#what have u done to urself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

stuckinapril · 2 months ago

Text

Went from being totally lost as a teenager to finding solace in aesthetics and fitting urself into a template in my late teens and now I think I struck a healthy intermediate where I know who I am as a person generally but I’m also completely subscribed to the idea of evolving and would never deny trying something just bc it doesn’t fit the image of myself I crafted in my head

#I rly want to spend a considerable amount of time just testing things and seeing how I like them instead of figuring out how they fit into #The jigsaw of my selfhood #Bc that’s the kind of self containment that keeps ppl from exploring who they truly r beyond what they associate w certain aesthetics that #Have already been done to death #Also part of this is accepting that I as a human have shifting opinions and may change my mind and so change the way I carry myself #I get sad when I see ppl label flexibility w how u conduct urself an identity crisis #This is literally why the well is so dry and nothing is new anymore #In reality ppl who invented the wheel just looked at things they liked and incorporated that into who they are and that’s how they became #Trends #like if you can envision a way it fits into ur head that’s all that matters #And if you allow urself the ability to change ur mind on things that’s so much the better #And an important skill to have in life actually

165 notes · View notes

onejellyfishplease · 1 year ago

Text

Oh no not another au

I actually have no idea what to call this one… sooo I’ll be taking suggestions I guess?

(Next)

#oh no what have I done #Donnie you’ve gone and unmutated urself #at least u’ve still got ur brain #I know it’s your most prised possession #buttttt #youve lost your hands #so #sucks to be u #have fun with that ig #tmnt #rottmnt #art #rottmnt au #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt donatello #rottmnt leonardo #rottmnt leo #Unmutated Donnie au #unmutated Donnie comic

1K notes · View notes

bacchuschucklefuck · 6 months ago

Text

love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest

#not art #fhjy #fhjy spoilers #like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit #kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it #until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it #until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her #but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs #she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying #probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone #lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear #Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked #but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now #yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc #man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet #and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out #lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help #it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around #but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever #its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous #its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot #yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry #doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it #ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking

106 notes · View notes

iraprince · 9 months ago

Note

Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

75 notes · View notes

toxooz · 1 year ago

Note

How do u get so good at anatomy and faces??? 😭😭😭 I adore ur art style and I just wanted to know if you had like a certain method or anything or if u guys practise :0

i just draw a fuckload and observe the human body and how it moves at all times and use references and draw and draw and draw summore 👍 u may not now how tf muscles link together but with plenty of drawing and research it will eventually click into place and you'll Get It lmfao

#in fact i can literally feel myself Getting it when it comes to arm and back muscles and i feel like ive finally been set free tbh #like its all clicking together after being like 'i have no idea how the forearm muscles twist but ig ill put shading here'' for years lmfao #i would wrack my brain over the ''the whole arm is built like chain links'' rule but it never really clicked UNTIL RECENTLY #and its bc if drawing thats right folks call of duty corn AHAAA #but thats also why im drawing my buff ocs is bc i feel like every drawing i do i understand the muscle structure a little bit more its gr8 #so expect more muscle studs bc im on a diSCOVERY #that being said dont wreck urself drawing a lot u also have to be observant as well and try to see if you can learn more thhe next drawing #is what i do #thats why i cant stop wont stop im too in love with improving more and more and how much stuff i can pick up on and incorporate into my dra #wings OK IM DONE

20 notes · View notes

mejomonster · 4 months ago

Text

I hate panic attacks

#rant #which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them #i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything #ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me #but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually #but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks #im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade #ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself #turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for #trigger from self hating thiught loops #it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u #physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in #the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation #but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself #in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last #longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more #im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours #im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for #hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying #in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop #altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life #and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway

4 notes · View notes

agayconcept · 2 months ago

Text

.

#i cannot Believe i am having to buy locking boxes to keep my food and belongings in at home #bc my mother (who is also my 'caretaker') (heavy use of air quotations) refuses to stop stealing and/or throwing out all my shit !!!#my food and my clothes and my literal everything #cannot respect boundaries cannot respect me honestly at this point dont think she understand what respect even is #and sure as fuck isnt capable of giving it #so like. fuck my entire existence i guess :-)))))#stole all my food last night yet again #now dont have anything i can have bc im too low on spoons to cook anything #and she ate all my ready-made and microwave options so :-)))) guess i get to starve #bc i cant afford to buy anything #gr8. cool #fuck my entire life truly i cant w this woman anymore #she truly has a mindset of 'everything in this apartment including u as a person belongs to me bc i pay the majority of the rent'#ok go fuck urself actually #u massive fucking bitch #jfc #guess im not a human person bc im disabled and my disability $ isn't enough to live off independently #i'm just like. a fucked up pet u can neglect and abuse however and whenever u want #that's fun.#how about i kill myself #not even exaggerating #shjsshdjdk #jfc i'm DONE #ask to tag #ableism #abuse #idk lmk if i need to tag other stuff #negative #suicide mention

2 notes · View notes

hatkuu · 11 months ago

Note

Dude if you want kylar egg posting send me a specific ask!!! I got a question going!!

(Love to do kylar tho little freak would stuff ya full of eggs)

MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!

#u have no idea what you've just done. prepare urself trash #kylar WILL stuff you full of his eggs :)#(hgngngngng kylar monsterfucking..

8 notes · View notes

ajxrn-archive · 4 months ago

Text

I’m going to. rip my fucking hair out.

#Why why why can’t I enjoy anything ever like it’s so draining I can’t even explain it #Everything makes me anxious and I really REALLY don’t think thats normal nor do I think it’s just general anxiety #I want. answers genuinely but no I can’t see help because of my mom. I probably won’t be able to find out what my fucking problem is until #I’m like. 18 or older #Well into my 20s even #Fuck. it’s like. would I even be able to afford a therapist.#especially if I got disowned/kicked out #I keep trying to convince my mom to get me help/try to get me a diagnosis #and she just doesn’t want to fucking. help me. it’s not even a money thing it’s the fact she DOESNT GIVE A FUCK about her child’s mental #problems and health. Besides if I got diagnosed with like. adhd like everyone says I have (I think it could be that or something deeper) it #would literally end in her getting MORE FUCKING MONEY like our homeschool funds thing would give us more money for like #disability or whatever. if it were adhd. I forget.#I’m trying to use that to convince her and she just doesn’t listen #but honestly it’s like. what’s the point. I know I would feel better if I had a diagnosis because I would know the actual cause of my issue #and would easily find ways to combat it and help myself instead of listening to everyone say I have adhd without a diagnosis and go by that #Because everything I do to try and help with adhd doesn’t fucking work with my deeper mental issues.#And to be really honest I think it’s a personality disorder and I’ve done my own research and I show majority of BPD symptoms #And it’s commonly mistook for adhd. But I would NEVER express that to my mom because she would twist it into me being abusive and awful #again like. fuck even if I can’t get medicated I know I would feel so. so much better about myself knowing WHY I’m like this #Instead of living my life questioning what the fuck is wrong with me #I’m so sick of being different #if you read this. why would u put urself through that.

3 notes · View notes

meatmensch · 1 year ago

Text

.

#thinking again abt the horrible things he said to me bc some of them were so stupid and mean i will never truly get over it until i go to #his house with the hammer!!#'why are you interested in the yiddish language' 'well first of all most yiddish speakers are dead it's a dying language it's a fucking #murdered language and i think it's important to preserve plus it's cool' 'well by that logic most english speakers are dead too' here's #what i should have done in that scenario. get up grab my things grab my keys and leave. versus what i did. continued to try to explain to #him why i'm passionate about the culture for hours and he never truly got it.#and it was so funny because the next day HE was all mopey. i was like 'what's your problem' he was like 'i think i feel bad about some of #the stuff i said last night...' here's what i should've said. 'yeah you rat bastard you should feel really bad you suck i hate you beg on #your knees for forgiveness.' versus what i did. a simple dose of the silent treatment #i will never get over this i will never get over this because no one i have cared so much about and thought was so kind and understanding #has been so stupid he's just an antisemite. i was like he's not a nazi he's just dumb. girl when u gotta ask urself 'is he a nazi' get out #of there pronto. and of course i feel stupid for still having feelings about this a year later. but i don't need to feel that way it's ok.#ok i'm tired. goodnight #personal log #back again. reread the texts i sent to my best friend immediately after that conversation like righttt i'm not crazy that WAS mean. thank #you melanie from a year ago!

8 notes · View notes

publicuniversalenemy · 1 year ago

Text

i have obtained a SIGNIFICANT and POTENTIALLY CARCINOGENIC BIOHAZARD and im BEYOND EXCITED ABOUT THIS

#the bhiohazard in question? a couple of nastyass turnouts!!!! a jacket and some pants!!!!!#yeah theyre sitting abt three feet away from me but dw!!! theyre in a big garbage bag so its ok ^-^#basically the EMT program (that im almost done with. as a side note but woot woot) is selling their old student ambulances #since theyre a bitch to maintain and we have a newer indoors simulator (its like. the back of an ambulace built into a room)#(like the back and one of the sides are open and it doesnt have a drivers compartment (duh) and no tires but is otherwise a Real Ambulance #which we use for practicing)#anyways so these old student ambulances gotta get cleaned out before they can be sold yeah?#and as it HAPPENS!! theyve been storing a SHIT TON of nasty filthy smelly turnouts in there for the past While #like probably 12-16 Large garbage bags full #(for those who dont know: turnouts are what those fucking. firefighter uniforms are called. like the ones they wear In Fires)#and they dont know what to do with them so theyre gonna get thrown away next week #so my TEACHER!!! was like 'yall if anyone Wants any of that shit you can literally just help urself'#so i went down today and poked thru some bags and GOT STUFFS!!!#anyways i am excited not only bc Turnouts Cool but ALSO bc theyre Super Fucking Insulated #bc theyre meant to be worn inside Massive and Super Hot fires #which yeah protects u from extreme heat but my GENUOS BRAIN also realized this: they would be STUPID COZY in cold weather #and i happen to be moving to a rather cold part of the states in a few months!!!!#so now i have free winter gear and its EXTRA SEXY STYLE #however u CANNOT clean turnouts at home bc #a) they gotta be washed with Extra Strong Industrial Fucking Machines #(called 'extractors' not 'washing machines')#and b)#they can and WILL leech nasty fucking toxins from structural fires into your machine and contaminate everything forever <3 #so ive reached out to some 'send away' turnout laundry services #idk if theyre gonna do it tho cuz um. im Not associated with a fire department <3 #so if that fails ill just do the best i can at home!!! <- research mode Engaged #either way theyre sexy and Yes i can still smell them despite them being bagged in a Super Rugged Industrial Manly Garbage Bag #(i didnt tie it super tight)#btu thats ok whats life without Danger <3 #whatever the fuck

7 notes · View notes

kojakaj · 1 year ago

Text

being an older sibling is like fine and fun. until its like. “oh my intense desire to protect and defend you is because i traumatized you throughout our entire childhood on accident. and somehow you still managed to live a better life than me in every aspect. and the only way i will ever be able to make up for how much i scared you is to constantly be in your service from far enough away that you never know.”

#i didnt traumatize her on purpose i was just mentally ill as a kid #idk #theres only so many times u can scream that u want to kill yourself before ur little sister hears #and when u share a room shes gonna find the blades u hid sometimes #i hope she never knows the things ive done for her #do u think she knows that i would step into the arguments with my father and yell the loudest so that he wouldnt yell st her #do u think she noticed that i would always fight back for her so that it would come my way instead of hers #idk. its mostly over now #my dad doesn’t scream as much #which is good but i sometimes wish he would #idk why #i mean it was never that bad anyway #but like. you’re allowed to externalize all of that rage when somekne else starts it #thats why he likes to piss us off #cuz the rage is gonna be there no matter what. its nice to let it out and have matched too #i dont want to be like my father but theres something comforting in the fact that at least he has the same thing in him #less comforting that i know it will never go away #idk its more fun to hurt someone else and be hurt by them then to just hurt urself #ANYWAY #lol. i got off topic but whatever.#this should go on the mentally ill side blog but whatever #milo ignore this post <3 unless ur texting me abt it #but like those r ur options u gotta acknowledge it to my face or completely ignkre it

4 notes · View notes

iraprince · 4 months ago

Note

tvw mentioned!!!!! would be really exciting to see those guys again, dog with a gun will forever have my heart🩷 no pressure tho, ive been following u since the tail end of acid soup, and idk what u put in ur characters but its like catnip to me, all ur original stories are so compelling. i hope u always feel free to pick up and put down whatever u want whenever u want forever!!!!!!

thank you so much, hearing that means a ton to me <3 you know what, i DO feel free in that way, which is something that hasn't always been easy for me. but it's made a lot easier by the fact that u guys tend to be, like, really cool and understanding and supportive about it, which i really really appreciate!!

#i want to get back to putting as much time in my personal stuff as i used to #it's hard due to like. mental stuff and having to put a LOT of fight in - esp the past year or so - just to get my work done #and then there's like. just not enough left over for my own stories #which is something that in past years i have been really distressed by and been really hard on myself abt #but slowly over time i think i am getting better and better at being gentler to myself abt it #and the thing is. before i used to cling rly hard to the idea of. 'yes bc if u REST REALLY GOOD u will ACTUALLY be REFRESHED and be able to #-DRAW MORE!!!!! the reward for self care is u actually trick urself into DRAWING MORE!!!! won't that be great!'#and i think what i have learned. is sometimes actually. the end result of taking better care of urself is no u actually produce less.#which is very scary at first when the idea of the secret Well-Rested EXP Bonus has been a significant carrot to u #but i am. coaxing myself into being cool w the reality of it. and i still believe at some point more will blossom from it #just in a different and less urgent and less transactional way than i was banking on before. u know

24 notes · View notes

pasta5284 · 1 year ago

Text

ex-friends: why dont you tell me how youre feeling why wont you talk to me

me: [talks]

them: uhhhh im not reading that lol

#uwu #this has happened multiple times but this is aimed at one person atm #u know who u r. if u actually read my message ud have seen i addressed shit u said #a repost doesnt mean i worked on it idiot #also nice job outing urself as stalking my blog. i dont even know ur shit anymore to bother checking it and even if i did i wouldnt. die mad #whatever tho ur blocked i just happened to check telegram and see ur dumbass reply #demanding i talk to u then not even reading my reply what are u fucking 10 yrs old LOL #just annoying. anyway 100% done w u finally goodbye

4 notes · View notes

ultrasopp · 1 year ago

Text

Game review from real gamer. i am not finished at all but saga of sins. Yeah. Platformer where everything looks like stained glass and u turn into monsters to enter people’s minds and fight sin. U can pet the dog and also enter the dog’s mind (he is free sin)

#txt #its scratching the history/religion/art fixation part of my brain so good #u are a littel priest and u fight the demons in sinners’ minds to free them but… are u really freeing them or are u committing sin urself??#its a lot of this tortured littel guy being all ‘hey what is sin REALLY? love thy neighbor but cannot fuck?? hello god whats up w that’ but-#-in a plagued by demons sort of way #what is the morality of it all? idk man the priest just got back from the crusade and have been just as many comments on how noble that is-#-as there have been ‘hey not cool’ and ‘why r u trying to purge sin when wrath made u kill fellow humans’ etc #im not expecting an answer on that exactly as the game is *very* european lmao #anyway i think its gonna end with either fighting god or fighting the devil OR u turn into the devil. some hell on earth kinda deal #also. hope no one reads so far but this dude looks like how i draw ye ole medieval nicky and i have brain worms. so its a bonus #but by itself. im fucking LOVE the stained glass look of it all #its not terribly original game play as it is a platformer but man never seen a game with this look #so 10/10 for aesthetics lol #yike im done now. sudden need to tell everyone abt my fav game of this week u know how it is

2 notes · View notes

aropride · 1 year ago

Text

MAYBE IT WOULD STRENGTHEN THE STORY IF THEY GOT TOGETHER ACTUALLY 🖕

#text #and fuck that one guy who was my mutual for yearsssss and i thought she was so cool but over time she started vagueing me like #all the fucking time 😭#forever thinking abt how she saidf one of my headcanons wasnt 'realistic' bc how could one character be 4'11'' and the other be like.#i dont remember the exact number but Tall. she was like Its not realistic .#?!?!?!?!? fellas is it unrealistic to be short and have a tall boyfrien d #BUT LIKE she was like yeah i hate when ppl who ship this thing make it their whole focal point of the story i think it cheapens the themes #of the story like GIRLLL. first of all who cares if someone posts about a fictional couple a lot. SECOND OF ALL #MAYBE in a story about isolation & belonging having a character whose ending is just. Being even more alone & isolated than he was at the #beginning would be improved by him falling in gay t4t love with the main character actually. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW #and i mean sure theres a lot of other endings he couldve had that didnt involve falling in love BUT THAT WAS THE ONE I WAS REALLY INTO #ON ACCOUNT OF HOW I WAS REALLY AUTISTIC ABOUR THEM. ANYWAY I DONT EVEN CARE.#i was rhe one to take the initiative and block her btw 😭theres only so many times u can see someone vaguepost abt u before its like #man if u cant bring urself to block me i'll do it for u 😭😭#OKAY DONE FOR REAL NOW SORRY.

3 notes · View notes