#will report as soon as I get 50 hours of sleep

[nnobodoodles]

Just posting some fancy 1920s characters I made to mess around with ☕✨

(aka things that happen when I read Wodehouse, Lackadaisy and binge Downton Abbey)

From left to right: Priya, Freddie, Matthew, Arthur & Marion

1928

Lord Dalham's son has succumbed to illness and the next heir to his title, his nephew Frederick Barlow, a solicitor, is to return to England after spending the last two years in India.

"Freddie", isn't quite the reserved, serious man that everyone remembered upon return; because they are in fact, Frederick's unruly twin that was travelling by his side to be engaged to an English officer.

After their brother's unexpected death, Freddie assumed his identity, recruiting the help of Frederick's former valet, one Matthew Halkett.

Through gentlemen's clubs, fancy country houses, speakeasies and gambling pits, dog shows and county fairs, Freddie discovers alarming and conflicting information regarding their twin, as well as people who seem to have curious ties to him.

Freddie Barlow (28)

Despite being born in the upper classes and having the privileges that come with this, Freddie never quite found their calling in life, nor were they considered a particularly graceful aristocrat; not being the one for sports like tennis, or the arts, desperately failing at music and painting.

They would have liked to pursue acting, but that option was of course, off the table. They were supposed to be a socialite like their mother, and their acting skills were required to put on a mask and pull on strings. That seemed to keep everyone pleased until in an effort to protect their best friend from a predatory suitor, Freddie allowed scandal to soil their name and was sent to India to get married, accompanied by their twin, Frederick.

After Frederick's death in a railroad "accident", Freddie discovers a plot against their family, and assumes his identity upon arriving in England, after a 2-year absence. Their alter ego is assumed to still be in India and married to an English officer.

Freddie is constantly discovering alarming and conflicting information regarding their twin and bears guilt, doubt, and identity issues over their actions.

(Freddie is afab & non-binary/genderfluid by today's standards, all pronouns apply but in the context of the story, Freddie leans towards masculine terms)

Matthew Halkett (30)

Matthew Halkett was Frederick's former valet, who was let go before the twins' trip to India.

Halkett grew up into poverty and was a thief and an underground boxer as a youth, before turning his life around in his teens. He dedicated his life to service, when his uncle, butler at Lord Dalham's big estate, helped him get into service as a footman. He soon found he has a particularly keen eye for detail, and a strong work ethic that made him shine amongst staff. He also served in the Great War before his employment at the Barlow household.

Upon receiving news of his potential title as heir to his uncle, Frederick required a valet, and when the two met at Lord Dalham's estate the offer was made.

As Frederick's valet Halkett knew most of the secrets of the household, including Freddie's. Due to an unjustly blamed incident of theft, Frederick fired him with no reference which left him in a rather unsatisfactory position, under the employment of an old bubbling arrogant Colonel.

His previous position also makes him a target of Frederick's enemies after his death. He is the first ally Freddie seeks out upon returning to England, and is offered, once again, the position of the valet on their side instead.

Priya Curtis (21)

The youngest daughter of middle class merchants, Priya Curtis is an sweet and elegant young lady of British-Indian heritage who seems to have followed Freddie all the way on his trip back to England. Or more like, she seems to think she's following Frederick.

The reason? Why, revenge, of course.

If they get past that misunderstanding, Priya and Freddie might discover they are connected by something of a familial nature.

Arthur Pennington (28)

Arthur Pennington is the son of an English earl & an American heiress, and Frederick's friend from their university days in Oxford. Despite his wealth, he also studied law but remains rather unworldly and naive due to a rather sheltered lifestyle. He makes up with his infectious energy, friendliness, and unending loyalty, and he's eager to recount old stories to Freddie, initially not realizing he's not talking to their twin.

Marion Ellis (36)

A Renaissance lady; writer, poet, and predominantly a journalist, she spent many good years in Paris and Montmartre, where her fiancé, John, awaits her return. An extremely romantic soul with a love for the arts and a social butterfly, Marion is well aware of the ins and outs of high society and has written under a nickname for ladies' magazines. She is an acquaintance of Freddie's lord-uncle, and apparently, had some mysterious ties to Frederick.

[skyloftian-nutcase]

@kikker-oma Have a little hurt/comfort/fluff(ish) Healthcare snippet to help you get through being sick. I hope you feel better soon! ❤️ (@hermitdrabbles56 come get your healthcare au soup 😂👍🏻)

Legend wasn’t the best at emotional support and care, and he’d be he first one to admit it. But he also knew when to recognize that a situation was rough and when someone would probably need help through it. The matter was what was he supposed to do.

When Hyrule walked briskly into the emergency department, blood trailing up his arms and seeping into parts of his clothes, hair a frizzy mess, Mo equally disheveled, and a firefighter Legend didn’t know at his side… he knew it was bad. He’d known it was bad based on the incoming report.

The trauma room had been packed, as it always was for alpha alerts. Voices layered over each other as they worked to transfer the patient to the bed from the stretcher. Machines beeped as devices were unhooked and reattached. The emergency attending called for silence so Hyrule could give his report.

“Unknown age male, approximately in his 20s, found down on a back road. He’s been unresponsive for us the entire time. He’s got a ton of bleeding from the back of his head and it feels depressed in the back, unequal and soft, likely has a skull fracture. Pupils unequal, right side larger than the left, but both reactive. No step off or anything palpating c-spine, flail chest with deformity on the left side, large laceration on the left arm that we’ve got wrapped, and just road rash all over. We don’t know if it was a hit and run or what the deal was. He was originally 88/50, and tachycardic in the 130s, SpO2 in the 80s. We intubated him with a 7.0, it’s 20… something—um, 22 at the teeth. Lots of blood in the airway that we are clearing out. He’s got two bilateral 16G IVs, we gave him 1.5L normal saline, he’s gotten TXA as well. His BP improved to 108/74, was the last one we got. He’s been sating in the 90s since we got the tube in. I don’t have a medical history or anything, no witnesses to what happened.”

As soon as Hyrule had finished, other providers were calling out findings. Legend noted out loud when vitals were dropping again. The emergency nurse glanced at Hyrule as he walked away and saw the medic belatedly realize just how much blood he’d gotten on himself. Mo was already washing his own hands at the nearest sink.

He barely had time to even consider saying anything to the kid, but he certainly didn’t have time to talk to him right now. So he made a note for later as Time talked to the emergency physician and they prepared to go to CT.

Hours later, Legend sat down in the locker room, exhausted, and grabbed his phone.

Hey Rulie, wanna hang out?

He didn’t know Mo that well, but he knew Hyrule. He knew that medic didn’t really hang out with anyone who he didn’t know from work, which meant his circle of friends—though expanding since they’d recently met some new people—was fairly limited. And he’d never heard of the teenager mention family. Four was working a day shift today, Time was still in surgery, and Warriors was coming in to work today as well. Wind was in school, and Wild was out sick with Twilight holding him hostage so he rested. Legend didn’t know what Sky was doing—he disappeared off the face of the planet sometimes, it was a little disconcerting—so he couldn’t rely on him. Which was unfortunate because Sky (and Twilight, Legend was discovering) was fairly emotionally supportive.

Which meant it was up to him.

I’m not built for this, he grumbled in his head, but his worry for his friend far outweighed any awkwardness and anxiety on the matter.

When he didn’t get an immediate reply, he started wondering if Hyrule had just gone home and gone to sleep. A part of him was relieved and a part still worried. By the time he got to his car, though, a text popped up on his screen.

Hang out? Didn’t you just get off work?

So he was awake. Legend’s fingers moved quickly. I mean we don’t have to now but like in general. Later today?

Sure

Perfect. This was going to be fine. Yeah. Legend could offer support. He could, thank you very much.

Six hours later, he groaned as his alarm went off, and his confidence and concern on the matter were far lower than earlier.

Maybe we can hang out tomorrow, he thought as an exhaustion headache thrummed against his skull. But when he grabbed his phone, Hyrule had already texted him.

I was thinking we could go hiking! There’s a trail where we can watch the sunset.

Ah. Well, now he was committed and his friend was excited. He definitely wasn’t delaying this.

Except it was butt cold outside, he discovered to his dismay as he wrapped himself in several layers of jackets.

Be a supportive friend, yeah, it would be great, terrific, wonderful, WHY IS THE WIND BLOWING IT’S COLD ENOUGH—

Legend nearly scampered to the safety of his car, the bitter wind held at bay, and then yelled at how frozen the seats felt. “Damn it all, why is—what the hell made Hyrule think today was a good day to hike?!”

After too short a time to warm the car up, he finally met Hyrule at the designated spot at the edge of town.

“Why the hell are you biking here?” He exclaimed as he rolled his window down. Hyrule, cheeks flushed and smile bright, jogged over and slid into the car from where he’d locked his bike at a post. “It’s eighty thousand degrees below zero out there!”

Hyrule sniffled with a chuckle. “It’s not that bad. Was your last travel assignment at a beach or something?”

“No, it was somewhere where people didn’t hike just as winter’s moving in,” Legend fired back irritably before remembering he was supposed to be helping right now.

Well, you know what, being here is helping. So there.

He needed to drink more of his energy drink.

Legend’s next great discovery was that the hiking trail in question was blessedly short, much to his relief, but made up for its lack of mileage in a steep gradient that was fairly equivalent to rock climbing.

“You said hiking, not mountaineering,” he noted as he crawled on all fours to get over some rocks on the trail.

“Don’t worry, this means we’re almost at the top!”

Hyrule was correct in his assessment, allowing Legend to finally catch his breath and to freeze in place at the view.

The valley was littered with color, duller now that winter was beginning its long hold on the land, but notable nonetheless. Browns, oranges, yellows, reds, greens all intermingled like paint mixed on a canvas, contrasted against an autumn blue sky, which was slowly staining gold and crimson with the oncoming descent of the sun.

“It’s nice, right?” Hyrule prompted as he glanced at his friend.

“Yeah,” Legend had to agree quietly. Then he remembered his purpose for this outing and felt his stomach twist. “So I got blankets and food and stuff, let’s sit down and chill.”

Hyrule cheerily agreed, and the pair settled with their feet hanging over the rocky edge of the mountain. The wind was still stupidly cold, but now Legend had blankets wrapped around him, and he was already warmed up from the exertion.

“Hey, so…”—great heavens above he sucked at this—“Um. About that call last night. You… uh, you wanna talk about it?”

“What was the verdict?” Hyrule asked. “He still alive?”

“He was when I left, though I doubt it’ll last. Massive head bleed and skull fragments in the brain. Anything he could break was broken in some way or another.”

Hyrule hummed. “Figured.”

“They found out how it happened, though,” Legend noted.

“Was it a hit and run?”

“Nope. Alcohol in his system, dude was having an argument with whoever was driving, they were going 55mph and this guy decided he was going to end the argument but stepping out of the vehicle while it was going that fast.”

Hyrule stared. “He… did that to himself? And not SI, just like straight up—wow. We sure there weren’t drugs involved too?”

“Tox screen was negative for everything except EtOH.”

Hyrule huffed, leaning back and looking out again. “Wow.”

“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes,” Legend muttered, glaring at the scenery. The careless idiocy of the maneuver still got under his skin. They’d all worked damn hard to keep that moron alive.

And that’s what he was. A moron. Because life was precious and he’d literally tossed his out the window because of poor choices.

And now they had to pick up the pieces.

“So… you good?” Legend glanced hesitantly to his right. “I mean… that was a lot. Even in the hospital. I can’t imagine being the one scraping him off the pavement.”

Hyrule chuckled nervously now, shifting in place. “I mean, it was… a mess but yeah. I’m ok.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Great.”

The wind blew again, and Legend didn’t feel it, turning sharply to face his friend. “Okay but most people aren’t okay after that.”

Hyrule scrunched his nose. “Are you okay?”

“This isn’t about me!”

“You seem like you’re not okay.”

“Rulie for the love of G—”

“Hey, you said to Sky you wouldn’t swear like that.”

“Fine, for the love of all things holy, you can just not be okay with me!” Legend continued, waving his arm in a frustrated manner. Because he was frustrated, he was tired of everyone having to be okay with what they saw and dealt with, he was tired of the taboo behind being hurt and affected.

He wasn’t that affected by it, but people usually were!

“You want… me to be not okay with you…?” Hyrule repeated, clearly confused.

Damn it all he sucked at this.

Legend took a steadying breath, rubbing his face. “I want. You. To be okay. With not being okay. That call freaking sucked.”

Hyrule was silent for a long time after that, and Legend was again wondering why he’d thought any of this was a good idea. He took a swig out of his energy drink and looked away awkwardly.

“Do you ever wonder if it’s worth it?”

Legend glanced over at his friend to see him staring out at the valley below, eyes distant, shoulders slumped. The nurse sat up straighter, choosing his words carefully. “If what’s worth it?”

“All the effort we put into it. Like… we all knew that guy wasn’t going to make it.”

“He… might…” Legend lied helplessly.

Hyrule continued to look at the scenery before huffing and smiling. He closed his eyes, bowing his hand and leaning forward with his hands on his knees.

Legend reached out hesitantly, settling a hand on the teenager’s shoulder. Hyrule let out a shuddering sigh, and Legend squeezed his hand in support.

“It’s always worth it for the chance that they do,” Hyrule said softly. “But yeah… that call sucked.”

Legend bit his lip and nodded, offering silent support as the two huddled close against the wind. No more words were exchanged for the hour that they stayed there. No words were needed. But when Legend finally felt too frozen solid to sit there any longer, the gentle peace was finally broken.

“Okay, now you get to carry me down because my knees aren’t tolerating that rock climbing shit.”

Hyrule laughed, bubbly and joyful and free, face more radiant than the sunset, and Legend smiled.

They’d be alright.

[kangals]

kep report card, month 3! wild to think he's been with me for 3 months already:

food (drive, appetite, sensitivity): 🟢/🟡 eating 2200+ calories a day like a fucking maniac. is getting very annoying about countersurfing.

leash walking: 🟢 still doing really well, pulls a bit sometimes but re-adjusts with enough reminders

sleeping: 🟢 - tentatively giving this one a green, he seems to be doing better during the day about settling (even if he does nap very lightly). still great overnight.

crating: 🟢/🔴 - leaving this as is bc i haven't re-visited it. great at night, presumably still shit during the day but he'll get his big boy crate in next week and we'll re-visit how he does during the day.

potty training: 🟡 can hold it 10 hours overnight, 5-6 hours during the day no problem - EXCEPT in my living room. the ONLY potties inside in the last 2 months have been in my goddamn living room. i am getting ready to just rip out my entire rug until he gets the hell over it. annoying as fuck.

general training: 🟢 mensa student. too bad i suck.

manners: 🟡 countersurfs incessantly

grooming: 🟢/🟡 as long as there's food, he's good for whatever.

cars: 🟢 rides quietly and calmly

outings/socialization: 🟢 loves a good adventure

other dogs: 🟡 finally seems to have gotten over his urge to maul stellina, they play very nicely now and he rarely needs correction. did try to hump once or twice but stopped immediately when i scolded him. very friendly with other dogs, still barky and over-focused onthem but typical for a herding puppy.

other people: 🟢 BEFRIEND THE KEPPY

small animals: 🟢 polite with butters, chases but doesn't obsess over backyard critters and bugs

overall he's still a 🟢, and frankly if he could control himself in my fucking living room and countersurf like, 50% less i'd call him perfect. we'll be re-integrating the crate during the day now that the weather's heating up, we'll see how it goes - he will willingly nap in stellina's, and he's better about sleeping during the day, so hopefully he's not too obnoxious. as soon as he's housebroken and stops taking everything off of my counters he's fine to free roam, so this is on him at this point. will adolescence turn him into a little demon? find out next time!

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Daughter of the Rain and Snow

Concept: Around ten years after the events of Crooked Kingdom, 25-year-old Captain Inej Ghafa frees Maya Olsen from a pleasure house in Ketterdam. Maya is looking for revenge against the man who put her in her position, a man who she knows nothing about except his name: Kaz Brekker.

Tags: @wraith--2 @lunarthecorvus @just2bubbly @real-fragments7 @cartoon-clifford @origami-butterfly @lady-a-stuff @thelibraryofalexandriastillburns @inej-ghafa-deserves-the-world @thatdelusionalnerd

If anyone wants to be added let me know :)

Content Warnings: in more general terms I want to remind people to be aware of the nature of Kaz and Inej's experiences and relationship since even if I'm not directly addressing these things they tend to be implicit in any writing about them, but specifically to this chapter there's ptsd references, anxiety, violence references, blood, wounds, and fear of losing loved ones

Note: Oh my goodness we only have the epilogue left to go... this is insane I can't believe we've reached the end

AO3 link: Daughter of the Rain and Snow - Chapter 145 - She_posts_nerdy_stuff - Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo [Archive of Our Own]

Chapter 144 - Kaz

At least the Crow Club was back in working order. Beyond that things weren’t looking at their best. Kaz knew from Anika and Pim’s reports that the damage was mostly repaired and they’d reopened the closed wing a few months ago, but he also knew from the income reports Yara had been sending him  that they’d taken a hit. Her projections looked sunnier for next month, but Kaz wasn’t feeling particularly confident. There was a nervous energy about the Slat when he walked in, still as rowdy as it usually was in these early hours of the morning but with a slightly frantic edge. Kaz had known his extended absence would take a toll, but he’d tried to keep in control of what he could. 

“I assume there are rumours going round about -”

“Your mysterious disappearance? Yeah,” said Anika, “We’re treading water trynna cover up for you being missing,”

“Anyone get wise?”

“To the fact you weren’t here or to what you were actually up to?”

Kaz shot her an unamused glare. Clearly he needed to stop telling Anika up to 50% of the truth, because she was getting too good at picking up what the rest of it was. 

“I don’t think so,” she said, “Not with any proof you weren’t around. Few people here and there are convinced you’re dead,”

That didn’t particularly surprise him.

“Any attempts at territory grabs since you last wrote?”

“Liddies are still riled up, but nothing new except a pretty hollow looking threat from Black Tips,”

Kaz sighed. They weren’t staying in Ketterdam for long, he’d have to get through work quickly and make a few choice appearances if he could spare the time.

As far as Kaz and Inej knew, the plan was for them to drop in on Jesper and Wylan for the afternoon, then go to the house overnight whilst Nina stayed on the Geldstradt. They didn’t have the space to have her at the house by the harbour - especially when Alyssa was staying with them too - and anyway she would only be kept up all night by Sadja. But apparently Jesper and Wylan had other plans, as soon as they were through the door it was all but a demand they at least stay there the first night. They’d even set up a room for Alyssa upstairs, so she was close if Inej or Sadja needed her.

“How are you feeling?” Kaz had asked, watching Inej’s hand find the railing on the porch of the Hendriks house.

“I’m fine,”

Kaz shook his head, looking down at Sadja.

“Once you can talk I’m going to teach you to shout at your Mama every time she says that,” he told her, gently readjusting the sling in hopes of helping her settle.

Nina laughed.

Sadja had done well on the boat, Kaz thought, for a stubborn two month old who had never travelled further than the Grand Palace until a couple of weeks ago, but she hadn’t slept well last night and still didn’t seem to be interested in sleeping now.

“Kaz, really,” said Inej, shaking her head, “I’m okay. I’m just tired,”

Kaz nodded, but he and Nina had shared a brief glance. Inej rang the doorbell and Sadja immediately jutted out her bottom lip in indignation; for a moment Kaz thought she was going to cry but she settled again, still looking a little grumpy. He readjusted his cane so that he could remain balanced whilst he offered her his finger, and once she’d acknowledged it he gently rubbed his hand up and down her tiny tummy.

“Do you not like doorbells, Sadja?”

“I think it’s quite normal for babies not to like loud noises, Kaz,” said Nina, peering over the sling, “You’re okay, aren’t you Sadja? You’re a brave little muffin,”

“Brave little muffin?” asked Kaz.

“Hey, that is just about the highest compliment I’ve ever given anyone,”

“Well, you are brave aren’t you Sadja? You’re just like your Mama,”

She wriggled a little in the sling, as though she was trying to look up at him properly, and smiled. Kaz glowed. 

The door had barely been opened when they were met by the practically shouted words:

“Where’s my niece?”

“Well, hello to you too, Jesper,” said Inej, sharing his soft laugh.

She leaned into the arm he offered and he kissed her on the cheek, ushering her over the doorstep. Kaz followed, nodding at Jesper.

“Saints, I’ve missed you,” said Jesper, hugging Inej again.

“Oh, I’ve missed you too,”

Nina cleared her throat, glaring teasingly at Jesper. He threw an arm around her shoulders.

“I’ve missed you too, darling, obviously. And I guess I missed you Kaz,”

“Always with the compliments,”

Where’s Wylan?” asked Inej.

“Couldn’t get out of a meeting,” Jesper replied, shaking his head, “He won’t be long. Now, where’s this little Sadja you’ve been withholding from me?”

“Withholding-? She’s only been alive two months - and you were in Novyi Zem for one and a half of them,”

“Withholding,” Jesper repeated

Inej laughed. Kaz gently scooped Sadja out of her sling and into his arms, rocking her for a moment before he passed her to Inej so Jesper could lean over and greet her. He looked like he was about to burst with glee.

“Oh my goodness, you two she’s so beautiful. Aren’t you? Yes you are, yes you are,”

Jesper looked up at Kaz and Inej, grinning.

“She’s wonderful,”

“She most certainly is,” Kaz smiled, pushing the door to behind him before they walked together towards the living room, “It’s good to see you, Jes,”

“You too. And honestly you with a baby is quite possibly both the funniest and cutest thing I have ever seen, so thank you for that,”

Nina snorted. Kaz glared at them both. 

“And how are you?” Jesper had asked Inej, as they sat on the sofa together.

It was about twenty minutes later and Wylan had just got back, all apologies for being late and overjoyed to see them all again. He was now sitting in between Inej and Kiada with Sadja in his arms, smiling.

“Well, I haven’t slept in about two months,” Inej smiled, leaning her head onto Jesper’s shoulder, “But other than that I’m doing pretty well. How are you? - How was Novyi Zem?”

“I’m good, we’re all pretty good at the minute, actually. And Novyi Zem was lovely, good to see my Da, and everyone did a very good job,” he squeezed Aimee’s hand lightly, from where she was perching on the arm of the sofa next to him, “There were a few moments where we thought we’d have to come home early - that was always in the plan as an option, if anyone needed it - but we ended up staying the whole time,”

“How’s Colm?” asked Nina, leaning forwards to pick her coffee up from the table.

The conversation floated on, and Kaz had drifted in and out of paying attention to it as he kept his eyes on Sadja. She started wriggling uncomfortably and Wylan passed her back to Inej, then a moment passed before she started crying. 

“Is she alright?” asked Kaz.

“She’s just hungry,” said Inej, looking at Kaz in a way that meant calm down, she’s a baby, she’s going to cry, you do not need to worry as she stood up and gently rocked Sadja against her chest, whispering to her in Suli, “I’ll take her upstairs,”

At some point, Kaz wasn’t exactly sure how long it had been, it was only him, Nina, and Jesper still sitting in the living room. Focus had switched freely: the trip to Novyi Zem - two weeks with Colm followed by a month and a half through in Weddle and Shriftport, then another two weeks with Colm - Kiada had struggled with the boat, Aimee had struggled on the farm, Kiada has struggled in Weddle; news on the Ravkans and their new little prince and princess, twins about three months older than Sadja; Clemmie Boscht had started renting an apartment in the city and came to the house to share roast dinner with the family once a month; updates on something Kaz had forgotten to pay attention to as he was wondering how long Inej and Sadja had been gone and if he should go upstairs to find them. Now Nina was asking about wedding plans - the original date should have been last month, but it hadn’t been set in stone when Kaz and Inej first went to Ravka so Jesper and Wylan had decided to postpone and visit Jesper’s father instead of him coming out to them. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Jesper was saying, “Nothing will ever make up for the fact that Kaz Brekker got married before I did,”

Nina flopped against the back cushions of the sofa.

“Yeah, it’s a real blow to the ego isn’t it?”

“Aren’t you two just the height of comedy?” said Kaz drily.

“To be fair, Jes,” Nina added, “I think we were all surprised you weren’t the first to get married. I mean how long had you two known each other before you moved in, two months?”

“No, well I really only joke,” said Jesper, glancing briefly at the door and lowering his voice, “Wylan told me ages ago he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to get married, after everything with his parents he just kinda… lost faith in it,”

Jesper had told Kaz about it at the time. It was years ago, around the time of the Van Eck trial, and Wylan was having an unsurprisingly bad time of it. He said he’d burst into tears and told Jesper that it had been evil of him to trap him in a relationship that would never go anywhere, and that he could leave if he wanted to and Wylan would understand. Apparently Jesper had stared at him for almost a full minute, and then said:

“Wy, you’re seventeen,”

“Well, clearly,” Kaz had said, “You handled that well,”

“I helped him afterwards!” Jepser had cried defensively, “That was just my first thought,”

Now Kaz sat behind his desk at the Slat, flicking through the endless pile of papers laying in wait and watching the hands move on his timepiece. Almost five bells. He wanted to be back by six.

Sadja had woken up not long before three bells, screaming loud enough to bring the entire house down. Kaz fumbled in the dark, searching for his cane, before Inej turned on the gas lights and handed it to him, smiling and shaking her head. They sat next to each other on the side of the mattress as Sadja nursed, and for about half an hour afterwards Kaz was still rocking her slowly whilst Inej lowered the lights and lay back down. Sadja seemed on the verge of settling back to sleep and Kaz stood to return her to the cradle next to the bed, only for her to immediately start wailing again.

“Well I hope you’re not still hungry,” he said softly in Suli, giving her a gente bounce “I think Mama’s asleep,”

She flailed one of her tiny fists into the air and it whacked lightly against Kaz’s chest.

“Not bad form,” he told her, “But you need more strength behind it if you want to do real damage. We’ll work on that when you’re older. What can we do to help you sleep now though, hm?”

Sadja wriggled in his arm and Kaz moved to sit on one of the armchairs so he could set down his cane and support her more comfortably. 

“I don’t have anything new to read to you,” he said, “But I could tell you a story if you’d like,”

There was a pause broken only by Sadja’s impatient cries, before Inej’s soft voice came from the darkness on the other side of the room:

“You know the whole idea of us using one language each with her whilst she's still learning kind of depends on you speaking to her in Kerch, right?”

Kaz looked up.

“Inej? I thought you were asleep,”

“Kaz, if you think anyone could fall asleep through this then I have serious concerns about your hearing. And, again, you’re supposed to speak in Kerch,”

“I’m still not convinced that’s going to work,” he replied, “Isn’t she just going to hear us using both with each other anyway?”

Inej groaned.

“It’s three in the morning, Kaz, can we talk about this later?”

He laughed softly, nodding though he wasn’t sure if she’d see in the dark. He’d known that he needed to go to the Slat - the last word from Anika and Pim had been concerningly vague -  but he could stay here a little while yet, couldn’t he? What harm would it do, just to stay here for a little longer? He sighed.

“You need to go, don’t you?”

He didn’t know how she did that.

“It can wait until tomorrow,”

“You can’t,” said Inej, quietly, “Go on. I’ll get her settled, just don’t be long, okay?”

“Never,”

He really needed to stop watching the clock, or he wouldn’t get anything done and have to bully himself into staying longer. It was a good while past five bells when he left, ignoring the shouts for attention that followed him from the crowd. The Hendriks house was mostly still sleeping, though Wylan was unsurprisingly up and in the kitchen making coffee by the time Kaz arrived at six bells. Inej was awake but she was still upstairs, not long dressed and part way through brushing her hair when Kaz knocked softly on the door. She opened it slowly, pressing a finger to her lips as he slipped inside.

“Sadja’s asleep,”

Kaz stood over the cradle for a moment, watching her. She really was perfect. Inej appeared next to him, her arm slipping around his waist once he’d nodded confirmation. She leaned her head against his shoulder.

“She already looks like you,” she whispered.

Kaz shook his head.

“She’s beautiful. That’s all you,”

Inej shook her head then, her hand finding his and slipping beneath the rim so her fingers brushed his wrist. Kaz’s heart leapt, thinking of holding her on the floor almost a year ago, a knife in her gut and her blood soaking over both of them. He swallowed and she felt him tense, starting to pull away to give him space. His fingers tightened over hers, holding her to him. 

“We’ve not…” she hesitated, “We’ve not talked about a plan for where to live. For what to do next,”

Kaz had been avoiding the conversation, because he didn’t actually know what he was going to say. But it was a year ago when he couldn’t tell her everything he’d thought he should be able to say by now - 

Their happiness, together. In Kerch, in Ravka, they could move to the permafrost in Fjerda for all he cared. He would carve a life for her in the face of a mountain, if that was what she wanted.

- and so much had changed since then. He should be able to tell her that now. And he did.

Inej turned and leaned her face up towards his, glowing in the soft dancing light of dawn leaking through the window, her dark eyes shimmering. She lifted a hand up to cup his cheek, and slowly they leaned into each other. Their foreheads pressed against each other, Kaz’s hand slipped down Inej’s back, and their lips met in the warmth of spring and joy and a family that for so long Kaz had convinced himself he didn’t want, because he never thought he’d be able to find it. 

The entire world was golden.

[doonarose]

Hello fam,

Here's some TMI that I've spent the entire day spiraling over on the reddit chat but may as well therapize myself here too. Wait is therapize a real word... I did not know that.

Anyway - teaching week from absolute hell. Hours and hours and hours of on my feet labs and workshops. And then getting myself in a position where I had to mark prac write ups - 88 of them - in about 48 hours. Reckon it took me about 16 hours and it's mind numbing exasperating work because this is their first one - a quarter of them failed, some of them wrote the most incoherent bullshit...

That means my brain has been frazzled and fried since sometime Tuesday and by some oversight I neglected to put in my calendar that my parents were dropping their dog off at my house today to mind for a week. Probably because it's no big deal and not something I really need in my calendar.

Except I completely forgot. 100% out of my brain, gone, no idea it was happening until I got a text at 10.30 saying the dog had been dropped off and they were on their way to their airbnb where they've got a few nights away or whatever.

Now, worth noting, they did need to go into the house to drop the dog off, because this is the dog that, famously, escaped this same house a bit over a year ago, got smacked by a truck, was 50/50 on surviving for a long while, and cost them $6k to fix... so yeah, of course let yourselves in, dump the dog and lock the doggy door.

So a few things to know:

I live in a messy house at the best of times. Dishes in the sink, last night's plates still on the table, a bag of used tissues next to me on the couch, socks on the floor, etc. Like it's not gross rotting food or anything, but it's not the standard I like to show my parents (or anyone else). So that's a bit embarrassing.

Last night, because I pulled a 12 hour day of admin and prac marking, I fell into the too-often-fallen-into habit of having a decent slosh of vodka over ice with soda as soon as I got home at 8pm to turn my brain off so I could sleep before midnight. I left the half empty bottle of vodka on the table in the living room.

Also when I got home last night I took my bra off in the living room and left it draped across a chair.

Also, in a particularly lazy moment, I had left the eski full of water from almost two weeks ago sitting in the same spot in my kitchen which, yeah, okay, gross of me, but I intended to clean it up before anyone fucking saw it.

And you're probably reading this and thinking that it really isn't that bad so here's the real main source of mortification. Because I live alone and because no one would ever just drop in and because I've been busy and lazy and whatever. I also left my bright magenta sex toy besides the bathroom sink this morning. Where it had been since the morning before. Because that's a fine, logical place to leave it. And when I got the text I immediately remembered that because I saw it this morning when I was getting ready to go into work at 7.30 for an 8am zoom to the US, and kind of vaguely thought 'I should put that away' and then didn't. And didn't close the door to the bathroom because i only do that on hot days and it's been mild, finally, the last few days. And then when I got that text I tried to convince myself that my parents would have no reason to go into my bathroom, even though they would have obviously gone in the house and seen the above bad shit. And then I tried to convince myself that even if they had seen it, we would never speak of it and I would never know.

Anyway, I got home a half hour ago and my toilet door is fully closed, it's next to the bathroom door that remained fully open, magenta fucking rabbit in full view. I never, ever fully close the toilet door because it jams.

So anyway... may never wank again. Will, at some point, report on how I handle my face and soul next time I have to speak/see my parents.

If I die tonight, my COD will be mortification.

[mybatimblog]

my head feels like TV static

tw venting i am overwhelmed this is mostly a stream of consciousness and makes only half sense

i need to spill things somewhere i hope it helps

sirry this is kind of like real life stuff

i do not have anxiety in the diagnostic sense but there is so much in my body right now its going to pour out of my eyes and i'm worried i will drown in it

there is too much going on and not enough sleep to function i can either take my medication be productive and not sleep until four hours before my alarm or allow sleep instead of work

i can only pretend to be someone else for so long to keep my mood up i can only pretend for so long until i run out of fuel and it does not help much to pretend to be "Sammy Lawrence" or "Remus Lupin" or "Bucky barnes" before the character's instabilities actually make it hard to feel better and then i am back and so tired

i can pretend to be one of my own characters but they are pieces of me and it doesn't help much

the dopamine it gives me to spend time with stuff i like doesn't help my brain is moving too fast i feel like im spinning

books and paper and paint are so expensive i didnt get a textbook until yesterday because it took me two weeks to make the decision about whether i should risk a virus and get it for $20 or spend 50 dollars more just to rent it digitally and as for the art supplies i need to buy special paper? and the project is due sooner than id like

and food is so expensive i have food but not REAL food and I cannot eat cereal and popcorn forever but i have dishes to do and its either a drive to the less expensive grocery store or a 20 minute walk to the more expensive one

ive been trying to start a patreon but have no time to make content for the patreon

sunlight never reaches my window and my apartment is very dark but if I open my windows to let light in, people can see me so easily. my plants will die soon. i got a new plant recently as a reward for working so hard this summer and im afraid its going to die and im afraid that if this were a book and some student were reporting on it they'd relate my plant's health to mine and how i may be slowly falling apart

putting the light on helps a lot but not when we pay for electric and i have to think about how expensive it is to exist

i have been trying to pay my water bill for days and watching every drop i use because the other day my tap was on for 4 hours while i was away from home but the water lady has not emailed me back

i make list after list after list and its the same tasks that i still have to do them all

last night i tried to watch Fresh because i started it two days ago and sebastian stan is candy for the brain and i did not finish the movie but i had to pay for my enjoyment because the next day i feel like THIS and it is a punishment for trying to relax

when you look up how to deal with anxiety everything is things i cannot do except for breathe and breathing is not helping its all "sleep better" and "eat better" and "exercise" and "plan a time to worry"

i would like to melt but i have so much work to do

[sanddusted-wisteria]

A Builder, a Researcher, and a Rooftop, Ch. 14: Hypnagogia

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As soon as the builder got to the roof, blanket and rubber sheet in tow, they could already see that Qi was looking pretty rough. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes, almost looking like a second pair of glasses. He was slouched over his legs, arms crossed on his knees, the only support keeping him from wobbling and collapsing where he sat. His lips were drawn into a thin line, face taut from his sheer determination to stay awake. The dullness in his eyes betrayed his true bleariness.

“Are you…feeling okay?” the builder asked, afraid that forcing him to answer would finally drain the last of his body’s energy.

“I’ll be fine. I calculated that the effects of the caffeine from my last cup of tea should last for another 2 hours or so.”

The builder put their free hand on their hip. “…When was the last time you slept?”

“Approximately 50 hours ago.”

“What.”

“I was busy finishing the diagram you requested at the expedited rate we agreed on,” he said nonchalantly. “The extra data disks helped immensely, but I needed to forego some sleep in order for my mind to make breakthroughs at a faster rate. It’s ready, by the way. Should be in your mailbox in the morning.”

The builder felt a stone sink to their stomach. “W-When you said you could get it done two days faster…this was what you meant?!”

“Of course. How else did you think I could logically get a diagram done faster?”

They glanced away. “I…I didn’t think you’d be killing yourself to do it…”

“Well, I’m happy to report that I am still very much alive. You needn’t worry about me.”

“I should!” they shouted. “Pulling this many all-nighters isn’t good, Qi!”

They suddenly remembered the large roll under their arm. With a flick of their wrists, they unfurled both layers at once right next to Qi, causing him to flinch. With the blanket spread out, they flopped down. “Come on, lie down,” they said.

“Is this some underhanded tactic to make me sleep?” he grumbled, but laid down regardless.

“Mostly to prevent you from rolling off the roof, but if you sleep, you sleep, I guess.”

Qi only let out an indistinct mumble, and took his glasses off to rub at his puffy eyes.

“Y’know, if you’re all done with my diagram…why the hell are you here? You can sleep now, right?”

“I only got the diagram done a few hours ago. If I went to sleep, there would be no way for me to inform you that I’d be missing tonight. You would make the considerable walk over here and be confounded, then forced to make the walk back. That’s at least a 50-minute effort. Better that I be here to avoid the confusion.”

The builder let out a loud sigh. “Not this again… Why do you always do this to yourself?” they said, hoping the sharpness in their voice came off more pleading than accusatory. “You skip eating, you skip sleeping, you drink so much caffeine that it’s honestly a miracle that you’re still alive…and all just to stargaze or add even more work to your load or something. And why—” Their breath hitched as they felt a twist in their heart. “—why do you only do it when I’m involved somehow…?”

The instant the words left their mouth, the twist in their heart turned to ice, and they clamped their lips shut. Light, what a terrible thing for them to say. Were they really selfish enough to pretend like Qi was doing all of this just for their sake? Like they were the sole reason he would willingly put his well-being on the line? Were the ridiculous feelings building inside them for the past several weeks finally starting to rot their rationality away?

Qi sighed, somehow sounding even more exhausted than he looked. “Time.”

They frowned. “Huh?”

Qi lazily turned his eyes upward. “Think about it. Both of us are professionals that are critical to the well-being of society and work at the highest level. Time is our most precious resource. It determines how much we’re able to get done. How productive we can be. And yet…I take time away from you for all sorts of…frivolous matters.”

The builder’s brow only furrowed deeper. “You think…you’re wasting my time?”

“Yes,” Qi muttered. “Not only these nights, but also the food and the tea…and everything else. You invest so much of your time into these…trivialities. The least I can do in exchange is invest my own time for your sake.”

The builder felt their stomach sink. “‘Trivialities…’ Qi, I wanted to do those things for you. We don’t need to make it so…transactional.” They swallowed. “I…I care about you, you know? I don’t need you to ‘pay’ me every time I do something nice.”

Qi’s gaze flickered behind them. “But the—”

“It’s not like the telescope anymore,” they sighed. “That was months ago. I’ve already forgiven you for that. We’re in a different place now. Metaphorically.”

Qi was silent. His tired eyes cast downward.

The builder huffed. “Qi. Look at me. Listen.”

His gaze—dark within and without—met theirs again. They ignored the flutter in their chest and pressed on.

“You are not wasting my time. You never have. You never will.”

Qi’s gaze intensified as much as he could make it through the weariness. “You mean it?”

The builder nodded, a faint smile on their lips. “Of course.”

Qi kept steady for a moment, scrutinizing them. Then he relaxed, everything from eyes to shoulders to arms releasing their tension all at once. “That…is reassuring,” he murmured. Using what was definitely the last of his energy, he turned back to the stars. “I wish I could convey…just how much.” His voice trailed off into nothingness.

A minute passed. Or maybe twenty. The builder stared blankly up at the sky.

After some time soaking in the silence, they turned their head over towards Qi, only to be met with closed eyes. His head was tilted slack. Slow, steady breaths passed his slightly-parted lips.

They couldn’t help but smile softly at the peaceful look on his face. Finally.

They got up and gently folded their half of the blanket over Qi, making sure he’d be nice and cozy. They could go without it tonight.

Their gaze lingered a little longer, running over Qi’s sleeping form, illuminated by the soft moonlight. Their heart beat harder and faster, thudding in their eardrums. A part of them desperately urged them to move, growing more insistent by the second. But it wasn’t pushing them towards home.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the last bastion of resistance in their mind keeping them rooted in place crumbled away.

They leaned down, careful not to jostle him, and gently pressed their lips to his forehead.

“Good night, Qi,” they whispered as they pulled away. And then they left, heart racing and cheeks warm.

------------

Another day of hard work, as usual.

Qi was at his workbench, carefully sketching out the diagram for his latest design: a retractable set of treaded wheels for the in-progress Gungam Mobile Suit Mark III. If his calculations were correct (and they were), the Suit would be able to gain 200% extra mobility on more fluid sand surfaces without compromising the Suit’s iconic, stylish look.

As he finished writing down the materials list, the front door of the research center opened. Looking over, he saw the builder enter, bright and energetic as always. Qi felt his mood lighten. Excellent! The builder would be able to flawlessly construct the parts in a timely manner.

He thought he would move to pick up the diagram to show them, but his body simply turned towards them, his arms relaxed and slightly open.

The builder didn’t say a word, the smile on their face never faltering. They drew towards him and wrapped their arms tight around his waist. He instinctively pulled them in, savoring the warmth and the closeness. They laughed as he leaned deeper into their touch, the lovely sound reverberating through his entire being. He felt his face pull into a smile. It was always so easy to smile around the builder, wasn’t it? His talented, wonderful, and—

Wait, what?!

------------

Qi woke up to the sun beating down on his face. It was uncomfortably warm. At any other time, Qi would be asking himself how on earth he ended up falling asleep on the roof, wrapped up in the builder’s blanket, but right now he was still trying to parse what he’d seen just a moment ago. Or rather “seen,” he supposed. Dreams only simulate visual stimuli.

He unrolled himself from the blanket and slipped his glasses back on, relieved to feel the fresh air hit his body. He made no move to sit up, staring flat on his back up at the now bright blue sky. His mind was whirring. Never before had he had a dream quite like that. He could dream pretty vividly sometimes, but they all had fairly consistent elements. He ran through the list of significant ones from this dream in his head, determined to pick it apart.

The part where he was working: A given.

He was always working, after all.

Drawing up a diagram that he hasn’t thought up yet: Fairly frequent.

In fact, this was how he got a lot of his diagram ideas.

People showing up: Rare.

He hardly interacted with most people, and that was reflected in his dreams. Usually people who appear in his dreams have recently bothered him for one reason or another.

The builder showing up: Very rare.

Occasionally they appear, asking questions about a diagram or one of the many scientific concepts they have yet to understand. Perhaps a product of his mind attempting to work through a complex problem.

The builder…embracing him: ???

The builder never did anything so physically intimate with him before. They respected his personal space, which he appreciated.

Qi reciprocating the embrace: ???????

What on Earth would have driven him to do such a thing? Surely he would have protested, at least. But why…why did he enjoy it so much in the dream? Why did the builder elicit such a euphoric response in his dream-self? And for Science’s sake, why was his heart rate speeding up now that he was thinking about it?!

Qi smacked his forehead. Ugh. What the hell was happening to him? This was just the latest in the series of weird bodily sensations that started about a month or two ago, but somehow exponentially more severe than the rest. His heart rate was up without any obvious stress or physical effort, his mind was spinning faster than a centrifuge, and he wasn’t sure if the heat in his cheeks was coming from the sun or within. A new research idea: Figure out the cause behind these unusual physiological effects. Priority 1, since he could already tell that this was going to interfere with his other work.

He dropped his arm back onto the blanket. Oh, right. Their blanket. He should probably give it back. But seeing the builder now was…a bad idea. Why? Because it would interfere with his…newly found research topic. Of course.

He rolled the blanket and the rubber sheet up into a bundle. He could leave it near the door, so they could pick it up the next time they came over. And they would come over again. He knew that for a fact. The thought sent a shock through somewhere deep in his torso. He placed a hand over where it appeared to be.

Hm. He really needed to get to the bottom of this.

Qi went downstairs and opened his door. He quickly pulled out a spare chair, set the rolled-up blanket down on top, then turned around and headed back out.

Time to pay Dr. Fang a visit. If he was coming down with some kind of novel disease, he would know.

As he made his way down the street, a tiny part of him couldn't help but wonder: would it be better if this was a disease, or if it wasn’t?

His stomach churned at the thought. Because if it wasn’t…he was a little afraid of what it could truly be.

------------

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[purplesurveys]

1600

Are you going to be busy tomorrow? Not at all. I don’t have to report to work until January 4th, so the next week and a half is just gonna be filled with naps and maybe binge-watching sessions here and there. And 5x the coffee I would normally drink, hehe.

What was the last topic you read about on Wikipedia? The plot to Good Will Hunting. I was watching it earlier with my parents but it’s been a while since I last saw it, so I looked up the plot just so I knew what scenes are coming. Such a good fucking movie.

Have you ever donated money to Wikipedia? I haven’t.

Is your country part of the Commonwealth? It is not.

Around what time of the year do you start your Christmas shopping? I start in mid-November, then I kinda just work in weekly batches from there. For online orders I make sure all my orders are in a week before Christmas to give enough breathing room for shipping; but in the case of presents I can buy at the mall I usually save them for last and just brave the Dec 22-24 crowds lol.

Do you have blinds or curtains on your windows? I have these pull-down blinds that I want to replace with blackout curtains. But for now, they do the job.

What are the most common birds you'd see around your home? Just the maya. Sometimes I’ll spot crows and doves.

Did you sleep well last night? Very well. I passed out as soon as we got home; I got so little sleep in the last two days. But since yesterday was the last family gathering we had to go to, sleep felt so much sweeter knowing we didn’t have to go anywhere else and socialize for 8-12 hours anymore lol.

Did you live within walking distance of school when you were a kid? Not at all. My grade school/high school was in the upper part of the city, i.e. on top of a mountain; there was no way I could’ve walked to it. The Philippines also isn’t a very walkable city in general – you need cars to get to anywhere.

What board games did you play when you were growing up? Nothing too varied. Scrabble was a favorite.

Do you know any sign language? Just certain words here and there. I definitely can’t communicate fluently.

When was the last time you bought new clothes? What did you get? Last week. I was buying clothes for Hans when I ended up spotting this oversized fit t-shirt that I really liked, so I got that for myself too lol. What, other than books, do you have on your bookshelves? My room is in the middle of a renovation so I currently do not have a bookshelf, but the shelves on my TV stand (closest thing I’ve got to a bookshelf) are home to most of my K-pop merch. Do you ever watch streamers on Twitch? Nah. I tried getting into it a few times but the platform is just not for me. How close are your nearest neighbours? It’s just the house right next to ours. Healthy distance and we don’t have to worry about them overhearing our convos or being creeps, but it’s right next to ours nonetheless.

Has your house ever been broken into? How did you find out? No. That is one of my biggest fears.

What do you usually eat for breakfast? Iced coffee.

What's the first thing your hand touches if you reach to the left? My chair. Describe your favourite mug or cup. It’s just a bronze Starbucks cup. Nothing too special.

If you could teleport to any country right now for a holiday, what would it be? South Korea.

Are you overwhelmed right now? Naw, I’m as relaxed as relaxed can be. I’ve really needed this break.

Did you share a bedroom with someone when you were growing up? I shared a room with my entire family - parents, two siblings - until I was 10, which was when we moved out of our extended family’s duplex. My parents also attempted to have me and my sister share a room since our new house only had three rooms; eventually they just had the balcony rebuilt as an extra bedroom for my brother, while my sister and I got our own rooms.

Have you ever had anything dry cleaned? I don’t think so.

How many group chats are you in? Do you participate in them much? Must be anywhere in the 30-50 range. Filipinos love their group chats; we make one for pretty much anything that involves >2 people.

What's the best concert you ever went to? Paramore, 2018.

Do you like to watch subtitled movies? Yes. Everything I watch has to have subtitles, even if it’s in English. I fucking hate it when actors mumble and I end up missing sentences lol.

Are you still in touch with any of your exes? Gross. No.

How old were you when the first American Pie movie came out? 1.

Do you know how to change the oil in a car? What about a flat tyre? I don’t know how to do either. Which is why when we were hit with a flat tire on our way back to Manila last weekend, I only did what any Gen Z would do - post and smile with the said tire LOL What do you do for work? I work in public relations and work with several high-profile clients.

[inkskinned]

okay :)

i had gotten a dog, so the dog was a factor. dogs have to be the right size and shape. under 50 pounds. please see our restricted breeds list. he sleeps most of the time, a well-behaved menace. he's big because i'm single in the city and it gets dark here early - but i've had to trade that sense of safety for scrambling-for-housing.

cheerfully i report that i live in a hole! because humor, like vicks, soothes what-is-horrible. the windows are painted shut. the fridge sometimes just shuts off for no reason. there are only 2 working stove burners and they're not in the front. for some reason, rust is everywhere, no matter whether it makes sense for an area to rust. the door in the bathroom has a very badly-patched hole; white-yellow stark against the bad cherry vinyl.

okay. it's what i can afford. the pamphlet had said new england nepenthes(TM) apartments: a beautiful place to grow up. and yes, it's ground-floor, which isn't ideal. so we (my dog and i) have successfully secured the door with one of those big prybars that are 50 dollars. also i usually balance something heavy near any possible entrances - i want to be awake when they fall. you know, during the break-in.

for the first four months, i didn't notice. there had been so much to do in those four months. okay, our (okay, my, he doesn't pay rent) kitchen is literally four tiles wide and undivided from the other spaces. the dining room and office are also the living room (which is. also the kitchen). my bed is too big for the bedroom; i can either have it weirdly against the wall with a door (horrible) or i have to give up opening my closet all the way.

my mama raised me on martha stewart, so. it's quiet here, i love the location, and even if it's rundown, i can make it work. i buy peel-and-stick reusable wallpaper that has long lines to make it look like everything is taller. i move the plants around, trying to get them into the most sun. i put up shelves and hope that i'll have enough spackle later to cover up the worst mistakes i've made with the nail gun. and hey! the location. like the pamphlet said: a beautiful place to grow up.

it's in the middle of putting up our new wrought iron plant holders. i have adhd, time when i'm focused can pass ephemerally. oh shit, i realize. it's 9:30 in the evening. i am probably keeping people awake with all the drilling. fuck. my bad. i tilt an ear upstairs, waiting. nobody slamming the floor with a broom. nobody shouting. maybe quiet hours are at 10 and they're just waiting.

the holders are real wrought iron because my plants weigh a lot. i press the last one above my head, against the pilot holes. now i feel bad about the time. i should just wrap up this last one i'm attaching and then go to bed. if i wait, i'll forget in the morning. distracted, i look down to where i've left the screws on my desk (which is often also my dining room table and art station), and, as if the wall spat the screws out, the iron slips out of my grasp and cracks me hard against my nose before tumbling down to the floor.

fuck.

one of the worst things about living alone is when you get hurt. sparks jump in front of me. my eyes start tearing. fuck! i've broken my nose before, this feels like that. fuck fuck fuck. maybe it's not broken?

i have to hobble off the stool, trying to hold my nose while also not wanting to touch it. i do the first adult thing i can think of - call a bigger adult.

hey mama. i pant into the phone. no worries but how do i know if i broke my nose?

30 minutes later, we have decided it hurt but if i don't have a black eye, the nose is fine. it was already out of alignment anyway. i say the whole sordid story to her, and then i add i just feel bad i lost track of time, it's weird none of my neighbors complained.

as soon as i hang up, i hear the upstairs neighbors, with their quiet feet and soft, muffled voices. i hear people to the right and left of me. i hear them murmuring to each other. someone watches bad tv, i can hear the reality show music-to-dramatic-shouting.

i put ice on my face. i google nose break again just to be sure. i ask my dog if he thinks i look ugly, he responds by putting his three paws into the air and asking for a tummy rub. as part of our nightly ritual, i examine and worry about his amputation, even though it's completely healed up. i still do the physical therapy exercises with him. just in case. just to keep him warmed up.

later in bed, i am reaching to turn on gentle rain for white noise before i realize - huh. i think this evening is the first time i've ever actually heard anyone.

you ever have a thought that gets inside of you? i mean, yeah. of course you do, i guess all thoughts are inside you. but once in a while, don't you get one of those haha funny! thoughts that turns. bad. you know, when you've watched a scary movie and close the laptop and think it's not likely there's a killer in there, but have i ever really checked that deeply in the kitchen sink?

i was always the type to check. just in case. to put my mind at ease.

the thought is there when i wake up, like i'd had it for a while: i never actually see anyone coming and going.

the apartment complex is 12 buildings, staggered like spokes on a clock. i live in 6, the furthest from the road. we are spaced unevenly, but when i first saw it, i thought huh. what a nice quiet community. the grass is green and there are never any leaves. i've never seen someone come mow it. there are cars here, plenty. when was the last time you counted which cars are in the communal lot?

isn't it weird how you're always able to snag that one last spot?

i keep weird hours, is all. i laugh at the thought of it. there was a post on tumblr once that asked how long would it take you to realize the building was entirely empty. but it can't be empty, right? at night, when i can see into other people's apartments, i catch sight of the thousand ways other people decorate. blue LED lights or tapestries or nice curtains. so it is silly to think about that post, when i know other people are here. this is someone else's home.

i mention it to my sister when she comes over to help me move the couch purposelessly around before we both decide it was better where i'd originally had it. nobody, like, lives here. i say. it's weird. i've been here for five months, and i don't see anyone.

she shrugs. maybe it's too expensive for the area, or not really advertised enough. maybe most people my age keeping my hours don't like to live in apartments. who is to say.

after that, the shadows start. my dog and i go on our nighttime walk, and then i see the apartments come to life. the flickered silhouettes of them. the flash of tvs and laptops. the gauzy shape of others just-far-enough i can't quite make out their form. they walk away from the windows if i get close enough.

they must not know how to do it right. every third day, the animations repeat.

oh, i get it. i think. i'm living in a horror novel.

i'm cuban. my culture can be superstitious, yes. but it also means that i have been taught to keep my head on a swivel. we do not fuck with this shit. we do not oujia board the spirits for fun. we do not make a joke about the killer. we do not ever tempt fate, her ears are open-and-listening.

my lease is for one year. it's been five months, that's not that much longer. i can't afford to break it (or to move) at the moment. and, again, the dog factor. and i do love the location.

but once it is obvious, it is so obvious. i try to pay my rent by check just the once, but when i swing by the rental office, the whole floor of the building is dark. there is no cheerful team of realtors, only a single dark panel over door. due to unexpected circumstances, we are currently operating elsewhere. i go online and pay there instead.

no one here hosts parties. the mail truck never seems to come to any of the other buildings. my dog doesn't like going near certain places. i discover a 5-foot radius where my phone will always hang up on the person i'm talking with, even if i have service.

i watch carefully, while also pretending i am not watching. i check my mail, waiting for the electricity bill that never comes calling. in the front hall, amazon packages come with names too smudged for me to ever quite read. sanchez, maybe. then, to the same apartment a week later: tawny reed. it's different again the third week. i stop looking, feeling like i'm prying.

i mention how quiet it is here during the day to one of my bosses, and then the upstairs neighbor appears. her alarm goes off when mine does, almost like an echo. when i change my song, it takes her a few days to keep up. i had said something offhand about how i'm the only one with a dog. then, upstairs - the little patter of dog paws.

at night, i start seeing people on my dog walking route. they pace, insubstantial, something black at the end of their lead. their waving arms always bent at right angles, like they are figuring out how to navigate being 3D. i always wave back, cheerfully. i keep my headphones in. they are over there in the mist that-does-not-belong, and i am over here in the light-that-flickers-on-and-off. i do not need to make a scene about this. there are many reasons people might dissolve into nothing. it is not any of my business.

the upstairs girl smokes. i see her with her (pomeranian? poodle?) little rat-rabbit-dog (? dog in the loosest sense of the word), her legs up on the stoop. she always goes inside when i show up to our building, after giving me one of those straight side-to-side waves. i can never quite make out her features. she won't be there when i leave for our walk, but she'll be there when we get back, no matter how long my walk takes. she watching me, her eyes dark. she sits there, smoking, wearing galaxy-print leggings. the little dog running near her. (sometimes the dog is not there, until i look again, and it is. i must have just missed it, or maybe it was hiding under one of the trim little bushes. not my concern, whatever it is.)

i know she smokes, i can see the red glow and smell it on the air after. but there are no places to dispose of the butts and she never leaves behind any litter. so she must be careful with them, which i appreciate. cigarettes are bad for the environment. i am in no place to judge someone for their vices anyway. during the day, sometimes i hear her dog (a corgi? a terrier?) whine, this thin, reedy sound, like someone gasping for breath. like someone buried alive. a howl like dread. sometimes it even sounds human; garbled and anxious, bow wow wow warping into help help help.

but i'm sure my dog whines when i'm gone, too. i will not report her for this, because it's not her fault. and i don't want to get her in trouble. after all, we all love our dogs so much.

when i write a request for maintenance to help me with ants, i get a bounce-back error. three days later, we wake up, and a sea of dead ant bodies litter my carpet. an inch deep, they float on each other's backs, a black blanket.

i vacuum them up. i feel bad about their little ant souls. i tell them i am sorry. i will light a candle. i tell myself - this is no different than calling an exterminator. to remove yourself from the process is an act of careful self-duplicity - we would have been killing the ants another way, and just anticipating someone else handle the transaction.

how do i call someone about this? i cannot break the lease because i think the others here are ghosts. or my other theory: maybe the whole thing is a carnivore, and i am in the belly, already beginning to rot.

we cannot afford to move, it's only been six months. the heat and the lights stay on. i never invite others over. it feels wrong. we are alone here, the way we should be alone here. this is our place, for me and my dog and the rest of us. we are supposed to be here. we are supposed to live here, in this little hole-in-the-ground apartment.

we are not under any form of threat, anyway. i light candles and say the prayers our father taught us. we keep our distance from the mist ones, and adopt their way of waving, side-to-side. it is starting to look less like a wave and more like beckoning. come on, come on. something keeps us locking our door. we put up more wrought iron, even after it hit us so hard-on-the-face, which wasn't fun, and was very mean. maybe we should take it down - except i know it was so much effort to put up. oh the tub leaks and the freezer has begin to lock while it's shut. our boss says we look pale these days. we blame insomnia. it's just that it's so quiet here, sometimes. we like to make ourselves go very-quiet too, like a mouse. and then we turn that horrible white-noise machine on. we are so strange; we push salt down the drains and into our doorways, which is a waste and a bad thing to do. we do not look into the electricity problem. we fix the lightbulb without complaint. we do not send in new notices to maintenance, even when the rust on the walls starts running. we get fabulosa and scrub everything. we do not make a fuss. when our neighbors that have-no-jaw open the door for us, we keep our eyes on our dog and say thank you! and make polite small-talk. when they garble their responses let your welcome out, (no throat but the sound's so loud?)-we say haha yeah and scoot by the cold spot. we help others get their groceries out of the car even though the bags smell rotten. we do not use the basement laundry room with the single pale yellow lightbulb, even though it is so friendly and warm and free; we drive elsewhere for that, which might be lazy of me. whenever we leave, we take our dog, even though he would be fine alone, surrounded by the strange creep of rust. we are kind, and not frenzied. isn't that strange? shouldn't we be frenzied? there have been so many odd things here, shouldn't we be reacting? instead we sit in our apartment and say, casually - oh, i'm fine. how fun! how interesting. are we waiting for something? if we're waiting, which of us is hiding and which of us is hunting? we count our days on the lease - six months left! we can grow to enjoy it here. it has its quirks, but hey. sometimes staying for the location is reason-enough.

and we love it here. it's a beautiful place to grow up.

i've seen enough horror movies starring upper-middle-income white families stuck in spacious haunted mansions. gimme stories about millennials stuck in haunted studio apartments. consider the realism:

why is this protagonist staying in an obviously haunted building despite the glaring warning signs? because a week at a motel would send them spiraling into credit card debt, they'll take their chances with the vengeful spirits. why did they chose this apartment complex to begin with, despite the many many unexplained mysterious deaths that show up on the first page of a google search? hon some of us don't have the credit score to move away from high (paranormal) crime areas. how could i be so careless as to sign a soul-binding contract with a demonic entity? bitch they're called LANDLORDS

[wcters]

𝗣𝗔𝗦𝗦𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗠𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗦

pairing: nate fick x fem!reader

word count: 1.4k+

summary: you and nate hated not being able to act like a couple sometimes, but you never broke the rules . . . at least you tried not to

warnings: established relationship, angst, weapons, swearing, sexual innuendos, some outdated wording, war, war language, wounds, blood, violence, etc | this is based on the fictional characters from the series generation kill, not the actual war veterans. this is no way intended to hurt or disrespect the veterans

You knew what you were signing up for when you joined the marines: stress, rough work, misogyny, mostly men, and passing moments.

You had met Nate Fick when you were a teenager. You had met in high school through mutual friends and you had clicked. Soon enough he got the courage to ask you out and it's been the same ever since. You'd been through everything together. You'd graduated together, you moved with him to Dartmouth College, and signed up for the marines together. Seemed fit that you were stationed together.

You felt good knowing you were fighting for a good cause, but you never thought it would be this hard. Yes, you see and work with him everyday, but you don't get to kiss him, hug him - even hold his hand. Sometimes, when you both managed to sneak away, you'd get some time to catch up and act like a couple, but after that it's back to coworkers. You hated that, but you never broke the rules.

The sound of the Humvee's engine lulled you into a sense of calm. It never really was calm, but it did feel nice being in the one place you recognized. Ray was rambling about something stupid while Brad looked like he was just about ready to shoot him. Trombley was with the gun, probably tired of Ray's rambling too, and the reporter was asleep beside you.

"How much ripped fuel have you ingested?" Brad's voice broke you from your trance. You snorted, "too much. He's going to be shorting out pills." Ray laughed, lack of sleep clear, "I'm on it like a motherfucker Brad! At this point, I think my whole stomach is those fucking pills!" You looked to Evan and rolled your eyes. "No more of that shit." Brad told Ray. "Yeah, you'll overdose. Even though that would be great, we need a driver."

Ray started ranting again while you got into the least neck-breaking position you could and tired to fall asleep. You had gotten used to his insane rambles and it lulled you to sleep.

When you finally work up, the sun was out and you were still in the vehicle. "Y/n, you're finally awake after 50 fucking hours." Brad said as he saw you sit up. "Damn, I thought you were dead. I wanted to put Rudy in your place so I could see his beautiful gay face every time I looked back there instead of your hideous one." Ray added, looking at you through the mirror.

“Hideous? Wow Ray, that's a big word. I didn't know you knew words like that, let alone speak anything other than the simplest terms out there." Before he could rebuttal, Brad was on the radio. "Hitman Two, this is Two One. Do you want my victor to provide overwatch on the northeast corner of the M.S.R?" "Roger that. This is Hitman Two. All Hitman Victors align of Two One." Nate's  voice was heard through the radio and you smiled when you heard it.

“We're not done this conversation you bitch." Ray pointed at your reflection. You just posted back.

Your Humvee pulled into the group of cars and it stopped. You opened the door and got out, stretching your arms and legs as you did so. You had seen Nate when you passed by so you made it your mission to find him. Right when you got close, you heard the sound of tires on cement. You turned your head towards the sound and saw two white trucks coming towards you.

“Sir, I observe men with A.K.S. They're in the lead vehicle." Rudy explained as you leaned down with your gun out. "Hitman, this is Hitman Two. We have two victors with armed Iraqis approaching. How copy?" Nate spoke into the radio. "Hitman, solid copy." "Hitman, I am seeing armed Iraqis in civilian clothes in white pickups marked with red diamonds."

“We should smoke 'em, sir!" Someone called out from behind you. You did a slight chuckle. Only a marine would be this desperate. "Hitman Two, this is Hitman. Interrogative. Can you . . . Can you wave them off? Over." A voice replied back. You looked to Rudy in front of you and raised your eyebrow. He did the same. "Hitman, this is Two. These are armed Iraqis in marked Victors with weapons pointed at us. Over." Nate was persistent with what he was saying and probably thought the same thing as you and everyone else did.

“R.O.E. States uniformed soldiers only, and they should be firing at us." This time, you turned back around to look at Nate and made eye contact with him. "This is Two. I'm requesting to at least snatch one victor, find out who these guys are. Over." "Negative. Wave 'em off." "Hitman out."

A couple of voices rang out saying things like "this sucks!" and "what the fuck?" until it was silenced with the sound of A.K going off. You stayed still while the marines shot at them while they drove off, and didn't realize anything was wrong until there was a hand on your shoulder. "You okay, y/n? You haven't moved." Right when you turned to face Nate you felt the pain in your side and groaned. You dropped your gun on the ground and instinctively put your hand to you side, then pulled it off. Red.

Nate must've realized this too as he caught you before you fell backwards. He sat down and pulled your head into his lap, his hand going to where your bullet hole was. "Corpsman! Shit, shit, shit. Corpsman!" You moaned in pain as he hand pressed harder and his yelling caused a headache. "I know honey, I know it hurts." You mumbled out a Nate as you started getting delirious. He slapped you cheek lightly to keep you awake. When your vision was clear for a couple seconds, you saw Doc Bryan.

“Hey y/n. You doing okay?" He asked as he grabbed a bandage from his bag. "Great." You joked with slurred speech. That was the last thing you said before you passed out. While you were out, Nate was worried. Probably the most anxious he had been in his entire life, but he managed to compose himself and lead his group. He watched as you were taken away in a stretcher to the Doc's Humvee.

Nate didn't see or hear from you again for a week or two, which felt like forever. He hated not knowing how you were. Doc Bryan had assured him that you would be fine, that it wasn't too bad, but Nate being your boyfriend worried no matter what the man said.

He was sitting and talking to Brad while the mail had finally arrived. He didn't really expect anything, and was surprised when one was dropped on his lap. He picked it up and noticed the handwriting on the front. It was yours.

"Y/n?" Brad asked him. "Yeah. At least I think so. That's her handwriting." Nate replied. Brad patted him on the back and got up. "Well, if you right her back let her know we miss her. And that we need her back to get Ray to shut the fuck up." Nate laughed at that and began to open the letter.

"Dear Nathan,

It's me. I think you would've figured that out from the handwriting on the front. Sorry I couldn't write you sooner, I've been in the hospital and haven't been able to get stamps. I'm doing good. It hurts, but doesn't hurt more than being away from your stupid face.

As much as I hate to say it, I miss Ray's stupid rambling about how pussy would solve the war and Brad's hate for country music. Hope they're doing well, and hope Brad can get Ray to shut the fuck up.

I also hate to say I miss out passing moments. They kept me sane out there. They were what I was waiting for everyday. I miss your touch, your smell, your face.

I've been wearing your shirts to bed. They still smell like you, without sweat and dirt. It feels weird being home, especially without you. I've been keeping up with the news and it's sounding like it'll end in the next couple months. I don't think I'll be able to come back. I'll keep writing you though, and when you get internet, maybe send you something else.

Don't let your hair out too long, and don't get shot. Who else is going to keep those stupid fucknuts in line.

Love you,

Y/n.”

He smiled and closed the letter, shoving it in his pocket. God he couldn't wait to see you, in real life, or in a picture that he would make good use of.

[nathank77]

5/26/24

6:50 a.m

I took my half mg of xanax and 25mg of Hydroxyzine a hour ago I'm going to play solitaire and try to sleep soon.

So I did the UFO ending and I did the Silent Hill 2 Maria Sub Scenario cause I never game anymore.. the hallucination is on my last nerve... which is why I don't game anymore but at least I played over 6 hours today to make up for prob a week of not touching a game system.

Tomorrow I'll have another red bull day and play some Silent Hill game with my HDCP bypasser. I figured out the trick. I got to pull the power from hdmi splitter not the bypasser right as it connects. It takes a few tries but I can replicate it in a minute or 2 maximum. So this could feasibly work long term. I tested it many times today.

Tomorrow besides for gaming, I got to shower, clean my ac filter, and re mouse repellant my room and drawers. It's been working. Now that my freon poisoning fear is gone I'm worried I'll have a freon leak in my car and I'll get poisoned lol I guess I'll worry about that Tuesday when I go to to Firestone for my oil change... if it blow hot air or clicks are things I got to look for... I can't open the window in my car bc the motor is broken I got to pull up the windows with my hands. I can only crack it a little..

My Ray-Bans have been comfortable, my eyes haven't been straining so maybe they work better than the Arons or maybe it's that I've been looking at the guide reading on my phone as I gamed. So I didn't have prolonged staring at my tv. I mean I did but there was a lot of looking back and forth also between my computer as well.

Although they started squeezing the back of my head behind my ears after about 10 hours of wear but that's normal for them... the arons are more comfortable but I got to give these Ray-Bans a chance when I watch TV all day with no switching to heavy phone and computer time. My eyes could be straining cause of dry eyes from looking at my tv all day. Idk.

My mouth is little dry I don't like it but I mean I sleep with my mouth open most nights and it could be allergies or not drinking enough water or a medication side effect. I drink at least 1 bottle a day but I should prob do better than that. It's not a chronic problem so I wont freak out about it atm. It could also be psychosis or my tooth paste i assume. I'm thinking water. And sleeping with my mouth open more than anything. It's not that dry but psychosis always focuses on my gums and teeth bc I freak out about it bc I can't slow down on smoking.. and tactiles are a real thing for me.

I feel like a ghost. I'm upset she won't talk to me. I'm starting to think maybe just maybe she is waiting for me to find someone else. Or maybe she thinks I'm crazy... I mean I'm not going to find anyone anytime soon. And I mean if it's the crazy thing that's a crap shot cause I'm not getting better despite trying...

I'm still worried about the Kristen Report wondering if they are going to take my case waiting for the status report. So yeah.

I decided to respond to the big girl. I'll waste our time... I'll see her body reveal and then slowly filter her out. I mean I got to tell her I don't like glasses cause I mean if she happens to be one of those girls who thinks she's fat cause of society the glasses still are a deal breaker for me. Not to mention I don't like her face at all but whatever. I got to take what I can get.

Elise is in love with her husband. I'm alone af. And I got to take what I can get at this point.

So yea. By the time she shows up if she ever does I mean cool you've waited so long at this point I mean I don't hate you but I don't like you that much despite my feelings. It's a weird in between feeling. I'm in love with you but you treat me like I'm a ghost. Like I'm dead to you. I deserve better. A better friend and most certainly a better potential lover. If there are signals to be read it's fucking confusing.

1) you're sad and you love him and you can't talk to me bc of my feelings 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

2) you love me and you want me to be well aware of the fact that your husband exists and you're dealing with it...

3) You think I'm crazy and you're protecting yourself 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Watch me bleed. Do nothing. Show your true colors. Your only excuse is you're in love with me and you're going to divorce him. Otherwise you're a shitty person. Cause I could put my feelings aside. And you could be a friend.

Maybe shape shift by silverstein does fit. Maybe it's not lost positives by silverstein.

Id be happy to be your friend but if you're waiting for me to find someone. It's going to be YEARS. YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS. I got too many flaws. The cat allergy alone will make sure I'm single for at least 2 years.

And if you think I'm crazy you're the worst thing that ever happened to me cause listen to wake up by silverstein. "I went to hell and the devil never looked my way" I have psychosis.. I'm not crazy and my intentions with you are 10000% Pure and good hearted regardless of the capacity. But yea I think about you 24/7 and I feel invisible to you.

Idk if youd even go to my funeral when I give up fighting psychosis bc of a "conflict of interest" or if youd even visit my grave at this point. It's happening regardless of you. But you got to know you're fucking confusing. And you make me feel like shit. Like i never mattered and at this point im trying to accept that I read you wrong. That the eye contact was something you do with everyone and anyone.

Cause if it isn't love, it's Nathan's crazy or it's Nathan needs to find a girl and idc if it takes him YEARS. Even though he is suffering and he has no one and is planning his suicide. Regardless of if I show up but maybe if someone showed up for me and showed me kindness and a healthy relationship it could help a little. I wouldn't kill myself over you or anyone at that rate.... I'm killing myself bc auditory hallucinations are LIFE RUINING.

But I mean maybe it's that I'm a client to you. I doubt it but I mean at this point I can't keep making excuses for you.

I remember your eyes but time and silence say a lot.

[pierce-04]

Thank you all!

I cannot write it all down, so I will just start from the turning point. Around 4 months back, I was diagnosed with an osteoclastoma (giant cell bone tumor). Well, what can I say about my unpredictable life? It was a luck-by-chance diagnosis. I mean, this was the last thing I expected when I started complaining about my knee pain. We didn't know what kind of tumor it was for a month or so. My mom had brain cancer, so you can guess how long that one month was for me. We sought many opinions; my dad searched through Google like a maniac. And then, the day arrived with the truth: I found out that my tumor is benign. That was a relief for my family and me. Now, the next challenge was the line of treatment. Well, it turned out that surgery was the only option right now.

I had the longest night the day before my surgery. Had to go through a lot of tests before the operation. I couldn't sleep and was prohibited from eating or drinking for at least 12 hours prior to the surgery. I was mentally prepared for everything. It's my dream to be a surgeon one day, so entering an operating theater was kind of a thrill for me. My doctors were quite amazing and cool. Trust me when I say if there is anyone who can completely comfort you during such times, it's your doctor. You have to trust them and let them do their magic. So, let's come back to the day I waited for. My dad was my ray of positivity that day. We somehow compiled our strength together and distributed it among ourselves equally. He had tears in his eyes; I think it was more difficult for him than it was for me. I mean, come on, watching your little girl go through something like this takes a lot of guts, but he was strong for me.

As I entered the room saying, see you soon papa. The doors behind me closed. I was fascinated more than scared to look at those huge machines and needles and lights. I kept talking to my doctors about the procedures and the instruments they were going to use. Like I said you have to trust your doctor which I definitely did so it kept me out of stress.

Let me give you a little about the procedure. When it comes to bone tumors like this, there is usually curettage and bone drafting. Curettage is the removal of the affected bone using a curette and bone grafting calls for the filling that space created after curettage with a bone graft or an implant. A graft was prepared from my pelvic floor and then placed in my femur.

I was out of the room after 4 to 5 hours and for about one hour under observation. The anesthesia worked for quite a while. I was really proud of myself to get over with this and God my dad was so happy. Well, the next challenge starts right from here.

I was instructed not to put my operated leg on the floor for about 1.5 months to prevent major fractures. As and when the effects of anesthesia ran down the meter of pain ran high. Oh, it was horrible. Had many sleepless nights and days of breaking down. I cannot write down about the pain I felt all those months. The trouble was still not over, there were still a 50% chance of a recurrence or a malignant growth.

I have always liked a maintained body, but this bed rest just changed me completely. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I just hated it. I had a few follow-ups, and my reports were quite impressive. Had my stitches removed after a month of surgery.

Another challenge, every time I watched those scars, I cried. I cried because I didn't want them. I stopped getting dressed for functions, refused to click photos. I hated my body and myself. Having someone do all my work irritated me. From brushing to sitting straight, I needed help. I felt like a burden, a hopeless and helpless person. My sleepless nights got into a lot of overthinking. My career path was kept on hold. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't do anything I enjoyed doing. Just wait for my medicine hours to take them and fall asleep for hours to avoid all this.

There were times I felt that maybe this will never end, maybe I deserved all this, maybe it was all my fault. Months passed by staring at the ceiling and waiting for the day to hear it's over now. I didn't want to talk to anyone at times. I was against having a good time. I wanted to be left alone and feel this pain and think, "Why me?" There was unnecessary anger and frustration and no one to blame it on but myself.

Not only was the physical pain eating me up, but the mental disturbance ate me up equally. Watching my legs made me want to chop them off. I just wanted to feel them again and run. I wanted to wake up and think it all to be a nightmare. There was a sudden rush of pain when I would wake up from sleep; at some time, I didn't want to sleep as waking up would be painful. Talking for more than 15 minutes would make me restless. There was no routine, just getting up, eating, taking medicines, crying, and sleeping. I was off track in life.

Today I am standing on both my feet and under physiotherapy for a quick recovery. Therapy too is a headache but it's all worth it. It feels so great to write all this down with a smile on my face. I passed the most difficult exam of my life. Only blessings, prayers, and an ounce of hope got me through all this.

All this taught me a lot. I am grateful for this life and everything in it. Now I know that it's not only about achieving your goals and becoming something. It's about appreciating, it's about loving, it's about living and enjoying. It's about everything but quitting.

I love my body more than I used to. I am proud of having these scars as they are the sign of struggling, of hope, of light in the darkness. Now I know I am strong and capable enough to face anything. I don't need armors to be protected.

Thank you, doctors. Thank you, dad. Thank you, my family. And thank you all.

[kenobster]

honestly I wouldn’t put too much stock in follower counts and activity pages. obviously we have no idea how many followers users have but I’d wager it’s around 50 for most people, and depending on how long you��ve been on here, a good chunk of them might be inactive or lurkers.

furthermore, this used to be the reblogging things site, which has since been plagued with likes only. it’s like that for a lot of posts, big blog or otherwise. but the problem with that is, if no one reblogs things, there’s less opportunity for more notes in the first place.

the moral of this story is, do whatever you want and don’t worry about adding your voice on anything! the numbers do not matter at all

Thanks so much anon, that's very kind of you to say!!! I love every single one of my followers, even the inactive ones and even the scandalously dressed ladybots that I haven't reported & blocked yet. XD Like, I seem to be miscommunicating lately, and it feels like maybe I'm coming across as upset/stressed out/angry without meaning to? So I'm gonna take this chance to needlessly describe my activities for the last 24 to 48 hours to prove a point lmfao.

Yesterday morning, I was reintroducing my grumpy timid cat to a super friendly cat I will be cat-sitting for the next month or so, which was super fun and one of my special interests. After that, I was chillin with my fandom homies while we played Jackbox and heard each other's voices for the first time ever (voices that were audibly referencing Vader's Uterus lmfao so I was pretty ecstatic). After that, I played around with my INCREDIBLE Vader bop-it toy that I bought yesterday based on a friend's recommendation. My first Hasbro merch ever. :) I'm in love and I still can't believe it's a real thing that exists.

At that point, I checked Tumblr and... yeah, admittedly I panicked a little because I was a bit scared I'd soon get a bunch of angry asks screaming at me for being a meanyhead (to beat a horse dead, this is just a regular run-of-the-mill anxiety of having a fandom blog and it is absolutely nobody's fault). So I spent an hour or so chatting with a friend until I felt better and then I quickly made the post in question regarding my follower count so that, despite the bewildering attention Five Peggats Each has gotten, everyone would know the truth about my lack of influence lmao. (This is a compliment. From me to me. I like my lack of influence. I'm not fucking kidding lol. I actually have panic attacks sometimes about the idea of becoming internet famous. I literally don't want that lmao. Fifty to a hundred followers is an A+ amount imo, so it's about time I guess it's about time I start losing those pornbots lmfaoo.) Anyway, last night was probably the first time I've checked my follower count in the entire history of this blog tbh. So like, you're being super sweet, anon, and I'm hoping other people will see this too because it's absolutely true and I think your words would be very encouraging and reassuring to anyone who sees this!! But I promise you that my activity log statistics and teh amount of followers I have are not things I spend time thinking about.

Once that was all taken care of, I wrote/edited a little bit for my fic for QuinObi week (SO EXCITED! Literally just a few more days!). Then at around 4am, I woke up with middle-of-the-night epiphanies on how to phrase a couple things/finish/tidy up my thoughts for that Fox opinions post, and I lay in bed working on that for an hour or so. After that, I went back to sleep, woke up, chatted with the fandom homies again, and then, ever since, I've been playing a video game I've been dying to play all week. Until about an hour ago, I literally had no idea what may or may not have been going down on Tumblr, and I wasn't thinking about it at all. And now that I've enjoyed myself on Tumblr for the day, I'm probably gonna invite my mom up tonight so she can spend time with the cats while I use her as a captive audience to talk about Vader's Uterus lmfao. And then at about 10pm, I'm gonna head bed because I work for a living and I forgot to ask if I get the holiday off.

All of this to say I am fine!! I'm just chilling, living my life, doing my own thing. For me, Tumblr is like a fun thing to check out every once in a while, the same way I spent time playing my video game, enjoying my Vader bop-it toy, hoarsing around with the cats, or anything else that strikes my fancy. Kidney stones and abusive ex-bosses are the things I worry about, not like.... a pixelated number on a screen lmao. In other words, this is a hobby to me, not a livelihood, and if I wasn't enjoying my time here, I literally would not log on (and sometimes I don't log on! For days and days at a time. Because I'm enjoying other things more!)

But anyway, I will say that the thing that makes it the most fun for me here? People like you!! Who send me asks. Who share their thoughts on my posts. Who became friends that give me the confidence to make the posts that I wanna make. Who have other fun lil interactions with me. So (1) Please don't worry about me. I'm fully medicated, my back is sore, and I'm too old to be upset over fandom things lmao. And (2) I really cannot thank you and everyone who makes my fandom experience so enjoyable!!! :D Y'all are great and I'm thrilled to be able to have fun here. I'm living my best life.

[productsreviewings]

Darkness swirls. The bushy legs of a tarantula crawl throughout your face. A slithering snake encircles your legs. Fins circle you, slowly getting nearer and nearer as you tread deep, murky water. Your tooth fall out of your mouth in a bathe of enamel. You are standing in entrance of an enormous crowd in nothing however your underwear...You get up. Sweat covers your face, your coronary heart thumps loudly in the dead of night of your room, and your disoriented senses scramble for equilibrium. You are OK. You are protected. It was solely a nightmare.The stuff of nightmaresNightmares can break your entire evening. They're invasive – vivid, terrifying goals that condemn us to a late-night purgatory, half-asleep and shaken within the darkness. Terror and panic are widespread associates to the nightmare-plagued mind, which may linger because the thoughts reconciles its horrible dream expertise with the sudden return to actuality.It is not unusual. Based on Sleep Schooling, an estimated 50% to 85% of US adults report having occasional nightmares, with as much as 5% of the US experiencing common nightmares on account of nightmare dysfunction. For the latter camp, constant nocturnal episodes are a sort of parasomnia, or disruptive sleep problem. From sleep paralysis by way of to sleepwalking, parasomnias can have a way more critical impact on sleep high quality and waking life.However when these nightmares begin to sabotage your high quality of sleep and plague your thoughts inside your waking hours, that is when there's trigger for concern. For over 10 years, psychology pupil Gemma Simpson has skilled disruptive nightmares that routinely have an effect on her sleep and day-to-day life. "Sleep is at all times worse straight after a nightmare," she stated. "They're at all times vivid, so I are inclined to marinate on them unintentionally over the subsequent few days till the trauma fades a bit."She describes her nightmares as hardly ever sensical and largely traumatic, with violence and graphic experiences the norm. It may be extremely confronting subject material."I had a dream as soon as that my dad beat me with an aluminum baseball bat in an artwork gallery," she stated. "The artwork gallery bit was very particular and unusual. … I've additionally had nightmares about sexual assault and violence."As a psychology pupil, Simpson is effectively accustomed to Freud's idea of goals, whereby they signify unconscious wishes and emotions that the mind must course of. "All of your reminiscence consolidation occurs in your sleep," she stated. "I feel it is almost certainly that the times I've nightmares I'd have seen one thing that alerted me of my traumas, even when I hadn't given it a second thought on the time. Based on sleep psychologist Dan Ford of Auckland's Higher Sleep Clinic, attempting to interpret goals as soon as you've got woken up can solely be useful if it makes you're feeling comforted. "The final interpretation is, one thing's not fairly proper, and that is why you are getting nightmares, so I might most likely stick at that sort of degree," he stated. "As a result of what do you see with dreaming normally, proper? It is fairly nonsensical.""You could be spending your time on one thing that is not likely that necessary. If it is one thing repetitive associated to a trauma you've got been by way of, there's most likely no interpretation required."Doable nightmare triggersIn the event you solely get the occasional nightmare – perhaps as soon as a fortnight or so – it is normally pretty simple to pinpoint why. Widespread nightmare triggers embrace: StressUnhealthy sleep hygieneNervousnessThe adrenaline spike of a scary filmDiseases (particularly fever). What is definitely taking place in your mind?Based on CNET sister web site Healthline, the human mind typically cycles by way of 4 levels of sleep over the course of an evening. 4 levels of sleepThese levels are distinguished by totally different mind and physique exercise, and

signify the depth of sleep that the individual is experiencing – sometimes measured through an electroencephalogram, or EEG. Stage one consists of the mind and physique slowly settling into sleep – your coronary heart fee regulates, your system begins to calm and it usually lasts for as much as 5 minutes. Stage two is mild sleep, the place you've got settled however have not fairly sunk into the depth of sleep required to provoke tissue progress, system repairs and cell regeneration. Stage three is the deep sleep stage, referred to as gradual wave sleep. On this, the physique is totally relaxed, delta mind waves are current and there's no eye motion. Your physique regenerates cells, your immune system strengthens and your coronary heart fee is at its slowest. Stage 4 is what's referred to as speedy eye motion sleep, or REM sleep. It is right here that you simply're in a position to dream, together with your mind exercise escalating and your eyes transferring quickly. For most individuals, their limbs turn into paralyzed as they sleep.It sometimes takes as much as an hour and a half of sleep earlier than you agree into REM sleep, so though it might really feel such as you're dreaming as quickly as your head hits the pillow, you doubtless aren't. "For the typical individual on the market, which means nightmares will extra doubtless occur within the second half of the evening," stated Ford.Nightmares will solely happen in REM sleep, the place the thoughts is at its most energetic. In individuals who do not expertise the limb paralysis ingredient of stage 4, that is additionally after they would possibly sleepwalk or act out their goals – although that is admittedly extra uncommon. Others expertise the paralysis with out the sleeping half, which might be terrifying in its personal method."Primarily what we're doing is we're processing emotion," stated Ford, "What we're most likely seeing is somebody who's doubtlessly hyper aroused, so their arousal ranges or sympathetic nervous system is triggered or activated, and in order that's then bleeding into their sleep and into the nightmares."Nightmares versus evening terrorsAlthough comparable in identify, nightmares and evening terrors are usually not interchangeable experiences. Once I was a young person, I did loads of babysitting. One evening, I used to be overlaying a good friend's babysitting shift with a brand new household. The evening appeared wonderful, till they went to mattress. After forty minutes of sleep, the 9-year-old little one got here screaming out of the bed room with no warning. His eyes have been huge open, observing me intently as he continued to emit blood-curdling screams. Although it did not look like it, he was nonetheless asleep.What the mother and father hadn't warned me of earlier than they left was that their little one usually experiences evening terrors, that are distinctly separate from nightmares and are related to confusion, screaming and different vocalizations. "They're each parasomnias, nonetheless they occur in several phases of sleep," stated Ford. "So evening terrors typically will occur in non-dream sleep, or non-REM sleep, and nightmares will occur predominantly in REM sleep."Which means that evening terrors normally happen earlier within the sleep cycle. Evening terrors are predominantly skilled by kids between the ages of 4 and 12, and are normally one thing that kids merely develop out of. One of many key variations between nightmare issues and evening terrors is the dearth of recollection. In a sleeper who wakes from a foul dream, they will typically have an summary recollection of essentially the most notable options of their dream – perhaps a very scary determine or feeling – whereas these with evening terrors are inclined to get up not having any recollection of their expertise in any respect.In consequence, evening terrors might be way more distressing for these across the sleeper. For fogeys, listening to your little one scream in the course of the evening is the stuff horror films are made from.

Nightmare on each roadOne, two, Freddy's coming for you. On the earth of cinema, a nightmare is synonymous with hazard. From Nightmare on Elm Avenue by way of to the Boogeyman, these films haven't solely solidified their place in popular culture, however usually been focused because the reasoning behind real-world nightmares.Healthline means that in case you're vulnerable to internalizing delicate materials, you might not be one of the best candidate to look at horror movies due to the impact they might have in your sleep and psychological well being. However some folks completely adore the fun and worry of the style – so which is it, actually?From a psychological perspective, horror films and thrillers stimulate the manufacturing of adrenaline in a managed surroundings – one which rests within the fingers of the viewer to provoke, but additionally to place a cease to. "One of many standards for analysis is that the nightmare is a few form of risk to your bodily integrity. So in that sense, the nightmare content material may be very threatening to the individual having it," stated Ford. The problem is that with the appearance of higher know-how and results, the movies look extra sensible and threatening than ever earlier than – even after we're watching fantasy creatures like zombies and monsters.In the event you're somebody who experiences psychological well being considerations like anxiousness, melancholy and particularly PTSD, the expertise of viewing a horror movie can definitely contribute to your probabilities of having a nightmare. "I are inclined to avoid the horror movies the place it's folks doing the horror," stated Simpson. "If it is fantasy creatures then I am normally good, however as a common rule I do not actually watch horror due to the probability of nightmares.""My mind is like, 'I do know monsters and aliens (most likely) aren't actual,' so I can justify it, but when it is folks it is just a bit too sensible." Elizabeth Olsen stars in Marvel's Physician Unusual within the Multiverse of Insanity. MarvelWith that being the case, it is little surprise nightmares have cemented such a foundation in horror and thriller popular culture – the fight-or-flight reflex triggered by horror films is identical reflex we really feel after we awake from a nightmare that threatens our bodily integrity.However for a lot of, watching nightmares play out on movie, typically with a cheerful ending, can really feel like a safer, managed various. Probably the most comforting, if disconcerting, concepts of nightmares in popular culture comes from Marvel's Physician Unusual within the Multiverse of Insanity. The film posits that once you dream, you are experiencing a window into the life you lead in an alternate universe. In doing so, it suggests that each one goals and nightmares might be home windows into the multiverse – summary universes with totally different guidelines, experiences and modalities. Regardless of no scientific backing, the current multiverse pattern makes it a idea that gives some consolation. So, subsequent time you've got a extreme nightmare, take into account that perhaps someplace – in some universe – there is a model of you who's caught dealing with down a 12-foot tarantula whereas wearing your underwear. However it's not you. It is only a dream.  !function(f,b,e,v,n,t,s) if(f.fbq)return;n=f.fbq=function()n.callMethod? n.callMethod.apply(n,arguments):n.queue.push(arguments); if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n;n.push=n;n.loaded=!0;n.version='2.0'; n.queue=[];t=b.createElement(e);t.async=!0; t.src=v;s=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)(window, document,'script', ' fbq('set', 'autoConfig', false, '789754228632403'); fbq('init', '789754228632403'); #Worst #Nightmare #Motive #Expertise #Terrifying #Goals Nightmares are vivid and terrifying goals that have an effect on as much as 85% of US adults often, with 5% of US adults experiencing common nightmares.

Though an occasional nightmare might be linked to emphasize, anxiousness and sleep hygiene, constant nocturnal episodes might be indicative of parasomnia, or disruptive sleep problem. Horror and thrillers have been referred to as the principle culprits for lots of the nightmares folks have and might stimulate the manufacturing of adrenaline in a managed surroundings in a psychological sense. 1. What's a nightmare dysfunction and the way widespread is it? - A nightmare dysfunction is a sort of parasomnia, the place constant nocturnal episodes of vivid and terrifying goals have an effect on the standard of sleep and day by day life. Based on Sleep Schooling, as much as 5% of US adults expertise common nightmares on account of this dysfunction. 2. What are some widespread nightmare triggers? - Stress, unhealthy sleep hygiene, anxiousness, the adrenaline spike of a scary film, and sicknesses (particularly fever) are some widespread nightmare triggers. 3. What's the distinction between nightmares and evening terrors? - Nightmares happen throughout REM sleep, the place the thoughts is most energetic and goals might be vivid and terrifying. Evening terrors, however, happen throughout non-REM sleep and are related to confusion, screaming, and different vocalizations. Evening terrors are predominantly skilled by kids between the ages of 4 and 12 and are normally one thing they develop out of, whereas nightmare issues can have an effect on adults.

[the-firebird69]

So few things happening firstly they're still messing with him secondly there are a huge number of people just sitting here and moping around they did it during the hurricane and he mentioned it he said I had to get them water and they don't really seem to be doing anything what's going to happen now we know I'm going to open their loud mouths and then they'll be picked up that's how it goes 2/3 of them already said stuff but really the kind of behind in times. 75% of Charlotte county is prepping to evacuate and that's almost all of them they're probably 80% of the populace the rest of the state has already cleared out

We have growing conflicts all over the world and they're very big and numerous. New Jersey is a mess the mirror there dropping about three in an hour but they're tired out tied to a lot of people's three octillion an hour and it's trying to let people in advance and it's embroiled Britain is going to be embroiled soon they are realizing that bja occupies it and that he is holding QE and many number of people there that he grabbed and he's been lying and he's been getting things a lot more than just rusty ocean vessels. There are other factors going on other events and battles and they are numerous but the main event is the evacuation of the remainder of the morlock. So similar feel to what they're doing before except they're evacuating everywhere and they're leaving and they're going to the islands on the Midwest and the upper Midwest are clearing the upper Midwest still has probably $120,000 octillion and they always did and we didn't say the right number and roughly 80,000 Australian in the south what's really in the Midwest at this time tons of them brought their own boats and thought they would go down the river and they cannot but they're put up on the boat and its passage they get passage anyways but they're treated a little better I get to sit in a room with chairs in it and most people have to stay up all night there are many decks they all lay down and sleep it's a nightmare. Out of the cities are there about 20 about 50% are out of the season the city areas and suburbs and it's going to continue all day and they are going to notice that everybody is evacuated. Everyone is evacuating and the upper Midwest before there's only one third left and they're ready and they are reporting them from the upper Midwest those who are evacuated leave and those who are fighting over ships or stay we estimate another 80 to 100,000 octillion in this wave and they will clear out half of the remaining numbers in the Midwest the upper Midwest will be completely embroiled once they're out and actually people are flowing from the East Coast and it did increase it to 120,000 artillion but from 100,000 octane and more are going up from California as well and the East Coast and some are going up there to evacuate. We can expect rain tonight and tomorrow possibly good part of the day as the last third of ships will be ready early or late afternoon and they'll start coming down at that time there's more than one to evacuate and they will go out towards California they're going to try and pull her son there using all sorts of techniques. So our son says I don't want to be out there without money sorry just go sit there and do stuff and well open lawsuits. We are assuming many people here in the group lawsuit is going through today there are tons of meetings happening with max they're having emergency rooms all over the place today and they had a meeting this morning and then I'll follow me and it's regarding the status of Florida and they said it's getting a little better but then a lot of them said not really and they decided to figure out where they're coming from and they keep coming in and going out and it's ridiculous cycle so they're going to grab those come in and they said now take it out and it started doing it and people stop coming in.

They had a second meeting and the meeting said they're going to go through the numbers but they backed off the whole world scenario for now I'm talking about Florida and they said that although they did get a few things going globally if they're coming here they need to be grabbed and immediately exported or other and that's what they're doing and the idiots are walking around like nothing happened they know about the meeting

They also stated this if we have any more problems from John remillard he's done and yes it was abysmal so they're going after him and they're going to try and get him out again for real. And we do understand what happens it is a cesario and it is coming up and it does now it shut but they're are several events that lead up to it now where he is kicked out several times and in prison many times and very soon and there's a lot of it happening in Florida people like me are abundant actually running them up

Several attacks took place from the East and you're coming across to Charlotte county and they will stop and they were large scale it's like 2 5 10 20 million and 10 octillion and 10 octillion every half hour up to now and they're gone and these guys just keep doing it and don't seem to care idiots milling around in the shopping center circling getting anything it's making people nauseous that they do it they keep doing it even when our son is not there they're horrific losers they just do not have their s*** together.

I don't know those that were attacking of the 3700 remaining higher-ups there are 30 that were hit and gone and there are 50 more that are questionable so it's almost 3,600 and under the neighborhood there were 140 and now because of all the actions going on there's 130 household which it's not much of a change but that is happening. There are many lawsuits against Trump and there's some criminal complaints and charges and he is going to court today for one of them it's a civil lawsuit and it's in Florida and yes it was in the news and it's West Palm and the shooting the people there for disturbing the peace constantly.

There's more coming up in the news regarding he and his country they're getting beaten down by bja and Justin just now we're going to report that edge of Tomorrow is beginning it has started and Emily blunt is sitting in front of canyon Chris and trying to detract him or something and didn't like what's going on but she keeps doing it and it is going to go on fairly soon probably within the hour.

Other things that are happening The sopranos preamble has occurred and season one is warming up and I'm informed that it possibly will start today into tonight and it is a nasty nasty series but it is pivotal

There are other things happening and our son is inquiring as to what could be a go and we do know what to say right now we have around 50 projects that are going on and we're classy at the seams trying to man them and he's putting tons of pressure on Olympus and we're responding my recruiting in a massive way. And we do have other things that are occurring and it is the stock market we are up there and people are tampering with it and we're also requiring more companies two of which he almost signed on Wednesday and today is Friday they are holding off they're very big companies and we've had about 10 almost signings

**United airlines we have 90% And they have 10% and associated chairs and we are controlling share of course and we are revamping the airline industry right now we're not handing Jets off to Tommy Allen but he is buying them and taking them away and we are selling him the ones that are still kind of operational but need service pretty pretty soon or they will fall apart and he's noticing that but what can you do and then we are also acquiring all of the airports associated with American airlines and solidifying the acquisition

**American airlines we are also doing the same thing with the airplanes and we are sending new ones over we are acquiring the airports and making sure that they are safe and secure and finishing the acquisition more shortly

Thor Freya

Zues Hera

Olympus

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