#when it gets super worse again
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'why do u wear a mask? i've had covid 3 times and im fine!'
well good for you but 1 covid gave me body wide nerve pain and some kind of lung or heart thing where i get winded doing 1 flight of stairs. i do not want to roll the dice on #2 nor do i want whatever else nasty bugs you picked up with your unfiltered face holes
wash your fucking hands, stop coughing uncovered and wear a damn mask and then we can talk like you're my equal in this discussion
#z.chat#if covid made me a germophobe maybe i shouldve been one before tbh#i hate being sick anyway it makes me want to kill everyone myself and also god#and i was disabled before covid!!! it just made me fucking worse#i wish i had kept my imaging discs from my first mri that showed my super awesome herniated disks#i gotta wonder what they look like now especially that im worse off overall after 3 uh. whadaya callems. pitfalls. backfalls?#when it gets super worse again#im tired. im gonna eat my yogurt
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2024 art summary! it sure has been a year
#ever makes art#i bsky tweeted a bit but it feels weird talking there still so ill do my usual rambling into tags here :)c#i burned out super bad in the middle of this year for months where it felt like i couldnt draw anything good no matter how hard i tried#and the harder i tried the worst it felt - to the degree that i legitimately thought i wasnt going to be able to draw anything again#which sounds SO dramatic i know i know. but feelings arent always rational!!! and so many others things were going wrong at the same time#so it was strange putting together this year's art summary and realizing Huh. i did still have paintings to put in every space#that fear/anxiety spiral seems even sillier and more meaningless now that i have distance and proof of how irrational it was...#...but in reflection i'd like to think of it as proof that even when you feel at your worse it's worth it to keep trying...!!#after the Black Hole of Nothing i've been working every day on never ending doujin and xv anthology and orv sketchzine and merch#i can't say that i feel my artistic skills have like. improved or anything... but the passion i feel for the stories i read and#the stories i want to tell is still there!! and the happiness from getting to put form to those feelings large or small is worth it too#anyway......... lotta words to say tho i haven't posted much anymore and socmed is imploding and the world is dark#thank you very much for staying with me another year. i am - as ever - always grateful
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"Jason was the happy robin" this, "jason was the angry robin" that. Let's all be fully honest here Jason was the lonely robin
#It gets worse the more i think about it aiguaoughhh#they pretty much retconned the people he was close to before the crisis. he only interacts with dick like once or twice#ive never seen him with barbara#he had no team#in terms of school he had rena(?) and then 3 friends that show up in an annual and never again#and obviously with the whole secret identity it hardly can be a close friendship. esp with how little theyre shown#in terms of super friends he had Danny and Kid Devil. which. one is mentioned off hand and theyre never seen together#and the other is from a short story and never brought up again#alfred has his praises sung but we never really see him connect with jay#all he had was BRUCE. and the only way to ever be with bruce is to be robin#is it really any wonder he chased after his mother? is it any wonder who chose to trust someone he hardly knew?#dc liveblog#jason todd#i feel so bad for him all the time for forever#ive just started reading comics after his death but before his resurrection. the hallucination jason era#and its seems to be shaping up to be with him written as the angry robin who never listened#which i Know is because of the writers. but in universe? it just feels like jason wasnt understood or known at all#doylist vs watsonian moment as they say#dc comics#batman comics#and he became a symbol of failure to batman So Quickly. not a memory but a reminder#and every trophy from his time as robin was taken out of the batcave. and every moment as jason was removed from (at least) bruces room#he was on call/on a list as a backup titan if they needed help but he wasnt With them. they teamed up twice#i cant remember if he meant it towards blood specifically or in general rn but he fully admitted to not being good/experienced enough#they didn't really know him and he didn't really know them#wait fuck was rena all pre-crisis. devastating. he stopped going on patrols n being robin for awhile when she was his gf#of course by then he was already A Hero who cant fully ignore how he can help so he eventually was like yeah we should stop a little#obviously there was that catwoman arc going on and i feel writers just liked keeping him away alot. but ough. he was so quick to stop when#there was someone There. and robin didn't have ti feel like all he had#anyway crisis got rid of her im sure. like harvey. when does 'pre and post crisis' actually start bc its not at the crisis its issues after
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It's infinitely humorous to me how, in 2025, we're still having conversations and discussions - discoursing, as the children say - about why Jason's on screen death matters more than any of the other on screen deaths within the Bat comics.
A Death in the Family was the end of the road for Jason. He was meant to die and stay dead. This is rare for comic book characters because the medium is serialization taken to its (il)logical extreme. Removing a character from the chess board is a waste. There's always something Deeper^TM.
Not with Jason.
That bitch was dead and he was supposed to stay dead.
The only other Robin who died and was meant to stay dead was Stephanie. And let's be fucking real here - most of you do not care about that girl. You're not thinking about her, you're thinking of your favorite Batboy. And that's fine!! But let's not kid ourselves here.
There's a million reasons why Jason's death is a cut above most other deaths in the Batfam that we can discourse endlessly about but the main one - the one that truly matters, imo - is that he died was supposed to stay that way.
A Death in the Family was supposed to be his curtain call. It is not cruel or callous to say that that was not the case for your Blorbo.
I can imagine that some JT stans are being cruel and callous when they say that, but then again, a lot of Batstans are being cruel and callous when they say Jason's death wasn't that big a deal and he needs to get over it. They're being cruel and callous when they compare their faves' on screen death to his, as if they werent gonna get their fave character back within six months to a year, tops. That their fave wasn't gonna slot their way back into their spot in the narrative, as if they never left.
And, if I may,.it's honestly fucked up to high heavens that some of y'all are okay with the writers killing off your fave for cheap character drama just so you can lord it over JT stans. I know most of y'all don't think of it that way, but how else am I supposed to see that?! You talk about a potentially traumatizing event as if it's just some kind of Gotcha you can use to shut up people you don't like.
Friend, that's fucked.
Anyway, I've said what I needed to say. I don't expect y'all to care for my Blorbo the way I do cause that's not how that works. But can we exercise the baring hints of critical thinking?!
I'm begging.
#Jace speaks#Jason Todd#Batsalt#Today's rant brought to you by someone typing an essay about how cruel it is for JT stans to minimize the impact of the other Bats...#...on screen deaths for their specialest goodest boy#Not realizing that they themselves are being a apecial kind of cruel and callous by acting as is a character being dead for less than a...#...a yeah is the same as one being dead for almost twenty#Y'all hate to admit it but 90% of on screen deaths are done with the intent of being reversed#It's as I said in the post - cheap character drama#Jason dying was not cheap character drama#He was not meant to leave that grave#DC spent almost 20 years making sure we knew that he deserved to be there#Shit#Tim Fucking Drake as a character was created to double down on Jason's death being permanent#Is it any fucking wonder that a wtiter got the genius - gag - idea to have them do the vigilante/super hero version of...#...a Denny's parking lot fight to the death?!#Idk#Once again I am preaching to the choir#I only expect my fellow JT kinnies to get this#Cause the other side of this is that DC turned Jason into a character that easy to hate#They greenlit stories of being callous and cruel to not only the Bats#But to other heroes within the community#Post UtRH they literally went I can make him worse#AND PROCEEDED TO DO JUST THAT#Is it any wonder that other Batstans don't hold any empathy for him?!#The narrative spent 20 years victim blaming him for his death#And then spent another 5 to 10 post res doubling down on it#It's fucking diabolical when you think about it#So like#I'm gonna stop now
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🐮
#@ comment directed to me in a tag. i have not talked abt them anywhere publicly but if u were deep enough in the paint in 2020ish theyre#like not super surprising. i think i wanna get back around to the trolls in my reread (so itll b a while) before i say anthing solid#just so i can go in w intent to pay closer attention again but like#overall have a low opinion on most the troll boys insofar as i see that the narrative seems to also not care for them. they seem to exist#to serve narrative purposes & end up discarded when no longer relevant. ie they dont end up very interesting and thus i view#many fans with suspicion when they have 'boys disease' ie having an outsized focus on the boys of the story despite hs being by the end#an extremely female dominated text with a lot to say about masculinity as an opressive force#tavros and gamzee are the biggest bugbears here (only really beaten out in eyebrow raising by cronus and the male dancestors)#on account of fans of them often downplaying gamzee's misogyny that is core to his role as a charismatic cult leader (or worse#sending trans women death threats when they made the factual assesment that gamzee was written to be a weird misogynist calling it#character assassination etc. man 2020 was wild.) tavros mostly just ends up being an accessory to this crime tbh. though his genuinely#complicated relationship w vriska oft being flattened to villify vriska + an inability to actually read what tavros Says...#like. if you get rid of tavros' quirk. stammering and all. and read his lines. he's kind of fucking rude? and yeah its alternia they all ar#but i have my hesitancies wrt how people seem to infantilise him (a disabled character) to the point of ignoring his dialogue and flaws#when one of tavros' core conceits (u can argue if this is . like. something hussie should have stayed out of. like its not their lane) is#that shitty ppl online will be assholes but will be allowed to get away with it due to unrelated disability. which like. it was 2010 ig#but this is hit upon again with mituna being distinctly a 4 channer with real brain damage and speech issues & all his friends letting him#get away with shit he still clearly has the cognitive capacity to know is wrong. its very messily handled but. i dont rlly like tavros ig.#will b amazed if tumblr doesnt eat these tags i went on wayy too long. but im not putting this in plaintext for obvi reasons#lucabytereads
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actually crashing out, vent in tags
#been planning this xmas party w my friends for a month#my mom got super into and we’re cooking a bunch of food for it#well we talked about what movie to watch and a couple of friends said the shining#didnt wanna watch that#thats not a christmad movie#but i was under the impression we never agreed to a movie#so i bring it up three weeks later#and my friend gets pissed at me for changing the movie#when we never agreed to one in the first place#like it’s my fucking party i think i should have some say#so we finally agree to home alone#and i think everything is fine#then i get a text today#saying we need to start at 10 instead of 11#because one of my friends#has to fucking work tomorrow at 3#i start crashing out#bc this shit has been making me so anxious#and this just made it worse#i want to cancel the party but i cant#my mom already spent a bunch of moneh#they want to fit in a 3 hour board game and im like#when are we gonna have fucking time for that#jesus#so i’m pissed at two of my friends#my best friend has apologized to me for them#love him so much thanks pookie#anyway#been cleaning the house to prepare for these stupid idiots#i don’t think i’m ever hosting anything ever again
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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Question for the girlies how do we feel about the bra being visible (for my short n sweet outfit)
#when i see other girls wearing tank tops with their bra straps showing im like oh they look cute!!#when i see it on myself im like is this trashy 🤨#ive been buying and returning this one strapless bra for months#trying to get one that fits#the one i have now is a little too big in the cups#and i dont have time to return it and get a new one again#and its a nude color and shows under my arms#and it stretches the top out more and i think looks definitely worse than this bra that fits showing a little more#im also looking at those super cropped lo g sleeve shrugs#so it will cover my shoulders more but not hide the top#and the other option is a sticky bra pr tape#which ive never used before and do not feel confident in their effectiveness on my body 😭#im leaning towards this and a shrug#how do we feel about that
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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.
#I once made a joke to my students that even though I never worked out I was always mentally lifting weights#in the gym of my own mind.#and it’s been such a helpful metaphor#not to make an outrageous statement here or to overestimate how smart I am (often not very smart at all!)#but just. my brain gets use. it gets exploration. it has been honed.#if it had an embodied form (other than my body) yeah! it would be lifting weights!#and/or doing gymnastics lol (for a zeitgeist-y metaphor)#(actually I am legit so good at mental gymnastics)#but ANYWAY the point is: the metaphor struck me because it highlighted how little my brain gets a break#and again—it’s not all worthwhile or deep or insightful or GOOD. a lot of it is useless or downright silly mental activity#but it IS activity. it is mental motion. day in day out. and it is so so so so so so so hard for me to give my brain a break#or even know how to do that#and I am absolutely tearing mental muscles and getting whatever it is athletes get when they work out too hard#or too strenuously#to extend the metaphor to the limit#and I need !!!!!!! a rest day#vacations are almost worse tbh. I feel like I hit this point a lot in the summer#because school forces me to think about things but actually much more helpfully it forces me to stop thinking about things#and do something else. it’s thinking on a schedule lol#and so the breaks are just built-in#but on my own I’ll just go go go go go and fall down every rabbit hole and chase my own tail#and it’s so tiring#anyway it hit me the other day that I could actually set limits for myself#like I was thinking about something in the shower (as you do) and it was stressful#and then I was like you have until the end of the shower to think about this and then you have to stop#and it was super helpful. I need to do that more. but yeah.#I don’t know how to give myself a rest day because who knows what will set the brain off#I also Know it wouldn’t be as bad if it wasn’t all interwoven with anxiety. but anixey is very deeply interwoven with how my brain works#so stressfully going down a million thought paths#ANYWAY !!!!! it is 1;41 am and I can’t sleep!!!!!!!
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you ever scroll past some sort of discourse that you didn't even know existed, and you have to take a second and realize that, while none of us are superior to others, some of us ARE much better at choosing which dumbass hills to die on? because I think sometimes you deserve to go 'huh. at least I'm not getting involved in all that'.
#well idk i'm still wasting time typing this out but that's marginally less embarrassing as an outsider than the people arguing about it#tw abuse mention in tags#so APPARENTLY!!!#enneagram mbti people are complaining about enneagram 7s being predisposed to being manipulative (?)#someone's like 'my sister was a 7w8 and neglects her kids' like jesus christ i don't think her enneagram is why she does that?#saying this as someone who LOOSELY AND UNSERIOUSLY enjoys mbti/zodiac/boxes to put my blorbos into:#these people are just doing the zodiac but for people who think they can armchair diagnose others they dislike with cluster b disorders#like congrats you made it worse and combined it with pseudopsychology to make some hellish ableism amalgamation#and it was already stupid to begin with but man you really took it up to 100#like we do realize that this is all fake. right. this isn't an actual psychological profile.#and taking it seriously has worrying implications? and you cannot judge someone based on anything but their behavior?#like again i get having fun with these things as little categories. my autistic ass loves sorting things into categories.#i will give my blorbos full star charts for 6 hours. yay categories.#but with the caveat that it's unserious and for funsies and not at all an actual representation of any human being?#like when i say 'i'm such a taurus lol' or whatever i'm not actually under the impression that it dictates my actual personality?#it's all confirmation bias anyways. people see what they want out of this kind of thing#like yeah i'm kinda lazy and i like food and self indulgence but. that's probably like half of the. idk. virgo population or whatever too#i think those are just things that most human people enjoy unless you're one of those super ambitious go-getters who never slows down#same goes for every other trait. curiosity? emotion? stubbornness? logic? those are just things that most people have in some capacity
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Ep 5!!!
#Episodes that make me go “The author has never talked with a woman ever” 😓😓😓#I don't like how Lucy's character is handled at all. And I feel like I can't talk about it because I'm just going to sound like a bitter–#ss/kk shipper... But I really don't like it. And if it can help my case I'm a multishipper so I really don't take any–#issues with atsu/lucy I like the ship quite a lot actually.#So you're telling me there's this girl... Who meets this boy who pretty much ruined her life by directly causing her to lose her job...#And the next time she sees him she's going to sacrifice her own freedom for him as well as tell him “when you're done doing your things–#come and save me” (longest ewwww ever)... And when she regains freedom (author didn't bother to explain how because they don't care)–#she goes to work... As a waitress at the café beneath his workplace. So he can keep doing his Cool Superpowers Job while she literally–#must serve him every time he visits the place. It's just ?????????????????????????????????#Look‚ I don't dislike Lucy and I feel general affection towards her. It's just that they make her act like no one ever would#Just for the sake of the plot I guess#And like I knoww it's (probably just a little) more nuanced than that. I know Lucy is living her own fairy tale fantasy.#It's just that what I've said about her story is still true‚ you know?#I'm sorry but as sweet as atsu/lucy can be. I really hate the author for making Lucy a waitress. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.#It's so weird. This anime has women writing standards that feel like dating back to the 20s#Same with Katai and the ideal woman tbh. Like why are women to be seen as this abstract impersonal entities? Why can't they just be people?#Ideal for WHO. It's like super screwed up of a concept. What even is an ideal woman? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?#They just want to say “ideal wife”. But women aren't made to be wives their existence isn't functional to another person.#Sorry. I derail. Next episode is going to be even worse on this front ughhhh#Back to the episode: once again it really shows they were running out of budget with this season‚‚‚ the animation looks very suffered#Too many flashback also... I feel bad for the animators tbh#I don't really like the shift in art style :( Not even Atsushi I found particularly pretty this episode my heart cries#The nail pulling thing made me feel like throwing up afhsjyabfsbfwasfvb I feel like I can bear worse gore but there's a couple of little–#specific things I can't stand and this seems to be one of them pffftttt#I like Higuchi I think she's both very funny and cool. I really wish she was explored more (but then again looking at Teruko... )#The relationship between Kunikida and Katai looks so interesting even though we only get glimpses of it. Kunikida regrets Katai leaving–#the ada but is also happy for him but also worries for him. He comes to his house seemingly to check on him and starts cleaning around.#The way he loves him and cherishes their friendship and shared history is really evident and it makes for a compelling dynamic.#Perhaps I should read their short story... In any case. Going to someone's house and compulsively start doing the dishes half out of will–#to help out half because he can't bear the mess sounds a lot like something I'd do lol
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me: time for my once in a week check of what tumblr thinks i'd like and is gonna show me in the 'for you' tab
the second post in the 'for you' tab: someone calling people 'degenerates' for shipping crimes
oh. alright.
#.txt#you can picture me scuttling away at the speed of light#honestly idk if it's better or worse than when tumblr for some reason thought i'm super into pi/s/s kink#(gotta write it like that lest it gets ideas again)
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so many things about selling online are so complicated now and maybe I’m just too overwhelmed to really understand it but either way it boggles my mind and makes me constantly terrified I’m gonna Do Something Wrong so my old storenvy has been perpetually closed for ages. I really don’t know what I’m gonna do with all that old stuff from cons I used to sell at years ago.
like I’d sell it online but I’d have to limit where I am able ship to bc the EU’s new GPSR requirements are an extra layer of things im not even sure how to go about following, as well as the VAT issues that already existed. It would’ve been different if Brexit hadn’t happened but. Well.
it’s sucks tho bc it means I can’t really offer my things to anyone in the EU, or N. Ireland either I think. Storenvy doesn’t actually let you remove regions from the shipping options tho so I would probably have to raise the shipping price to something stratospheric instead.
idk if I’d ever be able to sell at cons again and even then this is all old stock I need to offload and if I sold at cons I really ought to make new stuff. But I have like. Barely any money to pay all the bills and afford food rn it’s getting very close. So there’s no way I can afford ordering a bunch of merch and a table spot and all the other stuff, esp if it might not even sell
sometimes I feel a bit like I have a wall around my brain keeping me from being able to Understand everything I need to understand and it makes me feel so very out of my depth lmao
#I should probably just open commissions again now that i can draw with my ipad to make art#my old sheet probably could do with updating tho it was a bit busy#Sometimes it’s like. Well we couldn’t afford food today which is going to happen for a bit rn#Since my dad got fined for driving without insurance (it had expired the previous day) and he doesn’t really have the means rn#To pay for the insurance cover. My uncle used to pay it bc it used to be his car that dad was just borrowing#but then he gave dad the car proper and shifted the insurance and stuff to him and this is the first year he had to pay it#so it got a bit confused as to when the cover was up and how to go about it#I don’t Want to beg for donations when things get super tight bc there are so many ppl in far worse situations and I can like. Live I guess#But man. It has me constantly on edge bc it’s only one big enough inconvenience away from genuinely being a major problem
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internet not big enough...saw what is unmistakably his art style and felt like vomiting. it's crazy how someone can continue to poison you even after years of being blocked.
#delete later#I'm starting to spiral. remembering how fucking manic and manipulative and selfish he was.#i hate my past self so bad for not being more firm about my boundaries. for not telling him to fuck off. i deleted so many times.#and he just kept coaxing me into remaking. always saying that it was up to me...but never shutting the fuck up about it until I came back.#did he feel good for love-bombing a bad artist? why did I accept his fake ass affection even though he was super shitty and gross & chaotic#I deleted those art folders years ago but i cant make my own memories go away. i feel disgusting when i think about him.#i feel like i cant breathe and im scared he'll use his own clout against me again to get what he wants until its not fun and then lash out#I know it's irrational but the fear always remains. I hated a lot of preds in that fandom and didnt want the platform or exposure.#I live by the block button still. I don't trust new people still. I hide still. I fucking hate him and myself for enabling his tantrums.#It's not just a bad friendship breakup...he had actual power and influence over everything i did and lied about who he was.#yeah im still scared#I've been doing really well this year about not thinking about him but like#i still dont want to make or post art for that fandom because it makes me panic that hes gonna do some crazy shit or find me or something#im barely even embarrassed by how annoying i used to be because the fear of him lashing out is so much worse#BUT ITS GONE! HES GONE! SO WHY AM I STILL SO FUCKING AFRAID OF WHAT HES GOING TO DO OR SAY IF I POST NEW ART
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