#why the collective gets healed when we heal ourselves

[violetszone]

Rainbow Baby

Charles x fem!reader

From this request 

Summary: You had an accident and miscarriage when you were 3 months pregnant, but only Charles and a few relatives both of you knew that you were pregnant at the time of the accident. When you became pregnant again two years after the accident, this time you decided to not hide your baby and what happened in that accident.

WARNINGS: miscarriage, mental and physical problems, too much angst

A/n: not edited writing...

It was the third month of your pregnancy, although your belly was not very clear, certain people around you knew about her pregnancy. You were glad when Charles suggested not to explain the baby to the outside world until you felt comfortable, you didn't want all eyes on you.

Charles was always there for the baby and was very attentive to you even in the first months.That's why when you said you were going out to dinner with your friends tonight, he insisted you not go.You kept talking to tell him it's okay and you're feeling fine today.

You were so excited when you finally persuaded Charles that you kissed him and left the house and drove off in your car. Everything happened so fast, even before you could tell there was a car coming out of the tunnel, you heard a crash and your car started to drift towards the wall at the tunnel entrance.The last thing you remembered was siren sounds.

Charles was with you when you opened your eyes. He was in a mess, when he saw you, he smiled for a moment and got up from where he was sitting on the hospital bed next to you and sat on the hospital bed, held your hand, you were looking around trying to understand where you were.

You frowned and the first thing you did when you realized that you were in the hospital was to put your free hand on your stomach and look at your stomach, your eyes filled with tears. Charles shook your hand and hugged you tightly as you started to cry "I'm sorry honey, I'm so sorry"

Losing your baby didn't affect you and Charles very well, but thanks to the love between the two of you, you were able to recover.It had been very difficult, but you believed that without Charles it would have been a wound that would never have healed.

Two years after the accident, the thing happened that made you both fully recover. You were pregnant again.This time you were both more sensitive, you knew this Rainbow baby would change your life.

This time you didn't want to hide the baby from the fans because you didn't want to make an effort to hide yourself and you didn't think you could mentally handle it.Charles, of course, supported you in this decision, he was aware that the last two years had a heavy impact on you rather than on him, so he stood by you in every decision as always.

For this reason, you prepared a joint post on Instagram and announced your rainbow baby to the whole world.Of course, within a few hours, the whole world was shaken by the news because most fans knew very well what a rainbow baby was.

Everyone seemed to go crazy, both of you started getting notifications and calls on your phones like crazy. You were expecting such a reaction but it hurt your heart that people were so knowledgeable about it because it probably meant that they experienced it too.

Charles was sitting next to you and when you looked into his eyes you saw again that man who could burn the whole world for you he took your hand and smiled at you "Charles, I think we should tell them, we can't keep it to ourselves any longer, they need to know what happened in that accident. After all, they know our baby now, I'm ready now I feel strong enough to talk about it"

Charles asked several times if you were sure about it, and each time you told him that you were fine and that it was important that you explain it.Starting from being actually pregnant at the time of the accident, you explained clearly how you collected yourself in these two years after the miscarriage and what your psychology was like.What Charles and you went through, what mental difficulties you struggled with, everything was in this article and you didn't hesitate to publish it, these were facts, you went through hard times.

Written from the point of view of the two of you, you explained what Rainbow baby means as a small footnote for those who don't know, while publishing this statement about what you've been through for two years, this baby was connecting you to life again.

You wanted not to answer the phone for a while after the statement was published because you kept thinking that there were people going through it and how hard it was for them too. Charles hugged you all day, you read books together and tried to stay away from everything electronic

When you looked at your phone in the evening, the news was really everywhere, everyone was sending support messages.Most women who have experienced this have sent you messages and the reason for your current sentimentality is that you were crying when you read their stories.

you felt more relaxed and now you were ready to live a new life when your rainbow baby was born.You could really feel the support that everyone sent, especially you were very grateful to Charles, who did not leave your side even though he was not well during these two years.This baby would be a new hope for all of you.

[kakiastro]

Chiron: Past/Early life wounds that need Healing

Hey y’all! Today I’m going to discuss how you can start your healing journey by doing shadow work with your Chiron placement and house.

Shadow work is just a new age term meaning working on healing your traumas and starting your inner growth journey. We’ll always have shadow work because we’re constantly growing and changing into hopefully the best versions of ourselves.

Chiron can be a really great way to start this journey. Why? Chiron in astrology represents the wounded healer. Which means this is the area that we were hurt the most in past lives and in this lifetime during our early stages (childhood, early teen) years. Chiron is our greatest lesson. And through our healing journey, we can help others on there’s too.

To understand your Chiron; look at the description for your sign + house + degree sign. Break it down and start your healing journey.

Example: Chiron Taurus 9h 7°(libra degree)

Aries/1h

- in past lives, who you are as a person might’ve gotten wounded, demonized or shut down. This gives me wounded warrior energy. You’re a fighter and you may have lost some battles. In this life, people still put you down. You may have been seen as “too much.” To start this healing journey, ask yourself “who am I really?” Make sure this is who you are and not what you been told what to be.

Taurus/2h

-in past lives, your self worth, morals and values were wounded someway. You may have had money issues. In this life, this may have continued. Also people might of been mean to about your looks, may have issue with money and spending or you hoard money because you’re afraid you won’t make enough. Taurus rules the throat so you’re probably self conscious about your voice. To start healing this wound, tell yourself “ I am worthy and abundant.” Release this fear that you’re not worthy of owning nice things. You’re beautiful, and enough. Start listening to upbeat music to make you feel good about yourself.

Gemini/ 3h

-past lives, people didn’t listen to what you had to say. They didn’t understand where you were coming from so they told you to stop talking. This caused a deep wound. In this life, you might’ve been the child “talk too much.” Thus you were told to be quiet. You may struggle with collecting and speaking your thoughts due to the fear of being judged. To start your healing journey, start journaling. Write down your thoughts and feelings. start sharing your opinions, even if it’s small like discussing your favorite show.

Cancer/4h

-this is known as the mother wound. You may have been one of your ancestors in your past lives. You may have been hurt emotionally, they were never validated. You may never had that safe home space. In this life, you are the generational breaker in your family. How you feel is important but no one (especially family)ever made you feel safe. To your healing journey is really a special because your healing your bloodline. Finding or creating family/home that you can call your own. You have to get use to being the black sheep of your family. They don’t understand because they are carrying that trauma for several generations and here you are breaking that trauma. It’s like letting a toddler sit in front of the tv all day. When you shut it off to encourage playing outside, the toddler throws a hissy fit but you know it’s beneficial for them in the long run.

Leo/5h

-you were a star that shined bright but others didn’t like that and diminished your light from the world. The way you expressed your creative self was shunned. This can indicate having problems with children, maybe you didn’t like being around them or couldn’t have any of your own. In this life, you may have struggled as a child. Other kids didn’t get you. You struggled being openly creative. You may struggle with having the light on you. Well I’m here to tell you that the world needs your creative spirit. The way you express yourself help heal others. Start accepting compliments gracefully without acting weird about it. Surround yourself around children. they will bring out that fun inner child and you’ll learn to have fun.

Virgo/6h

-you’re re a healer and your healing abilities have been looked down upon. This is also a mental wound. You may have judged and may have had people be really critical of you. In this life, you may have developed perfectionist tendencies. You may work work and experience horrible burnout. You may have problems with co-workers. To start this journey, I just want to say that you don’t need to overextend your body to prove yourself. You’re perfect and the way you heal others is beautiful to see.

Libra/7h

-people have abused your kindness for weakness. You may have been the type who didn’t confront people who were in power and tried to keep the peace. You may have had problems with marriage partners or business associates. In this life, you may have developed people pleasing tendencies, scared to get into new relationships due to past life situations. To help you understand how to heal this, I need you all to realize that it’s okay to disagree with people outwardly. You guys are so scared of confrontation that you don’t tell ppl how you really feeling and this is causing inner resentment. You may also with some Co-dependency tendencies that you need to work through.

Scorpio/8h

TW: SA

-people have betrayed your trust in past lives. You may have suffered from sexual abuse, or your sexuality was demonized by society. You may have been involved with the occult and punished for it. In this life, you may suffer from intimacy from people especially lovers. You may have a hard time really trusting people and opening up. I think this is one of the most painful Chiron placements because Scorpio is that deep inner wound. To start this healing journey, you need to understand that the world is not out to get you. You guys block so many of your blessings due to the fear of being hurt and betrayed. Be cautious of people but don’t push them out. Work on your intimacy, let your partner hold you hand and kiss you in public without feeling bad about it

Sagittarius/9h

-your ideals were not supported by people your past lives. You may have had problems with religious people. You may have had a different philosophy from others. In this life, I’ve seen it manifest in 2 major ways. You push your ideologies on people and not listen to theirs due to past lives of being rejected or you don’t share them at all. You may have a fear of traveling abroad because change scares you. If you want to start combating this then embrace all the changes. Share you ideologies and philosophies but please listen to others because it will expand your worldview on life. Embrace new cultures and let them inspire you.

Capricorn/10h

-just like how cancer is the mother wound, Capricorn is the father wound. You may have been an ancestor on your father side in a past life. You may have struggled in your career. You may have had bosses who were severely unkind to you. This could have damaged your public image. In this life, you may have problems with authority or you don’t like working for people. There’s a father wound that you need to heal. You are the generational trauma breaker for your father side. you may have abandonment issues. Standing up for yourself against your bosses will help with the start of your healing journey. Start being okay with realizing that not everyone is meant to be in your life long term. It has nothing to do with you either.

Aquarius/11h

-y’all were some rebels in your past lives. You were the ones who went against the norms of society. This caused you to be shunned by society and alone. This caused a deep wound because you wanted that community feeling. In this life, this has caused you to be severely antisocial. You may have been seen as the weirdo growing up and shunned. Here’s the the thing, you are a weirdo but you need to embrace this about yourself. The day you wake up and realize that life too short to care what “society thinks of you” is when you will start to really heal. Dye your hair different colors, buy that stuff animal, do that silly dance in the rain. In the words of Beyoncé “UNIQUE!” You’re and alien superstar

Pisces /12h

-this one’s tricky, your spirituality were demonized. You may have been sent to the psych ward in past lives. You have gifts that were not acknowledged or praised. This caused a deep rift between you and the divine. In this life, you may struggle spiritually on where to go. You may have used unhealthy substances to help you cope. You guys are really the biggest healers because you are connected to the divine. One of the best ways for you all to heal is listening to frequency music, go out in nature. Boundaries are a big one for you guys. Don’t let people gas light you, your intuition is never wrong. Meditate and remember who you are.

Thank you for reading

[asktheritochampion]

please teach me about Rito anatomy dude I’m so lost what the freak are your finger feather-wing things

Ugh. Do I look like a bioligy teacher to you? Why don't you pick up a book for once in your pathetic life?

Fine. I shall explain this exactly once - and only because clearly I am the only Rito many of you fools seem to know, and it is important that you understand in which the ways we differ to Hylians -considering the fact we shall likely be fighting side by side in future battles. You should understand the workings of your allies and the way they move and fight.

This is the anatomical structure of a Rito skeliton.

As you may see, it is not drastically different to your own. Yes, we have very long wings and fingers compared to Hylians. We also have a pelvic bone called a synsacrum, a much narrower ribcage, and our knees bend in the opposite direction to yours.

Our upper maxilla is technically not part of our skelital structure, but rather a keratin structure similar to Hylians having teeth and nails, however we still include it within structual sketches.

Rito bones are hollow, not containing the marrow that Hylian bones do. They are very brittle, however very quick to heal.

Next we have the Rito muscle and organ structure. This is where we really vary from Hylian anatomy.

Rito have large, flat wing and back muscles for flight, we also have incredbly thick muscles around our thighs. While an at-ease Hylian may be standing straight, the Rito leg muscles are elasticated at tensition and are at ease when crouching. This is to cushion landings.

We also have cresting muscles at the base of our skulls and tails, which can lift the crest or tail for intimidation or mating purposes.

Rito eyes are different to Hylian eyes. Hylian eyes vibrate very slightly so that they can constantly percive depth in their surroudings. However, Rito eyes are stationary, thus we will often bob our heads silently while watching prey or enemies to enable ourselves to correctly detect where they are. Motionless, Rito have a hard time observing things which aren't moving. However, we are able to perceive a great deal more colours than Hylians can - including ultraviolet and infrared. Rito feathers contain a huge amount more patterning than Hylians are able to see.

Our internal organs are far smaller than most races in Hyrule for the purpose of keeping us as light as possible for flight, however this does make us susceptable to a variety of diseases and illnesses.

Rito have three 'stomachs'. A gizzard, which acts similarly to a Hylian mouth, grinding up the food we swallow into a digestable paste. Often we consume small amounts of gravel with our diets to provide roughage for this organ. A regurgitation pouch, for collecting and spitting up undigestable matter like bones and fur, and for feeding infants post egg-laying. And a regular stomach for digesting the paste-food and distributing nutrients to the rest of the body.

We have one intestinal tract instead of Hylian's two - for efficiency, of course. If it's all waste anyway, why do you need to seperate it?

Rito also function similar to Zora, with a cloaca instead of external genetalia. A female Rito will have a uterus which can expand up to fifty times its size to accomidate a growing egg, while a male Rito will have internal testis which produce a mucus-sac containing semen which can be deposited from the body during reproduction. Rito are incapable of knowing whether they're male or female until adolescence when they either begin laying eggs every three or so months, or do not.

Then we get onto the Rito feathers - which is a similarly important part of our anatomy.

Rito are covered in four different types of feather. Our primaries and secondaries, needed for flight, and our base and resistance, needed for sustaining body heat and the elements.

Chicks are born with little to no feathers, then typically grow an entire body-coating of base feathers within their first week or so of life. These are incredibly thick, downy feathers that trap warmth to keep our internal structure safe from the low tempretures.

As a fledgling grows, they will start to gain their primary feathers first. A thicker, sturdier kind of feather which cover our wings and make up our tail. Fledglings can start learning to fly as soon as they have all of their primaries grown in - however they are incapable of flying more than a short distance until their secondaries start to grow, as their wings are not thick enough to hold their weight.

Tail and cresting feathers begin to grow during adolecence, as do resistance feathers, which slowly begin to replace the base feathers of your upper body with each moult. These are a sleek, waterproof feather, much sharper and thicker than a base feather, and they act as a protective, waterproof layer for weathering the elements.

Throughout our lives, Rito do not tend to grow resistance feathers in their lower regions, which remain downy and soft. While Rito can be suprisingly strong swimmers, too long in a body of water will soak these feathers and cause them to become extremely heavy, and they'll take several days to dry out.

Rito also have plumes which grow at the back of our heads - a different kind of feather all together which Hylians often mistake for hair. While these are not included within anatomical structure illustrations, our plumes play an important part in our cultural practises. We never cut them and they never moult, but rather we grow them our entire lives, and longer plumes are considered a sign of wisdom and power. Warriors often wear them braided for efficiency on the battle field, however traditionally Rito captains will style them high above their heads to display their length to intimidate opponants.

Thus ends my explanation. I hope this offered you some valuable insight so that you may better understand the biological workings of your Rito counterparts.

[misscammiedawn]

Ok but like aren't you just promoting further dissociation by treating DID like your own personal character sheet of online personas? Can you explain why that's a legitimate thing to support people doing instead of seeking professional help to stop the dissociation in the first place?

(Edit: we never implied people should not seek treatment. Do not understand why you thought this. We are heavy advocates of mental healthcare and write about that often)

That is a fair and valid question and one that is personal to every person who receives care and treatment.

The ISSTD guidelines specifically caution against treating parts/alters as individuals in the very first words of their section on treatment and care:

Although the DID patient has the subjective experience of having separate identities, it is important for clinicians to keep in mind that the patient is not a collection of separate people sharing the same body. The DID patient should be seen as a whole adult person, with the identities sharing responsibility for daily life. Clinicians working with DID patients generally must hold the whole person (i.e., system of alternate identities) responsible for the behavior of any or all of the constituent identities, even in the presence of amnesia or the sense of lack of control or agency over behavior (see Radden, 1996).

This is often quoted in support communities as a way of invalidating alters/parts and imply that treating the parts as individuals is unhealthy.

The unhealthy thing is not acknowledging that we are the same person. As the writing above states, we have collective responsibility for our shared life.

There is only one name on our driver's license.

In fact with our own treatment it took over 3 months of consistent work for the parts in denial to accept we had the condition. The first step was acknowledging that there was a divide.

In Janina Fischer's book Healing the Fragmented Self there is an entire unit on befriending dissociated parts that covers this important step in the healing journey:

“Befriending” one’s parts is not simply a therapeutic endeavor: it also contributes to developing the practice of self-acceptance, one part at a time. When Learning to See Our “Selves” clients pause their reactions to “befriend” themselves, to be curious and interested rather than dismissing and reactive, they slow time. Autonomic arousal settles; there is a relaxing of the sense of urgency to do or be anything different. They feel more at peace because their parts can be more at peace. Self-alienation, that is, disowning of some parts and identifying with others exclusively, does not contribute to a sense of well-being, even when it is absolutely necessary in order to survive. Self-alienation creates tension, pits part against part, communicates a hostile environment (often much like the traumatic environment), and diminishes the self-esteem of every part. Befriending means that we “radically accept” (Linehan, 1993) that we share our bodies and lives with these “room-mates” and that living well with ourselves requires living amicably and collaboratively with our parts. The more we welcome rather than reject them, the safer our internal worlds.

In a therapeutic setting for recovery one needs to accept that the parts exist and that contradicting desires and impulses are happening within the patient. Accepting and acknowledging parts is essential to that and getting to know them, or befriending them as Fischer puts it, is part of understanding these desires.

We are a fairly neat and tidy system as far as many dissociative systems go. Over the course of our therapy and in allowing our parts to have agency, autonomy and individual expression we have come to learn that as a single unified being there are aspects of our personality which we cannot accept as part of who we see ourselves or allow others to see ourselves as.

The big one that many people know is Dawn. We are terrified of erotic intimacy to the point of pre-diagnosis shutting down completely if we were touched in certain areas. We still had our drives, impulses and intrigues though and so Dawn was a version of us that would create online accounts and exist in kink communities and frankly push us beyond the point of comfort which caused us to have meltdowns, delete accounts and try to deny our sexuality entirely. The same is true of our gender expression.

We were married for 11 years and there is not a single erotic encounter that Dawn did not handle for the body. We have no memory of any of it.

As we accepted Dawn and made space for she has simmered down, no longer needing to tug on her leash in order to act and have her needs met. As a symptom we have evened out and are much more comfortable presenting as a sex-repulsed asexual, even when she is front.

The reason is, again, we are one person. Dawn is just a version of us that is not impacted by the terror we have towards eroticism.

Every part of our system exists for a reason. Forcing ourselves to accept the extreme reactions of our parts as "who we are" is as unhealthy as rejecting it outright.

There is nuance and gray.

Integration is finding where the lines are. What is combined and accepted behavior for the system and what is unique to individual parts. Finding these little bits of individuality has been healing. Particularly when each individual trait is something we have rejected and hated ourselves for at a point of our life.

We are healing by accepting the differences.

If we ever get to the point of Functional Multiplicity versus Final Fusion we will decide what to do next.

We are not at the point where we are willing to make those decisions. For now we are one and we are many. We are comfortable with that. Rejecting that and hiding under the knowledge that we are one is denial in another form.

[wondernus]

˗ˋˏ Briefly Orange ˎˊ˗ | PREVIEW

SUMMARY: Fragmentary source of healing and like an oasis away from the city, for his group of friends, Boo Seungkwan’s family farm is a regular vacation destination away from the city. Yet Seungkwan wishes for anything but a future filled with mountains of oranges, his dream of living in the city still ineffaceable in his head. When he receives a request from a friend he fell out of touch with asking if they could stay on his farm for the Summer, Seungkwan finally finds himself in an opportunistic place in which his dream can finally become a reality. Why? Because you’re cursed to have everything you love disappear.

Sweltering heat and an eventful Summer, magic touches lives in ways that we can never imagine. But in this transition between seasons, we find ourselves asking: When loss is as transient as the lives we live, what does it mean to love with every fiber of our being?

PAIRING: bsk x reader

FIC GENRE: angst, romance, slice of life, magical realism

FIC TAGS: food/drinks, time jump, summer fic, exes to lovers, friends to lovers, slow burn, cooking processes (including mentions of knives), character gets physically hurt

PREVIEW WC: 3.1k

FIC WC: 30k

MESSAGE FROM NU: this is merely a preview for the longest fic i've written so far. i've been working on this for months now so i'm so incredibly excited to share the preview with you all this product of so much love and care for seungkwan <3 there are 23 chapters in total, and here are some excerpts from the first few chapters. if you would like to be tagged in the final fic a few days from now, please let me know! - nu ♡

wondernus's masterlist

It starts with the peel. Hold the orange in both hands and press your thumbs against the hollow bottom where there’s an open dip between the peel and the fleshy meat of the orange. Press into the peel with the tips of your fingernails, hard, penetrating the peel and creating a perfect opening to peel the fruit. Then, start peeling the bright and smooth outer shell away until you’re left with that orange and fleshy ball of juice. When you halve the fruit between your fingers, it sizzles and cracks crisply as you rip it apart — sometimes the juice escapes the membrane in a transparent drop of liquid, collecting on your finger, and rolling down your hand toward your arm. Sweet or sour, the rest comes after.

The large rolling suitcase leaves behind two long indents in the dry dirt path as it drags along the road. Each pull and tug towards a new temporary familiar coats the once black and glossy wheels in a matte tan color disrupted by speckled imprints of tiny gravel in every new layer of dirt rolled onto the wheels. Once in a while, the wheels break through a pair of footprints that belong to the person pulling the suitcase like the long lines used to omit phrases from a written sentence. Still, the traces along the dirt path are never straight, nor are they as continuous as one would like them to be. As an arborist would study the rings of a tree to determine periods of sickness and health, anybody could see how the lines left by the suitcase indicate periods of pause in transit, a person struggling along the road, and moments of pure and undisrupted conversation.

Under the warm morning sunlight, Boo Seungkwan has a new kind of warmth lingering by his side — someone so familiar yet so new, neither déjà vu nor jamais vu but nostalgia in person. He hasn’t seen you in years, yet he can’t find himself to say he expected the person to step out of the taxi to be someone drastically different. But you’ve changed since he last saw you, albeit it’s a more mature version of you who walks alongside him toward his family farm.

Seungkwan knows everything about you, for instance, as long as he asked you about family, close friends, past relationships, the summary of the last chapter you read: you would always answer, bluntly of course. In the past, he would often find himself wondering about whether or not you never made the effort to ask him any questions about himself because you were simply not interested or if you were afraid of your inevitable. He knows the amount of hair that collects on your drain every time you shampoo your hair. He knows you never order the same drink from a coffee shop twice. He knows the answer to every single question he has ever asked you to the point where he’s afraid that one day he would run out of questions to ask you. So when he received a message from you asking if you could work at his farm for the Summer in exchange for room and board, he knew both your lives are about to undergo a new form of change and momentum. Change or no change, he agreed to your request if and only if you would be willing to fulfill his additional term: you must help him get rid of his oranges.

What presents itself as the Summer getaway is a 3-acre piece of land that hosts a small orange grove behind the cream-colored family farmhouse and guest house-turned-seasonal café that Seungkwan is left in charge of for the Summer while his family vacations in the Maldives. Even sitting in the car with the windows down and turning onto the street in which the property sits wafts of honeyed and tangy citrus can energize those on a long journey away from the city. Beside the dirt road that leads towards the farmhouse are large patches of clover in place of grass and the beautiful array of flowers and bushes that are planted between dirt and clover. What is most magnificent, Seungkwan points out while walking up to the farmhouse where you would be staying for the rest of the Summer, is not the fact that his grandparents built this place from the ground up or the thousands of oranges they produce each year, but the fact that he drew the long end of the stick for you so you have the first floor study to yourself instead of having to share a room with the rest of his friends.

When his introductory gist is returned with silence, Seungkwan finds himself too embarrassed to see whether or not you’ve reacted in response. But if he took the time to look, he would’ve seen you looking around your surroundings in awe, wondering about how much of the landscape could change just by being thirty minutes away from the city.

“Let’s see,” Seungkwan mumbles while opens the front door and leads you to the interior of the house in an attempt to free himself from his embarrassment. “The study is the first door on the left down the left hallway. It’s a sofa bed, and I already set it up for you. Laundry room is one door down. I’m in my grandparents’ bedroom down the right hallway. There’s also a bathroom and a guest room on our side. Everybody else should be upstairs…if you think it’s awkward to have pictures of my family stare at you while you sleep, I won’t be offended if you turn them around.” He scratches his hair, still trying to figure out whether or not he conjured an air of awkwardness between the two of you.

He hovers behind you as you quietly make your way to your room, looking at you crane your head to look around the foreign farmhouse interior from the living room to the wooden beams that support the ceiling. It’s quiet between the two of you, as if you’ve both run out of topics to discuss after the brief moment the two of you trekked from taxi to house. He doesn’t know why he hesitates when you reach for the doorknob as if he were imagining you to be some interior design critic for a magazine. But his breath hitches for a second when you open the door and step into the modest office. Distracting himself from nothing, he looks at anything but you and settles for the tiny streaks of dirt your suitcase wheels brought indoors. And he wipes away the dirt with his foot, making a mental note to mop when he has time.

“Seungkwan?” Your voice calls for his attention not too long after you entered the office.

Seungkwan steps into the open doorframe, careful to not cross the threshold of the room in order to give you some privacy. He notices you’re sitting on the edge of the sofa bed, your suitcase temporarily tucked against the wall and underneath the light switch. There are pictures of his family on the shelves, most of them with him in large puffer jackets holding large oranges in his tiny hands. What is more is that he notices your hand which clutched the blanket in which you are sitting on loosen with his presence and leave a mountainous crease in its absence.

“Thank you,” you tell him.

The response sounds like a squeak which Seungkwan finds both amusing and reassuring. The fact is there is an air of awkwardness present, not from his creation but from the years the two of you spent apart, that causes you to squeak. Gratitude phrased simply, yet your simplicity is more than enough to let him know you’re feeling the same way he feels.

Truthfully, Seungkwan is still trying to fathom and process the fact that you are here with him. It hits him in this moment that maybe the you who sits in comfortable silence while staring out the window isn’t exactly the same you he once knew like the back of his hand. Finally taking time to look at his friend closely, Seungkwan still recognizes you in the same way that we recognize ourselves as ourselves even when all of our cells have exchanged themselves for new cells. He recognizes the way your hands clutch into balls with your thumbs placed between your pointer and middle finger when you fidget. He recognizes the backpack you brought as the same one you used in college. But he fails to recognize and understand why or how you have become the person to reach out to him for any reason. Why is it that he was chosen to be one of your protagonists in your journey in finding the meaning to your life? How is it that a nobody who dreams of a life unattached to the farm could possibly offer something of such value to someone who constantly lives life in fear of loss?

Truth is, there is always something about being next to you that always makes Boo Seungkwan want to cry. Pity doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling that wells and burns in his chest. Is it rage? Sadness? Regret? Empathetic and sympathetic as he is, he is prone to wearing his emotions before he can even realize what he is feeling. Being next to you causes his chest to concave and collapse in on itself, but he knows better than to feel bad for you. Or maybe he thinks it’s so fucked that you’re in a position in which you’re so desensitized to loss that you can’t even recognize in any moment that you lost what you loved. Always by your side, or at least until a few years ago, Seungkwan was there to reintroduce you to the things and concepts you’ve once loved because he cared and notices. Now, a savior isn’t who he’s trying to be nor was that role ever his intention. Maybe a constant without caution is what he strives to be in your life even if his own selfishness causes him to believe that in case you ever allow yourself to fall in love with him he would be able to disappear and thus never take on the responsibilities of a third-generation farm owner.

Yet a curse regarding loss upon a regular human being in love shouldn’t be the wake-up call that shows the world that loss is a daily occurrence. Loss is as banal and unremarkable as its spelling. And Seungkwan knows this. He’s lost torn snack foil wrapper corners from his pockets. He’s lost time during transit. He’s lost those who he once loved dearly. So why is someone else’s loss so much more important to him when he knows that love is involved?

And why is it that he chooses to show everybody unconditional love and care even when he knows transactional relationships would statistically yield more return?

Seungkwan isn’t a bad person. There isn’t a single bad bone in his body. He’s known you long enough to not tiptoe around you because, despite your curse, you’re just a regular person. And you would prefer it if other people treated you as a regular person. But why is it that he feels the way he feels whenever he’s alone with you?

Orange peel sliced away to form a hexagonal-shaped fruit, lean the fruit on its long side against the cutting board to slice thin hexagons. If what you hold in your hand is too dull, then you risk losing more than what there is to the recipe. Dullness slices the fruit just as sharpness does, but you risk bruising the delicate meat and creating soft pockets of mush while the juice escapes and drips onto the cutting board. There are times when it’s better to do things quickly and all at once or you will risk losing the beauty in your creation. Simple orange slices in a refreshing salad, sometimes it’s better to not try too hard. You did your best. And that’s enough for me.

Dropping the ATV off near the entrance to the orchard, Seungkwan jingles and twirls the keys in his left hand while directing to his seasonal workers where the crates should be stored for the night shipment to local grocers. Without noticing how hard he twirls the keys around his pointer finger, the small chain of keys flies off his finger and onto the ground a few feet ahead of him. It lands on a soft patch of dirt, light colored dust covering surfaces that gleamed with a metallic sheen just a few seconds ago. Someone picks up the pair of keys before Seungkwan has the change to chance to react and lightly tosses the keys back to its owner.

Yoon Jeonghan, with his jet-black hair he spent months growing out that finally touches his shoulders, takes long strides towards his friend while reaching into his pant pocket for his phone, a long stream of complaints already trailing out of his mouth.

“I looked everywhere for you,” Jeonghan complains to Seungkwan while Seungkwan finds himself rolling his eyes. “Why didn’t you pick up your phone? We’ve been calling and texting you, but you wouldn’t reply.”

“I left it somewhere. Can’t remember where I put it,” Seungkwan sighs while wiping the dust off  his keys with the hem of his shirt. “When did you arrive?”

“Like half an hour ago.” Jeonghan adjusts his light blue baseball cap to better shield his eyes from the Sun. He clicks open his lock-screen to double-check the text he received from his driver. “Seokmin’s napping in our room. He’ll come out later.”

“Oh no, was the drive bad? When did you guys leave?”

“Nah, the drive wasn’t bad. He’s just hungover,” he replies nonchalantly while shoving his phone back into his pocket. The dark-haired man quickly looks around the familiar farm and rocks on the heels of his feet. “Busy, huh?” He observes.

“Yeah,” Seungkwan agrees. There is a glimmer of mischievousness in his eyes when he cocks his head toward the ATV he parked not so long ago. “But the new investments help.”

“Bro I can’t imagine how cool your grandparents must look while riding the ATVs.”

“5 miles an hour.” Seungkwan gestures the number five with his hand and drops it after. “Speed demons.”

It’s clear to Seungkwan that Jeonghan, who had spent a remarkable amount of time on this farm over the past few years, isn’t looking around to people-watch or check out the new additions to the farm. He’s been around long enough that Seungkwan’s grandparents consider him as one of their grandsons. No, Seungkwan knows that while Jeonghan is trying to play it off as if he’s simply checking out and reminisce in his surroundings, what he is looking for is not an it, rather, a who.

When Yoon Jeonghan, who is usually not the type of person to be silent or stay still for long periods of time, freezes in his spot like a deer in the headlights, Seungkwan knows better than to follow his friend’s line of vision to see who exactly it was who caught his eye. Instead, Seungkwan looks toward the blue canopy near the entrance and notices that two people are missing from their posts.

Out of nowhere, Seungkwan feels someone from behind him throw their entire weight onto his shoulders. The force of the sudden weight on top of Seungkwan knocks Seungkwan’s sunhat from his head forward and onto the ground and causes him to lose his balance, but he grabs onto the unwavering Jeonghan’s shoulder to steady himself.

“Seungkwan,” Yunling sings in a sing-song voice. Her bleached blonde hair falls and covers half of Seungkwan’s face as she reaches her arm over his shoulder to wave a familiar object in front of him. “You forgot your phone.”

“Get off me. It’s hot,” Seungkwan groans while bending his knees so she can safely hop off his back. She hands him his phone to which he thanks her for. In the meantime, another person picks the sunhat from the floor and tucks a thick booklet underneath their aim pit to brush the dust off the hat before handing it back to its owner. And Seungkwan finds himself, yet again, thanking another person for handing him an item he dropped.

Seungkwan sees you bring the accounting booklet to the front of your chest while Yunling leans her elbow on your shoulder. It looks like you’re about to say something to him, but someone interrupts your question.

“Yn.” Jeonghan manages to push through his state of shock, yet your name rolls off the tip of his tongue as if he spent his entire life dedicated to saying the name.

It feels familiar because it was.

Gladly handing his daughter over to his friend, Choi Seungcheol mumbles a quiet note of gratitude before he sits up straight and rolls his shoulder backwards to stretch his back. He leans forward in his seat and comfortably rests his elbows on his knees before grabbing the untouched fork next to his salmon salad. And Seungkwan watches him dig his fork into the roasted salmon and take a hearty bite to enjoy the marinated citrus flavor of the salmon by itself before raking the metal prongs through the meat to shred it to pieces just as Seungkwan’s grandparents had taught Seungcheol to do so before they went on vacation.  

June is when Seungkwan’s friends all arrived at the farm for a Summer away from the city; January is when Seungcheol arrived at the farm, two people’s lives packed up in a couple of suitcases and cardboard boxes for time away from the city to heal and escape. The café, originally a guesthouse, returned to serve its original purpose by housing Seungcheol and his daughter for a little over half a year, and Seungkwan knows very well that he doesn’t have the heart to tell his friend that he should’ve moved out months ago. So he sits in the once sought-after spot in the café with a sleeping baby in his arms, watching the newly single father scarf down his salad like it’s his last meal. Looking at the infant, her dark-colored eyebrows and the pout that resembles her father’s all too well, stress stores itself in the pit of his stomach, finding company with the sympathetic grief he shared with the heartbroken Seungcheol who once couldn’t so much bring himself to pick up the pen to sign his divorce papers.

Falling in love is easy, but falling out of love and learning how to become whole again is a process that can shatter one’s soul and make one doubt whether or not love in any shape and form is an achievable future feat. A lifetime is not long enough to contain and overcome love’s defeat for some. And for those devastated by love, the process of falling in love would never be the same as it once was. 

Copyright © 2023 Wondernus. All rights reserved.

[saeransangel]

Futile Devices

Summary: Ellie returns to Jackson after Santa Barbara and tries to find you.

A/N: I thought of this when I heard the first/last line of the song so I had to write this out. Feedback would be appreciated!! Please comment or leave it in the ask box. Making this into a series

CW: Angst + hurt/comfort, swearing, mentions of death

WC: 1.8k NOT PROOF READ

And words are futile devices

Hot tears streamed down your face as your eyes burned holes into the back of the auburn girls head. She turned around to face you, nearly feeling your desolate stare.

Ellie didn't know what to say. She knew you were going to be broken over her leaving, but there was something sinister inside that was gnawing away at her day by day. Abby was still out there and that was not something that was going to let get away from her again. Not after everything. Not after Joel. Not after Jesse. She had to finish it.

"So that's it then?" You finally spit out. "You're just leaving me here alone?" You tried to hold in your sobs.

You had accompanied her to Seattle. You had been there for her through her entire journey. The two of you had finally started to settle down and heal from all the pain and hurt the world had brought into your lives.

"I'm sorry, Y/N." was all Ellie could muster, her gaze fixated on the floorboards. She couldn't bare to look at you, knowing that all this pain you felt was caused by her. "I have to finish it."

You let out a frustrated cry. "She doesn't get to be more important than the life we've made for ourselves."

Her stare was blank. She had heard what you said and processed it, but she knew there was nothing much she could say to make this even remotely better.

"Are you going to say anything?" You yelled.

She flinched at your tone. You had never yelled at her. Not once. It surprised her, but she knew it was deserved. After a moment she finally spoke. "I wish we were two different people. Two people who didn't need to say goodbye."

"Oh, Ellie." You tone softened from the much harsher one you had spat out earlier. You walked close enough to cup her face in your hands. "We don't have to say goodbye." Her fingers reached up to grab your hands.

"Y/N..." She sighed, tears brimming in her own eyes now. She brought your hands down from her face, still holding them in her own. She kissed your cheek softly. So softly you barely could feel her lips ghosting over your skin.

Then she was gone.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

That was the last time you saw Ellie Williams. Three months had passed and you hadn't seen her or heard a word about her. Last you heard she was in Santa Barbara.

Things were going okay. They were fine. You were soldiering on everyday. But then sometimes you would be out on patrol and see a stupid superhero collection card. Or you would think that out of the corner of your eye you would see her walking through the gates of Jackson. When things like this happened you tried your best to keep it together, but it was hard to not slip back into your bad habits like when she first left.

When she left that day you were a wreck for a month straight. There was no consoling you. All you could do was cry and worry. Dina tried her very best to comfort you but it seemed that despite her best efforts, you were still unraveled.

"Dina, I just don't understand why this had to happen. I miss her so much, I'm so worried." You sobbed, trying to catch your breath.

"I know Y/N." Dina whispered, rubbing circled on your back. That was all she could say at the time.

Now on month three without Ellie, you had begun to build up resentment. Towards yourself and towards her. You were resentful to her because she left you. On top of grieving for Jesse, who had been your best friend for years, you also had to grieve the loss of Ellie. You didn't know if she was dead or alive and at this point you could only assume the worst. But at the same time you resented yourself for even feeling this way. It felt evil and wrong. You loved this girl with all your heart and soul. It pained you the be harboring such ill will towards someone you cared so deeply for.

You shook yourself from your debilitating thoughts and sought out to find Dina, who you were out patrolling with. You found her waiting were you had tied up the horses.

"Hey, you doing alright?" She asked as you approached in silence.

"I..." miss her "I'm fine."

"Y/N, are you sure?" She asks again. She always tried to push you to open up even when you didn't want her to. But it was nice knowing she was there. You didn't want her to keep worrying about you but you also knew that if you didn't open up it would make her anxious.

"Yeah I just saw a fucking stupid trading card." You replied with a spiteful tone. Dina was quiet for a moment. Sometimes you forget she's mourning her friends too. "I'm sorry D." You said.

"Let's go home. We've got as much as we needed for today." She smiled.

Dina is an amazing friend to you. She could easily move past moments like these which helped you move past them too. You were forever grateful to her for her strength. It's been your lifeline.

The two of you rode back in comfortable silence, occasionally making small talk. The view was always so beautiful through the woods. You caught yourself smiling, enjoying the fresh air and the trees around you.

"That's what I like to see!" Dina exclaimed. It startled you out of your serenity. "Finally a genuine smile."

You laughed. You actually laughed at one of her jokes for the first time in a long time. "Yeah yeah." you sighed. "How about I race ya back?"

Without giving her a chance to respond you kick the sides you your horse and it takes off into a steady gallop.

"No fairrrr." You hear her yell from behind you. Her horse whines as it take off, advancing on you.

The guards see you two approaching and open the gate, your horses barreling in. You won but barely. You were sure that if you didn't cheat you would have lost. None the less you had a shit eating grin on your face.

The two of you continued to race the horses into the barn. Out of the corner of your eye you see a familiar silhouette with auburn hair. You shake it off, knowing that it was just a figment of your longing mind. In this moment, you finally felt free of the past and all the grief that came with it. You weren't going to let your mind ruin this for you. Maybe this is what healing felt like.

The two of you dismount your horses and brought them into the stable, getting them situated in their pens. Dina was complaining about how you cheated and barely won, you were just reveling in your small victory.

"Alright, alright." You giggled. "You're right, I'm a total mother fucker who cheated." You repeated the name she had called you seconds before.

"Thank you." She laughed and gave your shoulder a light shove. You fake flinched. "All right I'll see you later for dinner." She said as she turned on her heel walking back to her place.

You sighed happily and turned around, heading towards to field that your small house was on. You loved your little field. Wild lavender grew in small bushes and a variety of wildflowers bloomed in the spring and summer time. They were just starting to bloom for the year. As you were walking further onto the path leading up to your home, your eyes adjusted to something further ahead. You heart sank to your stomach. Your throat dried up, eyes welling with tears. No this can't be real. You thought to yourself. Your vision was blurry with tears and your breath was caught in your throat.

You turned around quickly, not wanting to dare look at the figure any longer. You nearly ran the opposite directing until you heard a voice ring out.

"Y/N,"

It's been a long, long time since I've memorized your face

Your heart was beating out of your chest, stopping dead in your tracks. You finally get the courage to turn around and when you do you see her.

"Ellie," You whisper. Your feet are moving faster than your mind, one foot desperately flying in front of the other. All resentment or anger you had felt leaving you in that moment. "Ellie!" You yelled. You were running faster than you ever had in your life. As you got closer you saw her hair was slightly disheveled. It was a bit longer than the last time you saw her. Her face still spotted with light freckles.

Your body collided with hers, arms wrapping around each other tightly. With the force of you running, you managed to send the two of you flying back, landing on the ground with an oof. Ellie sat the two of you up to where you could finally get a good look at each other. Tears were streaming down your face and hers. You couldn't get any words out. You were still in shock mentally that she was here, but your heart was hopelessly devoted to her which is how you ended up back in her arms.

Your body was trembling as you positioned yourself on your knees, hands reaching up to grab her face. "How?" Was all you could say. Your mind was racing with a million questions. What happened in Santa Barbara? Why is she back? How is she back? Is she safe? You felt her hands reach up to grasp yours, noticing her left hand now only had three digits. What happened to her fingers? She saw you noticing and got flustered. She tried to pull her hand away but you caught it, bringing it to your lips for a gentle kiss. Your eyes locked with hers.

Ellie began noticing your features. She had never forgotten what you looked like. The image of you in her head is what kept her going and fighting for all those days in exile. But somehow you looked different. You looked thinner, your once bright eyes looked drained and the bags under your eyes were dark. Her heart was breaking looking at her perfect, patient girl. The girl who ripped herself apart to follow her from Jackson to Seattle. The girl who begged her to stay when she left for Santa Barbara.

As she continued to hold you in her gaze, a strangled sob escaped from her lips. "I'm so sorry, Y/N." She cried out. "I'm so sorry." She soon felt your warm and tight embrace wrap around her trembling frame.

"Els, oh my God, you're here. You're here. I can't believe this. I-" You stopped to catch your breath. "I missed you so fucking much." You tried not to cry as you said the last part.

"I missed you too. So much." She cried.

You grabbed her arm and pulled her up, both of you standing now. You swiftly interlocked you hands.

"Let's go home."

TAGS: @percsane

[syscourse-confessions]

not to get into drama (op u can delete this if u want idm im just. really frustrated i need to type this out even if it is anonymous)

but seeing the replies on my VENT ABOUT PARTS LANGUAGE to see people going "well actually i like parts language bc im part of a (whole) person" is like. thats exactly why we don't like it

we're not "parts of a person", we're not parts of a whole. we are individual people in one brain sharing a body. we're a team, a support system, a collective, a plurality. we did not state if we were disordered or not, or what origin we have, so others statements about "healing" may or may not even be applicable to us.

if you need to call yourself "a part of a person" to understand you need to work together to heal, that's your problem, not mine. im aware we need to work together, even if we aren't "parts of a whole person", we share a body and we are able to acknowledge that, and we do not need to call ourselves less than to realize "hey we share a body, it might be good to work together"

i was simply venting about how we feel about it, how we feel in regards to papers and scientific documents and articles referring to us as personalities or parts as if we're just aspects of one whole person. us saying "hey i finally get why this makes us feel awful" on a blog meant to confess and vent is fine. if you dont like the post, keep scrolling.

my venting was literally about the whole "it worsens my symptoms / makes us feel bad when we apply that to us" thing with parts language, just like someone mentioned about their experience with person first language. it makes us feel less real and less accepted as people, and a lot of posts talking in parts language do imply that being one whole person instead of being multiple people is healthier. not every person feels that way, but i was venting about that experience

tldr: yall can use parts language if it makes u happy or feel more real but im allowed to vent about how we're hurt by posts/articles/essays referring to systems as inherently broken parts of a whole. because we (read, my system in our shared body) are not parts. we are people.

[reality-detective]

10 wise lessons from Rumi to deepen your self-awareness

1) “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

My take on this profound quote, which happens to be one of my favorites, is that when you’re in pain, you’re also in a position to heal and change. And by pain, it doesn’t necessarily mean physical pain. But rather emotional and mental. 

Rather than focus on the negatives of the situation, Rumi is suggesting that through the turmoil and disruption, there’s also an opportunity for growth – growth being the “light” that enters you. 

2) “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

As we get older, I think most of us build walls of some sort. Perhaps we’ve been hurt in the past and we’re now reluctant to go through the same painful experience again.

But a part of self-awareness is recognizing these barriers we build and continuously trying to break them down. 

If we don’t, we could miss out on beautiful relationships with others. In other words, our fear can hold us back.

So, rather than keep searching for love, as Rumi suggests, why not search within, break down those walls, and allow the right love to find you? 

This would lead to much more authentic, meaningful relationships. 

3) “Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world, today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

Probably one of the most famous Rumi quotes out there, and for good reason. 

It’s easy to judge the rest of the world. It’s easy to think that we’d do better if we were in charge.

But what many people overlook is this simple fact: If you can’t change yourself, how on earth are you going to change the world? 

I believe that Rumi is encouraging us to focus on our own behavior first before pointing the finger at others. 

As a collective, if we each made positive changes starting with ourselves, this would undoubtedly change the rest of the world as a result. 

4) “The inspiration you seek is already within you. Be silent and listen.”

Right now, there are hundreds if not thousands of life coaches out there, ready to help you find your purpose. There are millions of motivational videos on YouTube. 

We’re surrounded by the opinions of others all the time.

But according to Rumi, you don’t need any of this. 

By being self-aware and focussing inwards rather than outwards, you can find what brings you fulfillment and joy in life. 

You just need to quieten the world around you and listen to your soul. 

5) “Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”

In other words, stop comparing yourself to others. Stop paying so much attention to what others do. Stop living through the stories of people around you. 

Start creating your own story. 

You see, when you expand the depths of your self-awareness and choose your own path in life, you’re writing your own legacy. 

A legacy that actually means something to you. 

6) “The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself, everything that you want you already are.”

One thing that echoes in Rumi’s wisdom is the idea that each of us has a universe within us. 

He often encourages us to stop searching for answers externally and instead, turn our focus inwards. 

I’ve personally found his teachings profoundly helpful, especially on my journey into self-awareness. 

Through Rumi, I stopped following gurus and influencers, each promoting their own methods and practices. 

What I found was that my intuition is the best guide for me. 

After all, we each have different needs. We’re all on different journeys. 

A guru can help you up until a point, but only you, looking within, can find the answers you crave. 

7) “These pains you feel are messengers, listen to them.”

When becoming self-aware, you will undoubtedly have to face ugly truths about yourself. 

Trauma. Toxic habits. Limiting beliefs. 

These are the pains Rumi talks about. 

When you feel a blockage, or a part of yourself that holds you back, don’t ignore it. Pay attention – this is where your healing begins. 

So as you can see, his quote isn’t just about broken legs or back pain (although you should still listen to your body when it tells you it needs a break) but about healing those inner wounds. 

8) “The world is a mountain. Whatever you say, it will echo it back to you.”

On your self-awareness journey, you’ll probably start to delve more into understanding your mindset.

I noticed that I can be quite a negative person. Although I portrayed myself as positive and happy, inwards I had a horrible inner-critic. 

But as Rumi reminds us, we are what we think. The world around us is just a reflection of our thoughts. 

If you think negatively, you’ll see negativity everywhere. 

But when you adopt a positive mindset, suddenly, the world throws positivity right back at you. 

9) “There is a voice that doesn’t use words. Listen.”

The voice that doesn’t use words is your intuition. I’d like to also share this quote by Rumi: 

“The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.”

I think supports the notion that the less you speak and listen to others, the stronger your intuition becomes, something most people don’t realize.

The truth is, intuition can be honed and heightened. 

But in order to do that, we need to start listening and trusting it. 

In your self-awareness journey, you can practice this. Start with little decisions. Try to avoid asking other people for advice, or googling suggestions. 

Instead, sit quietly with yourself and let your inner voice guide you. 

10) “Do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

And finally, self-awareness leads to change. 

It brings up things that might be uncomfortable to face. Life decisions that don’t serve us. 

Mindsets that limit us. 

It’s easy to want to bury your head in the sand and avoid confronting these truths. But as Rumi says, how do you know that the other side will be worse?

If you face these areas of yourself head-on, who knows how amazing the change might be for your life?

I personally feel that with this teaching, Rumi is encouraging us to approach self-awareness with curiosity instead of fear. 

Keep an open mind. Don’t reject change. 

The unknown is always a bit scary, but we may find a wealth of new opportunities when we venture into it. 

Final thoughts:

To be honest, I could go on as Rumi’s wisdom is infinite and we’re fortunate to have so many of his teachings preserved. 

But these 10 quotes are enough to help you approach self-awareness in a more simple, soul-centered way. 

As Rumi emphasizes, less talking and more listening is the way to reach whatever form of enlightenment we’re each searching for.

If you need more guidance? 👇

To get through my Dark Knight of the Soul I used the following website which is filled with many articles.

Using the search bar, search for: 👇

• Soul Work

• Shadow Work

• Dark Knight of the Soul

You will find many topics that I am certain will resonate with pretty much everyone. 🤔

May The Spiritual Force Be With You💫

[acorpsecalledcorva]

While I do definitely wholly agree that no perspective or technique is universally useful and helpful for everyone, I definitely think there is value in being open to the perspectives and techniques that we've dismissed in a limited and specific way when we struggle.

For instance, I use parts language and view the system, including myself as a part as all being part of a collective singular me. It's why I tend not to use we/us a lot. I, and the other mes take ownership of all actions taken by petty much everyone in the system because this creates a sense of cohesion and continuality that allow us to function. It reduces daily amnesia because we're not constantly trying to distance ourselves from each other and generally reduces friction around decisions trusting that they're made with the system in mind rather than personally for each part. HOWEVER, I've always hated myself. I have incredibly negative opinions about who I am and punish myself a lot for just being me or not being a better version of me. Any mistakes I make are treated with severe prejudice and I don't accept nice things because I feel like I don't deserve them.

I would never treat anyone else like that though, I wouldn't think these things about a friend. And so for these issues it IS useful to view my parts as completely separate people, to think of them as friends or colleagues or family, because I can show them the compassion I cannot show myself. If an alter fucks up or does something harmful I can remember that they come from a history of pain and isolation, I can understand their actions and forgive them, think about what they might need from me to heal and help them move on because I truly believe that everyone is deserving of rehabilitation.

Sometimes though, I have to reverse engineer this situation. Often an issue with persecutors is that they feel rejected, their actions and behaviours were once a helpful coping mechanism but when our lives changed and we moved on it became less and less appropriate to do those things. They get stuck doing the only thing they know how to do and become increasingly frustrated that it's no longer working or being appreciated by the system. They're hostile to everyone else because they've been treated with hostility and aren't open to reconciliation because by that time it's like "oh what? Now you want to talk? Fuck you". To write them off is to confirm what they think about themselves. That they're bad and evil and so what's the point in getting better because they don't deserve compassion or acceptance from the system. Sound familiar?

So what do I do? Well, from my distanced perspective I then have to approach it with curiosity. Why might I behave this way? What scenario might lead me to do these things? What environment might convince me that this is a necessary thing to do? Can I find empathy with this position or similarities? Could that be a point of connection through which to make a connection? To show that I truly understand what they're going through and genuinely want to help?

Or even, am I subconsciously a willing participant in this dynamic? I hate myself, right? Do I think I deserve these things to do be done to me? At one point in time is this behaviour what I thought showing love was? Is this what it meant to be cared for to me back then? Does this situation feel safer to me in a way because pain and suffering is the devil I know?

In Existential Kink, Carolyn Elliott believes that we create painful scenarios for ourselves because our brains desire a more complete human experience, the good with the bad, and the more we conciously reject and resent the bad the more we desire it and create badness for ourselves. It is only by accepting this desire and gratifying ourselves by enjoying it and being grateful for the terrible things that happen that we can move on and seek out the good. Which is...definitely one of the takes of all time. I definitely take issues with the implications of victim blaming that are prevalent throughout her book, but there is insight to be drawn for sure. And in fact, the number one recommended approach to a persecutor is gratitude. To thank them for doing what they do, to show them that they're appreciated for their role and what they're trying to do, because from that position it may very well be more possible to provide constructive criticism. You have to mean it though, because by living in your head they can usually tell your true feelings.

And I completely understand why that might feel impossible to do when you feel like what they do is unforgivable, but there's a very important lesson that everyone needs to learn if they want to grow. And that's that sometimes it is up to us to take responsibility for a situation, even when we really shouldn't have to, even when it so completely isn't our fault or fair in the slightest. If what a persecutor needs to feel to change their behaviour is gratitude and acceptance, to feel that they really are a vital part of the system just like everyone else, and by providing this for them we can make things better for ourselves and the rest of the system, to create a net positive effect on all regards, then... shouldn't we? Not because of some moral duty to do the right thing or be the better person, but simply because things would be better?

Like, if there's a $1000 dollars on a table that's free for you to take, if you don't take it then no one will get it, it's only there for you to take or not with no judgement or consequences either way even if you feel like there will be, would you really not take it? And if not, then why? Do you think it's a trick? Do you think that you don't deserve it? You see how these all loop around and connect to each other?

This post is long and confusing because these situations are complicated and don't have any simple answers. All I'm trying to highlight and urge everyone to do is to never stop being curious. Always ask yourself questions, always approach something from a different angle. Especially when you come across obstacles that feel impossible. If anything that I've said feels completely wrong to you, rather than dismissing it as not being applicable to you ask yourself why you feel like it doesn't? If your persecutor is actually irredeemable and evil but mine are not, what makes you different than me? Is it easier for you to think that because then you don't have to put in the work? Does it make you feel special to have a kind of persecutor someone else doesn't? If what I'm saying right now offends you, is there a possibility, however small you think it may be, that deep down it might be true?

No, I don't think you can say for certain that every persecutor is a misguided protector, but what if the one you've decided definitely isn't actually is? What if you're wrong about them? What if you can fix it and make things better? Shouldn't you try? Why not?

[27-royal-teas]

stardust is such an important album to me not just because the music slaps (which, fuck, it DOES) but because of its message. its theme. It’s all about nihilism and the beauty found in that nihilism.

one of the things that stood out to me that makes this album different from the rest are the two spoken word interludes within. There is baby annihilation, and there is the pink seashell. the pink seashell is taken from my mom’s favorite 90s movie, Reality Bites - it’s Ethan Hawke’s moment, the moment where you get to learn a bit more about Troy Dyer, get to see how he ticks. essentially, it explains that when his father was dying of cancer, he brought him to a beach and gave him this pink seashell and told him it contained all the answers. the shell, of course, was empty. but through learning that - through learning that life means nothing - that gives so much room to do EVERYTHING. there is no purpose that you have, so you can take a chance. you can savor the small things and open your arms to the world. there is no answer, but that IS the answer. if there’s no purpose in life, why not milk it for all it’s worth?

and this album. it bookends so neatly. it’s a rock opera, and it connects through the theme and the music. in the beginning, it asks you : what would you trade the pain for? this is a question that’s held in your brain throughout the album, and it’s repeated in the end. I felt you in the beginning but needed you at the end. it’s a love album, as many of fall out boy’s albums are, but as much as it holds love for others, it’s also a lot about learning to love yourself. we haven’t been calling tourdust the tour of healing for nothing. there’s self contentment in this album that hasn’t been present in the past. there’s reflection in baby annihilation and the kintsugi kid, and it’s even stated in I Am My Own Muse - we are influenced by ourselves and our own experiences. it jokingly mocks the things we’ve experienced collectively, through different eyes - references to Covid in What A Time To Be Alive and IAMOM.

musically, fall out boy goes back to their roots, but it feels more mature. it’s like they’re acknowledging their past but they don’t regret any of it. there are experimental things within, too! patrick shows off his scoring talents, and there is more usage of symphonies and stringed instruments that follow throughout the tracks. it’s such a tangible album. everything feels so real, from the instruments in the songs to the art on the cover. it’s one of my favorite albums, and going to the bristow show at tourdust was probably one of the best moments of my life. its thesis is so important in this current world we live in, where everything feels hopeless - it may be hopeless, but in that hopelessness there is so much that can be DONE.

[novadreii]

Mmm actually I think we do owe love and care to our loved ones! We do owe each other things sometimes! There is a duty of care in our relationships that we should do our very best to uphold. It's the basis for human connection? An informal agreement we have with someone dear to us that we will support and cherish them and not just when it's easy and in the ways that feel effortless to us but also in the ways that they feel most loved.

We owe each other consideration. We owe each other a chance to chime in on important things and we should not make unilateral decisions. We owe each other reassurance sometimes too! Gasp!

I know that we're unlearning our generational trauma collectively but what's the point if we draw such hard boundaries around ourselves that nobody is let in, and nobody is helped, loved or considered when they really need it?

What is the point of being connected to another human being if it's understood between the two of you that if shit hits the fan, they are loyal only to themselves and you can get fucked?

I get it. We need to be self-sufficient. We can't rely on someone to the point of falling apart when they leave the house. But entering into a relationship or close friendship (or nurturing our existing familial relationships that are healthy) is a declaration that we CAN but don't WANT to be 100% self-sufficient anymore. We'd like to outsource a portion of our bandwidth to the other person. And in exchange, we take on some of theirs. It can't be rainbows all the time: again, most of us are traumatized by our parents in some way. We have behaviours that make us unpleasant sometimes! But why does that necessarily mean that we cut each other off when we show symptoms? When we actually need to cash in on some support the most? Where pray tell lies the nuance between "cut off abusive people who have no intention of changing" and "sometimes our loved ones can act ugly on the road to healing, but as long as they commit to bettering themselves I will see them through it"???? Does the latter not exist at all?

The act of caring and being cared for is one of the only fucking things we have left that can sustain our hearts in this bleak world. If you don't want to be burdened with the expectation of reciprocation in your relationships then what is the point of seeking connection? You are missing a fundamental fucking variable.

[elisabethbabarci]

RECLAIM YOUR LIFE

We as a collective are embracing a new era of higher awakening of the internal self which will enable us to have empowerment.

If you are seeking answers, go within and listen to your intuition. Only you understand what is best for you. Drown out the noise, the chaos, or anything that is wreaking havoc on your life.

Allow yourself to take the sacred time to devote to yourself to heal, rejuvenate, unplug, and regain your inner peace, sovereignty, and balance. State “I declare I will not allow anyone to disrupt my inner peace and my inner balance.” Engage in meditations to help assist your inner core, soul, body, and mind to release what does not serve your highest good.

No matter what is occurring around you, embrace hummingbird spirit of being in the now, the present, to enhance your concentration and focus. Never allow anyone with negative intentions to influence your peaceful state of mind. Give up the need to fight or to seek an enemy.

Meditative journeys are always encouraged to go deep within for the souls internal answers to metaphysical questions about life and the self. Set the intention before the meditation for what answers you wish to seek.

When you are aligned, centered, balanced, no one can take away your sovereignty, liberty, inner peace, power without your consent. — Elisabeth Babarci

Restore yourself back to a perfect state of health. Rebuild yourself to become the best, powerful and strongest version of yourself for you and others.

The greatest legacy is how you treat others, your words, your actions are powerful! What you decide to do as you act and not react becomes your future. Always be the change that you want to see.

We might not hear this very often but I will speak on behalf of the collective, no matter what we encounter we always have support during our journey. Understand that you might experience feeling lonely but you are not alone. You are never alone. If you feel helpless, get another perspective. Help and assistance are always available in any capacity. Others that are healthy for our development will support us as we evolve and grow. Many individuals will teach us fundamental and important lessons that benefit our self growth and awakening.

What do you do when you experience the feeling of powerlessness? Often we get into a space where we are pushed beyond our limit and we feel that there is a need to respond in a negative reaction. Never give your energy or time or attention on any experience, situation, or individual that has proven to not have your best interest in mind.

Practice grounding while you are experiencing the state of uncertainty. You can not control circumstances however, you can master the self. Why? Everyone will always be in a place of self judgement, reacting not acting and living in fear. Our awakening occurs when we focus on what we can control, which is ourselves. Circumstances may make you feel defeated and powerless however, never allow anyone or any circumstance to override your inner peace.

Always be mindful how your actions influence and have an impact on others, especially your words, when we do anything in anger it has the worst impact. Realign, re-assess and regain your strength and move forward in the direction that is best for you. Stop concentrating on the problem and work towards positive solutions. If a situation, experience, or individual causes you to feel a negative emotion, release them, they are not in alignment with your life. Move forward. — Elisabeth Babarci

The question that all masters ask is this , “when we give our liberty power what occurs? Do we create more? Do we experience life more? Do we feel we have the freedom to express and be who we are? No one can force you to do anything that is not good for you. How do you know? You will feel it in your core when things are right or wrong, utilize your intuition.

What occurs when you give your power, your emancipation, your rights away? What in your daily life makes you feel your liberties are being eroded? Remember, once you give away your power, you set the tone for others to do the same. No one deserves your power, time, or energy that does not have your best interest in mind — that is abuse. It is a visious cycle. Ask yourself, what part of you feels that you deserve to be controlled? Restricted? Powerless? Identify these challenges in your life and move forward in a peaceful manner to take the time to work on yourself. True transformation only occurs within. No one under any circumstance can walk your journey for you. You are meant to achieve greatness. Everyone has the ability to be who they want to be. You were born with a mind to think. Why give away your precious talents to those who do not believe in you?

Respect authority — those that have lived, experienced, and are willing to teach and impart their wisdom to you to overcome challenges.

Give yourself the permission to let go of things that you can not control. If you experience injustice, have the knowledge that there are periods of time when you will never receive an apology, find within yourself to forgive so that you are not attached to the situation any further. Do not worry what others are doing, focus on your own inner alignment, balance and journey.

When you release the need to control you free your mind, body, and soul. Release the experience that has hurt you or that has left a mark on you on a deep profound level. When we hold onto negative emotions we are giving the circumstance or the individual the power over us because you are reacting.

Learn from the perspective to release what is not needed any longer. Uncertainty is always certain, we will face challenges that we need to overcome for our greater awareness and self growth. That is evolution.

How do you block the good from coming into our life? When you force a situation that is not in alignment with you. Circumstances might be flowing in a certain direction but if you alter the course because you want to control, are impatient or greed it will delay what is supposed to come to you. Allow the sequence of events to flow , while focusing on your self development. You can not be someone else, so why compare? No one made you do anything, it is what we allow and decide. I.e. You can not force someone to love you, if it is meant to be it will work out. Allow situations to flow with ease and grace.

A true leader allows everyone the emancipation to have freedom and choice, to allow their creative potential to flourish and blossom. Remember, if something is not right for you at the period of time there will always be opposition. When the timing is right, everything will be balanced and aligned for your highest good.

Love has no limits or boundaries. Love is not control. Love is the most powerful force in the world.

Ask yourself these fundamental questions, “What aspect of me wants to remain dependent? controlled? powerless?”

What is occurring within us will be mirrored externally. If we feel powerless then you will keep attracting those that want to erode and diminish your freedom.

Always be in the position of higher awareness and empowerment for yourself and others. Stop. Think. Listen. Observe. Stop reacting to situations and act to rebuild yourself and create. There will always be obstacles, it is how we navigate them. Never give into negative emotions, rise above it. Encourage higher empowerment and growth for yourself and others.

Forgive — release — rebuild. Do not limit yourself. You matter. You are loved. You are accepted. You are important. You contribute many gifts and talents to this earth. Be brave and be the best version of yourself from this day forward. Discover and embrace who you are.

[brolantra]

I accept people for who they are. But I also know how to separate who they are from their performative aspects and from how trauma has impacted them. A lot of people can’t heal because they have tied their identity around all of their trauma. They think THATS who they are and healing that would mean to them losing themselves. It’s inherently flawed. Who are you outside of your pain? Who are you outside of your trauma? Who are you at your core? I see that. I respect and honor that. But I also see your pain. And that’s worthy of shining light on and healing. Pretending only makes shit worse and I can’t get with this new age discourse of “just let people live” when it’s further hurting themselves and the collective. Keeping themselves disconnected from the truth of their being. It’s a big part of why the world is the way it is now. We say we’re only responsible for ourselves and that’s only true to an extent.. cuz we’re all connected and we’re all responsible for one another whether we want to be or not

[system-of-a-feather]

Also on our recovery, a lot of the time when I state "we are at functional multiplicity" and want to explain it, a part of me gets caught up on the fact that we don't formally know or communicate with a whole half of our system - not be cause I think it discredits me or that I don't understand how I can have both, because I do - but because I know verbally and as someone who was not at this place even just a year ago that it sounds impossible to be so sure while formally knowing so little

And so usually I dodge around it and allude to it despite knowing that no one on here is both not blocked (or soon to be blocked) and an ass to go "owo liar" or "well i think you just want to be at functional multiplicity and are in denial" (<- thats borderline gaslighting, anyone who would say that is projecting and assuming we don't know our own experiences because they don't) solely because until this post I didnt have the verbage to explain it

But the reason I can be confident in the claim AND know so little is because at a certain point in healing, I learned to be in tune and listen to what I assume is similar to a singlet's "gut intuition" and "inherent sense of whole self" and for me it is this hard to describe nonverbal solely emotional sense of knowing about the whole self and the sides of it and I've largely learned to tune myself into that very quiet inherent sensation and to trust it

Its not a part in the system, its not a gatekeeper, its not any thing telling us anything, its a collective sense that most frequently fronting / co-conning parts can tune into if they try that just... is there.

Its amorphous, unclear, and has no inherent stable nature or traits - no face no voice no existence, just an intangible feeling of Knowing about ourselves. There is no reason we Know these things, no explicit evidence, facts, memories, experiences or testimonies. The experience we tune into just simply Knows.

And at this point? We trust it. Its our very ambiguous, blurry, foggy, silent and mysterious collective self - not one with an identity but one born by the connection of all of our parts - like a red string of fate that ties our intuitions together on the same page.

No one who is actively, consciously around knows the depth of what lies on the otherside (save for maybe one but I think she is just the most intune with it and bullshits on the fly off of it) and while we dont actively consciously know ANYTHING enough to make a case as to how we "know", we don't need to know to Know anything about ourselves

Whatever esoteric ethereal sense of self charges the Knowing knows and so we know because that ethereal sense of self that Knows is Us. We know ourselves even if we dont Know Ourselves.

It's funky shit honestly to put into words but it totally makes sense and is intuitive in practice.

We know because we just Know. We know because its us. Why WOULDNT we know?

[schrijverr]

A Behind the Scenes of: 1986

Jonathan talks about the first year of the book, giving insight into the time when they all had to pick their lives back up again.

On AO3.

Ships: steddie, jargancy (past ronance)

Warnings: homophobia mention

~~~~~~~~~

“Hi, I’m Jonathan Byers, the main photographer and editor of A Collection of Queer Photography,” he starts out the video. “Today I’m giving you a behind the scene look of ‘86. A lot of people have tweeted us about what had happened and curious about it all, so I thought we’d get into it for a little bit.”

“I myself wasn’t in Hawkins when it happened,” Jonathan tells the viewers. “But there were a few murders by Henry Creel, which send the town in a panic before there was an earthquake. Max got injured, Eddie too, and it was all chaos, so we returned to help.”

“As people commented the book doesn’t start in the immediate aftermath or when we actually formed our little mismatched family and this was very intentional,” Jonathan says.

He explains: “We wanted the focus to be queerness, not the other tragedies that preceded it. We didn’t start coming out until ‘86, except for Robin to Steve. A lot of self discovery happened later and that was our focus. And there are times, we just don’t want to comment on or put out there like we’ve done with other private moments. So, we decided to start when we all came together and started healing and finding ourselves”

“So that’s why, but with that out of the way, let’s get to the first photo,” Jonathan nods to himself, grabbing the book and flipping it open at the start. “The first one is Calm after the Quakes.”

The photo is of the quarry, rocks in the background and a little beach in the foreground. Central in the image are Argyle, Nancy, Steve and Eddie. Nancy is on Argyle’s shoulders, Eddie on Steve’s, the four of them fighting playfully, big grins on their faces. Eddie’s scars are easily seen, they look raw, but have healed quite a bit already.

In the foreground to the side are Robin and Max, floating together with a pool noodle. Erica is swimming over to them.

In the background the four boys are floating in midair. An onlooker would think they’re jumping, but both Steve and Jonathan had banned the boys from jumping that high. Instead El was floating them up to an acceptable height to drop them. It makes that they’re clear and artistically posed in the photograph, since El and Jonathan had coordinated on the picture. You can only make out her form in the water if you squint.

“This was an introductory image and to set the tone for the rest of the book,” Jonathan says. “This one took the longest to pick out, but I settled on this one, because it is peaceful photo of all of us having fun, but there is an underlying tragedy still. Eddie’s scars are visible and it was right after Max got her casts off and was allowed in the water again.”

“The quarry was kind of abandoned by many after ‘83 and that made it this little refuge of the eyes of the town that were seemingly always watching,” Jonathan says. “We spend a lot of days out there, even just at the shore to get away from it all. It’s an important spot for all of us, so it felt like a good place to start.”

“What I love about this photo is how playful all of them are. It is hard to imagine when you haven’t been through it, but they all looked like adults for so long, so to see them let go and be little idiots together was so special,” Jonathan says.

He’s quiet for a second, then goes on: “This is also one of the first photos I took that year. I almost gave up on my passion, that dream. I still carried my camera with me, I just never pulled it out until everyone was starting to feel normal again. Until I started to feel normal again. So, yeah, this photo is important on many levels and a good start.”

Jonathan flips the page as he clears his throat, scanning over the photos for a second, before he continues: “Page 4 and 5 were to introduce Eddie and Steve and their relationship. They are part of us older teens – yes, I was a teen once – and that group has become the most prominent in the book, just because we lived together during that era and saw each other the most.”

“These photos also are a good example of what our hang outs looked like back then. Me and Argyle were together as well, but I was still getting back into photography and never broke out the camera when it was just us two,” Jonathan explains further. “So, Eddie and Steve also are the first queer couple I actually photographed. They were the start for me.”

“Anyway, enough of my rambling,” Jonathan moves on. “The first photo is Poolside Talks, which is a group photo.”

Poolside Talks is of Steve and Eddie sitting next to a pool. They’re sitting turned to each other, both one leg in the pool, Steve has the other thrown over Eddie’s, so they’re sitting nearly chest to chest. Steve is braiding a few strands of Eddie’s hair, while Eddie is talking. Both are smiling. Robin is floating in the pool with the same pool noodle as before. Nancy sits close by Robin on the other side of the pool, feet dangling in the water, Argyle next to her.

“Some people wondered where this is. This is Steve’s parents house, where he lived before they kicked him out. They were out of town often, so it was kind of Steve’s house,” Jonathan says. “I think they sold it after kicking him out.”

“I love casual intimate moments like this,” Jonathan continues. “As a queer person, you’re often very conscious about how you’re perceived and in moments like this, you didn’t have to think about it. A lot of people complain about PDA and, yeah, it can get annoying, but I’ll always support it.”

“Eddie and Steve aren’t the only poolside flirtation that’s happening though,” Jonathan points out. “Nancy and Robin were dancing around each other here too. They used to date for a little bit, but long distance did them in. I would be more sorry about it, but it got Nancy together with me and Argyle and I can’t be mad about that.”

“Shout out to our baby,” Argyle calls out from behind the camera.

“Yes, shout out,” Jonathan grins as he agrees.

On screen Poolside Talks gets replaced with Lighting of the Joint, which is taken on the same night in the backyard. Eddie is sitting on one of the lounge chairs along the pool, on his chest lies Steve, draped over him. Eddie’s face is turned towards Argyle, both have a joint in their mouth and they’re leaning in. It is unclear which joint is being lit by the other.

“The next photo is Lighting of the Joint,” Jonathan says. “This is taken on the same night. All of these are, I finally worked up the courage to be obnoxiously in everyone’s face with it again.”

“You’re never obnoxious, baby boy,” Argyle says gently.

“I know,” Jonathan replies, looking like this is a conversation they have often.

He moves back to the image. “I love how homoerotic this photo is. It’s gotten out of style, but it used to be a move to light someone’s cigarette back then. This photo makes it both queer and removes the romantic connotations, which I adore.”

“Argyle isn’t making a move on Eddie, just being too lazy to look for his lighter. Yet, it creates this intimate moment between them, which is amplified with Steve. There is this connection between him and Eddie that kind of bleeds on. I’m explaining it horribly, but I just love it. People being comfortable together and blurring lines between them can be so tender.”

“Okay, last photo of the night is Late Night Serenade. For those who think Eddie got dramatic due to the fame, know that this is incorrect and he has always been like that,” Jonathan jokes.

The photo is of Steve, who is sitting on the balustrade that is by the porch, there is a normal cigarette hanging from his lips, which are forming a soft smile. In front of him is Eddie on one knee, back to the camera, but acoustic guitar obvious in his grip.

“Steve didn’t smoke weed at the time, he got into later than me, Argyle and Eddie and he only smoked socially, but it gives such a frame of that era,” Jonathan says.

“What I especially like about this photo is how fond Steve looks, how in love. His reaction is the focus of this photo. Eddie would move heaven and earth to make Steve smile, especially after the year we all had had,” Jonathan tells the camera. “I wanted to capture the results of his efforts. What he found important, what his goal was by doing this.”

After that Jonathan flips the page again. He introduces: “Page 6 and 7 were the back to school and the reinventing of the self to go into this new year. It sounds dramatic, but after the summer, it felt like preparing for battle for those that had to go back.”

On screen a photo of Robin in a chair appears, Nancy behind her with clippers. She is given an undercut and grinning like a lunatic as it happens. You can see in their clothes that it is fall, since Nancy is wearing a soft knitted sweater and Robin a black shirt, sleeves rolled up, with Steve’s Letterman, hanging off her as to not get as many hairs on it.

“First photo is Haircuts, when Robin decided to get an undercut as her reinvention,” Jonathan says. “It is that classic butch DIY haircut that she rocked for a while before getting a buzzcut, which is also a staple.”

“I feel like DIY haircuts are very much a queer thing, so I’m really glad I photographed this moment. Because especially lesbians and trans people aren’t given the haircuts they want by hairdressers, because of how they are perceived and what the hairdresser thinks fits with that perception, so DIY is kind of the only way to get what you want,” Jonathan explains.

“Also the Letterman is Steve’s, but I think Robin never gave it back,” Jonathan laughs. “Those two live in each other’s pockets. If you see Steve in a funky pattern, Robin bought it for herself. Lesbian butchness and gay masculinity are very close together and they are the embodiment of that.”

“Okay, the next photo is Corroded Coffin back in School, I talked about that in my first Corroded Coffin video, so we’ll link to that in the description,” Jonathan says, then looks at a point besides the camera and asks: “Did I say that right?”

“Hell yeah, baby boy, hit it on the head,” Argyle assures him, which earns him a proud little smile from Jonathan.

“Thanks,” he replies, before moving on. “So, other on this page is Back to School.”

Back to School is taken through the front window of the BMW, Steve is behind the wheel mid-sentence, gesturing with one hand. Robin is looking at her undercut in the mirror in the car, one hand raised as if quieting Steve. Nancy is opening the door on the passenger side.

“This is a very common scene of that time,” Jonathan says. “Robin couldn’t drive, so Steve drove her to school each morning, before going to work. I have had to carpool with the two of them a few times over the years and when they forget you are there, they have the weirdest conversations and arguments.”

“As you can see here, Steve is arguing his point and Robin is waving his point away as she checks herself over,” Jonathan points out. “If Nance wasn’t interrupting them, then whatever conversation they were having, would have continued for hours more.”

“Nancy opening the door here is part of the buildup of her and Robin getting together,” Jonathan says. “I love looking back and seeing moments like these in photos.”

He flips the page and snorts, shaking his head to himself, before he explains: “Okay, so this is thanksgiving of 1986 and the first photo is Thanksgiving Mishaps.”

The photo is everyone sitting around a table, which is laden with food. For those familiar it is the house Hopper and Joyce bought together when Hopper came back from the dead and Joyce came back to Hawkins.

At the head of the table is Hopper, on his right is Joyce and on his left is Murray. His arms are crossed, but he’s laughing as is Joyce, whose hand is on his arm. Murray is raising his brow in a knowing matter, aiming it at Jonathan.

Jonathan is in the foreground. He has set the timer, but in his hurry back to the table, he tripped and is now sprawled over Argyle’s lap. It is the reason for everyone’s laughter and why no one looks into the camera. Argyle’s hand is hovering around Jonathan, as if he’s catching him. His eyes would have been wide, if he had been able to open them further through his high.

Between Argyle and Joyce are Will, Mike, and El. Will is startled back, but mid laughter, bumping into Mike, who is stopped by El. El has a small smile on her face, Mike has a more pained expression, Will’s elbow in his side an obvious culprit.

Across from them are Nancy, Robin, Steve, Eddie, who are shoved quite close together to make Lucas and Max fit too. Nancy hides her laugh behind her hand, while Eddie has a casual arm slung around Steve and is laughing openly. Robin looks like she is choking on the sip she just took and Steve is trying to help. Max and Lucas are laughing at Jonathan, but look to be holding hands under the table. Max’s eyes are hard to see through her thick glasses.

Erica is seated at the other head. It is clear she was turned around to smile for the picture, however now she is turned only a quarter and raising a judgmental eyebrow at Jonathan’s back. She is not impressed how his legs stick out next to hers.

“Now, I have one where I didn’t trip and made the timer just fine and we’re all smiling into the camera and it’s very respectable,” Jonathan says. “But it was just too fake. I don’t like posed photos in domestic settings, so this one spoke to me more. Even if I embarrassed the hell out of myself.”

“It’s just such a moment,” Jonathan smiles. “I really love the diverse reactions you get with such a big group. It’s full of joy and I love that. Like you have Robin, who is choking, Will who is full on elbowing Mike, Nancy who is trying to hide her laughter, Agryle who is actually checking if I’m okay and the people that are just plain laughing at me or Erica, who is judging me.”

“I’ll always check in on you, buttercup,” Argyle tells him, which earns him a shy little grin.

“Fun fact, this is actually not thanksgiving itself,” Jonathan continues. “It was on black Friday, since many parents weren’t a fan of their kids not spending thanksgiving itself with family. So we celebrated a day late. Later years we did celebrate on thanksgiving, which caused some big fights, especially with Nancy and Mike’s parents.”

“But let’s not talk about that,” Jonathan moves on. “We didn’t have a group photo of Christmas from this year, but me and Nancy agreed that a big family photo like this should be at the start somewhere to kind of introduce everyone.”

“Wayne had to work this year, so he isn’t there and Murray is more a distant uncle that shows up sometimes, but he came this time,” Jonathan says.

“This is a good introductory photo since it also shows the dynamics between us all as a family, but also which people tend to stick together,” Jonathan explains. “It’s not like we have cliques or something, that’s silly, but it’s natural to be closer to some people than with others. A good example of this is Eddie, Steve and Robin, who are already a little unit here.”

“And now the last photo of 1986 is a little underwhelming maybe, but it’s Family Dishes,” Jonathan introduces.

Family Dishes is a photograph of the kitchen counter. It is filled to the brim with dishes, but there are three sets of hands working on them. The first are Robin’s recognizable by the chipped polish, she is rinsing the dishes. The second are Steve’s also wearing polish, but it’s neater, he is washing the dishes. The third are drying and belong to Eddie, adorned by rings.

“I love environmental storytelling and zooming in on a detail to show a grander narrative,” Jonathan says. “The title and amount of dishes allude to a big gathering and the hands are working together a team. I think that’s neat.”

“I also love how you can recognize, who are washing the dishes by their hands. Though, maybe that’s just because I know them all so well,” Jonathan tells the audience. “Robin is rinsing, Steve is washing and Eddie is drying. They had to fight mom to do the dishes.”

Jonathan adds: “I love that it’s the three of them too. I know any combination of us could have been washing the dishes and it would have said the same, but it being the three of them just feels right. They are a family unit of their own, their lives have been interlinked from the second they met and you can already see the start of how they’re going to live their lives here. A little foreshadowing almost.”

“The three of them fit very well too,” Jonathan says. “Robin hates touching the dirty water, Steve hates touching the food scraps and Eddie hates getting his rings wet, so they all naturally have a preferred task that fits together perfectly.”

“Anyway, I’m getting way too sentimental about dishes, so I’m going to stop now,” Jonathan finishes up. “Thank you so much for watching and I hope that was interesting. Bye.”

[piscesseer]

Passion & Desire: Mars in Scorpio 🔥

Mars will enter Scorpio on October 12, remaining there until November 24. When these two celestial forces align, the resulting energy is powerful and mysterious. Mars and Scorpio are known for their passion and intensity. Find out what else happens when the planet of fiery action meets with intense, secretive Scorpio.

Mars in Scorpio invites us to explore the depths of our desires, making us eager to work toward our goals. This transit also confronts the shadows that lurk within us. There is a powerful and transformative energy present that can bring about changes in our lives too.

In classical astrology, Mars is the ruling planet of both Aries and Scorpio. While Aries was the day home of Mars, it found its second home in dark and secretive Scorpio. Scorpio is more patient and emotionally nuanced than the brazen Aries. While Mars has warrior-like anger and drive that is also found in Scorpio, it is presented in a more cool and calculated way with Scorpio energy.

While Mars transits Scorpio, passion and desire are heightened. Whether in relationships, career pursuits, or personal projects, we are driven by an intense need to satisfy the things that we want. This can be a great time to start new projects, pursue our passions, and make changes in our lives that have been long overdue.

We can expect to feel a surge of energy and motivation to take action on our goals. Our drive and focus on getting what we want increases tenfold. We may also be more willing to take risks and go after what we want, even if it means making some big changes in our lives. We could be secretive about our motivations and goals though, wanting to keep them close.

It's important to be aware that Mars in Scorpio can be a time of intense emotions and power struggles. We may find ourselves feeling more competitive, jealous, or possessive than usual. It's important to channel this energy in a positive way and use it to fuel our drive and ambition.

We don’t seek confrontation, but we’re unafraid of it. We’re ready to defend and oppose if necessary. We are less likely to avoid important issues. In some ways, we’re attracted to crisis. We would rather feel extreme emotions than none at all. We have difficulties letting things go or calling it a day.

Our desire to experience our emotional depths and explore deeper levels of existence is powerful. This is a time when buried emotions resurface, and inner conflicts demand resolution. We may find ourselves confronting fears, insecurities, and desires that have long been suppressed. 

The shadow self, representing the hidden and often darker aspects of our personality, can become more pronounced. We may confront our own demons and work towards integrating these aspects of ourselves for personal growth and healing.

Mars in Scorpio brings to the surface hidden tensions and unresolved conflicts that have been simmering beneath the surface. These issues demand our attention and action, pushing us to confront the uncomfortable truths that need addressing. It's a time when social movements gain momentum, and the collective consciousness is awakened to issues that have long been ignored.

Mars in Scorpio is a period of intense energy, transformation, and passion. It leads to societal shifts and the emergence of buried truths. It encourages deep emotional exploration, the pursuit of desires, and personal transformation. While this transit can be challenging due to its intensity, it also offers the potential for profound growth and empowerment. As we navigate Mars in Scorpio, we are reminded of the eternal cycle of death and rebirth, urging us to embrace our own transformations and the broader societal changes it heralds.

Journal Prompts for Mars in Scorpio

🔥 What are my deepest desires and passions?  🔥 Are there any desires I've been suppressing? Why? 🔥 How can I incorporate more passion into my daily life and routine? 🔥 Are there any past traumas or unresolved issues affecting my present behavior? 🔥 What aspects of my personality do I find challenging to accept? 🔥 How do I handle intense emotions and situations? 🔥 What steps can I take to confront a current fear and work through it? 🔥 Reflect on a time when self-care helped me navigate a difficult situation.