#thought vomit

[pininghost]

I am on my knees BEGGING for a fourth irish folklore movie from cartoon saloon because have you heard butchered tongue and de selby part 1 that needs to be in a movie with their stunning visuals pls pls pls I am fucked in the head rn

[twilight-princess240]

I'm probably going to regret posting this and might delete it at some point, who knows, but I want to get this off my chest. I'll probably regret doing this on a public post on Tumblr later.

Is it weird to miss someone who you've only talked to briefly on here who deactivated their account for a reason or another, and since you don't know if there's any other social media out there they have along with the fact that you still didn't talk to them much, you'll probably never encounter them again?

Because that happened to me. I found an account by chance while perusing Tumblr, and I was interested in what posts were on there despite them being 18+ and NSFW. I honestly liked the content when looking through it and I even sent a message through the ask function admitting as such despite being unusually shy for some reason, maybe because at the time I didn't post anything (until my rant about my girl Alyssa Targaryen not too long ago) and I usually prefer to keep to myself.

I admittedly wasn't sure what the response would be and suddenly I felt like the biggest shrinking violet on the planet at the time. It was probably because it was the first time I had ever sent an ask on anyone's account, not to mention this was probably the first guy I reached out to on my own initiative outside of those I was already comfortable around on Discord. I was so nervous and to a certain extent, scared, because even though I was 22 at the time I never knew I could be so shy. I must have been pretty red in the face from my shyness too.

But he reached out to me about my ask through Tumblr's messages function, and he was honestly really kind. In the first message he sent to me, he thanked me for the kindness in my ask, and I was so surprised that he directly reached out to me that not only did my shyness kick in full force, I admittedly didn't respond to it for a month. When I finally responded, he understood I was shy for reasons I couldn't explain at the time, and surprisingly, despite my shyness still lingering, I felt comfortable around him. He assured me that he didn't feel uncomfortable about the fact that I liked a lot of his posts, which I was feeling really conscious about and had admitted to him. I felt like I could come out of my shell at least a bit, open up a little, at least to the point where I was willing to keep talking to him if we could. There were times where there were bumps in the road, where I wasn't sure if we had gotten off on the wrong foot or something or I was wondering if I was annoying or a load because of a tendency to just run my mouth at times, but overall I honestly enjoyed talking to him and his company even if it was solely through Tumblr's messages function.

However, it wasn't for long. We only talked for a few months, and even then, it was really brief and spread out partially due to different time zones. He was dealing with a lot of hate from anons who knew they could get away with it because they could hide behind screens. It was one of the key reasons if not the key reason why he eventually deactivated his blog, last year actually, and probably hasn't returned. Our final exchange, in October last year, was me wishing him luck since he was deleting his blog and possibly not returning, and he thanked me and wished me the best as well. And we both moved on with our lives.

But here's why I think I'm weird when concerning this topic and for even writing all this. It's because somehow, I miss him and feel a wish to reconnect with him and talk with him again. Aside from us talking very sparsely, I'm not sure if we even really knew each other after our message exchanging. As a result of all that, I feel like I shouldn't miss him. Yet I do, and I feel a strange desire to reconnect with him and talk with him again. I try to quash those feelings because not only will it probably never happen, to an extent I feel like it doesn't feel right to miss him and want to reconnect with him after only exchanging messages with him briefly and it being almost a year since he left.

Oh boy, this was practically an essay. While I do feel a bit better about getting this off my chest, I'm probably going to be cringing at myself for this and considering when to delete it as well. It scares me a bit, the fact that even though I didn't mention the person's name at all, someone might still figure out who I'm talking about and somehow get it to him. Well, it's still up in the air as to whether this is going to be deleted or not, but it all depends on how much I regret posting this and how mortified and conscious I feel at least a bit later over even writing this to begin with.

[luvly-writer]

So i’m a theater nerd (i’m a dancer and did theater for a few years) and idk why ALL OF THE SUDDEN i found Christian Borle and fell head over heals for him (blame legally blonde the musical) and because of that I started watching Something Rotten. As a Shakespeare nerd as well, I FKN LOVED IT!!! But i was one controversial take that might be because im in love with Christian Borles…

When Nick Bottom asks to see the future and see Shakespeare’s next play..he was stealing it FIRST, so when Shakespeare goes to “steal” it, TECHNICALLY he is just taking what it his BACK. Cause it’s been fucking my mind (i’ve seen the musical and heard the sound track more that 17 times last week), when people say “no he stole the play” but wasn’t it gonna be his in the first place? Had Nick not intervened, Shakespeare would have probably written it. Or am i wrong? So TECHNICALLY, even if part of it was Nigel’s work, IT WAS STILL GOING TO BE SHAKESPEARE’S. Think about it, the soothsayer told Nick the play (well half of it because he had a few things wrong) and Nigel wrote of that, so in turn, thanks to Nick, they kinda cheated off Shakespeare. Will is still an asshole, but rightfully so he is still a TALENTED one. He wrote Romeo and Juliet, so the talent was there, he was just getting lazy and going through a rough writer’s block. Nick in a sense just made HIS ideas get to him easier due to the fact that he stole them from the future. Shakespeare didn’t have to start from cero bc Nick unintentionally brought his idea to him so that he could break through writer’s block.

Anyways, maybe i’m reading too much into a silly musical, but i am LOVING “Something Rotten” and Christian Borle and this got me thinking.

[han-uhhhhhhh]

Something really bugs me about subtle (subconscious?) transphobia that people who are very amiable towards me let seep through.

A coworker who lavishes my work with praise and is very friendly with me can’t help but call me “man.”

Like, in a very jovial normal way, you know things like: “see you get exactly what I’m saying, man”

I don’t think he means any harm but he calls other women coworkers Ma’am, girl, etc.

I’ve been lucky enough to not have faced much out and out transphobia but when I have it was much easier to shrug it off that this feels.

[daneecastle]

Brainstorming

Crowley was so much easier to understand at the end of season 2 Good Omens. I was able to pour my connecting and empathetic emotions with his onto paper and draw what I think he was feeling.

...With knowing where he comes from, what might have happened to him, and the possible theories of who he could actually be ...

We really don't know how he feels. So because of this thought, I hit a wall with Aziraphale.

Michael Sheen is an amazing actor. I don't even know where to begin to express the astounding impression he's made on my life with his roles in other movies. It took Good Omens for me to check him out and find out that the movies he's been in that I've seen he's always played the characters I was drawn to the most!

Yes even the Twilight role. (Not my favorite series of movies)

But, Aziraphale...

...has been the most dynamic.

I mean, we've seen the posts people have made about the looks he gives Crowley, the reactions that lacked words, but we knew what he might be thinking ... but do we really know? A lot of relationships are considered to work when opposites attract, but we need to have some common similarities. So, is he as simple as Crowley? (Who doesn't know how to communicate his feelings properly or really communicate anything about his entirety? ) who resorts to a physical act to get a very unclear message across?

Or...

Is he more complicated with his thoughts and plans? So much so that Michael has to pull off so many faces to show the massive amount thoughts running through, not only his head, but his fucking heart.

How can I visually sketch that out in a few, maybe four panels? ....... hmm. I'll try to post before bed, but this might take me a bit to really feel what's going on and put his inner feelings onto paper.

[generic-whumperz]

The way I have to set up these damn non-chronological chapters with what’s essentially a first act because, without it, it feels like skipping foreplay.

[olivine-rain]

Aside from a reblog I haven't really posted since ArtFight but in that time I have

a)interviewed for a job b)got the job c) went to the job for 6 1/2 days. I bought several scrubs, work shoes, and squeezed in a psych appointment to help with my anxiety with starting the job because I have lifelong chronic anxiety that has plagued me since childhood that causes very real physical symptoms that I try to mask but only have so much control over!

And today I lost the job, the main reason being cited is my visible anxiety and tenseness. Like, I ain't gonna lie, I did struggle, I'm kind of learning how bad my auditory processing problems can be especially when I have to get instructions or get information from talking to folks on the phone, but I put my whole ass into learning this job and succeeded in far more tasks than I failed.

idk. I kinda feel like I may be pleading my case too hard. it's not my intention. It happened today so the frustration and hurt is very fresh and people have been making the argument that I may have had an Ableism done to me which... I don't know if I believe but it's a sucky thing to come to terms with.

[herbal-moons]

Please don't hate me. I'm very young and still learning how to be young. And I'm very old and tired and frail and still learning to be mature. I'm very weak and very limp and very brittle and small and I can't do much but hope you like my remains. I want you to like the mess I am. Like spittinf blood in the sink or like a lukewarm bitter cup of badcoffee . Please like me please love me

I can't be anything if you don't love me so please let me be something for you let me be you . Let me absorb you and imitate you please I can't be anything else. I can't be anything unless you let me and you tell me I'm good and nice and proper. Please love me and praise me please tell me I'm good. Please pet my matted and bloody fur and call me a good dog even though there's blood on my maw and nothing for me to offer to you cause I ate it all. I ate it all like the selfish dog I am and left nothing for you but I still beg you to like me. A selfish dog with it's tail tucked between it's legs.

Love me love me love me love me.

Love me and my ramblings love me and my violence love me and my blood soaked clothes and teeth and face and maw and hands and claws. Pleas e love me

[flashbackonyourbehalf]

Torn

I want a flawless hourglass figure; I want to be a man.

I want to starve myself, feel the weight melting off; I want to eat and feast like a king.

I want to stay sober and save money; I want to down a six pack, losing myself in music and daydreams.

I want to stay in bed all day; I want a consistent workout schedule in a gym.

I want to rest, curled up in the soothing embrace of a thirty pound blanket; I want to run for miles.

I want to keep my head clear; I want to be high forever.

I want a girlfriend, who I can love and cherish and spoil; I want to find myself and stay single forever.

I want to be thin, willowy and lean; I want to pack on muscle like a strong man.

I want to laugh till I cry with my beloved friends; I want to be alone.

I want to save my narcotics and benzos for when I really need them; I want to use them now, feeling bliss as they pull me away.

I want an open schedule, even if it means being a house husband; I want a productive 9-5 work week.

I want to save up so I can travel; I want to spend and decorate my body.

I want to make the first move; I want to be pursued.

I want to dye my hair; I want to keep it natural.

I want to take care of someone; I want to be cared for.

[bunnydearest]

Taliesin West, in all her glory.

[assigned-marcille-at-breakfast]

I guess. It's mother's day. So. Shout out to my fellow "it's a mess of conflicting emotions and I want to love my mother but also all that stuff that happened" folks.

[generic-whumperz]

When you come across a meme that reminds you of your oc, and you wish you could send it to them. :’)

[jfcji]

it's like im sixteen again mad and angry at the world but this time the world is mad and angry right back at me

[hoseoksmilehoya]

Sometimes I wonder if you’ve ever looked at someone when they weren’t looking and felt like you wanted to know everything about that person. Every little like or dislike, and favorite songs, every little thing that can ruin their day, and the small joys life brings to them.

It’s impossible, of course. You would need to dedicate a lifetime to understand a person so completely, to really dive deep into their soul. And I know what people say about being careful about what you wish for. There’s a very good chance that what you found at the end of this path, if you so had chosen, would be regret.

Nevertheless, here and there, I look at you and that’s how I feel.

[barecontact]

i didn’t ask to be called out like that.

“Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.”

— Unknown

[flashbackonyourbehalf]

Desperation

I’m terrified of poverty.

I shiver in my studio; and my cat

Is only *this* cuddly when she’s cold, too.

I push her off, though,

Feverishly filling coloring books

Just to stay sane after withstanding

The outdoors for my 9-5.

I’m scared

That it’s not enough, that

I’M NOT ENOUGH, I’ll never NOT be

Choking

Beneath the merciless boot of late-stage Capitalism. I know

That unplugging the microwave,

Turning off the heat,

And not flushing during frequent usage

Will only save a minuscule amount -

Not nearly enough to balance out the

Hard ciders and nicotine that help me cope -

Still.

It makes me feel better, despite

Efforts in vain.

The pleasure is short-lived

When I pay for parking daily and narrowly

Avoid ticket-checkers on trains and need

Battery-acid energy drinks to function.

These treats make me happy, but if I had some

GODDAMN SELF-CONTROL,

Then maybe

I could take longer showers.

And I wouldn’t worry about overdraft fees.

I want to decorate my temple

With tattoos and piercings, I want

To dye my Viking braid

Either crimson or emerald - (I can’t decide)

I want to go on dates without

Worrying

About rent, I want

To shower my loved ones with gifts,

Fill my haven with scented candles, and

Add to my ever-growing earring collection.

But I’m trapped.

Because I’m poor.

Because the cycle never ends.

And it will never be enough.

I have few spoons to spare, but maybe I could

Sell my body beyond

The 40 hour work week;

Surely there are older, wealthier

Gentlemen who see my curves

Rather than my gender - surely

I can perform in other ways

Than work requires, surely

Allowing detached vulnerability will

Fuel my self-disgust.

But, at least, I’ll be able

To buy a binder.

To dye my hair.

To decorate my body.

To afford parking and still buy lunch at work.

To buy more contact lenses.

To indulge in drinks without guilt.

To spoil my cat and my loved ones.

To pay for blood work I need for transitioning.

To make the best homemade meals, but also

To get takeout when I’m too tired to cook.

To enjoy life - rather than

Chasing dopamine.

I’ll never catch her.

She always escapes my grasp, but that sheer

Desperation

Is what will free me from this cage.