#for yourself. but also bc it feels so humiliating that the other person is not at all in the same space

[bunnihearted]

.

[theflyingfeeling]

yes it's just me whining about the same thing for the billionth time, pls just scroll past nothing new to see here 👋

[wcnderlnds]

false hope | peter maximoff

✧ fluff/angstober day four | false hope ✧

・❥・warnings: some swearing・❥・ authors note: this is bad bc my brain just did not want to work with me hence why its a short one. also shoutout to my best friend @xmidnight-rain for the idea because i was struggling.

It was the way he carried your books to class for you, the way he offered you his jacket on cold nights, the way he always shot you a smile when you walked into a room. Those were just a few of the reasons why you were hopelessly in love with Peter Maximoff. From the very second you’d met him when you arrived at the school you’d been drawn to him. His friendly nature had pulled you in but it was his sweet, quirky personality that had made you stay. Everyday he’d always seek you out to tell you his latest joke or show you the newest thing he’d bought stole. Any compliment he threw your way made you blush, the butterflies in your stomach going into overdrive. There hadn’t been any other man that had ever made you feel this way.

You were almost certain he felt the same way, too.

Except…. he didn’t.

It was a normal day �� like any other. Peter had asked you yesterday if you wanted to go out for food. With how he was flirting with you aand the big smile on his face, you'd figured it was a date. That was your first mistake. It had all been going well until Peter had leaned in and – being the complete fool that you were – you leaned in too thinking he was going for a kiss but nope. The second your lips touched his, he had speeded across the room with wide eyes.

“Wh-what… are you doing?” He asked, flustered.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry… I thought…”

“No! No, I mean… no.”

“Well, geez, thanks Peter,” you bit out sarcastically. His instant dismissal hurt.. Peter must have seen the look in your eyes because instantly he was back in front of you, his hands gently resting on the tops of your arms.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just…” He sighed. Words were never his strong suit so he had to think of how to phrase this without hurting you. “I don’t see you in that way. You’re my friend. My pal.”

Ouch. If your heart wasn’t hurting before then it definitely was now. All the signs had been there. How could you have read it so wrong? Were you really one of those people that thought someone being nice to you meant they liked you? You brushed his hands off you, taking a step back from him. There was no way you could be so close to him now that you’d made a fool of yourself.

“But… I thought…” Tears stung at your eyes. Were they from being upset or the utter humiliation you’d just suffered? “I thought you liked me too. You… always flirt with me and give me your jacket and… wow, I’m a fucking idiot.”

“No, hey, no you’re not. Maybe I gave off the wrong impression. I’m the idiot and I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt you. That’s never been my intention. Your friendship means the world to me. I don’t have that many true friends, y’know? People who listen to me and actually want to be around me. I lead you on without realising it and I’m sorry,” he frowned, a hand running through his hair. “I should’ve been more clear.”

“Yeah.” Using the sleeve of your sweater, you wiped at your eyes. There was no way you were going to cry in front of him and make an even bigger fool of yourself. “I think I’m just gonna go now. I’ve humiliated myself enough.”

Peter made a move to grab your arm but thought better of it. He knew you needed time even if it hurt him to know that he’d hurt your feelings. So, he let you go to give you the space he knew you needed. 

tag list (ask to be added!): @juliamaximoff @lemoniiiiiii @jazz-berry @xmidnight-rain @honeymoon8

[erzva]

…

ace

how he shows love

physical touch, acts of service & gift giving

much like his little brother he will be around and on you 24/7. it's like he's glued to you. he hasn't let you sit on a wooden chair a single time ever since you got together, always pulling you straight on his lap. it's instinct. it's become such a big habit that if he were to stop, it would feel wrong and kind of empty. having his princess sitting on a hard surface rather than his soft thighs is simply wrong.

he goes above and beyond for you. he's a true gentleman.

you get treated better from most ppl on the crew bc you were whitebeards relative. it was something you greatly enjoyed. ever since ace realized he was in love with you though, he started treating you even more special. it was very obvious to your crewmates that ace had taken a liking to you but you didn't realize it because the two of you had gotten a lot closer, being each others best friends now, so you figured it was just due to that. when the two of you finally got over your silent yearning for each other and started dating though, the way ace treated you was far beyond princess treatment.

whenever you dock at a new island he always manages to secretly get (steal) something for you. wether it be jewelry, an interesting book, your favorite fruits or clothes- he will find something to gift to you.

he loves showing you off and he'll take any and every opportunity to do so. he's also very insecure deep down so showing you off is kinda his way to show everyone that you're his and that you chose him and want him. its reassuring to him.

maybe it was because he was so insecure, that he liked doing things for you and spoiling you and showing you off. because in his screwed up mind he has to compensate for being so worthless by doing anything and everything for you.

…

what he needs from you

words of affirmation & physical touch

you don't have to be a poet or profoundly good at using words and decorating your sentences with the fanciest declarations of love for him but he does need vocal reassurance. and a lot of it.

ever since he was a little boy there have been voices outside and inside of his head constantly telling him he's not good enough and that he doesn't deserve love, or to be alive even. he gains some confidence by becoming a pirate and he gains even more when you confessed to him and he realized that his feelings weren't one sided. but he still needs you to feel like he's worth something.

he would never stoop so low and tell you that you should baby him and tell him all these things but luckily you were smart enough to figure it out for yourself and start doing so without him having to go through the humiliating experience of laying his desires bare and voicing them.

he needs you to talk to him and hold him and tell him that you love him and that you won't leave him and that he's needed.

he wants nothing more than for once to be held in your strong safe arms and to feel your hands cupping (hiding) his face and for you to kiss it gently and softly while telling him everything he needs to hear.

he never asks anything of you. simply being with you is more than enough for him. you are everything to him. however he loves it when you're just as touchy and needy as him. it makes him feel validated.

he's insecure and damaged. which he doesn't let on at all and tries to conceal with his fun cocky personality. but still, you noticed it very early on. and you also know that he gets into depressive moods sometimes. it's only when he's alone and when it's night time but you still picked up on it. you heard him crying (sobbing) in a random corner on the deck one night and have had a soft spot for him ever since.

it didn't take long for you to connect the dots on why he feels the way he does. you started going through memories of him having possibly said something that could make you understand his emotional scars and you quickly came to the realization that it had to do with his father and the way people spoke about him.

you also heard him mutter negative self talk when he was in the bathroom. so you've been making sure to let him know how loved and grateful you are to have him ever since. you were subtle with it at first but now that you're together you tell him that you love him in different ways every day.

ace is incredibly touch starved so he needs to hug you a lot. he often drags you to his chambers with him and while everyone on the ship thinks you're having sex, he really just needed to be in your arms for a while. he would rather your crewmates think you're having sex though, instead of knowing the truth which was much more embarrassing. it makes him feel bare and he's disgusted with himself for even wanting or needing it.

because whatever it is the two of you were doing intimately when you were alone was very different from what ace does when he's showing off in front of the crew. when you're in front of the others he'll just have you sitting on his lap or drag an arm around your shoulder or waist and he'll kiss you and make out with you a lot to brag. but when you are alone he is pathetic and always hides himself in you and tries to get impossibly close to you, as if he's never felt love in his life before, as if it's his first time experiencing it. (it is)

he’s the little spoon. he needs to feel you around him, protecting him. not from actual danger, just from his own plaguing mind. because whenever he’s in your arms, he feels ok, good, better.

he wants to be close to you and touch you as much as possible. he can be incredibly intense and needy with it, holding onto you so tightly and rubbing and nuzzling against you so hard that it makes you worry and feel bad for him. because you know that deep inside, he is a lost scared child who just wants love and comfort.

…

[kel-lance]

The New Kid? 🙄😒 (Yandere!?Yuta x Reader)

Warnings: Wrote this months ago and don’t want to reread or fix it up but I feel there should be some warnings though I wouldn’t really know what they’d be other than lying?

- you want to hurt him, ever since you met him, ever since rika hurt your friends to defend this pos who just happens to be gojo sensei’s family. You realize you’re obsessed with him after the 2nd month of not being able to drop it.

- with panda and toge teasing you in front of yuta bc we all know on your crush on maki but she think’s you’re all joking and to stop making fun of her.

- When the truth drops you try to leave immediately to not get everyone else involved with rika but she grabbed your hair and pulled you up, she’s thinking of what she’ll do to you

- Yuta tells her to stop which surprises you all

- He takes off his ring and tells them to watch Rika while you two talk

- You try to leave again but this time he actually has a grip on you

- You’re scared, does that mean all this time he was holding back and just teasing you? you felt humiliated, you hated him so much you start crying into his chest

- He holds you nicely and you realize he does actually care, no one would hold someone like that and say those things but you tell him outright you don’t like him near maki and you hated the fact you keep toying with Rika because a girls love is precious and how could he have toyed with you this whole time?

- he said it was the only time you’d give him more attention so he was okay with it. he’s around maki bc he’s never around girls in general because of rika but bc maki’s also your bsf he wanted to know about you. He kept saying things that made the pieces fit together but you just couldn’t trust him still. You don’t want to go on with him as your classmate, you start to think of how you’ll be moving which freaks yuta out. where which who? why?

- You shove him off of you, for ruining what you tried so hard to make for yourself, and he just comes in. Maki felt the same but they bonded, met while i was on a lengthy mission. I was so pissed Gojo didn’t tell me until after, that ass.

- You try to move for the door but he takes a step out blocking your path. You look at the window and he grabbed your hand again, telling you to stop yelling at you to stop until you finally did, and you broke down again just yelling i hate you at him until you just start to wail into him.

- You cry and cry and cry until youre so tired you apologize. You don’t know what time it is but he’s still holding you. “Why do you want to speak to me about that so bad isn’t this enough u sick fuck?”

- He holds you tither and smiles his usually bright smile and says “Because you see me for who I really am. Rika, Maki, Toge, Panda, even Sensei all see me as weak, nice, a regular person. But you were on guard the moment you saw me, not like the rest of them because of Rika’s CE, but because of my own mind. You know exactly what i’m doing, what i;m thinking. Its like we’re one.”

- What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck you wish for once you weren’t right. He’s a guy, he’s a guy and he’s the same as all of them you had to go. Your crush for him was confused, your excitement, arousal, mixed with how scared you were paralyzed you as you could only stare into his eyes that darkened. He kisses you.

- “Do You want to keep up this act? Being mean to me in public. Then I’ll be as equally mean back when we’re alone?” He locked eyes with you, both showing each other faces you’ve never seen before. Your strong, rude personality was shaken by his secretly abusive side. One hand on the small of your back, pulling you in closer to him as he didn’t wait for an answer, he kept leading the kiss, drawing out each one, creating an itch.

- There was something itching on the inside, this kiss made you feel everything but still empty, you were a mess by the end and could barely think straight as you let his hands lightly grip and explore your body. This was so confusing you were wishing it were over so you could talk to him, the him you’ve all seen, not the one you made up in your head, that turned out to be real.

[imrllytootiredforthis]

More on sub bully yandere pretty plz 🥺🙏

i'm gonna do gyu again just bc sub bully=beomgyu (kinda a part two to this)

afterwards he just gets meaner and meaner. for a multitude of reasons-

one being that you humiliated him in front of the entire school, and now he needs to get back at you,

and the other being that he's head over fucking heels in love with you now and has zero idea how to talk to a crush other than bullying them

so he continues to fight with you. threaten you, insult you, release compromising photos of you taken by his own hand (which he also uses on lonely pent up nights)

he's an asshole. who doesn't know when to quit.

you don't exactly make it easy for him though.

every time he's harassing you, you're there with a blank face, arms crossed. giving nothing away, and taking every ounce of satisfaction away from him. knowing entirely that if his group of friends weren't standing there backing him up you could do whatever you wanted to him-and he'd let you.

but you don't.

because unlike him, you pride yourself of being a decent human being.

that somehow just makes him angrier though. makes him try harder to piss you off.

spilling your food all over your clothing, laughing as he lets out an "oops, sorry, i didn't mean to." all while cackling with his friends.

egging your car and writing on it with spray paint, causing damage he knows you don't have the money to fix.

he wants you to be angry. he wants you to be so pissed at him, at everything he's done to you that you just can't hold it in anymore. he wants you to finally snap and grab him by the neck. kiss him until he's breathless and dumb (his very first kiss) and then fuck him to oblivion and back (his very first fuck).

beomgyu wants you to put him in his place, unlike so many other people in his life that don't care as he walks all over them.

and it only takes a single thing for you to snap.

him loudly talking to you in the middle of class, taunting the fact that you somehow got a lower mark than him. leaning across the isle to get up into your face, smirking his dumb smirk.

you simply ignore him, preferring not to add to the scene until the teacher zeroes in on the two of you, looking unimpressed as she sends the both of you to detention.

--

"fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! what the hell is wrong with you?"

nothing. he only smiles back sweetly.

"i have shit that i need to do, places i have to be! records that i need to keep! i don't need to spend my time in detention with your sorry ass!"

nothing.

"you're so annoying, you hear me?"

infuriating fucking prick. absolutely nothing.

"a fucking brat who doesn't know how to man up and be a normal person. instead you're acting like a pussy, too scared to ask me out hmm? a pathetic loser virgin."

something.

his cheeks are flushed red, his face so close your noses are practically touching, his hands gripping onto the desk.

"yeah, is that what you are? a brat and a pathetic loser virgin?"

your hands on either side of his shoulders against the chair, trapping him in place. he's painfully hard in the confines of his pants.

the room around is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. the teacher had left awhile ago, not that she was supposed to, she just did and told you guys to behave.

the detention class was completely silent now. just the sound of your heavy breathing, his shallow pants and his heart beating so fast it seems as if it's about to leap out of his chest.

"say it."

his mouth feels dry, his body feels hot.

"say that you're a pathetic loser virgin and then maybe i'll take care of that for you, okay?"

his eyebrows knot together as you press a hand against him, biting his lip to hold back a moan. "i-..."

you nod, prompting him to continue.

"i'm a...pathetic virgin loser!" his eyes squeeze shut as he breathes it out, whining lowly under his breath. "i'm sorry! all i wanted was your attention!"

when he opens his eyes again, you're smiling.

"okay then. you have my attention now." you sit back against your own chair again. "come here."

he begins to stand up. "on your knees, beomgyu." face burning in shame, dick throbbing with humiliation, he shuffles towards you on his hands and knees until he sits between your legs.

"good boy." he shivers. "now, if you wanna take care of that, you're going to have to get off on my leg."

he looks at you as if you've grown a second head, as if you're crazy. he searches your face for any sign that you might be joking. "go on you mutt."

[lemonhemlock]

what are your thoughts on the madonna-whore complex allegations constantly lobbed at criston from rhaenicent and rhaenyra stans alike. because i dont see it at all. also a lot of them don't even seem to be using the madonna-whore complex correctly. it's supposed to be in regard to men in relationships with woman that lose sexual arousal for these women when they see them in more domestic, motherly, etc. light. the fandom is so collectively off base about this lmao.

yeah, i feel like criston's stuff is a bit more complicated, even just based on the information given in S1. in a way, you can say he grows to be attracted to the mother figure and repulsed by the whore figure, but he wasn't always like that. he himself said he had dalliances with girls before joining the kingsguard and he is very much attracted to the outgoing, spunky maiden rhaenyra, but there is also this tension with the quiet, introverted young alicent in his confession scene!

i'm not sure exactly how to word this, but criston strikes me as the type of man who is malleable, who doesn't have much in the way of plans or objectives. he lived a pretty aimless life before he is introduced on screen and joined the kingsguard as it was a prestigious institution which offered him structure and something to strive for. so, in a way, he replaced his haphazard youth with knightly ideals and gallantry. but, even this purposelessness - i wouldn't hold it above his head as a fault either. westerosi society just doesn't have the space for someone like him - the son of minor nobility, who probably doesn't have much in the way of inheritance. he can't exactly go out and "get a job" (the sources of wealth creation aren't very diversified) without it being considered a huge stepdown and humiliation and bringing shame on his family (the social stratification really might seem very alien to someone living in 2024). so, of course that in a society that values martial prowess (something he happens to be good at), he would be attracted to activities in the militaristic sphere.

and i don't mean to say that he is just amoral and doesn't have any principles either, i'm sure he would LIKE to be this perfect knight that embodies self-sacrifice and courage and selflessness, but, like many other westerosi institutions, the kingsguard is an oppressive one. it's NOT normal to impose abstinence on someone, it's NOT normal to not allow them to retire and make them live this frugal, unattached life, just trailing after royalty all day, standing for hours on end in rooms and hallways. so, of course, criston finds it difficult (i'm guessing a lot of the kingsguard members had similar feelings) and of course he "strays" (that's one way of putting it, bc we all remember the discussions on the non-consensual nature of that scene).

criston's existential crisis is very real and raw and a by-product of the westerosi feudal system - what IS a man like him supposed to do with his life? he thought he had found purpose in the kingsguard, but he found himself in a situation where he broke his vows, so he tries to reason that maybe his new purpose can be rhaenyra - his love for her, running away with her, marrying her, taking care of her etc. so it very much doesn't matter for him that she herself gave away her chastity before marriage (and could be thus labelled a "whore" by their society's standards). but when rhaenyra refuses him - it's like that quote from dostoevsky - “your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.”

so, where i'm going with this is that criston has personal beef with rhaenyra. she behaved towards him in a careless way and discarded him without a second thought, whereas for him their affair was a huge, all-consuming thing. now, had rhaenyra went on and lived an exemplary life as a married woman, with no bastard children, he still probably would have hated her for what she did, but, i'm not sure, just based off S1 information, that he would still call her names

to go back to the madonna-whore axis, like you said, men who have that complex tend to view the "whore" as someone sexually appealing - whereas i think criston's disillusionment with rhaenyra has surpassed any attraction he had for her in the past. meanwhile, despite being a "mother" figure, alicent's life of quiet servitude has made her very attractive in his eyes. but! who is to say that rhaenyra couldn't have been more diplomatic and empathetic with him in handling their affair? had she put a bit more effort in, manipulated him into being her secret lover instead of harwin strong? sure, he could have refused, but had she played the woe-is-me card, the i-have-to-sacrifice-my-happiness-for-the-good-of-the-realm and convinced him that she wasn't going along with his oranges plan because she, too, had higher ideals she had to serve, i don't think he would have seen her in this unfavourable light (what if rhaenyra were a different person entirely LOL)

so, basically, what i mean to say is that, ultimately, rhaenyra treated criston in a nasty way and now he hates her, whereas alicent treated him with kindness and now he worships the ground she walks on. but what if the roles were reversed? what if alicent had been unpleasant to him and rhaenyra the compassionate one? would criston still be crowning king aegon? is this truly about a madonna-whore complex or about personal relationships, how you behave towards people and how those past grievances interact when it comes to securing someone's loyalty? everyone is more inclined to be indulgent towards their friends and to keep their side, even if they might not always be in the right. it's easier to go to bat for someone you like than for someone you don't! people can always rationalise their principles away in such situations and develop double-standards

[ofbreathandflame-archive]

You’re right, Feyre stans are rarely just Feyre stans.

hi anon!

yep! this was specifically solidified for me after silver flames came out. feyre stans have been conditioned to always validate rhysand's intention over feyre's opinion. again - feyre has established that she:

(1) does not want rhysand to speak about her sisters in a disrespectful manner. feyre validates rhysand emotions about her sisters - meaning she isn't saying (and im not saying) that rhysand doesn't have a right to feel a certain way about her sisters. but that rhysand's feelings should not manifest in jabs and disrespectful words:

“Rhys said smoothly, “I’m not entirely sure Velaris is prepared for Nesta Archeron.” “My sister’s not some feral animal,” I snapped. Rhys recoiled a bit, the others suddenly finding the carpet, the divan, the books incredibly fascinating. “I didn’t mean that.”

feyre to rhysand.

“So she keeps saying, over and over,” Amren grumbled. I shot her a glare. “Careful.”

feyre to amren.

that's a boundary being set - clear as day. feyre does not approve or condone outright disrespect of her sisters. this has nothing to do with how we believe xyz or what rhys has a right to do, but what feyre has established as a no go.

(2) that she does not feel comfortable with rhysand being overly protective, to the point he withholds information, is overly violent, or conflicts with her wants:

“It’s hard to shut down my instincts.” Instincts. Just like … like someone else had instincts to protect, to hide me away. “Then you should have prepared yourself better,” I snapped. “You seemed to be going along just fine with it, until Keir said—”

rhys to feyre; feyre to rhys (acomaf)

(3)feyre doesn't care about instincts (as is an excuse used in sf), here she is telling rhys straight up that he needs to prepare himself better. bc she DOES NOT feel comfortable with the way rhys expressed his frustration. and again feyre is sympathetic to his reasonings, but she does not believe his intentions (in this case) justify the way he chooses to go about these things.

“I craned my neck to look up at him. “Never lie to me again. Not about that.”

feyre to rhys (acowar)

(4) again - feyre establishing a boundary. never lie to her about anything, especially important things.

feyre (and also fucking amren) also establishes that she doesn't believe that keeping her sisters couped up in the house of wind to be productive or helpful:

“If you want to start convincing your sisters, get them out of the House. Being cooped up never helped anyone.”

amren to feyre (acowar)

and nesta has established to rhys that she wants no interest in cassian:

“Nesta had made it clear enough she had no interest in Cassian—not even in being in the same room as him. I knew why. I’d seen it happen, had felt that way plenty.”

rhysand to az (acofas)

feyre also establishes - to rhys - that her she knows her sisters don't do well with public humiliation, and making a scene:

“ “I shouldn’t have asked her in public. I made a mistake.” and “I loosed a long sigh. “I should have considered that telling strangers what happened to her in Hybern might … might not be something she was comfortable with. My sister has been a private person her entire life, even amongst us.”

feyre to rhys (acowar).

im saying allll of this to say that in sf - rhysand literally takes all of these boundaries and shits on them. even his creation of the intervention conflicits against what feyre establishes: (1) her sister is a private person, and will not respond well to public humilation (2) nesta wants nothing to do with cassian (3) her sisters are not healty being in the house of wind and (4) feyre wants to be looped in and considered every step of the way. even the act of creating an intervention that goes so instinctively against feyre's wishes is an act of deep disrespect. that feyre stans can see these moments and still justify them bc their hatred for nesta and obsession w/ rhys trumps their 'love' for feyre. its a conditional like. here feyre is the victim and instead of writing metas and ff about feyre being done dirty by rhysand - they flock to justify rhysand's point to the point where they're willing to ignore feyre's opinions. its not abt how much we like / dislike the sisters. but how rhys's behavior conflicts against feyre's wants and boundaries. its about how those feyre stans would rather validate rhys then stand by feyre's emotions. to imply that rhysand's actions were appropriate means u place his actions above feyre.

feyre is adult and mature enough to manage her emotions, she not a child, she is perfectly able to stand-up and put her foot down. and she has - on multiple occasions retorted and fought back against her sisters - to consistently pretend feyre is a child who needs rhys to cosign and stand body-guard when feyre is perfectly able to do it herself says so much abt those 'stans' than they are willing to admit.

like feyre was able to face down tamlin - her abuser - all by her damn self. she's not some child who needs people to consistently defend her by undermining her opinions. if she wanted rhys to be an asshole to nesta - we would have saw that. instead we got this:

“That’s enough,” Feyre snapped at Rhys. “I told you to keep out of it.” He dragged his star-flecked eyes to his mate, and it was all Nesta could do to keep from collapsing onto the couch as her knees gave out at last. Feyre angled her head, nostrils flaring, and said to Rhysand, “You can either leave, or you can stay and keep your mouth shut.”

we got feyre telling rhys and amren that she did not want them to behave that way. and even after that. both rhys and amren continue ignoring feyre's requests. feyre is not respected - these are not the actions of people who respect her as an equal. she's a child to them , and they believe they know better.

idk - if i were a feyre stan- yall would never have shut me up if my fav was treated like a doormat and sidelined. i would have been writing scathing metas on rhys and the ic. - i wouldve been explaining exactly why rhys withholding information was wrong - not just vaguely saying he was wrong and then justifying why he did it. i would have been an amren hater #1 for how she continually undermined feyre. idk...yall are not real feyre shooters. like damn your fav is catching strays by the author and the readers and you're only focused on how nesta factors into that equation?? like youve got bigger problems to worry abt here. feyre has been continually and consistently phased out of her own story by the author and that don't bother yall? hmm couldnt be me tho.

[strwberri-milk]

Ooooo can I get jealous reader and kaeya at the tavern then some girl keeps trying to hit on him but he keeps warning her off and she will not go away so then the reader snaps on the girl?<3

SOMEwhere on my master list is. more jealousy stuff bc i love jealousy uwu

You know Kaeya garners attention wherever he goes. Most of the time it's unintentional, Kaeya just someone who seems to fit perfectly into the spotlight if he wants to but you've never had any issues with it. You know he adores you and that there's nothing he could ever do to betray your trust.

With that being said, you also gave his admirers a wide berth. When the two of you became official a lot of them continued to pine for Kaeya in the privacy of their own homes, but sometimes they would get especially bold.

This includes right now. You and Kaeya were trying to have a nice evening out with each other when this woman approached him. You thought she was a friend of his by the affectionate way she called his name, minding your own business until you hear Kaeya's voice beginning to turn a little agitated.

Sure enough, Kaeya wasn't looking incredibly happy. His brows were knotted together as he tried to pry the woman off his arm. You quickly caught on to what was happening and decide to bide your time. Kaeya could take care of himself no problem, so you didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable by coming to his rescue too early.

You were beginning to seethe a little, missing Kaeya's attention on you. You couldn't help being a little extra needy for him, especially in this sort of context. Kaeya's yours, and you weren't going to let someone try to steal him away that easily.

"Just a minute of your time Captain and I'm sure I can make it worth your while!"

The woman intent on stealing your beloved's attention seems sweet at least you think to yourself as you sip on your drink in boredom, unsure what Kaeya is going to try and do.

"I'm already quite preoccupied with spending time with the love of my life. Perhaps if you have any queries for the Knights you can come to the ones on duty, rather than pursuing someone who's quite clearly off the clock." He gestures to himself, wearing his civilian clothes as he was indeed not working right now.

"Yes, but I just feel like you would understand me better. Perhaps we can discuss the nature of my concern right now?" She bats her eyes at him, trying to butter him up to no avail.

"Perhaps I could discuss the outcome of this night with the person I hope to end in bed with," Kaeya bites back, trying a more crass way to get her to back off but nothing seems to work.

You continue to listen to the back and forth between them, the hand you offered Kaeya some time ago to ground him almost having it's circulation cut off thanks to him. You decide this has gone on for far too long and clear your throat, stealing both of their attention.

"How many more times do you want him to reject you? Do you get off on it or something?" you snap, voice biting a little harder than Kaeya thought it could ever sound.

She tries to respond, opening her mouth before you cut her off.

"You've just spent the last however many minutes begging for attention from my boyfriend when it's been more than clear that he's got no interest in you."

"I'm just letting him know he still has options!"

"And I'm letting you know that you're embarrassing yourself. Just go home and I'm sure you'll make both our evenings better. You can't seriously think this looks anything other than humiliating. Begging for attention from someone who clearly doesn't want to give it to you. He's mine, and I don't appreciate you thinking any different."

She tries to say something else to you but Kaeya rolls his eyes. He leans over and gives you a zealous kiss, even playing up the moan he does which only seems to disgust her before she walks away, making the two of you laugh.

"Thank you. You truly are my Knight in shining armor," he teases, kissing your cheek sweetly.

"Oh, I'm not done. I'll make sure the whole of Mond knows who you belong to by tomorrow morning."

Kaeya's face flushes a little but you know he's ready for the challenge, smiling at you as he tries to speed your date along to get to more exciting activities.

[hyewka]

୨୧ things i plan to write, currently writing, and all other similar updates.

status: all wips listed under are on pause (08/3/2023)

๑ full fics.

— ★ camboy! [c.sb]

catching your innocent, sweet naïve best friend in a compromising position…in front of a camera is not how you thought you’d be celebrating his birthday.

warnings: sub soobin, femdom, anal play, nipple clamps, soobins a virgin, tears, degradation kink, centers around purity culture

progress: 30% [1.4k]

— ★ can i be your boyfriend? [c.bg]

you think after giving beomgyu the most emasculating, humiliating sex known to mankind, he’d know his place and leave you alone. to your dismay, it’s the complete opposite and now he seems to be ten times more obsessed with you than he already was. [part two to boyfriend]

warnings: bratty sub!beomgyu, soobin & reader have a thing, mentions of infidelity, pet play (barking, going on all fours, collar), degradation, mean femdom, praise kink, nipple play (m receiving), use of a flesh light, dacryphilia

progress: 65% [3.2k]

— ★ untitled [c.bg]

it's been a year since you've properly talked to beomgyu, distanced from him due to being in a relationship. now, you're single, broken up with your boyfriend a few weeks back and the realization dawns on you— you painfully, and utterly miss your best friend. striking up a conversation with him at a mutual friend's party in hopes of rekindling your relationship shouldn't have taken such a weird turn.

warnings: tipsy gyu (overall drunk sex), sub leaning switch!gyu, sloppy makeout, blowjob, angst, reader isn't usually dom and gyu isn't usually sub so there's that background info, pull out method, quickie

progress: 10% [0.7k]

— ★ love me p. 2 [c.bg]

progress: 3% [0.4k] — scrapped and restarted 😭

— ★ white t’s [c.bg]

stoner sub beomgyu. piercings. and a goody two shoes mc.

progress: 20% [1.1k]

— ★ possibility of a million (and its consequences) [c.bg]

unreasonable ego and a pain in the ass smartypants, mansplaining asshole is the only way to describe beomgyu from psych 101. you’re not too surprised he’s a prude and also the most virgin-virgin you’ve had the (dis)pleasure of meeting. but like how all beginnings begin, one drunken night and you find yourself in a bed with the person you truly cannot stand for more than thirty unsupervised minutes— and holy fuck does the events from last night hit you like a brick with a dooming realization. you took the virginity of choi beomgyu.

progress: 87% (4.6k)

— ★ night after night (ibfyr) [c.bg]

the number one rule of having a hot roommate is to not fuck them— and well, you’ve broken that rule more than you could count (high libido call for desperate measures). but at least none of you have feelings, and don’t have to go through the mess that is dating the person who shares the same lease as you. too bad a confession during a fuck flips everything on its back. just give him seven days and beomgyu swears he can convince you to give dating (him) a try.

warnings: soft dom gyu

progress: N/A

— ★ younger, hotter [k.th]

you’re convinced that the new (younger, more efficient, more charismatic) hire at your division is there as your replacement due to the numerous layoffs your company has been officiating. it takes one wrong misguided initial impression to conclude that kang taehyun might just be the first person you’ve ever considered a mortal enemy.

warnings: sub!tyun who usually doms, noona kink, semi public…sort of (sex in a public bathroom’s stall), fingering (f receiving), desperate simp tyun for pussy bcs yes, unsafe sex, pullout method, just the tip trope, mc’s a complete bitch unprovoked, heavy degradation kink, use of ‘boss’ during sex, specific age difference not mentioned

progress: 15% (1.2k)

★ number of fics: 8

๑ series.

— ★ intro to love 101 [c.bg + c.yj]

you don’t believe in the concept of love. someone you consider your other half is the complete opposite. beomgyu falls in love every other week, and god does he love hard. with that comes a million heartbreaks, boxes of tissues, and your hoodies drenched with his tears and gross snot. you cannot bear to see your best friend hurt again so, you do the genius thing and create a step by step guideline on how to not fall in love the minute he's provided with attention. it should be easy, you are his best friend and practically the number one pessimist when it comes to romance. all he has to do is strictly follow through.

parts: five

— ★ to stardom [ot5]

managing your fuck buddy’s band and all its complications.

parts: six

๑ drabbles. (includes asks)

— ★ perv gym rat taehyun

— ★ spitroasting with soobin and kai

— ★ yandere bsf!yeonjun

— ★ beomgyu first time (anal play)

— ★ switch hybrid yeonjun

— ★ freshman!taehyun x junior TA!reader

— ★ sub taehyun

— ★ childhood friend sub!hyuka

— ★ expansion on perv!beomgyu + perv!soobin

— ★ beomjun threesome (might be a full fic)

— ★ sub! yeonjun + oral fixation

— ★ enemies to ??? w/ secret femboy!yeonjun (might be full fic)

— ★ best friend taehyun with virgin reader (might be full fic)

— ★ phone sex w/ beomgyu

[freeuselandonorris]

as a pretty much complete stranger to kinks I ask this with genuine and open curiosity: what is it with piss? like what's that kink all about? admittedly I've been wondering about it and I consider you my local expert on the matter (plus your writing has compelled me to enjoy things I never thought I'd dare to touch so I trust your judgement). is it like a marking/possessiveness thing? or a "that's Me" sort of idea? or something else entirely? I'd like to hear what appeals to you about it if you don't mind indulging me

omg anon if i don’t MIND! this is my dream ask lmao especially on a night where i need a good distraction ty 🙏

below the cut for anyone who followed me for the fanart and light romcom fic and not the hard kink 😭

okay SO. i think piss is one of those weird kinks where there’s a lot of different sub-kinks to it and a lot of motivations for it — like, there’s being pissed on/pissing on someone, there’s drinking it (incl forced drinking) which can also have sub-kinks like some people only like to drink “from the source” whereas others like it from glasses or funnels or bottles or don’t care at all. then you have wetting (pissing yourself, basically), which could be just doing it wherever, in certain clothes, in semi-public. there’s omorashi/desperation, some people really get off on the pain of being desperate and holding for hours. plus there’s stuff like diaper play which is very linked to the ‘little’ space and isn’t something i fuck w personally so i can’t comment on that. but basically what i’m saying is there’s no one motivation for people to be into it and different types of piss play will have different appeals, even to the same person.

personally i am generally pro most kinds piss but my real kink is wetting, specifically while fully-dressed and preferably in pale clothes so the wet patch shows up. that’s something i developed an interest in super early — i can remember being a kid and taking the opportunity to piss through my swimsuit after going to the pool lmao. i think the appeal there is the inherent wrongness of it; it’s very linked to shame, humiliation, degradation and also there’s a lot in there about doing things that are forbidden and go against social conditioning. it’s an insanely trippy feeling to do it in front of someone in particular, personally it’s honestly comparable to drugs in how much of an endorphin kick it gives me.

i do also love pissing on/being pissed on though! and that’s def more what you were mentioning about a sense of possessiveness, although for me it’s more linked again to humiliation, particularly when i’m bottoming for it. i’m a huge fan of bodily fluid play in general and there’s a lot in there about feeling marked, about being a receptacle for someone’s waste fluids, about being objectified — one of the hottest piss scenes i’ve ever experienced was a cnc scene where i had a pillowcase taped over my head and then that got pissed on without warning (we had this kind of play pre negotiated!) and there was something about the combination of being made ‘faceless’ and then that happening to me out of the blue 😵‍💫 there’s a kind of devotional aspect to it, like yes i WILL get on my knees and willingly cover myself in your piss because i adore every aspect of you!

andddd finally there’s just the sensory aspect of it! piss is hot and wet and that can feel really good on your skin when you’re turned on 🤷 and honestly if the person you’re drinking from is well hydrated it doesn’t taste or smell too bad, it’s just kinda salty and a bit umami… it kinda reminds me of miso soup at times lmao. if they’re not hydrated or they’ve had a lot of coffee/beer it can be a bit intense and honestly i have gagged and spat it out sometimes! but that’s kinda hot to me too 🤷

whew that was fun lmao. sometimes i feel like i should start a specific blog for this stuff bc i LOVE talking about it! ask me more kink stuff pls!! anyway anon i hope this kinda explained the appeal to you a bit, ty for the respectful and open minded q 🫡

[nereidprinc3ss]

so um, you’ve probably have been asked this many times but how do you start writing fanfic without cringing at yourself? i already feel silly for reading it. i noticed you have gained recognition outside of tumblr which i believe to be an achievement but i can’t allow myself to go through that.

i work in the finance sector at a big american firm, i can’t have my coworkers knowing i’m writing fanfic. i already get teased for watching disney animated films (which it’s not that bad) how do you deal with this? ik you’re still at college and ofc, this doesn’t mean you’re stupid but i bet you know what i mean? do you have some advice on this?

⚠️me not shutting the fuck up and getting way too personal below the cut

honestly at first i DID cringe at myself. i cringed so much that after posting my first fic in like november i dont think i posted again til january because i was writing and would just get so humiliated despite being alone and no one knowing who i was or what i was doing LOL but honestly the way i got over that was just to do it more because i truly love writing and why would i let feeling “cringe” stop me from doing something i love and that makes me happy? that would be so heartbreaking, life is hard enough, we deserve to do things we love and are passionate about without judging ourselves so harshly

as for not letting other people know well yeah i just don’t tell my friends or anyone ik in real life that i write fanfic lol, they know i love to write and they know im obsessed with spencer reid but that’s as much as i’ve told them! i know it’s a thing that maybe most people would consider “weird” but as someone who has a crushing fear of intimacy this is kinda my outlet lmfao. and it made me feel really insecure and weird at first but then i realized like… i try to be kind and caring and thoughtful, i have a lot of good qualities and the fact that i write fanfic doesn’t actually detract from any of them. it also helped for me to accept the reason why i write fanfic which is (and we’re abt to get real personal) i’m deeply afraid of intimacy of any kind and always have been so writing fiction abt the stuff i’m too scared to do isn’t a bad thing. there are a lot of people who wouldn’t understand it but they don’t have the same experiences as me and i don’t need them to understand it because i know that they never could. like they don’t understand what it’s like to so terrified of being known by another person that you obsess over the hottest guy in your school district for six months bc you want the validation of him liking you back and you do everything in your power to make him like you and then when he actually does reciprocate you immediately start icing him out to the point where he says hi at a party and you ignore him to his face cause you’re so afraid of men😂😂😂😂😂 they don’t get those vibes!!!

anyway basically you just have to remember that you’re doing it for you and it actually doesn’t mean something is WRONG with you if you enjoy writing and the safety and control that fiction offers you. it just means you’re one of billions of people living an entirely unique experience, just like anyone else, and honestly i think it makes you interesting. having hobbies and passions is rlly sexy and cool, regardless of what they are, and you deserve to do stuff you like doing. if anyone else is giving you shit abt it it’s probably because they genuinely don’t understand what it’s like to have interests and that makes me feel bad for them lol

[totally-not-here-for-the-smut]

So, @arcanavoid made me thinking about Lucio in their post

WELL THEN LETS TALK ABOUT LUCIO YOU BITCHES

Pleas keep in mind that I'm right now very drunk and I'm not a native speaker and the autocorrect for this phone can only do so much Also I'm in a different time zone so if you see this at, like 10 in the morning or whatever, no worries bc now is definitely night here and I also program my posts I have not a drinking problem thats why I cant hold my f-ing liquor

WELL THEN MY DEAR LUCIO and

WHY

as a person who is very close to people with serious mental illness, like i legit live with them

I THINK LUCIO'S ROUTE IS SO GREAT

Let's start with an assumption: we're all assholes. Somewhere in our life, maybe in the past, or present, or future, we are huge AH. It's not like we're evil and condemned to hell, it's just that as humans we're small, petty and miserable so we behave badly and are very selfish when big difficulties challenge us. Like, sometimes we manage to scramble enough willpower and common sense to act decently as we're afraid and suffering, but lots of times we don't and make shitty things. So here's my first point:

1. We all are a Lucio sometimes. Or often.

Like, way more than we want to admit. We're afraid, we're too full of ourselves, and we behave in petty ways. We're mean towards strangers, we feel happy in humiliating them and showing the world how better than anyone else we are. We need something bc we live in a world that doesn't grant basic human rights (food, shelter, health, safety and human connection), so we strain to get those things, sometimes at others' expenses. Then we tell ourself that those people deserved our scorn and malice because they're bad, and we tell us such lies because facing the guilt of what we've done is painful and complex.

We need to show ourselves we're better, so enjoy picking at others' mistakes without caring who they are in a whole (this is super easy on the internet). All this while low key ignoring what bad we're more or less responsible for.

And we are. Like, if you ever did buy something on sites like shein, you are actually exploiting poor people who are basically slaves. And you're keeping a blind eye on it.

But you know what? You're not evil for this. We're weak sometimes, we're tired, we have little time and really don't have the lucidity to think whether this stupid chicken breast is full of hormones and antibiotics or not. We're humans and we're small. Often we're sad, afraid and tired and we need a malicious self esteem bost.

Often, we're Lucio.

2. A flaming piece of trash can change. And doesn't need others' forgiveness to do so.

Did you notice how everyone is so eager to show of other people are wrong and bad and evil? That's because they, and we as well, need reassurance about how we're the hero of the story.

That's because we can't tolerate being the flaming piece of trash, because the the flaming piece of trash can't change and everyone hates them.

This idea is stupid.

It doesn't matter how low you fell. How many people you hurt, how many times you made the same stupid mistake or how many people deeply despise you. You still can change.

That's why is

So

Important

To have a Lucio route where it's shown he can choose to be better, no matter how deeply wrong his past deeds were.

The moment we understand this concept is the one our guilt becomes less heavy and we start being less judging of others. Granted.

This doesn't mean you're entitled to people's forgiveness - but the fact that YOU are willing to forgive yourself means that you can really change and forgive others. If some people won't forgive you, it will be fine, no need to hate them: you can always find new people to gift your better self to.

This is what happens to Lucio. Will Asra ever truly forgive him for making him and orphan and killing you? No. But this doesn't mean that Lucio will be a villain forever. He will be still able to change, become a good man and gift his goodness to the MC.

As MC says to Julian: you can always come back.

3. What it takes to change

Now, I'm in general rly humble when talking about mental health bc I'm no doctor nor therapist. But living with people who went through hell and managed to survive (and knowing people who sadly didn't), made me able to figure a couple of things. So, brace yourself. I'm about to give you the ultimate recipe of healing.

It takes two things:

Compassion and Accountability

When all is said and done, this things are the two main things it takes to change and heal. Compassion for believing you can change and deserve happiness, seeing the world through other people's eyes and accountability to motivate you into stop being a dick and owning the shit you did (so yeah, maybe you should stop blaming your parents for who you are, sry, but it doesn't serves your cause).

and there's one and only one way to get them:

Positive human connections.

That's it. When you go to the bone to it, that's how one can change, heal and survive.

It's reduced to the very bone, simple idea: the whole process is much more complicated and it's ok if you get lost in it. But at the very root, this is it.

And this is WHY Lucio's route it's so great:

MC shows compassion, because they don't recall him doing anything bad to them.

MC helps him being accountable. They doesn't shelter Lucio from his guilt, never.

MC believes in them but NEVER puts up with their shit

MC doesn't believe his lies and doesn't lie to them either. No games: they talk through everything, they're kind but firm and true.

MC helps him accept other people's scorn towards him

I love this route because it's the one where the MC is the most clever. There's a murder mistery? Let's ask the ghost of the murdered one who did it. Everyone is mad at him? Let them be. Not bc "he deserves it", but bc people are entitled to be mad at him and to their idea about him. He has troubles with his mother? Don't get between them. Listen, understand, let them unravel their shit. Ghosts are mad at him? Sit with him, but don't do his emotional weightlifting. Mc puts Lucio in front of his deeds and holds his hand as he deals with them.

Folks: THIS is how it's done irl.

4. No dumb justification & the danger of privilege

There are a lot of shows about "why villains are like this" that paint them as a poor misunderstood saint who was mistreated by their parents. Like in Once Upon a Time or the Disney Villain's Live actions. I hate that stuff because they distort the plot to make the villain a misunderstood anti heroe who was a victim all along, so he's justified.

Guess what: they're not. If you actions are evil there's no justification. No retelling of your story: you made very bad choice and were an AH and that's it.

This is what happens with Lucio: in his route his story doesn't gets to be retold. It's an honest story about how Lucio, the villain, can choose to be the better man and benefit from it. It's a story about the inherent dangers of Privilege:

Lucio's story shows how dangerous privilege can be: he wasn't hold accountable for his actions while he was alive, bc he was pretty, powerful and rich. He loses his privilege, he gets his ass kicked, he find motivations to change in his desire to be loved. I know irl folks who got to adulthood without having to face how shitty they were bc of social privilege. It literally kept them from changing, healing and be happy. So beware, folks. Your privilege might be harming you in the first place, and the day you will face who you truly are without it WILL come. The later, the worst.

So, this is why I love Lucio's route. It's relatable and helps us to find the courage to face our demons, knowing that we can change. Knowing that we can forgive ourselves and accept others' scorn. It WILL be hard, it WILL be painful, there WILL be consequences, but eventually it will be worth the hassle.

So, long live the goatman, for he can change. And so do we.

[snekdood]

rewatching that video natalie made about cringe and she gets to a point where shes talking about how there were trans women using “cringe” trans women as examples of Bad Transgenders Which They Are Not and how they’ll go as far as to misgender and dismiss their transition to justify their exclusion. and i really think yall need to read this and internalize it and realize you’re doing this about trans men who talk about our oppression:

(in reference to the video clip she’s responding to, she says;) “Rose… gorg. Jessica Yaniv is not one of "the biggest characters in the world" at any moment. This is not a world historical figure. At the end of the day, this is a more or less random civilian sex fiend off the streets of Vancouver BC. The only reason anyone has heard of her at all, is that Vanessa decided to go full "To Catch a Predator" and turn this grimy reprobate into a minor anti-celebrity. She's not one of the biggest characters in the world. But it sounds like what she is Rose, is one of the important characters in your brain.

This is distorted thinking. It's like A-Log comparing Chris-Chan to Hitler. You're so deep in the morbid cringe obsession that you've lost perspective. And I'm sure you have what seem to you like perfectly logical reasons for devoting so much attention to this. And I know that videos about Yaniv get a lot of views, so I'm sure that's a factor too. But Rose, I also know a morbid cringe obsession when I see one. And I know that being a visible trans woman on the Internet is more difficult than most people can imagine. And I know that pretty much every trans person is bullied or shamed or humiliated at some point in our lives. And I know how good it can feel to take all the horrible things that transphobes and bullies and TERFs have said about us, and repeat those things verbatim about some “big, fat, fake, dangerous, delusional, disgusting male fetishist”.

Oh, it feels good to get to be the TERF for once. It feels good to be the judge rather than the judged. Because when you point the finger at someone else, you're also pointing away from yourself. And it's not lost on me that in conservative circles, queer people are often treated like suspected sex criminals by default. So there's safety in being the one who spearheads the “think-of-the-children” type moral crusade. And when you expose a trans predator, you get that feeling of safety plus the relief of having someone in particular to blame for the shame and the stigma we all feel. Jessica Yaniv is the reason people hate us. But that's just not true. It's a simple answer to a complicated problem. It's scapegoating.

When I look at the Yaniv obsession on trans YouTube, I see a community trying to cope with stigma and hoping that destroying a scapegoat will bring relief. It's basically a blood sacrifice. It's not rational. It feels good for a moment, but it's an addiction. It won't ever erase the stigma and the shame. And Yaniv is simply the latest and most deserving in a long line of bad transgenders who aren't real transgenders and are giving us a bad name and are the reason people hate us and must be condemned and destroyed.

But when Yaniv is finally gone, when you get her sent to prison or whatever your goal is, you're just gonna find a new scapegoat to take her place. And the shame cycle continues. The humiliation and bullying we've experienced is internalized as shame. When we project that shame onto scapegoats and onto each other, it becomes cringing and contempt. And we voice that contempt by shaming other people, which starts a new cycle.

So you can keep finding new scapegoats, new punching bags, new shamedumps, new lolcows, and you can wind up like one of the people who's been archiving Chris-Chan for 13 years. But that will never really heal us.”

‘n i kinda feel like thats whats going on right now....

[dgdraws]

Maybe saying this on my 18 follower art sideblog is silly, but I want to offer some gentle pushback on the sentiment that's been going around re: notes on art and lack of engagement.

TL;DR make it your practice to be the person who rbs art with nice tags and you can build a community of likeminded folks

There are myriad reasons why online comment culture has shifted, I'm not gonna waste time pinning that stuff down, bc it's actually immaterial to my perspective, which is:

You can find or create a community of people who will lift up your art. But it requires that you participate in the culture you want to see more of.

I had been a lurker on this site for a decade. I held back participating in discussions, creating or sharing art, engaging directly with anyone outside of following blogs and rbing posts without commentary. And during that time, I made no connections, no friends, built no community.

I was afraid of scrutiny. I have felt the humiliating lurch of earnest engagement turning to dread and exposure and a deep regret of allowing myself to be vulnerable. I pulled up the ladder behind me so I would never have to hear the slightest dismissal or repulsion or ridicule from others. In so doing I also cut myself off from praise, understanding or connection. If no one gets a chance to let me down, then it's as though they're holding me up, right? Wrong!!!

I paid good money for a therapist to help me work out the lie there. The realization that I felt isolated and misunderstood because I never gave people the opportunity to show up for me was so hard to grasp. How could my safety net be the cause of my profound loneliness? But it is true. The people in my life couldn't disappoint me, but they also couldn't help me or support me or really love me the way I needed.

Opening myself up to disappointment has been a long, tough road (and goodness knows I'm not ready to let my parents let me down (again) yet). But my relationships are strengthening. My sense of identity is more stable. I am not inconsolably lonely deep in my heart anymore. Because it turns out people do show up when you give them the opportunity.

Not every time. Not every person. But enough of the time that it builds resilience. Every time I reach out and someone reaches back, I get a little braver. I trust a little more.

To bring this back around to online culture and community: I started receiving interest (and notes) after I started showing interest in others. Once again it turns out that people want to turn up for you, but you must give them the opportunity. This means making yourself vulnerable. It means taking the first step.

If you want a community, a group of people who interact w a certain set of values, you have to demonstrate it. Live those values. This is how we create culture. We choose what behavior we want to encourage and we set an example. This is as true in a workplace or a family as it is for tumblr or ao3. If your boss puts up a sign that says "we see mistakes as a chance to learn" but they punish people when they mess up, that's just words on the wall. If they accept errors graciously, if they work to suss out the root of the problem to resolve it, if they are open about their own mistakes, that is the culture.

So if we want to see more reblogs, but not just that, real engagement and chances for connection, then it starts with you.

Here's what I do that has helped me make friends and spark genuine interest in my work;

Reblog LOW NOTE art as much as, if not more than, posts with thousands of notes. Feel proud to give someone the first note on their work!

Incorporate leaving nice tags into my gratitude practice (it is a form of mindfulness! noticing what specifically draws me to art I rb both engages me more deeply with the work and makes my own art better)

Queue up several art posts from the same artist (people notice when you are consistently in their notes!)

Participate in art events like artfight, various -tobers, other challenges (as with making friends anywhere, repeated exposure leads to familiarity and chances for connection!)

Follow people back or even initiate following blogs who interact with your posts (do not approach this with a f4f mentality, only follow people you actually want to hear more from)

Set up post notifications for portfolio style art blogs (ie sideblogs exclusively for original content) so you keep up w your network/mutuals even if you're offline when they post

Low key notice what the people engaging with you like most about your work and consider expanding on those ideas. This is not about "tailor your work to an audience" it's about thinking, "so-and-so left feral tags on my post about this oc so I'll do my practice sketches of them" or "people seem interested in this storyline so let me feed off that enthusiasm and develop it more"

Don't get hung up on it when individuals don't reciprocate. Assume good faith. You never know what is draining someone's energy. Remember that you are offering a gift, your time and energy yes, but also the chance for someone to show up for you too. If it starts to feel like an obligation, reassess where you're putting that energy, but don't be afraid to be generous.

This has worked wonderfully for me. I went from a person scrolling longingly past posts about beloved mutual culture, not quite believing it could really be like that, to a person who happily gets 3 notes on my former flop posts and posts reblog bait for my besties and reblogs the bait they post for me :)

Apparently I had a lot to say! I kinda hope this doesn't break containment but if it does, please be niceys. I understand if this mindset is not available to you bc of social trauma, depression/anxiety, disability, mental illness or whatever else but please avoid venting that on this post. I love you and I hope you can get here someday, because you're worth it. In the meantime, try to be gentle with yourself and others. xoxo

[seraphtrevs]

I'm going to go roll the rock away from Nacho's tomb in a minute to see if he's better yet, but before I do, I feel like talking about why we got Nacho Christ in the first place.

Both BrBa and BCS are heavily thematic. They have a point beyond things just happening. BrBa is about toxic masculinity and its life-destroying effects. Walt insists over and over that he turned to crime for the sake of his family, but in the final episode, he confesses to Skyler that he did it for himself. He “protected” and “provided” for his family not for their sake, but in order to feel powerful. That quest for power destroys Walt, his family, Jesse, and a shit-ton of other people, from the addicts he supplied with dangerous drugs to the people he killed (both on purpose and by accident).  Toxic masculinity, says Vince Gilligan, is bad.

So what is BCS trying to say? I don’t think the premise is as explicit as BrBa, partly because I’m pretty sure they didn’t start the series with this intention. But as they found their identity, it slowly started to take shape. BCS is about the folly of vengeance.

BCS 6x09 is in many ways the real finale of BCS—the end of Jimmy’s pre-Saul life. And just like BrBa made its premise explicit in its finale, BCS has the characters reference its theme directly, too. When Mike promises Manuel justice for Nacho, Manuel looks at him in disgust and tells him, “What you talk about is not justice. What you talk of is revenge.” The next scene finds Gus trying to make a human connection before realizing that his quest for revenge endangers anyone close to him, and he will lose them just like he lost Max. His life will always be empty of love and companionship. And Jimmy and Kim have lost each other, their lives and marriage torn apart, all because they wanted to get back at Howard. Revenge, says Peter Gould, is bad.

(courtesy cut for the tl;dr)

There were a lot of things that sent Jimmy down the slippery slope into becoming Saul, but two acts in particular turbo-charged his downfall. Even after Jimmy defeats Chuck’s attempt to kick him out of the law, he’s still angry. Humiliating Chuck at the hearing was a means to an end, but manipulating the insurance agent to hike HHM’s rates was pure vengeance, done solely to hurt Chuck. That action indirectly leads not only to Chuck’s suicide, but also to their final conversation when Chuck advises him to let go of his guilt and accept that he’s a bad person deep down inside and will never be anything else.

Jimmy’s big second act of vengeance is against Howard, which ends with him losing the love of his life. And once Kim leaves, Jimmy embraces the worst parts of himself, which leads to him enabling Walt’s reign of terror. Revenge has poisoned his life.

Mike’s story also illustrates the anti-vengeance theme. Before the show even begins, Mike had taken his revenge by murdering his sons’ killers. It made him feel better temporarily, but ultimately it did not give him peace. Instead, he chases more vengeance, against Hector this time, which ultimately leads to his downfall.

Even Chuck’s story ties in with revenge. Chuck wanted to punish Jimmy—for stealing from their parents, but also for being more loved than him (in his warped perception). This obsession with taking down Jimmy leads to his disgrace and death.

So what does this have to do with Nacho Christ? A lot, because Christ symbolism is often used around themes of forgiveness—the opposite of revenge. But BCS has a more nuanced point of view than turn the other cheek. BCS’s Christ figure dies cursing the people who wronged him. Clearly the point isn’t that Nacho should have forgiven Gus, or Gus should have forgiven Hector, or Mike should have forgiven his son’s murderers.

Instead, BCS says the alternative to revenge is to forgive yourself. But forgiving yourself is not an easy action, because to truly be at peace, you have to make amends where you can. Nacho’s crimes put his father’s life in danger. He made amends by sacrificing his life to save his father. Jimmy makes amends by publicly admitting to his lies and telling the truth at last, which leads to the loss of his freedom.

An important point is that neither Jimmy nor Nacho made their sacrifices just to punish themselves. Self-punishment does not lead to forgiveness, although the price of truly being able to forgive yourself is sometimes steep.

Nacho was backed into a corner. He could have instead gone down the path of revenge by letting Gus kill his dad and then swearing vengeance on Gus. But that would have been pointless and not given him any relief from his guilt. Instead, he chose to sacrifice his life in order to get his dad out of the danger his action put him in. Nacho’s death wasn’t a punishment—it was just the natural outcome of the action he had to take to make amends.

Likewise, Jimmy going to prison wasn’t the point. In order to be an honest person, Jimmy had to start telling the truth, not just to himself but to the rest of the world. A consequence of telling that truth was prison time.

The show goes out of its way to demonstrate that point with Kim’s story. Her Floridian exile is a punishment she concocted for herself, thinking that suffering would make her feel less guilty. But it doesn’t. Inflicting pain on herself does nothing to make up for what she did to Howard.

In order to forgive herself, Kim must make amends. What does finally help is confessing to Cheryl in order to help restore Howard’s reputation. The consequence of her confession is that she’s put herself in legal jeopardy, but that isn’t the point. The point is she's doing what she can to make up for her actions, which allows her space to forgive herself.

At the same time, self-forgiveness doesn’t always involve a high cost. Mike’s path to self-forgiveness was to be a supportive presence in Kaylee and Stacey's lives—to take on the role Matty would have played if he had lived. He didn't need to buy them a house with dirty money. He just needed to be there. But ultimately, facing his demons and taking on the hard work of processing his grief was too painful for Mike. Instead, he took refuge in revenge and became even more lost.

So that's why we needed Nacho Christ. He is the negation of the cycle of vengeance.