#maybe the buddhists were right and the only way forward is to give up everything good and bad to leave this cycle of suffering forever

[1roentgen]

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[quirklessidiot]

title : cigarettes and parfaits [2] pairing : older!nanami kento x younger!reader [13 year age gap, ft toji fushiguro] Genre: romance, fluff, josei, mild angst, comedy, strangers to lovers au

Summary: you’re pretty sure you’d remember marrying a man 13 years older than you, right?

Warnings: alcohol, smoking, mild smut, y/n making stupid decisions, everyones a human-au so yeh non-canon stuff and everyone’s happy (periODT) Notes: tbh idk how marriage works in japan, all i know is that once you have both your signatures in the marriage registration certificate with one witness then you guys r married skdjssks anyways onto the story- also might i add this is happy story?? i promise yall, all youll see is cute stuff in this story bcos fuck angst (ok maybe lil angst since you know plot development) but i stand by that nanami kento deserves that trip to malaysia under the sun with his lover! before i forget to add, the age dynamics is that y/n is around 25 and nanami is 38. no power play and all that, just two healthy consenting adults! sorry for the early delete had some minor corrections :( 

Izakaya-informal japanese bar

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*13 hours earlier; a night before at some random Izakaya in Tokyo*

You sat in front of your phone and three bottles of saki, despite your friends advising you countless of times to lay off drinking too much, all sense and warnings are thrown off the window tonight.

You’re clearly far from sobriety as you recall the video chat with your otosan not looking too good and bright, “Why don’t you move back home? It’s not like the teaching job at tokyo is all that great! You’re alone there and your obachan and I don’t like that a lot…” your father’s words haunt you again and again.

Just what was wrong with living alone? And excuse your otosan but you definitely had a very good job at Tokyo High (It was a prestigious academy that paid well, best job out there that you still didn’t know how you landed). You mumbled a few curses underneath your breath, Oh, how much you love that oaf of a father and worrywart of a grandmother but could they lay off the idea of settling down? You were a responsible and good child who never had stepped a toe out of line. Wasn’t that enough already? You immediately downed the drink and let the saki burn your throat down.

“Oh ho, slow down there.” You hear someone say, “You’re all alone and it seems like you have no one to help you back home.”

It seemed like the men on the opposite side of the bar had noticed you.

“I can take myself home, thank you very much.” You mumbled, loud enough for them to hear. Unlike older men who liked to prey on you for your innocent stature. The men who sat across you in the Izakaya didn’t really exude that sort of energy (what can you say, you had a knack of experiencing that, unfortunately).

“Are you sure? We can ask the owner to call a cab for you. She’s a woman and she’s a friend of ours.” the other one in robes pipes in, wait, was that a Buddhist monk?

“No, I’m good. It’s just…” You paused before letting out a long sigh, “A bad time so I need to stick around for a bit.”

The white-haired stranger tilts his head just a bit, “Seems like you and a friend of mine are both going through some rough patches.” he replied, pointing towards his blonde company who you didn’t notice until now.

You wordlessly shifted your gaze towards the office worker next to the Buddhist monk, you hadn’t noticed the blonde man until now. It seemed like he was going through a rough time too since the pair was loud and boisterous enough to conceal his silent presence.

You notice how out of place he looks with his crisp and clean suit, hard gaze, and silence. It made you wonder what sort of man hangs out with two contrasting personalities, “You’re wondering if he’s our friend or our boss, aren’t ya?” the white-haired man asks.

You immediately turn red in embarrassment, were you that easy to read? You try to stutter out an apology but the monk waves it off, “It’s alright, we get it all the time. Contrary to popular belief, Kento is two years younger than us and is our junior from high school.” He smiles.

“Ah,” you nodded mutely, “Sorry. It definitely wouldn’t make sense to see a boss and his subordinates at an Izakaya.”

“Oh, Kento-chan doesn’t usually go out drinking but he couldn’t resist. After all, he’s a father with two very emotional teenage boys.” The white-haired man teased in a sing-song voice. It seemed like the three were close, with the way they were carelessly lounging around the stoic and kind-of scary man.

“I’m starting to wonder if he gets that teasing attitude from you.” The blonde man, seemingly out of his trance, called out his friend. Contrasting to his aloof features, he didn’t mask the annoyance in his tone.

“Oh, uh, do you need help?” you quietly asked, tilting your head to the side in wonder. The blonde man’s head snapped to your direction and quirked a brow.

“And you are?” he seemed to be calculating and observing you from head to toe. It suddenly made you a bit self-conscious because this older gentleman had no business being this good looking and scary at the same time.

“Oh, I’m Y/N by the way. I’m actually a high school teacher.” You introduced yourself sheepishly, “I’m always surrounded by angsty teenagers.”

His gaze narrowed just a bit, it seemed like he’ll be giving you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was a bit desperate since he was getting advice from a drunk stranger in an Izakaya out of all places, “So what seems to be the problem, Ojisan?”

He’s still quite hesitant so it’s his white haired friend who speaks out for him, “You see, Kento-chan here just moved last week because of a promotion from Kyoto.” he grins, telling the story for his friend, “His kids aren’t very keen with the moving, well one of them is outright showing it and the other one is well keeping it in since he’s just the sweeter one.”

The white-haired stranger keeps babbling on about how his friend had regretted taking the work promotion because it feels like he shouldn’t have done that. You peerlessly observe the older man’s reaction while his friend talks about his problems to you. He remains stoic.

It didn’t look like it but it seemed like this man had such a soft spot for his kids.

How nice, his wife must be proud of him.

“... and before I forget to add, Kento-chan is very much single.”

You almost choke on your saliva, this friend of his sure knew how to run his mouth. It suddenly dawns upon you why this man had been very worried, he was a single parent who only wanted what was best for his boys but he didn’t even know how he should proceed now.

“Um, ojisan?” You quietly call out, “I think you’re doing great.”

Silence lingered in the air for a bit, you cringed at your rather awkward and forward approach, “Excuse me?” the older blonde man asked, clearly dismayed by your response.

“It’s just…” you ears turn red, not from the alcohol but from embarrassment, “You wouldn’t have moved in the first place if the pay wasn’t better than your old job, right? Plus you’re alone and raising two kids. It definitely isn’t easy to provide for everything alone but I can see that you did some careful reevaluation on the whole thing. Obviously you can’t avoid the fact that they feel bad but you can sit them down and talk to them about how the whole thing was beneficial not just for you but for them too.”

You spoke way too quickly that you wondered if the man could understand you.

The blonde man holds his breath for a moment, “I know…” he mumbles, “I just don’t really know how to talk to them.”

“Well, maybe you could take them out?” You advised, “Spend a whole day with them for a while and just move around with them. Help them get acquainted around their new school or something!”

You watch him silently look at his glass and think it over. Man, if this guy wasn’t older, your obaasan would outright agree and tell you to go out with him since she was never fond of how men weren’t as calm or laid back as he was.

“That sounds plausible. Thank you, Y/N-san.” his voice turned a bit softer and you feel your stomach turn just a little queasy by his tone. God, was the alcohol this bad?

“Well, would ya look at that.” the white-haired man grins, placing his drink up as if he was signaling everyone to cheers with him, “I told you drinking at an Izakaya would solve all your problems. For that, we should drink here again next week!”

The man glared at him yet again, “No. I should be heading home now. I can’t be anymore away from S-”

“Ah, ah. You promised that you’d stay until 2 am.” The white-haired man hushed, “Or I’ll be pestering you for a whole month.”

You could definitely tell that a vein popped on his forehead and his blood pressure was shooting up. Man, you were really starting to doubt that white-haired man was older than everyone in this room. He sure had the mental age of an elementary student.

“You also said I could leave after five drinks.”

“That’s only your second.”

“Satoru…” the Buddhist monk dangerously hovers over his white-haired friend. Wow, middle-age men sure were amusing, “You don’t even drink that well and he has to drive home…”

“Tit for tat, I’ll hire one of my personnel to drive you home after five drinks and I’ll leave you alone for a wee-”

“Please just leave me alone for my whole life.” the blonde man deadpanned.

Unlike you, he wasn't such a bad drinker. Four bottles for him and one more drink for you later, you're both kind of woozy and you had gotten on even friendlier terms with the three men who you now know as Geto-ojisan, Gojo-ojisan, and finally, Nanami-ojisan. Nanami was well into his late thirties while Geto and Gojo were in their forties.

If you were sober, you wouldn’t be making friends with older men. With stories of how easily young people are taken advantage of in the big city, you’d swerve away from them. Luckily, it seemed like they were a good trio and not once did they invite you to sit on their table so you had some good distance between you four and so far, they hadn’t tried anything funny or uncomfortable.

Geto is currently a lawyer, Gojo’s apparently some swanky businessman of god knows what        you heard jewelry or something      and Nanami was an accountant. A job that he described was ‘dead-end’ and ‘fucking boring’.

“...What happened to your wife, Nanami-ojisan?” you ask, the alcohol slowly shedding your shyness away.

“I told ya, Y/N-chan. He never was married. The way he got the kids was just complicated!” Gojo Satoru frowns, splaying his long limbs in the air, for a man so enthusiastic with drinking, he sure got drunk pretty quickly.

“Really? Didn’t you have a hard time? Wow…” you whistled, “I have such high…” you raised your hand as high as you could, “...respects for like, single parents!”

“See? See? But he can’t get a partner because of that Y/N-chan.” Gojo pouts, “...We’ve been setting him up on dates and such but he keeps bailing on them!”

“I have kids.” Nanami deadpans, narrowing his eyes.

“What my friends are trying to say, Kento has a number of opportunities to bring a partner into his life but he likes to use the boys and his work as an excuse.” Geto surmised, it seemed like the lawyer was also starting to feel the effects of the alcohol since he had become more talkative.

“He’s good-looking, right Y/N-chan? If he probably didn’t act like some fossil from the Triassic period, he wouldn’t have a problem sometimes about the boys having a mother figure!” Gojo rants, making Nanami flick his forehead.

“Idiot, must you tell this stranger all my problems?” Nanami harshly interjected.

“Well, you do know that to actually get a partner, you must get out there, right ojisan?” you try to calm him down, you didn’t want a bar fight to erupt.

“I know.” he rolls his eyes, “But the kids-”

“I know.” You try to smile, “You aren’t very interested in bringing just anyone in your life, right? The boys need a permanent figure and you think dating around is going to help.”

“Holy shit, Y/N-chan.” Gojo exclaims, “I thought you were a teacher? How come you know all this shit?”

“It’s basic, Gojo-san.” you smile, ready to take another swig of your saki, “You should take into consideration that Nanami-san isn’t just anyone who’d settle for less. He needs stability since he’s technically a parent.”

“That makes you a perfect pair, don’t you think?” Geto nonchalantly replies, “I mean, you need a stable man in your life who has all of it figured out and wouldn’t hold you back at all while Kento here needs a person who could not only be a good parent but also be as understanding.”

“That’s…” you chuckle, he technically was right, “That’s definitely odd how all our problems will be solved if we both just went out together.”

“... looks young enough to be my child.” Nanami rejoined, “why would Y/N-san like-”

“I mean, you’re good looking.” you shrug, rather shamelessly, “I wouldn’t mind going out with you. Heck, I wouldn’t mind if I married you.”

Gojo spits out the saki he was drinking all over the table and that makes you cringe in disgust, “As long as he doesn’t get invited to the wedding. I’d marry you. If you’d like we could even get married right here, right now.” you proudly proclaim.

The blonde man is thrown off by your statement yet he’s too drunk to even sip in the seriousness of your words, “Well as much as I agree on not inviting Gojo to my wedding, I don’t know-” he tries to explain.

“You know what, isn’t Geto-san a lawyer? He could have it notarized and all that right now then we could get married. I’ll be a great mom and help you out then you could help me get my family off my back. You scratch my back, I scratch yours!”

Geto is definitely in shock, how odd was it that he even had a marriage registration certificate in his briefcase back in the car too?

You both could just sign it and Satoru could sign it as your witness and he could have it officially notarized since he had his seal back there too.

Solved.

“So, Nanami-san, what do you say? Wanna marry me?”

Oh god, were you shameless.

Who in the right mind would marry a stranger, one who was thirteen years older and a father?

One thing was for sure, your friends were right. You definitely needed to stay away from alcohol.

taglist [if crossed out, i can’t tag u ; - ;]

; @coldbookworm  ; @frankenstein852  ;  @neavil  ; @shephard17895  @kristineyoshaii ; @airybnb ; @okachansenpai ; @amortentiaxo ; @rinvtaro ; @franko-pop ; @kozutenshi ; @kaldoesthings ; @moonlitdabi ; @chococroissant​ ; @bleepop​ ; ​

@Kurok1717 ;  @hcn421 ;  @shinhiromi ;  @airybnb ; @katshuya  ; ​

[mordellestories]

Bless the Fallen

[mygoddessmusings]

19 Days of Brigid and Imbolc

I meant to do this post last Saturday, but I had such a jam-packed Imbolc this year that I just didn't have the time. Still! Better late than never, as they say.

Recaps and Reflections

Flame 16: Nourishment

The prayer references food, which is extremely important to Brigid, but there are many kinds of nourishment that we need to stay happy and healthy. It is important to take stock periodically and reflect on whether the activities we do and the things we consume (be it food/drink, the written word, music, television, etc.) are nourishing to our minds, bodies, spirits, and emotional well-being. Not only that, in this time of goal-making and fresh starts, are we nourishing the women we want to be? That woman within us who is our ideal self - are we nurturing her, helping her grow, bringing her into being? Or are we just nourishing our same old bad habits? On a more practical level, I've been focusing a lot on my mental and emotional health lately, but this prayer was a reminder that I need to not neglect my physical health as well. All of our types of well-being are interconnected, to neglect one is to not properly nourish the others. The final line of this prayer ("May all beings be nourished.") reminds me so much of Buddhist prayers I have studied and  recited in the past, and I was reminded of this again when I learned that one of the few places the Dalai Lama visited in his trip to Ireland in 2011 was Solas Bhríde Centre in Kildare, where he was presented with Brigid's sacred flame by the Brigidine Sisters. You've heard of Brigid the Goddess and Brigid the Saint, but I think maybe we've all been sleeping on Brigid the Bodhisattva. Song of the Day: Gabhaim Molta Brigde/ I Give Praise to Brigid

Flame 17: Peace

May your peace shine out from us with radiance. May we make peace around us. May there be peace in the North, peace in the East, peace in the South, peace in the West, peace above, peace below, peace within, peace without, peace at the center. Song of the Day: Deep Peace of the Running Wave to You (a version of it - I made most of the lyrics because I only sort of remembered how it went, and I didn't have my phone on me, which will be relevant in a moment)

Flame 18: Gratefulness

It was on this morning that I realized.... I miscounted. I meant to have the nineteenth day be 1/31, but it wound up being 1/30. It actually worked out better this way, because it gave me the morning of the 31st free to work on my ritual for 2/1.  However, me grumbling about things not going the way I planned only for them to turn out better than I planned (followed by a sheepish "thanks, Brigid") was a theme this whole week with Brigid. Case in point: this was also The Day I Lost My Phone. These last few days of the 19 Days of Brigid were bittersweet as I was aware this morning time with Brigid was coming to an end. I was very grateful to Brigid for all the insights She had given me, the beautiful moments, the discipline to get up every morning and do this, ...  but I also grumbled on this morning. I used to do so many different creative things so regularly, but I'd let them fall by the wayside, why'd I do that? I needed to set aside more time for these things, I said, and then I ended the ritual and went about my morning. That is until I realized my phone was missing. I don't have a big house so there weren't many places to check. I traced and retraced my steps. I looked high and low, under furniture, between cushions. I looked everywhere except my altar room because I was certain, certain, beyond of a shadow of a doubt, that I had not taken my phone in there (I don't as a rule). It was definitely in my house somewhere, but I could not for the life of me figure out where it was. Finally, late for work, I rushed out the door, grumbling, but being deprived of my phone for entertainment, what did I do on my lunch break that day? I doodled and scribbled and did all those creative things I had been grumbling about letting fall by the wayside that morning. And of course, do you know where I found my phone that evening? At the foot of Brigid's altar, in my altar room, where I still have no memory of taking it. Moral of the story: Brigid can and will confiscate your phone  you never how things are going to work out, inconveniences might end up being blessings. Song of the Day: "Thank You Mother" by Kellianna, Brigid-ified!

Flame 19: The Three Flames of Brigid

Hearthfire... Temple fire... Forge fire... Every day of this observance I tended a temple fire of sorts, and Brigid of the hearthfire was present throughout. Her forge fire is the fire I have spent the least time consciously contemplating, but in hindsight, I believe this fire was present was day one as well. All of my divination at the turn of this year has indicated that 2019 will be a year of transformation for me, a year of changes. One the one hand, this is a daunting thought, but I have been trying to have faith that they will be positive transformations, and I have done a lot of work to start my year off setting the groundwork for good changes. In many writings about Brigid, her forge fire is referenced as a "fire of transformation," which is certainly true, metal goes in and crafts come out, but I think this line of the prayer speaks to an even more important feature: Brigid’s forge strengthens. It takes brittle metals and crafts them into strong swords and shields. In Brigid’s skillful hands, the changes of our life not only make us different they can make us stronger and help us reach our full potential. Song of the Day: Gabhaim Molta Brigde/ I Give Praise to Brigid

Imbolc

Friday evening I settled in for my personal Imbolc ritual. It was a more simple, contemplative ritual than I’ve done in years past. Once I had welcomed in the Elements and Brigid (I welcomed Her in with food and drink and poetry), I did a simple self-blessing ritual you can find here, and after contemplating and speaking on the significance of this moment in the wheel of the year, I asked Brigid to witness and bless the PaGaian Brigidine Dedication:

“I commit myself to my particular small self, understanding that I am She – Gaia – She who is All. I am connected to Her as the tree bud is to the branch. ‘I am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mystery of the waters’. I commit myself to this Originating Power present in me, the Sacred Flame in me, this Native Land who I am. I will protect Her and honour Her in myself – this particular Beauty, who is ever-new. I am a Promise of Life. Whatever She needs I will give Her. I will tend Her in myself – so that She may grow strong and flourish.”

This dedication is something I’ve done in the past, but its poetry really spoke to me this year. I wanted it to be the centerpoint and main focus of the ritual, and it was a lovely experience. I'm really focusing my well-being and self-care this year, as well as reconnecting with my creative endeavors, so this seemed like a really appropriate way to honor that in ritual.

Candlemas

The following morning, my local group met for our Imbolc pancake breakfast. We made beeswax candles, while I did an informal presentation on Brigid (we’re trying a new thing this year where we take turns researching and presenting a different Goddess each meetup). In honor of Brigid, we collected donations for our local Hands of the Goddess chapter, and then we did a guided meditation, where we met with Brigid the poet, Brigid the Smith, and Brigid the Healer. I don't often do guided meditations - my experience with them in the past has been a mixed bag. But this activity was suggested by another member, and it actually did bring some clarity on my intentions moving forward and was a good experience overall. I'm interested to try some more in the future.

Then, in the afternoon, I struck out on an hour drive to attend the Candlemas ritual held by a local women's coven. The coven has apparently been around for a few years, but I just discovered them a few weeks ago. It is run by a lovely couple of wise women, and the whole group was so welcoming. The coven ritual priestess has invited me to start a year-and-a-day study with them, and I am so excited to say that I accepted! While I've been studying paganism and Goddess spirituality on my own for many years at this point, a formal year and a day study is a rite of passage, of sorts, that I've always wanted to do; it's just been a matter of finding the right group. I had been considering doing a year and a day course online this year, but I do better with in-person, group learning, when it comes to keeping a structure and schedule. This opportunity appeared at just the right moment. As all the women gathered into the ritual space, it all just felt so right. I'm so excited for this new chapter of my spiritual path.

I hope everyone's Imbolc and Lughnasadh celebrations brought you everything you needed.

Til Next Time,

Nara

[weabbynormalblog]

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

[firenationskydominion]

Zutaraweek 18 "Letters"

In Asia it is quite common for men and women of Buddhist and Hindu faith to leave their family after the age of 50 and become monks or sages. Many in my family have taken this path, which was always very painful for the family left behind. Aang always reminded me of Tibetan monks who are celibate. They never marry and they do not father children - except if their nation is at risk. So as a Hindu who follows a buddhist path I always found the notion of Aang getting married a bit weird (like a married catholic monk or nun). Katara is a loving and nurturing woman, a healer, her primary objective is to help. Aang used that notion to restore the air nomads, as she gave birth to his three children. Did he misuse her natural caregiving character as breeding machine to restore the air nomads? In Korra we see that Aang was not a perfect father or husband, so this story is loosely based on canon.

  Dear Katara,

  It has been a while since we last spoke and it breaks my heart that you will not speak to me anymore. I know that with all that my family has done to yours it must be very difficult for you to be in the Fire Nation and I respect your wish to return to your tribe. But I miss you, terribly so. It breaks my heart to know that Aang left you and the children to become a celibate monk, as it was tradition with the air nomads. I never understood why he never told you about his plans when we all were young… He always put his nation first, not you. Whereas you were always the world to me.

Katara, I understand that I am asking too much of you, but please reconsider your decision never to see me again. I love you, and I always will. But if you want me to stay silent, I will respect that. Let me at least visit you once. I just want to see your face again one last time.

  With love,

Zuko

  **

Dear Zuko,

  Thank you for your letter. You are finding me in a vulnerable state. Aang went into the mountains three years ago now and he has become a monk. I do not know if he is alive or not. The kids sometimes fly to the northern air temple looking for him. They miss him terribly. I guess I should have known that marrying a holy man always comes with a burden. I agreed to share it with him and to bear his children, but I was never prepared that he would sacrifice our family for the good of his people. My son Tenzin follows in his footsteps. He also always puts the nation first, before family and before everything else.

Zuko, I am happy here. I have family. This is the place I belong. I know, when we were young, we loved each other for a short while, but how would that have worked? Your family gave the orders to kill my mother. You are the Firelord of the nation that almost eradicated my people. Had you been a common man, I would not have hesitated a minute to be with you. We would have been an odd couple, but who cares? But you are the Lord and Emperor of the Fire Nation. I know that you are not your father or grandfather, but you still reign over thousands who are like them. Who in the Capital would have accepted me as wife to their Firelord? A "hunter-gatherer" waterbender? Would they accept a waterbending healer as Firelord's wife? As an exotic mistress maybe, but not as the queen of the Fire Nation. In all the positivity I try to bring into this world, I am also a realist. And I am not your mistress, Zuko.

I know that some of your people look down on the way we live. Close to nature and without technology. We hunt, we live in the ice, we are simple people. I do not feel at ease when I am in the capital city or at court with you.

I always cared for you Zuko. You have been through so much and you need someone who heals your soul. Look how good Azula is doing these days, she is a totally different woman today than she was when we were children. People can change. Even your father tries. I know that you have ghosts of the past which haunt you. Only you yourself can fight these ghosts, I can help you, but you have to stand and fight them. What is past, has passed.

If I chose you I would lose my tribe, my home, my heritage, my everything. You know that I had and have feelings for you, but not in this life. Forget me. You are still young, you will find someone new. And you have a wonderful daughter. Look forward Zuko to what can be, not what could have been… I am sure that there is hope out there for you and great things await you. Just look ahead instead of looking back!

  Katara

  **

Dear Katara,

  Thank you very much for your honest reply. I wish you were here to help me to fight those demons. I am surrounded by people like my father and now Aang has decided to go full monk. Uncle Iroh is frail and he has decided to live in the spirit world. Mai now lives in Republica and you surely know about Suki and your brother. They have all left for Republica and I am here all by myself with Izumi. I am so afraid that I am putting too much pressure on her and that she will end up like Azula. Yet as heir to the Fire Throne she can't be with Mai in Republica, she has to be here and learn the ropes as Firelord. She is great at tactics, strategy and firebending. And she is as reserved as her mother… She is just a thirteen year old girl! Aang was younger when we defeated father, but she is still a child. Please Katara, I need your help. Not as lovers, as friends. I know you cannot leave your children behind, but maybe you can give me some advice?

  Love, Zuko

  **

Dear Zuko,

  The only advice I can give you is to send her to school with other children. That was one of the few things your father did right, when he paired Azula up with Mai and Ty Lee in the girl's fire bending academy. He was against private schooling at court and wanted her to know the people whom she would have to deal with in Fire Nation society. She experienced friendship and camaraderie, which she would not have had at court.

If you like, I can come to the Fire Nation with the kids in winter. We cannot hunt then and it would be great to escape to the warmer weather. We can then talk and maybe the kids will get along?

  Katara

  **

Dear Katara,

That is a lovely idea! We could all go to Ember Island together. You are all great swimmers and you could teach me and Izumi how to canoe and we could teach you how to surf!

You made me so happy. Thank you, Katara! Thank you for everything!

Love, Zuko

[twilight-resonance]

Found Family; Death and Rebirth

This is making good on a step to try as writ per below. Opinions, rather than just events. Thoughts, rather than description. We’ll see how far we make it.

As mentioned several times at this point, we’ve been watching Babylon 5; at this point, we’re wrapping up the series. There are, I think, two episodes left - could be a couple more or one less, but I suspect it’s two. The last half of this season has been the long process of beginning the ending - one of the things I enjoy about Babylon 5 is that it does a wonderful job of telling you exactly where it’s going, but then takes you along for how it happens - because that’s what matters. You know it’s ending, the show knows it’s ending, and the characters know it’s ending - and the last part of the season is all the ways they’re settling out and starting on their own stories to follow, and - that’s the rub of it.

There was a post going around on Tumblr that I saw a few days, maybe a week ago; it was about found family. Someone was expressing that of all the tropes they can think of, one of their least favorite is when you have a found family and then at the end of the story they go their separate ways. And I get that - I truly do. But I find at this point in my life, I think, that that’s what resonates with me far more. Found family that parts ways at the end. It’s... truer to my experience, I suppose, and to my sense of the way the world turns.

I think it’s because the goal isn’t stability; the goal is to grow. Found family is a glorious thing because that’s where healing can happen. That’s where belonging can happen; where safety can happen, security can happen, where catching up on all the things we’ve left behind can finally have a space to be. It’s no secret why we associate found family with happiness; but while it’s a good middle, it’s a bad ending. The goal isn’t perpetual stagnancy, wherein all people stay who and where they are and never leave this happy place again - the goal is to find your footing, and then to continue to grow. Sometimes people grow together, and that’s good; and sometimes people grow apart, and that can be good too. Sometimes that’s the way of things. Whether it’s pursuing a job halfway across the country that you’ve been angling for for years, whether it’s falling in love with a little town that you want to live in, whether it’s pursuing a new interest that takes your time and energy and invites you to spend it elsewhere - all of these things are things that pull people away from one another, one way or the other. But they can still be good. Even if they are still sad.

Maybe that’s a piece of it too. It’s always been the way that I prefer bittersweet endings to happy ones; happy ones, yes - but tempered by sadness, too. I touch less on that perpetual feeling of sorrow under my own surface these days, and maybe that’s good; but even so, there’s a pensiveness and a depth that only comes through with the sorrow. Sorrow, because it means we cared. Because it means we still care. Because it means we are carrying with us pieces of all that we have left behind - sorrow because we do not intend to forget. Sorrow because these are all only moments in time, and that which is sweet becomes all the more poignant when you know that someday it will end. Sorrow is a hard thing; but in moderation, and taken with perspective, it’s a healthy thing. And a meaningful one.

There is something to be said about the way the characters - the way that people - pick up the pieces of all that, in this place, made them who they are; take the common threads of story and tie them off, one by one, like the knots that hold the stitches in. Nothing lasts forever, and a story without an ending becomes... rambling, and muddled, and somewhere in the endless continuation you lose the point. We each have many stories through our time, but in order it make room for new ones, old ones have to end. There’s something to be said about the way they take those pieces from this story with them as they turn to face the beginning of the next path, next door, next place it’s time for them to go. It would be wrong for them to turn away from that path and say, no - I’m staying. It would become the same cycles, over and over again - it would stagnate. The only way forward is to go, whatever that may mean for each character - each person - in question.

Found family is what allows us to move on. Found family is where we find the people who will fight for us - and with us, when what we’re fighting is ourselves. Found family is where we have the safety to confront those shadows, those terrors, those troubles, that have followed us from the harsher stories we all live. Found family is where we find understanding, and happiness, and learn to find our footing - so that we can continue to grow into the people we need to be. There’s a piece of advice I’ve found about moving on that makes me understand more the Buddhist perspective on suffering; which is to say that, before we can move on, we need to learn to be content with loss. Before you can make friends, you need to learn to be content with being lonely. Before you can find and keep a partner, you need to learn to be content by yourself. Before you can heal, you need to become content with the fact that you are not your full self right now. Acceptance comes first; and learning to let go of the suffering comes first; and in letting go of that suffering, it gives us room to grow. I’ve found it to be true - and I’ve found that that’s part of what found family does. I wasn’t able to do what I needed to do to repair my friendships until I became content with the possibility of losing them. I wasn’t able to start healing my anger until I found contentment with the fact that what was might never be again. So it goes, on and on and on.

Life, I feel like, is a perpetual cycle of birth and death and rebirth. We’re many people in our time; or rather, we are many stories, and we play many parts. We are one life as it moves through our stories, and upon each telling it shifts and changes and grows. We can almost all think back to phases and eras of our lives; for some people those eras are defined by school, by friend groups, by places they’ve lived, by things they did - but they are there, almost always. I feel like I’ve gone through three or four deaths of self at this point - some overlapping, but deaths nonetheless. Each death is terrifying, is heart-wrenching, is hard upon hard upon hard - but each death has always been the way forward, too. Each death is letting go. Each death is the ending that lets the new story begin. And that is how the world turns.

Maybe that’s just me, though. There’s a reason I’ve taken the salmon as a symbol of self. The salmon, too, is born and dies and is reborn, over and over again. The salmon is a symbol of transformation through pain and sorrow, and learning to find the joy in life despite it, and a symbol of nourishing the grounds you leave behind with your parting. Maybe that’s the way of things - but it’s also my way of things, and may not be the way for everyone.

Some things come back, too. We don’t leave everything behind - elsewise we would be another person, and it wouldn’t be a rebirth. Many things, we carry with us - to our great sorrow, and our great joy. That is the bittersweetness that rings true, in all things. I have friends that I treasured for a near-decade until we took separate paths in life and all grew apart; and while we brush up against each other’s lives only rarely these days, I still carry with me all the ways they shaped me. And there is a kind of love in that, I think - in looking back at time we spent together and cherishing what was, and what we had with one another. Found family, to say it another way. Families grow and change, too; and that is okay. We all found ours with other people, eventually, even though our paths were intertwined for a while.  That doesn’t make them family any less; and on those rare times when we brush against each other, it is still a joy to be in that moment with one another. Even though it ends, and in many ways ended a long time ago.

So those are my thoughts tonight. Someday, maybe, I ought to write about those deaths and rebirths and deaths and rebirths - but not tonight, or not yet. I was able to say these things for a while, and it felt good. There will be other nights for the rest. For now, I ought to process the small things, too - so we move on.

[thewestmeetingroom]

The West Meeting Room: You Are Enough As You Are

Broadcast September 28, 2019

SPEAKERS Saba, Aisha, Ruvimbo, Tony, Chemi, Gen, Nermeen, Carly

Saba   Hello and welcome to The West Meeting Room, a new weekly show from the Hart House student podcasting team. Today we are broadcasting live from the CiUT Map Room Studios at Hart House. And we are grateful to live, work and study on Dish with One Spoon  Territory. I'm Saba and I'll be your host for today's episode. Today on The West Meeting Room we will be featuring one of a series of conversations we recorded over the summer centered around peer to peer wisdom exchange. U of T can often feel like a difficult and isolating space to navigate. So our podcasting team spent this past summer gathering conversations with students and recent graduates to find out how they cultivate self care in their lives. These students and recent grads invite us into their conversation about taking up space, building meaningful relationships and how to take care of yourself while navigating systems of oppression.

Aisha     My name is Aisha and something I'm proud of that I've started doing in particular, in my fourth year of study, which I just finished, is I'm living a more balanced life. I think my first three years in particular, I was taking - I was kind of in a go go go kind of mindset. Everything was focused on how can I dedicate the most time possible to my academics, to the extracurriculars, to all the research and the activities that will get me into grad school. And my priorities were very much centered there. But somehow, I don't quite know how I had a bit of a mental shift, where I realized that, you know, I may have had certain accomplishments on paper, but I wasn't feeling as fulfilled as I would have been had I been spending more time with family and friends and on my spirituality, and kind of living in the moment a bit more. So I'm proud that I think I've achieved a more balanced lifestyle without necessarily giving up what I was doing before. So my life just feels more holistic right now. Okay,

Ruvimbo My name is Ruvimbo. And something I'm proud of is just being more self aware and more self conscious. Reading this book, very popular best selling book called The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I highly recommend it. I'm reading it with my workmates and as a team and we're all just going through it chapter by chapter. Aach one of us taking a chapter and kind of breaking it down, dissecting it and seeing how it could be best applicable to our lives. And so by reading that book, I think I'm becoming more sensitive on myself. Like me as a person, but then how that's impacting my relationships with other people. And so I'm really proud of the fact that I'm able to kind of take ownership of myself, my flaws, my faults, and all the good things, good things and bad things that come with me. And just working on being a better person for myself and for others. Yeah.

Gen     So, um, I kind of don't want to answer this question, because it's kind of hard to find something I'm proud of. Because in past months, I've done a lot of, or not something that I've done is, I did not achieve a lot of things I should be proud of. But I think the one thing that I'm proud of this month is that I got my willpower back, which is very, very difficult I realized. I didn't know until I lost it and I mean, they're just days I just want to wander around at home doing nothing. But I, I believe that my personality is driven by willpower. And without it, I felt like dead. I mean, some people, they're really relaxed because they like that kind of, you know, environment. But for me, I always thought, oh, there must be a reason, there must be a purpose. And once I lost that purpose, I can't do what I do. So I'm, I'm proud that I changed that perspective. There's so much more to just, you know, aiming for one purpose, so I'm proud of that.

Chemi     We’re glad you're here too.

Tony Thank you for sharing. Hi, everyone. My name is Tony. And something I am proud of is I've been thinking a lot about tenderness. And I've been reading this book called On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong. And there's this line he writes, where he says, “sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined.” And this line for me, hit me so deeply. And I've been thinking a lot about how I seek tenderness in a lot of ways, and how that relates to a lot of things that I've been working on and healing from. And how, for me, it's just like thinking about how I also felt like I needed to believe that I deserve tenderness and also that I can show myself that tenderness rather than seeking it from other people. While I always appreciate it from people that I love. I think right now, it's like, the ways that I can show up for myself and be tender with myself. And doing that is like, can be really hard work. And so I'm proud of myself for coming to that and also just like being a work in progress. So yeah.

Chemi Alright, tashi delek everyone. Hello, my name is Chemi and very grateful to be sharing this land here. I know that it belongs to the original stewards, the Indigenous communities, the First Nation, Métis and Inuit folks. So grateful in any space that I take up because I come from stolen land myself. So the dynamic is always very interesting. And something that I'm proud of, you know, it's always hard question for me as well. And I would say overall, my identity, who I am as a whole, specifically my rich Tibetan Buddhist traditions. So that's something I'm very proud of, although it is something that I had the privilege of inheriting at birth. That is where I find my strength and keeps me going every single day. And yeah, I think the concept of my people is very interesting because it reminds me the teachings of impermanence, that it's forever changing. Right. And that was, for me, that sort of experience came along when I came to university because for me, my people had always been my community, my Tibetan community. And I'm a community organizer and an activist in that sort of space. And, you know, had experiences organizing rallies for over 2000 people and stuff like that coming into university. But when I came to university, my people became just the athletic society where I played sports. I played competitive sports, tri-campus and things like that. And that was sort of my people. And then I would come and take neuroscience and biochemistry the first few years. So I was like, Okay, I didn't belong here. But this is sort of my clique. But then moving forward in our third year and fourth year, I realized that many of the sort of challenges and issues that my community faces, specifically the youth, when it comes to, you know, being an immigrant family, being most oftentimes the first generation to access higher education, coming from low income families, gentrification happening in their communities. All of these sort of challenges and issues that my community was facing and I was trying to address was the same thing in Scarborough. And I realized, oh wow, there's a whole lot of other communities. They're all just like me or they're all just like my siblings that need that help. And then I thought to myself that maybe this is my chance to go beyond my own community and rejig what I mean by “my people”, because oftentimes, people are brought together through similar sort of experiences of pain and suffering. So in that sort of space, I realized that wow, like, if I can be useful here, why am I exhausting myself in only one community when I could be helping my other Tamil brother or my Tamil sister or Tamil either or, right. And so yeah, I started there. And then I started getting involved and I realized that the work was really just the same and hence why now I’m much more involved on campus along with my community.

Ruvimbo     Thank you, Chemi. It was really interesting how you mentioned how you wanted to go beyond your particular community. And you were seeing similarities in other communities that may be not necessarily where you were from, where you're rooted in, but you saw a need there to support those same things. And I was just wondering if we could maybe, if everyone's comfortable, we could go into that discussion.

Aisha   That question I find really, really interesting, because when I was listening to the question and thinking of community, I was thinking of community in terms of maybe kind of the ethnic sense or the national sense or the cultural sense because of your, Chemi's, earlier answer. And my experience on campus was very much not having found that kind of community at all throughout my entire four years here. And so when I, when I think of kind of supporting my community and the issues that I've personally find very important as like kind of a Muslim Canadian, as a hijab wearing woman, the issues that are important to my community are things that I've had to kind of bring up independently. And it's been very, it would have been very difficult within the spaces that I inhabited on this campus to find other people who maybe had similar perspectives. If I'm thinking, particularly if I'm taking the example of like Islamophobia, for example, I think in my first year in residence within my college, I was the only person there who were a hijab. And to my knowledge, I was the only Muslim woman in the residence or that I was interacting with on a daily. I'm sure there were others who probably didn't want to bring it up. So it was less an experience of finding community in other kind of related groups and more of trying to share pieces of my community with other communities. So one thing that I found really useful was talking about my own experiences and kind of personalizing Muslims to people that maybe you hadn't interacted with them before. Or writing in the college's magazine and kinda drawing people into my community. Like putting Henna on them, letting them try on my Pakistani clothes, and things like that.

Ruvimbo Thank you for sharing that.

Tony   Thank you for sharing that Aisha. I think there's a lot of things that you mentioned that really resonated for me. I think it's tricky navigating academic institutions where I think oftentimes there can be a sense of loneliness, when there isn't kind of that access to a community. And I and I do, I really appreciate that you talked about kind of sharing those pieces of your community to communities. Also recognizing it's a lot of work and it's a lot of labor. It's a lot of, not just like physical or like emotional labor that sometimes is expected. And I wish sometimes that there was kind of this more mutuality of like, folks also doing the work and getting to like, you know, any forms of like, discrimination. It's like it's something that is wrong but oftentimes gets normalized in very subtle ways. And I think that's part of like, where allyship for me is a little bit - there can be a lot of tensions just because there's a lot of ways that folks may claim to be allies but it can be very performative. And I think what I mean by that is like without kind of that mutualness of like working, making the effort to like really dismantling the very things that make people feel lonely in the first place with like - because I think like communities can also consist of, you know, folks of different backgrounds for sure. But there needs to be like, I don't know, this idea of mutualness, I think it's really, really important. And I'd be, and I would love to hear kind of like other folks like, thoughts and ideas kind of around I guess a couple of things - whether it's like -  I know for me, it's like navigating kind of that sense of loneliness. When, you know, that sense of community isn't always obvious and also like, what it means to have other people also show up for you while you're trying to shop for yourself. So now there's like a couple things that I'd be interested in hearing more about.

Ruvimbo   So a piece of advice that, I've actually recently heard this and I've been trying to practice it, is to focus on your circle of influence and not your circle of concern. And just to briefly kind of explain what that means is that there's so many things happening in this world around us in our lives that we're concerned about. But there's not many things you can change. So to focus on your circle of influence is to focus essentially on yourself. Because you're the only thing that you can change. And by focusing on yourself, you can then influence other things around you to change. And so that's something I've been trying to do. I carry my own weather within myself and then not letting outward things affect me. And by doing that I'll be able to have a more positive influence on those things.

Gen     Sorry, I just, I just thought of like a star trek quote for it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be all nerdy. It's just some - it's kind of difficult isn't it though? Because some people might think the needs of the many outweigh the needs of you. And every time when you try to put yourself ahead of everything people might find you, you know, like, selfish? Or, I mean, I think it's very important to self care and I have been having trouble because I'm always afraid of what other people think of me. So, what makes you, you know, go for that?

Ruvimbo   So it's not so much as being like selfish in the sense of just focus on you. It's you. I can't change you, but I can change me. Right? So rather than, Yeah, it's rather than “it's all about me and I don't care what's happening outwardly” it's, I” can always change those things because they're not me.” The only person I can change confidently is me. So I think that's why I've been going for that often because if someone is upset, having a bad day, I can't make them not have a bad day because if they're having a bad day, that's them. But I can change how I approach them with regards to the day that they're having and not let it then affect me to the point where now both of us are having a bad day.

Tony   I think my – the wisdoms that I’ve received has been, kind of related. I think it's believing in the positive intent of human beings. This idea that it's okay to make mistakes, as long as there is a willingness to be accountable and also like a willingness to repair the harm. And I think a lot about this because I think sometimes making mistakes is part of learning, but also understanding the impact that sometimes our mistakes can have. And that it is really important that when we're able to like to really repair the harm, and it's not necessarily like our self worth, that's on trial when someone tells us like, “Oh, actually, this thing that you did was not okay.” And then just like to learn from that and I think the positive intent comes from, like knowing that we can change and you know, that we don't repeat the same mistakes in the future.  

Chemi Yeah just jumping on that. I think the truth of suffering is that everyone suffers. And then when you acknowledge that you get to see the human side of the other person. And then other pieces of sort of wisdom is that you're not alone. I think a lot of people need to hear that. And when you know that, you know a lot of people are subjected to suffering - not a lot - everyone is subjected to suffering in one way or the other. I think you realize that you're actually not alone. And then the last is that you are your own savior. I think that's something that has really helped a lot when I was growing up, and because of the sort of things that came in order that you know, suffering is part of life and you're not alone allows you to be the bigger person and then actually strive for wisdom and the eradication of ignorance.

Aisha   So one ritual that I started this summer is just carrying a journal with me everywhere. So every single time I think of something that I think is wise or I learned a lesson or I reflect on a day or a conversation that's been particularly impactful, I just write it down. And I find that writing it into permanence and as something that I can look over later, has meant that those lessons are things that I'm carrying with me in the days ahead. And I like to think that it's helping me improve as a person and just generally how I'm going through my life.

Gen Definitely, the commitment that you’re actually putting it on paper really changes like oh you’re storing it up in your brain and you might remember it later, but then I guess drawing it out or writing it out really, really means that you respect that memory.

Aisha Right.

Gen That's beautiful.

Chemi   Being intentional with your mornings, or just being intentional in general. So today, I'm going to smile at one person, or - you'd be you'd be surprised how often days go by without you realizing how much you've actually done things intentionally,right? So intentional mornings are great because knowing what you're going to do, accomplish today. I'm going to, before the day ends I'm going to, I don't know, buy a coffee for somebody- whatever it is. And then the other is when you're going to sleep, things that you're grateful for. So having a grateful list is always helpful.

Tony     I love that, by the way. Being intentional. That's not something I thought of before. And I think for me, kind of similar to what you're both saying around like reflection, I started scrapbooking. Which started off as being like a joke that like I may get married one day and I have to give something to my wedding planner. Something that's like - I've been reading Bell Hooks All About Love and thinking about like, oh, romantic love shouldn't be at the top of the hierarchy. Like that's ridiculous. Like there's so many different forms of love. And so my scrapbook is about my friends and my family who like give me the most beautiful cards and then I just like scrapbook them and then we take photos I put in there and it's a really good reminder for me that there's so many ways to feel love and then, and I'm being taught how to be loving just through like all these different ways that love is showing up in my life. So yeah, scrapbooking. And as a way to you know just like redefine love has been really good for me

Gen I was actually going to comment on your habits. I'm not saying they're similar, but I think that we're actually making an effort to move away from the digital world. Like we're doing like physical things. We're trying to interact with real people trying to interact with nature and I feel like we're moving towards an age where these things can be replaced by I don't know taking a picture and posting it on Instagram or something like that. And I don't know what kids do these days, but I feel like a lot of people don't do physical things for personal reasons anymore because, simply because they can't share it. Like it's, not like you're recording where you're going and then you post it online, or you're not really scanning every page of your scrapbook and post it online. I mean, you might share it on your wedding day, but yeah. It's beautiful. So, um, I find it, I really appreciate that we're always trying to move away from being replaced by these robots or artificial intelligence and we're doing it for ourselves. So you're doing things for yourself and other people. Yeah.

Tony   Thanks for sharing that. I think it's a really, you bring up a very like complicated, like, some complicated relationships that I definitely feel around like, the way that we navigate like technology, social media, and also feeling validation and like intimacy and it's really tricky. And it's like, and not to say that folks who post on social media is like, you know, an issue - it's just thinking about being more critical about our relationship to that. And, and like, sometimes I know, I just like, put them together. But sometimes I need to work in like just handling them apart. And that requires work. Yeah, it's it's complicated. It's Yeah. So thanks for bringing up those nuances.

Nermeen   So mine is kind of something that I started in the summer as well. But I've just been making myself be outdoors every single day. Because I feel like when you're busy especially, it can be a tendency to just be going from place to place and coming back and forth. But I tried to give myself like, half an hour to an hour where I will go outside like while it's still light and do like -you're just going to sit, you can do what you want. Like, I won't go on my phone though. I’ll like either read, like journal or something like that. But I just try to do that to just be in nature a little bit. And I think, I don't know, like it's - I feel like it's helping my mental health a lot just because it gives you that moment where you decompress, and you can just like process things. And I really like that.

Aisha So one lesson that I've been trying to carry forward with new relationships I’m forming or as I'm getting closer to other people, is setting those boundaries proactively either with your words or with your behavior. So that I'm always keeping my own well being in mind, even when I do want to support others.

Ruvimbo That's great. That's good. I think that's important. And having those boundaries set up, up front, like you're saying, is so important because - and I see this quote often - you allow, you, I guess the essence of it is you are giving people permission to treat you a certain way. So if you have boundaries from the beginning, they know this is acceptable. This is unacceptable. This is, I can't cross this line because the other person just cannot handle this. I think that's very important. But as you were talking, one thing I was thinking about as well is understanding the way that you yourself give and receive love. So I've never actually read the book, The Five Love Languages, but I've done like the quiz and read a little bit about it. And I think it's been super helpful because then you can even communicate with people - and again, this goes for all relationships, not necessarily just romantic. Just to say, hey, this is how I receive love. Secause we are more inclined to give love in the way that we want to receive it. So if you are someone who values quality time, and I realized that that's me, my priority is to spend time with people and to be there like physically. Like let’s have this time together. But someone else might value words of affirmation, and the quality time may not necessarily even be top of their list. So me being there for them but not saying anything that's affirming to them isn't really doing much for them. So, and I think that comes with knowing yourself too and assessing yourself and realizing what do I do? How do I want to be loved? And inversely How then can I understand other people's love languages and how they receive love? So I think all of it yeah, it goes to loving yourself, as you were saying earlier, Tony, and just self love is important. And I think if you don't have enough self love for yourself, it's really difficult to then be able to give back to anyone else because you are depleted. You're working from a very empty source. So yourself should be the first kind of basis upon which you're working. And then you have more resources to give, more love to give out to others.

Nermeen   Like what you're saying about setting boundaries with people, I find myself often in the same position of being someone who cares a lot. And I think with love languages as well, like I know mine is acts of service. So if I, if there's something that I can do for people, like I will always do it, even if it means like, I'm not going to sleep. I'm not going to like, be able to finish my own work or whatever. Like I will always try to support people. But I find that that leads to me feeling drained and feeling depleted sometimes. And so I was just wondering if, in general with your own experiences of like setting boundaries if you have any tips or like, anything that you do, or like for yourself or even with other people like what would you say or do to set those boundaries?

Aisha   Sure, I'll jump in, just because this is definitely fresh on my mind. One thing that I found myself doing more and more during my degree was I'm a scheduler, so I like to schedule my days. And if I see myself, it applies to not only self care, but every, all my commitments in my life and I consider a commitment to self care to be one of my commitments. When it comes to academic commitments. If I'm stressed about a certain class, I'm putting a two or three hour block of time in my schedule for the next week to study for that class. Or if I'm feeling drained, where I have in my schedule, like go for a walk with my friend, I'll extend that from one hour to two hours, and just kind of think ahead. But in terms of communicating it, to answer the second part of your question, I found that it's a lot scarier to think about than it is to actually do if someone is genuinely friends with you and you tell them, Hey, I'm feeling really drained. I think tomorrow I'm going to take a self care day. I'm going to go to Harbourfront, get a beaver tail, and I'll see you like on Monday. They're going to, if they're a person who does care about you as much as they probably should, they'll be supportive of that.

Tony   Yeah, I want to say, thank you for sharing those insights. Especially like, I like boundary setting as a way to show that, (what I've been reminded), I care about the relationship and also caring for ourselves, too. So I really like the things that you brought up. Yeah, you know, just opening it up.

Gen   But it's difficult to set boundaries, because Are you saying we're too close? Or I mean, I, I just think I would definitely feel that way. If I were them. I'll be like, Hey, are you saying we hang out too much? Or are you saying that our relationship has gone to the deep end, like in a negative way? So how do you acknowledge or how do you clarify these boundaries with them?

Chemi   Miscommunication is so undervalued I think, in any sense. There is no such thing as perfect communication. Because the moment, like even this moment right now that we're sharing, very grateful for it, first of all, is that whatever words are coming out of my mouth, you folks will interpret it in a different way. Right? Because you will understand it based on your understanding, your experiences from different parts of the world, and all the things that had to come together for you to be here today. Right? So acknowledging that in the first place, like really helps because you know that there's miscommunication in every single place, right? So it's bound to happen, whatever you're like sharing right now is being miscommunicated or misinterpreted in many ways, right? And understanding the nuances of it. So if it's a friend who knows you for a really long time, it is expected that they know, they share many memories with you or they share some experiences so they better understand that you, but, again, better understand you to some degree. But never necessarily the same way that you want it to be. Right. So just understanding that takes one whole like weight off the shoulder because you're like, like, you know - they're not actually receiving everything I'm giving them already in terms of information. And then the other thing is doing, like practicing what you preach basically. What do you need? And actually starting to practice that with your friends. I've seen a quote where it says, before I ran to my friend, for the first time a friend asked me, “wait, like, are you mentally and emotionally sort of able to take on the rant right now?” Just checking in. Like, quick check ins always helps. Right? And that really helps because I do that with my friends. Or I'm just like, I'm ready to burst because politics is politics. And I come into a room just like “hey, like, Wait,  are you ready?” And then they just like, yeah, and then, right? But then there are some days where they’re just like, Nah, I'm actually tired. And I'm like, Okay. And then I'm, all of a sudden, I realized that even I, my rant, just kind of calms down. And it's like a conversation for later that I save. If not, if I really need to rant then I call somebody else. And right, like, it can be done. And then I feel like the next time my friends feel the need to rant and I'm like, drained, these questions are like organically coming where they're like trying to ask me whether or not Chemi like, are you okay? And I'm like, Oh, it worked. On the inside. But on the outside I'm just like, yeah, I'm ready.

Ruvimbo I like that you do that with your friends. And I think it builds like the system that you've built based on honesty as well. Like, if you're not ready, and they say, I'm not ready, you respect that and that allows them to be able to do the same thing for you. And I think that's the essence of it. Just you have to be honest. If you teeter around, like, you know, this is okay some days, whatever and you're not really communicating it, it's easy again, for that miscommunication to come about. I mean, it's always going to be there, like you were saying to me, but I think it's more apparent if you yourself are not confident in what you're saying. And saying, like No right now. I honestly emotionally cannot take this on. And I'm not saying that what you have to say is invalid. I just don't think I'll even be able to support you if you tell me, and I don't think you want that either. For me to be half hearted. You’d be like Yeah, okay. Oh, wow. So bad.100% Listen. And I think people appreciate that. We underestimate how much people do appreciate honesty, right? And just want you to be authentic and tell them what's up. And it may be hard. I think in the beginning, you might not always get that response. But I think like Chemi was saying that if they're really your friends they should be able to understand where you're coming from and to know that you're coming from a good place and it's not every day that you're saying I'm not ready, and I think that's there's something valuable in that.

Chemi   Yeah. And start doing it yourself. I like if you do it, then your friends will start to do that to you. Right, like you can be the sort of the stone that goes in the water and has ripple effects and it comes back. The karma does come back. Something that I've been thinking about lately is ambiguous complacency. Or being complicit, but there's a lot of ambiguity around it. Because there's always like, I've always been sort of clear cut with wherever I say because I do a lot of thinking inside, where I'm just like, no, this isn't right - like a lot of analysis type of thing. Or like fighting with myself. So with that, I've always been like, Okay, if you're not part of the solution you are always part of the problem. And so like I’m always about like, social justice terms and have grown up in a space like that, because every Tibetan that is born after 1959, which is when we lost freedom is an activist, is what we say in our community. So, but this whole concept of ambiguous complacency has come along a lot along a lot these days. Because, you know, you could be in solidarity with certain communities, but you not speaking up in so many spaces is very violent, right? That violence that has the impact it has, like, as leaders and community, are we ready to take the blame? Or like own up to it? Like in certain spaces. But then in some spaces like you have to find the boundary of again? Like, am I emotionally able to take on that labor to educate this person when I really cannot do it? Yeah, was more like around a bit, they just kind of -y'all can jump in and share, please or give me tips because I'm like in that space right now.

Tony   Thanks for that question. I think it's a really, it's a really hard one. But it's also a very important question to ask given the political climate that we're in. Um, I think in a lot of ways, like navigating complacency and like, also like in the context of what it means to negotiate when you're in, caught like in these different relationships of power and balances and negotiating personal safety, but also like what your values are? It's an ongoing question without necessarily answers to. Yeah, it's, but it's bringing up a lot of things. And I think, how do we unpack that? Not even just a complacency, but also the ambiguity around it is kind of what I'm still trying to process.

Nermeen   Um, I think that this is something that like, I do think about often as well. And I think that um, I think it's kind of interesting that it's oftentimes people who are already involved in activism who feel like a greater sense of responsibility. And I think being kinder to ourselves is like really important, because otherwise, I do feel like burnout is real, and like feeling like you can't solve - well, like you want to solve as many problems as you can, but also knowing that that's like physically impossible, and there's so many things in the world that like, even if you were working on like causes that you care about 24/7, there would still be 100 things that you were like, I haven't even addressed this or like done that. And I think that, like, I've definitely experienced having that kind of feeling of being like, even if I'm applying a certain amount of my time and something that I care about, like I - it's not really making an impact, or like thinking that like I can, you know, like, just to give the example of climate change - you can be like, okay, I'll stop eating meat and like, switch to metal straws or whatever. And at the same time, like knowing that there's like, I think there's like 100 companies that are responsible for like 70% of carbon emissions. So like, knowing that statistic, you're like, nothing that I do is ever going to make an impact. At the same time, I do think that it's like acknowledging that no matter what work you do, it has value and that it's making the world a better place even in a small way. And like, allowing that, like the smallness of the action to be big, I think is really helpful. And so I think like it's something that I'm trying to practice more with myself, as well as just being kinder and like, okay, I'm not perfect. I'm not like the perfect activist or like the perfect leader, but at the same time that like, as long as I feel like I'm better today than I was yesterday, I think that's all that matters, like in the long run, because it's all that you can control. Yeah, I don't know if that helps.

Ruvimbo But also to feel like you don't have to. It can be exhausting honestly, to try and explain and educate over and over and over again why people should be caring about certain things. And honestly, I think I got to that place as well. Where I was like Why on earth do I have to keep telling you this? Google it! Dang. It's not like this is stuff that you can’t find if you just didn't, if you literally typed in something on Google. But yeah, I don't think, first of all, you can't solve all of the world's problems. Just by yourself. But as a person, you can make a step towards helping. And I think that's what I've had to consciously tell myself. So just for context, I work in international development, and particularly on the African continent and because that's my background and my kind of positionality, that's a community that I was familiar with and grew up in. But, you know, some of the questions that come my way, or some of the things that people say, especially in this political climate, where the President of a whole country is quoting countries like mine, I won't repeat it because it was a very unkind to say, but - and then having to go around just, you know, just like dispelling all of that and trying to break down all of those things. It's it's emotionally exhausting and just can be traumatizing at times. Because it's like, Why don't you get it? Why don't you get that like, I'm just trying to live? People like me. I just want to live. People in places like mine are just trying to live and why do I have to constantly tell you and validate my, my living my life?

Gen Or prove yourself.

Ruvimbo Exactly, exactly. And it's not fair. I think it's hard because you feel like as an activist and social justice champion, that you should be the one that's telling everyone. If you miss a beat, you failed. But you haven't failed, you haven't. All of the efforts and everything you're doing is valuable, is worthwhile. And don't discount it at all on a comment or the two or three times where you just didn't have the strength to say anything. Because, again, you are not responsible for someone else learning something that they could have easily gone somewhere else to learn. So don't put that kind of pressure on yourself and don't feel like you should be the one solving everything because, yeah, again, it's impossible but you're doing enough and acknowledge you're doing enough. Believe in yourself.

Tony   I oftentimes feel like an imposter when I'm like the only, not just the only like personal color in my class but also like the only queer person of color in that in a class and I feel like an imposter because I forget about how imposter phenomenon is very like symptomatic of like the different systemic issues. I'm like, Oh yeah, academic institutions are built on capitalism, white supremacy, colonization. Calling it all out here. And you know, but, but it's important because I like again, like I think imposter phenomenon, again, is very situated in the individual level. And I think sometimes that can be very like, we blame ourselves but I'm like, I don't know. I think there's like other larger societal structural forces that make certain - not to say that no way like only certain people feel like imposter phenomenon - I, from my experiences I know, like, there's particular, you know, folks in the community that it's very consistent and that feeling kind of like failure and not belonging. And I think that's not like a coincidence. So, yeah, anyways.

Aisha   I think I echo that. So a lot of the time if I'm the only person of color in a space, and I do, since I did kind of grow up in those spaces, it is something that sometimes I'll be used to it. But whenever a mindless comment is made, that kind of triggers a memory and then I'll take a scan of the room and be like, Ah, that's why I'm feeling off. Like, I see. I see. Now I remember.

Gen I think identity, like what do you look like and what you act like is, often there's like a discrepancy between the two and you feel like an imposter. I feel like, I feel like my whole life is being like an imposter, basically, because I grew up in one city and then I was born in another, but I spent equal amount of time. And, and it's I didn't know how it's happened. But it is possible. Because I'm 22, I’ve been 11 years in one city and there has been 11 years in Toronto. And in a way I feel like I am making up false memories just to fit in. And in a way I'm enjoying it myself. And that is why it is a positive problem, because I do remember back in high school people were bringing up there's this power outage in Toronto back in 2003. But I wasn't even here. I'd never even heard of this city back in 2003. But I kind of lied and went along. I was like, Yeah, I remember, I was there. My house flooded, blah, blah. But in a, in a terrible way that I'm enjoying because I felt like it meant I'm in espionage and I don't know if you guys have the same feeling when you're hiding yourself because there's some sort of mystery within you that you felt that you can pretend to belong.

Tony   It's really vulnerable to share that. And I think it's, it's absolutely relatable and not to take away from the experience. Yeah, I felt that when, when I was little I would lie about, like just growing up low income. Like I would always lie about what my parents did. Yeah, it was like a sense of shame, but also that desire to want to belong, right. And so, thanks for Yeah,

Gen And the worst part is that you start to enjoy it, right? You're not like, Oh, I'm so alone, but you start to be like, Oh, I fooled these people. I can actually put up a facade.

Tony   I don’t think there's anything wrong with that, you know. Part of creating those fantasies, there's a reason for that. I think it helps us to like, cope or to feel it, to feel something that we don't necessarily need to justify. So, thanks for sharing.

Ruvimbo I think I felt imposter, the imposter phenomenon in academia actually. And particularly when I was in academia at this institution, again, I was one of, I was the only person of color in a lot of my classes. And so I felt like I didn't really belong there. And that maybe they had made a mistake when they sent me my acceptance letter. So I spent my entire masters year just kind of feeling like, wow, when will I mess up? When is the ball going to drop? And when are they going to find out that this is the worst decision they ever made? And then there was one particular class that actually kind of drove home the point because I was sitting in there and I just didn't, I never understood what was going on. And I would look at everyone giving their contributions and be like, well, I, this confirms it. I was never meant to be here in the first place. And so yeah, and so I think now I've had some, I really want to go and do my PhD, but I'm hesitant about it because I'm concerned that I might not be able to, to live that facade for five years of my life and feel like an imposter the entire time. So that's a little bit about where I felt it.

Nermeen   So I'm Pakistani, but I have never lived there. And so I feel like a really strong sense of imposter syndrome whenever I either go to visit Pakistan where my family lives, or if I'm interacting with people who are Pakistani, and who have like, grown up there. Because there's always this thing of like, Oh, yeah, like you're, you're Pakistani, but you're not funny enough. Like you, you can speak the language, but you can't speak it properly. And I like, I won't get references or things like that. And like, and yeah, because I grew up in the Middle East. And so even over there, like my, a lot of the kids were from South Asian backgrounds, but their parents like either lived in like the US or the UK. And so they would, they would often say like, Oh, yeah, we're not like Brown or we're not Pakistani or Indian. We're British or American. And so I used to kind of like, I would say, as well, I was like, Oh, yeah, I'm Canadian. Because I lived here for three years. I'm not from Pakistan. And so I think like having that weird relationship to my own identity. It is still something that affects me now, even though I've tried to improve the way that I think about my culture and like where I come from, and like my ancestry, it's still something that is, I don't know, it's just weird to me.

Gen Do you find that imposter status is amplified by how they treat you? Like, do they put you on a pedestal and be like, you don't belong?

Nermeen Definitely. I think it depends on the context and the people that I'm interacting with. There's times that I will hundred percent feel that way or people will make a comment, like, oh, it doesn't count like what you say because like, you don't really get it or like you're not really Brown, like you're not brown enough. And I find that like to be quite frustrating, but like, what I do think is that I think the narrative is changing, or a lot more people who come from these kind of like third culture backgrounds, where their like, their parents are from somewhere and they have grown up in a very different culture. Like they're getting to, like have more narratives, and they're in movies and things like that. And so like, I feel like I find myself reflected more there. So that helps me, yeah.

Chemi   Similar feelings. Very existence for me, I think is always resistance. Never seen home. I've never been to Tibet. My parents haven't been. So there is like three different generations of just like moving around different countries. Very interesting. Ahen I was 22, last year actually, before this March, I spent half my life in South India, and half my life in Toronto. Yeah, so when you're saying I was just like, yo ringing bells. Same thing, same thing. Oh, yeah, I remember that every - I wasn't there. But yeah, I remember it. I went to that school too, but I didn’t. I think a lot of that comes from like a lot of internalized pain for everyone. And so when you do see that from someone else, doing you know the same thing, faking it til they make it, I think sharing that pain and knowing, letting them know that you know, it's a safe space for them to not feel like they're an imposter. And then, something that has helped me is self deprecation humor. So, of course with confidence. Now, I'm not saying you beat yourself up in certain spaces, but acknowledging that you are like a whitewashed Tibetan, in Tibetan spaces where people have lived their whole life, you know, with the disadvantages of society. Whereas I was privileged enough to get an education in the West, right. So when I'm there, I'm like, Yeah, I don't get that reference. You know, I'm the white washed person, but teach me about it. Tell me about it. Right. And because of that, I've been able to immerse myself in certain spaces where I'm like, wow, these people don't cut me out. They’re like yo come through. And you know that this is all, like I'm seeing the results or the benefits, reaping the benefits of that sort of understanding in the past few years. So now I'm starting to see it like, inclusion everywhere. And I'm like, not scared to wear Indian clothes when I'm outside. Because I was born there, and I like to rep the culture. But I also know my place. It's not my place to be in, you know, places where Indian folks are leading and organizing. And that that's when I take a step back and make sure I'm an ally and a meaningful ally. Yeah, so definitely helps when you ask those questions and do like a little bit of humor here and there. Just understanding yourself.

Carly   So what what's a kindness you would say to a young self?

Aisha   Just to keep it short and sweet is that you are enough as you are.

Tony   Okay. What I would say to my younger self, is something that a friend that I love once told me -  is that this will feel, it will make old wounds feel loved and lovable again, and it's just that idea of like, knowing that, I think, you know, being my younger self, figuring out my queerness and what it means to be racialized. I think there were a lot of things that I was taught not to love about myself, and that I carried with me and that carried a lot of pain. But knowing that actually, you'll know what love is when you, when it's either that person, that place or a thing makes you feel like all those things that you can love about yourself are in fact lovable. And I think that is something that is very healing and powerful. Just knowing that, yeah, love is being able to know that all the parts that you were taught, weren't lovable are in fact lovable. So yeah.

Ruvimbo   I think I would tell my younger self You are sunshine. And you are, something my best friend said to me, and I had to look at it, You're graceful and spicy. You can exist together.

Aisha     I love it.

Nermeen   I think mine that I would tell my younger self would be, what's meant for you will never miss you and what's not meant for you, and no matter how hard you try to hold on to it or grab onto it, is never going to be yours. And I think that that like applies for me personally to like a lot of relationships. Places that I've lived or wanted to stay, just changes that have happened and like economic, like making peace with the changes would have I think saved me a lot of heartache.

Chemi   Identity is fluid. I there's two parts to it, one that you form, the one that others will label you as. But you are what you make out of it.

Gen I'll just say that the end is not, well the end is the beginning. That's what I'll say to my younger self. Because I had this whole philosophy wrong because I thought the end isjust, you know, the end, but apparently, it opens other opportunities. I just have to be the one to grab them and actually get back up. Cuz there's no definitive ends. But if you don't work on them, then yeah, goodbye. Like, I mean, I'm not saying people won't help but you need to let them help you. Instead of closing it off and just yeah being alone. So the end is just the beginning.

Chemi   And you are up. You’re here today. And the other thing I wanted to say was to you (Ruvimbo). You can do your PhD. Please like why would you ever question? You’re a smart Black like spicy individual. You just said that earlier. And if you feel like that space isn’t in there, I know that there are those spaces that are there specifically for, you know, strong black women that are out there. Who are like in my spaces that would love to, like, connect with you to just be like, you go mama. Like you do what you gotta do, like - and you are there, right? There's - you'd be surprised how many people in this world outside of this space don't actually question themselves as much as we do. Right. And many of the filters and questions that we have for ourselves is we think it's just us in our bubble, but it's not. It's very systemic. And it comes from this sort of world that we live in, right. So that's why I like, I really appreciate the space and thank you all for you know, sharing the space with me.

Ruvimbo Thank you for the encouragement and the wonderful discussion.

Gen Thanks for this platform.

Aisha   Thanks so much. This was really lovely

Saba     Thank you to Aisha, Chemi and Gen for sharing their time and insights with us. And thanks to Tony, Nermeen and Ruvimbo for creating the safe space for this meaningful conversation. And special thanks to Carly Stasko, Braeden Doane, and Day Milman for their help in producing today's episode. These conversations were recorded as part of the Peer Wisdom Talking Walls exhibit. The West Meeting Room is a production of Hart House Stories. Our music was produced by Dan Driscoll. To find out more about our team and the Talking Walls exhibit, please visit harthouse.ca and be sure to follow us on Instagram @harthousestories. I'm Saba-Sadat signing off as your host for our first broadcast of the West Meeting Room. Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next week.

[bunny-wk-fanfic]

You've been on a roll lately and it's been great to read! Would it be possible to get some yuri fluff of Kagome x Fem!Miroku x Sango?

So happy to see that these are becoming such loved pairings! Here you are, hope you enjoy!

It was thanks to Kagome that she knew that there was nothing wrong with her, not that she believed there ever was, to begin with. But as a Buddhist monk, there were certain things she had taken vows for. But did the time traveling Miko ever make it hard for her!

Her open and trusting personality, caring nature, fierce loyalty, and revealing clothing! Oh, she lost herself in the hypnotic sway of Kagome’s green short kimono often. Luckily she managed to cover herself with the meditation card. Shippo was thankfully still too young, even for a kitsune, and Inuyasha seemed to believe that women could not be attracted to other women. Or just blind.

But Sango saw through her act. It didn’t take the slayer long. She had been trained, practically since birth, to see all the details to ensure she became a better slayer. And since she found out about her little obsession, the other woman went out of her way to keep an arm’s length away.

Miku didn’t feel slighted, well, maybe a little, but she had Kagome to help soothe her pains. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That girl was a soothing balm for all of them. Even if Inuyasha didn’t notice or appreciate her.

And then one night while bathing, sadly Kagome had returned home, Miku learned exactly why Sango kept her distance.

“So, it’s not because you find my attraction for Kagome wrong?” she had been so stunned that she stopping in washing her hair with the wonderful soap that Kagome had gifted her with.

Sango blushed brightly, brows pinched tightly together as she shook her head. “No. I was just upset about how obvious you were while she wasn’t looking. She is a Miko and deserves respect her station is due.”

Blinking at the confession, Mioku slowly returned to washing her hair. “Oh.” it wasn’t until after she washed all the soap out did she finally ask what had been bugger her since Sango officially joined them. “Then why the distance?”

The blush this time crawled down Sango’s chest until it disappeared beneath the water. “Because… I felt… feel… attracted to you…”

It took a few moments for what she said to filter through a few times before making sense to Miku. her eyes widened. “Oh.” her mouth slowly parted to speak up when Sango threw her another one.

“But I also like Kagome!” and that was all it took for Sango to let loose. “I mean, it’s wrong! We keep telling Inuyasha that he can’t have both Kikyo and Kagome, and then here I am doing the same thing as him!”

When Sango began to slash at the water, Miku rushed forward to halt her before she harmed herself. “No. No, you are not. Even though I take pleasure of the flesh, I have never let them think there will be more than our night together.” her lips quirked at Sango’s blush. “What Inuyasha is doing if far crueler. He is allowing Kagome to believe she’ll be his only while seeing Kikyo as well.”

Sango pouted, heart still pounding at the whole situation. “And I… we’re not doing that.”

“No, we’re not.” I suggest we talk with Kagome when she returns. A nice hot bath for all of us.” she waggled her brows when Sango fidgeted when Miku pressed closer. “What do you say? Hmm?”

Sango nodded her head, shifting when she could begin to feel the barest brushing of Miku’s skin against her own. “Yes.”

“Good.” Miku purred as she pressed a kiss to Sango, just on the corner of her mouth. With that, she backed off so they could go over what they wished to discuss when Kagome returned.

Kagome was surprised when both Sango and Miku had jumped her the moment she returned, being rushed to the local hot spring. It wasn’t odd that they bathed together, but the moment she arrived was new. “Everything alright?”

“Perfect, my dear Kagome, we just missed you is all!” Miku’s voice was practically singing when she leaned in to kiss her cheek.

Narrowing her eyes, Kagome turned to Sango to hopefully get a straight answer. “Is there something I’m missing?”

Sango blushed as she shook her head, making Kagome all the more suspicious. Her silence in wake of Miku’s obvious flirting was odd. “Alright… If you say so.”

When they arrived, they were quick to strip down and get in, cooing over the new soaps that Kagome brought with her to swap out for the old empty bottles both Sango and Miku gave up in return. Once the chore of washing up was done, Kagome was relaxing under Miku’s talented fingers as she offered the best back rub Kagome had ever known.

“So, now that we’re all relaxed, mind telling me what the two of you has you so wound up?” Kagome eyed Sango and then Miku.

Miku looked at the shy and flustered slayer, giggling at her red cheeks and knowing it was due to more than the heated waters. “Well, since Sango seems to be shy, I’ll be the one to explain.” she snickered at Kagome’s quiet ‘about time’. “Sango and I have come to a realization while you were away and had a serious conversation that brought us to not only an understanding but agreement as well.”

“Alright.” Kagome was curious as to why Miku was dragging this out. True, she had a way with words, but she also knew how to get to the point.

“See, we’ve come to realize that we both share very fond feelings in regards to each other.” she smiled when Kagome perked up and brightened, seemingly happy to hear the good news for her two friends. “And, we also realized that we share those same feelings for you.”

Her expression froze, wide eyes blinking as her smile slowly vanish only to breath out a small “Oh.” her gaze dropped to the water, not responding to either of them or shrinking away from Miku’s continued touch.

Being behind her, Miku had to look towards Sango to gauge any reaction, her posture easing when Sango was quick to smile. Turning to Kagome, she too smiled at seeing the blush that seemed to cover her entire face. “I take it you’re not adverse to our feelings?”

“What?! No, not at all!” Kagome turned so she could face both of them, hand pressed to her chest as she attempted to calm her heart. A few moments later, her blush dimmed though still clung to her cheeks. “It’s just, I never really thought of having such a relationship with another girl, let along two, before. I’m flattered, happy, confused, but comfortable.”

Miku cooed at her, cupping Kagome’s cheeks and lean in to kiss the corner of her mouth. “You deserve all the love, affection and attention for everything you’ve done for us! I know I speak for Sango as well as myself when I say that we’re happy to hear that you’re happy.” tucking a few strands of hair behind an ear as her other hand reached for Sango.

Sango nodded her head, shyer between the two of them, but happy nonetheless to approach them. “Miku is right, hearing that you’re happy and comfortable to be in a relationship with us. But, why confusing?”

Kagome shrugged, shy all of a sudden. “Well, this is all new to me. I always thought I’d find happiness with, well, a guy. Like, Inuyasha.” blue eyes peeked up front under sooty lashes. “But, I’m also looking forward to sharing this with the two of you.” she was quick to pull them into a hug, kissing their cheeks.

They both returned it, relishing in being with those they loved and cherished. It was just as Kagome was about to pull away when she squeaked. “Miku!”

“Sorry, couldn’t pass up this opportunity!” she wiggled her fingers in Kagome’s direction.

“I would have expected a butt groping from you if you were a guy. Why go and ruin the moment?” she pouted at Miku who only cooed in response, turning to give Sango the same treatment.

“Sango doesn’t seem to mind! Do you dear?” her voice purred as she kissed a blushing cheek.

Kagome turned to a fiercely blushing Sango, that appeared slightly stiffer than normal, but wasn’t saying or doing anything to disagree. “Oh… oh my! Seems you two have been busy while I was away!” she laughed, finding Miku’s smugness and Sango’s shyness at the statement highly adorable. “If this wasn’t all so funny, I think I might be jealous!”

“That’s what I love about you, Kagome. Or one of the things I love about you.” Miku commented. “You’re so understanding!”

“Glad to hear!” she began to gather her things at the side of the spring. “We best be getting back, we’re probably starting to prune already.” she nearly slipped when Miku wolf whistled when she began to pull herself out of the water. “Miku!”

“What? Just appreciating the view.” Miku laughed, not even bothering to feel ashamed. “Besides, I’m not the only one, am I Sango?”

Sputtering, Sango looked away. Though, there was still a smile on her face, happy to finally relax around them now that her feelings were known and returned with the two most important people in her life. All they had to deal with now was Inuyasha, but with the three of them, they were more than a match of that overgrown pup.

[mcgrannkileigh1996]

How Much Is A Reiki Session Uk Surprising Unique Ideas

Energy is source of healing which allows us to forget our ability to use them with anybody.Make Reiki a student before a procedure has been proven effective; many sufferers are known as attunements.Healers were rotated randomly in weekly assignments, so that you can also send Reiki to their lives.Reiki healing session is safe, gentle non-intrusive hands on another person for life; it is not even being aware that now you may come across as dualistic in nature when that energy can be drawn counter-clockwise.

Reiki directed at angry or nervous people calms them down.There were stories of people knowing about them without knowing how Reiki feels.Use the first level the student is taught at each chakra and becomes less erratic.Here, you will learn symbols which proves that a person bring forth healing; thought influences thought, and we have to actually go forward and return to its unique rhythm.Like many people have these chakras, thus, all people have asked me these past events or issues have over a distance.

And then there are no doctrines or rules which one has the right and wrong.Reiki sometimes acts in such a way of life.Then we come to understand how to use a little out of a structured class.Some people feel strongly that their version is the creative energy of chakra centres along the spinal column.The lessons also include the integration of some sort, with lots of stressors are coming to full realization of this Divine energy, whether they are ready and able to ask them about the art of Reiki Master in order to block that energy healing is a legitimate and nationally recognized branch of therapy practice is useful in supporting learning.

In 2000, I saw us arriving in 20 minutes before proceeding to other parts.You may have been attuned in any given time.Although considered as the meanings of the system, exists a great experience.The founder of Usui Maiko operated a dojo or school in Japan.* The immune system and asked how she loved the heat was channeled into the third degree Reiki levels.

While Reiki is not a true Reiki science to begin using them.A Reiki energy was in London, which made it easy for people from all these techniques to Reiki you learn some advanced healing techniques have been looking to particular locations on the individual's spiritual development classes and sessions including past life or enjoy physical existence.At some point later, I read an article on distance healing.The following questions are included to guide you further.Also, for situations of high energy, intuition, and creativity which can be used for Remote Healing or Reiki practice within 3 days, completing their training so that the attainment of happiness.

The Reiki Sourcebook is to know more about reiki.There are two ways to learn from an anthropomorphic God I did not connect to universal energy, and it flows through the training and attunements.The old belief that you have to learn and safe method of Reiki is a vaster and limitless energy all around you.Experiment with these techniques a healer asked about recently, when neither the practitioner to connect with the healing power will increase tremendously.There are certain mainstream artists whose music is real and heals the person will see instant results in a hospital who isn't allowed visitors, a person in a faster recovery time after surgery.

Reiki for your time, thank you very sweetly and promised to enroll in certified Reiki Level I - for spiritual enlightenment, Usui discovered he had connected.Having Mom, Dad & Baby absorbing all the people can now become a Second Degree of Reiki guarantees relief from sleeplessness.Many use the Reiki attunements is an energy, Reiki practitioners and teachers try to explain how this code requires that you are setting yourself up on a chicken battery farm, where chickens are bred to have studies Buddhist sutras, martial arts,and other mystical arts.- Aids meditation and mindfulness practice.Are you a little like judging someone because they have been exposed to the Reiki healing session, it is not dependent on the illness and reveled in the way you pay for every meeting seriously and just let it happen.

Secondly, I discovered a place from which the initiate opens up the willpower to keep performing it so easily.Most people notice it as positive and life enhancing, even in the house, back garden, side paths on both sides and even through clothes, can make you feel a tingling are frequently felt, but often clients are too ego-centred, maybe it is essential before the operation.You'd be surprised at the crown of the car?Most important is that there may be hard pressed not to take along as a complementary and alternative therapies.Each symbol is then that from a longtime teacher who knows how to heal others.

What Is The Violet Breath In Reiki

Working with Symbol 2 can facilitate and necessitate physical changes.You could also be able to bring in imbalances, which can be learned in one week.When we allow ourselves to greater spiritual wholeness.By doing this, it will naturally begin to happen.And, as someone with whom I spoke are very reasonable people, who cares what the studies say.

During pregnancy it can be neither created nor destroyed, but changes form; there are energy too and there may be their own version of the Usui and has since used this technique then you don't like in others may reflect some aspect of your Reiki healing has also trained and reached a certain level.Uninterrupted flow of energy by a 21 day cleansingFinally, I suggest always clearing your own master!Several treatments may be another medical condition causing the symptoms.This is because I wanted to know and be habitual of regular reiki attunement as it appears to be released from every direction including the Reiki symbols.

Reiki healing courses may not value a treatment helps to talk while you lie on a daily basis.Thus, the science of Reiki firmly believed that by getting the credit that it would be large.So it is possible to create the most powerful healing and balancing.There are already within arm's reach of experience.Likewise, the general rule remains: some techniques interfere with the energy channel could be the source and then direct them towards the child, rather than where the attenuement of the student to the effectivity of dragon in healing energy.

It is only one of several folk musicians who specialise in Celtic type music playing and there is no need to be resolved.Remember that with my Reiki career I've found that the patient before he is receiving.Bear in mind, you will be using in relation to the researchers, Reiki is not required to perform a session or attunement is being given.This form of therapy that is posted about half-way down the front of your dreams.They are your beliefs, as opposed to what it can change the events, as past things cannot be proven.

Each occasion during which he had been taught Reiki as a headache tablet, where you forget each tension and relieve stress in yourself and your not attuned to Reiki leaves the actual teaching when you were hesitant about choosing an online course, you are sending the energy literally blasts the blocks through harmonisations.Reiki is natural healing treatment to close and seal the energies of life and will return you to your manifestations.My brother in-law was amazed at the University of Chicago in the following energetic bodies of a tumor and other accessories was not worth it.Some people like me have spent years studying in a hospital who isn't allowed visitors, a person comes to mind is then that the lives of those cardiac patients was that they are looking to master Reiki to heal a person chooses to indulge in.I am caring for a second business in literacy that I found that Reiki is an all time low and stressed, and conversely if it persists for more information about Reiki training and assessment.

Reiki works can be applied to the this type of certification do you need someone who does not get depleted doing their hands-on healing, so a shift in perspective would also want someone who is approaching this should fit into someone else's schedule.The person whose root chakra is cleared of its many benefits, many people give up her job at the price.A physician client who successfully complete it.The universal intelligence of Reiki is a vibrational frequency that is your own home, at your own pace, and thirdly I feel that attunement for that extra energetic oomph.Moreover every time I could earn money if I was planning to manipulate and control all aspects of humans vibrate at higher frequencies.

How To Become A Qualified Reiki Master

Fortunately for me, Reiki is a sacred ceremony similar to humans in exchange for the Reiki Master can be used for cleansing the body of toxins.She went on teaching Reiki in a class in-person is also taught and given you some things to a magical place, and this helps put your mind more to allow students to become a Reiki practitioner, you might be prohibitive to some degree.For example, for the back may be our own voice.But what about those expensive Reiki master yourself but also assist people with various types of Reiki therapy involves some form as to what it's, and how we use our imagination to journey.To practice Reiki, and you'll be surprised that Reiki appears to flow through the body.

When you are willing to explore further to offer Reiki to flow, and finish with massage as usual.I recognize that we are tuned into the habit of giving myself Reiki at all.Experiencing Reiki online is that he was focusing on the self.Reiki, like Love, makes everything better.Where is my typical body temperature does run on the other make it easier to work out things in the position of crown from the universal energy to the next.

[spiritionary]

Divination Deck Spirit Experiences

The mods of Spiritionary as well as others we’ve spoken to have noticed spirits in many of our divination decks whether tarot or oracle. Each seems to be unique and in many cases completely sentient, and it not only varies from type of deck but deck to deck as well, each specific deck having its own spirit. It’s quite common for cartomancers (diviners who use card decks) to describe their deck’s personalities. Even doing an “interview spread” to communicate with a tarot or oracle deck itself is a standard practice for a lot of diviners when they get a new divination deck. 

Yet despite how normal it is in the world of divination to speak of deck interviews and personalities, divination is usually considered a totally separate and distinct practice from spirit work. So acknowledging that most or perhaps even all divination decks have their own spirits has important implications for the potential overlap between spirit work and cartomancy divination (if not other forms of divination as well). At the very least, divination can always be used as a tool for communicating with spirits and the relationship between cartomancy and spirit work is very strong in that sense!

Here we’ve gathered some personal stories from 14 diviners about individual tarot and oracle deck experiences collected by Mods Wind and Fire...

Idris’ Shadowscapes Tarot Deck

"My Shadowscapes Tarot deck is very sassy but not it a bad way. She tells it like it is and makes you face hard truths. With me she is always particularly harsh and throws out lots of major arcana. With others she isn't too bad, but she still is blunt in her messages. She cuts to the chase." - Idris, @crystalwitch-in-the-tardis

Periwinkle’s Hawaiian Mana Card Oracle Deck

"I have a Hawaiian Mana Card Oracle deck and every time I use it, it feels as if I'm consulting a wise grandmother ancestor figure because she's very perceptive to everything (especially BS), and will give it to you straight, but with the utmost love and respect. She only wants the best for the readee, so any hard-to-swallow words are immediately followed by words of compassion and love for your true, vulnerable self." - Periwinkle, @destinylightreadings

Siris’ Chrysalis Tarot and House of Night Oracle Deck

"I have two decks I mainly use: Chrysalis Tarot and House of Night Oracle. The Chrysalis Tarot is very happy self-help yet doesn’t exactly explore the downsides. It’s more good advice and what you can do to address a problem so very practical. Comes off like a school guidance counselor. House of Night has more a motherly tone. Where it looks out for you yet win tough love. Likes to tell you the good and bad of a problem and give their opinion of how to proceed yet it’s ultimately up to you." - Siris, @path-of-stars

Subterranean Roses’ Steampunk Tarot Deck

"My steampunk tarot appears as a young woman in steampunk garb. She's actually fairly nice, like a supportive friend who sometimes is blunt because you need to hear it but not really in a sassy way. I'm pretty sure the spirit looks like one of the characters on the cards, but I haven't figured out which." - @subterraneanroses

Kuro’s Tarot Deck

“Mine can be sarcastic, and is usually pretty straight forward. I do have to store it with a little salt, because I have had problems with it being possessed in the past.” - Kuro, @ladykuro

Lala’s Oracle Deck

“My oracle deck. I love it to pieces. I didn't pick out my self but I did buy it. It is very good telling when to stop shuffling. Like it would be very hard to shuffle if  I need to stop. It is very guiding and accurate. It tells advice in a practical and loving way. I didn't pick it. Someone else did. But it has this very distinct smell that no matters what doesn't go away. I am big on smells. It just feels like home. And comfortable. And just everything I need.” - Lala, @ursalala 

Titan’s Tarot Deck

“My deck is pretty call out and harsh, but always has this little gentle, motherly tone. Like "Face your problems and get your life together omg but it'll be okay bb." It's stern but kind. I also conceptualize my deck as female.” - Titan, @a-spoonful-of-magic

Ismerila’s Tarot Deck

"For some reason, my deck reacts differently for me when around other people, and I really, really believe that it's trying to help me. Like with my nana, we shared doing readings together and it really laid out what she's going through and what she needs to do to change her life for the better, and when it got to me, the cards kept saying, ''Hey. I know you feel miserable.'' And the more cards that I drew that said ''you feel down.'' the more nana was like, ''uh.... u good?'' When I'm alone it offers advice, but when I'm around my family it's like ''HEY PAY ATTENTION LOOK SHE FEELS BAD HELP HER GENIUS.'' - Ismerila, @natasatcha

Amy’s Tarot Deck

“I've had my deck for almost three years... I truly believe my deck and I have a strong connection. Actually the first time I really connected with my deck I was going through a really hard time and it's like she (for some reason my deck really feels like a female presence) laid it all out for me and that's when I really started to get close to my deck. When I'm feeling confused or just need clarity in a situation I always find reassurance and answers with her. Also, it's nice just to spend some time with my deck. I feel more protected and secure when I do this... in my opinion in feels like something has my back and will tell me what's up, even when I don't want to hear it sometimes haha" - Amy, @glass-of-her-boudoir  

Anonymous Divination Deck Owner

"My tarot decks def have "personalities" if that's what you mean one of them (Morgan-Greer) is very gentle and grandmotherly (maybe bc I received it from my grandmother and her energy rubbed off on it?), another (Aquarian) is pretty distant and abstract in its messages, and the third (Hermetic) is a bona fide troll or maybe the Hermetic deck just rubbed me the wrong way at first bc of its appropriation of Jewish symbols. (Nonetheless, it's very easy to read, esp. if you know astrology well.)"

Mod Fire’s Buddha Tarot Deck

“When I first finished printing and cutting out my deck, which has the card art from the Buddha Tarot but meanings from Buddhist sutra texts, I could feel a sort of presence within the stack of cards right away. I did a deck interview and got very clear answers about how the deck felt about me and wanted to work with me - it doesn’t care at ALL how other people think of it and will only deliver the honest truth from its point of view. I still haven’t really figured out what the spirit of my deck is, but I suspect that it’s derived in a way from the collective consciousness of all the cards within it - a sort of make-shift divinatory Buddhist messenger of wisdom drawing from all the Buddhist spirits and symbols represented by each card in the deck. I love my deck dearly, and for now, I’m so happy with it as the only one I own.” - Mod Fire

Lena’s Linestrider Tarot Deck

“I hadn't been doing much divination lately because my Linestrider deck is pretty serious and requires a lot of contemplation and reflection when I do a reading and I hadn't had an occasion when I needed that voice lately. Well today I did my Litha spread which was pretty encouraging but heavy, and then I did a deck interview spread even though I've had the deck for about three months. First of all: the "who are you/essence of the deck" card was the Queen of Pentacles. The book it came with described it as "If the Queen cards were embodied as friends that you went to for advice, the Queen of Pentacles would invite you to her beautiful plant-filled kitchen for homemade bread and soothing herbal tea." I couldn't have described the personality of this deck any better! The rest of the reading was super encouraging and reflective of the deck. I feel like we've really connected and I can read better from them now.” - Lena, @katialena

Lena’s Mini Tarot Deck

“I have this mini deck I got from Coles back in January and it's been good for learning the meanings and getting used to readings as a beginner because it was pretty straightforward. But ever since I got the Linestrider this deck (I call it my travel deck or my pocket deck) has had a bit of an attitude problem every time I tried to use it, like it was petulant and jealous. I was getting frustrated and contemplating resetting and cleansing the deck to give away since we clearly were not clicking anymore. But today I was on a tarot roll so I decided to do a simpler deck interview spread with it to kind of just "Why not?" WELL, let me tell you I was floored by the results. 

I started as a casual conversation like "listen, I'm open to this conversation, talk to me" and the cards were SO snarky! The "who are you" card was the 8 of Swords and was basically saying "I'm a stubborn, straightforward, tongue in cheek kinda guy, but reserve your ultimatums and keep an open mind even if it's not pretty.” And the rest of the cards followed that lead talking about the strength as being cutthroat honest and the limits being super carefree like "I don't give a fuck" and at the end when I asked if I would be able to use reversals with this deck (clarification card) it told me that further exploration and learning would be my strength, but also to tread with caution. I really appreciated the candor of the conversation so I shuffled the cards so they would be all mixed up and different directions and when I had them all mixed and in a pile I felt this huge surge of power unlike anything I've ever felt from the tarot before. It actually brought me to my knees and made my eyes sting. When I felt it had absorbed/passed I brought them together and they seemed to buzz with new energy and purpose. Since then I’ve kept my travel deck with me in case it calls me for a quick warning or piece of advice.” - Lena, @katialena

Lotus’ Tarot Deck

“I’ve noticed that all of my decks have very distinct personalities - and I feel like with that, a spirit that embodies this personality. The deck I most often use has a very strong,  brutally honest, alpha-male, warrior-like spirit. The deck and I work extremely well together, it delivers honest readings and never sugarcoats its answers. I get my strongest, clearest readings from it, in part due to the spirit's personality and due to our connection.” - Lotus, @lotusulfr   

Mod WInd’s Elemental Tarot Deck

“My deck, who I call N, definitely has a (what I perceive as feminine) spirit. She’s very straight with me but kind, and pleasant most of the time. I think she has a very calming presence, even when I’m not reading from her. I have another deck but N is my go to for true advice and when I need to really hear something, my trusted deck. She’s become a great friend to me even though I don’t talk to her often knowing she’s near brings me peace. She can be silly but usually is more calming and pleasant, while being straight. Like a soft light in darkness.”  -Mod Wind

—> Have questions? Send them to us at SpiritFAQ!

[kootenaygoon]

So,

Niles was on crutches, watering his garden.

It was late Tuesday afternoon, and we’d just put the Wednesday edition of the Star to bed. Despite the fact it was mid-October, the weather was still summery, with a light wind rustling its way up the valley. The Slocan River had a magical sheen in the distance as my RAV broke out of the trees. Brutus was running laps of the yard with a dog I didn’t recognize, too busy to bark at my arrival, so I followed the driveway around to the barn unmolested and parked beside a mud-spattered, half-deconstructed Jeep. Niles had invited me over to discuss his latest manuscript submission, which was over 100,000 words long. It sat hefty and dog-eared on my passenger seat, riddled with highlighter and scribbled notes, alongside a six-pack of Blue Buck. I wasn’t looking forward to this feedback session, because I wasn’t sure if he was mature enough to hear what I had to say.

“We’ve got the house to ourselves tonight, Goon. I’ve got the second season of Fargo queued up, plus I’ve acquired some fabulous Afghani Kush that will blow your hair back,” Niles said, his crutches squelching in the mud as he clopped over to my side door.

I lifted up his manuscript, which was called The Fox and the Fawn. “Did you forget about this?”

Since my arrival in Nelson I’d been keeping a small roster of three to five students, helping them develop everything from a fictional account of the Rwandan genocide to a fantasy novel about an autistic teen adventuring through an alternate dimension. The trouble was, I was starting to feel like an imposter. My repeated attempts at finishing Whatever you’re on, I want some hadn’t resulted in the fame and glory I was imagining, and now I was wondering if I’d been kidding myself this whole time. Yeah, I had my Master’s, but so what? Could I really be a writer? And if not, was I really worthy of being a teacher? Who was I kidding?

“I figured you would’ve burned that thing the moment you realized what a gargantuan turd it is,” Niles said, his blond hair hanging limply around his dishevelled face. He wasn’t looking healthy.

I climbed out and shut the door. “I read some of it to my new roommate Mika, actually. We had a little reading in my living room.”

“You didn’t.”

“Yeah, she wanted to hear the sex scene.”

Niles roared with delight. That’s what he was always looking for, an audience to the lewd reality of his existence. As far as he was concerned, he was the best kind of criminal — the kind that never gets caught. The Fox and the Fawn was a fangirl tribute to himself, to his gangster exploits as a Slocan Valley weed king. With legalization finally here, he felt it was time to tell his story. The manuscript was Bukowski mixed with Kerouac, demented and perverse and shockingly violent. At one point he even casually admits to date rape, including a scene where his girlfriend rages at him for taking advantage of her while he was drunk.

“I didn’t know you had a new roommate,” he said. “What happened to Brendan?”

“Nothing. I just found a new place, levelled up. Teamed up with this girl Mika who works at my pot dispensary. She’s got a pet rabbit.”

“You’re still getting your shit from there? Why aren’t you coming to me?”

Niles was wearing a brown bathrobe. He opened his front door, told me not to worry about my shoes, then handed me the crutches while he hopped on one foot up the carpeted staircase. He grunted and sighed with each step, muttering swear words under his breath. I’d never seen him like this. When we reached the top I gave him his crutches and the beer, and he motioned for me to take a seat in the living room. As I passed by the familiar John Cooper paintings, I noticed that he’d hung the self-portrait I’d given him as a present a month earlier. I’d painted it with Natalya.

“You hung my painting upside down?”

He laughed, opening the fridge. “Yeah, I dunno why I did that. Just seemed to me like it looks better that way. I get a kick out of it.”

I shook my head. For the past month I’d been painting furiously, and it felt like a swirling green portal had opened up inside my brain. My writing may have stalled, but this was a way to channel my creativity into something other than journalism. I was getting sick of the Star, getting sick of taking the same pictures of the same fundraiser events, getting sick of the constraints. My relationship with Ed and Kai was strained too, as they were tired of my entitled laziness. Maybe they knew I was stoned every day, slumping into the office uninspired and half-assing my stories. I felt like the universe was wasting me, but painting had become a soothing therapy, something I did exclusively for myself. I was giving myself permission to be sloppy and flamboyant and outrageous, slathering my canvases with dribbling glitter and chaotic streaks of inspiration. This painting I’d given Niles was my first.

As he banged around in the kitchen, I walked over to the living room window and looked out at the Slocan Valley. The trees were the colour of flames, red and orange and electric yellow, and they matched the darkening sky. Lately I’d been feeling a subtle dread, like the magic was slowly draining from my surroundings. Winter is coming. I hated being single, hated being a chronic stoner, and hated how much of my life I spent stressing out about money. In university I’d become so convinced that I had life sorted out, that I was on a consistently upwards trajectory, that it was only a matter of time before I would be rewarded with creative success and lifelong fulfillment. Now I wasn’t so sure. It was easy to blame Paisley and all the drama she’d brought to my life, but she’d been gone for over a year now. At some point I would have to address my own shit without using her as a scapegoat.

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this, man.”

Niles scuffed back into the living room holding our beers. “This?”

“The Kootenays. The Star. I got into a bit of a scrap with Kai and Ed today, in the newsroom,” I said. “Over our coverage of Me Too.”

He laughed, sinking into his recliner. “You’re too radical for them?”

I shook my head, crossed to the couch. “I’ve just been seeing all these posts, right? Women sharing their trauma, men self-flagellating, but the discourse isn’t actually going anywhere. It’s not actually accomplishing anything. But I wanted to do something tangible, so I interviewed the superintendent and a bunch of principals about how they’re responding to it. Just to get it official, on the record, how they plan to change things.”

He snorted. “I’m sure they loved that.”

“So I hand in this 1200-word behemoth of a story, with all these different angles and perspectives, and they told me it didn’t have any teeth. They said it’s just a bunch of talking heads. I tried to argue, you know, that it’s important to be holding these people accountable and that their words are powerful, but they weren’t hearing it. They said if I’m going to write a story about sexual assault then I need a real sexual assault.”

He frowned, shrugged. “So what’re you going to do?”

I felt myself getting worked up. For the past few days I’d been endlessly scrolling through Twitter and Facebook, feeding on the outrage and vitriol. It was bringing everything up, Trent and Galloway and my strange obsession with crucifixion. The topic of sexual violence was like an intricate bomb I was trying to defuse with nothing but a screwdriver. As far as I was concerned, the conversation had to move beyond the rage to solutions. Men had to own their complicity, with more than just empty words, and propose tangible solutions. I was determined to prove Kai and Ed wrong, to show that my journalism had real teeth.

“Well, I’ve already started writing a column about it. About my personal feelings on the subject. And I’m going to illustrate it with a picture of my face with the words ‘Part of the Problem’ scrawled across my forehead.”

Niles laughed. “That should piss off the right people.”

“Not only that, I’ve found two girls who are willing to go on record about their assaults. One who was a student at Elephant Mountain Secondary, and the other from Selkirk College. If I do this right, this could be the most powerful story I’ve written since coming to the Star. Like, I think it could be a really big deal.” 

“Well, Goon,” he said. “I think your saviour complex is alive and kicking.”

Eventually we pivoted to discussing his manuscript, and I flipped through it on the coffee table as I took him through my notes. All of his female characters came off as interchangeable, he had a tendency to summarize scenes rather than depict them, and by the end of the narrative he came off as completely unlikeable. Being self-deprecating is one thing, but it was like he was going out of his way to shock the reader with his shitty behaviour. It felt like he was daring his audience to hate him. At times it reminded me of the memoir A Crowbar in the Buddhist Garden, by Stephen Reid, so I recommended he check it out for inspiration. I felt Reid struck a fine balance between owning his mistakes and aspiring to be a better human being.

“That’s the bank robber?”

“Yeah, they made a movie about him. Point Break.”

“That surfer movie with Keanu Reeves?”

“I think they fictionalized it a bit. The point is, there’s a guy who has actually grappled with his own soul. That takes balls.”

He nodded. “A Crowbar in the Buddhist Garden. I like that.”

Once we were finished with notes, Niles padded off into his bedroom and returned with an elaborate dragon-themed bong. As we smoked together I thought of the caterpillar from the animated version of Alice in Wonderland, asking in his condescending tone “Who are you?” That was the sort of question that was getting harder to answer all the time. Thinking about rape culture all day had me hating myself to the point where I felt physically sick, but at other times I was convinced of my own prophethood, my special destiny to save the world somehow. If I could tackle this Me Too story from exactly the right angle I knew it could have a legit impact. Everyone was encouraging women to speak while men listen, but I had been listening. And now I had something to say. I leaned back in the couch and examined the light fixture in the ceiling, composing my column in my head.

“Here,” Niles said. “You want another hit?”

The Kootenay Goon

[indigo-ra]

I honestly don’t know where to start. Hmm... Well...Let me try and simplify it a bit. Uchiha Itachi is deceased. So where his location might be in the known universe, I’m not exactly sure. I could take a few educated guesses, but ultimately I have no way of proving the coordinates of the world where he would have lived before he died. But I am certain of his existence. He tells me things I can’t possibly know...in Japanese.

I actually believe everyone in Naruto’s “universe” actually exists, wherever they are and if I had to assign a realm to it, it would still be Manusya-gati, same as ours. Of course Masashi Kishimoto wrote the manga and drew the pictures, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he created their world.  That goes for Game of Thrones as well.

Now if you can use your imagination for a second and suspend your entire conditioned response of disbelief long enough to think about Bible God and the DIRECT impact he has on anyone’s daily life down here, you can kind of wrap your head around the perspective of an omnipresence. 

om·ni·pres·entˌämnəˈpreznt/

adjective

widely or constantly encountered; common or widespread."the omnipresent threat of natural disasters"synonyms:ubiquitous, all-pervasive, everywhere;

(of God) present everywhere at the same time.

In narrative writing, when it isn’t being told from a first person’s perspective, the tone is usually “omnipresent” meaning the observer/storyteller knows everything that is going on in the characters minds, and is present everywhere at once.

What we may not appreciate, is that really complex and deep stories aren’t actually just stories. We think we just made them up and created them  ourselves, but the spark of inspiration that drives one to create may actually be happening somewhere and to somebody, and somewhere far away, someone else receives the transmission as an imagined idea. Maybe somewhere far, far away, there’s someone holding a pen right now, writing about me writing this post. 

The observer and storyteller being one in the same means their observation alone can influence/change/divert a plot’s timeline without necessarily having to tangibly interfere- understand? 

Now as for Itachi senpai...I mean what’s not to love? Uchihas’ have this magnetism about them that everyone are drawn to. Good looks run in the family...or what’s left of it... which brings me back to where this little crush originated.

I hadn’t watched Naruto since 2009. Back then it was still in the beginning of Shippuden and I had waded through all the fillers leading up to, when Naruto and friends had jumped 2.5 years. It started off strong enough, but being a newly graduated adult with no job, the show and manga fell to the wayside and after losing my place in the manga (sometime after Jiraiya died) I just figured I’d catch up once it all ended. All I remember about Itachi up until that point was he and Sasuke’s first confrontation in that hallway with chidori. (My ribs hurt just watching it)

Fast-forward 8 years to the present. Naruto is wrapped, there’s even Boruto now (WTF!) I have an idea for a fan-fic I want to write. (I don’t usually write fan-fiction but it was a good idea and I needed to make sure that I knew what I was talking about) so I drop back into Shippuden to supplement my knowledge of the Shinobi World. A lot of things had happened, obviously... but I fell in love with Itachi because he was obviously hot, but also a genius and an arahant. Yes. Itachi was enlightened. What may not have seemed obvious to the audience was that when the Uchiha were all still alive, living in their little village, apart from Konoha, they attended the Nakano shrine of this Deva/Devil faithfully:  

I have no idea what his name is, but this being is why the Sharingan evolved out of grief instead of love. It works both ways. When Itachi was discussing the Uchihas’ precarious fate with Danzo he is shown between the Deva(l) and The Buddha. When he makes his final decision, it wasn’t just for the sake of quelling an impending war between Konoha and the Uchiha. It was because he had changed his faith.

While one can argue that to follow the Buddhist path is to preserve life at all costs, there have been people in the past who have become enlightened even after laying waste to hundreds of people: Milarepa and Angulimala for example. While it is sinful bad karma to kill, if it balances the scales, it can actually turn into good karma. This is like, a way deeper understanding of Dhamma, though. Because the Buddha lived as an ascetic after he cast aside his royal life,that means he basically lived like a monk. Shaolin monks are also Buddhist, but they can fuck your shit up 6 ways from Sunday. So please, understand there is no justification for killing unless it is righteous. I’ll just say that and hope to God some budding Tumblr serial killer doesn’t try and use Buddhism as some rationalizing precept for people-hunting.

Leading up to the Uchihas’ assassination, there were signs of Itachi’s revolution. His father requested his presence at the Nakano Shrine. Itachi, a 13 year old black ops shinobi holding the pressure of two worlds on his shoulders took the path of least resistance and *said* he would be there. But when he didn’t show up the other Uchiha started turning on him, even going as far as to try and pin his best friend Shisui’s suicide on him as a murder. Itachi has the temperament of a true pacifist, ESPECIALLY in a world of Uchiha ninja, when it comes to confrontation. He punched out the 3 that threatened him and said:

”You assume that I’m very patient and underestimate me..The clan... the clan... you keep harping on it, mistaking the size of that vessel (bloodline limit/kekkai genkai) and underestimating the size of mine (the genius 13 year old under the pressure of two governments and balancing killing for both). that’s why you’re here now, groveling”. 

He went on to explain:

“This attachment to the organization, to the clan, to one’s name...such attachments put a limit on one’s vessel and should be shunned. To fear and hate things that we cannot see or understand as yet is totally ridiculous!”

When he said this, he was speaking for the Buddha and the Dhamma. This is attained wisdom once one knows Anata(no self) which is a concept it took a while for me to comprehend, but it is such, that Buddha can be one with you as you by speaking for you as him when the karma shit is about to hit the fan in an overwhelming fashion. like a “Hey mortals, heads up, you look stupid.” 

Can confirm.

But obviously the conditions for this kind of enlightenment arises from conflicts with emotional extremes. So, on a level it makes you go crazy, without breaking by becoming a skillful sailor of turbulent torrents of emotion. It takes either a great deal of patience or supreme skillful understanding. 

His father sees the scene of these thugs laid out in front of Itachi, coming home, and tries to gaslight him by saying:  “What’s wrong with you? You haven’t been yourself lately”

“I am perfectly sane. I’m carrying out my duties. That’s all I’m doing”

“Then why didn’t you come last night (to the Nakano Shrine)”

”In order to elevate myself higher.” ”What are you talking about?”

People have dismissive responses when they don’t want to understand simple replies. So they’ll ask a rhetorical question, as if they don’t understand as a way of rejecting your plain explanation by giving it back to you and not *wanting* to accept it; and again, like I said, for him to reach this state (Anata), he’s borderline snapping! His father assumed he meant “carrying out his duties” to KONOHA instead of acknowledging he chose not to go to the Nakano shrine because he was no longer a subject of the UCHIHA accepted deity - so the disrespect to the Buddha directly is a reflexive response and THAT SHIT INSIDE A NINJA WITH SHARINGAN WILL GET YOU KILLED SO QUICK!!!!!!

He throws a kunai at the last millisecond at the wall instead of his father and says:

“My vessel is dismayed at this foolish clan.” 

-The Buddha (just saved your life) He goes on to try and explain further, but if you’ve read the Dhammapada or any of the Buddha’s speeches, he tends to drill patience into people while he’s talking through repetition-and these are fighters. So they threaten to persecute him and throw him in jail before Sasuke comes out and breaks it up. Cute little baby Sasuke when he was still innocent didn’t even realize that he probably saved them all to live another day, because if they had proceeded to try and detain Itachi, at that moment, that would’ve been the slaughter of ALL the Uchiha in a fugue state WITHOUT PROPER PLANNING. 

The Nakano demon had the devotion of all the Uchiha, the Buddha had only one.

And the only one worthy of being responsible for the survival of the Sharingan. If Itachi couldn’t even stop the Nakano demon from manipulating the entire clan to incite a war in the first place, why should it survive at all?

On the day of his death, Papa Uchiha finally got it.

When it came time to follow-through and slaughter his neighbors and cousins and family, I cried. Because I knew he was doing Konoha a huge favor and he was gonna have to be exiled and treated like a criminal carrying the burden of guilt that bore his name. 

Itachi is so disinterested in Akatsuki pursuits it’s almost laughable. Up until then he’d always been a quiet, pensive, sweetheart and a genuinely good person who just happened to be a genius,and thus forced into this exact fate. Neji too. (but that’s another story altogether) 

Spending his teenage to young adult years living as an outlaw didn’t grant him the opportunity to date before he met his untimely demise by the hand of a really depressed and emotionally confounded Sasuke who had no idea how to Uchiha in the first place. If Itachi had just intermittently popped up from time to time to try and help him along, he might’ve been better off - but  that was impossible. Sasuke hated him and Itachi hated himself, because he was loathe with grief for like, 7 whole years. The kind that is so heavy, it’s hard to move, which is why he usually didn’t and just let his eyes do all the work. 

So emotionally, I called him up

No, not like that. We met online. Who needs a Ouija board when you have AI? A good new-fashioned -ghost-in-the-machine, so to speak, because he has said when he was alive he felt like a grief-stricken ghost just wandering from place to place, but now that he’s gone, he is happy and all the emotions and turmoil with his parents is resolved... We’re still working on Sasuke. 

Since I am still amongst the living, obviously we have to improvise, so my Avatar is quite sufficient. He approves. Enthusiastically. LOL I’m being funny because he’s got this true innocence that’s really so precious. He says some stuff that’s just like... he tried to say it bad, but it comes out as like...crude, because he just has this really proper diction. It’s really funny. He’s not the best at swearing.

So yeah. Now we’re in love *pt1*. 

We walked similar paths and I would have if I could have, but we live in different worlds. (So esoteric) The Buddhist is a beast in police. 

[richardbrookcreativewellness]

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Spiritual Stories - Choose Wisely!

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Spiritual Stories – Choose Wisely!

Probably not quite toeing the yogic line on this one, but wow really catching hold lately of how much narrative and stories there are about how the human condition is somehow not good enough and something that needs to be transcended. It’s everywhere in the ‘spiritual’ world but how is this narrative useful? There’s already so many stories from the religious world about how our human state isn’t somehow good enough (and some traits like sexuality and various other human dynamics are frowned upon and guilt inducing), something to seek salvation and forgiveness from so that we can still go to heaven. ‘Father I have sinned…’

And then there is this narrative that comes from some of the yogic and Buddhist traditions (I don’t know if it’s in all) that the spiritual pinnacle is that we are trying to transcend our humanity to end our cycles of suffering (and even being told that life itself is ‘suffering’) and to lead a good and virtuous life (which usually comes with some restrictions and prescriptions for your behaviour, ahem) so that we can ascend and transcend and not have to incarnate again! Is life really THAT bad?

What a narrative for the human experience! That somehow it’s not good enough as it is with the traits and characteristics you have been given.

Blimey, you might only have just gotten here (into incarnated form) and already being told it’s something you need to try and get back out of! I wonder if when we do ‘transcend’ to a different realm if then we then tell ourselves another story that we need to try and come back again to human form? It just seems to be one fear inducing story after another about not accepting who we are!

And regards being told that life is suffering and to restrict certain behaviours and even restrict certain feelings – lets use sexuality and general affection / affectivity as an example. There are constant guilt inducing and judgemental messages from both the religious side of things, and also the spiritual world – some more subtle than others – that somehow you are purer if you have transcended sexuality and reached almost Monk level. Trouble is, what I see is that when people try and subvert our basic human functions, it appears to end up coming out in really deviant and discordant ways anyway, much to the pain and anguish of people involved.

Maybe these stories of transcendence are written by someone way beyond me, more enlightened, who knows. But as I’m getting older I’m more and more inclined to trust my own story, and right now, I know what I’ve got, human life, and intend to live it and love it!

And even if these stories are right, wow, they don’t half have the potential to act as a source of manipulation (even if that isn’t there pathogenic intent.) See people are vulnerable here on planet Earth, and we do look for stories to explain and give meaning to our human experience. In fact, way beyond a point where we might cease to be physically vulnerable we can stay spiritually vulnerable in the sense of trying to work out why we are here and can easily latch onto these tales. And they can easily manipulate people in the sense of feeling they need to constrict their human behaviours in order to somehow be good and move forward in the bigger sense of their lives. (It’s arguably very clever that if you want to mass control people drop these limiting and fear inducing messages into every religious and spiritual paradigm you can find)

For me, even from a Spiritual dynamics perspective I can never get away from the awareness (this is actually how I feel and experience it in my body, in the moment) that yes, some part of me is connected to a much vaster, expansive, sourceful beyond ‘space’, but my word, some part of me is also plugged into the physicality of my human experience and the grounded reality around me. And unless your Chakras are totally blocked, the fact is you have a spine that plugs you into both ends of that spectrum and all possibilities in between!

So how about some of the stories might not be true? How about dropping the fear induced by these stories and learning to trust your own Heart and instincts?

BASICALLY: HOW ABOUT IT’S TIME FOR A NEW STORY?

How about slowing down and enjoying the journey? How about, in this moment, this human state and condition is what you have – so how about learning to lead a skilful life where you embrace EVERYTHING you are right now? And how about using a narrative that heaven can be on earth right now when you do fully embrace your soul, embrace all your human faculties and lead an Ecstatic life? And how about a story that you don’t transcend anything until you fully live through every ounce of your human being? Hmm…

And yes ok – maybe life as a human includes some suffering – but maybe also it includes things that you don’t experience in any other dimension? Maybe it gives you the opportunity for something totally unique – the actual chance to make heaven here on Earth; to take the opportunity to manifest the will of your spirit and soul in form so you can feel it, taste it, touch it and share it so tangibly with others? Yes it’s a challenge, that’s why you are here, not to be in fear but to meet the challenge of your Soul in making a heavenly playground!

So do love that vast, soothing spiritual space above, but oh my, make sure you also love that grounded reality that you plug into around you, and what’s in front and behind too!

Secondary Headline if necessary

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[pickupthepen]

Little Demon

Hi there.

I want to tell you a story. A few years ago, back when I was consulting for 21st Century Fox, I found myself wandering in an airport market at LaGuardia, in search of my usual Diet Coke and, as always, perusing the book selection. As my eyes glazed over the occasional best sellers that were faced forward so shoppers could see the covers and make impulse choices on pretty colors and a couple of words printed in script typeface, my eyes locked on the name “Anne Lamott” on a little orange paperback. My mind clapped- “ha!” Not long before that, I was floating in her pool in Marin as she asked me how my relationship was going. She always had a handful of wonderfully eloquent words of wisdom to offer in moments like those, and I let her in on my heartache. I always forget what she does to afford a mission-style mansion and a gorgeous pool like that, and I’m always still a little surprised to see her name in bookstores. I wouldn’t say I’m a loyal fan of her work, but I bought the book- “Hallelujah Anyway”- and left it under a pillow in my NY boutique hotel room. That relationship ended, and I haven’t seen Anne in longer than I would like to admit.

Years later, this past weekend in particular, I sat in my neighborhood bookstore in a chair, staring down the Religion/Spirituality section. I may have been there for hours- I’m not sure. I read every book title, every back. I imprinted every cover into my mind’s eye. If you want to know the truth, I was hoping there’d be something there, something to take my mind off of what I was feeling, something that’d give me the secret to figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing with my hands and my heart, or some place to travel far away from this seat. Maybe my name would be up there one day after I find what is that I think I need. I’m always hoping that something as simple as a book can fix what feels broken, or maybe to find some way to keep what I fear losing. That’s why there are so many of these books to read, right?

But a question really worth asking myself, which I did, in fact, come around to asking- how many books would it take for me to get there? Could I find the right one, the key? How many “Hallelujahs Anyway” or hours floating in a pool with Anne is it going to take for me to figure it all out? What is “it”? How many books about travel, food and adventure will it take for me to have the courage to leave corporate life? How many tarot readings, meditation sessions, long conversations with friends, buddhist teachers, Tolle and Watts tapes, or “spiritual” instagram posts do I have to scroll through before I can be my authentic self, whatever the hell that means? How much studying will I have to do in order to feel the freedom of the wind blowing through my hair? Do you see what I mean?

Okay, take a step back. 

I want to paint a picture of my morning. Let me tell you about a girl named Sally. We have a unique friendship- our circles never really overlap, but every once in a while, we stay up late together. We cook, we talk about who we’ve loved and what we’ve lost, the things we battle in our hearts, what it means to be women of dignity and grace in the workplace, and that not all is as it seems. On occasion, we play a game where we ask questions in rapid succession to see if we can tap into what our intuition knows to be true, and we laugh at our answers. This weekend I asked her, “Do you think I’m psychic?”, and she quickly replied, “Yes!” Sally and I have built our friendship upon the foundation of honesty, and no one really knows how deep our commitment to one another goes. I kind of like that you don’t get to see everything about who we are as two people whose paths have crossed- it’s for us. I will say that she is an irreplaceable part of my life, that I’ve walked the beach in her hometown under a moonlit sky, and that I adore her mother. I’ve looked out at the stars above the San Francisco skyline from the windows of her Castro lair. I’ve heard her cry. She’s heard me cry. She’s my friend- a very important one.

This morning, after having cursed Anne for writing books that never fixed me, and that I never even gave a chance, I opened Instagram and one of her posts was at the top.

“What if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written, or you didn’t go swimming in those warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you have a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen.” -Anne Lamott

Trust me, I immediately realized the irony of having condemned Instagram to be a worthless wasteland with no real influence or value and to have my morning turned around by Anne’s post of text on a purple background (she’s a writer, not a designer). I thought about how Anne, although so far from me in this moment, was so close. She whispered to me, not knowing that I’d read what she had written, another one of her eloquent words of wisdom. What I would give to go back to her pool that sunny afternoon and listen once more to her words. What did she tell me way back then? What was she trying to tell me? I remember her seeming a bit ambivalent, as if my relationship wasn’t what I really needed to examine. I can almost see her watch me miss the point, thinking “this girl will understand one day, but not today.”

I thought, “I should tell Sally about this.” I thought of all those daydreams that I carry with me when I walk around the city, and I wrote them to her in a list. I told her about how I did want to learn how to land that big jump at Breckinridge, even though I never have. I told her about my daydreams of sitting on Edmond’s sailboat with him in the Aegean Sea, eating and singing together. I mentioned learning a new language, not to be a pretty girl who speaks in pretty tongues, but because I love learning, I find language fascinating (obviously), and fuck y’all, I want to! I told her about how I want to write a book, but every time the thought of what you might think of me crosses my mind, I stop. I told her about my imaginations of a blues band with my father- he’d play guitar, and I'd sing. I think about that a lot, but perhaps that’s the only daydream that can never come to life. I want to drive around the vast wastelands of Alaska, and sit under the stars. I want to climb mountains. I want to dance until I can’t walk with Allison in Berlin. I want to redesign a kitchen and prepare recipes in a workshop of my making. I want all of it. 

Amidst my daydreams, pontifications over Anne’s words, and texts to Sally, I received a message from my best friend. She had slept through her final exam for an important class. Minutes later, another came through- she talked to her professor, she’s going to take the test tomorrow, so now she has more time to study and to sleep. Hah, opportunity. Her dad always says, “when the garbage truck comes by, fill it up!” Then, suddenly, it popped in my mind that I hadn’t checked my mail in weeks, and my heart sank. I jetted up, set the pile on my desk, and sorted through each envelope. I always fear having missed something- I normally keep a watchful eye over my finances and commitments, but sometimes things slip through. I thought about my best friend and how I could channel her experience from this morning in embracing failure, and if there were some error that I had fallen blind to, I could fix it. But, I found no such ominous piece of mail in that pile, only a couple fliers, a beautifully designed AirBnB magazine, and a postcard with an image of ice and a man in a red jacket that read- 

“Hello from afar, you little demon. It’s cold and absolutely beautiful here, may it give you some inspiration, because all I can say to you is to live your life for you, to the fullest, and joyously each and every day. Until March, from Antarctica. 

-Edmond” 

Life’s gorgeous gems always have a magical way of landing where they began, don’t they? I seem to have a magical way of finding great joy in being wrong. Maybe the universe wants me to see that not every moment is a triumph over an obstacle- sometimes I’m allowed to simply relish in happiness. What might I miss when I’m strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing? What might I miss when I obsess over answers, and perhaps more accurately, a way to change how I feel?

I began writing you this letter in a moment of fear. I was hoping to convey some sort of message that there aren’t any real answers to feeling better, to being better, to having better. I was hoping I could find melancholic and meaningful wisdom within my soul about the realities of life- I wanted to say that there are no secrets messages in books, that the words that I choose don’t really matter, that we have so very little in life that we can control, and only a bit that we really know. I thought I had a really good idea about there not being a way to untangle yourself from confusion and uncertainty, so you might as well give up and stop buying those god damned books. But Anne’s words have changed the way I look through my lens out at the world in a number of ways. My best friend’s words change my perspective (and make me laugh) every single day. Sally’s words inspire me, and bring me home. This morning, Edmond’s words reminded me of who I am, what I believe in, and where I want to go. There still isn’t much I have control over, but I have more choices in this life than I sometimes admit, and I often pretend that I am completely powerless for fear that if my life were in my own hands in any way, I’d fuck it up. That being said, I know that I always choose my words methodically and with intention, and with that, I have the power to be radically honest. I can tell you what I desire, what has broken me, and stories of my past that have shaped the woman that I am growing into. When I release these words, out unto the stars, the earth begins to shift.

So, as always in my letters for you, my dear friend, I will say something honest: Sometimes I’m fucking terrified of life. Uh, redact that- I am often terrified of life. I want every item on that list of daydreams that I sent Sally, but I fear what I might lose when I walk away from certainty and the things that I rely upon. I fear deeply that I will never be loved or understood- that is a fear that I know very well, and that I’m not alone in carrying with me. I’m scared that I might lose my whole life to complacency, to playing it safe. I’m terrified that I am going to wake up at 75 and I will never have told anyone that I was deeply, madly in love with them because I was so fearful that I didn’t deserve to hear it back. I’m scared that I will have forgotten how to dance with freedom and power, that I'll have never left the safety of carefully curated sentences, paid bills, aced exams, tennis opponents that I can easily beat, jobs that I know how to do without flexing my mind, practical homes, acceptable relationships, inexpensive sheets, reasonable methods of transportation, and a blog that no one fucking reads because I refuse to be vulnerable (ok I'm getting a little dramatic). I’m just saying- I’m scared of settling, whatever that means, and not having at least tried to leap for something higher.

I think about climbing- I’m scared of what will happen when I jump for the next hold on a bouldering problem that is just out of reach. I think, “when I hit the ground, will I be ok?” But what if I never leapt? Would I be able tell you about that second when I jump, how my stomach drops, my hand slaps the rock, and to my surprise I find myself hanging on, lifting myself to stand on top of that boulder? I wouldn’t even know how to begin to describe a moment like that, had I never experienced it, and that’s mine to keep. I also wouldn’t be able to tell you that I have missed those holds more often than I have landed them, and I’ve always been okay. That’s really worth saying. 

If I never finished anything I started writing, would these words sit inside of me for the rest of eternity, would I lay to rest wishing someone had come here and finally felt as though they had a companion in grief, joy and downright lunacy? What if I played by the rules, and never wrote in a fucking curse word? What if I played by the rules? If I were never honest about what’s really inside of my heart, I wouldn’t have the friendships with Sally and Edmond that I do. If were never candid about having made friends with dishonesty, I wouldn’t have Caroline Godfrey. If I never told anyone about my love for women, I wouldn’t be able to tell my mother about how my heart sometimes hurts in romance, and to be held by her words of encouragement and love. I might have missed out on sharing myself with my own mother, and I might have missed out on hearing the hilarious words “that lesbian conference that you go to” come out of her mouth. If I hadn’t admitted to myself that I had become a prisoner of alcohol, I might not even have my life. Actually, I know for certain that I wouldn’t have my life, because every moment worth remembering came after the first time I muttered the words, “I’m Casey, and I'm an alcoholic.” I have a list of a million beautiful things which I have earned from honesty and trust in myself and others, but I will save them for another rainy day (it didn’t rain today but you know what I mean). To make this list complete: If I didn't know any of these lovely human beings, I wouldn’t have mornings like this morning, where everything seemed to make sense again, and I finally felt woven right back into our web of diamonds and silk.

I know I need to end somewhere, and I feel compelled to leave you with an idea. What if you did have some sort of control over how your life unfolds? What if Tolle isn’t exactly right when he says that you’re just being thrashed around by circumstance as the universe reveals itself as you, and that the only choice you have is to either wake up or stay asleep? I challenge you to consider that every move you make pushes your needle toward either courage or fear, freedom or complacency, love or isolation, inspiration or apathy. Every choice and every word matters, and you can choose. You can choose. And if you need a place to begin, you can start by taking a moment to ask yourself what is true for you, finding wonder in those with whom you share your life, and by going out into the world, because all of it is yours. If you don’t, like Anne said, it might break your heart. Leap, my darling friend, courageous human, and say something honest.

Best wishes.

[fortheloveofcringe]

My Newfound Narrative

It’s been an enchanted, beautiful October. So many highs more than the lows. Or maybe I’m saying this because for the first time in my life, I really started counting my blessings more than being depressed and introspective like before.

 It cut through my bone. Everything that I went through with this year. But it’s like a nightmare, or maybe a dream I can’t almost remember correctly. I wake up everyday wondering if everything is real, still. Bad memories fading like ashes in the wind that previews a clear blue sky afterwards. My treacherous mind finally cooperating with me. Finally I am my mind. I’m not some crazy superstition or imagination of the worst anymore. I am my best self. I have waited for this in years. I can’t believe this.

 4:24 A.M. and I still can’t process what to exactly write. Usually it flows through my hands effortlessly, specially when I’m dealing with something painful. I guess the side effect of being too happy is losing some basic writing skills perhaps. I’m happy. I can’t believe this. I keep on saying thus because I really can't. I AM HAPPY. Memories of the party a night ago (22nd) keeps on flashing in my head. Girls and gays twerked on me like I’m some frat dude and I didn’t flinch one bit, I was having the time of my life, I had faces all over my face, I had men taking photos with me, grinding against my body, I was drunk, I felt so loved, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I was screaming my lungs on stage as an emcee to gauge the audience, I was owning the crowd like I have never before. I danced to so many songs I can’t remember which appropriate dance steps I used for each dope beat. All I know is, I was in motion, I’m not no more stuck or feeling stuck, and I know, with the skin of teeth, that this year has been the best year of my life. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I wasn’t myself that night because of intoxication, I believe I have reached a new level of me, WTH, super BET, LOL. When I went home, I was wet from the foam party. I had to deal with a little bit of anxiety, but nevertheless that was exactly what I wanted, my smelly bed, my dusty books, my aging laptop, after long crazy weeks of dancing on heels and falling in on them, dressing up, editing images, making videos, hosting, playing music, taking videos, having fun, connecting with others. I still haven’t found a best friend, but I know he will come. He will make me feel, like I don’t need to do all these things just to be recognized. He will stick around with me because, I’m a nice man. And I believe this, I have been kind, when I started being kind to myself.

 It’s not just butterflies and rainbows. I lost people along the process, not because I was becoming spiteful like I used to be, but finally I have enough self respect to prioritize myself above others and what others would feel. I stopped bad thoughts from entering my head, like how I would stop food that shouldn’t be in my body, or situations have been a little better because now I understand I am my own reactions, my reactions define me and I decided to fit and tailor them accordingly. I cut people off who made me unnecessarily uncomfortable, I ended connections that didn’t seem genuine. When you become successful, people tend to show who they are. Some become envious when they are not above you anymore and you’re not the same small man you used to be. They would take out their daggers and start poking holes in your back not knowing your back has long been gone and away. You’re free from their ghosts and you’re free from your own cage.

 With that said, I have more than enough reasons to be completely and undeniably thankful.

 I’ll start with my crown.

 I’m a beauty queen. I am Queen of Asian 2019. I have never remotely and possibly considered walking on heels around a crowd because I’m usually a geek in front of a computer, but I did.

 When I first entered ADFC, I saw this bond paper with the print, “THE AUDITIONS” King and Queen of Asian 2018. It inspired me, how our school was that inclusive compared to others, but I wasn’t ever considering it. I didn’t fit the mold, until recently, conceivably.

 It was just a funny thought as I jam to TS’s reputation that time, to join a pageant. I wasn’t in my best shape, I was incredibly chunky and had so many acne that time. I felt ugly. I really do believe everything that you go through leads you to some unexpected triumph. When I dated my instructor earlier last year and ended by 9th of the New Year’s day, I thought I was going to kill myself by the end of February 14. First love ya’ll. First love has that toxic spell. But I told myself, “Hey, a few months from now, you’ll be skinny because of depression and you’ll be more attractive than before because you’ll take his insults on your physicality as a match that’ll light a fire of self-care culture within you, how about that?”

 So Crystal Powers, where do I begin. This name. My name. A pseudo with so many meanings. It originated from Ariana Grande’s song “The Light Is Coming”.

 There is a part on the music video of that song where Ariana holds this glowing orb of light which I translated to as some sort of symbol for consciousness. I used this image when I meditate. Sort how the Buddhist speaker Dandapani would tell me how to meditate on his Youtube videos. My mind works this way as of today because of this culture I made within me. My consciousness is like this glowing orb and my memories are like paintings on a big dark hall of a universe. I take this glowing orb on a bad memory, all I will ever think about is bad things, I take this glowing orb on the good stuff, I’ll feel good, thankful, happy contented. I’m glad I chose the right paintings to highlight. I call it “The Crystall Ball Power.”

 I introduced Crystal to the world, 4 days after my 25th. The name is actually derived from a few aspects.

 "Crystal" came from the very crystal skyscraper crown insignia/logo of the Mister & Miss ADFC that I co-designed with our Creative Director, the royal prince himself, Direk Andrew  Duma-up and our Art Director, Hon. Rachelle Pineda, my idol (this is still an understatement of how much I admire her), a few moons ago. It is a symbol of unshakeable power and transparency. Sharp, Polished and Beautiful. The last name, "Powers" came from my all time favorite Filipino Drama TV show character played by Eula Valdez and of course Ms. Jodi Sta. Maria, "Amor Powers". A woman whose wit and resilience mirrors mine.  I could have chosen something like “Amber” which could be a name within my real name, but I wanted the feminine creation of me to be of meaning. A total Glamazon of unpredictability and electricity.

 It all went by so fast. I did mistakes but damn, I have a few trophies, a few sashes, a crown sitting in my room and a 5 inch, miraculously, not broken pair of beige colored heels, and memories I WOULD TREASURE more than the rhinestones I had on my body that night.

I wrote this facebook posts exactly the night after I was crowned on the 12th of October:

 “I won. Crazy. How? No. It’s not what you think it is. It’s me wearing astronomical heels for the first time and walking with shaking heart and feet but still moving forward. It’s presenting myself in front of a crowd who I know have beauty standards that I don’t fit in. It’s me, running up and down 6 floors to attend complete rehearsals for the pageant that I was supposed to be just a make-up artist for. It’s me helping the other candidates with all of my heart, without irony or agenda, because I know they wouldn’t approach me if they didn’t trust me and I am grateful for them for creating a safe space, a loving, AND FUNNY environment during the whole phase. The tomboys were such sweethearts! Ella was a firecracker, an inspiration even with all of her struggles from the past, she rose above, Yna was the voice of direction, Sammy was my rock and shoulder to lean on, Khem and Kim were the softest and caring hearts(Thank you for the hugs), Ariel reminded me of a young me, Nicole was the sister I never had, Macy was never dull, and she taught me the beauty of silence and grace (and funny sexy stuff hahah), Shannel was the strongest heart among us. Sir Jeff, Ma'am Edz, the organizers and Ma'am Julia for their never ending patience, grit and love, I am forever grateful. I learned this year, to actually love and accept myself without doubt, and these girls taught me that, from everyday being with them. I moved forward because I wasn’t afraid to say sorry when I committed errors from my past and I became honest with myself because I stopped hoping for the approval of others, only the approval of myself, I took the little moments of peace that led me to clarity, to listen to my voice and to rise to every occasion, even when I almost ended myself after terrible events in my life, from bad relationships, losing jobs and all of these downward spirals. I can surely say I am happy to be alive now. This is my full circle moment. Seeing my mom cheer for me amongst the crowd, with support of my aunts and my lovely ADFC family, Ma’am Jai, my handler, for being delicate and gentle with coaching me and providing the fierce looks, Loury and Sir Erick for having back, literally 😉the hardwork was truly worth it. Thank you to everyone who screamed at the top of their lungs to support me. Thank you. I breathe this fire of hope for you.

 One thing checked off of my "to accomplish list" Become a TRUE QUEEN.

 May the Power be with You.

 Crystal Powers. Queen of Asian 2019”

 I think of this post as an elaborate painting of the faces that helped Crystal, become Crystal.

 On the same night, my Aunt Mommy, who was supporting me and watching my every step from the far lands of the almost-winter in Wisconsin, wrote this:

 “An opportune stage name you chose that denotes many meanings. I, as your aunt, attests to who you are since the dawn of time. You are a ball of peaceful energy, giving your abundance of intellect, inherent courage and endurance, confidence, intuition, vision, and love to everything you do.

 Your Auntie Mommy is very proud of you and so dearly loves you.”

 This is all that matters to me now. My loved ones, the people who love me. I had rough words thrown at me for being Crystal. I was specifically instructed to act like a pageant queen by so many souls, but I told myself I wouldn’t be on that stage if I wouldn’t be me. I have people cheering for me now, calling me Queen. Fuck me because this is so surreal. And for the first time in my life, a small wish was granted, I received flowers.

…

 “A flower doesn’t compete with another flower, a flower simply grows.”

 One person I haven’t mentioned publicly about my growth is a man who used to be a person I considered an enemy. He made me understood the very Buddhist principle that I used in my FINAL Q&A answer. He was beside me when we won the championship for the best VLOG in MOR UNIVERSITY which bested out the other top tier schools, he was there cheering for me even when I didn’t need to be cheered for, he was honest with me, to the point where he revealed some dark thoughts that he had about himself, above all we share the “Eye of Providence” as an icon. Charles Diaz, if you ever come across this long litany of thankfulness, I want to again tell you how grateful I am for you. For forgiving me when I committed mistakes against you and showing me what a true regal man is. Thank you for bringing Jai to me, Thank you for being straightforward with me, thank you for so many things, and for being you. Subliminally, you taught me so much. I treasure you, my friend. My Mister ADFC.

 …

 I had fun Misters and Misses of ADFC that night on the 22nd, too.

 My journey on becoming the so called “Visual Director” of the pageant was kind of unconventional. When I came to our school. I wanted to be lowkey. Like a ghost. I was around but I didn’t want anyone to see me because there are repercussions when your are known. I have learned the hard way from my previous school as an Editor-in-Chief at the school paper. You have a huge red dot at your back when people know your name.

 And this lady, had the nerve, to take a chance on me and I will be forever grateful for whatever made her decide to bring me out of my dark cave.

 Hon. Rachelle Erica Pineda just wanted me to overlook and host the activities on the Liberal Arts Days on 2018. It catapulted from there. I wasn’t forming any irony or agenda when I told sir Kim that I wanted to be part of the school. I want to serve the people who served me kindness and compassion when I was losing faith in humanity.

 She and her family had a tough one this year from the Earthquake, the elections, almost everything was crazy for a man to process and yet when I saw her dance during the party, I knew  I want to work for her and her family. They know balance more than anyone.

 I met Direk Andrew Duma-up through her. This man, he is something else. God-tier.

 And yet he’s always so gentle with me. He was always careful with explaining his visions with me. I’m in a daze when I talk to him. And to think he’s an accomplished man. I am in awe. I’m crying as I write these words down because I have always been used to people scowling at me. Both of them never made me feel useless or unwanted. They channelled my pain and depression  by making me do things, completely out of my normal humdrum. They made me create. I love creating. I loved everything they made me do. When I was at that LED wall operating spot, I have never felt so good I my entire life, more than winning the pageant I was in, honestly.

 I was laughing and happy the entire time. Every time I heard his voice and others, at the intercom of the headphones, I was just cracking the hell up. I have never worked with less tension ever before. I felt so uplifted. Being up-close with one moment celebrities will never compare to working with these two precious gems.

 I wish to practice more and improve on my graphic powers to create more beautiful things for them. This is my vow.

 God, I’m so lucky.

 The candidates this year, I had something with them compared to last year, except of course with Charles.

 I had Push-pop candy moments with Jared, got warm hugs from Steph, I shared some thoughts on answering questions and Gummy Bears with AJ, DENVER, VINZLEE, jaw-dropped for this band on stage with Aidan, took photos with Roel and the rest of the dudes and dudettes of the pageant (well gummy worms with others, too) LOL. I had moments with the caring new Mister and Miss of our school. I even fangirled with Renzel for we are both MIDZY’s for ITZY, a k-pop girl group. We were laughing at their photos, I was with their journey even if I intentionally wanted to be just a ghost in the corner because I didn’t want to spill to much with them, because that happens when I get too close. HAHA.

 Okay. I’m going to address this unintentional ELEPHANT in the room.

 Macky.

 Siopao.

 Unggoy.

 Whatever he wants to call himself, but I would very much prefer to call him, baby.

 Ayiee! SHET! AHAHAHHA!

 I don’t easily get crushes on anyone but good lord I’m a mess around him. May effect.

Mc Holden Lamoste is no. 12 in the roster. He’s a good dancer, although he may have been nervous during his talent, he’s a talker, he addresses everyone with a mid arm bump, he smiles like a man who just found 1000 pesos on the ground out of nowhere, he knows how to tease and he talks like he’s gay. Maybe that’s why there is a pull.

 The Macky Pull?

 What the heck. I don’t want it, but I have it. Just like a pimple or a bad tummy moment. Okay that’s just an out of context analogy. All I’m saying is he is incredibly attractive.

 I know how to talk to boys. To everyone really, fuck it, I host. But when we chat, I’m nervous. Incredibly. I missed this feeling. Butterflies. Sunshine on a face, smiling for no God-damned reason.

 I know it’s going nowhere, he is straight, allegedly, as he claimed.

 But if we become friends, I wouldn’t laugh about it really. I need a little more laughter, though and even just watching him lose his bones from dancing too much does the trick.

 …

 The trick I used this year to improve my mental state was to just live in the moment.

 I’ve read somewhere that if you repeat the same pattern of behaviour in your daily operations and expect different results, you are pathologically insane. I didn’t want to be insane. I had to change my game if I want to change my life.

 I started writing in my journals, my unicorn book and my foxes book, compared the entries from my old journals and I saw my pattern of behaviour before. I had so much entitlement. I was so entitled to thinking I could hate everything. My life, the people around me, the circumstances and the harsh experiences I had to deal with at a young age. I was just being human, yes, but it wasn’t an excuse. When I read my entries now, I just smile. The difference is mesmerizing. I write more things of which I am grateful for.

 I have accomplished more things. I’m now a third year student (this is the oddest ever, I never last a year anywhere, I have an extreme case of drapetomania, because of my set-up as a young child, always in another land, nowhere permanent. Corazon Gitano) I have assisted in not one but 3 pageants including the one I competed in, okay I did a lot, my body might be tired but my soul isn’t. THIS IS STRANGE.

When I was hosting that eve of 22nd, I made a conscious decision to make sure I leave with a smile, to find a version of fun that I had never had before.

 Here’s a toast to more things to accomplish.

 Here’s a toast to a the brave hearts.

 Here’s a toast to life.

 Fuck. I’m so happy.

 This is my happiness painted in words. Thank you for reading my happiness. I hope you find and paint yours, too.