#when I was half my current age
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#the darkling is right...? #alina starkov is like kill all the amplifiers for their sweet sweet power
She obviously needs to catch ‘em all to destroy the Fold. She’s just NOT strong enough to do so with no training, so gaining more power is the logical solution. She also never tried to permanently alter the Fold, and won’t until its complete destruction, so it’s plain to see she needs to gather more power first!
Watching episode 1 of Shadow and Bone season 2:
Okay, let me get this straight...
The protagonist, whom the narrative says is soooo good and pure and morally upright: is on a quest to kill a bunch of ancient sentient animals so she can steal their power.
The antagonist, who we are told again and again is SUPER evil: is freeing his people, who are being imprisoned and killed due to how they were born, and fighting against the oppressors.
The cognitive dissonance is killing me. I don't know if I can bring myself to watch more.
#narrator's voice:#'Indeed. She didn't connect shit...'#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#Shadow and Bone#02×01: No Shelter But Me#Alina Starkov#Morozova's amplifiers#The Darkling#General Kirigan#Grisha#grishanalyticritical#self centred and paranoid#I'm getting good at this.#But then again#I 'wrote' propagandist speech off the top of my head#when I was half my current age#so I'm good in twisting logic if I want.
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Cos I saw someone 'defending' their misuse of the dollblr tag after receiving an ask about it because 'other people do it' - this is why it's a fucking problem in the first place. It is against TOS. It is unrelated to your post, it is spam, and don't be surprised if everything you post gets reported.
Just because other people spam the tag too, doesn't magically excempt it from TOS or user guidelines. Like at this point I am straight up breaking this down to bare bones website operation here, what's so hard to understand? It's shit like this that literally degrades website quality because as you spread your crap over multiple tags that are accumulating like a goddamn snowball, people stop actually using those tags for the topic they were meant for. People stop posting. People leave. Welcome to dead internet.
It doesn't matter if you see other people doing it, rules are rules. There is a reason WHY tag spam is against the rules and that's to keep a website useable. Actual Dollbr-bloggers? Keep reporting guys.
#dollblr cleanup crew#dollblr#i was serious when i said I wake up every morning to pressure hose down tags#also the irony of them claiming people politely asking them to stop are narcissists#my dude ... please look up the definition of narcissistic#'I see what you're saying but actually I'm more important because excuse that doesn't make sense because it's against TOS anyway'#fandom discourse#you're just as bad as pornbots#i am old. i have watched the rise and fall of multiple social media platforms. i have watched the marching progression of enshittification#tumblr is the only social media that doesn't actually make my mental health worse and i will die on this hill#i won't let bad actors ruin everyone else's experience or mine#yeah i could have said this to them directly but 1. I am not the type to do targeted de-anonmyised callouts#2. conscious of the fact a lot of these coquette posters are literally half my age (15) and are minors#2.5 sidenote jesus christ please find a bettee niche than yeeting all your autonomy to men and glorifying your mental illness#your adult self will thank you#3. looking at current replies they got big 'lalala not listening' energy and having my own post means it is unavoidable and not eraseable
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Apologies to my coworkers but I got a book that they have an unofficial book club for and like. One of them really hyped it up and apparently it's popular on booktok right now so I was like oh sure I'll give it a shot! And six pages in and I simply cannae do this
#its every single trope that i devoured when i was#like. 13. girl that was half my current age#me seeing a ya dark fantasy love triangle between a good guy whos her best friend#and the dark broody villian who is basically the same guy#but just. meaner.#: i dunno suddenly i cant read#anyway im gonna go read a lesbian romcom about adults instead ❣️
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Well I'm glad that my brain has stopped trying to use social faux pas I made at age ten as proof that I'm a bad person and everyone actually thinks I'm a piece of shit human being and I should stop trying to be friends with people but it has moved on to using more recent social faux pas and stupid identity-based internet discourse to do the same thing and I don't think that's much better if I'm being honest
#spitblaze says things#at least the age ten shit doesnt make me want to isolate myself from my current friends bc i feel so shitty for hurting them!!!!!!!#shame isnt a reason to avoid shit we learned this freshman year of college when i was so ashamed of not turning in one assignment#that i didnt go to class for like half a quarter!!!!!!!!!!!#god. stop taking things personally dumbass#brain problemz#thatll be my new tag for complaining about my brain problems. blacklist it if you dont wanna see it but otherwise#yelling things into the not-void of tumblr is therapeutic somehow#the jewish instinct to kvetch i suppose
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#alia talks#turning 25 this month and I was having some semi existential crises this month#but I was thinking#when I was 18 I dropped out of [prestigious uni] half way thru first sem bc I couldn’t hack it#stayed T home and did community college for 3 years before transferring to [comparatively mid tier ranked] uni#I used to feel so much shame over it#And fear over whether or not I’d get a job move out etc#But now that I’m halfway thru my 20s I’ve been looking back#and as of right now I’m the only person in my family with health insurance#One of the things my parents used to warn me about was that by age 26 you cannot be in your parents insurance in the USA#So by that point I needed to have a full time job#And I used to be scared ghat I’d never make it#And now I’m a year away from 26#And I’m employed full time w health insurance coverage#Meanwhile both my parents are currently unemployed/self-employed#And most likely cannot ever get a full time job for [reasons]#And my younger sibs don’t have health insurance due to being uni students#(I mean they do through their college maybe)#Just that currently in my family I’m the only one with health insurance through my job#Something I was afraid I wouldn’t have at this age or something that I’d lose#And after nearly 7 years of having ShameTM over it
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There's an English class on Golden Age detective fiction being offered next semester but the prerequisite for it is the intro to literary study class required for all English majors (which I haven't taken because I'm in a hard STEM major and don't have much time for electives, which means that I have to be really picky with my electives and only go for stuff I like AND doesn't have an awful workload) and also even if I did have that prereq, I wouldn't be able to take the class because it's at the same time as one of my major reqs. And also I'll be in two labs next semester and one of them is pure hell so like I literally don't have the time to take more than 13 credit hours (as tempting as it is to keep up my streak of taking 17-18 every semester even though it's been like really pretty bad for my social life and hobbies). Sigh. (Pressing my hand wistfully against the glass) maybe someday they'll offer the class again
#.txt#at least i had a blast in my sci-fi class this semester#i don't talk about sf on this blog because that's what my secret main is for but guys i LOVE sf you should read more sf#i'm currently sitting at an a+ in that class and my professor has been giving me SUCH good feedback on all my assignments#he used one of my short essays as the class example (which has never happened to me before!)#and also asked if he could use my creative writing midterm project as an example for future classes#and on the last day of class he quickly went through some powerpoint slides recapping the class#and on one of them he had a drawing i submitted as part of a different creative assignment :)#also we read a book from one of my all-time favorite authors in that class AND he visited our class too which was absolutely insane#won't mention the author's name because his books comprise like half the posts on my main. i'm insaaaaane i'm craaaazyyy#currently trying to figure out which topic to write my final paper on but i will definitely be writing about that book#english classes are actually such a morale boost#the only reason i'm not an english major is because that would actually for real kill me#i'm good at writing essays but the process is actually agonizing and i'm a ridiculous perfectionist when it comes to writing#so combining that with poorly medicated adhd means that i almost never turn essays in on time#and spend way too long suffering over each one to make sure they're as perfect as i can get them to be (unattainable standard)#and then they also always end up going way over the word count#for my crime fiction class in the spring i wrote a 19-page final paper about decagon house when i only needed a minimum of 8#and i honestly could have written even more but i had to stop myself because the paper was already like 2 or 3 days late#and i had been staying up until dawn every night trying to finish it#so basically i can hardly handle having ONE english class#having to take multiple and turn in so many essays on a regular basis is a literal death sentence#i'm taking 2 upper level classes for my other major (haven't declared it yet though) this semester#and i have to write final papers for both of them :') and the instructions are super vague and they're due in a WEEK#one of them is SLIGHTLY more clear because i just need to write about the results of my research project#however. i was unfortunately only given 3 weeks (one of which was thanksgiving so basically i was only given 2)#to design and execute this whole project#and i got a little too ambitious (as i tend to do) and even though i ended up cutting out a lot of the stuff i wanted to do from the projec#it'll still definitely take ages to finish (conducted my experiments yesterday and spent 11 hours in that building. hell on earth)#and that's on top of needing to study for and take 3 final exams...
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had a dream that in percy jackson book 3 spider-man was there. as a character just as a total no bullshit crossover
#also in that dream i think jason todd was a half blood#this was when he was still robin age#and he got trampled by a bunch of middle schoolers in high school#also at the end of the dream annabeth and grover were going to dome sort of comic con#and asked if percy was nerd enough to go#do he sang a song to prove all his nerdness#and he wrote spider-man crossover fics#it was weird#my dream was literally just “combine your first fandom with your current fandom”
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Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost
*rant in the tags if y'all want*
#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately#and not a time nor place to cope#I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out#this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist#all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me#which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for#which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning#i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now#I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA#but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time#now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning#I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary#all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives#and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life#I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not#but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening#my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me#but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college#I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now#and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly
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I think I’ve said this before on here but. it really baffles and somewhat annoys me sometimes how people hear that a character is in their 40s-50s and immediately assume they should be weak or feeble or less attractive than they are. like. no. i think everyones just been brainwashed to think that attractiveness/health/worth is determined by how young someone is. why is it more understandable to view a teenager as more attractive and capable than a fit 40-50-something year old. kinda wack
#don’t get me wrong this isn’t to say that older characters shouldn’t show signs of aging#like obviously they should- though also keeping in mind here that people show aging vastly differently and throughdifferent lengths of time#ie; some people go grey in their 30s. some don’t go grey at all#and as for physical ability it just depends on a person’s routines and the life they’ve lead up to that point– a guy who’s been slumped over#a desk in a cubicle for 30 years isn’t gonna be as likely to maintain muscle as a lumberjack or a personal trainer#obviously I’m talking about ykz characters in this post and specifically kiryu/majima. mostly kiryu though really cause it’s more bizarre to#me to point him out as being Elderly and unrealistically fit and handsome for his age#like. becuase hes not even that old. he’s 54 currently and I see people saying stuff about him like this throughout the time he’s been in#his 40s to early 50s– like dude do you know that like. most of the famous actors you see in live action films are in their 40s-50s. this#isn’t the 1950s man. you can be 40 50 60 and look Not Elderly and have an active life. that’s the magic of modern medicine and technological#advancements. crazy I know#sorry ranting here I just always get so thrown off by this#admittedly I think it makes me feel weird when exaggerate their ages so much partly cause my own parents are smack in the middle#of kiryu/majima’s canon ages (1966) so I see like. literally every day what a person in their mid-50s is Like. and it’s not at all like the#weird feeble characature so many younger people in this fanbase have for them#I couldn’t view my mother- as she is right now (56)- as ‘elderly’ if I fuckin tried dude#and she’s not half as physically fit and active in her lifestyle as someone like fuckin kiryu or majima so. yeah#(she is still quite active but less in a Working Out sorta way and more in a gardening and yard work and goes to burning man sorta way)#(she’s a psychologist though so her job isn’t very physically active is my point- as opposed to someone who’s job is#physically active. you get it)#anyway sorry I need to stop talking vsncjdnd#rambling#yakuza#rgg
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In an ideal world, it would be a program for Deaf teachers, the government could even put it under vocational rehab if they wanted to! Unfortunately, even some Deaf schools don't employ many Deaf teachers and a lot of teaching jobs end up going to interpreters or just hearing & non-signing people instead. But you're right and I love what you said, we can hope 🩷
idk man. i just think itd be really cool if sign language classes were mandatory throughout primary school. yeah because it would make communication with deaf kids and autistic/nonverbal kids much easier. and those kids would be accessible to the others so they cold make friends and have healthy relationships. yeah. and kids would eat that shit up man. like their own little secret language? they love that.
#during the school year i teach under a program set up by a CODA which is awesome but it's not a government (public school) job#i have a few regulars at my primary job who work at the local Deaf primary school and none of them can carry much of a convo#they can probably sign at a 2nd grade level or so but that's really not enough#there's a decent residential school w Deaf teachers but that requires being willing to send your child away for like 9 months of the year#this turned into basically a rant at the current system 😅 sorry but yeah i think the first step to teaching sign language in primary school#is overhauling the current system for teaching Deaf students as a whole#some schools are decent at it but a lot of us end up in special ed with 2 rotating terps and missing half the day in speech therapy#or in a 'Deaf school' surrounded by hearies. the exceptions in the US are all in like MD KY CA and TX#even then it's specific areas of those states#i didnt meet a Deaf adult until i was 17. i didnt get into the community until i was 20.#Deaf teachers in Deaf schools=> proof of concept that being Deaf does not mean youre incapable of caring for students=>#Deaf teachers in hearing high schools as a language elective=> studies on d/D/HoH feelings of inclusivity with their peers who learn=>#Language elective starting in middle schools=> improved literacy rates in Deafies bc they have teachers who understand them at a younger age#=> primary school inclusion of sign languages in the curriculum starting in third grade=> studies on whether hearing kids need reading-#-skills to understand signed languages=> sign language in curriculum starting in first grade or ideally kindergarten#is kind of the funnel i'd imagine we'd see for optimal chances of having fluent teachers in primary education for hearing students#which would. take at least a couple of decades.#also if this sounds argumentative i dont mean it that way at all!! this is a dream for me but it needs to be done right.#and no one is going to fund it the right way without a fight. terps are great but outside of codas they arent native.#we need native speakers teaching our language or it gets twisted fast. even my favorite (/most fluent non-native speaker) terp-#-cant sign a simple word like cereal- she signs soup for both soup and cereal 😭#and she's been using asl since she was 12 and is almost 50 now. i love her to death and ive tried correcting her#but it wasnt reinforced that way when she was young and now it's ingrained in her.#anyway sorry op if you read all of this i know it was very much this is just something im really passionate about and i want to see happen#like youre so right and i love the fact that youre talking about it and that so many people agree i just have a lot of feelings about it#ALSO if you havent read them i highly recommend the books:#Forbidden Signs by Douglas Baynton#Everyone Here Spoke Sign Language by Nora Groce#and Introduction to American Deaf Culture by Thomas K Holcomb#(obv a usamerican POV but the middle one is relevant anywhere i think) for their insights on sign language teaching/integration
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I love having Thursdays off because I can’t get a single goddamn thing done if I tried
#i’m just going to tally for you all of the people that have disturbed me today#9am my neighbour giving me more red yarn for the community poppy thing#11ish; my stepdad seemingly just wanted to show up and be on his phone at someone else’s house#noon the post arrived#half past 12 the rington’s man showed up selling tea and biscuits (i bought triple chocolate cookies and shortbreads)#2pm my mooncat order arrived ahead of schedule (and none of it broken as far as i can see 🎉🎉🎉)#i’m currently wearing am i everything you fear? from the siren collection and it’s a bit lighter than expected but i still really like it#tried to get a picture but can’t do it justice#on me (pale as fuck but very warm toned skin) it looks like a blue to yellow to pink multichrome shimmer#3pm my meal kit box arrived#4pm my neighbour showed up AGAIN with knitting needles this time and i was like girl i have a ridiculous amount of knitting needles#DO NOT bring any more into my house or they will multiply#then my stepdad showed up again 10 minutes ago#i’m so tired#did i mention my tv’s been acting up all day?#the only things it’s let me watch all the way through with no problems have been two horror movies#one (baghead) was okay and the other (the relic) was dire#it acted up so bad when i was trying to watch the terror and then santa clarita diet that i just gave up#ended up watching the ricky gervais show instead#i literally was like ‘okay awesome i have a day off; i’ll binge a series i’ve been meaning to watch for ages’#and the outside world and also my tv simultaneously said FUCK your binge#at least my nails are done#personal
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post-ph rn feels like that image of a horse drawing thats half impeccable and half scribble with how im whittling down the first bit with the possession recovery and the basic group dynamic and most of the early/foundational stuff and anything beyond that is a big uuuhhhhhh
#also i cant stop thinking abt the shift from ph to post-ph w/ linebeck + possession aftereffects#i like the idea that due to him making an effort to drop his mask and also being fucking Tired bc of trauma processing#he doesnt look much different (maybe. worse. bc of. yknow. possession) but he goes from yknow seeming a fair bit older than he is#to actually kinda passing as 19 and it is half him actually kinda acting his age cutting the shit with the pompous waste of breath talk#am i open abt that. are people aware that in my little personal ph linebeck is 19. anyways hes 19 start of post ph#salty talks#post-ph#like i have a pair of calendars i mean to use to plan out everything with when everything happens in the decided timeframe#but i know now im prob gonna have to edit whats already there (except main gang bdays) with this current possession sickness stuff#possession sickness. thats probably a good term for it. is my fucking sibling making grilled cheese rn#a post-ph goal i really need to act on is Writing Shit Down like at least major arc ideas for this early phase#but the final planning is through the calendars bc i gave myself a limited timeframe to limit how much stuff i could put in#and so i could keep track of the passage of time in a manageable and realistic way#do i know where those calendars are? let me look. found em#apparently i put damien’s birthday as sept 23 but i dont like that any more mainly bc he’s meant to be a few months older than linebeck#and sept 23 is a fucking week off from linebeck’s so yeah we’re not sticking with that
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earlier this week I had this dream that Sebastian Michaelis from Kuroshitsuji got pregnant with a bad antagonistic demon and severely diminished his skills so everyone had to cover for him. it was like a really bad curse so even after he gave birth he was still magically three months a day later.
#i wonder what he did#i dont really partake in black butler but please no seba/.sci..el in reblogs thank you#I barely even remember the show#watched it when i was half my current age
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I have been feeling like I actually look forward to getting older, like I kind of wish I were in my 30's or 40's or something?(Im 21) I am anxious about stuff like eventually starting to work and graduating college, but. I don't really think getting older is a bad thing and I like that I actually feel like I can think about the future, when I've often felt too hopeless to. I don't think it would inherently make my life better if I were older but I just. feel like I want the future to be here sooner.
#I also kind of want some physical appearance changes of aging if that makes any sense#like. we have from time to time had like one strand of grey hair for some reason#currently like. only the lower half of a strand for some weird reason#idk. maybe one of my in sys partners sexualising some changes of aging in others is rubbing off on me /lh#I kind of just. want to be an older person w more life experience and stuff it sounds nice#even if it may be more stressful#I mean. I do worry abt how I may mess up things when we start to live alone but yeah#also I think unfortunately Im starting to dislike my age and peers I don't think I like being this young and Im not saying Im perfect#or even very mature or responsible but. I want it to be more acceptable that Im not as social#out of choice and I dont even have much energy#I don't even reap some of the benefits of being young like I dont have much energy so whats the point in being young
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ugh the elementary I work at combined into one building with the district middle/high schools and now I have to make some Choices about my work schedule
#like. when do i take lunch? do i stick to my current schedule? do i start showing up half an hour earlier and leaving 15 minutes later?#because my commute would make more sense if i did that because my sisters are both in hs and theres no sense in driving up seperately#but also im technically only contracted for the hours i already have and that would total out to 3 extra hours per week#and i would make that money but also what if i get in trouble for having more hours than im technically supposed to#but also my supervisors tend to be pretty reasonable and my boss has hs aged kids so she knows im not lying about how early they get here#idk! i am just stressed! because intellectually i know they want to keep me in this job but also. what if they secretly want to fire me.#which is deeply stupid bc we live rural enough that they need the manpower and i might even get lucky and land the 2nd grade position#in a few years when the current 2nd grade teacher retires bc i know they like me and who the fuck else is even remotely qualified
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My housemate reminded me of a flashbulb memory I have that I really wish I had a photograph of because it would be a magnificent image to inflict on the internet at large with Zero Context, but I'll try to describe it here, and then draw it after dinner.
Image Description:
As seen from about three feet off the ground: Interior, the den of an american suburban house built at the height of the atomic age and still decorated like it years later. There's dark wood paneling about halfway up the walls that offsets the almost neon pink-orange light of late sunset visible through the large window. Every object in the room is highlighted by the last of the sunlight. The only other light in the room is a TV set that was manufactured the same year Howdy Doody debuted on air, now broadcasting PBS Newshour in black and white.
Closest to the viewer, there is a small end table with a Nearly Full Martini glass, and a Half-empty glass Martini Pitcher, indicating that two of the five martinis it holds have been poured out.
Just behind it, an old man sits in a chair that was bright green and yellow when it was new but is now more Grellow. The man is in his mid-sixites, somewhat heavyset, with a full head of snow-white hair and thick glasses. He's wearing a dark brown tweed suit with leather elbow patches, and a white cotton button-up. He's watching the news with a calm and dispassionate demeanor. Tired, but still engrossed with the world's events. He's wearing dark brown penny loafers and garish argyle socks.
Behind him is a couch that is a matched set with the armchair, with the same Grellow chevron pattern, but there is a very large crochet afghan that has been spread out over the back to be decorative and maybe protect the couch from it's current occupant: a 120lb Wolf Hybrid.
She's seated lengthwise on the couch, like she had also been watching PBS Newshour, posed like a sphynx. She's close in wieght to the man, and definitely taller than him if she stands up, with a dark gray agouti coat and a bit of white countershading from the trace of domestic dog in her. She's turned her head to the viewer, bright yellow eyes focused on them, and the fur of her head and neck haloed with the sunset. She is pleased to see the veiwer, which means most of the teeth in her lower jaw are visible in her canine grin. The effect is very menacing if you don't know her.
Clutched rather neatly between her front paws is a second, identical martini glass, only not nearly quite so full as the old man's.
Title: "Oh, I didn't think you'd be back for another hour/GODDAMIT EDWIN"
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