#we owe our loved ones care! & they owe it to us! If dynamics need to be adjusted the have that discussion

[novadreii]

Mmm actually I think we do owe love and care to our loved ones! We do owe each other things sometimes! There is a duty of care in our relationships that we should do our very best to uphold. It's the basis for human connection? An informal agreement we have with someone dear to us that we will support and cherish them and not just when it's easy and in the ways that feel effortless to us but also in the ways that they feel most loved.

We owe each other consideration. We owe each other a chance to chime in on important things and we should not make unilateral decisions. We owe each other reassurance sometimes too! Gasp!

I know that we're unlearning our generational trauma collectively but what's the point if we draw such hard boundaries around ourselves that nobody is let in, and nobody is helped, loved or considered when they really need it?

What is the point of being connected to another human being if it's understood between the two of you that if shit hits the fan, they are loyal only to themselves and you can get fucked?

I get it. We need to be self-sufficient. We can't rely on someone to the point of falling apart when they leave the house. But entering into a relationship or close friendship (or nurturing our existing familial relationships that are healthy) is a declaration that we CAN but don't WANT to be 100% self-sufficient anymore. We'd like to outsource a portion of our bandwidth to the other person. And in exchange, we take on some of theirs. It can't be rainbows all the time: again, most of us are traumatized by our parents in some way. We have behaviours that make us unpleasant sometimes! But why does that necessarily mean that we cut each other off when we show symptoms? When we actually need to cash in on some support the most? Where pray tell lies the nuance between "cut off abusive people who have no intention of changing" and "sometimes our loved ones can act ugly on the road to healing, but as long as they commit to bettering themselves I will see them through it"???? Does the latter not exist at all?

The act of caring and being cared for is one of the only fucking things we have left that can sustain our hearts in this bleak world. If you don't want to be burdened with the expectation of reciprocation in your relationships then what is the point of seeking connection? You are missing a fundamental fucking variable.

[theocddiaries]

Sonic: Oh, careful, here comes Mr. Polite himself… Robotnik: What do you mean by that, you rat? Shadow: That your vocabulary consists mostly of insults. Robotnik: What are you talking about, you failed experiment piece of crap?! When have I ever disrespected anyone? Name one single time! FLASHBACKS 1. Robotnik: Let me explain it to you. You’re dumb, I’m smart. You have power, I steal it. You now have to fix the mess I made using that stolen power, and I step aside while plotting how to ruin your day tomorrow. You think, "what a bastard the fat guy is," and I tell you, "exactly," because it was embarrassing how long it was taking you to understand the dynamic, Shadow. 2. [Shadow is lying on a stretcher, struggling to breathe.] Robotnik: Good news. Sonic: Can you help him? Robotnik: No, I have no bloody idea how this guy works. Sonic: Then what’s the good news?! Robotnik: Well, didn’t he have a death wish? Congratulations, Shadow, today your dreams will come true. 3. [Rouge and Sonic gift their Chao to Shadow.] Rouge: Shadoooow, look what we got for you~ Shadow: Ugh, I told you I don’t want-- Aw, it looked at me. It’s mine now. [takes the Chao and pets it.] Robotnik [passes by, freezes when he sees the Chao]: Holy crap, it’s multiplying! [Eggman throws a can at the Chao, sending it flying and bouncing from the impact. Shadow yelps and goes to see if it's okay] Robotnik: You're welcome! And you owe me a soda! 4. Robotnik: Good morning, Commander Towers. What do you need me for? To tell you the time? Let me see… Well, look for yourself. Yes, sir, a solid gold watch. Earned dishonorably, unlike you, who hires zoo animals to avoid paying the bare minimum a human would charge. Rouge [frowning alongside Shadow]: Eggman, we’re right here. Robotnik: And the peanuts they pay you with are over there. [Laughs in their faces.] 5. [Shadow is collecting signatures. Eggman approaches angrily, grabs the papers, and tears them to pieces.] Robotnik: You! Traitor! Collecting signatures to get me kicked off the island, huh?! You ungrateful wretch! If it weren’t for me, you’d still be a frozen popsicle! Shadow: …Ivo, first of all, you did that for yourself, like everything else. Maybe that’s why they want you gone. And second, this isn’t the petition to kick you out. I was collecting signatures for a charity event to help the children’s hospital. Robotnik: Oh… well, sorry, I didn’t realize you were on one of your karma-burning stupid stuff. I knew that even with our differences, you wouldn’t participate in that. Shadow [hands over some laminated pages]: Oh, no, I did participate. Here are all the signatures to officially kick you out. Robotnik: What?! [takes the pages and starts hitting Shadow in the face with the laminated papers like a fan.]: I curse the hour, minute, second, and millisecond my grandfather thought it’d be a good idea to teach you how to speak and write!!!!! 6. Sonic: No way, I’m not doing anything with this guy. I bet I won’t even take a single step before he throws me down the stairs. Robotnik: Hey, that’s offensive, Sonic. This is a mess that affects all of us. I’ve got robots and a daughter waiting for me at home, you know? Sonic: Well, yeah, but… Robotnik: But what? So much talk, so little action. You love saying everyone deserves a chance to get applause, but when it really matters… Sonic: Alright, you’re right. I’m sorry. Let’s go-- [Sonic starts going down the stairs. Robotnik shoves him, and Sonic tumbles down while Robotnik laughs hysterically, to the point of tears]. Robotnik: Hahaha! Oh my God! [to the rest of the group]: I swear on everything, I meant it. I wasn’t going to do it! But he looked at me with that dumb innocent face, and I couldn’t resist! Hahahahaha!!!! PRESENT Robotnik: …I said one time. How are you supposed to understand my sense of humor when you can’t even understand a simple question? I feel so intellectually lonely…

[karespocketboyfriends]

𝙴𝚟𝚒𝚎’𝚜 𝙶𝚞𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚃𝚘 𝙱𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝙰 𝙶𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝙰𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚝

Sylus X Evie (OC)

Warnings -> 18+ NSFW (penetration/use of ‘sweetie, kitten, sir’/light power play/climax control/gentle hair pulling & teeth grazing) Sylus lowkey offs a guy, situationship dynamic

An original fan-fiction for Love and Deepspace. I appreciate reblogs but reposting to Tumblr or any other site is not okay with me.

𝒯𝒾𝓅 #1: 𝒜 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝒾𝓈 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝑜𝓅 𝑜𝒻 𝒷𝓊𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓈𝓈

My head snaps up as the dining room doors swing open, a ridiculously tall man strolling through like he owns the place. Well, actually, he does own the place.

“Welcome back, Sir.” I greet him in a calm but upbeat manner. “Is any of that blood yours? Should I dig out the first aid kit?”

Sylus, the big bad boss of Onychinus and the devil parents use to scare their children into behaving, doesn’t glance my way. Instead, he makes the blood staining his figure vanish into black mist and heads for the back end of the large dining table. “No. Bring me some wine.”

Setting the documents in my hand down, I get up and move to his displayed collection. “Do you have a preference today?”

I hear a chair pull out, hear the rustling of his clothing as he sits down. “No.”

“Then you can have whatever I can reach.”

I think I hear him snicker, but don’t risk commenting on it. In no time at all, I have a glass filled and set on the table within his reach. Sylus picks up the glass and swirls the dark liquid around before taking a sip. He closes his eyes, either savouring the taste or taking a moment to rest.

I allow him that moment of peace. Then, I pop it like a bubble. “I know you just got back, Sir, but there is a matter we should discuss.”

Sylus cracks his eyes open and levels me with that intense crimson gaze of his. That look used to scare me, froze my body in a way that had me rooted to whatever spot I was standing in. “Is it necessary to discuss this now?”

“Well, no.” I hold my tongue just long enough for him to close his eyes and return to that restful state. “Unless you care that money is missing from the organization’s accounts with no explanation for it.”

Again, he opens his eyes. I fight back a smirk at the barely there change in his expression; the change between being annoyed at the situation and annoyed with me for interrupting his peace. Twice. “What is it?”

I leave his side to grab the evidence I need from the mess of paperwork scattered across the other side of the dining table. I have an my own office in his wing of the base, but sometimes I need a surface larger than my desk to organize everything, hence why everything is spread out in the dining room.

I place the most important documents containing my findings in front of him. “The accountants sent over the final income reports for this month. The revenue is lower than we usually see, about forty percent lower. I did some more digging,” Shifting my attention to a copy of a map, I pointed to a particular district outlined in a hot pink marker. “This seems to be the route where the loss is coming from. I asked Luke and Kieran to drop by the businesses that work with us and ask for the authentic copies of their transaction records. Every single one checks out. The businesses have paid what they owe for the month.”

Skimming over the reality of our partnership with the businesses in the N109 Zone is second nature now. Onychinus makes money in many ways, collecting protection money is just one of them. Normally, those who seek out the organization’s protection aren’t ballsy enough to play around with their debts, but it was still a possibility that needed to be looked into.

Sylus hummed, the sound rumbling deep in my ears like a mountain experiencing an earthquake. He gave the wine in his glass another swirl. “So, it’s an inside job.”

“That’s what the evidence is leading me to believe.” I cross my arms and pinch my chin. “Forty percent is big enough loss to notice right away. The accountants should have caught on immediately, unless-”

“They’re in on it.” He downs the rest of his glass. “Who was collecting debts for the area this month?”

I shrug. “No idea. It’s my job to catch these things, and it’s your job to solve them.” I glance at the clock and grin. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m stepping out for my lunch break. I’ll be back in an hour.”

His eyes are baring holes into my back, I can feel it as I practically skip towards the doors. “I want this mess cleaned up when you get back.”

“Yes, Sir!”

𝒯𝒾𝓅 #2: 𝒜 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒𝓈 𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝒷𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓀𝓈

𝒯𝒾𝓅 #3: 𝒜 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝒾𝓈 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒, 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝒷𝑜𝓈𝓈 𝒾𝓈 𝓁𝒶𝓉𝑒

“That’s a lovely painting.” I say, gesturing towards a beautiful landscape hanging on the wall with the hand holding my glass. “May I ask who painted it?”

The man sitting across from me in the skyscraper’s boardroom looks less than pleased in my presence. He came across rather irate when we met in the lobby, immediately asking where Sylus was and grumbling the entire elevator ride up after learning he was running a bit late.

I had to bite my tongue to keep from warning him that stressing over this meeting would only make his wrinkles deepen.

Tapping his finger impatiently on the gilded handle of his walking stick, he tilts his chin towards the painting. “That is one of Rafayel’s masterpieces. The only one of its kind.”

“It’s lovely. Mr. Rafayel certainly knows his way around a colour palette.” I take a sip of the water. “I wonder what was going through his mind when he painted it. Any thoughts?”

“No.” He pulls a golden watch from his pocket, clicking his tongue at the time. “Are you sure Sylus is coming to this meeting? I certainly hope I’m not wasting my time entertaining a young lady with no real hand in Onychinus’ affairs.”

My smile widens. “Of course not. Mr. Sylus is a busy man, but he wouldn’t abandon a meeting without word. If you are unable to wait any longer, I can notify Mr. Sylus that we’ll have to reschedule - if he is willing to reschedule. It took a lot of convincing on your part to have him agree to meet with you, yes?”

I reach for my phone sitting on the edge of the table, but he holds up a hand to stop me. “It’s alright. I can wait.”

The door opens just then, and in comes the man we’ve been waiting for. Sylus looks as intimidating as ever, though to me he almost seems bored. His red eyes find me first, then shift silently to the man who has been nearly harassing our phone lines for the past week.

Smiling, I stand up and turn my body towards my boss, hands folded in front of me. “Glad to have you join us, Sir. Mr. Gallagher has been very eager to speak with you.”

Sylus’ lips curled into a sneer. “So, I’ve heard. Your proposal must be worth my while, considering all the trouble you’ve gone through to get me here.”

A bead of sweat rolls down Gallagher’s temple, but he wipes it away with a handkerchief as Sylus and I take our seats. “I appreciate your kindness in coming all the way here today, Mr. Sylus. Now, let us begin.”

Half an hour passes, and nothing comes from Gallagher’s ramblings. On and on he went about a research project he wanted his company to jump in on, spoke blatantly about just how much funding they would need. He has statistics and research papers from the past, before the age of technology we have today, but not once in has he mentioned Onychinus’ benefit in backing this project.

My hidden glances at Sylus revealed nothing of what he was thinking, and I had given up after the third attempt to read his mind. A year and a half I’ve been working under him, and his mind is still a mystery to me most of the time.

“Evie.” Sylus suddenly calls my name, interrupting Gallagher in the middle of his spiel.

Recognizing the cue, I close the notebook I have wasted an entire page of. “Yes, Sir?”

“How long has Mr. Gallagher been wasting our time for?”

I glance at the clock. “A little over thirty minutes, Sir.”

Sylus hums, but it sounds more like a growl. “Thirty minutes.” He taps his finger repeatedly against his temple. “Tell me, Mr. Gallagher, you’ve spoken a lot about what Onychinus can do for you, but what can your company offer me for this deliberate waste of time?”

The older man, with more bravery than someone with a receding hairline should have, points a finger at Sylus. “Now, you listen here, ya’ punk! You wasted an hour of my time making me wait on ya’! What are ya’ gonna do to compensate me for that, huh?!”

The temperature in the room suddenly drops. Sylus is as still as a predator, lying in wait to pounce when the prey least expects it. The room is so silent, I swear I can hear Gallagher’s heartbeat growing louder with each unsteady breath.

I lean to the side, bringing myself closer to Sylus. “I think your tardiness has offended him, Sir.”

Slowly, with both hands in his pockets, Sylus rises to his feet. With shaking hands, Gallagher draws a pistol from the inside of his coat and points the barrel at the large man’s chest.

“I-I’m warning ya’!” Gallagher explains, voice shaking almost as badly as his hands. “D-Don’tcha take another step towards me!”

The sinister grin on Sylus’ face, even though it isn’t directed at me, sends shivers down my spine. “Or what?”

The old man’s Adam’s apple bobs, eyes doubling in size. In the blink of an eye, the gun changes its aim from my boss to me.

That’s as far as he gets. Black and red mist swirl around his body, seizing his wrist and forcing him to drop the gun. It clatters to the ground as the mist yanks him off his feet, suspending him in the air.

Gallagher clutches his throat as if doing so would free him of the Evol’s hold, kicks his legs in a feeble attempt to escape. The more he thrashes, the more obvious his struggle to breathe becomes. By the time Sylus finally lets him go, Gallagher is nothing but a heap on the ground.

When the room falls quiet again, I stand up and gather my phone, notebook and pen. “I think we best take our leave now, Sir. There isn’t anything more to discuss.”

Sylus heads for the door. “Come. I will drop you off at the office.”

A spring found its way into my step as I chased after him, his strides much longer than mine. “Are we taking the motorcycle?”

“The car.”

My shoulders dropped. “Well, that’s not as fun.”

𝒯𝒾𝓅 #4: 𝒜 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓃𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓈 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒

𝒯𝒾𝓅 #5: 𝒜 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓅𝓊𝓉𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒, 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝓈𝓀𝑒𝒹

A cup of warm honey tea in hand, I set the ceiling lights of my office to a dim lighting and stroll inside. The small office, neat and tidy and cozy, is irresistible at this hour of the night. It called to me like a siren’s song, its summons so strong I changed the taxi’s drop off address from my home to here.

I didn’t fight the urge much; I was looking for an excuse to avoid going home this late, anyway. Returning early from the club would open the door for my brothers to pry.

Mephisto swoops in through the ajar door, landing on a perch near the desk. His red eyes glow like a beacon in the shadows, watching me for a moment before opening his beak to caw.

“Shhh!” I hiss, scrambling for the bag of chopped peanuts I keep hidden in one of the drawers. “Don’t you dare disturb the boss.”

The odds of Sylus actually sleeping at night are low, but it’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

I dump a handful into the flat dish attached to the perch. Mephisto stops his ruckus to eat them, the treat keeping him distracted enough for me to get the fireplace going. He’s finished them by the time I settle into the leather chair on wheels.

“No more.” I sternly answer his silent, pleading look. “I will not be the one to get in trouble if you become too fat to fly.”

Mephisto, seemingly displeased, rustles his wings before taking off to do whatever it is mechanical crows do in their free time.

I get started on work the moment he leaves. It’s nothing complicated, just filing paper documents and sorting through digital ones on my laptop, organizing schedules and meetings for Sylus over the next few weeks. The smallest of the bookshelves keeps creeping into the corners of my vision, trying to tempt me to stop working and pick up one of the saucy novels instead. Definitely not work material, but with my brothers, it’s too risky to keep these kinds of books at home. Anything I want to hide from them, I have to hide it in here.

I hear the door click shut as I’m filing papers into the cabinet. Turning my head, I find Sylus, dressed in a red robe, approaching my desk. “Good evening, Sir.”

He picks up the top page from a stack of papers I have yet to sort through, and after looking it over, pinches the bridge of his nose. “Not only are you working overtime at this hour, but you’re doing so on a Friday night.”

I sneak a glance at the clock. “Technically, it’s Saturday morning, Sir.”

“You don’t work weekends; you made that clear when I agreed to hire you. My point still stands.” He turns his gaze to me and doesn’t bother to hide the way his eyes mark my outfit. I, meanwhile, am struggling to keep my eyes off the ‘V’ his robe makes down his beautifully toned chest and stomach. “What happened, sweetie? Did you get so bored at the club, you decided to come work instead?”

Perhaps I should be concerned with how he knew where I have been, but Sylus has eyes and ears everywhere. Either Mephisto followed me, the twins said something about my plans for a girls night with my friends outside the organization, or he put the pieces together from my makeup and clothing alone. Impressive, if that’s the case - my low cut jeans and crop-top are more of a casual style that could be worn anywhere.

Instead of just standing there gawking, I moved back to the desk and started putting away the unfinished work. I’ll finish it another time. “It’s not that I was bored. I got kicked out.”

His chuckle had me looking up. “You got kicked out? What did you do, kitten? Scratch someone’s eyes out?”

When all the papers are safely tucked into the drawer, I lock it and put the key back in a smaller drawer. “Pretty much. Some men can’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” Recalling the satisfying crunch of his nose under my fist has me smirking. “Maybe he’ll remember tonight every time he looks in the mirror from now on.”

“Did you strike the way I showed you?”

Smirk growing, I nodded once. “Broke his nose.”

Sylus chuckles. “Good girl.”

My core pulls tight, thighs squeezing together at the rush of heat pooling between them. That sort of praise with the baritone voice he has is dangerous.

My reaction doesn’t go unnoticed. In fact, it flips a switch in him that turns his amusement into something almost predatory. The change in his eyes brings with it an electricity in the air, igniting a buzzing in my skin and a pounding in my heart.

“Are you… satisfied with the fun you’ve had tonight, sweetie?” Sylus asks, making his way around to my side of the desk with languid strides.

I turn with him, keeping my front to him, never taking my eyes off him. There’s no where to run to, and I have to tilt my head up and lean back against the desk just to keep eye contact as he gets closer. Sylus is pure dominance, towering over me and caging me in as he grips both sides of the desk.

Subconsciously, I lick my suddenly dry lips. “No.”

“No?” He lifts one hand and drags the pad of his thumb over my lips, then down and across my chin. “If you’re in the mood, would you like to play our special game?”

My blood runs hot, temptation whispering into my ear like a little devil on my shoulder. The skin where his thumb touched tingles, the taste of an addiction bubbling on my tongue. “A game sounds nice.”

Sylus hums and tilts his head a little. His thumb returns to my lips, parting them so he could tease the wet inside of my lower lip. “And what do we say when we want this game to stop?”

The cogs in my mind stopped at some point, and I have to kick them back into gear. “Crow.”

“Again.”

“Crow.” I repeat, much faster this time.

Sylus chuckles again, but this time, it comes out deeper and sends a wave of arousal through me. He lashes me with those lethal words of praise again. “Good girl.”

Then I’m being devoured by him, my lips and tongue under the command of his as he takes what he wants - what we both want. My moan comes out muffled, swallowed by him as I pathetically push my tongue against his. I’m not trying to force him out, that’s a battle I’ll never win; I just want to feel how strong he is, test how much control he has.

The answer is all of it, just the way I like it.

His massive hands sear my skin as he grips my bare waist, squeezing and pulling, dragging across my lower back and tracing the hem of my top. Mine can’t stay still either, moving quickly in their exploration of his chest. I have to grab fistfuls of his robe as a means of grounding myself when he suddenly grabs me beneath the thighs and lifts. A moment later, I’m being set down on the top of my desk.

One of my arms rests across the back of his neck and shoulders, the other extended behind me so I could brace my hand on the desk for extra support against the onslaught of Sylus’ kisses. One of his hands is planted on my thigh in a near bruising grip, the other busy with popping out the buttons of my top. When the last one comes undone, he halts his kisses to slide the sleeves down my arms and throw the unnecessary garment aside. He doesn’t treat my bra any much differently.

My breasts are exposed, nipples hardened from the foreplay, but Sylus doesn’t pounce right away. He’s too cunning for that, enjoys playing with my desires too much to pass up making me beg for it.

Instead, he buries his hand in my hair and, gently pulling on the roots, tilts my head back so my throat is bared to him. He drags his mouth over the sensitive skin, teasing me with tongue, teeth and kisses of varying pressure.

“Sylus.” I whine, giving his shoulder a squeeze. A pulse starts between my legs, one so intense it makes me want to clamp my thighs shut. I can’t, not with him standing between my knees. “Sylus, please.”

“Please’ what, kitten?” He nibbles my earlobe, blows a breath of air across it that has me gasping. “Use your words.”

“Please touch me.” I cave, breathless. “Please stop teasing me.”

Sylus breaths a chuckle against the side of my head. “You have such good manners, sweetie, but I’m afraid you’re not being specific. I am touching you.”

I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. “N-Not there.”

“No?” His fingers drag over my stomach, his touch featherlight. I’m so sensitive, my back arches beneath his attention. “Here, then?”

Again, I shake my head. My breasts feel heavy, aching so bad they almost hurt.

“Ah.” Sylus feigns realization, pretending as though he had no idea what I wanted before now. “I see. You must mean here.”

I cry out as his lips wrap around my left nipple, tongue and teeth toying with the hardened bud. Pain isn’t my thing, but the lightest teases of it such as gentle hair pulling and teeth grazing gets me off more than I want to admit it. Sylus knows my limits and has always maintained respect with my boundaries, even though this kind of play was something I didn’t know I liked until getting involved with him.

It’s only after giving equal attention to both breasts that Sylus advances, swiftly undoing the button and zipper of my jeans. With one arm wrapped around me, he hoists me up by the waist and uses the opposite hand to tug the waistband past my hips, bringing my underwear along with it. I squeal at the show of strength, but my attention is quickly redirected when he sets me down and yanks the remainder of my clothing down my legs, taking my shoes off with it. He tosses everything aside like they’re meaningless and steps back between my legs.

Excitement buzzes in my veins as he tilts my head back again. Then comes relief when he finally touches me.

His groan mixes with my moan and the cracking of the fireplace, lips brushing against my cheek as he speaks. “You’re so eager, sweetie. You enjoy this game as much as I do, don’t you?”

Another moan spills into the air. I can feel how slick I am, can hear it when he sinks a finger into me. My back momentarily arches at the much welcomed intrusion. “Yes, Sir.”

He releases my roots to cup the back of my head instead, adjusting its position so I’m looking at him instead of the ceiling. His eyes are narrowed, dominant but also painfully gentle in a commanding sort of way. “Did that man touch you?”

“Y-Yes.” I answer, slowly losing myself to the pleasure.

“Where?” It’s a non-negotiable question.

“He-” I have to take a breath to get my brain on track, but it’s a shaky one. What happened in the club again? It takes a second to come back to me. “H-He grabbed my hips and- ah- t-tried dancing behind me.” I should keep my mouth shut, but a certain thought has a weak, breathy giggle escaping. “Are you jealous, Sir?”

The addition of a second figure quickly shuts me up. Sylus curls them, nudging a spot that makes my muscles tighten and hands claw at his chest. “Unless you want to be treated like a brat, I suggest you watch your mouth.”

Tempting, but not what I want this time. “I’m sorry, Sir.”

“Good.”

His fingers disappear, and I whine at the loss. Sylus pulls the knot of his belt and shrugs off his robe, discarding it like he did with everything else. Pulling me off the desk by the hips, Sylus sets me on my feet and lifts one of my legs until he can get the crease of his elbow beneath my knee. To keep my balance, I hold onto his broad shoulder with one hand and grip the edge of the desk behind me with the other.

“Eyes on me.” Sylus commands, lightly tapping me beneath the chin to get my attention.

I look into his eyes, let those deep pools of red pull me in and strip me bare - more bare than I already am. I hold his gaze even as the tip of him nudges against my entrance. Hold it as he slowly sinks inside.

My jaw drops as he fills me, inch by delicious inch stretching me more than his fingers had. Sylus is big, and though my body is more accustomed to him now, he’s still kind enough to take this part slow.

“That’s it.” His voice is huskier now, thumbs massaging circles into my skin as he helps hold me steady. As he slowly pushes and pulls his hips. “Good girl. You can look where you want now.”

As soon as he releases the invisible leash, my eyes drop to where we’re connected. Combined with the pleasure of his building movements, it’s too much, too overwhelming. So instead I lift my gaze to his stomach, watching his abdominal muscles work as he starts to set his rhythm. A strong, steady rhythm that has gasps, cries and moans dancing on my tongue with each thrust.

“Fuck.” I whisper, feeling a familiar knot start to pull in the pit of my stomach. Every push of his hips into me makes it pull tighter and tighter, my breath climbing higher and higher. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.”

I realize my error instantly, but it’s still too late to correct myself. Sylus pulls out of me completely, and instead of crashing into the waters of euphoria, I fall flat onto a hard nothing.

Sylus clicks his tongue cups my cheek in his hand, tilting my head up until I’m looking at him. “Is that how we ask for things?”

I shake my head, parting my lips as he skims his thumb over them. “No, Sir.”

His lips curl into a cruel smirk. “Was it so good that you forgot the rules? Do we need to take a break so you can remember?”

Frantic, I shake my head. “No, Sir. I remember.”

Sylus hums and drops his hand from my face, lining himself back up. “Let’s try that again.”

In no time at all, I’m back to where I had been before my mistake. I can feel his eyes boring into me, watching, waiting to see if I’ll screw up again. I can almost sense the gears in his head turning, trying to decide what he’ll do if I fail.

But I don’t fail. The second that knot pulls dangerously tight, I’m looking into his eyes and asking. Pleading, more like. “Can I come, Sir? Please?”

“Better.” Sylus leans down and kisses me once. “You can come. Come for me, Evie.”

The band snaps at his approval. My cry is loud, body trying to arch yet curl in on itself at the same time. I’m not sure when my head goes blank, but when I start to recover, it’s to Sylus’ sexy voice in my ear and his deadly fingers drawing circles onto my clit, heightening the stimulation.

“Good girl.” He praises, carefully setting my leg down. He cups my face again and rests his forehead against mine. “See how much better it is when we ask nicely?”

I nod, whining at the aftershocks still working through my body. Sylus kisses me again before spinning me around, one hand pushing on my back until I’m bent over with my chest pressing against the cold surface of the desk. He moves my hair out of the way and attaches his lips to the back of my neck, alternating between open mouth kisses and teases of his teeth as he makes his way down my spine. I moan and scratch the wood with my nails, trying to be patient.

He reconnects with me when I least expect it, one hand planting itself on the desk near my head while the other grabs my wrist and pins it to my lower back. His grip is firm, not crushing, and he isn’t pulling on my arm either; is just holding it there. He immediately begins a brutal pace, his hips colliding with my ass at every inward thrust, his shaft hitting places deeper than before. It’s just so Sylus that I can’t help but throw my remaining caution to the wind. I wrap my free hand around his arm as a means of grounding myself, delighted by how solid his muscles are.

Tears begin to line my lashes from the intense pleasure. I turn my head, letting my cheek rest on the desk so I can peek at Sylus from the corner of my vision. He’s devastatingly beautiful, his jaw dropped a little as he watches the way he claims me. Beads of sweat catch the light of the fire as they roll down his skin, white hair falling with the way his head is titled. His heavy breaths wrap around me like a blanket and sink through my skin until they settle in my bones.

Unfair. Truly, this man is unfair.

The knot in my stomach comes back, the muscles between my thighs clamping down on him in anticipation of what’s on the horizon. He must feel it, because his eyes lift until they met my gaze. “Do you have something to ask me, sweetie?”

‘Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.’ I mentally plead with myself. My thoughts are working faster than my voice, surprisingly. “May I come again, Sir?”

“Good girl.” He growls, the possessive tone in his voice sending shocks through my core. “Come.”

His command does me in. The sound that comes out of me is a high pitched squeal, my acrylic nails digging into his arm as white hot release burns through me. “Sylus!”

Suddenly, the wrist that was pinned to my lower back is set free. Sylus grabs me by the biceps and hauls me up so I’m no longer laying on the desk, one of his arms banding across my stomach to hold me up. The other dives between my thighs, finding my clit again. “One more.”

Choking on a sob, I claw at his arms. “I can’t!”

“You can.”

I don’t have a choice. No, I have a choice - one four letter word and this all stops. But I don’t want to use that word.

One more. I can take one more.

The third release robs me of my voice. I slump back against Sylus, boneless in his arms as he chases his end. It doesn’t take him much longer to find it.

“Fuck, Evie-” He groans against my neck, pulling out at the last second. He’s nearly crushing me against him, short bursts of tremors working their way through his body.

Managing to peel my eyes open, I wiggle out of his hold and slump over the desk, my arm as heavy as lead as I reach over to pull a small towel from one of the drawers. I toss it over my shoulder, waiting until Sylus has regained himself enough to take it and clean us up.

His fingers gently take the towel from mine. “You keep these in your desk?”

“Must I explain why?” I try to fire back, but I’m way too tired to sound the slightest bit sarcastic.

His hands are gentle as he works, but I still have to bite my lip when he attends to the more sensitive areas. “I’m almost done. Hang in there.”

I hum in response. It’s all I can manage.

The towel disappears from my skin a minute later. Sylus puts his robe back on and helps me redress, then places me in the chair while he puts out the fire. Once the embers have snuffed out, Sylus returns and lifts me into his arms, carrying me out of the office. He heads further down the wing to where his home is.

“Bath or shower?” He asks, keeping his gaze forward.

“Bath.” My response is quick. “I can’t trust myself to stay standing. Can I use your fancy soaps and stuff?”

One corner of his lips curl. “You can use whatever you’d like.”

“Oils, too?”

“Yes, kitten. Oils, too.”

𝒯𝒾𝓅 #6: 𝒜 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓃𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝑒𝓃𝑔𝒶𝑔𝑒𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝒶𝓃 𝓊𝓃𝓅𝓇𝑜𝒻𝑒𝓈𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝓇𝑒𝓁𝒶𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝒷𝑜𝓈𝓈… 𝒶𝓉 𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓈𝓉 𝑜𝓃 𝒸𝓁𝑜𝒸𝓀 𝒽𝑜𝓊𝓇𝓈

SFW Masterlist || NSFW Masterlist

Tag List:

@softlycandescent @goat-mama-breezie

[joyswonderland1108]

Let's talk

Hi hello how are you? Hope you're all doing well! I know i'm still not back to being active, i started an internship for a while now so again i'm busy trying to find some time to share my thoughts whenever i have a buttload of them.

Did you know that to be able to productive at work streaming MUSE is an essential? SO GO STREAM MUSE!!!! I don't think my supervisor is happy with me wearing earphones the whole day but sucks to be him BTS come first.

What is it that i wanted to say? Oh yes. Again, i'll say it, i couldn't care less if you're a solo, sucks, but as long as you keep your own limits, stan whoever you stan and keep your own goddamn thoughts to yourself, then WHATEVER.

Now am i gonna name drop? No, because honestly i feel like there's no need to target one person when i know there are others that fit in the same box so if the shoe fits, wear it.

Starting off as an ARMY, OT7 lover, to become a Jikooker (aka liking Jikook's dynamic whatever the fuck you think they are to each other) to becoming a solo, and treating the members as if they are just spare and whatever they do or say should revolve positively around the X member that you solo stan.. HUM.

Needless to say the amount of guilt tripping is astronomical, making Army feel guilty about having a goddamn life and not being able to post to show their support or "share proof" of them actually streaming.. Darling no one owes you anything, whatever effort a person does whether they show it to you or not, that is none of your goddamn business, don't make anyone feel bad for their effort, just because YOU have enough spare time to be chronically online it doesn't mean everyone is.

I'll go back to what i mentioned above and take it as an example whether it's me or anyone else, do i have enough time to be coming in here the same way i used to? Not for now, am i still streaming while doing my internship when i'm supposed to stay professional? Yes. Well same goes for many others, some Army are parents too, besides work they have a family to tend to, if you are still young and unmarried with a lot of time to spare, good for you, not everyone is.

Some ex-Army couldn't even handle the pression of being an Army because of people guilt tripping them for not "showing proof of support" and to make it worse posting shit like "Oh you hate X member" because people are simply not making a new post every 2 seconds about the X member you are solo stanning according to YOUR standard.. You really need to go out and touch some grass.

"Oh but no i'm not a solo can't you see my reposts?" I couldn't give two fucks about what you repost or do not repost, it's the shit that you keep on saying, the pattern that you've created that many people noticed, you turning into a solo stan and trying to hide this with a few reposts, maybe just maybe if you are still not ready to assume that you've became a solo, then at the very least make a second account to go cry in there. You can't fool anyone when the pattern is patterning.

It is absolutely sickening to see this going on for MONTHS and just earlier i've seen a friend talk about it and i was reminded how with my girlies in our gc we would share posts related to the boys and everytime we were a bit confused about "some posts" we always had that "Um.. Was that person a solo to begin with or are we just not really understanding?"

Please for the love of God, take your solo stanning elsewhere, stop spitting venom at people for rules that YOU are setting.

With that being said, i hope y'all are having a nice day and STREAM MUSE!!!

[gent-illmatic]

A matter of time⏱

(A long af ramble)

I don’t care how long you’ve known some people, what the bond was, if they’re relatives, part of a community, childhood friends, best work buddies etc.

Everybody isn’t meant to stay in your life!

During my spiritual journey I realized you can’t “helicopter” over the people you care about. It’s a dysfunctional love language many of us have. I wanted to support and guide my loved ones to the best of my ability. I’m known as the therapist/fixer of any friend group I’m apart of.

I’m the Olivia Pope of this shit. However, I would end up being the emotional trash bag ,while they reject every plausible solution presented. Im the person strategizing how to get them on track and distracting from my own goals to save theirs (ppl pleasing). Silently seething because not only do they seem to care very little about themselves … but also about my time and effort in supporting them! They’re turning up while I’m stressing for them.

I also realized a lot of these actions stemmed from events in my childhood, but I digress!

Then the “Ah ha” moment hit!

They don’t owe me shit.

Why? … because it’s not my job to do that! They’re not calling for advice. They’re calling to vent. Yes, being a good listening ear is part of being a good support as well. We don’t always have to swoop in with “what you should do is…”. I also learned my actions of support make me seem like a “know it all” with good intentions. It sends signals that I don’t believe they are capable of figuring out their own issues. As if they were mentally challenged. This dynamic breaths life into resentment.

However, for people like me , that becomes exhausting after while. Loved ones complaining about the same bullshit misfortunes over & over without looking for solutions, better discernment, or to establish positive patterns/habits. Constantly returning back into the arms of what has them forever frustrated. Wanting you to hold all of their emotional and dysfunctional baggage. You are being spiritually drained!

🫠

Especially, if you’ve done the work for your own life’s outcome! With or without therapy! You’ve put in the effort aside from your prayers. Now, you’re reaping the peaceful benefits of the investment in your life. You feel your spirit and life being led to better pastures ….It’s time to realize…

You’ve outgrown them.

it’s time to love them from afar!

The dynamic you once shared has expired/changed. The people you were in the beginning, No longer exists now. It’s no longer serving or fulfilling.

People will always prioritize themselves (as they should). You need to make sure you do the same. Nobody will care about you more than yourself as an adult. You can care for your loved ones, and wish them well. Give them guidance if specifically asked. However, we can’t live for them or force them to take our advice! It doesn’t matter how great the quality of our advice is…. We don’t even have to experience the consequences of the advice we give them! They have the choice of what to take and what to leave! We don’t even know if we have all the facts of the scenario anyway. They have their journey and you have yours…

But….

If their dysfunctional life starts to effect yours just being in their company…you begin reaping their consequences for their choices…you notice yourself regressing … you recognize you’ve lost sight or esteem of your own life mission…

Fall back.

You are the average of the 5 closest people to you. Choose wisely!

The mental ease you receive for allowing people to “do them” and letting go is priceless. Now you have time to dedicate towards your own conquests , continue your own development, and learn from your own choices.

I’m rambling now… but one last thing

Beware: When people notice you walking away to a better life, they may morph into your enemy. They may spill your secrets, smear you, they may not even care about your absence. If that’s the case It’s all good… some people can live in your heart but not in your life!

Keep the grass cut🌾🐍🌾

-KANAAN🌱

[viiisenyas]

It confuses me that ppl in the hotd fandom say that Laenor loved Jace Luke and Joffrey. Did he tho? cuz... he was out drinking with his buddies and there was only one scene where he was actually being a dad to them. Fr, the only time he stepped in as a dad was when he named Joffrey and that was it.

I think it's a little more nuanced than that, Anon. But if I'm being entirely honest, (if a bit controversial) those children were not his obligation yet when he tried to step in, Rhaenyra kept him at arm's length until it was convenient to her.

Episode 6:

"You don't think to consult me before you name my child?" "He's our child, is he not?" "Only one of us is bleeding." "I deserve some say in the affairs of my own family." "You haven't seemed so interest in our affairs of late."

"I deserve some say in the affairs of my own family."

I find this interesting in particular. Upon a rewatch, I paid attention to Laenor's facial expressions and his tone of voice. Now it could be me, it could be a misinterpretation, but he seemed a bit exasperated if not desperate, almost pleading with Rhaenyra. Given that 10 years has been glossed over, we were robbed of seeing their actual dynamic. But what I can see is that he is attempting to assert his place as her husband, and Rhaenyra just waved him off with the following line of dialogue.

Keep in mind his facial expression deflating after she wanders out of frame. I genuinely do think that he was trying, but again, she kept him at arm's length. And of course this sets up later in the episode when he returns to Rhaenyra's room a bit drunk with Ser Qarl.

Notice how he seems more happy to go back to war?

"After all this time, this is just what I need. A little adventure. A good honest battle to enliven my blood again... A few months maybe - to be back at sea."

I don't know about you, but no man that has been in a happy marriage (hell, even a man who has a close bond with his supposed kids) would want to return to a fucking war unless he has no other choice. The way he says "to be back at sea," was almost in yearning.

At that point, he was more than happy to leave King's Landing because Rhaenyra made it abundantly clear that he's of no use to her.

And she continues to make snide remarks with regards to Ser Harwin's little outburst that brought even more negative attention to their family.

"Are you mad? Do you know what's happened while you've been guzzling all the ale in Flea Bottom - gods know what besides?"

If you watch his expression, it can be read as "What are you talking about," or it can be read as "Excuse me?" Pick your poison. (I don't know about you, but I read that as a homophobic microaggression.)

Now moving on to my point above.

"Dark rumours are hunting us, Laenor. They nip at our heels. Questions about our sons' parentage. Vile, disgusting insinuations." "Insinuations, are they?" "They are our sons! Yours and mine. And their true father will not abandon them now to go carousing through the Narrow Sea waggling his sword, and winking at his sailors."

Notice how she finally flips it around? Now, those boys are suddenly Laenor's responsibility. And as you can see with his sarcastic reply, he has no mind to listen to it. And I don't have to point out the second microaggression against his homosexuality.

Now Laenor says this, with conviction.

"I am a knight and a warrior. And I have played my part here. Faithfully, for ten years."

Which really drives home the point that he was trying to be a dutiful husband. He was trying to be a dutiful father. But then, Rhaenyra throws his efforts back into his face.

"You are owed nothing! For ten years you have indulged yourself at court, bought the finest horses, drunk the rarest of wines, fucked the lustiest boys. This was our agreement. I have not begrudged you."

Except she just did. Four times. in the literally same episode. Laenor did what any lord living at court would have done even if they weren't in the clusterfuck situation that he was sucked into.

Now, Laenor is completely done, and it's obvious that he wants no part in it.

"You do not desert your post when the storm lashes." "The wise sailor flees the storm as it gathers." "Very well, then I command you... as your Princess and heir to the throne, you are commanded to remain in King's Landing and at my side."

I'm certain that he was well aware of the rumours swimming about regarding Rhaenyra's actions and of course, I genuinely think he did his best to cover for both himself AND her after the first two Strong kids were born - otherwise he wouldn't be looking for an out in this specific scene. He probably would have left long ago.

TL;DR. I think Laenor did care about those kids, but Rhaenyra alienated him from actually being in their lives until shit hit the fan for her.

[clemblog]

Chapter 2: Thinking

After spending a long few months in Jericho, working their asses off to get android rights to a good place The Jericrew decide to visit the countryside and stay in the first fully fledged android town, fondly called Pacis. How will their relations develop now that they can finally take a break from it all?

featuring: RK1K, Josh x Simon, North x OC

Part 1

“Connor, I don’t understand why you’re so freaked out about this. I assumed, ever since we agreed on this whole f*cking father-son dynamic, you trusted me.” Hummed Hank, amused, as he watched Connor pace around the kitchen. “The fact you will be filling in for me at Jericho is not the issue Lieutenant-” Huffed Connor. Hank rolled his eyes at this fondly. That guy would never ever stop calling him Lieutenant, no matter how much he insisted that Hank was fine. “What is the issue then?” “You didn’t tell me!” “I’m afraid Mr Markus Manfred swore me to secrecy.” “Markus didn’t tell me!” “I believe this whole thing is meant to be a surprise, so it’d make sense.” “He knew I wouldn’t like it-” “Cause you’re a workaholic.” “Lieutenant-” “Connor.” “...” “Listen kid, when you have people who care about you, they want you to take care of yourself. Especially since you have mental health to worry about now, and the fact you can’t snap back to life over night anymore. Whether you like it or not, you need to go on this break.” Explained Hank, firmly but sincerely. Connor sighed at this, tapping his foot. “...I don’t have a suitcase-” “Come on bitchy mcgee, I got one in the closet you can use.” Mused Hank.

Connor would reluctantly trail after Hank to start packing for the trip. It was kinda fun to see some of his most important possessions all in one place. His coin, his favourite shirt, some jeans, a coat, his stun gun(Hank thought he should leave it at home but Connor wanted to be safe), a sun cap, his fish patterned blanket and many other essentials! Though, it was a little disappointing when Hank explained he could in fact not put Sumo into the suitcase and bring him along. “Connor, Sumo is my dog-” “Our dog!” “Connor-” “He loves me more!” Hank rolled his eyes. “Yes, because you sneak him my dinner scraps when you think I’m not looking.” Connor pouted at this. “I can only eat thyrium! He doesn’t have to eat just kibble, so why not! One of us deserves variety-” “How about I pick up a Sumo Jr from the toy shop?” Suggested Hank, attempting to compromise. “That way Dewey has a buddy.” Sat on Connor’s bed was a soft toy of a dwarf gourami, which he’d affectionately called Dewey. Connor faulted at this, a light flush appearing on his face. “I dunno if I should bring Dewey…” “Why not?” “...I don’t want Markus, North, Josh or Simon to think I’m a baby cause I have stuffed toys…” “Kid, listen, they won’t as they’re your friends.” Assured Hank. “Besides, adults can have stuffed animals too. You know Tina from the DPD?” “Yeah?” “Her Wife gets her a stuffed animal every Valentines because that’s how much she loves them.” “...Really?” “Would I have any reason to lie to you about that?” “No-” “Right, so you get on your fancypants tablet and find yourself a Sumo Jr and I’m gonna go make myself a burger.” Connor nodded slowly at this, a shy smile on his face. “I will do that… Thank you Lieutenant.” “Anytime kid.”

Connor sat and watched as Hank left his room, flopping back on his bed to do as he suggested. Maybe Sumo could snuggle with Sumo Jr before he went on his trip, that way he’d smell just like him! Though… Now that he thought it over, he’d probably need some more things in his suitcase before he could fit Dewey and Sumo Jr in. What else did he need? He wasn’t sure… Maybe he could ask Markus! So, before Connor could think logically and remember search engines exist, he sent a brief message to Markus.

[Connor Anderson] Hi Markus.

[Markus Manfred] Hello Connor, what do I owe the pleasure of your message? [Connor Anderson] I am unsure what I need to bring for the trip.

[Markus Manfred] You’re attending? Willingly? [Connor Anderson] Hank thinks it’ll be good for me.

[Markus Manfred] Of course~

[Connor Anderson] What? [Markus Manfred] Nothing, you’re just a suck up for your dad. [Connor Anderson] Hey! [Markus Manfred] That’s not a bad thing! It’s cute. [Markus Manfred] I’m the exact way with my own dad. [Connor Anderson] I don’t believe you’ve told me much about your father.

[Markus Manfred] Unfortunately, I am a busy man Connor. And you are my busy bodyguard.

[Connor Anderson] I know. :( 

[Markus Manfred] I suppose I could tell you about him, if you wish. :) [Connor Anderson] Only if you’re not busy with other things, I don’t want to impose. [Markus Manfred] You’re my friend Connor, you’ll never impose! [Markus Manfred] Also before I forget here’s a list of stuff you should add to your suitcase:

Boots

Slippers

Towel

Dressing Gown

A Book (or just some kind of entertainment that isn’t digital based, internet is iffy out where we’re going.)

[Connor Anderson] Thank you Markus, I really appreciate this. [Markus Manfred] It’s my pleasure Connor, now you want to hear about the stubborn loving ass that is Carl Manfred~?

The pair would spend the next few hours, messaging as they went about their evenings. Connor was packing his suitcase, then doing the dishes, then watching a movie with Hank. Markus was painting, then filling out some papers for Jericho business, then he was settling down for the night with a movie of his own. (A Dog’s Purpose per Connor’s suggestion.) The two had dissolved into many topics, unable to pull away from the conversations purely just from the amount of enjoyment they had within each other's company.

[Markus] Goodnight Conny! [Connor] Goodnight Markus, thanks for the fun talks! [Markus] Anytime, have a good recharge. [Connor] You too. [Markus was last online: 11:47pm] [Connor was last online: 11:49pm]

Hank would glance into Connor’s room to find him laid with his tablet still in his hand. He rolled his eyes fondly at the sight, and gently took the tablet and put it on the bedside cabinet for him.

[thedreadvampy]

I think the thing that worries me about many approaches to mutual aid (and this isn't a criticism OF mutual aid, nor is it a new or unique concern) is yeah, that need for systematisation and, honestly, an amount of alienation that a lot of small communities are currently not super able to create.

like as somebody who grew up in a family shouldering the burden of failure of care. there's stuff you as a family member or friend or community member can and should do to support loved ones, and it's hard and unpleasant work at times but it needs doing.

but then on the other hand there's stuff that can only really effectively be done by someone whose relationship to that person is more distant and care-specific. because the burden of carrying on that close relationship can really get in the way, for both people, of the care work that needs to happen Right Now. and vice versa.

the need for more depersonalised/professionalised care can look like a lot of things. from being someone with a serious injury who doesn't want people they're close to to see them naked and vulnerable, to someone finding their resentment towards a parent make it hard for them to care for them in old age, to people who burn friendships out by being there through someone's violent manic episodes. it looks like adequate personal/professional boundaries with a therapist, so that you know that the session is just about you and not about them. it looks like being able to care for someone who's consistently vile and aggressive towards you because you know that at the end of the day you'll finish your shift and walk away into a space where you can take care of yourself.

like that's what a system where people don't fall through the cracks has to look like - a balance between what we owe each other through loving relationships, and what is best done by someone who isn't personally connected to the person needing care.

professionalised care isn't enough on its own. we all need community and personal relationships - and all of us will sometimes need to grit our teeth and weather some storms and go out of our way to keep that going.

but equally community care isn't enough on its own either. often we end up having to choose between being someone's friend/lover/family and being their carer, because they can be mutually exclusive. often we don't get a choice, because there's nowhere else they're getting that care. but your relationship doesn't come through unharmed and equal if you're regularly having to put your own wellbeing aside to provide in-depth care for someone. it can't. that affects both of you a lot. it affects power dynamics. it builds mutual resentments. it puts you in a position of either burning yourself out or abandoning them, and it puts them in a position of constantly mitigating their needs to keep you.

Like, when we talk about how in a fully functional community, shitty, unpleasant and miserable-to-be-around people can't be left without support, this is part of that. but also it's part of managing the tendency to burn ourselves and each other out and lose love by trying to be all things to all people.

there have to be some sort of distancing structures in place for some kinds of care - both physical and mental. idk what that looks like necessarily - shift rotas, committees, nominated carers without close existing ties, idk - but it can't just sit solely within existing friendships and relationships.

I do think a lot of communities understand this need, but communities working on mutual support and mutual aid often just straight up lack the resource and capacity to NOT be doing this in a close knit group. I don't know how to resolve this. but I've seen enough examples of people throwing themselves into the fire over and over again to the detriment of both the carer and the caree to know that it needs resolving.

[beardedmrbean]

A missing persons case took a mysterious turn this week when a teenager walked into a Montana police precinct four years after she vanished without a trace in Arizona.

Alicia Navarro was 14 years old when she was last seen leaving her home in Glendale, Arizona, on 15 September 2019. She left her parents a note saying she would return but never did.

The disappearance of the teenager, who has autism, prompted a huge search involving the FBI and the Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

But, despite thousands of tips pouring in over the past almost four years, there was no sign of the missing girl – until now.

Glendale Police announced on Wednesday that the now-18-year-old walked into a police station thousands of miles away in a small town close to the Canadian border and told officers that she was the missing girl.

In a press conference, police spokesperson Jose Santiago said that Alicia is “by all accounts” well and has since been reunited with her mother.

“She showed up to a police department. She identified herself as Alicia Navarro. She basically asked for help to clear her off of a missing juvenile list,” he said.

“She is by all accounts safe, she is by all accounts healthy, and she is by all accounts happy,” he said.

Police Lt Scott Waite told reporters that the investigation so far indicates that Alicia ran away from home of her own accord.

“Every indication she’s given to us so far is that she willfully left her home,” he said.

“Now the dynamics surrounding that decision are obviously something we’re looking into.”

Lt Waite added that the investigation is still ongoing but the teenager is not facing any charges over her disappearance and is “not in any kind of trouble”.

Questions remain around where Alicia has been for the past four years and how she got from Arizona to Montana.

Police said that the reunion of Alicia with her mother Jessica Nunez was “emotionally overwhelming” for both of them and that the teenager was “very apologetic to what she has put her mother through”.

“She wanted to talk to her mom, and she wanted to make sure her mother knew she was OK,” said Mr Santiago.

Now, the teen and her mother are hoping to rebuild their relationship, he said.

“We will continue to work with our state, local federal partners and even across state lines to make sure that Alicia has everything that she needs,” said Lt Waite.

“That she’s taken care of, that her family is getting the help that they need, and that most importantly that this investigation is completed thoroughly and done correctly.”

Following news of her daughter’s return, Ms Nunez released a video statement saying that their case shows parents of missing children should never give up home of finding them.

“I do feel I owe this video to the community and to God,” she said in the video, shared on Twitter by 12 News journalist Bianca Buono.

“I first of all want to give glory to God for answering their prayers and for this miracle.

“For everyone who has missing loved ones, I want you to use this case as an example. Miracles do exist and never lose hope and always fight.

“My daughter, Alicia Navarro, was missing since September 15th 2019, she has been found safe.

“I do not know the details. I do confirm she is my daughter. She is alive and she is safe.”

She added: “This is recent news for me, it was an hour before it was posted on social media and the news. I don’t have details but the important thing is she is alive.

“I want to thank the community and God for all that you have done.”

[canichangemyblogname]

My friend got into her feels about Heartstopper. Watching the show left her with regret for what she didn't get as a queer kid. Heartstopper had her thinking about what could have been despite living in a world where it never would have been.

I spoke with her about this, and we discussed how nostalgia, even for what never was, often looks at life through rose-tinted glasses. She was searching for an ideal world that never existed, doesn't currently exist, and will likely never exist. The world of Heartstopper is entirely fictional. Nick and Charlie are far more emotionally intelligent than the average person in part because the genre and the progression of the story's plot necessitate them working through complex emotions. Young queer love doesn't usually look like what Nick and Charlie have. It's messy and awkward in a way Nick and Charlie never will be because Nick and Charlie's romance is fantasy. Real life isn't nearly as fair or kind to us. Real-life people aren't afforded the same comfort, safety, acceptance, or space these kids in this fictional show are.

And that's the saddest part about the show. The way it contrasts with reality is the most painful part.

She got choked up and, through her tears, told me that she does not even want a relationship right now, but still feels this almost intangible grief which she attributed to not having had a (romantic) relationship like those portrayed in the show. I mentioned that what she's grieving maybe isn't romance, but the lack of a robust support system. I told her that she may need a more diverse friend group full of people who can meet her emotional needs more frequently (more frequently than me). "We work together now, and that changed our dynamics. We don't meet to discuss what we did like we used to. You may be feeling like your relationships; your friendships, specifically, are unfulfilling, and may need to find more friends or build more robust community with a diversity of people." I told her that our emotional needs won't always be met in the way we need when we communicate that need, especially if our support systems are fragile or small, and that being able to reach out to lots of different people for support- a primary theme of the show- is beneficial.

There is an epidemic of loneliness among our youth, and many are throwing themselves at or pressuring themselves into romance to alleviate that pain and this feeling of a void. We often discuss building community, but now how or even if people have access to the space and tools to build that community. We often discuss the need for emotional maturity and conflict resolution but not how to achieve it so that community does not dissolve at the slightest sign of discordance. And that's why unrealistic- nearly idealistic- shows like Heartstopper can be so important for young people, namely teens. The characters don't just model representation but also emotional maturity, conflict resolution, self-care, and how to support friends and loved ones when they are most in need. The show models empathy; an empathy so many are campaigning to counteract through the demolition of DEI and SEL initiatives.

I also feel people are focusing so much on regret for a childhood entirely out of their control that they forget the messages of this show. The show is about creating a kinder and fairer world. It's about making the space for people to explore identity and be themselves. It's about having patience with yourself. It's about the hard work that goes into creating sturdy support systems and communities. It's about taking your time to learn and grow. It's about overcoming adversity. It's about acceptance. It's about how you don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe them a performance. You don't owe them the personal details of your life. And you don't owe them a justification for who you are.

And it's about how there's no timeline. Life has no timeline. Romance has no timeline. Coming out has no timeline. Aging has no timeline.

"Probably a bit late for me to have any youthful moments of discovery." "Don't think there's an age limit on those, to be honest."

Don't grieve something that never died.

[foggyparadisecandy]

[tw: tough topics ahead … not worth reading .. should not be read if you are not in a good space … honestly shouldn’t be read by anyone .. I’m venting them because this is my space and I’ll use it how I want… the warning and the break are so you don’t have to read it.]

I apologize for my previous post (since deleted). I’m in a slightly better space.

I know why I’ve slipped back into depression.

I’ve been reading up on trauma … so I can better understand my ex … and I can better understand me.

This has opened up a lot of stuff in me that I’ve held on to for … oh … forever. Starting with the most recent stuff …

I love my ex. I believe I do and that’s all that matters. I care about her. I’m worried about her. And she is not safe. And there is nothing that can be done.

That makes me feel so powerless. Big shock: I’m a control freak. I’m a domineering, control freak and to be powerless to help someone I love? Pretty fucking powerful negative emotions crashing into me.

Worse? I’ve realized I love her like a daughter. Which … maybe the dd/lg thing has a bunch of that baked into it plus the sexual aspects which makes it “hot” and kinky … idk.

I’m pretty fucking much a n00b in the bdsm space - at least as an active participant. I need to dig into the dynamics and see if most “daddies” feel like actual fathers to their lg’s.

All I know is that I’ve come to realize that is how I think of her. And I have this overwhelming sense of “keep my baby safe” that is killing me. I realized earlier .. “keeping her safe” was always an illusion.

I can’t keep her safe. Even if I was with her every second of the day, keeping someone else safe from all life throws at them is a … dangerous mindset. So. I can set that down. And if I find I pick it back up, I need to remember this and set it back down.

I also have been ghosted by her. This is tougher for me. It dings my ego and belief that I’m some sort of savior that she needs. No. She clearly doesn’t *need* me. She’s a fully functioning (although saddled with some serious trauma of her own) human being. We were together and shared some beautiful experiences. She doesn’t *need* me. So I can set that down too. She has decided she doesn’t need a savior and that’s her choice, not mine. I respect that even if it bugs me.

And she doesn’t owe me anything. Although, admittedly, I find that last bit hard to swallow because I know she loved me deeply even up to the end. Shit, if we don’t owe our loved ones common courtesies, I just don’t know what the fuck is up with the world. She’s young. She doesn’t have my perspective on loving relationships. Also true: my own perspective is probably (haha definitely) screwy from my own bullshit.

The ghosting hurt also because I didn’t get any proper closure or explanations. In the end, she was sending so many confusing messages at me. But this one, as hard as it is, is just what it is. I know she wasn’t thinking clearly about her own safety and well-being in the end. It’s impossible to think she was ever going to give either of us good closure. So I need to set that down too. The closure is to be found on my own. And I think … appreciating what she brought me and shared with me … which was extremely lovely and enjoyable.

I worry about her future potentially being diminished. But it’s not mine to worry about. She’ll either get it or she won’t. I know this. I keep forgetting. She’ll either survive her mission or she won’t. I can’t keep her safe from that and I can’t bring her home.

Set it down. Set it down. Set it down.

Ahhhhh sometimes talking these things out is useful. I’ve repeated this stuff so many times, it’s getting easier to get there each time. Instead of getting stuck in depression, I need to remember the lessons and set these things down if I find I’ve picked them back up.

These aren’t burdens I can carry anymore or should carry. As tough as it is to admit, I’m not a god. Many days I’m barely a functioning human lol.

Then … setting all that down .. I think I see my real problems … my childhood shit. I’m not sure I can even consider it at the moment without spiraling so I’m calling it a night on this venting.

I wrote that little song the other day which was pretty spot on imo. A friend told me it was kind of fucked up how painful it was to read. Yeah. I get it. I lived it.

lol some of y’all are masochists if you keep reading these things. I’m so so sorry … I just need to work these things out and there is a comfort in imagining another human is reading my stuff and feeling my emotions.

It’s nice to imagine a connection with others when we are hurting. It feels better than dumping this to my private journal.

Thank you fellow humans.

[enki2]

i hate that twitter screenshot that's been going around that's basically telling people never to consider other people's feelings and then conflating that with "taking up space". it's stupid, and because people are liable to take it seriously, it's also kind of dangerous.

living in a society means stepping back and assessing how our actions affect other people. humans are not born domesticated: it takes about 20 years for us to get to the point where we begin to be effective at avoiding hurting the people we love, under ideal circumstances, and few of our circumstances are ideal.

a relationship with another human being involves both people making a good faith effort to suppress and redirect those instincts that, if not suppressed or redirected, would harm the other person. this can never be done perfectly, because human beings are wild beasts, and because our society is not built around fulfilling our needs the way personal relationships *must* be.

most people who cannot redirect their desires to pro-social ends are children, so we call people who choose not to do this childish.

for instance, i have a very human need: i want the people i like to also like me. sometimes this is simply impossible: i fail too often to behave in ways someone finds acceptable, and they can't be around me; to demand that they continue to be my friend would be childish! similarly, if i demand that they show me affection without justifying it, that would be childish. the adult thing to do is, if you want somebody to like you, be likeable, and if they still don't like you, give up and leave them alone.

healthy relationships involve people trying their best to be mutually tolerable, doing things for each other to try to make up for the future when they will inevitably fail to be tolerable, trying to forgive what failures are forgivable, and handling the collapse of this arrangement in such a way as to minimize pain (since all human relationships are doomed, if only by the inevitability of death).

part of the reason the meme annoys me so much is that people should know better. like, OP is using therapy language but apparently never fucking read madness and civilization? go back to high school, re-take intro psych, and come back when you're not gonna try to convince lonely vulnerable people that the key to love and friendship is to become that one friend with no self control who everybody dreads hanging out with

the sane version of this is: yes, anybody who doesn't give you at least as much slack for failing to cater to their needs as you give to them is not being fair, and a relationship with them is not going to last, so maybe cut them off.

but don't become an adult that needs to be babysat just because some tweet told you that all your impulses are perfect

"take up space" is also a horrible framing.

accept the space that is offered to you, and if the space that is offered is too cramped to live in, leave. don't invite yourself into somebody's house and steal their couch.

this only applies to friendships and other kinds of equitable arrangements, of course.

when it comes to, say, work, being careful to avoid imposing on people is not always an ethical consideration: it's one thing to impose upon colleagues, but you don't owe your boss any courtesy; instead, it is a matter of life or death ("being authentic" at work *will* get you fired, pretty much no matter *who* you are or *where* you work, and regardless of ostensible legal protections). we should not allow ourselves to confuse the two situations (which may even overlap and interact, but which have extremely different dynamics).

[mmbaaccountants]

Simplify Your Tax Matters with Tax Assist: London

It is said to be the writer Mark Twain who once observed that the only two real certainties in life are “Death and Taxes”. This is hard to argue with and it is certainly the case that most people are completely unprepared for both of those eventualities, and they both make people very nervous. As accountants we find the former is rather beyond our purview, but we are very well able to help people navigate their way through dealing with the latter. Sorting out taxes is what we love to do.

Most people do feel that they need a little help with anything more complex than P.A.Y.E. and it is the case that working out what is or is not owed in taxes is certainly not a straightforward thing. What exactly counts as income? Which aspects of your property’s value is taxable? How do tax allowances work? What do you need to do about money earned overseas? Most of all, what are the consequences of getting things wrong?

Staying on top of everything can be a big ask. If you feel that you need a bit of a tax assist London is an excellent place to be, however simple or complicated your tax affairs may be. For the best tax return services London folk know to head for Upper Woburn Place and the London offices of MMBA. Conveniently located close to King’s Cross/St Pancras Stations we are closely connected not just to customers from across London but across the United Kingdom and even Europe. Our skilled accounting team has extensive experience in all aspects of UK tax, as well as other jurisdictions which means we can also assist with international tax affairs as well.

After all, London’s recognised status as an international financial hub means that if you are a UK business in need of an offshore tax assist London really is the logical place to come. And of course there are many other aspects of tax regulation in the UK jurisdiction that we might also recommend you get some advice on from a suitably experienced tax accountant.

Take cryptocurrency, for example. Quite apart from all of the technical ins and outs of this relatively new financial phenomenon it is also a genuine challenge from an accountancy perspective. Funds held in cryptocurrencies are treated by HMRC as investment assets and not currency holdings. However, while any profits made as the value of cryptocurrency increases is taxed as a capital gain, if you are paid for work that you have done with crypto currency the value of that cryptocurrency will still be taxed as income. It only gets more complex from there.

You could work everything out yourself. But is it really worth the investment of time you would need to put in? After all, making an error could potentially lead to you paying more tax than you need to. We can simplify of that stuff. With our tax return services London businesses can focus their attention on the things they actually want to do. Taking care of all the accountancy for their business is what our business does.

Our expertise is also available outside London. We got our start as one of the most dynamic accounting firms in Cambridge and we can now be of service to clients across the South East of England. Our passion is to make your tax life as simple as possible so why not call us and find out just what we can do to help you.

[my-life-literally]

You know R, I couldn’t accept those “blooms” from you today. I am not a toy you can pick up when you feel generous, or when you feel like connecting. I am mindful that you claim nice gestures in front of others. But in our exchanges, you remind me of how useless, fake, and what a negative force I am in your life. Always, I apologize. Always. 

Ok. I believe you. I believe that for the last ten years our relationship has seriously deteriorated. If not, then it has always had an undertone of fakeness. I take full responsibility for that. For my actions. And for my actions impacts on you, and our relationship. 

I don’t think that I need to be in your life. I don’t think you need to be in mine. I have worked to put your feelings ahead of mine for the majority of our lives. Every thing I did wrong, you brutalized me for. Every time I fell in love, you scoffed, laughed, and threatened my partners. You blamed me for anything bad that happened to you. I believe that I am not a good force in your life. 

And I don’t want to pretend. 

Our relationship was never what I thought it was. It was coerced under abuse of all kinds. And I am setting it free. 

You told me that you don’t believe me when I say it, but, I truly do want you to be happy. I am happy that you have started afresh with your husband. I don’t want anything to stop you or your happiness, safety, and wellbeing. And I release you. 

I have given most of my life to caring for the emotional, well being of the family we were both born into. A family that I did not create. I have celebrated you and supported your relationships in a way you have not supported mine. You laughed. And I am letting you go. I don’t know if I can say I am letting you go in love, because I don’t know if that can exist between us, after everything I have done. I suppose then, that I am letting go in safety. Be well. 

I am alone, R. I am alone because I have spent years trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why did I do that to you? What was it like for you to grow up alongside your monster of a sister? How can I make sure we are protected from our mother? And you never wanted that. You never wanted me. I didn’t choose you and you didn’t choose me. I don’t exist for you and you don’t exist for me. 

You offered me blooms today, after you berated me to your new family to the point of no one speaking to me at your wedding. Your husband won’t speak to me or look me in the eye anymore when we’re in the same room, which is rarely. You reemed me out when I suggested therapy. You said my depression was selfish. And the worst of it is, you equated me to our mother. 

I don’t know what the future holds. But right now, I need space from this dynamic. It is not healthy. And it’s burned into my brain like walking. And I wish it could be different. God knows that I wish it could be different. I can’t tell you the countless hours I have talked about this with C, I, A, P and counsellors on what to do, how to conduct myself, how to make myself less harmful to you. But it’s not different, the situation is the situation. I am a person too, R. I barely have time or mental space to think about my own traumas. And I am alone - just to think of all these things. I understand you needed to leave, and that’s ok. But I have feelings too. I am a person too. I am a real sister. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s the texts you sent last October, but I feel like I truly don’t owe you anything. Not in an angry way. Just in a I am letting it go way. There is nothing more I can do. 

I feel like if I accepted them, it’s just fake. You get to feel like you have solved the problems or are taking steps. But I have a feeling there is a show right around the corner you probably want me to participate in. And I am not. For most of my life, I felt like our relationship was one of the only real things in my life. And it wasn’t. And our of respect for that, for what real sisterhood is or can be, I just can’t do these trinkety things. I am not doing it here and I am not doing it anywhere. 

I am no longer your emotional punching bag. Or yo-yo or whatever. I am tired. And I am aware I turned down the flowers of my pregnant sister. But I can’t. I just can’t accept them in good faith. I can’t accept the show of it, especially in front of our male family members. I don’t even think you know you’re doing what you do. But it’s fake. And I am no longer pretending anything. 

[gatheringbones]

[“Especially in infancy, but throughout childhood, the young human uses the emotional and nervous systems of the caring adults to regulate her own internal states. The interpersonal-biological math is elementary: the more stressed the adult, the more stressed the child. Extensive research has demonstrated that when stressed, parents are less patient and more punishing and harsher with their young children. Stress impairs their capacity to be calm, responsive, and attuned.

As a recent review by leading researchers pointed out, “In more stressful environments for parents, children not only experience less protection from environmental stressors but also are more likely to have stress-inducing relationships with caregivers.” Another study showed that, while elevated stress induced more punitive attitudes in mothers, increased levels of support favorably diminished them. Contemporary science affirms ancient wisdom once more.

Parental stress expresses itself in less overt ways, too, such as distraction and emotional absence. Many parents, though loving, are frequently preoccupied by genuine concerns about relationship issues or economic troubles or personal problems and, as a result, just aren’t as attentive or “present.” This affects development as surely as does parental rage or coldness. “Primate experiments show that infants can undergo severe separation reactions even though their mothers are visually, but not psychologically available,” reports the renowned researcher, psychologist, and theorist Allan Schore. Dr. Schore calls such noncontact “proximate separation”—so close, but yet so far. It’s a dynamic that many children in our society experience, owing to the stresses parents habitually endure. The message the child gets is “You are not worthy of my attention. You must work to earn it.”

Whether or not we explicitly recall such experiences, their imprints survive in our unconscious and in our nervous systems. Making matters more stressful is the alienation imposed by financial hardship. “The relentlessness of modern-day parenting has a powerful motivation: economic anxiety,” the New York Times reported in 2018. “For the first time, it’s as likely as not that American children will be less prosperous than their parents. For parents, giving children the best start in life has come to mean doing everything they can to ensure that their children can climb to a higher class, or at least not fall out of the one they were born into.”

The unintended impact of such fearful, status-driven child-rearing is that the child’s irreducible emotional needs fall secondary to the desperation of parents striving to ensure the academic and financial success of their offspring.”]

gabor maté, from the myth of normal: trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture, 2022

[sweet-babyrose]

Always Moving Forward (Alexia Putellas x Jenni Hermoso)

Summary: Jenni gets transferred to another club while she and Alexia are still fighting. It gets worse before it can get better.

This is very obviously AU. DNI if it makes you uncomfortable.

Jenni hung up the phone and let it fall to the ground. It was over. She'd be leaving Barcelona soon. She'd be leaving the place she called home. Pushing the heels of her hands into her eyes, she tried to keep the tears at bay. She hated leaving this way. She was having the worst season of her career. She was fighting with Alexia. She had wanted to leave on her terms.

But life hadn't worked that way for her in a while.

Alexia.

Shit. Glancing at the clock, she saw that it was only 7pm. She didn't have to be on a flight to Madrid until ten a.m. tomorrow. She didn't want anything to leak before she had a chance to tell Alexia herself. Despite everything, Jenni still felt like she owed Alexia that. She took her keys and headed to Alexia's.

Knocking on Alexia's door felt strange. Only a few months ago, she would have let herself in with her own key. She knocked again. Alexia opened the door, wearing a short black dress and heels. Her hair was pulled back and she had makeup on.

"Uh," Jenni said, at a complete loss for words.

"Jenni," she said in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry. Are you on your way out?" Jenni looked down at Alexia's outfit again, trying to keep her face completely neutral. But Alexia looked good. Like really good. And she had a feeling she wasn’t doing a good job of keeping her mouth from hanging open.

"I have a few minutes. Want to come in?" She stepped back to let Jenni through. "I have to leave in about ten minutes."

"This will only take a second." Jenni tucked her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "I wanted you to hear it from me." She took a breath. "I'm signing with a new team tomorrow."

"What? With who?"

"I'm going back to Madrid."

"Of course you're running home," Alexia said, scoffing.

Jenni tried not to let that statement completely destroy her. She willed herself not to cry. Not here. Not in front of Alexia. Clearing her throat, she looked over Alexia's shoulder, refusing to meet her eyes. "I'll go to Madrid and sign the papers tomorrow. Like I said, I wanted you to hear it from me. Have a good night." And then she left, not slamming the door nearly as hard as she wanted to.

Getting in her car, she sped away from the apartment she had called home for so many years. She let the tears flow down her face. She loved this city. She loved this club. She wanted to stay in Barcelona for years more. But Barcelona no longer wanted her and there was nothing she could do to change that. She was sure one day she would be glad that Atletico was still giving her a chance. But today, today she just needed to let herself be sad because the best part of her life was ending. And she had absolutely no control over it.

~~~

Alexia had texted Jonatan after Jenni had left, asking for a meeting the next day. He was already waiting in his office, coffee ready, when she arrived at 8:00am sharp. She accepted the coffee from his assistant before asking her to leave them to speak in private. Setting the coffee down untouched, she sat in the seat opposite him.

"I've always respected the choices you've made for this team, you know that, right?" she asked, trying to maintain her generally friendly demeanor.

"Yes, Alexia of course. This is about Hermoso, right?"

"Why are we letting her sign with another team?"

"We decided she no longer fit the future team we're trying to build."

Alexia leaned forward, folding her hands on the table. "Do you mean to tell me that we didn't even make her an offer for a new contract?"

"That's correct."

Alexia pushed out of her seat. "This is completely ridiculous. Hermoso is a dynamic player who has played an essential role in getting us where we are today."

"She was, yes. But like I said, she no longer fits into our future plan."

"And do you care to share this plan with me? The girls are going to ask questions."

"I'm not at liberty to discuss that with you yet. Once we meet again for preseason, I'll be happy to talk about it with you." He sighed. "Alexia, please just be patient. We're trying to move this team forward. We have a plan. We just need to move a few more pieces into place."

"She's a person. She's not a piece to be moved around," Alexia threw over her shoulder, leaving his office without waiting for a response.

~~~

Lola met Jenni at the airport and drove her to the Atletico offices for the signing. She stayed close by her friend throughout the afternoon, although Jenni hadn't said much to her.

Jenni tried to hide it, but it was clear in the photos of her signing the papers that she had been crying. She shook hands with the club president and thanked him for the opportunity to play at Atletico again. And then it was done. She had signed a three year contract to play in Madrid. It would probably be the last contract signing of her football career. And she couldn't even the find the strength to be happy about this day.

She stayed at Lola and Carmen's that night, her flight not scheduled until the next morning. As soon as Carmen saw Jenni, she wrapped her in a big hug and then made herself scarce so the old friends could talk.

"We're really happy to have you coming back to Madrid," Lola said, handing Jenni a beer. "I know it's not Barca but we still accomplished some pretty incredible things the last time we played together."

"I know." Jenni leaned her head back against the couch.

"Think we could do it again?"

"No doubt in my mind."

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Lola observed the stress all over her friend's face. And the sadness behind it.

"Did something else happen or are you just upset to be leaving Barcelona like this?"

"She accused me of running home."

"Alexia?" Jenni nodded. "Did you tell her what happened?"

"I didn't get a chance to. We've barely spoken in months. And I went to tell her last night and all she said was that I was running. So I just told her I was signing the papers today and then left."

"She doesn't know they shoved you out?" Lola asked angrily. After all these years, she still couldn't believe how callously the club had treated her friend.

Jenni shook her head.

"Are you going to try to talk to her again?"

"I'm not sure there's really any point. She's made it clear that we're never getting back together and that she doesn't even want to be my friend. I didn't want her to hear the news from anyone else and I made sure she didn't. But other than that, what else is there to say?"

"That you would have stayed had you been given the opportunity? That Barcelona would always be home? That you're really fucking sorry about how things had turned out and you wish you could go back and change it?"

"She's not interested, Lola. It's better if I just quietly go back to get my things and then move on. From Alexia. From Barcelona. From my whole life there."

Jenni ended up staying in Madrid for a few days after that. She spent time at home with her mom. Her mom always supported her, no matter what. This time was no different. She held her tightly when Jenni finally let herself cry again, murmuring sweet words to her of support and love. Leire had come in, then, and Jenni quickly wiped the tears away, picking Leire up and running around the living room. Her niece's laugh would always be a healing sound to her wounded heart.

When she returned to Barcelona, she didn't go alone. Carmen, Lola, and Vir went with her. Alongside a few of her former Barcelona teammates, they packed her apartment in a single afternoon. She begged them not to tell Alexia she was moving so soon, looking pointedly at Vir when she asked them. They all promised to keep it between them until after she had left Barcelona.

~~~

It had been six months since Jenni had left Barcelona. This was the first time she was returning. Her chest remained tight the entire ride there. Tonight, she was facing her old team for the first time.

Lola had described her as "a force to be reckoned with" during training. Jenni was training longer and harder than she ever had before. She'd always been a fast, strong, dynamic player. But now she was even faster, even stronger, and even more dynamic on the ball. She was getting her confidence in football back, something she hadn't realized she'd lost in her last few months with Barcelona. Alongside the official captains, she had quickly become one of the leaders on the field.

In a move to protect herself from more heartache, Jenni had handed over full control of her social media pages to her manager, with strict instructions to post only club-related information. She had unfollowed nearly everyone from her life in Barcelona. She didn't need to accidentally see anything that would cause her more pain. She’d changed her phone number and only given the new number to a few people. Although she sometimes regretted it, she knew cutting everyone out was the only way to save herself. And she had forced herself not to look at what moves the club was making. She didn't need any more ammo to fuel the anger coursing through her body, an anger that she had been able to hide from everyone so far. Except her mother.

Stepping up to the pitch of Johan Cruyff in her white and red uniform, Jenni let the emotion simply roll through her. She took a few deep breaths. Lola bumped her shoulder.

"All good?"

"All good," she answered. She bumped her fist against Lola's. She was starting tonight. She was ready for this.

"We wanted to talk to you for a minute, do you mind?" Jenni shook her head and followed after Lola. The other two captains and the coaches were waiting for her.

"We understand how big this night is for you," Amanda started. "And we've discussed this. You've showed real leadership throughout these weeks of training. We'd like you to captain us tonight." She held out the captain's armband.

Jenni didn't know what to say. Wearing the armband was always a privilege, especially in this type of situation, where she wasn't officially one of the captains. She reached for the band, wrapping her fingers tightly around it. "Thank you," she cleared her throat. "Thank you very much. This means a lot." She didn't want to cry right now. Clearing her throat again, she pulled the band up her arm, running her hand over it once it was in place. "Thank you," she said again. "I appreciate the confidence."

It didn't occur to her that being the captain tonight meant she would walk out next to Alexia or that she would have to meet her for the coin toss. As they lined up to walk out, Jenni kept her eyes ahead, focused on the pitch in front of her. Her family had come from Madrid to support her and she couldn't wait for them to see her walk out of the tunnel first. She could feel her former teammates eyes on her and she tried as hard as possible not to focus on them.

She ran to the center for the coin toss, maintaining her focus on the purpose. She refused to look up and meet Alexia's eyes. Madrid won the coin toss. She shook hands with the refs, offering them smiles. She politely bumped fists with Alexia.

"Good luck tonight," she said.

"Save your luck for your own team," Jenni responded, running to join her huddle, leaving Alexia staring after her.

"Alright ladies," Jenni said, wrapping a tight arm around Lola's waist. "We've been training for this. We've been waiting for this moment. Barca might be undefeated. But that ends today! With all of us. Keep your focus. Don't fall for their tricks. Remember everything we've studied about them in the last few weeks. We've got this!" The huddle ended with them stacking their hands in the middle and a rally cry before they ran out on to the field to get in position.

The whistle blew, signaling the start of the match.

It was physical, much more physical than their game the previous week. The Atleti defenders were making tackle after tackle to keep Barca from scoring. Jenni continually found herself up against Alexia, fighting for the ball. She would maneuver the ball away from Alexia only to be shoved over. Alexia would maneuver the ball away from Jenni only to find herself tripped. At one point, Jenni's arm "accidently" caught Alexia's nose, sending her straight to the ground, grasping her face. The referee was pulling the yellow card from her pocket before Jenni could even argue against it. Not that it stopped her from trying as the ref wrote out the information on the back of the card.

When the final whistle blew, Jenni fell to her knees, raising her hands above her head. They had done it. Not only had they been the team that beat Barcelona, but they had played amazing football to do it. She hugged her teammates tight, congratulating them on a job well done. She gave professional high fives to the Barcelona players, staying clear of Alexia, and stopping only to give Leila, Mapi, and Ana a hug. They were the only three she had given her new number to and the only three she had kept communication with.

She was still riding her high as she went into the after-match press conference.

"How are you feeling right now?"

"Absolutely incredible. I am so proud of this team and everything we accomplished here tonight. We had two goals tonight: win and put on an incredible show. We won. We're the first team to beat Barcelona this year. And I think we put on a pretty amazing show for the fans tonight."

"Congratulations on your hattrick tonight."

"Thank you. You know, we've been training hard. And tonight our training came through. We communicated well. Our touches were on point. Our passes were clean. We played great football."

"You didn't hesitate to celebrate any of those goals after scoring. Do you feel like you may have owed your former teammates the courtesy of toning down your celebrations?"

"No. We're all professional athletes. I play for Atletico now. I celebrate the victories of Atletico, no matter who our opponents are."

"You've refused to comment on your transfer so far. Can we assume the choice to have you captain the team tonight has to do with the fact that you were playing against Barca?"

"There were many things that went into choosing me as captain tonight."

"For instance?"

"You'll have to ask Oscar that question. But I would assume that my experience with this team had something to do with it."

"And after that stellar win, are you ready to make a statement on the transfer?"

"I think you know my answer to that question," Jenni said with a smile. "Thanks for your time. I'm going to celebrate with my team now."

And celebrate they did. By the time Jenni made it to the locker room, the champagne was already freely flowing. Someone shoved a bottle into her hands from the front. And from the back, someone dumped a bottle over her head. They hadn't won the league, or the SuperCopa, or the Copa de la Reina. But tonight, they celebrated this win like they had achieved greatness. They had done what no other club in the league had done, this season or last. And for one reason or another, they all made Jenni feel like she was an integral part of that win, no matter how many times she said that they won because they worked together.

After copious bottles of champagne and a few beers, Jenni was feeling more than a little tipsy. Her smile hadn't left her face since she went into the locker room. She'd danced with her teammates. They'd huddled for a group hug. They'd sung at the top of their (terrible) lungs. And none of them wanted to go to bed anytime soon.

Jenni almost missed the phone call, it was so loud in the locker room. But someone had seen the screen light up and thrown the phone to her. She stepped out into the hall, immediately noting Alexia sitting against the wall. Rolling her eyes, she walked in the opposite direction and answered the call.

"Hey, coach."

"Hermoso," Jorge Vilda said in greeting. "Great game tonight."

"Thanks. What can I do for you?" She crossed her arm over her stomach.

"We have a national team camp coming up. This is our last camp before the World Cup. I want you on the roster. I warn you, Hermoso, if you say no again, this is the last time I will be calling you."

"And if I ask for 24 hours to think about it?" Jenni had needed the time away from the national team but she didn't want it to be completely over for her.

"Same. I want an answer now."

Jenni rubbed her eyes, her happy mood slowly disappearing. "I'll be there."

"Great. You'll get the details next week. I'm very happy to have you back with us."

"Yeah. Good night, coach." Jenni hung up, twirling the phone a few times in her hand. Putting her hands in her pocket, she turned back towards the locker room, hoping Alexia had left. But of course, that was a stupid hope to have. She had waited this long, one eye roll from Jenni wasn't going to make her leave. Jenni pulled open the locker room door, fully intending on ignoring her.

But Alexia reached out and pushed the locker room door shut.

"Jenni," she said.

"Putellas." Jenni stepped back, crossing her arms. "Did you get lost? Your locker rooms are that way." She nodded down the opposite hallway. “I’m pretty sure you know your way around here.” 

"No, I was waiting for you."

"I have somewhere to be. But you're more than welcome to send an email to my agent if you need to set up a meeting about something."

"Don't be like this. Let me just explain."

"Like I said, I have somewhere to be. We have a win to celebrate." Jenni nudged Alexia out of the way and went back into the locker room, leaning back against the door once it was closed. She let her eyes shut. She willed her heart to stop hammering. She could feel every corner of her body lighting on fire. Trying to control her breathing, she pushed the heels of her hands against her chest, hoping to control the pain.

"Hey, mana, everything okay? Who was that?" Carmen asked.

Jenni forced a smile for the young defender. She looked at her, cupping her cheek. "I'm okay. It's all just hitting me." She looked around the room. No one was winding down yet. She doubted anyone would leave anytime soon. But she couldn't find it in herself to want to continue partying with them. Not when thoughts of the last year that she had tried so hard to block out were filling her head and her heart. And she was physically afraid that her heart might pound right out of her chest.

"You don't look okay," Carmen whispered. "She was waiting out there, wasn't she? Goddamit, I knew it." She pushed away, seeing the answer in Jenni's eyes. "I'll kill her, I will." She tried to move Jenni out of her way so she could go out into the hallway.

"Please, hermana, don't. Just leave it alone." In the months after Jenni moved to Madrid, she spent many nights at Lola and Carmen's. Although Jenni always said she'd put Barcelona behind her, they never believed she could have done it so easily. Like flipping a switch. She'd cut them out but she hadn't left them behind. "Go. Go celebrate. I just need a minute." She pressed a kiss to Carmen's cheek. "I swear I'll be fine in a minute."

"You don't have to be fine, you know." Carmen squeezed Jenni's hand. "You can feel however you need to about everything."

"I know. But I'll be fine." She smiled again.

~~~

Jenni couldn't believe her luck. She'd been assigned to room with Alexia. She tried to change the room assignments but was told everyone else had already checked in. Sighing, she walked to the elevator, praying that Alexia wasn't in the room. She desperately wanted to lay down. It hadn't been a long trip, less than an hour from her new apartment, but she just wanted to relax before the team meeting.

Opening the door to her room, she found not only Alexia but also Claudia, Jana, and Leila in there. Claudia immediately jumped off the bed and ran full force at Jenni, nearly knocking her over. Jenni let herself hug Claudia back. The kid hadn't done anything wrong, after all. There was no real reason to be rude to her.

"Jenni, I'm so glad you're back!" she said, excitedly, giving her an extra squeeze before stepping back. "We've really missed you around here."

Jenni gave her a smile. "I missed you, too, kid." She set her bags down next to the unoccupied bed and glanced at Leila and Jana. "Hi."

"Hi, Jenni," Jana said quietly. She could feel the tension in the room and wasn't sure she wanted to step on anyone's toes. Alexia had frozen the moment Jenni stepped into the room and her eyes hadn't left her yet. Jana loved Alexia and she was honestly still a bit hurt at having been completely cut out by Jenni all those months before.

"Hola, hermana." Leila stood up to give Jenni a hug. "Want to go for a walk?" she whispered. She felt Jenni nod against her. Stepping back, she looked over her shoulder at Alexia. "Alright, ladies, we'll see you at the meeting." She led Jenni out of the room before Alexia could say anything.

They walked down the hallway to Leila's room. "My roommate is out if you want to hang here, or we can actually go for a walk."

"I was hoping to lay down. Let's stay here." Jenni followed Leila into the room. Leila pointed at her bed and Jenni flopped face down on one side of it. "Please please please can I trade rooms with you?" she groaned into the comforter.

"Don't beg. It's not a good look." Leila laid down next to her. "Maybe you two should try talking."

"No chance of that anytime soon." Jenni turned over on her back, folding her arms over her stomach. "Can we talk about something else? How's the team doing?" Jenni's break from everything also meant she hadn't kept up with how the national team had been training together or playing together.

For the next hour, Leila filled Jenni in on the last six months. Patri had been brought up to take Jenni's spot as captain. They were all working pretty well together, even the new kids who had been called up. Everyone was excited that they were on track to qualify for the World Cup.

The meeting that night was pretty standard first night of camp check in and planning. Jenni chose a seat in the far corner, away from everyone. The seat allowed her to slip quietly out at the end of the meeting and retreat to her room. When a half hour and then an hour passed, she was surprised to still be sitting alone in the room. Deciding it was late enough, she got ready for bed. And was asleep before Alexia walked in 20 minutes later with a small white bag.

Alexia set it on the dresser and quietly got ready for bed. Before laying down, she wrote Jenni's name on the white bag. She didn't actually expect Jenni to listen if she talked but maybe the baked goods inside would help soften her. They were from a bakery they both went to every time they were in camp.

She didn't expect to find the room empty and the bag in the trash the next morning. Groaning, she put her training clothes on and left the room.

Jenni ignored Alexia as best she could throughout the day. She focused on the training and the exercises. Alexia noticed the difference in the way Jenni trained. When they'd trained together in the past, Jenni had always been dedicated but she was always light and fun, goofing off and making others laugh. But this Jenni never cracked a joke or smiled once throughout the day. She was entirely focused on the task at hand. It was strange for Alexia to see Jenni like this. She understood why Jenni didn't interact with her but for her not to engage with anyone was a side of her that Alexia had never seen before.

"Just give her time to adjust," Lola said quietly, seeing Alexia staring in Jenni's direction.

"Does she train this seriously in Madrid too?"

"Sort of. She's more intense now. But she does talks to people usually. I think it's just a lot for her to be here with so many of her old teammates from Barcelona." She rubbed a hand over her old friend's shoulder. "Give her time," she said again, walking away. She couldn't violate the trust Jenni had put in her by staying and possibly revealing more to Alexia. But she also had felt the need to reassure her friend that it may not always be like this.

That evening, Alexia and Jenni were silently laying on their beds. Alexia couldn't remember the last time they had laid in awkward silence. Even when they'd been fighting before the transfer, it was never awkward. Deciding she couldn't take it anymore, she stood up. She put her wallet in her pocket and slid her sandals on.

"I'm going to get a coffee. Would you like anything?" Silence. "Jenni?" she asked, forcing the name from her lips. She swallowed hard and bit her lip when Jenni responded by putting her headphones on. "Right," she muttered. She tried, unsuccessfully, not to slam the door behind her on the way out. Blowing out a breath, she tried to shake it off as she walked down to the coffee shop.

She came back to the room with two coffees. One for her. And one for Jenni. They were stuck together in a room for a week. It didn't matter if Jenni hated her but she was going to at least try to be kind to her.

Jenni was still laying on her bed when Alexia walked in. "I brought you a coffee," Alexia said, holding it out. She was pleasantly surprised when Jenni sat up and took it from her.

"Thanks," she said. Standing, she walked into the bathroom and poured it out. She brought the empty cup back into the room and threw it in the trash can so Alexia could see it. Laying back down on her bed, she put her headphone back on.

Not wanting Jenni to see the hot tears burning the back of her eyes, she took her coffee out onto the patio. She talked to her sister for a while, texted a few of her friends, and then let herself fall asleep out there. She knew she would pay for it in training tomorrow but she wasn't ready to go back into the room yet.

For the next few days, Alexia tried to leave Jenni alone to settle back into the team. She wanted to apologize, but she was also cognizant of what Lola had told her. Observing Jenni, she could clearly see the tension in her. She was clearly struggling being here. And Alexia knew that could affect her playing. She desperately wanted to right their personal issues, but not at the expense of the whole team. Not when the team had a spot in the world cup within their grasp.

However much she hated it, the team had to come first.

Vilda was being extra aggressive towards Jenni. And Alexia didn't like it one bit. He was making her do extra drills even though she was in the best physical shape Alexia had ever seen. He was making her drag out the equipment for the team to use and to clean up after training. He was making her stay longer and meet with him. He was constantly yelling that she was doing something incorrectly, despite her performing well.

Alexia tried as much as she could to ease the burden he was placing on Jenni. She'd help with the equipment. She'd stay late to make sure everything was cleaned properly. When Jenni would yell that she could handle it alone, Alexia would calmly reply that part of being a captain was helping her teammates. They both knew it wasn't the only reason she was helping.

On the last night camp, it was decided the team would settle into one of the big meeting rooms for a movie night. As always, Alexia randomly drew the movie they would watch from a hat. The team always fought and it was as fair a system as they could agree on a few years ago.

"You've Got Mail." She rolled her eyes. "Irene, do you ever pick a different movie?"

"Never! It's the best movie of all time."

"We're not watching that movie again," Alexia said. "I had a better idea actually. It's Jenni's first camp back in a while," she hated the way her chest tightened just saying Jenni's name out loud, "and I was thinking we could watch her favorite instead?" Alexia also knew how much Jenni hated watching You've Got Mail.

"I'm good, thanks," Jenni called out from the back.

"But, who doesn't love Hugo?"

"Hugo's your favorite movie?" one of the new kids asked Jenni. She just shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest. "I've never seen it. Can we watch that?" Slowly, girls around the room started agreeing that they should watch Hugo over You've Got Mail.

"I'll make you pay for this, Alexia," Irene said, laughing.

Satisfied, Alexia turned Hugo on. She allowed herself to look in Jenni's direction when the movie started and thought she saw the smallest hint of a smile. She took her seat. Throughout the entire movie, she found herself smiling to herself. Finally, she'd gotten the tiniest of positive emotion out of Jenni. But that good mood quickly disappeared when she looked back halfway through the movie to find Jenni's seat empty.

Alexia cleaned up the room quietly, turning off the movie, unplugging the projector, stacking the chairs, and tossing out the leftover popcorn. Since noticing Jenni's empty seat, she'd just wanted to go back to her room and sleep. But she knew that wasn't a good example to set for her newer teammates. So she had sat there, saying every line of the movie in her head and counting down the minutes until the credits rolled.

She walked back up to her room, feeling defeated. She'd tried everything she could think of that week to get Jenni to give her a minute. All she wanted to do was explain and apologize. She wasn't looking for forgiveness. She knew she wouldn't get it. As quietly as possible, she unlocked the door and stepped into the room.

Alexia leaned back against the door, looking at Jenni’s sleeping form. It had been months since they’d really been alone for this long together. Months since they’d last talked. Months since Jenni had slammed her apartment door and never looked back. Months of Alexia trying to get through and being met with silence.

She slowly made her way over to her bed, sitting on the edge, continuing to look at Jenni.

“I’m sorry, Jenni,” she whispered. “I’m sorry for everything. You didn’t deserve any of this. You should be in Barcelona with us. With me. I didn’t know Joná pushed you out. I swear to you, I didn't know until after you were gone. I’m sorry I accused you of running. You didn't deserve that. But more, I’m sorry I broke up with you. I regret it every day. I needed space but I didn't mean for us to be over forever. Even if we don’t play for the same team, you and I were always a team and I shouldn’t have broken that. I’m so sorry for breaking us. I'm sorry for shutting you out. I still love you so much. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully move on from you. I’m sorry for how much I’ve hurt you. I'm sorry for how much of a mess I created.” 

She stood up, moving to look down at Jenni. She pulled the covers up, covering Jenni’s arms, how she knew Jenni preferred to sleep. Hesitating only a second, she leaned down and pressed a feather light kiss to Jenni’s cheek.

“I love you,” she said, her voice breaking on those words. She stepped away, quietly going into the bathroom and shutting the door.

Jenni rolled over, pushing the blanket off her. She stared at the wall, not letting Alexia's words sink in. But they played on repeat in her mind, pushing sleep further and further away. After Alexia settled into her bed and turned the light out, Jenni got up, changed into her running clothes, and left.

"Running" from Barcelona had helped her think before. Maybe running from Alexia would help her think now.

They weren't technically allowed away from the hotel after a certain hour without permission but Jenni did not care in that moment. She needed to put as much space between herself and her room as quickly as possible. No matter how fast she ran, no matter how far she ran, Alexia's words repeated over and over in her head.

I didn't know.

You didn't deserve that.

I'm sorry I accused you of running.

I regret it.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

Over and over and over and over.

And over and over and over and over.

She didn't stop when the tears completely filled her vision. She didn't stop when her lungs were begging for a break. She didn't stop when her legs started feeling numb.

She only stopped when she couldn't hear Alexia's voice in her head anymore.

She hugged herself on the long walk back to the hotel, letting the tears continue to fall, something she hadn't allowed herself to do in months. She was angry about Alexia's words, certainly. But she also felt an overwhelming sadness about them.

Drying her face with the bottom of her shirt, she quietly opened the door, not wanting to wake Alexia up. But she found every light in the room on and Alexia sitting upright in her bed. Alexia's eyes moved over Jenni when she stopped.

"Nice run?" she asked, sarcastically. She ignored Jenni's eyes that were red and puffy.

"It was fine." Jenni walked over to her side of the room and took her shoes off. She bent over to pick up her pajamas.

"Wow, she speaks." Alexia had had hours to let her rage boil over Jenni pretending to be asleep while she poured her heart out and then bolting from the room.

Deciding not to engage further with a clearly pissed off Alexia, Jenni locked herself in the bathroom to shower. She took her time getting ready, hoping Alexia would be sleeping by the time she came out. She should have known better. Alexia had waited this long already. She wasn't sure why she kept thinking Alexia would give up so easily. Alexia never backed down.

Jenni tossed her running gear into a pile on the floor, got into bed, and turned the light off on her side of the room.

"Seriously?" Alexia asked, flicking the light back on. She stood up between the two beds, her hands on her hips. "I finally get a chance to apologize to you for saying you ran and the first thing you do is go for a run? After months of trying. I tried everything. I tried calling. You changed your number. I tried your family. I tried Lola and Carmen. None of them would help me. I tried to contact you on social media. No response. I called your manager. Nothing. I tried last week when we finally saw each other. You brushed me off. What else was I supposed to do?"

“Look I’m tired, Alexia. I want to go to sleep. We can talk in the morning.”

“Of course you’re tired! How could you not be? You were gone for four hours!” She did not care that she was shouting at this point.

Jenni hadn’t realized she’d been gone so long. But it’s not like she had known Alexia was waiting up for her. When she didn't immediately respond, Alexia spoke again.

“You’re seriously this pissed off because I said you were running?"

Jenni pushed the covers off and sat up, facing Alexia. “No, I’m pissed because you didn’t even bother to think for one second that this wasn't my choice. Always, always, to you, I'm just immature Jenni who can't handle anything."

"I never said that!"

"No you never said it! You just made me feel that way every chance you got."

"I'm sorry," Alexia said, clearly taken aback. "I didn't know I did that." Without thinking, she reached out to wipe the angry tear that was rolling down Jenni's cheek.

"How could you? Everything in the last few months of our relationship was about you! You turned into someone that I didn't even recognize, Alexia."

"That's why you've been different." It made so much sense now. Jenni had made herself more serious because she thought that's what Alexia had disliked about her. Although Alexia muttered it to herself, Jenni heard her and it only angered her further.

"I've been different? Don't even get me started on you."

"No, I didn't mean that to be, I mean, watching you this week just made me sad. You were a completely different person. I felt like part of you was missing."

"Well that's what happens when you're crushed by everything and everyone that's important in your life."

"Right. Um," she sat down on the edge of her bed, tucking her hands under her thighs, "I really am sorry for how I treated you before your move."

"It's fine. I've moved on."

"Clearly," Alexia muttered.

"Jesus Christ! What do you want from me?"

"Just be fucking honest."

"You want honesty? Alexia, you disappeared into this fantasy world of being a superstar. And when I didn't want that life, you just threw me away, like we hadn't built an entire life together."

"Wait a second. You know that's not true. I told you that I regretted breaking up with you. I told you I never wanted it to be forever. But you're right. I did get caught up in all the bullshit. That's why I broke up with you. I needed time to get my head in order. I didn't break up with you because you didn't want that life, I broke up with you to keep you from having to live with all that shit."

"That wasn't your decision to make."

"I know!" She rubbed a hand over her face. "I know," she said more gently. "So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know, Alexia. I can't just turn off how I've been feeling for nearly a year."

"And I wouldn't expect you to. But you're really important to me and I want to try to see if we can at least get to a point where you don't completely hate me. Can we try to be friends?"

"I don't think we've ever been just friends before."

"So maybe this would be a good chance for us to get to know each other again. We've both clearly had a lot happen in the last year. You're different. I'm different. I want to know this version of you, Jenni." Alexia could hear the plea in her own voice and hated that she was so desperate to take advantage of this conversation. But she didn't know when they might ever get this chance again.

"I want to say yes but I -"

"Wait, I don't mean we have to go back to being best friends. I don't mean we have to go back to the way we were. I just mean, do you think we could try to not throw away the gifts we get each other? And maybe eat a meal or two together."

Jenni thought for a moment. She wanted to be close to Alexia again. She desperately wanted it. But she was still so worried about getting hurt again. About Alexia changing back into that person that she didn't recognize, that she didn't particularly like.

Finally Jenni asked quietly, "Did you get your head in order?"

"Yeah. I did."

Jenni looked up at Alexia, studying her face. There was a sincerity in her words, in her eyes that Jenni hadn't seen in a very long time. When Alexia had started winning big awards, she'd changed into a fake version of herself, a version obsessed with fame and image. But that didn't seem to be the woman sitting in front of her right now. Jenni wanted to believe her. "Okay. We can try," she finally said.

"That's all I'm asking," Alexia assured her.

Alexia waited for Jenni to say something else. But she didn't. She got back into bed, pulled the covers up, and turned the light out. She thought she heard a small "good night" but she wasn't sure if Jenni said it or if she heard it in her head. Deciding to take this as a win, she turned off the rest of the lights and got into bed as well.

The next morning, Alexia awoke to an empty room. For a minute, she wondered if she'd dreamed the conversation the night before. But then she saw Jenni's running gear in a pile on the floor and was assured that at least that part had been true.

There was no training today. Everyone would be heading home after breakfast. She decided to go ahead and shower while she had the room to herself. As she let the water hit her, she hoped that they would be able to find their way back to each other. She could see just how much she had hurt Jenni. She deeply regretted letting herself get caught up in all the fanfare and drive away the best person she'd ever known.

When she was dressed, she checked her phone. She still had half an hour before breakfast started. She picked up her suitcase and put it on the edge of her bed. Despite spending so much of her life living out of a suitcase, she was still a terrible packer. Her sister had tried to get her to use packing cubes; Jenni had tried to show her how to roll her clothes properly; her mom had tried to show her how to fill the empty gaps. But Alexia simply didn't have the patience for any of that. She picked up all the dirty clothes from the pile she'd made on the floor and shoved them into a plastic bag at the bottom of her suitcase.

When Jenni walked back in, Alexia's suitcase was overflowing and she was struggling to zip it up. Shaking her head, she put down the things in her hands and went to help Alexia with the zipper. Between the two of them, they were able to close the bag.

"Thanks," Alexia said.

"No problem." Jenni picked up the white bag and coffee cup she'd brought in and held them out to Alexia. "I brought you something."

Alexia took the bag, knowing what it would be before she even opened it. It was the same baked good she'd bought Jenni on their first morning at camp. The gift that Jenni had thrown away. "Thank you," she said, genuinely at a loss for words. It was the smallest gesture that meant the world to her. She reached out for the coffee.

"I thought you might get hungry on the ride back to Barcelona." Jenni turned away, unable to continue looking at Alexia. Her eyes had filled with tears when she'd taken the gift. Jenni could feel the wall she'd put up take its first real hit under that gaze. And her feelings were too overwhelming to deal with right this moment when they were both about to return to their homes separately.

"I haven't been able to make myself go to this bakery since you moved to Madrid," Alexia quietly admitted. She put the small bag down next to her suitcase and fiddled with the lid of the coffee. "This week was the first time I'd been back."

"She told me," Jenni said, glancing at Alexia. "I hadn't been in a while either," she admitted.

Alexia gave her a small smile. "Should we go down to breakfast?" Jenni nodded, offering her own small smile.

At breakfast, Jenni sat at Alexia's table, although not next to her. She caught Lola eyeing them, trying to hide the smirk. Jenni kicked her under the table, shaking her head subtly. Of course she would tell Lola everything once they got home. But she didn't want to have that conversation right now at a table full of their teammates. She still had fears. She still had questions. She was trying to move past her hurt so they could move forward. But none of those things were resolved overnight.

When it was time to leave, Alexia walked with Jenni down to the parking lot. Alexia was taking the shuttle back to the airport. Jenni had her car to head home. They stopped near the shuttle. While the driver loaded Alexia's bags into the trunk, she took the moment to say bye to Jenni.

"I'm glad they forced us to room together," Alexia said.

Jenni nodded. "Me too." She played with the strap of her bag. "We're having a party after our next game against you guys. If you're staying the night in Madrid, you should come. I can text Leila the details."

The game was only a few weeks away. Alexia didn't have their travel schedule yet but she would figure out a way to stay the night in Madrid. She wasn't going to miss this opportunity to spend time together. "Go ahead and text her. I'll work on the travel details."

"Okay. See you in a few week, then?"

"See you in a few weeks." Alexia waved the small white bag in her hand. "Thanks again for this." With a final smile, Alexia got into the shuttle and Jenni turned towards her car. Alexia texted Leila from the shuttle letting her know to expect Jenni's message. And Jenni texted Leila as soon as she put her suitcase in the car. Both felt excited for what was to come, hopeful that they would be able to find some kind of normalcy between them again, and eager for that normalcy to come soon.