#noelmermaid.txt

[razette]

My last 10 years have sucked absolute ass (mostly. i mean, I got married and that didnt suck) but hell be damned I have made it 10 years! I didnt think that was going to happen. Things still suck, actually, but I lived! I didnt think I was gonna! awesome!

[razette-tv]

It's been a rough week. I was going to write a little about Spy x Family, but it turns out we had watched 90% of season 2. I just forgot because sometimes migraines do that to a person. I should write up my general thoughts on it, but as I said. It's been a rough week.

We jumped into Fairy Tail. We are three episodes in, and I had to quit for a nap. Woohoo!

As much as I like naps, I also need to do some work, so we are continuing with One Piece today.

[razette-moved]

I'm not sure I really want to work today. What I should be doing is self medicating with caffeine and finishing dishes. What I want to do is clean up my main blog a little so I can link here? I wanna talk to people about anime but I forgot i only follow with my main. Maybe I'll move this to a main blog.

[razette]

the fact that I am not going to just spontaneously combust when this migraine reaches its pinnacle of pain is extremely anticlimatic. Migraines should always come with highly destructive pyschic powers.

[razette]

i need more than 3 hours of sleep. im gonna lose my mind.

[razette]

what i need is to start my own website and obsessively learn coding. nothing quite scratches the itch to hyper fixate on numbers quite like staring at coding and begging it to tell me where i went i went wrong. i heard neocities? is really picking up again. what a time to be alive!

[razette]

cluster headache here to fuck. me. up. my brain is crawling with bees. maybe the bees are trying to escape.

[razette]

Finally a tumblr ad targeted at me specifically...

I would LOVE some blue pigment thanks I pinky promise not to eat the forbidden blue lemonade...

[razette]

I hate when I get a migraine that makes me tired, so I get ready for bed and lay down... only to find that im not at all tired I was simply photo-fatigued. Lights were too bright. now theyre off and ive been laying here for 2 and a half hours.

[razette]

I was really worried we werent going to have food, but it turns out we have about 8 meals and so much fucking cereal and pancakes.

Also the fruit they gave us looks amazing. I love grapes and nectarines!

After that I am not sure. I have a lot of rice and beans so maybe I will try and make a "soup" (its never really soup after i add the rice, but whatever.)

This cant last, tho, because these food boxes do not provide enough food to last more than a week. Still helpful. im gonna have to stock up on chili and spaghetti supplies, but it might let me buy more meat.

[razette]

Oh wow. Got up to eat and drink, as one does, and the migraine anxiety hit extra hard. Nothing is wrong, its just a migraine, but my kidneys are convinced the world is about to end. bruh, we arent going to grocery store, calm down.

[razette]

Bah. knew when I woke up ravenous this morning it was going to preceed another migraine. I always have a headache, but some migraines are hungry. But I did manage to go to bed on time AND even get four hours of sleep. Which is great! but I usually wake up after four hours if i go to bed at the "wrong" time... whatever that means.

[razette]

why is making a consistent and clear tagging system so hard >:(

[razette]

I try to keep my amatyptaline far away from my ibuprofen because Im extremely worried about taking 4 of the former instead of the latter during a severe migraine. they look the same.

[razette]

Making friends online can be as easy as talking to people but I actually dont know how to do that? Online, i mean. I feel fine talking to people in person. like, sometimes it is awkward, but... words kinda come out your mouth and then also theirs and we can make it work, you know?

My voice online feels SO STILTED. Who talks like that?! I guess i do. wtf.

[razette]

I think what I like most about decorating games is that it reminds me that I do have a personality! Im just fucking poor.

So many times, all over the internet, people say "your space is a reflection of who you are." I sometimes need to remind myself that while that CAN be true, if you look around your space and think "damn, i must have zero personality" or "my identity is entirely my depression/adhd/etc" ... let me reassure you that just isnt the case. You have a personality and it isnt just your specific flavor of neurodivergent.

Im poor! My adhd makes organizing absolute hell! Both can be true. I got rid of most of my stuff and moved cross country MORE THAN ONCE in less than 10 years. The first time we moved we packed what could fit in a 1996 Toyota Corolla Deluxe and moved 2000+ miles away. If it didnt fit, oh well, sucks to suck!

We did it again in 2023, but this time it was a 2016 nissan rogue and a small uhaul (that someone rented for us!) This apartment is nice, but I dont have ways to organize my stuff! As in I am lacking simple basic organizational things needed to make functional use of my space. We didnt bring hangers or laundry baskets (but we have replaces those) because there. was. no. room.

This nice huge closet next to my bathroom is wonderful, but it doesnt have enough shelving. I have a lot of things that need put away, but it cant be because I have NO way to fill the 6 to 10 inches of unused vertical space on each shelf! To be able to use that vertical space I need BUY the necessary organizers! The reason I cant do that is because I am poor!

My couch is ugly! Why? because it was literally 50$ and smelled weird when we first bought it. Frankly we are just lucky it didnt have bed bugs because bed bugs are an unfortunate reality of many cheap or low income apartments here. Just like ants and roaches are a fact of life in cheap apartments in florida, not because we or our neighbors are dirty-- the apartment building itself was literally rotting. Rotting wood is literally their ecological niche. That is where they are supposed to be. That is just a fact of life. oh well.

Some people, like my best friend or my sister can make anywhere they live feel like a second skin. My sister can do this with cheap paint, paper, clear fucking packing tape and what ever stuff she owns. I dont get it. I cant do that. I have to THINK about how to put a space together before I can do it.

playing a small decorator game can help you remember that you are not only your circumstances. at least it does for me.