#which I can do on the flight home
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i hate their last names now lol
#Mitchell this Kazansky that#back in august i was like oh last names only to show that they’re not as close to each other as they could be until the very end#etc etc#but now im fucking SICK of it hahahaha#the number of times ive written kazanky and had to fix it….#LUCKILY!!! (this is the point of the post) i might not have to ever do it again bc I have finished the final edit of wwgattai#now just have to translate those changes over to the other fics/parts of the series#which I can do on the flight home#so! idk. soon. i promise. sorry it’s taking so fuckin long i am mf BEAT#process poasting#additional significance also of using their last names because of their dedication to the navy over each other#a theme that will be further explored in final edits etc etc#which i s2g are coming i swear
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#so we might lose Eva#I mean she is 11 which isn't young for a dog but also she's a baby and will always be#and the prognosis is capital b Bad#so I'm going to just work and work more and keep myself distracted#and look at flight tickets later to fly back home#and the world is a shitty fucking place where pets die and there is nothing you can do about it#we just got her!!! she's 3 months old and we just got her#wtf what is wrong with the universe
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I hope life eases up soon man, take care of yourself
Thanks mate <3
stuff's starting to gradually get better now, actually let myself feel feelings after bottling them till it popped
just kinda turns out that throwing yourself into something so you're numb to the other things can really burn you out :') So I'm trying to find motivation to write and answer asks again, I'm hoping it'll be soon but idk atp
#vent in the tags - so warning ig#got home from uni#have been in fight/flight mode since#turns out that fucking saps your energy incredibly fast#accepting that my mother and I's relationship is broken beyond any repair is oddly helping though#she's proven that she doesn't see me as an individual well and truly now#so I can put the energy back into myself instead which is meh#processing that alongside my insanely fucked up grief hasn't been fun at all.#my emotions about it have been out of wack since she saw me crying and grieving a friend and assumed it was anger towards her#like I'm fucking grieving a friend I found out has recently died - do you think I'm not going to cry?#but no just assume its me being angry towards you and not me having feelings. Sure. *fine* I'll just kill my ability to feel for a bit#so I threw myself into the lu fandom again till burn out#and now I've been on off crying for a week#feeling fragile as shit#but Improving#somehow#I think#*maybe*#don't know what other personal event could happen now to be worse honestly#last 8 months have been a fucking rollercoaster#then when I manage to get back up#put myself back together#have a little breather#get immediatly broken back down#I just want a fucking hug man#and perhaps to be told that I'm worth something#I don't know#nothing really feels all that good to me anymore#but I'm holding on through it#there's light at the end of the tunnel
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☆ Nathaniel Wilson ☆
I Really Like Nathaniel because the guy embodies Hope and Positivity without forcing it down the gullets of everyone around him.
He looks like he'd be a pleasant individual to actually be around at 7 am. Even before his coffee. [ Sera should be too, she doesn't seem like an unbearable person to be around in La Matinée ( the Morning ) . But still, she is alot grumpier than her other half. ]
With that said. Insert Happy music here. Nujabes or Smth.
Submitted by @mettamorphoses!
Love the way you drew Nate here! such a clean style and serious face :> He's my favorite little quadfocal guy... friendly, polite, and a good conversationalist! You're absolutely right, he's one of the easiest people to get along with. It's almost like he knows exactly what to say to people.
Sera isn't grumpy so much as she is disinterested and dismissive. She heads to work without bothering to make small talk besides a basic "Hello." if she passes you by. Not the worst outcome, really, if silence doesn't bother you.
#submission#yeah. i'm in Tags too. wassup witchu#Aight but seriously i wonder how literally anyone would be like at 7 am.#Deva's tags start here =>#If he's home for the day he will always be a good conversationalist and offer breakfast or coffee on a morning#This is literally so cool#queued post#As for people at 7 am...#Sera is up by 4 AM unless Nate doesn't have work. By 7 she has already had breakfast and gotten ready to work on her projects.#If you catch her it is likely after she returns from a morning flight. She'll be civil but it can easily come off the wrong way. aw.#Nate takes a lot of long shifts that stretch into the night. Due to this he and Sera have very contrasting schedules.#If you see him in the morning it is usually only because of the weekend or whatever other days he takes off. He is a very tired guy#Vincent has a very erratic schedule and he is always out and about doing things that fancy him#He is also a HEAVY sleeper. Nothing can really wake him except for a very specific noise#Said sound makes him wake up in a horrendous mood. Most mornings are thankfully safe from this sort of temper.#It is hard to say what new bizarre thing he will get himself into next. Like doomcrying while hidden on the roof of a religious congregatio#Sonia is not up by 7 AM without a good reason to be. She is down at the kitchen in a bathrobe by 9 to eat some breakfast.#Which made her the unknowing first victim of Vincent's newly founded pyramid scheme#Amon is a late riser since he is still used to his old schedule from his time at the Ricciardi mafia. Sleeps late? wakes late!#If it's a weekday he will always be up at 6 AM regardless of the amount he slept to take Adra to school.#Eric tends to wake up early but often gets caught up in personal projects. He loves music and editing his tracks but it really eats his tim#So Eric will be going to sleep at 4 and see Sera making herself coffee whilst Nate is also coming home from work and crashing on the couch.#Not even Amon heads in that late. Maybe Vincent does though. If he's “Traversing the night.” Like he says he does.#Vince can't see very well at night anymore. And the sun is almost blinding now. But it's nothing to an immortal like him! ha! bow before hi
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my mom is leaving for a trip tomorrow and it’s stressing me out so bad
#she’ll be gone for a week and a half#and i just. i hate staying alone with my dad#it rarely happens and it’s usually not for this long#and i hate when anyone i know gets on a flight already and she’s having a layover too#and i’m so on edge bc of school and my mom has been the only person i could really talk to about it#and by the time she’s back i should have everything finished but i just really don’t want her to leave#esp bc staying with my dad means i have to do everything myself#which is fine like i’ve stayed home alone before but doing everything yourself bc there’s nobody around to help#and doing so when your dad does close to nothing and gets constantly mad about everything#is just. not the same#god i’ve been crying multiple times a day every day for like a week now#and nothing is getting solved and even when it seems i’m one step closer to putting all of this behind another problem appears out of nowher#and i don’t think i can stand this for much longer#whatever. save me życie na kredycie#📓
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good morning gay people in my phone
#last night was. well it was a night!#drove home to pick up my bf and on the way back we get a call from his friend and he was Not Doing Well#so we ended up picking him up and taking him to the hospital. which im scared for him for bc if hes admitted idk how hes gonna#react + the bills... i dont even wanna think about it#anyway we heard from him this morning and we can still visit today/however long hes there so thats good. can u bring stuff into hospitals?#i havent been in a minute and they ignite my fight or flight tbh. not the best in hospitals but fuck it we ball especially for friends#anyway good morning! love you and please Please remember somebody loves you and cares about you so if ur Going Thru It#thiknk of them think of me think of the future and how it can and will get better. i promise <3#talk tag
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so close...freedom is Right There....
#the good news is this exam is actually only SIXteen hours over two days instead of seventeen like I'd thought#the bad news is that it's split 7 and 9 hours instead of 8 and 8 and the second day starts an hour later#which would be fine except I also have to catch a flight#was hoping to be able to stop by home on the way back and pack but I might have to pack...in advance (shudder)#OH SHOOT I FORGOT THE BIOSTAT REVIEW#I KNEW IT I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING I MEANT TO DO TODAY#man this is what you get for spending the first four hours of the day in bed doing nothing#(that is a lie. I was catching up on belated femslash feb stuff)#(but still Nothing Productive)#cannot wait to be done and on the other side of this good lord#imagine actually being able to DO THINGS AGAIN#I know the creativity will not magically turn on like a faucet as soon as this passes but. one can dream.#Cheese's personal molasses#SO many fleeting ideas and SO little power of execution#(except my execution tomorrow ;'D)#hm. should probably go to sleep#but I don't want tomorrow to start yet#okay NOTES TO SELF:#WATCH THE BIOSTAT VIDEOS#cases cases cases cases cases#some mcq if you really want but mostly cases#pack...I guess......#how expensive would it be to briefly rent a trumpet vs. checking in a bag
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#other ppl: youll be fine! u r passionate abt what u do#no u dont understand. its not passion. im being consumed. im being devoured whole and alive.#its out of control and its killing me#stop trying to tell me im good. i can assure u its a problem and i want it to fucking stop. whats the point of being successful if u cant#even fucking breathe?#this has been my weekend in purgatory for some reason. but fuck u i got the fucking application 98% done so im gonna read it over tomorrow#when my brain doesnt feel like its gonna explode and thrn send it to the dude and idk see wtf he has to say about it bc im positive i#overwrote it bc im unhinged. whatever tomorrow im gonna spend another 4hr transfering algae#if i can. turns out ive given myself a headache and now i cannot sleep lmao#lol i wrote all that yesterday night. it appears i was having a bad time. and i continue to have a bad time bc my manuscript is 98% ready#for submission but i leave at 7.20 tomorrow morning for my flight and wont be home until 7pm in this time zone at the very least#which means ill have to fucking wait all day to submit i guess unless i use plane wifi or something. fucking idk#i also havent sent the application in yet and i havent bought any Christmas presents bc my brain is splitting into a million pieces#its 10 pm now. will is sleep tonight? who's to say i still have work to do on this fucking manuscript#at least my coauthor thinks itll only get sent back with minor revisions so it must look pretty ok#part of it is just me bitching abt inconsistent methods across papers bc it annoys me but also i dont give a fuck#i will fucking psychically control ppl to read this paper and use its knowledge bc the way they talk abt the topic annoys me so much#which is additionally annoying bc like i said i dont give a fuck#anyway im procrastinating#unrelated#my parents texting me today: yay we r excited to see u 🤗#and im just laying on the floor eminating a demonic aura
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gosh dangit mother fuckers
#i havent been home in almost 3 weeks and i have traveresed the entire west coast practically as well as the majority of the pacific ocean#i was supposed to be on a plane home today but they canceled my flight bc the atmospheric river coming in which tight#except i was staying on a very leaky boat the last few nights waiting for my flight and now#i am in a room to weather the storm thanks to my extremely amazing beau#but i forgot things#very necessary things#for being stuck in a motel room for two days w nowhere to go#back on the boat#which is 20min away#its not storming yet i can go i can so do it yknow but also??#i soent two nights on a storming boat and i am SO TIRED#the fact that i forgot my ear buds and my kindle which were the promise to get me thru this imprisonment of stasis idk m8#idk yknow#my brain is so slow#when its sleepy#and now i have to go when i just got into this nice bed that is so soft and warm and not even a little damp from the ceiling
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#forgive me#i am about to complain#i am feeling hormonal and emotional#and i am still not over the fact that my bil & sil are so readily willing to take advantage of my fil's generosity#i don't know why i can't let this go!!!#i think it's the double standard#my inlaws (fil and his wife and my mil) just fucking let my bil & sil take advantage of them#and hold everyone hostage (including my partner) with the threat of withholding their presence!#it's like#they will not come to visit unless someone else foots the bill#my bil will not come visit (even when he has unlimited vacation) unless my sil also can (even though she has very limited vacation)#my bil didn't even come back home when my fil had 2 (TWO) heart attacks in june last year!!!#he just expected my partner to deal with it (which he did bc my fil's wife is garbage in stressful sitations-which fair ig)#it's just infuriating#i am so annoyed#i am so mad that not only did they not care about seeing my kid as a newborn until my fil offered to pay for flights#but that they now want to make the visit prioitize seeing my sil's grandparents before my kid!!!#like girl! you didn't want to see your own fuckijg grandparents until someone else was willing to pay for it!!#and you want to do it before seeing your brand new niece!!!#aaargh!#like i don't usually like or want to be the center of attention (for instance when my partner and i got married#our ceremony was literally just our parents and we tried hard not make a big deal about it bc my bil & sil's wedding earlier that year#was expensive and stressful for everyone (they made the whole family travel cross country for it and my mil paid for a lot of it)#and we didnt want to do that to them!)#but i do want my kid to be the center of attention!! she's going to be a brand new person and a new addition to the family!#and i want everyone to fawn over her! i feel like you deserve that when you're a brand new baby!!#and i am so annoyed that this celebration of her birth is going to get derailed by my sil being upset that her grandparents are dying!#like i get it! loss is very hard and i really feel for her! but i want this visit to be about my baby#and not her fucking guilt over choosing not to visit them AT ALL over the past 5 years!!#ok ok ok im done
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what if u wanted to go see lovejoy at a music festival but god said LAST MINUTE FINANCIAL COMPLICATIONS
#kills self#malware.meows#all my shit already payed for except the ubers to and from + shippin my stuff from my job home#I HAD TO PAY FOR A DIFFERENT FLIGHT BECAUSE THE FLIGHT I PAID FOR ALREADY ACTUALLY WOULDNT ARRIVE UNTIL 5PM ON THE DAY OF THE FESTIVAL#im actually gonna kms <== lying. he'll live with it.#i have 100 dollars in my bank account.#which is only enough to pay for the hotel when i get there.#no ubers no drinks no food#am i rlly gonna walk 4 hrs to the venue? and then do fucking nothing until lovejoy performs? then walk 4 hours back to the hotel?#i might as well kill myself#praying i can get some cash if i take some of my shit to a pawn shop tomorrow while im in town with a coworker
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talking about impenetrable accents/dialect just reminded me. when I was in Milan a couple of years back I was staying in this little rathole hotel and I had the biggest fucking migraine, so I was like non c'è problema I'll just go buy painkillers. of course every pharmacy on the map in a three block radius was closed, so my stupid ass just starts wandering around trying to figure out on the fly if you can get OTC from supermarkets in italy.
I walk into this little everything store (to my foreign eyes the kind of place that back home could sell you a bunch of carrots, a 6-pack of beer, pantyhose, bleach and a screwdriver set) and I see some household basics in the back but not what I need. with the confidence of a person who is only in the city for 3 days because he got bored and packed a bag and booked the cheapest flight available the week before (<= MENTAL ILLNESS), I was like no worries I know some italian, I can just ask.
I grab a bottle of water, walk up to the counter, and I'm like Ciao, hai il paracetamolo? And the guy is like che, and I'm like paracetamolo. Per la mia testa. And he's like che?
This is where I would have said 'aspirina' except I can't take aspirin for medical reasons, or 'antidolorifico' except I don't know that word and I've got no phone data for google translate and also I'm stupid. So in my fucked up leith-glasgow-italian accent I'm like paaa-ra-cetta-mollll-ooo. He's like ohhh bene, bene, and he calls another guy out of the back and asks him to go get something. Other guy then walks out of the store into the street, and before I can be like hey, che la fuck, he comes back and hands me a huge bundle of herbs.
At this point I'm like okay this entire interaction has been a bust, but these guys have been very nice and patient and they're both smiling happily at me because they've been of service, so I'm like ahh perfetto, grazie, pay them a couple of euros and leave.
EVENTUALLY I find a pharmacy that's open, and my head is fucking killing me, and my phone still isn't connecting, and now I have this small shrubbery poking out of my coat pocket, so I don't even bother looking around the shelves. I just walk straight to the counter and I'm like uhh ciao, scusi. And hearing my nightmare of an accent the guy answers in english and I'm like thank christ, do you please have paracetamol. Not aspirin, I can't take aspirin. And he's like yeah yeah hold on, goes into the back, comes out with what I need.
Only when he comes out he gives me this look, and then he starts laughing. And then he pretends he's not laughing and rings me up and I pay, and as I'm leaving I can see him losing it. But I don't care, my head is going to explode, I'm going back to the rathole to close the blinds and fall comatose for four hours.
When I get back to my hotel room I take off my coat and remember the huge bouquet of herbs in my pocket. They smell amazing, and I'm like I'm pretty sure this is parsley in which case I can just get some tomatoes and mozzarella later and make it work. but since I have no idea what that interaction was, I want to make sure. I bring out my phone to get a visual reference of what parsley leaves look like, and because I was using it for google translate earlier I put 'parsley' in the wrong box like a dope and translate it to italian.
prezzemolo
I wish I could have been the pharmacist in the moment he looked at my tired pissed off anglophone ass, heard me say 'paracetamol' in my fucked up accent, and turned around saw what was in my pocket. I'd have lost my shit too.
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my mom: wow i thought you'd be fully unpacked already!
me, an adhd: well. i have a very narrow window of time every day where i have the motivation to do anything. and every time i go to do something somehow i end up with eight more things to do.
#liveblogging life#also im very comfortable living in a mess so i dont have enough motivation to get everything cleared out lmao#mostly it's that on top of unpacking my own stuff i also bought a bunch of furniture and home stuff#so like. i have to unpack that and put it together and get the boxes out of my place and so on#like most of my stuff is unpacked it's really just organizing it all (boring) and getting rid of boxes/bags of garbage (boring)#so it's hard to motivate myself to do it if it's not really affecting my day to day... which its not#that said i REALLY have to finish getting the last of my shit out of my car lol#i still have most of my final load in there bc it's so annoying to have to carry it upstairs#i also have SO MUCH cardboard in my house right now. so many boxes it's unreal i want them all gone#but i have to carry it all down three flights to my recycling bin and it's so annoying#i finished my bathroom/linen closet and finally fixed most of my work/writing desk#also finally got a couch that can actually fit in my door lmao and set that up so i can finally use my living room#i think i'm getting there but for sure it will probably be at least another week before im fully unpacked
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Thinking about it, it's not that I was lonely or anything growing up. I had a lot of friends and people I had fun with and talked to a bunch, but due to the way I was brought up, I wasn't able to really deepen and nurture those friendships. It's something that's impacted me to this day and at one point in my life, I became aware that some friends were not as close as I told myself they were except one particular moment, this wasn't because they did anything shitty (and that shitty thing wasn't done out of malice or intent), but it's that thing when you're young and you call everyone your close friends and you grow up and you realize lol, no they're just friends! And that's okay!).
And then I learned to see relationships I had with people very objectively (for the most part! I'm only human) which helped me be a more balanced adult and why I don't particularly get upset that certain friendships fade. That's just part of life, and when you're an adult, it's even harder to maintain a certain intensity and intimacy in friendships and a certain amount of interaction. I don't know if this is weird to say, but I think that's why I get taken aback and it means a lot to me when I have to recalibrate my perspective on a relationship because a good friend actually values what we have more than I expected.
Obviously, this is uncomfortable and bemusing when you know for a fact that their perspective isn't accurate and they're implying there's an intimacy there that in fact isn't, but when it's someone you care about and they level up the friendship like that...I'm not explaining things right. It hasn't happened much tbh even if I obviously had and have friends who have appreciated and celebrated our friendships and that means a lot too, that you know where you stand and you never have to question it, but there are some friendships where you realize oh...I mean a lot to this person. Oh, this is how much I mean to them or they like me this much?
#this probably makes zero sense because i'm writing this stream of consciousness style without editing lol#it's not that i don't care for friendships that i realize aren't that deep#because there are friends whom you have fun with and friends whom you do certain things with. work/school friends. social friends etc.#i really like people! and care about people! but i'm also aware of where we stand#and i respect that. this makes me sound like i'm a neutral distant observer lol#although sometimes this does get in the way of developing relationships further#and i'm not infallible. i still want more from relationships that i like that maybe i'll get too#but yeah. sometimes a friend drives all the way to your house to drop off a letter#before you go on a flight to live in another country for a while#even though that friend was ''objectively'' speaking someone you can categorize#as a school friend because we never hung out outside of school#and you last saw them at graduation and they're out of your life#but they decide they'd write you a plane letter and hand deliver it to you despite never dropping by before#instead of emailing/dming/snail mailing it#sometimes a classmate invites you to his house and it's supposed to be for a school thing#but then you end up talking for hours so that his parents come home and it's almost time for dinner#and your mom keeps calling your phone because of that and he says something that makes you realize#whoa. i didn't know you understood and appreciated me like that. you SEE me#and then instead of saying bye he'd walk you home and then we didn't shut up then#a friend who let you crash at her place which was super gracious#but hey we were college kids! except then she mentioned she wished you stayed longer#and she wished she could take you on a road trip into the beautiful irish countryside to show you her home#and do that all for you and i think of all the opportunities i lost#and opportunities that were interrupted and i think what if because i don't have opportunities like that anymore#i am both glad that i'm able to not feel hurt about overinvesting in relationships#and frustrated at how i get in my own way because you got to take the leap!#instead of letting things be where they stand. ANYWAY feeling grateful for those who#took a leap with me and went beyond sometimes without realizing what they did was bigger than they knew
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so my younger cousin is flying in to visit from brazil on sunday, and will be staying here for like, the entirety of july. which, don't get me wrong, is super cool! i love the kid! but it felt like a super weird move, considering his parents are the SUPER strict and borderline helicopter parents. even the smallest prank/roughousing with him/his little sister would lead to a strict talking to from his parents, he couldn't ever do anything without their clear permission, that sort of stuff. so letting him fly at alone at 16 to a whole different country and stay there for a whole month seemed WILDLY out of character. additionally, it just felt like a super last-minute trip. it's not like we have any plans to do when he gets here, and the flight itself and stuff only got booked like, midway through june.
and i was talking to my mom about it, kind of trying to nudge some answers out of her, and after a while she went, "yeah, i think they're sending him over here to get away for his boyfriend. see if the distance breaks them off." which, first of all, surprised me because last i checked, they didn't KNOW he had a boyfriend. literally everyone in the family did EXCEPT for them because while that entire side of the family being semi-conservative, his parents (mostly his dad) are EXTREMELY old-fashioned. so clearly something already went wrong. and considering the only reason the rest of the family knew is because one person found out and it spread like wildfire, i have a sneaking suspicion he wasn't the one to tell them, either.
and second of all. they're sending him HERE. to try to make him forget his homosexuality. i couldn't do anything but just wordlessly gesture to the multiple pride flags scattered around my room, then to myself, because really? he has like two other cousins in the us and they're sending him to me? honey i am about to introduce this kid to queer scenes you have never even heard of. he'll be returning home with labels only shrimp can perceive
#icarus speaks#i fully believe she's correct btw#they are. not the brightest people. and honestly probably believe this is something that could work#cause i can see the logic of get him away and hopefully he'll realize it's a phase. which is Likely what they think#but oh honey you have a big storm coming#side note this is the SECOND time someone's been outed without permission on that side of the family 😭#bitches learned of my transgenderism SO quickly#also even if that's NOT why they sent him here. i will still be rocking his world#they have given me Infinite Power and i will use it to make this kid's life as queer as physically possible
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As soon as I get home I am never leaving my house again.
#im having a horrible morning :D#I've been staying with my brother the past few days for guilt reasons and as nice as he and his girlfriend are this house is#my own personal hell. In the area that im staying everything is cold and damp (including the toiletpaper) and I think ive been rubbing mold#on my face because my towel wont dry. I cant go two inches without seeing or accidentally stepping on a bug and theres dirt and debris#literally everywhere. There are so many goddamn stairs. I tried to actually make something to eat today that was more substantial and more#effort than like a fistful of goldfiah crackers. The knife I had seemed very dull. My noodles are probably undercooked because I don't#understand the stovetop. When I tried to pour my soup out of the pot the shape of it made it so half the liquid in there just poured#straight onto the stove. All of the chairs in this province are so goddamn uncomfortable. I am miserable as I knew I would be#and I want to go home. I miss my cat and my ability to create a semi-sterile environment. My flight (which is itself a horrible stressor an#impending miserable experience + I had to spend $350 for a flight I don't want to be on to get home from a trip I didnt want to go on)#isnt until Monday and its only Wednesday today. I already always feel like Im seeing bugs and like theyre crawling on me.#I cannot live somewhere where thats actually *true*. I'm also constantly being unsubtly judged for using a mobility aid and any time I talk#to my mom she doesnt listen to literally anything I say and theres so much goddamn noise in this house and I dont wanna say anything to my#brother because thats *rude* and *ungrateful* but the only texture I can stand in this place is the tiny couch I have to curl up but keep#vigilant on because not even that is safe from bugs!!! And all of the counters are sticky!!! And they made me get expensive groceries that#I cant make myself use! I'm in a sensory and emotional nightmare and in constant physical pain! And then people get upset with me for being#miserable to be around! What the fuck do they want me to do!?!?#anyways.#ghostprince posts#vent#delete later#I want to go home.#update: I took like two bites of my food and immediately became nauseous. I've also become convinced there's bugs in there. Great.
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