my-life-literally

[my-life-literally]

Jeffrey Vaughn (American, b. 1953)

New Snow, 2024

Oil on canvas

[my-life-literally]

So....genocide. Free Palestine.

[my-life-literally]

Hey S.

It just dawned on me. As I watched Gilmore Girls for the ten thousandth time. A show you would have surely and relentlessly mocked. That this is a stage of my life you have not and will never see:

The part where I am caught up. The part where I have everything I've wanted (mostly). Everything I've worked toward. The part where I am all moved out, and cooking, and everything. The missing parts.

This is also the part where my family is not the same as you'd remember. Where key people in my life, who were so important to me then, are no longer in this part with me either.

It's like a stage manager gave you all your exit notes. And one by one you all exited stage left. You first. Then my sister and C.

I hope you're getting what you want in life.

I am just remembering things these days. I have things to remember.

And I was thinking how you don't know me now. And how happy I am about that. And how grief stricken I am about my sister, who I never knew. And C - who I knew all too well. In a good way.

You once told me that I knew you better than anyone. I don't think that's true anymore. But I think that like all relationships when you're young, you know some formative things about a person. Things they may never tell another.

So much has happened. So much unwitnessed.

I used to have key witnesses. But now I realize, that...I don't know. That I was going to be alone.

Looking back, I don't know what happened to me. But I know it must have been terrible because of the way I am now, and the ways I couldn't be then.

[my-life-literally]

For R.

Dear R,

Happy Birthday. I love you.

I know I have not always been a safe person in your life. I know that I have not contributed the highest good. Regardless of the factors contributing to my impact on your lived experience, I can see that my behaviour has caused you tremendous pain and have led to the current tensions in our relationship.

What I wish I could tell you, but likely never will, is that sometimes I feel like you think that in our relationship, hurt only goes one way.

I wish for you, that you let go of some of the pain. All of it if you can, but who am I to make demands on you that I can hardly meet myself.

I wish this for you, not so that we can have the relationship I wish we did, or so that it makes things easier for this family, or so that I feel better. I hope for less pain in our heart if only for one more lightened heart in this world. For you. For your lighter steps.

I had a vision of us, I would hold your hands and just say let go, let go, let go. To myself as much as to you.

On this day, R, I wish you a very happy birthday. I wish I could be more a part of it. Not for the show, but because I think it would be cool to celebrate you with you. Celebrate a good, funny, witty, insightful person, who happens to actually be my sister.

I am so happy for you, and so proud of you. Tonight I am making my heart lighter in the hopes that this somehow gets to you. The lightness I mean. I wish you a feather-light heart.

I forgive you everything.

I might be sad tomorrow. But tonight. I forgive you everything. And I hope you are happy and light.

Love,

Sidda.

[my-life-literally]

I went to my niece's first birthday yesterday. She is perfection.

I don't want to participate in anything like that again. Or at least for a while.

My grandma called me. To see if I went. Not to see how I am.

I feel like I am living my whole girlhood alone. And that's better than a corrupt womanhood I suppose.

I have seen my mother and grandmothers maternal expressions. They a filled with poison. That's why I spit them up.

But now, it's on me not to go back.

I think I have enough information now. They're all in therapy, my mother my father my sister. Together and as couple.

But therapy wasn't called for when I told my secret. I went to therapy on my own. To be a better sister. A better daughter. To not die so I wouldn't make them sad. And yes for myself. Now I see that's the only person you can get help for. Is yourself. And that's alright.

When i was in the hospital. My mother reminded me that she missed work. That she slept in a cot and saw dust bunnies under my hospital bed. She would yell that to me. I was 5.

After I was depressed, I apologized and checked-in with my brother and sister. My sister told me she did in fact think it was selfish of me. Selfish to shut down. I told her it really wasn't my choice and I didn't want to shut down. She said, that's how she felt anyway.

Two very vulnerable times. The most vulnerable times of my life. And they both fucked me up.

But now, it's on me. To not go back.

I am not going back. I am done.

Something in me yesterday dropped. I think it's seeing a family interact, and seeing my mother fake it. And thinking of all the abuse. And all that we didn't even get a chance to have stolen away. But we were robbed. Robbed of being well adjusted.

The truth is. My mother is a coward.

And I am not. Many people are not.

I don't want to see them for a long time.

[my-life-literally]

All my blessings go with you.

[my-life-literally]

Tomorrow I am going to my niece's birthday dinner.

I don't know if I should.

I had a dream my sister tried to kill me with a golden gun.

Just now I got the feeling she would try and throw acid in my face.

If something happens.

She did it.

[my-life-literally]

finally

Finally, after all these years I finally understood something. finally.

In LOTR, when Aragorn shows love, affection and loss over Boromir's passing. Even though Boromir slackened in his will and was tempted by the ring. Aragorn weighed in the balance all of Boromir's good. His good deeds, his bravery, and his coming back to himself at the end, outweighed a momentary lapse.

What Aragorn showed was Grace.

Something I have found it so hard in my heart to show someone who I feel slackened in their will. But tonight I understood for some reason. All her good outweighs all, what I perceive as "faults," and sometimes even as weakness of character or will.

But the truth is my dears, there are forces on this Earth that are stronger than we realize. And it brings sorrow and bitterness to our hearts when we see the ones we love changed or altered because of them. If we are not careful that sorrow and bitterness will steal our Grace away.

To my mind, Grace is more than "forgiveness," which I don't really believe in anyway. Grace is understanding. Whole understanding. Understanding of the context, understanding of the heart, understanding of what is true.

Dispensing grace doesn't mean you get to keep them, these people that you love. Because they have their own paths and consequences to bear. But it does mean that they will not be burdened by your judgement, and you will not not be burdened by judging.

Grace is true acknowledgement. A nod of understanding. Holding a gaze of comprehension. And then. Application.

Grace. I could be talking about my best friend. I could be talking about my sister.

I sat with this reflection tonight. I could only think of this grace because I knew their hearts first. And my knowledge of their hearts reminded me of who they are, and who they once were in my life. At a certain time. A certain place. And I have to understand for myself that, that time and place is gone with time. Time is something you can share, and then something that comes between.

Even though their lives have changed, and my life has changed, my heart's eye remained fixed on the time we shared. I think tonight was a first step in an unfolding realization that, that time is over. final. I saw with my heart how far away that time together is.

The love has changed. It may always remain as love. But it may not manifest as talking every day, driving in cars, being a "come with." And bless the people that do have that. I was blessed when I had that. And it will forever be in my heart. finally.

[my-life-literally]

I have a facilitation tomorrow. I feel nervous.

An unapologetically obtuse person is on the internal project team with me.

I really try to keep my cool, but my skin craws at the thought of any interraction.

It's only 2.5 hours and then it's over. Quick. Done. Good bye.

I can't wait for it to be over.

So just breathe. One thing at a time. One step at a time. Let it flow and you'll be alright.

Wake up early. Have some water. Workout after.

Sometimes I wish I had an everyday person to run this stuff by. This is a period of lonely accomplishment.

I have to find a way forward.

Just get through the week. That's all I have to do.

[my-life-literally]

I'm home.

It's been a while. I am probably too old for this now. But I've sort of grown up with this.

I have a place of my own. It was meant for me. And I love it. I can't believe it. I wake up every day so thankful, relieved, and peaceful.

My life is the most peaceful it's ever been. I am full of grief. But peace. And we all know that grief is love. So I am full of love.

I continue to take care of myself. I continue to be alone. But it's not a wretched alone. Because I am not a wretched person. It's more of an unmotivated alone. Fatigued alone. Hesitant alone. Cautious alone.

Wiser alone. An informed alone.

I want to get a dog. I think that it will be good for me and I hope and pray I can be good for them.

A part of me doesn't trust things to choose me.

I am re-reading Lord of the Rings, and it's amazing what a more settled psyche can pick up on, remember, feel.

I pushed and then came back. I actually accomplished one of my biggest goals. A dream really. And my place truly holds me. Home. My home.

I am so happy to have access to this platform again. I am so happy to have my own personal computer again.

My own world. My world is great. It's safe. It's comfortable. Stable. Well stocked. HDMI'd. All necessities met. Stable. Free. Un-hurt. Tethered. Home-making. Life-craft.

[my-life-literally]

I had a dream last night.

We were staying in PG in a hotel that started with the letter "C." The streets were really hilly. It was twilight, and we went to get burgers. On the way, I was going back and forth on whether the car doors were locked. It was a small white car. I settled on going back to check, and somewhere along the line you went ahead or we were separated.

I had the notion that I would get the burgers and then meet you at the car. At the burger place, the lady handed me the burgers, unwrapped, and I was like what am I supposed to do with this. So I chucked them in the garbage on the way out, and thought "good service doesn't exist, like what the fuck?"

I was walking down the hill, and I passed this parade of police officers who had arrested someone. It was a man. I backed up against the wall, I hoped they thought I was pretty and left me alone. I also thought, how dare I think that when I have abused the person closest to me... (these are my fused thoughts in waking life).

I could see a bit passed them and I noticed the car wasn't there. You weren't there either! I was panicked! I began finding people and asking them if they had seen you. I saw CZ, at a kiosk in a mall and he crouched down and told me no. He was dismayed to see me, after all the drama from McD's, but when I asked him if he had seen you, he crouched down. I was trying to remember where our hotel was, and I was thinking maybe you went back there. I was trying to look at my phone to see where it was, but I couldn't make out anything on my phone.

I woke up and remembered that you are safe, and married and have a baby. You are ok. You are not missing. You're just out of my life. But you are ok. And I felt so relieved. You are ok, and you are having a full life. Not missing. A full life.

[my-life-literally]

Monomisite

[my-life-literally]

[my-life-literally]

The most ironic part of this whole "parental rights" campaign is that, in Canada, there is no such thing as "parental rights". Canada is a signator of the UN's Convention on the Rights of the Child, which explicitly lays out how parents do not, in fact, have a right to their children. Children have the right to things like safety and support, but parents DO NOT have a right to their children, only an "entitlement" to their children which will be taken away if they are shown to not deserve it. The only reason "parental rights" is even a thing is that only 99% of all UN countries signed the UNCRC and the 1 country that didn't was the US.

~~~~

[my-life-literally]

I did something right

So there a lot of things in my life that I am not sure I did right. Pretty much everything. From my relationship with my siblings. My parents. My Grandmother. My major. The way I conduct myself at work. The way I cook food. The frequency I do laundry. I know for some of these things I have a way of doing them but I never know if they're right.

I also feel like I can never be certain if what my mother has told me is right because I don't think she has a sound mind.

I don't think the things society has told me are right because of the various isms, and -atriarchies that are in play.

Four days ago, however, I was given a cedar branch, and a bundle of tobacco from an Elder. He told us that in four days to take the branch and the tobacco to the water and place it there.

Yesterday, I got my period and today I was deathly tired. Fatigued. In pain. But I had a feeling in my spirit, in my heart that I would take this bough and tobacco to C. River.

C River was the first place that came to mind. It was a place where I went with C, when she was doing "better." One of her "before's."

I plugged it into my phone and drove. But I couldn't easily find it. It was obscure. I was coming up with a plan B in my head. Well I can take it here, I can take it there. I kept driving and finally found an "in."

There it was C River. The Water.

So I laid down the cedar and tobacco in the Water. And I fulfilled that initial feeling in my sprit. And I had a thought, that I just found out what it felt like to do something "right." The right thing. The right way. The way I envisioned.

I did something right today. I just want to remember that. I did something right.

[my-life-literally]

Sleep

I dream about you in places you've never been.

Last night I had the first good night's sleep I have had in years. No phone. No reading even. No youtube while I fell asleep Just silence and sleep.

And a dream came to me of him. I was going to watch a youtube about narcissism but I thought, "I just want the good parts today." I know now that the good parts of him, are projections of the good parts in me. But there they were. Feet up during Christmas. Red plaid in the snow. Driving a truck. Profile smiling. I dreamed that a whole bunch of texts were passed through and I kept looking at them in disbelief that I sent them anything. But it showed I did. I sent them first. When I was getting closer to waking, I thought, "It's ok. You can just not ever, ever respond." And I felt relief. I get to see them sometimes. My invented man. Like a confession, I thought, "he is as handsome as ever."

The good parts:

I like the cold

I no longer hate the winter. I love the winter. Because it doesn't belong to them. The Winter is Indigenous. When I had that realization, I loved the Winter.

I save on energy.