#which for some reason I found even funnier

[dyns33]

Family's beginning

Going back in time, to the start, but from Alfie's point of view, about the moment he met the woman of his life.

Most people thought Alfie Solomons was crazy.

For his part, he saw no reason to contradict them. Because they wouldn't believe it, because it could be very useful in business, and because it wasn't entirely false.

However, people seemed to confuse madness with stupidity.

Again, very useful in business, even if it could be a little insulting.

Far from being stupid, Alfie did a lot of things by putting on an idiotic face to lure the real idiots out, making them think they had a chance to fool him and gain an advantage over him. Then he would crush them without the slightest remorse.

One of his favorite games was looking for a new secretary.

Alfie didn't need a secretary. He knew how to keep his accounts, knew all his employees, his associates, his enemies, and above all, he trusted no one, not even himself.

If he announced he was looking for a secretary, it was to give his competitors the opportunity to send pretty spies, to whom he would give bad information, psychologically exhausting them, before dismissing them rudely.

He had already had Italian secretaries, Irish ones, Russian ones, policewomen, communists, but this was the first time he had a Shelby.

Nothing indicated at first glance that this girl was one of the Peaky Blinders. Her name wasn't on the list of suspect candidates. Too pretty, too intelligent, too good for this world, she clearly didn't belong, and yet here she was, asking for the job.

The light in her eyes, her determination, a slightly annoying side that made him tremble—many details reminded him of Thomas, though he couldn't explain why.

It took a little time and money to the right people to uncover one of the Shelbys' best-kept secrets. A half-sister. A bastard. Adorable.

If he'd decided to hire her before learning this more important piece of information, Alfie would have found the situation even funnier and more interesting now. He had enormous leverage over Tommy, which the idiot had put directly into his hands.

At least, he could have had leverage. If he hadn't fallen in love. In his long, bitchy life, Alfie Solomons had fallen in love three times.

The first time, when he was five, with a much older neighbor who'd gotten engaged to a jerk who didn't deserve her. The second time when he was sixteen, completely drunk in a tavern, by a barmaid he'd never seen again. The third time in France, half-dead, asking the nurse looking after him if she would marry him, and despairing when he learned she was already taken.

Well, in hindsight, maybe Alfie had never known the true, real thing. Not until Y/N Shelby.

"Good morning, Mr. Solomons," she'd say, bursting into his office right on time with the same intensity, not caring if she disturbed him, woke him up, or annoyed him. "Here's some tea and today's documents to check and sign."

"I thought your job was to check them, treacle."

"Of course, and I did, and they're all correct, but you'll still want to make sure. I brought scones too, you haven't eaten since yesterday."

She was right about the meal, and the lack of trust, and the perfect accuracy of the documents she'd checked. Alfie was completely charmed.

It wasn't a good thing, not at all.

In a perfect world, he would have proposed to her, several times, until she accepted because he was handsome, because he was stubborn and annoying too. They would have had a beautiful wedding, and everything would have been magical, simple.

Oh, he asked her to marry him every day, but he knew it wouldn't be easy, nor would it ever happen. Because she was a Shelby. Not only would her brothers never agree, but they could use it against him.

And frankly, Y/N could do better. She deserved better.

"I really don't understand what you're doing here, love."

"Well, it's Thursday, I'm checking the sales, as always."

"Hilarious. I'm mean, here with me, in my bakery, when you're smart enough to be, I don't know, a bookseller, or a teacher, or a prime minister. I might end up believing you enjoy my company."

"Maybe I don't hate it." she snickered softly as she went back to her books, and Alfie couldn't tell if she was torturing him on purpose.

"Marry me."

"I'll think about it if there aren't any missing sales, Mr. Solomons."

"Alfie, treacle. And there are plenty of missing sales, you know that, I don't write them all down."

"What a shame."

Y/N knew a lot more than the previous secretaries, and yet it became quite clear after a while that she wasn't repeating everything to Thomas. Mostly unimportant, almost useless things that wouldn't add anything to her business.

Besides that, she took care of him as if she truly cared about him, making sure he slept, hydrated, and didn't hurt his back. Sometimes she reminded him of his mother. Sometimes he stared at her with a puppy-dog look, hoping she would say yes to his request.

When Sabini came to see him about the Blinders, Alfie hesitated. He was pretty furious with Tommy for ruining his reputation a bit lately, but the money was there and he was happy to see Y/N every day.

But being able to go back to Epson. It was a tempting proposition. Besides, she would never marry him. It was better that she disappeared now.

He watched her leave with regret, asking her one last time to marry him before she walked out the door. He could see a certain hesitation in her eyes. Maybe she'd finally developed feelings after being locked in a room with him for so long, the poor woman.

No one could tell him how the Shelbys found out he knew she was their sister. In any case, they panicked like the fools they were, convinced he might hurt her.

Him, hurt Y/N. He'd rather jump into the Thames. The messages to Thomas to reassure him were in vain. After all, Alfie had betrayed him, killed his men, and sent Arthur to prison, he had reason to be suspicious. The gifts were more to distract the poor sister locked up in Birmingham than to tell her she had nothing to fear from him.

He had laughed at their reaction when he learned he knew. Fate made him pay for it, because he panicked more than they did when he learned that several Shelbys had fallen seriously ill, including his sweet Y/N, and that their doctor didn't seem able to help her.

Since he clearly didn't always keep his promises, especially those he made to himself, he ran in the middle of the night to be by her side. His poor love, bedridden, burning with fever.

She seemed happy to see him, even though she still worried about him. Always. At that moment, Alfie knew he could never leave her again, even if she didn't want to marry him, even if her brothers threatened to kill him, even if he risked losing everything.

Luckily, Y/N was willing to have him, which was a sign of insanity if you asked her opinion, but he wasn't going to complain, waiting in the street with his horse and flowers for her family to decide whether he could come in or not.

"Thomas, if that asshole comes in, I'm leaving."

"Calm down, Arthur. Sit down. Mr. Solomons comes in peace, to explain himself, apologize, and make an offer."

"He wants to fuck our sister !"

"Oy ! I want to marry your sister, if she still wants me after all your questions and reproaches. I passed on Sabini's message, this dirty little racist liar, who betrayed me as soon as it was done. I was wrong, I admit it. Thomas received my compensation list, and all I ask for is a second chance."

"Fuck you. Y/N, tell him to fuck off, he's making fun of you, he doesn't love you. And you don't love him anyway, do you ?"

"I…" Y/N trembled, between her sister and her aunt. "I'm sorry, Arthur. Sorry."

Angry but with a heart, full of love for his little sister, which raised Alfie's self-esteem, Arthur went for a walk to calm down, but ended up agreeing to the deal, and the marriage, which wasn't part of the deal. Y/N wasn't for sale or purchase.

The other siblings followed suit, partly because they wanted her to be happy, and partly because Thomas seemed to approve of the union, crazy as it was.

Most of them thought Y/N was crazy for wanting to be with him. The whole country thought so, even though they also thought Alfie was crazy for wanting a Shelby.

The difference was, everyone already thought he was crazy. So in the end, it wasn't so much of a surprise, and almost completely normal.

[plethorawrites]

(A/N, I know this is absolutely stretching it, but a lot of you like the secret relationship trope as much as me and I can't get this idea out of my head so...)

---___---___---___---___---___---___---___---___---_

Jason Todd who, despite fixing his relationship with his family to an extent, still maintains distance from them. He remains amicable, showing up when asked, never straying terribly far and always still including himself whenever someone mentions the 'family'.

But...he's still a bit of a loner around them, not always entirely honest all the time. He doesn't stick around very long unless asked and will make up obvious lies to get out of things he doesn't want to do. One of the ways he does this, is by claiming to have a date.

Yes, it was ridiculous to them. If he really wanted to get away from them, he could just say that. But hey, it was his life. And it was hilarious to see the lengths he would go to.

Unbeknownst to him, you were entirely real.

At first Jason worried that they would pry for more information, maybe insist on meeting you or try to run a background check. Bruce had done that on multiple girls Dick went out with and even made a file on Bernard when Tim got involved with him. He never mentioned your last name, usually calling you his girlfriend, or some nickname his had for you, in hopes of them keeping their distance. And they did.

He didn't realize it was because they didn't actually believe him when he said he was in a relationship. He never really gloated about it much, but he never hid it, either. He'd mention you moving in, mention you were working late so he could stay for dinner, or say you were sick so he had to leave early.

To them, it was all one elaborate lie that kept him away from the family.

Even when he introduced Alfred to you, legitimizing you in the butlers eyes, everyone just groaned, telling the man not to encourage Jason's charade.

When Jason said he had to leave patrol early because he planned to propose to you, they found it even funnier, honestly. He was really keeping up with this lie. It had lasted years. Sometimes, for months he didn't mention you, but then he'd casually say he got married to really cement that he was still putting up that wall between him and the family.

He even had very convenient reasons for all the things that didn't add up, like why he never wore a wedding ring (Which he would surely have if he had actually gotten married) or why he never went on a honeymoon (Which no one could live without, right?)

Truthfully, you didn't care about that, as long as he kept coming home in one piece with minimal bleeding. As for the ring? Well, he only wore it at home, otherwise he kept it on a chain under his suit.

At one point, he even claimed you were pregnant.

That one? That was a lie filled with meat to rip off the bone. Doctor appointments and sudden emergencies let him excuse himself from any meeting he didn't want to attend or leave early and come late for practically anything.

He would even purposely read baby books or pretend to be on the phone with you when he didn't want to talk to them or engage in conversation at hand/pay attention to a briefing.

In the middle of patrol he had disappeared, claiming you were in labor, when really, they just thought he wanted to go home and sleep. He had been acting awfully exhausted lately. He claimed it was from taking care of you.

Then, after that night, he oddly enough dropped all contact for a while. A long while, actually. No red hood activity, no returning phone calls, no one had heard from him. Except for Alfred who came over to bring you a care package and Roy who was there to see his goddaughter the second she came home from the hospital.

It was nearly two months later that they finally heard from him, after starting to truly worry. He had dropped off the map before when he got the urge to be alone, but never for this long. Now suddenly he was inviting the entire family over for dinner at his apartment?

He had NEVER in his life done that. Hell, they didn't even know where he lived. Probably because they would show up unannounced and he didn't want to deal with them sleeping on his couch.

Still, regardless of their hesitation they showed up.

Imagine their surprise when he opened the door and just past his shoulder they could see you, sitting on the floor, having tummy time with newborn baby girl who couldn't stop laughing.

Their eyes were wide, they couldn't stop staring, barely even moving.

Bruce probably seemed the most shocked. He was a grandfather after all and had not only missed his granddaughter's birth, but didn't even know he had a daughter-in-law.

The ring on Jason's finger was suddenly quite prominent, as was the matching one on your hand as you picked up the baby and carried her over to them, introducing yourself.

You had apparently heard a lot about them.

They had heard...well, enough about you that they shouldn't be surprised when you fit the exact description of who they thought had been Jason's imaginary escape wife for over two years.

It all came out in that moment and both Jason and your eyes were reflecting the same confusion and disbelief as they confessed to not believing you or the baby existed.

"You...thought I made up having a wife?" he repeated slowly, frowning as his arm wrapped around your waist. "AND I lied about her having a baby?"

He had always wondered why none of them seemed to really even care about the fact that they were going to be aunts and uncles. Bruce had barely even congratulated him at all, which stung a bit, but he brushed it off.

"Well...yeah?" Tim confessed, motioning to him. "It's you! You don't even like people."

Who would ever associate Jason Todd with domestic life? No one.

He shook his head in utter disbelief. "Unbelievable," he muttered, turning to you as you started to laugh uncontrollably. "What? You find that funny?"

You nodded, trying to stop chuckling. "It's so absurd," you chortled, your laugh making the baby coo in your arms. "And I get it, I do," you admitted. "You're all tough and brooding. Not exactly father material."

He frowned further. He liked to think he had been doing a pretty good job. Maybe not perfect, but he was trying his best for both of you.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, offended, taking the baby from you. "I know I'm not a professional or anything, I haven't dropped her yet."

Emphasis on the yet.

"Of course not," you agreed, kissing the baby's head and then his cheek. "You're a very father. Even if the baby isn't real," you added with another huff of amusement, running your hands through his hair as you walked past him into the kitchen. "Put her down for her nap, would you? I want to check on dinner."

He gave another confused, inquisitive glare to his family, especially his father before nodding. "Make yourselves at home," he muttered, still confused. "I'm going to put my fake daughter down in her fake nursery," he told them before walking off.

[chronosdawn]

Another LaDS isekai fic idea I think would be fun is one where you wake up as MC during the chronorift catastrophe and, after working out that you have in fact ended up in LaDS as the MC, come to the conclusion that you must have replaced MC in this timeline alone. As a result of this, you then go on to develop an imposter complex, along with some fairly insane levels of guilt that you are not the same person who the LIs fell in love with in their myths, and thus are robbing your favourite characters of the chance to be with the love of their life.

This culminates in you feeling like you need to do something good with this life you've effectively stolen from someone else, which you do by participating in heroic acts while having little thought for your own safety (your antics have nearly given Caleb a heart attack on five separate occasions, and he has seriously contemplated just locking you up for your own good at least twice). Your behaviour only gets worse when the other LIs show up, with a clear interest in you, thus causing you to spiral into even more guilt. And you know what's a good distraction from guilt? "Oh hey look there's a small child who needs saving from a dangerous wanderer I definitely shouldn't attempt to fight alone. Off I go!"

What you are unaware of, however, is that you have not just replaced MC in this timeline, but every timeline, and you simply don't remember for the same reasons MC doesn't remember all the different timelines in canon. You have also managed to come to the exact same wrong conclusion in every single timeline, which means the myth timelines play out a little different compared to canon (as in you've found a way to sacrifice yourself to spare the LIs in almost every single one).

You could go in a couple of different directions with this. If you wanted to take things in a darker direction, you could probably lean into the yandere tendencies that might arise in someone whose love interest seems determined to get themselves killed.

However, I think the much funnier version of this is where the other LIs clock each other's existences (their current game timelines have ended up merged because I said so) and decide to put aside their differences over their unified goal of making sure you don't die.

And that's how you acquire five overprotective boyfriends, none of whom really like each other but will put up with whatever it takes to make sure you remain alive and well.

[cashmoneyyysstuff]

i'm too proud to talk to you anyway !

synopsis : but if you do, don't you know, that i don't mind...

an. im pretty sure this is the first time ive ever written non bf katsuki/ non childhood friend suki ever...im going thru withdrawal eugh...n e wayss! i thought this was a cute silly concept and i hope i did well ! hope yall enjoy :3

cw. nothing i think ! fluff, forced proximity i think ? katsuki's a potty mouth but..it's katsuki, reader is a sweetie, reader says thank you and sorry a lot so i mightve been projecting a bit sorry twins lolol :P, katsuki is referred to as bkg and it hurts my heart..like thats my man we aint casual </3 katsuki is lowkey pining but unaware and in denial, reader is in the bksquad ! lmk if i missed sum else !

shit, shit, shit. you were this close.

you pant and groan in annoyance, seeing your train about to depart just as you arrived at the terminal.

shit, you knew you shouldn't have slept in !

you loved taking this train because it never got too full. sure, there were always people commuting early but you had the luxury of not being squished to death in a train that, by the time you got to school, resembled a can of sardines.

you could make it, you were a hero-in-training ! you'd built up your stamina for moments like this...probably ! definitely !

so you continue running with all your strength, you don't think you'd ever run this fast just to catch a train in your life, but you remember what happened to kaminari when he ended up late during mr. aizawa's morning class and you'd rather not have to run extra laps.

so you run, and before you can reach for the doors, an arm stops them from closing just in time for you to jump in.

thanking everything that was holy, you jump in ready, to profusely thank your saviour. but you stop short when you realise who had saved you.

one of your classmates, bakugou katsuki.

"oh." you can't stop yourself from releasing the sound when you see him, but manage to fix your face and offer him a smile.

bakugou squints at you, scoffing before looking away.

well, you'd expected something like this.

you didn't talk to bakugou much. you'd always found him and his quirk amazing, especially during training, and he was actually a really good sparring partner. he took you seriously and he was more clever then you thought he was.(with the way he was always rushing into fights head first)

he also gave you a semblance of advice one time, at least you think so...there was definitely some type of advice hidden in between all that cursing.

but he was objectively quite the asshole.

the only reason you even started hanging out was because kirishima liked to invite him to hang out with you all during lunch. sometimes he tagged along, and sometimes he told him to fuck off. but kirishima always being determined and naturally friendly never stopped asking him. you assume that's why he'd been coming along with you guys more often now. guess nobody could resist the boy's manly charm.

and yeah, he was a dick. but you had to admit his quips and his back and forth with sero was pretty funny. the problem was that you have a feeling he doesn't like you. you specifically, for a reason you're unaware of.

you'd never been rude to him, not even teasing him as much as the rest of your friend group did (watching him blow up was always funnier anyway) but despite that it just seemed like he couldn't tolerate being around you for some reason. he always keeps his responses short and snippy, never even looking your way when you tried to strike conversation.

kirishima had told you once he was probably "just awkward, he's just that kinda guy ! maybe he's just too shy talk to you !" which you highly doubted but decided to keep your mouth shut.

you won't force conversation with him, you had no obligation to. but you do feel thankful that he hadn't let you embarrass yourself. and you really wanna thank him.

it takes you a few minutes to catch your breath, and three stops to find the courage to actually talk to him. but before you can open your mouth again, a huge group of people storm into the train, leaving you to gasp in surprise.

what the hell ? there aren't supposed to be so many people here, at least not in your sacred train !! what was going on ?!

to your utter dismay and irritation, you're being pushed and shoved around for other people to claim their places, growing more annoyed at the people shoving and insisting their was space and telling others to "please move along!"

"fucking hell..." you mutter, irritated.

"could fuckin' say that again."

you look up to see bakugou looking ahead at nothing. his scowl is ever present, if not harsher, and he grunts when he feels someone shove his shoulder, shoving them back with a growl. must be nice having balls of steel.

"oh, woops. sorry.." you apologise, trying your very best not to press up against him too much. despite the train crowding more and more.

"whatever. just stop squirming."

"it's not like i'm doing it on purpose !" you hiss defensively. bakugou rolls his eyes, but remains quiet.

you feel an arm in you rib and instinctively lean away, thus closer to bakugou. his eyes flit down towards you, but again, he says nothing.

"ugh—uhm, thank you—for this morning." you whisper, you're close enough where you're sure he can hear you. "you really saved me back there." you joke.

bakugou doesn't miss a beat, looking down at you with an eyebrow raised "yeah well. guess i felt nice for a change and didn't want you to embarrass yourself, running after the train like an idiot."

your face warms and you furrow your brows 'i was gonna make it."

he huffs out a laugh, you think this is the first time you've seen him do anything but frown. "sure, keep telling yourself that."

suddenly, the train comes to an abrupt halt. causing passengers to exclaim and jolt around, one such passenger bumps against you, shoving you forward. you trip, landing straight against bakugou's chest. your nose hurts as soon as you make contact. you'd seen how ripped this guy was, but was he genuinely made out of fucking stone ?!

your eyes snap open when an arm—his arm, wraps around your shoulder to stabilise you, he mutters curses under his breath towards the train constructor. he smells nice. you brace yourself against his chest.

"watch it, dumbass." he warns lowly. his voice quivers just a bit, like he's holding something back.

"...sorry. my bad." you squeak. the next time the train comes to a halt, you practically jump away from each other, avoiding looking each other in the eye while still being forced so close. you do notice the way that bakugou's arm stays behind your shoulder just a little bit longer. you notice but pretend you don't. looking up at him through the corner of your eye you see the way his jaw is set tight. you quickly look away.

(you don't notice him looking at you.)

after a certain stop, the train finally empties out. you take a deep breath, giving bakugou one last glance before finding a free spot to sit and finally relax your shoulders.

you jump when bakugou sits in the spot beside yours. there weren't that many left open, but there were definitely still way more free spots away from you.

"thanks, again." you mutter, avoiding eye contact.

bakugou grits his teeth, groaning like you saying those words pained him. or irritated him (or both.)

"stop thanking me, just didn't wanna get knocked over. fuckin' bastards fell limp like a stack of dominoes.."

his response makes you snorts unexpectedly, "yeah, it's usually not this full."

"s'cus the previous train got cancelled. somethin' about an accident." your classmate explains.

you blink in surprise, was bakugou—your most explosive antisocial classmate—actually having a genuine conversation with you ?!

and suddenly you can't think of anything else to say besides "oh, makes sense."

"well, anyway...even if you didn't mean to, i'm glad. means i won't have to get crucified by mr. aizawa for being late.."

bakugou scoffs, but it sounds almost like a disguised laugh.

the announcer calls for the next stop, two more stops and you'll get off.

then, a lightbulb.

"oh, hey. i didn't know you took this train too ! i've never seen you."

bakugou doesn't look at you, squinting at himself through the opposite window, his leg bounces.

"usually sit in the front."

you raise an eyebrow "what made you come to the back ?"

"q-quit questioning me, dammit ! your ass should be grateful i was even in the back so you didn't fuckin' slice your hand off !"

now this was more like the bakugou you were familiar with, and for some reason this puts you at ease. you laugh at his defensiveness, and bakugou visibly un-tenses. he leans back and rests his head into his palm, muttering about you being "so damn weird..."

you manage to arrive to school without any further hiccups. and despite bakugou not actively making conversation with you, his strides almost match yours, like he wants you to catch up to him. and even though he barely gives you a nod when you wave at him later in between classes, you feel like you've gotten closer to him somehow. anyway, you're just glad to know he doesn't despise you.

when kirishima invites him to hang out during lunch today and you and your other friends wait for a response from him, some of your friends egging him on, you catch the way his eyes meet yours before he reluctantly agrees, calling your friends "fuckin' clingy".

he sits next to you during lunch.

kaminari whines about it, saying something about how he stole his spot.

"you snooze you fuckin' lose, dunce face." bakugou quips, causing your table to laugh.

unbeknownst to you, bakugou wonders why he'd decided to agree to hang out with you all more and more often lately. you and your lame ass friends had become a constant nuisance in his life. especially you.

ever since he'd noticed you, really noticed you and your strength when you'd paired up with him during training, you'd always been hanging in the back of his mind. your voice was always the first one he heard in crowds, your face was always the one he just so happened to look for see first, and your stupid perfume seemed to cling to him everywhere he went, ultimately always leading him to you.

shit, you were really fucking annoying.

unbeknownst to you, bakugou wonders why he decided to sit in the back as well.

cashmoneyyystuff © 2025. hey, this is my stuff ! please don't copy or modify it, that's very weird and lame and i'll cry. if you want to take inspiration from one of my works, just let me know or mention me in your post <3

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[gothamite-rambler]

Clark and Diana must've had a field day at Damian's existence

*and the rape part was a second canon that I think was retconned again. comics are weird*

Clark: I'm sorry… You have a child… again?

Bruce: Yes.

Clark: And he's yours… like DNA test, yours?

Bruce took a deep inhale and then sighed.

Bruce: Yes.

Clark: And the kid is also related to Talia Al Ghul?

Bruce: Yep… Yep… I thought the condom wouldn't break.

Clark: I… I… I'm— You thought the what wouldn't break?

Diana (amused): I'm surprised you didn't try the pull-out method with that thought process. You had a child with Talia and he's the new Robin, did I miss anything?

Bruce: No... no. You're about right.

Clark: I'm not sure how to react.

Diana: I got you on this. The dark knight, master detective, stoic emo billionaire had a child with one of your arch-enemies? The one you said you'd never have relations with again?

Bruce: …Yep.

Diana nodded and pointed at Bruce, laughing accordingly. The man covered his face, embarrassed.

Clark: Ignore her. You said you weren't even aware he was… alive. That there was a being that shares your DNA? You have plans that can defeat us, but you never thought to check in on the woman you slept with eight years ago?

Diana laughed harder, falling out of her seat in hysterics. Clark shook his head.

Bruce: Okay, at first I was aware she was pregnant, and then she said she lost the baby, so… I never called her about that. You can stop laughing, Diana!

Diana: I can't stop! This is too funny! It’s funnier than when Hermes tricked Zeus into drinking fermented wine. I can't breathe! Wait, wait— when Zeus found out about his child…

Clark (jokingly): Which one?

Bruce: I wasn’t aware he existed! I didn’t know the child I had with a crazy woman was around! Can she not laugh at me? I’m now linked to Ra's Al Ghul! This is a lot for me! Can you show me some pity?

Clark and Diana: No!

Bruce: Why are you judging me?!

Clark: Because you look hypocritical in the funniest way possible.

Diana: Exactly! You had a kid from a booty call. Wait, wait, serious time.

Diana got back in her seat and cleared her throat.

Diana: It was consensual, correct?

Bruce: Yes.

Diana: And you used a condom from where?

Bruce: …A gas station.

Diana: And you thought it would do the job? A gas station condom?

Bruce: I was hoping it would, or at the very least she'd have protection. I didn't know she wanted kids!

Diana (chuckling): You thought the woman who's been wanting to marry you for years wouldn't want kids?!

Clark (laughing): We listen and we judge!

Bruce: I hate you both. Stop judging me. I'm the Dark Knight.

Bruce covered his face, groaning.

Clark: We're just messing with you. I, for one, am happy you took the kid in. I imagine being raised around the Ghuls wasn't great… or safe.

Bruce: Um… okay, he wasn't just raised around them… Jason helped babysit him. He’s known for eight years.

Clark and Diana (mocking him): We listen and we judge!

Diana burst into laughter again.

Diana: I knew there was a reason I like him!

Clark: I'm pretty sure she's happy for you too. Just the—

Bruce (mortified): Yeah, the situation is humorous because it's at my expense and ironic that I fumbled like that. I'm going to be dealing with this a lot now. I do love him, though. He's a cute kid… He's neat, like all my other sons.

Clark: Aww, that's sweet and reassuring, honestly. A rich white man with a baby from a booty call usually doesn’t go well.

Bruce: The fact I know that's true really says something, but thank you for the compliment.

[twilightkitkat]

I know people normally brand Wade as The Funny One, but can we talk about how they'd be as a comedic duo? While flirting? While fighting?

People oftentimes tend to stereotype Logan as The Straight Man, the guy who keeps a serious face no matter what. And while sometimes that can be true, if you look at his characterization in the movies and comics, that isn't always the case. I think that because his humor is more subtle and down-to-earth than Wade's they tend to overlook it entirely.

Wade's humor is more obnoxious and in-your-face. He uses a cheerful, dramatic tone to cue you in that he's trying to be funny. He makes pop culture references and rambles on and makes constant, non-stop commentary. He's meant to be entertaining and funny because it's his brand to be insane and nonchalant even in the face of danger.

Logan, on the other hand, has this very blunt, sarcastic humor. The type that requires you to think a second to get it. He'd make little quips and jabs, but either with a straight face or barely there grin, so it's harder to tell he's joking. His tone of voice is more deep and gruff, which we don't typically associate with being humorous, but he does tease enemies and joke and throw their lines back in his face and goad them.

These two together would drive everyone up the wall.

Everyone (the X-men, the enemies, Wade's friends) assumed that their interactions would be Wade making crude, obnoxious jokes and Logan telling him to shut up or acting annoyed but... that doesn't happen? Instead, Logan quietly laughs at Wade's antics or, even more shockingly, joins in.

Logan gets Wade's humor—relishes in it, even. He would find Wade funny when he makes stupid jokes at all the wrong times because he does it too but nobody pays attention because it flies over their head or he's too intimidating for them to really register his words.

(The only reason Logan was more serious in the movie was that he was a grieving, broken man who thought he was responsible for the deaths of his family. He felt completely alone. And yet, even then, he played along to some extent with Wade's jokes and acted baffled rather than genuinely annoyed unless it was a super inappropriate moment. And you could tell he found Wade funny and liked him talking by the end of the movie.)

These two would be sitting across the table and Wade would make some stupid joke and Logan would add onto it, straight-faced.

Wade would gasp and clutch his chest dramatically at someone taking the Ketchup from him before he was done and whine, "How could you!? The betrayal! I thought I could trust you, this is a crime of the highest degree! I should have you canceled on Twitter for the atrocities you just committed."

And Logan would shake his head, stoicly, and reply, "It isn't cool to steal, man. It feels good in the moment but you hurt other people."

And everyone would sit there like what the fuck? Did Logan just... play along with Wade?

(Logan was biting his cheek to not grin at their confused faces and Wade was practically cackling to himself.)

It'd be even funnier when they're fighting villains together.

"Watch out, babygirl! Daddy's going to save you!" Deadpool would scream, as he lunges in to stab the enemy as they have Logan pinned to the ground.

"Well, 'Daddy' needs to do a better fucking job at it," Logan would grunt as he threw the guy off himself.

Logan would be snarky, because that's his personality and sense of humor, but he'd play along. He'd commit to the bit so hard that the enemies would stop attacking for a second just to look at each other like, "Are you seeing this???"

"Wolvie, what did I tell you about your greasy tits? If you wanted to be a prostitute you could at least tell me so we could start an Onlyfans and monetize it," Wade would say after Logan's shirt got shredded in a fight.

"I'm not giving you a fucking cent of my Onlyfans money," Logan would grunt as he continues fighting.

"That's unfair! I'd be the best photographer out there, you need to pay me my fair share! This is a worker's rights violation!"

"Yeah, well, I'm the pornstar. I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting, you aren't entitled to shit."

And everyone would be like???? Did The Wolverine have an Onlyfans? Since when? And where could they find it—

It'd be funny to see them tear down the self-esteem of a villain together as they fought them.

"You look like Simon Cowell got dipped in a vat of acid and then grew out a mullet and got it cut by a 5-year-old on America's Got Talent just because their mom died of cancer," Wade would laugh and point at their appearance.

"That's being generous. At least Simon Cowell was attractive. More like a fucking muppet," Logan would add on.

And then they'd fight over whose interpretation was correct while the villain just stood there and took out a mirror to look at themselves because?? They didn't think it was that bad?? (It was.)

It'd actually give them the edge in fights because they'd baffle the villains so much. They'd either make them pissed off at not being taken seriously and therefore more sloppy, or just make them insanely self-conscious. Win-win.

Eventually, word on the street got around that Wolverine and Deadpool were a brutal duo. Verbally. There'd be villains telling stories about how they were disrespected and maybe an emotional support club "Fought Deadpool and Wolverine and survived on the outside but died on the inside."

They'd be a peak comedy duo that would become notorious for their chemistry (both in their fighting style and commentary).

[miley1442111]

heyy, i love your writing! I was thinking a rafe x fem reader, where Rafe says they don’t have anything, she was just a hook up etc when he was actually just scared of having feelings for a girl for the first time in his life. she gets with JJ to make him jealous and it works, but instead of being that mad Rafe Cameron he just open his heart and his fears to her (even end up crying a bit)

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mistakes and misjudgements

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a/n: hi! thank you so much for requesting! I love this idea!

pairing: rafe cameron x fem! reader

summary: i suggest you look at the request

warnings: kissing, toxic relationship, rafe is confused, cursing, drinking, suggestive mentions, mentions of rafe's addictions (i think that's it?)

not entirely proofread

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Rafe walked past the bar, his eyes searching for yours. You, the pogue bartender at the club, had caught the Rafe Cameron’s eye, and he wasn’t about to let you go. 

He was met with Jj. His smile dropped, while Jj’s smirk rose. 

“What can I get you, Cameron? A vodka cranberry? I can mix it with the blood of the people you’ve murdered?-”

Jj stopped talking when Rafe leaned in closer. 

“Just a water, thanks.” 

Jj nodded and walked to the fridge to grab him a bottle, and then you walked up, and he watched as Rafe’s demeanour changed. He was softer, sweeter, and funnier. Jj almost laughed out loud at the way Rafe pushed some hair back from your face, that sickly sweet smile on his face. 

Jj moved you over, his hands on your waist and handed Rafe his water. “Water for the gentleman.”

Rafe’s smile dropped. “Thanks man.”

“Oh, Jj, this is my boyfriend, Rafe,” you smiled, introducing the two.

Bile rose in Rafe's stomach. Were you two dating? But that came with so much more than just the fun dates you two were indulging in. That would mean he’d have to be vulnerable with you. And the fact that you hated his drug use, something he’d been struggling to stop for a while now. And he knew you were too good for him, it was only a matter of time before you figured it out yourself and-

His mouth moved before his brain could stop it. “Woah,” Rafe deflected. “I’m not her boyfriend, we’re just… casual,” he shrugged. 

Your face fell and Rafe had never felt so bad. “Right, casual.”

You hated that word. You hated how he used it. You hated how you thought, even just for a second, that you would settle for that.

Jj’s smile widened. “Well, there’s your water. See you ‘round Kook,” and with that, Jj turned his back on Rafe and turned to you. “You alright?”

You nodded, more annoyed than anything else. “He’s such an asshole.”

“I hate to say ‘I told you so’, but I did warn you-” before he could finish you hit him with a towel, which ended up in a towel fight in the bar, neither of you aware of the searing eyes of Rafe Cameron. 

Maybe he’d fucked up. Maybe he did want to be your boyfriend. 

Maybe. 

Jj was appalled at what Rafe had done. Casual? What was wrong with him? He had the prettiest, kindest, most amazing girl on the island, if not the world, and he was throwing it away, for what? To fuck other people? That didn’t make any sense. So you two made a plan.  

He was going to ask you out. Now, Jj liked you, yes, but as a friend. You liked Jj, yes, but again, as a friend. So you two could ‘go out’ with each other and make Rafe jealous. For the simple reason of principal, you had to make Rafe pay, it was only fair. 

---------------------

When you walked into the party, you immediately found Jj and clung to him for the whole night. Everyone was talking about you two, especially since most people thought you were dating Rafe. 

You two danced, drank, and even made out, and by the end of the night, you knew you’d sent a message Rafe’s way by the amount of texts you’d received.  

Rafe: Wtf are you doing with him?

Rafe: Text me back.

Rafe: Stop being so close to him. Come talk to me 

Rafe: Please Y/n.

Rafe: I got the fucking message now stop it.

Rafe: You have my attention, you always do. Get off of him.

Rafe: Please come talk to me.

Rafe: Y/n stop.

Rafe: Please. 

Rafe: I know I fucked up, come on. This isn’t fair.

Rafe: I made a mistake Y/n, I’m sorry.

Rafe: Fuck this, I’ll be at Tanneyhill when you’re ready to talk to me like an adult. 

Rafe: Please talk to me. Please.

You chuckled as you read through the messages, Sarah by your side. 

“Oh my god! That’s why he was so upset leaving the party!” she laughed. 

Your stomach dropped. Rafe shouldn't have been upset, he didn't care about you, right? You were just another girl he was talking to and planning on fucking, right? “What do you mean?”

“Oh yeah, Kelce was telling me he was super worked up and upset all night so he left. He didn’t even do anything but he was pacing the entire night. Top though he’d had a panic attack.”

“Shit,” you cursed under your breath. “Hey, I think I might call it a night,” you turned to the group. 

“Aww come on! The night’s just started,” Kiara pleaded, you chuckled and shook your head. 

“I’m tired!” you lied. “And I have work tomorrow.”

You needed to talk to Rafe right now. 

---------------------

The walk from the beach to Tanneyhill was quick but full of quiet and anxious scenarios. You didn’t mean to make him upset, you just wanted to show him what he was missing. He embarrassed you earlier, and you wanted to get him back. You never meant to cause harm. 

You knocked on the door, hoping he was ok, and internally hoping it would be him to open the door, considering you were wearing a very short dress that you knew Rose would turn her nose up at. 

The door swung open to reveal… Rafe. 

But he looked… upset? His eyes were red-rimmed and his nose was sniffly, he’d been crying. You’d made him cry. 

“Hi,” he sniffled, and your heart just broke. Your Rafe had been crying over you.  

You cupped his cheeks and pulled him closer. “I’m sorry,” you whispered and he shook his head, trying to hold back more tears. 

“It’s fine,” he whispered, his voice hoarse and tired. 

“It’s not. I’m so sorry Rafe,” you pressed a kiss to his cheek and that was all it took, the floodgates opened and he wrapped his arms around you, allowing him to be held by you. You sank down to the steps and let him cry into your neck for a few minutes. You softly brushed through his hair with your fingers and whispered hushed apologies and promises of everything being ok. After a few minutes he was coherent enough to speak. He pulled back, wiping his eyes with his hand as you sat beside him, confused and feeling awful. 

“I got so… jealous for a while, seeing you and Jj at work. I have no idea why. A-and then at the party, I saw you two just laughing a-and ha-having fun,” he hiccuped. “And I realised that I-I’m not like that. I’m not f-funny. I don’t make you laugh. I’m not ve-very fun to b-be around.” 

Your heart broke as you saw the little known insecure side of Rafe Cameron. Obviously, Jj and Rafe were different people, but you enjoyed Rafe’s dad jokes, just as much as you enjoyed Jj’s dry sarcasm. You and Jj had known each other practically since birth, so obviously you were more relaxed around him than with Rafe. Especially with Rafe, at the beginning you were so tense on every date, always worried that you were going to say the wrong thing, since this was your first real relationship. 

“I love being around you,” you cooed, cupping his cheek. “I think you’re funny. You make me laugh all the time.”

He nodded. “B-but I’m not like that, I’m… different. I’m not e-easy to be with, with the d-drinking and the baggage, and the drugs. I know that, a-and I promise I’m trying to change, t-to be better f-for you, it’s just h–hard. A-and I’m so scared that I’m going to lose you i-if I do the wrong thing.” 

“You’re not going to lose me,” you promised. “I swear.”

“But you and Jj-?”

“I was… trying to make you jealous,” you admitted, slightly embarrassed. 

“Oh,” he sighed. “That’s g-good. ‘Cause I really like you. And I want you to be my girlfriend.” 

You smiled. “I’m all yours Rafe, and we’ll work through it all together. I’m here for you, always.”

You took his hand in your and smiled. 

His other hand came up to cup your cheek, and he pressed his lips to yours in a soft kiss.

You'd get through it all, together.

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obx masterlist :)

navigation for my blog :) (criminal minds, obx, the bear, marvel, top gun, the hunger games, challengers :)

[movie-robotnik-positivity]

Here's a MASSIVE Sonic 3 interview, featuring scriptwriters Pat Casey and Josh Miller, as well as co-producer Tyson Hesse. This was recorded before the film's release so minimal spoilers.

I really suggest watching the whole thing, there's plenty of cool info about the production of these movies. I compiled some of the highlights under the cut:

- It was SEGA's request to make Movie Sonic an alien. This is a remnant from when they were commited to the "Two Worlds" idea, before they changed their mind on that.

- According to Pat Casey and Josh Miller, part of the reason that the Sony version of the movie fell apart is that they (along with Jeff Fowler, Tim Miller and Neil Moritz) wanted Sonic to be the main character, while the studio pushed for the human actor to be the star.

- There was an outline where Sonic befriended a kid (based on E.T). Tim Miller thought the character was pointless, since Sonic is already the kid, so they decided to pair him up with an adult instead.

- They refer to "The Little Mermaid", "Superman" and "Hellboy" as inspiration for Sonic's story in the first movie.

- The Master Emerald and the Chaos Emeralds were combined to avoid having eight different macguffins in one film, and also to avoid comparisons with "Avengers: Infinity War".

- Pat Casey and Josh Miller feel like part of the job is to NOT be lore experts, but rather people who can look at these things purely as a movie.

- Jim Carrey doesn't like to repeat himself, so they always try to throw new stuff at him every movie so he's more likely to return. This led them to the idea of having him play Gerald. The studio immediately loved the idea, and so did Jim.

- One of the things they knew had to change was the ARK, as the idea of a space colony orbiting Earth for 50 years without anyone noticing didn't mesh well with the grounded world they had set up.

- In some versions Gerald Robotnik was alive as a chaos energy ghost, stuck in-between time.

- They felt Shadow's backstory was extremely important, but knew they could only have so many flashbacks, hence why they wanted to pull aspects of it into the present (such as Gerald).

- Gerald's inclusion was also done to keep Shadow's story from feeling like a retread of Knuckles'. It also helps that while Knuckles' conflict is based on a misunderstanding, Shadow's isn't.

- Tyson Hesse thinks that while keeping Gerald alive at first felt weird to him as a long-time fan, it gave Ivo a lot more to chew on as a character and kept his story from getting stale.

- Jim Carrey's multiple comments regarding Robotnik's broken childhood and hidden vulnerabilities inspired them to explore that side of the character in Sonic 3.

- Pat Casey and Josh Miller's always like to add a little bit of heart where they can. They point to the baseball scene and the bucket list in the first movie, as well the scene between Agent Stone and Tails in 3.

-Jim Carrey first does his scenes exactly as scripted, then tries his own versions, which almost always end up being funnier. Very little of what's in the script actually stays.

- Keanu Reeves was the number one choice for Shadow. With every other character there was a lot of deliberation, but with Shadow they don't think other options were even considered.

- At one point Idris Elba was worried about Knuckles' fear of ghosts being out of character, so they did some research and found out it was already a thing. They can't remember if they got that character trait from somewhere or if it was coincidental.

- Sonic 3 and the Knuckles series were worked on at the same time. Pat Casey and Josh Miller weren't involved, as they were busy with the movie script. Tyson Hesse was involved during the initial stages of the show, leading the story department, but had to leave as soon as production on 3 started.

- They've kept almost the exact same creative team thorough all three movies, including their VFX Supervisor and Animation Director. This helped streamline process, as everyone is already familiar with each other and how things work.

- They point out how rare it is to have a franchise where everyone involved wants to keep coming back. They attribute this to the fact that these movies are entirely staffed by nice people who get along, which isn't too common.

- They claim that the Sonic 3 set was one of the calmest sets they've ever been in. Even all the Gerald and Ivo stuff, which seemed so complicated to make, was hardly an issue.

- With Sonic 2 they ran into some problems due to relying on a single VFX vendor. For Sonic 3 they ran the movie as if they were the VFX vendor, they had all the animators in-house and had all the character assets made internally.

- Tyson Hesse claims that SEGA was completely changed by the movies, and that everything coming out is being done better than it was before. He hopes fans will be able to appreciate how much the movies lifted up the franchise.

[addledmongoose]

Best of 2024 Good Omens Fanfiction

Welcome to my list of the best Good Omens fanfiction I’ve read in 2024! These are my favorites of all the novels, short stories, and series I’ve read this year, and they’re the ones I have or am most likely to read more than once. There’s so much amazing talent in the Good Omens fandom, and I will never be able to read every great story, but I’m happy to have found these fantastic works. (FYI, I added up the word counts of all the stories on this list, and it’s over three million!)

First of all, if you haven’t read the stories on my 2023 Best Of list, be sure to check out the amazing works there. There are a lot of older classics, like Or Be Nice, Slow Show, and Pray For Us, Icarus and some stories written after season two released, like Factory Setting and Married At First Sight. 

Secondly, here is the entire list of every recommendation I’ve made in 2024. There are far more great stories than can fit in a single year-end list. I’ll be unpinning that list and pinning up a new one next year.

Last year, I was able to split my list up more evenly into canon adjacent/compliant and human AU. This year, I read a wider variety of stories, many of them quite long, and more series. I’m splitting the list into three categories: canon, human AU, and non-human AU. There's no order or ranking to the list; they were mostly just added as I read them.

There are also no WIPs here; all of the stories are complete. The series are also complete at the time of this list or are a series of standalone shorts that don't need to be read in order. My preferences lean toward funnier, lighter stories and are often heavy on plot. If you’re looking for dark stories with a lot of angst, you won’t find as many here as other blogs might recommend. It’s not that some of these don’t have dark, sad moments or moments of angst, but Aziraphale and Crowley must have a happy ending, and I prefer stories that don’t make me cry or cause a lot of stress.

If you like these stories, don’t forget to leave kudos and comments for the authors! 

If you hit that "Keep reading" button, strap in! This is a very, very long post.

Canon

They’re still angel and demon. I’m counting Reverse Omens in this category.

The Seventh Prince of Hell (56K; Rated M) by @evilasiangenius

Reverse Omens. This is actually part of a series, but I’ve only read the first book, so I’m not listing it as a series. Aziraphale is the Seventh Prince of Hell. His animal aspect is the octopus. Crowley is an ordinary angel. Both are assigned to Earth. They have adventures!

Genesis 3:(-7)-5.5 -7   And they assembled all the Lords, the Princes of Hell into a congregation together sometime after the seventh day, but not on a day of rest because even the Dark Council has a day off. -6  When it came to pass that all grew weary of the powerful pointing presentations, Lord Beelzebub spake with a loud voice, saying unto them, One of uzz brotherzz muzzt go to Earth as Hell’s Represzentative and thwart the doings of Heaven; there izz no choice now that the Almighty has created humanzz. Who amongzt uzz shall take up the project? It comezz with a great deal of extra paperwork, much travel, and no overtime pay. And we shall not reimbursze anything and there shall be no per diem. [...] -3  And of the seven Princes of Hell, three stepped forward, and only three; not two nor five, which are the other prime numbers near three and definitely not one, which is not a prime at all but the unit. The first was the Second Prince, who is called Asmodeus and is a demon of lust. The second was the Seventh Prince, who is called Aziraphale and is a demon of collecting stuff. And the third was the Fourth Prince, who is not worth talking about because they only appear in this one scene and for no other reason than to have three characters. I think that Prince is the demon of executive dysfunction or erectile dysfunction or something like that. Maybe both.

***

Nice And Ominous: a reluctant eschatology of the Second Attempt (series) (117K; Rated T/E) by @e-rated-beardo

A three-part, post-s2 series with gorgeous art by the author. Part I is Crowley’s POV as he deals with the loss of his angel. Part II is from Aziraphale’s POV as he tries to stop the Second Coming and deal with the loss of his demon. Part III is the thrilling finale (and the happy ending). Expect a lot of angst but great characters and plot.

It was a shit day. All the days had been shit, and there had been rather a shitload of them so far. Tucked away in a disused corner of a car park in a retail park in Croydon, a lanky man cracked his eyes open and scowled out the side window of his car. There were raindrops hitting the glass and clouds massing towards the eastern horizon suggested a storm was on its way. He had slept uncomfortably across the front seats for a good amount of time (it didn’t much matter what exact amount), and despite the car being a vintage and exceptionally attractive specimen, nobody had paid it much mind—and the few people who had had the idea to come over and have a look at the ostensibly abandoned vehicle had all suddenly realised how much they actually needed to go buy a sofa or something at that Ikea over there, right about now, in fact. Untangling his various limbs, the man in the car—who wasn’t exactly a man, as such, but close enough for government work—reluctantly sat up, his boot brushing against one of the empty bottles on the floor. He had neglected to sober up before going to sleep.

***

Too Hot for Heavenly Handling (2.4K; Rated E) by @hollybennett123

Crowley says yes to returning to Heaven. The two enjoy three fornication-fueled weeks before they’re hauled before the Metatron and the other archangels for a disciplinary hearing. Rating-aside, there’s not any actual sex in this story. It’s implicit; not explicit.

I’ve read this story more times than I can count (ok, it’s seven). I nearly choked the first time I read it, because I was laughing so hard. Every sentence is a gem. The timing of the jokes is impeccable. There’s not a single bad line in this entire piece. 

“No angel shall pretend to be of a lower status than their actual ranking,” Aziraphale reads aloud. “What does that have to do with — ohhh,” he says, wide-eyed, remembering their ongoing little roleplay. Crowley, an angel of the lowest ranking in their little game, seeking favour from an Archangel; offering to service him in secret so he might earn a series of Heavenly promotions. It had been jolly good fun, actually. “Misuse of Heavenly furniture,” the Metatron continues. “One count. Again, the actual number is unknown. Quite frankly, no one here is willing to research it further to gather any more evidence than the minimum required to bring you before this Council.” Looking back, Aziraphale’s desk has seen quite a bit of action in recent weeks. And the chair. The walls, too, if they count.

***

Aziraphale’s Diaries (series) (11K; Rated T) by @fellshish

A series of standalone fics written as Aziraphale’s diary entries. They don’t need to be read in any order. All of them are fantastic, but I probably laughed the hardest at “Adventures of a mystery shopper in the bookshop.” Aziraphale decides Crowley must be bored after the Nomageddon and in need of work and decides to “let” him take care of his bookshop while he’s away, but then he worries the demon might sell some of his books.

29 August 2018 I’ve informed Crowley I’ll be going away for about three weeks, to perform an exciting and complicated blessing abroad. In reality, I’ve booked the Ritz for myself, where I’ll be forced to act human and eat breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Anything to keep a close eye on Crowley!   30th August 2018 It’s my first day away. I decided to go by the bookshop in an “old and confused man disguise” so I could look through the window. I was just in time (a three hour window between lunch and afternoon tea at the Ritz) to see him read the letter I’d posted a few days ago so it would arrive just as I’d left.  It was cleverly addressed “To the owner or the current guardian of this bookshop”. I used all my knowledge of humans, gathered via the cleverest of ways (a lot of reading), to write it. 

***

A Special Place In Hell (50K; Rated T) by @hotcrosspigeon and @mirach

When Adam shifted reality and caused Satan to disappear, the nearest supernatural entity became the new King of Hell. As it so happened, a certain angel was standing just a little closer than his demon.

Aziraphale, while not Falling, becomes the new ruler of Hell and must navigate Hellish politics, find a role for the love of his life, and maybe bring some proper tea time to the infernal realm. I stumbled upon this story purely by accident one night, and it was a pure joy to read. It’s one of those stories I wish was a series, because I could read so much more in this world.

"Hello, Crowley, my dear fellow. I would like to discuss a certain issue with you. You see, I somehow got into a very peculiar predicament..." Aziraphale sighed in frustration, pacing in his bookshop. "No no no, that sounds like I got my hand stuck in the sweets vending machine again." He cleared his throat. "Hey Crowley, what's up? Better sit down because I have some news to tell you... And by some news I mean... errr..." The angel groaned. "Oh Heavens, there's just no proper way to say this. Ugh, come on, Aziraphale, buck up! You just need to get to the point, that's all. Say the things as they are. No going in circles around the matter. Nice and accurate, right. Just tell him..." He turned at the sound of the bookshop doorbell. "Hello Crowley! Nice weather, isn't it?" "Wha..?" Crowley raised an incredulous eyebrow over the top of his sunglasses, a drop of water running along the edge of his nose. His red hair was plastered to his forehead. He turned to look out the window, jerking a thumb at the onslaught of vicious hail and rain that pelted the glass and plinked against the pane. "Oh, ha ha , very funny. It's bloody bucketing down, angel! I legged it in here before I got clonked on the head with a hailstone the size of my fist." He stopped and frowned at the angel in concern. "Er... you all right? You're looking a bit peaky."

***

Flowers From Hell (42K; Rated T) by @entanglednow

Crowley creates a hybrid demon flower that turns out to be a little more than he intended. This was such a sweet, beautiful story of found family and love, and you’ll absolutely fall in love with Ivy and want to do everything to protect him.

There's a low, quiet rustle from the atrium, where Crowley keeps his finest plants. The beautiful and often terrified rows of them are always so tall and glossy, and fantastically well maintained. Aziraphale regrets that he hadn't taken more of an interest in Crowley's hobbies. It wouldn't have been too difficult, he imagines, to seek out rare specimens to offer the demon. When he's been given so many long sought after volumes, and unpublished manuscripts in turn. Perhaps he could encourage Crowley to open up more, with a few well thought out questions pertaining to his plants, and their various needs. He knows Crowley has been absorbed in a special project recently, he'll make a point to ask about it today. Aziraphale heads into the stretch of greenery, following the tap of feet on tiles, and the quiet swish of foliage. He catches a flash of red hair at the end of the room, behind a messy spray of deep green leaves, then another flash, of what might be the long, pale curve of a shoulder. "Crowley?" The whole room smells damp, thick with fresh soil and crushed plant matter, and it grows stronger the deeper in Aziraphale ventures. He's sure the room wasn't quite so large before, it's clearly been expanded since he visited last, a deep bed of soil is now packed at the back of the room. "Crowley." Aziraphale eases a large spray of damp leaves aside. "I hope I'm not too early, I was -" Crowley is standing by the far wall, carefully touching the valley in the middle of a large leaf with curious, repetitive motions. He's also quite naked. It's - it's unexpected to say the least.

***

Time Marches Forward (129K; Rated M) by @bellisima-writes

While Aziraphale is in Heaven trying to thwart the Second Coming, Crowley is trying to help a frightened 15-year-old Adam learn to deal with his powers. I consider this the definitive S3 (even having written a post-S2 myself), regardless of what the upcoming finale gives us. Every character is wonderfully fleshed out. The plot is intriguing. I read it as fast as humanly possible, barely stopping to do anything else.

Crowley felt the air in the Bentley shift slightly. “What are you doing here?” Crowley jumped in shock, hitting his head on the roof of the Bentley so hard his sunglasses fell off. Adam was suddenly in the passenger seat, studying him cautiously. “Hey! You can’t just come into my car, uninvited,” Crowley hissed, grabbing his glasses and placing them back on his face. He realized he was still slouching, making Adam appear much bigger than he was. He sat up straight and crossed his arms in an attempt to look more intimidating and less drunk. He wondered if it was wise to try and glower at the Antichrist. “He can, actually,” Pepper said from the back seat. Crowley turned and snarled as he noted the three other teenagers in his car. Wensleydale and Brian sat beside her. “He can do anything.” “Yeah well, that may be so but that doesn’t make it right. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should,” he looked Adam directly in the eyes as he said this, assuming no one else around him would ever be so blunt. “What are you doing lurking around my house?” Adam asked again plainly. Crowley’s glowering was not working. “Ngk. I didn’t come to see you, if that’s what you're asking. I’m as shocked as you are to find myself here. I was asleep for a few days. The bloody car did it; blame it for the lurking”

***

The Last Angel (162K; Rated E) by @bellisima-writes

Crowley's been Hell's Grand Inquisitor for millennia now. Ever since the Apocalypse, he's managed to carve out a relatively cushy life for himself. Hell won the War, Angels were essentially eradicated and all human souls were Satan's. Everything was fine. Until one day he hears a rumor that the Last Angel in the universe was finally captured. Until Beelzebub is suddenly ordering him to get information from said Angel, information that's critical for Hell's survival. Until the moment he first locks eyes with the last Angel, and everything he's ever known starts to crumble around him.

I can’t come up with a better description than the summary. Much like the author’s previous work, Time Marches Forward, this is plot-heavy, exciting, action-packed, and gorgeous. The characters are detailed and realistic. The plot sings. And you won’t see the surprise until it’s already there.

“What kinds of rumors?” he asked, shifting in his seat to properly face Eric. Words were one thing, but body language was another. As Grand Inquisitor, Crowley learned early on to weigh both when evaluating information shared by a source whose reliability was questionable. Eric was a nice kid, sure. But their reliability would definitely be categorized as questionable . Eric’s mood shifted as they glanced around the corridor. Crowley hadn’t realized how quiet the cells had gotten. The bloody humans were eavesdropping again. He dug deep and pulled up a hiss so loud and laced with demonic power that it rattled every cell door in the entire block. Eric motioned with their hand for Crowley to follow them into a corner and out of earshot of everyone else. As Crowley pulled himself up and started walking he sent searing looks down each row of cells around him. They were all going to have a talk about this later. “What?” he asked when he got close enough to Eric. Still eyeing the cells behind them, Eric leaned in closer and whispered, “Hastur finally found him."

Crowley shook his head. Eric’s shiftiness was starting to annoy him. “Found who?” “The one who killed Ligur. Crowley, Hastur’s finally captured the last Angel.”

***

Kidnapping A Supreme Archangel For Fun And Profit (series) (31K; Rated T) by @waitingtobebroken

Mostly outsider POV. Four short stories told mostly from the points of view of Agiel, the Supreme Archangel’s assistant, and Kric (Eric with a K), the Grand Duke’s assistant as they try to figure out why the Supreme Archangel is so unworried about all the times he’s getting himself kidnapped by the Grand Duke. In the meantime, the two assistants find that maybe they have more in common than they would have expected, being hereditary enemies and all.

Being Lord Beelzebub's demonic assistant had been easier than overseeing the third circle of Hell. Just stay out of the way, don't make eye contact, not that Kric could, having been blessed with a distinct lack of eyes, and do not talk to the Prince of Hell, unless it was a 'Yes, Your Highness' or... No, that was pretty much it. You did not go around saying "No" to Lord Beelzebub. And of course, just as they had finally grown comfortable in their position, had even found the perfect time to ask for an assistant of their own... There had been a change in leadership. And Kric had found themself serving Crowley. The Original Tempter, the Snake of Eden, the Earth Walker. Kric was not impressed. Flash bastard. And suddenly, they were expected to be in the throne room at all times. To answer when addressed. Proper, actual answer. None of that automatic 'Yes, your Highness' they were so used to. The first time His Rottenness had held up two sashes, before the monthly meeting between Heaven and Hell and had asked which one made his scales look more iridescent and Kric had answered in the only way they knew how... Well, let's just say that hadn't gone well. They had been sent to something called Fashion Week. To better their understanding of clothes and colour theory, something they could sense had been invented by a fellow demon. Lord Crowley, most probably, judging by the way His Wickedness had grinned when he had told them that.

*****

Human AU

Fully human characters. No supernatural/magical elements.

Waking Up Slow (88K; Rated E) by @themoonmothwrites

After both being exposed to covid, strangers Crowley and Aziraphale wait out their isolation together (there’s only one bed!) at a cottage by the sea. This is complete cosycore fluff with just a touch of angst (and a happy ending) near the end. This gorgeous story has stuck with me for so long. If you want something that’s just plain pleasurable to read, this is it.

“Lovely view.” The voice was low, with the slightest hint of gravel, and right next to Aziraphale’s ear. He made an undignified noise and spun round in fright. “Where the devil did you-?” he started, high-voiced, before his foot caught on a stone and he lost his balance. The stranger was standing so close that Aziraphale toppled right into him, and the pair of them went down together in a tangle of knees and a solid thunk to the forehead. “Ow,” the man said, squinting up at Aziraphale, gaze unfocused, before his eyes fell closed. “Oh no!” Aziraphale breathed. “Oh dear. What do I-?” He’d left his blasted phone at the cottage, now of all times when he actually needed it! With an unconscious man lying before him! And it was all Aziraphale’s doing! “I can-- I can-- I know what to do!” he told himself, attempting belatedly not to panic. The best thing to do was not to think too hard. Tipping up the stranger’s chin, Aziraphale pinched his nose and lowered his face until his mouth closed over the other man’s.

***

The Prince’s Consort (142K; Rated E) by @ineffable-toreshi

Aziraphale is the crown prince of a fictional nation. Crowley is a Lily, trained in one of Lucien’s brothels and kept a virgin for the eventual sale to a wealthy master. Against the brothel owner’s wishes, Crowley is purchased by the prince’s adviser, Gabriel, as a companion for Prince Aziraphale. Aziraphale didn’t want a purchased mate, however, and decides to court his new consort the old-fashioned way. 

The description makes this sound like a darker story than it is; it’s actually a really sweet story with only one bad guy (and it’s not Gabriel).

I wrote a much longer review here if you’d like more details.

“I...I was just wondering, my Lord,” Anthony said, nervously nibbling on his lip and twisting his fingers in his lap. “Why did you choose me ?” Gabriel cocked his head to the side. He leaned back, reclining with his arms thrown up over the edges of the bench, and seemed to think about the question. By the time he finally opened his mouth to answer, Anthony was practically vibrating with curiosity.  “There were a few factors,” he explained thoughtfully. “I’ll admit that your appearance was the first and foremost. I prefer women, myself, but I know beauty in a man when I see it. And I’ve seen the types who’ve caught the prince’s eye over the years. I’m quite confident that he will find you more than pleasing, from an aesthetic standpoint.”

***

Keep Digging (7K; Rated T) by Appleseeds

After panicking and losing his nerve trying to ask out Aziraphale, the co-worker Crowley has an enormous crush on, he tells a little white lie that ends up completely spiralling out of control since he can't seem to stop digging himself into a deeper and deeper hole. Now he's obtained plans to help him break into a school, inadvertently funded the purchase of explosives, and, knowing his luck, the fake blood will end up permanently staining the tiles. Who knows though, maybe in the end, it'll all turn out to be worth it.

Another one of those stories that are so funny tears stream down my face every time. Even going back through it to find an excerpt had me choking down laughter.

“I actually used to be a music tutor. That was one of the little jokes I liked to tell.” Aziraphale giggled again. Nhhhhh. “Wish you could tutor me…” Crowley muttered under his breath. “Oh! Are you wanting to learn to play a musical instrument?” Aziraphale asked brightly. Crowley’s eyes widened. He wasn’t supposed to hear that. Of course, he wouldn’t have heard it if Crowley had just kept his big mouth shut. “Um. Yeah.” “Wonderful! Which one?” FUCK. How the hell was Crowley supposed to answer that? Whatever he said, he might end up having to get one of said instrument, and he didn’t know much, but he knew musical instruments could be incredibly expensive. There must be something that would be cheap enough to procure if needs be, right? And with that thought, Crowley responded. “The triangle.” Oh Jesus Christ.

***

Temple of the Muses (241K; Rated E) by @ajconstantine

It’s the start of the Season in 1841 Victorian England. Mr Anthony Crowley has left a life of working at a luxurious high end bordello in Paris behind him and is now a courtesan intent on climbing the social ladder in London to increase his status and social connections. After unexpectedly inheriting the title of the Earl of Eastgate, Aziraphale finds himself trying to navigate the complicated world of the aristocracy. Duke Gabriel purchases a month-long contract with Mr Crowley for Lord Fell as a surprise gift to Aziraphale’s astonishment and dismay. He declines to take full advantage of Crowley’s charms but agrees to an arrangement of pretending to be Crowley’s paramour in exchange for lessons on the etiquette and expectations of Society. It’s a practical arrangement, nothing more. Certainly no feelings will be involved...

One of the best, most well-researched stories I’ve read. The historical elements are fascinating, and the world-building is top notch. Set in an alternate 1841 where there’s no stigma on same sex relationships, but same sex marriage is still not allowed. The story alternates between the present time, with Aziraphale and Crowley navigating their growing relationship, and Crowley’s time being trained at one of the most elite bordellos of Paris.

Crowley has a lot of autonomy in this story. He actively chose to become a sex worker. Once he leaves the bordello and becomes a courtesan, he can refuse to sign with a client. And while there are consequences for breaking a contract, a courtesan can walk away from a troublesome client.

“Exactly what position do you think I was hired for?” Crowley interrupted, pulling the shoulder of his robe back up. The Earl looked at him as if he’d asked a ridiculous question. “Valet, of course.” Crowley barked out a disbelieving laugh. “Duke Haven didn’t tell you about me?” The Earl pursed his lips, tilting his head in puzzlement. “Not you precisely. I was at his house last week, and he chastised me when I mentioned that I didn’t have a valet, insisting I needed one even though…” His eyes widened. “Oh no. What… what did you think you were being hired for?” Struck by the absurdity of it all, Crowley fought the strong urge to laugh outright. Instead, he gave the Earl a roguish grin and bowed with a flourish.  “Mr Anthony Crowley, at your service, sir. Duke Haven procured a contract for me to be your... courtesan.” Lord Fell's mouth dropped open as he gaped at him in apparent shock. “You— I—” He floundered, at a loss for words as he looked away from Crowley. His eyes landed on the bed. To Crowley’s growing amusement, the Early actually blushed, red staining his cheeks as he swiftly averted his gaze.  

***

#RAINBOWROAD (series) (407K; Rated T/E) by @nieded

If you haven’t heard of this one yet, you’re one of today’s lucky 10,000. This is one of the best, most well-written human AUs that anyone has produced for Good Omens (or really, of any romance). It’s a three-book, three-short series set in the world of Formula 1 racing. You heard that right. You don’t need to know anything about F1 racing. You don’t even need to like F1 racing. You just need to want to read one of the best romances ever written to enjoy this series.

Ezira Phale is a rookie F1 driver. AJ Crowley is an F1 veteran and an idol of the 25-year-old racer. Everything changes when Ezira meets and falls in love with Crowley, and the older driver (by about 10 years; there’s not a massive age difference here) seems to return his feelings. I wrote a very long review of the series here, so I won’t go into a ton of detail again except to say, if you love human AU, this should be on your list. The author adds notes at the end of the chapters explaining some of the more technical aspects of the sport, or talking about some of the real racers, and it’s fascinating. 

Ezira makes his escape from the after-party after stealing a handful of fig tartlets from the hors d’oeuvres table. He ducks out the service exit before looping back to the front of the hotel. God, he wants to sleep off his tipsiness. It’s significantly cooler at night, and he wraps his arms around his shoulders before slipping inside, making a dash for the elevator. Punching his floor number, he leans against the wall and closes his eyes, waiting to be taken to his floor. Then the elevator jerks as someone jabs their hand between the sliding doors, forcing it back open. Ezira lifts his head and glares at the newcomer before his eyes widen, flushing when he recognizes the red hair and black Renault polo. AJ Crowley throws himself into the opposite corner of the elevator and pulls the brim of his hat down. He turns to look at Ezira from under his cap. "Tough luck out there today, huh?" he asks. Ezira frowns and blinks. And because he’s a little drunk and high on adrenaline, he says, "Didn’t you place seventh? I thought that was fucking brilliant." This earns him a snort, and then a bit of stifled laughter. "You can’t say fuck." "You say fuck in almost every interview you do." Not that Ezira has watched every single post-debrief involving AJ Crowley. This makes Crowley laugh harder, and he wipes at his eyes. "You just look like you should be in a painting or something. You’re like a Hummel." Flabbergasted, Ezira stares. His cheeks grow hot when he realizes AJ Crowley is taking the piss. "I don’t even know what that means." Crowley wipes his eye with the back of his hand and then presses his lips together in a feeble attempt to hold back another fit of laughter. "I’m sorry. I’m just very, very drunk, and was not expecting you to say ‘fuck.’ You look like those cherubs from Italy."

***

Lunacy (57K; Rated E) by @snae-b

@snae-b writes some of the best sci-fi GO stories you’ll ever read. This is hardly the only great story of theirs I’ve recommended; it just happens to be my personal favorite. Crowley is the crew chief of a mining operation on one of Pluto’s tiny moons. Aziraphale is a geologist there to study the structural integrity of the moon. But something seems to be alive, something that shouldn’t be there. This is pure psychological horror, the kind of story where you’re never quite sure what’s real and what’s a hallucination. You’ll find definitely NSFW artwork throughout, so take note not to read it around people you wouldn’t want seeing porn on your screen.

Crowley zones out as they continue their conversation. Things had been weird in the mine today. For the past month really. Tech malfunctioning. Batteries draining when they should have been able to hold a charge for days. Half the lights were on the fritz. As if it weren't dark enough in there already. He'd had to trek nearly a mile into Sheol with only the lights on his helmet to repair them. And his crew had their hands full with extraction, so he’d had to do it alone. The darkness really starts to play tricks on you in there. He spent as much time looking over his shoulder as he did working on the lights. Kept thinking that he was seeing something. Something hiding in the shadows. Something that lived in his peripheral vision. As he tugs a beanie on over his head there’s a light rapping on the wall and everyone glances up to the figure in the doorway. “Excuse me, Mr. Crowley. If you have time in your schedule, I really need to discuss the most recent surface scans with you. Could you come by my quarters before dinner?” Crowley sighs as he snaps on his mag boots. “Yeah. Sure thing doc. I’ll be by in thirty.” The scientist only nods before he disappears down the hall. Dr. Aziraphale Fell. He doesn’t wear the standard issue jumpsuits. He wears thick sweaters and wool trousers that look ridiculous with his mag boots. And when he isn’t wearing them, he can hardly get around. Bumps into everything and everyone. He’s never been off planet before and it shows.

***

Miracles on Ice (131K; Rated E) by @henriettarhippo

It’s the “Blades of Glory” AU you never knew you wanted. Crowley and Aziraphale are men’s figure skaters who get banned from the sport after a fight on the podium. Years later, Aziraphale’s coach, Gabriel, suggests the two of them team up to compete in the Olympic’s pairs event. Only problem is, the two skaters hate each other. 

This is very much an enemies-to-lovers story, and Gabriel as their coach and sponsor is the perfect combination of asshole and good guy. He genuinely does care for his two skaters, and he’s generous with his money, but he also has that rich guy attitude of being used to getting what he wants, and he’s not afraid to tell them to stop being dumbasses either.

“Hey angel, was that your routine? Because it looked to me like a lot of swanning about on the ice with a few pirouettes thrown in.” The mocking drawl came from the figure making his way towards Aziraphale on a pair of sharp blades. Clad in skintight black velvet trousers and a black turtleneck adorned with glittering red crystals—to match the striking red curls that stopped at his shoulders—Aziraphale’s skating rival Crowley beamed down at him with a malicious grin. “Also, you’re a bit late. They handed out the women’s medals earlier today.” He pulled down the dark shades he always wore to give Aziraphale a wink. Aziraphale bristled and sat up straighter. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. That was textbook precision, and I think you’ll find it was the same scores I beat you with last year in Oslo.” “The hotel had a free bar I don’t even remember Oslo,” Crowley said dismissively as he approached the entrance to the rink. He turned back and gave Aziraphale a grin. “But I do remember Boston, and that victory was almost as sweet as the look on your face when you botched that triple loop.” Crowley let out a laugh at the scandalised look Aziraphale gave him. The loudspeakers started up with the first booming notes of a rock song and Crowley hopped up onto the ice and skated away from him before Aziraphale had the chance to reply.

***

Friends Don't (33K; Rated E) by @missunderstoodlyrics

Human AU. Another fantastic enemies-to-lovers by MissUnderstoodLyrics. This is the newest story on this list.

Aziraphale and Crowley are rival advice columnists whose companies are merged. The CEO, Gabriel, tells them they now have to do a joint video podcast together. The snark and bickerflirting are top notch, and this story kept a smile on my face. They have to keep their romance a secret, because the whole schtick of their podcast is their very public rivalry, but it gets harder and harder the closer they become.

Aziraphale attempted to drown his mirth in his wine glass, which was precisely when Crowley decided to position his mouth millimetres from the angel’s ear. “Blair. Have you met him? Worst. Comb-over. Since. Thatcher,” he whispered and then found himself helpfully patting Aziraphale's back as the man choked and spluttered, his cherubic face turning a delightful shade of pink. “Absolute fiend,” Aziraphale managed once he’d caught his breath, but the corners of his mouth were twitching traitorously. Crowley clocked Michaela out of the corner of his eye; she was leaning forward to shush them. Aziraphale escaped her wrath by standing and marching to the stage, his back straight and shoulders squared. He planted himself solidly in front of the microphone and proceeded to destroy what was left of Crowley’s sanity. “I once met a man-shaped snake,” he stated, his gaze firmly locked on Crowley. “Whose snark was taxing to take With swagger and pose He turned up his nose But his wisdom was rather half-baked.”

*****

Non-Human AU

One or both of them are non-human, or have some sort of supernatural abilities (like magic) but aren’t angel or demon. I’m including omegaverse in this category.

Mark of the Serpent (150K; Rated E) by @naromoreau and @summerofspock

Prince Aziraphale is about to be crowned King of Angelhaven when he's taken captive by pirates. When he's sold as a pleasure slave to King Crowley, ruler of the nation readying for war with his, he is forced to keep his identity a secret as he tries to find a way home and keep peace. But not everything at King Crowley's court is as it seems and Aziraphale will have to face machinations of a Royal Court that are far more complex than he had thought. A Captive Prince AU with an omegaverse twist.

The first omegaverse story I genuinely liked, even though Crowley is pretty awful toward Aziraphale at first. Since then I’ve come to enjoy more of them, but this is the one that got me into the genre. This is another one I’ve written a much longer review about here including an explanation for the “extremely dubious consent” tag.

"What about this one?" the omega king asked, eyes fixed on his face, a strange curl to his mouth. "He's an Angel," Hastur sneered. "Pretty, isn't he? We were trying to pick a variety for your majesty to choose from since you didn’t deign to accompany us, but we didn’t find out his origin until after we brought him. He probably doesn't even speak the language." The words manifested in Aziraphale’s mind, and he immediately saw the genius in them. If he didn't speak the language, he could hardly be appealing as a consort to the king. He would be dismissed, sent back to Tracy's, and given time to heal before making his escape. "An Angel?" the king repeated, something passing over his face that Aziraphale didn't like. "What's your name?" "I’m sorry," Aziraphale stammered in Angelic, sticking to his hastily made plan. "I don’t...I don’t know what you're saying." King Crowley smiled and said, in perfect Angelic, "I asked what your name was." "Oh, um, I- you can call me whatever you wish," Aziraphale said, not wanting to risk even a part of his name. The king laughed. "I'm choosing the Angel. Send him to my quarters." "But your majesty-" The omega king turned on Ligur. "You wanted me to choose a pleasure beta and I did. It's done. Were there any other highly important council matters or can I get back to my day?"

***

Saltwater on Skin (186K; Rated E) by @candyqueenblog

Another one with a longer review here. Ezra Fell is an award-winning novelist celebrating the millionth sale of his newest books with his friends and baby brother, Gabriel, on a rented yacht. He falls overboard and washes ashore on an uncharted island, and while awaiting rescue, he gets the strange feeling he’s not alone.

This is a low angst love story between the human and the naga who rescues him, and you’ll fall in love with the island and Crowley’s four sisters. Gabriel is a peach here, much younger than Ezra and very much the caring baby brother. 

And if you’d prefer an Ineffable Wives version of the story, you can find that here. I haven’t read it, but I assume it’s equally good.

Ezra couldn’t stifle the flood of tears as he threw his arms over his head with a scream. Then a pair of rough, but blessedly human hands, covered his wrists. “You… scared?” The stranger’s voice was gravelly, most likely from disuse, but to Ezra it sounded more beautiful than all the angelic choirs. He sobbed in relief. “Oh thank heavens! I thought for sure I was going to-” His words sputtered and died when he opened his eyes to look at his rescuer. It was a man… ...from the waist up. The man’s bare torso was thin, but well defined with long arms lean with muscle. His face was all angles framed by a shock of red hair that curled down his back. His eyes were captivating. They were human enough, save for the iris being the color of spun gold and sliced right down the middle by a slit-shaped pupil. That was about where the human similarities ended. From the waist down the man’s skin melded into a massive snake tail that was wider than Ezra’s entire body and covered in black scales with a red underbelly that matched his hair.

***

FAETED (series) (251K; Rated G/T) by @ineffably-good

The only story in this category that’s not rated E. A three-book, one-short series where Ezra, an English teacher at a public school accidentally ends up in the Fae realms and in the hands of the Unseelie king, Crowley. The world-building is fantastic, and the books use some of the side characters so well, especially Hastur and Ligur, two of Crowley’s most trusted advisers. Crowley is good to Ezra, but he’s spent a thousand years ruling over the chaotic and dangerous unseelie fae, and he doesn’t always know how to handle being in love with a human. And Ezra doesn’t understand the difficult and often prickly politics of the fae, so the two have a lot of misunderstandings to work through. It leads to several fights, but they are usually resolved within the chapter.

The stories are heavy on plot, mostly around the world of the fae, which is one of the things I love most about this series. I could easily read dozens of books set in this world.

Lord Crowley watched as Ezra emerged from the coach, curious to see how this strange mortal would react to his first sight of the Dark Court. Would he blanch in terror? Would he be curious? He didn’t know or understand the creature across from him, but he knew one thing— his reactions, to date, were not what the Prince expected. This was oddly refreshing. It had been so, so long since anyone had managed to surprise him. He watched as Ezra emerged, his fluffy golden hair sticking out in all directions above the dark gray travel cloak he’d donned. He smiled faintly and with studious politeness at the horrifying gremlin who helped him down the steps, brushed the nonexistent dust off himself, and  took in his surroundings. Crowley was gratified to see his eyes widen as he looked around. They were standing in the center of an immense cavern, almost as if a mountain had been hollowed out inside by an immense blast. The rock walls climbed up above them and came together at an unmeasurable distance overhead and were dotted everywhere one looked with cavernous openings, some of which flickered with the light from a fire further inside. Creatures here and there, too murky to make out fully, hovered near the openings of some of them, peering down at the return of their Prince with eyes he could not read. Further ahead, the floor cracked into a massive chasm which ranged across the rest of the cavern and was crossed here and there by rickety-looking bridges. It was lit from below by the light of flames and the scent of sulfur. Stalagmites rose from the floor at irregular intervals, some of them paired with stalactites dropping from the ceiling like large, rocky icicles. Their surfaces glittered here and there with what looked like mica or gems. Crowley watched as Ezra took all of this in at a glance. “Thoughts?” said Lord Crowley, sidling up to him. Ezra turned astonished eyes the color of blue sky to him. “It’s beautiful! I’ve never seen anything like this.” Crowley searched his face for mockery or insincerity but found only earnestness. The Prince felt a tingle of pleasure at this, at least for a moment, until he ruthlessly slammed that feeling down inside himself and returned to his usual sardonic detachment. He hadn’t brought the human here to be his friend.

***

If He’s Your Cleric, Why Is He Putting Me In His Bag of Holding? (300K; Rated E) by @noodlefrog-omens

I read this twice in a row. Literally. I stopped it and almost immediately started it again. I played D&D 3.5 for many years, and I absolutely loved seeing a D&D adventure played out in the GO universe. Aziraphale is the cleric of an adventuring party that stupidly decides to abandon him in the dungeon (you don’t abandon your healer!). Crowley is a very hungry mimic who ends up nearly dying in Aziraphale’s bag of holding before the cleric rescues him. (Look, if you’re going to look like a fancy book, don’t be surprised when the man tries to steal you).

Aziraphale still needs to find his adventuring party again, and the mimic decides to travel along with him. Along the way they find kobolds, a doppelganger, traps, and the obligate dungeon maze, all the while getting to know each other. Aziraphale recognizes his feelings toward the mimic fairly early on, but it takes Crowley longer to even understand what his feelings even mean. 

The porn doesn’t start until chapter 33 (of 40), and only covers maybe three of the remaining eight chapters. You can read the entire adventure and stop once they leave the dungeon if you don’t want any monsterfuckery, or you could skim past the smut to the ending. I don’t know if the author has any plans for sequels, but if he does, I’ll be right there ready.

In that moment, Crowley knew that he had found the right bait to lure this human right to his doom. He waited as patiently as he could while nearly vibrating himself into a puddle, watching as Aziraphale puttered around the room cooing over all the books and scrolls in the room as though they were living creatures. “Just you wait,” Crowley thought to himself, inordinately pleased to have figured out what made this stubborn human tick. “One of them will be.” “There must be centuries’ worth of knowledge collected in just this one chamber,” Aziraphale said in a reverent whisper. Finally, finally he started touching things in this dungeon. He even took his heavy leather gloves off, tucking them into his belt before running a fingertip along the spines of the books chained to the shelves. Crowley watched him take one right off the shelf and thumb through a few of the pages. “We must have walked right by this room. I don’t know why Sandalphon told me there wasn’t anything behind this door. He must not have looked closely enough.” Aziraphale turned his back to the shelves to glance back at the door, and Crowley took his chance to crawl up the side of the bookshelf and arrange himself in front of the chained tomes in pride of place. It wasn’t difficult to change himself into the shape of a book, but this was always about the details. It was an art form. Which books, exactly, had Aziraphale been drawn to? Old ones with leather covers, mostly. Ones with bits of fiddly decoration on the spine. Ones with a bit of mystery. Aziraphale was a cleric, so he was probably interested in talking to the Gods and shite like that, or at least understanding them. That was an angle Crowley could work with. He gave his skin a supple leather texture, inky black and vaguely shimmery in a way he knew would catch the flickering light being thrown out by that sword. Gold edging and lettering crept across his cover and spine, promising divine secrets and cosmic mysteries to anyone who would just reach out and touch. He couldn’t see himself, but Crowley knew that he was a very sexy book right now. Aziraphale would have to be mad not to notice him.

***

Crowley And The Chocolate Factory (55K; Rated E) by @entanglednow

Crowley has to step up for his nephew Adam when he wins a ticket to tour the famous chocolate factories, run by the reclusive and deeply strange Zira Zonka. It doesn't take Crowley long to decide that he wants nothing to do with the man, who's clearly hiding dark and mysterious secrets.

Do you like your Crowley grumpy and cynical? Do you like your Aziraphale weird? Did you think the one thing missing from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory was sex between Wonka and one of the parents in a vintage Bentley? Then this is the story for you!

Crowley doesn’t know what to make of the definitely strange Zira Zonka, but he finds himself drawn to the man nonetheless. The story is set in modern times, but if you know the original (at least the movie version; I can’t speak for the books), you have a general idea of what’s going to happen to the children. 

Zonka releases the arms of his partners for long enough to jerk his cane towards the sky, which erupts in a shower of flower petals and candy - a large proportion of which fall on the immediately excited crowd. Crowley's fairly certain he gets hit on the head by a soft fudge. God, this is humiliating. Zonka dances right and then left while the audience cheers in appreciation. He does another circle, separates from the row to do some unimpressive spins while trying - and failing - to find a good rhyme for liquorice. "My candy emporium has so much in store. Just step right up and walk through the door!" Zonka's gold and white cane snaps up into the air again, this time leaving a burst of light and his name written across the sky in sparkling gold calligraphy. It seems to be a dramatic ending, Crowley certainly hopes it's a dramatic ending. "Half of those lines were a stretch," he complains, but quietly and mostly to himself, because the audience seems to have found the whole thing captivating, Adam included. "And there's only five kids, not six, he can't even count." The Erik's all unlink arms, to thunderous applause from the crowd behind him, and Zonka gives the widest grin Crowley has ever seen. His hands flung on his hips, like the world's most enthusiastic children's entertainer. Crowley half expects him to ask who wants to see a magic trick. "How has this man possibly managed to stay out of the limelight for twenty years?" he wonders. "Or twenty minutes."

***

Villainous (217K; Rated E) by @ineffablepenguin

Once Upon A Time… There was a red-haired sorcerer who lived alone in a high tower, and a blond prince who lived in a palace full of people. And they were both of them desperately lonely. The Kingdoms of Empyrion and the Sorcerers of Apollyon have hated each other for hundreds of years, ever since the Great War. They do not interact, other than to occasionally try to kill one another. And they certainly do not make friends. Crow is an exhausted sorcerer who just wants everyone to leave him the hell alone: for the Sorcerer’s Council to stop harassing him to live up to his potential, and for wannabe Empyrion Heroes to stop attacking his tower to try and kill him. Until one day when he meets Prince Azra of the High Fells, who doesn’t behave anything like he’s supposed to…

This is one of those stories a lot of people recommend for good reason. It’s a fantastic fairy tale full of love and romance between two people who seem destined for one another. The writing is gorgeous, the world-building is fantastic, and there’s really great artwork scattered throughout. Some of the artwork is fairly suggestive, and all of it is stunning.

Crow slowed to a stop, and his gaze flickered bemusedly over him. The man was…not tall. Or remotely intimidating. He stood a couple inches shorter than him, even with the thick boots. Wide eyes shone resolutely grey-blue, the precise shade of his doublet, under a tumble of feathery white-blond curls cut a bit too short to be fashionable. And... his stubbornly-set jaw was rather less chiseled than Crow was used to seeing. No conveniently placed scars, no gritty dents or smudges on that immaculate armour. Heroes usually had cheekbones that could cut glass, but this one’s were rounded, and slightly rosy to boot. Cherubic was the word that came immediately to mind, and Crow nearly snorted out loud. He looked to be roughly Crow's own age, and was staring determinedly, if anxiously at him from behind that enormous broadsword. There was a long, tense silence as Crow and the armoured man sized each other up. The Hero spoke first. “Now see here, villain, I don’t want to have to kill you, so just turn about and head right back where you came from.” His voice was precise and educated, nearly fussy, and while self-assured was lacking in the usual bravado. Crow blinked, taken aback, and the flames in his hand faltered. “You don’t want to kill me?” “Well…no, not particularly.” The confidence wavered for an instant, then solidified. “Which is not to say that I won’t! Rest assured I will if you cause trouble!”

***

The Crawly Chronicles (series) (179K; Rated T/M/E) by @theladydrgn and @sylwritesstuff

When Aziraphale Fell, reporter for The Daily Messenger, is tasked with a simple story on smuggling, he isn't expecting to find out that Lightbringer, Inc. has been experimenting on something that could be an animal, an oil slick, or something else entirely. He especially isn't expecting that being to come home with him and change his entire life.

I’m a fan of the Tom Hardy Venom movies, which made this two-book, two-short series perfect for me. The books follow the plot of the first two movies, though book 2 also starts with the sexual relationship between the two characters. 

My favorite parts of the story are of the two learning to live together while sharing a body, and Aziraphale trying to figure out how to handle having feelings for a creature he’s permanently attached to who is so completely alien (literally) that he’s not even sure that romantic and sexual love are even an option.

The food the human was making already smelled good enough to eat to them, and they did not want to wait twenty minutes. This time their control of the human's hand was less subtle as they dipped fingers into the leftover batter and brought a generous scoop of the chocolate mix to their mouth. “Nasty human's is what they were.” Aziraphale froze or at least tried to. His mouth seemed to have other ideas, cleaning the mixture from his fingers. “What- Who said that?” he demanded messily, looking around. “I did.”  Aziraphale took several steps back, grasping for the cane he'd left leaning against the counter. The voice sounded as if it were everywhere around him or- or in his own mind somehow. “That's hardly reassuring. Who are you? How did you get into my home?” “Got in the same way you did, human.” They grabbed the bowl of chocolate mixture before the human stumbled too far from it, fingers scraping the last dregs of it to not waste a single bit. The cane fell to the floor.  Aziraphale tried stopping himself, but he couldn't seem to make his hands do what he wanted them to do. “Stop! How-” What in the world was happening and how did he stop it? “No. I'm hungry.” “That doesn't make any sense! Stop!” he demanded, struggling to keep his chocolate covered fingers away from his own mouth. “Fine.” They still felt so weak that fighting this human for control was a struggle and a challenge that they did not want to have. It was just so much easier to slip out between their cells and wrap a long tongue around their fingers instead.

***

And finally, if you made it all the way to the end, thank you!

I have three Good Omens novels of my own I hope you’ll check out, a post-S2 with an upcoming sequel; a “they never met”/fake marriage adventure; and a reverse omens (a WIP as of 27 Dec, 2024; chapters are released on Fridays, and it should be completely posted around mid-February 2025).

[beehunterkisser]

Im in the middle of watching the new pnf episodes (ep 4 rn) and I wanna know ur indepth opinions of the new pnf episodes soooo bad,,, They carry the same energy of the early episodes which I love and theyre so fun!!! I LOVE PHINEAS AND FERB!!!! THANK U FOR MAKING COOL ART ABOUT IT!!!

AHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH.. THEY REALLY ARE SO MUCH FUN I LOVED THEM ALL.. Since you asked so niceys im fully lifting my spoiler lid and now will deliver to you all . as IN DEPTH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE

the BEEHUNTERKISSER (first half of) SEASON 5 PHINEAS AND FERB REVIEW!!!

(THIS IS A LONG ASS POST BE WARNED)

SUMMER BLOCK BUSTER/CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MOM

GOOD ASS INTRODUCTION!!!!!!!

i did find block buster to be a lot weaker than cloudy but U need to have a calm before a storm if u catch my drift. also i think this is the episode where the animation is at its weakest. it ramps up sooo fucking good in cloudy. but even then i thoroughly enjoyed it. it was so fun seeing everybody again My bebbies have returned to me...........

That one back and forth where candace steps in after and goes what if you built.. all of them. was so insanely weirdly paced and not funny to me the womp was giving johnny test whipcrack but lucky for me both bread bowl hot tub and the rest of the show get funnier as it goes on LOL

OH AND the scene in cloudy where candace is chasing down momcloud and trying to get through to her has such beautiful lighting and is so SWEEET THEY LOVE THEIR MOM SO MUCH. Also everybody teaming up to save her AND i got yuri pellets (wipes tear from eye) its so damn peak..

LOOK AT THIS MAN ITS SO FUCKING COOL ID EXPECT THIS FROM ONE OF THE MOVIES OR SOMETHING. Linda cloud holds that power over people.. This was genuinely like REALLY cool and exciting im really glad they went with a double episode high stakes adventure for the premiere because like. ive been hungry for some phineas and ferb 22 minute episode drama... its been too long.

ALSO the art in general just had some really cute moments too izzy looks so cute when shes serious. and candace hugging irving. vv first i loled then i serioused. i took a lot of screencaps so im gonna add them here as i go

I genuinely do not have much to say about these episodes for some reason despite how much i loved them. I love that Buford found a Thingy and he Loves it. buford hungry feed him onions and discarded blue couches. Everybody got their own moment here it ruled

The songs in both. summer is starting right now changed me on a molecular level when it dropped it was stuck in my head ALLLLLL DAY EVERY DAY.

I was in work making delisandwiches and in my head technically the first day of summers tomorrow but today is the last day of school. schooooooooooool....

The song of tyhe Summer is insanely cooked and flop i dont even remember how it goes but i guess you could say its meant to be generic so like. no thoughts here. MY RATINGS:

SUMMER BLOCK BUSTER: 7/10 solid introduction banging song gotta get gone instrumental. saves the weaknesses

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MOM: 10/10. he found me crying. he crew too. we both crode

final assessment - were these episodes MADE for me?: yes. its new phineas and ferb i think i can say they thought of me when they were making phineas and ferb. who wouldnt.

SUBMARINE SANDWICH SUBMARINE/LICENSE TO BUST

I GOT A LICENSE TO BUST FULL THROTTLE FULL THRUST GOT ,Y PEDAL TO THE METAL GONNA EAT MY DUST. Ok back to the first one

I was really really excited for submarine sandwich submarine for 1 entire day when they dropped the screenshot of isabella and buford standing next to eachother because i foolishly believed they would have the plot centered around them beefing which i live for if you know me at all. BUT!! Idk it was just kinda an episode.

It really felt like an s4 plot in the sense of a really hard reach for a big idea. Im telling you my bermuda triangle idea from my beach art wouldve been better But like this was the next best thing. it even had wacky sandcastles. Umm the jessimpsons predicted submarine sandwich submarine. The fish was ugly as hell

I can really tell which episodes i liked the most based on how many screenshots or clips i took and this ones an outlier because i found everything baljeet was doing in this episode to be mega cute.

look at him go............ hungry for a cheese and pummelled by olive...

LICENSE TO BUST was a lot of fun too im so proud of my sweet little candace for getting her drivers licensed when faced with the adversary of a balding man. the SONG made the episode for me she ate that shit up thats for later though

LAWRENCE NOT THINKING SHES GONNA PASS WAS SO FUNNY WHATS HIS PROBLEM.................. HAVE FAITH IN YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL OK.. also the gecko gear was so cute i want it so bad... but i think id get stuck to myself and wither up like a sad little freak.

and ferb has literally perished.

I LOWKEY DID NOT EXPECT HER TO PASS I CANT EVEN LIE. The twist that mr. driving guy is also a candacetype is funny but does this mean she passed her test via bias. what does this mean for the future of danvilles road safety? We'll never know cause she goes right back to riding her bike in the episodes after this. (read like cinemasins please)

oh and also while im here. im usually an A-plot only andy so ill probably only talk about doof and perrys plot if its PARTICULARLY funny or engaging to me (no arguments against this this is my protest for every b plot guy that ignores a plots existence. we have to balance it out or we're all gonna die ok?) and this one was.

Hes literally so real ITS LEGAL ITS ENTRAPMENT. KILL YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE LIGHTS ARE GREEN !!! heinz is a good name for a boy or a girl. DOOF WAS ACTUALLY REALLY REALLY FUNNY IN THESE EPISODES i was worried considering how bad he got near the end with like owca files doof and mml doof but MAN I WAS WRONG. SO WRONG. HES FUNNY AGAIN!!!!! BUT ILL GET TO THOSE WHEN WE GET TO MY STANDOUTS LOL. MY RATINGS:

Submarine Sandwich Submarine: 7/10. Over-animated isabella and buford scene will feed me for the rest of my life, baljeet attacked by various foods. Song mid though it was like a worse version of the sea shanty hng song

License to Bust: 9/10 IT WAS REALLY GOOD AND HAD A GREAT SONG.. The callback to her parralel parking fiasco and the Shenanigans was sooo much fun. Now that im here doesnt the intro of license to bust also sound like fred vs fred. whos better at paintball whos better at pool. whos better at driving her car safely near a school. idk just workshopping it.

final assesment - were these episodes MADE for me?: license to bust maybe not but subsandsub was really fun and 24fps buford animation makes me feel seen. 1 out of 2 score.

DRY ANOTHER DAY/DECONSTRUCTING DOOF

UNFORTUNATELY. neither of these clicked with me very much........... DESPITE THIS. DECONSTRUCTING DOOF MAY HAVE ONE OF MY TOP 3 NEW SONGS. GOOD AS FUCK but dry another day is first so shhhhhhhhhhh

this episode we see a character made because they want to keep writing veronica hill from hng but theyre in different parts of danville so they got this new weird guy in. and also a really hot day episode where theyre all sitting under the tree im litrally ghostwriting this show

microorganisms. they need some wawer. baljeet get out of the sun. and the zebra is back. and he drinks boba.. Now i feel like hes part of the mortal realm hes real. and candace reacts with JOY when she speaks to him i thought she BEEFS WITH THIS ZEBRA. Something must have happened between them over the 9 months they mustve reached some kind of peace agreement.

i also really love this karmic cycle buford and baljeet have going on in this season where as soon as one of them gets a moment to gloat over the others misfortune they also immediately eat shit. It makes me laugh every time i was literally hoping so much their dynamic this season would be them breaking chairs over eachothers heads and i think my dream came true.. also what was with the ferbjeet crumbs in this one. (Pic of the riddler) what is he cooking.

SO CUTE... The song in this one didnt really stick out to me that much i couldnt remember it at all. this ones less of a s4 flop song and more of a HNG flop song which is a different ballpark entirely..

NOT MUCH TO SAY. IT WAS A FINE LITTLE JAUNT I HAD FUN WITH IT AND THATS WHAT MATTERS. Its definitely not a skip-on-rewatch episode but its not lifechanging either.

Deconstructing doof is one of the 3 only episodes that i felt some semblance of negativity over. It wasnt bad by any means the therapist going crazy over discovering the truth was a lot of fun and i did have a good time with the episode but like. idk. the leadup was great i just didnt really like the ending it soured it in my brain

the bits where hes investigating and piecing things together is really fun and i love when hes interviewing all the kids and pnfs family. and isabellas like Hes a Genius :-). buford pulls the Im not talking to any cops move. and baljeet performs the candace reddit psychoanalysis.

what makes me think this episode didnt really resonate with me is that. i usually take screenshots. i took ONE. In this ENTIRE EPISODE. i took ONE MEAGRE SCREENSHOT AND ITS THIS

that aside though the song may be in my top 3 s5 songs. i LOVE doo wop songs and omfg this one was so fun. another candace and doof duet.. WAITER WAITER ILL TAKE SECONDS.. THIRDS.. FOURTHS. WHEN HE GOES I THINK I HAVE A THEORYYYYYYY. he ate . and seeing norm and nessa hanging out with doof is so cute im so happy norm is like. Around.

i hope he gets a bigger part eventually but i take what i can get thats my special guy. THE ENTIRE ROLEPLAY PART WAS SO FUNNY. WHYD HE GIVE NORM PAPER JUST FOR HIM TO NOT SAY OR DO ANYTHING. EXIT STAGE LEFT

and the flying disco blimp sequence SO CUTE i rlly thought that was just gonna be its own episode. the song was GREAT and their little dancemoves were so cute i cry.....

buford hitting the 'artist drawing character floating in the void cool-style pose here. MY RANKING:

DRY ANOTHER DAY: 6/10. inoffensive theres nothing much going on here. its just an s4 episode to be honest. great balls of water solos

DECONSTRUCTING DOOF: 8/10 despite my hangups i can tell this is gonna be considered a legendary episode and i love the song so i cant really complain. Its a great concept and i think they did it well theres just something rotten in my heart

final assesment - were these episodes MADE for me?: no these arent beehunterkisser episodes for sure. My battle does not lie here.. onward.. HUZZA

TROPEY MCTROPEFACE/BIBLIO BLAST!

Remember when we thought this was gonna be a ferb centric episode. and it instead turned out to be a zoetrope centric episode. maybe theyre more similar than we thought.. just something to make you think haha....

ANYWAY. MAN THAT EPISODE WAS FUNNY. THERES SO MUCH FUCKING NONSENSE I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN... MICHAEL BUBBLE...... HES HERE.

Im not used to michael buble singing anything thats not a christmas song tbh but he kind of ate this This is one of the ones thats been stuck in my head since i watched it. Episodes like this that center on some random object and what it gets up to are some of my FAVOURITES and this ones no exception its so fucking funny.

something i, as local pnf tumblr buford guy would like to point out, is that biffany got a new voice and a new design. Im kinda sad she doesnt sound like she smokes 30 packs a day anymore because that was such a vibe but THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER. I WAS LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD

THATS THEIR FAMILY GARB. THEIR HERITAGE. Im so obsessed. i am also pretty happy that there is still no sign of anyone from bufords other side of the family so they didnt forget the lore tidbit that he comes from a broken home. The family get together from that one other pnf episode where all his family look like normal skinny background incidentals is so dead to me now. THIS is the real shit. lets all go cut down this tree. doesnt one of them look like vargskelethor joel anyway back to tropeface.

the drama.. the heartbreak.. michael bubble.. im so glad that tropey got to be with his beautiful ferris wheel wife and have triplets and the buford is a fat little hamster allegations are confirmed true. this was kinda the point in the season where i eralised hey isnt he like in this season a LOT. did they do it for me?

honest i dont even know what to say. its so serene its so beautiful. tropey has lived such a full and vast life. hes been through so much. im glad he finally gets to relax. At peace with the world......finally. Sorry to phinabella fans for this one though im keeping you in my thoughts

biblio blast was also a lot of fun it was kinda done dirty by being after the bombshell that was tropey BUT it was a giood time. IM EATING IM A PLANT IM A PLANT PLANT PLANT

THEYRE so cute i literally get so happy when they stand next to eachother. baljeet autism handsing i know what you are.

Again this is apparently the season of buford so we got him shitting on metamorphosis because edgar allen poe is his oshi or whatever which made me laugh a lot. ISABELLA DOING A BRITISH ACCENT WAS SO CUTE ALSO When she and buf banter it gives me life. yes it happens one other time this season its really great guys. things are looking up for me. ALSO DOOF WAS SO SO FUNNY IN THIS ONE. HEINZ HAS NO CLOROPHYLLLLLL UGHHHH THATS SO EMBARASSING FOR HIM. SO EMBARASSING.

The doof plants are really cute i like them id have one in my house but i guess id have to muzzle it but that feels inhumane. so i guess i have to let them live in the wild.. free.. like a bird.. if a bird was a plant.....

The song for this episode also has hng disease in that the vocal mixing is really strange. i had the same problem with strawberry festival im not sure why it happens it just isnt all that nice to listen to. the VISUALS were so cute tho theyre so cute... my little friends! MY RANKING:

TROPEY MCTROPEFACE: 10/10 Oh my Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood Its PEAK

BIBLIO BLAST: 6.5/10 Good innocent fun but not quite memorable enough to be a 7. if baljeet got to kill more itd be different.

final assesment - were these episodes MADE for me?: YES SIR. Buford lore scraps a funny circle and plants. i love all these things. these are beehunterkisser episodes for sure

A CHIP TO THE VET/MORE THAN JUST AN INTERN

this damn episode. Its so bad.

I cant even lie. I did not enjoy it. but it wasnt quite the worst episode so i guess it has that going for it.

The stakes of perry getting a chip were completely dumb and not good. i thought theyd realise the potential of this but perry gets out of getting a chip thru being a platypus and not cartoon hijinks sio basically im gonna die. i was left feeling desolate and alone after this flop and then carl shows up like an angel and brings me to a new beautiful world. thats what these 2 paired up means

the song was pretty decent i do love sophia james singing voice and her work on HNG were always the best songs so it obviously translates over. The littel dance bits with the animals are so cute phineas is literally so cockatiel coded its adorable. and i do love to see a fireside girl or two. believe it or not i genuinely took no pictures of these episodes on my first watch; chip because it sucked and i just wanted it to be over and more than just an intern because it was so damn good i didnt even think of it.

highlight of this episode was probably buford flirting with jeremy. this means he has a crush on both candace and jeremy. whats his play. what does he think hes doing.

let him keep it its cute. and isabella confirmed baldy. IM trying to avoid talking about the goat scream joke because it makes me want to throttle somebody just know it fucking sucks and i hate it. anyway The song guys :). i do really like im just gonna excema this room. i might say that one irl some day its real good. guys im just so apathetic to this episode. its not real...

MORE THAN JUST AN INTERN however is VERY MUCH REAL. ive really really wanted a carl episode for a long time cause hes one crazy son of a bitch. and it makes em wanna attack monogram. but i know some people genuinely hate monogram but i like how shitty he is because its funny LOL.. sorry carl......

i made a really bad joke to one of my friends when they were saying that doof always smelled like fish and i mean im not gonna disclose that here becuase this is a family friendly review but the connontations of this sentence tells you everything. and carl is canonically microchipped.. in case he gets lost... so sweet

THE RETURN OF THE CARL THE INTERN SONG WAS REALLY GREAT I WAS HAPPY WHEN I HERD IT. I do love a good callback and this one wasnt forced or nothing thats just his theme song. but NEW

i have an engineering degree..

IT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO SEE CARL GET SOME RECOGNITION FOR HIS INSANE FUCKED UP WORK ETHIC AND IT FELT SO GOOOOOD TO WATCH HIM BLOW UP AT MONOGRAM AND FOR HIM TO ACTUALLY LISTEN FOR ONCE. WOW.. THINGS ARE A CHANGING

the ending was genuinely really sweet and carl getting to be some sort of weird part of the Monogram family like he wanted to is really nice to see.. carl win.. your strange fixation on approval from your boss has become Something New. MY RANKINGS:

A CHIP TO THE VET: 3/10 this couldve been something. you couldve done something. but you didnt. 3 points for sophia james banger

MORE THAN JUST AN INTERN: 10/10 HOOOWEEE MAMA. SWEET MAMA. THATS A GOOD EPISODE RIGHT THERE SON.

final assesment - were these episodes MADE for me?: a chip to the vet was made to make me mad. carl episode wasnt for me because im not the carl guy but if it was itd totally be for me.

THE AURORA PERRY-ALIS/LORD OF THE FIRESIDES

made me scared. i have an irrational fear of when characters get shrunk down really small in cartoons and get eaten. i dont actually know if monty ate them but i saw enough and got scared and skipped like half the episode. Idk the context of the booger napkin and i never will journey to the center of candace finally has a 2nd episode to join it in my 'scared' tier in my pnf episode tier list.

OK ASIDE FROM THAT. I really liked it. seeing montnessa again and getting a reason for why they kinda fizzled out was great and i really hope they do more with their relationship. The scene with the aurora was BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVED THE LIGHTING and i quite liked the song it was niceys i just checked its sophia james again i shouldve known. ITS SO NICE

i could make them butchfemme. all hope is not lost. i can imagine anything.. and the sweet lil family moments with the flynn fletchers was awesome lawrence joining the conga line and getting rlly into it made me giggle. love you Bro

cause i missed half this episode due to getting scared we are just gonna go to lord of the firesides. IT HAD SO MUCH GOING FOR IT. AND THEN IT JUST FLOPPED RIGHT AT THE END

Gretchen declaring anarchy was so funny she was being such a little shithead. i like to think that shes just Like that sometimes even without a plot convenient inator because obviously girls would never fight like that on their own accord . ALSO ISABELLA SHOVING PNF OUT AND BEING LIKE YOU CANT SEE US LIKE THIS AHAHAHAHA

i LOOOOOOVED THE SONG IT WAS SUCH A SURPRISE and i love it when GIRLS kill eahcother but like i was genuinely really disappointed by this one. i thought it was gonna be something but it like was not. much.

I GENUIENLY THOUGHT ID HAVE MORE TO SAY. I THOUGHT WED GET MORE ABOUT THE FIRESIDE GIRLS AS INDIVIDUALS. YEAH NO That wont ever happen. Oh Whell Guys....... Oh well.. (kicks rock) oh well.....

calling all besties......KILL. MY RANKINGS:

AURORA PERRY-ALIS: scared/10. i cant really rank this one on good conscience. it made me scared

LORD OF THE FIRESIDES: 6/10. really really disappointed but ignoring what i wanted from it its still a really solid and funny episode.. im sure itll grow on me but i guess i just wanted them to fight for real. Its a shame

final assesment - were these episodes MADE for me?: NO SIR! NO SIR THEY WERENT. i got let down

THE CANDACE SUIT/AGENT T FOR TEEN

Well. we are finally here. im sure it is genuinely no surprise to anyone that the candace suit was my favourite episode of the entire batch and even made it to my top 5 pnf episodes ever. there was just so much good buford.

Why the FUCK did he show up in his garage in a purple velvet bathrobe smoking a pipe. whered he get that. they put bubbles in it but i wouldnt have even batted an eye if he was just like acutally smoking atp. IT WAS SO FUNNY. WHYS HE A CRIME BOSS

ladies. to what do i owe this pleasure. what the hell man i need to draw this fit. ALSO BALJEET BEING IN ON IT AND BEING PROUD OF THE FACT THAT THERES A FUCKING BALJEET HOMUNCULI TEA PARTY ROOM WHERE SOME OF THEM ARE SUSPENDED IN THE AIR BY CHAINS AND HANDCUFFS. ITS FUCKED UP WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THEM. i love it. They couldnt have done better.

The suit shenanigans in the episode were so fucking funny but maybe the biggest highlight to me was that THE SONG LEAK TRICKED US. IT WAS SUNG BY BUFORD??? I THOUGHT IT WAS A DANNY JACOB BANGER. Lowkey bobby gaylor ate with it Buford has a hard voice to sing in but it was REALLY good. Like it was reminding me of how lord hater sings in WOY it made me laugh so hard. Stealing jeremy from work . why

i did this when the leak came out but i have to REDO IT BECUASE BIFFANY GOT REDESIGNED AND THE SUIT IS WAY WAY WAY WAY MORE SINISTER. BUT I ALREADY KNOW ITS A BANGER

But ohhh my god it was so funny. Their idea of buford development is turning him into some kind of art freak that knows everything about everyone. he clones people in his garage. his moms ok with it bnc their family cuts trees down for fun so theyre all fucked up in the head. awesome. Literally so fucking awesome

This episode got so many laughs outta me and i loved isabella and buford making fun of candace together for literally no damn reason. SHIT STIRRERS. LETS WEAR OUR CANDACE SKIN AND MAKE FUN OF CANDACE. For an internet trend. Yay! anyone who hates this episode is weak minded and wouldnt survive the baljeet dungeon.

AGENT T FOR TEEN. Ok so i was sad my manifest didnt work but this was SOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. I love the video at the very start the vibes are immaculate and stacy and perry team up so cute and beautiful. you ARE a donny do-good stacy. with the scraps beforehand of them playing video games together its just so peak

so cute. HER GETTING HER OWN THEME SONG AT THE END I SQUEED. AND ALL OF HER RANDOM TALENTS.. How does she ever feel like shes not enough for her mother shes insane at everything. she can even be a dolphin. GENUINELY THIS WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED AND MORE. SHE JUST JUMPS INTO ACTION FOR PERRY SHES SO NICE... and owca knows now.. and she gets a fedora AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ITS BEAUTIFUL ITS SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL

And its really nice to see dr hirano again she is So fine. mad about coltrane mention though hes not real no hes not sir.

i had predicted to myself shed have to cover for perry and keep candace away from him in some way. also dr diminutive and doof beefing is so funny. youre small. well youre uh divorced. shady af comebacks. its so good

I LOVE THIS EPISODE RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY RANKING:

THE CANDACE SUIT: FAVOURITE/10 I LOVE IT WHEN BUFORD DOES MORALLY QUESTIONABLE THINGS WITH NO REPROCUSSIONS. MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD I STARTED SILENTLY CRYING

AGENT T FOR TEEN: 10/10 NO NOTES. Stacy badass and awesome moments and shes friends with perry and its so beautiful. i have nothing intelligent to say its just genuinely so good.

final assesment - were these episodes MADE for me?: YES BITCH. CANDACE SUIT WAS FOR ME. Buford van stomm why do you enjoy being candace (a girl) and living her life (girl life) so much. Much to think about. And STACY YAY

THE HABERDASHER/OUT OF CHARACTER

battle of the mid

Ok jokes aside i LIKED the character of the haberdasher but the most impressive and interesting part of that episode to me was the damn robot spider he was in at the start.

i love that hes steampunky and i love his earnest enthusiasm. hes a fun guy. this black beret really slays . Mothman doof was awesome also im really sad the mothman song was seemingly scrapped becuase i loved it But like YAY AWESOME BUG MAN. I didnt like whatever he was doing with his voice but i kinda forgot abt it after a while so like. WHO CARS.

this is the most ive ever related to doof because back in my youth i used to chew on fabric because i thought it tasted reall;y good. sometimes i crave it. like how he tried to eat socks.

The song that REPLACED THE moth man song..hoo boy. i have a hat for that was almost a good song but the pacing was just kind of off for me it felt like it was moving too fast and then would randomly slow down and then just kick off again and i was left afraid and alone.

I DO LIKE HOW HE CAN JUST TURN HIS SHOP INTO A DINKY CAR how come he has a totally different aesthetic to owca. i guess hes friends with professor elemental from real life and phineas and ferb. much to think about. hes a sweet guy and i wonder if hell ever show up again. ALSO THE SUBPLOT OF THE KIDS BUILDING SOMETHING WITHOUT PNF WAS SOOO CUTE. Buford bringing back the Thingy from cloudy made me laugh a lot. and him being like cant lie guys we're shit.

ITS SO GOOD i really want more episodes where its just them 3 because i feel like theres untapped potential. (buford isabella guy voice) particularly one dynamic in particular (hooked off stage by a cane)

Out of character was also really fun as someone who was raised into a star trek loving household . The set was REALLY fun and baljeet being so excited for acting was adorable i wanna pinch his cheeks. also buford movie interest scraps slowly making me like that career path for him so good job guys.

The song was kinda un memorable for me i do like whenever baljeet gets a solo of some kind but idk if this genre really worked with him he was just a bit shrill. I like that they tried to go for a patter-song type thing but i think with a patter song it needs to have yknow. the signature instruments. and the switch to the singers just doesnt work. Its flop im sorry my sweet little ball

also baljeets badass anime sakuga moment where he takes down the robot was awesome hes literally so iconic

HE DIDNT DESERVE TO LOSE HIS ROLE FOR BEING TOO GOOD!!!! FREE MY BOY! MY RANKING:

THE HABERDASHER: 6/10 i had a fun time but nothing really amazed me. I want moffman back.. sigh

OUT OF CHARACTER: 8/10 A LOT OF FUN. really cute character moments. I smiled and grinned I LOVE YOU BALJEET!! MY PRECIOUS BOY

final assesment - were these episodes MADE for me?: Nahhhh not becuase theyre BAD or anything. i just dont go here. there are baljeet guys out there living their best lives and i cant pretend im allowed to be considered a baljeet guy. id just be a poseur. and im definitely not a doof guy. Im a tourist

THE CHRONICLES OF MEAP EPISODE 42: MEAP ME IN ST. LOUIS

its bad

MY RANKING:

THE CHRONICLES OF MEAP EPISODE 42: MEAP ME IN ST. LOUIS: its bad

final assesment - were these episodes MADE for me?: stabbybarfpain you are one of the best songs ever written you deserved a better episode. my god

NO SLUMBER PARTY/THE BALLAD OF BUBBA DOOF

THIS WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE. BALJEET HAVING A 9:30 BEDTIME IS SO CUTE HES JUST A BABY. THE movie dome is the dream i was really hoping that hed get mega scared of the scary movie because umm idk rlly itd be cute. AND CANDACE STACY AND VANESSA HANGING OUT I COULD CRY.. ITS SO GOOD.. Vanessas outfit was great the mindy doll tanktop is so iconic and i kinda need it. Im really sad candace didnt get toi have much fun because she was so focused on busting.. but maybe in another world. in a fic my good friend wrote maybe. she could have fun. hint hint nudge nudge cometcrystal has a great slumber party big idea fic written before this episode dropped ANYWAY.

i HAVE to talk about it.

HIM HANGING OUT WITH THE GIRLS WAS SO CUTE AND HES LOWKEY IN DRAG MAKEUP... STACY SAYING SLAY QUEENIE GENUINELY MADE ME STOP BREATHING FOR A FEW SEOCNDS. s5 delivered so fucking hard on buford ive never been more vindicated as a buford fan. its literally all coming up milhouse.

the song was ALMOST really good but theres something about the takes they used for the second verse that is like grating. particularly isabellas AND THE SOUND SYSTEMS BOPPING where she sounsd like if a germ coiuld speak. WHYYYY DID THEY USE THAT TAKE. Buford eavesdropping on the girl gossip is literally so cute too i love him so much. hes so cute. ok but like genuinely the dancing in the last chorus the lipsyncing and movements are so horrifically bad they remind me of those inside out 2 songs. this is the phineas and ferb song yeah grab your friends and sing along. type shit. ASIDE FROM THAT ITS A REALLY CUTE BIT AND I LOEV HOW EVERYONE GETS A LINE

baljeet being woken up by the inator and immeditealy going back to sleep is so cute also i literally love him so much he gives me cuteness agression. THIS WAS A FUN EPISODE

Ok sleepmaster general its 9:29. next episode. THE BALLAD OF BUBBA DOOF is the other episode i felt real negativity for. i was really excited for the cowboy episode after i saw fullchains storyboards i thought it was like. an AU episode. but not only is the big idea convoluted and not in a fun way. I DIDNT EVEN GET ANY REAL COWBOY ACTION. I did like bubba doof though . Lunch :D.

i really dont have much to say about this one because like. this being the last one to watch and it flopping made me so mad. I did really like the kids outfits though they were so cute... the song was not memorable and kinda blew chunks. it just was generally . I DONT CAER ABOUT IT.. I DONT EVEN HAVE ANY PICTURES I HAVE TO GO TAKE ONE. WHAT THE HELL MAN. OK WAIT THERE IS A HIGHLIGHT. NED

NED HES SO CUTE.. NORM COUSIN.......AWWWWWWWWWWW COME AN GET IT LITTLE FELLERS. i also liked the scene where monogram tastes perry. kind of fucked up considering they ate agent T if i was perry id be scared that hed like it HAHAHAHAHA.. ANYWAY MY RANKING

NO SLUMBER PARTY: 7/10 Its FUN AND CUTE. A little bit of wasted potential but nowhere near as bad as lord of the firesides. Its fine totally cute. i love seeing all these guys hang out, makes me Snile

THE BALLAD OF BUBBA DOOF: 3/10 idgaf guys. its wasted on me

final assesment - were these episodes MADE for me?: Slumber party yes. If im crazy enough i can taqke it as stanessa crumbs. and also whatevers going on with Buford. Its good. Bubba no sir.

FINAL VERDICT

its good as HELL!!!!!! ITS JUST LIKE OLD PNF BUT WITH NEW HUMOR AND MORE FREEDOM TO DO WHAT THEY WANT.

Its everything i wanted except the things i didnt get which i will soon get over. Im so happy with it I literally stayed up till 4am yesterday to finish it. Its SO GOOD.

and overall.. ido believe.. this season really was made for me. last year was year of shadow the hedgehog this year its year of buford van stomm BITCHES

[thedivineden]

Anatomy Pt. 2

pairing: Armin Arlert x reader ft. Eren Yeager

genre: smut

words: 800+

notes: collegeau!, nerdmin, light flirting

AN: Part three in the works now! I appreciate everyone who has read so far, I swear I’ll keep going LMAO. Part One ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

The remainder of the week goes without incident, and the party night became background noise for my schoolwork. I'm either studying in the library or in class. Although today I was in the library earlier than usual due to a canceled class, I found my usual corner spot taken by Eren and Armin.

Normally, I would look for another location and steer clear of people at all costs. But our prior exchange only made me more open toward the occupiers. Eren looks up first, facing me as he hears my footsteps. He gives Armin a small smirk and whispers something to him; Armin doesn't look back, but I can see tension in his shoulders.

I walk up to the table, greeting both of them and asking Armin if anyone is sitting next to him. He looks up at me with a small smile shaking his head no, moving his stuff over to allow me to sit and take out my books and laptop. "Hopefully, you guys don't mind me sitting here, even if this is my normal study spot." I say laughing.

Eren is quick to engage in flirtatious and playful banter with me about the study area and how I will now have to "fight to keep him away from here." Armin's quips are even funnier, with a hint of flirtation, as if he's testing the waters. "Eren, you're going to scare her away." Armin says, I watch them out of the corner of my eye. Armin is clearly looking at Eren, signaling something, but I'm not too sure what.

Eren rolls his eyes and starts packing up his belongings, mumbling something about soccer practice, leaving me and Armin alone in the library corner. He doesn't say anything for at least ten minutes, which leads me to believe we'll be studying quietly together. Without looking up from his book, he says, "You didn't text me." I was surprised and a little curious.

I pause for a moment, noting how my prolonged silence only caused his leg to bounce slightly. "You're correct; I didn't text you." He looks at me for a moment before returning to his textbook, asking, "Are you doing well in your studies?" I laugh internally at his question, wanting to pursue it further; he clearly needs some coaching. "I am. Why?" His leg briefly stops shaking before resuming. "Then there's no reason for you to have my phone number, correct?"

"Correct. Would you like me to delete it?" I say teasingly, I could see a slight blush on his cheeks start to form, "My number could be used for other purposes rather than studying, so no. I rather you keep it and use it." he says packing up his stuff and leaving me alone.

His reaction only fueled whatever came next, I pull out my phone and text him. "What other purposes Armin?" and continue the rest of my day studying. He doesn't text me back the rest of the time I'm at the library and once I return to my dorm Sasha is all over me. She's asking me a million questions I stop her and ask her to slow down and tell me what's going on.

"Dude, we got invited to the party of the fucking century. Me, I understand because I've known them forever, but you? How did you get invited to the cabin?" I look at her perplexed, "Cabin? No one told me about a cabin, what are you talking about?" She pulls out her phone, slightly exasperated by my lack of knowledge, showing me a group chat that details a cabin trip and a guest list, brandishing familiar and unfamiliar names, along with my own.

"I have no idea what this is Sasha, also who is them?" Sasha tells me the group chat is compromised of her, some guy named Jean, Connie, two girls names Historia and Mikasa, Eren and Armin. I ask her who added me to the list but she only smiles and laughs. I knew that meant a she wasn't going to budge and I'd have to be left in the dark. I shoot her a pointed look and hear my phone ding from my bag.

I reach for my phone and see Armin's bold but ambiguous text: "Anything you want." He then sends me an invitation to the cabin. Over my shoulder, Sasha is observing the dearth of messages, which amounts to flirtation already beginning. She teased, "Oooh, perhaps he invited you," and walks off to her room.

The rest of the week, I'm texting Armin nonstop, he's witty, funny, a bit of a smart ass and incredibly flirty.  After telling me about his anatomy class, he would tell me that he needed a "hands on experience" and ask me to be his test subject. Or he would ask if he could "learn me, inside and out" while we were deep in conversation, complimenting me on my body structure.

I'm completely flustered, often responding teasingly, leaving him guessing whether his advances are working. I'm eternally grateful that he doesn't see how flushed I am. I received another text from him inviting me to his dorm and providing his building and room number. I replied back, "I'll come, but keep your hands to yourself, Arlert."

He responds immediately.

"No promises."

[evilkitten3]

ok so like i know the reason is just. sexism but one thing that really irks me about how the post-timeskip naruto manga handled which characters became medic nin bc it makes absolutely no sense to me

sakura's decision to train under tsunade makes sense, and i love that she got a super strength power up, so no notes there, but the other teams.... yeesh

so first off, team ten. we're told that ino decided to follow sakura into mednin land to keep being rivals with her... despite that at no point factoring into their rivalry at all beforehand. ino never showed any interest in that, nor was the yamanaka clan ever mentioned to have anything to do with healing as far as i can remember. it's like going to art school to stay with your bestie when your goal is to become a dentist. why are you there. find other ways to spend time together. it also kinda goes against her family's whole thing as. the guys who do the torture stuff. and it's barely ever relevant anyway

for team ten, i think the team medic should've been shikamaru, and i think this not just bc i think it makes more sense skill-wise (something about the way the nara clan's various shadow jutsu work just screams "you need good chakra control for this" to me), but also bc i think it would make asuma's death a thousand times more painful. bc shikamaru is a slacker. he's not learning medical ninjutsu bc he wants to, he's learning it bc someone on the team has to in order to stick together. they're all chuunin now; one of them has to be a medic. them's the rules. but he doesn't really care that much, even when he is trying to learn, and he's so used to being smart enough to not have to pay attention in lessons anyway that he's not prepared for classes that require his full focus. and then asuma dies and shikamaru is doomed to spend the rest of his fucking life wondering if he could've saved him by paying just a little more attention to those medical ninjutsu lessons (he could not have (but he'll never know for sure))

team eight makes some sense, since giving the girl who struggles with fighting the healing job isn't exactly out of nowhere, but i do feel it was the lazy choice. kiba already had a sister involved in the medical business, even if she deals more with animals, so he could've started learning from her and found that he liked it. plus kiba's goal is to be hokage, and the current hokage is a mednin, so it's not like it wouldn't support his goal. or shino could do it; would add another layer to his character. hinata works fine but. it's just not a very interesting development imo

but what really gets me is team gai. good freaking grief. out of every single team, team gai was the one with the most obvious choice. bc there was only one choice. lee can't do any kind of ninjutsu, and tenten's only real backstory is that her chakra control isn't good enough for her to be a medic nin. so it had to be neji. canon establishes that every team has to have a medic; this is a policy tsunade got passed even before she became hokage, so no way in hell is she going back on it now.

moreover, neji becoming a medical ninja - especially if hiashi encouraged it - would show some development for the hyuuga clan maybe starting to suck a bit less. bc as a medic, neji would be bound by oath to stay alive for as long as possible. imagine a world in which hizashi came back and hiashi was able to tell his brother that not only was their family starting to change, but his son had chosen a path that would prevent him from ever following in his father's footsteps. it would be the first step (of many) to show that the hyuuga clan was freeing itself from its own bullshit.

also it would've made sakura catching the zetsu pretending to be neji a thousand times funnier. like that's her coworker. they've shared shifts at the hospital together. she's seen neji drink vodka straight from a bottle and then crash on her couch after they got out of a twelve-hour surgery on the fucking dumbass chuunin who managed to step on his own boobytrap. she knows him.

[balrogballs]

The Clean Break

a little take on Aragorn and Elrond’s final meeting, a removed scene from Cast in Stone (no context required; it’s canon compliant) that I liked too much to toss.

Aragorn was Estel when he broke his wrist, somewhere between five and six years old. It was a perfectly ordinary break, which happened for a perfectly ordinary reason: he had been running about on a wet floor, slipped, and crashed over a threshold. Elladan and Elrohir had come running at his wails, picked him up and took him to Elrond.

He remembers how Elrond explained to him that it was a clean break, and a very small one — it would stop hurting in a few days if he kept it still. The twins, those ardent connoisseurs of broken bones, had kept up a steady stream of joking patter to distract him whilst their father slowly applied a pain-relieving poultice and began to wrap up the wound.

Estel had been sobbing and sobbing, regardless of how mild the injury truly was. He was only five years old, and was more frightened than hurt, because he had never broken a bone in his life and he did not understand what everyone was doing, did not understand why his arm was being covered in white cloth, and it did hurt quite a lot, so he wailed.

And at some point in the process, he remembers looking up and realising that his father was crying too. Elrond hadn't made a sound, but his cheeks were awash in silent, indecipherable tears. Aragorn remembers how his expression didn't change at all, blank and beautiful in the white afternoon light: wrought from stone like a weeping statue, a quiet miracle, a promise of faith.

He remembers Elladan's tense, barked-out "Ada! What is it? What is wrong? You said it’s a clean break!"

And Aragorn remembers how Elrond had sat back on his heels and smiled, the motion pulling his features back into familiar lines. He remembers sitting silently, watching the last tears fall down the marble face, as Elrond said: "hush, my boy, you will scare Estel. Nothing is wrong, it is only a clean break. He will be fine tomorrow."

"Then why are you in tears?" Elrohir had asked, equally worried.

"Oh dear, am I? Aha, I am. Truly, it is only because he is," Elrond admitted sheepishly, sniffing. He had stroked a lock of hair back from Estel's face, laughing self-consciously, and his voice shook only a little. "I hate seeing him in pain. It breaks my heart seeing him cry so ceaselessly, even for such a small cause. It is only that, Elrohir, do not worry."

At the time, the twins had laughed, teased their father for his softness as they often did, made so many jokes about it that even little Estel, who didn't really understand the fuss and at the time had just probably assumed Elrond had a broken wrist too, was laughing alongside the three of them for absolutely no reason at all. It was casual, domestic, completely ordinary and commonplace as far as his childhood went: there were funnier incidents, sadder scenes, happier conversations.

But for some reason, this one is Aragorn's first real memory. The day he broke his wrist is the scaffolding he built his life atop, the day he looked at his father and found something sacred within him.

________

"I thought for a very long time," Aragorn says, on the tallest tower in Minas Tirith, their final meeting. "About what I could give you as a parting gift."

"If it is anything extravagant," Elrond warns him, raising a finger. "You know as well as I that I will take it to mean you are offering me a bride price, and I will take deep offence."

Aragorn grins, winks: "it's actually less than worthless, financially speaking" and cackles at how Elrond actually looks somehow more offended at that option.

"And what is this less than worthless thing you are donating to the one who raised you all your life?" he raises his eyebrows, a smile playing on his lips. "What castoff hand-me-down do you deign to bestow me with?”

"I know you must be weary of rings," Aragorn gestures at Vilya, winking away on Elrond's finger. "But perhaps this one may restore your faith in them."

"I am of a race that thinks nothing: jewels, lives, wars, is eternal," he continues, hair drifting over his face. "Of an old jewelry box my mother had, many trinkets were lost to time, some earrings were without a pair. And such loss of heirlooms never grieved us. After all, they were not ours to grieve."

"The oddest thing in the box was an old, battered golden ring. When I was first given the collection, I was only twenty yet already that ring was far too small for me. I thought that it belonged to a petite woman, perhaps a sister or a mother. Yet more recently, I was thinking of it and it confused me — why would a noblewoman own a cheap, plain ring? The other stones in the box were all precious, valuable, true heirlooms. When my mother died, she told me to pass them on to my children, and I will: but with this ring, I intend to disobey her."

"It was only some weeks ago, as Arwen showed me her own rings, that I realised something," said Aragorn, fishing around in his collar. "That this trinket I carry was no woman's ring, it was made to be worn by a child. You had given me one of these too, if you recall, as per tradition — on my sixth begetting day, a flat gold ring like this with my name carved into the inside. That was when I looked closer at this one, at the inscription on the inside of its hollow."

He unfastens the clasp on the chain, slips a small ring into Elrond's palm. He watches as all the blood leaves the elf's face only to be replaced by a harsh, terrible expression.

"Nothing is eternal, Ada," repeats Aragorn. "But some things should be."

"You are — you are giving me this?" Elrond's voice is strangled, eyes wide. "It —"

"I am. It is not mine to grieve."

Elrond does not say a word, does not even look at Aragorn, instead turning away and walking towards the far side of the balcony where he stood silently, ring clutched tightly in a shaking fist. Aragorn allows him to hold on to dignity.

Dignity, and a small, burnished gold ring.

It was rather battered, some of the plating rubbed off, a groove carved into it from all the times its owner tied it to a string and used it to tease cats with. It had a small dent in the frame, warping it slightly, and if you looked closely you could make out a little tooth mark, as though someone had a habit of gnawing at it. It was less valuable heirloom, more solid proof that the ancient king Elros Tar-Minyatur of Numenor, had once been a messy, careless little boy.

A few minutes pass, in which neither of them speak.

"I had nothing of him," Elrond tells him quietly after a while. "All my life, I had nothing of him at all. It had felt wrong, you see, sailing off to Numenor and demanding his possessions from his grieving children. So for five thousand years, I had nothing of him."

"But I never told you of him," Elrond's voice is searching, harsh and confused, trying to find a justification for the gift. "I had never told you of him, and yes, you had known of him from your lessons but I had tried so hard never to speak of him to you lest you, for one second, thought that I only loved you because you were the heir of Elros. You had no reason to know how I loved him, how fiercely I missed him, how I had nothing of him at all."

Elrond sounds almost angry, wrenching the words through gritted teeth like a scolding, his back still turned to Aragorn: "who made you so kind, Estel? Who made you so selfless — that you — that you give me this without ever being told — that you thought of it — who made you, boy?"

Elrond is breathing in deep, clarifying breaths and Aragorn stands there silently. He does not answer any of the fevered questions. It was Elrond, after all, who once told him over a chalkboard: stupid questions did not deserve answers.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Ada," says Aragorn at last, when only a sliver of sun is left behind in the sky. "Not for a moment. That is why I had… I had… that is why I had hoped we could have a clean break. I just didn't want to hurt you."

"I know you didn't," Elrond says, half-smiling as he turns back, composed again yet not entirely unruffled. "But I would rather it hurt in such a way, than it not hurt at all."

"Would you?"

"Of course," Elrond tells him, unconsciously running a finger across the flat, golden surface of the ring he had slid onto his smallest finger. "After all, the most treasured things in the world are only so valued because of how debilitatingly painful it would be to lose them."

Aragorn cannot speak. He has dawdled and delayed, pushed this parting to a cliff-edge, given gifts and made jokes, all the while waiting for a clean break that would never come for those who love like the two of them. He walks forward in a daze, and Elrond takes him into his arms and Aragorn is five again — building a life atop the scaffolding of the heart Elrond offered to him.

"I do not know what divinity made you this way," his father's voice is rough as he repeats his earlier question, but it does not break. "I do not know which of the Valar wielded the knife that carved you out of kindness. But I am glad, Estel, so glad that I know you."

Aragorn stays pressed in that embrace, shaking. He fights a sudden, absurd urge to laugh and roll his eyes, to say don't ask stupid questions, to say who made me kind? oh, I don't know, perhaps the one who loved me so wholly that he beheld a five year old's silly, childish tears, and wept that I shed them at all.

Still, he does not move: he does not want to see Elrond's face, does not want to see his own, not at this moment. Time passes, strains like molasses through linen, slowly and with great reluctance. At last, the king draws away and takes in this final image, the one who raised him standing before his son with an inscrutable expression on his face.

When he was younger, Aragorn used to think it might make it easier for his father to bend with the marred world if he learned how to be as cruel as it was, instead of taking each slap in the face as a surprise. But he understands now that whilst he wasn't looking, the marred world had bent itself to Elrond's gentleness; that it is a strength, an honest one, to be kind when the world not only abides by cruelty but insists upon it.

Aragorn cannot bring himself to turn and leave, wanting to brand Elrond’s face into the back of his eyelids with knife-hot tears. It is anything but a clean break.

“I cannot bring myself to turn,” he admits, the moonlight limning the silver in his hair. “Because when I turn, you'll be gone, and it will be the end of everything. Is this the end of everything now, Ada? Are we done now, you and I?"

Elrond smiles, looking at Aragorn in the same way he had always looked at him, every day since the moment he was put in his arms: eyes bright with unconditional adoration, unashamed pride, and a constant, total faith in him. He shakes his head.

"You and I will never be done,” he says softly; resolute. It is the only oath he ever makes.

[yumeka-sxf]

Thoughts on Spy x Family: Family Portrait

I finally got around to reading the SxF light novel, Family Portrait...and I mean "finally" because it's literally been sitting in my shelf since it was first released in English back in December of last year! I was distracted by Code White and the SxF video game which came out around the same time, but even long after that, I was having trouble getting motivated to read it. For some reason, experiencing SxF in novel format instead of in anime/manga just didn't appeal to me, plus the fact that it's not written by Endo himself (these weird preferences of mine are also why I'm not into reading fanfics either). Don't get me wrong, in general I love reading stories in prose form too, but for a series like SxF that already has such an established visual identity, it doesn't feel as "authentic" to me if that makes any sense. But I did want to read it eventually, since it is an official part of SxF media and Endo did the illustrations and does acknowledge the book (he wrote a nice afterword at the end). So I finally sat down and read it in sections over the course of this week! I'll share my brief thoughts on each of the contained stories:

Novel Mission 1

Since this was the first story in the book, it took me a while to get used to experiencing the world of SxF in novel form. There were some things I felt would have been better conveyed in anime/manga, for example, one of the very first gags about Yor misinterpreting Anya's nature class as some sort of hardcore outdoor survival trip. As I was reading that part I was like "I get the joke, but it would have been funnier if I actually saw these images and the characters' expressions with Endo's comedic illustrations." It was also a bit jarring to hear the characters thoughts and feelings from third-person narration, but I got used to it. As for the story itself, it was Damianya focused, something I'm not particularly into, but I don't mind it either. I liked the rare, soft Damian moments, and the thing with the squirrel eating Anya's peanut trail was funny. I also liked the scene at the beginning where Loid and Yor feed Bond together while Anya watches.

Novel Mission 2

Oddly, this was my favorite of the stories! Of all the characters, I think the author nailed Yuri's unhinged thoughts the best - as I was reading, I couldn't help but hear every cringe thought in his voice, which is a good sign of how well the author gets the character! I actually chuckled at a few parts too, both from his insane Yor-obsessed and anti-Loid musings, as well as from his banter with Anya. The police interrogation scene was great and would be even better if it ever gets animated! I also found it interesting that this story has the first instance where we find out what Yuri thinks about Bond (that he's fat and useless - rude!) Also his first time hearing about Franky apparently...makes we wonder if Endo will make him feel the same way if these things ever come up in the manga.

Novel Mission 3

I liked this story a lot too! I think it worked the best in novel format out of all of them, probably because it was more focused on drama and emotions than comedy. It's ironic that the two official SxF stories that feature the deeper side of Franky's character - this one and the omake chapter from volume 13 - are both not even part of the main canon! Alessa would have definitely accepted Franky's job as an informant, but he felt that someone like her should only be surrounded by "beautiful things." The poor man really needs to see that inner beauty matters too, and he has that! I also think he should have swallowed his pride and told Loid the real reason why he wanted the disguise...not that it would have changed the outcome. Poor Franky.

Novel Mission 4

This was a cute Forger-focused story, but like the first one, I felt it had parts that would have been more effective in anime/manga form, for example, "hair monster" Yor and whatever hideous painting Felix ended up making! But despite that, it was still funny and cute. Though I do think the author went a tad overboard with Yor's flustered antics...they just kept going and going, lol. Also, like the movie, we have another scenario of Loid getting flung into the air by Yor but landing gracefully on his feet (though this instance was much tamer since she wasn't drunk and only pushed him instead of hit him). Again, maybe I would have appreciated the humor in this story better if I saw it in anime/manga with Endo's hilarious designs and expressions, but for what it was, it was enjoyable enough.

Short Novel

This extra short story would be perfect as a reintroduction story for a future anime season...maybe one day!

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Overall, the Family Portrait novel is a nice addition to the Spy x Family universe. Even though I feel the humor in the series is most effective in illustrated form, it's still nice to have more stories in the canon, especially ones that show new sides to the characters, like the Franky and Yuri stories. Like the movie, it's debatable if this novel should be considered true canon or not, but personally, I don't find anything in it that contradicts canon, at least not yet. So yeah, definitely check out the novel if you haven't already! 😁

[diminuel]

Oh my God, that family tree xD

Ahh, thank you for letting me play around in your idea sandbox, timetravel au def can go both comedy and angst, it got nuances, angsty crack mayhaps! Because there was def so much angst involved with Croc's childhood, it had to be traumatic to loose your whole family in one swoop: Xebec seemingly dead, Newgate left him behind for one reason or another (I also think everyone believed Croc dead for a while, I mean, if Roger can find Shanks in a chest after God Valley, then Croc can be found on some other random island as well, everyone believing him dead and he thinking he was abandoned - cue the angry feeling when he hears about the Whitebeard pirates and their Pops) and the whole crew, or what was left of them, scattered. And now years later, when Croc has come to terms that he's alone (even if he isnt, even if his father Whitebeard does actually care for him and yearns for some kind of relationship) and has built his own new family, his dad comes back and Croc is confronted with the fact that yes, actually, Xebec loved and does love him. How do you move on from that, when one of you had years to try to confront his tangled feelings about his childhood while the other one realizes that he left his child alone, that this child grew up without him and he has been left behind?

I love to imagine that they make it work, it involves therapy (Dragon: That's what you two call telling unlucky captured Marines/Pirates about your issues??) and tears. So many tears, even if both of them would deny it to their death.

And that's how we get the Xebec trailing after his oldest Granule (I fucking love that title omg) and seeing his ex again! Time for more angst with those two!! (Maybe Xebec becomes a hot topic for the WB pirates and they jokingly start referring to him as mom which ends up biting them in the ass when someone let's that name drop because they got used to it when Xebec visits them again to see his Granule: Newgate is mortified, Xebec a gremlin who gets a kick out of "stealing" the affection of "their" children. The family dinners would be disasters.)

My ideas are always open for everyone to play with them! It makes it a lot of fun for me!! ♥♥

Yes, I think there's a lot of potential for an interesting dynamic with Crocodile and Xebec having to come to terms with what happened back then - the abandonment and the realization that the abandonment happened even if it was an unfortunate accident! And I'm thrilled about what their idea of therapy is X'D Dragon's right to question it. There's got to be a better way *lol*

(Wah, Crocodile and Xebec crying ;w; Poor guys!)

Haha! The Whitebeard pirate's mom! I wonder who would have let the mom slip! Xebec would have fun with that!

The relationship between WB and Xebec would also be interesting, especially after so much time had passed for WB but none at all for Xebec (well, I don't know how much time would have passed between time travelling and following his oldest granule to WB!) Also, I've seen some flashback things and WB seems to be quite exasperated with Xebec at all times.

Would they make up~? Or would divorced parents energy be funnier? *lol*

[txttletale]

Your discussions on AI art have been really interesting and changed my mind on it quite a bit, so thank you for that! I don’t think I’m interested in using it, but I feel much less threatened by it in the same way. That being said, I was wondering, how you felt about AI generated creative writing: not, like AI writing in the context of garbage listicles or academic essays, but like, people who generate short stories and then submit them to contests. Do you think it’s the same sort of situation as AI art? Do you think there’s a difference in ChatGPT vs mid journey? Legitimate curiosity here! I don’t quite have an opinion on this in the same way, and I’ve seen v little from folks about creative writing in particular vs generated academic essays/articles

i think that ai generated writing is also indisputably writing but it is mostly really really fucking awful writing for the same reason that most ai art is not good art -- that the large training sets and low 'temperature' of commercially available/mass market models mean that anything produced will be the most generic version of itself. i also think that narrative writing is very very poorly suited to LLM generation because it generally requires very basic internal logic which LLMs are famously bad at (i imagine you'd have similar problems trying to create something visual like a comic that requires consistent character or location design rather than the singular images that AI art is mostly used for). i think it's going to be a very long time before we see anything good long-form from an LLM, especially because it's just not a priority for the people making them.

ultimately though i think you could absolutely do some really cool stuff with AI generated text if you had a tighter training set and let it get a bit wild with it. i've really enjoyed a lot of AI writing for being funny, especially when it was being done with tools like botnik that involve more human curation but still have the ability to completely blindside you with choices -- i unironically think the botnik collegehumour sketch is funnier than anything human-written on the channel. & i think that means it could reliably be used, with similar levels of curation, to make some stuff that feels alien, or unsettling, or etheral, or horrifying, because those are somewhat adjacent to the surreal humour i think it excels at. i could absolutely see it being used in workflows -- one of my friends told me recently, essentially, "if i'm stuck with writer's block, i ask chatgpt what should happen next, it gives me a horrible idea, and i immediately think 'that's shit, and i can do much better' and start writing again" -- which is both very funny but i think presents a great use case as a 'rubber duck'.

but yea i think that if there's anything good to be found in AI-written fiction or poetry it's not going to come from chatGPT specifically, it's going to come from some locally hosted GPT model trained on a curated set of influences -- and will have to either be kind of incoherent or heavily curated into coherence.

that said the submission of AI-written stories to short story mags & such fucking blows -- not because it's "not writing" but because it's just bad writing that's very very easy to produce (as in, 'just tell chatGPT 'write a short story'-easy) -- which ofc isn't bad in and of itself but means that the already existing phenomenon of people cynically submitting awful garbage to literary mags that doesn't even meet the submission guidelines has been magnified immensely and editors are finding it hard to keep up. i think part of believing that generative writing and art are legitimate mediums is also believing they are and should be treated as though they are separate mediums -- i don't think that there's no skill in these disciplines (like, if someone managed to make writing with chatGPT that wasnt unreadably bad, i would be very fucking impressed!) but they're deeply different skills to the traditional artforms and so imo should be in general judged, presented, published etc. separately.