#which is bad in terms of improvement
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actually my toxic trait is that I've never ever thought that my writing was bad idk what you guys are talking about
#not that this is a good thing!#there is something to be said for a healthy amount of self-doubt#or maybe self-doubt isn't the right word but you know. eyes to see how you could improve#I'm not good at taking writing advice and I'm not very willing to receive criticism#which is bad in terms of improvement#and I know this from my experience learning other skills which I'm not as confident about#but for some reason I'm like yeah no I like my writing and I don't particularly care what anyone else has to say about it#esp bc I feel like so much about writing is subjective and if my stuff isn't someone's cup of tea. well#I'm simply not going to take them as an objective authority#This is not to say that I think that my writing is some amazing fantastic better-than-everyone-else outlier#it's not it's just also not bad
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you know, i always find it really funny when dudebros complain about syndicate and odyssey being too "jokey" or not "taking its characters seriously" or whatever…
like, did y'all collectively sleep through "it's-a me, mario!", "i meant besides vaginas", ezio inventing the latte, bartolomeo's... just... *gestures vaguely* entire character, etc?
like, it's fine to have preferences of course, i myself prefer a more serious and grounded tone, but these are usually the same people who tout the ezio trilogy as "peak assassin's creed", call ac1 a glorified tech demo and hate on connor for being "too serious and boring", like? make it make sense!
#asscreed#ac syndicate#ac odyssey#dont get me wrong#i do have problems with syndicate and even more so with odyssey#but it's not the tone lol#honestly i think kassandra is the protagonist that's the most similar to ezio if you really think about it#but bc she's a woman she's suddenly 'overpowered' and 'unrealistic'#yall don't remember the insane things that ezio survives in revelations do you#speaking of which#been replaying the ezio games lately#and i have something to confess...... i really don't think ac2 is good#ac brotherhood was a BIG improvement#in terms of story pacing for one (none of those insane unmotivated time jumps... well aside from the strange montage at the end)#and the characters are a lot more fleshed out (probably bc there aren't like 20 of them)#and the handling of female characters is MUCH less egregious#maybe bc there's only really claudia and caterina left LOL#lucrezia is a little annoying i guess... but she gets a pass bc she's cesare's sister and really they're the same kind of crazy lol#and hey we actually get to see how dangerous sex work can be and how it's not just a way for sexy nuns to give inner peace to men#even cristina gets fleshed out!#and i like that we get so see ezio being a little bit of a selfish prick in her missions#and making bad decisions in interpersonal relationships#at least i THINK that's what we're supposed to take away from it... but who knows maybe it's just supposed to be a tragic love story...#i hope not.... i hope the player IS supposed to think that ezio's treatment of her is bad. otherwise.... :/#sorry for rambling#guess im just kinda surprised by how much i enjoyed brotherhood#it had been a long time since i last played it#also the modern day is really good!#that you can talk so much to everyone and also being able to read their emails and the mundane banter... idk i just think its neat :)
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Yay I finally managed to make my 2023 art summary! First half of the year was a little disappointing looking back (in terms of both amount and quality). I think I managed to make more personal work this year, thankfully, which is what I wanted last year
#i think i had more examples to use this year compared which is good#esp the latter half of the year#in terms of improvement? i am starting to draw backgrounds..#i dont even think i have a 2022 art summary good lord (i think its bc i did mainly comms and barely any personal art...)#i also started making my own merch which is a step forward! ive been meaning to make them since 2021#itll arrive either tomorrow or thursday. ill share them when i get them#this year has also been less consistent in terms of art style. i wont say if thats good or bad#i had a bit of an art crisis in the middle of the year and then i had reached enlightenment in november#which is that i will stop gaf abt the amt of other people liking my art#i want to be those niche artists who stick to their own lane and post their 50 million merchs of their fav ship. that will be me!!!!!!#im having a junmui plush manu'd in jan so im excited#i also plan on making photo holders and standees and etc etc later on#art summary#munch art
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i keep finding reminders of how i used to act/type a few years ago and i shrivel up. and die.
#i am so so so glad that i'm still on friendly terms with a lot of you guys because i am not a strong enough person#if i was interacting with someone like my past self i think i'd keep a long distance before gently closing the door#drags my hands down my face. the masking was so much. too much.#i stumbled across drawings from 2016 or so and a lot of it was based on memes my friend* at the time liked#which i vividly recall thinking 'this seems really weird. but i think it'll make them laugh!' which. in fairness. it did#but i'm just not & have never been the sort of person who is wholly comfortable acting like that anyway#it always felt off. but i'd lean into it because it's all i really knew people expected of me & i was scared of making a jarring change#which. in a sense. losing my ''best friend*'' & primary discord server at the time somewhat helped w that transition period#into. well. what i am today!#i like to think i'm still silly enough but in a more authentic way to myself & my own humor...#it feels a lot more real - the ways in which i put myself out there. i don't have the weight of feeling like i 'must' close myself off#i get to be open. whether it's here or among friends. i feel more genuine and - ironically - alive; for better and for worse i suppose#jestersvaguely#*the same person. not very good for a multitude of reasons + they were twice my age at the time#which isn't inherently a bad thing to be clear. but combined w a lot of behavior they facilitated + topics of conversation it's... well.#but i digress#i'm glad that things have improved - generally speaking :]
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my new fav common argument used by Tumblr's Absolute Authorities of George Martin's Work (towards the end of a debate when they don't have any actual arguments left) is that "Fire and Blood is bad". it's bAd u guyz! what are we even fighting about? oh you thought we were having a genuine debate about whether the tv show is a faithful adaptation of the source material and the implications of the different perspectives for the characters, premise, lore and overall message of the story? well fuck you we're not doing that because guess what, the source material is BAD anyway and the 98494 receipts you just gave us are useless now because we just moved the goalposts and you're a loser for even engaging with the source material to begin with lmaooo
#kudos for excellent logical fallacy and premium bad faith discourse!#also nobody said that FxB was the most fascinating shit we've ever read#I personally find it dry but still interesting and I was hoping for an adaptation that would give a bit more life to it#so YES you geniuses the source material could be improved with some changes#that does not mean that the SPECIFIC changes that tv show went for make it BETTER#you need to first establish the terms of the debate#what is it we're debating about?#are we talking about whether that tv show is a good and faithful adaptation?#(which is GENERALLY what people debate about concerning ADAPTATIONS)#or are we talking about whether Fire and Blood is a great book?#these two are not the same questions because FxB not being a thrilling reading experience does nOT mean hotd is a GOOD SHOW#point A does NOT lead to point B#I feel like I'm talking to 5 year olds#aspa rambles#anti hotd#how many people do I have to block for my peace of mind
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but is it even possible to write a review of an early PGW book without comparing it (unfavorably, of course) to Jeeves and/or Blandings (the only books this man wrote!) and affectedly mimicking Woosteresque slang?
#random personal stuff#I was thinking about rereading one of his books that wasn't utterly ruined by That Man#and am idly reading reviews out of curiosity#I wish more readers would approach his school stories on their own terms rather than getting mad at them for not being his later works#and the Woostertalk coming from anyone who isn't actually in a PGW book just grates on my nerves because it reminds me of That Man#(which is a me problem I know)#I wish I could enjoy these again without the baggage!#but maybe revisiting a school story won't be so bad#the worst he got with those was trying to claim that they endorsed bullying which is a Good Thing#but The White Feather at least refutes that thesis#(the fact that the protagonist's being bullied influences his choice to improve himself does not mean that it was a positive thing)#good morning everyone have a tangent nobody asked for!
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[pericky; a look into ricky's head during their meeting.]
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"I'm glad you came, I wasn't sure you would." The wine pours, the sound of it drowning out the missing word in that sentence: back.
Of course, is the response, and the part of Ricky that's spent twenty years tearing itself apart to understand why vibrates with relief. It doesn't matter anymore. Of course, of course, he thinks giddily along with the words. He never needed to wonder why Pericles wasn't coming back in the first place; he was always going to.
I'm happy you invited me, and of course he thinks again. A lifetime of pretending he wasn't always going to either falls away. However harsh and lonely the world has been, all's right with it again; and the shy voice of the boy inside him that he's tried so hard to kill says, so quietly, I missed you.
#sdmi#scooby doo: mystery incorporated#pericky#ricky owens#professor pericles#anyway fucking end me actually. lay me down to die#i said i was gonna write more pericky and by fucking god i did#the 'why did you do this to me' to 'oh thank god you didn't actually do this to me' pipeline of abuse folks 🥲#which like. their last conversation is yet another devastating example of ricky finally standing up to pericles' bullshit Too Late#ricky denounces him in the strongest terms he knows; based on his own feelings and opinions and the way he sees the world#(which: even then he can't bring himself to say 'i don't love you anymore')#(the closest he can get is 'i chose you and i can't take it back; the only way i can imagine not loving you is if i never had at all')#and pericles tries to go 'nyeh nyeh whatever i don't care' (and does a real bad job of pretending he is not obviously hurt lmao)#and ricky doesn't try to understand his logic; he doesn't try to reconcile a world where pericles didn't *really* mean to do anything wrong#his response is MAYBE YOU *SHOULD* CARE.#pericles' view of the world and what's right and acceptable are warped and *wrong* and he's the one who needs to get his shit together#'you shouldn't have abused me you shouldn't have killed cassidy you shouldn't have murdered a child in cold blood'#that is MASSIVE and i think it is really telling that pericles' response is to shut him down with force instead of trying to argue any more#and that in the end is the real true fucking tragedy of it all#ricky is making huge strides one after the other to take back his freedom from pericles emotionally#....and materially it makes no difference to improve his situation in the moment; because pericles doesn't have any less power to abuse him#he never has a triumphant moment where he Overcomes His Abuser and Breaks Out of His Control#there's nothing he can do to fight back until pericles is too Literally Dead to control him anymore#it is one of the rawest depictions of the reality of abuse i've ever seen and just. God. i love it so much#(at the same time i REALLY want to explore a version of events where he got the chance to expand further on that growth)#(the 'all witches are selfish; make all things yours; i have a duty' speech from the wee free men comes to mind)#whosebaby makes things#whosebaby writes#SDMItag#dyn: when i die i want you to die too
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cant wait to be on tumblr to live blog when im like 31 and finally decide to give romance a go and have my own little yuri rendition of cherry magic (no virgin telepathy tho) for the remaining 20 mutuals that haven't left here either. def looking forward to that
#I'm not really like weird abt the fact I haven't really done anything in that sphere. and its funny bc i usually like tell ppl when romance#and all that comes up and ppl are always like 'ur joking' and its always like no dead serious but they just kinda accept it bc i do not giv#them the room to be qeird abt it which is nice bc like. idk i refuse to feel bad or weird abt my own boundaries. ive gone thru enough damag#and trauma to recognize that I do not form relationships or be vulnerable with anyone. and thats not great and like to improve in that real#but 100% at my speed. on My terms. society be damned.#also the avoidant attachment style is sooo there. idk i just think its embarassing to be in love. i want sooo badly to feel the full#weight of love in my life. but the parasites. the parasites want me to isolate yk#but yea! anyways bed time soon its sunday
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#weight loss cw for the following tags#i need to word vomit some stuff out#pain stuff recently got super bad#like i was waking up crying bc it was so bad and i could barely move#and ive been doing pain management stuff with my doctor and hit a bit of a wall#so im trying to lose weight to see if that will improve stuff#BUT my pcos makes losing weight stupid hard even without the pain making exercise suck hard#so we're in the process trying some drugs to help and see if we can get things started and my metabolism back on track#and mentally its been a v weird few days coming to terms with it#partly bc of frustrations about my body just never doing what i want it to#im fine with getting the help i need but i just wish my body wasnt fighting me on every front#and partly bc if i lose the amount of weight im hoping to it will be an obvious change#and i know some people in my life are going to make v unkind comments#and im dreading that already#which i know is my anxiety spiraling and catastrophising#but its still stuck in my head and making this harder#especially bc i dont want to lose weight for aesthetic purposes so i dont want those ppl commenting on my body#but there will be no avoiding it. i must mentally prepare for it
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i need to stop forgetting things exist the fucking second they leave my field of vision. why is is impossible for two things to occupy my mind at once especially when im tired. like. i feel like a sim. i feel like actions are being canceled and i just. move on. and completely forget what i was doing moments before. i fucking hate it
#i feel like it’s getting worse too#like its always hasn’t been great but the past few weeks have been especially bad#why can’t i remember things!! why is my short term memory sucking ass!!!!!!#like if i don’t write/type things down i loose it#making me wanna rip my hair out what the fuck is going on!!!!!#gonna start playing those phone games that improve memory or whatever#it’s either that or going to my mom for an essential oil recommendation#i know it’s probably some undiagnosed shit but im also like. i can’t keep blaming whatever is wrong with my brain because its a problem with#/me/. ya know?? like. yeah it is something with my brain. obviously. but i need to take some sort of action to fix it. and i dont know what#that action is#besides the two options i said before#or carrying a fucking notebook around and writing down everything. which is stupid also and i know won’t last a week#problem is im gonna forget about any rule i come up with since as soon as im preoccupied with something else. i’ll forget the rule#i would need a hat with the reminder on paper tapped to the hat#so it’s always dangling in front of my eyes#i don’t know what else to do at this point!!!!#it’s making me so worried about going away for college. cause yeah i did really well at community. but if i have the deteriorating memory#of a goldfish who’s constantly banging its head against the glass. how am i gonna make it through university.#i love writing essays in the tags that no one will read <3#having a ball rn. a great time. not feeling like a waste of resources at all rn. feeling great.#if my mom doesn’t let me wear my earbuds tomorrow i think ill scream#anyways. gonna bake some blueberry lemon sweet rolls tomorrow#me rambling#i love being undiagnosed#but let’s be real#being diagnosed won’t give me anything other than more of an excuse#because i can’t go on meds with my current living situation#and i also don’t really want to go on meds because i don’t trust them#feeling silly i think ill actually post this one maybe someone has a suggestion for what to do#vent
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#vent in tags#(because it’s less embarassing here)#I don’t want to get into every grimly detail#anyway so tired of the parent I live with calling#me a bad person most days — or lazy or selfish or inattentive#I’m so tired of hearing them say I have no charisma and am socially incompetent#and that I’m not quiet and when I say o don’t talk nearly as much or as loud as they do they say I’m gaslighting#I’m literslly always called a gaslighter.#I dint understand what I did or what’s so hard to understand about me#I know it’s difficult being them but they’re such a hypocrite s;l the time#like 2 days ago when they said for me to internalise my thoughts and I barely even speak to them anymore#and they go on ranting about my estranged parent constantly unprompted to me and my brother and calling them VERY derogatory terms#we do not need the fact one of our parent’s left us constantly rubbed in our face! my family members (other) said they should internalise it#so I know I’m not crazy and they’re being a hypocrite.#but I feel I’m victimising myself to create cognitive dissonance and I am bad and lazy#and that I’m using trauma and my terrible anxiety (which I’ve been trying to improve on) as a shield to those facts#I feel crazy I feel I’m the wrong who’s wrong#I think 2 different things — that they’re actually in the wrong but I could be trapped in my own head#I don’t know I don’t know why I’m blamed for every misfortune#I can’t stand Io for myself because as soon as I talk I’m told to shut up. say I’m wrong. and do what I’m told.#I hate this I hate having a parent who doesn’t want me much and the other who calls me a burden#they used to be really good parents I don’t even know ‘maybe they are and I want to displace blame#I’m so confused#I don’t want to live as anyone else though because losing any of my abilities terrifies me. because I know internally I’m still capable#vent tw#tw vent#tw parental issues#tw negative
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// Hello everyone! The time has finally come once again: I’m done with the semester and free from exams!
I’ll be gradually returning to activity here as well as resuming work on threads. My efforts are going to be divided between a variety of hobbies besides writing that I've also been neglecting, as well as working on some life habits, so this might be a steady but slow improvement. That being said I expect that the sheer stress that's been lifted from my shoulders is going to make a substantial difference in my ability to do things here.
I've mentioned before that I wanted to review my list of mutuals, and that's still the intention, but before taking that measure I want to get a better understanding of what my energy and mood for RP is right now. I want to test how comfortable I am in this blog and the dash without the outside influence of studying impacting my experience.
I hope you're all doing okay, and if not, I hope your next days are brighter :]
#ooc#I am so happy and relieved to be done with it#the massive contrast between me today VS me a couple of days ago in terms of mood and behavior#tells me that I've still got a lot to improve in terms of how I handle studies and other things#but we're working on it and that's what matters. I'm getting to understand myself better#and learning strategies to fight my bad tendencies and difficulties#anyways I'm excited to pick this blog up again. Summer heat does funky things to my focus so I have to look out for that#but I'm feeling optimistic#as for reviewing my mutuals list I want to give priority to those who actively show interest in what I do#and have gone out of their way to keep in touch keep plots going etc#which I think I've already been doing to be fair#nothing wrong with anyone who hasn't of course. We all have our stuff going on and I understand that#part of the reason for the mutual cleanup is also having more energy to be proactive myself. Approach those who haven't been able to
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the ending of scar/vio main story actually had me crying. like I already cried when arven's dog recovered but this had me big crying.
#also this is totally my own gender bias but i think thematically sada is better than turo in terms of the story and themes#and like being emotionally gripping as a character#obviously paternal relationships and maternal ones are equally important#especially since in both cases sada or turo are arvens only family#as i say this as someone who prefers my father to my mother btw#... well i think since ive also literally only played scarlet and havent seen the turo scenes i am just having this bias#i think fatherhood is also a good subject that can be just as emotionally gripping#even if their lines may be the same#but if they have more lines about fatherhood i think that improves turo#also like theres so much to say about gamefreak having more than enough money to have made a better game HOWEVER#i also played rune factory 5 which has REALLY BAD performance so like.#i know its not nearly as big of pokemon but like if we ignore that#pokemon is alright#not like excusing it just saying i still had fun despite everything
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i had a good day i like having things to do but unfortunately i have just remembered i am insane</3
#currently. in this moment#currently i can't stand the enorrrrmous gap between what i recognize as good writing + how committed i am to improving the skill#(not very) (i am not committed i have never committed or honed any skill as it's a very vulnerable position to put yourself in)#(or let me rephrase that i feel unusually insecure and existentially threatened when i have to start from zero and make mistakes)#(which is basically all of life. so it's abnormal i know it is. but it's where i am right now and i'm not climbing out of this one anytime#soon)#so listen i didn't sign up for this. i don't even want this really and i double triple quadruple don't want rules and advice and#indirect criticism. the latter no one at all on planet earth can avoid bc every sentiment and opinion expressed can reflect on you in a way#where was i what gap. right so i am not actually disciplined or motivated to learn/discover/get better at creating something#so that's the gap‚ i know what i should be trying to do or what i should want or what i should strive for. i know why. i see i hear#i understand#it's just that‚ i am aware that psychologically that is not in my best interest#like long-term it is but in actuality it isn't. d'you know what i mean?#but i have my compulsions. and those don't care they operate on a different level#so there is a bit of an opposition. so what happens‚ and this is the important part‚ what happens is i do it and i feel bad.#unless i close my eyes and ears. and i feel bad right now#and i'm bummed#and then i question everything and wonder why i'm alive#and i said insane because if i didn't have compulsions and obsessions? if i lived a real tactile present life. day to day and only cared#about how i can improve my life and the lives of others. and how i can become useful#directly. if i was someone who could access that. then i wouldn't have this problem#i know this sounds like “if i was different i would be different which would be good”. and that is exactly what i'm saying yeah#so this is my journal entry for today. i felt good when i was doing something simple for 9 hours and then i 🧠made myself feel bad#kata.txt
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My last 10 years have sucked absolute ass (mostly. i mean, I got married and that didnt suck) but hell be damned I have made it 10 years! I didnt think that was going to happen. Things still suck, actually, but I lived! I didnt think I was gonna! awesome!
#noelmermaid.txt#i just learned about something called rumination a fancy term for over thinking in a downward spiral of emotions i think#and ive already been catching myself doing it for awhile now and trying to redirect my thoughts#which is an effort in progress but little by little its working#but I was doing it again and this time it occured to me that its been 11 years since some of the worst parts of my life#and by the end of 2025 all the worst worst parts will be over a decade behind me#and maybe the rest of the recent years have sucked but they didnt suck as bad as they did before#and maybe theyll keep improving which is an exciting thought#also a complete 180 from the feelings I had this morning during the peak of my cluster headache#if not for the severe migraines Id be happy actually and thats nice
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"Tbf he wasn't meant to immediately come back, I just felt pressured in the moment and I was like fuck let's just get it done with." Not to keep beating a dead horse but the whole Alec bullshit was a clusterfuck and a half anyways. You're alright. 🤷
It was messy, but that last part was properly talked through. Honestly, the sudden quick coming back was on me
#Originally originally he was just meant to die#Obv in terms of lore he was meant to die at 31 which is something he's aware of#Which is why he's always kind of just#Doing absolutely everything#Because he's acting within known time restraints#And looking at this notebook full of the experiences of his future self#And trying to ever so slightly change things so things are less messed up#And the background horror being that the current experiences are because of so many essentially timeloops#of Darian improving things and that if what they're going thru is bad- just imagine what it was before#That's still partially what's going on#But the og August plan was his actual death so I could go and focus on the next part of my life#But yeah no a lot was happening and I felt pressure that wasn't particularly there
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