#which my adhd brain doesn't really want to do but at the same time i know people are intimidated if i show them a clean lineart right away

[godbirdart]

the sketch layer does not spark joy. i do not like drawing the sketch layer. this isn't even the worst culprit of Lack Of Sketch Layer I've ever had

this is

[this piece is from 2020]

YOU *point finger at you with snap sound effect* Have you ever thought of doing a timelapse of one of your art pieces, if you haven't already? (i usually like to see an artists process using them) ((im observant))

OH it's been a while since i've done one!! i often forget that other artists like to see those despite being an artist who VERY MUCH enjoys watching them himself

i think the last one i did was for my sona Loke's 2023 reference sheet:

i remember losing my mind because my computer didn't come with any Good software to add nice video effects. windows current replacement for movie maker frustrated me for not having fade transitions or something [idk remember exactly what, but i was cranky that it didn't have some Basic Ass Video Editor Thing]

that said, maybe i'll do another timelapse again soon!!

[thekeeperof-thefandoms]

Hi, could i request Alastor x reader where one of them does something nice/gives something to the other not realizing that in their culture it's equivalent of courting/proposing? And since the other is in love with them, they don't mention the connotations and it takes someone else to point it out for them to realize? :)

Going to be honest, I wasn't sure how to write this one, since I'm white and to my knowledge Alastor's a Creole man from 1930s, so I wasn't sure what from either of those cultures could be mistaken for a proposal. After doing some research I'm going to tweak this ask a bit, simply because I am not entirely comfortable representing other cultures that I am not a part of and only have a few hours worth of google research knowledge of. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted. If you or anyone has more specific traditions to use as examples, I'd be happy to try and expand on the idea.

(Or reinterpret this as like, flower language, gift giving symbolism by pagan standards, or crow language. Which not gonna liez my ADHD ass really wants to write a crow sinner giving them weird random stuff they find that they think the others would like.)

Anyway, I'm going to do things you'd do for each other that make you both wanna get married. Hope that's ok!

Alastor

It's not so much a single thing you do, but more like there is a single moment where he realizes he wants to marry you. And to be clear, his idea of marriage is going to be based off of what he grew up with and his own personal level of comfort with romance and intimacy (remember folks, aromantics have a spectrum as well and can get married and have perfectly happy, functional, healthy relationships and marriages).

It's probably not even a big grand gesture or anything. It's more likely something domestic and really sweet. Like it's post the finale fight with Adam, and he already knows he's getting attached because he let you help him get patched up. He lets you in his room, his space, and being touched by you is as easy and comfortable as it is with Rosie and Niffty, who have pretty much a free pass whenever.

Yet you're still always so respectful of his boundaries, of giving him subtle ways to avoid or redirect your touch if he's not feeling up to it. You never push, chosing to take what levels of affection he's willing to express but always letting him know you love him, and this last small thing is the thing that makes it click in his brain.

You bring him his coat, newly patched, cleaned of any trace of blood. The stitching is a little sloppy, crooked, and the fabric isn't lined up as well as it used to be, but you tried. He can see the effort and knows you spent hours holed up in your room after patching him up.

"I know it's not perfect, but it'll hold until you feel well enough to visit your tailor again." You say timidly, as if you expected rejection or critique. And while criticism wouldn't be unwarranted, he's just too emotional to say anything. His smile is gentle, a little wobbly, and he reaches out and brushes the coat aside to grab hold of you and pull you into a hug.

You're just so sweet and considerate, you understand him. He's not going to change, he doesn't want redemption, he thrives off the bloodshed and chaos of hell, but at the same time he's still just a man. And he wants you to be by his side for eternity, if he you want that too. He's never thought of marriage before but now...now he can't stop. He wants to have that with you. Domestic life, something to come home to.

He won't say anything right away, he wants his proposal to be perfect. He's going to have Rosie help him plan this every step of the way, but regardless, one day, you will be his partner.

As for what your moment with Alastor is, I think it entirely depends on what you value most in a partner. However, a general consensus I've seen in most of the fanfics and tumblr posts is the idea of Alastor showing us a softer side.

Not just showing us that he's more than a serial killer and cannibal with his own sense of morality. More than just feeling comfortable enough to let us initiate touch, hut genuinely letting us see past the Radio Demon persona.

Maybe it's by cooking for us and talking about how he learned the recipe from his Mama, which leads into him slowly opening up about her, how much he adored her. What she meant to him.

Maybe it's him and you at the bar in the hotel or in his room, sipping drinks, his jacket off, sleeves rolles up. Letting himself be casual and in a compromised state around you. Maybe he'll even take your hand and spin you across the dance floor like he used to with Mimzy. He doesn't even care if you're not that good, he can teach you, practice makes perfect, he just has fun with you.

Maybe it's a moment where he let's you touch him. Or seeks you out for help because he knows you won't say anything. Or if he humors you and flirts back when you tease him. Or let's say he has a tail and he doesn't snap your head off for accidentally touching it as you go by. Or he agrees to watch a movie with you or listen to a podcast despite how he feels about technology.

Maybe it's just a quiet night, sitting next to each other, each reading a book, his radio playing softly for background noise, and you look up to him to ask a question or say something and he's already watching you, a small, adoring smile on his face.

Take your pick of which one is the moment where your heart stops, your breath catches, and you realize that you wanna marry this man.

And then your delulu ass wakes up, lol.

Decide for yourself if you'd go through with a proposal or if you just accept how things are.

[jcollinswrites]

How the fudge are you writting so fast??? I sit down to write and end up with nothing or reworking plot instead of writing 😭Have any tips you want to share? Perhaps the ingredients to the dark ritual you perform to get the motivation and remain focused 👀👀👀

So, first of all, you'll need half a newborn, shaken, not stirred…

lol jk (don't shake babies)

Believe it or not I'm the same as you, so here are some stuff that helped me tremendously, especially with my squirrel ADHD brain:

NUMBER ONE that I needed 20 years to learn, is that… forget editing, man. You can't edit if there is nothing to edit, so first you have to sit ya ass down and just fuckin' do it. It doesn't matter if it's shit at first. It's called work in progress for a reason. Who cares if it's shit? You can edit it LATER when the whole thing is already done. What you're reading in my game is literally my first draft. Lots of scenes might change later. In fact, I'm already changing scenes in the background, I'm just not always telling you. It doesn't matter. If anyone gives you shit for it, tell them to kindly fuck right off.

Have a plan for the book (written down. Not just in your head). Don't even start writing until you have a plan for the entire book. It doesn't have to be detailed. Mine is just bulletpoints, but you should know which chapter will contain what, including plot points, character development, relationship progress etc, otherwise you'll get lost, especially in a big IF. And then as you get closer to the next chapter, you can work out more details in the plan to help the actual writing.

If you don't feel like writing a scene, then don't write it. Leave a placeholder word there (I use 'mandarin' because that word likely won't come up anywhere else in the text), and instantly move on to another scene that you have inspiration for. Later, you can just search for 'mandarin' and add the scene when you feel like it. If you accidentally come across any MANDARINs in my game, that's the reason lol.

If you are writing an IF, it helps to start simple. Write the story until a choice comes up, then write the title of the choices, and continue ONLY with the route you feel the most inspired for atm (use mandarin for the rest). Don't let your momentum die by getting bogged down in choices. That's why I have so many greyed out choices when I start a new origin or chapter. I just write write write until the end of the chapter, THEN I go back to whatever choice is the simplest to add, and put the variations in the already-existing text if needed. Repeat until all the choices are written and coded in. This way, the text might feel more organic too, because you already have a pre-written skeleton that you can just add variations in.

Keep notes. It helps to have them on paper, next to you, so f.ex. when you make 9 different deities to choose from, you don't have to go back to the beginning of the chapter every single time to look up which deities those were and what they mean, you can simply turn your head to the side lol.

Take regular breaks. Exercise, stretch. Keep a daily schedule. Eat and drink enough. Try to keep a good health. Your brain won't work if it's starved.

Know yourself and your habits, and be honest with yourself. I know of myself that once I start working on the big plot points, I won't have any motivation to come back to the beginning again. That's why I'm writing all the origin stories first, because I know that if I start going into chapter 2, I definitely won't feel like coming back to start yet another route from the very beginning. So if you don't feel like doing something, then just… don't do it. Or do it simpler. Do it smarter. Trick that asshole brain into cooperating.

Last but not least, guys, 90% of my motivation COMES FROM YOU! Your engagement, your messages, your feedback, every little interaction is what keeps me going! So write me! I will answer! (if you aren't a dick). Literally, about anything. Even if it's just "hey I really liked this small detail here", that will already make my day, seriously. I LOVE talking about my work, and I'm pretty sure every author is like that, so keep engaging with writers, because that's 90% of the reason when a novel gets finished! I'm writing for YOU! Your enjoyment, your fun, because I love telling stories, but those stories don't mean anything if no one is reading them.

[chu-diaries]

100 days of mental healthcare: day 100/100

Well, it's over! I genuinely can't believe it's been 100 days since I started this challenge (even more than 100, since I skipped a day or two when I couldn't post).

For those who just arrived, I started this challenge in April, the day after my birthday, when I was really in bad health. I had severe panic attacks about 4 times a day, which made me unable to do anything. I dealt with constant suicidal thoughts, I barely slept anymore and I was spending everything I had on doctors, self-knowledge courses and therapies. I found myself with two options: the first was to invest in medications that would make me dependent and drugged, but that would fix my brain. However, there was a risk that I wouldn't get the dose or medication right in time and my situation would get worse. The second option was longer and more difficult: studying how my body, my brain and my limits worked, and then adjusting day after day what wasn't going well. You know that I chose this option and that I created the 100-day mental healthcare challenge to track my progress on this.

In these 100 days I learned a lot that I want to share here. As we are all unique and different human beings, you may not agree with what I applied in my life, but I ask for respect and empathy, because all of this saved me. Also, some points have a scientific basis in research I did and books I read.

1. mental health and nutrition

This was one of the first things I learned. I realized that when I was hungry, my body didn't give me clear signals. Probably due to my autism and ADHD, I was always disconnected from my body's needs and didn't know how to identify hunger (which I expected to be something like a growling in my stomach, but it never was that way). What actually happened was that, instead of hunger, I had a critical increase in my intrusive and suicidal thoughts, which made mealtimes much worse than they should have been. Our mind is more vulnerable when the body is not properly fed and hydrated, and many of us neurodivergent people will not feel hunger like neurotypicals do. Our body wants us to move to find food, so it sends us successive stimuli through our brains to fight for our lives and, well, eat. Some of these stimuli can be very negative and, instead of propelling us forward, they drain our energy and make us even more depressed, which also doesn't happen to the same extent with neurotypicals, who deal with this type of thing much better. To avoid this, I started eating every 3 hours, and not because a doctor told me to, but because I realized that my crises happened with this frequency. By eating regularly and preventively, my body stopped depending on this resource to nourish itself and I became more mentally stable.

2. mental healthcare and intestinal system

The gut is not our second brain for nothing. The health of our mind is completely connected to the health of our gut. You have certainly heard the phrase “you are what you eat” and it is true. What surprised me most in my studies was discovering that neurotypical and completely mentally healthy people develop mental disorders if their gut microbiota is altered. In other words, we must nourish our gut to maintain our mental health. The more diverse our microbiota is, the better our mental health will be. This means eating various foods per week, as colorful and natural as possible, because food industrialization is also partially responsible for the number of mental disorders that exist today.

3. mental healthcare and eating meat

This is a difficult topic, since I was a vegetarian for many years, but I want to share what I learned with you. The incidence of mental disorders is directly associated with the levels of omega 3, taurine and tryptophan. Omega 3 is a good fat and essential not only for maintaining memory, but for all of our cognitive functioning and, although it can be supplemented in a vegan way, it is not as accessible to everyone in the appropriate dosage as fish. Similarly, meat has high levels of taurine and tryptophan, which regulate anxiety and depression and improve sleep. For many years I did not eat meat, supplementing protein with vegetables and whey, and for all those years I suffered from anxiety and depression. I never imagined that my blood type would also suffer more from this lack of protein: blood type O struggles more to maintain mental health and ideal mood levels with vegetable proteins. It is a blood type that needs animal protein. Going back to eating meat was not an easy decision, but I decided to test it out: even though I ate a small amount of animal protein per day, my cognitive function improved a lot in these past 100 days. I became more mentally stable and stronger, my mood improved, my gut responded positively and suddenly the things that haunted me were no longer so big. I never thought that mental health and animal protein had any connection, but I was very surprised to discover that eating meat (or not) influences our mind.

4. mental healthcare and intrusive thoughts

Well, I studied psychology, but it was a theory that didn't deal with intrusive thoughts. In these 100 days I discovered this term and delved deep enough to understand that we all have intrusive thoughts. Neurotypicals deal with them better, while neurodivergents deal with them much worse. Unfortunately, I suffered a lot with these thoughts and suffered even more trying to understand why this was happening in my head. If you suffer from intrusive thoughts, start by understanding that they are not real and that they do not come from you consciously. An intrusive thought is something that crosses your mind and is similar to a scary radio station that you accidentally connected to. It does not belong to you. I learned to think (and I like this theory) that this is a way for the brain to prepare itself for various possibilities, even the most absurd and impossible ones. We are animals and our body wants to survive, so I understand that the brain explores various probabilities to always be prepared, no matter what happens. Of course, for anxious and depressed people this has the opposite effect and makes us want to die. Over time, you learn that you can’t control when these thoughts appear, but you can control how much power you give them. I deal with obsessive intrusive thoughts every day, but each day I’m becoming more and more able to not get emotionally involved with them. “It’s just a glitch in my brain,” I think, taking a deep breath.

5. mental healthcare and joy (which is worth more than solving problems)

I've always had a very fast-paced mind, cluttered with things and addicted to solving problems. In recent years I thought I should focus more on relaxing and opening up spaces in my mind, but I discovered that an empty mind can be treacherous for neurodivergent people. Our mind is, in fact, addicted to solving problems. That's how our species evolved and prospered. Our mind has an organizational structure that seeks, through connections and associations, to process past and future events, resolve pending issues and find solutions for what was left behind. We do this with everything, even with things that are not in our control. I spent a lot of my life trying to solve what was going on in my head and I was unsuccessful because I wasn't the one who created this situation. Although solving problems is a pattern of the mind, it is a sweet illusion. Many things are not actually solved, we only think they are. I discovered that the time I invested trying to solve mental problems that I did not create could be used to create happier foundations to strengthen myself. I learned that it is actually joy that heals, not obsessively thinking about the problem until it is solved. Every time I focused my energy on doing something good, laughing or contemplating nature, I became a little stronger and remembered who I am. I won't deny that I felt guilty - the cognitive rigidity of autism screamed at me that I was ignoring my problems and that I was creating a silly fantasy world. Even so, I fought to break out of this pattern. It is still difficult. But today I believe that I’m meant to be happy and that cultivating moments of joy makes life worthwhile.

6. mental healthcare and feeling useful

Feeling useful is essential for mental health. We all want to be part of something and be recognized as necessary. In these 100 days, I decided to resume some volunteer work within my community and I also opened a new company, with handmade products, so that I would also have the opportunity to produce something that was not only in the intellectual field (handicrafts are very good for those who suffer from anxiety). Having a dynamic routine in which you have an important role is great for mental health and your sense of self-authority. Also, getting in touch with other people's personal stories helps to decentralize our gaze from ourselves, which is very useful if you suffer from OCD. As tiring as it may be, the more diverse activities we do, the better our cognitive function becomes.

7. mental healthcare and moving the body

It's interesting that to take care of your mind, you need to get out of your head and move your body. Many of the tensions accumulated in our minds can be released by running, walking or playing some sport. It doesn't matter what it is, but move your body. We were not designed to stay still, but to do various strength, balance and endurance exercises. Our ancestors walked for days in search of shelter and food, and that's how our bodies evolved. Especially for those who suffer from anxiety, high-impact exercises not only help regulate your mood and release neurotransmitters, but also generate a stress spike that will do your body good for the rest of the day. When we trigger these spikes, our body answer quickly and creates new pathways to respond to stress, which helps us better deal with anxiety, depression, instructive thoughts, etc. Our sleep also improves, as we use our stored energy and tend to think less before going to sleep.

8. mental healthcare and sleep hygiene

I have always tried to force myself to be silent. I forced myself to meditate for many years, without much success, but after the panic attacks returned, meditating and being silent were torture. It was as if I made room for all my inner demons to dance in my mind and I always felt worse. I recently discovered that neurodivergent people struggle more with silence and that it does them a lot of good to distract their minds with sounds, images and other stimuli that allow them to emotionally engage with something real and outside of themselves. I see that it is a controversial topic, but I no longer believe in sleep hygiene without screens and complex content. My best nights of sleep were those in which I distracted myself with something until I fell asleep or listened to someone talking until I fell asleep. So if you want to test what works best for you, know your limits and do not blindly obey the orders that someone has set. Maybe you work better at dawn, maybe you only need 6 hours of sleep, maybe you are different from the average. Your life's work is to discover yourself and be true to it.

9. mental healthcare and developing self-authority

This was very important to me. I have always had low self-esteem and I have always believed in others more than in myself. I sought answers and cures for what I suffered from various doctors and therapists, but all of this only made my situation worse. I became dependent on diagnoses, consultations and sessions that never really helped me. At a certain point I decided that I would educate myself on the subjects that bothered me. I studied, and studied a lot, about psychology, neurology, neuroscience, nutrition and about the functioning of the body as a whole. Today I no longer accept any diagnosis about myself because I have developed my own authority. I am the authority when it comes to myself, you know? I don't need others to tell me what I am feeling because now I know what it is and where it comes from. I also know, fortunately, how to solve it. When I go to a doctor or have an exam, I know what I am investigating and what I need to achieve. It is very sad that today medicine is just a search for money and that you only get good care if you pay a lot for it, so it is important to get educated about yourself so you won’t fall into standardized speeches that will lead you to the ever-increasing consumption of pharmaceuticals and drugs without, in fact, looking at the cause of the problem.

10. mental healthcare and time

There are things that only time can heal. There is nothing like letting time pass. A few months ago, all I could think about was how I wanted to end my life and it was tormenting to think about living for even one more day. Waiting for time to pass was difficult, but I was rewarded. Time has a way of overcoming some things if you allow yourself to create new memories, new connections and new laughs. If you are suffering a lot, wait a few more hours. Live one more day. Let time pass and life bring you better things.

See you guys again on my next challenge (maybe a productivity one?). Thanks to everyone who liked and reblogged my previous posts! 💕

[danieyells]

How much money do I have to throw at you to hear your opinion on which gouls are chubby chasers?

Are you the same anon who sent me an ask about which ghouls prefer chubbier partners at the beginning of the month lol YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME (i mean if anyone wants to offer me money i won't complain unless you're also struggling financially--) I'M JUST VERY VERY VERY SLOW AT ANSWERING ASKS A LOT OF THE TIME ANON. I like to dedicate time and effort to details and my adhd is like. If you do not have the energy or attention span or immediate thought to dedicate to this task i'm not gonna let you do it. Hence the slow responses.

Another thing is that. I feel like this is a somewhat difficult question with the way my brain is. Because while I(and my brother and my father even!) find fat people/characters attractive(if not more attractive/aesthetically pleasing!!! And I'm fat and my dad was fat!) my brain's just like. . .that's a given. People are generally pretty attractive in general, especially chubby people. How do I articulate this without making it disappointing? How do I articulate what or why they find this attractive without saying 'that's just how it is'? "There's no deeper feeling or explanation" is something i could say about anyone and if I do that it doesn't really feel like it. . .goes with a character. . . .

But enough excuses. I'll do my best and I'll hope you like it. Originally i tried to make a shortlist and then it became a proper list. 🙃 This is why i never get anything done.

Some nsfwish ahead!

Tohma - the fringes of society from whence he originates tend to have greater body type variance. You might think his concern for health would sway him away from a fat or chubby partner, but he knows well enough that being bigger is not a health risk(or sign of bad health) in and of itself. Also if you're into food being well-fed is also very good for you isn't it? He has fun molding you into someone befitting of high society--no compromises to your weight or shape and no shit taken from those around when he can hear. Tailored clothing without a word of complaint. Dance lessons where he's, perhaps, a little handsy with showing you where and how to move your body and hold yourself. He likes the weight of your body in his arm when he dips you. He likes the 'extra padding' that makes it feel like he doesn't have to worry as much about his brute strength when he's sleeping with you. The soft and """imperfect""" shape of your body takes him away from the pressures of the things he has to do and the ridiculous standards of high society. You're a grounding in reality, for a moment, before he goes back to the fake world he works in. And well since he doesn't have to be fake and maybe doesn't have to be as gentle, you can have a few glimpses of the former Vice Captain of Vagastrom and the way he appreciates every curve of your body with strong, rough hands, squeezing and caressing. You're much easier to lift up to a ghoul like him than you may think. He couldn't help himself when you react so well to sudden things like being grabbed, a swift and subtle smack to your ass or thighs, being scooped up off the ground--

Kaito - Kaito's interest started off with bad pickup articles that told him that fat people were less confident and thus more readily available and easier to flirt with. That turned into 'well what if I do land a bigger person' and actually putting in effort to understand what he should do and what he should and shouldn't say, and how he should handle a chubby partner's body and. . .he wound up in a rabbithole of pictures and video that filled his head with all sorts of appreciation for something that hadn't really done anything special for him before. He's not a big guy. He is the shortest of all of the ghouls and faculty save Cornelius. He's also not the biggest in terms of his body--he's pretty scrawny and a little softer himself, actually. Not chubby, but. He definitely feels closer to you than to everyone else around him who's in stupidly amazing shape. Even if you aren't unconfident about your body the way he is about his, he feels more comfortable and a little less like he has to idk push to be someone he's not when you can just be you(or, well, you don't have a choice really, you can't really just pretend to not be chubby.) Also, something about being with someone who's body kind of overwhelms his own does it for him--he kind of has to admit his 'weakness' there but he certainly won't let it stop him from working around it. Also. . .as a ghoul he's physically stronger than a human and being with you makes him feel strong! He can lift you up, believe it or not! He sure as hell doesn't believe it!!! Definitely not with as much ease as others but!!! Also, bonus if you're into pastries and sweets--he loves baking and he will feed you. And if you appreciate that he can bake pretty well he'll love you even more.

Lucas - similarly to Tohma, being from the UK, he's more accustomed to people who're bigger than the societal and cultural standards he's now surrounded with tend to find permissible. Again you might think that with his focus on training and strengthening his body that your body might be 'untrained' and he would find that unappealing--and maybe he does at first. But I think he would find it more appealing as time goes on. Even if you're 'untrained', there's something. . .admirable about that? It's difficult for him to put into words when he's trying to be less thoughtless. You aren't burdened in the way he is. You don't need to work yourself to the same degree to feel like you're achieving your goals. He could never be that way, certainly, but. . .he wants to protect you as you are and desire to be. It starts with a mindset like that, of being happy that you don't need to do what he does, and graduates into a. . .fascination. Maybe you train with him a little bit one day, even if it's just stretches or meditation. But the way you move and carry yourself is different. The way your body flows is different, and before long he realizes he spends a lot of time staring at your body. It's rude of him, but he thinks a lot about how your body must feel. About how your body moves when you do and what other ways he could see it moving--and he's not used to thoughts like that. He works himself up very quickly and easily without thinking about it. He would never burden you with his needs, but he can imagine what it would be like if you helped him. . .soft, warm, heavy, giving gently under his hands, your stomach such a contrast to his while pressed against it. . .round cheeks turning up when you smile at him. . .maybe it's just because it's you. He's noble, but he's not immune.

Alan - Much like Tohma and Luca he's a lot more accustomed to being around a varied type of people and his insane strength makes the prospect of someone who's, perhaps, a little less fragile more appealing to him. Which isn't to say he would treat you any less gently--you're still human and he's still. . .him. But he's a little less afraid of making mistakes. He doesn't have any sort of in-depth thoughts on what appeal to him about a bigger person beyond that--that and he really has an appreciation for. . .the contrast. He's more muscle than fat(which isn't to say he's the shape of some kind of body builder, he recognizes the importance of fat in maintaining his body's strength and capabilities, and also he eats a lot) and you're the opposite of all of his harder muscular parts. Also. . .your cheeks are soft and really cute. He pats them along with patting you on the head. He wants to hold you and bury his face against you but he's still pretty afraid of what damage he could do. . .but it's a lot easier to imagine safely doing so with you. Well, he still wants you to be careful.

Leo - Leo seems derogatory and egotistical first and foremost. He seems to be insulting your weight, your appearance, the way your clothes fit you, the space you take up. But oh boy. You somehow endure that and you will quickly find that Leo is one of the most physically affectionate people and it turns out he's all about touching you. He's a lot more cuddly once he warms up to you(and frankly that doesn't take long--he very well may be insulting you while cuddling you). And you have so many great places to lie down on and cuddle up to! And so much more space to leave marks all over too. . . . Eventually he'll be more straightforward with that he straight up thinks you're sexy and he likes the way your body feels and looks and there's no deeper meaning behind it--he's an asshole towards everyone, isn't he? How's it any surprise he's not any different towards you while still wanting to fuck you? Did you need him to spell it out? He's usually only blandly sweet towards people he wants something from, or to be mocking. If you want him to spell it out for you more he can--as long as you've admitted to liking him first--but he'll make a big deal about it.

Sho - Sho is a flirty playboy athlete and maybe that means you'd think he'd have basic tastes. Maybe you'd think if he came up to you and hit on you he'd be trying to make fun of you. Not so. He is very serious, even if he's probably not after something serious. But if he were ahahaha. Hahaha. Congratulations. Sho is a catch. If you happen to be a fan of food and eating he loves when people appreciate his food and he will feed the absolute hell out of you and praise you for eating and being big(and if you gain weight then that's just as much as a compliment.) It's not really a feederism thing, he just really likes cooking and he really likes when people appreciate the flavors and effort behind his food(in contrast to Leo who always lets his food get cold and smothers it in hot sauce--). That aside, Sho loves showing off. He's also one of the physically stronger ghouls thanks to athleticism and he can lift and throw you without it being any sort of effort. And he thinks it's fun to do that! Especially without warning you!! (He'll only throw you onto his couch or bed, you're not in any danger. He might move you places though, or use your body as a weight to lift.) Sho is pretty direct about his thoughts and feelings--even if he takes his flirting back half the time--so he would probably be the most open about that he specifically finds that you are fat attractive. He. . .might be a bit of a fuckboy about it and make a lot of sexual comments about how attractive your body is(which isn't to say he won't say anything about that you're attractive in general! You're absolutely cute/hot/pretty/sexy/beautiful/handsome/[preferred aesthetic compliment here] even when he's not sexualizing you and aside from your weight, but he'll let you know that, yes, something he finds attractive about you is your size/shape/weight.) but rest assured that you probably won't be left wondering if he finds you attractive. He'll tell you. Like Leo, he also likes to leave marks so. . .be ready for that too. Oh, are you worried about Bonnie? She's fine! She's a strong girl. Get on the bike.

Towa - Towa is another one who doesn't have a lot of thoughts about this. He very much likes what he likes. He's also another physically affectionate and strong one who likes to show off how strong he is--everything about your body appeals to that he wants to scoop you up and cuddle you and protect you. You're cute and weak and that doesn't change even if you're chubby. Your round face and soft neck and hands and tummy are extra cute! In the past, he wouldn't have felt this way--but his feelings changed along with his feelings towards small, weak things. Expect a lot of unannounced contact, getting picked up and carried places. . .well, that's kind of normal for Towa regardless of body shape--

Ren - Similarly to Leo, he seems kind of mean at first. . .but he's tsundere, that's how he is. His complaints are mostly about you taking up space and sexually harassing him(touching him due to perceived lack of space.) But. . .he actually really likes the warmth and softness pressed against his side. He just won't admit it. He'll complain the whole way as always but he's not good at being subtle about looking at you or actually choosing to be near you. Making excuses as usual. Once you're close enough he'll. . .continue to complain about lack of space. . .while getting in your space and lying against you while he plays games or watches movies. People keep telling him how lazy he is and how fat he's gonna get if he keeps slacking off but. . .it fits you pretty well. Would it really be all that bad? He likes cuddling up to you(when offered or when he eventually gets over himself or blurts out that he wants to, whichever comes first) and maybe you'd like cuddling up to him more of he were bigger. What does he care. (When you sleep together, as expected he makes you do all the work. But he loves that, the feeling and sight of you riding him or sitting on his face, smothering him. . . .)

Taiga - Taiga is not allowed to eat people. Taiga is not supposed to eat humans or other ghouls and he and Romeo and their previous captain and Nicolas put a lot of effort into weaning him off of cannibalism despite that he honestly does think anomalies taste better(humans are just more readily available and he's gotta bring anomalies back, not eat them.) That being said in Taiga's eyes you are marbled like a wagyu steak and he wants to bite into every part of you--he always thought that more fat made a human taste better. That has not changed but has, instead, manifested into a different sort of allure. Maybe he wants to bite you a little, but he won't. . .not any more than he'd bite most anyone else anyway. Instead he'll pet you and grope you and tell you to wag your tail for him(and you have so much more tail to wag--) and maybe his nickname for you(because unless you've got a real short but also unique enough name he's not gonna remember your name, so you'll get a nickname) will play on your weight or shape. And his hunger will translate to other types of hedonistic hunger--he loves using his mouth and tongue and you will feel it even if he doesn't use his teeth. He also hates to be cold and will expect you to get in his bed and warm it up for him--and also stay there like a good cuddly pillow. You're perfect for all kinds of things he likes and, kind of like Sho, he's not a guy with a filter--he'll be a little blunt about how much he likes specifically that you're chubby and how perfect that is. And how hungry it makes him. But he won't eat you unless you're an anomaly, so don't worry! He's just gonna bite you and bruise you and cut you but he'd do that with just about any partner, so don't think too hard about it!!!

Haku - Once again, you are the pillow partner for your lazy boyfriend here. You're gonna be cuddled and kissed and slept all over. But also, Haku is much too flirty, much too appreciative of you and your body, and he has no shame about telling you you're attractive and that he wants you--he's not as perverse about it as Sho but you will never have any doubt that you and your body are well loved by Haku, as if he would ever leave room for any doubt. Hold his hand, let him put his arm around you no matter who's watching, sit in his lap whether or not you're invited. Haku is such a simple, loving flirt, how could he possibly not be drawn in when there's more of you to love? He doesn't like using his ghoul strength but he does like showing off for you, so if you might like being carried like a princess he wouldn't even think of it as something that might be "more work". It's never work if it's to please you. Yeah he likes his sex lazy and slow but that's all the more time to indulge in your body.

Edward - Ed is similar to Taiga in that his vampiric predatory instinct plays into his attraction to your body--but he's got much better control over himself. When he says you look delicious he doesn't mean it as much in that he wants to feast on you as that he wants to feast on you. (The videos he's been watching have been filling his head with rather. . .offensive thoughts on fat people. You want to prove him wrong, don't you? Of course you do--it's not fair that he thinks that way. . . .Filling your head with thoughts? Don't be silly, he's assured Darkwick he would never engage in any form of enthrallment. . .it's in writing, if you want to look into it.) He's also in the 'I'm used to more varied body types' group--both because he's been all over the world and because he's old. People's bodies were generally more well rounded when he was younger. Not that he's picky, but your body is more familiar and welcoming for him. On top of that he feels so much more comfortable at rest beside you--you're warm and plush and he is so very tired. . .and if you want to lie on top of him like a comfy living weighted blanket he won't have any protest. He's a whiner always saying how weak and delicate he is, but he's a ghoul and a vampire and he's just exaggerating so he can get away with being lazy. He would be happy to have you atop him--in many measures of the word. He is a little cold, isn't he? And his room, similarly cold? If you'll help warm him up he can return the favor--he might just need a little snack from between your legs. . . . No need to worry about him, he doesn't need to breathe, so put all of your weight on him and don't have a care in the world. He may need your body to solve a little problem that's arisen once he's had his fill, but it's okay if you want to take the lying back role while he puts in the effort--he's much more energetic after a meal, after all.

Lyca - (Of course if you're a girl you're evil and scary and dangerous but. . . .) Even if he insists he's human, he has a very animal mind much of the time. What's there to dislike about someone who's body is clearly well fed and also better suited to winter? That means you're healthy and don't have to worry about starving or freezing right? That makes you a good mate! You're also a more fun art subject--if you let him draw you, he'll put so much love and work and detail into every curve and dip and aspect of your body. He may touch or circle you to try and get a good feel for the work he's doing, but it's not for a perverted reason! He's trying to draw you right!! For some reason, maybe because he considers himself human, Lyca doesn't feel as much of a predatory urge towards you--as long as you're not nearing a full moon anyway. You definitely seem more like a plump prey animal then, but he won't let that change anything. You're both humans, so he's not going to treat you differently. He does have to resist the urge to push his nose into the rolls of your body where it's warm and your scent gathers more, but he's happy to snuffle up to you(as long as you don't touch his blanket) all through the night. Sex is. . .he's still getting used to thoughts like that, so you may need to help him a lot. . .but he's very engaged with the movement of your body, the bounce and ripple and the feel under his hands. . .it's a very human experience, his senses say so--this isn't like how wolves do things, this isn't how wolves feel, this is human and he's human and you're human and. . . .

Jiro - in medical studies there's a gap in understanding of effects of medicines and illnesses on bodies considered "overweight". If there's a gap in knowledge in regular medicine there's sometimes a similar one in anomalous medicine. Gaps in knowledge make Jiro curious, they make him interested, and lo and behold he's been drawn to more interesting subjects. He doesn't usually think in unprofessional thoughts, but if something interests him more then isn't it worth thinking about when solving certain problems? You'd never know he has such an attraction to bigger bodies because. Well, Jiro rarely shows any interest in anything. If anything he expresses the interest clinically and requests your assistance in filling in gaps. Obviously you're only one person and that's nothing for a sample size, but it's a start. He's so analytical regarding your body that it's almost. Sensual. Carefully recording fat distribution, asking about history. Is your body this way because of diet, exercise, medical history, genetics, something else? Weight loss never comes up as a 'solution' unless there's some aspect of your weight that might actually verifiably be an issue(such as with effectiveness of certain medications, but even then it's a last suggestion compared to 'try a different medication' or 'increase dosage if you're comfortable doing so.') He finds your body interesting in a clinical way and that leaks over into a personal interest. He's spent enough time studying your body medically that he's interested in. . .studies outside of his usual area of expertise, I'm sure he'd say. Has the growth of your body affected your nerves and, if so, are you more or less sensitive in certain places? How do your stretch marks feel--do they itch or hurt or have any sensation at all? Do you like when he touches them? Cellulite is a harmless, painless part of fat accumulation, is the same true for you? He's stroking you a little bit more than you think is necessary for an examination? You might be right. That's his bad. You also might be right to point out that he's a little aroused. He'll handle it when he's done, so will you comply a little longer? He has more questions and tests he wants to run. This isn't official work, so you can stop whenever you want. It'll be a long time before he really addresses his sexual interest, but that's normal for Jiro. It'll be faster if you. . .offer your assistance, of course. But he won't make it unprofessional if you won't. (Jiro also likes baking because it's a lot like making medicine--precise numbers and amounts, mixing things in the proper methods and orders--so he's another 'I'll feed you if you're into that' boy. Don't worry, he won't put anything strange in your food. Probably.)

Yuri would specifically be more attracted to fat women(or feminine people--) because there's something. . .motherly about that to him. And we know what a mamas boy he is.

I don't think any of them wouldn't find a chubby or fat partner attractive except maybe Romeo. Romeo very specifically because he has a voiceline in which he complains that you look like "a fat slug" when you're bundled up in the winter, and more or less says he doesn't wanna be seen with you like that. Which doesn't necessarily mean he's not capable of being attracted to somebody bigger--it much more likely means "that doesn't fit you in an aesthetically appealing way and you are not meeting my standards"--but it struck me as sticking to conventional standards in a strict and negative way. He'd just need more time to like you and your body would have to come after. He has no problem feeding you on his birthday so it's not like he's going to force you to be skinny.

BUT UH. THERE'S THAT. I HOPE IT ISN'T DISAPPOINTING OR UNPLEASANT. SORRY THAT SOME ARE SO MUCH SHORTER THAN THE OTHERS. MAYBE JUST A LIST WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER BUT I'M NOT GOOD AT THAT. . . .

[scientia-rex]

Do you have thoughts about dealing with your ADHD without medication? I'm in Europe where the laws are different and its haaaaard to access meds. (Immigration is very bad for consistent health care)

Yeah, I mean, caffeine. Caffeine in the mornings and propranolol if I overdo it or have too much caffeine after 1pm. Caffeine has a variable half-life depending on your genetics, so for some people they can have caffeine within about 4-5 hours of trying to sleep and for me if I have it within 9 hours of when I want to sleep I'm a little fucked. (5-9 hours is a relatively typical range for half-life.) Caffeine has active metabolites, which means that as your body processes it to break it down it creates different molecules which are still stimulants, so it's not as simple as "caffeine in, break it down, inert molecule out." You also need to be aware that your brain WILL develop tolerance, so taking drug holidays where you have a chaotic, disorganized day will help when you go back to work.

Another alternative is Strattera, generic name atomoxetine, which gets marketed as a "non-stimulant" ADHD medication. In my opinion it does still have stimulant qualities and the classification has more to do with legal status than medical reality. However, it does have a tendency to cause nausea, so I usually start people low (10mg) and ramp up to 80-100mg, which is target range for efficacy for most people. It doesn't seem as effective as the stimulants but it also doesn't have the legal implications of the stimulants.

Wellbutrin, generic name bupropion, is an antidepressant, but it's not the same as SSRIs or SNRIs--it has its own combination of effects on neurotransmitters that makes it a cousin rather than a sibling drug. It can be used (off-label) for ADHD.

In terms of other things I do to help myself cope, setting and maintaining a sleep schedule is critical. I definitely always feel like I'm being asked to wake up at the equivalent of 3am for other people. This means I need to make sure I go to bed and get up at consistent times, including days off. Bed needs to be for sleeping and intimacy and not for being activated--not for reading, not for hanging out. "Sleep hygiene" is about training your brain that when you go to bed, you go to sleep. The bedroom needs to be quiet, cool, and dark. You can Google sleep hygiene for more information on that.

Learning how to learn was critical for surviving med school. I didn't struggle that much with the material even in grad school, though I was more miserable overall in grad school. The sheer volume meant I couldn't just read everything once and figure enough would stick; I had to read, listen, watch, and eventually I figured out that I really needed to draw pictures and make myself flash cards if I wanted to actually force my brain to retain anything. Making sure I was physically comfortable, including that I was fed, hydrated, and didn't have to pee, was also part of the process. Getting there involved lots of tears and failing multiple tests.

Cleaning can't be an all or nothing proposition or nothing ever gets cleaned. When I start cleaning, I just grab whatever I'm walking by that catches my attention. Fuck doing whole tasks at a time consistently. Move those three bowls to the sink, in the kitchen realize I need to take out the recycling, take out the recycling and realize on the way back in that I have a load of laundry to start, start the laundry and realize I need to pee, while I'm in the bathroom realize I need to clean the counter, clean the counter and realize I need to take out the bathroom trash, take out the bathroom trash and realize I still didn't pee, continue until I'm too tired and then sit down and have a snack and a nap. My house is still a black hole but it's infinitely better than my apartments when I was younger.

Accepting that you can't do things the neurotypical way is a big part of it. Giving up on how things "should" be and recognizing what you can do and how you can do it is critical. I will never stop crashing into things so I've bought rounded furniture that hurts less when I crash into it. I'm slowly designing a life and a home where I'm playing to my strengths, and although it's a work in process, I'm slowly becoming happier.

[bomberqueen17]

*vibrating slightly in place*

So ok. When I was in kindergarten, my classroom was arranged so that four desks were linked together, so we were in little groups. I used to regularly vibrate my desk and the three it was attached to, with three other children in them, across several feet of floor space, until the linked desks ran into the teacher's desk, which was larger and did not move with the force of my vibrations. I was a good student, but hard to control, and markedly uneven in my ability to like. Do anything. "Well," my mom said once, upon beholding my entire spectrum of a report card, "we'd just hate to be bored."

When I graduated with my bachelor's degree, seventeen years later, my mom said "I never thought you could do it," and when I, shocked, said "what?" she said "well what with your ADHD and all," and I said "my what?" and she said "well, i never wanted to shake your confidence, and I thought once they put a label on you it'd be over, but you super have like, turbo ADHD. Why, what do you think your deal is?" She said it nicely and not in those words at all, but it was the first time I'd ever really realized that I wasn't just mildly eccentric, I did seem to actually have something wrong with me.

I've been trying to get a diagnosis ever since. I've never been able to. I had no health insurance at all for a huge chunk of my twenties, which put a damper on things. One doctor told me "you'd know if you had that" and when I was like "I... do" she was like "no i mean. you'd already be being treated." Which shows a wild and totally unwarranted optimism in our medical system, but she was a resident. The doctor overseeing her care of me suggested I try taking fish oil capsules. To "rebuild my brain tissue".

I did. It didn't help. I still buy them but mostly I use them now to get my cat to take pills.

Eventually in my 30s my doctors started sort of believing me maybe, or at least realizing they couldn't really brush me off (I have gotten... less easily-cowed as I've aged) but they were all like "oh, I can't evaluate that. You'll have to research and find a place that can do a neuropsych eval for you. Insurance doesn't cover those. So good luck. Have some antidepressants in the meantime."

I slid into my 40s, still undiagnosed. I read as many self-help books on the topic as I could find, did all the checklists I found. They all said "girl you super have like turbo ADHD." I tried meditation. I tried divination. I tried bullet journaling, which was hilarious. I tried yoga.

I actually damaged myself doing yoga and am banned from yoga, but at least I'm in physical therapy now. (Word to the wise: if you have really really flexible hip joints, don't fucking do yoga. "Usually I don't have to tell people not to get into that position," said my bemused physical therapist. "Oh," I said, blissfully bepretzeled. "It feels super good." "Mm," she said, "you've torn your labrum. Stop doing that." Now I do really, really boring stretches that don't feel nearly as good, but I also can walk without limping, so. Like. We take the good with the bad I guess.)

Anyway. My PCP in January was like "wait you didn't follow my super vague directions to go see 'the guys downstairs' and see if they can squeeze you into their eleven-month waiting period to get an evaluation that i cannot mention without saying it's several thousand dollars and your insurance surely won't cover it? you must not want this diagnosis very badly!" (At no point has anyone ever given me a phone number for 'the guys downstairs'. I still don't know what she meant by any of those directions. This PCP and I technically speak the same language but I've never understood a single thing she has told me and I don't think she understands a word I say in return, everything I tell her seems to be such a shock to her. You blame antidepressants for your weight gain? I've never heard of that. Ma'am please look up what the incredibly common side effects of antidepressants are.)

I called around but noplace both took my insurance and was accepting new patients. Finally I gave up. Then my Dude went on our insurance company's website and took over the search. He found that there's some kind of concierge service thing, which the insurance company normally charges $450/mo for but our plan includes it, because it's pretty well-hidden on the website and most people aren't ever going to find it anyway. So he said, you know what, I am going to instigate a query on this.

They took two weeks but eventually came back with a list of 13 places, most of them not remotely local. Ten of them were red X's, disqualified for varying reasons-- one because the phone number didn't work, another because it's a seven-hour drive away and doesn't do telehealth. One was in New Jersey. None of them were the local places I had already called.

Two of them were valid, but the insurance wouldn't cover the evaluation for various reasons.

One of them was fully covered, the insurance company said. So I went there.

Their website said "no you're not we can't see you". But Dude was like, call them on the phone. Surely, surely, the concierge service couldn't have lied??? Bet, I said, and called them and left a message, and said to him, if they call me back I will eat a hat.

But they did. They called me back. "Our insurance checker widget is down," they said. "But we do take your insurance! We can see you. We just don't know how much it will cost."

Ominous.

But. They could see me later in the week, via a telehealth appointment.

So I signed up.

The appointment was this morning. I turned up. Their insurance checker thingy still wasn't working so they couldn't be sure how much the appointment would cost me. I at this point don't care, and gave them my HSA credit card, and said do what you will.

I waited 45 minutes and then texted the number they'd texted me from with the confirmation, and a moment later the guy showed up. "Whoops," he said, "that system isn't working quite right either!"

He talked to me for like. Three minutes, and was like "yeah that sounds. Pretty textbook. I'm going to prescribe you stimulants." He then proceeded to take a very basic medical history, and I recognized all the questions because I have researched stimulant medication for ADHD so much. And he was like "We're going to start with Adderall, check at your pharmacy in like an hour." And then he gave me extremely useful and detailed instructions on how to take it, when to take it, what side effects to worry about, what to expect, what to note down in case it might mean a problem, and how to be safe about it. (He asked me three times if I'd ever been suicidal, and it had also been in the online pre-screening. I am aware that can be a rare but very serious side effect of stimulants!)

And then I went to Rite-Aid and I now have 16 pills in my possession, and i am going to wait until tomorrow morning to start taking them, and I am already scheduled for my follow-up in 15 days.

I have absolutely no idea how much any of that is going to cost, but for the record the pills were eleven dollars.

So. I don't know why the last decade of my life has been spent being told that a comprehensive and unattainably expensive neuropsychological evaluation was my only option. Maybe this place is a disreputable pill mill or whatever. But. I am going to get to try to medicate this disorder that has warped my entire life to this point, and I am going to try to see if I can't have some more control over my life, and if it doesn't work then at least I will know, instead of on my deathbed being like "i wonder if i'd ever tried amphetamines maybe I'd have been able to finish a project ever in my life, guess we'll never know".

Which was what I was starting to genuinely think was going to happen.

Literally though why can't a primary care doctor just refer you to a psychiatrist who can then decide whether you need an assessment or whether your condition is likely to respond well to a basic diagnosis?? I get needing the whole nine yards if you're not sure what's wrong with this kid and you don't want to give them the wrong thing-- like I know misdiagnosing a bipolar sufferer with depression can give you really bad outcomes, for example-- but-- I don't know? I don't know.

I just want to be able to start and finish projects. What I'd really love is to be able to make to-do lists meaningfully, as that is an ability I did used to have and now absolutely don't. I legit cannot make a to-do list in any meaningful or useful way.

So we'll see. I'm going to keep a journal and the real test of whether the pills work is to see whether I can actually keep the journal.

But I need to find some kind of edible hat, at some point, just to keep my word.

[nemo-of-house-hamartia]

I have to be honest, and this post is going to be without my buffoonery or tomfoolery.

I am entertaining the idea of getting back into writing a bit more, because my eyes really can use a bit of rest from the long hours I spend artworking.

But , and I am not exaggerating when I tell you this, the idea literally make me paralyzed with anxiety.

Yesterday night I managed to write those 400+ words for the artwork because I felt like "the main protagonist of the post is going to be the drawing anyway, so even if I fumble, it's going to be ok".

Also, while I am just a hobbyist, I am still a seasoned artist that has been working on her skill for more than 23 years. So, in a way, I feel, if not entirely confident in my skills, at the very least competent enough to know that I can create something pleasant to look at; but even then, I have always my anxiety hanging on my back like a freaking monke that has nothing better to do but bother me.

But with writing, I just become paralyzed with what I assume is fear.

Of what, I am still figuring out.

Because I feel this specific fear and block when it comes to writing an original character with a canon character (specifically, this was caused by my resurgence for Ardyn and Luscinia).

For example, when I was brainstorming for Aranea, even if my knowledge of the setting was limited to BG3 and before I started to actually deep dive into Forgotten Realms, I felt I was going like a breeze, with no fear, no uncertitude, just the brain never stopping talking and branching out by itself (which made my work immensely easier to be honest).

With Luscinia and Ardyn (but it can be even extended to Jacob and Dorothea, if one wants to talk about OC/Canon pairing), the same doesn't happen.

There is a block, a literal wall of nothingness that prevents me from writing and entertaining myself, despite all my willingness and WANT to just dive right into it, and allowing myself to have fun, and it's HORRIBLE. It feels like a freaking bubble in my chest that doesn't leave enough space for my lungs to breathe.

And while yesterday I was too tired to actually do some self-analyses of what the reason might be, this morning, after a good dose of coffee, I think I found one possible reason.

With canon characters there are limits that sometimes cannot be crossed, lest one goes OOC with them.

They are pre-made characters, with set personalities that one must respect in order to write them, and that, I found, put a crapton of pressure over me that only fan and fuel my anxiety, and this without even considering the high standards that I set for myself EACH and EVERY time.

Also, take in consideration that when it comes to creating and imagining, the only limits I like are the one I set for myself, not the one set by others (as it had happened with Dottie and Jacob, something that has partially ruined the fun I had with them), and that do WONDERS (*sarcasm*) for my ADHD.

On top of that, add the fact that if I see someone else with even a remotely similar idea as mine, I have the tendency of not pursuing it anymore because then my inner saboteur starts doing numbers.

Sometimes I am extremely good at ignoring the voices and doubt in my head that just mock me and ridicule me and fuel my anxiety, but sometimes they are just there to stay, like unpleasant roommates that cannot keep the kitchen clean and party at all times of the night😂

All this to say that I am basically a ball of anxiety in my little corner, rocking back and forth until this too shall pass, because I want to pick up the pen again for Ardyn and Luscinia, and I am utterly terrified by the idea.

But I so want to get back on track and write. I miss that so much.

[boilingcowboy]

so uhm remember when I said I could write two essays about how Percy probably misinterprets Annabeth being stressed/frustrated in a situation as her wanting to punch him because of the abuse he received growing up not only from Gabe but from his peers too.

And then two people told me to do it ? yeah so I have actually never written one good essay in my life so this will be a total shit show but I present to you:

Percy Jackson is actually just deeply traumatised and poor dude is just in full survival mode because of that like 24/7 ALSO stop hating on my girl Annabeth she has done nothing wrong.

Okay first off I will be talking about what happens in the books and the show (although I will mention I have only read book 2 fully and know bits and pieces from the other books and the show I need to rewatch so if I talk shit I apologise but then again this is the internet so why the fuck would you trust anything that comes out of my mouth ? Internet safety kids. Practice that shit it's important!).

And with that let me finally explain my shit.

Okay so my first point of why I think Percy is misinterpreting Annabeth in the first place is because almost every time Percy talks about he thinks Annabeth's gonna punch him she dose the complete opposite (either she hugs him or kisses him) so it wouldn't make that much sense in the first place.

Second is his history with Abuse and just the Trauma and the Trauma response that comes from that because not only do we know that Gabe was abusive both in the physical and non physical sense but Percy has mentioned multiple times how he was bullied by his peers again both in a physical sense (getting thrown stuff at and I think he mentioned fights also literally Clarisse dunking him in a fucking toilet) but also a non physical sense (mocking, getting left out, etc.).

Now not only dose that give Percy the trauma response of being on edge 24/7 but also the added fact that before Grover he only received love and care from his mother and no one else because well ADHD and dyslexia basically the hole being neurodivergent thing doesn't really get you plus points from neither your peers or your teachers and add the hole Demigod thing ? yeah poor dude is fucked.

But what i´m trying to say is that because Percy was 99% of the time met with violence in some shape, way or form from everyone around him except his mom for the first 11/12 years of his life so it only makes sense that he expects the same treatment from everyone else. And add Gabe and how he was only showing frustration and anger at him it only makes sense that because that's how he grew up and what he's used to, he immediately in his brain connects anger/frustration on someone's face when given towards him as "okay this person looks like this which means this person is going to punch me" (also the hc of Percy being autistic too here makes even more sense cus of so called bottom up thinking meaning him thinking first "she looks like she's gonna punch me" and then only after realising "oh no she's frustrated/angry" but that's for another post).

To somehow put this together basically my hole point is that Percy is just incredibly traumatised and on edge 24/7 because he had to be this way to survive. And that will affect the way he views people and how he processes their emotions because his brain is basically wired to do so, to recognise danger and anger so he can prepare himself which for him means expecting the beating before it even happens. And that's not to say he doesn't fight back because he dose but he also accepts it to cope with it better (if that makes any sense, really hope it dose).

Anyways if I said anything wrong I do apologise!! I am not trying to spread misinformation about trauma and etc. so please feel free to correct me!!!! (the spelling mistakes ignore those okay the english language can personally suck my dick)

[loser-female]

Math masterpost!

So you want to learn math. Good. Math is amazing. I studied physics for two years and I miss it SO MUCH. Learning math isn't just cool, but it's a great way to improve skills such as:

Resilience: sometimes you will get stuck for a while on a problem - this is absolutely normal for college-level problems. You won't start from here though;

Self confidence: mastering a subject known to be difficult is fun;

Problem solving: you will be less likely to just sit down and do nothing if something comes up in your life, you will be able to try to find a solution.

It will change your approach to failure as you will become more flexible in your thinking.

Unfortunately most people never learn how to properly study math. We all probably know how to study a book over humanities. We start by reading the material, then we take notes of the keypoints. But this method doesn't work with math, and math teachers often don't really know either.

For the basics I've made this post here. To sum it up:

Please don't start with "but i suck at it". Because then your brain will actually prevent you from learning (self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?);

Realise that you need to master one topic before covering the next one or you won't be able to progress;

Really, the methods you use for things like literature or psychology or whatever won't work

Now I'm not a genius, I always was and I always be a terrible student. I have adhd, depression and chronic pain, all of which add a difficulty layer with learning.

I feel like most people fail because of the first point. I've seen this with people I've tutored IRL, people I try to fix their pc... Don't be the person that gives up before trying because no one likes that. Just don't. Remember that you are learning on your own and no one is going to grade your excercises. Now take that and make a poster out of iy.

Now, resources Where To Find The Stuff.

Khan Academy. I didn't follow this courses becuase well, university, physics, but everyone references them.

Professor Leonard

The Math Sorcerer

3b1b (curiosities in math)

Vsauce2 (fun)

numberphile (this for understanding math memes)

r/learnmath resources are great!

A great study method

Proofs? Proofs.

A 3 page document on learning math (but it's cool)

Terry Tao's famous post "there is more in mathematics about rigour and proofs"

Remember that, even if you don't like a specific youtuber, source or anything it has been a while since college and high school teachers started to upload their own material. Generally, looking for like "calculus pdf" will give you a lot of resources. Youtube is full of university courses of every kind and it's so good to access all of this knowledge for free. I cannot recommend you anything regarding textbooks because I still have my high school one. Also yes, i've used the Rudin as a complementary textbook in university but that's a bit too much.

I really, really want to emphasize the mentality part. Leaning formula is useless if you feel like garbage because you weren't able to solve the first exercise you picked up after a decade not doing anything.

My personal and sparce advice:

Unless you have dyscalculia don't use the calculator. I know, I KNOW. But this "lazyness" will make everything 10 times more difficult.

Beware about overlearning. Basically, when you solve everything at the first attempt and you keep doing the same thing over and over because it feels good, but the truth is that you are wasting time. This is the time to move forward.

Try to differentiate between a knowledge error(did I actually study the subject?), a conceptual error (did I understand the material), or a mere calculation/distraction error (fo example a missing sign, writing the wrong thing etc)

Try to solve the problems in different ways if you can.

After a certain time, It will be useful to review things done in the past, (ref: spaced repetition method).

Write everything down. Reasonings, steps etc. It will be easier for you to review them.

This posts keep crashing so I have to call it quits now.

but:

have fun

[stromuprisahat]

I love your takes on the grishaverse so I was wondering what you thoughts was on the theory/headcanon that Alina didn’t really lose her powers but unknowingly locked them as she did before the books’ beginning? Maybe there was a period where she couldn’t summon light bcs she was too exhausted and stressed out by the whole ‘final battle’ thing – banishing thee Fold, Mal’s ‘death’, Darkling’s death – so she assumed she had lost it. And then it was easier to unknowingly continue like that bcs it allowed her to remove herself from ruling and making any decisions and just have her simple co-depended life with Mal as she always wanted.

Personally, I don’t think that’s what happened in canon (certainly not what Bardugo meant) but I find it feasible as fanon interpretation, considering how depressed and deluded Alina appears post-RAR.

I'm more leaning into the explanation, that she intentionally, yet subconsciously rid herself of them (and maybe revived Malyen, when we're at it, since the second life bullshit is just that- bullshit that doesn't make sense, since no other amplifier's running around the same way. But then again- I'm very skeptical, when it comes to Malyen actually being one- he has no properties others do.).

Alina recognizes that as long as she's Grisha, she won't be able to be only with Malyen, and she already admitted she's trying to mould herself into whatever he seems to want from her.

Merzost doesn't seem to be random- it's driven by intention. Ilya "upgraded" mythical animals to have certain properties, Aleksander fucked up first, but then managed to find a way to actively protect his people, when in situation his powers weren't enough. Alina lost what made her special, but since her goal wasn't finished yet, other Sun Summoners sprang into existence and fucked up destruction of the Fold, because it's merzost-made, therefore logic tells us ordinary Small Science shouldn't be enough to vanquish it.

It's true the previous time Alina worked with merzost, her powers "disappeared" for a while, but the "magic" also isn't working from nothing. No matter what we're told, there is a cost, some input. It's not "pure creation". We can see it, when Sasha makes nichevo'ya- he's using his own essence, his life force or whatever want you to call it, to draw them into existence, so Alina would need ~something~ to distribute her powers among others, and the amplifiers are just that- they amplify, wider one's range, not give a new ability.

Besides- there's the question of what grandpa Ilya wanted. If he aimed at Grisha being accepted, instead of othered, why would he take away from one the give to more. It might look pragmatic, but the range is too limited and even if he created such "tools" over and over- he'd only make a new caste of "once-Grisha", instead of levelling the playing field.

One of my fellow fans also pointed out that if merzost is magic, perhaps Alina used it to become an ordinary otkazat'sya. I don't believe so. She might've made herself to appear as one, but after all those books spent reading how is being Grisha integral part of their being, something that makes them themselves... looking at post R&R Chapter 17 Alina isn't looking at slightly more traumatized Alina that can't summon the Light because it's not a part of her. It's looking at a husk of the girl, just like the ends of previous books, when she was suffering due to missing her powers on physical level.

And her lack of skill, when using merzost previous time would support it. She locked away her powers and her hair went white the first time. She got rid of her Light, but her body "remembers" it's missing something.

edit: Also- thank you for (positive) feedback, I'm not being rude, I'm just an social idiot with totally not ADHD, so I get focused on "the point", and forget the social stuff like greeting and replying to nice words, which ARE very motivating for me, but HERE'S THE STUFF I'm thinking about and my brain's coming up with coherent answers- LOOK!

[allastoredeer]

I read the new chapter of Holy Suffering as soon as it came out and I love the way u write Lucifer. For the past few days I have been reading Radio apple fanfic and I hate how lucifer is portrayed in most of them, shy , innocent with Alastor after the fight, and kinda out of character for the both of them, cause they suddenly like each other, and I don’t see it in them. They like to piss each other off, that’s the whole ship point.

Ur Lucifer is so sassy, Hits all the Good Characterization checks in my brain, he’s such a delight to read, same for Alastor. U had me going speechless most of the time Alastor spoke, cause I honestly didn’t know what he was gonna say next. Writing Alastor it’s probably hard, cause he is misterious and always hides his emotions but You totally nailed it. Right now he is probably angry at Lucifer cause he ratted him out lol

Al be like the audacity of this man after he forced him to do this.🙄

Anywhizzle I just wanted to ask, for the overload meeting, is Charlie gonna send Lucifer with Alastor? Maybe as a snake or something, to make sure is he okay. Cause she really sounded mortified that she didn’t notice that Alastor was suffering and man Al definitely didn’t like that, but it’s not like he can say no to Charlie so

A nd is there like a schedule for next updates? I am really invested in this story and I honestly can’t wait to read more of it.

Thank you ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Hahah Lucifer's got bite to him, for sure. He doesn't come off as the shy type to me. Awkward as hell, certainly. In the throes of depression, absolutely. And he cares about Charlie's opinion of him to a fault. But when it comes to someone throwing their weight around--or, more accurately, getting involved with Charlie (cough Alastor helping Charlie with the hotel, couch Adam fighting/hurting Charlie cough) he isn't afraid of getting his hands dirty.

Alastor is hard to write ಥ_ಥ I love him so much, but sometimes, I want to cut open his head and properly study his brain because f;knslnjsbj out of all the characters, he's the hardest for me to pin down, in terms of both dialogue and actions. He has such a way of talking, and such a distinct voice (his radio filter) that it's simultaneously easy to imagine his voice, but hard to put it to dialogue. So, I really appreciate hearing that I nailed it (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) Seriously, it's so appreciated to hear.

Nah, Alastor is going to be going to that one alone :3 It's going to be set in his POV, so we'll get some insight in his thoughts on the whole thing, and how he's handling his current affliction. I'm both excited to and nervous to get into it, because writing him in someone else's POV is hard, so writing him in his OWN POV is a little intimidating, but I'm mostly excited. I have a lot of thoughts for this series, and it's gonna be fun to explore them.

As for a schedule, I used to try to keep myself to one, and I've found that I have both a love/hate relationship with it. One the one hand, keeping a writing schedule is nice because it gives me a clear view of what I want to work on and an goal date to get it done, which is very nice for my ADHD brain.

BUT, on the other hand, when I start putting that pressure on myself to get it down, and I fail to actually reach that goal, it hits me pretty hard and it can take away my motivation and joy in writing the fic. It starts to feel more like a chore than a fun hobby I can do in my downtime.

Thankfully, I am DEEP in Hazbin Hotel hyperfixation, and the amazing feedback I've gotten from my fic's is certainly fueling my motivation. So thanks to everyone leaving kudos and comments! It's seriously so helpful and I cherish ever single one of them.

If I had to give an estimate for when the next installment of the series will drop, I'd say either at the end of this week, or the beginning/middle of next week. I have an unrelated AppleRadio one-shot I want to bust out before I work on the next installment, and that one I'm going to try and post by Thursday or Friday.

To quote out favorite Radio Demon,

~Stay Tuned

[kouyou-arc-when]

Hey, this is a great ask and I am so sorry for not replying earlier. I am responding like this because I actually broke the character limit since I'm dumb -_- I've written a lot of posts about this on reddit, and many people came up to me and asked me something similar. Your line of thinking is good. Regarding Dazai:

So, the thing is - to properly diagnose any personality disorder, you need to talk to that very person to understand their inner mechanisms. There are certain behavioral traits we can observe from the outside and make some guesses based on that: for example, Dazai's broadly dented empathy and why that's often found in people with ASPD.

However, for many other personality disorders it is very difficult to conclude much without the person saying ~I feel x because of y. I do c because of b.

Why? Personality disorders are internal structures that cause a person's behavior to be challenging to either them or others. To understand these mental processes is much more demanding than seeing a person just feels sad or anxious, to explain it simplistic terms.

The key behind many disorders is to know WHY a person is doing what they're doing. This one thing changes whether a person has x,z,y,t,n or whatever condition.

An example: BPD and CPTSD are often mistaken for one another. Same as with BPD, CPTSD, Autism and ADD in women, but BPD and CPTSD tend to have the largest "overgap", you can even have both at the same time. That's because many of the outside observable symptoms are the same.

An example: unstable relationships are a symptom of ALL of the above, but BPD is sort of...an outdated PD according to many specialists due to the fact that it was used as an "everything" disorder, where people with socially unconventional emotions were dumped. That's why you'll find two people with BPD that are almost nothing alike.

However, even if we hold to classic diagnostic criteria, let me show how the same symptom can be a product of entirely different circumstances.

For example: Someone with BPD will have unstable relationships due to an extreme fear of abandonment. Someone with Autism may have unstable relationships due to differences in communication styles Someone with ADHD will have unstable relationships due to various circumstances: emotional regulation, executive functioning etc.

So really, the outward result may be the same, but the cause is different.

However, now, typically the main reason someone could have BPD is either due to extreme splitting, favorite person behavior, numbness and/or abandonment issues.

Dazai 100% has "favorite person" syndrome going on with Oda - the way he idealized Odasaku and then devalues everyone around him in comparison is pretty clinical - doesn't mean their relationship isn't lovely, but it's certainly something a therapist would take note of.

It's no shocker Dazai has unstable relationships, but we don't 100% know why he does what he does.

That's the whole thing Asagiri said - the character is meant to be like a donnut, where you don't really know what's in the middle - so it's extremely difficult to say which PD fits him for sure, probably even more difficult than the average neurodivergent character. In my opinion, several interpretations of Dazai are simultaneously valid due to the fact that you could assume multiple personal struggles within him, and come to a reasonable conclusion.

Does Dazai have abandonment issues? He says he always loses everything he wants, is EXTREMELY bitter over Ango, and definitely shows some levels of "splitting", especially in how he treats Oda vs Ango, Akutagawa vs Atsushi etc etc.

I'm pretty confident he has PTSD, and everything that comes with that. He certainly has a personality disorder too, due to the fact that a lot of his difficulties stem from his personality, and not just brain chemistry.

Kunikida says that most of his emotions "seem" like an act, which raises a lot of questions to what is even happening on the inside. Asagiri said Dazai is really only himself in front of people like Oda and Fyodor. That version of Dazai is...much less cheerful than with everyone else.

I don't personally think Dazai is autistic since he has a good hang on social cues and overall communication. Mamoru Miyano said PM Dazai was still learning to communicate with others back in his Dark Era days, but it wasn't that he couldn't do it - he was just not interested in learning it.

I feel like Asagiri gave Dazai this "unrealistic" trait of being primarily isolated because he's extraordinarily intelligent (which is not how geniuses tend to feel irl, most of the time) but I always feel like there is something more to it.

There is definitely some /disconnect/ between Dazai and "normal" people, where he doesn't fully seem to understand certain things, he falls short there. As someone who has CPTSD diagnosed, I get the impression he maybe has a similar thing going on as many of us: A extremely traumatic experience disrupted a lot of normal emotional and cognitive processes, and now he's both extremely hypervigilant and unable to snap out of that "shellshocked" state. He needs to "perform" conventionality, and being a normal person.

In one wan chapter, he "made a joke" that you start doing one bad thing after another, and suddenly you feel nothing at all. That's the trademark numbness in both CPTSD and BPD.

There was this TDIPUD moment where he talks about how a personality is just a bunch of unstable premises that survive to uphold the basic instincts of the human mind - but how it's easily destroyed for that reason. This is a scene where he tortures the guy, and I was like "wow, I really get it". Severe trauma can just destroy the very structure of your personality, because extreme pain just numbs everything within you. "You" as a person can't survive.

BPD is also related to an unstable sense of self - which could be connected to the former paragraph. Sometimes lowered empathy is also a byproduct of BPD, in fact, the thing is that both BPD and CPTSD come from trauma 99% of the time. They're shockingly similar disorders.

So, does Dazai have BPD? No idea. He could also be schizoid to some extent, which is funny, because Franz Kafka had this disorder, the author that inspired Asagiri's nickname.

For now, I'd just leave at he has CPTSD for sure

Most of these disorders are very broad descriptors, and it's difficult to label most humans in a way that will genuinely encompass what their experiences are. Most of the time, these diagnostics are used to match a person with the best treatment available, or to explain what they're going through - so I don't think there is a perfect diagnosis for Dazai aside from PTSD, but he's definitely extremely neurodivergent. Thanks for reading <3

[writingquestionsanswered]

Not sure if this was asked before but... how do you get your *passion* back for writing - or any old hobbies at all? Maybe bc of ADHD, but I used to hyperfixate on writing, reading and other things. They were my world. Now, when I actually have time to write... my interest is meh. Mild. Barely exists. But I'm still interested. Just not passionate. My heart doesn't flutter at new OC ideas anymore - or ships. Or family dynamics. I'm bored... what gives?

ADHD: Interested in Writing, But Not Passionate

I really struggled with this. Mainly, because I have a hard time wrapping my head around, "My interest barely exists but I'm still interested." I can't make sense of that.

I've written three different versions of an answer, none of which I liked in the end, because I think the long and the short of it is this: you can be interested in writing generally, but stuck on a WIP or unable to get started generally. And there are all sorts of reasons why you can be stuck on a WIP or unable to get started generally (including executive dysfunction... thanks, ADHD!) However, at the end of the day, if writing was a hyperfixation for you, that may be all it ever was. Even if some part of you is still "interested."

Which brings me to a story from answer attempt #2, which I think is still worth sharing. Years ago, I hyperfixated for weeks on a particular historical topic. I couldn't get enough. I read about it, watched documentaries about it, subscribed to magazines about it, fell down topic-related rabbit holes for hours at a time. My brain needed to understand every single thing there was to know about the topic, which was troublesome because everything about this topic isn't known... even by those who study it.

One day, my attention shifted to something else, but I never really lost the "interest" in this topic. My ears still perk when I hear something about it. I still skim articles about it when they come up on social media. I would probably pause in my channel surfing if I happened on a documentary about it. But my interest isn't the same. It's not enough for me to dive in to the extent that I did when it was a hyperfixation. And this was tested by the fact that not long ago, I visited a museum with a whole wing dedicated to this topic. And I knew it was a big deal that I was there, and that hyperfixated me would have blown a gasket out of sheer joy, but I just wasn't able to engage with the exhibits the way I wanted to or felt I should. I was looking at the artifacts and absorbing the words on the exhibition labels, but I wasn't feeling anything about it. It all fell flat. Which was kind of depressing, to be honest.

So, I'm telling that story because I think there's a very real possibility that may be what's happening for you with writing. It may just be a hyperfixation that still interests you in some way, but which can never really inspire that same level of interest you once had--unless you become hyperfixated on it again, but there's no way to force that. And there's no way to know for sure if that's what's going on except to try some of the things suggested in the links below to see if you can troubleshoot a cause or kick start your motivation. If not, it may just be something you did once and may come back to again eventually. ♥

Guide: Filling Your Creative Well Guide: How to Rekindle Your Motivation to Write Getting Excited About Your Story Again Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists 5 Reasons You Lost Interest in Your WIP, Plus Fixes! Feeling Unmotivated with WIP

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

LEARN MORE about WQA

SEE MY ask policies

VISIT MY Master List of Top Posts

COFFEE & COMMISSIONS ko-fi.com/wqa

[not-your-bro]

do you have any ud hcs? It could be anything idc

ooh, free rein! sure sure. josh + chris are def the characters i most frequently rotate in my mind, so some stuff about them off the top of my head...

josh

film studies major. i must admit i don't adhere to the psych major he's given in canon, though director/producer roles aren't my first choice for him either. he goes all-in on tangible stuff for his prank, so i put him in the practical effects arena.

artist in his spare time, but big surprise he's cagey about it. like, chris sees josh's sketchbook in josh's room all the time, but he's never actually looked inside.

with both movie sfx + art, josh is practical > digital, and he only dips into digital effects or art when he absolutely needs to. i just think he's a tactile sort of guy who prefers to make things with his hands, so creating on a screen alone doesn't give him the same satisfaction.

on social media in that he has accounts, but they're sporadically active at best. he can be slow to respond to texts/dms and his responses can be short, which gives off the impression that he's disengaged or bored. he isn't, he just doesn't want to be on his phone.

this is a longstanding hc of mine that i've absolutely mentioned before, but: designed hannah's butterfly tattoo! didn't really understand why, he was like you know your tattoo artist can do one for you, right. but she insisted, and he obliged.

gay as fuck. realized young, came out young, very comfortable. as demonstrated by the fact that, much to everyone's annoyance, he wears shirts that say shit like 'employee of the month at the dick sucking factory' in public.

chris

ok, so i've reached the point where the chris in my mind looks different enough that i get a little jumpscared when i see him in-game LMAO. i hc him both taller and heavier. he's gotta be at least 6 ft. and a chris hartley who's thin is no chris hartley at all. not to me.

does not come from money, like lower middle class. i have two totally different hcs about his family that both feel real to me: one is that he's an only child, his parents divorced when he was a kid (old enough to understand, but not quite a teenager), and he lives with his mom. the other is that his parents are not divorced, and he has a big family - lots of siblings. i've been going with the former in my fic lately, but both work for me. the constant is that his family's economic situation is more precarious than most people in the friend group, and family trips with (and funded by) the washingtons were his primary vacations.

has adhd. i find 'always on his phone bc he just loooves technology' less interesting than 'always on his phone bc he has existing attention problems.' this went undiagnosed for a while, and his performance in school suffered for it.

speaking of, he is not all-around school smart. like, emily may have strengths and weaknesses (even if she'd never admit them), but she can swing As across the board. chris cannot. he's getting good grades in classes that interest him or cater to his solution-oriented brain, but he's terrible in any class where there's no right answer. english, art - he does not get it. love him to death but his media literacy is Bad

bi as fuck, but it was a journey. thought he was straight for a long time, dismissing any attraction to men as a 'who hasn't had gay thoughts' kind of thing. i think it took him a while to come to terms with it bc he had a lot of internalized shit to work through. if a friend came out as bi, he'd have been like cool 👍 but him? surely not! he got there eventually though.

wowee this is long. as a lil bonus hc for another character, i'll add that i don't think jess went to college - i think she went to a hair/beauty school. she loves what a social job it is, getting to chit chat with clients all day, and like josh, she does best when she's working with her hands.

[sophieinwonderland]

Preface: People are going to assume this is a response to recent drama. So I want to say that I started writing this draft before that one blog's response to me. It was shortly after midnight on the 8th when it was just barely what I consider my Birthday. I was reflecting on my 3 years of existence and where I am now. The fact that I got the response I did later that same day is a total coincidence.

I don't feel like I have friends anymore...

That's an awful thing to admit.

I have one other system I feel like I talk to with any sort of regularity, who I love and consider friends. But they're not involved with syscourse which is so often where my mind goes. And so I don't talk to them about it because I don't want to trouble them, which means I don't talk to them because I can't think of what to talk about.

What else do I care about?

I mean, there are other things I care about, but they probably wouldn't care about those things. And I struggle to find something to say. Something that feels worthy of their time. But again, not syscourse or something that would bring them down.

I've had other friends. But they've faded away with time. One by one.

And a lot of that is my fault. I'm not good at being a friend or knowing what to say. And I'm not very good at opening myself up.

And when I can't think of what to say, I choose to say nothing. I ghost people I like because it's hard to maintain those relationships.

And I'm aware on some level that this hurts people. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who treated others the way I do.

And there will be times when I'll decide to do better. I will, with full confidence, say that I'm going to change. I'll be a better friend. A better person. I'll fully believe this is something I'll succeed at for the rest of the day. Then the next day comes and that conviction melts away.

I think one reason Jaiden's story of having ADHD appeals to me is that if this was the problem with us, maybe, we could identify it and then just take one little pill and it will fix me.

That's a nice fantasy, isn't it?

A naive fantasy that ignores the fact that I'm in the brain of someone who was homeschooled and barely had any friends as a child either. But it's a nice fantasy to hold onto anyway.

So, yeah. I don't feel like I have friends, for the most part, outside our system. I have a blog. I have followers. I have plenty of mutuals I like interacting with.

But there aren't people who I truly trust to let in. It doesn't feel like anyone actually knows me or who I am anymore, if anyone ever did.

Since I haven't posted on it for a week and don't know when I'll post on it again or if I will, here's a confession: I made @anti-lies! Sorry to ruin the mystery for anything speculating! Though I didn't think I was even that subtle about it.

But the only person I know who guessed it was me was SAS! Which, congratulations! But also, that's kind of a sad thought that the person who might know me better than anyone is someone who was my archnemesis for the past two-and-a-half years.

To be fair, SAS did imply that other people might have guessed it. But if so, whatever circles those conversations are happening in aren't ones I'm in.

Oh wait, I'm not really in any circles am I?

I'm on the outskirts of the community. I mean, that's sort of by choice really.

Public posts can bring more awareness of plurality and tulpamancy. Locking myself in Discord servers or some isolated community makes me feel like I'm wasting my time because I need to be talking about it publicly where the world can see. I really, really don't want to be part of a Discord server. It's my choice to stay out of those spaces and I don't regret that decision.

But sometimes it's weird when I realize that most everyone else is. That they're actually in plural communities in a way I'm not.

I wonder, do people even realize I'm an outsider? Again, by choice. I've been invited to servers and chose not to go. I'm not being ostracized or anything. I've turned down attempts at bringing me further in. No one is to blame but myself. But either way, the result is that I don't feel like I'm really part of the communities I spend so much time advocating for.