#what a great 21st year of being alive.

[hoonietual]

god.

[obnoxiousarcade]

I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think

[yangkitties]

21 kisses ✩ p.sh

pairing: park sunghoon x gn!reader [established relationship] || word count: 0.6k genre: fluff || warnings: food mention, kissing, tooth rotting fluff! lmk if i missed anything :] synopsis: 21 years of being alive, 21 years of memories, 21 years of experiences. 21 kisses to make it all perfect note: HAPPY HOON DAY!! guys trust in me fr speed wrote this so fast 😁 but fr happy 21st to the love of my life <3 hope y'all enjoy this, my ask box is always open~

‘Baby come on, do my eyes really have to be covered the whole way there?’ Sunghoon whined from the passenger seat. His head was against the window, a small pout adorning his plump lips.

‘Yes! You literally almost made me break my leg when you tried to surprise me for my birthday, at least I’m driving you there.’ You retorted, head briefly turning to see him before focusing on the road again. 

‘It’s your 21st birthday Hoonie, I really want the surprise to go well.’ You were determined to give Sunghoon the best birthday yet, micromanaging every part of the surprise. 

‘Darling, no matter what you do it’ll be perfect, as long as you’re with me…’ Sunghoon tried to look at your general direction, hoping you knew that he really meant it. You were beyond grateful for the fact that he couldn’t see right now, because if he could, he’d never stop teasing you about how much you were blushing, just because of a few sweet words. 

Soon enough, you were parking the car before going over to help him. ‘My, what a gentleman!’ Sunghoon giggled as he held your hand. He felt a soft kiss on his cheek as you tugged him forward. 

‘Okay stand still.’ Commanding him to a stop, you quickly set up a small picnic. 

You had brought him to the park, a favourite spot for the both of you. As you set down the picnic basket, you saw Sunghoon trying to whirl around. ‘Oy, none of that, you’re going to fall if you keep it up!’ You warned as you stood up.

‘Sunghoon! Stop wriggling around.’ The tight grip on his shoulders made him go rigid, as if he was about to salute. ‘Okay, you can take off the blindfold now.’ 

As the cloth slipped past Sunghoon’s eyes, he gasped at the sight before him. A pretty periwinkle picnic blanket was laid out in front of him. You’d bought a cake and some lunch, and there was a little flag on the basket that said ‘Happy Birthday Ice Prince’ in a what he recognised to be your best hand writing. 

‘Happy birthday baby,’ you said as you wrapped your arms around his neck and left a sweet peck on his cheek. ‘Come on big boy, let’s cut the cake.’ 

His eyes misted over as he sat down beside you, loving every second of it. You lit the candles before presenting the beautifully decorated cake to Sunghoon. 

It was a simple white cake with the words, ‘Happy 21st Hoonie!’ in black icing. ‘I had Jay bake it, took me seven tries to decorate it right.’ Nevertheless, you were satisfied with the results as you saw Sunghoon’s adoring smile. ‘Now make a wish baby.’ 

As he closed his eyes, Sunghoon couldn’t think of anything to wish for. He had great friends and the best soulmate ever. His life was going well and he’d never been happier. All he could hope for was that this would last forever. 

He silently blew out the candles, opening his eyes to see your radiant smile. 

Before you could start clapping, you felt Sunghoon’s nimble fingers wrap around your palms. ‘Instead of 21 claps, how bout 21 kisses, eh?’ Mischievous smile adorning his face, Sunghoon wiggled his eyebrows. 

Gently moving the cake to the side, he pulled you closer and puckered his lips, ready for his wish to be fulfilled. A frown bloomed on his face as he felt your lips on his forehead, far from where he wanted them to be. 

‘Patience my love.’ You continued to press soft kiss across his face, mentally counting down till number 21. And as you reached 20 on the tip of his nose, you pressed a firm kiss on his lips for 21. 

Hands at your hips, Sunghoon smiled into the kiss. You rested your forehead against his own, drinking in every one of his features. ‘Happy 21st baby.’ 

Sunghoon’s entire face lit up, shining brighter than a full moon. His lips met yours once more, whispering between each kiss, 

‘Best. Birthday. Ever.’ 

©️ yangkitties 2023 do not copy, plagiarise, or repost

[periwinkle-musings]

Did Taylor Swift write "Sweet Nothing" about Paul McCartney and his wife's summer in Wicklow in 1971?

The song "Sweet Nothing" on Taylor Swift's Midnights has always stood out to me as a bit of an anomaly. Until this intriguing quote by Paul McCartney caught my eye:

In a 2001 ABC interview about his wife Linda, who passed away in 1998, Paul McCartney said:

"I would go out for a run, think of some words, get home from the run, write them down, and make a cup a tea for Linda," said McCartney, who would bring it to her for breakfast. "I'd make a little tray, and go up, and then I'd say, 'Hey, by the way, do you want to hear some poetry?' She'd always … she'd say, 'Yeah.' And so I wrote that poem." 'Blessed.' I would come back from a run. With lines of poetry to tell. And having listened, she would say "What a mind."

This is a direct quote and exact same storyline as in "Sweet Nothing." There is NO WAY that is a coincidence. So I wanted to see if Paul and Linda had any connection to Wicklow - the place mentioned in the song. 

I think the McCartney family vacationed at the Luggala Estate in Co. Wicklow, Ireland in the summer of 1971 as an escape from the aftermath of the Beatles breakup.

A sweet Wicklow love story:

Paul McCartney has connections to Luggala going back to 1965-1966 when he partied at the estate with Guinness Brewing heir Tara Browne who was killed in a car accident a few months after his raucous 21st birthday, and inspired the Beatles song "A Day in the Life." Paul was close to Tara and his death deeply impacted him. This Rolling Stone article details their relationship and mentions that Paul has visited Luggala to visit Tara's gravesite since then on "numerous occasions." Paul had not met his wife Linda yet while Tara was alive, but this proves Paul's deep and personal ties to the family and their 5,000 acre private estate in the Wicklow Mountains, which continued to be a private retreat for celebrity guests until it was sold in 2019.

Paul McCartney has posted multiple family photos taken by his wife in the summer of 1971 that appear to be taken near the Luggala Estate in Co. Wicklow. He tweeted this photo on St. Patricks day in 2017 which a previous Reddit thread links to Wicklow in 1971. And recently on March 2022 he tweeted this photo which appears to be taken the same day judging by his shirt and his dog, and credits the photo as being taken by his wife (she was a professional photographer) in Ireland in 1971. Here you have a better view of the surrounding mountains and rocky streams (full of pebbles I'd imagine...) It's notable that the second photo was posted March 2022 around the time when Taylor would be writing and recording the Midnights album.

If you look at the aerial view of Luggala Estate (Now showing on Google Maps as Luggala Lodge), I believe that these photos were taken in one of the rocky streams that feed into the private lake...which is named Lough Tay. (I like to think it's an extra little wink from Taylor that this investigation literally led me to a lake named Lough Tay.)

This area is completely private and the closest public access is from a hiking overlook. This seems like a great place for one of the most famous musicians in the world to hide out with his two young children, 2 dogs, and Linda, who would have been pregnant with Stella McCartney (born Sept 13, 1971).

We know that the family and their dogs were in Ireland in the summer of 1971 from this newspaper article where they were photographed at an airport in August leaving Ireland, which means it's possible that they were in Wicklow a few weeks earlier in July.

Even though The Beatles broke up in 1969, it continued to be messy between members of the band and the financials involved for the next few years. During the summer of 1971 Paul McCartney and John Lennon were embroiled in a very public fight. There were lawsuits and scathing letters (dated 1971) and it's all very complicated so I won't go into it here, but this article has a good overview.

The lyric, "Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors and smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other" could reference these incidents. I could see Taylor relating to Paul going through this public turmoil surrounding business with former friends, because it is similar to what she's going through with her masters.

The lyric "You're in the kitchen humming" could reference Linda's passion for cooking and vegetarian activism. She literally founded a food company and wrote a cookbook. This darling photo on her website shows her cooking at the family home in Scotland in the 1970s. Linda was also a singer and recorded many songs with Paul, so the idea that she could be "humming" makes sense.

Taylor Swift has been friends with the McCartney family for a while. She first met Paul in 2010. She collaborated with Stella McCartney in 2019 for a clothing line as part of the Lover era, and Stella also dressed her for the Evermore album cover in 2020.

Taylor and Paul McCartney famously interviewed each other for Rolling Stone's "Musicians on Musicians" in 2020. In this article they mention how they both like writing under pseudonyms.

But the most surprising thing I learned is that Paul actually wrote a song dedicated to Taylor and her relationship with her fans called "Who Cares."

Notably, the music video also features Taylor's longtime friend Emma Stone wearing rainbow makeup in an otherwise black-and-white world full of cartoonish bullies. It's notable that the music video was released Dec 2018, right before the Lover era would kick off a few months later. Perhaps Paul was showing a bit of preemptive support for Taylor as she embarked on what many of us believe was intended to be her coming out era?

Now to the William Bowery of it all:

Taylor clearly wants us to think Sweet Nothing is about Joe because of the Wicklow name drop, where Joe was papped in July 2021, which looks staged to me.

Interestingly, I can't find any photos of Taylor being seen anywhere near Wicklow, but for some reason she staged a whole photoshoot in Northern Ireland in July, where locals said she "arrived and left by helicopter in a fleeting visit."

She was also seen in several different locations in Belfast in fan photos. This article also says part of Red TV was recorded in Belfast.

Clearly she wanted to be seen and linked to Northern Ireland, and the lyric easily could have been "Does it ever miss Belfast sometimes?" (same number of syllables) but it's not.

"Sweet Nothing" does have a William Bowery co-writing credit. Would Sir Paul McCartney agree to a secret writing credit? Maybe.

I read an interesting twitter thread from a lawyer (who is a Gaylor) that discusses how William Bowery could be a name under which Taylor commissions writing "for hire." Meaning it could be Joe or multiple other people writing under that pseudonym, as opposed to the "Willam Bowery" (spelled different) which is listed as a U.S. Citizen.

Even if Paul wasn't involved in writing the song, I believe he inspired "Sweet Nothing."

---

Note: This theory was originally posted on the R/GaylorSwift subreddit Dec 22, 2022 which is currently set to private. I am the original author of the Reddit post (u/-periwinkle), and am reblogging it on my Tumblr because this theory has been gaining traction and I wanted to create a public version. This version has been slightly expanded and updated with better images. Also, I was not the first person to uncover the "what a mind" quote, and the original person who found it is tagged on Reddit.

[skambigbang]

Switching gears, we're featuring the second of our collaborations this Bang, our OG/WTFock special crossover story The Cure written by viola_player1 aka @paralleluniversesfan and Anna_Driesen2121 aka @annadriesen2121, with art by monikachaarabi, and beta support from the amazing Avignonscat! A rollercoaster of a ride, with mystery, spies, exotic locations, and cameos from the SKAM multiverse. 

Anna_Driesen2121 & viola_player1 what inspired you: It was more of an organic process this year. We started with wanting four characters that did not know each other being brought together to resolve something. To that we added intrigue, subterfuge, and mystery. And the glue that holds it together is their growing attractions.

MonikaCharaabi what inspired your art: The meeting of EVAK and SOBBE, love, respect and great tenderness of the boys. Support for mental illness. An international crime story, a great mystery. A lot of interesting information about international organizations

Avignonscat what inspired you to beta: I was a beta for last years’s Big Bang.  It was my first bang and it was fun to be involved in the event. It’s interesting to see the writing process and being involved means helping keep the fandom alive.

The SKAM Big Bang starts June 21st! Follow us for more sneak peeks and share!

[aziraphales-library]

do you have a fic where it’s what would have happened if crowley and aziraphale hadn’t met at the garden?

Check our #different first meeting tag for fics like this! Here are some more to add to the collection...

Till death do us part (or not) by fractalgeometry (G)

Possible other titles for this fic, since they summarize it better than I ever could:

Assumed mortality, and other reasons to dump people

In my defense the odds of both of us being immortal is extremely slim

Awkward Tesco reunions: the real curse of immortality

that awkward moment when your ex from 300 years ago turns out to also be immortal

You always meet twice (and sometimes the second time is after 300 years in a fucking tesco and you embarass yourself in front of the cashier)

(Aka the fic in which they are both immortal, they do not realize this, and they break up and think the other is dead for several centuries before it turns out that wait, they're both very much alive after all and also, possibly, walnuts.)

My Immortal Beloved by Fyre (T)

A couple of centuries ago, Crowley had a Thing with an average normal human. Only for some reason, every letter he ever sent to that average normal human has just turned up in a museum exhibit. Including the ones about licking.

HallMark of the Beast by Dee_Morris (T)

Fast-living demon Crowley has had enough of city life and moved to the quiet little town of Tadfield with his young ward, The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast That is Called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness. It seems like the perfect place to relax and lay low, avoiding eye contact with the forces of Hell while also fulfilling the letter of his contract, which is to educate the Adversary on his Great Destiny. And the Christmas decorations are lovely. Life gets less relaxing when he meets Aziraphale, a semiretired angel who has been living in Tadfield and awaiting the arrival of the Antichrist for several centuries. Sparks fly when the two meet and realize that they have more in common with each other than with their respective head offices.

The Great Pretender or A Man with (at least two) Secrets by Makkoska (E)

The demon Crowley is seeing Mr Fell, a peculiar and fascinating bookshop owner. He knows the man has secrets, but doesn’t quite realize the extent of them. Or: It’s London, the 21st century. An ethereal and an occult creature meet and fall in love without realizing they are missing essential information about the other.

Shifting Heaven and Earth by BuggreAlleThis (T)

For most of history, since he narrowly avoiding Falling from Heaven with Lucifer, Crowley has been working for the Angelic Corruption Unit. This ended up being far more boring than he hoped it would be, but things change when he is assigned to go undercover on Earth. His mission is to investigate Aziraphale, an infamous angel who has been on Earth since its Creation, and whom Heaven is sure is guilty of corruption or dereliction of duty. He soon discovers that life on Earth is far more complicated than he'd been led to imagine, especially when Aziraphale's demonic counterpart, Hastur, arrives on the scene.

- Mod D

[oraclememehacker]

[Isshiki Detective Blog #1: An Introduction]

If you're reading this, welcome! I'm Isshiki Futaba, a junior detective at the Isshiki Detective Agency, and I am the founder of the Detective club in Shujin Academy. You may be wondering why I am making a blog, and the reason is simple. As someone who is going to be taking up the mantle for my family's agency in the near future, I want to bring things into the 21st century and have a blog about the going on's in my life along with the agency.

For those who don't know, the Isshiki Detective Agency is a long running private detective agency that was founded by my great grandparents. They were inspired by the Sherlock Holmes books that made their way here from the United Kingdom. One of their first cases was to deal with the "Phantom Thieves", aka the Amamiya family.

My parents have been trying to bring them to justice for over 100 years now, and I am the next generation to do so. Given the audacity of the crimes committed over the years, it is my belief that the only thing that will make them realize the errors of their ways is a long stint in prison. For the ones who are currently alive anyways.

However, they have been pretty quiet the past few years other than some minor things. I'm hoping that they have moved on at long last and my family can continue to serve the community by solving cases that nobody else can. That is the purpose of our agency, is to help out anyone with the cases that have stumped the police and other agencies.

Ever since I helped out a friend when I was a kid, I realized that's what I wanted to do, to make sure nobody ever suffers like she did. So I will be continuing my family's legacy, but bringing it to the 21st century. I fancy myself as pretty good with technology and can find things that others will miss. I will be working along with my family to make sure that there will be no more cold cases, ever.

There's a bunch more that I could explain, but for the time being this is just a brief introduction. I will be going into depth about past cases that my family has dealt with, including those that dealt with the Phantom Thieves, aka the Amamiya family. Some of it gets pretty outrageous and hard to believe if I didn't know my family are pretty bad at lying. I hope this was a sufficient introduction. I can't wait to make more blog posts!

[sapphire-weapon]

So, I’ve been going through FFXVI a second time on NG+ in Final Fantasy mode (and, in case anyone is wondering, FFXVI is the same as literally every other FF in the sense that, once you’ve figured out how the combat system actually works, you can break the game, and it really doesn’t matter how artificially difficult they try to make it. FF mode feels easier than Action Focused mode to me, because this time through, I have a broken as fuck build).

What I’ve decided to do this time around is to just mainline the story. I have skipped every single sidequest and only done the main campaign.

This game is very, very different when you do that. This game’s sidequests work against it in a big way.

I didn’t realize just how quickly the plot moves from Cid rescuing Clive and Jill to the five-year timeskip. It’s really fucking fast. Part of the reason why I was so critical about the plot just moving on from the tragedy of Rosaria and Clive’s trauma about Joshua’s murder was because, the first time I went through this game, I did every single sidequest, and I did them as soon as they became available -- so I stewed in Clive’s misery far longer than the main story, I think, intended.

For reference, I played this game from 9PM PST on Wednesday the 21st and beat it at like 2am PST on Monday the 26th. All of Wednesday night and most of Thursday was spent with Clive still in his Imperial armor; I hadn’t even made it to Eastpool yet and gotten the new outfit from Lady Hanna. That’s how long I sat with him and his trauma. 

I spent nearly a full day and a half with the version of Clive that stopped in the center of a bridge and looked over the side of it, contemplating whether he should throw himself off -- the version of Clive who breaks down crying and wondering why he hasn’t killed himself yet.

So -- yeah, it was really jarring to me to sit with guilt-ridden, traumatized Clive for that long and then, out of nowhere, have Joshua just fucking... show up again and everything is fine, don’t worry about it shut up.

Skipping those sidequests and going straight through the story makes that transition far less baffling and upsetting. It’s still not great; it’s still not handled very well; but it’s way better.

The biggest issue is that there’s never a conversation about it. The timeskip happens, and then Clive is sitting at his desk and Jill’s like “Joshua gave us a second chance” as though it’s just a normal fucking thing to casually say “your dead brother was there with us” to someone --

but, for her, by this point in her life, it is normal for her to say that -- because she and Clive have already had a conversation about it. Multiple, probably. She already helped Clive work through his confusion and his distress and his having to come to terms with his brother still being alive.

But we didn’t get to see that.

We had a whole big gameplay and story sequence dedicated to Clive accepting that he was Joshua’s murderer, but then we got absolutely nothing about how the truth that he’d been forced to accept was still a fucking lie. It was still a lie! It still wasn’t true! And the game just ignores that!

And I get why the timeskip happened where it happened -- why the game didn’t linger on for an extra sequence of Clive and Jill returning to the Hideaway and finding everyone dead and then having to deal with that paired with the shocking reveal of Joshua’s continued survival. I get it. I get that, from a cinematic standpoint, it makes for a better transition to go from Joshua trapping Ultima in his chest to five years later.

But the game also never goes back to it. And that’s the real issue. For the game to go as hard as it did with “You have to accept the truth of what you did” and then... not follow it up with the fact that he didn’t do the thing he accepted that he did is... really bad and lazy.

But by not doing the sidequests, you can see better how short the Cid arc actually was, and so the whole thing does sort of feel like it’s less of a big deal that way than it does when you go through every single sidequest.

That doesn’t excuse it. It doesn’t absolve it. But it does give you a better idea of what the writers’ actual intentions for the story were.

I almost wonder if this game wouldn’t have been better off being structured like FFVII and having the game give us a Nibelheim flashback instead of opening with the Night of Flames -- because, I’ll tell you something else. In NG+, you can still skip the opening if you played the demo. So, for this playthrough of XVI, my game started at the Shiva vs Titan battle. That also helped the transition in the story feel more natural, because you were never there watching this horrible fucking thing happen in real-time. 

All you have to go off of are Clive’s stories, and Cid only half-believes him, and Jill doesn’t know what to think -- so it already sets the audience up to doubt that things unfolded exactly as Clive’s insisting they did. It actually builds the framework of the story around “this might not actually be true” instead of opening with the Night of Flames and later finding out LOL JK WE FOOLED YOU.

And instead of having an entire sequence dedicated to Clive accepting that he murdered Joshua, just have him accept the fact that he’s Ifrit and maybe ease up on the murder aspect of it. Because what isn’t done in that sequence is Clive snapping back out of it and going “but wait -- there’s still a second Dominant of fire running around, though. Gav saw him. Benedikta said she had him. I saw the fires he started at Caer Norvent. But, if I’m Ifrit, how can that be? Could Joshua... have lived?”

Because what actually happens is Clive snaps out of it and goes “yep I’m the killer” and “I definitely did that murder” and “I need to atone for the horrible murder that I absolutely did” and never once gives a SINGLE FUCKING THOUGHT to anything else that was actually going on during his search for the truth.

And -- again, I get it. I get that his desire to atone is what brought him back to Cid in the first place. But, like. He still killed everyone fucking else at Phoenix Gate; he can fucking atone for that while still wondering if Joshua himself is still alive. Like, the removal of the one murder doesn’t negate all of the other ones that he actually really, truly did for real. Clive is the reason why Rosaria no longer exists as an independent nation. If he hadn’t awakened as Ifrit that night, Anabella couldn’t have successfully pulled off her coup. So, like... yeah, all of that is still on his head.

It’s just a very simple, easy thing to have included in the story -- and the absence of it really does make me believe that the only reason why the whole concept of Joshua’s murder even existed in the first place was purely for the game’s marketing. And that fucking SUCKS to think about LMAO

[snowflakechallenge]

INTRODUCING 2023 FANDOM SNOWFLAKE CHALLENGE!

Hello!

Welcome to Fandom Snowflake Challenge 2023!

For long-time Snowflakers, welcome back, we’ve missed you and can’t wait to catch up! For the new and the curious, come on in, we’re all going to have a good time.

What is Fandom Snowflake Challenge? Well, I’ll tell you what it is not. It is not to do with winter, or snowflakes really. The snowflake in the title is a metaphor, an image of unique and beautiful, of swirling and bone-deep. A single snowflake is all of us individually; unique and beautiful. But as a group, a snowflake can blanket, can blind against the dark and ugly, can still the world of the mundane.

That’s what we’re going to do in January. We’re going to start the new year reflecting on what makes us rare and beautiful and what makes us as a community mighty and life-altering.

And that’s it for the metaphor. Now on to what is going to happen. On the odd days of January, we will be dropping challenges, some new, some old, some about creating, some about consuming, some about being a great big geek and others about being alive in the 21st century. You can do what you want, and don’t do what you don’t. There are no points, no keeping score, no way of doing this wrong. There is just you, doing this momentous thing, and us cheering you on.

Not doing fandom on LJ/DW anymore? That’s okay, we’re here too:

Twitter: https://twitter.com/SnowflakeDW

Tumblr: https://snowflakechallenge.tumblr.com/

We’ll be here tomorrow with some more introductions and whatnot, and then the first challenge will be posted on the first. Remember, we’re all over the world, so there’s no telling what time of each day the posts will go up, but they will happen every other day.

Can’t wait to read and get to know you all again!

[stoportotouch]

PLEASE tell me about the lieutenantcules kids

ohoho i would Love to

they end up having two, james frederick (little and hodgson) and katherine "kate" alexandria (irving and hodgson). (obviously hodge is transmasc here.) james is born in january 1849 and kate is born in july 1850. They Were Busy, is what i'm suggesting here. (behold my lovely spreadsheet, because i can't keep track of these people otherwise.)

since this is The One Where Doctor MacDonald Survives, he is also the one to deliver both of them. (which is great because hodgson doesn't fancy explaining all that whatnot to a new doctor.) this later becomes a great advantage in that it prevents hodgson from Fucking Dying having kate.

lots of Stuff below the cut, because i have a lot to say about these childen as it turns out.

james is named after fitzjames and fairholme (and also edward's older brother james cornelius) and also after fred hornby. after he's born, hodgson (slightly high on Fun Victorian Narcotics, as was the fashion at the time) suggests calling him "james james". this is not necessarily unfitting considering that he is named after the man so james that they called him it twice but get Vetoed.

james is one of those "started talking late but once he started he never stopped again" neurodivergent kids, and his Personality is basically the same as hodgson's. (this includes The Neurodivergence. he would be diagnosed with autism and adhd if this was the 21st century.) this eventually leads him to join the diplomatic corps, for some reason.

he is basically hodgson's software on little's hardware in that he looks and physically acts basically exactly like little but with some of hodgson's pointy features. he... is short. (just barely taller than little when he's full grown.) partly because, as you can see, april of 1848 isn't that long after they were rescued.

but also little is short and in a short family, and hodgson is alone in his immediate family in being tall. (or rather, he was objectively tall pre-transition. he got bumped down to Just Below Average Height by the simple expedient of cutting his hair.)

james was also The World's Most Difficult Baby, again because he was born to somebody who was still kind of recovering from scurvy and definitely recovering from lead poisoning. this is literally just because the "thank god we're alive" came back LONG before the... actual intelligence did. (it also fucked hodgson's hip up for the rest of his life.)

for the first year or so james does Not like not being held, wakes up at just about every noise or External Stimulus and has colic. then around his first birthday he suddenly just goes like "hm, no more of that, thanks" and starts walking. which completely fixes all the other problems. (he still doesn't start talking until quite a while after kate.)

the not talking does give his Dads pause until james cornelius mentions when he visits that edward didn't talk until he was about seven. thus when james starts talking when he's about five or six this seems to explain everything. (one difference: when edward started talking he seemed to do so unwillingly and never talked much. james starts and then never stops for the rest of his life. this is presumably hodgson's genetics kicking in.)

as i mentioned earlier. katherine (or kate) is hodgson and irving's kid, which is just... a fascinating combination of personalities to cross-pollinate. she's named after katherine irving, who is irving's sister-in-law (and also one of his best friends), and also after alexander macdonald.

katherine irving is an obvious person to name her after, especially since irving is a bit glum about not being able to tell his family about Having Kids, on account of The Circumstances. but naming his kid after her is the next best thing (especially when he had always promised her Godmother Rights if he had kids). alexandria is, obviously, after doctor macdonald. it seems like the least they can do since he stops hodgson from dying. (kate is completely fine.)

kate is like. the world's most chill baby, and also the pregnancy is far physically/psychologically easier on hodgson than james was. most of the issue the first time was the combination of "the unknown" and like. Gender Stuff. the latter of these still gets to him from time to time with kate but far more mildly and he feels more able to talk about it. (because he was pregnant with james while little was recovering from a brain injury and irving was recovering from being stabbed. as i said, they were not especially bright in this regard.)

as i said earlier, having james when he was still recovering fucks up hodgson's hip for the rest of his life. this actually doesn't lead to what happens with kate but it probably doesn't help. (kate is also a far larger baby, since irving is tall and quite broad when he isn't malnourished, and from quite a tall family.) long story short doctor macdonald figures out that hodgson isn't just sore/tired and a bit high and hodgson gets an emergency hysterectomy out of it.

hodgson later suggests, once everybody has recovered from the shock of "partner/other father of our kids/friend just nearly bled to death", that they call her stephanie. you know, because of doctor stanley (who in fairness he did get on really well with. world's oddest friendship, or not really considering that when we see doctor stanley make attempts at Bedside Manner it's basically hodgson through a filter of irony poisoning).

little and irving haven't even talked about it and irving is kind of... avoiding it all (he does with both births but hodgson only particularly wants little with him. not for any particularly Personal reason irving's energy is just too jumpy for a sick-room). hodgson does suggest that he be there when kate is born because he knows what to expect now and they're All a bit further out from The Initial Arctic Trauma. irving says no, which turns out to be the right decision because he spends about a week having a panic attack.

they decide on a full name for her very quickly. (both of them have hodgson's surname, just to avoid any questions. this doesn't actually avoid questions with james because he looks like little.)

kate looks basically exactly like hodgson did as a kid, which is really weird for him (and also makes him a bit more protective of her than he was expecting to be). it's doubly weird that she also acts exactly like he did. as an adult she ends up looking like hodgson but a girl/with irving's tone of voice and way of speaking. (she's also about six foot tall fully grown.) basically she looks like this leyendecker painting.

she basically acts like hodgson would if he didn't have... The Problems. which can be extremely annoying but also it's great for her; she's assertive in a way that neither of her Dads could ever manage in addition to being at least book-intelligent. (she isn't people-intelligent.) she fortunately doesn't pick up irving's anxiety (or his compulsions) but she does get his Maths Brain.

she and hodgson still bond over music but she's very into like. Finding The Right Answer so he gets her into bach. this works excellently. she eventually ends up with his ancient copy of gradus ad parnassum that he's scribbled in over the course of a few decades. she is far better at bach chorale harmonisations than he is. (or rather, she picks it up far quicker.)

-----

on the subject of their families: some of little's family know but this is limited to james cornelius (Gay Uncle, beloved by both james and kate for all their lives), and little's sister margaret anne (and her husband, john). margaret and john don't particularly get it but also "aw, nieces and nephews" (and margaret likes hodgson). they look after james when kate is born.

hodgson... basically does not talk at all to his family, honestly. his dad died in 1844 (literally right before he met irving. like he was going through all that while they were having a really complicated Situationship that ended with irving trying to ghost him but not being emotionally able to) and while he used to get on with his mother... not so much any more.

if he hadn't had kids then he would probably have gritted his teeth with at least two of his siblings (beilby porteus and mary) and at least tried to have more of a relationship with them. but then as soon as he has james he's just like, "yeah my family are never getting near our kids", and kate being born (and everything around that) cements that in his mind.

he uh. i have so much to say about his relationship with his oldest sister, henrietta mildred. but the summary as it pertains to this is "he is still stuck at the level of a very scared seven-year-old where she is concerned and she is stuck at the level of a very miserable nineteen-year-old where he is concerned." they could probably talk it out. it would actually be beneficial. but they literally never will.

-----

further on Family Dynamics (and also a bit about Victorian Class Dynamics):

hodgson is a good amount younger than his siblings (or than his surviving siblings). he's one of five that survived to adulthood and he's ten years younger than the next one up which means that he was basically an only child but that his parents had forgotten everything about babies and toddlers. so like, Victorian Ideas About The Child, Multiplied By Ten Thousand.

he was also completely unexpected and while not quite unwanted he was far more handed off to nurse and then nanny than his older siblings as a kid. and then he went away to a boarding school aged thirteen, joined the navy at the age of fifteen, and basically never came back again. (until post-franklin-expedition.)

so he thinks that little, whose family mostly still live together and see each other as often as they can, has a really weird relationship with his parents and siblings. little is not going to argue this because he's sure he'll find something awful if he scratches the surface. also hodgson isn't going to press the issue because uh. little came home to discover that his mother had died a couple of months before they were rescued. so he doesn't want to cause any further Hurt.

little does, though, feel really weird about handing the kids off to nannies and nurses and governesses. (he's one of twelve from a family which was upwardly mobile but still working-ish class. they could not afford all that whatnot.) he still ends up getting on very well with the nurse they find, who they keep employing after james is born. this turns out to be a good thing when kate is born, because of The Circumstances.

[thebibi]

Van Helsing and Loneliness

Van Helsing's description of his loneliness is interesting because he's not just talking about it generally, but rather in the context of companionship and marriage. This ties into his relationships with Mina and Jack.

When he first talks about loneliness, he mentions how lonely he would feel if Jack didn't help him desecrate Lucy's corpse (September 21st):

"...without my friend trust in me, I work with heavy heart and feel, oh! so lonely when I want all help and courage that may be!"

This speech comes at such a tense time the phrasing could be seen and incidental.

But later, during the infamous King Laugh speech in front of Jack, Van Helsing confides in him about his wife. He says:

"...my poor wife dead to me, but alive by Church's law, though no wits, all gone—even I, who am faithful husband to this now-no-wife, am bigamist."

There is a thread of remorse that Van Helsing feels about being married without any companionship. "Dead to me but alive in the eyes of the Church" evokes a sense of pity on the professor as it prioritizes his feelings over the health of his wife, which is Not Great. It's clear he's unhappy more about his situation.

Interestingly, in the Annotated Dracula by Leslie Klinger, the footnote here compares Van Helsing to Rochester from Jane Eyre. Rochester wants a new companion/lover even though in a plot twist it turns out he's already married.

Van Helsing also confides to Jack that he has an extreme fondness towards Arthur because he reminds him of his son. So that's another person the professor projects onto.

When Van Helsing meets Mina Harker a few days later, he goes more deeply into the loneliness he feels:

My life is a barren and lonely one, and so full of work that I have not had much time for friendships; since I have been summoned to here by my friend John Seward I have known so many good people and seen such nobility that I feel more than ever—and it has grown with my advancing years—the loneliness of my life. Believe, me, then, that I come here full of respect for you, and you have given me hope—hope, not in what I am seeking of, but that there are good women still left to make life happy

When he says his life is barren and lonely, he distinguishes loneliness from lack of friendships. Even though he's met Quincy and surrogate son Arthur through Jack, he's still missing something. Interestingly he also indirectly clarifies that he's not seeking another wife, but that Mina gives him a way to live through a happier marriage vicariously, even if the opportunity has long been lost to him.

Lets turn to Jack here. I'd argue the the relationship between him and the professor is probably the closest to what could alleviate this loneliness. They aren't just mentor and student but Van Helsing calls Jack an equal. Jack challenges him often but also is his "Ride or Die". Also, they did kind of vow to be "not two, but one" in terms of unity against the unknown, which also serves as a metaphor for marriage (full credit to @imsorryimlate 's meta). However, its also sufficient to say that the entire Crew of Light serves as this, because they are no longer just friends, but are bound together by an oath.

So, in conclusion, between his interest and projection in Arthur, Mina, and Jack I think Van Helsing might need to warm up to the idea of found family and polyamory real fast here because that's the closest he's going to get to truly overcoming his loneliness. And also therapy.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update

what's up gamers, the odds are very slim that I'll be finishing another book before November is over, so let's do a roundup! I've you've been following me literally at all you probably saw me reblog my public shame TBR list at some point, and now we get the #reviews.

what have I been reading?

Histories of the Transgender Child (Jules Gill-Peterson, 2018) - this book is a really incredible piece of historical research, exploring the existence of transgender and gender non-conforming children in the first half of the 21st century. Gill-Peterson threads a great needle of both laying out ways in which trans identity and specifically trans youth were understood in the early decades of trans healthcare, establishing that young transgender people are in no way a modern phenomenon, while also making the strong case that trans youth have been able to exist without complication or medical intervention throughout American history. It's an engrossing medical history, and I would say intensely valuable to anyone who has a vested interest in protecting trans kids' right to autonomy and joy.

Batman: Bruce Wayne - Murderer? (Greg Rucka et al, 2002) - this, to me, is peak Batfamily content. everyone is miserable and nobody is communicating about it because they're all too depressed and bitchy. Bruce gets accused of murder and sent to prison and he decides the only reasonable thing to do is break out and never be Bruce Wayne again, with seemingly no concern about how horrific the consequences will be for his family as long as he gets to keep being Batman. the dysfunction is... fucking delicious. cannot WAIT to read Bruce Wayne: Fugitive, I must know how Brucie baby gets himself out of this one. also, hey, have I mentioned that I miss Babs as Oracle every single day? god, she's just... she's so much cooler as Oracle.

Alive at the End of the World (Saeed Jones, 2022) - Jones is so so so so so so SO good at writing layers of pain and hurt into his poetry. the imagery of apocalypse and protest is infinitely striking, and I was particularly shaken by the recurring series within the book that ended each segment, in which Jones finds himself in his apartment after a reading speaking with a doppelganger who turns out to be his own personified pain. chills!!!! CHILLS!!!!

Elatsoe (Darcie Little Badger, 2020) - I wanted to make a point of reading something a little lighter, because we've been a little #heavy lately, and Little Badger's debut YA novel was perfect for that. while Elatsoe isn't what I'd call flawless - in particular, I have to say that the main characters seem VERY young for 17 year olds, feeling more like middle readers protagonists in most ways - it's an extremely charming book with a lot of really cool ideas. the world is one very like ours but suffused with mythology; ghosts, vampires, and fairies are well-known facts of life integrated seamlessly into the story. it's very cool to see an urban fantasy where the protagonist's parents are totally in on the supernatural and fully supportive of the teen sleuthing without any sketchy ulterior motivations, and I think the tidbit that Lipan folks are able to banish vampires for coming into their home - the entirety of their ancestral lands - without an invitation is one of the coolest twists on vampire lore I've ever seen.

Nature Poem (Tommy Pico, 2017) - I LOVE Tommy Pico's epic poetry (that's a literary term, not an outdated compliment), and I read Nature Poem in what I believe is the way that was intended: all in one evening, still wearing a cute little bodycon dress, glitter, and fishnets after a Halloween party, a little tipsy. as always Pico's voice is impeccable, dry and witty and observant and so, so tired of so much bullshit. the preoccupation of this poem is the idea of nature, specifically writing a poem about it, and Pico's railing against the idea that white poets can write countless poems about nature and only be seen as writing a poem, while he, as a Kumeyaay man, can't write a poem about nature without it being seen as a woo woo magical Native American thing. but it's not just that; no Pico poem is every just one thing, but a smart and circling conversation to drive a point home. I still don't know if I'm liking poetry right but man I know I love Tommy Pico.

The Trouble With Normal: Sex, Politics, and the Ethics of Queer Life (Michael Warner, 1999) - full disclosure: I ordered this book in a feverish haze after it was recommended at a conference by a speaker who was so stupid hot that I nearly had a panic attack about it. we don't have time to unpack all that, but I will say that this was as eye-opening a read as nearly all historical queer texts are. the two things that jumped out at me most were 1.) Warner's well-written argument against the concept of marriage as a whole, with the then-ongoing fight for gay marriage necessarily included, and 2.) the scathing critiques of gay individuals who throw ~weird sexual deviant~ gays under the bus to further their own social standing. INSANE that that's still topical in 2022; can't wait to be quoting a 20+ year old book at people when the kink @ pride discourse starts in 2023.

A Dowry of Blood (S.T. Gibson, 2021) - that's right, it's the TikTok book about Dracula's brides being in a polycule! I figured with a description like that this was either going to be pretty good or bad in fun and interesting ways, and I wasn't disappointed at all. Dowry was a fast, fun read, with a heavy gothy ambiance all the way through. it carries more weight than expected by depicting Dracula himself as a surprisingly realistic abusive partner, a boyfriend from hell who keeps his partners on short leashes with a thinly-veiled threat of death if they ever displease him. if you like your vampires depressed, horny, and wrapped up in deeply unhealthy psychosexual mindgames you will LOVE this.

Into the Riverlands (Nghi Vo, 2022) - this is the latest novella in Vo's Singing Hills Cycle, which I cannot recommend enough to anyone. I didn't initially adore this entry quite as much as When the Tiger Came Down the Mountain or Empress of Salt and Fortune, I think because it felt less immersive. the Singing Hills Cycle tells stories within stories, framed by a cleric named Chih travelling to gather stories across the fictional kingdom in which they live. the first two novellas were much more immersive in their storytelling, and I think I missed having that in Into the Riverlands, but there was a certain reveal near the end that cast the whole thing in a very different light and made me like the setup a lot more. it's also worth noting that given the way this novella deals with larger-than-life martial artists and the way their legends are distorted across time, it reminded me VERY much of The Girl Who Kept Winter - a spectacularly fun read, one that I can't recommend enough.

The World We Make (N.K. Jemisin, 2022) - god DAMN, N.K. Jemisin! I was a little unsure about The City We Became, willing to rank it as my least favorite of Jemisin's books, but the sequel really knocked by socks off. I could hardly put it down, and I'm sad to see the duology ended already - if I'm being totally honest I think this book could easily have been fleshed into two for a trilogy, given how much capital-p-Plot is introduced, but I also really respect how much story Jemisin was able to so slicky introduce and resolve in under 400 pages here. on the whole this is a thriving, fast, fist-pumping love letter to New York City and the power of community in the face of all kinds of evil, and one of the few sequels I feel completely confident calling better than the original.

[pain-suffering-even]

headcanons: Lennart Niermann

content warning for religion, and mentions of manipulation and gaslighting

Quick headcanons - 

Name: Lennart Niermann

Age: 27

Gender: Male 

DOB/Place: April 14th, 2033, in Schwerin, Germany

Rank/Type: S Rank Mage 

Guild/Occupation: Richter Guild Leader 

Past Occupation(s): Wismar Guild 

Skills: Charge

Weapons: Mana-powered gauntlets

Family: Ida Richter (mom) (alive) 

Karl Niermann (dad) (alive) 

Ella Niermann (younger sister) (alive)

Juliane Niermann (younger sister) (alive)

Karlotta Niermann (younger sister) (alive)

Winola Niermann (younger sister) (alive)

Gisela Braun (grandma) (alive) 

Core Headcanons -

Hidden talent: Good with styling hair 

Favorite food: His mothers vegetable soup 

What motivates them: Setting the standard by making a comfortable work environment, making money in order to donate to groups and charities, helping civilians by taking care of these gates for them 

Treasured possession: The pocket knife his mother gave him before he left 

Deepest secret: He helped recruit people into a very cult-y church and was gaslit and brainwashed by them 

Best/Worst thing to happen to them: His mother raising him right/his dad scrambling his brain 

Random memories: His mom showing him the proper way to carve wood and letting him keep her pocket knife as long as he used it right from now on, picking berries with his sisters in the nearby woods and scolding them for getting their dresses dirty with blackberry juice and cleaning them as best he could before going home, seeing the stained glass windows in the church for the first time, confiding in another boy about his pocket knife and getting scolded for it by his father in front of everyone and giving it over, naming his guild after his mothers maiden name, 

Best friend/Worst enemy: Thomas Andre/Karl Niermann

Good/Bad traits: Reliable, charismatic, altruistic, caring, passionate/Intense, paranoid, anxious, 

Things they’ve done/like to do: Visit his mom and sisters back in Schwerin, whittle wood with his knife whenever he gets stressed, practice making his own blackberry jam that doesn’t taste quite like his moms, 

Personality type: “Protagonist” ENFJ-T (70% extraverted, 30% introverted; 81% intuitive, 19% observant; 11% thinking, 89% feeling; 83% judging, 17% prospecting; 42% assertive, 58% turbulent) 

Nervous habit: Playing with his knife, humming various disney songs under his breath, 

Things they’re afraid of: Closed spaces, being taken advantage of again, 

Things they want to accomplish: Officially becoming an international hunter, becoming the top guild in all of Europe, throwing his youngest sister the best 21st birthday party ever, 

Additional Headcanons -

Has watched a lot of Disney/Pixar and knows a lot of the songs

He's traveled a lot and knows a handful of languages. Russian, Romanian, English, a bit of Chinese and Italian as well

He desperately wants to get into baking after seeing the great British bake off but alas he simply isn't meant to be in the kitchen. burns/under cooks everything

Really good at dancing. It may or may not be from watching K-Pop videos in his spare time

Sometimes he wears his hair in a ponytail or clips it back with barrettes. The media has a field day with the look, plastering his face on all the covers

He's really good at styling hair, since he had to learn to braid all of his sisters hair and do it just the way they wanted it

While he technically was born in Schwein, him and his sisters grew up in a cabin far out in the woods quite a distance away from Schwein

Their Timeline -

Age 8: taken by his dad to work for the church 

9 years pass (the views of the church are pushed onto Lennart as a result from gaslighting and manipulation)

Age 17: gains his original C rank + leaves to defeat gates for the Wismar Church

2 years pass (as he is away from the guild, the manipulation tactics begin to wear off)

Age 19: gets his reawakening to S rank + creates the Richter Guild 

Age 20: meets Thomas Andre and Christopher Reed

Age 21: America's West Coast Kamish Incident 

6 years pass

Age 27: now

[queerprayers]

I've a question: since you don't call the old testament the old testament and instead the hebrew bible, what do you call the new testament?

I found this discussion, but i'm still not sure what to call it:

https://judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/73806/is-the-title-new-testament-offensive-to-jews-alternative-neutral-name

link here

That's such a great discussion, beloved, thank you for sending it my way! 

This is definitely something I've thought about, and I don't really have a definite answer—and as we can see, people have lots of different opinions on it! I generally use "New Testament," for a few reasons, some of which people in that thread mentioned. It's a purely Christian collection of documents, so no other faith has named it or used it before us. Other religions find value in it (like many Muslims), but there's no debate as to its origins and most common continued use. 

There's no pretending that I don't believe the same God that made a covenant with the Israelites made a covenant with the world through Jesus—that's a pretty standard Christian belief, and I won't say that that's not what the New Testament symbolizes for us. I do believe that early Christian writings are the most recent Scripture humanity has, therefore they are new comparatively to the other Scriptures we value. One could make the same point about saying "Old Testament," but I guess the difference for me is the "Old Testament" already had a name when Christians began using it. It was already a set of writings treasured over generations. I value it, but it is not mine, not really. I think it does matter that the first Christians were Jewish and using their own writings, but very quickly that was not the case.

For me, the Hebrew Bible is the set of Jewish Scriptures that God had a hand in writing, that faithful people kept alive through the years, and, when God became Man, they're the words he grew up with and valued. (This is not a Jewish belief, and it is an appropriation of Jewish documents, there's no getting around that.) The collection of writings by early Christians that we have kept and value the most, that we believe God also had a hand in, is called the New Testament, because in comparison to Scripture passed down over time, it had recent historical context when it was collected. Now, in the 21st century, these writings are also Scripture passed down over time—but it is God's most recent gift to us. 

If I was in a Jewish space/talking directly to a Jewish person/discussing Judaism, I might say "Christian Bible," just for clarity and respect? Because as the thread pointed out, "new" has implications of replacement and higher quality. If I"m talking about, for instance, just the Gospels, being more specific would be easier and clearer, but this isn't always possible. At this time, I do feel comfortable with "New Testament" as a contextual naming of our own documents, and understand that "Hebrew Bible" is the most agreed-upon general and respectful name for the Jewish Scriptures by non-Jewish people.

There are so many other points someone could bring up. I've heard Jewish people say that they want a distinction between the Christian Old Testament and the Jewish Bible/Tanakh, for instance, because they're translated and collected differently, and mean such different things to the religions that value them—they want them to be considered different books completely, and so a Christian calling part of their Bible the Old Testament would then be respectful and would let Jewish people define and translate their own documents, apart from Christianity. 

I think context really matters! If you're comparing Christian and Jewish translations of the same scriptures, using both "Old Testament" and "Tanakh" might the clearest way to do so. If a Christian is comparing the two sets of scriptures they value, and used Old vs. New Testament, that has a completely different connotation than a Christian saying Jewish people "used the Old Testament" in worship!

There's not one answer, and what is preferred by some will be offensive to others, but thank you so much for continuing the conversation with me! I welcome others' perspectives in the notes.

<3 Johanna

[faerywhimsy]

My heart is full today and I just gotta do a quick shout out to all the fan artists (I've loved before): @le-cabinet-du-garei @xxhellonursexx @nasnyys @sheepskeleton. Special mentions for @cup-of-lixx for that short ficlet about Daniel hitting his head on the coffin lid, and @eosphoroz for that throw away comment about vampires who don't know themselves enough to love in healthy ways.

This piece is basically my little love letter to you all and the angst great feels you inspire. <3

~*~*~

They got just one full good year together, Daniel and Armand.

Almost a decade of Daniel’s begging, pleading and threats over being turned into a vampire like Armand, the two of them got one good year after Armand actually did it.

And then, it all went to hell.

When Armand told him outright they’d be together in hell, Daniel just didn’t imagine it being like this. Maybe that was his stupid fault for being so naïve. But Daniel honestly couldn’t say Armand hadn’t told him so, hadn’t warned him what awaited the two of them.

The shit of it was, it really was great for a minute there. The best time of Daniel’s whole life.

His body felt alive and new in a way he could barely remember, and certainly never remembered without drugs in his system. Alcohol had become a downer for longer than Daniel had been willing to admit. And yet, it had remained what he reached for, like after Armand filmed his hair growing back on VHS, then suggested they watched it. (Only, they both knew it wasn’t a ‘suggestion’, it was their activity of the night in place of going out to watch the opera.)

Or, after it had already been established that Armand chose Daniel’s clothes each night, Armand suddenly decided that it was the 80s, and that necessitated a complete rehaul of his existing wardrobe in favour of a different look. (“I actually change with every era, Daniel. Keep up.” “… an ‘era’ is not the same as a decade… babe.”)

Daniel thought it was great, because he already knew so much about Armand (that he hates his name and the age he was turned, the style in which he best prefers Daniel to cut his hair, the way he doesn’t like to talk much, the way he has a type and Daniel knows full well he’s the least high maintenance out of himself, Lestat and Marius. But also how sometimes Armand likes to wear stockings under his clothes, even if no one but Daniel knows about it. And other times especially when no one but Daniel knows about it).

But what Daniel didn’t consider (didn’t know to consider) was that just becoming a vampire would be a learning curve too.

It wasn’t just about becoming the same as Armand. It was about Daniel having to learn himself all over again. A second fucking puberty. Allowing himself to see himself through the lens of really making the decision of being queer in the ‘70s and all that would entail for the first time again.

Only, this time it came without that tantalising option of simply… opting out in favour of a simpler life.

Because Daniel had asked for this, begged for it and, ultimately, completely consented to it regardless of all of Armand’s prior warnings.

For the most part, Daniel still didn’t regret it. Not when the reality of no longer hearing Armand’s voice in his head began to sunk in. He said to himself it was more than worth the price to pay for the privacy of his own thoughts and opinions that he was granted back. And he meant it! (At least that first two months.)

Hitting his head on the edge of the coffin at the end of every night was… less than ideal. Beds weren’t supposed to have lids. And he’d been so excited to go out shopping with Armand for his very first coffin It was part of the ritual, a rite of passage. But, ultimately, Daniel hadn’t complained when—a few months in—Armand very casually informed Daniel that they were moving an actual bed into the basement. (“Coffins are so very 19th century anyway, beloved. And we’re nearing the beginning of the 21st now.”)

Daniel very much liked when Armand was the first one of them to wake up each evening, and relished in every time when he woke up to find Armand staring at is blinking return from repose with that particular expression of quiet adoration on his features that only Daniel ever got from him. (“I love you too, boss.”)

The way Armand informed him of things was different too, after Daniel became a vampire. While he could (and did!) still make the ultimate decision over Daniel’s wardrobe, Daniel’s human food decisions were no longer on the table. Daniel sometimes got the feeling that Armand wanted them to be more like equals now that he was Armand’s child in the Blood, but then Armand would turn around and announce he had the final say and Daniel would be left scrambling as to where he stood all over again.

Sometimes he thought Armand was still trying to figure this out as well, given he’d never had another fledgling before.

And because of Daniel’s own devotion to Armand, he didn’t want to add the things he was trying to figure out onto Armand’s plate.

Like, when it started to seem overwhelming out on the street at nights because the juxtaposition of car headlights was too much for his eyes to process against the backdrop of the night. Or when Daniel downplayed times he lost himself so much in a vinyl playing on his record player that he’d be left sitting in front of it for he had no idea how long after it had stopped playing, until Armand came in to ask him what he was up to.

That was just the first six months.

By the second half of that first year, Daniel started to realise that he couldn’t easily remember the last time Armand had worn those stockings under his own clothing (and honestly Daniel wasn’t sure if it was that his memory was wonky, or Armand had actually stopped, and either way he didn’t want to ask and implicate himself or start another argument).

Not being able to hear Armand’s thoughts in his head meant that, more and more of the time, Daniel began to struggle with knowing what Armand was actually thinking given it wasn’t like he started speaking a whole lot more than he once did. Daniel found himself floundering and reaching for the things that he knew about Armand from before he’d been turned, but that started to feel stagnant. Like, shouldn’t he keep learning new things about the guy he loved?

Because, in the meantime, Armand kept noticing things about Daniel, like the way he preferred to feed. Daniel wasn’t interested in completely abstaining from blood like Louis, but neither did he want to kill humans now that he no longer was one. Maybe that would change over time, but for the beginning of his life as a vampire, Daniel only wanted to indulge in what he learned was called the Little Drink. He didn’t ask or expect for Armand to change his feeding habits to suit, and Armand didn’t ask him to help dispose of his victims.

Daniel wondered if Armand also happened to notice how Daniel was beginning to lose himself in things (time and memory mostly). There were patches in that second half of the first year where Daniel actively had to strive now to remain in the present. He was sure it would pass, otherwise Armand would have obviously said something.

Or… maybe not.

Because there was a definite communication problem between them. The two of them had spent over a decade before Daniel was turned where the mind gift made up such a large part of Armand and Daniel’s every day conversation and relationship. There wasn’t a switch after the veil of silence fell down between them where the habit of speaking that way was also broken. It wasn’t as though Armand suddenly enjoyed talking all the time.

Daniel recognised the issue and started trying to reverse their trajectory, to undo some of that damage. But he felt the heavy despondency, like it was too late even at the start doing much about it. And Daniel was already trying to balance too much; adjusting to being a vampire, staying present in the moment and now attempting to heal their fractured conversation skills. It was too much at one time.

He and Armand fought with one another, unable to meet in the middle because their life together up till then had been structured in a way where they both felt like they were already doing so much for the other. Daniel started wondering—in the constant privacy of his own mind—if there was too much separation between a 500 year old vampire and a 30 year old man-just-turned-fledgling. What if they couldn’t bridge that gap between them?

What if they just... couldn’t bridge it?

Somehow, it had all seemed smaller when Daniel was Armand’s mortal minion, almost as though that was more the natural way it ought to go between someone like Armand and someone like Daniel. As though, with his endless demands for something more, Daniel had taken them against the natural order of things.

Did he really believe that vampires had a place in the natural order of the world, to be able to go against it?

That was far too philosophical for Daniel in those last few months; not a thought he could hold onto without falling into another worrying spiral.

Finally, Daniel pushed himself to be the one to start the hard conversation.

“This isn’t working.”

Armand looked up at him from between long, uncut, auburn strands. He’d known this was coming, he must have. They couldn’t keep going like this, and it had become clear that Armand wasn’t going to be the one to start the conversation.

They got one good year, Daniel and Armand, before it all went to hell.

“I think... it’s not a good fit right now. Like, I need to figure out how to be a vampire, and how to be with you as a vampire… separately.”

Armand’s nose crinkled under his curls even as he looked down to the floor. Still, he didn’t say anything out loud.

Daniel imagined he was thinking plenty, and silently he damned Armand for not being willing—or able?—to say any of it where Daniel could hear.

It left Daniel with the onus to be the only one speaking his thoughts. Yeah, he definitely resented Armand in that moment for that. He took his time, trying hard to find words that wouldn’t betray feelings of bitterness, but would still keep clear the things he’d been thinking in his head. Alone, always alone in his head now. Forever.

“We have a lot of time stretching out in front of us now, right? None of this, us, is in a hurry anymore. We just… need to get through this rough part.”

“You don’t… want to be with me.” Armand’s voice hitched, and that was the first sign Daniel had that Armand had started crying.

“No, babe… No, that’s not it. I do want to be with you. That’s why I’m doing this. I think… it’s gonna break us if we keep pushing through like this the way we are. What we’re doing isn’t working. I’m not working. I need to… to… figure out myself before we can be…” Was that right? Had Daniel really known so much about himself when he’d been drinking himself to oblivion? Taking uppers just to keep up with Armand?

Was that really what the problem was? Or was he just second guessing himself now so he’d get to stay? Stay…

Daniel was kneeling in front of Armand before he could stop himself, wiping away those stray tears that escaped past Armand’s resolve. Damnit, he couldn’t stand to see his boss cry.

“Please don’t,” Daniel whispered, only to then call himself a fool, cause this was real feeling Armand was showing Daniel right now. Showing in maybe the only way left Armand felt comfortable sharing.

What did Daniel know anymore?

~*~*~

from:

[crowleyaj]

the thing is. and it's been weighing on my mind more than ever lately.

on my dad's side I have palestinian jewish ancestors. he doesn't talk about family stuff much, but he said that once, he'd even been to jerusalem and what's now known as the state of israel, visited the place a part of his bloodline is from. they must have emigrated from ottoman palestine to europe sometime in the 19th century. I don't know more than that, but I always wished that I did, that I knew not just about the european part of my heritage but the asian too, the jewish, the palestinian, the one mongol great great great grandfather. I don't think I'll ever get to. especially not now. but I keep thinking, we're alive because someone there got to leave and stay here and survived despite everything. but now palestinians are being bombed and families wiped out and kids won't get to grow up and people who want to leave are unable to leave and everyone faces terrible conditions and death every day; so many people won't get the chance to be born and live and tell their stories, now. maybe I have some very very distant relatives there somewhere. maybe, very likely, they'd be israeli jews. maybe they'd be in jerusalem. unless I do one of those dna heritage tests or something I won't know anything. I have friends with families in jordan, lebanon, iran, too. in a way it's not just some distant place and some distant conflict for me, it feels personal in this strange way where there's a gap in my heart that I think everyone with ties to a culture they know nothing about because their parents didn't teach them understands, and they're trying to erase that culture. I read and learn by myself, that's all I can do really. and even if I did know, even if the people I knew I had ties to are jewish, I stand with palestine, always. the land wasn't always divided like this. the original inhabitants were all palestinian, whether they were muslim, jewish or christian. I'm horrified by the actual genocide israel is committing. by the world's reaction to it and so many countries' and corporations' continued support of israel. that this is happening, still, in the 21st century. that it has been for years, but it wasn't talked about except now and then and a lot of the times that was all israeli propaganda, from what I remember watching on tv. (I'm also guilty of that, truly taking an interest last year but mainly just now. I will freely admit that) everyone should be horrified. outraged. no to antisemitism!!! let's not blame all jews!! but fuck zionists and free palestine