house down. Kaz fumbled in the dark, searching for his cane, before Inej turned on the gas lights and handed it to him, smiling and shaking her head. They sat next to each other on the side of the mattress as Sadja nursed, and for about half an hour afterwards Kaz was still rocking her slowly whilst Inej lowered the lights and lay back down. Sadja seemed on the verge of settling back to sleep and Kaz stood to return her to the cradle next to the bed, only for her to immediately start wailing again.

“Well I hope you’re not still hungry,” he said softly in Suli, giving her a gente bounce “I think Mama’s asleep,”

She flailed one of her tiny fists into the air and it whacked lightly against Kaz’s chest.

“Not bad form,” he told her, “But you need more strength behind it if you want to do real damage. We’ll work on that when you’re older. What can we do to help you sleep now though, hm?”

Sadja wriggled in his arm and Kaz moved to sit on one of the armchairs so he could set down his cane and support her more comfortably. 

“I don’t have anything new to read to you,” he said, “But I could tell you a story if you’d like,”

There was a pause broken only by Sadja’s impatient cries, before Inej’s soft voice came from the darkness on the other side of the room:

“You know the whole idea of us using one language each with her whilst she's still learning kind of depends on you speaking to her in Kerch, right?”

Kaz looked up.

“Inej? I thought you were asleep,”

“Kaz, if you think anyone could fall asleep through this then I have serious concerns about your hearing. And, again, you’re supposed to speak in Kerch,”

“I’m still not convinced that’s going to work,” he replied, “Isn’t she just going to hear us using both with each other anyway?”

Inej groaned.

“It’s three in the morning, Kaz, can we talk about this later?”

He laughed softly, nodding though he wasn’t sure if she’d see in the dark. He’d known that he needed to go to the Slat - the last word from Anika and Pim had been concerningly vague -  but he could stay here a little while yet, couldn’t he? What harm would it do, just to stay here for a little longer? He sighed.

“You need to go, don’t you?”

He didn’t know how she did that.

“It can wait until tomorrow,”

“You can’t,” said Inej, quietly, “Go on. I’ll get her settled, just don’t be long, okay?”

“Never,”

He really needed to stop watching the clock, or he wouldn’t get anything done and have to bully himself into staying longer. It was a good while past five bells when he left, ignoring the shouts for attention that followed him from the crowd. The Hendriks house was mostly still sleeping, though Wylan was unsurprisingly up and in the kitchen making coffee by the time Kaz arrived at six bells. Inej was awake but she was still upstairs, not long dressed and part way through brushing her hair when Kaz knocked softly on the door. She opened it slowly, pressing a finger to her lips as he slipped inside.

“Sadja’s asleep,”

Kaz stood over the cradle for a moment, watching her. She really was perfect. Inej appeared next to him, her arm slipping around his waist once he’d nodded confirmation. She leaned her head against his shoulder.

“She already looks like you,” she whispered.

Kaz shook his head.

“She’s beautiful. That’s all you,”

Inej shook her head then, her hand finding his and slipping beneath the rim so her fingers brushed his wrist. Kaz’s heart leapt, thinking of holding her on the floor almost a year ago, a knife in her gut and her blood soaking over both of them. He swallowed and she felt him tense, starting to pull away to give him space. His fingers tightened over hers, holding her to him. 

“We’ve not…” she hesitated, “We’ve not talked about a plan for where to live. For what to do next,”

Kaz had been avoiding the conversation, because he didn’t actually know what he was going to say. But it was a year ago when he couldn’t tell her everything he’d thought he should be able to say by now - 

Their happiness, together. In Kerch, in Ravka, they could move to the permafrost in Fjerda for all he cared. He would carve a life for her in the face of a mountain, if that was what she wanted.

- and so much had changed since then. He should be able to tell her that now. And he did.

Inej turned and leaned her face up towards his, glowing in the soft dancing light of dawn leaking through the window, her dark eyes shimmering. She lifted a hand up to cup his cheek, and slowly they leaned into each other. Their foreheads pressed against each other, Kaz’s hand slipped down Inej’s back, and their lips met in the warmth of spring and joy and a family that for so long Kaz had convinced himself he didn’t want, because he never thought he’d be able to find it. 

The entire world was golden.

[doonarose]

Hello fam,

Here's some TMI that I've spent the entire day spiraling over on the reddit chat but may as well therapize myself here too. Wait is therapize a real word... I did not know that.

Anyway - teaching week from absolute hell. Hours and hours and hours of on my feet labs and workshops. And then getting myself in a position where I had to mark prac write ups - 88 of them - in about 48 hours. Reckon it took me about 16 hours and it's mind numbing exasperating work because this is their first one - a quarter of them failed, some of them wrote the most incoherent bullshit...

That means my brain has been frazzled and fried since sometime Tuesday and by some oversight I neglected to put in my calendar that my parents were dropping their dog off at my house today to mind for a week. Probably because it's no big deal and not something I really need in my calendar.

Except I completely forgot. 100% out of my brain, gone, no idea it was happening until I got a text at 10.30 saying the dog had been dropped off and they were on their way to their airbnb where they've got a few nights away or whatever.

Now, worth noting, they did need to go into the house to drop the dog off, because this is the dog that, famously, escaped this same house a bit over a year ago, got smacked by a truck, was 50/50 on surviving for a long while, and cost them $6k to fix... so yeah, of course let yourselves in, dump the dog and lock the doggy door.

So a few things to know:

I live in a messy house at the best of times. Dishes in the sink, last night's plates still on the table, a bag of used tissues next to me on the couch, socks on the floor, etc. Like it's not gross rotting food or anything, but it's not the standard I like to show my parents (or anyone else). So that's a bit embarrassing.

Last night, because I pulled a 12 hour day of admin and prac marking, I fell into the too-often-fallen-into habit of having a decent slosh of vodka over ice with soda as soon as I got home at 8pm to turn my brain off so I could sleep before midnight. I left the half empty bottle of vodka on the table in the living room.

Also when I got home last night I took my bra off in the living room and left it draped across a chair.

Also, in a particularly lazy moment, I had left the eski full of water from almost two weeks ago sitting in the same spot in my kitchen which, yeah, okay, gross of me, but I intended to clean it up before anyone fucking saw it.

And you're probably reading this and thinking that it really isn't that bad so here's the real main source of mortification. Because I live alone and because no one would ever just drop in and because I've been busy and lazy and whatever. I also left my bright magenta sex toy besides the bathroom sink this morning. Where it had been since the morning before. Because that's a fine, logical place to leave it. And when I got the text I immediately remembered that because I saw it this morning when I was getting ready to go into work at 7.30 for an 8am zoom to the US, and kind of vaguely thought 'I should put that away' and then didn't. And didn't close the door to the bathroom because i only do that on hot days and it's been mild, finally, the last few days. And then when I got that text I tried to convince myself that my parents would have no reason to go into my bathroom, even though they would have obviously gone in the house and seen the above bad shit. And then I tried to convince myself that even if they had seen it, we would never speak of it and I would never know.

Anyway, I got home a half hour ago and my toilet door is fully closed, it's next to the bathroom door that remained fully open, magenta fucking rabbit in full view. I never, ever fully close the toilet door because it jams.

So anyway... may never wank again. Will, at some point, report on how I handle my face and soul next time I have to speak/see my parents.

If I die tonight, my COD will be mortification.

[mybatimblog]

my head feels like TV static

tw venting i am overwhelmed this is mostly a stream of consciousness and makes only half sense

i need to spill things somewhere i hope it helps

sirry this is kind of like real life stuff

i do not have anxiety in the diagnostic sense but there is so much in my body right now its going to pour out of my eyes and i'm worried i will drown in it

there is too much going on and not enough sleep to function i can either take my medication be productive and not sleep until four hours before my alarm or allow sleep instead of work

i can only pretend to be someone else for so long to keep my mood up i can only pretend for so long until i run out of fuel and it does not help much to pretend to be "Sammy Lawrence" or "Remus Lupin" or "Bucky barnes" before the character's instabilities actually make it hard to feel better and then i am back and so tired

i can pretend to be one of my own characters but they are pieces of me and it doesn't help much

the dopamine it gives me to spend time with stuff i like doesn't help my brain is moving too fast i feel like im spinning

books and paper and paint are so expensive i didnt get a textbook until yesterday because it took me two weeks to make the decision about whether i should risk a virus and get it for $20 or spend 50 dollars more just to rent it digitally and as for the art supplies i need to buy special paper? and the project is due sooner than id like

and food is so expensive i have food but not REAL food and I cannot eat cereal and popcorn forever but i have dishes to do and its either a drive to the less expensive grocery store or a 20 minute walk to the more expensive one

ive been trying to start a patreon but have no time to make content for the patreon

sunlight never reaches my window and my apartment is very dark but if I open my windows to let light in, people can see me so easily. my plants will die soon. i got a new plant recently as a reward for working so hard this summer and im afraid its going to die and im afraid that if this were a book and some student were reporting on it they'd relate my plant's health to mine and how i may be slowly falling apart

putting the light on helps a lot but not when we pay for electric and i have to think about how expensive it is to exist

i have been trying to pay my water bill for days and watching every drop i use because the other day my tap was on for 4 hours while i was away from home but the water lady has not emailed me back

i make list after list after list and its the same tasks that i still have to do them all

last night i tried to watch Fresh because i started it two days ago and sebastian stan is candy for the brain and i did not finish the movie but i had to pay for my enjoyment because the next day i feel like THIS and it is a punishment for trying to relax

when you look up how to deal with anxiety everything is things i cannot do except for breathe and breathing is not helping its all "sleep better" and "eat better" and "exercise" and "plan a time to worry"

i would like to melt but i have so much work to do

[sanddusted-wisteria]

A Builder, a Researcher, and a Rooftop, Ch. 14: Hypnagogia

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------------

As soon as the builder got to the roof, blanket and rubber sheet in tow, they could already see that Qi was looking pretty rough. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes, almost looking like a second pair of glasses. He was slouched over his legs, arms crossed on his knees, the only support keeping him from wobbling and collapsing where he sat. His lips were drawn into a thin line, face taut from his sheer determination to stay awake. The dullness in his eyes betrayed his true bleariness.

“Are you…feeling okay?” the builder asked, afraid that forcing him to answer would finally drain the last of his body’s energy.

“I’ll be fine. I calculated that the effects of the caffeine from my last cup of tea should last for another 2 hours or so.”

The builder put their free hand on their hip. “…When was the last time you slept?”

“Approximately 50 hours ago.”

“What.”

“I was busy finishing the diagram you requested at the expedited rate we agreed on,” he said nonchalantly. “The extra data disks helped immensely, but I needed to forego some sleep in order for my mind to make breakthroughs at a faster rate. It’s ready, by the way. Should be in your mailbox in the morning.”

The builder felt a stone sink to their stomach. “W-When you said you could get it done two days faster…this was what you meant?!”

“Of course. How else did you think I could logically get a diagram done faster?”

They glanced away. “I…I didn’t think you’d be killing yourself to do it…”

“Well, I’m happy to report that I am still very much alive. You needn’t worry about me.”

“I should!” they shouted. “Pulling this many all-nighters isn’t good, Qi!”

They suddenly remembered the large roll under their arm. With a flick of their wrists, they unfurled both layers at once right next to Qi, causing him to flinch. With the blanket spread out, they flopped down. “Come on, lie down,” they said.

“Is this some underhanded tactic to make me sleep?” he grumbled, but laid down regardless.

“Mostly to prevent you from rolling off the roof, but if you sleep, you sleep, I guess.”

Qi only let out an indistinct mumble, and took his glasses off to rub at his puffy eyes.

“Y’know, if you’re all done with my diagram…why the hell are you here? You can sleep now, right?”

“I only got the diagram done a few hours ago. If I went to sleep, there would be no way for me to inform you that I’d be missing tonight. You would make the considerable walk over here and be confounded, then forced to make the walk back. That’s at least a 50-minute effort. Better that I be here to avoid the confusion.”

The builder let out a loud sigh. “Not this again… Why do you always do this to yourself?” they said, hoping the sharpness in their voice came off more pleading than accusatory. “You skip eating, you skip sleeping, you drink so much caffeine that it’s honestly a miracle that you’re still alive…and all just to stargaze or add even more work to your load or something. And why—” Their breath hitched as they felt a twist in their heart. “—why do you only do it when I’m involved somehow…?”

The instant the words left their mouth, the twist in their heart turned to ice, and they clamped their lips shut. Light, what a terrible thing for them to say. Were they really selfish enough to pretend like Qi was doing all of this just for their sake? Like they were the sole reason he would willingly put his well-being on the line? Were the ridiculous feelings building inside them for the past several weeks finally starting to rot their rationality away?

Qi sighed, somehow sounding even more exhausted than he looked. “Time.”

They frowned. “Huh?”

Qi lazily turned his eyes upward. “Think about it. Both of us are professionals that are critical to the well-being of society and work at the highest level. Time is our most precious resource. It determines how much we’re able to get done. How productive we can be. And yet…I take time away from you for all sorts of…frivolous matters.”

The builder’s brow only furrowed deeper. “You think…you’re wasting my time?”

“Yes,” Qi muttered. “Not only these nights, but also the food and the tea…and everything else. You invest so much of your time into these…trivialities. The least I can do in exchange is invest my own time for your sake.”

The builder felt their stomach sink. “‘Trivialities…’ Qi, I wanted to do those things for you. We don’t need to make it so…transactional.” They swallowed. “I…I care about you, you know? I don’t need you to ‘pay’ me every time I do something nice.”

Qi’s gaze flickered behind them. “But the—”

“It’s not like the telescope anymore,” they sighed. “That was months ago. I’ve already forgiven you for that. We’re in a different place now. Metaphorically.”

Qi was silent. His tired eyes cast downward.

The builder huffed. “Qi. Look at me. Listen.”

His gaze—dark within and without—met theirs again. They ignored the flutter in their chest and pressed on.

“You are not wasting my time. You never have. You never will.”

Qi’s gaze intensified as much as he could make it through the weariness. “You mean it?”

The builder nodded, a faint smile on their lips. “Of course.”

Qi kept steady for a moment, scrutinizing them. Then he relaxed, everything from eyes to shoulders to arms releasing their tension all at once. “That…is reassuring,” he murmured. Using what was definitely the last of his energy, he turned back to the stars. “I wish I could convey…just how much.” His voice trailed off into nothingness.

A minute passed. Or maybe twenty. The builder stared blankly up at the sky.

After some time soaking in the silence, they turned their head over towards Qi, only to be met with closed eyes. His head was tilted slack. Slow, steady breaths passed his slightly-parted lips.

They couldn’t help but smile softly at the peaceful look on his face. Finally.

They got up and gently folded their half of the blanket over Qi, making sure he’d be nice and cozy. They could go without it tonight.

Their gaze lingered a little longer, running over Qi’s sleeping form, illuminated by the soft moonlight. Their heart beat harder and faster, thudding in their eardrums. A part of them desperately urged them to move, growing more insistent by the second. But it wasn’t pushing them towards home.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the last bastion of resistance in their mind keeping them rooted in place crumbled away.

They leaned down, careful not to jostle him, and gently pressed their lips to his forehead.

“Good night, Qi,” they whispered as they pulled away. And then they left, heart racing and cheeks warm.

------------

Another day of hard work, as usual.

Qi was at his workbench, carefully sketching out the diagram for his latest design: a retractable set of treaded wheels for the in-progress Gungam Mobile Suit Mark III. If his calculations were correct (and they were), the Suit would be able to gain 200% extra mobility on more fluid sand surfaces without compromising the Suit’s iconic, stylish look.

As he finished writing down the materials list, the front door of the research center opened. Looking over, he saw the builder enter, bright and energetic as always. Qi felt his mood lighten. Excellent! The builder would be able to flawlessly construct the parts in a timely manner.

He thought he would move to pick up the diagram to show them, but his body simply turned towards them, his arms relaxed and slightly open.

The builder didn’t say a word, the smile on their face never faltering. They drew towards him and wrapped their arms tight around his waist. He instinctively pulled them in, savoring the warmth and the closeness. They laughed as he leaned deeper into their touch, the lovely sound reverberating through his entire being. He felt his face pull into a smile. It was always so easy to smile around the builder, wasn’t it? His talented, wonderful, and—

Wait, what?!

------------

Qi woke up to the sun beating down on his face. It was uncomfortably warm. At any other time, Qi would be asking himself how on earth he ended up falling asleep on the roof, wrapped up in the builder’s blanket, but right now he was still trying to parse what he’d seen just a moment ago. Or rather “seen,” he supposed. Dreams only simulate visual stimuli.

He unrolled himself from the blanket and slipped his glasses back on, relieved to feel the fresh air hit his body. He made no move to sit up, staring flat on his back up at the now bright blue sky. His mind was whirring. Never before had he had a dream quite like that. He could dream pretty vividly sometimes, but they all had fairly consistent elements. He ran through the list of significant ones from this dream in his head, determined to pick it apart.

The part where he was working: A given.

He was always working, after all.

Drawing up a diagram that he hasn’t thought up yet: Fairly frequent.

In fact, this was how he got a lot of his diagram ideas.

People showing up: Rare.

He hardly interacted with most people, and that was reflected in his dreams. Usually people who appear in his dreams have recently bothered him for one reason or another.

The builder showing up: Very rare.

Occasionally they appear, asking questions about a diagram or one of the many scientific concepts they have yet to understand. Perhaps a product of his mind attempting to work through a complex problem.

The builder…embracing him: ???

The builder never did anything so physically intimate with him before. They respected his personal space, which he appreciated.

Qi reciprocating the embrace: ???????

What on Earth would have driven him to do such a thing? Surely he would have protested, at least. But why…why did he enjoy it so much in the dream? Why did the builder elicit such a euphoric response in his dream-self? And for Science’s sake, why was his heart rate speeding up now that he was thinking about it?!

Qi smacked his forehead. Ugh. What the hell was happening to him? This was just the latest in the series of weird bodily sensations that started about a month or two ago, but somehow exponentially more severe than the rest. His heart rate was up without any obvious stress or physical effort, his mind was spinning faster than a centrifuge, and he wasn’t sure if the heat in his cheeks was coming from the sun or within. A new research idea: Figure out the cause behind these unusual physiological effects. Priority 1, since he could already tell that this was going to interfere with his other work.

He dropped his arm back onto the blanket. Oh, right. Their blanket. He should probably give it back. But seeing the builder now was…a bad idea. Why? Because it would interfere with his…newly found research topic. Of course.

He rolled the blanket and the rubber sheet up into a bundle. He could leave it near the door, so they could pick it up the next time they came over. And they would come over again. He knew that for a fact. The thought sent a shock through somewhere deep in his torso. He placed a hand over where it appeared to be.

Hm. He really needed to get to the bottom of this.

Qi went downstairs and opened his door. He quickly pulled out a spare chair, set the rolled-up blanket down on top, then turned around and headed back out.

Time to pay Dr. Fang a visit. If he was coming down with some kind of novel disease, he would know.

As he made his way down the street, a tiny part of him couldn't help but wonder: would it be better if this was a disease, or if it wasn’t?

His stomach churned at the thought. Because if it wasn’t…he was a little afraid of what it could truly be.

------------

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[akash1618]

13 feb. thursday

wore my fav green today. got 333, but then no 312 again today. caught an auto at 9:10 after waiting for at least 40 minutes at the bus stop.

and how can a day with such a bad start unfold? tune in akash...

fare was some 170. office at 9:55. met sunny at gulshan. he had just got out from the auto as well.

not a second from yesterday's start till today's afternoon had felt any different. i feel so tired and sleepy since yesterday.

was working on the monthly reports module and the testing sheet as well.

i didn't see her today as well. i pray the best for her :) i hope she's doing well wherever she is 💙

lunch time, and i didnt speak anything today as well. boss called me to the cabin right after i had finished my lunch. i am supposed to explain to the new sales intern about the platform. ugh, i don't like her. she has a dominating aura, in a bad way. it's hard to describe, idk words, but i just know that i cannot get along with her. meh.

i don't understand why i am tasked with dealing with people, when i am not good at it. but okay i get paid so i don't mind haha ;-p

intern came outside to our desks. she went "why are you so shy?" umm, how to respond to such statements? i simply said that i am just being polite. i switched places with sunny. i started explaining, and halfway i realised, i don't remember many things about the platform i have built in these two years. also, i said so many wrong things convincingly lol. what a story. she wasnt interested in listening to whatever i was saying.was simply pretending to listen. i could sense it. and i couldn't explain as well. halfway when i was explaining something important, she went - hey, i don't want to know this. yo? i am doing this for you. how can you even...? she even fidgeted with me when i was explaining ebitda. i couldn't distinguish well between the amortization and depreciation , so i decided to skip, but she went - hey, you seemed invested in it, please tell. and when i tried to, she kept looking at her mobile. it kinda happened many times. she was looking at her mobile, and barely paid any attention. idk, too soon to judge ig. maybe it's just me.

evening, snacks time. the intern had joined up as well. there was a burger eating competition. ok. i had my fruit plate. the intern went down to attend the call. the senior coworker was angry. he told me to not be so bearing. "why don't you speak? she's trying to dominate you." i didn't understand the reason for being so angry. is it that her behaviour actually ticks off? or was it that i am the senior and should be respected? i mean, i really don't like her presence. and she actually does try to pull a joke on me. maybe next time i should say something rude to her? idk, idk if i should even do it. there's so much peace in being polite. you have to worry about ten less things.

left office at 8:50 or so. got 181, and then a 333. home.

it was my cousin sister's oti bharan today. should've been there, phish. if only i had knew earlier.

yesterday i watched baaghi 2. it was proly airing on star gold. of the three parts, it's the better one. and i like it mostly because of atif's o saathi. i have been looping the song since morning. i remember not liking the hype of the film when it had released. but when i had heard the song, i wanted to watch the film. alas, no money for hindi films. i used to spend only for marvel and dc films back then. haha

i feel sm of an idiot here. i work with some of the brightest minds here at work, and i feel like an impostor. no, not an impostor syndrome. i actually do feel like an impostor. i feel so diffident working with them, that whenever i open my mouth, i am bound to get insulted because my lack of knowledge. so i just shut my mouth most of the times. meh, i don't like working here.

i feel tired and need good sleep. i don't remember the last i slept for 8 hours straight, uninterrupted. maybe it was when i took paracetamol. my sleep always breaks at 6 hours .

i have been feeling sad today as well.

i had read that the first hour of the day decides how positive the rest of the day would be, so i've decided to listen to positive songs in the morning. maybe just aarti if it helps. also, i have strictly decided to dedicate an hour for learning art on saturdays for at least a month to begin with. i don't want to be sad always.

and sometimes pinterest just hits in the feels. helps me find things i find difficult to express. i found this today...

yes, and how in the world is one supposed to believe that someone can love them? how to be out of this tragedy? ofc, repeating these things to yourself and believing in them don't go long.

[shithitsmynipples]

Did I ever tell you guys about the time that my house being white trash as hell got me out of a potential hit and run charge? Idk why I'm thinking about this now but the day I got my license I accidentally tapped my friend's car at the parking lot of our job. Literally a tap, not even paint transfer. But I was 17 and scared so I hauled ass out of there with the intention of telling her when she got off her shift, only someone called the cops on me. So about an hour later they pull into my fucking driveway. Now I'm convinced I'm about lose the license I just got that day so as soon as I open the door to this man I am SOBBING. My little 20 pound dog, who usually loves people, is barking her head off and doing her damndest to get around me and fucking eat this dude (acab amiright) around this time, still crying, I ask him if he wants to step inside and talk instead. (the door he came to is the back which opens to a room FULL of trash that needs to go out and old furniture we never got rid of) and my brother, who is a big bearded dude and used to sleep past noon, wakes up at this point and comes over in his underwear like "WHO THE FUCK IS AT THE DOOR??" this guy wrote me a $50 ticket for not reporting and got the fuck outta there

[nathank77]

5/26/24

6:50 a.m

I took my half mg of xanax and 25mg of Hydroxyzine a hour ago I'm going to play solitaire and try to sleep soon.

So I did the UFO ending and I did the Silent Hill 2 Maria Sub Scenario cause I never game anymore.. the hallucination is on my last nerve... which is why I don't game anymore but at least I played over 6 hours today to make up for prob a week of not touching a game system.

Tomorrow I'll have another red bull day and play some Silent Hill game with my HDCP bypasser. I figured out the trick. I got to pull the power from hdmi splitter not the bypasser right as it connects. It takes a few tries but I can replicate it in a minute or 2 maximum. So this could feasibly work long term. I tested it many times today.

Tomorrow besides for gaming, I got to shower, clean my ac filter, and re mouse repellant my room and drawers. It's been working. Now that my freon poisoning fear is gone I'm worried I'll have a freon leak in my car and I'll get poisoned lol I guess I'll worry about that Tuesday when I go to to Firestone for my oil change... if it blow hot air or clicks are things I got to look for... I can't open the window in my car bc the motor is broken I got to pull up the windows with my hands. I can only crack it a little..

My Ray-Bans have been comfortable, my eyes haven't been straining so maybe they work better than the Arons or maybe it's that I've been looking at the guide reading on my phone as I gamed. So I didn't have prolonged staring at my tv. I mean I did but there was a lot of looking back and forth also between my computer as well.

Although they started squeezing the back of my head behind my ears after about 10 hours of wear but that's normal for them... the arons are more comfortable but I got to give these Ray-Bans a chance when I watch TV all day with no switching to heavy phone and computer time. My eyes could be straining cause of dry eyes from looking at my tv all day. Idk.

My mouth is little dry I don't like it but I mean I sleep with my mouth open most nights and it could be allergies or not drinking enough water or a medication side effect. I drink at least 1 bottle a day but I should prob do better than that. It's not a chronic problem so I wont freak out about it atm. It could also be psychosis or my tooth paste i assume. I'm thinking water. And sleeping with my mouth open more than anything. It's not that dry but psychosis always focuses on my gums and teeth bc I freak out about it bc I can't slow down on smoking.. and tactiles are a real thing for me.

I feel like a ghost. I'm upset she won't talk to me. I'm starting to think maybe just maybe she is waiting for me to find someone else. Or maybe she thinks I'm crazy... I mean I'm not going to find anyone anytime soon. And I mean if it's the crazy thing that's a crap shot cause I'm not getting better despite trying...

I'm still worried about the Kristen Report wondering if they are going to take my case waiting for the status report. So yeah.

I decided to respond to the big girl. I'll waste our time... I'll see her body reveal and then slowly filter her out. I mean I got to tell her I don't like glasses cause I mean if she happens to be one of those girls who thinks she's fat cause of society the glasses still are a deal breaker for me. Not to mention I don't like her face at all but whatever. I got to take what I can get.

Elise is in love with her husband. I'm alone af. And I got to take what I can get at this point.

So yea. By the time she shows up if she ever does I mean cool you've waited so long at this point I mean I don't hate you but I don't like you that much despite my feelings. It's a weird in between feeling. I'm in love with you but you treat me like I'm a ghost. Like I'm dead to you. I deserve better. A better friend and most certainly a better potential lover. If there are signals to be read it's fucking confusing.

1) you're sad and you love him and you can't talk to me bc of my feelings 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

2) you love me and you want me to be well aware of the fact that your husband exists and you're dealing with it...

3) You think I'm crazy and you're protecting yourself 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Watch me bleed. Do nothing. Show your true colors. Your only excuse is you're in love with me and you're going to divorce him. Otherwise you're a shitty person. Cause I could put my feelings aside. And you could be a friend.

Maybe shape shift by silverstein does fit. Maybe it's not lost positives by silverstein.

Id be happy to be your friend but if you're waiting for me to find someone. It's going to be YEARS. YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS. I got too many flaws. The cat allergy alone will make sure I'm single for at least 2 years.

And if you think I'm crazy you're the worst thing that ever happened to me cause listen to wake up by silverstein. "I went to hell and the devil never looked my way" I have psychosis.. I'm not crazy and my intentions with you are 10000% Pure and good hearted regardless of the capacity. But yea I think about you 24/7 and I feel invisible to you.

Idk if youd even go to my funeral when I give up fighting psychosis bc of a "conflict of interest" or if youd even visit my grave at this point. It's happening regardless of you. But you got to know you're fucking confusing. And you make me feel like shit. Like i never mattered and at this point im trying to accept that I read you wrong. That the eye contact was something you do with everyone and anyone.

Cause if it isn't love, it's Nathan's crazy or it's Nathan needs to find a girl and idc if it takes him YEARS. Even though he is suffering and he has no one and is planning his suicide. Regardless of if I show up but maybe if someone showed up for me and showed me kindness and a healthy relationship it could help a little. I wouldn't kill myself over you or anyone at that rate.... I'm killing myself bc auditory hallucinations are LIFE RUINING.

But I mean maybe it's that I'm a client to you. I doubt it but I mean at this point I can't keep making excuses for you.

I remember your eyes but time and silence say a lot.

[pierce-04]

Thank you all!

I cannot write it all down, so I will just start from the turning point. Around 4 months back, I was diagnosed with an osteoclastoma (giant cell bone tumor). Well, what can I say about my unpredictable life? It was a luck-by-chance diagnosis. I mean, this was the last thing I expected when I started complaining about my knee pain. We didn't know what kind of tumor it was for a month or so. My mom had brain cancer, so you can guess how long that one month was for me. We sought many opinions; my dad searched through Google like a maniac. And then, the day arrived with the truth: I found out that my tumor is benign. That was a relief for my family and me. Now, the next challenge was the line of treatment. Well, it turned out that surgery was the only option right now.

I had the longest night the day before my surgery. Had to go through a lot of tests before the operation. I couldn't sleep and was prohibited from eating or drinking for at least 12 hours prior to the surgery. I was mentally prepared for everything. It's my dream to be a surgeon one day, so entering an operating theater was kind of a thrill for me. My doctors were quite amazing and cool. Trust me when I say if there is anyone who can completely comfort you during such times, it's your doctor. You have to trust them and let them do their magic. So, let's come back to the day I waited for. My dad was my ray of positivity that day. We somehow compiled our strength together and distributed it among ourselves equally. He had tears in his eyes; I think it was more difficult for him than it was for me. I mean, come on, watching your little girl go through something like this takes a lot of guts, but he was strong for me.

As I entered the room saying, see you soon papa. The doors behind me closed. I was fascinated more than scared to look at those huge machines and needles and lights. I kept talking to my doctors about the procedures and the instruments they were going to use. Like I said you have to trust your doctor which I definitely did so it kept me out of stress.

Let me give you a little about the procedure. When it comes to bone tumors like this, there is usually curettage and bone drafting. Curettage is the removal of the affected bone using a curette and bone grafting calls for the filling that space created after curettage with a bone graft or an implant. A graft was prepared from my pelvic floor and then placed in my femur.

I was out of the room after 4 to 5 hours and for about one hour under observation. The anesthesia worked for quite a while. I was really proud of myself to get over with this and God my dad was so happy. Well, the next challenge starts right from here.

I was instructed not to put my operated leg on the floor for about 1.5 months to prevent major fractures. As and when the effects of anesthesia ran down the meter of pain ran high. Oh, it was horrible. Had many sleepless nights and days of breaking down. I cannot write down about the pain I felt all those months. The trouble was still not over, there were still a 50% chance of a recurrence or a malignant growth.

I have always liked a maintained body, but this bed rest just changed me completely. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I just hated it. I had a few follow-ups, and my reports were quite impressive. Had my stitches removed after a month of surgery.

Another challenge, every time I watched those scars, I cried. I cried because I didn't want them. I stopped getting dressed for functions, refused to click photos. I hated my body and myself. Having someone do all my work irritated me. From brushing to sitting straight, I needed help. I felt like a burden, a hopeless and helpless person. My sleepless nights got into a lot of overthinking. My career path was kept on hold. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't do anything I enjoyed doing. Just wait for my medicine hours to take them and fall asleep for hours to avoid all this.

There were times I felt that maybe this will never end, maybe I deserved all this, maybe it was all my fault. Months passed by staring at the ceiling and waiting for the day to hear it's over now. I didn't want to talk to anyone at times. I was against having a good time. I wanted to be left alone and feel this pain and think, "Why me?" There was unnecessary anger and frustration and no one to blame it on but myself.

Not only was the physical pain eating me up, but the mental disturbance ate me up equally. Watching my legs made me want to chop them off. I just wanted to feel them again and run. I wanted to wake up and think it all to be a nightmare. There was a sudden rush of pain when I would wake up from sleep; at some time, I didn't want to sleep as waking up would be painful. Talking for more than 15 minutes would make me restless. There was no routine, just getting up, eating, taking medicines, crying, and sleeping. I was off track in life.

Today I am standing on both my feet and under physiotherapy for a quick recovery. Therapy too is a headache but it's all worth it. It feels so great to write all this down with a smile on my face. I passed the most difficult exam of my life. Only blessings, prayers, and an ounce of hope got me through all this.

All this taught me a lot. I am grateful for this life and everything in it. Now I know that it's not only about achieving your goals and becoming something. It's about appreciating, it's about loving, it's about living and enjoying. It's about everything but quitting.

I love my body more than I used to. I am proud of having these scars as they are the sign of struggling, of hope, of light in the darkness. Now I know I am strong and capable enough to face anything. I don't need armors to be protected.

Thank you, doctors. Thank you, dad. Thank you, my family. And thank you all.

[kenobster]

honestly I wouldn’t put too much stock in follower counts and activity pages. obviously we have no idea how many followers users have but I’d wager it’s around 50 for most people, and depending on how long you’ve been on here, a good chunk of them might be inactive or lurkers.

furthermore, this used to be the reblogging things site, which has since been plagued with likes only. it’s like that for a lot of posts, big blog or otherwise. but the problem with that is, if no one reblogs things, there’s less opportunity for more notes in the first place.

the moral of this story is, do whatever you want and don’t worry about adding your voice on anything! the numbers do not matter at all

Thanks so much anon, that's very kind of you to say!!! I love every single one of my followers, even the inactive ones and even the scandalously dressed ladybots that I haven't reported & blocked yet. XD Like, I seem to be miscommunicating lately, and it feels like maybe I'm coming across as upset/stressed out/angry without meaning to? So I'm gonna take this chance to needlessly describe my activities for the last 24 to 48 hours to prove a point lmfao.

Yesterday morning, I was reintroducing my grumpy timid cat to a super friendly cat I will be cat-sitting for the next month or so, which was super fun and one of my special interests. After that, I was chillin with my fandom homies while we played Jackbox and heard each other's voices for the first time ever (voices that were audibly referencing Vader's Uterus lmfao so I was pretty ecstatic). After that, I played around with my INCREDIBLE Vader bop-it toy that I bought yesterday based on a friend's recommendation. My first Hasbro merch ever. :) I'm in love and I still can't believe it's a real thing that exists.

At that point, I checked Tumblr and... yeah, admittedly I panicked a little because I was a bit scared I'd soon get a bunch of angry asks screaming at me for being a meanyhead (to beat a horse dead, this is just a regular run-of-the-mill anxiety of having a fandom blog and it is absolutely nobody's fault). So I spent an hour or so chatting with a friend until I felt better and then I quickly made the post in question regarding my follower count so that, despite the bewildering attention Five Peggats Each has gotten, everyone would know the truth about my lack of influence lmao. (This is a compliment. From me to me. I like my lack of influence. I'm not fucking kidding lol. I actually have panic attacks sometimes about the idea of becoming internet famous. I literally don't want that lmao. Fifty to a hundred followers is an A+ amount imo, so it's about time I guess it's about time I start losing those pornbots lmfaoo.) Anyway, last night was probably the first time I've checked my follower count in the entire history of this blog tbh. So like, you're being super sweet, anon, and I'm hoping other people will see this too because it's absolutely true and I think your words would be very encouraging and reassuring to anyone who sees this!! But I promise you that my activity log statistics and teh amount of followers I have are not things I spend time thinking about.

Once that was all taken care of, I wrote/edited a little bit for my fic for QuinObi week (SO EXCITED! Literally just a few more days!). Then at around 4am, I woke up with middle-of-the-night epiphanies on how to phrase a couple things/finish/tidy up my thoughts for that Fox opinions post, and I lay in bed working on that for an hour or so. After that, I went back to sleep, woke up, chatted with the fandom homies again, and then, ever since, I've been playing a video game I've been dying to play all week. Until about an hour ago, I literally had no idea what may or may not have been going down on Tumblr, and I wasn't thinking about it at all. And now that I've enjoyed myself on Tumblr for the day, I'm probably gonna invite my mom up tonight so she can spend time with the cats while I use her as a captive audience to talk about Vader's Uterus lmfao. And then at about 10pm, I'm gonna head bed because I work for a living and I forgot to ask if I get the holiday off.

All of this to say I am fine!! I'm just chilling, living my life, doing my own thing. For me, Tumblr is like a fun thing to check out every once in a while, the same way I spent time playing my video game, enjoying my Vader bop-it toy, hoarsing around with the cats, or anything else that strikes my fancy. Kidney stones and abusive ex-bosses are the things I worry about, not like.... a pixelated number on a screen lmao. In other words, this is a hobby to me, not a livelihood, and if I wasn't enjoying my time here, I literally would not log on (and sometimes I don't log on! For days and days at a time. Because I'm enjoying other things more!)

But anyway, I will say that the thing that makes it the most fun for me here? People like you!! Who send me asks. Who share their thoughts on my posts. Who became friends that give me the confidence to make the posts that I wanna make. Who have other fun lil interactions with me. So (1) Please don't worry about me. I'm fully medicated, my back is sore, and I'm too old to be upset over fandom things lmao. And (2) I really cannot thank you and everyone who makes my fandom experience so enjoyable!!! :D Y'all are great and I'm thrilled to be able to have fun here. I'm living my best life.