#why tf I have to suffer like this
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TW: blood, amputated arm
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*crying and laughing histerically*
#my worst mistake was thinking of them as my favorite bsd ship#why tf I have to suffer like this#if Fyodor doesn't come back in some fucking way I'm gonna lose it#bungo stray dogs fanart#digital art#bungou gay dogs#bsd fyodor#bsd nikolai#nikolai gogol#fyodor dostoevsky#fyolai#fyodor x nikolai
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I am about to explode.
#honkai star rail#hsr#dr ratio#aventurine#ratiorine#/Realized that you could shorten Aventurine's real name to Vasha and it grew on me.#/chewing the furniture well anyways.#/Also if anyone questioning why tf Ratio is without a shirt that's because I don't like his shirt.#/I'm still suffering with the refs for the designs I use for them.#/May god have mercy on me.
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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give me some days to recover... i'm feeling way too much heartbroken right now...
#boku no hero academia#bnha#my hero academia#mha#dabi#touya todoroki#bnha dabi#mha dabi#mine: screenshots#the way i ship dabi x happiness so fucking desperately right now#no other ship matters as much as this one does#he genuinely deserves so much better and like– why tf is endeavor THAT FUCKING LOSER the one crying?#does he really think he has any right to cry right now? when others have suffered BECAUSE OF HIS ACTIONS more than he has?#istg endeavor better stfu before i slap him so hard he'll to the other side of the globe#pissing me off so early in the morning tsk
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#kinda really very sick and twisted to be unable to let go#of someone... and have it affect u so bad#that u neglect all other relations and possible connections#not even on purpose just bc u feel so fkn dejected and empty and sad#and that this person made u feel things that u didnt even know u could feel#so it's like a new drug that hits u just right and does the exact thing u need#and then it is gone and u suffer the withdrawls#but then also... every other hit of every other drug just doesnt come close to feeling just right#so it just leaves u feeling more empty and lost. unable to find purchase#but it is so so sad and also bad and not at all what u want#u want to find other things!!! nurture other things!!!#for yourself. but also bc it feels so humiliating that the other person is not at all in the same space#theyre not suffering withdrawls from u. they switched u out. u arent needed. or wanted. or desired. anymore.#they arent obsessed or twisted up inside or crazy about u like u are for them.#theyre busy with someone else who arent u.#so why arent u out there trying to force every last ounce of that amazing... but nonetheless the drug out of your system#u cant give up on everything else to stay in a space of mourning smth u wanted so bad but didnt get#well whatever idek what tf im saying what was i gonna say...
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decided to draw a ref for how i view my yaya since i have bunches of headcanons for him
i'll put it in the headcanon masterpost but i'll give him an individual post too
pls DO NOT rb bc i dont want it getting out further than my circle aslkdjaslfj thank yewww <3
#(ooc. ✧)#(my art. ✧)#if you SOMEHOW recognize my style/handwriting no you dont#it's why i used this blog's handle as a signature instead of my normal one so shh.#also he does wear his jacket/coat and fur collar but i didnt draw it this time so i can show off his physique more#also fuck fur... i dont want to make myself suffer thru that right now!!!#like cmon. he's a knight. he has beef!!!#and he wears corsets!! of course his waist is snatched tf up!!!#also he's darker than canon yaya bc he deserves to have more melanin#i tried to make sure i stayed true to the “painted-on pants” look for him too#and give him a GOOD CHEST!!! MUSCULAR AND SQUISHY!!!#he also has abs beneath his clothes but yknow#aint nobody know how strong he actually is#also i love the thought of him wearing higher heels... may not be practical#but whenever i watch the video of the lady sprinting in stilettos im like “kaeya would know how to do that”#anyway excuse my brainrot i just love him very much#oh my god i forgot to lighten his palms. FUCK!!!#ok fixed... added his burn scars and other scars and the lightness to his palms#also shoutout to my boyfie and bestie for going rabid over how i drew him#theyre the real ones who support me and my "muscular yet curvy men” agenda
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fucking vindication man
my sister was just minding her business in the basement eating breakfast and my stepdad came down and asked "why do you have the light on" and she was like "so i can see?" and the thing about my stepdad is that he's incapable of softening his tone (and will pretend he doesnt understand that his tone is aggressive even though he can understand when YOUR tone is aggressive/rude) so even an innocuous question like that sounds like an attack, so my sister's response was also super subdued and irritated. this isn't the first time an exchange like that has happened but it was the first time that he kinda hesitated and was like "wait what did i just say that upset you?" and she started to speak like she was going to explain, then thought better of it and just said "it's nothing"
LIKE YEAH DUDE. WHEN YOU CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY CONSTANTLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES TO YOU AND AT THE SAME TIME THEY CAN'T BE COMFORTABLE BRINGING UP THINGS YOUVE DONE OR SAID TO UPSET THEM WITHOUT YOU JUST ARGUING WITH THEM TO JUSTIFY HOW THEYRE WRONG FOR BEING UPSET AND YOUVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG, THEN PEOPLE ARENT GONNA FUCKIN TALK TO YOU. ITS SO SIMPLE.
#i think he was trying to ask whats wrong bc my mom is pissed at him and my sister doesnt like to talk to him so much lately#and obviously he and i have zero conversations#so the house rn for him is just 'ENEMIES EVERYWHERE' fhskdhdj#see what he doesnt understand about my sister#shes young so it still seems like she'll bounce back whenever you hurt her#and since hes allergic to apologizing he just assumes he can say whatever tf he wants to her and their core relationship won't suffer#especially bc in his mind he's doing everything jn the name of her success or whatever#but she already treats him differently than she does everyone else#hes always punishing her for 'getting an attitude' with him but she literally doesnt give attitude to anyone else#he thinks he can helicopter her AND try to force her to suppress her emotions and she'll just be like 'well im grateful bc i wouldnt be#successful without him let me continue sharing my life with him like nothing is wrong'#he doesnt get how deep a child's resentment of their parent can run#and hes so fucking proud he doesn't take any parenting advice from my mom bc he hates me#even though she does have experience raising a child#he thinks hes a better parent than her and wont even try to learn from her mistakes#bc im not a millionaire at 31#tirah talks#but what he doesn't get is that he either needs to learn to say sorry#or come to terms w the fact that when she grows up she's gonna fuck off permanently#their generations kept ties w their parents no matter what shit they pulled#but our generations don't do that shit#my mom knows how to apologize and she knows how to learn from her mistakes and that's why she's the ONLY parent in my life#he needs to get his shit together or my sister will be the same as me
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hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well
(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)
#i'm so angry#thinking of how many adults complained about me and my behaviour growing up but couldn't help me at all#how long have i suffered for no reason#because i wasn't a completely nonverbal boy who liked trains or some shit#...actually i did really like trains but it didn't matter apparently#but learning about all the signs and symptoms in girls/women has felt like getting punched in the gut over and over#and all the absolute worst of my childhood and teenage years has rushed back to me with new context#and i'm so fucking angry and sad and upset#and now my mom is angry af too because she took me to a psychologist in complete desperation when i was like five#because i couldn't control my emotions for shit once i was home from school#i would just flip tf out and throw stuff around my room and be incapable of saying anything until i had completely calmed down#and this was happening on a regular basis and she didn't know what tf to do#and while at school i couldn't make eye contact or advocate for myself and again i just shut down completely if i was too stressed or upset#and several other things#and the psychologist was basically like lol idk what's wrong with her but you probably just need to be a better mother :)#just slightly more professionally#NO ONE ever mentioned the possibility of autism to her#and i feel like some of these things have...worsened when i'm at work but i couldn't figure out why i was having so much difficulty#and why i felt so drained after even a short shift#but then reading about masking hit me like a fucking freight train#and apparently my brother’s girlfriend-who was officially diagnosed a few years ago-suspected it when she first met me??#but idk what to do now bc i have an doctor's appointment next week#and i feel like i should bring it up because i hate just self-diagnosing#but even if i somehow managed to pay for an assessment (lmao) i don't feel like my doctor's going to take it seriously#considering he's been our family doctor since my birth#and apparently couldn't be bothered to take my mom's concerns that seriously back then either#jfc I’m rambling again don’t look at me
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don't you hate when you literally write a whole novel worth of rants and rambles and honesty you can't even remember all the points you made by the end because it was just so long and everytime you hit a certain point you would go on a tangent and it have to bring it back and then you put the tags on it and press post and it tells you to try again and lose all the writing with no way of getting it back because you didn't save it anywhere, hell you weren't even going to write a post but it came to you while scrolling through Tumblr and you were like hell why not? You didn't even put it through a spell checker completely unfiltered thoughts and it shows and now it will never be seen again, do you even bother to rewrite it? It just won't be the same.
#im mad#im sad#im smad#the pains of an author#this is why the only writing i will do will be short tangents and the essays my college professors shove down my throat.#it was about svsss#a canon complaint that as a true anti fan sy claims to be he shoukd be much more competnet when changing the world#because surely he relaized that having a litteral transmigrator who is changing the plot just by breathing in the world#especially with the influence he has on the cultivation world as the Qing Jing Peak World would have consquences right? right?#not even including the OTHER transmigrator who was litterally born in the world as a baby that is more like a failed reinacarnation#in my opinon who has been there for 30 whatever years#how tf was the world not differnet at all by the time sy got there AIRPLANE! you were litterally the auhtor#YOU HAD ALL THE FACCCTS unlike Shen Yuan#so many typos in these tags but will i fix them? No. Suffer.#svsss#scum villan self sacrificing system#scum villian self saving system#scum villain#scumbag system
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sometimes I feel like I yearn for a romantic love for the same reason that diane nguyen in bojack horseman was obsessed with writing a memoir…to make the suffering worthwhile lol
#like I feel like if I had some amazing man commit to me it would make my past worth it lmfao#that somehow it’ll fix the fact that my r*pist was my first kiss and then I got w a controlling r*pist bastard…#& then my only semblance of a functional relationship was w a man who stopped trusting me and threw me to the wolves over nothing#anyways yea I think that’s why I’m always hoping I meet my ‘person’ or whatever tf lol like pls focus on ur career girl dw ab this#like pls just enjoy ur single girlboss era u r loved even if u don’t have a man and the lack of a man doesn’t mean u deserved ur suffering#rape tw#anyways back to regular scheduled programming
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me @ me: hoe don't kill this fish tryna be Mother Ocean
#wak#cher the fish mom#negative /#animal death ment /#tag vent /#I'm p sure part if not most of why the brine shrimp/Sea Monkey experiment failed#(aside from the fact that generic brine shrimp mortality rate is already high bc they're meant to be fish food but. Barely Relevant)#is bc all the time I'd think#'ok but. what if there isn't Enough food and they die'#'what if this isn't Enough conditioner and they die#'what if I haven't cleaned this Enough and they die'#and I meant well. I really really did and I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing#and as I've stated before I spent well over $200 trying to keep them alive#but. I end up letting my weird feelings get in the way and doing way too much and ruining Everything as a result#(not to mention the sheer lack of Brine Shrimp As Pets information out there Did Not help. Again Not An Excuse Just An Explanation)#(I Have No Excuse)#which is most Definitely not an issue exclusive to brine shrimp#but. it's one of them#like... I'm the person who after 20 salt shakes still thinks 'What If This Isn't ENOUGH Salt' and ends up making food completely inedible#plus I was thinking 'I'll Raise Them As Friends And Not Food!!' or w/e dumb fakecute shit I was thinking#but I had No Idea what I was doing and clearly wasn't qualified#and so rather than providing essential nutrients for people's pets they just ended up having to be put down drains and wasted#I'm going off on a tangent but.. the point is#me @ me: Play By The Fucking Book This Time. You Don't Know More Than Actual Fish Specialists So Don't Act Like You Do#If Experts Say Only Feed 4 Pellets A Day#Feed Only 4 MF Pellets A Day#Don't Make That Poor Animal Suffer Because You're Paranoid About Literally Everything Instead Of Being A Normal Well-Adjusted Person#And Because You Insist On Playing The Hero You Absolutely Aren't#The Brine Shrimp Didn't Deserve That And Neither Does Your Fish#So: Get Tf Over Yourself!! Do Tf Better!! And BE Tf Better!!
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my anxiety has been so fucking bad lately i rly don't know what to do anymore im having like multi-day breakdowns and i am constantly shaking and struggling to make myself eat consistently but like i still have to go to work and pretend everything is normal bc i can't afford not just push through but idk how long i can keep this up
#pidge whines#im gonna try to see about like#getting a therapist#friend recommended me a place that might be able to do like sliding scale affordability stuff#my work is legit suffering bc of this but i have to just Pretend To Be Fine bc like#its work#im afraid im gonna get in trouble for slacking so the past couple days i kind of threw everything i had into just work work work#cranked out like 10 blends the other day and also chattered at customers like an insane person#it legit kinda freaks me out how i get when im melting down#its very out of body experience but also screaming crying throwing up behind the veneer of normalcy#idk if im explaining it well#i alternate between like being borderline catatonic and then also aggressive cheerfulness and hypomanic work/cleaning#and then i go home maybe eat a cookie take an ambien and zonk tf out#im also spending too much fn money ubering to work bc its too hot for me to walk on top of just#sleeping like shit/struggling to drag myself out of bed#i feel like im gonna hit a breaking point soon but like#i cant afford to break#sorry i needed to rant#friends are screaming GET THERAPY and i rly want to bc man shit is getting bad#so yeah#if i seem kinda absent this is why
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#why is the world so heartbreaking 🤣🤣🤣#regardless of the#the radius you know#near and far#it holds true#personal world or encompassing u as an infinitesimal part of it#is it worth it?#can you make it worth it?#maybe the buddhists were right and the only way forward is to give up everything good and bad to leave this cycle of suffering forever#i’m just being a pedantic little bitch but damn#this shit be hurting#side note i wanna quit everything#just rawdog misery like the loser i really am#i’m just inviting more problems down the line with my shortsighted thinking#i’ve had it so easy#everything i could ever need handed to me on a silver plate or whatever tf the saying is#still a fuck-up too damn sensitive to do anything right#i can’t do anything#what am i doing man like what am i supposed to be doing#i should get dinner this thought spiral is going nowhere#at least i still have music#stupid boy#my feelings feel disproportionate for the occasion but they feel inevitable at the same time#what’s the word that means predestined but without the religious connotation#so much love inside me but not enough to make me a good person#i wish i felt like screaming or crying idk but that’s never been my style#im just here normal as always but like my heart bro it’s like#grown spikes inside my body and doing some nuclear fission shit#i need to get hit by a car and not die or something maybe my organs need to see the outside for a bit then i’ll be normal
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haha hey gang? why are all my old depression habits returning? guys? whats up? why am i getting extremely anxious again? 😎👍
#bat rambles#haha#fuck#dude not to mention how mch pain ive been in recently#like not only my old shitty binder#but like now BOTH of my knees#and not to sounds and be real depressed and sad about it but like#im only 15 goin on 16 so why tf do i have to suffer like my bodys fuckin 80??😁
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i hate it when i have a wip and have the sudden urge to put some angst in it. not, it's not true, the sudden urge is okay, but when i DECIDE that the story needs the angst as a main/side-storyline and it have to develop over time, i just
I am 70% in a story and guess what
the angst bites back
now i just want them to be happy
#me and my problems#fanfic#my own work#writing#theoretically i could change the plot to make them happy but then that tf was the point of the previous 16 chapters#why did i thought it would be a good idea to write a whole ass book#someone take away my permission to do whatever i want#why do i feel like this is a developing writer's block i'll have to suffer through this summer#send help
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Thinking about reader finally stumbling onto one of the dogs shifted into their human form. Maybe Soap raiding the cabinets in the kitchen for a late night snack? Reader obviously freaks tf out about a whole ass man in their house... but the rest of the force are still in their dog forms. Reader's confused why their once very protective dogs are completely okay with this strange man in their house, and why this man is claiming to be one of her dogs.
(Note that these answers are non-linear! I’ll be having fun with a few more asks/requests as if this hasn’t happened yet 😉)
All you wanted was some water to ease the dryness in your throat, but as soon as they noticed you picking up your phone from the bedside table, the dogs kept tugging at your clothes to hold you back—something they never did. You swatted them away without thinking much of it, though, too sleep-adled to think that maybe, just maybe, they were doing it for good reason.
And then you saw the man in your kitchen.
“Why are you naked.”
It wasn’t much of a question. More of a statement—or an exaggeration, really—because he wasn’t naked. He was just wearing sweatpants that hung low on his hips, exposing a deep V-line and a happy trail that would’ve had you drooling if not for the sheer strangeness of the circumstances. At first, you weren’t even sure if you should be afraid—because it was comedic, the way he locked eyes with you, halfway through chomping down on a spoonful of cereal from not even a bowl, but a mug.
He swallows hard, and that’s when you grab a knife—earning several barks from your dogs. At you. Not him.
“He’s literally the intruder here!” you argue back. “You bark at, like, every other guy? What about him?! He’s massive!”
“Aw, thank y—“
“That wasn’t a compliment!”
The man’s smile tightens as he slowly puts the mug and spoon down, and lifts his hands as if in surrender.
“Easy, lass,” he continues, eyes darting between your face and the knife. “I’m a friend.”
“The fuck you are—“
“Look. Look.” He gestures back and forth between himself and the dogs, who stand in place between you two. “You’re missin’ a pup, aren’t ya? Foxhound that gets into everything? Soap? Thah’s me!”
‘Me?’ What the hell was this guy thinking? But sure enough—just as he said—Soap was missing from the group. It was just Price, Ghost, and Gaz—all tense like you. If not more so. Gaz offers a whine in negotiation, stepping forward to get you to back up a little further, away from the stranger. There’s a beg—no—an intelligent plea in the Labrador’s eyes that nearly makes you falter, unsure of reason or rhyme.
Unsure of yourself.
“That’s— that’s not possible,” you laugh nervously, reaching for the phone in your pocket. “Dogs don’t turn into people, or vice versa. Now get out of my house or I’m calling the poli—“
— “Wouldn’t do that if I was you.”
And now there’s a third fucking person. Standing in your kitchen. Right where Price used to be. And now the shock runs cold, adrenaline gone in place of confusion. And a quick skip through the stages of grief into acceptance.
“Well,” is all that gets out of your mouth. “Shit.”
The world spins, and everything goes black. You’re out like a light. All you see is ‘human-Price’ moving forward, then darkness, and the sensation of two arms catching you before you hit the floor.
The boys hang around until morning light after that, sitting in the living room in dead silence. At least until Gaz gives a final suggestion.
“… You think we can pass it off as a dream?”
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Bonus Thoughts:
You do, in fact, wake up as if it were a dream. Because you’re back in bed per usual, and the house is in order, and the dogs are piled around you like nothing ever happened. You eye them all suspiciously, then slap yourself. Because what kind of weirdo imagines her pets as hot, tall, buff men? Pervert.
Meanwhile, the boys are just exchanging the quietest glances before you settle back in bed. Because for a good few seconds, they think they’ve been discovered.
Also Soap has suffered a collective *bap* from everyone because it’s what he deserves for threatening their free food supply.
#cod#call of duty#drabble#fanfic#x reader#reader insert#simon ghost riley#ghost#task force 141#tf 141 x reader#141 x reader#poly 141#kyle gaz garrick#simon riley#kyle gaz garrick x reader#gaz x reader#johnny soap mactavish#soap mactavish#soap x reader#soap#price x reader#captain john price#john price#captain price#cod x reader#task force 141 x reader#dog shifter au#Gaz#john mactavish
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