#when i was 14 i was like i am going to do things for myself

[darlingdaisyfarm]

You know I've been meaning to ask.. is everything okay? I mean your pfp is blank. I understand you're uploading, but I also want to make sure you're okay

idk if i have some mental connection with you, anon, because how else i can explain that you sent this ask right when i felt so bad??? but yeah i should really put a pfp, i just can’t choose the right pic and at same time im lazy….

honestly i promised myself i wouldn’t vent online and irl because i don’t wanna be annoying or be the kind of person people get tired of. but i guess i just feel emotional rn sorry again

well 2025 kinda kicked me in the face already LMAO, it already reminded me that some people will always pick someone else and some things are just not meant to be yours. i just got reminded once again that i’m super replaceable to person i really loved and cared about. so now im realising that i was just there to pass the time until they found smth better, someone better. and they did, they did and that’s just unfair for me, i literally loved this person for 10 years and that's how i ended up

not exactly the fresh start i was hoping for lol

been feeling like a ghost in my own life lately so i guess i made this blog to just be somewhere, to talk to people, to share things i love, to feel like i exist in some small way. to find friends? idk. sometimes i wonder if i’m just taking up space here, but deleting this blog feels dramatic so whatever. although i thought bout this a lot and still think about it, but i guess im just being... yeah, dramatic, i mean i am, ive been told. so, i don't know, deleting feels rude ? and i don’t wanna be rude, i hate being rude :( i still hesitate every time i post though. and i don’t want to be that person who craves reassurance but damn, it gets lonely and im embarrassed to even say that rn

+ last year drained me so much that i couldn’t even start anything for a whole month. its about my work, i just felt stuck, exhausted before i even tried. things are getting better now with my work, though. it’s actually tied to people and honestly, i love that?? i mean, i love people very much. in general. so whenever i meet someone kind or understanding in my work, it lifts my mood

but when it comes to writing or fics, i feel like i’m always fighting myself. actually i enjoy writing, ive been writing since… 14? 13? so i try, i push through, but nothing ever feels right lately. i don’t know if it’s just a phase or if this is how it’s always going to be. why i always feel like i could’ve done better or that maybe i shouldn’t have posted at all

anyways….. i don’t usually post stuff like this. i really don’t want to be like this, i hate sounding so negative, i really do. i promised myself i wouldn’t. i usually just keep things to myself, but you seemed like you genuinely cared, sweetheart and i figured i might as well be honest, i appreciate your worry! thank u sm angel! ♡

[gday-gecko]

EEEEEEEEEE I AM AMAZING (said with modesty) AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE

i bound a book!!! from scratch!!! :DD

i got sick of the godawful formatting in tfc so i reformatted it and printed it (which i was only able to do bc we finally got a new printer lol)

all those videos on yt and tt use so much equipment but it's all a lie. the only thing i bought was stuff to make the cover (fabric, card, end papers)

im actually so proud of myself tho like i wasn't expecting it to look good- obvi it's not as good as the other ones out there but i reckon it was pretty alright for a first go

progess pics :) + what i did:

the paper i printed on was 70gsm and 28 sheets per section (7 a4 pages, 14 pages when folded) ALSO do NOT print in booklet formatting from word BC it messes it up (i learnt that the hard way ;-;)

i put holes with a thumbtack at 2cm, 5cm, 7cm, 9.5cm, 11.5cm, 14cm, 16cm, 19cm and used a wool needle to sew them. i probably should've pressed them before sewing them together coz it would've been tighter but oh well. next time.

my book press was 2 wooden chopping boards and some clamps. + put paper on the inside so it doesn't stick to the boards. idk if using baking paper wouldve stuck less, but when you take it off, u gotta kinda pull it off from the back.

i couldn't find my spatular so i used my finger to spead the glue which wasn't very efficient but it got the job done

i found some non-stretchy cotten and stuck some kind of iron on back into it to make it thicker.

the little things at the top and bottom of the spine was just a strip of fabric folded over a toothpick and glued together. also i used my ruler to make folds and smooth stuff out

anyway i think it's really cool and i'm definitely gonna do it for the other 2 :D

[emmg]

sending this anon bc im shy and about to be deranged in ur inbox but i just wanted to say thanks for sharing your Emmrich doesn’t realize he’s a sugar daddy au bc not only is it genuinely delightful (its probably my favorite thing currently updating on ao3, I’m printing out every update grinding it into a powder and snorting it, it consumes almost all of my waking thoughts), but it also has me thinking about a swapped version where Emmrich assumes that rook wants a sugar daddy, someone to bankroll her life while she gets her phd, buy her nice things and pretty clothes, take her to fancy restaurants. (And he’s willing bc this Emmrich is 27% lonelier and 14% less well adjusted and he 100% catches serious feelings almost immediately but tells himself that everything will be fine.) When really rook just wanted to fuck her friends hot PHD supervisor but omg he’s actually really sweet and now they’re dating and in love and he’s totally going to propose when she graduates, he only pays for everything bc he’s a gentleman and he buys her clothes for their dates bc she’s not familiar with the restaurant dress codes.

Will I ever write it? Alas, no I shall not bc I can’t pin down the details or decide what direction i want to take it. (How does the misunderstanding begin? How does it last so long? What does Emmrich tell himself to convince himself that he’s not really taking advantage of her? Is it okay because its not like he’s paying her rent, only buying her pretty things and taking her places, is her phd position payed and she has scholarships? Is it bc she approached him? Has rook begun to wonder why she is always the one to take things to the next level, or does she think he’s just a gentleman who’s letting her set the pace? (it is her first serious relationship after all, but why isn’t he responding to her subtle hints that she want to get married and have kids pretty soon after she graduates?) What does Emmrich think is gonna happen when she graduates? does he think she'll end it amicably, a clean break where they never have to see each other again? Or is he preparing to stick it out as she strings him along until she find someone she wants to date for real this time? Is he continuing as normal until he can’t pretend anymore or is he ramping up the princess treatment in a last ditch effort to make her stay just a little bit longer?)

All I know is that it 100% blows up in their faces spectacularly and I am rotating it in my head 24/7

When I tell you I absolutely inhaled this. I mean I practically unhinged my jaw and swallowed it whole. And now I’m just sitting here, seething with jealousy, wondering why the hell I didn’t think of something this disgustingly perfect myself.

You said you wouldn’t write it, but listen: I need you to. If you ever do, you better tag me immediately, because I’ll be sprinting at full speed, ass-first on a warhorse, ready to gorge myself like a famished beast.

Emmrich was just made to be a sugar daddy ok. He wants to take care of peopleeeee

[ramayantika]

Mummy: aisa kasam se hum jab tile chatt vale ghr pe rehte uske baad se kabhi aise halat mein nahi raha hai

And that was enough to push me down a spiral of wtf I am what am I doing and why am I doing

[witchinatree]

making a list of my favorite quote/ones that stuck with me from each season 1 episode because i feel like it

(i'm starting this after episode 4 but it will be a WHILE before i post it)

episode 1: "bones are a lie peddled by Big Milk" - alice

i love this one because it's a great introduction to alice i think. also it radiates spiral so i hope we get avatar alice not dead alice (isnt there a podcast called alice isnt dead?)

episode 2: "If I wanted to clear the canvas, I would have used turpentine." - statement

this one was just fucking powerful and caught me so off guard like 😶

episode 3: "What would I do without her?" - statement

the norris statement <3 it feels like martin asking what he would do without jon which makes mag200 a lot sadder and i love them

episode 4: "Perhaps you shall prove a stronger will than I, and will yet find it within yourself to destroy this hungry thing of wood and cat-gut." - statement

augustus sighting #1 and we immediately get jonah magnus expressing that it may be possible for gwen bouchard unknown family member to overcome the eye's hunger spooky violin

episode 5: "Voyeur needs to be seen to be believed." - statement

i feel like this one is pretty reflective of how the seasons gonna go? like if you explain the events of tma (mag200 specifically) no one's gonna believe you, it must be seen to be believed!! and also seen!! like the eye!!!

episode 6: "Not sca- This isn’t some poxy blood test, some little pinprick, this is hundreds, thousands of razor sharp points pushing into your flesh." - needles

i love needles so much and i thought this was really funny because it was like "you dont find me scary!! what the fuck!!!" just kind of toddler michael energy

episode 7: "It’s not like we’re wrestling with tape recorders and manila folders." - celia

STOP IT. celia you can't say that you just cannot!!!!!! you Know™ too much maam i cant with you

episode 8: "Pleasure to meet you both. I’m Gerry!"

RAGHHHHH OH MY GOD GERRY!!!! i love him so much and idk how to handle him being alive in the tmagp universe!! gertrude too but idk we got so much of her in tma and not nearly enough of gerry

episode 9: "And honestly, it’s kind of compelling by this point." - sam

they got him 😔😔 the horrors got sam 😔😔 also i found this to be an interesting contrast to jon's heavy resistance in season 1 like he was being compelled but he wasn't going to let anyone know that vs sam "its kinda compelling to trauma dump on this paperwork :]" how is he somehow even more victim material

episode 10: "Gosh you’re sexy, here’s a twenty for your trouble.” - alice

does this count as a quote if shes also quoting what she thinks sam should say? idk anyway i love her i would say that to her if given the chance and it was very silly. i will not be addressing bonzo i am scared.

episode 11: "...Thank you, Alice" - gwen

dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard dyhard. okay also, the way she CRUMBLED at the idea of anyone doing anything nice for her please someone give her a hug and let it be ME. this series is tossing me back and forth between sam & alice (what is their ship name) and dyhard but this put me back to dyhard

episode 12: "You know it's rude to have absolutely no game?" - alice

she's so fucking funny i need her to be okay so badly!!!! i don't think even tim made me laugh as much as she makes me chuckle and this one really got me. it's hard to write such a comedic character in a podcast since you only have the voice but they really nailed it i adore her

episode 13: "Is it my fault?" - gwen

each of these episodes just reveal a little bit more about how loving and soft gwen is and idk i love her so unbelievably much so seeing that she felt guilt about the bonzo stuff just made her so much more real :(

episode 14: "Christ, they’re in the walls…" - statement

theyre in the walls!!! theyre in the goddamn walls!!!!! anyway that got me because i realized the hole before the statement said it. made more sad than scared tbh

episode 15: "Babies are cool!" - alice this entire interaction between her and sam & celia was so awkward, she is so obvious and i love her anyway

episode 16: "It’s not like I was holding doors open for Mr Bonzo or anything." - gwen my wife is so so so stupid but i adore her AND this gives room for character development. i wish she did not do that though. i love when characters are flawed and have depth but i struggled to get past THIS flaw of hers

episode 17: "Thanks, I guess. Not exactly the same, though, is it?" - celia shes talking TO JON IN THE COMPUTER. SHE KNOWS. i lost my damn mind i love her i love her. get the gay people out of the puter please queen

episode 18: "Why would I need to talk to you? Your work is satisfactory. Unless you have a work-related issue I could assist you with?" - lena solidified my opinion that lena is the best boss to ever have, i adore her and i would want to work for her if she wasn't the boss of Creepy Establishment #1

episode 19: "You’re going to throw it in the fishtank, aren’t you?" - alice colin's behavior is like really worrying BUT i'm glad he's back. i was not convinced he was still alive

episode 20: "I suppose it’s too late for remorse, isn’t it? And why should I be sorry? This is what I deserve!" - ink5oul/statement they reminded me of jon a lot, like especially his season 3/4 transformation when he doesn't quite know everything but he knows he isn't who he was in season 1 anymore, i hope we see more of their life and they can be helped :(

episode 21: [Tape Recorder Bites Ink5oul] - audio description i know it's not technically a quote but this is just so fucking funny. why does it have teeth. what does this mean for the lore. holy shit.

episode 22: "Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood" - celia. knawing at the walls of my enclosure i am so not okay. i'm not okay. wtf. wtf. wtf. they're real. wtf.

episode 23: "I had a favorite mug. It said “love you, bitch” and had a picture of a drunk dog on it." - alice. okay i just love this entire interaction because gwen got to open up a little bit and my dyhard heart is so full

episode 24: "I am told that children like me, and I’ve always held the opinion that the world would be a better place if everyone just thought more." - basira. once again this whole interaction was so fun but like idk i loved hearing basira somewhat happy and in a safe place :] my wife <3

episode 25: " I am trying to help, to save us from this goddamned fucking nightmare machine!" - colin. MAN I REALLY WAS ROOTING FOR YOU!!! I WAS SO CONFIDENT YOU WEREN'T GONNA DIE!!!! it's over

episode 26: "I was worrying for a moment that you were Magnussing." - alice. MAGNUSSING BEING CANON MADE ME SAY IT EVEN MORE I'VE SAID IT LIKE TWICE ALREADY

episode 27: "You didn’t tell me the room was labelled, “Archivist.”" - celia. oooooh somebody's got TRAUMAAAAA LMAO

episode 28: "So you’re telling me you know nothing about an OIAR external contract being found with the bodies of two tattooed thugs who met rather grisly ends?" - TREVOR HERBERT???? anyway. ink5oul mention!!!!! i hope they stop killing people it's really rude

episode 29: "Alice, er… we’ve got to talk. It’s important." - teddy. i knew it was over for him but i didn't think it was gonna be THIS bad??? bye babe i guess??? 😭

episode 30: how do i even pick. the whole fucking episode. i can't. i am in a state of shock. i need to lay down for 30 years.

[aeolianblues]

pop stars aren't born in the 70s anymore like they used to be. These days they're born in a year uncomfortably close to my own which makes me clutch my chest and cry out

[dearest-meat-mutt]

“Why are you hiding your phone? You shouldn’t have any you’d want to hide on your ph-“ I get that but have you considered that I do not want to hear you ask about anything that I have on my screen? Like hi mom, oh this? This is a just fan-drawn image of Kim Kitsuragi from hit political, psychological, detective video game, Disco Elysium, on hit website Tumblr.com. No, I have not played the game before. No, I don’t think I will. No, I don’t think it has a lot to do with discos. No, I do not know what Elysium means. Yes, I actively sought out this image. Yes, I like this character. No, I didn’t draw it. Why did I look for images of this character? I just think he’s…neat, and I’m still trying to figure out if I wanna play this game. Yeah, I know to be careful on the internet. Yeah, ik most of your thoughts and opinions on politics and video games and art and Asian men. I do not particularly care. I am aight with politics. I do like video games. I like all art, yes, including anime and also before mentioned video games. I do like most men significantly and equally. I do know this is ironic given that I dress like a butch lesbian. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, though. Yes, it is regarded as a good game. No, I do not know if it’s a good game by your standards. I have Not played this game. Yeah, my battery is at 46% but I’ll charge it later. Yeah, the art style is “interesting”. No, the person who drew it is not my friend. Yeah, I like this artist. No, I don’t think I would recommend this fanartist’s work to you. Yeah, I like tumblr. No, I would NOT recommend getting a tumblr. For no reason in particular. Yeah, I can like and comment and reblog. Reblog means I showcase another person’s post on my own profile. It’s like Pinterest. I have lost over 15 years of my lifespan since we’ve started talking.

[very-uncorrect]

I'm gonna die one day oh my god holy shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck there's no afterlife oh holy shit fuck help oh my god no no no no no

[sophiethewitch1]

music from 2018 you are my mental health

[barnabybrainrot]

—-

[morningmask27]

I do sometimes find it really annoying that most of the things I do right now are At Least tangentially related to a trauma I lived through.

I am living in a university dorm right now, it's a very typical thing to do, but most people return to their family home during the weekends and only really stay in the dorms because they have classes in the week and having to go from their home to the classes, especially the 9 am classes, can be heavy if they live somewhat further away. I stay in my dorm the entire week. For Reasons I don't want to go back to my old home for longer than half a day to drop my laundry and leave with clean clothes, some food and a chat with my mother. I wouldn't feel good doing so anymore, but mentioning that is weird because most people (except internationals because going to a full on other country just for the weekend, every weekend, would be a bit dumb) return to their home (My dorm feels more like home to me right now than my old house did btw).

When I say I stay in my dorm people are somewhat confused, as it on its own already implies that something must not be that good at the familial home for me to not go there for the weekends. By the simple fact I don't go back it's already implied there is something wrong, and it's true, there Is something wrong, but I can't just start explaining the whole thing, it's not really appropriate for most conversations, and I simply don't want to open up about this part of my traumas. So I just have to quickly and very blatantly brush off that fact and the unpleasant implications to continue the conversation without making it awkward and it's so annoying.

Most of my weird trauma responses at least have the added thing that if I don't verbalize them nobody will really notice. I am good at hiding them, I kinda had to, but this dorm situation is such a blatant sign of something Weird (and not the good kind) that I cannot hide since my actions on their own imply a situation already.

I am somewhat good at dealing with all of these issues, brushing off The Problems is a typical part of normal conversations, but it does get frustrating sometimes when I get severely affected by something traumatic, and it's The Only reason that my problem happened, but I cannot talk about it in casual conversations because of how heavy and intense it is. I have to vaguely mention The Horrors (They Are Complex) and move on before I make my conversation partner uncomfortable. It happened when I had to miss a class because of a severe relapse in my mental health, it happens every time I mention I stay in my dorm the weekends, it happens whenever I get too jittery and weird because of stress (I don't even always know Why I am stressed) and I just cannot explain anything about the cause because it's too heavy for most people to hear. (I do understand that fact, it makes sense you're not going to tell classmates casually about the horrific stuff you went through in your personal life, but it fucking gets annoying when it is fully related to a situation and I have to Shut The Fuck Up anyway.)

It's just frustrating to me that I have to deal with all these Weird Things because of trauma, and everyone sees them, but I cannot explain where they come from truthfully because of how much they are. It's in this weird middle state where people See I am weird hurt, but they don't Know why. I do things differently for reasons they can assume are unpleasant, but I cannot ever truly explain everything to them.

[eggmeralda]

okay but I am genuinely so unwell about numbers and dates and ages and time and years etc. so I'm blaming all my bad luck on the number 23

[devotioncrater]

.

[florenceisfalling]

don't worry guys if you're ever in a bad place emotionally and seeking guidance some woman with an entirely different outlook on life than you will thrust shitty advice upon you whether you like it or not and then make you feel completely fucking awful about her wealth of wisdom that she is so genuinely convinced she has despite not having any idea . this will make the bad place so much more bad also

[longagoitwastuesday]

I guess I have to suck it up and admit that, yeah, despite myself, against my own wishes, I suppose I do love that damn Gojo Satoru guy after all

[snekdood]

bitches prolly out here psychoanalyzing my old art on behalf of my abuser to cushion their belief that im a Horrible Person but then dont see the irony when I point out the shitty things my abuser has drawn and how I see it as clear evidence of their mindset and beliefs (of what's okay to do and how to treat people) descending and pairing that along with everything else they've done and it paints a clear picture of how this person got to the point of thinking it was okay to abuse me the way they did and then the people looking for reasons to hate me through my art will act like "they're just drawings !!!" about their art. which one is it. does someones art say something about them or not? or does it only say something about them if you hate them?