#my emotions about it have been out of wack since she saw me crying and grieving a friend and assumed it was anger towards her

[wayfayrr]

I hope life eases up soon man, take care of yourself

Thanks mate <3

stuff's starting to gradually get better now, actually let myself feel feelings after bottling them till it popped

just kinda turns out that throwing yourself into something so you're numb to the other things can really burn you out :') So I'm trying to find motivation to write and answer asks again, I'm hoping it'll be soon but idk atp

[ronnie-azumane]

Rebound

Kuroo Tetsurou x female reader 18+

NSFW, IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18, PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT

Warning: mentions of breakup, cunnilingus, 1 photo taken (nature of which is slightly nonconsensual), aftercare

A/N: So, uhh, these past few months have been wack in regards to my love life. I went from breaking off an almost 2-year long distance relationship, to proclaiming that I’m gonna have a hoe phase on Tinder, to actually meeting a guy who I actually like (who knew I would have a successful Tinder relationship?!?!)…….. soooooooo

ALSO-- this is my first (serious) smut I've ever written. Please be kind.

ALSO ALSO-- if this gets enough love, I might make this concept into a full-blown fic

You did everything right. You made time for him. You gave him gifts. You sent him both a good morning and a goodnight text every day. You fulfilled his needs, even when it didn't necessarily benefit you.

Or so you thought.

If you didn't answer that butt-dial from him and heard the pants and moans coming from his end, you would have lived happily in ignorant bliss. If you didn't go to check on him to see if he was ok, you wouldn't be in the predicament you found yourself in currently.

Now you find yourself, wrapped in blankets, crying on his neighbor's couch.

Your boyfriend would always complain about his next door neighbor Tetsurou Kuroo, how he would be the reason your boyfriend got in trouble with loud music and smoking with the landlord. However, despite your boyfriend's hatred of him, you grew close to the rooster head, becoming proper friends and not the girl who apologizes after every night she gets a little loud. He didn't approve of this friendship, but there wasn't much he could do about it.

Now that he's your ex, there is absolutely nothing he could do about it.

"So you walked in and saw him banging his coworker?" Tetsurou asked, placing a glass of cold water into your hand. Your body shook as you lifted the glass up to your lips to take a sip. You then set the glass down on the side table.

"Yes, and it was the one he told me not to worry about." you stuttered. You didn't care much for that coworker. She always seemed to weasel her way into your relationship. Date nights were cut short by her calling your [now ex] boyfriend to help her with a problem. He always seemed to be texting or calling her, and when you would ask why, he would just say 'work' and close his phone so you couldn't see. You would express your concern, but he would assure you that he only had eyes for you.

What bullshit.

Your wails of agony have since subsided to small sniffles. Your breathing was still rapid and without control, but for the most part you were calming down.

Then your phone went off, sounding a text tone that you had specifically saved for your now ex boyfriend.

As you reach for your phone, Tetsurou grabs a hold of it.

"Gimmie that," you whine.

"Password," Tetsurou demands.

"W-what? I'm not just gonna give-"

"Password!" Tetsurou demands even louder. Sighing, you tell him your password and he unlocks your phone. He reads over the text your ex sent you, talking about how you didn't know the whole story and scoffs. He taps on your phone a bit and gently tosses it on the couch cushion next to you as she sits himself down.

"Blocked him for you. He was going on about how you don't know the whole story and that this was the first and only time he messed up. Newsflash, I'm his neighbor, and the girl he has been with the last few weeks definitely wasn't you."

"Oh," you sniffle. So your suspicions were correct. This had been going on for quite a bit. "If you knew, why didn't you tell me earlier?" you asked Tetsurou.

"Well, honestly, I just put the pieces together this morning," Tetsurou replies. The walls are thin, so he could hear every gasp and moan that happened on the other side. He figured it was you, since you were his girlfriend after all. He would just turn on a show and watch it to tune out the love making on the other side of the wall. However, when he didn't receive the usual sorry note under the door that you would write, he knew something was up. The amount of times he would have to turn on his show wasn't going down, but the amount of the little notes he received was.

"You know, I don't think he ever loved me," you say, turning away from Tetsurou. "I honestly think he only liked the idea of me." The waterworks started to flow again.

"I tried so hard, you know? I know he didn't treat me the best, but I stuck with it because I thought he truly loved me," you sob into your hands. You smash your palms into your eyes as you cry out, as if you are trying to stop the tears coming out of your eyes. But they don't stop. If anything, they start to flow out faster.

"What did I do wrong?"

As soon as that question escaped your lips, Tetsurou pulled you into his lap and pressed you head against his chest. You cried even harder, balling his tear-soaked t-shirt in your clenched fists. He ran his nails across your scalp, lightly scratching it in an attempt to calm you down. Usually you would tell him to stop so as to not mess up your hair, but hair was the last thing on your mind at the moment. His other hand was rubbing your back, grounding you from the emotions racking your body at the moment.

"You did nothing wrong," he whispered over and over again in your ear, repeating until you calmed back down. He reached across from you and grabbed the glass of cold water and placed you off of his lap.

"Please drink up, I think you cried half of your water weight in the past 30 minutes alone," he joked, earning a small giggle from you. "I hate to leave you alone, but I'm going to change real fast and get you some bubble tea from that place down the street you like. Sound like a plan?" He asked, earning a nod from you.

With that, he stood up and left to go change and get some tea. You sat back on the couch and watched the door close shut. Now you were alone.

You had been in his apartment a couple times before, but now you were truly looking around at his décor. He didn't have much hanging on his walls, but he had a few pictures here and there. One was of his old volleyball team from high school. He stood in the middle with his red number 1 jersey sticking out for all to see that he was the captain.

Another picture he had on the wall was a picture of a small girl in his arms. After recalling a couple of conversations the two of you had, you remembered that he did have an older sister who had a daughter of her own. His niece.

Her short black hair was sticking up into two little pigtails, each decorated with a small pink bow. Her fluffy pink dress contrasted beautifully with the black dress shirt Tetsurou was wearing. Both of their smiles reached their ears.

He looked pretty good.

You sit there thinking, realizing only now that Tetsurou, the 'nasty neighbor' of your ex boyfriend, your friend, was pretty attractive. How come he didn't have a girlfriend of his own? Did he maybe swing the other way? You shook that thought out of your head when you remembered the stories he would tell of his high school sweetheart.

What happened to her?

While you're lost in thought, you don't hear the front door opening up.

"Here!" Tetsurou shouts, scaring the living daylights out of you. In one hand he's holding two cups of tea with the little tapioca balls at the bottom, and in the other are two straws. You sigh in relief as he sits down next to you, handing you your tea and straw.

"Tetsurou, what ever happened to that girl you dated in high school?" you ask as you stab the straw through the plastic.

"Oh, Alisa? It wasn't too brutal. Our futures were going in different directions and we just fell out of love," he shrugged as you sipped some tea and a few balls of tapioca.

The silence is deafening. Every time you glance at him, you shutter. 'How did I not see how hot he is earlier?' you scold to yourself.

The longer you look at him, the more you get worked up. Your eyes travel downwards to his neck. His Adams apple is sticking out, not too much, but just the perfect amount. They continue downward to his arms, which are framed beautifully by the cotton t-shirt he's wearing. His veins twist across his muscular arm and down to his hands.

Oh god his hands! The roughness of the veins popping out contrast with the smooth, even coloring of his skin. light callouses dot his palms, but for the most part, his hands are soft. perfect for caressing-

Not paying attention, you start to choke on a tapioca pearl. Coughing and wheezing, and with a little help from Tetsurou, you get it out of your windpipe. You pull the straw a little higher to avoid any more tapioca at the moment to catch your breath.

"You alright?" Tetsurou asks, and you nod a little too frantically. He squints his eyes and stares at you for a little bit, seeking confirmation that you're actually ok and not lying to him. Pursing your lips together in a sort-of smile, he takes that as the confirmation he needs and moves back to his drink.

The way he sips on the straw, how his soft, supple lips form around the straw and suck. The way the tea he's drinking dribbles down his chin just a little bit. The way he moves his thumb over his chin to wipe it up.

It shouldn't be getting you this worked up.

"So, is there anything you want to do now?" Tetsurou asked, reaching for the remote as if to imply that they should watch something on the TV. The way his arm flexes as he reaches across you.

You can't take it anymore.

"I want you to fuck me!" you blurt. As soon as the words left your lips, your hands shot up to cover your mouth.

Now it is his turn to choke on his tea. He drops the remote and it breaks apart on the wooden floor. Your hands migrate from your mouth to cover your face. This has to be the most embarrassing moment in your life.

"W-what?" Tetsurou asked, finally catching his breath. You keep your hands on your face, as if they are glued in place. The last thing you want is to look at him, much less in the eye.

"Ju-just ignore what I said! It's not important!" you frantically wave your hands around, hoping maybe they can help you fly away from the current situation.

Alas, you are merely human, and must suffer through the consequences of your actions.

Frantically, you shoot up from your seat, mumbling a string of farewells as you walk toward the door. However, you do not make it far, as you find your hand encapsulated in Tetsurou's as he yanks you back onto your spot on the couch.

"You can't just leave after saying something like that," Tetsurou mumbles. His ears are burning bright red while his cheeks are dusting a soft pink.

"Don't worry about it, I'll just download tinder and relive my frustrations there," you stutter, trying to stand up. However, under Tetsurou's grip and stare, your attempts are rendered futile. Fully realizing the situation, you sigh and throw your head back against the back of the couch.

"Fine," you mumble, blushing, "sorry for making you uncomfortable, I definitely did not mean to say that out loud."

Silence.

Unsure of what to do, you start to explain yourself.

"I'm just so frustrated, and I just wanted to... you know... get him back, like an eye for an eye type of deal," yo ramble on.

Tetsurou dropped his head into the palms of his hands, nodding his head left and right.

"And while you were gone, I kinda realized how attractive you were and i-"

"I never said I wouldn't, did I?" Tetsurou asked, not lifting his face out of his hands.

With that statement, the air is sucked out of your lungs. Your heart beats faster in your chest, while simultaneously wrapping itself tight within your body.

"No, uh, you don't have t-"

""Honestly, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to... for a while now," Tetsurou admitted, "So I'll do it, my only rule being that we won't go all the way today."

You press your fists into your plush thighs. "Why not? You literally just admitted that you were attracted to me," you ask.

"Because I don't want to give myself false hope."

"Why would fucking give y-" you tried to ask before Tetsurou interrupted your interruption.

"You just broke up with your long time boyfriend, a messy break-up I may add. Your emotions are all over the place. I really like you, (y/n), I just don't want to be your rebound. I want to be with you because you truly like me, not to get back at your shitty ex next door." He let out, like a breath held underwater.

"Oh," you whisper. He made a great point. What were your intentions right now? Was this all a ploy to get revenge on your ex? Did you actually like Tetsurou that way?

Did it really matter?

"So what?" you ask, stunning Tetsurou into silence.

Tetsurou swallows the lump in his throat and asks you to clarify.

"Well, there is a mutual attraction, and we both clearly want this, why don't we just go for it and see what happens?" you ask.

The pause is long and silent. Tetsurou’s eyes were looking everywhere but at you. Did he actually want this? Yes, but in this way? He took a glance in your direction and saw you still staring down at your tea, swiveling the ice around in circles.

You were definitely a sight for sore eyes in Tetsurou’s ever so humble opinion. The way your face was tinted the slightest red color made his heart melt. He would never forgive his neighbor for what he did to you, making your larger than life personality look small and meek.

Overwhelmed with feelings of both attraction and adoration, he simply couldn’t help himself. He promised himself he wouldn’t do this, but after all this time of him secretly crushing on her from a distance, he just couldn’t hold out anymore.

He grabbed your face and turned it toward him, crashing his lips onto yours.

The kiss became more feverish as the seconds passed. A simple peck turned into moments of locking lips, trying to taste each other.

His lips were thin, however soft, with the slight sting of mint chapstick tingling your tongue. You decided to take initiative and slipped your tongue out to taste his bottom lip. He took the signal and included his tongue in the dance, the two muscles stroking together as he grasped the hair on the back of your head and pulled you closer.

As the make-out session continued, the two of you started to position yourselves on the couch; you lying against the armrest and him balancing himself on top of you. Once in this position, his hands started to wander across your body.

Every curve of yours was not left without attention. His hands traveled from behind your head to your chest, from your chest to down your stomach, from your stomach to your thighs, and finally spread your thighs apart to gain access to your covered core, where you wanted to feel his hands the most.

His kisses started trailing south to the crook of your neck, moving from kissing to sucking as he started to rub your clothed slit. An airy gasp escaped your lips, enjoying all the sensations you were feeling at the moment. Once he was satisfied by the purple bruise left just above your collarbone, he started to sit up, causing you to whine from the loss of contact.

Your whining soon stopped however when you noticed him grabbing at your shorts, working to pull them down. As he started to pull down, your breath got caught in your throat, causing it to be held in. Flinging your shorts and panties behind him, he gently kissed your thigh and asked, “Do you still want this, you seem a little tense?”

“Yes!” you gasp a little too fast. His breath was so warm against your wet pussy, teasing you to the point of no return.

“Ok, you have to let me know if you get too overwhelmed or want to stop at any point,” he says before diving down. You are about to acknowledge him until a heavy gasp escapes your lips before you can give your confirmation.

Tetsurou didn’t hesitate going down on you. He simply couldn’t wait any longer. Simply pumping his fist wasn’t doing it for him anymore.

He started to kiss, flick, and suck at your clit, making you breathe harder with the rising pleasure. His movements were soft and light, but they were shaking your very core. He grabbed your thighs and placed them over his shoulders, giving him more access.

His movement was simple, something you could easily replicate with your fingers and maybe a quality toy, but that didn’t change how it was working on you. Your heavy breaths turned into soft whimpers as the pleasure began to bubble up.

You were progressing nicely, but Kuroo didn’t think it was progressing fast enough. To remedy his frustrations, he rubbed his fingers against your wetness, slicking it up to start thrusting into you.

The anticipation of his fingers slipping into you made your whimpers louder. He switched up his mouth to sucking your clit between his teeth and flicked it with his tongue and slowly inserted a finger. He pressed the pad of his finger against the ceiling and started to thrust in and out, rubbing against the entirety of your g-spot softly.

This new sensation had you bucking your hips and bubbling over with pleasure, pretty much ripping the orgasm out of you. Tetsurou smiled as you rode out your orgasm, moaning and whimpering small vowel sounds.

The orgasm was nice, but Tetsurou knows you can be louder, he's definitely heard you get louder at least.

Before you can fully recover from your high, his lips reattach to your clit and insert two fingers into you. The moan that escaped your lips was loud and almost pornographic. He smirked, knowing your shit ex next store most likely heard it.

Although, he knew that the fun this round was only just beginning.

Instead of thrusting his fingers in and out, he started to press his fingers up against you, as if he was motioning for you to come here.

The new motion of his fingers mixed with his lips sucking and tongue flicking at your clit was causing you to sprint to the edge way too fast. You couldn’t hold back your moans by control alone, so you bit the back of your hand in an attempt to suppress the noise.

Tetsurou was having none of that today. Using his other hand, he rips your arm away from you, silently implying that he wants to hear how loud you were being.

You try to ground yourself by grasping the armrest behind you, although that doesn’t do much to stop yourself from the orgasm that's rising far too quickly.

Your moans are getting louder and louder as you get closer and closer. Tetsurou has you teetering on the edge as his movement gets faster and faster. Soon your coil snaps and you find yourself cumming harder than you ever have before.

You thrash your head side to side as your hips buck up toward his fingers. He removes his lips and fingers and starts to quickly rub his fingers back and forth on your clit as you ride out your orgasm, extending the peak longer than what you're used to.

As you start to once again come down from your high, you hear soft chuckling coming from Tetsurou. You look up to find his shirt soaking wet.

“Di-did i-i do that?” You ask, afraid of the answer.

“If you’re referring to the squirting, yes, you just did. Hard,” Kuroo smirks, causing your already flushed face to burst even more red in embarrassment. Instinctively, you hide your face behind your hands, as if you could magically disappear if you couldn’t see him.

“Pretty hot,” he mutters to himself before beginning to suckle on your inner thigh, allowing you to completely come down before going back at it. Beyond your blissful sighs, Tetsurou heard your phone buzzing in the background.

Blocked Number.

An evil smirk came to his face as a sinister idea popped into his mind. While you were blissfully unaware of your phone buzzing, Tetsurou opened your phone and unblocked your ex, just to see if he was reacting to the pretty sounds you were making.

And reacted, he did.

Countless messages flooded your phone after Tetsurou unblocked his number, with messages ranging from ‘come back, let’s talk baby,’ to ‘you better not be with Kuroo right now.’ The final message read, “I know that’s you at Kuroo’s apartment, you fucking bitch.”

“Tetsurou, what are you doing?” you ask, finally in grip with reality.

“Just giving your ex a bit of a show,” he replied, diving right back in.

Breathlessly, you grasp his bed head, trying to get a grip on your once again slipping reality. In the heat of the moment, he pushed your thighs down to each side, revealing your flushed pussy. While flicking his tongue on your clit once again, he snapped a selfie. In the frame was his face, smirking with his tongue out flicking your clit. To make the picture even better, your manicured hands were in view, gripping his hair in pleasure.

Perfect for a porn twitter account.

Tetsurou typed out ‘your loss, pal,’ and sent the text, blocked your ex’s number once again, and tossed your phone to the side, getting back to work, soon bringing you to your third and final orgasm.

After cleaning you up and bringing you a glass of water, Tetsurou snuggled up to you under a cozy blanket. As your endorphins went down, the pure dread of what your ex did came back.

“What’s wrong, (Y/N), do you regret what we did?” Tetsurou asked, the expression of pure concern expressed on his face.

“No, I’m just angry about this whole thing! Three years gone!” you shutter, trying to hold back tears. Tetsurou held you tighter.

“He doesn’t deserve you,” he whispered, brushing your hair out of your face.

For the next ten minutes, you were crying into his chest as he rubbed you back and whispered soothing words.

As you calm down and sip your water, Tetsurou breaks the silence saying, “We need to talk about what just happened and what we are.”

You don’t reply, instead, you stare off to the side past Tetsurou’s shoulder.

“I kinda like you, but I’m not sure,” you meekly reply.

“Understandable. I want you to sleep on the idea of us. After you think of it, I want you to call me. Then we can get dinner.”

Space is what she needs, and space is what Tetsurou is willing to give her.

“Sounds great, but can I stay a little longer?” you ask, nuzzling seemingly closer into his warmth.

“Stay as long as you need, sweetie.”

[atinymonster]

[KINGDOM: LEGENDARY WAR] episode five

ateez 9th member.

when i say i streamed their performance way too much for it to be considered healthy—

➴ taglist: @banhmi07, @jiyeons-closet, @jaeminpeachy, @mochibabycakes

➴ masterlist

“okay, let’s go!” hongjoong hyped them up when they were announced as the next group to perform

taking a deep breath in and letting it out, she felt a lot of pressure for this performance since they all loved and respected iKON ever since they were trainees

now to be able to meet and even perform one of their songs in front of them? 

When it was first announced to them that iKON would be one of the groups participating in Kingdom, all eight of their eyes sparkled with excitement at the thought of meeting one of their favorite idol groups. 

She learned that San had actually went to iKON’s concert with his mom, and that in high school, Seonghwa actually performed one of their songs with his friends. 

“There’s a video of it, actually,” Jiyu remembered, bursting out into giggles when she saw the older’s eyes start shaking at the mention of the video.

“I did Rhythem Ta for one of my monthly evaluations,” Jiyu added when she remembered a dance evaluation she had back in SM. 

San’s eyes lit up. “Oh? Me, too!” he exclaimed, reaching over to give her a high-five. 

while getting her makeup retouched and her mic on, wooyoung handed her the gun prop

“remember our training” he joked

“psh, what training, it was you and the ‘99 line cornering me and shooting me out,” she playfully smacked his arm

Having chosen Rhythem Ta as their song, Hongjoong had recreated the song with them theme from a drama series called Money Heist. To get them into the “action” mood, they decided to have an outing that also served as a “training” session.

“You know, this wasn’t what I had in mind when you said we should go training,” Jiyu chuckled when she saw where Wooyoung had taken them to.

Laser tagging.

During the game, she swore they all forgot at some point that they were here to get in the feel for their performance since they were all having so much fun. But she couldn’t blame them, she was the same. 

“This isn’t fair!” she whined as she ran away from the 99z who were trying to corner her. Eventually, San was the one to shoot her out. 

“standby!”

they all started together this time in a car so it made her a little less nervous compared to if they were all spread out

she ended up sitting across from yunho, and when it started, she playfully nudged his leg with her’s 

(he softly smiled before nudging it back) 🥺

please, when the car “crashed”, she literally felt herself getting tossed around—

barely managed to slip her mask on in time with a second to spare

sauntered out of the car with the gun over her shoulder and pretended to shoot the dancers 

that action alone caused an uproar in the waiting rooms

(but sunwoo personally felt that)

whenever she wasn’t in a certain shot, she would silently cheer for them while following the camera man

but the duality after—

went from a baby cheering for her members to cocky real quick when she had to be in front of the camera

she was once again the center of the last dance break and when jongho finished his first high note, he moved so the camera was on her

she twirled both of her pigtails with an innocent looking smile before it quickly changed back to the cocky and charismatic expression

“this is the same girl that couldn’t look me in the eye when she bumped into us backstage and wished us good luck” (bobby)

“she’s the youngest one out of everyone on this show!” (literally everyone in BTOB)

she definitely got wacked with a chain here and there but luckily she managed to keep her face safe

gave the camera her famous smirk before it panned over to hongjoong’s last scene

everyone was just really blown away from how she manages to go from “kingdom’s baby” to “kingdom’s demon” in the span of five minutes

“It’s kind of scary how she manages to change her personality so quick,” Felix commented. “We’ve been friends for a while, but it surprises me every single time.”

“I’m kind of scared of her now,” Eunkwang joked, pretending to rub his goosebump covered arms, “Is this how idols are like now?”

Even New had something to comment about her. “We sometimes see their stages whenever our schedules overlap, but this is the first time for us to be seeing her like this.”

once the camera’s were off, she immediately reverted back to her old, smiley self and thanked the camera crew for their hard work

“now let’s relax and enjoy the other performances” hongjoong said

jiyu didn’t have to be told twice

biggest melodys seonghwa and jiyu appeared!

she felt like she just witnessed a BTOB concert

please when minhyuk ripped off his shirt—

she’s never seen the boys move so fast to try and cover her eyes

“stay loyal baby monster!!” (wooyoung)

“that’s slander, who do you take me for?!”

but then seeing Stray Kids performance made her a little emotional

she didn’t really know why but she started to tear up

it scared the boys since she was jamming out to the performances one second, now she was crying—

she has her reasons for crying, don’t judge her :((

but she managed to fix herself up before they had to go to the ranking announcements

she felt immense pressure from sitting there and waiting for the results

could they manage to keep their place?

when she saw their group name at the top for the expert evaluation again, she swore she was seeing things

it wasn’t until yunho held onto her hand out of relief that it sunk in

then when they managed to still remain first after combining the group votes, she was so happy

(but she saw how disappointed sunwoo was so she surprised him with a flurry of hugs and little kisses backstage before she had to leave for their next schedule) 🥺

atinys after the episode were convinced she had joined the demon line with san

her on universe that same night: “hehe hello my beautiful atiny! ☺️”

hongjoong wasn’t kidding at the press conference when he said jiyu still had a lot to show 

[butteraway]

when time runs out | ii

⋆ summary:  A young girl has fallen deeply ill with an unknown disease in her, so with all her free time spent in an empty hospital room, she spends it online playing video games. That's until she meets her cousins friends, one spiking her interest with his extremely vulgare language.

pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader

word count: 2.1k

warnings: small mentions of suicide (I’ll put a star ‘⋆’ on top and below the paragraph so you can skip over it if your uncomfortable, you won’t miss anything too important so dont worry!)

"Bro, honestly I still can't believe that you of all people made it into the elite, number one hero school in the country."

"Waahh, I'm telling you! I'm the real deal Y/N!"

"So, how's your summer been? School's gonna be starting soon, are you excited?" Denki could only smile and sigh as his character was finally killed off.

Said girl chuckled as she heard Denki's voice rise through her headphones as they continued killing zombies in front of them. She grimaced as a zombie attacked her from behind her character. Geez, I never get a break in this game.

"Well, to be honest, nothing big really happened besides me getting my acceptance letter from U.A. Just me training and hanging with the fam." He laid back in the comfort of his bed, headphones still on in order to hear his cousin.

"Aah, already training, hero boy? That's why you haven't been visiting me lately." Y/N pouted and crossed her arms as her TV screen turned black, returning her to the main page of the game.

"Man, we suck at this game!" Denki laughed out loud as he saw how long they lasted in the last round. Y/N smiled and let out a small giggle of her own as she placed down her controller.

"Yeah, how long have we had this game for? It still feels like it's our first time playing this." Denki cracked a smile, even though Y/N couldn't see him.

"Hey, sorry for not being able to come to the hospital. Getting ready for U.A. is no joke, haha." Denki rubbed the nape of his neck, eyebrows scrunching up with regret. 

"Nah nah, it's fine! I understand that you have things to do. You have big plans for the future." Y/N brushed a strand of her hair away from her face, looking down at the needles that were plunged into her arms. Her eyes were clouded with an emotion she often felt when talking with Denki. She always felt guilty whenever the feeling came around.

"Must be nice to be able to achieve your dreams." Jealousy. She hated the feeling she got every now and then, but you couldn't really blame her. She lost everything in only a couple of months. Silence passed between the two teenagers, Y/N finally realizing what she said.

"Uh s-sorry about that! I didn't mean to say that alou-" Y/N was cut off by Denki's soft voice.

"Y/N, it's... okay to feel like that. I don't understand what you have been going through, but I know that you shouldn't bring yourself down for something you can't control. You're such an amazing person and to be honest. . ." Denki paused as Y/N's eyes began to glaze over.

"I'm doing this for me and you. You always encouraged me to take any opportunity by, as you like to say, the neck. I-I wanna make you proud, y'know? I wanna make it feel like you're a part of this crazy world, even if you're not really here, walking with me through it all."

Y/N’s lips wobbled as she let out a watery laugh. She hunched over, small tears falling down her face. To someone else, this would've boosted their ego, but to Y/N, those words meant the world to her. No one had ever said that to her before. She felt like she had a purpose in this wretched life of hers. She sniffles were heard by Denki

"H-hey! It's okay, p-please don't cry!" Y/N heard shuffling coming from Denki as he reassured her to not cry.

"I mean it. I only wish you could be there though, it would be so much cooler!" Denki smiled, trying to lighten up the mood. Y/N's sniffles slowly quieted down as she let out a soft laugh that made his heart swell with joy. At least he can make her laugh.

"I'm s-sorry, but no one has ever told me t-that." Small hiccups came from the girl as she calmed down, taking deep breaths to slow her heart rate. Won't want doctors to come rushing in just to see her crying over something so small.

⋆

"I-I'm just really happy you said that." Denki's heart clenched at those words, his chin trembling every now and then. He knew that Y/N wasn't happy with where she was. She had even admitted that she had urges to rip out the needles and slowly lose her life from there. Denki spent the rest of that night talking to her after. To say he was concerned was an understatement. He was terrified when she told him.

⋆

"I think us being able to play games together is already enough!" They both laughed and talked for a couple of minutes before deciding to to hang up. 

"Y/N, I mean it when I say I want you to be happy, okay? I hope you feel better tomorrow. Buh-bye!" Y/N said her goodbye to Denki, hanging up and closing the laptop that sat on a movable table. 

Her smile slowly left her face, leaving her staring blankly at the pure white wall and mirror in front of her. When visitors were gone, her window would turn to a mirror so no one would disturb her. Y/N took a good look at herself and only sighed. Despite being as healthy as she could get, she looked a bit on the thin side, this complimenting her skin. Running a hand through her hair, she untangled the little knots that had formed there.

"Geez, what happened to you girl? You look like a zombie." Y/N looked at the zombie game and cringed.

"Literally."  Just then the door to her room opened and shut quickly, the air filter turning on when a female doctor entered. Y/N watched her carefully as she checked the IV that connected to her arm. The protective suit never made Y/N feel better about her condition.

"Are you alright, Ms. L/N?" The light, stern voice rang through her ears as she looked at the woman in front of her. Y/N gave the doctor a grin.

"Never been better."

It had been an hour since the doctors had turned the lights off, but Y/N didn't feel the slightest bit of exhaustion. She had been sitting in the pitch black room for the time being and was really debating on turning on the TV.

"Ahh, fudge it." Instinctively reaching out for the remote, she turned on the TV and winced as the bright light hit her.

Looking back to the screen, she chose the option of going online and waited for other players to join. While waiting, a new character popped up next to her and she could only smirk at their username. Tapping on her mic, she decided to make conversation with them to see if they also had a mic.

"Now, what to play. What to play..." Y/N had settled for playing OverWatch since she didn't feel like playing any story type games. No cliffhangers tonight, Y/N thought. As the game loaded, she laid back and began thinking about cheesecake. When was the last I ate strawberry cheesecake? Great, now I want some. Thinking about eating cheesecake made her excited about the next day.

"Well hello, dear ol' '​​​​​King Explosion Murder_1.' Nice name you got there." Y/N chuckled as she said the name out loud, seeing another player enter.

"Hello 'Tape Dispenser?' What's with the wack name?" The girl’s eyes crinkled as she smiled at their name, hearing the user chuckle through her headphones. '​​​​​​King Explosion Murder' still had yet to reply, but that didn't bother her. They're either using the bathroom or don't have a mic. 

"The name was inspired by my quirk. But what's up with '_DeathGirl_', huh? You good?"  Y/N could only laugh at what he said. She should really send him a friend request.

"I’m honestly great, a little tired, but great! I just gotta make up a name, y'know? But your quirk has to do with tape? I don't know if that's wicked or useless." The boy laughed while Y/N laughed as well, losing her grip on her controller. That was until a gruff voice interrupted their laughing session.

"Shut the fuck up, your annoying ass voices are giving me a damn headache." Finally, after being silent, 'King Explosion Murder_1' spoke up.

"Aah, so you do talk. I don't know why you didn't say anything sooner Mr. Explosion Murder." The other player could only sneer at what she said, hitting his desk with his fist. Another player had joined, Y/N only noticing.

"Ah, hello 'Sleep Deprived Controller!'" Said player made their character wave, making Y/N chuckle. While they had their interaction, 'King Explosion Murder' was shouting at her, now realizing that she wasn't paying attention to what he was saying.

"Hey! Listen to me when I'm fucking talking to you, emo bitch!" Y/N’s eyes widened, soon rolling her eyes, watching the game load as they were placed into a match. What's his damn problem?

"Hey man, no need to go calling people names now." 'Tape Dispenser' nervously chuckled as he heard the other player growl. Y/N sported a shocked face as she heard this. What is he, a dog??? 

"Outta this conversation, extra!" Tape dude could only deadpan at what he was just called. Who calls people extras?? I’m not an extra, in fact I think I’m- 'Sleep Deprived Controller' listened with an annoyed expression on their face, wishing they could shut their shouting teammate up. Damn, wish I actually had a mic.

The game began as all the players separated, going their own way to kill their enemies. Everyone was in the zone, getting items and yelping every now and then if they were attacked. The first to go down was 'Tape Dispenser', then 'Sleep Deprived Controller', leaving both Y/N and 'King Explosion Murder' left on their team. Y/N smirked at their winning team, only one player was left on the other team. Just as the game was going to end, the opposing player shot down 'Explosion Murder', killing him.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" His mic cut off, causing the two players with mics in a cackling mess. Y/N calmed down, remembering she was still playing, trying to hunt down the last player. Finally, after many curses by a certain player and cheering from another, she located her enemy. 

"You better fucking win this or I'll kill you." Knowing he didn't mean that last part, she only focused on the first part. You better win this. Those words echoed through her head as she stopped aiming for the player. She hated being told what to do.

"Ah, so you're one of those people." Not knowing what she meant, they only watched with wide eyes at what she did. Y/N jumped down next to the enemy, shooting them twice with her weakest gun, signaling them that she was there. Quickly, the other player shot her character down, killing her. They lost the game.

"THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?! WE COULD'VE FUCKING WON!" Explosion Murder wasn't taking defeat easily like the other two were. Y/N could only give a grunt of disapproval towards the loud player.

"Ha, why did you just give up right there? You could've easily killed him." Tape Dispenser was just as confused as the other two players, slightly disappointed at the loss. Y/N sighed as she rubbed her forehead.

"Sorry not sorry, but this dude really thought he could get away with telling me what to do. I'll make my move when I'm ready, sorry to disappoint you guys." She sighed as she rubbed her neck, ready to hear the disapprovals of her teammate. But what she heard and saw made her smile.

"Nah, it's fine. It can get a tiny bit annoying with Murder yelling in your ear." Tape Dispenser reassured her, with Sleep Deprived's character giving her a thumbs up. Though, the annoyed sigh caught her attention back to him. Her eyebrow twitched. What is it now?

"I'm done with this fucking sappy shit scene. I'm out." Those were Murder's last words before he disconnected, leaving them in an awkward silence before Y/N stifled a giggle.

"I have a feeling that won't be the last time I'm seeing him." Tape Dispenser chuckled while Sleep Deprived's character shook their head, making Y/N softly laugh. After sending friend requests to both people, she bid them both fair well and left.

Y/N turned off her console and tv, putting the controllers on the table near her. She laid down in the comfort of her bed, thinking about her interactions with the people she met. She smiled, closing her eyes and drifting into a dreamless slumber with only one thought in mind. 

King Explosion Murder is such a weird name.

[unlikelyempathpruneauthor]

Biology doesn't matter, love does

BAU!Reader x spencer

Summary: So this is kinda like Link and Amelia situations from greys. Where the reader thought she was early in her pregnancy but then was told some news and Spencer and her go through some stuff but in the end fluff, haha lol

a/n: again this is me watching greys and criminal minds way too much haha. Hope you enjoy this drama filled Criminal minds tic.

As you and Spence walked into the bullpen you just spoke out your lovely thoughts. I mean it was a pretty wack thought since you are far in your pregnancy and well, you knew Spencer would either freak out, or for a change laugh, but you knew that puppy dog eyed genius, he would worry.  The thought was going to jump out of nowhere, so you felt it was best to just speak about it.

“How late is too late to get an ultrasound.” you asked Spencer as he just processed what you said. “Wait what?” he said as you nodded and walked along as he kept the same expression when you reached the others. “Well there's the answer to my question.” you said arriving at your desk and having morgan overhear your conversation.

“Question to what baby mama?” morgan said. “Nothing.” you said sitting on your chair.

“You haven't gotten an ultrasound?!” Spencer finally broke as he got his cell phone out and Morgan just looked at you in shock with a laugh.

“Woah baby mama, you haven't gotten an ultrasound?” he said as you placed your hand on your head regretting ever speaking your thoughts.

Honestly the only reason you didn't get it was one, you were a pretty busy woman, and well, to be honest it never crossed your mind. I know i know, that sounds horrible, but i mean you weren't really trained for this part of your job, as a human being. But then again you lacked common sense when it came to motherhood. As you were working on your paper work from passed cases, Spencer was still on the phone, with whoever he was talking to.

“Okay yes, thank you so much, goodbye.” Spencer said after a while as he smiled at you.

“I made you an appointment, so you have to go alright?” he said as you gave him a half smile.

“I will go, as long as you go with me?” you asked as you made him blush.

“That I can agree to, it's today at lunch…” he said as you baffled.

“What.. I just wanted to take a nap, but I guess I could nap while I wait.” you said as spence just shook his head playfully, enjoying the way the hormones had taken over his girlfriends body. As lunch hit, you made sure to tell hotch about your whereabouts and headed over to Spencer who was waiting for you at his car.

“You were serious about this huh?” you asked as he nodded slightly.

“Well yeah i mean i should be worried about them and i'm surprised you didn't mention this before, you tell me everything, like that one time you got a mosquito bite.” he said as you giggled.

“Well, I needed to know i wasn't going to die, and my boyfriend happens to be somewhat of a genius, so i had to ask you, and I'm going now, aren't I?” you said as he smiled and nodded.

Becoming a mother was a surprise for you and Spence, you two had just started dating and you had told him you wanted to take things slow. Now here you are having a baby with your boyfriend of 5 months. Yeah 5 months. Your relationship was pretty slow, I mean you two have been friends for years but you didn't know you would be falling for one another, but when Spencer had admitted his feelings to you it was unreal, but you knew that was your chance to tell him how you felt as well. As your name was called you walked into the room and got set up so the OB could check you up and ask questions, you know the usual. She was showing you guys the side profile of your kid. To Spencer this was a moment of new beginning, I mean he's having a baby with a girl he's always loved, and well he couldn't be more happy. You were over the moon when you told Spencer, at first you were a little scared, but once Spencer knew he had been there for you through everything, and you were grateful for that.

“Do you want to find out the gender?” the OB asked as you two looked at one another.

“What do you think?” Spencer asked as you were thinking, and you knew the suspense was killing him so you wanted to find out.

“We should find out.” you said as he nodded with a smile as the OB did her searching and smiled.

“Well this is a healthy baby girl.” she said as you two looked at one another in excitement about having a girl, you two didn't really mind at all what the gender was but the team knew whatever the baby is, they will be so smart they'll be in college by the time they get to kindergarten.

The OB wanted to look some more to see how far developed you were and you let her do her job, but then you being a profiler saw the way she flipped back and forth and seeing very closely the developments of your baby.

“You said you're 20 weeks?” she asked looking back at you as you nodded quite confused.

“Yeah I am.” you said as Spencer held your hand and you looked back at him with a smile.

“Well you seem to be 24 weeks.” she said as your eyebrows knitted.

“Uh are you-are you sure?” you asked as she nodded and you knew she wouldn't lie, she spent years studying this type of stuff.

“Yeah you are.” she said leaving you with a couple thoughts.

“Oh god.” you said as Spencer looked at you in quite confusion.

You were thinking back to everything, i mean you and your ex were having sex near the end of your marriage, but was it that possible that he was the father? He never wanted kids though, so how could that even be possible. As you sat on the car seat in silence, Spencer had parked the car in the office parking lot and looked at you wondering what the “oh god” was.

“Is everything okay?” he asked as you were brought back into reality facing Spencer.

“Yeah everything is fine, why?” you asked about covering up your lie.

“Well you were surprised at how far you are, is that something bad?” he asked as you shook your head.

“No that's a good thing, it's just that, it's starting to feel real.” you said as he nodded and held your hand.

“Hey don't worry about it, i know you're going to be amazing.” he said as you smiled.

You both had got out of the car and ended up getting called into a case. you were still okay to travel, so you went along with the team just not out in the field, beside going to the coroners to check on the dead victims. This case was a little too much, I mean the unsub was targeting pregnant women or women who were trying to conceive so you were strictly told by hotch to stay inside at all times and to not be alone when going outside.

During this case you had been avoiding spencer, but you knew this secret of yours had to come out somehow and some way. As were looking at one of the victims, jj had joined you, she had also noticed a slight change in attitude.

“Hey, what have you got?” she asked as you were looking very closely at the victim.

“I mean beside the obvious attempts at a c-section and failure to keep the baby alive, i would have to say this is overkill. Same with the other women who were trying to conceive, genitalia was brutally stabbed.” you said as she gave you a half smile.

“Jj why are you smiling.” you asked goofy as she shook her head.

“No nothing, it's just well one, you are looking at women who were brutally killed and two I want to know if everythings alright?” she asked as you sighed.

“Well for one i am scared and two I am pregnant and I have no idea who the father is.” you said bluntly as she reacted with shock.

You had explained to her that you and your ex had sex before your divorce, as a last harrah, and well a month later you had started dating spencer and lets just say things got hot, and now you were stuck with the unknown father of your child.

“Have you told him?” she asked as you shook your head and started to cry.

“No..i haven't, i'm scared.” you said as she had given you a hug.

“Look Spencer is reasonable, he will understand,” she said as you nodded.

As you left the coroner's office you had seen Spencer with his bulletin boards marking up maps. Hotch had asked everyone to take a break once you got in and Spencer looked for you hoping you would talk to him.

“Hey do you wanna grab lunch?” he asked as you nodded and followed him to a conference room that was full of files as he brought pizza and a couple of drinks. You giggled at the sight of your boyfriend who would literally die to take care of you, but the thought that he might not be the father broke you. “I have to tell you something.” you said as he looked up at you wondering what this was about. “What is it?” he asked as he scrunched his nose.

“You might not be the father.” you said as silence grew thicker than fog. You knew he would either be mad or just something related to mad. You understood if he was going to be mad because you were scared and well emotions were allowed.

“What do you mean “might not be”?” he said, breaking the silence as you saw his emotion turn to sad. “My ex, Dan...we had some, you know, before we got a divorce.” you said as he nodded.

“And you're not sure who the dad is?” he asked as you nodded, very shameful. “Yeah, and I want you to know that no test is gonna change the way I feel about you. I love you so much. Biology to me doesn't matter.” you said with tears running down as you wiped them off as he sighed wanting to weigh in. “To me it does y/n i want to know. Dan was in your life once, you don't think he would want to be in your life again, if he knows you're pregnant with his kid?” he said as you nodded. “Those feelings for dan are long gone, that doesn't mean i want him to be in my life if its his, i want us to move on together.” you said as he just stayed lisent.

You got up leaving him and getting back to case, and giving Spencer some space. You felt really shameful, it hurt Spencer seeing you like this, not knowing what to do, but he needed time to think about this.

...

As you sat looking through more files the next day and figuring out why this unsub was doing this, your little genius was kicking as you groaned a little. You placed your hand on your belly trying to calm her down a little.

“So now you're trying to help me huh.” you spoke to her as she kicked some more.

“Okay okay, tell me why this unsub is getting at pregnant women, or women who are trying to get pregnant.” you said as she kicked some more but that didn't really get you an answer.

As you sat your brain was clicking some more connecting all the pieces like a puzzle and you got it. “Oh my gosh.” you said getting to the conference room where everyone was waddling your way there. “Get garcia on the phone.” you said out of breath as morgan called her and you sat down from your little run that seemed like a mile run.

“Hello, what can I do for you?” she asked as her usual perky self. “I need you to cross check these names of the victims in fertility clinics, and make sure all these women went there sometime last week or this week.” you said as morgan raised his eyebrows at how out of breath you were.

“Did you run over here?” hotch asked as you nodded.

“Yes I did, and little miss genius kinda helped out.” you said as you calmed down as garcia did her magic.

Your team had gotten so close, but there was something missing, you had redone your     profile, but something struck you. So you raised your hand so weirdly.

“What's up y/n?” Rossi asked as you looked at what you did, it was a habit you had in the academy. “Uh sorry, but have we considered that the unsub might be women?” you said as they looked rougly at the evidence on how the unsub left the victims.

“I really doubt that.” spencer said as you nodded and the rest of the team was left shocked at what had just happened.

“Well I mean they look like they are left in funeral-like positions and style of clothing, almost like the lost of a loved one.” you said as Spencer again spoke.

“Loved ones don't do this to person they love.” he said as you nodded looking down again

“y/n is right, the way these women are dressed neatly and placed in like funeral positions i’d say she's a woman.” hotch said as he sternly looked at Spencer as he nodded.

You were moving on trying to get closer to see who this woman was. I mean you were still pretty far away from that, but you knew you'd get close.

“So we said this might be her mother, but what if she had a significant other and these victims are the meaning of what she couldn't have.” you said as jj agreed.

“That could explain how she stabs the genitalia, could be that she also couldn't have kids either and is showing her version of what it's like.” she said as Spencer jumped in.

“I mean it's kinda unlikely,” Spencer said as you scoffed.

“Can you just trust me for like a minute,” you asked as he rolled his eyes.

“I've been doing that.” he said as the room went silent.

You had redelivered your profile, but there was no active moment of the unsub, so you had to just wait. This was the hard part of it. You knew that if you wait someone would lose their wife and their chance of having a child. You then felt a weird feeling in your belly that was unrecognized, you knew this was not normal so you just stood there trying to feel what this feeling was. You groaned some more, getting the attention of rossi.

“Hey you alright?” he asked as you shook your head.

“I'm not sure, it's a weird feeling-ah.” you said as he walked you out to take you to the hospital to make sure you and the baby were alright. You were hoping this was normal. A middle aged women had come in to check you out. She had smiled at you looking at your belly. Rossi was in the room with you and he thought it was weird how she looked at your belly then at you, but he stayed quiet.

“Okay so what you are experiencing is braxton hicks, which is normal.” she said as you nodded.

“Oh okay, how soon can i get out of here.” you asked as she checked.

“In a little i just need to make sure this is correct before you leave.” she said as you nodded.

After she left rossi and you were talking about the encounter and had penelope look her up to see if she was a possible suspect. As he went out to make that phone call you just started talking to her and while rossi and penelope were talking she found out that she had been doctors for all of the victims, and once that phone call ended. She had walked into your room.

Rossi had started running towards your room making sure she didn't place a hand on you.

She came closer and closer to you and you were getting scared at how close she was to you.

“Is everything okay?” you asked as she nodded.

“Yeah, I just wish I had a baby.” she said as you half smiled.

“I'm so sorry about that,” you said hoping she would calm down.

“Yeah you are, but you don't deserve a child.” she said as she grabbed you but once she did rossi was behind her with security. They had surrounded her making sure she had no weapons on her and they took her away and you sat in relief. You were able to get dressed and walk out of the hospital and met up with Rossi in the car.

“You alright?” he asked with a hug. He was kinda a father to you so this was normal. “Yeah i'm alright, i'm thankful you were there.” you said as he smiled. “How bambina?” he asked as you placed your hands on your belly. “She's fine, kinda scared, but she's a badass.” you said with a laugh.

“I'm not the type to mingle, but you know Spencer will love you no matter what right? Even if you do the paternity test.” he said as you nodded. “I know rossi, but i did do the paternity test,” you said as his eyes grew wide. “Good news or bad?” he asked as you smiled happily.

“Good.” you said as he smiled taking you back to the pd where everyone was waiting for you two.

They all asked how you were doing and you just told them it was a false alarm and it was a normal thing that happened in the pregnancy. So you all started packing and took off home.

As you got to your apartment, you had sat on your couch resting your legs. You were starting to take a nap until there was a knock at the door. You got up to open only to reveal Spencer with a sorry look, you smiled that he had shown up.

“I'm sorry, I don't care if she's not mine, I care that you and her are healthy and are in my life. I love you so much, both of you, and I don't want to force myself to be alone, when I have you two in my life.” he said as you opened the door for him to come in.

“I mean today you seemed to express the way you feel.” you said as he shook his head again.

“I know It took me a while to come around, but i wanna spend this life happy with the both of you, even if im not her father.” he said as your eyes spilled tears. He had gotten close to you and wiped your tears away.

“Thank you for this, but I did the test and I got the results.” you said as his eyes started to water too.

“She's yours spence.” you said showing him the results as he read it and he was smiling and he took you in his embrace at what he just heard.

“She's mine.” he said with tears in his eyes and a happy smile.

“Yeah she is.” you said as he got down to your belly kissing it as you played with his hair.

With this happy news you and spencer were over the moon. Even if she wasn't his he knew he would love and be there for her no matter what as long as he had you and your little bean.

[whatevenistheoutdoors]

just ignore this

Im not sure how to go about this. Ive been having a lot on my mind but I dont really want to tweet it and go crazy. So since no one i know uses tumblr anymore or even know my account i thought it would be safer here. Im currently going through a break up and its been pretty hard and blindsiding. Like some days i wake up super confident and others I literally just want to cry and key his car. I guess its just hard to hear that your boyfriend not only kissed someone else, but is quesitoning his whole life. Like how could he think that he doesnt see a future with me. Like the audacity of thinking that i am not good enough for him. are you kidding me?!?!?!?  You are the one with all the red flags. I am the one actually actively self improving. I was the one that helped u get your resume updated. I was the one that made u a linkedin. I deserve better. But at the same time im so fucking angry. Like how can he hurt me like that. How could he hurt someone he so call loved for years and just end it on a “gut feeling”?  God u dont love me anymore on a gut feeling. Sick. Cool. thats nice. Maybe you need some damn probiotics bc your gut health is out of wack. 

All u do is sit on your ass and blame yourself with no actual effort. Like how can a man judge me for being on the fence about having a kid in the future when im 21 and he cant even wake up from a fucking alarm. like are you joking?????

Last night I think I saw a girl go to his apartment. I like to think that she went to a different unit on his floor but I just had that “gut feeling” it was for him. That really fucking broke me. Like i knew he would come around pretty quickly again bc he lacks emotional maturity to deal w what he fucking did. But god a week after we broke up. U have to be a real sociopath to do that shit. how dare you.

I just want things to go back to how they were. I was so fucking happy. We were happy. I dont understand whats going on. Gaslighting, lovebombing, idk what fucking word to call this but I think he just invented a new one. I just miss him but how could i give myself to a man that has caused me so much heartbreak. I dont want to see him with someone else. It so fucked up 

[sweetness47]

Heartache

Pairing Alpha!Dean x Omega!Reader

Warnings: none really, fluff, angst, amnesia, mention of argument, ABO stuff, pregnant reader

Her head was pounding as her eyes fluttered open, sunlight momentarily blinding her. Autumn leaves crunched beneath her body and hands as she struggled to sit up. That’s when she realized she was completely naked. What the hell? The pounding in her skull continued, crippling her, not allowing her to stand. It was unbearable.

She curled into a ball, fighting the waves of dizziness and nausea that plagued her. Trying to stand up had been a serious mistake. She gingerly lifted her head to look around, hoping she could find her clothing, or at least some clue as to why she was out here. But every movement brought more nausea.

She groaned, feeling gently with her hand to see what kind of damage had her so immobile. Her fingertips came across a large goose egg, sticky from blood, at the back of her head. What had happened, she couldn’t say, at this point she didn’t even know her name. Thinking hurt, moving hurt. If she didn’t get to help soon, she would probably die here.

“YN!” a voice echoed in the distance. She turned, wincing as dry heaves threatened her fragile state. If she could get their attention, maybe they could help. Assuming, of course, that whoever was out here wasn’t a deranged serial killer. The voice sounded worried though, like he was concerned for the woman he was looking for. So…maybe…

“Please! Help!” she managed to cry out, trying to stay as still as possible to avoid the retching again.

She heard movement and prayed it was the help she needed. Strong arms wrapped her in a blanket and picked her up with a gentleness that gave her hope.

“Easy YN, You’re going to be ok.”

She whimpered as she buried her face into this male, his scent calming her. He was a good person; she could feel it. Wait, did he call her YN? Was that her name?

“You know me?” she croaked. Her throat was dry and hoarse.

“Yeah baby, I know you.” He paused. “You don’t know me?”

She barely managed a shake of her head. “My head, I…”

The man walked faster. “It’s ok sweetheart, I’ll get you home. We’ll get you better.”

“Sam!” he growled as he came to a clearing. A few buildings close together, like a farm, greeted her eyes. Another man, she assumed it was Sam, ran out to greet them, followed by another woman and two more males.

“She needs water, food, and medical attention. She,” he paused, “she can’t remember who I am.”

Sam took YN into his arms. “It’s ok Dean. We got this.”

“Come inside and have something to eat Dean. You’ve been out all night. Pacing and worrying won’t help anything. Let Cas and Sam take a look at her.”

Dean looked over at the woman who’d spoken. “I know mom, but…”

“No buts, c’mon. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Dean sighed. He’d given up arguing with his mother’s sound logic years ago. She wasn’t wrong. Worrying didn’t help anyone. All it did was create anxiety and stress. His mate was in good hands. He trusted Sam and Cas to help her.

Except, in this case, he was worried, his mind playing over scenes from two nights ago, when he and YN had come to blows over some stupid comment he’d made. Usually she didn’t get riled up that easily. His mate was a spitfire. It was one of the things he loved about her. Even as an omega, he admired her courage and tenacity when confronting something she didn’t like, or something that scared her. She stood her ground during pack meetings, and didn’t take shit from anyone. The pack admired her, and admired the Alpha for choosing such a strong mate.

He didn’t choose, it was more like soulmate bonding, but whatever, same thing. Either way, he was one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

He had been talking about an upcoming children’s event they held every spring and fall. Sam, Mary, Cas, and Jack had all been present, and Dean had made a joke about skipping the event entirely, saying something about ‘who needs happy kids anyways?’. He’d made similar jokes before, and it never bothered YN, she knew he was kidding. It’s who he was.

But this time she’d snapped, saying he was heartless, saying that children deserved happiness and how dare he even suggest cancelling the event. Then she’d stormed out of the house. Mary had tried to run after her, but she’d already shifted and was galloping off into the forest, not caring that it was dark and rainy.

She was a strong wolf, there wasn’t much that could scare her honestly, or take her down for that matter. She was above average size, and could easily handle herself in a fight. That wasn’t a concern. But he was worried about the fact that she’d run off at all.

Sam and Cas walked into the kitchen, sitting down as Mary dished them out some food. Dean looked at the two men and pressed for information. “Well? How is she?”

Sam scooped up some eggs and a piece of ham. “She’s resting. She’s had a bag of fluids through IV, and we gave her some medicine to help with the pain.”

Cas looked at Sam, and then to Dean. Dean saw the hidden information in his third in command’s eyes. “What aren’t you telling me.”

Cas cleared his throat. “YN is pregnant. She’s carrying two pups.”

His jaw dropped to the floor.

Suddenly everything made a whole wack load of sense. Heightened emotions, the argument, the hurt in her eyes.

“Fuck! God I feel so damn stupid! I can’t believe I hurt her like that!”

“It’s not your fault Dean. You didn’t know.” Mary came over to console her son. She placed a kiss on his cheek. “She’ll forgive you. Just give her time.”

He snorted. “Yeah, if she even remembers who I am.” He gave his mom a half-hug and walked out the back door.

About an hour later, Charlie, Dean’s best friend since childhood, sought him out at the request of Sam. If anyone could bring Dean out of his mood, it was Charlie. Well, his mate could too, but she wasn’t available.

“Hey Dean, s’up?”

Dean turned to the familiar voice. “Hey Charlie, not much.” He smiled at her before turning back to the lake.

“Then why do you look like you just ordered the death of a thousand panda bears?”

“Because I’m an ass.”

Charlie couldn’t help it. Her laughter echoed through the open fields and across the cool water. “Well, we already knew that. So, that’s not the reason.”

“Ha, ha, ha. Funny.”

She sat down beside him. “Yup. So is this.”

Before Dean could even blink she pushed him off the deck and into the murky water. He came up sputtering and glaring at his friend. “Are you fucking nuts?”

Charlie was laughing so hard, tears were rolling down her cheeks. “You should see the look on your face! God you look like a wet dog!”

“I’m gonna kill you Charles.”

She grimaced at the nickname. “Watch it pretty boy. Gonna have to beat some sense into ya.”

He growled. “Really? You feeling suicidal today?”

“Nope, but you’re depressed, so if you want to go a few rounds, I’m game.”

He climbed up to the deck surface, shaking off his jacket to lay out and dry, followed by his shirt. “Well hotshot, since you dunked me in that cold lake, I have to shift to get warm. So, I guess we’re sparring.”

Charlie went around the other side of the boatshed and removed her clothes to shift, while Dean finished removing his. Bones cracked and readjusted, shifted. Two wolves came around to face each other then, a dark sandy blonde wolf and a red wolf.

Fighting and training was a normal part of pack life. And no one held back strength or tactics. The only rule for pack members was no killing moves. You could pin and force submission, but no death blows or deadly bites.

Sam heard wolves snapping and fighting, and ran to investigate. He and a few others found the two wolves going at each other, and began rooting for their favorite. Everyone knew it was fun, so no one worried about outcomes being bad.

After half an hour, Dean finally pinned his friend, and Charlie submitted defeat. He took his clothes into the shed, while Charlie took hers to the woods behind a tree. Sam sought his brother out, remembering why he’d been looking for him in the first place.

“Dean? YN’s awake.”

Dean peeked out from a stack of canoes. “Does she remember anything?”

Sam shook his head. “No, but she’s asking for you. Not by name, but as the guy who helped her.”

With a sigh, his heart aching, he nodded and followed Sam to the pack med center. YN lay on one of the beds, an IV still in her arm, her head wrapped in white bandages.

Dean walked over to her and sat in a chair by the bed. Sam left the room to give them some privacy.

“Hi.” Her voice small but more upbeat than before, had him looking up. “I wanted to talk to you, and I wanted to thank you.”

Dean took her hand in his, feeling her tense slightly before relaxing. “I’m just glad you’re ok.”

“Who am I?” The question caught him off guard, and he frowned. She tried to reword the question. “Specifically, who am I to you?”

He bit his lower lip, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill. “You’re my mate. Your name is YN. We met about two years ago at the local bar.”

She squeezed his hand. “That explains why I feel safe around you. But why was I in the woods alone?”

Dean ran his hands through his hair. “Because I said something stupid, and hurt your feelings, so you ran off to cool down, except you didn’t return. That’s when we started searching for you. I’ve never felt so terrified in my entire life.”

“Sam and Cas told me about the pups. Did you know?”

He shook his head. “No. But your reaction to my stupid comment makes more sense now. I’m beyond relieved you aren’t seriously injured.”

She brought his hand to her lips and placed a soft kiss on his knuckles. “So am I, and it’s thanks to you. I don’t have my memories back yet, but I’d be grateful to have your assistance in finding them.”

He smiled at her words, and stood to place a kiss on her forehead. “That sounds like a wonderful idea YN. As soon as my brother clears you, I’ll take you on a tour.”

“I think I’m going to like that, a lot.”

“Me too sweetheart, me too.”

@legion1993​ @akshi8278​

[queenjunoking]

Wolf Taming Chapter 28

CW: Noncon - Shock Collar - Pain - Petplay - Drugs - Kidnapping  - Manipulation  

Eos

That little bitch drugged her.

I wasn’t sure what she used so I couldn’t even bring her out of it. Who knew how long Callidora would be out of it. Then she just had to go the extra mile and break the collar. I wasn’t going to use it, I wanted it as a prize. I’d hang it on my wall. But whatever. I’d let her keep the only thing she had left that gave her any connections to her previous pet. She had the cage and pet bed and all those other things. But it was the collar that inspired that little sneak to snipe Callidora from under me. Just hours before I tried putting in my request that fuck up of a filly put in her own. Z had done little more than piss me off since the second I laid eyes on her.

I watched the countryside fly by as I was driven back home. A hour and a half drive back to the farm. I had tried to get Z a home closer by so I could keep a closer eye on her. But the stupid filly never did what she was supposed too. 

I looked very extensively into her because she was fairly fascinating. A history of being a runaway, at one point vanishing for an entire year before she was found. She got into college on some scholarships, she was apparently smart but began to suffer from the stress.

The stupid jade should have been thankful for getting a purpose as lovely as being a filly in my stable. It’s not like she was doing anything but failing out of college. Callidora could have had a future. But Z? No family. No prospects. She had a single friend that she was actively isolating herself from. She was nothing short of the perfect target. If she vanished literally no one would ask about her.

I first saw the runt just walking down the street. I just watched her walk. Her gait was lovely. She would have made such a lovely show pony back then. So slender and sweet. She was so nervous back then. Demure. Mousey even. Her eyes were so bright. She was skittish about being touched, but she would melt if someone showed her even a little kindness. I could only assume that's why she latched onto that friend of hers. 

At the time I was so sure that with a little guidance she would still be the same after her capture. With a little positive reinforcement I was sure she’d want to be a pony. She’d want to please me just to have my attention. I wanted to see what she looked like looking at me with blinders on and a bit gag in. I had already bought her outfit before the failed capture. A lovely red latex outfit that would show her off wonderfully. She seemed to have the perfect temperament for a show pony. You had to have someone who wanted to be a show pony. Hesitation or rebellion made them worthless. It had been years since I had a good one. A show pony was one of the most expensive slaves you could buy because of how rare it was to find the perfect person. Hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I should have just lured her myself, I’m sure if I had just asked her to come with me with some nice words she would have followed me. I was so sure she would have begged to have my lead on her, to be adorn with my emblem. I was never wrong. But I decided to do it by the book. There was no reason to believe that Z would react the way she did, it should have been the easiest job in the world. Grab her off the street. Keep her hidden away for a few hours until she could be picked up. 

But the retrieval team somehow fucked up. 

I desperately wanted to know what happened that night. Only Z and the retrieval team knew and the retrieval team wasn't in any shape to tell us. I told them to handle my show pony as gently as they could. But whatever happened snapped inside of my beautiful Callisto’s head and she turned into… whatever creature she was now. My lovely filly had gone feral and with it all of the adorable nervous charms that would have wowed the judges were replaced by paranoia. Her temperament as a show pony was shattered. 

It’s good the capture team had fallen into comas. If they weren’t I’d have put them in one myself. Those idiots cost me a slave worth easily half a million dollars.

Part of me believed that it was still there somewhere though. Buried deep. I was never wrong, Z was just some twisted version of Callisto. Some annoying defense mechanism. I was sure that if someone just took away her choices and forced her into a submissive position at all her act would just crumble and she’d fall into line. It was so easy it was to get her to call me Mistress Eos before I left.

I had hoped to sweep the sting of her failed capture under the rug when she was ultimately brought in for the “visitor debriefing” after her failed capture. I was sure she would be given the usual choice of imprisonment, breaking or death. But they just had to offer her a membership. Not that she appreciated the honor. Not that she cared. She couldn’t even be bothered renaming herself. No she left it blank because she wanted to go somewhere else.

I thought getting her a job in the Auction House would keep her out of my sight. I went there a lot to sell my ponies, but I didn’t think I’d ever see her. She disliked open spaces. She had no money for housing yet. If I got her a room down there she’d spend all her time going between her room and her work and nowhere else until she had a breakdown over her work. That is until Briar stuck her nose where it didn’t belong. 

Most of the people offered membership in the way she suffered a breakdown if they did breaker work. They didn’t have the mental fortitude for it. Then they could have their membership revoked. If you aren’t strong enough to be a member you’re a slave. Real members like myself didn’t need to worry about such things. Our memberships were safe. Memberships like Z’s could be seen as jokes sometimes. A temporary visitor’s pass into our grand world. But it would eventually be ripped up and you’d join the world in a different way.

But then they gave that nothing a goddamn epithet. One of the biggest honors you can receive! And what did she do to deserve it? Just inflicting fucked up punishments on her victims. So fucking clever. I worked for years to get mine and that urchin got one in months. I wonder if I would have gotten it faster if I just kept filling up ponies with ice water while I kept them sleep deprived for a week?

I had worked so hard to keep her isolated after that. Freaks like Rayne started taking an interest in her. That wouldn’t do. Z didn’t need someone like that around, it would make her problem worse. It would just reinforce that Z was who she was when that obviously wasn’t true. She didn’t really need anyone around. She didn’t really deserve it. Once she got a house it was so much easier to keep her under watch. No one ever came, few people ever talked to her. Just me and occasionally Satori. 

We pulled into the farm. Wild Acres Pony Ranch. Started by my grandmother. Now it all belonged to me. I saw a group of stable hands standing around the vehicle that was carrying my precious Callidora. Jude parted from the group and came to my car and opened the door for me.

She was the only person on the farm aside from Mimi that I trusted to do anything. She was my first purchase I was allowed to make as a real member of the society. That night was quite the celebration. I was recognized as Mistress Eos and to celebrate I went to the loser’s auction. She was the last item up for auction. She was pulled up onto the stage in shame like all the others, disowned by her family for her failure. But, disowned or not, seeing your daughter owned by your direct competitor would probably sting. She was lovely enough. Nothing spectacular about her looks, but she was strong. Grey eyes. Black hair that she had cut short at the time. So eager to please me. I could only assume one thing, she had failed her test on purpose.

She found her purpose in life on my farm. A permanent metal collar around her neck with two equally permanent bracelets around her wrists. All with my emblem on them. My only slave that willing accepted my brand. Displayed proudly on her sternum.

“Good morning Mistress Eos. I’m glad to see you have returned. We’ve set up some options for your new slave based on some ideas you had. Is there anything you’d like us to do right now? We can prepare your new toy right away if you desire.” She held out her hand and helped me out of the car.

“She’s drugged and won’t be in a position to do anything for awhile.” I didn’t hide how pissed off I was. Who knows how long I’d have to wait to start enjoying myself.

Jude and I made our way to the van carrying Callidora. Jude stayed quite and fell into line, unlike some slaves she understood her place. I’m sure her gentle hand would be useful in teaching Callidora how she was expected to act.

There were so few ways to hurt Z. I honestly didn’t think she’d react much to physical violence, her reaction to what Callidora did to her in her backyard made that obvious. Z could handle physical pain. I felt you could tie her down and whip her and she’d have little reaction to it. She didn’t care if she got hurt. You can’t hurt someone who doesn’t care about themself.

No, there were only two ways I found that made her upset. You could dig deep and find some insecurity she was hiding and wack it. She became a petulant child when you did that. Obstinate and angry. It was fun watching her reach the edge of a meltdown just by mentioning Bridget. I couldn’t help but be curious what would happen when she reached the limits of what she was capable of handling emotionally. It probably wouldn’t be a hard limit to hit, just mentioning Bridget was enough to almost send her over the edge. Would she lash out? Break down and cry? Throw a tantrum? It was hard to tell what someone like her would do, she had no idea how to handle her emotions. Maybe she’d just shut down without a way of coping with those feelings. I just wanted to keep pushing those buttons to find out. Maybe a full on meltdown was what was needed to help me shift through the trash that was Z and find what remained of Callisto. But there would be time for that. I could push her buttons in other ways. Ways I ultimately thought would make her so much more upset than what my words could.

I opened the back of the van and looked inside at the slumbering Callidora. This was the second way. Taking something away from her. I’m not sure what Z saw in Callidora. She was strong, sure. She was quite pretty but not my particular definition of beautiful. Z had her choice of slaves and this is who she became enamored with.

“Chain her down and inform me of the very moment she wakes up. I’ll be introducing her to Wild Acres personally. She’s to remain untouched until I say so.”

Callidora was one of the few things she actually cared about. I could hear it in her voice when she talked about her before her capture. I could see how gently she treated her despite the danger.

I could see her heart breaking when I ripped Callidora away from her.

If I couldn’t punish Z for all of her misbehavior I’d punish the only thing she was capable of caring about. It was the only way she’d learn her place.

[pattispunk]

All Alone-ly

Summary: Reader is part of the legends crew. She is from one of the other Earth’s, Earth-5. It’s a post-apocalyptic Earth. Her family is dead, fallen victim to what they called The Culling. A supernatural occurrence that wiped out most of her people – it also happened on her birthday. The Culling devastated the planet, leaving the reader alone and lost with no purpose. This tragedy left the Reader with strange abilities and desire to leave, to get away. It wasn’t until the Legends showed up two years after The Culling happened, that she finally got her chance to do so. With nothing to her name, she joined the Legends crew; helping others avoid having go through the same pain that she goes through daily. She has finally found a purpose, a drive; but no matter how much time passes she still remembers the Day of The Culling. Every year it is burned in her memory, scarred on her body – the Legends never realized that she was absent for one day of the year. Not until three years after they picked her up, five years after it happened. 

Author’s Note: Hey guys, it’s been a while since I wrote anything really including my poetry (which you can find under - wickety-wack-its-jack-Kerouac). Anyways, I’ve had part of this one saved for a while and I needed an outlet so I finished writing it. It was supposed to end up being a mick rory x reader type fic, but this ending just suited it better. Hope you like it! There is one sentence that if you have an active imagination then yeah its hella gruesome. But the rest of the story is good! hopefully…. 

 ______________________________________________________________

You wake up in a cold sweat. Like clockwork every year, your body says no, not today. You toss in your bed, to see the clock read 2:00am in green neon numbers.

Your heard fills with dread. Everyday you walk out the door and put your past exactly where it belongs. You leave it at the door. Someone takes a look your way and no one could tell that you’ve been through heartbreak, through tragedy. You pride yourself in your ability to continue on even though your heart aches with every step you take. But today, today you allow yourself to feel.

You open your door and step out. Silence hangs in the air, a heavy weight crushing your chest as you struggle to breathe. All you’re thinking is I have to get there. I have to go. Right foot. Left foot. Gideon knows the drill, she has been the underlying salvation you’ve needed to get through this day every year. She whispers, (Y/N) you are almost there keep going.

A few more left turns, and all that is left is a door. When you got here, the first anniversary, you had a panic attack as soon as the clock struck two. Gideon directed you to a small room far from curious eyes. The first time you had seen the room, it was simple, the size of a college dorm room here in Earth-1, all gray with soundproof walls and no cameras. Since then, Gideon transformed it. Rather than being a simple panic room, she changed it to a fabricator. With the help of your memories, every year, you can go back. See your home, your family. Happy before The Culling ever happened.

You stare straight at the door, as if looking right through it as Gideon quickly opened it. You take two steps and when the you heard the mechanical lock of the door, you let out a guttural scream. Tears streaming down your face, your scars that run down from your arms to your legs burn with grief, and memories that have been repressed for the year come flooding to your mind. You snap your eyes shut, your voice raw as you drop to your knees. Despair filling your body as you let go any ounce of control you had.

When you finally crack your eyes, you knew Gideon had come through. Your knees sank less than a quarter of an inch. Your palms flat on the sand that blanketed your hometown. You look up and see a little girl with a huge smile, as big and bright as the sun in the sky, running towards you.

You whisper with a smile ruefully tugging at the corners of your lips – “Evine”

 Back on the rest of the ship, hours have past. Everything and everyone have woken up, the team milling about as they do on lazy days. However, today the whole team have decided they need a well-deserved break and have all gathered in the control room trying to figure out where they should go.

Ray and Nate are arguing with Amaya and Zari over which time period they should go to. Jax and the Professor are of course arguing what type of vacation should glean the most rest and relaxation from the entirety of the team.

“We should obviously go to the past, come on a chance to dress up, go to parties, drink some ale!” Sarah shakes her head, Mick’s eyebrow cocked in approval with Nate’s suggestion, but was quickly distracted by the lack of your opinion butting in.

“I’m with Nate” Of course Haircut agrees with Pretty. “How fun would that be! We could go to the old American West, an oldie but a goodie. We can go to old Victorian, London and… OH MY WORD NO WE NEED TO GO MEET ROBIN HOOD!”

“Men in tights… not my thing.” Mick grumbles still sweeping his eyes across the room looking for you in case you were hiding. “Hey….”

Mick is interrupted by Zari – “And give ourselves the opportunity to mess up the timeline? I say we go into the near future and enjoy ourselves on a nice bea…”

“HEY” Startled eyes from each member of the team immediately turn to the seemingly angry pyromaniac. “Where’s (Y/N)?”

That statement won confused looks from every individual, as they turn there heads only now missing your snarky comments and sassy remarks throughout the entirety of the conversation.

 ______________________________________________________________

­­­­­

The sand was warm against my back as you lay there, tears sun-dried. Evine and you were staring at our red sun, heads touching. You shuddered as your sister laughed, a sound you missed so dearly only brought back bitter memories. You sat up, and staring off into the distance, you saw your small little village. A desert village with stone buildings, very few green sceneries but it was quaint. As quaint as it could be for being the remnants of somebody else’s mistakes. It was war that ravaged Earth-5. Greedy men who thought of no one except themselves. Cities were torn down, peoples starved, civilization fell. Many survived, most did not. You were the sole survivor of your family. Fresh tears trail down, turning your head, you see Evine glowing. Happy. Radiant. No longer in pain. You closed your eyes and you could feel the atmosphere shift. She was gone, home was gone. Reality came knocking.

Your eyes open, and all you see is the empty room. Arms shaking and knees weak, you hear Gideon faintly in the background.

‘Miss (Y/N), the corridor is clear to your quarters. You should go now.’

You didn’t wait a second more, and stumbled, using the wall as your support, all the way back to your room. 

_______________________________________________________________

The team swiveled their heads to no avail, you were nowhere to be seen. Before Sarah could even open her mouth, Gideon interrupted.

‘Miss (Y/N) should not be bothered today. She is in her quarters and unless you want me to lock down this ship, you will not even go anywhere near her room.’

Everyone had a look of concern and confusion. Mick’s ears turning red, he kept any and all emotions off of his face. He was angry, why couldn’t he see you. Sure, he doesn’t display a whole lot of emotions but he… he… realization dawned on him. He liked (y/n).

‘Why not.’ Mick grunted, more of a demand than a question, but one that needed an answer, nonetheless.

Gideon sighed and displayed Awn Verna in ruins – (y/n)’s village in ruins. Dead bodies lying everywhere, out windows and in the streets. There was one image so gruesome, everyone especially Mick HAD to look away. In the commons of the city, there was a pile four feet high of carcasses and at the top - a girl, younger than a teenager, speared. Clothes tattered and covered in blood. Ray threw up in his mouth, Sarah had tears in her eyes.

‘The girl’s name is Evine. She was (y/n)’s sister. This was her home before she joined the legends. Today is the five-year anniversary of the attack of Awn Verna, today is (y/n)’s birthday.’ A few gasps but a collective silence was the predominant reaction. ‘Every year, I have helped (y/n) spend the day in solitude and watched her spend the day in pain. So, no. You will not go to her, what she needs is this one day. One day to remember her sister without any interruptions.’

 The control room was… silent. No one spoke, no one wanted too. Sniffles could be heard; eyes were red, and hearts were broken.

“No.” Mick whispered – breaking up the monotonous silence. The Flame who never showed any emotion, but anger and contempt was crying. He got up and left the room, quickly making way towards your quarters. 

_______________________________________________________________

You stood in the center of your room, slowly and barely swaying and eyes closed. You were never religious, wasn’t raised it and sure as hell didn’t become it once I left home. But this… honoring your family, honoring Evine… it felt right. You wore a light, white linen wrap draped over your body, barefoot and hair down. Your scars from The Culling on your arms and back were clearly visible. A small amount of smoke filled your room as you stood in silence, breathing in slowly and remembering your loved ones.

You suddenly hear heavy footsteps coming down the hall and then they suddenly stopped as if they were forced to. You hear Gideon trying to muffle a voice, but you could pick that voice out from a mile away.

‘Mick?’ You open your door and step out into the hallway, forgetting how exposed you were. You saw Mick being held back by Nate and Ray, but everything stood still as they saw you.

                                                            …

Mick stopped struggling as his eyes met yours. What he saw in front of him, was something he had never seen before. He saw pain and heartache wrapped in a warmth that defied hate and anger. He stood up, shrugging off his teammates and walk towards you. And suddenly no one was there, it was just you and Mick, the only two people who mattered.

He stopped and traced his rough, gloved fingers along the scars that snaked up your arm. You turned your head to the side, not ashamed but resigned to the fate that these scars reminded you of daily. He circled behind you, his hand following the scars across your back. All the while not a word leaving his mouth, not even his signature solitary grunt.

You don’t know why you don’t stop him. Yes, you and Mick had gotten close this past few months since Leonard died and while your feelings for him had grown, you never thought it would ever get to the point of what it was. Of what was happening.

Mick circled to the front and looked at your face. But it felt more than that, there was no need for words. There was something there that replaced verbal affirmations and encouragements. He looked into your eyes and he saw you.

Beautiful. He thought, he didn’t need to know the specifics of what had happened. He didn’t need for you to explain, he just saw you. With more than just his eyes.

Mick maintained eye contact and motioned for you to take off his jacket. Slight movements revealed Micks arms and hands, nothing left your mouth as you traced your fingers along the scars that covered every inch. You looked up at him and you saw Mick. And you just knew that everything was going to be alright.

You retracted your hand, moving your arms in a motion to hug yourself as if to close yourself off to anyone and everyone when Mick stopped you. He dropped his jacket and grabbed your arms. And instead of letting you wrap them around yourself, he guided your arms around his waist and you held each other, knowing that everything was going to be alright.  

[eugenesmorphine]

Our Little Girl // Buck Compton Imagine

Taglist: @alienoresimagines​

  I sat on the couch, watching as my husband Bill walked around the kitchen fixing up dinner. I glanced down at the bump on my stomach. Well, now seeming like a mountain. I was eight months pregnant, and I looked like a cow. I sighed as I placed a cracker in my mouth. These cravings were killing me, right now all I wanted was crackers and cheese. And before I was even pregnant, I didn't even like crackers and cheese! I sighed as I looked down at my big belly. I glanced up at my husband whilst his back was turned, then I looked back down at my stomach. As much as I loved the fact that I was having a child with the love of my life, how come he was even still with me? I am not even close to what I looked like back when we first met all those years ago. I've gained weight, my face covered in acne, almost none of my clothes fit anymore, I have constant mood swings that I myself can't even handle, I was just ugly. Buck could get any beautiful girl he wanted but he chose to stay with me, I just didn't understand.

 "You okay over there darling? Want anymore cheese and crackers?" I heard Buck ask from the kitchen. I sighed, knowing I wanted more. I craved more. Its just these hormones are making me feel all out of wack. So I just let out a soft sigh and tilted my head up so Buck could hear me better.

  "No thanks Buck, I'm full," I spoke out. I heard him hum in response and then the sound of his heavy footsteps walk towards me. I felt his lips press softly on my head as he walked around me. I closed my eyes and smiled, moving my legs so he had a spot to lay next to me. I opened my eyes and watched as he placed a plate of crackers and cheese with a butter knife on the little coffee table that sat in front of us. A small frown came across my face as I felt my mouth water. I hated how bad I wanted to eat. But I knew I shouldn't.

  "I know how you are doll. And I know that crackers and cheese have been your all time favorite ever since we found out about our little baby," he spoke, a small smile on his face as he tilted his head towards me. I just looked at my belly. I hated how he was right. But why did I hate that? There was no need for it. I hated all the dumb emotions this pregnancy was making me feel. So I just sighed softly.

 That was until my mouth overpowered my brain. I looked up at him and bit my lip slightly. I watched as he looked over at me, clearly knowing I wanted to say something. I pressed my lips and took a deep breath. "Why are you with me Buck? I mean look at me! I'm like a goddamn cow! My face is covered in blemishes, all I do is eat, and all you deal with is me complaining and my constant mood swings. Why don't you go be with someone else? Someone skinny, pretty, sweet, and could actually stand up on her own," I rambled. My voice soft and weak. Though I didn't feel tears fill in my eyes. Which was strange because I had spent so many nights and days crying about the same reason. Damn you pregnancy hormones!

 Buck looked at me. Both in shock and in sincerity. He reached slowly for my hand and clasped it between his two big and calloused ones. I glanced down at his hands and then back into his eyes. "Y/N, Darling, all the stuff is bullshit and you know it. I don't care if you were one thousand pounds heavier or you were bald. Hell, I love you no matter what. Y/N, you are holding our child. A bundle of joy that we made together. A beautiful, beautiful baby. And I couldn't think of any other person I;d want to have a baby with, than you. I love you, all of you. And I want no one else but you." Hid words were soft and so kind. He leaned up and pressed a soft kiss on my lips as one of his hands traveled to my belly. I felt his lips curl up into a smile against mine. Which I couldn't help but smile either.

 That was until I felt a sharp pain in my stomach and nether regions. I winced as I sit up, placing my hand on top of my belly. For the past couple days this had been happening. I kept thinking they were just normal pains, I was only eight months in. I had another month to go. But even more recently, these pains kept coming more often. And by recently in general, I mean in the past couple of days. I opened my eyes and saw how Buck looked so nervous.  He looked at my belly and then my face.

 "Honey, are you alright? Maybe I should call the doctor," he spoke hurriedly as he went to push himself off of the couch. I shook my head as I let out a hard breath. I looked up at him and tilted his head at me. He clearly was worried. Though, I was sure the sharp pains meant nothing. I was only eight months in. Well, that's what I kept trying to tell myself at least.

  "No, No Buck. I'm fine babe. It is normal," I said, waving the thought away. Until another sharp pain shot through. This time it was worse. I groaned loudly and placed a hand on my belly again. Tears brimmed my eyes as I screwed them shut. I heard Buck's footsteps hurry over to me and I felt him kneel down  besides me. I opened my eyes and looked at him. I nodded and pressed my lips together. "Yeah, maybe we should go to the hospital instead. Something isn't right," I spoke, breathing heavily. Buck nodded and helped me up. He helped me waddle my pregnant self into our car and drove me over to the hospital.

///

 The car ride wasn't too pleasant. The pains kept coming as we drove closure to the hospital. Which meant my Buck kept getting more and more worried as my groans grew louder and longer from all of the pain. And once we got to the hospital, it was not better. The pain continued as the nurses put me in a bed right away and brought me the delivery room. From there they told me that I was in fact in full induced labor.

 "No, no I can't be in labor," I spoke, trying to sit up. Though another sharp pain shot through me. Causing me to lie back and yell slightly. Okay. Maybe I was in labor. I guess this baby was going to come a month early. Whether I liked it or not.

 Soon, the contractions came sooner and sooner. Each one more painful and lasted longer than the last. And soon after that, my water had broke and it was almost time to start pushing. And the entire time, Buck stood there holding my hand the entire time. Even when I squeezed his hand so hard that I thought I would have broken at that point. I gulped and cried out slightly as the dilation process really set in. I gulped when I looked up at the nurse after I took a deep breath. She nodded towards me as she got into position. Time to push. I gripped Buck's hand so tight, I heard him wince slightly. I groaned loudly as I used my other hand to grip the bed rail. I nodded and screwed my eyes tightly shut.

///

 After about twelve hours of painful labor, and what seemed like days of constant pushing. I heard the cries of Buck and I's newborn child. The pain quickly melted away from my body and the pressure in my stomach soon disappeared.  My teary eyes opened and I looked over at my husband. Who was now crying. It's rare to see Buck crying. But who could blame him right now, his first child just came into the world. Both of our eyes traveled to the nurse in front of us, the one holding our baby.

 "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Compton. It's a baby girl!" the nurse spoke cheerfully. I let out a small but breathy laugh as tears slipped down my cheeks. A smile as I glanced up at my husband. He was smiling and tears continued falling. I looked back at the nurse and she slowly walked over and placed my newborn baby in my arms. She was bundled up in a bunch of soft blankets, her cries hushed quickly. I smiled down at her. She was beautiful.

 "We did it Buck, look at our little girl," I told him through the tears. He nodded, kissing the top of my head. I couldn't believe this was reality right now. Here, our lives as Mr. and Mrs. Compton really were beginning. I couldn't wait to see where the journey of life takes us now.

[catsandstrawberries]

Real Family 8

Pairings: BTS x teen female reader, platonic love

Warnings: Language, neglect, descriptions of a panic attack and past child abuse 

A/N: Sorry I haven't posted in so long, hopefully, this chapter makes up for it. Also, I PROMISE Yoongi gets better but for the next few chapters he's going to be a jerk..I'm sorry but I can't imagine him feeling ok with reader living with him at this point in time. 

Summary: It’s not blood that makes a family. It’s love.

Masterlist 

The week after they had given me my own phone they had automatically became super busy. They were always leaving early in the mourning and coming home late at night, I didn't really expect anything different considering they were idols. Sometimes they would invite me to come with them to dance practice, I thought it would be fun until I saw all of the hip rolls and thrust in their choreo. Dancing like that in front of the girl who's living with you and trying not to be too sexual is weird.

So for the most part I stayed at home, and indulged in the Netflix account Jungkook made for me. Honestly, most of my days were spent eating and watching the show called the Office. In the past week I had watched seven seasons of the Office and finished Parks and Recreations. Both of which made me cry at some point from laughter and sadness. Taehyung also helped me set up an Instagram and Twitter, and sometimes we would send each other awkward selfies when he had some downtime at work. Apparently, Namjoon had even started an Instagram called the BTS family, and I later found out that the day I was supposed to get coffee for Bang, led to him yelling at the boys for not using me to my promotional potential. Or at least that was my guess and when I told Jungkook my theory, his widened eyes and exclamation of ‘you're not a promotional tool to us!’ told me my hunch was right. 

All the boys had the password except for me to the Instagram account, which was a little aggravating but Namjoon also had to sit me down and talk to me about how I would need to be responsible in what I posted since I gained about 8 million followers on Instagram. The Bts Fam account was also just cringey photos of myself. There was one of me from the photo shoot, one of me and Tae, the rainbow shot of the boys and one of me sleeping on the couch. I messaged Jin asking (begging) him to delete it because I was drooling in the photo but in response, he sent me a laughing emoji.

Currently, I was watching reruns of the office since Hoseok asked me not to watch the final season without him. I refused to hold back my laughter as Kevin spilled his chilly onto the floor or when Stanley talked about his love of pretzel day. But as soon as the door slammed shut followed by a silence I immediately muted the show, calling out, “hello?” Even though I knew the house was pretty top security, doors slamming and the silence always scared me. “Just me (Y/N)!” Namjoon poked his head out from behind the wall, looking up from his phone and tucking it in his pocket. “You're back early,” I stated turning around on the couch and leaning my head against the frame to get a better view. “Yeah practice got out earlier and they decided to give us off till Monday.” He sounded so relieved but it was only Saturday, it was sad to think they had to work so hard just to get one day off. Instead of crushing his dreams though I simply smiled. “That's great.” I then noticed the quiet in the building, “what happened to the boys?” He flopped down on the couch next to me, “they went to get food-.” I immediately groaned, “Not salads again!” BTS comeback was in a few months and of course, they all were expected to diet and one of the first and only things Yoongi had said to me this week was, “If we're doing it so is she.” He didn't even say it to my face or address me, so our relationship wasn't really getting anywhere. “Sorry.” He smirked, words not matching his emotion. “Actually, when the boys get back we all should talk.” I gulped, turning off the Tv and turning to Namjoon. “Is s-something wrong?” I stuttered, despite the fact I was getting more comfortable with them I was always waiting for something wrong to happen, expecting it. Maybe this was it. Namjoon opened his mouth but the loud shouting of Hoseok prompted him to roll his eyes instead. “(Y/N) you better not have watched the last season without me!” An annoyed sigh followed by a wack came from the other room. “Can you quiet down Hoseok, anyways we have to talk to her remember.” Jin's strict voice startled me, what was so important? Jimin soon filtered into the room ruffling my hair as he passed by then jumping over the couch to sit by me. After he had done it at the photoshoot it kind of became our ‘thing’. Even after plentiful whining from Tae and Kook about how they wanted a ‘thing’ too. The rest of the boys flooded into the room, Jin handing me a bowl of greens and vegetables, the only thing slightly appealing was the boiled eggs. I tried not to act too ungrateful, even a salad was better than no food, but why did I have to diet with them, stupid Yoongi. Once everyone had settled down and Jungkook handed me a fork, all eyes were on the leader. He twiddled slightly with his thumbs as he spoke, “So (Y/N), I got a message from the state the other day about them sending a social worker to check up on you. Apparently, it's routine for them to see your lifestyle, how you're adjusting and everything.” I practically sighed in relief at his words, if this was the news then I had nothing to worry about. I suddenly perked up as a thought entered my head, “is the social worker Katie?” I honestly missed Katie, even though we fought and got on each other's nerves she was the closest thing I had to a mom. Jimin chuckled next to me and I blushed from my sudden excitement, stuffing a large piece of kale into my mouth. “The email didn't specify,” his tone then turned serious, “but, (Y/N) I was doing some research and they said if the meeting didn't go well you could get revoked from our parental rights.” Of course, I knew this, since it had happened in the past, but was he really worried about that?  “Namjoon it's nothing to worry about, the state would only take me away if I was in an unfit home. Like the last place I lived at they drank a lot, called me names, tried to…” I faltered off just as Jimin had tensed from beside me. “I-I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry.” I hung my head in defeat, that wasn't just something I'd blurt out why did I feel so inclined to bring it up now. “Anyways, you guys will be fine, I have a roof, food, The Office.” I chuckled but this time no one laughed with me, all eyes downcast or glaring into the distance. Clearing my throat I started to eat more of my salad, “you guys will be fine, when is it?” My question caused Namjoon to blink a few times before looking at me. “Tuesday. We’re supposed to have a practice that day but I convinced Bang to let us leave for a few hours.” Jungkook let out an audible ‘yes’ followed by an ‘ow’ as he was smacked by Yoongi. “Is that all we had to talk about?” The nervous look on Namjoon's face only deepened and my stomach started to twist. “No. We enrolled you into a private school.” I gulped the remaining food in my mouth hanging my head in my hands once again letting out an annoyed groan, “you start Monday.”

When Tae had offered to take me to Target to shop for school supplies I did not question him. I thought he was just trying to do something nice. But as soon as the car pulled up to the mall Tae started to head for the store that screamed expensive in big glowing letters. Gucci. “Tae I can't go in there, isn't that for like expensive people?” Tae turned towards me, pushing his sunglasses up once they started to roll down the rim of his nose. His black and red checkered bandana pulled his hair back and the black Gucci shirt and jeans did nothing to hide his appearance or physique. “Don't worry so much, we’ll just make a quick stop then leave.” I grumbled under my breath, I doubted Tae could simply just make a ‘quick stop’ at Gucci. The security guard in front of the store gave Tae a nod followed by, “welcome back, Mr. Kim.” Jesus how many times had Tae been to this store. The guard gave me a side eye but didn't mention anything as I walked closer to Tae. The insides of the store were terrifying, everything looked expensive and I worried that if I touched something I would somehow fall 5 million into debt. The store was lit with a soft yellow and white glow, a set of purses in a glass case covering an entire wall, a full room of shoes and mannequins with strange looking sweaters were placed in the oddest of places. Turning a corner I almost jumped when seeing a mannequin holding a Gucci bag in one hand and a strange interpretation of a Kimono on the body. Trestles and chains hanging from the shoulders.

“Tae can we please get going soon, am I even old enough to be in a store like this?” Just as I asked, I walked by a set of baby clothes all pricing over 1,000 dollars. “Don't answer that,” I grumbled while Tae openly laughed at me. “Why don't you go wait outside while I check out,” before I could argue Tae was raising an eyebrow at me. “I'll be quick I promise.” Taking him for his word I exited the fancy store, casually leaning by the wall and taking out my phone.

Not even five minutes after walking out of the store Tae was done, meeting me outside a bag in hand. “What did you get?” I asked but he simply brushed off my question, “just some stuff. Here I got you these.” He placed a pair of sunglasses over my eyes, “you'll need them the more we go out in public.” Pulling a black mask from his pocket he quickly placed it over his mouth, “let's go.”

Once we had gotten to Target, Tae of course immediately got distracted. “(Y/N) these would look so cute on you, look!” He was like a kid in a candy store, shoving clothes in my hands and carrying me throughout the department. “Tae, why are we looking at clothes when I have a school uniform?” Tae turned towards me taking the clothes out of my hand and placing them in a handheld basket. “Don't think I don't notice the seven pairs of clothes you rotate through in a week (Y/N). I'm not an idiot.” Despite the cloth, over his mouth, I heard every syllable, and I looked away in annoyance. “Besides I can't let my kid go out in public without the proper clothes.” He turned away for a moment muttering something about how he wished it was Gucci, but the only thing I cared about was how he described me as ‘his kid.’ “Go try these on.” He handed me a big basket of clothes, “all of them?” Tae glared at me, before sighing. “Seriously (Y/N), please go try them on.” I glared at the ground as I walked towards the dressing room, not missing the smirk that passed Taehyung's face as I muttered, “only because you said please.”

After a full-on argument with Tae about how I didn't need 12 pairs of jeans he finally gave in and let me choose half of the clothes out of the pile he gave me. So the original fifty items soon turned into twenty-five. Shopping with Tae was seriously a hassle. Every time I remotely looked at something he would be breathing down my neck asking if I wanted it. Sure it may seem nice but it was also annoying. So far he had shoved Yankee Candles, fairy lights, and some supplements into the basket for my room, stating that ‘I needed to decorate.’ He tried to grab more especially when we got to the room decorating section with sheets, mirrors, hangars, couches and the fancy led lights. I had to drag him to the school section which was odd because that was the ONLY reason we were supposed to go to Target and we seemed to buy everything except for school supplies. As soon as we got to the aisle Tae’s nose scrunched up in disgust, “I hated school.” I glared at him and he quickly realized his mistake, “I mean school was fun...yay, learning.” Tae walked over to a pile of fancy looking notebooks and binders and simply swiped them into the basket from the shelf. “I actually met Jimin in high school.”

“Really?” I asked slightly in awe, everyone always talked about how once they graduated they moved on from there high school friends. “Yeah, Jimin got picked on a lot for his accent so I always tried to stand up for him. That's how we became friends.” He turned back towards me a smile on his face, “I know school can be rough, but try giving this one a chance.” I smiled and nodded throwing a pack of pens into the basket. If only I had known exactly what would happen at my new school.

[incoherentbabblings]

First Date (8/9)

Tim has one more test to pass before Bruce will allow him out as Robin. Like Dick and Jason before him, he has to avoid being caught by Batman for one night. He has already failed once, and is determined to succeed this time. Determination which might not count for much when Stephanie Brown is on the run from the mob. Her mother kidnapped as a way to threaten her father, Stephanie manages to escape and run into Tim. Unable to leave Stephanie alone when she is in need, Tim decides to try and multi-task. All he has to do is rescue Stephanie’s mother, take down the mob, avoid Batman, and get Stephanie to agree to a proper date all in one night. Absolute anarchy ensues  Ao3 link here!

After exiting the car, Tim had shot up to the neighbouring warehouse, looking down.  There was an obvious hole in the roof where Bruce most likely had crashed through.  The rain and wind had gotten worse since they had set off and it was a grim early morning in Gotham.

“Oracle, what happened to Batman?  Do you know?”

“We made a mistake.  We’d assumed that with the number of people out looking for you two, the numbers within the warehouse would be pretty manageable.  Ibanescu has more men behind him than we thought.”

“He’d have taken down a few first right, though?  Before?  He would have gone down fighting.”

Oracle give no indication that she had heard Tim.

“We need a view of the building, I’ll see what the Batmobile can do.”

Tim frowned to himself, finding the entire situation increasingly suspect, but said nothing.  He waited patiently whilst Barbara taught Stephanie how to use parts of the car.  Barbara had hooked their audio channels together, so he kept silent listening to Barbara’s instructions and Stephanie’s general confusion.  He felt a slight ringing in his ears as he felt the sonar pass through him multiple times.

“Do you get the image wherever you are?” Stephanie asked from inside the car.

“I do.  Can see there’s about fifteen bodies in there.  You two and Batman took out a few on your city travels.”

“Is Batman in there?”  She asked.

“Can’t say for certain, it doesn’t give a clear enough picture.  It’ll help Tim know what way to enter, so thank you Stephanie.”

“You’re welcome.”

Three men on the top floor, ten on the ground, congregated in two groups.  Two further back and off to the side than the others. Possibly Bruce and Crystal, though he wouldn’t know until he crashed in.  Sucking in air between his Tim, Tim clambered over to the hole in the roof and tentatively peered down.  He had to catch them off guard somehow…  He sighed, then spoke to Oracle.

“Going in now.  See if she can get the EMP to go off.  It’ll cut off my communications, but the other tech should still work.  It’ll mess with their stuff real good.”

“Be careful Tim.”

“Promise.”

He leaned over the edge of the hole and grabbed hold of the roof beams that were still intact and could support his weight.  He remained up high, creaking wood giving away his position, but the building was so old, and the weather was so bad that the entire structure was creaking regardless.  In his ear, he heard Stephanie ask,

“Oracle?  How do I set off an EMP?”

“One sec…  By the gear stick, there’s a circle of smaller buttons with a big button in the middle?”

“Hit the big button?”

“No.  Do not hit the big button.”

“What’s the big button do?”

“Don’t touch it.”

Tim snorted a laugh and struggled to contain it.  He moved overhead of one of the three men, waiting for Stephanie to mess with their electronics.

“What can I touch?”

“Bottom right.  Hit once, no more than one second.  It’s pretty fierce and will knock out a block if you hold it too long.”

Tim turned off his earpiece, knowing it would give a firecracker snap if he left it on, and waited.

Sparks lit up from the inside of the men’s jackets and trousers with their phone’s sparking off, and in one instance a fancy looking gun one man held fizzed so violently he dropped it with a comical squeal, arm almost spasming from the jolt. 

Looking at their disorientation, Tim dropped down on one gangster. The force of his weight was enough to make the man’s head ricochet off the wooden floorboards.  Before the other two had managed to turn around, Tim fiercely wacked one, then the other, with his bo staff.  The three men fell to the ground, out of action.

Easy peasy.

Pleased with himself, Tim made his way across the room, heading for the stairs.  Poking his head down, he could see the main hall of the warehouse.

The group of ten was not necessarily what they appeared.  Ibanescu stood in the centre of three men and one woman who had congregated to the centre of the room. He was wearing a white suit and holding a comically large gun.  To Tim he looked like a Black Mask wannabe.  Further up the hall, closer to Tim, was Crystal.  She seemed awake, albeit exhausted, but also seemed to be in pain, emotional and physical.  Knowing she’d been sat on the cold floor for hours by this point, hands bound uncomfortably behind her, and denied her pain medication she was dependent on, Tim frowned and gripped the stair rail tighter in sympathy.  She was sat behind Batman, who to Tim looked unconscious rather than dead.  Thankfully.

A pile of five unconscious bodies had been moved to one corner, so Bruce had managed to take out a few before one of them had managed to bonk him hard enough on the cowl to make him plonk to the floor.  Tim breathed a silent thank you to Bruce.  Five was more manageable.

But why hadn’t they killed Bruce?  They must have thought Stephanie had died falling off that bridge, but maybe they were hoping beyond hope that Arthur Brown would show up with the promised money, probably wanted to make a grand spectacle of it all. 

Tim checked the roof of the room, seeing if there was another place he could spring off, but nothing suited.  He huffed to himself, becoming impatient with his delays.  The quicker he moved in, the faster it would be over… one way or another.

Well, no time like the present.

Tim threw a smoke bomb down and followed it quickly by the small bombs that he had accidentally set off nearly twelve hours ago, before he’d left the Batcave.  The bright light, loud noise, fog and heat from the bombs was enough to scatter the men.  Tim jumped down, using the smog as cover from the ensuing gun fire, and began to kick, punch and strike as hard and fluently as he could.  Occasionally, he’d feel the whizz of a bullet shoot by, making him twitch his head instinctively away from the noise, but otherwise no-one managed to land a punch on him.  A few members slid away, out of the smoke and into clearer air, but Tim remained within, out of sight.  He ran backwards and slid over to Crystal and Bruce.  She had managed to curl herself over Bruce like a shield, proving her protective instinct was stronger than her self-preservation.  Maybe that was where Stephanie picked hers up from. 

Ibanescu called for people to gather round him, his voice nasal and high pitched with fright, and wait for the smoke to clear.

Tim moved towards Bruce to cut through the binding that held his wrists and legs together, Crystal very reluctantly moved back once she realised what Tim was doing.  Once the material scraps fell the floor, Tim gestured for her to turn.

She did, but also began asking him, “You’re with him?”

“I am.”  With her wrists free, Crystal brought them around to her front, grimacing at the red and damaged skin round her wrists, dried blood and dirty wounds.  A sudden thought came to her, and she whirled around and grabbed Tim’s shoulder.  Tim groaned at how fiercely she held on, but he did not let go of Batman’s cowl in his attempts to awaken him.

“My daughter –”

“She’s outside in the batmobile.  She’s been shot a couple of times but she’s fine.  I promise she’s safe and she’s helping me right now.  Sit tight until it’s over.  I don’t want anymore of you getting caught in the crossfire.”

“She’s alive?”

“She –”

A large explosion ripped a gaping hole in the building.  Crystal shrieked whilst Tim floundered at the unexpected interruption.  Bruce groaned with the injection Tim had given him waking him out of his temporary slumber.

“Batman, hurry up, wake up…”  Tim shook Bruce incessantly.  Bruce grunted again, then went to raise himself off the floor.

Somebody grabbed Tim from behind and pulled him up and away from Crystal, who shrieked in alarm.  Tim saw that there were two members still standing after his attack and the imploding wall, plus Ibanescu himself, and the man holding Tim.  Ibanescu had his gun aimed at the pair, and in a moment of utter panic, he fired the gun, ideally aiming for Tim’s head.  The man who held Tim seemed to realise what was going to happen to him and cried out, only for it to be cut off sharply and violently.

Tim froze, limbs still splayed and uncoordinated from being picked up off the floor.

No... way.

The shell went wide and missed Tim, who was too short for the shot, and Tim was suddenly faced with carrying a very heavy corpse on his back.  Screeching and generally freaking out, he flipped the body over, thrusting it upwards to rest on one of the numerous hanging platforms used for moving cargo.  Tim hadn’t intended to fling it across the room, but his adrenaline and flip had given the body enough momentum to reach a nice height.  The upper torso hung off the platform, dripping onto the floor below.

"Oh.  Oh crap."

Tim felt chunks of bone and tissue slide of his back and refused to look at the corpse.  He turned around to glare the gangster.  The two remaining members stared at the body, then to Tim, then to the back of Ibanescu.  Looking briefly at each other, the man and woman decided the batmobile was an easier target, and probably safer from stray shells, and ran out to beat their way in. 

“Stephanie!”  Tim cried out, and went to follow, but Ibanescu raised his gun, and Tim froze.  He wouldn’t miss again.

“Enough!”  The gangster shouted.  Crystal flinched and was unable to stop staring towards the ceiling at the dead man.  She began crying.  Tim moved back to shield her and a still struggling Batman.  He let Ibanescu rant.  “Arthur swindled me out of such a sum I couldn’t get the last import… and he’s such a coward he wouldn’t show up to save his wife or avenge his daughter!  Fuck it, fuck him, and fuck you and the Bat… this whole night has been spoiled!”

It seemed to Tim that Ibanescu had a higher opinion of Arthur Brown than was probably warranted.  He seemed deeply shocked and disappointed (and angry) that the man had not showed up for the sake of his family.  Maybe Arthur was smarter (and crueller) than anyone gave him credit for. Tim glanced around the room, trying to find a way to get the gun out of the other man’s grip.

A tasered mobster was thrown back into the warehouse.  Tim’s mouth dropped open in pleasant surprise.  Stephanie had managed to activate the defence system.  When Ibanescu was distracted by the collapsed figure, a batarang whizzed over Tim’s shoulder and buried itself into Ibansecu’s shoulder.  Bruce had recovered enough to disarm the threat to Tim.  Ibanescu cried out, arm dropping the gun and swinging uselessly.  It allowed Tim to rush forward and body slam the man, knocking him to the floor and out cold.

There was a moment of silence, then Tim whooped.  “I did it!”

A familiar grunt behind him brought the jubilation to a cold close.  Crystal stumbled to her feet, muttering about Stephanie.  Slowing his breathing down, Tim rolled over the unconscious man and went to bind him up.  He heard the crinkle of Batman’s cape as Bruce rose up, but Tim determinedly ignored him, childishly delaying the inevitable heartbreak. 

Tim had just managed to handcuff Ibanescu when Crystal went to run out of the warehouse. 

“Wait!” Tim yelled, but he could only watch at the batmobile jerked amateurly into the building, knocking Crystal back onto the floor.  “Ah!  No, Mrs Brown!”  Tim stumbled up, tripping over the man on the floor, and returned to pinning the body down.

Crystal waved a reassuring hand upwards.  “Okay… I’m okay.  Woo!”  She huffed, rolling around on the floor, gaining momentum to push herself back up.

Tim could only stare at the strange older woman, realising more and more where Stephanie got her ability to seemingly brush off things that would cripple another.  Tim got the feeling that Crystal Brown was stronger than Stephanie gave her mother credit for, but then again, he was only judging from ten minutes of interaction.  The potential was there, maybe, but perhaps it had been beaten down after decades of a toxic husband.  Tim felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up to see Batman kneeling down next to him, moving to Tim’s level.

“You can get off him now, I’ll take it from here.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, you’ve done enough.”

His tone, as always, was impossible to decipher.  Tim felt drops of blood fall on the floor off his hair and clothes, and decided Bruce meant it derisively.  Someone had died because of him.  He slid off an unconscious Ibanescu, despondent. 

“Wait…”  He said, as Bruce went to move all the unconscious people into one easy to arrest pile.  Bruce paused expectantly.  “What happened?  You’ve beaten more guys than this.  They didn’t have a clue what they were doing?  None of them did…”

Batman looked over to the knocked over mother and sighed.  “Crystal was... not the most well behaved hostage.”

It wasn’t much of an excuse, but having hung around her daughter for ten hours, Tim nodded in solid empathy.

Stephanie meanwhile has started to rock in horror in her seat, and surveyed the damage she’d caused by blowing open a hole in as structurally unsound building.  No-one was left standing, aside from Tim, who was crouched over a suited man next to a conscious Batman. 

Her mother thrust a hand on the hood of the batmobile, and wailed a cry as she pulled herself upwards, seemingly aware that her daughter was inside it, and Stephanie burst into tears.  Unbuckling in a rush, she ignored the restricting pain of her stomach, and kicked the door open.  She fell out of the car, and pulled herself off the cold concrete floor.

“Mom!  Mom!”  She cried out, clinging to bonnet and waving Crystal over.

Crystal, who looked none the worse for wear, aside from a bruised neck and wrists and a tear stained face, rushed over, careening into her daughter, disturbing the sore leg and gut.  Despite the pain, Stephanie’s tears were ones of a relief so sharp it did not compare to the pain of being shot.  Her mom was safe.

“They told me you were shot and fell!”

“No that definitely happened.  I’m alive though.  Somehow.”  Stephanie voice was watery and fragile, but she still managed to joke to her mother, who pressed aggressive kisses to her face.

She looked over her mom’s shoulder, watching Batman and Tim converse.  She could not see either of the men’s faces.  She couldn’t tell how the fight had gone, aside from the fact that they had won.  She couldn’t see if Batman was well, if Tim was unharmed, or if the mood was light or angry and somber. 

Raising her eyes, she saw a body lying further up on a hanging platform.  Its head was missing.

Stephanie froze in her mother’s arms.  Was that where the screech had come from?

“Mom…who’s body is that?”

“Oh.”  Her mother began crying hysterically.  “Oh God.  I’m going to need therapy.  Some gangster your father had gotten in trouble with… Arthur never showed.  He never…”

Police sirens sounded off in the distance, and Tim approached the couple.  Stephanie blinked at the dark blood running down his skin.

“You’re hurt?!”  She moved from her mother and cradled Tim’s cheek, to which he smiled bashfully and shook his head.  He reached up and took her hand in his, squeezing tight.

“No… not mine.  Don’t worry, not a scratch on me… Better than him I guess…”  His smiled turned sad and the sirens grew louder. 

“Did you…?”

Even the possibility of Tim killing someone was enough to make his flush red.  “No!  No.  God no.  Ibanescu was aiming for me but missed…”

“Oh.  Okay… poor guy.”

Crystal rolled her eyes at Stephanie’s simple but well meaning sentiment and clung to her daughter’s side, unwilling to let go.  Tim heard Bruce moving towards the car, and knew the night was over.

“We have to… we have to go now.”

Stephanie’s blinked, realising what this meant, and frantically turned to her mother.  “Mom, mommy, this is the boy who saved me right at the start near the pharmacy, kept me safe all night.”  Stephanie smiled, eyes wet, feeling very fragile and desperate for her mother to understand what Tim had done for her.  She spoke quickly and breathlessly, afraid that Tim would leave before she could explain it all.

Crystal looked at Tim suspiciously and said nothing.  Taking a step away, Tim spoke, practically reading Crystal’s thoughts.

“Not true, your bullet wounds and fall off the bridge say otherwise.”

Stephanie frowned and tugged on Tim’s hand urgently, not wanting him to go.  “Remember your promise okay?”

He laughed very gently.  “Yup, yup.”

“The police will take it from here.”  Said Batman, storming up to the trio.  He loomed over the three of them, a solid foot taller than Crystal, and several inches more than Stephanie and Tim.  He seemed okay but did not offer any explanation for what had happened on the initial rescue attempt.  Stephanie supposed she would have to hear it from her mother.  He offered as parting words, “I’m sorry this happened to you both.” 

His words were kind, but his tone was not, and Stephanie suddenly felt like defending Tim.

“I asked him to stay with me.  I couldn’t have gotten through tonight without him.”

“…I know.”

“I’m okay because of him.”

Batman said nothing and went to leave.  Stephanie blurted out, “And you?  Are you okay?”

Despite the cowl covering most of his face, Stephanie recognized the look of mortification when she saw it.  He wasn’t expecting that question, and refused to answer her.  Maybe he took it as her demeaning him, when in fact she was being genuine.

Huh.  Tim’s behaviour was rubbing off on her.

And then he left, entering the car.  The other door was opened, a clear signal for Tim to enter as well.  Tim did as he bid and after one last tight squeeze, and a love sick smile, let go of Stephanie’s hand.  She returned to her mother’s embrace and watched as the car drove away more smoothly than her or Tim’s attempts to control the vehicle.  She stepped out of the building, wanting to watch him go, through the hole she had punched through.  Only as she reached the alley she was met by four cars and two vans pulling up.  Several armed police came out, guns already held upwards.

Instinctively, both Stephanie and Crystal raised their arms.  They had dealt with the police enough times in their lifetime to know what to expect. 

“It’s safe!” Crystal yelled across the way, “They’re all subdued… though one…”

They were gestured to enter the squad car, ready to be driven back to the police station. 

Stephanie sat down with a gasp, her gut aching something awful.  She leaned down and grasped her thigh, massaging the muscle reassuringly.  Crystal nervously put on her seatbelt and began rubbing her wrists, smearing drying blood on her hands and forearms.  She seemed more focused than Stephanie, and managed to talk to the police officers without sounding like a hysterical woman. It must have been the ER nurse in her kicking in.

Looking out the window as they began to be driven away, Stephanie could see the sun was beginning to rise.  She was exhausted, seriously injured and feeling remarkably lost.  Her mother breathed a final sigh of relief at finally being safe.  They probably weren’t going to given much chance to rest, and would have to recount what had transpired in the past twelve hours.

As they drove through Gotham, Crystal leaned over to her daughter’s side, resting her head on Stephanie’s shoulder.  Reaching up, Stephanie buried her fingers in her mother’s hair, giving her the comfort she needed after a night of horror.

“Dad never showed.”  Stephanie finally spoke.

“No.  The money he stole… I don’t know what he was thinking.  Stealing from a human trafficker, like two wrongs make a right?  Or was he not thinking at all?  He never came.  But he knew.  They rang him.  I heard their conversation…”

“Maybe he knew if he showed up, we wouldn’t have made it.”

“Hoping for Batman to save us first?”

“And he did.”

“Hmph.  That boy…”

Stephanie sighed happily.  “You’d like him.”

“Does he have a name?”

Stephanie continued to stare at the daybreak, trusting Tim to keep his promise.  “Robin.  I hope.”

[thruces]

endgame spoilers

i know i said i wasn’t gonna do this but ???

i have so many thoughts and feelings and i want somewhere to get them out so let’s dive right in shall we? (spoilers under the cut!) 

i firstly want to point out that most of this won’t be chronological since my thoughts are everywhere.

to say i have some thoughts is definitely understating it. there was a lot to take in throughout the movie but i feel as though i went in with high expectations and came out with something less than what was promised by the countless fan reactions and reviews. i wasn’t expecting what i got but there was a lot of good despite the bad. it’s also worth noting i ended up fainting out of stress and partial dehydration (from crying for nearly six hours straight) which is further proof that i’m an emotional wreck as well as a fool.

first off, tony’s death. – there was no real reason for him to die. he finally had the life he wanted and had to sacrifice that for the rest of the world. he never needed to redeem himself, he didn’t have to die to make up for anything but they still made him. he should’ve had steve’s ending. somehow steve rogers, the super solider who stated on a number of occasions that he didn’t want the domestic life, got it. tony stark, the man who wanted to step away from the battlefield and have a family was the one who died fighting. it hurt so much to watch a man who survived everything thrown at him, who lived through trauma, ptsd, anxiety attacks and tremendous loss only to finally get the life he deserved and have it all taken from him. what hurts even more is that strange knew what had to happen, it must’ve been so awful knowing what had to be done. the sadness in his eyes as he put his finger up was devastating. tony stark will always be my hero and i’m going to miss him so, so much.

expanding a little more on steve’s ending – it felt wrong. most of steve’s arc was centred around bucky and yet he chose to leave him. it was like the past two captain america movies became irrelevant and all that mattered was getting rid of steve in the simplest way. peggy had a whole life without him and he knew that but chose to go back and stay regardless? idk that just didn’t sit right with me.

onto thor – they did him so, so dirty. thor lost everything and suffered so much and they still just tried to play him off as comedic relief for most of the movie (although the fortnite scene was kinda funny) . the scene with banner in his house hurt me so much. to see the way he cared for him, the softness in his voice. he understood his trauma and was patient. the way he put his hand on his shoulder and wanted to be there for him was one of the best scenes in the film. he didn’t judge him harshly for letting himself go because he understood what it was like to go through trauma and loss in the way he had. it was genuinely one of the best scenes. thank u russos for the good thruce content.

in terms of the rest of the ragnarok crew – i was so happy to see korg again! my eyes lit up as soon as i saw him in his cute hawaiian shirt!  taika waititi is the source of my happiness and he should direct every mcu movie. i’m so happy val made an appearance too and becoming queen is exactly what she deserved, although i did kinda miss her deadpan attitude. overall the ragnarok gang was the biggest let down for me in terms of characterisation. the russos will never be able to do them justice. they used thor as comedic relief despite his trauma, banner’s arc was one of the worst ones in the movie (my love for him remains untouched though) and the other characters were pushed aside (although it’s completely understandable as the focus on this movie was the original avengers). additionally the hulk dab scene filled me with rage for reasons i can’t explain,, i just,, hated it so much,, more than anything else in the entire movie. 100 percent the worst line in the entire mcu,, ever,,

next up is nat’s death – in my op this was the best death in the film and although i love nat her death made the most sense. the way she was gentle and calm when she told clint to let go broke me and i felt so bad for him, go me it was definitely one of the most powerful scenes.

time to expand on banner’s arc bc it’s one of the biggest things i disliked. why the fuck did they think just getting rid of the hulk was the best thing to do? they’ve been developing the banner/hulk arc for years then deadass just got rid of him? it’s so sad bc the hulk developed a lot over the last three movies and now it’s just over? it’s esp sad when you think about the fact that a. the hulk was his own being and b. that this was barely addressed at all? the entire characterisation of banner during the movie was absolutely wack and i’m so mad they did him dirty. the two best banner scenes were the gauntlet scene and the thor scene and everything else was just,, bad. can they please just bring back cute tiny bruce who’s dorky and into science bc that’s the one i fell in love w/, not this weird hulk/bruce hybrid that marvel pulled outta their asses (that’s my hot take and you’re fine to disagree but i hate it sm)

i also wanna talk about thor and frigga real quick bc honestly? my heart never felt true pain until then. she was so calm and the entire scene broke my heart into pieces. ik thor got some closure but it still felt so awful to see him so heartbroken.

if i'm being honest i’m not really feeling the asguardians thing. dgmw i love them as separate units but to me it takes away the entire team dynamic of the guardians and i really hope it’s not a permanent thing. i also hope they get gamora back because it’s what peter deserves.

time to talk about the best part of the film – scott. my boy absolutely killed it. his character arc over the course of the movie was the best one. the balance between comedy and plot was perfect and the scene where he saw cassie grown up made me sob. i can’t fully express how much i love him as a character but i promise it’s a lot.

there’s a lot of stuff i missed out but these were my main thoughts after seeing the movie, hopefully i’ll pick up on more when i see it again on monday! if you wanna talk about any of these PLEASE message me because i’m really interested to hear other ppls opinions!

[harley-sunday]

The Draw (12)

Summary: The whirlwind starts at the 2018 ACE Comic Con in Phoenix but you’re not sure where it will end...

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x reader

Warnings: Language. Smut. NSFW-ish under the cut.

Word count: 3383

AN: Sorry for the long wait, this whole chapter was a struggle. I honestly thought this was going to be the last chapter, but I just can’t seem to quit this and so I figure there’ll at least be another two chapters to this story. However, I would love to hear what you think though or if you even want me to continue, so if you like this story so far, please comment or reblog :)

Masterlist

“So you’re leaving Wednesday, right?” your brother asks, his mouth still full from the spoonful of ice cream he’s just shoveled in.

“Yeah,” you reply, laughing then because Sarah wacks Nathan in the head for talking while he’s got food in his mouth. “I’ll be back on the tenth.”

“Do you need us to drive you to the airport?” Sarah offers, Jake nodding enthusiastically next to her.

“That’s very kind,” you reply, “but Lauren’s already offered to drive me.” You smile then, “It’s sort of our tradition, you know?”

Sarah nods while Jake looks a little disappointed and so you offer him an extra scoop of ice cream instead, ignoring his mother’s protests that he’s already had enough with a wink.

You wait until Jake’s finished his dessert before you start clearing the plates, a little surprised when Nathan offers to help you with the dishes. That is it’s just you two in the kitchen and he bumps shoulders with you, “Remind me again why we have to lie to Mom and Dad for you about this “business trip”. He uses his fingers to air-quote the last word, a mischievous grin on his face.

“Technically it is sort of a business trip,” you answer quietly, “what with me working in the New York office.”

“Sure,”

“It’s just,” you start, a sigh then. “It’s Mom and Dad and you know how they get. I don’t know,” you hesitate, trying to find the right words, “I just don’t want to get them all worked up about this. Not until-”

“Not until when?” Nathan jumps in. “Until you’re well and married?” He leans against the counter, arms crossed in front of him, “Listen, I know they can get a bit carried away sometimes, I mean, Dad will probably cross-examine the guy the first chance he gets, and Mom will want to know if he ever plans on having a big family within seconds of meeting him, but it’s just because they care, you know? You’re their little girl,” he does nothing to hide his eye roll, “and they just want you to be happy and-”

“I know,” you bite back. A little softer then, “I know, but I’m still trying to figure everything out myself, ok? And it’s hard enough as it is without Mom and Dad around.”

“Is it, though?”

“Well yeah,” you counter, “this feels different. There’s this whole world that he’s a part of that I’m still trying to make sense of. Either he’s on a movie set, or doing press somewhere, or going to a premiere or an award show or-”

“But that’s just work though, isn’t it?” Nathan says quietly. He looks at you then, eyebrows raised, “Don’t set this up for failure by coming up with excuses as to why this is doomed from the start only because you act like it’s something special.” He holds up his hand when he sees you want to say something, “I’m not saying it isn’t something special, don’t get me wrong, but at the end of the day, you are just two people who like each other very much and it shouldn’t matter if he’s famous and you’re not. If you like each other, really like each other, well, that’s what’s most important.”

You want to argue, really you do, but deep down you know he’s right. You’ve been trying to come up with reasons as to why this would never work ever since you first saw Sebastian in Los Angeles and so far he’s proved you wrong every single time. And after Nate’s speech, maybe it’s time to prove yourself wrong too.

Without warning you throw your arms around your brother, pulling him in for a hug, “Thanks, Nate.”

Taking one last look around your office to make sure you haven’t forgotten anything, you shut off the lights before you hoist your purse a little higher on shoulder and grab your laptop bag off the floor. You stop one door down, at Deb’s office, and poke your head inside, “Alright, I’m off. See you in three weeks.”

She looks up at you from over the rim of her reading glasses, the slight nod she gives you as encouraging as the smile she wears, “Don’t let those New Yorkers get to you, kid.”

“I won’t.”

“You’re one of the best out there,” she continues, looking extremely proud, “they’re lucky to have you.”

“Thanks, Deb,” you say as you smile back. The woman holds a special place in your heart, giving you a chance to work alongside her ever since you graduated college and teaching you the ropes every step of the way. A true mentor and definitely something you aspire to be to some young kid one day. She isn’t the affectionate type however, and so you know better than to walk over and give her a hug, instead opting for a quick wave, “I’ll keep you updated.”

“You do that.”

“Ok, so,” Lauren says, practically jumping out of her car, joining you on the curb, “on a scale of one to ten, how excited are you?”

You laugh, because she asked you the exact same thing a little over four weeks ago, when she dropped you off for your flight to Los Angeles. “A solid ten,” you reply this time.

“Good,” she agrees, as she leans against her truck while you grab your suitcase. Her arm around your shoulders then as you stand next to her, squeezing you close, “I’m so happy for you babe!”

You think you hear her voice shake and so you turn to her, not completely surprised that she’s a little teary-eyed, “Laur-”

“I know, I know,” she says as she lets go of you, “I shouldn’t get this emotional, but you know how I am.” She waves her hands in front of her eyes to stop the tears from falling, “I just want you to be happy.” She sobs then, “And I just know he makes you happy, but with him living in New York and-”

“Laur,” you interrupt her, your voice soft, because of course you know what’s bothering her, “I’ll come back. This is all still very new, ok?” You wait for her to nod before you continue, your hands on her arms now, “Maybe, one day, you know? But this is the first time we’ll be together for more than two nights and who knows how things will work out.”

“But-”

“No,” you say, sternly this time, “You will always, always be my best friend, Laur. No one can change that. I’m not leaving you. Never.”

She’s crying for real then, and so you pull her into a hug and hold her tight, because even though she acts like nothing fazes her, you know that she doesn’t do well with change.

It takes a while for her to calm down, but when she does she can’t help but laugh at the way she’s reacting, “God, we are a couple of drama queens, aren’t we?”

“You know it,” you agree, pulling her in for one last hug.

“Safe travels, babe,” she says as she lets go of you, “Love you.”

“Thanks, babe. Love you too.” You grab your suitcase before you turn back to her, "I’ll let you know when I’m there, ok?”

Your flight is delayed for almost three hours, and you’re pretty frustrated by the time they finally let everyone board, the talkative elderly lady you’re seated next to only getting on your nerves more and more as the flight progresses and so you’re not in the best mood when you finally land at JFK. Baggage claim is your own personal form of hell when there are three kids screaming and crying with their parents doing nothing absolutely about to stop them and to make things worse your bag is one of the last to get on the belt. 

By the time you exit the airport you’re pretty much done and you’re so lost in thoughts that you forget Sebastian’s organised for someone to pick you up and so you have to track back from the AirTrain station to the pick up location Sebastian texted you before your flight took off. To say you’re in a bad mood would be putting it mildly.

You scan the signs the drivers are holding up, looking for one that has your name on it, while figuring you’ll use the ride over to get yourself together and freshen up a bit, when you spot a familiar figure across the parking lot, your heart skipping a beat when you see him looking up at you with a mischievous smile. 

He’s wearing the same black baseball cap he had on when he came to Charlotte, and it seems he’s not drawing any attention but still you’re careful when you walk over to him. You’re not sure what the rules for public displays of affection are and so you stop just in front of him but he leans forward then, kissing you softly even though there’s a need to his kiss that tells you he wants more. You feel all your build-up frustration melt away at his touch and smile into the kiss, your lips the only part of you touching him even though it feels like you’re hanging onto him for dear life.

He pulls away then, his voice barely above a whisper, “Hey.”

Your knees actually fucking buckle then and it makes you wonder if you’ll ever have the same effect on him until you see his cheeks are a little flushed and you can’t help but smile.

“You ok?” he asks as he takes your suitcase and puts it in the trunk.

“Yeah,” you nod, before your smile grows wider. “Better now that I’m here.” You let him lead you around the side, a little surprised when he says he’ll join you in the backseat but of course he has a driver. It’s New York, nobody owns a car here.

The car is one of those luxury town cars, with a blacked out window between the front and back seat that Sebastian closes as soon as he tells the driver you’re good to go. There’s still a little bit of space between you, but God you’ve missed him and so you scoot closer and snuggle up to him, letting out a content sigh when he puts his arm around you.

“I like you,” he whispers quietly, before he presses a kiss to your temple.

He drops your bag at the door and holds out his hand for you to take, “Come on. I’ll give you the tour.” 

You’re standing in a long hallway with doors on either side and and a view into the living room on the far end. He gives you a quick rundown of the first three doors, with the guest bedroom on your left, and the master bedroom and toilet on your right.

The second door on your left leads to the open plan kitchen and from there into the living room, and you actually gasp when you see the view it offers of the city. The windows are big, starting about three foot off the ground, running all the way up to the ceiling, dark blue curtains framing each window perfectly. There’s something about his living room that makes you feel at home right away, because even though the furniture and decor are all pretty masculine, it’s also cozy and you can tell the pieces are put together with care.  

From the living room he leads you back into the hall, still holding your hand as he opens a door on your left, revealing the master bedroom. The walls here are a dark green color that you fall in love with immediately and you realize it’s because the color somehow just fits Sebastian. 

He points to two doors in the room, one for the bathroom, the other for the walk-in closet, before he quietly says, “I’ve cleaned out some space for you to put your things.”

You’re taken by the way he insecurely runs a hand through his hair before he rubs his neck and so you press a kiss to his lips, “Thank you.” You’re about to pull away, but his hands are on your hips then, pulling you closer. You smile into the kiss, your hands finding their way into his hair, stopping at the base of his neck. You open your mouth then and his tongue does something that makes you moan into the kiss, a little weak in the knees for the second time that day.

Sebastian’s hands move a little higher, lifting you up and you wrap your legs around his waist almost instinctively, grinding down a little until you feel the bulge in his pants pressing against you. He takes a few steps forward before he carefully lowers you onto his bed, his lips never leaving yours. His hand finds its way to your thigh, pushing your dress a little higher, his fingers slowly making their way up before he teasingly presses his hand against your already wet panties.

You buckle your hips, aching for his touch, hoping to increase the pressure, but instead he removes his hand and you whimper at the loss of contact. He stops kissing you then too and all you can do is look at him with your eyebrows raised.

He chuckles, lips a little swollen, cheeks a little flushed, “Don’t worry, I’m about to make it up to you.”

You wake up to the sound of a doorbell ringing as well as some eighties rock music playing somewhere in your proximity. It takes you a moment to figure out you’re at Sebastian’s place, but then the memories from earlier that afternoon come rushing back and you feel the heat rising to your cheeks when you remember how you screamed his name not once, not twice but three times already. You hear the door open, a muted “Thanks, Joe.” coming from Sebastian and for a moment you keep still, trying to figure out of he let someone in, but after a few quiet minutes you figure something must have been delivered because if you remember correctly Joe is the doorman.

It’s then you smell food coming from somewhere and as if on cue your stomach starts to growl. Getting out of bed you find your dress somewhere discarded on the floor and so you put it on before you walk to the kitchen. You find Sebastian behind the counter, plating up what seems to be a Thai curry, while softly singing along to ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ from Journey.

“Hi,” you say, but your voice is still a little raw and so it comes out barely above a whisper.

He turns around, a warm smile on his lips, the laughter lines around his eyes crinkling, “Hey, you.”

You end up next to him and you throw your arms around his waist as you rest your head against his chest, “Smells good.”

“I don’t really cook,” he says, almost apologetically, “so it’s almost always take out or a restaurant.”

“Sounds good,” you say with a smile, because really it is, although you promise yourself to surprise him with a home cooked meal somewhere in the upcoming days.

“You sleep well?” Sebastian asks when he sees you walking into the kitchen, handing you a cup of coffee and giving you a kiss as you pass him.

“Yeah, although the first night somewhere else is always a little weird,” you admit easily as you sit down on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island, “I think I woke up a couple of times before your alarm went off.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” he grins, “I always have an early morning training session on Thursday.”

“It’s fine,” you reply with a smile.

“Oh yeah, before I forget, here is yours,” Sebastian says suddenly, like it’s no big deal, pulling something out of his pocket.

You however, are at a loss for words when you take what you suppose is the key to his apartment from him, holding it tight in your hand as your eyes follow Sebastian across the kitchen. He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and puts it into a gym bag that’s lying on the counter, before he sits down on the bar stool next to you, shifting a little in his seat so he’s facing you, smiling, “I don’t want you to have to wait around for me. You should just do as you please.”

“Ok,” you say, slowly, not sure where he’s going with this.

“You’re going to have to go in to work, right?” he asks, a little uncertain now.

You nod, “Yeah.”

“Ok,” he echoes, smiling again. “I’ve tried to keep my schedule as empty as possible, but I couldn’t clear everything, plus I have a couple of things I really have to go to. You know, meetings, training sessions,” his voice drops then, his smile fading, “therapy once a week.”

You put your hand on his, giving it a gentle squeeze, “Hey, no judgment here. I went to therapy for almost a year after I broke up with Mark.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You smile, “If I ever was president for a day I’d offer everyone free therapy sessions. It’s still so underrated and frowned upon, but it’s so good for you and your mental health.”

“Thank you,” he replies before he leans in and kisses you, his hand resting on your leg. “So, uh, yeah, you just do your thing, ok? And I’ll do mine and then let’s at promise that we’re back here every night at six?”

You nod, “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Alright, well, I’m headed to gym in a couple of minutes, then I have a meeting with my agent and after that I should have a pretty good idea what the rest of my week looks like, so I’ll let you know, ok?”

Holding three pretty full grocery bags in your left hand, you search for your key with your right, groaning in frustration when you realize you put it in your left pocket. Switching hands you find your key and let yourself into Sebastian’s apartment, walking straight into the kitchen where you put the bags onto the counter before you take your bomber jacket off and drape it over a chair.

It’s Saturday and you’ve just been to Tucker Square Greenmarket, getting everything you need to make that home cooked meal you promised yourself you’d make for him. You let your phone connect to Sebastian’s sound system, thumbing through your playlist until you’ve found one with nineties music that you put on while you start unloading the bags.

You’ve still got some time left before Sebastian gets home and so you take it easy, pouring yourself a glass of wine before you set about the meal prep, softly singing along to whatever song is playing while you’re at it.

By the time the chicken is in the oven and the potatoes are roasting, you’re two glasses of wine in and so when ‘I’ll be There for You’ from the Rembrandts comes on you can’t help but turn up the volume and dance through the kitchen, using a courgette as a microphone, singing at the top of your lungs. It isn’t until the songs ends that you notice Sebastian standing in the doorway, leaning against the door frame.

“I was just-” you start, still panting a little, resting against the counter to catch your breath and realizing whatever you’re about to say next is futile from the way he’s grinning wickedly. You wipe your brow, “How long have you been standing there anyway?”

“From the first time you tried to clap along,” he says, trying to keep a straight face.

“It’s hard,” you say, trying to defend your off-beat clapping, pouting for extra effect.

He laughs out loud then and shakes his head, “You are something else, you know that?”

“Free entertainment, apparently,” you mutter, but you can’t help but smile. Laughing then when he takes your hand and spins you around before he kisses you.

“I like you,” he says, before he eyes the oven timer, “Still thirty minutes left until dinner, huh?”

You follow his gaze and nod, before you look back at him, one eyebrow raised, “What you have in mind, Stan?”

He doesn’t say anything, just grabs your hips and pulls you closer, before he moves his hands and scoops you up, making his way to the bedroom. His voice low when he says, “You just wait and see, sweetheart.”

[polygamyff]

17. Part 4

This sucks, the fact I got to apologize to him. He has been doing nothing but provoke me, taking shit about me to Tiffany and she doesn’t even know me like that. I am so annoyed but then again, this nigga is in hospital so I should see my work of art. Imagine if I did make him blind in one eye, maybe glass got in it I don’t know. But shit is wack, Robyn says I have too so I guess I got too. I have realized that Robyn is a very clever woman, she knows things and moves in silence. I need to get like her, she is making me like her I guess with always telling me what to do to make things better “hi, Kellen Davenport. Which room?” My mom said he is in hospital and I was like oh shit, I bought Malik with me even though Nalah would be a better protector, I needed someone to just have my back “yes, room number 1. Just here” least it’s close by “thank you” dragging my legs to the room “so you apologizing because Robyn told you too?” Malik asked me for the second time “yes brother, it’s called obeying your woman. When you get one and fall in love, you will understand” pushing the door open, I knew that bitch would be here “not you” she said in such a tone I wanted to go there and slap her face “yes me” Kellen turned his head to me, he has a patch over his eye “Kellen” I said staring at him, not sure if he is angry “Tiffany go and get me a drink” he knows, I didn’t need to say a word “no, so he can harm you?” I ain’t about to say shit, I am here to say sorry and go “for me, get up” she been told, walking off a little placing my hand over my mouth trying not to laugh.

Sitting down on the seat where Tiffany got up from “Maurice fucked you up” Malik never stops “I think he knows, just please” I said to my brother “I came here to say sorry, I did it out of anger. At that moment I saw red, family is everything. Blood is thicker but I was angry, I don’t think you know why?” I said knowing Tiffany talked shit “she said she was talking to Robyn and then you pushed her” shaking my head laughing, I had to laugh because it was predictable of her “I pushed her because she was being malicious towards Robyn, wanting to fight her. She tried to harm my unborn baby, I saw red. I can’t hit a girl so I hit you, now you know me. We have spoken words and said shit, when have I ever beat you? It’s never happened, but she is poison to try and harm a baby I have wanted a long time. For once I am happy and I won’t let anyone ruin that. You were there and yes I took it out on you, I am sorry and the money thing won’t happen, nobody told me to come here, I came here because I felt bad” that is believable, has to be. Kellen is ever so silent “they took glass out of my eye, it may be a few months before I can see again. I can’t cry, it hurts. You gave me heavy blows, it hurt. I never had issues with you, ever since women came into our lives it’s happened and I am disappointed in Tiffany. That is wrong. I will talk to her but I know you don’t say sorry to many people so this means a lot, I don’t want to fuck up what we have and I know you have always wanted to be a dad so this is big. I won’t say shit to anyone, I don’t want to lose you as a cousin” Kellen is all about money, he ain’t losing money “blood Kellen, remember that. Just keep Tiffany at bay ok?” Kellen nodded his head.

That’s one down, opening my car door and getting inside “that was easy” Malik said as he closed his side door “that’s what happens when you want to keep the nigga that feeds you close, I feel like a pimp. I think Kellen is going to have that bitch on a leash or if not, she will be getting a divorce. So the next thing I am doing is seeing my baby but Malik, I am thinking of showing her the house. Nigga, last night or the night before well I went there. They had a whole bunch of niggas outside the place, mind you I got out of the SUV so they peeping my game. I have a feeling they watching, I ain’t even playing. So today, maybe later. Robyn will be seeing the place, what has been done about the garage?” I want my cars all there “erm nothing, I ain’t even been back” I scoffed “get it done Malik, and tell me when family go back so I can then rest easy that they gone” Malik chuckled “ok so you need a new assistant now, I heard Nalah talking about she is firing Ally straight up but also making her sign a contract that she can’t talk shit. You’re without an assistant” I didn’t even know “I guess so” now that is another stress I didn’t want “I can step in for a while for you” putting my car engine on “really? But then I’m going to miss you, you’ll be in New York all the time, no. I want you close by, you know what you can do? Help me get a new one, please nobody pretty. I can’t deal with Robyn being angry with me, maybe a guy? I don’t know, just not a pretty female” Robyn would make me fire her straight away.

Closing the SUV door, the very same men are here again. See this is weird, I’m not liking it. Looking over them before walking up the steps, my phone buzzed in my hand. Looking down at the screen it’s from Robyn, unlocking my phone to read it.

From: Robyn

To: Maurice

My key is under the welcome mat x

Why can’t she just open the door, locking my phone. As I walked along, the guys just watched me walk along and I just stared at them as they looked at me waking. Let me just ignore it, crouching down and lifting the mat, picking the key out. Getting up from my position, unlocking the door and walking inside. The place looks dead but then I see the two balloons saying happy birthday, closing the door behind me smiling “Robyn?” I said walking over to the coffee table, this is cute. A card and a bag on the table, picking the card up “Robyn, are you here?” Where the hell is that woman of mine, ripping open the envelope. Pulling the card out, turning the card around staring down at it in shock, I’ve not had cards in a while, I mean who sends me a card with things anymore. The scan picture of our daughter on the front of the card, my hand lightly touching the card front, is says Happy birthday dad on the front, I feel choked up on this. Opening the card, another shock a picture of Robyn and I at Kellen’ wedding, I look so focused on other things and Robyn is sat right there next to me, reading the caption under the picture ‘who would have thought that after this day changed my life’ I grinned, I was so miserable there too. Looking on the on the side of the card to read what she put, she wrote it this all out, she has beautiful handwriting ‘para mi marido, I am doing this for you. I love when you speak Spanish. To my darling love of my life, the day you spoke to me on Facebook to the day I met you in person. You changed my whole life for the better, you gave me a baby I already fallen in love with. You may not see it and you may not think you do much but baby you do, I know our baby is going to be one spoilt child, not with money but with love. The baby didn’t just save you Maurice it also saved me, it saved me from the people I thought was my friends and also bought me closer to you, I know for a fact our baby was made with love and that alone fills my heart. Happy Birthday daddy from me and our daughter’ something so simple got me a mess, I just can’t contain my emotions right now, wiping the tear that fell.

Placing the card on the table, opening the bag. Pulling the paper out “starlight cinema” I said to myself, what is she even up too. So Robyn is really not here, the hell is her ass. She much be already there I guess, why would she be there. I’ll be back for that card, I need to go and see my baby. Dragging open the door, closing it behind me and locking the door. Walking off but stopped abruptly, that group of boys have now moved and are now closer “is that your girl?” one of them asked, obviously speaking about Robyn “yes, why?” he shrugged “you must got money, riding about in a SUV. It’s cool, I know Robyn myself. Her family help out a lot, I just wanted to know who you was. Cool” that is so random “should come sometime” walking by them “maybe” I just want to go, I am not down to start shit right now but he seems to know Robyn so he may be telling the truth.

Getting out of the SUV outside the cinema “what are you doing?” I asked confused “got me crying and now here” hugging Robyn “well, I don’t know really” I missed my baby so much “oh and these guys outside your place, some guy knew you” moving back from the hug “oh, I know them all. We help out at a local youth place and that is how, they are no trouble. He mentioned you, he as curious. That’s him for you” I can rest easy now “I know people too Maurice, but I don’t know. Look I was doubting myself, Leon said I should do it but he thinks he is right, do you ever go cinemas?” shaking my head “for what exactly? You know my fun was drugs and then I just work, I see movies after when I got the time” Robyn looked at me a little shocked “who doesn’t go cinemas? That is weird Maurice, you just. Look Leon said I should do the little things with you, these are the things we do. I ain’t rich enough to buy you an island but I want us to have fun” smiling at Robyn “you rich, you right rich. Don’t give me that” I pointed out “I am that also but I don’t know” looking at the building “take the lead Robyn, my dad never showed me small. He showed me big, if I wanted to watch a movie in the cinema he will get that movie and we watch it in our own move room. And it’s actually sweet, I didn’t have girlfriends that pay for things, I paid. You good, so please” Robyn grabbed my hand, I will love it because I get to be with her.

Am I a bad person that I did this, I don’t think I am but how does one person fall asleep watching Avengers, I love Avengers. I can’t believe he fell asleep, it just makes me think. How the hell did he grow up, backwards. I mean I feel sad for him, he was always with older people, he was made to grow up. The simple things in life he didn’t get to do, just buying things is not the end all. Doing things with that person means the most, I don’t blame him but he will learn with me. Stroking the side of his face, he is so cute asleep but I won’t wake him. He works too hard and then barely sleeps, he sleep with me fine but I know he is at peace with me but I wish I wasn’t constantly busy. I know his ass didn’t probably sleep last night and then remained awake doing work, I know he wouldn’t have fell asleep with me like this. That will be the only reason, I won’t say it to him because I am probably making him feel like a weird person.

Tapping Maurice “Maurice” shaking him “hey” he lifted his head “huh?” he looked around him, the lights are on now. He stretched his body out as I got up “was it good?” he asked, I couldn’t help but smile “yes it was, I loved it. Thanks” he shot up from the seat “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I was up thinking, plotting and stuff” walking behind Maurice “I feel bad, I just wanted to watch the movie and made you suffer” Maurice stopped on the step “no, it’s nothing to do with you stop it. This is fine, I get to spend time with you. Please, it’s not like that” he grabbed my hand, walking down the steps “I love you baby, I honestly didn’t do things like this. I just know what I know, it’s all about business with me but with you, I will do anything with” he is so cute “you do know when our baby is here, we will be doing lots of things together. You better get ready” walking out of the cinema, Maurice put his arm around me “I am ready, I may need help though” I think he knows what to do, he may need telling off sometimes.

Sat at the restaurant with Maurice “I am just happy we can kind of have a date I guess but, did you like the card?” I need to know that “yeah, I was like oh god no. I was looking at the picture like a stupid idiot. I was in a foul mood that day, you sat right next to me. We both didn’t even look, we just didn’t care. I near missed my chance, I am happy Shawn pushed me. He pushed me to do it and now look” leaning down at the side of me and placing my hand into my bag “I know, the picture makes me laugh. The way we are sat together but strangers” grabbing the box out “so I was thinking on what to get you, and I know you wear one watch. You on business you wear just that watch, you are always on business so I got you this. So you remember me” placing the box in front of him, long black velvet box “you didn’t need too Robyn, seriously. Your love is enough, your love to marry someone damaged” he is not damaged, he is lost and needs guidance “please, for me” he picked up the box, he opened the box “it’s a Diamond bracelet, the first man I have ever spent that kind of money on anyways, it’s all diamonds” Maurice closed the box “I can’t, please” placing my hand over his on the box “no, it’s from me to you, when you look at that you remember me” Maurice looking down, placing his hand over his eyes “Maurice, please don’t be like that” he moved his hands “this is different, I don’t know what to do” he is all tear eyed, my poor baby “what is? Talk to me” I like to get to know him more “this, buying me things. I buy things, even throughout marriage. Nobody bought me anything, nobody cared too because I was spoilt. I never was thought, I just had my dad. I stopped birthdays because of it, I didn’t like them because it became a circus freak of what party would my dad do for me and people came, nobody got me anything but in my heart I wanted to know people cared, not even a thought. Even a card, it sounds so stupid. Not even that, so I stopped birthdays” I feel so sad for him, my heart aches “well this is a new start Maurice, things will be different now” he is trying so hard not to cry.

Placing my fork down as I chewed my lasagne “did you apologise to Kellen?” I am wondering now “I did, but now we can get Deja” shaking my head “no, we doing nothing. She did wrong, she knows. We move in silence, I don’t want the noise. Bitches like that want that, they want to seem like they have the upper hand, so they can start thinking they can threaten us to be quiet about this baby, no. In life you can’t just do such things it creates more drama, my baby’ name won’t be tainted, I am just glad I see the truth now. I know you want to do a lot but we do this by letting the think, thinking will kill them. Silence is golden, next I want you to go to Naomi and you make it clear, sitting in silence wasn’t going to not get you caught. She was speaking to Tiffany, I saw. She getting on my nerves, you know how I feel. You tell that bitch, if she had ideas in wanting to get rid of me, or is behind it that you are aware. You didn’t see but I did, I want you to get your wedding ring from her. She was wearing it, sell that and give that to charity too. Then you go to your dad, you tell him that you are close to divorcing, refresh his memory on this. He can’t forget that at some point you will, then you need to make it aware you will be busy. I want you there with me, I don’t want to hear about your dad saying you need to go because I will be angry” I have been dying to say about Naomi, she pissed me off the most with that ring “I didn’t notice” why is my man like this “this is why you got me, I got your back” and that is for life.

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): The Continued Brainprocessing of Fucky Shit

it’s a long one boys but they all are atm

like jinkies scoob i have been Avoiding So Much with les drogues. avoiding so much like, wow, shit, I Feel So Empty Around People Who Were In My Life. but yes, very necessary to dissociate from this shit for a period while i adjusted to the possibility of, oh, wait, this really is My Apartment? this... i can Live Here without being Disturbed or Attacked? still adjusting. but without les drogues this time.

im continually coming to terms with like... ok, so, i have been and sometimes still like... engage in emotionally and physically abusive behaviour towards my own body, and to other bodies around me? 

and also, i am coming to terms with, this does not strictly mean i am An Abuser Forever��full stop (i.e. Bad Person, Irredeemable, Disgusting, Abhorrent, Should Be Euthanised, etc).

this is reflective of, emotional and physical abuse has been so normalised to me as a young individual, that i have been repeating patterns of behaviour i saw routinely growing up, not even understanding why that kind of behaviour is hurtful or how i could do stuff differently. and that kind of makes me go, oh shit. dude, what the hell? that’s... that’s actually, yeah, that’s one fucked up upbringing. it really Was that bad. 

even regarding like The Voices In My Head(tm), my reaction historically was just like, scream at them? yell at them? injure the body somehow until they shut up or it passes out? 

which, uh, oh. that’s totally what my mother did when i was displaying “unreasonable” or “irrational” emotions as a small thing. rejecting then snapping then shouting then smacking until i either ran away to cry alone and injure myself more (emotional abandonment; reenacting and normalizing physical punishment) or went very numb and quiet and compliant like a Good Child (dissociative reaction/freezing; fawning). 

now like i am aware of these structures and this history Right Now. but still frequently i do get into the old frame of mind where it’s like, “you’re being stupid. you’re overreacting. you’re being melodramatic. Other People Have It Worse. Just Don’t Think About It” which, yeah, that’s introjected from a number of adult figures in my life. very very unhelpful, but when you’re a kid, you’re looking to adults for structures to implement to help you navigate your own life. when those adults are emotionally unhealthy... Yeah. this happens.

and right now, i’m like, uh, what the hell? it’s not a dick measuring contest, you’re telling a kid in pain that they’re not allowed to express their pain?

like i’ve talked abt this before probably but it’s an incident that reminds me how fucked up the whole situation was and is. when my school found out i was self harming in like y7 (so like, 11-12yo), because i’d cut so far down my PE shorts didn’t cover the marks, my PE teacher legally had to get the school to call home. and like, i fucking Begged her, please don’t, a call home is gonna make things SO much worse for me. but ofc the law is the law especially when it comes to teaching, and the call home got made. and later that evening my mother bust into my room with NO warning and fucking screamed at me, “You Selfish Little Cow.” 

like i went numb as hell. i don’t really remember clearly what she said after that but it was a whole tirade. stuff about how i was a brat and going to get her in trouble with social services and how i was ruining the family (implicitly, her life) and causing trouble, and how i ought to Think About What I’d Done. i was thinking/feeling, oh my god, she’s beating me again. i’ve ruined everything for everyone again. this is all my fault. i’m responsible, i’m the one to blame, i should have hidden it better. i’m not allowed to talk. i’m not allowed to feel. i’m supposed to be Quiet and Good and Do School and Not Annoy Anyone and Behave. i’ve failed. i am a failure. I Am A Selfish Little Cow. 

i think i tried to commit after she left? but like, in that way where you’re so numb and out of it you can’t actually physically pull together the methods, despite the mind wanting No More. 

and like i’ve been going to visit the woman that DID THAT TO ME. smiling and telling her about my life while Really Fucking Avoiding Telling Her Any Details About My Life. hesitating in pain and then adding “xx” to the end of the text messages i felt like i was obliged to send her. trying to convince myself “she’s my mum, i’m not gonna get another one, i should call her, it’s not so bad, we can talk about... uh, talk about politics, or religion, or, uh, her dog, or my siblings...” COMPLETELY fucking avoiding the fact that, like. this is the Same Person who caused me all that pain, and i don’t feel safe or secure talking to her about important details of my life, or my emotions, or, well, me. i hide and go Nothing Is Wrong! :) I’m Doing Fine! :) 

and! it really does seem like she’s not, you know, as cruel as she was with me, with her other children, at least since after i ran away. but no amount of that can actually change MY memories of growing up with her? my more-or-less programmed Make Her Happy reaction to her physical body? i can’t just, you know, conveniently forget those Things that Hurt Me to engage with her for her happiness. because, well, Her Happiness is not My Happiness, although i was lead to believe that was so. and, when i’m Conveniently Forgetting those things (i.e. my emotions at the hands of an abusive relative), i’m not behaving with the proper regard for myself as a person, and by extension i’m missing pieces of how to properly engage with other people. 

i don’t wanna like, mask the in between spaces of utter dread and anxiety and total blankness with Everything Is Totally Fine. I Am Functioning. Yes I Did Well In School This Year. That’s All That Matters. What Have I Been Doing? Oh You Know. The Usual. (without ever saying what The Usual is, because, yeah, when i’m in that Mode, i don’t fucking know what i do at home! idk how i spend my time! My Function Is To Avoid Conflict). 

because, uh, yeah, academically, sure! i am functioning, sort of! bodily? uh, well, i’m SLOWLY learning how to properly feed myself, and sleep without chemicals, and stay clean, stuff like that. socially? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. okay, fuck. that’s the one i can’t... figure out, like, at all, on my own. how do i... where the fuck do I even start? i’m not even okay enough with Myself to navigate the social world without passing inappropriate judgement on potential peers. i see people who might, Might, be friends, and my brain goes POTENTIAL THREAT REGISTERED. SELF: SIGHTED. ACTION: HIDE. DO NOT APPROACH. FLEE IF CONTACT INITIATED. 

SO LIKE. my issue now is, i totally know that like... these patterns of behaviour are not My Fault, don’t make me Useless, Bad, Bratty etc, if i sit down and write about it, frowning on-and-off for hours. but, i can’t actually implement these regulatory thought processes in realtime quickly enough to... meet new people and enjoy it? on like, a social level? even on a professional level i have to wait for a good day, and switch off like, chunks of me to get the Task Completed. and uh, talking to friends isn’t a Task process, it’s supposed to be a Leisure process?

i’m quite capable of filling my time and navigating the world quietly, alone! there is a surprising amount i can find to do. but hypothetically i’d really like to, like, meet people, and not talk about “haha dude I’m so sick right now. let’s smoke another blunt,” because while it was... uh, reassuring? and i suppose fun? for a while? to meet other people dealing with life pain like that, that sort of thing gets really mutually toxic.

like, i’m in the process of quitting drugs altogether, and drugs tend to go hand in hand with that social space. daily use, even second-hand smoke, is not something i can be around any more. weed was great for ages, but now like, the drug basically told me “nah g i’m not for u any more”? - as in, it was not helping me any further, i could feel this, and i just... smashed the pipe i’d smoked out of since living in the YMCA, deleted my dealers’ numbers, and withdrew. goodbye ganja! I Keap The   B o m g   In My Mind Now

i was offered like, support from a local drug addiction charity? people fucking pushing me and pushing me to go there, actually. but like... i step outside the place and the ground is carpeted in fag ends. there are cheap booze shops like 5 minutes walk away. it felt like the kind of place where something heavy would come up in group, and i’d be with the people who peel away afterwards to chainsmoke, get a couple litres of cheap voddy, then somebody pulls out their second phone to get a baggie of the good shit once the booze hits? like it could easily just drag me back down. this is a thing i gotta discuss later, and more privately. that kind of group Not For Me.

i’d also like... started Really noticing the whole undercurrent of like, anger and judgement and denial and impermanence in the we’re-all-mentally-ill-here social spaces i used to hang out in? and i’m aware that i was participating in that too, and that while it was good to begin with and for a long time, it really isn’t good for me any more. actually tbh i go Completely Wack upon returning to those people and places now. which, fuck, like, if the person in question happens to be reading this, i’m very sorry. and yeah, sorry doesn’t cut it, because that must have been Fucking Alarming from your perspective, and i wouldn’t have done it if i’d been in my right mind, and i wasn’t in my right mind, and currently can’t be around so many triggers, and yeah your lifestyle being triggering to me is NOT your fault at all, which is why all i can really do is a disappearing act. cuz there’s no conversation that can even make a goodbye feel right, fucker that this situation is. rip. 

so yeah uh. my issue now, is Establishing Trust and Healthy Social Connections. that is, trust that someone is gonna like me for, the collection of things i like and do and say and am? uh, or even several people? 

this... is one i can’t figure out Alone, because, well, it concerns social relations. and i have very little confidence in social relations, because, well, they’ve either been painful, or centered around painful experiences. and i’ve been told that when i’m really truly enthusiastic and happy about something, i’m overwhelming and annoying to others? so i put the brakes on like crazy if i start feeling “too” happy and end up going Appeasement Mode to get out of the social situation as quickly and smoothly as possible.

and uh, what, i don’t even know the collection of things i like and do and say and am. i don’t... Know all of those things at any one time. how, uh, what? what am I. you know. the usual ??????????? flippy haze. 

i mean! i’m getting better at talking Within myself. i REALLY try to talk slowly with kindness and understanding of context to myself and the voices in my head now, and figure out solutions to pain and problems that don’t involve different kinds of pain or avoidance? but i still lapse into like, you know, Augh Jesus Christ I’ve Heard This One Before Why Do I Need To Have This Discussion Again, and frequently i can’t find a viable alternative for avoidance, because i get overwhelmed easily and that makes EVERYTHING worse. and i haven’t figured out how to take my foot off the brake pedal, either, even though i’m not always pressing it. I Need It There For Now Or Else The Car Might Crash u kno. 

so, like, what? i guess i just keep, talking kindly to the voices, and also to myself? practice until it becomes the default state of being when a trigger pops in? this requires patience, and also booting away people who refuse to have patience with me. unfortunate, necessary.

the thing about IRL conversations, is they happen so QUICKLY, and like, i don’t have enough time to calm the brain down from every trigger that pops up! because like, it can be a facial expression, a movement, a word or phrase, a tone, something in the periphery, something behind me, an internal sensation. it’s SO much information my brain is scanning urgently for threats, and my brain scans harder the more a person knows me, because a person who knows you can deal WAY more damage than a stranger. 

so... yes. this is the part i require assistance with. Hrrrrrrmmnhghdfgjnh.

I SUPPOSE. perhaps now the university have stepped in to arrange a case review with the NHS, they can really push for the kind of support i need. which, yeah, it’s long-term one-on-one trauma-focused counselling or therapy, and also some help with social interaction???? not repeated crisis team referrals, not some 12-week DBT course, i’ve literally been off finding DBT skills and employing them on my own because the waiting lists are so fucking long, and not a 12-week psychodynamic course, because i’ve been seeing a psychodynamic counsellor on and off for four years privately, and the work is nowhere near a conclusion. shit, i’d be satisfied if they could just somehow secure funding for me to keep seeing that guy specifically? he’s REALLY helpful to me, literally like my fucking role model for non-toxic masculinity. and i’m not ready for like, group social skills work, Yet. but soon, you know? only when i’m like “okay, yeah, i really do think I can handle this without my health going backwards again” - which, i need more within-myself security for that. 

also better mood monitoring would be nice, i.e. seeing the same damn person, who actually knows my case, instead of a different person every time saying “I’ve just quickly had a look at your case notes”. because if i go low again this winter, then my “depressive disorder NOS” is bipolar, and i’ve been mismedicated from the beginning. and yeah honestly like? as soon as it starts getting dark and cold, I get inexplicably sad, even with plenty of indoor light and warm clothes and whatnot. but yeah we’ll see about that.

anyway This Shit Wack. Im Done.