#the worst most unsatisfying wank of my life

[doonarose]

Hello fam,

Here's some TMI that I've spent the entire day spiraling over on the reddit chat but may as well therapize myself here too. Wait is therapize a real word... I did not know that.

Anyway - teaching week from absolute hell. Hours and hours and hours of on my feet labs and workshops. And then getting myself in a position where I had to mark prac write ups - 88 of them - in about 48 hours. Reckon it took me about 16 hours and it's mind numbing exasperating work because this is their first one - a quarter of them failed, some of them wrote the most incoherent bullshit...

That means my brain has been frazzled and fried since sometime Tuesday and by some oversight I neglected to put in my calendar that my parents were dropping their dog off at my house today to mind for a week. Probably because it's no big deal and not something I really need in my calendar.

Except I completely forgot. 100% out of my brain, gone, no idea it was happening until I got a text at 10.30 saying the dog had been dropped off and they were on their way to their airbnb where they've got a few nights away or whatever.

Now, worth noting, they did need to go into the house to drop the dog off, because this is the dog that, famously, escaped this same house a bit over a year ago, got smacked by a truck, was 50/50 on surviving for a long while, and cost them $6k to fix... so yeah, of course let yourselves in, dump the dog and lock the doggy door.

So a few things to know:

I live in a messy house at the best of times. Dishes in the sink, last night's plates still on the table, a bag of used tissues next to me on the couch, socks on the floor, etc. Like it's not gross rotting food or anything, but it's not the standard I like to show my parents (or anyone else). So that's a bit embarrassing.

Last night, because I pulled a 12 hour day of admin and prac marking, I fell into the too-often-fallen-into habit of having a decent slosh of vodka over ice with soda as soon as I got home at 8pm to turn my brain off so I could sleep before midnight. I left the half empty bottle of vodka on the table in the living room.

Also when I got home last night I took my bra off in the living room and left it draped across a chair.

Also, in a particularly lazy moment, I had left the eski full of water from almost two weeks ago sitting in the same spot in my kitchen which, yeah, okay, gross of me, but I intended to clean it up before anyone fucking saw it.

And you're probably reading this and thinking that it really isn't that bad so here's the real main source of mortification. Because I live alone and because no one would ever just drop in and because I've been busy and lazy and whatever. I also left my bright magenta sex toy besides the bathroom sink this morning. Where it had been since the morning before. Because that's a fine, logical place to leave it. And when I got the text I immediately remembered that because I saw it this morning when I was getting ready to go into work at 7.30 for an 8am zoom to the US, and kind of vaguely thought 'I should put that away' and then didn't. And didn't close the door to the bathroom because i only do that on hot days and it's been mild, finally, the last few days. And then when I got that text I tried to convince myself that my parents would have no reason to go into my bathroom, even though they would have obviously gone in the house and seen the above bad shit. And then I tried to convince myself that even if they had seen it, we would never speak of it and I would never know.

Anyway, I got home a half hour ago and my toilet door is fully closed, it's next to the bathroom door that remained fully open, magenta fucking rabbit in full view. I never, ever fully close the toilet door because it jams.

So anyway... may never wank again. Will, at some point, report on how I handle my face and soul next time I have to speak/see my parents.

If I die tonight, my COD will be mortification.

[iamanartichoke]

Why do you feel that way about fandom? (In regards to your latest reblog)

Ah, I’m not sure if I know how to explain it, but I’ll try. (This got long, so I’m really sorry.)

The thing is, I first got into the Loki fandom early in 2018, so I’m coming up on about two years of being active here. That first year was so fun and exciting; I was elated to be able to discuss my Loki theories and meta with like-minded people, and I was so happy (and surprised!) at the attention my fic was getting.

I was also still at a point where I believed IW was going to blow our minds, so there was that extra kind of thrill of suspense (and a bit of fear but, when you believe in the MCU and haven’t yet lost faith in its writers/directors, the fear is surface-level and adds to the thrill - there’s not really the accompanying dread and despair). 

IW was a crushing blow to that, of course, but even though we were all devastated, we were all devastated as a fandom. We were still in it together; we had one another to vent to and cry with and share fic with. “Loki is alive bc reasons” became kind of an unwritten rule in most post-IW fics; we all agreed that Loki deserved better. 

In 2019, two things happened: one, I was underemployed and dragging my feet on finding better employment due to my mental health, which ruined my life for a little while. I had to move back in with my parents, which (I love them and am grateful they were willing to support me, but) was a toxic environment. I was too depressed to indulge in my escapism the same way (fic and fandom) and my progress on my stories slowed way down. I’ve never quite been able to get back the momentum I had when writing Sanctuary, but that’s another issue. 

The second thing that happened was, obviously, Endgame came out and whatever theories and hopes the fandom was collectively holding onto about Loki were crushed. Not only that, but the portrayal of Thor seemed to amplify the divide in the fandom between the pro/anti Ragnarok argument. 

It seems, to me, that what was a series of battles or skirmishes only became an all-out war after Endgame. That’s only my perception, of course, but I do feel that the latter part of 2019 saw the divide grow larger and larger. Everyone had opinions on what the “correct” portrayal of Thor was, and how it related to Loki, and whether fanon Thor and Loki’s relationship was founded in canon or not. Everyone was defensive of their own point of view; bullying and name-calling and anon hate became more widespread. 

Again, this is just my observation. Those who’ve been on the front lines since Ragnarok came out probably have a much different perspective; I’m only talking about what I observed bc it directly impacts how I feel about fandom these days. 

So here we are in 2020; like I said, I’ve been here about two years. I haven’t rewatched any of the Thor movies in ages (although @delyth88 and I are talking about it), because they make me so sad and also so angry. Sad for what we had, angry for what could have been. So much wasted potential. Loki’s horrific end hangs over everything, as does Thor’s radical character change, and I don’t have the same excited outlook about the characters and the meta potential anymore. 

Not having watched the movies in a long time, along with that feeling of “ugh” around them, impacts me creatively bc I’m not actively feeding my writing inspiration. For me, fanfic writing comes from being so full of feels about the source material that I just can’t get enough and I need more. I draw my inspiration from things like watching Loki’s facial expressions, catching subtle moments between Thor and Loki, analyzing the way they speak, thinking about the story choices happening, and so on, and so on. 

My source of inspiration has dried up, in other words, which has made it hard for me to keep a good writing momentum going. I was feeling great when I rewrote Sea, and then my inspiration kind of plummeted again - this time, bc I felt that I did such a good job rewriting and the response was so positive, I didn’t know if I could finish the rest of the story as well. Like I was already setting up the second half to fail, bc it would be much more “rough draft” than the first - revised and polished, yes, but not gone over with a fine-toothed comb the way the first part was. 

The truth is, I carry a lot of stress and anxiety around my writing. I am always incredibly anxious that no one actually likes my fic, that no one is reading my fic, that people think it’s stupid or pointless, that my quirky humorous touches are ooc, that my plotlines are convoluted and boring and my sex scenes awkward and non-existent. 

I’m having trouble with the Valki relationship bc I haven’t watched Ragnarok in so long, I’ve forgotten how much chemistry was between them and how it made me feel. I’ve forgotten why I chose to pair them up in this ‘verse in the first place. And I worry about that, too - that the people who read my stories for the Valki are walking away unsatisfied. 

So that’s where I am with fic writing - slow and steady, still trying to find my footing, still secretly assuming what I write is shit.

This is on top of feeling more and more isolated on tumblr, mostly because of the aforementioned tensions and overall negativity that’s erupted in the fandom. I have been unfollowed and blocked by people who were once mutuals; I have been blocked by people I’ve never spoken to before. 

There’s so much stress surrounding the things I post now - I’m constantly thinking, have I worded this correctly to convey my meaning without shitting on someone else’s opinion? Is this post going to be the one that makes this or that mutual unfollow me? Am I tagging correctly so my pro Ragnarok mutuals don’t see my criticism, and vice versa? Can I still post pictures of Chris Hemsworth, who is possibly the only man in the world I am definitely attracted to, which is a shame bc I agree that he’s kind of a douche now? But he’s so beautiful, but I have to disclaim that it’s just his face I’m attracted to? If I reblog this post about Loki that I think is hilarious, but is also founded on the flat stabby villain characterization, will I alienate my anti friends? Does it imply I don’t understand or appreciate Loki and that, by reblogging the thing, I’m endorsing a shitty characterization? 

And so on. It makes scrolling my dashboard uncomfortable and un-fun, bc I end up saving tons of posts to my drafts without reblogging them, and after awhile I am not enjoying myself, so I stop scrolling. 

But this means I miss tons of mutuals’ posts, and I was trying to check individual blogs for awhile but I kept falling further behind, and there were more and more posts I’d missed, and I’d get overwhelmed and then feel like they probably hated me anyway at this point for being a shit mutual, so I might as well just keep lurking on the dash for ten minutes and call it a day. 

On top of that, I haven’t read fic in awhile bc of this mindset, so I haven’t commented, and then when I don’t get comments it’s like, well, maybe the story’s not shitty but no one’s reading it bc what do I expect when I’m not reading theirs? You’re not special, Charlotte. 

The worst part about all of this is that none of it should diminish (and hasn’t diminished!) my love of Loki as a character. I am excited about the series, but I am also very anxious about it - about the story not being good, yes, but also about the inevitably divide that will further split the fandom. 

No matter how the story goes, someone’s going to be upset. You can’t please everyone, and trying only makes for worse storytelling. So the wank will continue. 

But I love Loki. I love everything about him. I am interested in writing about him and reading about him and thinking about him. I am invested in him and always will be. It’s just that, right now, I’m kind of falling further and further out of fandom and I find I have less to say. 

And so I either have to wait it out, or work on my own mindset, or keep on keeping on. I just don’t know how long that will take or if I’m even liked enough here to try to bother. 

tl;dr: Fandom has made me cynical and jaded, and it has dampened not my love of Loki, but my love of interacting with the Loki fandom.

(I know you didn’t ask for this hot garbage pile of my feelings, anon, so I’m sorry.) 

[mysticmanyeo-blog]

1-81 han

“Greedy little spirit.”

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer?

“All of the above.”

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why:

“That’s none of your business… but it was amazing. They were very energetic.”

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed:

“Who thinks of this shit? I don’t know… maybe Poison Ivy?”

4: Something that never fails to make you horny:

“Biting or being bitten.”

5: Where is one place you would never have sex:

" Somewhere unhygienic. Like a subway.”

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when 

“Sex in general is pretty awkward… I don’t think I have anything particularly note worthy. Maybe roommates walking in, but that happens to everyone.”

______________

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny:

“Blood, I guess?”

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone:

“ A spread bar on their ankles with their hands cuffed behind their back or to a headboard.”

9: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other [if other please explain]:

“Leather bracers. Some people can get out of cuffs.”

10: What is the fastest way to make you horny:

“We’re back to biting. Bite me hard enough to almost break skin.”

11: Top or bottom?

“Both. Both is good.”

12: We were about to ____________ but then ______________

“We were about to cum after edging for over an hour, but then my cat got a hair ball and the sounds she made kind of ruined the mood.

13: Would you ever take a sexual enhancement drug?

“I don’t need it. I promise.”

14: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary? 

“You either get multiple or none. Very rarely do I stop at one.”

15: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

“I mean… The butt plugs might be hard to explain. Or the Sybian…. or the swing.”

16: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you:

“I’m the one who gives all the nicknames. I mostly just get called Hannie or babe or something.”

17: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex:

“Two words: Oral. Fixation. I like all the things about oral sex.”

18: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

“Mmm… I was not having the stretching. Nuh uh. Gaping is not sexy.”

19: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

“I’ve tasted myself after someone else tasted me. In the moment it’s hot, but I’m sure normally it would be pretty gross.”

20: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:

“I think it depends. Things like this should really be discussed between partners. If you’re just fuck buddies or not on any kind of birth control, you should probably use a condom.”

21: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had?

“My track coach in High School was gorgeous.”

22: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

“I’m not in to food play.”

23: How big is too big (peniswise):

“I think anything encroaching over seven inches is painful.”

24: One sexual thing you would never do:

“There are several things I wouldn’t do. Including bodily waste. Blood is as far as I’ll go.”

25: Biggest turn on:

“Intelligence. I LOVE a sexy brain.”

26: Three spots that drive you insane:

“Neck, hip bones, inner thighs. Pretty standard.”

27: Worst possible time to get horny:

“Any time you can’t get away to do something about it. Most of the time I can find a way. Obviously a funeral is a pretty bad time.”

28: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans:

“God yes. Fuck.”

29: Worst sexual idea you ever had:

“ Anything over a foursome has never been a good idea for me. It was really unsatisfying.”

30: How much fapping is too much fapping: 

“No.”

31: Best sexual complement you ever got:

“Am I supposed to remember every one? I mean everyone likes to hear that they’re the best someone has ever had.”

32: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji:

“I don’t care, honestly.”

33: Is it good sex if you don’t nut:

“If you’re in to denial, then yes.”

34: Fill in the blanks: “If they ____________, we are fuckin”

“If they are passionate about what they do, we are fuckin’.”

35: What your favorite part of your body:

“I like my eyes. They’re kind of cat like.”

36: Favorite foreplay activities:

“Edging, oral, hickeys, gentle teasing touches that are just shy of hard enough.”

37: Love (>,

“Love is greater than sex.”

38: What do you wear to bed?

“Nothing?”

39: When was the first time you masturbated:

“Maybe I was twelve? I don’t remember. That was many wanks ago.”

40: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

“Yes. No you can’t see them.”

41: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

“Uuuuuh… A couple of days ago? A witch must commune with nature, y’know?”

42: Have/would you ever have sex outside?

“Did I not just answer this?”

43: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

“I feel like I’ve answered this too…”

44: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

“I don’t know? My hand usually does the trick?”

45: Have/would you ever masturbate at work?

“NO. I work in a fucking temple!”

46: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane?

“Yes.”

47: What is one song you’d like to have sex to?

“Either Bite or DKLA by Troye Sivan.”

48: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny?

“Okay but like…. when people mouth along with songs. Or when their lips move when they read.”

49: Most attractive celebrity?

“Min Yoongi.”

50: Do you watch straight porn? why/why not?

“Yes? I do actually like girls too… It surprises a lot of people.”

51: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now

“Like… an hour old.”

52: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online?

“I hope not? Only like, one person has pictures of me and I trust them with my life.”

53: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny?

““Drunk people. I can’t hook up with anyone when alchohol is involved. No drunken one night stands for me, thanks.”

54: Do you have stretch marks?

“I’m pretty small, so no… but I actually don’t mind them on other people.”

55: How do you feel about your stretch marks?

“Next.”

56: Has anyone ever had a problem with your stretch marks?

“No, nor have I had a problem with anyone else’s.”

57: Do you like giving head? (why/why not)

“Hell yes,.When ever where ever.”

58: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

“I have tattoos, obviously I like them.”

59: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?

“It can be a little awkward, honestly. I’ve only taken one person’s virginity and it took a couple tries to go all the way. They caught on really quickly, but I had to be gentle with them.”

60: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?

“Sugar + vagina = infection.”

61: Is there anything you do on tumblr that you would not like your significant other to see?

Most of my Tumblr posts are about music, fashion or The Craft so… I mean Go ahead?”

62: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? (how long have you had it?)

“Yes. A lot. I don’t have a count on them.”

63: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day?

“Sure? If they want it?”

64: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery?

“Uh, YES? Fuck you.”

65: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

“Prostitue. Then I can at least say no.”

66: Do you watch porn?

“Yup.”

67: How small is too small?

“No such thing.”

68: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

“Yes. Apparently not everyone is okay with blood play.”

69: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything?

“My partner. Their kisses mean everything to me.”

70: Would you switch phones with your significant other for a day?

“Yeah, I only call or text like, four people anyway.”

71: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”?

“Yup.”

72: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair?

“No? It’s not in my way.”

73: If you could give yourself head, would you?

“I mean… I do know exactly the way I like it…”

74: Booty or Boobs?

“Boobs are great, but I’m bisexual and everyone has a booty.”

75: If you had a penis, what would you name it?

“I do have a penis. His name is Mephistopheles.” 

76: Have you ever been on an official date?

“I go on dates all the time. I consider pizza and a movie at home to be a date.”

77: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)

“No.”

78: If you were a stripper, what would your name be?

“Babezlebub.”

79: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?)

“HELL NO. My parents live on the other side of the world anyway.”

80: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed?

“Ew. No. Next question.”

81: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina

“Either way, I put it in my mouth.”